. CONTENTS
Section One - Songs
The Good Ship Venus <. .. .
, .,.
....
..,,
. .,,
1
The Girl on Boni Beach
<,.<,.
. .. o
ooo.
c o . <,
1
iJti OD119 O . . O . O 9 .
CQOO
. 9 o
»
.Ofl<J
. 9 . .
<-■
Old King Cole <,...
.. »»
.<><>.
...o
.<. 4 .
3
My Blue Bedroom „ . „ .
..,.
. .<>.
....
. ...
5
The Alphabet Song . . . .
....
..<, .
....
..9.
6
» Abdul A Bull Bull Emir
...,
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. ...
. ..._
7
' Little Angleine ...o
■.,..
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»...
..<>.
8
Why Should we be Poor?
..„<>
. ...
. .».
»#..
9
John Peel o...
. . ..
......
....
....
1^
The Monk of Priory
The Harlot of Jerusalem
. ....
...<>
#-...
#>..
12
' !Ain! t Gonna Grieve My Lord , . .,
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. t
.■.
. .. .
13
'Shares in the very best companies
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.»..'
'4...
14
The Tinker ....
. ...
. ...
. <►.#'
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15
On the_____ Lay of Christmas
.■...
.-..»..
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16
The Army Latrine ....
..<>.
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17
Toll Us Anotherie . . . .
.....
.:#:..-
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18
Foggy Foggy Dew ....
. ...
...■....
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. . o .
23
Men of Sweat and Steel
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24
Section
Two
- Poetry
Eski
Just a Boy ..<><>
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..<>.
o . .. .
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30
Commercial Advertising
...<,
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31
Your Spooning Days . „ 0 .
o ...
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31
Pete the Piddling Pup
o <> . .
.,-...■
...o
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32
. THE GOOD SS#: "VENUS
!.
Twas on the good ship Venus
My God you should have seen us
The figure lead was a moll in bed
And the mast an elephants- .penis....
CHORUSs (after each verse)
!Friggin in the riggin- . . ;- ■
Friggin in the riggin
Friggin in the riggin r :- .
Cause there's nothing else, to do,
2,
The Captains name was Ugger .. ■
The dirty filthy bugger,
He wasn't fit to shovel shit
Upon a government lugger,
3-
The first mate's. namq was A.r^Ly. ..
A bastard bold and rbahdy,
They filled his bum with, boiling rum,
For pissing in the "'brandy,
4-
The bosun. s name was .Hopper. -.-""^
He really had "a whopper,. :>"\;(his.; neck^
Twice arourd the deck, thrice' round.;^'
And up his arse for a 'stopper,
5.
The cook's name was O'Mailey,-.
He didn't dilley dalley,
He shot his bolt with such a .-jolt.
It white-washed'half the galley,
6,
The cabin-boys name ..was Skipper, .
A lively little nipper,
We filled his arse with broken glass.,
Aid circumcised the Skipper,
7.
The captain1 s wife was Mable,..
Whenever she was able,
She gave the crew their daily screw
Upon the galley table,
8.,i'.. .
.
The Captain's- lovely daughter
Was s/imming in the .water,
When eeststic squeals revealed thateels
Had found her sejeual quarter,
Twas- of the Chinese, nation
v^
We caused a great sensation'
We sunk a junk with a flood of spunk
From mutual masterbation,
10,
The engineer was McTavish
The.women he did ravish...
His missing tool's at, Istanbul
He was a trifle lavish,. -
11,
.....
The second mate's name was Lester
A virgin hymen tester
Thro! thick, hymens, he. shoved his prick
And left it there to fester,
12,
The...ships dog's name was Hover
The. whole, crew did him over
They ground and ground, that faithful
From Singapore to Dover. . (hound,
13.
A homo, was the ..purser . :.
He couldn't have been-worser
With all the- crew he. had a screw
Until' they yelled u0h..no Sir, n
14.
.The ..cook whose name was..Freeman
.A.:dirty bloody demon ....
,He .fed. the crew on menstrual stew
And foreskins fried in semen,
15. " '
.^The third mate's name-.was Morgan,
A. homosexual gorgon
Threes time a,day he'd si:t and play
'With his reproductive organ,
THE , GIHL . ON BQNEE 'BEACH "
..'", ."';';.
(Tune. Show Me The Way to go Home .„,,,).,.
Show me the way to go ..home, said, the girl on Bpndi Beach,. .
I had a swimsuit about an hour ago.,,.but its floated, but of reach,
And all I have on now, is seaweed,', sand and f oaffi-t ;.
So give me a page from the Sunday Sun, and show me'the way to., go home,
............-1".2"" -.......... "............"' .- ■?.
\ .MOBILE
Oh' the Bishop 'is"a bugger in Mobile ' ., ,,,.;,:
.- ' -C'-. Oh the Bisho'p:'is; a; 'bugger in Mobile
. r ..:.■" ©h';.the'Bishop': is a'bagge'r / ..,f!,,.. .-!^j-.," .■..
■....'■■..-'; .: ■
And his brother.is another
. - .;■
/And^-they whop it up each,',other in Mobile..,.:.,
.; . '';;.'Chortii3:--: Siigihg 'IT will' if'; you will so will I..-. ......
\ .
<.■-'." ^Singing X;will if you will so will I
Singing I will if .you will
■■'■■■".'■■.■■"'■ .'.■■.■. "I will^ if .uou will .... ... , .--: :. » ..
.^ '"'Singing; I will if';.you will so. will I
Oh'the-girls they wear tin pants in Mobile, etc
But they take them off to dance .__. . -.; -.'■...i-
'. -; 'Everybody ge 1b a :chance in Mobile ' ..'..:,,.,. /=:.-:. '--■■■
Chorus . ...,,.'/..' ' (. . . ., . .;.■....'
.;:-
" There's'a shortage of' good whores in Mobile, etc,
. . But there's keyholes, in the doors
....
...'-
'.::'Md''there'1 s knot hole's in thq floo.rs"' in"'. Mo bile... ■
Chorus" ..,, ,, "'
"
'....:".. '.',' ;. .-.,..-..
!' . — ./ There's a prostitute" called Dinah in Mobile, etc,
And you'11 find that when-you grind her.
...:..v.
'-.'-''
That she. s: got the best vagina in Mobile, . / ► . ■, ;.,.;". ,r ' .
': Chorus . ,.,,." ...... ,;-.:,
..;. ;
:' < !'0h the parson is perverted in Mobile, etc,
And his morals are inverted,
.-.■.'...■-: ;:■/■ i--j;:.-
- But there's thousands he's converted'in Mobile, ■/..-;
ChorUS ,,o. . .■' ' " \
... ' ■ : .. ' -.■■;: ..j-./" '_
. 'There's no paper in the bogs in Mobile, etc,
So they wait until it . clogs
':'r .:."."'. Then they saw'it off in logs in Mobile,
Chorus ,.',.,,
......
.;■-.■,:■..■■;.-..■. :
. Oh'the eagles they fly high in Mobile, etc,
And they shit right in your eye
It's a pity cows dorft fly in Mobile
Chorus ,,,,.,
..:■:. j r, :
Frenchies are in .short supply'" in Mobile, etc, ' ' ' ':
And that's the reason, why.
You'll see them hanging out- to dry in-Mobile . . .....;.■
"Chorus ,,,,., ^
; . ;.
There's a poofter boy named Hunt in Mobile, etc,
And he thinks he's got a cunt
But he's only back to front in Mobile,
Chorus .,,,,,
- 3 -
MOBILE (Cent.)
; , _,; _;
J±/:;.....-;:;
There's a man named Colonel;.Brown in Mobile, . etc...-.
You can tell him by the wreath
Of pubic hairs around his teeth,in Mobile,... ■': /■;.. ■■
Chorus .,.,,,
■_}-.. '; ■■;'.■"■. :.'
Oh, '.the virgins .they are . rare -%n Mobile,.. -.-etc; ■■.
:'
When they get their pubic hair
.. , ..
\j .
TheyTre deflowered by the Mayor in Mobile,
Chorus ,,,,„,
. , ,
ThereTs a lad named Dirty Danny in Mo.bi'le,: etc..'.
,.nd he likes .his bit of fanny .
And he gets it off his.Granny in Mobile,
Chorus ,,,,,,
There1 s a bastard aclled Merest or in--Mobile, etc ■ ■.
Who's th$ greatest. masturbator, forniis'atox .;,
Cunt inflater in Mobile.
Chorus ......
; ■■■-
■■:.. ,..
Therefs a girl with no ambitions in/Mobile,- etc.
And when she .isn't: 'wishen? she. gets it in the kitchen; ... -'-"
From the local obstetrician in Mobile,
Chorus .,,,,,
.
Gentlemen of the drinking classes in Mobile,;' etc, - = --..
When youVve-finished, with your glasses. -: .■,;.'
You can shore . em up your arses in Mobile,
1 0L3) KING'COLE
Old King Cole was a merry'old eottl
And a merry old soul was he5 '.'■■'"
, ,. '
:-;\ A
He called for his wife.in.the middle ;of the. night '.' . , ' " ""'
And he called for his Tiddlers three ,.,' "
Now every fiddler had a very fine fiddle, .
And a very fine fiddle had.he," "'
■ . ", ' ."T
Oh fiddle like hell, like-hell said the fiddler:,;-' v.''.
Mighty men are we.f . .
'"■..". 7.V\. ,-.
Thei?eTls' hone so fair as oan' comparer with 'the- boys of the . Varsity,
,,,, And he called for his .drummers.,three '" ..[....
','..;''
Now every drummer had'a fine drum,.
' /l
And a very fine drum had. he
Oh thump it righV up to the stump said the drumrner, '
Oh fiddle like hell, like hell said.the fiddler, .
Mighty men ,,,. '''
._.
. ' ' .'
- 4_~.....
OLD KING CO IE (Cont.)
, .- \ ^ ; ;
. .. And he called f or ni&. flutists . threes; ./.. ^,.,;-, . ...:;. ,-:. -,
.-;..- :::
Now every flutist had a fine flute.- --.l. r..'.■.-.: v:■.■..■ .....■.'■;"
And a very fine flute, .'had' he', .-..:.■ ■..... ; rv-.-..■ ,■.. ■,,-.:..--■
....;■.■,:■;;; ';::;..
Oh root tiddly oot tiddly.oot said the flutists,
Oh thump it right up to the stump said the drummer
Oh fiddle like hell, likehell: said -the fiddler, ,. ■
Mighty men ....
■ s-.:.; ■. . :.■.<<.
. .. And he called for his jugglers three
Now every juggler had a fine ball
And a very fine .ball had:he.t; , .:.....;
r:
Oh throw your balls in the air said .the juggler,.. '.;. . . ...
. .. And he called for his coalmen three
Now every coalman had a very fine sack
And a very fine sack 'had.-he, ,
:..■..■,.; .;'.--. ■.... : ...: ■;:■■;./;■■..
Want it in the front or the back .said the ..coalman,- . ... :.: ;;l .>..;'
. .. And he called for his tailors three
,;- :.■:/■
Now every tailor had a very fine needle,
And a very fineneedle. had -he,.. ■...:.;,■..
.-.
.
Thread it in ;and out, in and out said the..tailorf: . . „, , .■
. .. And he called for his painters three
Now every painter had a fine brush,
And a very fine brush had he,
Wop it up and down, up and.down said the-painters,.' ....... ...
.... And he called for his horsemen three,
Now every horseman had a fine horse,
And a very fine horse had he,
Oh ride it up and down. up and down said the horseman, ....
<, . . And he called for his axemen three
Now every axeman had a f ine;'£:ke,'
And a very fine axe had he,
h chop it right back to the stump said the axemen, ....' ■ .'.
. ■.. And he called for his surgeons three
Now every surgeon had a fine knife, ' . ,.
'
And a very fine knife had he,
. Gut. it round the knob and make it throb said the surgeons-,'-;,.\.
... And he called for his. butchers three
Now every butcher had a fine block,
And a very fine block had he,
Put it on the block and chop it off said''the butchers. ....
... And he called for his fishermen three, .
Nov; every fisherman had a fine rod, ....
And a very fine rod had he,
Mine is six foot long said the fisherman, .,,,
_ 5 -
OLD KING COLE (ContQ
. .
, .. And he called for"his Huntsmen three ....... -i'
■ Now every huntsman .had a fine horn,- "..' .,...;■.-"
And a very fine horn had he,
" - ...t;v . . s -:
Up with the horn in the morn said the' huntsmen;, .....!,
. .. And he called for his parsons "three
Now every parson had a fine'book,
... .... ■■■;■.
]'
And a very fine book had'he v-': '. ■'■■<■'"
:
-
Goodness gracious me said the-parson
Up with the horn in the morn said the huntsmen.. ,. :
Mine is six foot long said; the fisherman;"''.'"_ >;.-;-. """
Put is on the block and chop it of: said the butcher,
Cut it round the knob and make it throb said the surgeon, ;
Oh chop it right back to the- stump said'the axemen, ^ .
Oh ride it up and down3 up and down said the horsemen,
Wop it up and down, up and down said the painters,\' - ;■. " ";
Thread it in and out, in and' out said the tailors ?-.
Want it in the front or the back saicl the coalman,
Oh throw your balls in the air said the jugglers,- .■ .. .-I . .."
Oh root tiddly oot tiddly oot said the flutists,-;.; -:'"
Oh thump it right up to the stump' said the drummer
Oh fiddle like hell, like hell said the fiddler.,,../
Mighty men are we,
There's none so fair as can compare with the boys of the fVarsity,
. . -.. .
. ..,
MY BXUE BEDROOM >.....
There's a little red light,
. . .-
And a turn to the right,
■
" ;.
Brings you to my- blue bedroom,
'.
There's a haggard face on the pillow case
A form devine, she's a knockdown whore-:
She's been had before
But tonight she's mine
My Molly and me, we will, never -be three- '.'
We're too- careful'in my bluer. bedroom .
-....■..,.
Here's to the girl with the turned up nose,
The turned in eyes and the turned down _tq.es.,,
With the turned up. heat and.the turned, down light, .-
And the hunch T had turned out all right,,. ..-.;■
- 6 -
THE ALPHABET -SQNG .;..;.:..
A is for arseholes all covered in'-hai^
"Heigh Hoi says Roily " :
.
33 is the bugger that wished he'were : there
With a roily polly ?up 'em; :4hd; stuff 'em
"Heigh Hoi says Antony Roily.. ; '';.
C is for cunt all dripping with piss "'
'■ ■
D is the drunkard that gave it a kiss.'
E is for:'eunichs with only one ball:
.
P is the fucker with no balls at all. ; ..",
G is for gonorrhoea, goitre and gout r- . .
H is the harlot that spread it about, '"!.
I is injection for. clap, pox and Itch .
J is the jerk of'a:dog.:on a bitch,- -;.-..
';
K is the king;-who thought fucking a bore
L. is the lesbian who came back for more, ,
M is for maidenhood' all tattered and torn
N is for noble who died with a horn,
0 is for orifice gently revealed .
? is for penis all pranged up and.peeled,
Q is the q.uakor who shot'in his-hat '.
E is the roger who rogered the cat,
:.,---:
S is the shitpot all filled .to the brim ....
T is the turds that are floating therein,
U is the usher, who taught us at school .. .
V is the virgin that played with his tool,
W is the whore who thought fucking a farse
X Y and Z you can stuff up your arse,
:: ■.■ . #. '.■■.■ ;
If a hat factory girl gets felt once a week,
A miller gets his oates three times a week.
A builder gets an erection every three months,
The table cloth gets jerked off after the meal
A dentist gets 17/6 for putting tools in a girlTs mouth
Then why the hell should a doctor get 30/- for coming once.
ABDUL A .BULL . -BULL EMIR
The maidens of Russia were fair to behold
But the harlots were better by far,
And the best one'to mount was owned by a count,
Count Ivan Skavinsky Skavar,
■ ■ tt ■
' .
■ -j
Came a travelling, brothel^came to the town
!Twas owned by a Turk from- afar,
And oft did he brag that he could out-shag
' Count Ivan Skavinshy Skavar,
Well fixed was the date-for this" spectacle great,.'
A holiday proclaimed by the Czar, .-.,...
The streets were all lined with, harlots assigned . '
To Ivan Skavinsky Skavar.
ThQy arrived at the.track .with their tools on the slack,
The starter!s gun punctured the air, ." -:' . '
And midst cheers and sighs, the^priGk did arise . ' A
Of Abdul a Bull Bull Emir.
...
The cunts were all shorn, and no frenchies were"' worn, s.
And Abdul..s arse revved like-a car,
But he couldn!t compete with the slow steady beat
Of Ivan Skavinsky Skavar. " :
Now Ivan had won .and was cleaning his'gun,
And bent down to polish his pair.,,
When something red hot up his back passage shot ;
trTwas Abdul a Bull. Bull Emir.
The ladies turned green, and the men- shouted' "Queenl"
They were ordered apart by the Czar,
But Abdul was stuck (it was bloody-hard luck)
Up Ivan Skavinshy Skavar,
Now the cream of this joke when apart, they were broke
Was laughed at for:.years by-the Czar,. .'
For Abdul, poor fool, left three parts- of his tool
Up Ivan Skavinsky Skavar,.
,..#.. - :-. ■■■■. #■;'■■
.;
"To the hills menl"
"What about thewbmen?"
"Puck the- women," ' ■ ■ -r
"Is there time?"
, _.■ .8 - ;;■ ;
.LITTLE . .ANGELINE
She was sweet sixteen, little iingeline
Always dancing on the village green::
Never had a thrill, was a virgin' s-til,
Poor little Angeline...
Now the local Squire had a low desire
Filthiest bastard in. the .whole ;. damn. Shire,- .'
He had'set his heart'on the..vital'part'
of Poor .little Angeline. ;■ > . ;
Came,,the village fair, and the Squire was there
Masterbating on the village: -'square '
:¥hen he chanced to. see the.- dainty knee :'. " ' .
Of poor little .Angelin..
She had raised her skirt to avoid the dirt
As she ,skipped bewteen the puddles of the Squires last squirt
And'his cock grev<? raw at the sight he saw
Of poor...little;..A£gline.
So he izaised his hat and he said "Your cat -
Hass been run over and is squashed quite flat,
Now my car's in the-Square, and I Ml take you there,
Poor little Angeline.
":
How that filthy turd should have got that bird
As she climed right in without a word;
j
As they drove away you could hear thefn say,
!
"Poor little Angeline.
■
They had not gone far when he stopped the car
And took..little Angeline into.--a .bar <.'
Where he gave he gin just to;. make her sin
Poor little Angeline,.
When he.d oiled her well, he took her to a dell
And there he gave her bloody fucking hell
And he tried his luck on a low-down fuck
With poor little Angeline.
With a cry of rape he raised his..cape'
Poor little Angeline had'no escape'
Now it's time some-one came "to save- the' name
Cf poor little Angeline
Now the village blacksmith was brave and bold.
And loved Angeline for years untold
And he vowed he?d be true whatever they'd do
To poor little Angeline.
LI TTLE ANGELINE (Cent , )
But sad to say, that very same day
The blacksmith'' had gone to jail to stay
For coming in .his- pants to the local dance
With poor .little Angeline.
Now the window of his cell overlooked the dell
Where the Squire with Angie was giving her .hell,
And there upon the grass .he recognised the arse
of Poor little Angeline,
He got such a start he.let go a fart
And blew the whole bloody, jail apart
And he'^a'n like'shit 9 lest the. Squire should split
His poor little Angeline.
When he arrived at the spot .he saw what was what
He tied the villians penis in a double reef knot
.;->s. the Squire lay upon his guts. he got a kick in the nuts
From poor little Angeline,
n0h blacksmith^ blacksmith. I love §tou .true
And I can tell by your trousers that you love me too-
Here -.. am undressed^ you can do the rest
Cried poor little Angeline
Now it would be wrong9 here9 to end this song.
For the blacksmith had a penis fully pne foot long
And his natural charm was as thick as your arm
LUCKY LITTLE ANGELINE,
"..'..
Why should.,we be poor
Why should-we .be poor
. Me mum's' a. bit of a prostitute '.
Me dadfs .a bit of a whore,
.Me sister walks '.the town,
Me brother sells his browni.
And I'm a bit of a fuck meself .
So why should we be poor,
PASSION — The feeling'you feel when you feel you are going
to fded a feeling that you have 'never felt before,
JOHN ■■ ■-" rEEL
■.'■.■.. .....-■■.;
nDo ye; ken John Peel?" "Yes I know the bugger/'well-
With a-head on'his hammer like ..the Inchc&pe bell,
Nine .inches on the" slack, twelve-, inches: on the swell.
As he revels in the joys of copulation,
.Cats on the rooftops, cats on the 'tiles, '.
Cats with' syphilis, gonorrhoea piles,,
. ;,.. Cats with their' arse-holes breathed in smiles
As they revel . in' the joys- of copulation. ' ■.■■.-.
Do .y,e ken John Peel, with his cock in a sling ■' "■.'..■
And his two brass balls "going -ting-a-ling-a-licg,.
Hef-S:lying in'the grass with a. parrot'up .his arse
And he wont take it out till the morning, .
Now the elephant is a junny bloke, ' :''7 .'-. ;:";?-..
. ■ He.very seldom 'has a -joke,. .■'-,,
But when he' does he "lets it- soak, .- <■■■:-. . ■
As he revels in the joys of copulation,.
The hippopotamus is seems
. Yery- rarely has wet dreams,
But.when he does, it comes In streams, v ■'■■'
As he revels in'the joys of copulation.
Now a funny old fish is the old'sperm whale
With a funny little diddle tucked under his tail,;'
And he rides his missus in the teeth of a gale . ■'■ .;..
As he revels in the joys of copulation.
Oh the sergeant major leads a solitary life,
He hasn't got a woman, and :he hasn'. t got a wife,
So he-satisfies, himself With a regimental life
As he revels in the joys of'copulation,
If you wake up-in'the morning with you penis inyour hand,
And you have a funny feeling in your seminary gland
If you haven't got a woman, then pull it in you hand
In the dark early hours of the morning,
The poor domestic. doggie on the chain all day
Never gets a. chance to let himself go gay,
""""'So he licks at his .dick in a frantic way
As he revels in the joys of 'copulation.
The owls in the trees, the cats on the tiles,
One fucks in solitude, the other fucks in files,
You can hear delighted howls and the shrieks for miles
As they revel in the joys of copulation,
■- 11 -
JOHN PEBL (Cont..) .........„.;...;...........
. , ..
Now I met a girl and she was a d'earf
" .
But she gave me a' dose of".gonorrhoeae
Pools rush in where angels fea'r , Oo.
As I revel in the joys-of copulation,
Wake up in the. morning with thoughts.of sexual-joy-
And you wife has got the monthlies, and you daughter says she's coy
Just rip it up the rectum of your eldest boy,
As you revel in the joys of copulation,
. . . . .
THE MONK OF PRIORY__HALL
There was a monk of great renown
There was a monk of great renown'
There was a monk of great".renown,
He fucked all the harlots around the town
He fucked all the harlots around the., town...
Chorusg
The old bastard. The old sod.
What1!! we do with him? Fuck himI..
Let us pray -
Glory Glory Allelulah — Shit.
Balls to Mr, Winklestein, Winkle-stein,. Winklestein
Balls to Mr, Winklestein,; dirty old man . .
For he keeps us waiting .while hefs masturbating
So balls to Mr. Winklestein, dirty old man.
He ups fem and he downs. Tem
He fucks -l em and he drowns . em .
So balls to Mr. Winklesteins d.i.rty old man,.
The monk stood in the Priory "Hall {3 )
He fuck a nun against the wall (2)
The other monks, looked down in shame (3.)-..
And wished they could do the same. (2) . '. ■
There came a maid with downcast eyes (3)'
They bashed it in between her thighs (2)
They buried her beneath.the grass (3)
The dug he up and. fucked ,her .arse (.2) . . .' .. .
■. ." ■. . ' '
Many a tight nut has. been loosened by a small wench.
A gal can be mighty nice when she wants.
- 12 -
THE HARLOT OF JERUSALEM., .
In days of old there lived a. maid "
Who used to do a roaring trade
A prostitute of ill repute
. .'' .
^he harlot of Jerusalem,:
Chorus % ' ■
Hi Ho Kafoozalem Kafoozalem Kafoozalem
Hi Ho'Kaf oozalem the- Harlot,.of Jerusalem,
She lived within the palace walls
And round the walls were hung the balls
Of every coot that tried to root
The Harlo..t.of Jerusalem, .-;
Nearby there lived" an Arab, tall
Who with his prick.- could move a wall
It was the pride of nearly all.
The Harlots of Jerusalem,. .
One night. returning from a spree
He saw here there beneath a tree . ... . ..
And vowed that very night.that-he
-
Would lay her in Jerusalem,
- ■ ' . ,-.
He took: her to a shady nook
And from his open .fly he took
A penis like a butcher'1 s. hook
The finest in Jerusalem, '
He laid her down upon her back
And tried to shove it u.p her crack
But had no luck in trying to fuck
The Harlot of Jerusalem,
Kafoozalem she gave a grunt
And with a snap she shut her cunt
And threw him high into the sky
Far beyond -Jerusalem, . "' '
Away he flew across the sea.
Across the Sea of Gaililee
And caught his bollocks in a tree
Three leagues beyond Jerusalem,
And there he hangs unto this day
And seen by all -who pass that, way
The silly ape that tried to rape'
The Harlot of Jerusalem,
.x- . ' . ..
- 13 _
I AIN'T GONNA GRIEVE__MY LORD
Ohl The deacon 'went down, . (0h9_ the deacon "went down)
In the cellar to pray? fin "the cellar-to pray9)
He found ten gallons and (lie found ten gallons, )
And stayed all .day,.. (And stayed all day0)
Oh, the deacon went down in the cellar to pray9
He found ten gallons and stayed all, day,'
Chorus
I ain't gonna grieve my Lord no more, '
0h? I ain?t gonna grieve my Lord no more
I ain't gonna grieve my 'Lord no more,-
0h9 you canft go to Heaven tin a Ford coupe
You've got to go rin a Chevrolet. '
Oh, you cant go. to Heaven in a submarine,
Cos the Lord don!t like no tinned sardine, "
Oh, You canlt go to Heaven with a bottle of gin9
Cos the Lord wont let"no spirits in,
Oh you can!t go to Heaven in a sleeping bag,
Cos there ainrt no room for your'wings to wag,-"
Oh, you can't go to .Heaven on a pair of skisr
You'll slide right- past St. Peter's knees...
You can't go to Heaven on. roller skates,
You' 11 roll right past thosp. pearly gates.,
Oh, you cari.t go to-Heaven with A:.N0Ao,,
Cos their old planes don't fly- that way,
Oh you can't go to Heaven with a bottle o' beer,
Cos the Lord'11 say, "No grog in herel"
0h9 you can' t go to Heaven with chewy on your chin,
You'll stick to the.gates as you pass in,
Oh, you can't, -go to Heaven in a feather bed,
Cos you'll never get up when the prayers are read,
Oh you can't go to Heaven in a woman' s .arms ..
Cos St. Pauls decries those feminine charms
Oh, if you get to Heaven before I do,
Just bore a hole, and.pull me through.
That's all there is, there ain't no more,
St. Peter said as he slammed the door.
.. ■& ■. .
Where do mothers learn all the things they tell their
t
daughters not to?
- 14" -
SHAH5S:-' IN' " -TEE'-' VBR¥- ^KBggv.. :CQMBAN.XBS
(Tune s. "r^My Bonny- lies .over- the -Ocean.'.....); ;
I!Ye shares' in the' ver^- best companies.,. -.
In tfatiiways, tobacco and .fin...--
In brothels :ih Bio: de Janierov .- .. . .;,-■
.,.....'..
My God, how the money rolls in.
Chorusg
Bolls inl. . .Bolls.."inJ.' '/ V:'"'■'■'
See how the money'rolls in. rolls inl ;
Bolls inl 'Bolls inl. .-.-..-. .
My God9 how the money, rolls inl
With wealth in' the" big German steel-works . r . ..
No wonder I helped Hitler win,'. ■.
For when he supressed -the trades unions,
My God, how the money rolled in,"' ■'■".'" :-'"-
My father sent'field guns t-o Franco,
My brother raised loans for Berlin,,
My uncle sent scrap.iron to Tokyo,
To make ^ure . the-money rolled in,'
My cousin's a starting price bookie,
My mother sells-synthetic>gin,
My sister sells js/in-.to the .sailors
My God9 how the money rolls '.in.
My brother's a curate 'in Sydney,
He's saving young girlies from .sin9
. ."He- 11-'save you. a blonde for a dollar5 _
My God9 how the. money rolls in.'
We've started an old fashioned gin shop.-.
A regular palace of sin,'
'
The principal ;girl is my grandma9
My God, how the--money rolls''in.
- ■ ■ -. . —>e' - -x- -.
"Did you have a good time on your date with the Siamese twins?"
"Well, yess and no,"
- 15 -
THE , TI1QCER
There was a fair young Duchess
Returning from a ball,
When she chanced to'spy "a tinker9
A-pissing on the wall.
: Chorus's
■■;.■..-.'.. ■■":■■...
With his bloody great kidney -wiper-. .'..■
And his balls .the" size-of. three9
And a yard and a half of foreskin hanging down below his kneess
. Hanging down ,..,-Indies thick,
Hanging down 000. What a pricki
So she wrote to him a letter.' .■..;'
And in "it sKe did' say, ....
I'd rather be fucked by a tinker
Than a husband any day, ...
The tinker got the letter1/' "
.....-..■. . ■.
The message he did .read,: ■.■. = = .■. . .■■-,■ ::. . . . - .
His prick began to quiver
And his balls began to ''bleed,
He mounted on his charger
And on it he did ride5
With his prick along .the saddle, .. .
",
And his balls on either side.,
He rode up to the castle
He rode up to the wall,
?!God save usin cried the bmtler
?tHe comes to do us all„n
... He-.;rode in through ..the., gateway, ..... ... ...
Did the cat upon the 'stairs'!
On enetering the .boudoire, ....<.
= .■
Caught the duchess unawares,
He went down to the'kitchen,
'And 'fucked "the servants all,
.<.,. But the way he bummed the butler
..Was the. shittiest &e§d "of .alio .-.,'"
Home is the'only place you can scratch where it "itches.
- 16 -
ON__THE --r-~^:" 'MY - ./.OP _ CHRISTMAS
On the first day of Christmas, my. true love said to me
One french letter-very filthy.
On the second day of Christmas my true love said to'me
Two virgin queens,
- '
And a french le'tt.er very filthy..
On the third day of Christmas, my true love said to me
Three boy scouts,
'
Two virgin queens,
And a french letter very filthy1
...... :etc.
Four windmill girls ....o
Five choir boys
Six convicted vicars <,„..
Seven sex-starved sisters ...'..
Eight useless eunuchs . . . . '
.. ■
Nine naughty nymphs
Ten tired trollops .., 0 < -
Eleven lecherous lesbi.ans
Twelve twitching twats . . . .
.
. -X- - -& .
CASTRATED DINOSAURS - A collosal fossil with a docile tossil
DACHSHUNDS A lowdown son of a bitch. . ..'.
LOUSY BASTARD; One who sits and scratches himself while his
father and mo'ther are being .married,
ANGELs A female spirit who :spends -most of her time wishing she
could'trade her harp-for an upright organ,
MASTURBATIONS A solo played on a private organ.
QUEENs A man who likes his vice versa.
THE ARMY IATRINE ....,
(Tunes 'Begin the Beguile r"v.-.■■. )
My job is to clean and army latrine.-
I'm the man with the plan for the pan that everyone'uses,
The paperTs OK, on both sides the news is9
AllTs perfectly clean in my- arn&y latrine', . . ■ =■ .
I scrub it all night, I scrub it all days "'" ;:
I keep it the way, the way you'd expect its
And when it gets high I just disinfect it, '■'■' '. '
And everything's clean in my army 'latrine, '■'. .■...■
I scrub it again at four in the morning,-' ■ ■■■;- ,. . .■
My cobbers join iny we polish the chains
And then we are scrubbing--away forever,■■'■'.■= ..-■.-. ;;■.■=. ..■/.;
And wondering if ever we'll get''out ■ that stain, .
What notions divine - what" raptures "IT ve. seen,- .: -.-..J .;..:-■.;'.;
But along comes a crowd to destroy the work: ITve created,
They just let it fly, don'tca^e where -they place^iti- .—. ■■}.'};
You see what I"mean, ih"'my bloody- latrine .' .■.;... ■-,.■'..'.'
If a man is a freak: ::and- must ]_ealc like- a creek:,, letrhim pay
I've placed pots for the clots who take shots in every direction
I!ve sandpapered each face -'so £ach- -'b.as£--'-{ can establish connection
But it all goes unseen in,my: army- latrine .. . . . -.[..."..;■; ■■'. - :'."'
No they wonTt keep it cleans' thatvbloody:' latrine.,.:l~ ■::■:: .;..-:-,_
Though the seats are all neat and complete underneath wooden ledges,
But they still get it wet" like- an artist's pallette:. Ground/the edges
But I stand aloof..- they. .can't ..hit. .the:- "ro.o'fV. - :.-...
That's the one place that's clean, in /my, bloody latrine . ""
FATHER'S BAYs Nine months'before-"labour day , ' \ r\/
Sir FRANCIS BRAKEs The man'who circumcised the World ti/irfch a
forty-foot cutter. :._ ■ ...,.; .
HUSBAND? What-is left .of a ' 'lover/afterv'the '-nerve """has 'been
killed, ,.._,. " .." ... ^.. ..-V .,.".' V /'":.'''i:' :
METALLURGISTS A man who can ;look. at a^ platinum blonde and tell
whether she. is aVirgift, of a] Qommoir ore ,'■;' ' :-
ALIMONY % The, sc.rewing.'.you . get ' f or /the'; s'crfewxirg; ybu' got".'
- 18 -
TELL US ANOTHSRIE
A giddy young trollop at
Yale.............""'.......~~............................
Had verses tatooed on.her tail
'■■' ' -^.'1)
And below her behind,
For the sake of the blind,' .
. . . ,. ,. , , ,.
Was--a duplicate "version in braille,... : .'..... '_.'"/ ..-,",., J''V.
Choruss
■■:.-' i-....\
.."'■'
Oh, that was a dirty old rhyme, - -? ' , V .".;. :..
Tell us anotherie9 dirty as. buggery,
Tell us anotherie do 9 please do.
!," '
There once v/as a lady from Thrance,
Whose corsets grew too tight to lace9 ' ' .'". .■■■;■ . >.
Her mother said, MMolly, there's more in your belly
Than ever went through your face„n ' " ■ ' ■
There once was. a lady of the Azores.,
Whose cunt was all covered in sores,
Even dogs in the street wouldn't lick the green meat
That hung, in festoons from her drawers'.
There once was a lady; from Exeter' _ .' "■-... '...:'
Who made all the men crane their necks at-her, . '.
And some.who were brave, would gallantly wave
. -, The. distinguishing marks of their sex at her.
There once was a monk from Siberia.-.-;
Whose morals were" rather inferior/
He did to a nun what he shouldntt have done,
, And now. she's a Mother'Superior.
There was a young lady called Starkie ' ' .
Who had an affair with a darkie,
The- result of this sin was quadruplets,_hot twins
One black, one white and two khaki,
There once was a young man from Australia,
Who painted his rear like a dahlia,
The drawing was fine, the colour divine,
But the 'smell of the bloom was .a-failure.. ., . ...
A.lesbian once in Khartoum,
^
Asked a fairy boy up'-to her room
.;-
They spent the whole night in a hell of a. fight
As to which should do what and to whom.
The dirty old Bishop of Buckingham, . ;. ...
Was thinking of tits and sucking 'em,
While watching the stunts'of -the punts in:.the. -punts
And the tricks of the pricks that were fucking 'em.
- 19 -
TELL US ANOTHEBIE (Cont,)
There was a young man from Rangoon
Who was an unfortunate houn,
He hadn't the luck: to be born, by a fuck, . .
But by a wet dream fed by a spoon, .'..'.
There was a young girl from Bengal.
Who went to a birth control ball, :
Took: all her accessories, French letters and pecaries,
And didn't get asked at all,
A policeman from Tottenham Junction
Lost the use of his se ual function,
For the rest of his life-, he deceived his wife.
By dextrous use of his trunchion. ■ . .
There was a young man from St0.t P.auls ■.
W"ho had a hexagonal ball,
.
The square of. his dafte,-,p;lus his penis times eight.
Was two fifths of five eighths of fuck:ail,
There was a young chap from the Cape,. .
Who foolishly took on an ape,
The ape said, "You fo.al, you111 bugger your tool,
And put my arse out of shape," ; . ...._.-.
There was a young lady from Japan,
Who went for a ride in a tram,
The dirty conductor- got up and fucked her,.
:,
And now she's wheeling a pram., .
' There was a young lady f rom Gurrie ^Hall.
Who wore a newspaper dress to a ball,
The dress caught fire, .and burnt her entire,-
Front }.age9 sporting section and all.
A dirty old bastard called Dave,
:
Used to keep a dead moll in a-cave, . ■. , .
....
He said, ,! 1 admit I'm a bit.of a shit
But look at the money I save. p. ... .
"There was......a young man from Cape Horn.-.- ,
Who wished that he had never been,born9 .
;
He wouldn't have been if. his father-had., seen :.-.:. ;j..
That the end of his frenchie was torn, ..;..-. ...
There once was a Jewess called Grace,
Who sucked off one of her 'race',-
In spite of his howls she- sucked out' his bowels, ;
And spat them right back in hi,s face'. ...■..-..
- 20 -
TELL US ANOTHSRIE (Cont,) ■ '■-■—■■......■'.......'.......................
There said a young lady from York
To a Frenchman who gnawed at her fork,
MMy cunt is dripping, so s.top your. sipping,
.
...'
And use your cock as a cork,n
There once was a girl from Lieth, .
...._.
Who sucked men off with her teeth. . ;.;. -. ■ :
It wasn!t for pleasure she-adopted this measure. ■ .. . .
But to get at the cheese underneath, v.-".".. .;.-.. ..-. . .
There was ayoung man from Bardon,"
Whose sort sucked him off in the garden. -
He said, nHey Flo, whe're did that ■ one go?n-
She said, "Hup, beg your pardonI"
There was a young man from Kildaire,
Who started to root on a stair,
When the bannister broke, he just quickened his stroke
And finished her off in'mid-air,
.■......
There was a young fellow from Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of seeds, , ..-...'.
In a month, silly -arse 5; he was covered in grass.-r ' .
And couldn't sit down for the weeds-; . . ■
There was a young splinterish lass, .■
Who constructed her panties of brass,- . .■ ■ .
When asked, "Do they chafe?u She s'aid,. HYes9 -but itf a safe
Against pinches and pins in your arse.," ■
A midget, one quite indiscreet, .; ;.
Went to a dance in the street,
One frigid December, he froze every member,. . ..
And crept away to retreat,
. .. .
A fanatic gun lover named Crust,
Was perverse to the point of disgust,
His idea of a peach, had a 16 inch breack,
And a pearl-handled 44 bust,
There once was a maiden from Multry,
Whose knowledge was quite desultery,..
She explained like a sage, adolesence. - the stage ;?>
Between Puberty and adultry,
There was a young lady from ;,ydney,
'Who could not take it right uo to the. kidney,
But a man from the South got it up to her mouth
He got his money1 s worth didn't-he?,.
- 21 -
TELL US ANOTHERIS (Coat ,_)
.. '.....................—
:1.^' : ..±..........;.......M:.
There was a y&ung lady from Kew9
Who said, as the Bishop -withdrew,
"The vicar was quicker and slicker and thicker' : '■ ' ' ■
And nine inches longer than you," : ' ' ' .
There was a young fellow from ?eru9
■.<:ho lived on cat's jerk-off and spew,'
When he tired of these,' he.lived on the' cheese '
That under his foreskin grew . "'.
'
There once was a monastry monk9 .
' ""
Who went to sleep In a bunk9
He dreamt that Venus was stroking his penis ;
And woke with a handful of spunko
A dirty old man from Calcutta,'
Once raped a girl in the gutter,,
- ;,: - ;
The heat of the' sun burnt a hole in his.-bum.. .... :-
And melted his balls. in/tp,\ butter.'■-. ►'■'.■■.'
There was an old hag from JahdreV -
Who was covered with syphilis sore9
Great sheets of green meat hung in lengths to the street,
.For the dogs to lick up and gnaw 0 - ' '
There once was a dentist named Chome,
.
Who had a young patient from Home,
.
In a fit of depravity he filled the wrong cavity, .'
Now she's nursing the filling at home', ''
' :"■
There once was a lady called Myrtle.
Who had an affair with a turtle.
The next day at dawn9 she gave birth' to' a--prawn,
Which proved that the turtle- was fertile.
'■ '
Said the Luke to the Luchess elective,'
: ■
nIs my eyesight becoming defective9
Is the east tit the least bit the' best-bit of the west tit; -
Or is it my lack of perspective?""
There was a young man from Rhiems'
Who used to have wet dreams9 -
With commendable wit, he encased them in shit,-'
And sold them as chocolate creams,
There was a young man called Geoff',-
Who was exceedingly deaf,'
When his wife said "Fuck"", he-'thought she" said "Suck",-
And drank all the cum that was left.- .
- 22 ~
TELL US ANOTHSRIB__(Oont.)
There was a young girl from Tottenham.
Who used to bake pies and put shot in 'em,.
She also interned the turd.-s. of the birds T
That wopped off the young dogs till 'they, .shot ' em0 ";/: ';:/'
There was a young man from the Yarra, ....
Whose prick was a big as a marrow, , . / ' - ■'■" -v
So he said to his tart, ,nCop -this for a start., . .''"'' .. ' / '
And I'll wheel my balls up in a barrow,. _'
There was a young girl from Dakota,
Who lived in a Chinese pagoda -
The walls of the halls were .lined with the ball's
And the tools of the fools that had rode. her. "
There was a young man from West Perth,
The dirtiest bastard on earth,
When his wife was confined, he pulled down the blind,,
And licked up the afterbirth.
There was a young man from the Alice..
Who pissed in the Archbishops Chalice9 '.
It wasn't, the need that .prompted the. deed,
But pure sectarian malice.,
There was a young lady from Osit,
Who went to a twopenny closets
.-..'....
And when she got the.-re. she. could only pass, air,' "";■ '
And that wasn't twopence worth was it?
In the garden of Eden sat Adam,
As he played with the twat of his madam^
He chucked with mirth.. ■ as he thought on this earth" '" ''
There's only two balls and he. had ' em.
There was a young man of Kings,
Whose mind dwelt on Heavenly things,,..
. '.'
His earthly ■.desire -was a-boy. from the choir .
With an arse like a jelly on springs, _ '
. .
There was a young lady of fashion, .
Who had oodles and oodles of passion,''
To the bridegroom she- said-, on- the night she was wed,
"Here's' one thing that the State "'can't ration,?r
There was a young lady of Erskine
And the chief of her charms was her fair skin, . .
But the sable- she wo-re, and .the minks. galore,; '.;
She earned while wearing her bare- skin, ".
- 23 -
TELL US__MOTMSIS^^o^A ..:.: .......:;. ........ ........v ^
Gh-knock-kneed Sam McGuzzen' ■
.. ;>
Who married his-bow-legged cousin. ... ■.■■:--.:- ; . ■ .
Some -people- say,'"love-' finds !a wayv
": ' .'
: :;':
But for Sam and his cousin it doesen!„
A:girl'o'f uncertain ^nativity-'' '.'.' .- . ' .-.'■.':"■.
Had- a sense 'of extreme sensitivity, . ■
" :-
1-'"hen""she sat oh the' lap of-:a- German or"Jap'9- ;
She could sense fifth column activity,
The spouse of a pretty young thing . .■..:.■...'. : .:'..:'
Came hofrie';from the ""wars. irTthe spring ■.
"■■He'-has lame/ but he carriev w£th-"-hi"& hand on his cane,
A "discharge is a wonderful thing,
' There'was' a youhg man-^called ;. Burt . :--:; .
Who shot his bolt with a squirt.
-
";
It 'went in so'fast, "it went through to her arse
And stained the back: of her skirt,
'.'..'. '. -... ....■■ . ■. -. .S---H-- ' . " ,;.":' ...■'.:.'
FOGGY FOGGY ;DEW .
:■ ' .
"■"'Once I.was'a bachelor,' I "lived all-alone, .'
-I-Worked-at the weavers1 trade/' '.''.-
And the -only thing I'ever did wrong--''
Was-to we'o-a fair1-maid-, ■.'■.'
1 wooed.her in the wintertime, and in the summer too,
And the-:-o'nly:: thing 1 ever did wrong ■.'■'■ .-■' -
Was tokeep her--from the Fo'ggy Foggy Dew.
. ' " -
One'night-'she cafe' t- my bedside- when'-'I lay fast 'asleep . .
She put her head upon my bed.'and she- began "to weep, ■.
She wept, she cried. she damn near died,
Ah Mel What could I do9 ;"
So I hauled her into bed;and. covered up-her head9
Just to keep her from the "'foggy 'foggy dew'V
Again I am a bachelor, I live with my son, ;/ ' . ' ; _';:
Wewprk UX' the' leavers''' trade'^, ".'.■';■.. li-".' " !-; ■'"'
"""And every,' every 'timb I look" into' his'' eyes '"■'. ' y '
He reminds me of the fair young maid,
.He reminds me of "the winter-time and the summer too-, ;'..-=-..'..-'
. , And; ihe; many, many times -that T he ld''her ;in my "arms, -:'' :-!:':- r-
' Just tb"keep ^her; ;frbm'the foggy foggy 'dew. /;-' " ■■ '; v;y.'
. -. . .
- 24 -
MM OF__SWEAT ' AND STEEL
I'm a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of an engineer!
A hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of an engineerf
Like evry honest greaser, I like my lager "beers
L1© a rambling wreck of poverty. I'm a hell of an engineer.
We run the Solar System and the:Tramway trust as well,
And many of us who've left this earth are firing down in hell$ .
We111 write our names on scrolls of fame for many a thousand years]
And still we'll sing our songs about the 'Varsity Engineers.
And wherever you may chance to raom, oh land or sky or sea,
You will find a 'Varsity engineer wherever you may be|
And when you've left this mortal earth to sing for ever more
You will hear the .'Varsity . greets ere sing the song they sang beforf
Oh', One day a lighthouse keeper was looking out to sea, '■
He gave a yell and said, u0h hell, a ship in distress I sees"
But the Captain of the hearty ship he-, bade hi'mneve^ fear,-
For the man he had in the engine-room was a 'Varsity Engineer,
We blocked the city traffic and they didn't have a cluei "
The Council got quite frantic and the cops were baffled too-?
''Proceed by Grey Street Bridge, my lads," was all we had to say,
To confound the angry motorists for half a ruddy day.
When Hollywood's glamour dancer thought her legs would please the cj
The boys in blue they7 thought so too and spread a guard around, i
But when the limousine rolled up she didn't get a cheer,
;
For the 'Girl' who got the welcome was a 'Varsity Engineer, .
Ohi we slave away and work all day upon the road to hells
\
We blow the hills to smithereens, with dynamite and shellj
We find our El Dorado, and have our pot of beer's
And when we're broke we tell the joke to a 'Varsity Engineer.
I'm a hell of a hell of a he'll etc,
.. .- .
DRUNK . LAST , NIGHT
Drunk last night
Drunk the night before,
Going to get drunk tonight like we've'never been drunk before;
Here we are as happy as can be, 'cos we are the boys of the 'varsity
Glorious, victorious
One jug of beer between the four'of us
(bloody
lot,
Thank God there are no more of us, 'cos one of us could drink the
Without his pants ones tcbs one of us.could drink the bloody.lot, :
ESKIMO NELL ---^■^■jh:^:
When men grow old and their pricks..grow- cold^,^..;
And the ends of their cocks .turn" .bl.ua-, .■'■ ■.. ..,;:i
And it bends in the middle, like an old ..string fiddle..-:-
They can tell you a tale or two,
So pull up-a chair, and brink me a drink ;-: / .-'
For I've a tale to /.teJ.1, i:. . ; ". '"' ;'".. V:v" ;.
"'■''■\--Z.}iy.i-
Of.Dead-Eye Dick and Mexican Pete "" ''. .' ';''
'/■'■ .::-':
■'■':..
And a harlot named Eskimo Nell,
' '"
When Dead-Eye Dick and Mexican Pete
Were working Dead Man's Creek.
■\ '-"".'
' . "
They had no luck in the way of a fuck
For nigh on half a week,
;1 '
Save a moose ot two, and a caritiou
And. a bison, elk or sow, >
But if you had a prick like Dead-Eye Dick," ''
YouTd think that kinda slow. .."■.■ ■". ..-. -
So they.hit the strand of the "Bio Grand
And they sought Black Mike's, saloon,
And straight away to slake'their thirst, ..= :■-.
They entered the old bar room/
- "
As they passed through the swinging doors
Both gun and cock flashed f,ree,, .
"According to sex, you bleeding wrecks, .
You fucks or fights with me." -; " . ':
' ■■
But Eskimo Nell, she stood it well, ' r -
With a glance/from between her .eyes
;~ -
And looked at.his horn, with-the "utmost' scorn.
As it rose from his hairy thighs. ?
-.
And she blew..a whiff ofthe cigarette .-
-'-.'■"
Over his steaming knobs/"
." "
So utterly beat was Mexica"n;Pete '"""" .'
„
-:..-- " . '■'
That he clean forgot his ,job. ; ". .
.". .-'"
ITwas Eskimo Nell who first "broke- the "spell, ;.-' . .-:- ' '' :
In "accents' clear "and cool? " -y" . /' _ '■- v " .""']'■ V-..■ " . '<"-
"You cunt-struck simp of a Yankee -' pimp,':' ' -:". 'V'.-.'".;-"': -.; ~ ■"
Do you call that thing a tool."
./,',.. .,';;/,:"' '
"If this here town can't get that down,"' i:\ ■-S^' - \ ~~
As she looked at ,-the5 powering whores, ''.- V .■ ',, :_.; , -
"There's one cunt' that 'will' do' the'"stunt," y- -"-:' -,->. y :
That's Eskimo Nell for yours." - . .''--^.-^■-'.;. --; ..
ESKIMO .HELL (Cont,)- "'
So she.stripped off her garments one ..by one,
With and air of .conscious prider." r'-;;'.'.:.'.;- ■." .■ -; >."»--
When forth she stood in her : wo manhood:, :.:..■-:■: .". :..-." ".. ■.
They saw the grea?"fc divide., bS .■■» .-?.;-:■" :. "-u': . --■■ :".r:~ ../- :.r
I.. -J:
He bore her down to a tabl.e;"brown / -'^ :\; -t ;r^ .;
Where someone had-left a glassf ~" "'-'.l! .■'.:;; . ."-V"\ ' \!"'"'"".-'..'
With a flick of her tits, she smashed it ;to.'bits' 1;
Between the cheeks of her arse, "'"'": '"':' /'./; ';/'"' "^;:"'\\
She flexed her knees with supple §ase, . _".. ...
And spread her. legs apart |
'"'"'. " t ',. ".
'"\/.v'
With a friendly nod" to the randy sod ' ' -i. . ;.'■',-
She gave him his cue to starts.
u'i^.'l Vr'L";
But Dead^-Eye Dick knew a trick or two,
And so her took his times " " . '\1 .
With a girl like this it ^waa fucking bliss' \
" , \
So he played, a pantomime. .. l. .-. . ..".".
He flicked his foreskin up and down
.; . _ ._, .
And made his balls inflate ?
, .;.,..
Until they resembled the granite globes ' \... , ^ ; ^t".
That stand at the garden gate.
He winked his arsehole in and out.
And his halls increased in size, '. ,
His mammoth prick grew twice as thick
And reached up to-his eyes.' '
He polished it with alcohol
To make it steaming hots ' \. ... .."".'
And to. finish, the job,, .he sprii^ied^thje. icnobi
With the kayenne pepper'pot.' 4 ...';..V.s . V
He didn't back or take a run, .......... - ...-...-.,.
Or take a mighty leap!
'.......",,.'...'.:
And he didn!t swoop-but he took a stoop. _ . ]'.].'''[.' .,
And a steady forward creep. '".",''';.'. .._.,..."".'
.With a piercing eye he took a, sight t... „,
.Al^ng that-giant tool,'
And the dead slow way he put,;i.t away_v . "',
Was calculating cool.
t
Eskimo Nell was an infidel, ..
, . .
And she equalled a whole harem?',.
And she had the strength o.f. ..ten' in her abdomen
And a rock .of ages beam, '
...
.
. -.29. -
ESKIMO NELL (Cont,) - \f -
^ , -:...
She gripped his oook like a Statewoodrlock ...,..r.i....:.;.
On the National safe deposit^ ..
But Dead-Eye Dick would not c6;m^' quick
(He meant to reserve his powers) .-- ;.'::.':
For when he'd a mind he could- grind "and grind;--; -;r'\\;<
For a couple of solid houa?s . ,. . . ; ;r-i r:; -j^l; ."
So he lay awhile with a subtle smile, '.''.". " ■'■' / '
And the grip of her cunt grew keener!";
Then with a sigh, she sucked him dry,. .-.: ... . .
With the ease of a vacuum cleaner.'".■'.';
■'.■■';
And now my friends, we come to the end
'.'■.'''
Of this copulatory epic,
i,: "
.
The effect on Dick was sudden and quick,
Akin to an anaesthetic,
.-.. . . ....:■-.,
He slumped to the flocflf and he knew no. more,. ' 'r
His passion was spent and dead, "' . ..'"'-„-.' :
Nor did he shout when his tool came out, . .-,
Though it certainly stripped the thread', '
Now Mexican Pete jumped to his feet. .- , --"'-,
To avenge his pal's afront,
-'..:":.
And Ms long-nosed colt, with a jarring;-jolt .■
He shoved right up her cunt. '
He rammed it home with a'-pistol .grip ;.; / : .
And fired it thrice times three! _'■'- : ." :- .■.< .
But to his surprise she oloeed her. eyes,-
And smiled in ecstacy,- ' - ^ - ■,,:\ .-,...
-Then she rose to her feet with a smile Jso sweet. .
"Bully 1" she "cried Tor you," s '" /;' .■' ■
"Though I might have 'guessed that' this was..the best
That you poor. Yankees could do',""' "" - ir ' ' ' ~
"'.- ■
"t!When next my friends, "-you, -two,/intend.,.-.. ; .. V
To go in search of fun-,'./- \;:iuir\ ; - -...;.:..■'. . . :-"
Buy Dead-Eye Dick a sugar stick
- .
And get yourself a bun," ; ~:,
"I'm going back to the frozen North -.....:..■.. % \x; '';■/■
Where the pricks, are hard .and strongs . / ■'
'Where' a fuck!s a fight,' and ar' fightT s" alright /"'"' ';"
And the nights are six 'months .lo'ngi'^V-,/ :'\'_i:-' '['/'■'-/
"When you get it in, it.Ts as hard as" tint;- -.
In the land where spunk is ,spunks_■-. . ,-.. ''-'C-
Not a trickling stream of luke-warm cream,
But a solid icy chunk,"
■■,-.■. ...::■■,,:. ■ '■.....:..'...■
' ~ 30 -
■ _
ESKIMO, , NELL (contQ
Back to., the land where th&y understand '-';"";'..
What it means . to copulate, \'"v':":\ ■.:"-';-"; ■" . : --';-'. 'r
Where.: even". the dead lie two in bed . ': :";:.: ■■■■.■ "■
And the...infants masturbtfte^- -.'■^" ->-': "'- -■■ "'";~" "x" ".~ ■'.-'
Back, to the "land of MEN - "Terra Bolickumw: ;' " -": :'
And there I Ml; spend a worthy" end.
For the North is calling "Come't1. ■ -:'~ --''"' - -''"
So. Dead-Eye Dick and Mexican Pete.--'^ .-''--"
Slunk out. 'of the Bio Grand? .--:-■.:. - ...,-.,
Dead-Eye Dick with a useless prick.
And Pete with no gun in his hand, -" ' "'■" - .
. f .:. :/. . .v . '--..; .. .w
" JUST A BOY
I remember the first time I' tried'it' " .
1 was just a green kid of fifteen - '- -- / "- ;:"
And even though she was much younger"" : --- -- ■"
She was far more composed and' serene." r ^;/r-^-
I was eager, yet awkwardly backward , --
Uncertain of how to proceed
. , ..- .
But she seemed. not to pay-much attention-"-
As to how I prepared to do the deed, -,:^ .;...
It was out in the barn, I remember. ^ ;. j \y-
At the close of a fine summer day.
■? -
And the evening was scented vrith cloyer.. ,v-, f
And the fragrance of new mown hay,
I remember I spoke to her softly
And the"touch of her"body was warm,
As I <noved up lovingly towards her9 } " - '.""""
While she nestled""her fiead'-aH .my-'^rm?--^ ^-"^^^'v ^
Looking back on it now, I remember'
How I stood when my head seemed,, to :..spin.,-.
With the thoughts of the thing I"planned doing
Yet somehow afraid to begin, ■■ ..■,;-;.-. .. ....'..■
Then later I found myself standing .-: -'"...
Uncertain to stay or to run,
And feeling of pride then possessed";me -=^;-"'.'
As I knew the job was well doneV'."'.'!. r ' ■".-;■;' :';'"'-
Twenty years have gone by since that . evening,.,; .-...'"
But I've newer forgotten. I vow.
The thrill and the joy that. I . felt as, a hpy.9. ... .
°moo v aaxtiw jisaii i mm'iva-'&vB&s&o'a\;J ::..\v
■7- 31 ~
CQlpERCIAL ; .. ADVERTISING.
Chinese couple going wild, '"~" ../.... "'" ... ........... ,/,. i !.,"^..
...'.
Want to have a pure white chil<£9:^""^.\ /;'/? ,"-,w. ..'-j\.
Seek advice what can be done ..":%.'.'.: .^'Z:-: -.-Z'Z ",'.;.".'." r'^ ?. '\
But find no way of having. pne^v ;"/'"./-. ■-_., ^Zr-r .i>.'.■_".'.
They watch TV. and while they sit .'" . ... .,V-; .?■'?.;-.,-,;. ":.r
.. " They find a way of having it ~.. ,.. ... .-;'..,.../ ...
On.the job without delay,
_.. .. ..,.'. ...... :..
Sideways is the Chinese way,
Baby born with great delight,
. .....:.. ,
Little fellow pure and white, . \. ';., , r.,.
Father proud and full of glees...... .-..., ...- :..,. ...:. -,.;.,.,,
Tells what he learnt on ToV.,...
.... Z ;.V.../"■
;nHooley -Do o ley, he no fooley
... :. :
..,."..
He put Persil on his tooley,
Wifey, wifey, ver canny
'.. ;-.,..-,, .
She use blue O&o on her fanny . . -'" ." . ■ '.
Wonder where the yellow went .-
Brushed his balls with- Pepsodentr!,:,...,--. . . .
. . -.. . . \ . ".-- .- . „ '""'. .-
YOUR SPOONING BAYS . '...„ -. ; ' /':
Your spooning days are over.
. _-.-""
Your pilot light is outf - :-„
What used to be your sex~: appeal ;.-/.'.,:-'.. .- : . . . - .. .
Is now your water spout. !" v.. . .t\ ..; . ".,".. ../
You used to be embarrased
"".... .... .. "..-.:..■
-Z- ■.--".' — ?
To make the thing behave, " -.-.-,' ..- -,..'.,-'
For every blooming morning . . _ ' ,.,. -.,, ^ .,_...'...: .
It would stand up" and watch you shave. "..." ,, '/ ,. _, ;. .. .. ... \
But now you are growing old,
It sure gives you the blues,
_ r
_,..
.: : .-■_».-..
Jo . see/the .thing hang'down your^leg
' . "^ r"-. . ". ".
\/-- . :f
"And watch you shine your,shoes. ^;.t ...■ - .. _ jr,;-j ._- :% ,:.
". ;. : .".,-
"". "-' \; '""' :-"r-' :~ '"' ." ^ -. . .;.. .!."..'i.'.'"' . "-. /-I ','c '
Some girls are. like'a zipper nightie -r<.: just ^pull'^o^e".tiling ,
- and it's all off. .
-..32 -
PEffB '"THET PIDDLING" PUP
A farmerfs dog once oame to town.
His Christain name was Ee~te. .... ;.- -'-.-. -.-.-
His pedigree was two miles long .... - - . .--
,."■.■ AM his looks were hard to'beats--. _ \:. -. ^ . :
And as he trotted down the road r.-~9-':
TTwas beautiful to see ■..'.-.:'.-.. - _ - -
His; work on every corner,
. '- .
His work on" every. tree. " " , ..
He watered every gateway, ;
. .- ,
He never missed a post,
. ;
For piddling was his masterpiece
And piddling was his boast. ^ ....-.■.
The city dogs stood looking'on - ,"
■ -
In deep and jealous rage
To see a simple country dog -
The piddler of his age.
.. .. " .' ■ .
Then all the dogs from far and wide. ....;..
Were summoned with a yell,
"To sniff this' country stranger off.
. And judge him by his smell,
'
:
They sniffed beneath his stumpy tail,
Their praise of him ran high.
And when one sniffed him uh&erne&t-h,-'.....-^fr ."'""■ ■■.".
Pete piddled in his eye.
v. ..
They smelled him all over,-.one by one, . _ .;
They smelled him two by two,
And noble Pete in high disdain
.-.,..
Stood till they were through,
Then Pete, to show the city dogs
He didn't care a damn, ,. ... . , .. ;.
Yfelked right into a grocer!s shop
And piddled on a ham,
He piddled on the onions,
.'
He piddled on the floor,
... ,!.
And when the grocer kicked him out. .. r-
He piddled on the door.
Behind him all the city dogs
Decided what they'd do —
They1 d-.start.-a piddling carnival.-; ..'..■,. ■.
To see the stranger through-, ', . . ... ... ,. ..
- 33 -
PETE THE PIDDLING PUP (ContQ
They!d show him all the piddling posts
They knew around the town.
They started off with many winks,
To wear the stranger down,
They called the champion piddlere,
Who were always on the go,
And sometimes held a piddling corn,,
Or had a piddling show,
They sprang this on him suddenly.
When halfway through the town,
But Pete just piddled on and on,
And wore the champions down,
For Pete was with them every trick,
With vigour and with vim,
A thousand piddles more or less, -
Were all the same to hinu
So he was kicking merrily,
With hind leg kicking high,
When most were lifting legs in bluff
. And piddling mighty dry,
On and on, Pete sought new grounds
On which to lay the dust, .
Until-every other dog went dry,
And gave up ,in disgust. -\ ;
But on and on went noble. Pete,
To wate.r every sandhill,.
Tillaall the city chamions
Were piddled to a standstill,
Then Pete an exhibition gave,
Of all the ways to piddle,
Like 'Double tripT and 'Family flip1;'
;And now and then a ! Dribble ',
: And all the time the country dog "
.Did..neither wink nor grin, -
-,
.
' But ..piddled blithly out of town-"
- : As he had piddled in. ."'"'.- -." ''■ -
The city dogs -said, t!So.long, friend,
.Your piddling will defeat us."
But'no-one every put them wise
That Pete had diabetes,
. -.-- .. . .