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Lightnin' Wells was kind enough to send me a compilation CD of recordings he has
done or otherwise acquired.
- Various Artists
- Toasts, Bawdy Songs - Songs From the Lightnin' Wells Collection
Toasts with "J.D." 1.
Chicken nock and chicken gizzards
Women these days are as slick as
lizards
And god works in mysterious ways his wonders to perform
And
when a woman gets up and puts on her clothes
It takes a god to tell where
she's gone
Go down to my house and tell mrs. house
That I raised a rough house
And they're going to put me in the workhouse
So you can have my house
God made a woman and he made her stout
But ha left a little place
where the thread gave out
Ha was so glad that he began to shout
When
ha found that little place where the thread gave out
Z is for Zachariah
Climbed the sycamore tree to see Jesus
When the
limb split ha shit
He hasn't seen jesus yet
I'm poor but i'm 'round here
I wasn't invited but i'm in here
I
wants to have a ball in this hall tonight
I want everybody to coma and
bring your cleavers
'Cause we're gonna have rough stuff tough stuff
Stuff without a bone
If you can't drink the shit leave the damn mass
alone
I keep my house spic and span
I drink all my milk from carnation cans
no tits to pull no nay to pitch
I just punch a hole in the son of a bitch
The black cat walked a barbed wire fence
While the cod wind blowed
through his whiskers
When the natural gas flowed through his ass
Ha
shot like a forty four pistol
Keg ass red was a hall of a man
When he'd fart it'd sound like thunder
He could shit a turd like a baseball bat
And he could blow it out from
under him
The buzzard took the monkey for a ride in the air
The monkey thought
that everything was on the square
The monkey looked the buzzard right
dead in the ass
Said "wait motherfucker you're drivin' too fast"
Toasts with "J.D." 2.
I met this lady from Alaska
She would anything that you asked her
She would take you to the woods
And deliver the goods
Nine days later
you were sorry you asked her
The bullfrog jumped out of the water
Ho fucked his wife and his
sister's daughter
Ho wiped his ass on a blade of grass
And jumped back
in the water
Prick on the stem prick on the polo
Snap cock pop but dodge the
asshole
Old mister jack pooped through the crack
And his eyes lit up like fire
coals
When ho missed his lick
He broke his wrist
And fire shot out
his asshole
Uncle bud went around with a load of shucks
He had three daughters
mover been fucked
Then he wiped his ass on a blade of grass
Come back
and fucked two of his ducks
tonight's menu
Pig pussy and polk
Cow cock and collards
Dog
dick and dumplings
Sheep shit in shallow water
Bad Man Toast
I was born in a barrel of butcher knives
I've
been sprayed in the ass with two 45s
A dolomite blew me on the
mountainside
A rattlesnake bit me he crawled off and died
I said "mr.
rattlesnake you cant harm me 'cause
I've got a tombstone disposition and
a graveyard mind
I'm a mean motherfucker and I don't mind dyln"
I bent
down to fart and it roared like thunder
It ransacked hell and put the
devil under
I handcuffed the lightning and put the thunder in jail
You
know my ass was doln' mighty well
I thought so well that I jumped down in
hell
I fucked the devil's wife and I fucked her well
I sent the devil
of for a little glass of water
By the time he got back I'd fucked four of
his daughters
Every time the devil stooped down to get a little shovel of
coal
I popped the peter to his asshole
If anybody asks you who
composed this toast
Tell 'em johnny b. good from coast to coast
Compiled by Lightnin' Wells at Port Townsend, Washington 2003
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