The Salt City Slugs' Official Songbook
The Marrying Kind
Chorus:
If I were the marrying kind, which thank the lord I'm not, sir
The kind of rugger I would be would be a rugby...
Prop, Sir. Prop Sir? Why Sir?
'Cause I'd support hookers, and you'd support hookers, we'd all
support hookers together
We'd be all right in the middle of the night, supporting hookers
together.
On next verse, support "prop" for...
Hooker – strike hard
Lock – sniff butt, grab crotch
Flanker – get off quick
8 man – split cheeks
Scrumhalf – put it in
Winger – never get it
Fullback – fuck it up
Referee's whistle – get blown
Lawbook – get violated
Mouthguard – get licked
Halftime Orange – get sucked
Team from far away – come for miles
Spectator on a sunny day – come again
Spectator on a rainy day – get wet
Groundskeeper – trim bush, fill holes, do a line
Ball – get pumped
New boot – come in a box
Pitch – grow weed, get hard
Jumper – get high
Etc.
I Used to Work in Chicago
Chorus:
I used to work in Chicago at Macys's Department Store
I used to work in Chicago, I don't work there anymore
A lady/man came in for some carpet...some carpet from the store
Carpet she wanted, shagged she got
I don't work there any more.
Next verse, substitute for "carpet"
Hammer – nailed
Paper – a ream
Lobster – crabs
Seafood enchilada – fish taco
Nail – screwed
Translator – cunning linguist
DVD – VD
Screen door – back door
Camels – humped
Kit Kat – 4 fingers
Cookie dough – dildo
<insert name here> - disappointed
Jewelry – pearl necklace
Etc.
The Bricklayer Song
Chorus:
So drink a little bit, fuck a little bit, follow the band (TOOT
TOOT)
Follow the band with your tits in your hands
Drink a little bit, fuck a little bit, follow the band
Follow the band all the way
Oh, my boyfriend's a bricklayer, a bricklayer, a bricklayer
And what a fine bricklayer is he
All day he lays bricks, he lays bricks, he lays bricks
And when he comes home he lays me
Lawyer – fucks clients
Carpenter – pounds nails
Nuclear physicist – splits atoms
Food critic – eats meals
Jockey – rides horses
Pianist – fingers keys
Secretary – licks stamps
Framer – mounts paintings
Traffic cop – blows whistles
Skier – jumps moguls
Preacher – spreads gospel
Etc.
Jesus Can't Play Rugby
Chorus:
Free beer for all the ruggers
Free beer for all the ruggers
Free beer for all the ruggers
Jesus saves, Jesus saves, Jesus saves
Jesus can't play rugby 'cause he only has 12 friends (repeat 3x)
Jesus saves, Jesus saves, Jesus saves
His dad will fix the game
He wears illegal headgear
He's got holes in his hands/feet
He turns the beer to wine
His mom won't touch the balls
His body's made of bread
The goalposts give him flashbacks
He only knows one whore
His spikes are much too long
Etc.
Rugby Men
Rugby men, they play 1, they grope each other in the scrum
With a knick-knack paddy whack send the boys away
Women's rugby is what we play
2 – all they want to do is screw
3 – they just want us on our knees
4 – all they want to do is score
5 – we like them in a muff dive
6 – great big men with LITTLE DICKS
7 – they think masturbation's heaven
8 – when they come they come too late
9 – they think their orgasm's mine
10- you'll never see that one again
There Once was a Rugger
Sung ala "There was an Old Woman"
There once was a rugger who blew in my ear
I don't know why she blew in my ear...perhaps she's queer
Kissed my lip – I about flipped
Bit my neck – oh my heck
Fondled my boob – oh how rude
Grabbed my ass – oh how crass
Sucked my toe – oh what a ho
Pulled down my pants – I wanted romance
Licked my clit – I about shit
End:
There once was a rugger who bought me a beer
A beer and a beer and a beer and a beer
A beer and a beer and a beer and a beer...
Perhaps I'm queer
No Balls At All
Come around ruggers give ear to my tale
This little short story will make you turn pale
About a young lady so pretty and small
Who married a man who had no balls at all
Chorus:
No balls at all, no balls at all
She married a man who had no balls at all
How well she remembered the night they were wed
They pulled back the covers and crept into bed
She felt for his penis, his penis was small
She felt for his balls, he had no balls at all
She ran to her mother and cursed at her luck
"I've married a man who's unable to fuck
His toolbag is empty, his screwdriver's small
The impotent wretch has got no balls at all"
Daughter oh daughter now don't you feel sad
I had the same trouble with your dear old dad
There's many a rugger who'll answer the call
Of a wife to a man who has no balls at all
The sweet little lady took her mum's advice
And found the whole thing exceedingly nice
A strapping young fellow was born in the fall
But the poor little bastard had no balls at all
My God How the Money Rolls In
Chorus:
Rolls in, rolls in
My god how the money rolls in (repeat)
My father makes book on the corner
My mother makes illicit gin
My sister sells kisses to sailors
My god how the money rolls in
My brother's a poor missionary
He saves fallen women from sin
He'll save you a blonde for a dollar
My god how the money rolls in
My sister's a barmaid in (insert town)
For a fiver she'll strip to the skin
She's stripping from morning 'til midnight
My god how the money rolls in
Aunt Mary's a bawdy house keeper
Each night when the evening grows dim
She hangs out a little red lantern
My god how the money rolls in
My Grandpa sells cheap prophylactics
And punctures the end with a pin
For Grandma does backstreet abortions
My god how the money rolls in
My uncle was once in a prison
Where he was a joy to the men
Now he bends over for business
My god how the money rolls in
You're a Dick
Gimme gimme gimme that number 1
Well suckin' that dick is lots of fun
They're round (round) firm (firm)
They're filled (filled) with sperm (sperm)
You're a dick, you're a dick, you're a dick, you're a dick
You're a dick-da-dick-da-dick
Dick-da-dick-da-dick, dick-da-dick-da-dick dick HUH!
2 – good for you
3 – good for me
4 – makes me want some more
5 – makes me feel alive
6 – makes a lezzie sick
7 – just like heaven
8- makes me feel so great
9 – makes me feel so fine
10 – makes me do it again
Lesbians
We wear Birkenstocks, Lesbians
We drive pickup trucks, Lesbians
We've all got an aunt who's a Lesbian
Whoa yes, Lesbians
We don't eat red meat (except some of the time), Lesbians
We like pocket knives, Lesbians
We don't tip real well, Lesbians
Whoa yes, Lesbians
Here's a verse for all you non-lesbians, that's right, even you men!
We wish we could be Lesbians
We'd join a rugby team, Lesbians
But we're not tough enough to be Lesbians
Bench warmer Lesbians
We throw solstice parties, Lesbians
We use power tools, Lesbians
We own dogs that are part wolf, Lesbians
Whoa yes, Lesbians
Eat, Bite, Fuck, Suck
Chorus:
Eat, bite, fuck, suck, gobble, nibble, chew
Nibble bosom, hair pie, finger fuck, screw
Moose piss, cat pud, orangutan tit
Sheep pussy, camel crack, big lion shit
Aw FUCK
Well, I went to a party and what did they do
Took off their socks and they took off their shoes
Took off their shirts and they took off their pants
I had a hunch they weren't gonna dance
Well everybody, everybody's naked there
Ain't no bras nor no underwear
The whole thing didn't seem to bother me a bit
So I jumped on the pile and I grabbed me some tit
My girlfriend's not a big sports fan
But she plays with balls whenever she can
'Cause her favorite sport, you see
Is playing tonsil hockey
Salt City RFC
We're nasty and we're ruthless
We're old but we're not toothless
We're altogether couth-less
Salt City RFC
Our backline's always flying
Our scrum will leave you crying
We'll ruck you 'til you're dying
Salt City RFC
If on the pitch we beat you
Then at the bar we'll meet you
To buy a round and treat you
Salt City RFC
We'll sing a dirty ditty
Then drink until we're shitty
And fuck you without pity
Salt City RFC
We drank the booze in batches
And wore out all our snatches
'Til our next rugby matches
We're the Salt City RFC
Freshman Year
I was a virgin in my freshman year
I was a virgin with my conscience clear
I never smoked or drank or necked or pet
I was the sweetheart of the campus curler set
Until I met a guy who played rugby
That was the end of my virginity
He was so nice, so nice, so very very nice
I even let him do it twice (without a struggle)
Swinging from the bedroom door with just my cleats on
Crawling back to beg for more
Now I'm a whore
15 Brave Slugs
15 brave Slugs
15 brave Slugs
See how we run
See how we run
We're rucking and mauling and moving the ball
Up past the forwards, see how we haul
Over the try line with a diving fall
See how we run
15 drunk Slugs
15 drunk Slugs
See how we drink
See how we drink
We've all drunk a case of beer or more
We're all liquored up and we're looking to score
But all we can find are some cheap rugby whores
See how we drink
15 tired Slugs
15 tired Slugs
See how we move
See how we move
We played and we drank and we fucked with the best
But now we are tired, in need of some rest
So we can go to the next rugby fest
See how we move