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FESTER
Printed and published "by the Society for the
Promotion of Immoral Impulses and the Stamp
Out Virgins Society, at their unregistered
office, _ ' - _ ...-vr'-, New Zealand.
New and revised Edition 1967*
Copyright S. P. I.'l. and "S. 0. V. S. 1967.
Printed in New Zealand,
Abdul and Ivan .....,.,,„,.,,,.,,«..,.«.*,....., 7
Alouottc a la Waiouru. ,...........,,,,..,,,...,.15
All tho G-irlios like a 6andlc. ................. .63
Alphabet Song................,,..,...........,.32
Army Latrines ..................................10
Ball of liCorrymoor. . . . . . .......... 13
v Balls of O'Lcary ......... ..... . .61
Barnacle Bill . ......... ...... .8
B'c Pure ,.,,..,......,,...., 58.
Bicycle Built for Two i ............ 50
Blinded By Turds ......... ^......67
Breezes, The . , ... . ..... , ..... .32
Bride's Confession...............36
Brighter Cricket..................11
British Grenadiers ',. H ........ i! . ii .42
Buggared . .....'..»,.....,♦. . .42. *
Caralina, The Cowpunchcr!s Vlhore ~, ...... .53. ■
Charlotte The BTariot . ■, ■;, .*'»..■..,«. *( _ 54
Charlotto The Harlot (Virgin 2) ..,...,. .63 :
Charlotte Tho Harlot Lay Dying. ........ [, .54
The Chinese Maiden ,...„,.*..-."..'. .45
; Clean Song....................55
; Colonel Bogey.................. ^28
; . Commercial Advertising ,..,, = .. = ... .21_
"..'-Craven A....... . ...'....••.. .h'j
':';'< Daniel ....-.;...*.....-......56
/-: Das Virginity G-or-fuclcen „■..,,..."... .29
:;;/\;Dognottcrs Strottors Ball '......'.'... .62
</;" ^Digging Up Father's Grave ............4
. V;l)r.unk Last Night .,..,. = ..., . '. ... .11
:^ ;;V;:; Engineer's Song ,.,,,,, , ,,.....* 17
;::^;fxEskimo Nell ... ..,....» ^ ..... .1
c<:;;;;|;;Flshorman ^.....» , . * „ ....... .50
";:>;%Foggy Foggy Dew ,,..., »*,..... . "S^
•-•;^\?Frigging In the Rigging ^ ..... «.....1o
;vV;i;;Goliath . . , . . '». . , . , , . . . . _« '. . . .56
y/V^Gi^andfather's goclx ,,.*,..,. J i ... . >32
•-.d^/Breat Big Wheel .... . , ; , . . . . . . . .6?
■■;t--;'XQtr- ogging On ... ^ ............. «51
;;?;g::^arlot Of Jerusalem Virgin One ......... .49
■\y^:<t^ '' Virgin i;wo ........ .50
•-?>."—; Virgin Three ....... .51
;;4v;y:'.'\. Virgin Four, ....... .64
y/.'.'Highland Lassie, j ..,...<.. ......64
;:v/;in:Days Of Old.................68
^iHFut Hy Hand In Ily Pocket ,.„,..,... .59
. ,...'John -Pool....................9 *
•:.;.Just A Boy.......,.-.,....... .43
• '-• .-Koy-holo In Tho Door e « . . ........-64
''■ Last' Eight I Felt Tho Pangs Of Low Desire . . ..53
'•-Life Presents A Dismal Picture, . J ..... • 35
Lii; ..........3 ............ .17
.Liquor And. Long Life ... 4 ',..,»•.*. .12
. Little Angclino. , , . . . , .,.,...... .52
Loverly. ...... . . ; ... . ........... .62
Loves Alphabet ,-.,..,......_«... .66
Mademoiselle From Amcntlcros t .........61
Marrying Kind ............. . . . . ... .65
Mobile..... .... ..,.<..'.........5
The Mont' .' .*-'.• ........ . ...... .10
The MonF Of Priory Hall ........... .'40
The Honkcy And The Alligator ......... *'■ 31
Moorland licg................ . .57
Municipal. Dunny Cart . „.♦...'*.*.'.. '«8
Nellie Darling . . '. ....... - ....... 63
Hover Root ...... I «„<,.. * 0 . '. . . .35
No Balls At All ... ..-..........*. • -58
Old'Apple Tree ........ r ..'..* • .56
Old King Cole 60
O'Reilly's Daughter ....... ....... IS
Tho Passengers 08
II
The Penis KLghtlor Than The Sword 65
Pete The Piddling Pete ........ 44
Pud With Ho Beer 62
Ramoha ..............60
Ring The Coll Verier . . 28
Ringy Dang Doo....... . 18
Road To The Isles 60
Rol Ko Over In The Clover.....* . '22
Roto Mario 12
Saaari Sal.......... . 46
Sco The Little Angels 12
Scxiatus IJania ........... 59
Shares In The Vary Best Companies , ... 22
She Was Pure But She Was Honest......15
Shield Of Araooo 59
Tho Shithouso Blues.........53
Show 3iio tho Way To G-o Plomo 51
Sing A Song Of Syphi] .us . . . .41
A Soldier- I Will Bo ........12
Tho Soldier's Dream 4-2
Sunstroke Syphilus and'Varicose Veins . , ..57
Toll Us Another ■ 23
Tinker's Song .... . . . . ,41
Two 73old G-enarmos .... 41
The Village Ilaidon 53
Violate Ho . . . . . , .. 8. . 6&
Way Down In Tho Valley . . . ,» .65
Wo Arc Tho Snginoors 55
The Wild West Show . . . . . .. ,19
Tho Woodpecker's Hole 40
Your Spooning Da;/' s................ .........*...* *45
I
■ ' ESKIMO NBLL
Gather round all ynu wnnr-ey
Gather round and hear1 this storey.
When a man grows old, and his balls go cold,
And'the tip of his prick turns.nlue;
And itcbsdds in the middle like ah old string fiddle
He can . tell you a'th.^ag'^-.r. two.
So pull up a chair, and buy me a drink,
And a tale to'you I'll tell
Of dead-eye-'. Dick and Mexican Pete,,
And a harlot called Eskimo Nell.
""hen Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
Go forth in search of fun
It's Dead-eye.. Diok that slings the prick
And Mexican Pete the gun.
'"'hen Dead-eye'i Dick and Mexicaa Pete
Are sore? depressed and sadf
It's always the cunt that bears the brunt1
But the shooting ain*t so bad.
Now Doa.d-eye.'. Dick and Mexican Pete
Lived dOfrn by Dead Ma^s Creek,
And such wee their luck they hadn't a fuck
For well nigh on a weekP
Except a moose or two?
And a caribou and a bison cow or so.
And as Deed-eye 1 Dick ms a great king-prick
He found things fueling elow„
So Dead-eye-L Dick and Mexican Fete
Set fortJV-ifor the Rio Grande.
Dead-eye Dick ..ithMhis Jtn^gBty prick
And Pete/with gun in hand.
As they Mazed their noisy trail
. No-n^nn in their path withstood
And many a !iridep her husband Ts pri&erf
A pregnant widow s'sood,
They reached the banks of the Rio Grand?.
At* "tho heic^&of-a blazing noon. .
And to slake their thirst, and do their worst,
They sought Red Mikes saloon.
And as they pushed the great doors wide
Both prick and gun flashed free*
Avoid the sex you bleeding wrecks
You'll drink or you'll fuck with me.
They'knew this trick *f Deed-eye Dick
i From the Maino "io j?an.a::.i&.
And with scarcely worse than a muttered curse
Those dagos sought the bar.
The girls knew too his playfull ways
Down at the Rio.Grande,
And forty whores pulled down .their drawers
At Dead-eye Dick1s command.
They saw the fingers of Mexican Pete'
I&dh-on the trigger grip,
a And they didn't wait but at a fearful rate
Those "whores began' to strip.
Now Dead-eye Dick was breathing quick,
With lecherous snorts a'od grunts.
So forty arses' were bared to view,'
And'likewise forty cunts,
Now forty-arses and forty cunts,
If you'can use your wits,
And if ■ you're slick at -arithmetic,
Makes 'exactly eighty tits.
2
^ow eighty tits is sm gladsome sight,
*o s man with a mighty stand,,
It might seem rare on Berkley Square', ■"■'
But it's not or-*ho Rio Grande,.
Now Dead-eye'Dick'had fucked a' few
9n the last preceding night,_
' /'This "he had done Just to' show his 'fun,
And to whet ■his'&r,r>o"fc3.tG.
His phalliti limb Vvss in fucking trim?
As he -backed'and took arun„
He made a dash to the nearest tart,
And ecored'a hole in one. ;
He bore her to the' sandy floor,
And there he ; fucked her fine0
And though she grinned,' ' ".
It pmt the wind up the 'other thirty-nine..
when Dead-eye Dick'lets loose his.prick,
He's got n6!ftt'ime to spare, ' .
For speed and strength coiiiii'.Qd uxtli lentil
He1 'fairly singes hair,
He made a dart at the n'e^t spare tart,
When into that harlots hell
There strode a 'maid who was ne! er afraid,' ' ■
• Her name? It was Eskimo Nelli
By this time Dick had got his prick,
Well into number tyrOe.
When Eskimo Nell let out a yell.
''" -She'bawled to him ,fHey You£ "
He gave a flick r,f his muscular prick,
And the girl .flew over his head.
And he wheeled about with an angry shout,
with his face and knob all red;,
She glanced .our hero up and' Aown,
His looks she seemed to ;decrie„
She looked with 'scorn at his mighty horn,".
"which rose from'his'hairy 'thighs/
She blew the smoke from her cigarette,
Sight over that steaming knob,
And'so -dead beat was M'ey'ican PeteP
That he failed to do his' j.ob.
,. •■....
'Twas Eskimo N'ell who br oke the spell,-
In accents' clear and co'ol^
Youcunt st.ru'c'k simp' of a 'yankee pimp,
you call that thing a tool?" '
If this* hor'e -tov/ri-'can't rake that1 down,
She sneered to those cowering .whores,
Here' g ''one little' fe'iftit that cen"':do the stunt,
Here' s Eskimo Nell for yoursE '*'
She stripped her'garments one by one, ' ''
with an air of* conscious pride, * -
And as she stood u.n her wamenhood,
They 'sew'^he'-'great divide,, ■ •
She seated herself-on a tabletop,
where someone h'ad-.left his glass.-
-wit!-> a twitch of-her tits she crushed'it ;to ttite
-'B'etwee'n "the' cheeks of her^arse*,-
She flexed her 'knees" with"" supple ease", " -"
and spread her legs apartc
With -a ' 'friendly nod to the rangy sod5 ■
She gave 'hi'm' the cue to start-/ ! ■'
But Dead-eye Dick knew' a thing or' two,
He meent to take his ' time- "■'
' ' '";.
A girl like -this was; .fucking bliss, ' ' ' ._
po he played the pantomime>■ ' ■
He fie-ed his foreskin to and fro,
And made his balls inflate?
Until . they .looked like a couple of granite globes
On top of a garden gate*
He worked his anus in and out,
His balls increased in size*
His mighty prick grew twice as thick,
'fill. 3 t nearly matched his tl:ighsB
He polished it up with alcohol,* :" ir-C.: it
And made it steaming hota
To finish the job he sprinkled the knob.
'i'ith a C.:, yenne pepper pot.,
Then he did not take a run,
He did not take a leap,
He did not stoop, but took a swoop,
And a steady forward creep™
With piercing eye he took a sight,, 3 bt
Along his mighty tool.
The steady grin as he pushed it in
"'as calculatingly cool,
Have you ever seen tfce pistons work
On a giant c.i\ R.
With a driving force c-f a thousand barse,
'"fell you know what pi stone aren
Or you think y;;.u dc;0! But you've yet tn lea^n
The ins and outs of the trick
Of the work thats done on a non stop ruB,
By a guy like Desd--eye Dicka
But "skimo Nell was no infidel.
As good as a whole harem.,
With the st?e';>gh of ten in her abd-fmer.,
And the rock of ages between*,
Amidships she c.uld t'ake a stream,
Like the flush of a water closet,
She gripped his cock like a Chatswood lock
On a National Safe Deposit,,
But Deadeye Dick could not cum quick,
Ileueant U conserve his powers-
If he;d a mind he'd grind and grind
For a couple of solid hours*
Nell Lay for a while with a subtle e-mile8
The grip of her cunt grew keener.
with a sigh she sucked him dry
With the ease of a vacuum cleaner.
And so my friends *e corrK to the end
Of copulation's classice
The effect on Diok was sudden and quick
Like an anae?thetic,
He fell to the .floor and knew no more,
His pasions extinct and dead.
He did not shout as his prick came out,
Though,.it surely stripped its thread.
Then Mexican Pete jumped to his feet
To avenge his pals affront.,
With a jarring jolt of his blue nosed .celt,
Rammed it up her cunt5
He rammed it up to the trigger grip
And fired it twice times threeE
But to his surprise she closed her eyes
And squealed in ecstacy,,
She jumped to her feet with a smiae sweet
"Bully" she said "for y,u"r
"I might have known that that would be thr i»#8t
You two poor cunts could do",
4
"When, next my friends' that "you intend"
■ •■ To sally forth for-fun
-■ \: - ;. ' Buy Bead-eye- Dick- a sugar stick
.. .And..yourself an elephant gun".
I'm going, .back to ■ the frozen north,-
"Where the pricks are hard and strong
Back to"the land of the frozen strand,
Whore the?nights are six months long
..... I:t;i3.as hard as tin'when they put. It,in,
In the land where--spunk is spunk," -' ■•
'Not.-a':trl'bkling stream of lukewarm cream, ■
-.But- a solid froz.cn chunk.. .
Back to the land where they understand
What It means to fornicate, * ■
.Whore oven the dead share a double-bed',
And the "babies Piasturbato-. ■•
Back to the1 land whore men are men,
Terra Bellic.ua
' And I'll spend a worthy-end,
For the Forth"Is calling ".Come","
So Dead-eye Dick and Lozican 'Pete, ■' .-■'•"■:
. Slunk out of tho Rio Grande, ' "
De£&r-eye Dick with a useless prick, ■ '■':'-
And Pete with -no gun in his hand.
"A-VERSS OF..APPRECIATION
When a man grows old, and his balls grow cold
And* the tip of his- prick turns blue n
And the hole in the middle refuses to piddle
I'd say he was fucked, wouldn't you?
.*•"'" —00O00—
DIGGING- UP FATHER'S GRAVE
They are digging up Father's grave,
Tjo*build a sewer,
And they're digging it up regardless of expenses
Now they'1 re digging up his remains,
To make way for shithousc drains,
To irrigate some moll's now residence.
COR BLIMEY
NoVj father all his'life was never a quitter,
And I don't suppose he'll be a quitter now,
For when'that John's complete,
He'll just hold that shithousc scat, '..
And he'll only let them shit when he'll, albw.
Cor Blimey
Now what's tho use of loving a religion;,
And 'to think that when.you're dead your troubles cease,
But if sone.Arts chap,
Wants apipolino for his crap,
He'll never lot tho old sod rest in peace.-'
,*;, . COR BLBiEY
But won't there be some constipationJ
And Won1%■ those shit bound.toffs begin to rage,
But they're getting what they deserve,
For having tho fucking nerve,
For fucking around with an eld Honest Workman's grave.
: "': COR BLIKEY
--000O000—
MOBILE "";
■ Oh the Parson is a bugger in Mobile
"- Ob the Parson is a bugger,in Mobile
Oh the* Parson is a bugger ;;
- And the Sex tor. is another ' :
■ So they bugger one another in Mobile, -
Ohorus:-
Sihglng I will if you n-ill sn will I
Singing I will if y«'u will so will I
■ - ■ ' singing- I will if you.will ..-.'■-'
,•"■*=. ■ - .-I -will if yru will .
- 'Singing I will if you will so'will I
©h the-eagles they.fly high in Mobile, etc
...One 'hit me in the eye
■ ■ It's good thing cows don't fly in MeO»ile.
TXere's a shortage of .good-whores in Mebile» et#
But there's keyholes in the doors,"
• ■; And there's knotholes in the floors In Mobile.
' Oh -tho girls wser tin pan -s is Mobile, etc *^r-
B'utL they take them off to dance,
So the bnys all get their chance in M»»ile.
The. girls all take precautions in Mobile, etc
And the doctors do abortions, - •
So^ the boys all get there poriiftns. in M»bileff
There's no paper in the "b^gs in Mebile, etc
S« tbey Wai-t-uwtil_.it clogs,
Then they eaw it eff in logs in Mobile.
There's a prostitute celled Dinah in M#Mle i etc
'Arid yrm'll find that when you grind, her,
That she's got tbe best vagina- in* Mobile.
There's a guy called Dirty Danny in M«bile, etc
He can't ke=p off the fanny,
. So he gets it from his granny in Mobile,
There's a queer by name of Hunt in Mofeile, etc
He thinks he's got a cunt,
But his arsehole1? back to front in M»'«ilee
It's a trick of the working classes ±9 Mo&il®» et®
When they've fisis-hed with their glasses,
.They stuff 'em up their- arses in Mobile,
©h the old browB cow is dead ia Mobile, etc
But the children must be fed,
S« they milk the fcull instead in M«bile,
If you ever go t* jail in Mobile, etc
And you want 9 piece of tail,
^ell, the sheriffs wife's for sale in Mobile,' '""'
The parson has a .daughter in Mobile, etc
And I sought: her,, c&ught he'r, taught her,
Now I cannot pass Tvater in 'Mobile.
Oh the Vicar is perverted in Mobile, etc
And his morals are inverted,
But there's thousands he's c»nverted in Mobile*
prenchies are in short supply in Mobile, etc
;" .And that's the reason why,
You'll see them hanging »ut t® dry i» Mobile,
'6
There's, a bastapd; called ,,Mercater ia Mobile, etc
Who's the, greatest' masterbator-i
Forn'icater, cunf.'inflatpr in Mobile.
Oh the virginsthey are rare in Mobile, etc
Vfhen* ther'get their pubic hair,- - - '
The;rV3'&eflowere& by the Mayor in- Mobile.
;. '-TfoerVa a gkl with .-no''i ambit ions in'Mobile, etc
; -She gets "it in-the kitchen,
From- the local obstetrician, in-.Mobile.
. I Gentlemen of the drinking classes in Mobile, etc ■
When you've finished with ycu 're- -glas-sfes,
■ -.."A You cSn shove them up 'you? ' arsas '.n Mobile.
_ i *. , ^. * •■ ■
.• M^fere^'s a bloke by name of, Eeith in Mobile, etc
You can tell hi-ra by the ' wreath, , ■■;,
, ■; ':»"'$£" pubic hairs around his te/th. in-Mobile. "-'"
i ' " " There's a singer name of..--Wordy in "Mobile, etc
'His songs fare rather-, ba^dy,
But 'he's, hauling in, the bawbees'" in Mobile.
'""' Tnere's a £uy by name of iShand in'^'Mobile,. etc /
He plays'with his, gland, " ';
.."■_. And. strops it with his hand in Mobile.
,>■**.- .
-:•"*"" ""There is a lass .c.alled Mabel in 'Mobile, :e --_
-.- She doe»c Fhat she is, able,*. * .....
Up' upon the. council table in Mobile.
Thare's' a man by name.of. .atts in .Mobile.,, etc
-.-Hpgplays with .all the t-wots, .-
flf all the. local mots in Mobile.
-\ * * ■
"TKerdiS a guy by name of Tim in Mobile, etc
-, .■ , He 'fe ahoved up with vim,
-Upever& bloody quim in Mobile.
There's a guy by name of Joe in Mobile, etc
He uses his big toe.,.
nenever he takes a pro in Mobile.
--ooO-oo-- ^
'-* .-• FOGGY FOGGY DJ'.'f
'' ""~ "" $
Ones I was a.bachelor, I lived'-all alone,_
.I»worked*at"the .weavers' trade, " w
.And the only, only thing "that I ever did wrong,
• . - Was, to'' #00 "a fair young maid;
I wooed her in. the • wintertime g.nd in the^'-sunner too,
And the only thing tkat I :ev.er did. wrcn'g,
sWas vto, keep, her- from the'foggy foggy dew. _
One night sh£.-c^:me t'o my' bedside,
IJhe'n I *lay: fast asleep,
She laid her h^ad-upon my breast, and she began to weer
She sighed, she cried, she .damn near died,
Ah, me.' ^"hat- could I do?
So I'Dulled her.into.bed and covered up-hex head,
Just to keep hser from' the foggy fog^y dew.
Now .1 am a bachelor,' I live with my son, _ •'-'
Te work at the weavers' trade; '■ . -
And ..every time*that»I' $ook into his eyes,
•He reminds me of the fair young maid.
He reminds me of the winter time and of the summer tof
And the many, many times that I held her in my arms,
Just to keep her from the foggy foggy dew.
--00O00--
/
The harems of Hgypt a-r-o. fair to behold, ;-:'
Tfcre harlots the fairest of fair9
The best of them oil was owned by a sheik,
Was .Abdul a Balbul <\m::.r.
Now, Abdul .-a Bulbul s'vid-'thirty odd wives*
Each renowned for- th.. si#e of her twot.
And once every dayp so the legends do sgy,
He religiously fucked the whole lot0
A travelling brothel came down from the North*
T!was privately run by the Tsar,
who wagered a thousand that none could out-root
Count Ivan pkavinsky Pkavar,-,
Abdul came in with a snatch at his side,
His balls hanging low with desire,
And he did brag how he could outshag
Count Ivan sksvinpky skavar,.
A date was arranged for the spectacle great,
A holiday proclaimed by the Tear*
And the streets i<,ere all lined with the harlots assigned
To Ivan Pkavinsky skavar0
The-cuii''s v- re i, ' t.or.".GiJi go . frenchieB"w ;■-
■}nd that suitgou/uVUl '->y far?
And the Caliph who knew had a quick bet or two,
On Abdul a Bulbul |i;ir„
They met on the track with their tools hanging slack,
The starters gun ehat^ered the air,
All gasped with su-pr.:ee for so quick was the ripe
was Abdul a Bulb;-1 Amir.
They came at a run with ".l.^-old muttfbn gun,
The foreskins came back wi"th a ;jar,
It was easy to pick Ivan's bulbous old prick
ptand out from his crutch like a baru
They \fucked all that night neath the pale yellow light,
And Abduls bum revved like a car.
But he hadn't a hope against the long even stroke
Of Ivan pkavinsky pka"ear<,
!3re came the morn they still had the horn,
Their bums bouncing high; in the air.
There was squelching of'cum and the hum of the bum®
And the cries of the Sultan and Tsar.
When ivan had won and was cleaning hi? gun,
H.e bent down to po!"5 r.h his pair.
When something red hot up his great passage shot',
Twas Abdul a Burlbul 4r.]ir«
The women turned green and the men shouted "^us^n-1
They were ordered apart by 'the Tsar.
It was blocdy bad luck because Abdul was stuck
Up Ivan Skavinsky ska7ar*
Ho., ivan sat vainly trying to shit
Through the eye of 'the cock up his arse.
Though he grunted and s'GraJned-, it was all quite inrsin,
Not a single hot turd could he pass.
The cream of the joke., it came when they broke,
And was laughrd at for years by the Tsar.
For Abdul poor fool? hod left half his tool,
Up Ivan skavinsky skavar*
3
Now Abdul he died , the next afternoon*
And he said with his last dying breath;
"I've fought'-- and been beaten* but paved Egypt's name,
Bsc-bumming Skavinsky to death".
Let this be a lesson to all you young mens
Who think that your cocks have hb'peeK
Be cautious and wipe or you'11.-end up balf-sise*
Like Abdul a Bulbul Amir.
-------00O00------
BABNACLE BILL
Who's that knock-ing at my door
•■Who's that knocking at my door
who's that knocking at my door
Cried the fair young maiden.
Oh it's only me from across the sea
Cried Barnacle Bill the sailer....
I'm young enough and ready and tough
Cried Barnacle Bill the sailor.
You can sleep on the floor (3)
Cried.the.fair young maiden.
tOh get off the floor yau dirty old whore
Cried Barnacle Bill-...etc.
You can sleep on the mat (3)
Cried the fair young maiden.
**■ Oh bugger the mat you can't fuck that
Cried Barnacle Bill....etc.
"■You can sleep on stairs (^)
Cried the fair young maiden.
- 'Oh bugger the stairs they havn't got'"hairs
Cried Barnacle Bill....etc.
You can sleep between my tits (3)
Cried the fair young maiden.
Oh ' bugger your tits they give me the shits
Cried Barnacle Bill....etc „
You can sleep between my thighs (?)
Cried the fair young maiden,
Oh .bugger your thighs they're covered in flies
Gried Barnacle Bill.... etc.
What will we do when the baby's born (3)
Cried the fair young maiden.
' Oh we'll drown the bugger and fuck for another
Cried Barnacle Bill.... etc.,
-:—00O00------
MUNICIPAL nJKHY CART
The municipal dunny cart was loaded to the brim
The municipal dunny man fell in and could not swim
And as he was a-sinl:I;ng, a-sinking like a stone
' ■ He heard the maggots crying out "There's no place like he
Urrr-iiine, Yippee-i-ooos nightmen in'thd sky.
They fished him outs it was to late, the maggots did the
W03
They left him on the roadside for the passersby to jesk.
The moral of this story then, if you,.should shovel sh:
Don't throw yourself into your- work-feu?' you may drown in
-------00O00------
9
JOHN PEEL OR GATS ON THE ROOFTOPS
"Do you icon John Pool?" Yes I know the .bugger well
With "a head on his hammer like the Inchcape.Bell,
Nine inches on the slacks twelve inches on the swell,
As he revels in the joys of copulation.
Cats on the rooftops, cats on the tiles,
Cats with syphilis, gonorrhea and piles,
Cats with their arsoholes all wroathod in smiles,'
As they revel in the joys of copulation,
The zebra, he's well known to some,
Ho's mostly horse and rather dumb
And a surprising fact is that he has striped cum,
As he revels in the joys of copulation,
The rhinocerous, or so it seems,
Hardly ever has wet dreams,
But when he does, he cums in streams,
As lie revels in the joys of fornication.
The elephant is a funny bloke,
He very rs.rely gets a poke,
.But when he does, he lets it soak,
As he revels...
Now a funny old fish is the old sperm whale,
With a funny little diddle tucked under his tail,
And he rides his missus in the teeth of a gale,
As he revels ...
Oh the sergeant-major leads a solitary life,
And he hasn't got a woman, and he hasn't got a.wife,
So he satisfies himself on the regimental fife,
As he revels...
The poor domestic doggie on the chain all day,'
Never gets a chance to let himself go gay,'
So he licks at his dick in a frantic way,
As he revels in the joys of masturbation.
The owls in the trees, the cats on the tiles,
One fucks in solitude, the other fucks in files,
You can hear the happy howls and the shrieks for miles,
As they revel...
Nov/ I met a girl and she was a dear, ■
But she gave a dose of gonorrhea:
Fools rush in where angels foar ,.
As I rovcll-xl in the- joys.....
Do you ken John Peel with his cock in a sling*
And his two brass balls going ting-a-ling-a-ling,"
He's lying in the grass with a carrot up his arse
And he won't take it out till the Morning.
If you wake up in the morning with your penis in your
hand,
And you've got a funny feeling in your seminary gland,
If you haven't got a woman, what's the matter with your
In the dark early hours of the morning, ( hand
When you wake up in the morning with thoughts of
sexual joy
And your wife has got the monthlies and your daughter
says she's coy,
Just rip it up the rectum of your second oldest boy,
And you revel......
—oOo—
10
ARMY LATRINES
My job is to clean the army latrines,
I'M the .man with, the plan for the pan that everyone uses
The paper's O.K. cr- "both sides the news is.
So you can read while in my latrine.
We scrub 'it all night, we scrub it all 'day,
I keep:it the way, the way you'd expect it;
And when it gets high I just disinfect it,
And everything's clean in my latrine.
I scrub it again at four in the morning,
My'cobbers join in, we polish the chain?
And then we are scrubbing away forever,
And wondering if ever we'll get out that, stain.
What motions divine- what raptures I've seen
But along comes a crowd to destroy the work I've created
They just let it "fly, don't care where they place it;
You see what I mean'in ay.latrine.
If a man is a freak and must leak like a creak, let him
pay
I've placed pots for the clots who take shots in every
direction,
I've sandpapered each face so each base can establish
connection
But it all goes in my latrine.
No they won't keep it clean, that bloody latrine,
. Though the seats are all neat and complete underneath
wooden ledges,
But they still get it wet like an artist's pallette
round the edges.
But I stand aloof - they can't hit the roof,
That's the one place that's clean, in my latrine.
—00OOO00—
THE i»K
There was a,, monk of great renown,
There was a monk of great renown,(2x)
He fucked all the harlots around the-town, (2x)
CHORUS: Thoold bastard. The old sod,
What will we do with him?
Puck him,
Let us spray-
Glory Glory Allelujah— shit.
Balls to Mr Winklestein,Winklestein,Winklestein,
Balls to Mr Winklestein,. dirty old man
For he keeps us waiting while he's masturbating
So balls to Mr Winklestein, dirty old man.
. He upsem, he downs em,
He fucks em, he drown'sem
So balls to Mr Winklestein, dirty old man.
The monk stood in the priory hall, (3)
He fucked a nun against a wall. . (2)
The other -monks.looked up in shame, (3)
And wished that they could do the same. (2)
There came a maicl ■with.downcast eyes, (3)
They bashed it in between her thighs. (2;
They buried her beneath the grass, (3)
Then dug her up and fucked her arse. (2)
ER^R-VER 0RaOKJT
An interesting match too;: place hero today, when
tho Hon. John STOrhard "brought over a team of Old
Bastardians-to moot a team of society ladies captained
by llrs . Wcarwcll. '
The proccdings wore to be augmented by various
lotteries, but the Chief Umpire ordered drawers off.
After tossing was done with, it was soon that tho
men wore going in first, so tho ladies assumed their
positions on the ground, Tho ladies' captain, however
was in slips and that made it hard to force matters.
Kr. Iiardon succeded at last, cutting and pulling
steadily. He and Mr, Cox put up a fine stand. Unfortun-
ately when trying to pull to square leg llr". Cox missed
his stroke completely and out came his middle wickets
Mr, Woodcock followed and was at the crease for
twenty minutes displaying great patience. Then there
was a sharp appeal from hiss Conduct and the umpire's
finger went up. Some slackness was seen in the field
when Miss Carriage dropped a sitter in front of the
pavilion and Miss Wantaoock got her hand on a hard one
but failed to hold it >
llrs. R. Savatit drew frequent applause Toj showing
her ability behind the sticks, but in trying to take
a short one she turned a complete somersault.;.
The men ware all out by lunch and on resuming it
was noticed that A. Testicle had been dropped and not
suspended as was rumoured. Lord Foughskin was in his
usual place at ccvorpoint, and the first ladies,Phyl
Chambers and Prop-vl, Trppor opened with great vigour.
Cox was tried and he Iiept a beautiful length, but his
balls were incj/. iv?d. to bump too much to the discomfort
of the ladies„
Little Miss V-"go Intacta was cheered loudly when
she faced John SY^rhard, but the wily; ■ John put up a
long one that appeared to break in her crease and there
was an ominous click and d groan was heard as she was
sent back to the Pavillion*
Although he was keeping his balls low,' Hiss Ophelia
Tits felt for one and hooked it to the delight of the
croud.
There was some faulty judgement when I'liss Philpott
shouted "I'm oomming, IT and there were cries of "No:f and
"Wait" and in her exeitment she started to run, and was
run out. "Mike Hunt was too quick for uo,''' she said
later. Hiss Ilyamroady faced the onslaught, but was
over anxious and put her leg in front of a straight one
and had no time to open out, as she so.id af terwards.
The match v/a^ a draw and the President, Lady
Cumwoll said sluo ■ ould like a return match with the
ladies on top no; t time,
.....coOoo—
DRURZ LAb " J_»\(>HT >-
Drunk last night, drunk the night before,
Going to got drunx tonight like wo never got drunk before
Here wo are as happy as wo can bo,
'cause wo arc the boys of the varsity.
G-lorious, vi o tori .us,
One keg of boor for the four of us,
Thank G-od there a.:o no ^ca ^ of us,
'Cause one of us gou7l~. drink tho bloody lot,
(Without hj s pants on)
'Cause one of us could drink the bloody lot
(Roll over Habclr
Your navel's on tho other side.)
See the little angels ascend up, ascend up
.See the little angels o.scend up on high.
Which end up arse end up
Which end up arse end up
See the little angels ascend up on high',
—00O00--
Arse\olo, arso:'.plo, A soldier I villi "be*
To piss'j to piss., Two pistols "by my side
Up a cuntp up a cunt. Up a country lane I go.
-Fuck. you; Fuck you, For curiosity.
* . —00O00—
ROTO .MARIO
-' There once was a gay caballoro
An exceedingly gay caballcro
And of course ho had a Roto Marie
Ro- Roto, Mario
He went to a low down casino
An exceedingly low down casino
And of course he took his Roto Marie
Ro- Roto Ilario
Ke met there a gay senorita
An exceedingly gay senorita
And of course he used is Roto Marie
Ro- Roto Mario
He caught there a nasty disease
An exceedingly; nasty'disease
Right on-the tip of his Roto Marie, Ro- Roto Mario
So lie went to a learned doctoro
An exceedingly learned doctoro
Who' cut off the tip of his Roto Marie, Ro- Roto Mario.
Nov: he sits on the bank of the Rio?
The exceedingly fast flowing Rio
And nu,rses the tip of his Roto Marie
Ro- Roto Mario
So beware all you gay calhalleros,
You excedingl;;1 gay-caballeros
If you don't want the pox put socks on -your cocks
Ro- Roto Iiario.
—00O00—
LIQUOR and L011& LIFE
The horse and mule live thirty years,
And nothing knows of wines and beers.
The goat and sheep at twenty die
And never a taste of Scotch or Rye,
The cow drinks water bj the ton
At eighteen years her life is done.
The dog at fifteen cashes in
Without the air of ruiii or gin
The cat in milk and water soaks
Then in twelve short years it croaks.
The uiodest sober bono dry hen
Lays eggs for nogs and dies at ten
All animals arc strictly dry;
They sinless live,; and. quickly die,
But sinful, skinful, ruusoakod men
Survive for three score years and ton,
And some of thera^ though very few
Stay pickled till they are ninety-two.
—00O00—
13
■ ' £3i^iiOJLJyRRTOpR_ , ''
Have y0U heard of the ball., the hall of Kerrymoor,
Shere four and twenty virgins, were lying on th-e floor,
Chorus (No. 1.}.
Singing, "She'll do me this time, who'll do me now,
The one who did me last time must have used a plough.
First lady forward, second.'lady bapk,
Third lady's finger up the fourth lady's crack.
Chorus. ( Alternative)
Singing, "Balls to your partner, arse against the wall,
If you've, never been shagged on a Saturday night
You've never been shagged at all.
There was fucking in the hallways and fucking in the ricks,
Tou couldn't hear the music for the swishing o' the pricks.
Qandy McPhers-on he came along, it T>-as a bloody shame,
Re fucked a lassie forty times, and would'na take her
hame.
The Parsons daughter she fas there, the cunning little
runt,
ffith poison ivy up her arse, and thiatle up her cunt.
FQur.and twenty virgins came do^n from Inverness,
But after the ball '?as over there ^ere four and twenty
less.
The undertaker he was- -there, enveloned in a shroud,
Swinging from the chandelier, and pissing on the crord, ~"-~
The village idiot he was there, sitting on a pole,
He pulled his foreskin over his he ad,. and whistled
through the hole':
Mrs. 01 Mai ley she '"as there, she had the. crcrd in fits,
Diving off the mantelpiece, and bouncing off her tits.
The bride was in the kitchen, explaining to the ^room,
That the vagina, not the rectum, p-is the entrance to
the Tomb.
The village magician he "as there, up to his favourite
trick,
Pulling his foreskin over his head and vanishing up
his prick*
The village smithy he mas there, sitting by the fire,
Doing abortions by the score with a lump of red-hot ^ire.-
Not? Parmer G-iles he mas there, his sickle in his hand,
And every time he s^ung around he circumcised the band.
-The Vicar's "ifeshe ^as there, back against the wall,
"Put your money on the table boys, I'm fit to do you all-
,. The Vicar and. his wife"were .having lots of fun,
■The Parson had his finger up other ladies bums,,
THere uas fucking on the highway & fucking in the lanes
; ....And.you couldn't hear the music for the rattling of
the stones.-......"" "" —' ■ ■......■■-■*> +
. THe village doctor' he'^as'-fchere';" he' h/ad/ hisTbag of tricks
";A-hd in. hetvr&en the^dances, he^.as sterilizing oricks.
Ik'
■ - ' ■ ■ u .
Father O'Flanagan ,he yi& there, and in the corner he
• sat,
Amusing himself by abusing himself, and catohing it
in his hat'. .-.-■.*.
Titere ^as fucking in the couches, there "*as fucking
in the cotsr " , " ■,
; And lying:;up -against the wall, ^ers rows of grinning
twots.
The village. pos.tman he •■■■a.s there, ha had a load of pox,
He couldna get a woman,' so he 'shagged a letter box.
Foroier.'^ro""n he w s there, a jumping 'on his hat,
Forhal~ .an. acre o? his corn ^a's fairly, fucking flat.
. .- ----._"—played a dirty trick, ,T-e canna let it pass,
He showed a lass his mighty r>rick taen shoved up h&r grse
t,■•■- = -------he; ^as there, ^ '\s drunk without a doubt
He tried to stuf" the parsons i^ife but. couldna get the root.
, .. —-h--.d an/even stroke, his skill vas much admired,
He gratified one cunt a-time until, his strengh expired.
_-_.-----Qh ^g -■ ig'there, and he ^as in despair,
He couldna get -penis through the tangle of hi3 nadir.
---------did his fucking oot upon the moor,'
It '".as, he thought, mu.ch nicer than fucking on the floor.
--------,_h.e \?as there, looking for a fuck,
iBut every cunt rras occupied, so he v*as out of luck.
-_._-----^hen he got there his prick '"as long and high,
But Fhen he'd' fucked her forty times he ^as fucking mighty
dry.
--•*—:—oh he ras there, his prick -"as long and broad,
And rhen he'd fucked the farmerte rife she had to be rebored.
__.__—he was there, his prick 'as all alert,
But -hen | .the night ras done 't^as dangling in the dirt.
The chimney .s;?eep he ,7as there, they. had. to thro*.;.', him out,
For every time he passed his wind the room "Jag filled *'ith
' , soot.
The doctors daughter she was t lere, she "ent to gather sticl
She couldp,a''find" a blade o" grass for balls and standing
. ■ pricks.
iittlS- U'inmy^ii;. ,- he" -as there, he had it in his mitt,
He had the inclination but he couldna make it snit.
The village "builder he was there, he brought his bag of
He poured cement in all the holes "-nd blunted tricks,
V-. '' half the pricks.
Haw little Tommy he.^'as the.re, but he '^as only eight,
He couldna root the women' so he had to masterbata.
Now Uncle .Wille he was there, the leader of the qhoir,
He bit the balls off all the, boys "to make their voices
higher.. .
, There \~asfucking in the" chandeliers, and fucking in the hall
And you Couldna he fir .$h'e. .bagpipes -for 'tho olin^Sng'o^-tie-■
,-..;■ -■■'.'■' . is."4 , ' ' balls.
Ehere was fucking in the hallways, there mas fucking on
2 the stairs,
You couldna see the carpet for the bums and curly hairs,
And "rhen the ball "'as over, they all went home to rest,
They all enjoyed the music, but fucking was the -best.
—00O00--
15
■i-f
SHE WAS - PURE BUT SHE WAS HONEST
She" was pure but she was honest
Victim of the squire's game;
. First he loved her; then he left her
And she lost her honest ne,me.
It's the same the whole world over,"
It's the poor that gets the blame
It's, the rich that live in clover
Ain't that a bleeding shame?
Then she ran away to London
For to hide her grief and shame
There she met another-- squire
And she lost name again
In the rich man's arms she flutters
Lilco a bird with brolion wing
First he loved her, then he loft her
And sho hasn't got a ring. •
See him in-Ms splendid mansion
Entertaining with the best
While the girl that ho has ruined
Entertains a sordid guost
See him in the House of Commons
Malcing laws to put down crime
While the victim of his passion
Trails her way through mud and slime
Standing on.tho bridge at midnight-
Sho says " Farewell, blighted love."
Then a scream, a splash, G-ood heavens
What is she a-doing of'
Then they dragged her from the river
Water from her clothes, they wrang
For they thought that she was drowned .
But the corpse got up and sang.
—00O00—
ALOUETTE a . la WAIOURU
Alouette gentille Alouette., Alouetteje te piumerai•
Je te piumerai le young soldier
I! II ii ■ II :i ii j
Young s,oldier......
Oh Alouette gentille Alouette, Alouette je te piumerai
Three .day pass
Big fat blond
Hotel room
Keg of beer
Double bed
Knoar. on ze door
House detective
.Two li.P. 's
Short arm inspection
Ze shot of penicillin
(Done with actions, this song is sliit hot.)
■r f
■■ I
16 S
FRIGG-BfG- TIT THE RI&G-ING [
The captain of the lugged he was a dirty bugger,
He wasn't fit to shovel shit from one ship to another.
Friggin' in the rigging, Tossin' on the crossing,
Warding on the planning; there, was fuck all else to do.
The captain's wife was x-Iabel. She did as she was able;
She gave the crew their daily screw across the messroom table
The captain had a daughter, she .fell into the water,
Delighted squeals announced that eels had found her sexual £.
The cook his name was Freeman, he was a sexual demonj
He fed the crew on menstrual stew & hymens fried in semen,
The wireless operator, he was a masturbator, ■
At every jolt he shot his bolt across the oscilator.
The first mate's name was McG-uire, he wasn't worth his hire,
If he wasn't ashore pushing a whore, he was ba,ck on board
pulling his wire.
abuse
The second mate was ^illy, by self made silly, ' (Picadilly.
His one desire was to pull Ms wire from the Cape to i
The third mate's name was* Morgan,he was a sexual gorgon, I
Three times a day he used to play upon his sexual organ.
The fourth mate's name was Derrit, a man of evil merit
Each time ashore he'd grab a whore and wg her like a ferret
The cabin boy young Kipper, a dirty little nipper, (skipper.
He stuffed his arse with broken glass & cicumcised the
The Bosun's name was Tucker, He was a thorough little fucker,
Behind the hairs', between the ears & end up in the sucker.
The chippy's nsJ&e was Paul , he only had one ball,
But with chat knacker he rolled tobacco round the cabin wall.
The gunner's- name was Andy, his balls were big.& bandy,
They filled his arse with molten brass for pissing in the
(brandy.
Another cook O'Malley, he didn't dilly dally,
He shot his bolt with such a jolt he whitewashed i the galley
The Bosun's mate was Lester, he was a hymen tester,
Through hymens thick he shoved his prick
And left it there to fester.
The engineer HcTavish, Young girls he did ravish^
His missing tool's at Istanbul, Pie was a trifle lavish.
A hoaio v/as the purser j he couldn't have been worser,
With all the crew he had a screw until they cried Oh no sir.
A crewman name of Merrit he had a monster derrick
He whipped ashore, grabbed a whore, by God he didn't spare it
Another one v/as Cropper Oh Christ he. had a whopper,
Twice round the deck & round his neck & up his bum for a
stopper'.
The ships dog's name was Rover-the crew all did. him; over,
They ground and ground that faithful hound from Hong Kong
round to Dover.
While stationed on the Canaries, we did the local faries;
Caught syphillus in Tenariffe, and pox in Buenos Aires.
'Twas on the good ship Venus; Zy G-ocl you should have seen us
The figurehead was a'vhoro in bod 'sucking a rampant penis.
Upon the China station we caused a great sensation
V/e sc.~n.lz a jurh in a sea of opunh by mutual masturbation
The end o£ this narration came in jubilation; ■
For the ship was sunl; in a sea of s-ounh • ......
There was fuo:: all else to 'do. . "_
-~oo0oo~- . .' ".
••>■■ < .'
LIL '■" ' " ■ " "■■
Lil was the.best, the h'est could produce.,
There vasii't- a'*'man "Lil couldn't" seduce,
'Twas a standing "bet around our town
That no man living- c6uld fuch Lil down.
'Till over the hills J beyond the creel;,
Came a sawn-off runt named'^Tnithouse Pete'.. ■
He laid it out on Murphy1 a- bars '
1*11 swear it streached from there to there. ..
The match was on, the;' arranged, to. meet
Down on the banhs of Shithouse Creel':,,
'•/here every man could t?dco his seat
And watch the hulfbred sinh his meat
. ■:':-^ . .' ■...-
To tahe bach bets was now too late
All hnew that Lil had net''her fate
Lil, she tried all hinds of-stunts '■•--.-
And trichs and ■ jumps :not hr.o'wn to'all-you common cunts
But PeteP lie rode her lihe a brich,
Reeling out yards and yards of pric;:, . : ' " "
Till through the tissues of her arse,
lie pinned her, screaming to the grass.-
Lil di'ed bravely, lil died well,
She had her boots 011 when she fell. - •• .
Though she's gone she's not forgotten
We dig her up and fuch her often.
And in vae~iory of this pluchy where?
Wc nailed her twot to the shithause doer.
--00O00—
THE ENC-ITER'S 50HG.
Xn engineer told me before he died
I don t know if the bastard lied , '.
He said that no matter how he tried,
His wife was never satisfied.
So he made him a tool of tempered steel
Powered by a nulley and a bloody great wheel
The two brass"balls he filled with cream ■• .
And the whole bloody Issue .was powered by -steam;. ■
Round and round went the bloody great wheel
In and out went the tool of steel,■' "' ' ■ '
'Til at last his poor wife cried, ---.*:.
Enough enough, I'm.satisfied. -
- Now this is the place of the bit- er bit,
There was no wav of. stopping it.
From cunt to arseholc' she was slit _ .
And the whole bloody.-issue was :covered-in shit.- i
_ ■ 7^-ooQ.oo— -
Times are hard., and wages are small
So drinl: more piss, 'and fuc& them. all.
.Standing J&jal^'j^2^iJ2.£i?'Z^%p
Drinking O'Reilly's rum j3nd~water
Suddehly a "tlfcu&hl" c^vol-tu L.^Ciead
Ttitotf® s#y_ l..ivp'i>^lilS'.-:-> d^ugirtettQ.
Chorus:
Idi-iyay, idl-iyo, idi-iyay for the one eyed
Re illy,
Rub it up, staff it, up, balls and all,
Zieg-a-zing-a-^ing tres 'ben,
So I up the stairs and into bed,
Into bed with o{Reillyls daughter,
Not a word the maiden said,
But she laughed like shit when the deed was over.
I fucked her till her tits were sore,
Filled her up with soapy water,
Sbe won't get away with that,
If she doesn't have twins then she bloody well orta.
2i.he.Erd a footstep on the stairs,
Tlfho'stiauJJl it be but cne eyed Reilly,
Two horse pistols in his hand,
Looking for the bugger who upped hip daughter.
Ilgrabbed^ 6'Reilly by the balls,
Shoved his head in a bucket of water,
Rammed those pistols up hip arse,
A bloody sight harder than I'd upped hip daughter.
As I go walking down the street,
People flock from every quarter,
Just to catch a glimpse r>f me,
The man who upped O'Reilly's daughter.
---00O00—
RINGY X^NG POO
0 she took me dov.n into the cellar, ~
And she told me I ■■-as a very fine feller,
0 she fed me- vane and whisky ' too,
And she placed my hand on the RINGY DANG POO.
Chorus:
0 the RING-Y DANG DOO, pray what 1p that,
With fur all round like a pu^sy.cat,
With a hole in the middle and pplit in two,
That's what they call the RINGY DANG DOO.
"Get out of here," her father- paid,
"Since you have lost your maidenhead,1'
So she packed her bags and suitcase too,
And she left that place with the RINGY DANG DOO.
0 she went to town and became a whore,
And she hung her sign outside her door,
And they came in ones and two by two,
Just to sample the joys of the RINGY DANG DOO.
0 she left that towni that whorey bitch,
With a load of the jack and the seven year itch,
0 she hadV.D. and syphyllis too,
And she carried it all in the RINGY DANG DOO.
0 the RINGY DANG DOO is a thing of the past,
Now all the young lad's whop it up the arse,
If you want any more it's up to you,
That's all there is of the RINGY DANG DOO.
—ooOoo—
19
THE WILD WEST SHOW
Here ladies and gentlemen we have the hippopotamus,
The hippopotamus?
Yes, the hippopotamus is an amazing animal
When its eyes are open its arsehole is closed
And when its eyes are closed its arsehole is open
Someone threw'pepper in"its eyes,
And Christ, he's got diarrhoeai
CHORUS t
Oh we're off to see the wild west show,
The elephant and the kangaroo-oo-oo
Never mind the weather, we're all in this together
We're off to see the wild west show.
Here ladies and gentlemen we have the ooligooli bird,
The ooligooli bird?
Yes, the ooligooli bird is an aoiaaing bird
It.flies but it has no legs
And when it lands, ooooli - goolij
Here ladies and gentlemen we have the giraffe,,
The giraffe?
Yes, the giraffe is an amazing animal
It is the only animal in the jungle that can go into a
bar and say?"The high balls are on me."
Here ladies and gentlemen we have the sphinx*
The sphinx?
Yes, the sphinx Is an amazing animal,
Yes, it is the only animal with a triangular arsehole
It shits bricks, hence, pyramidsi
Here ladies exid. gentlemen, we have the tight skinned
lizard,
The tight skinned lizard?
Yes, the tight skinned lizard is an amazing animal
Whenever it' blinks it flips itself,
Someone threw pepper in its eyes,
And it flogged itself to death]
Here ladies and gentlemen, we have the rhinoceroa
The rhinoceros?
Yes,, the rhinocerarse\is sii ara&zing.'animal,
Its name comes from the ancient Greek,
Rhino meaning money, sorarse meaning piles*
It is the richest animal in the jungle?
It has piles and piles of money.'
Here ladies and gentlemen we have the Oohah bird,
The Oohah bird?
Yes, the Oohah bird is an amazing bird.
The male species lives in the North pole;
The female species lives in the South pole.
In spring they migrate
And when they meets ooooooh -aahhnh I
Here ladies and gentlemen we have the elephant,
The elephant?
Yes, the elephant is an amazing animal,
It eats twelve hours a day, but only shits once a week
And when it shits it..,. .
Move away there sonny
As I was saying it eats all week and only shits.....
Please move away, sonny
And when it shits, it shits....
Has anyone got a shovel?
20'
Here ladies and gentlemen we have the orangatang
The orangatang? ''
Yes, the orangatang is an amazing animal, j
It has balls of steel, and as i'.t swings from'vine to vinr
through the jungle, !•'
Its balls go orang - a - tang, orang .- a -'.tangJ f.
Here ladies and gentlemen we have the mountain goat, I
The mountain goat? [
The mountain goat is an amazing animal,' ' '
It farts and jumps from crag to crag-
It has science baffled .
As to' whether the farts make it jump, or the farts make .
jump J
Here l8,dies and gentlemen, we have the shark,
The shark? " [:
Yes, the shark is an amazing fish, |
It follows ships.and eats and secretes semen- f
Here ladies and gentlemen we have the kiwi bird,
The' kiwi bird?
The kiwi bird is an amazing bird,
It comes to parties,
And eats roots, shoots and leaves. ;
Here ladies and gentlemen we have the kaka bird, |
The'Uaka bird? \
Yes, the kaka bird is an amazing bird,
It slides down icy slopes screaming,
"Ka-ka-rist it's cold0" f
Here le.dies end gentlemen we have the jum-jum bird I
The jurn-jura-bird? |
Yes, the jum-jum bird is an amazing bird, 1
It flies round end round in ever decreasing concentric
circles,
Until it flies up its own fundamental orifice
From which lofty 'eminence it pours down mingled shit and!
abusive scorn upon the assembled multitudes below. ]
Here ladies and gentlemen we have the proud elephant,
The proud elephant? •
Yes the proud elephant is an amazing animal,
He lies upside down in the jungle with his balls in the s~
air
And then we have the biggest balls-up in the jungle. [
Here ladies and gentlemen we have the fuckarwe bird, j-
The fuckarwe bird? |
Yes the-fuckarwe bird is an amazing bird, ' I
It is so named because it flies around with its feathersf
in. front of its face yellingj f
"Where the fuck are we?11
Here ladies end ^entleinen we have the leopard,
The leopard?
Yes, the leopard is an amazing animal,
He has. 365 spots,one for each day of the year,
And every leap year he walks around with his tail in the!
air.
Here ladies and gentlemen we have the kea bird, |
The kea bird? !
Yes, the kea bird is an amazing bird,
The third kea'bird flies up the anal orifice of the 2nd '
kea bird,
The 2nd kea bird flies up the anal orifice of the 1st kcj
&the 1st kea bird says Kea-rist. [
21 " ' ' '
Here ladies and gentlemen we have 007 7
007?
Yes, 007 is an amazing animal,
He is the only man in London who has two noughts "before
seven, . ,- . . ....■■
Here ladies and gentlemen we have the hyena,
The hyena?
Yes, the hyena is the only animal in the jungle
who makes love only once a year,
So, what the hell does he have to laugh about.
Here ladies and gentlemen we have the tigerr
The tiger?
Yes, the tiger is an amazing animal,
He is the only animal in the Jungle with stripes on his
cock to measure the penetration,,
Here ladies and gentlemen we have the sardine,
The sardine?
Yes, the sardine is an amazing fish,
He leads a. -yrdid life,
He is found in most peculiar circumstances,
Lying head to tail in sticky, stuff.
Here ladies and gentlemen is the toofa-toofa 'bird,
The toofa-toofa bird?
Yes, the toofa-toofa bird is the most amazing bird,
It flies up to 10,000-feet and then dives at mach 2
And levels out five feet above the ground ,
Screaming,"Toofa-toofa too fucking latena
Here ladies and gentlemen we hava. the ostrich,
The ostrich? .
Yes, the ostrich is a most remarkable bird,
It gets its head under the sand and its arse up,
Waiting and waiting and =.
Here ladies and gentlemen we have the cryptic church mouse
The cryptic church mouse?
Yes, the cryptic church mouse is a remarkable animal,
He crept into the crypt;
Crappedj
And crept out.
---ooOOOOoo---
COMMERCIAL ADVERTISING
Chinese couple going v/ild, ■ . ' '.
Want to have a pure white child,
Seek advice wh?t can be done,
But find no way of having one.
They watch TV and while they sit,
They find a way of having it
On the Job without delay,
Sideways is uhe Chinese way,
Baby born with great delight,
Little fellow pure and white.
Father, proud and full of glee
Tells what he learnt on TV.
"Hooley Doolcy, he no foolee
He put Persil on his tooley,,
Wifey,, Wifey, very canny,
Use Blue Omo on her fanny.
Wonder where the yellow went,
Brushed his balls with Popsodent
---ooOOoo---
33
SHARES IN THE VERY.. BEST COMPANIES.
I've shares in the very "best companies,
In tramwaysj tobacco and tin,
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Rolls in rolls in,
See how the money rolls in J rolls in,
Rolls in I rolls in,
My G-od how the money rolls in.
With wealth in the big German steel worksj
Ho wonder I helped Hitler win,
For when he suppressed the trade unions "9
My god how the money rolled in..
My father sent field guns to France,
My brother raised loans for Berlin,
My uncle sent scrap iron to To 30,
To maize sure that tho money rolled in
My cousins a starting price boo&ie',
My mother soils synthetic gin,
My sister soils sin to sailors,
My god how tho monoy rolls in.
My brother's a curato in Sydney,
He's saving tho girls from sinj
He'll save you a girl for a dollar, .
My G-od how tho monoy rolls in.
We've started an old fashioned gin shopJ
A*regular palaco of sin,
Tho principal girl is my Grandma,
My god how tho money rolls in.
My father, manufactures french letters ^
My mother pricics then with a pin,
My sister preforms the abortions,
.. My G-od how tho -monoy rolls in.
--ooOoo—
ROLL ME.OVER IN THE CLOVER
Woll this Is number one & the fun has 3ust begun;
Roll mo over in the clover', lay mo down & do it again.
Roll me over in tho clover,
Roll mo over, lay me down & do it again,
Well this is number two & his hand is on my shoo,
Well tills is number throo and his hand is on my laicc,
Well this is numb or four & he's got mo- on the floor,
Well this is number five & his hand is on my thigh;
Well this is number six and his meat's between my hips,
Well this is number seven & now it feels liko heaven,
Well this is number eight & the doctor's at the gate,
Tfcli this is number nine & the twins aro doin' fino,
Well this is number ten and here we go again,
—000O000—
23
TELL US ANOTHER
A giddy young .trollop at Yale
Had verses tatooed on her tail,
And below her behind
For the sake of the blind
Was a duplicate version .in "brailleI
CHORUS J OHj that was a dirty one,
Tell us another one, dirty as buggery,'
Tell us another one, DO.
There was a young lady of Thrace,
Whose corset grew too tight to lace,
Her mother said "Nelly, there's more in your belly,
Than ever went in through your face."
There once was a young lady of the Azores;
Whose cunt was all covered in sores;,
Even the dogs in the streets wouldn't licit the green meat
That hung in festoons from her drawers•
There was a young lady of Exter
Who made all the men crane their necks at her,'
And some who were brave would gallantly wave
The distinguishing marks of their sex at her.
There once was a monk from Siberia
Whose morals were rather inferior
He did to a nun what he shouldn't have done,
And now she's a mother superior^
There was a young lady named Starkie,
Who had an affair with a darkio.,
The result of this sin was quadruplets, not twins,
One black, ono white and two khaki.
There was a young man from Australia^
Who painted his arao like a dahlia,
The drawing was fine, the colour divine,
But the smell of the bloom was a failure.
A lesbian once in lUiatoum,
Asked a fairy boy up to her room
They spent the night in a holl of a fight
As to who should do what and to whom.
The dirty old bishop of Buckingham,
Was thinking of tits and of sucking them '
While wa-tching the stunts of the cunts in the punts
And the tricks of the pricks that wore fucking 'em.
The-re was a young lad from the Yarra
Whoso prick was as big as a. marrow,
So .ho said to his tart "Cop this for a start;
While I wheol my balls up a barrow.
There v/as a young girl from Dakota
Who lived in a Chineso pagoda
The walls of tho halls were lined with the balls
And tho tools of tho fools who had rodo her'.
There v/as a young man from tho Perth
Who v/as tho dirtiest bastard on earth,
When his wife v/as confined, ho pulled down the blind
And licked up tho grcon afterbirth.
,W--.t ;.
23 "b
A habit most foul 'and unsavoury,
kept tho S 4th Earl of Salisbury in slavery
With maniacal howls, he'd dohymenato owls,
Which he kept in an underground aviary*
A travc *ler on route <to hiatal,
Said Sue was tho name of the gal,
Tho best part of tho trip Ho had on tho ship
Was .sailing up Suez.canal.
There was a young girl from Alice
Who used dynamite as a phallus
Parts of her vagina wore found in Carolina
And hor arse was-last soon over Dallas,
A ncico of tho late Quoon of Shcba,
Was promiscuous with an amoeba,
This quoor blob of jelly would lie on her belly
And quivering, murLicr, "Ich Liobe".
There was a young aan from Bombay,
Who moulded a cunt out of clay,
.Tho heat of his prick turned it into a priori
And rubbed all his foreskin away.
There' was a young man named Carter,
Who was a remarkable farter,
Ho could blast out.tho tunc 'Au Claire do Luno,
And Boothovon's 'Iloonlight Sonata'.
There was a young man from Crete,
Who shot all over tho street,
A chemist named Solly bottled the-jolly,
And sold it as extract of meat,
Thore was a young man from Calcutta,
Who said to his wifo "Can I fuel: ya?"
She said "Hot tonight, 'cos tho period ain't right,
But if you like I'll just suck yc,"
Thoro was a young man from East Choau,
Who invented a pulling machine,
Tho bloody thing broke, on the ninoty-ninth stroke,
And it whipped his poor knackers to cream.
There was a young chap named Sprocket,
Who wont for a ride . in a rocket,
The rocket went bang, - his' balls wont cang*
And ho found his prick in his pocket. '
Last night I dined with a king,
He did a most curious thing,
Ho sat on a stool and pulled out his tool,
And sais "If I play., will you sing?
Then up spoke the King of Sias,
"For women I don't give a damn,'
I-Iy pride and ray joy Is a bare bottomed boy,
They call mo a quoor, and I aia.
Thoro was a young man from Selcncal,
Whose tool was as thin as a pencil,
It went through an actress, two shoots and a matrcss,
- And shattered the bed-roan utensil.
There was a 'young man named Stroud
Who was rooting a girl in a crowd.
A man in the front
Said "Sniff sniff; I smell cunt,"
Just quietly like that, not loud,
24
Thoro was a young man from Calcutta,
Who looked at his wife through a shutter.
But all he could see was the bond of her knee,
And the arse of the guy who was up her
There was a young man from Belgrave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave.
Re said I'll-admit., I'm a bit of a shit
But think of the money X save.
There was a young man from Nantucket
Whose tool was so long he could suck it,
He said with a shout as he waved it about,
"If ny nose v/as a cunt I could fuck it.
The venerable bishop of Birmingham
Seduced all the girls while confirming 'em
Midst roars of applause, he drew down their drawers,
And inserted his episcopal worm in ' evt
On the breast of a vronan named G-ail
Was tatooed the price of her tail.
On her behind, for the sake of the blind
V/as the same information in Braille.
A young man fro-\ Trinity Hall
Had a inathmatical ball
Two thirds of its weight, tijAes, plus eighty
Was three fifths of five eigths of fuck all.
There was an old uan from Lahore,
. Who had a cock, one inch and no morej
' Twas all right for keyholes and little girls'
But no bloody good for a1 whore. (peeholes,
There was a young lad naiied Perkin
Who was a'lerkin' his gorkin.
His mother said "Perkin, stop jerkin' your gerkin,
Your gerkin's for furkin', not jerkin',
There was a young lass from Peru,
Who filled her twot up with glue.
She said with a grin,"If they pay to get in
Then they can pay to got . out of it tool1
A young lass of ample- proportions
Took all contra.cept.ive precautions
Her sister nar.ied Pruo lot one little spona. through.
"Can anyone here do abortions?"
When Titian was painting Hose Haddor,
His model was posed on a ladder.
Her position to Titian suggested fruition
So ho mounted the ladder and had 'or.
There was a young lad naued Skinner,
V/ho took a young lady to dinner.
At a Quarter to nine they sat.down to dine,
At a, quarter past ton it was in her .. the dinner
Hot Skinner, Skinner was in her before dinner.
There v/as an old monk in Liberia
Whose oxistancc grew steadily drearier
Till he lept fron his cell, with a hell of a yell,
And oloped with the Ilothor Superior
24 b
There was a young man nanod ilorris,
Found, tickling a young girl's clitoris.
"The hynon inside is ruptured" she- cried,
And twitched her labia najoris.
There was a young girl fron Hanson
V/Iio was raped seven tines in a nanson
When she cried out for ncrc, a voice fron the floor,
Said :ik'y name is Simpson, not Season."
There was a young girl fro.u norway,
Who hung upside down in c. doorway;.
She .said to her nan,, "Got off that divan,
I think-I'vo discovered one noro way."
.There was a young gaucho nauod Bruno-
VOao. said that loyc was all that ho did know,
". ' A thin girl divine^ a fat one sublime^
But my Liana is nunero uiie.
There was a young nan fron Buckinghai-i,
VJho wrote, ten' volun.es on wonon and fuelling then,
This magnificent work was excelled' "by a Turk,
Who wrote twelve on codes and sucking thorn*
There was an old lady fron Rhcins,
Vvlao. found she could piss in four strcans,
In the-words of the doc J it wasn't the cock,
.But a fly button stuck in the seams,
There was a young lady frosi Spain,
Vlho liked rooting now and again.
Hot now and again, but now, —and again,
And....gain and ..gain, and again.
There was a young lass fron hadr.as
. V/ho stuffed aynanito up her arse,
It wont off with a boon, blow her wonb to IQiartoum,
And. clitoris to Buckinghan Palace.
There was a good Sing of Algiers,
Vflao said to his haron, "iiy dears.
My language is blunt, a cuj.-t is a cunt,
And a fuel-: is a fuck,T; Loud cheers I
There was a pretty -young naidon of Franco,
Who decided she'd just 'take a chance'
Sh>„ let herself go .7or ..n hoar or so,
And now all her sisters are aunts.
There was a young ladj of Worcester,
Vflio drcaned harlon Brando sedorcoster,
But she woke up to find it was all in her siind:
Just a lunp in the nattross that gorcostor.
A corpulent naidon nauod Kroll
Had a notion exceedingly droll
At a nasquerade ball dressed in nothing at all,
She packed in as a Parker House roll.
A wanton young lady fron "Tinlcy
Reproached fro not acting priuly,
Answered ;:Kcavcns above, I know sex isn't love,
But. it's such an attractive facsimile.
There was a young lady fro*"'. I'.ont,
V;ho said that she knew what it Meant,
To be asked out to dine on lobster and wine,
She know what it ncairt and she wont- ,.;
25
A fanatic gun-lover called Crust
Was perverse to the point of disgust
His idea of a peach had a 16" broach
And a poarlhandlcd 44 bust.
There onco was a maidon fron 1'Iultry
Whoso knowledge was ro^llj ;-.:ito sxsltr--. "•...-*;. ,j,.r
^-°0Ps She said like a sage, adolescence'sthe stage". . ■
'!/Ue.-n pu":o"i*t.y a:-.d gloi;! ous. adultery .
There was a young lady from -S:»dnoy
Who could take it right up to the kidney
■ But a nan from the south got up to her mouth,
•■ lift got his nouoy's worth didn't hoi
There onco v/as a fellow from Kent
V/hoso tool was horribly bent
To save himself trouble he put it in double
And instead of conning, he went.
There onco was a chap fron St. L'ilda
9 '.'/ho took out a girl nanod Matilda
Ho said that ho could, and he should, and he would
And he did and he fucking well killed hori
There once was a nan nauod Jin
Who had a girl who ate hyncn
It wasn't her size that attracted his eyes
But the crystallized curi on the rin.
There was a young nan fron Rorshan
Who took out Ills balls to wash 'or.'.
His mother sals "Jack, if you don't put then back
I'll stand on the buggors and sguash 'era1.1
There v/as a port lass fron Madras
Who had a peculiar ass
3um* Hot rounded and pink as you probably think
But was grey, had long oars and ate grass.
There was, a young lad fron Habs
Who lived on pox pickings and scabs
If he got sick on spew, which he would often do
His wife's nonthly blood brought Uirv through
There was a young nan fron JOcrnuda
Who liked his tart nudo when ho wooed her
She thought it was rude to be voood in the nude
But the follow was shrewder and screwed hor
There was a young lass called Mabel
Who liked it best on the tabic
What a cunt of a whore, she'd take 200 or norc
And invito any back who wore able.
A girl of uncertain nativity
Had a sense of oxtrcno sensitivity
When she sat on tho lap of a C-ornan or Jap
She would sense sono fifth colunn activity
The spouse of a pretty young thing
Cavic hone fron the wars in the spring
He was lauc but ho cauc with his hand on his cano
A discharge is a wonderful thing.
There v/as a young nan fron Rangoon
Who was an unfortunate noun.
Ho hadn't tho luck to be born by a fuck
But by a wot droan fed in by a 3poon.
26
There was a young girl fron Bongal
Who went to the birth control ball,
Took all her accessories^ letters and pessaries,
And didn't get asked at all,.
A policcnan fron Tottonhan Junction
Lost the use of his sexual function
For the rest of his life he deceived his wife
By dextrous use of his "crunchen.
There 'was a young nan fron St, Pauls
Who had a hexagonal ball
The square of his date, plus his penis tines eight
Was.two fifths of five eights of fuck all.
There was a young chap fron the Cape "
Who foolishly took on an ape.
The ape cried "You fool, you'll bugger your tool
And put ny poor arse out of shape".
There was a young girl of Japan
Who wont for a rido^ on a trail
The dirty conductor got up and fucked her
And now she's wheeling, a pran.
There'was a young girl fron Bengal
'Who wore a newspaper dress to a hall
The dress caught fire, and burnt her entire^
Front pagOy sporting section and all.
The dirty old bastard called Dave
Used to hoop a dead whoro in a cave,
,!I know its disgusting, but she only needs dusting^
and think of the noney I savcn.
There was a young nan fron Capo Horn '; ■
Who wished he'd never boon born,
Ho woiil&n't have boon if his father had scon
That the end of his letter was torn.
There was a young Jewess called Grace,
'Who sucked off one of her race
In spite of bis howls, she sucked out his bowels
And spat then back in his face
' There was a young lady of iiloij
Who said as the bishop withdrew,
The vicar was quicker and slicker and thicker
and nine inches longer than you.
There was a nan fron Peru,
Who lived on cat's jerk-off and spew.
Whoii ho toird of these, ho lived on the choose
That under his foreskin grew.
There onco vjas a uonastry monk,
Who went to sloop on a bunk.
He drcant that Venus was stroking his. penis,
And woke with ..a handful! of spunk.
A dirty old nan fron Calcutta
Once' rapod a girl in the gutter.
The heat of the sun burnt a hole in his bun
And noltod his balls into butter.
There was an.old hag fron Jo-horo,
Who vras covered in syphilis sores
Groat sheets of green neat.hung in lengths to the strcc
For the'dogs to lick at and gnaw
!-;
There was a young man from tho Alice, ;
Who pissed in the Archbishop's chalice, \
But it wasn't the need which prompted tho dood, 1
But pure sectarian malice. \
I
There was a young lady from Osit,
Who wont to a twopenny closet^
And whcn.sho got there", she could only pass airi'
That wasn't worth twopence, was it?
In tho garden of Eden sat Adam
As he played with tho twot of his madam?
Ho chuckled with mirth, as ho thought: On this earth
There were only two balls, and he had 'em,
There was a young man of Kings,
Whoso mind dwelt on heavenly things,
His earthly desires wore boys from tho choir,
With arses like a jelly on , .- springs.
There was a young lady of fashion
Who had oodles and oodles of pasMon,
To tho bridegroom- she saidj on tho night she was wed,
"Hero's one thing the stato can't ration"
There was a young lady of Srs3rf.no
And the chief of her charms was a fair sliin,1
But the sable she wore, (and minks galore)
She earned while wearing her bare skin.
Oh knock-kneed Sam IlcG-uzzon
Who married his bow legged cousin,
Some people say love finds a wayj"
But for Sam and his cousin it doesn't.
There was a young lady of York,
Said a Frenchman who gnawed at her fork
"Your cunt is.dripping, so I'll stop my sipping
And use my cock as a cork.
There was a young girl from the Loith,
Who sucked young men off with her teeth
It wasn't for pleasure she adopted this measure
But to got at the choose underneath.
There was a young man from Pardon
Whose bird sucked him off in the garden
Ho said "Hoy Flo, whore did it go?Tt
She said TI Hup, beg your pardon .
There was a young man from Kildaro
Who started a root on a stair,
When the banister broke, ho just quickened his stroke
And finished her off in mid air.
There was a young fellow of Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of seeds,
In a month, silly arse, he was covered in grass,
And couldn't sit down for the weed's*
There was -a young virginal lass
Who constructed her -panties of brass
When asked 7!:0o they chafe?" She said "Yes, but its safe
Against pinches and pins in your arse."
A midget, once indiscret,
Wont to a dance in tho street
One frigid December, ho froze every monbor,
And cropt away to retreat.
28
There 0:100 was a dentist nancd Choiic
" V/lio had a patient fron Rone
In a fit of dcprvitys he filled-tho wrong cavity
Now she's nursing the cavity at hone
There once was a lady nancd hyrtlo,
Vlho had an affair with a turtle.
Tho next day at dawn* she Gave birth to a prawn
Which proved that the turtle was fertile,
Said the Duke to the Duchess elective
" Is -\y cyosiriht bcconninG defective?
Is tho east tit tho least "bit tho best of the west tit
Or is it i.iy lack of perspective?"
Thoro was a young nan fron Rhions
V/I10 used to have wot droa is/
V.'ith conn.ondablc wit, he encased the. in shit,
And sold then as chocolate crcans.
There was a young bc3rer fron Tottorlian
V,rho used to bake pies and put snot in 'en
She also interned the turds of .the birds
And v.hoppcd, off young doss till they shot in 'on.
— ooOoo—
RIM3- THE BELL VERG-ER
CKCRU3
Ring tho bell verger, rinG tho bell, ring
Perhaps the congregation will condescend to sing
Perhaps tho bloody organist sitting on his stool
V.rill start playing organ and stop playinG ^ool.
. Ocean linor soven days late
1 Cause the stokor's up the ;late
Captain's voice cones down tho wiro
Stop stoking nate and start stoking fire.
BBC announcer Gits
Twiddling with typists tits
Boss walks in and says with suilcs
Stop twiddling tits and start twiddling dials.
Down in the bason.ont cool; she lies
V/ith the butler tvi;ct her thighs
I-Iistross's voice in angry uood
Stop fucking cook and start fucking -food
- In the garage mistress sits
SHe has Chauffer play with tits
Master's voice comes from'a far
Stop fucking mistress and start fucking oar.
Up in the belfry the-bell man sits
Playing with his uonster bit
Verger s voice cones up from hell
Stop pulling pud and start pulling bell.
—00O00—
OOT.Oj'TEL BOG-Y
Hitler has only one brass ball
G-oering has two but very snail
Plinler has something similar,
Poor old G-ocballs has no balls at all.
-•-00O00—
29
I knew I should not go with hira,
I knew his reputation,
But the dance was very boring,
So I fell for his' temptation,
He took me to his roomy car,
1 rug he quickly found me,
Then he promptly drove away,
With, his 'arm around me.
It only seemed a little while,
.When the car finally stopped.
And then he pressed his lips to mine,
His just slightly parted,
And b7 the passion of that kiss,
I knew the game had started.
I tried to turn my face from his,
But he showed great persistance,
And as I saw it was no use,
I surrendered ray resistance.
I slipped my arm around his neck,
I gave him kiss for kiss,
I never thought a kiss could give,
So great a thrill as his.
Then my conscience put aside,
3y my lips surrender,
I felt his hand creep from my knees,
As f ar as my suspenders.
I took my arm from round his neck,
And made him lift his hand,
I said I did not mind the kisses,
But this I ivould not stand.
His roving hand thus being removed,
Began another quest,
It'slov7ly moved up until,
It rested on my "breast.
Then in spite of all resolve,
Passion through me did ripple,
As his hand stroked my curves,
And squeezed each Dulging nipple.
I should have removed' his roving hand,
From where he then employed it,
3ut this was doing me no harm,
Besides, I quite enjoyed It.
I lifted up my lips to his,
To pay for his coxess,
His left hand moved from my waist,
And slid beneath my dress.
My scantxes little hindrance gave,
And over me came streaking,
As he caressed and "Dressed my tender flesh,
A most exciting feeling.
I shook myself to clear my head,
And then removed his hand,
I said -'I'm not that type of girl,
I hope you understand."
He said he did not mind at all,
And soon my fears abated,
I said ^e should be going,
But he still longer waited,
His hand then found my shoulder strap,
And slipped it fro"i my shouldsr.
Then tt'ith my bosom uncovered,
He put my will to test,
He quickly bent his curly head,
And pressed it on my breast.
A flame like fire -'ent through my veins,
In a most disturbing fashion,
$hen ecstasy outwon my will,
His hand again was moving,
Slowly up towards my thigh,
This time -"Ithout reproving.
so
ffihen his lips at last left ray breast,
I didn't miss them much,
Because I got a greater thrill,
•V'ith his ha.nd upon ray crutch.
He whispered softly in ray ear,
As I me-kly sat beside him,
But in spite of the warm feeling,
I still found strength to deny him.
He took his right hand from ray breast,
And in it took, my right,
Although I trie.d to null away,
He held it firmly tight. ■
He moved my hand toward himself,
My nerves quickly turned to jelly,
As he firmly placed my hand,
Upon his lo'"rer belly,
Then he caressed my breast,
His other hand grew bolder.
Beneath his clothes I could now feel,
Something that made me sigh,
And soon I found he had undone,
Three buttons of; his fly.
Beneath his clothes I slowly groped,
My will gre^ slowly weak,
And through that opening in his ;.;X' ,
My hand began to seek.
Beneath his 'fly, I groped around,
As if in search of treasure,
And when I found the prize I sought,
My heart just throbbed "ith pleasure.
And while we sat. in fond embrace,
My consc-ience in the gr av-e,
I played with his passion pole,
ffhils he explored ay cave.
His cunning finger teased my desire,
Until I filled with longing,
He seemed to sense without a "rord,
My wist for compensation,
He took a rug and spread it out,
Upon a patch of clover,
When I quickly and gladly joined him ther-e,
My virgin days were over.
And from ray heart my heated blood,
Through all my veins went rushing,
I slipped of my evening frock,
To save it from a crushing.
Then I removed my slip,
And naked to the waist,
I lay myself upon the rug,
Love's great joy to taste.
He knelt between my outstretched legs,
Then sank .unon my breast,
And brought the charm for which I longed,
Towards my easy nest.
One of my hands stayed down below,
My door to-a-pen wide,
My other grasped his lovely toy,
To be its steady guide.
I squeezed it hard when it came down,
To paftf my curly hair,
I felt a new sensation, ■
And found that it was in there.
My virgin passage simply oiled,
3y natural lubrication,
Its first intruder welcomed,
Without the slightest hesitation.
It seemed a.miracle to me,
So tiny was my nest,
That it would accomodate,
So strong ^.nd hard a.guest,
31
His fleshy s?;ord, int o me,
It came with comfort laden,
But all too, so-in it was storied,
When first it reached my maiden.
Until now .no .sudden -pain,
Sad cre.pt upo,n me, '
But now I felt a sudden pain, -! -
As he pushed a little harder,
A sudden, sharp and burning wain,
That made me feel like crying, -"^ ' ' ■ :
But then once more on its inward nath;^'
That lovely sting went sliding.
Then inside my panting form, " .:
That weapon went completely, ' - -o
I never thought with its great si^e,
That it would, fit so neatly.
He paused a 'little' to rest,
And then he, began the motion,
His body moving up and down," " •
Like a ship upon the ocean. "■ ' ■
It wasn.'t long before,,
I caught .the, motions rhythm,
My body moved up and down,
In perfect time with his.
I found witliin my-soul,
A perfect joy abiding,
As in and out my cylinder, c
His pistori went agliCing.
Then while in motian we both moved,
The loveiv"union mated,
da whispered in ~y esr, ' ^r.1.
And-tlien . the s^eed accelerated:. ■ "='.
Then-I locked ay feet behind his knees,
To^getja_greater pleasure,
Then he gave a harder imsh and shove,
-Which brought me much more pleasure.
A few" conclusive movements,
And a final lovely shove,
And nathrally <-e had reached,-
The climax of our love. ■ .....
A little s'hile we lay entwined,
To make our joy complete,
"He then withdrew his shrinking tool,
And rose up to his feet.
■ Now our loye-m'.king game was over,
ffe both fa-It rather shy,
~ • * He' entwined, his nride, , ,
And buttoned up his fly. _ ' i1 ';-
And 'as-.he folded up the rug, ' ' ■"■
I was haopy to confess,
That I had lost my maiden, ■■"».. .•"
« : /tfijhput. a- thought of sorrow,
I'm meeting'him again, ; ■ "'"'-:'
Tomorrow." '■, ■■
--00O00--
_l^i_!iOM^Y_AND_THj_ALLIG^TOR_
The monkey and the alligator sat on the grass,
The monkey shoved a finger up the alligator's arse,
Singing Abadn.ha&oo, Abad^badoo, •> : > ■'■
Don't let ray^baby know.
■'Monkey, iX said the alligator; ''Be ^-kind soul,
kindly take your finger out 0^ ^y ^rso-hole, ■'
Mama is in bed, Papa on the top,
The child is in the cradle crying,
aput it in Pop."
--00O00—
32
-THE-ALPHABET--SONG. .....
.A is? for ar-sehole-s .all-cove-red in h>i-p--.-
Heigh. Ho--said Roily .......
B- is the bugg'ar -who wished he were there
With s—roily polly up 'era end stuff fem
Heigh- Ho-said Roily.
C is forvCUBt all dripping, with pies
D is the drunkard who gave it a kiss'
"Siis for eunuchs with nnly one ball
p is for fucker with qp balls at all
G is for gonorrhea goitre and gout
H is the harlot that spread it about
I if? injection for clapspo- and itch
J ie the jerk.of a dog on a bitch
£ is the king ^ho thought fucking a bore
L i<= the lesbian who came back for more
M ie for maidenhood all tattered and torn
N. is for Noble, ^ho died with a horn
0 is for oriface gently revealed
P is for penis all pranged up and peeled
Q is the Quaker who shot in his hat
R is the roger who rogered the cat ■
p is the shit pot all full to the brim
T ie the turds that are floating within
U is the usher who taught us-at school
Y if the virgin who played with his t««X
W the whore who thought fucking a farce
X»Y and 2 you can stuff up your arse.
—ooOoo—
GRAND^ ATHFRS COCK
My grandfathers cock was too large for his pants
So it dragged ninety years on the floor
It was bigger- by far than the old man himself
But it weighed not a pennyweight more
H'etri a horn on the morn of the day that he was b»rn
.And a horn on the day that he died
But hie cock stopped never to rise again
When Grandr<a died.
Ninety years without slumbering, In;-?utr in;aut
New children numbering,IIn; sut, iRj'out-
It stopped*stiff3 never to go again
"When the old man died
—ooOoo—
THE BREEZES
Herers to the breezes
Wot lifts the girln tweezes
way !tonve their bare kneeses
And lets us all seezes
The things that us pleases
And gives us diseases
Be J"eezes..........
The breezes!
33
TEE VILXAGE MAIDEN
I was a village maiden,
I was bred on a farm,
My mother thought that I was-soft,
And couldn't come to harm.
I heard the others talking,
Of love and other things,
Of going out with fellows
And of the ;Joys it brings.
The others thought it funny,
And all very thick,
1'hat in all my eighteen years
I .had never seen a prick-
But one day in the forest,
I met the person's son,
And as he called-me "Darling,"
I felt inclined to run.
He caught me by the ana,
And we sat down by a tree.
We hadn't been there very long
Vi'hen his hand was on my knee.
It made me feel so funny
To feel his hand go higher,
And when it touched my thigh
I trembled with desire,
I fumbled with his trousers,
His fly was open wide.
I felt a big hard thing,
"Oh, what's that"I cried.
He was staggered at m;y surprise,
"Is that the first you've seen,
It's what you call a prick,
My.lovely maiden queer."
Kow all this time his hand
Was creeping nearer the spot,
And when at last he touched it,
It felt all red and hot.
He -said "Ti'e'd get on better
If we lay down on the grass".
I hastened to obey him
And his hand wont around my arse,
He soon had off my panties9
My blouse he opened wide.
I saw his prick grow bigger
When my tits he did espy.
He kissed my virgin nipples
And gave them a passionate: suck.
I could stszid it no longer 5
I said,"Puck, my darling, fuck."
I flung my legs wide open
And felt a lovely shock
AS into my yearning fuzz,
He plunged his burning cock.
34
I felt a stab of pain,
My maiden head had broke.
It was so lovely lying there
As stroke succeeded stroke.
Suddenly he shuddered
As passion shook poor Bruce,
And from his thickened cock
Poured forth hot creamy juice.
It v/as a lovely feeling,
The juice running down my hum,
I felt it hot and sticky,
I knew what he had done.
It was so lovely lying there,
A silent peaceful bliss,
As at last he took it out
To go and have a piss.
I looked and as I watched him,,
It gave me quite a shock
To see just what had happened
To his lovely great big cock.
The glorious stiffness had shrunk,
It really seemed a dream,
It was really but a wrinkle
Covered with mottled cream.
I put my hand upon it
To see what I could do
He said,"My darling, rub it,
We'll have another soon."
I sucked the cream from it,
I stood upright with him,
And when 1 wasn't looking
He went and kissed my gin.
Of course that got me going
With joy I was afloat,
I had a glorious feeling
As he fingered the ma n in the boat.
I did as he told me,.
I held my tits together
And he placed his cock between
Until it was as hard as ever.
After trying for a while,
He got a nice stiff form,
He turned me over on my bum,
And then he shot his brawn.
I cried,"My darling sweetheart,
Please give me all you've got".
I hugged him all the closer,
And thus again he shot.
We really had to go at last,
We parted with much sorrow,
He said,"My darling, don't you worry,
We'll have some more tomorrow,"
—000OOO000—
35
LIFE PRESENTS A DISMAL PICTURE
, Life presents a dismal picture
Full of sorrow and of gloom;
Father has an anal stricture, ,
Mother has a fallen womb.
Brother Percy's "been deported ■•
For a homosexual crime,
Sister Sue has been aborted
For the forty second time.
Uncle Oharlie has a chancre
Caught from- Uncle Henry's wife.
May's in bed with menstruation,
Auntie's at the.change of. life.
Life presents a dismal picture:
Noone hardly over smiles %
Mine's a gloomy occupation , '
Crushing ice for..Grandpa's ■piles. '.
Life presents a.dismal picture-
Found a foetus .in a case:
Dr. Bowden says it.'s raurdcr-
Of sister Anhe there is no trace*
Brother Bill's, emasculated
For the safety of the human race.
Sister Anne is now fustrated,
No man's .safe around our place.
As for me I had a,discharge,
With mercury I did annoint,
But it was not worth a cra.ckers ■ /.
'"Now" I've got a Charcot's joint.
Gonococcal Salpingitis
It has blocked my tubes for so?
So you sec my dearest doctor, -,
It's- no" use to do a' D and C. '
NEVER ROOT '; .,.'.."
(Tune: Nc"ver smile at a Crocodile) .
Never root with .a prostitute
Never stop a while and give your bolt a shot,
Don't bo taken In by he* volcono'^rin,
She's imagining how much you'll get v/hen you <
slip in;
Never.roo't with a prostitute
..Even though she says you've got a beaut - :
.'Don't be'rude3 never mock, use your head and ;
not your cock,
But never root with a prostitute.
Never1'root v/ith a.-prostitute, -■. ''*'■
Though you may Ijq .uell hung,
And know, how to kiss v-ith your tongue
There's one kind of bag not to slag when you.'re
on the run.
So never root with a prostitute
Sven though she says you've got a beaut
Don't be rude, never mock, use your head and .
not your cock.
And never root with a prostitute,
36
THE BRXDg'S CONFESSION
Dear Bella5
When wo parted you wished mc to-'write.
And toll you of all that happened that night.
Well dear Frank and I were joined hand in hand-
And allowed to perform all that love can command.
But language c-Jut*toll what wise have said ■-<-■--
Of wonderful ways of a nan with a maid.
Be assured they can only he known
By a lecture in "bed with a man of your own,
Not withstanding I'll tell you as well as I can,
Of all that I found in the secret of man,
So that you and all cervian lasses can learn
How the gaste may be played when it comes to your turn.
We started from Brighton exactly at noon
To spend as the phrase is, a sweet honeymoon.
Bright sunshine was with us the whole of the day,
Dear Frank was amorous, ardent and gay,
So much so that, though still in the carriage,
He began to indulge in the freedom of marriage.
After drawing the blinds, and removing my wrap,
fie lifted me bodily right onto his lap;;
Where closely resting his head on-my shoulders
He caught my hot lips, which made him grow bolder,
For, whilst still engaged, he unfastened my dress,
And slipped his hand on my white virgin breasts.
Blushing crimson, I struggled with all of my might,
And implored him to wait until the night,
And then if he sought so close a connection
There would be less chance of sudden detection
Then he lifted my skirts right up over my knees
His hand started stroking despite all my pleas.
His smooth hand crept betwixt my thighs
Whilst holding me tight so's I couldn't rise.
Frightened "and bashful I clung round his waist
In a shamed sort of way, with a flush on my face
V/hilS't roaming and teasing his hand regained there
First pinching the flesh and entwining the hair.
, This frivolity lasted for more than an hour
Whilst completely subdued I lay in his power.
I struggled no longer, and to tell the true facts,
I felt pleasant sensations from some of his acts.
Then we reached the hotel and found things prepared
The apartments were furnished and comfortably aired,
Our dinner was served, stylish and neat,
rTwas a shame to sit down to such a good treat,
When the feast vie expected a little while hence
So excited our thought and engross.ed every sense,
That all our thoughts were held in subjection^
However I arranged a simple collection.
Frank praised the champagne, I thought it. .delicious,
He adored it enough to make Cupid propitious
And indeed, he was right for between you and me
I've never had spirits more jolly and free.
• Now I know you'll skip all till you reach the word "Night;T
And, how my emotions o'ercame all my might .
Well attend and I'll draw the curtains aside,
And detail the sport between man and his bride,
I'll happily detail the process bewit .ching
By which girls are cured of that troublesome itching
And all those desires which crept into leisure,
Became to a couple, a realised pleasure.
37
Well as the time approached I felt ratlior faint,
,. - My.-h.osoms .Kept' rising, despite all restraint,
Frank noticed, my state and he tenderly said
"Xou look-tirod,' dear Hary^ so get off to bed"
What a sly wicked notion, I knew what he meant,
So,, covered with blushes, I kissed him and went,
T was scarcely undressed and prepared for my doom
When I heard the dear fellow glide into the room,
Arid as I lay there, twixt wonder and dread,
lie. slipped' off his clothing and Jumped into bed,
For an instant I found my self clasped in his arms,
And I quickly lost all of ray sweet girlish dreams.
For he soothed me so fondly and gave me such kisses
That warmed my young heart for more esquisite blisses.
Untying my nightdress, he slipped out my arms,
G-ently drawing it downwards without any qualms
Until perfectly nude I lay at his side,
Fairly endecvouring my blushes to hide.
For his hand, warm and bold; in pursuit of its game
Fondled my bosoms and wandered my framed
Most frequently moving^ conceive my distress,
Where pen cannot write, although I'm sure you will guess
In tears I implored, him not to be rude,,
But he sealed up my lips and-his fingers pursued
Declaring that if he couldn't do as ho wished
Life'wouldj in short, cease to exist.
However, he said that that very same day,
I'd promised in church him to love and obey,
That this was all true he -.;:\scored in my ear
For our parents had done,the same thing, it was clear,
Besides the parson, in his pious exhaltation,
Had told us that marriage was to ward off temptation.
It was plainly wrong to keep at such a distance,,
Or to thwart such desire with even passive resistance,
So my blood and reserve o'ereame, I freely returned,
For a flame irresistible inside me burned.
Then smiling to himself and without further delay
Like a lion he crept right up on to his prey.
Pushing my .legs till they were well wide apart,
He brought 'to my opening his wonderful dart
Then gently inserting his most welcome guest
He lowered himself right down onto my breasts
You can not Imagine my excited condition
While his strong manly weapon was gaining admission
Oh I How wonderful Ms great penis was,
.....Surpassing iDy far all my ladylike fancies,
"So relentless in power and extended in length
■ That I felt its dimensions and wonderful strength
Overcame with alarm I exclaimed with a sigh,
"Don't push any further or I'm sure I will die".
But tears and entreaties were alike unheeded, "-
For bent on his purpose the sport proceeded,
And although I have said he was armed like a giant,
He was truely a man and not a tyrant
And expanding I yielded to every position, _.
Until he had gained the fullest admission
I found, dear Bella, the saying quite true,
That man and his wife are one and not two J
For'union so'close, all description surpasses
And can't be conceived at by innocent lasses.
The conqueror within me was steadily swe lling,
And now knew life In i-ts snug juicy dwelling;',-'
Wine times wo indulged in this loving delight
Till my hero v;as at last disposed to keep quiet
But to toll the true 'facts,' had he given a "score,
I still would have needed his loving some more
But unluckily he"thought it time to observe
The maxim of keeping some force in reserve.
In another he could not take part
So. we were rendered 1;Kors de Combat".
Still I felt that quenchless desire
And found that warm rod of love buiding higher
Growing much bolder I extended my hand
And felt the dear fellow grow and expand.
Till soon he had gained his complete perfection
And stood forth proudly in Ms huge erection.
And Frankj lazy fellow, lay snug in his bed,
And said it was my turn to get on ahead,
Well I mounted at once^ first parting the hair,
And placing his lance with infinite care.
I extended my body full length on his chest
Determined to please him by doing my best.
Astonished Frank called me a :'hot little devil"
And not a bit backward enjoying a revel.
From the first he had known I wouldn't be cold
But he hadn't dreamt for a moment I'd ever be bold.
He was agreeably surprised and delighted however,
To think he had won so handsome a treasure.
And having developed in such an innocent way,
1 went on with my task without further delay.
So feeling my elbows press close to his side,
I swayed up and down while riding astride.
With quick rapid stroke wo quickly succeeded
In obtaining pleasure v/e both so much needed.
The blissful sensatSion continued a while
And delighted dear Frank', I could toll by his smile*
So while still retaining; the upper position,
I boldly commenced a second edition.
I accomplished my task with vigour and zest,
How and then pausing to give Frank both a fool and a rest.
Then clasping my loins he pushed further inside
And the fountain of love flowed in its full tide
As morning,eame? I longed for still more,
Then a maid knocked and came in the door.
She brought some fresh scones and buttered some toast,
Refreshed I begged for one final dose.
Frank laughed and suggested a change of position.
So grasping my legs and raising my head,
He lifted me bodily right out of bed,
And smiling he bade mo lean over a chair,
Then grasping my shoulders, snowy and bare,
Leant forward with my legs wide apart,
One final feel and In went his dart
In further and further, his hand on my breast,
Thus mounted behind ho went on with aest.
Being over my back was certainly nice,and I felt myself
(stirred
By a delightful sensation, the wonderful happening
(oc cured i,
This completed the sport of the night
And put the last touch on our mutual delight.,
Vie soon began requisite ablutions
And washed off the stains of the whole night's solutions.
Then taking my hand ho exclaimed with great pride
"I've come to admire my beautiful bride.
39
While our- limbs were entwined in the closest union
■ Our bc-di.e-s were -working in perfect unison.
The conflict -now raged, it was ravaging quite,
All my pains, "became feelings of joy and delight, .
This great'weapon of bliss in perpetual motion
Did its -work with exquisite skill and devotion!.
With knees pressing mine, Frank made his attack
First- pressing it in, then drawing it back,.
My thighs entwined in his; my thighs well apart,
Each stroke- was- a rapture as he pushed in his dart,
With .each thrust so solidly given.
I felt- enchanted and wafted to heaven.
Round Ms" vigourousJ form like a tendrill I twined
As our moist lips met, we revelled in joy sublime
• Till we had pressed and pushed with all or might
And reached the place of hymn's delight.
With a passionate kiss he sank down to rest
While raptures untold thrilled - through my breast.
For some moments entwined dissolving -we lay,
While the fountain of love was busy at play.
But then through my veins came an overpowering sensation
And we gave many pledges of our loves continuation.
My hero on further achievement was bent, not. subdued
And embracing me closely his object persued.
.Delighted,' I felt the great, male organ aflame,
:And replied with great ardour the strokes of my swain*
■Mho still merely pledging Ms part,
Was restraining the force of his soul-striving dart,'
First playing it in till it .fitted quite tight;
Then pausing as if to prolong the delight',
Till panting with pleasure; my breath nearly gone,
I countered swif.t action and wispered "Press on".
All attention he summoned and frankly obeyed
And again and again rich tributB his ecstasy paid.
While pulsating with joy, his stalwart erection;
Delivered within me its creamy injection.
Then tired and pliant from fluid emulsion,
We motionless sank into complete relaxation.
But my dreams so reflected that glamorous game
That I started and woke, my blood all aflame.
With my slumber, cut short on awaking
I thought-more could be had for the talcing.
I saluted dear'Frank with an amorous'kiss
As I hinted I-sought a renewal of .bliss,
And thus filled with vigour my amorous young swain,
To render' him keen for that exquisite game
I placed my.hand on.the source of the pleasure
The pride of his manhood and this woman's treasure-.
So firm, yet so soft' from the tip to the back
Where- two hard little balls lie,- enclosed in a sack.
Leaving my hand there, for a while I sqiicezcd
While my-hoy lay back in■ luxuriant ease,
Till? unable, .to bear my fooling any longer,
And his urgent desire grow stronger and stronger,
He flew into my arms and in one mighty tilt
He lovingly shoved it. right up to the-hilt.
And again we pursued our mutual enjoyment,
While murmurs of ecstasy marked every stroke
And the bed by its creaking our ardour bespoke,
Till-soon we had completed this fine operation
And poured forth together in warm, liberation.
Alternately, sporting and sleeping this way
Tliroughout -the night and into the day.
40
Kudo and in "bed.arc essential conditions,
Though I'm: still amazed at tho many positions, (right.
Frank will'not allow mo to overdo it, & he's certainly
It is much better to wait .ntil night,
Then again you'll gain your quenchless desires
For all of the pleasures which never tire.
But words do not often reveal
All tho joys of wedlock one desires to feel.
So lose not a moment dear Bella
Hake eyes at some handsome young follow
I-Iakc haste and get married as soon as you can,
For life is just made and enjoyed with a man.
Love ,
Mary.
—oopoo—
THE. .WOODPECKER'S HOLE
I put my finger in the woodpecker's hole.
And the woodpecker said well "bless my soul
Take it. put, take it out, Roococ-movo it \
I removed my finger from the woodpeckers hole,
The woodpecker said well please my soul,
Put it hack, put It hack, Beeeee-place iti
I replaced my finger In the woodpecker's hole,;
The woodpecker said well bless my soul,
Turn it round, turn it round, Reeeee-volve iti
I revolved my finger in the woodpecker's hole,
Tke woodpecker said well bless my soul,
Turn it back, turn it back, Reeeee-verse it I
I reversed my finger in the woodpecker's hole,
The woodpecker said well bless.my soul,
In and out, In and out, fieeeee-'ciprocate it.
I reciprocated my finger in the woodpecker's hole,
The woodpecker said well bless my soul,
Slow It down, slow it down, Reeoee-tard It.
I retarded my finger- in the woodpecker's hole-,
The woodpecker said well bless my soul,
Pull it out, pull it out, Reeeoo-traet It.
I retracted ay finger from the woodpecker's hole,
The woodpecker said well bless my soul,;
Take a whiff .j take a whiff, Receeeceeeeeee-volting,
—00O00—
. THE MOM OF PRIORY HALL
There was an old monk of Priory Hall
There was an old monk of Priory Hall
Who bashed his balls against a wall.
They were huge balls, large balls,
Balls as heavy as lead,
Balls, Balls
With a dextrous flick of his muscular prick
He could fling 'em right over his head.
Olel
-"■ooOoo™
If we all pull together we can have a white Christmas.
—00O00—
- 41
TINKER'S SONG__
Oh there was a fair young maiden riding
homeward from a hall,
Perchance "to meet a tinker pissing up erainst k .
a wall,
Chorus s . "
With his great "big 'kidney swi'per and hi stalls
as big as three?
And a yard and a half of foreskin hanging
below his -.knee.
Hanging down, .-.swinging free
Inches thick, what a prick,
With a good yard and a half of foreskin
hanging down between his knee,
Bo she wrote him a letter and in it she did &
say ,
I'd rather be fucked "by tinkers than my
husband any day.
Chorus:
So he mounted on his charger and to the
castle he did ride,
With his tool wrapped round the saddle
and a ball on either side,
Chorus s
Ho rode up to the castle and knocked upon
the door,
"God save us", cried the butler, "he's come to
fuck us all."
Chorus;
Ohrhe fucked the fair young maiden then he
fucked the servants all.
But the way he bummed oho butler was the
bottler of them all-,-
TWO BOLD_ GEO™****-
From.+Vip brothels back in Sydney
So the cuntstruck Japanese
We have left a trail of brstards
And no finer men arc these
But if we meet a dying harlot
Or a syphilitic tv/ot.......
We fuck 'em all...,. We fuck 'em all
• Wo fuck 'cm all.....We fuck 'cm all
We've got the harlots on the run
We fuck 'cm all... Vie fuck 'em all
We fuck 'em all....We fuck 'em all
: Ther's not one that can't be done.
Sing a song" of~ syphillus, a penis 'full .of"pus.
Pour and twenty pox scabs, waiting to be bust.
And when her legs were opened, Oh what a sight
to soc;
Cozy grey-green matter, all running with the pee.
42
BUG-G-ARED Tune : "Botany Bay"
For forty years I've been buggered
With horrible aches and pains
I've had every ailment I reckon
From rupture to varicose veins,
Singing too-ra- li-oora-li-addity
Too~ra~lI-oo~ra~li-addIty
Singing too-ra.-11-oo-ra—li-addity
Too-ra-li~oora-li~aa
Feuritis with me is a hobby
I've bunions and corns on my feet
And I seem to bred stones In my bladder
Like fuckln' great lumps of concrete,
I've spent a small fortune on chemists
I've lain months In hospital beds
And the stuff I've taken to shift me
Has torn my poor stomach to shreds I
And In spite of the cures I'm talcing
There's hardly a day I feel fit
And it talios a full pound of gunpowder:
Before I can bloody well shift,
I'Ve a stricture In the tube of my penis
And I don't mind tolling you this
I've to whistle "The Last Rose of Summer"
To coax my poor doodle to piss,
And as for a, first class erection
The idea is simply absurd
■ For my cock's like an undersized maggot
And as soft as a night commode turd,
So my time's all spent in the shithouse
Or moaning and groaning in bed
While my friends they all inurmer when passing
It's time the i^oor bastard was dead,
—OOoOO—
A SOLDIER'S DREAII OF AM R.V/.A.C.
A little maiden passing by
A little twinkling of the eye
A little smile z little date
T.D meet when the hour is late
A little promise not to tell
A little room In some hotel
A little messing of the hair
A little fussing lit some chair
A little drink a fond caress
A little question, the answer yes
A little shirt waist shed aside
A little breast that tried to hide
A little hand that went stealing inside
' A little pleased with funny feeling
A little coaxing, a little teasing
A form- revealed that Is most pleasing.
—0O0—
BRITISH G-HENADIERS
Some die of diabetes & some of diarroheaj
Some die of drinking whiskey & some of drinking beer
B'ut of all the world's diseases
There's none that can compare
With the drip,' drip, drip^
Of the British Gonorrhea,
■—00O00—
43
JUST A BOY
I remember the first time I tried it,
I was just a green kid of fifteen,.
And even though she was much younger,
She was far more composed and serene,
I was eager, yet awkwardly "backward,
Uncertain of how to proceed,
But she seemed not to pay much attention.
As I prepared to do the deed,
It was out in the "barn, I remember,
At the close of a fine summer day,
And the evening was scented with clover
And the fragrance of new mown hay '" "■ ■
I remember I spoke to her softly,
And the touch of her body was warm,
As I moved up lovingly towards her, '
While she nestled her head' in my arm,
Looking back on it now, I'remember.. .
How I stood when my head seemed to spin,
With the thoughts of the.thing I planned doing,
Yet somehow afraid to begin.
Then later I found myself standing
Uncertain to stay or to run,
And a feeling of pride then possessed me,
As I knew the job was well done.
Twenty years have gone by since' that evening,
But I've never forgotten, I vow,
The thrill and the joy that I felt as aa boy
On that day when I first milked a cbwi
—00OOO00—
GRAVEN A
CHORUS:
Graven A, never heard of fornication
Craven A, silly little fool
Craven A, quite, content with masturbation
Thought a cunt Was something you were called at
school.
His arrival at varsity was quite groteque,
He laid his great penis on the tutor's desk,
Said the tutor,"If it stays there in its present state
I'll be forced to use that penis for a paperweight." ;
CHORUS:
Now the tutor said,"There is one thing I must,impress,
You must not masturbate in academic dress. "*.'
So Craven just to show he didn't give a fuck
Tossed himself off on the inkwell shouting,"One for luck"
CHORUS :
How Suzy was the daughter of the landladys;>
She brought her cunt up every morning with a cup of tea
And she'd been done so often that the courts declare
Her vagina constitutes a public thoroughfare,
CHORUS*
—00OOO00—
44
PETE THE PIDDLING.PUP
A farmer's dog once came to -town,
His christian name was Pete;,
His pedigree was two miles long
And Ills looks were hard .to heat
And as he trotted down the road
TTwas beautiful to see
His work on every corner* ':
His work on every tree.
He watered every gate /way?
He never missed a post,
For piddling was his- masterpiece
And piddling was hi3 haastv:- „
The city dogs looked loningly on
In deep and jealous rage,
To see the simple country dogs
The piddler of his age.
Then all the dogs from far and wide
Y/ere summoned with a yell,
To sniff this country stranger.off,
And judge him by his smell.
They sniffed beneath his stumpy tail,
Their praise of him ran high,
And when one sniffed him underneath,
Pete piddled in his eye.
They smelled him over one by one,
They smelled him two by two,
And noble Pete in high disdain
Stood till they were through,
Then Pete to show those city dogs
He didn't give a damn3
Walked right into a grocer's shop
And piddled on a ham.
He piddled on the onions,
He piddled on the floor,
And when the grocer kicked him out,
He piddled on the door,
Behind him- all the city dogs decided what they would do,-
They'd start a piddling carnival
To see the stranger through.
They'd show him all the piddling posts,
They.knew all round the town,
They started off with many winks
To wear the stranger down.
They called the champion piddlers,
Who were always on the go,
And sometimes held a piddling comp.,
Or had a piddling show.
They, sprang this on him suddenly,
Y/hen halfway- through the town,
But Pete just piddled on and on,
And wore the champions down.
For Pete was with them every trick,
With vigour and with vim,
A thousand piddles more or less,
Y/ere all the'same to him.
So he was kicking merrily, with hind leg kicking high,
When most were lifting legs in bluff and piddling mighty
; dry.
On and on, Pete sought new grounds on which to lay the
Till every other dog-went dry, dust.
And gave up in disgust.
45
But on and on went noble Pete,
To water every ■ sandhill ,
Till all the city champions
Were piddled to a standstill.. ,
The Pete an exhibition gave
Of all the ways to piddle,.
Like "double trip" and'"family flip",
And now and then a -(!dribble" ..
And all the tme..the- country dog
Did neither wink'nor grin7
But piddled blithely out of town "
As he had piddled in.
The city dogs said "so long friend , ;
Your piddling fclefeats^us".
But no-one ever put them wise
That Pete had .diabetes?lll JU ^^ „**,._„.
^^S^-ooOOOoo— '■'-./.'''
THE CHINESE MAISp'
In the street of a thousand arseholes',
By the sign of the swinging .tit, "
There lived a Chinese maiden
By the name of Oo--Plung-Shit
CHORUS: Her greasy t-wot-'
Was forever hot.
She sa.t beneath the joss sticks,
With a smile of celestial bliss.
Hor breath like scented lotus
Her eyes like a pool of piss.
CH0RI3SS-
She thought of her lover a bastard,^ :
She thought of^ner pox-ridden beausV
She thought of .'the scores she'd had on the floors?
Then in walked Y/un-Hung-Low. -
CHORUS
"Oh come to me, you bag of shitJ"
He cried with cock in hsnd.
"My love for you -Till last' for hours
Like ice uffi^mysr aeseTr^anm !t--------- '
CHORUSt y
She raised herself on her starboard tit,
And idly s.cratehc-d her crack.
With smiles in her e^es, she looked at him,
And slie said,(iGo fuck your.hat".
--00OOO00—
X0UJ1 SPOONING., LAYS_ ■ ■ '
Your spooning da,ys are over,
Your pilot light is out?
Y.'hat used to be your sex-appeal
Is how your water spout.
You used to be embarrassed
To make the thing behave,
Por every blooming morning
It would stand-up and watch 'you shave. ;
But now you are growing old, it sure gives you the blues,
To see the thing heng down your.leg and watch you shine
your shoes.
46
SAi-IAHr SAL.
When oho evening sZrp oT?or Samari -
Is tin,r;otl a clUG.':y red: . *
-Uid the sun a crimson globe of 'flame .
Sips down past Ewato Head,
When the tall sea pines resounds to the whines
Of the nimble anophiles
Twas the time of day, old timers say,
^hoy buried old Dumfries.
i
Nov; those who have been to the tropics
Will know jwhat the sun can do,
-.tfhftTi .pri£Llga.,haBg, limp. lij£e,-.gAi£ ted... shrimps,......- . .. '
And testicles stick like glue;
When even a fart can't' raise a start
.—flaidjcDuJLlljicxJKir -noti-ae—the-Sjaoll,
You can-xmly clutch at tho base of" your-crtrbciv------
---Anr? -i!&el_-you* ve boon through .hell,
It was such a day at Lac,'
I coulJ^_ncit_jusi---'Strtr~up, __._ """'
__j&r-a-rae was glued to tlic^eair-of--tfre"--chair7' ""
"~ Like a rubber suction cup,
Whdn .a trader cove, picking his nos.o, ^^
An6^1ixaans---42i&^-faix!s--^roT?i til rtrnm,^-" W'.:....._ .._
JjJpun us the tale of old Jock McPholl,
As .hc.jaoodily sniffed at Ms. rum. ...>"
~----^rerw~-ii3--jlays" "lgopo~tfy'-JLD--aamaT,j^_-'''""'
—""Tt was much the same as now, .----'""—
There-..was only one bar, tho ""Evo.nl nS-^Star-"-,—'"
—JJuruhy a groasy-chow*.
_ IhisL_Sa±c£d&y night tho^aac^r"was....bright,
"'"For all the boyos woro in town* ■•'""
_J?hc..local., sluts picked.. aaans-^roEL-'thei-r'-ounts^,.--'
""' ^s thoy slipped their knickors down.
PJi"th-.^*s-cr'arcd'' fall of buttocks..,and— -thighs--------'"
. ...,0n a low sluns^idL-Ckcar-^bench,'
The A.D.O. was.having a.go
~~ JLt..a.j3jinfry-Kanaka wenchi ___.....
A planter tall flicked the~^ata;rboa-rd,"'T)a-ll-------
■ Of laushins-Pe-to- IfcG-rick
ir-.J?Jho.-^miled and casually burned
" The hair from that gent's prick-
""""A pink., cheeked, cadet, in. ^..lather- sweat _.....
----Was-pulllng himself in a glass,
While his mate gave a tug at a "two pint jug
"""That—was_Jammed into his-arse,...
...But ,±heyr""Vfcopped--tioe.ir fun at .tha-,r.Qar"of a 'gun
~~ And a voice like a north- aea. gala.,
__;'.f£iangwayr by G-od, you turd born sod.,
.^-•Ma£erway for Jock McPhail." ••'-.....—ti..........-...._
Now Jock was a man of the.j2amphell...alan^ *
Though hig-hr&eigr- ftxl ats...na-45ore.
—^■Though""He roamed the seas he -hailed...from"Dumfries...-
.---was Scot pure Scot to the core.
'The long low"line of hiff-schooner-fine""' .....'
Was .known-■in_.eveT*yi:port,
"-"-ttfaerrhe took his. ease, _like .a-Ubrth' Sea-'breeze^'
In inter-sexual sport.
• -■■FronL-JBaring. Strait to the-G-olden Gate .....
It had blazed a lusty■trails
Where countless whores had ample'cause
:._to recall.the name McPhail; . . ...
Paid" him.-welX'jLn trochus- shell,--
Had a wad of cash..in bank,
47
Had a heart of gold and a cock, I'm 'told,
As 'big -as an oxygen tank.
A whore in Singapore
Once made the boastful cry,
That alive or dead^ no man in bed
Her lust could satisfy-,
In the chilly dawn when the Scot had gone
By the light of the early . sun
With palsied hands; and ruptured glands,
She repaired the damage he'd done.
Some Dago scum with the courage of rum
Once made an illtimed jest,
Of- slipping an old brass cannon
Down the bade of the Scotsman's vest.
With a wriggle and slip and a python grip,
Jock clenched the cheeks of his arse,
And the watchers saw,"with awe,
Just a mass of twisted brass.
So he scudded east with his heart at ease,
And his stern sails set,
Though he'd been in strife with the cops at Fife,
For shagging a goat for a bet
He shouted loud all that hard day
At his sweating Kanaka crew,
"Tonight we get to Sanari
Or I laave your balls for stew".
. So up to the bar of the Evening Star
He strode with measured tread,
And the. local belles who knew him well,
Cringed bad;: in silent dread.
But he only smiled at a wayward child,
And v/aved his mighty code.
. "Why damn your eyes, do you think it wize
To triffle with Dumfries Jock?"
With legs astride and with conscious pride
He addressed the company.
"I dina fear there's a bastard here
Who willna drink wi'me?"
With a lusty cheer they surged nearJ
That wild and lawless crew.
But they stopped their noise
At the sound of a voice they knew,
Framed in the door was a painted whore,
Her vulva curled in a leer
"So there's the Jock with the outsized cock",
She said in a knowing sneer,
"That sort of prick wouldn't take a trick,"
And her arse was spread in a grin,
"It must have heen seised with some filthy, disease
For it looks, like a rolling pin."
Jock's blue eyes held a mild surprise
As he turned to gaze at the whore,
Those who knew what the prick could do
Timidly edged to the door.
At the sight of his face, they gave him space,
But he merely gazed at the tart,
And said never a word though the closest heard
The sibilent hiss of his fart.
Though you must admit she had plenty of guts,
This well built stocky maid,
And she was no fool though her only school
Was a brothel in Port Sais.
She'd sucked them dry from the Llorati
To the Panama Canal,'
Her very name brought her fame
They called her Sanari Sal.
48
But the hurley Scot never cared a jolt,'
So slipped of his pants and vest,
And twice his cock, like an earthquake shock
Pounded his hairy chest,
And thrice it rose and fell to his toes,
The foreskin flickered back,
And he pushed his ham like a battering ram
Through the mouth of that quivering crack.
With a hardly a pause at the gaping Jaws
Of that great fur-trimmed hole,
Yet some watchers saw, in that cavernous maw,
The hot flies playing bow Is.
The mouth of that womb soon closed like a tomb
On the confident smiling Jock,
And theni with a snap, she closed her trap
6n his unsuspecting, cock.
For a Japanese tart had shown her the art
In a spirit of Innocent fun
Though, twas ancient lore to the Nipponese whore,
Sal had never seen it done,
By twisting about the falopian tubes,
And contracting the walls of her twot,
She showed with pride how a pride could be tied
In a quite inextricable knot.
So the Scot was bound| he had never found
A dilema quite like this.
The watchers guessed by the sweat on his cheast
That something had gone amiss.
With a pig like grunt he tugged ' '. at her cunt,
G-ave a. groan you could almost feel,
But with neve, a squirm, her twat held firm,
With a grip like tempered steel.
lie vainly thought as a last resort of a A5 calibre colt
So the muzzle he passed up that red-rimmed arse,
Jamming it home with a jolt.
As the gun gave roar, the unruffled whore
Caught the slug in her teeth,
And twisting about, she spat it out
On the hardwood floor boneath. ,
Then Jock foil back from that deadly crack,
The painted whoro had won,
But Sal I was told, relaxed her hold
When she saw what sho had done,
She massaged his bum with boiling rum
But the time for that had passed,
"Take caro of your twot!" cried the gallant Scot,
And then he breathed his last.
Now you know whoro the giant mangrove stands
At the foot of Sabari Reach,
Whoro tho old deserted shit-house stands
5n the long gold sandy beach
At the close of tho day a Scottish clay
Was buried beneath the dunes
And the trunk of .a tree as you can still see
Was carved in some classic runes.
And still they say at the close of day,
When the sky is dualcy red;,
And tho sun a crimson ball of flame, . _„
Dl'os . down "o..r;t Vwj.t'o ".c,",d, ' " ■'.;
*..rhorc the is'X ,-jo^-pinos arc loud with the whine
Of - tho. niiiblc anopliilos,
And the white hawk's cry is a lullaby
And tho roar of tho s:urf is ceased^
49
Then th.oj.aIr is rent "by the CEmboli's lament
With the ill-t of the pibroches wail.,
As cock in hand on the coral strand,
Strides the ghost of Jock HcPhail
---00O00---
THE HARLOT OF JERUSALEM Virgin I
Come listen to my tale of woe ' „
It happened many years ago',
When women rarely answered "No11
Way down in old Jerusalem,
Hi Ho Kathoozalem Kathoozalem Kathoozalem '
Hi Ho Kathoozalem The Harlot of .Jerusalem
Bade in the days of good King Knut
There lived a lass, of ill-repute
In other words, a prostitute,
The harlot of Jerusalem.
She lived beside Jerusalem's walls,
And on these walls, she hung the balls
Of many a coot who tried to root
The harlot of Jerusalem.
There lived a student hy these walls
And though he only had one ball,
He fucked th*>r,i all, or damn-near all,
The harlots of Jerusalem.
One night, returning fron a spree,
Full of vitanins A and E,
Was accosted by Kathoozalem^
The harlot ^f Jerusalem,
Along there came an Israelite,-
A lusty bawling bastard shi.te
Who swore he'd come to spend the night'
With the harlot of Jerusalem
i * j>. ^ ' ■, :
He grabbed our hero by the crook^ "'■'., "- :
And swearing on the Holy Book. ».>-'"
He flung him into Gabriel's Brook
That flows through Jerusalem
He took her to a shady nook, ■■- . -r'
And from his pants the bastard t-ook . . ' - "
A penis like a buthcher's hooks '■ - --,'**, "'
'Twas known throughout Jerusalem. ; / ■
Our Hero, rising from his plight, ;-
G-rabbed that bloody Israelite
And stuffed him up with all his might - ;
The arse hole of Jerusalem,,
Kathoozalem, she knew her part,
She crossed .her legs^ let fly a fart
And out he flew like a bloody dart
Away across Jerusalem -
And buzzing like a .bloody.bee^
He caught his ba3j,s up,on a.tree
A warning for all to see ~. ''''.'
When passing through Jerusalem
She gave b^rth- to-illigits,
Little' shits with swinging tits,
They sola- tiieir fucks for threepeney bits:
The harlots Sf''.Jerusalem; '■-•■.
50 :
Tff$ h&r.i:at:..,o?. .w^altsm
" \ -virgin; 2}
In days of old there.lived a maid
Who used to dn a rnaring'trade . .
A prostitute nf in repute
Tiie harlct of Jerusalem
CHORUS
_ Hi fi'o Kaf c^yniem, Ear" cozalem,Xaf oosalem,
. ......Hi Ho Kafor,aaleiV.t3;:u.rlQt; of; Jerusalem
She lived vrithin thb palaco walls"
And round xhe walls T/ere hung the balls
Of ovary coot t hat tried t* root
The harlot nf Jerusalem.
-■,. Nearby them lived an arab tall
Who with ..hirj p::iol: could move 'a wall
It was the nrirle nf\nearly all'
The harlo'cr. ~r -oeru^alGin, • ■-.._
Ons night mt-:.mir-.g.;.:from a cpreo
He saw her there beneath a tree
And tow oil t.h^-1- -p~*v_ -night that, he
Would lay ,. _■ ..,1 „. ^UL>alc?m
Ho took hor to a s^ady nook -■
-lad from his' ;■, 'n .. ly he took
A penis like a (.-.tenets hook
The finej'; iri. Jcuaalem.
He* laid hor dor.n . "^.1 her baofc
And trj e£ -to ... ,v. \t up her crack
But hedn-no luol in ■'--ying to fuck
The harlot ■oi' jc-Ul'S": >m
Kafoo3al£;n she javn.- a {.runt
And with a snap ,jhc siiui; her cunt
And threw him high int<* 'the aky
• "* 'Far beyond Jerusalem-.
Away he f3ew acvoGS the sea
Acractf the fie a ofG-aliilee
And caught his buttocks! in a tree
Three leagues beyond Jerusalem.
And there he hangs unto this day
And seen by all who pass that way
The silly ape that tried to rape
The..harlot of Jerusalem.
--C0C00--
Blipl'C:.^ VJJIT_T.?0R TWO.
Daisy,Daisy s^ir.i me-your grassy, land
I'm half crazy; my cock is on the stand,
You are of the feminine gender
Tour crutch is soft and tender
You sit in front,.!! II tickle your cunt
On a bicycle built for two.
Johnny, Johnny shoTj me your long red cock
I'm half crasy wai'.tiug that sudden shock.
You are o:.v the masculine gender,
Your cor^k is lor.g and slender,
I'll, sit in front, you'll tinkle ffiy *unt
On a bicyole built for two
..-00^00—
5i
_THE_HARi,_0T__0?_J5R1JSAL|M_
(virgin 3)
In days of old there lived a maid,
1 prostitute, a renegade,
iWho plied her roaring, ,who.rey- trade,
Close by Jerusalem.
CHORUS:
Hi Ho Cafooaalem, Cafooaalem, Cafooaalem,
■Hi Ho Cafooaalem, the harlot of Jerusalem.
There lived pur hero by the wall,
Although he only had one ball,
He fucked the harlots one and all,
All around Jerusalem.
One day this town was sorely blight,.
With a dirty shit of an Israelite,
#ho vowed he'd, spend a pleasant night,
In .the cunt of- Cafooaalem.
He took her to a shady nook,
And from beneath his cloak he took,
A penis like a'reaping hook,-
■ TJie- scourge of all Jerusalem.
He laid her on the earthen floor,
And ground and ground on that- old whore,
Until his penis grew quite sore, .
The same as all .Jerusalem. ■ ■ .
Up- came our hero full of light,
And when he saw that .Israelite,
He shoved him up ;-ith all his might,
'The cunt of Cafooa.ale.rn.
Now' Cafooaalem she knew her part,
She squeezed her cunt and blew a fart, ■
And out he shot just like a dart,
Out of Jerusalem.
And buaaing like a bumble bee,
He left his knackers on a tree,
And there they are for all to see,
Outside Jerusalem.
■ --00O00--
_SH0]?_M5_THE_JM.Y_T0_G0_H0ME_
Show me the way to go home,
Said the girl on the Bondi beach,
I had a little swimsuit 'bout an hour ago,
But it's floated out of my reach,
And all that I have now,
Is seaweed, sand and foam,
So give me a page- of the Sunday Sun,
And show me the way to go home.
--ooOoo--
'' lHRP&GIHft_OK_
No cares have '"e to grieve us,
Mo pretty little girls to deceive us,.
All we need is a piss to relieve us,
As we go grogging on; - . ■
Grogging on, grogging on, (repeat)
As we go grogging on.
And we'll be full before too long,
As we go grogging on.
.-vooO.oo--
•52 j
LITTLE ANGELINE
She was sweet sixteen, and the village queen,
Pure and innocent.was Angeline I
Was a virgin still, never had a thrill! j
Poor little Angeline.
Now the local squire had a low desire,
Dirtiest bastard in the whole damn shire,
And he'd set his heart on the vital part
Of poor .little Angeline.
Came the .local fair and the squire was there,
Hasterhating on the village square,
When he chanced tq see the dainty knee
Of poor little Angeline.
As she raised her skirt to avoid the dirt,
She slipped in the puddle of the squire's, last
squirt,
And the sight that he saw made his rod grow raw
For poor little Angeline.
So he raised his hat and said "Your cat
Has been run over and is squashed quite flat,
Now my car's in the square, and I'll take you there".
Poor little Angeline.
Now that filthy turd should not have that bird,
But she.climbed right in without a word.
As they drove away you could hear them say,
"Poor little Angeline"..
They hadn't gone far, when he stopped the cars''
And took her"quickly to the nearest bars
Where he fed her gin, for to make her sinj
Poor little Angeline.
When he'd oiled her well, he took her to a dell
And there he gave her bloody fucking hell
And he .tried his luck on a low down fuck
Of poor little Angeline.
With a cry of rape he raised his cape,
Poor little Angeline had no escape,
How its time someone came to save the name
Of poor little Angeline.
Now the village blacksmith was brave and bold
And loved Angeline for years untold,
And he vowed he'd be true whatever they'd do to
Poor little Angeline.
But sad to says that very same day
The blacksmith had gone to tiail" to stay
Por coming in hia pants at the local dance
With poor little Angeline.
Now the window of the cell overlooked the dell
Where the squire with Angie was giving her hell,
And there upon the grass he recognised the arse
Of poor little Angeline,
When he saw them start,, he released a fart,
And blew the walls of the cell apart,
Then he ran like shita lest the squire should split
Poor little Angeline.
When he came to the spot, and he saw what was
what,
He tied the squire's . .'. penis in a double
reef knot.
As he landed on his guts, he was kicked in the
nuts
By poor little Angeline,
Oh, blacksmith do, 'cause.I love vou true,
And I see by your grousers. tha.t you love me too,
I stand undressed so do your level best".
Poor little Angeline.
The noise of this brawl had been heard by all,
" And as time passed, they were all enthralled
To hear the blacksmith shout,"Will you please
pull me out
Of poor little Angeline
53
The blacksmith's reputation for sustained masturbation
Was well known,throughout the nation,
But who made him cry on her very first try?
Poor little Angelina.
Now the rest of. this story will not take long,
For the blacksmith's penis was 4iust one foot ■ ,
long.
Was his pride and charm, as long as his arm,
Happy little Angeline.
--o6|oo---
7ay down in Alabav.a, where the bullshit lies thick,
The girls are so pretty and the cowboys are quick,
There lives Garalina, the Queen of them all:
GaraliLiia, Garalina, the cowpunchers whore.
She's easy, she's greasy, she works on the street.
Whenever you want her, she's always on heat.
So leave your flies open, she's after your moat,
And the stench of her quim knocks you clean off
your feet.
One night J. was riding way clown by the falls.
One hand, on my pistol, the other on my balls .
I saw Caralina a-using a stick
Instead of the end of a cowpunchers prick.
I caressed her, undressed her, and. lar-.d her dovm there,
And. parted the trosses of curly brown hair: .
Inserted the penis of my trusty horse,
And thon there began a atrange intercourse.
Faster..and faster and faster went my stood,
Until'Caralina rejoiced at the speed,
Then all of a sudden, my horse did backfire,
And blow Garalina right into the aire.
Up jumped Garalina, all covered in muckj
And said; "Oh, my dear, what a glorious fuck".
She pulled her pants up and. dropped dead on the floor,
And that was the end of the cowpucher's whore.
7--00O00---
M3H. .NIGETJE. frELT TII5 PANG-S OF L0':.r DESIRE.
Last n.\ght I folt the pangs of low desire:
I pulled, my wire, I pulled my wire.
Last night, I pulled my pud, it did me good:
I knew it would, I knew it would,.
Thrash it, smash it, crash it to the floor,
Squoozo it, toaso it, catch it on the door,
Some believe inbuggary, other's say fucking's no good,
But for personal enjoyment, I'd rather pull my pud.
—-00O00---
THE SHITH0U8S SLUES
Dan, Dan, the sanitary man,
Suporintondant on tho lavatory pan,.
He puts out the paper and ho changes the towels
Accompanied by the rythym of the rumbling bowels.
Hot shit'. I got tho shithouso blues
Hot shitl 1 wanna do it in my shoes.
---00O00---
5 4 . ■.•■■''
GHAR_LpTTS_TH_E HARLOT "■
- I was riding through Texas where1.the bullshit
lies thick,
I.was riding through-Texas with my hand on my
prick, ..■■■■•"
When I suddenly saw hep, the girl I adore,
- Twas. Charlotte the Harlot the cowpuncher's
whore, ' ...
CHORUS:
She's easy, she's greasy,' she lives on the
streets.
. And whenever you see her, she's always on heat,
She'll do it for a dollar,, come less or
come more,
She's Charlotte the Harlot the cowpuncher's
whore„
■ She lay on the bed and was feeling quite fit
When all of a sudden, she felt like a shit,
So she up with the window and out with her arse,
Pity help the poor bastard who happened to pass.
Chorus s
The poor old night watchman was pounding his heat,
Up and down, up and down, up in the street,
When he heard great thunder, he looked up in the
sky,
And a bloody great turd hit him right in the eyef
Chorus s
The poor old nightwatchman was blinded for li£e
With seven screaming kids and a syphillitic wife,
You'll see him on the corner of Market and Pitt,
With a sign round his neck saying,"Blinded by shit".
Chorus;
—00OOO00—
CHARLOTTE THE HARLOT LAY DYING
Charlotte the Harlot lay dying
A piss hat supporting her head
The blowflies were around her
She rolled on her left tit and said;
CHORUSs I've been fucked by the army, the navy
By a bullfighting toreador,
By dingoes and drongoes and dagoes,
But never by maggots before,
So roll back your dirty old foreskins
And give me the cream of your nuts
So they rolled back their dirty old foreskins
And played "Home Sweet Home"on her guts,
Charlotte the Harlot repented
She'd never have another bangs
She ..wanted to go to heaven,
She lay on her right tit and sangj-
Chorus s-
Charlotte the Harlot was buried?
The town was quieter than before;
But one night at the local brothel|
Her ghost it appeared at the door.
Chorus:-
55
WE ARE THE ENGINEERS- .-
Wo are, we are we are we are we are the Engineers,
We can we can we can- we can demolish forty "beers j
So come along my merry "Dots, and. come and drink with us,
For we don't give a damn for any old man that don't give
a fuck for us,
My father was a hunter who was practising to shoot,,
!!y mother was 'a mistress from a house of ill repute,'
The last timo that I saw them, these words rang in my ear^
Get out of here you son of a hitch and join the Engineers.
A maiden and an Engineer wore sitting in the park,
Tho Engineer was busy doing researches after darki
His scientific method was a marvel to observe,
While his right hand wrote tho figures, his loft hand
traced the curve.
The Army and the Navy wore out to have some fun;
Down to tho local boozers where tho fiory liquors run^
But all they found were empties for the engineers had come*
Sir Francis Drake and all his ships sot out for Calais Bay,
They hoard tho Spanish rum fleet was heading out that way,
But the Engineers had boat thorn by a night and half a da£,
And though they drank for 3,11 that time, you still could
hoar thorn say ..
'Now Caesar went to Egypt at the age of fifty throe,
But Clcopa. tra's blood was warmi hor heart was young & froo
And every night when Julius said "Goodnight," at 3 o'clock*
Thoro was a Roamin1 Engineer waiting round tho block.
G-odivo was a lady who through Coventry did ride,
To show tho local yokels the colour of hor hidc-i
My father who was standing there an Engineer of course
Was tho only poor bastard who noticed that G-odiva rode a
horse*
She said "I've come a long way^ and I will surely go as far
'With tho man who takes me from this horso and leads me
to a bar11.
Tho man who took hor from her- stead and shouted her a boor
Was a wocl-drosscd, perfect gentleman,- a drunken Engineer.
—ooOoo—
THE CLEAN SONG
There once was a sailor, ho looked through his glass
And spied a fair maiden with scales on hor
Island where seagulls fly over tho nest
Sho combod the long hair that hung over her
Shoulders and caused it to tickle and itch
The sailor cried out there's a beautiful
' Mermaid out sitting there on the rocks
The crew cam a running a grabbing thoifc
Glasses all eager to share in this piece of news
That the Caotain soon heard from tho
Watch. Ho put on his pants which ho kept by tho door
In case ho might somoday encounter a •
Mermaid. Ho know ho must use all of his wits
T,Crying throw out a line, we'll lasso hor
Flippers. Fall ing free soon after tho farce
Sho splashed in tho waves and foil flat on her
After coming with spleen
This song may socm dull but It's certainly
CLEAN.
—ooOoo—
56.
DANIEL
Back in the days of good Mng Yfackernaekeroff, there
lived a man who was called Daniel. And it came to pass that
Daniel.wrote''Arseholes' on the king's shield, Nov in those
days, it was-no mes,n feat to writ© 'Arsoholes1 on the
kihgss shield,' so Daniel 'was "banished to the lion's den
forthwith^ At the- sight of Daniel in the lion's den, the
lion shatteth a mighty shit, 4-0 cubits wide and thirty cubit
high. "Shit51 cried Daniel. "Right first time,11 replied the
king, and the drinks wore on Daniel,
So ©aniol picked up a giant turd & flung it-at the king
smiting him between the eyes. "Shit" cried the king; "Right
first time" said Daniel, and this time drinks were on the
king. At this the king swore for blood, & ordered Daniel
to battle; so Daniel took a lion and threw its loft ball
its baek& its"right one over its neck. "It tickles," cried
the lion, -'What tickles?" - "Testicles" and this time
drinks were on the lion.
"COME FORTH" shouted tho king, so Daniel, throwing his
left testicle over his right shoulder, his right testicle
over his loft shoulder, ran, came fifth & was disqualified?
and this time tho drinks were definitely on Daniel. The
King waxed exceeding wrath.
"Bring mo my Brass Bound Buggaring Box, my CuR-oncrustcd
Circumcising Scissors, my Hotal Koulded Kasturbatihg Ilachine
Bring mc my Copper Coated Copulating Can^my Knurled Nickel
'Nackor Knocker'and my Tungsten tippod Twot Tweezers."
"I hate little girls, thoy split."
Also present were Good Queen Vagina, her daughter, Princess
Pearlyarse, and the Duchess of Dork, with forty maidens
riding their menstrual cycles, 12 eunuchs playing on their
strings, 10 strong men playing their.phallic symbols, and
Jock Strapp & his elastic band playin; the latest poxtrot,
'Tools rush in where fingers should have led^"
"Shit'cried the queen, & 40,000 loyal arseholes
strained in unison, for in those days the Queen's word was
law. Drinks were on the Queen. a
"Fuck me" cried the Duchess, but not solitary soul
stirred? save the court jester, who stepped forwards candle
in hand and said, "■ Here," go fuck yourself". Drinks were on
the Jester.
"Fuck me" cried the Princess, and thousands died in the
rush. Daniel being the ablest man,; advanced prick in hand,
grabbed the.Princess by the lily white'lips of her vagina,
and drew her on like a well worn Russian jackboot. Drinks
were on the King.
—oOo—
GOLIATH
Also of great fame during those days of the good king.
was a mighty mountain man who was G-oliath.. And .it came to
pass that G-oliath came down from the mountains into, the
mighty City of Jerusalem. Herein he went inUo the .Synagogue
and took unto himself a gontlo maiden. This maiden he took .
into the wilderness, where he ravished her for forty days
& forty nights. After this time, he raised himself, from tho
mighty task, and turned again for tho high .mountains.'
Tho maiden also rose & ran after him, crying "G-oliath,
Goliath, I am with child, what stops will you take?"
Goliath replied, "Bloody long ones?
— ooo—
THE OLD APPLE TREE.
Under the shade of the old apple tree,
Through a hole in her pants I could soe^
A little black spot, some call it a twot,
It was making queer faces at mel
So I pulled out my Bell of Now York,
And plugged it right up like a cork.
She cried out in glee, "Take it out while I pee^
Under the shade of tho old apple tree.
—ooOoo—
57
SUNSTROKE SYPHILUS AND VARICOSE VEINS.
You wake in the morning in a terrible rago
Your mouth it feels like, an unswept ca£e.; . ("brains.
You've got load in your pants, you've'got flufif in your
You've got sunstroke, syphilus and varicose -voins.
Chorus: Sunstroko, ayp£aSis and '-varicose veins, (repeat)
The agony goes'"but the order., remains, s, s & v v.
He calls. In..the-specialists front- all nations, "
They say youTvo got the usual ■■complications
The sunstroke loses and the syphl'lus gains,'
And for the rest of your life youTve got varicose veins'.
Your legs you realise are far ^from limber
Your teeth they chatter like a "baby marimba - ■''*
You call in the doctor and ho* explains • '
You've got al s & v.v'.
They send for a priest he is irate-;
He says your life 'must celibate. '
You avoid,.emotional and muscular strains
TCos you^'vo got s, s & v.v. ■ -
(3rd lino chorus) You're 'full" of genital and vascular pains',
It starts with a love affair In the s,unj
The beaches of. Jamiaca are made for fun
The activity all'your energy drains,
You're loft with sj s & v.v. ._ ( mains.
(3rd-line chorus) yeu.foel like your water is cut off at the
Tho doctor costs money and the priest does too
And whon they're done you havo'nt a souii
And all you've got to show for your pains Is sj s & v.v,
(3rd"lino chorus) Your legs thoy feel like rusty chains.
The advertising boys hear of your case
Testimonials fill every space
Chlorophyll .for sunstroke and tho syphillus stoma.
And you take- a powder for the varicose veins. .
(3rd lino chorus) You're In the host of financial domains'.
Sunstroke'^ syphillus and varicose veins, (repeat)
Tho agony goes on but the order remains s, s & v.v^
— ooo—
Moorland Hqk
Chorus -At four sheepskins she'll,do i-t, she'll do it
At four sheepskins she.'Xl do It agin1
At four cowshorns she'll do it till morn
And merrily turn and do it again.
Among our young lassies is Moorland Meg
She'll beg you to do. itj she'll bog and she'll b'cgi
At thirteen her maidenhead flow to tho gate
And the door of her cage Is wide open yet*
Her kettle black cyoe want to tickle you so
Her lips seem to say oh love mo,please do,,
Tho curls and the kinks of her bonoy black hair
Would put you In mind the lassie has morel. , -
An arm full of love and bosom so plump '^
A span of delight Is her middle and rump^
A taper white log and a stomach in stylo^
And a fiddle nearby, you can play for a while ii
For lotsre's her delight and kissing's her pleasure ■ "
She'll stick at her price and give you full measure ■:
So take her warm hand man or bettor her log
-And sing of tho praises of.Moorland Meg.
—ooOoo—
58
JOHE_____??§§EHMAK_
good _morning Mr FishefmanJ Good rooming said he*
Have you any lobsters you can sell to me.
Chorus:-
Singing r.3 tiddly ofa,
SJltit or "bust ,'■-'"
Never let your bollocks; dJamggLe in the dust.
Oh yes air yes sis, I have'two,
I -will sell the biggest one of them, to your
-Well I took that lobster home- with me,
AnaiE I ;@xt it where my missus; has a pee*
Now early in tfie morning my missus hadt to gp,
To that place' to* lejr &er water flow*
Now the- lobsyer thought what a dirty stunt,
So Hce stretched! his claws and nipped her in the cunt,
The missus let out a mighty yell,
Took off across the room like a "bat out of hell.
Now the moral of this story I will tell to thee,
Always have a sftufti brfore you have a pee.
Now we've come to the encE, and" there is no more,
There1*s an.apple in my arsehole and-you can have the eore.
Now jBfaLs really is the- end, no more will pass: my lips,
tjsere's an orange up my arsehole and you can hawe tlte pips.
-----00O00—-
NO .BUXS AT' ALL ' . ,' '
Way down in Albertax where the bullshit lies thick,
Where the cowboys are randy and the babies come .quick,
■ Ihere lives my. Lena the girl I adore-, ,
Lena, Lena ,th© cowpunche;r*s whore.
Chorus:-
No trails at all, no balls at all,
She married the man with hd balls at all.
0 Father dear I wish I were wed,
1 long to be fucked in a nice feather bed,
For as' it is now I get fucked in the grass,
And the bloody scotch thistles go right up my arse,
Lena and a cowboy ohe day they were wed,
And the very first night w&en they climbed into bed,
She felt his penis, .his penis so small,
She felt for his balls, he had no balls at all, "
0 Mother dfear Mother I wish I were dead,
For- the very first ni ght when we climbed into bed,
1 felt for his penis, his penis so small,
And I felt for his bajlls, he had no balls at all.
0 Daughter dear Daughter, please don't be sad, ■ !'
For the very same troouble your dear daddy had,
But there's many the man who will answece the call, ..
Of the wife of the raaan who has no balls at all,
So Daughter dear Daugghter, took mothers advice,
And found the proceed&ings exceedingly nice,
A bouncing young bab;>*r was born in the fall; ■
To the wife of the maan who has no balls at all.
-—ooOoo—— ■• '
59
THE SHISE OF ARABEE ..
There was a shick of Araboo? Ride on, Ride on,'
There was a sMgii of Arabcc, " ■ !~ ■ c. • ""
A buggering fuggcring bastard he . .
With a swaggerring pole right down. to Ms linco,
Rido on you buggars ride on. r .-
(on.
He called for his. punueh at half past nine,' Ride, on,' Ride
He was 'back in v/' flash 'with- a lady gay*
She made for..^thc^bed & on it lay " ■
He was on hor; and in, her and wo riding-- away,
Rido on .you buggers, ride on.' ''•■.)';
Ho was over & under & cum some ;mores Ride on Rido on,"
;r i! 11 u n ii it it n
The biankfe't wa"s' sSirbddod & wot. with-gerej,' t ;";'
The springs gave-'nfey and-they hit t'tio\J:i"o:orJ' :L\''
Rido on you buggars; ride on. " " '"' .
They hit the floor with a terrible'c'raclc Ride on-" ri'de- on,
ii ;i ii tr i; si rr ■ ' ii ■ • ■ ■ ?•?. -
The poor girl split from the front "to the bacli.,' . . ...
And the shoilc's proud'horn was forever sl'dcR^ ~ ' "''"
Rido on you buggars rido on. .,.,.. , T . .
How here's the moral. for^pno.-ancL. ail.,' Ride oil Rixfco on'
ii ii ;i ii it ■ ii Yi ■ -it '■ "■
If you want to malce out & youjro scared to fall,
Just lay hor standing against.the wall,
Ride on you buggars- ride onii
—00O00—
I PUT m HAMS IB m POCKET --•
I put my hand in my pocket, pulled out a penny
She said for that you won't got any.
Chorus So come tie my root round a tree, round a tree
Come tic my root round a tree. .
I put .......nickel.,
She said "Young man.your wasting your time."
I Put ... quartcr9
She said "Young man I'm a minister's daughter."
I put....... a half
She didn't say nothing, just started to laugh,
I put ..;... a dollar,
She took my hand and put it in her collar
I put...... a five,
She said "Come inside and I'll see if you're alive."
Oh I-rode.hor standing and I rode hor lying,
And if she'd had wings I'd havo rode hor flying."
I wont to the doctor 'cause my gun was sore;
Good lord said the doctor, it's the same damn whore.
■You can put away your holster you can put away your gun;
The barrel's been split and your shooting days arc done
The last time I- saw .her, .and I haven't soon her'since,
She was' hustlin' a bull through a barbed wire fenced
—oo§)oo—
SSXIATUS I-IANIA.
Sexiatus mania-; Frustratum randium, Sexiatus mania,
Frustratatunt randium, Prostitutun contraception. • '
Hand ct fingum masturbatun, Satisfactor rclicviuii
satisfactor rolicviun.
60
OH) KING COLE
Old King Cole was a merry old soul,
Afid a merry old soul was he.
He called for his wife in the middle of the night;
.And he called for hia fiddlers three,
Now every fiddler had a fine fiddle and a very fijje fiddle had he,
Fiddle diddle dee fiddle dee said the fiddlers merry men'are we,
There's none so fair as can compare with the "boys of L.JUC.
•. ••.»»*for his drummers three
Kow.iSveryr-^uiBmer: had, a fine drum- and" a-very fi^-drum. had he*
■-■'■" " Humj>-tiddly„.um tiddly-nun. said, the drummera,. • ,-efco.
•for his..flutera three.. ........-■-
Sow every fluter had a fine flute .......
And a very fine flute .had he,.- ' ' *
Eiwfrs itiddly oot*....
for-his Juggjterss three,-
Bow every juggler had a fine-ball...-.—
$bsg; r^r ball. 3ik the. air- -sai& the ^ug^Ler*.. ,.*
....... for Ms painters thrco,
Now ovory painter had a fine brush end a ...
Slap it up and down up and down said the painters •-••
«*«••• for Ms tailors three,
Now every tailor had a fine noddle ...
Thread it in and out in and out said the tailors ..
...... for Ms coalmen three,;
Mow'overy coalman had a fine sack ...
Put it in the front not tho back said the coalaon ..
...,. for his'butchers three,
Now every butcher had a fine block.....
Slap it on the block lop it off said tho butcher ...»
... .... for Ms fishermen' throe,
Nov; evory fishermen had a fine fish ....
I've got ono this long said tho fishermen ,j.
—00O00—
Road TO THE ISLES
I was seated on the sMthousc with, ny head bo two on riy knees
And tho shadow of my prick against the wall," (my prick,
WMlo- tho hairs wore getting longer twixt my arseholo and
And tho rats were playing billiards with my balls.
Now ny namo is littlo ■fcillyjl'm a whore froa Picadilly,
And my mother owns a brothel in the Strand,
While my father sells his ars_ehole 'neath the gates of
Windsor Castle,
We're the finest fuckin1 family in the land.
There's a gentleman's convience, just behind the Waterloo,
And a ladies on the other side of town.
For a sMlling on deposit you can hire a watercloset,
And a season ticket costs you half a crown J
Chorus Oh you can fuck me; you shag me, *
You can fuck me till you're silly
We're the biggest pack of bastards.in the land".
—00O00—
jlAJJAI-IOISELLE FROM AHENTI3RES
A German, officer crossed the line, parlcz vous
To rape the women and drink the wine
Inky pinky, parlc vous.
The officer camo to a wayside inn
He opened the door and walked right in.
"Oh landlord.have you a roon to spare
A roon for no and a stall for my mare
Oh yos I have a roon to spare
One for you and one for your marc
Oh landlord have you a daughter fair
With eiIIky tit and long fair hair
Oh yes I havo a daughter fail-
With milky tits and long fair hair
But surety s.lio is much to young
She's only 13 and never bei . done.
Oh father I am not too young
I've already been fucked by the parson's son.
So up the stairs the two of them went
She came down with her knees all bent.
He laid her on a laundry box.,
Ho gavo her a poke and she gave hin the pox
Then up tho stairs and into bed
Ho fucked her till he was noarly dead
And when he'd filled the roon with spunk
The dirty buggar did a bunk
The first throe months all was well
The second throe nontho she began to swell
Tho last throe months she gave a grunt
And a little black buggar jumped out of her cunt
Tho little black buggar he grew and ho grow
And now he's fucking tho women too'.
The little black buggar ho v/ont to hell
And now he's shagging tho devil as well
--00O00--
THE BALLS OF 0'LEARY
Tho balls of O'loary, are great, big and hairy,
Capacious and spacious like tho dome of St. Pauls,'
The people all nustor to see the great cluster,
A groat dirty pair, all covered In hair
01Leery 's balls.
The cum of O'loary Is rod hot and steamy"t
Squirting and spirting like a Wairakei Bore,
The people all scatter when* they feel tho great splatter
Of a slier; thick sea, all running with pee,
O'loary1s balls,
The tool of O'Lcary is long strong and knobbly,
G-igantlc, romantic, like Pisa's great tcwor.
Tho women start shivering when thoy feel it quivering
A dirty groat prick almost throo inches thick,"
O'Loary's balls.
62
PUB-'WITH NO BESR
It's a bastard away from woman and. all,
With a pain in the guts from great lovers balls,
But there's nothing so lonely, shocking or queer,
Than to knock off the barmaid whoTs got gonorrhoea.
The publican's anxious-for the chemist to come, *'
He's looking with lust at the barmaid's big bum,
TTo's ucrXtlrV..-.toirg-ivo her^-a--belt up the back,
But without a "french letter he might get the jack,
The stockman rides in with a masterly stroke,
And takes off his pants to give her a poke,
But the look on his face soon turns to a snear,
When the barmaid informs him she's gone' in the rear,
The swaggie strides in while undoing Ms fly,
And says "G-ive me a poke or I'll piss in your eye"
Tho stockman $unps' up and sa3''s "Don't do it mate"
But the swaggie replies "Its too bloody late". . .
Old Billy the blacksmith for tho first time in his life
Goes home with a hard on to his darling wife..
As Tie waits in the bedroom she say's with a sneer,
"Without-a. fronch letter you'll get nothing here"..
There's a dog on the veranda still suffering from shock
He's just seen the size'of old Billy's cock.
He dashes for cover and cringes in fear,
"Billy's sure to root something, I'm moving from here."
---00O00---
THE DOG-HOTyERS STROTTERS BALL.
I know a girl on the edge of town,
She's a bloody backbreacker from the navel down.
■She's got a cunt like a teapot coi'er,
And crabs on her arse are fucking one another.
Now he's got a prick like a wireless pole,
If he misses her cunt it's goodbye arsehole. :,
Now they're shagging in the grass,
He's stuffing inches up her arse,
As he waves goddbye to his old canoodling balls.
Roll over Jlabol, it's drier on the other sido^
Drunk with on, can't piss I
'---00O00---
LOVERLY
All I want is a room somewhere,
Fifty yards from Leicester square,
I'd take all ny boyfriends there,
0 wouldn't it be loverly. ;
A little red light to show you in,
A bath tub there full up with gin^
We'll saturate in sin; 0 wouldn't it be loverly.
0 so loverly bouncing up and down upon a bed
Sometimes we'd do it down upon tho fire-side rug instead.
Someone's hand resting on my knee,
Slowly creeping up on me,'
What can his method bo?
1 hope that it is loverly , loverly,.........loverly.
---ooOoo---
63
CHARLOTTE THE HARLOT
Virgin 3
Way out on tho prarxe where tho bullshit is thick,
Where wai on arc wo"ion and. cowboys arc quick,
There li\>es pretty Charlotte tho girl I adore,
The pride of the prario, tho cowpuncher's whore.
Chorus:-
It's Charlotte the harlot tho girl I adoro,
~?k._ pr:'.L.^ oil tL.'. prario, , th. oo".;_:v_-.;.ohor?s whore.
She's dirty she's vulga,r she spits in tho street,
Why whenever you want her she's always on heat,
She'll lay for a dollar tako less or more,
She's Charlotte the harlot tho cowpunchorfe whore.
One day in the canyon no pants on her quim
A rattle snako saw her and flung himself in,
How Charlotte the harlot gives cowboys tho frights",
Tho only-vagina that wriggles and Mtos.
Ono day on tho prario while riding along
My seat on the saddle :\y roigns on my dong^
When who should I see but tho girl I adore
Tho pride of tho prario, the cowpunchor's whore.
I got off my pony I reached for hor cracky
But tho darn thing was rattling and fighting ho back.
I took out my pistol and aimed at its head
I missed the da:.?, rattler and shot hor insteadii
Well hor funoral procession was forty ■ :i:_-~ long
With a chorus of cowboys all singing thi-; j-.:/*r
"Hero lies a young maiden who never k^'ot jcmCJ
Young Charlotte the harlot, tho o".rpui.ch-rlc whor-j,::
---00O00---
_ ALL THS GIRLIES LI^ a CANDLE
All tho girlies like a candle,
All the girlies like a wick,
Because there's something about a candle
That rominds thorn of a prick.
Hico and greasy slips in easy,
It's a virgins pride and joy.
There's a box upon the shelf,
Get one down and fuck yourself.
Only ono and six a bo:;,
And entirely free from pox,
Ship ahoy sailor boy.
---00O00---
HELLIE. DARLING-
Oh I love the s'iiell of nellies perspiration,
This little ono cannot have to much.
But I uako one tiny stipulation,
That its bettor from your armpits than your crutch.
Oh your arsoholc's like a stovepipe, Hollio darling,
And the nipples on your tits aro turning grocn.
Thoro's a yard of lint protruding from your vulval
You're the ugliest fucking bitch I've over soon.
There's a thousand crabs a'crawling round your arsohole,
And when you piss, your piss's green as grass.
There's enough wax in your cars to make a candle,
So make one dear and shove i,t up your arse.
----ooOoo---
64 ■
THE HIG-HLAHP LASSIE ■ . ■- "
There once was a lassie, with a big hairy twotty,'
Who was lifting up her skirtics,
. For the wee highland Lien.
Oh then there was a nannio,' with an upstanding' cocky,'
Who was going up the lasslo with the big hairy twotty;
Who was flinging up her skirtios for the wee highland' nen.
Then there was a nannio with, a woo pair of glass©si
Who was watching tho nanie with the upstanding cocky,
Who was going up ,.;.
Then there was a nannio with a great big dagger,'
Who was going to stab tho nannio with the woo pair of glasses
Who was watching ».i.
Oh thou thoro was a nannio with a double barrelled shotgun
Who was going to shoot tho nannio with tho groat big dagger,
Who was going to stab,.,,."
Oh then, tborc was a pollccnan with a great big truncheon
Who was going to hit tlio nannie with tho double barrollod
Who was going to shoot .., shotgun
Oh they all got together and thoy all had a party,
And they all fuckod tho lassie with tho big hairy'twotty
Who was lifting up nor skirtios
For the wee highland nen
—oooOooo-—•
KEYHOLE Iff THE DOOR
I loft the party early, it was' barely half past nine,
And hy a stroke of bloody good luck her room was close to
(nine.
And so like bravo Columbus "9 now regions to' explore,
I tooli up ny position at the keyhole In tho door.
CHORUS :- In tho door.(2)
I took up ny position at the keyhole In tho door.
Seated by tho fireside her toes she chose to warn (forn.
And only a little white shinny on to cover her lilly white
And as she took that shinny off I couldn't have asked for
C uoro.
I thought I saw her do it through tho keyhole in tho door.
I knocked with troubling fingers upon that wooden doer,
And after several seconds had crossed tho threshold floor.
!&ad so to stop all others fron seeing what I had soon before
I stuffed that little white shinny through tho keyhole In
(the door.
That night I slept in clovor and nany things bosldos;
And on that 1111J white belly I had nany a glorious ride,
And whoa I woke next morning, ny prick was stiff and sore,
It felt as though I had shoved it through keyhole in the
(door.
And now all you astronomers, who think you are so wise,
G-aaing through your telescopes into the starry skies,
Just think again upon v/hat I have said,
Your telescopes have fuck all on the key hole In the door.
—oooOooo—
There was a young girl from North Sydney
Who could take men up to her kidney
One chap by heck shoved It up to her neck
He had a long one didn't he.
--09D0 CECf-
THE PEN IS MIG-HTIER THAN TEE SWORD
One evening when trie Duchess was preparing for a ball,
She espied tlie village tinker pissing up against the wall.
Chorus
With his 12" kidney viper,1 halls like pigeon's peas,
Half a yard of foreskin hanging down "between his knees
Hanging down inches thick,
Hanging down, what a prick,
Half a yard of foreskin hanging down below his knees.
Mounted on his charher, forward he did ride (side.
With his prick upon his shoulder, & Ms balls down by Ms
He rode into the courtyard & on into the hall,
God save us cried the Duchess,' . he's come to fuck us all.
First he did the chambermaid up against the wall,
.Then he did the butler,'twas the dirtiest deed of all.
(wick,
He called up to the duchess, who took out her pleasures
And prepared her great vagina for the tinker's mighty prick,
fie did her on the hallway, he did her on the stairs,
And then the constant frictio set alight to all her hairs.
The Duchess screaked with ecstasy, & then began to shout,
So the tinker cocked his leg up, & pissed the fire out.
The Duchess was well worn now, & fainted with desire,
So the tinker changed his timing £ relit another fire.
The tinker's balls were shrunken, his penis red and sore,
So unplugging from the Duchess he retreated out the door.
The Duchess wrote a letter & on it she did say,
That she'd rather have the tinker than her husband any day.
The tinker got the letter & as ho began to read
His prick began to fester & Ms balls began to bleed.
They say he did the devil when he went down to hell
And though I wasn't there to see it, i bet he did him well.
—0O0—
THE HARRYING- BUND.
If I were the marrying kind, Sir
And you can bet I'm not, Sir
The girl I'd choose to share my bed
Would be a ..............gi^l, Sir.
' Cos I would ....... =,......and she would.........
And we would.............. together
Oh what fun in the middle of the night
..........,ing hard together.
—ooolSooo—
WAY DOWN IN THE VALLEY
Way down in the valley
Where nobody goes
There lives a young maiden
Without any clothes
Along came a swaggle, all tattered and torn
Dovni went his britches and up went his horn
Three months later all was well
Six months later she began to swell
Nine months later she gave a grunt
And six little swaggies lept out of her cunt.
---ooojooo---
66
.LOVES ALPHABET
A Is for art the word that he uses
B Is for "blush, as she gently refuses
C is the creep of Ms hand up her legs
. D Is the don't that she timidly "begs
E is the excitement as his hand creeps higher
F is the feeling of helpless desire
G- is the gasp as hor pussy he touches
E is the helples.s.-ness-she..f.eelE..in.-his clutches
'I is- the- Itch -that, makes .her. feel ...hot.
J,is ..the jump as he touches., her twat
K is- the...]tiss. that, .makes" it feel good
L is for love that all'tests* has stood
H is the move that' they' make- for-the bed
JT is-■the neat way her legs are outspread -■"""■
"■"0. is.-the-opening her two legs 'reveal ■
.2? is-the penis gigantic and peeleed
"Q is %he .quiver she give's when it^'In,.
R ;±s- -for. rapture when sweet "bliss "begins
S' IS'-the-s-troko- growing stronger and stronger
T .is'■■the. .throb.-she'd like' to "be.'longer
11 is the. unison-which sweetly flows
W is the'wish to do It'again..
. X Is the-extent of pleasure and pain
Y is the yearning, that, makes them fool sick .
Z is- the zambuck he .put's on hi-s prick.
---00J3 #00'--- -
■..""' ' \ THE HARLOT OF JERUSALEM (virgin.4-)
Come' listen to my' talc of woo
It happened many years ago ■ ...
When women .rarely answered -no
Way down in old Jerusalem %
. CHORUS Hi, ho Kafoozalem
Harlot of Jerusalem , '
prostitute -of ill repute . .
And daughtorof the Ba Ba..
Mow -Safooaalom was a wiley hitch
A hoary whore a brazen bitch
She causoth all the lips to twitch
That liveth in Jerusalem
. .. .There was a prince both, dark--and tall
His .manly arch made all to fall
Whose victims lined the ..waiting .wall - ■
That standcth in Jerusalem
Ono night returning from a -spree' .
His customary loar had he
Looked down, the road., and chanced to.see
That brazen bitch ICafoozalom
-With cunning eye and shady look, .
' " She led him to a shady nook
. .. And to hor'bounteous'bos-om took - '
' ' ' The. pride -of all Jerusalem
Bow he was -too abrupt alas-'
And so he made a'hasty pass
■ -That sent her flying into the grass
That grows in old Jerusalem
Now Kafoozalem was over gassed
- She arched her back and loosed.a blast '
That sent him flying far' and fast
Sailing o'er Jerusalem . ■■
■ How when the moon is bright and red
A flying form- sails ever head
Still raining curses'on the head
Of that brazen bitch Kafoozalem.
. ---ooo 5 oo°---
■6i: . . . a
BLINDED BY TURDS. c?
----------------- . ^
There once was a woman who lived on our street,
Her passage was blocked up by too much .to^at
She took stomach oils without reading the~ "box
Before she could strip, turds were flying \Xlze rocks.
Chorus Tooraloo tooralay. ' .'Dlc!
A rolling stone gathers no moss so they'Way^
Sing along with the birds ' °\ t°A
It's a wonderful song, but it's all ab^t^prds,
She ran to the window and stuck out 'her^arse .nnnnniiiiiiiiyii
Just at the moment a cowhand did pass ' fflllHi H HHIi HHHH8
He heard the strange noise & gazed up on high
And a mighty great turd hit him , right in the eye
He ran to the East and he ran to the West
When a further consignment arrived on his chest
He fled to the North & he fled to the South
But a bllody great turd hit him right in the mouth.
Now the next time you walk over Flat Hlver Bridge '
Be kind to the cowhand asleep on the ridge/
His chest bears a placard where on are these words
,!Be kind to a cowboy who was blinded by turds.
—■ cfe~ '.;
THE GREAT BIG WHEEL
Oh a cowboy told me before he died '-"'
And Ijve got no reason to think he lied . .'..
That though he tried for most of his life"''1"'
He just never could satisfy his wife.
Chorus. ,-„
Round and round, went the great big wheel . '■*
In and out went a rod of steel t lJi ., ;
I'll lay you money on a sure fire bet ■ '.",,;;,?
That the great big wheel is turning yetV.fr :i;'~
So he mounted up a great big wheel '.-'/«* f w * i, - * ? w ' t -. ■ ■■ *,.
There upon a rod of steel H^y^NHH^h^u^
Two brass chambers a-filled with . cream'
And the whole bloody thing was run hy steam
Then he rolled it through the bedroom door
And the wheel started up with a great big roar
It rolled to his wife and rolled on top . .'
And it pumped in cream until she hollered stop r
But the great big wheel 3ust rolled on through
'Till the cowboy s- wike was split in two I
Then as if possessed by a monsterous whim
It turned around and mounted hisu
It rolled to the gate and it steamed real fast
Mounting all the people just a-strolling past
Covered 'them all with grease and cream
Till it disapeared in a cloud of steam.
So if ever you see a great big wheel
There upon a rod of steel,
Run for the prairie or over the 'hllfr ■
Unless you're looking for a long time thrill.
—eg--
<(-} ' ...
OU ........r
IN DAYS OF OLD
.In days of old when nights were bold,
And paper:"waan!t invented;
They wiped their arse with cutty grass
And had to bo contented.
To be contented
They had to be contented
In days of old when knights were bold■'■ :■
And frangers woren't invented
Thoy wrapped their cocks in woolen socks '
And had to be contented
To be .....-
In days of old when knights- were bold
Anfi woolen weren't invented
They drilled a holo in a wooden pole
A»d had . to bo contented
To bo .,;;;;
VIOLATE ME_
Violate me in tho violet time
In the violent way you know,'
Ravage me, savage mo,' bruise me and damage mo
On me no mercy bestow.!,.,,
The best things in life ere free and obvious
G-ivo me a girl who his lewd' and lascivious
Violate me in the violate time
In the vilest way.; you know.
—qfc—
RAI-IQMA
Ramona. I'a just returning from the ftunt
Ramona l!il longing £oz? your cunt -
I'll press, it," caress, it and make a uoss 41! 1 over
tlio floor.
I'll always romombor how I slipped my $rso through
tfto door
Ramona if you should hear a baby . _ o^ll
Ramona,. we'll drown it in tho watorfaXl.1
I dread tho morn when X awake and find no horn
Ramona you dirty old whoro,
—'c(b_-
THE PASSENGERS
The- passengers' will refrain from flushing while
Tho train is in tho station. V/e encourage oonstipatio
'><■''■: while the train is in tho station. If you wish to
. pass some water, kindly call the pullman porter.
' Ho wiir'place' a vessel in your room. If tho porter
isn't near," thqn try the platform in the rear, tho
front' one is IJkolyto bo full. If tho women's room
be taken, never feel the least forsaken, never show
a sign of sad defeat, try tho men's room 'cross tho
hall, and if some man has had to call , he'll
gracionsly relinquish you his scat. If these
efforts are %n vain.then simply break the window
pane .''This novel method's used by few
V/e go strolling through tho pari, using statues in
the dark, it Mr I. Pitt-can. do it so can you.
; . —oo-bo—■
BE PURE (Dedicated to all our readers)
Be pure,' be pure:, be pure as the lilly, Behcet your
, u uoJ rl °? 1^11*'ifr -■wnyn;•.. fim-i' f. smoke don't drink, take
your handy off that filly, 3e chaste for the rost
of your d.^ys. .Be wholesome, be wholesome
And remember the words that we say
Bepuro, be puroj be pure as the lilly,
But don't ask us to show you the way. Amen.