Toasts for Men

Here's to nipples. For without them, tities would be pointless.

[Retrieved from a YouTube video.]

Friends may come and friends may go
And friends may peter out, you know
But I'll be yours through thick or thin
Peter out or peter in.

[ca. 1968. Sex Is The Thing LP by Saucy Sylvia.: MP3 Audio. ; This was the beginning of her toast sequence. Specifically called a toast by rms (at) hpgrla.gr.hp.com (Rick Scherer) In the Usenet group rec.humor on 3 Feb '92. Need to earlier references to this being a toast.]

Love may come & love may go,
Love may peter out you know.
But I'll love you though thick or thin,
Peter out or peter in.

[To be used with an ex-girl/boy friend]

Friends may come and friends may go
and friends may peter out you know
but we'll be friends through thick or thin
peter out or peter in.

[Newsgroups: alt.tasteless.jokes From: jwest (at) netcom.com (Jeff West) Date: 21 Mar 1995]

"Friends may come and friends may go and friends may peter out. But you, my friend, will be my friend, peter in OR peter out."

2012-07-28 Big Brother Season 14, "After Dark", Variant said by Will on Big Brother, after the Spin the Bottle party with the 2nd bottle of wine.

To virgins and lesbians...... Thanks for NOTHING!

[Retrieved from http://www.tamut.com/toasts/ on 15 August 2003]

The first four letters of the alphabet -- A Big Cunt Daily.

[The Pearl]

Here's to sin and here's to virtue,
A little bit of both won't hurt you,
A little virtue is enhancing,
A little sin can be entrancing,
Be good, my dear, but don't be haughty,
There's too much fun in being naughty.

[1948ca. Bedroom Party Literature]

HERE'S TO THE WHORE

Here's to the whore behind the door
Her eyes are as black a charcoal
Skin your prick so god damned quick
Make sparks fly out of your asshole.

[1981 Just Something My Uncle Told Me. Rounder Records]

Little lady at the bar,
How I wonder what you are ;
How I wonder what you'll do.
If I grab a kiss from you;
Pretty soon, without a doubt,
Honey, I'll be finding out.

[1949ca. Bedroom Party Literature, slightly edited, click here for original.]

Here's to the young man and matrimony.
Here's to the old man and alimony.
The difference seems huge, but it's really not.
It's the screwing you get for the screwing you got.

[From: heademoff(at) thepass.com Date: 1996-12-06 Usenet alt.jokes.tasteless]

The above is a (unique?) variant of the following definition:

Alimony: The screwing you get for the screwing you got.

[This definition can easily be changed into the definitional toast: "Here's to alimony: the screwing you get from the screwing you got." The above definition can be found in the ca 1949 Bedroom Party Literature & the definitional toast "To alimony...." can be found in 1993 Evans III & Frothingham. Need to check the Anecdotas, Hot House Humor, Locker Room Humor & other desiderata books for other instances of this definition.]

Here's to the mothers in the park
The ugly women chiefly
Someone must of loved them once
But in the dark and briefly.

[ca. 1963. Joe Fischetti. Photographer. Used to hang around Gas Light Square reading poetry; collected 6 Sept. 2003. St. Louis.]

I'll drink to the girl that will,
I'll drink to the girl that won't,
But I won't drink to the girl that says she will
and then then find out she won't.

Longer Variant:

Here's to all the girls!
I love the girl who does;
I like the girl who don't.
I hate the girl who says she will,
and then decides she won't.

But the girl I like the best of all,
and I know you'll say I'm right;
Is the girl who says I shouldn't,
but just for you I might.

[1960 Koken, 1970 Tipsi's Bar Guide]

Another:

I like the girls who do,
I admire the girls who don't,
I hate the girls who say they will,
But when the time comes they won't.
But the girls I like the best of all,
And I think you'll say I'm right,
Are the ones who say they never will—
But just for me they might.

[ca 1948 PBL, pg. 25. Not listed as a toast.]

Sugar in the bowl. Coffee in the Cup. Poke her in the butt, and you won't knock her up!

[Retrieved from http://www.tamut.com/toasts/ on 15 August 2003; Specifically listed as a toast.]

Here's to your eyes,
Here's to my eyes.
Here's to your thighs,
Here's to my thighs.
Our eyes have met, our thighs not yet...
But here's hoping.

[This is a variant of the flirtatious, "lips not yet" toast].

O Lord God divine
Who turned the water into wine
Please forgive we foolish men
We are going to turn it back again.

[Retrieved from http://www.epicurious.com/HyperNews/get/archive_toast1-100/94.html on 24 Dec. 2002.]

This "grace" is reportedly in the book 1993(?) AIRS & GRACES by Rev. Basil Watson as the following:

Bless us O Lord Divine
Who turned the water into wine
Have mercy on those foolish men
Who try to turn it back again
Amen.

[This grace is probably much older (19th century?). Try to find earlier sources.]

Here's to you my little duck.
You aren't much but you sure can... swim!

[From: "Robin L. Thomas" <thomasr (at) gte.net> Date: 1996-03-21 Usenet: alt.tasteless.jokes ]

May your life be easy...
except when you want to be hard.

[From: "dick greenhaus" <vze29j8v (at) verizon.net> Date: Thursday, January 30, 2003 2:26 PM, private email. Reported as learned "on the streets of Brooklyn, NY back ca 1947."]

When I was young all my limbs were supple,
Did I say all?
Well -- all but one!

Now I'm old all my limbs are stiff,
Did I say all?
Well -- all but one.

[1992, Fahey. Listed as a toast.]

Variant:

With vain regret I oft remember
Those happy days of youth and fun
When all my limbs were soft and tender
Did I say all? Well, all but one.
Gone are those days of lust and fun,
Now, all my joints, and limbs, are stiffer
Did I say all? Well, all but one.

[1970, What Rugby Jokes Did Next, pg. 97. Not listed as a toast.]

Here's to your little thing
And my little thing ...
Those little things under the table.
I hope your little thing
Doesn't need anything
Cause MY little thing ain't able!

[196?, Club House Humor, Unpaginated, Gem Publisher.]

Another:

Here's to your little thing
and my little thing
and all the little things around the table.
Hope your little thing don't want-to
cause my little thing ain't able.

[Recovered from http://www.viet-remf.com/writings.htm
which gives the writings of Stanley Hutchingson. This part being from 1969.]

Lick her up front and poke her in the rear.

[Collected 5 Aug 2002. I was told that this was from a song but that it was also prohibition era toast because at a speak easy you could have "Liquor up front & poker in the rear." This toast is, perhaps, the misheard lyrics from Vince Neils' song "Sister Of Pain".]

"Here's to honor! ...Get on her and stay on her!."

Another:

A TOAST TO HONORS

TOASTMASTER: "Let's have a toast to honor."

RESPONSE: "Get on her and stay on her."

[ca 1991.335th FS Chiefs Songbook. pg 37 ]

Variant:

Here's to Honor!
If you can't cum in her, cum on her!

[Alex Blesch <alexblesch(at) netscape.net> From an email 1 Dec 2002. he stated that the shorter version above has been around since at least the mid '80's; also found on the Epicurious toastpoints archive.]

To honor, with honor, for honor
if u cant cum in her cum on her

[Retrieved from http://www.purdue.reallysucksass.com/toasts.html on 5 May 2003.]

BOTH COMBINED:

Here's a toast to honor,
Here's to getting on her,
Here's to being on her,
And if you can't cum in her cum on her

Here's to Honor
Get on her
and stay on her
but if you can't cum in her
cum on her

[This version contributed by Alex Blesh <alexblesch(at) netscape.net>]

Variant:

She offered her honor
He honored her offer
And all night long, it was
On her, off her, on her, off her

[Found on the archive of Epicurious toast points discussion board.]

To her honor
Her honor she offered
I honored her offer
All night long I was honor and offer
To her honor.

Here's to all the kisses I've snatched...and vice versa!

[From: brice (at) merle.acns.nwu.edu (Benjamin Rice) Usenet: alt.drunken.bastards Date: 15 Feb 1994 19:02:35 GMT Organization: Northwestern University, Evanston IL]

Here's to woman
And her orifice of sin.
It lets her liquefactions out
And other factions in.

[1980. Garrison's Here's to You pg.21. He says "attributed to
Eugene Field (1859-1895)"]

The poem "The French Crisis" in the the ca 1888 book The Stag Party has the ninth stanza of the poem:

What shall I term that slimy pit, that orifice of sin
That let her liquefactions out and other factions in?
A tuppence, twitchet, coney, commodity or nock,
Pudendum, titmose, dummelheed, quaint, merkin, naf or jock?
Call it whatever pleases you -- there's nothing in a name,
And tho' it had been dubbed a rose it would have smelt the same.

Here's to our horses, our women, and the men who ride them.

[Very old. Trace earliest instance in the Anecdotas & see if it is in Hughes or other 18th/19th century songbooks.]

Men soon tire of song and dances,
Whiskey, gin and cheap romances,
They want the finer things in life;
A little home, a charming wife,
But they find joy in new caresses—
So never lose the old addresses.

[1949ca Bedroom Party Literature, pg. 5. Specifically listed as a toast.]

For a bachelor party:
May your wife always fit you as your wedding ring -
not too loose, not too tight, but just right!

[From: jfw(at) radix.net (Jim Ward) Date: 1997-04-30 Usenet: rec.humor]

Here's to the girl that dresses in black,
Always looks neat and never looks slack,
when she kisses she kisses so sweet,
That she makes things stand that have no feet.

[2 March 1906. From a dated bawdy typescript from up-state NY. Copies: Jack Horntip & Ed Cray.]

Here's to the girl with high-heeled shoes --
Who eats my lobster and drinks my booze;
Then goes home with her ma to snooze,
Stingy -- Stingy -- Stingy.

[1938 Clean Dirt pg. 171; 1960 Koklin; Bowdlerized version of the following toast.]

Here's to the women in the high-heeled shoes,
who smoke men's fags and drink men's booze;
and when they kiss, they kiss so sweet,
they make things stand that have no feet!

Variant:

Here's to the girl with eyes of brown
Whose proud spirit you cannot down,
And when she kisses, she kisses so sweet,
She makes something stand that doesn't have feet.

[1948ca Bedroom Party Literature]

Variant:

Here's to the girl dressed in black,
When you whistle she never turns back,
And if she turns back
She's such a treat,
She makes things stand,
That have no feet!

[1992 Fahey, ...acquired from Mrs. Nancy
Cavanagh, Dover Heights, NSW, 1990]

Here's to the lovely lady dressed in white--
When she smiles, she smiles so sweet
She makes things stand that have no feet.

[Contributed by CR MCPHERSON <crmcp (at) hotmail (dot) com> on 5 Feb 2004 he says that learned this "from my ex father in law Roswell Miller ood Dutchess county N.Y. back around
1940 give or take."]

Another:

Here's to the girl that I kissed Last,
It wasn't slow, it wasn't fast,
It wasn't sour, and it wasn't sweet,
But it made something stand,...
and it didn't have feet.

[Found on Epicurious' Toast Points archive.]

I wish you well, I wish you mighty,
I wish my pajamas against your nighty,
Now don't be mistaken or misled,
I mean on the clothes line and not in bed.

[1948ca Bedroom Party Literature, page. 6. Specifically listed as a toast. is very similar to many of the teasing children's rhymes collected by Lowenstein (see SHOCKING, SHOCKING, SHOCKING) and others. ]

Here's to the Virgin Mary, who conceived without sinning;
Here's to you, my dear, may you sin without conceiving !!

[Usenet: rec.humor. 1992 hartnett(at) vxd.mdcbbs.com]

Variant used as a bawdy prayer:

Holy Mary, we believe
That without sin thou did conceive
Now we pray, in thee believing
That we can sin without conceiving

[From: Mike Fleming <mike (at) tauzero.co.uk> Usenet: demon.local Date: 2001-04-03]

Variant:

Oh, Blessed Virgin we believe
That without sin thou didst conceive.
Teach us then how thus believing
We can sin without conceiving.

[1970 What Rugby Jokes Did Next. pg. 23]

Here's to Wars and Revolution
Here's to Whore's and Prostitution
Here's to horses that don't quit buckin
And them good old gals that don't quit....

[Usenet: rec.humor]

To civil wars and revolutions
dirty whores and prostitutions
southern boys who love to fight
and college girls who fuck all night!

Retrieved from http://www.collegeslackers.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=532&st=25 on 2010-07-31 where it was posted by wsb390 on 2006-02-07.

ODE TO A BETTER SOCIETY

HERE'S TO RAPE, RIOT AND REVOLUTION!
MAY PROSTITUTION FLOURISH AND
SON-OF-A-BITCH BECOME A HOUSEHOLD
WORD. (segue into ring-ading-ding)

Ring-ading-a-ding ( 3 times)
Blow it out your ass
Better days are coming by and by.

From ca 1962 Shitty Songs of Sigma Chi.

Variant?

Here's to rape, riot, and revolution;
May prostitution flourish and son-of a-bitch
Become a household word.

[From: nazgul(at) Glue.umd.edu (Geoffrey G. Hazel) Usenet: alt.tasteless.jokes Date: 1995-03-20]

Here's to the split that never heals,
The longer you rub it the better it feels.
And all the soap this side of hell,
Can't wash away that fishy smell.

[1927 Immortalia, 1971 Hart]

Variant with added material:

Here's to the hole,
That never heals,
The more you rub it,
The better it feels,
And all the soap this side of hell,
Won't wash away that fishy smell,
Wine, women song and vice,
Syphyllis, blueballs, crabs and lice,
We've had'em all by Jesus Christ,
Gentlemen, to the Queen!

[From: x96sfn(at) juliet.stfx.ca (CRACKERJACK) Date: 1997-01-24 Usenets: alt.alien.vampire.flonk.flonk.flonk ; Note the Canadian provenance of the above & the two below and check to see if the second half was used as an independent toast/poem.]

Here's to the hole that never heals
The more you rub it, the better it feels
And all the soap this side of Hell
won't wash away that fishy smell

Wine, women, song, and vice
Syphilis, blue balls, crabs and lice
We've had them all, by Jesus Christ

Gentlemen... The Queen.

From: gpretzlaff(at) v-wave.com Date: 1996-11-28 Usenet: alt.tasteless.jokes]

Here's to the hole that never heals
The more you rub it, the better it feels
And all the soap this side of hell
Won't wash away that fishy smell.

Wine, women, song, and vice
Syphyllis, blueballs, crabs, and lice
We've had 'em all, by Jesus Christ
Gentlemen - The Queen

[Date: 1993-08-17 From: Matt White <whitem(at) JESTER.USASK.CA> ]

Variant?

> Likes:

Wine, women, song, vice

> Dislikes:

Syphilis, the clap, crabs, lice
(I've had them all, the best ones twice)

[From: poslundc_spamisbad(at) mcmaster.ca (Astos) Date: 29 May 2000 Usenet: alt.games.final-fantasy.rpg]

A social glass and a social lass
Go very well together;
But a social lass with a social ass
I deem a damn sight better.
Here's to the glass, and the lass, and the ass,
May they meet in all kinds of weather;
We'll drink from the glass, and feel of the ass,
And make the lass feel better.

[1927 Immortalia; hart, 1971]

Fighter Pilot's Toast

Here's to gunpowder and pussy;
Live by one, die by the other,
and learn to love the smell of both!

[Found on Epicurious' Toast Points Archive.]

Here's to the girl I love the best.
I've loved her naked, and I've loved her dressed.
I've loved her standing and I've loved her lying.
And if she had wings, I'd love her flying.
And when she's dead and long forgotten,
I'll dig her up and love her rotten.

[1971 Hart]

Variant:

Here's to the maiden of honour, many a night I've laid upon her.
I've fucked her standing, I've fucked her lying.
If she had wings, I'd fuck her flying.
But now she dead, but not forgotten.
Let's dig her up and fuck her rotten.

[From: fiedlerj(at) ucs.orst.edu (Joe Fiedler) Newsgroups: alt.drunken.bastards Date: 7 Feb 1995]

Variant:

Mary Box, Mary Box
Gave a thousand men the pox
soldiers, sailors, men of honour
fought like fiends, to get upon her
But now she's dead and not forgotten
[......]

["Originally called Mary Box circa 1960's" according to Des Taylor <des(at) d-lab.demon.co.uk> Date: 1996-02-10 Usenet: alt.tasteless.jokes]

Another "Mary Box":

This is the tale of Mary Box
Who gave a thousand men the pox
Soldiers and sailors and men of honor
Fought like thieves [fiends] to climb upon her
Now she's dead she's not forgotten
They dig her up and stuff her rotten

[From: John Stevenson <john(at) machines.fsnet.co.uk> Date: 2000-03-16 Usenet: alt.machines.cnc; Also retrieved from http://www.gthhh.com/hymnal/song.asp?songno=59 the Global Trash Hymnal on 13 Jan 2003 with the "fiends" variant above.]

[Mary Box is also in RAF Bawdy Ballad & Dirty Ditties. Check & list variant.]

Variant:

Here's to the girls that we love the best
we'll fuck 'em in the east, we'll fuck 'em in the west
we'll fuck 'em in the north, we'll fuck 'em in the south,
we'll fuck 'em in the rear, we'll fuck 'em in the mouth
we'll fuck 'em high, we'll fuck 'em low,
we'll fuck 'em fast, we'll fuck 'em slow.
we'll fuck 'em standin', we'll fuck em lyin',
and if we could fly, we'd fuck 'em flyin'!
And when they're dead, and long forgotten,
We'll dig 'em up... and fuck 'em ROTTEN.

[Usenet: alt.jokes.tasteless]

Earliest version:

"Bath, on Harrison's Window's

I kiss'd her standing,
Kiss'd her lying,
Kiss'd her in Health,
And kiss'd her dying;
And when she mounts the Skies,
I'll kiss her flying.

[1733 Bog House Miscellany Part 3. pg.5. ]

Here's to the girl with the little red shoes
She spends your money and drinks your booze
She's lost her cherry but that's no sin
She's still got the box that the cherry came in.

Dated variant:

"here's to the girl with the little white shoes
she loves her whiskey, she loves her booze
she'll lose her cherry but that's no sin
cause she'll still have the box that the cherry came in

one of the toasts at my wedding, some 46 yrs ago enjoy."

[From: "T.J.Roth" <sandspur(at) niven.imsweb.net> Date: 1996-06-12 Usenet: alt.tasteless.jokes; This would mean that this variant dates to at least 1950!]

Variant:

Here's to the Girl with one red shoe
She loves to party, she loves to screw
She has no cherry, but that's no sin
She still has the box, the cherry came in.

[Found on the archive Epicurious toastponts discussion board.]

Another:

Here's to the girl with long blonde hair,
she made them cry, she made them stare.
She's lost her cherry, but that's no sin,
'Cause she's still got the box that the cherry came in.

Another variant to be used by a woman variant:

Here's to the boys,
And here's to the men
Who don't want the cherry,
Just the box it came in.

[From: arroo(at) rof.net (arroo) Date: 30 July 1998 Usenet:alt.fairs.renaissance]

Earliest Variant:

Here's to the girl with pretty blue eyes,
Who wears red hose and has big thighs,
She has no cock, but that's no sin,
She has a nice little hole to put one in.

[1927, Immortalia]

An interesting combined "thighs not yet" variant of the above toast:

Here's to the girl with the big blue eyes,
Here's to the girl with the milk-white thighs.
Our eyes have met, our thighs not yet.
Here's hoping!

[1992 Evans & Frothingham, pg.44; compare this with the "thighs not yet" toast.]

Here's to the girl in the high heeled shoes,
She spends my money, she drinks my booze.
She's got no cherry,
But that's no sin...
She still has the box the cherry came in.

[Retrieved from http://www.yelp.com/topic/manhattan-beach-wedding-toasts-quotes on 2010-01-25.]

Here's to you because you're beautiful,
And you are beautiful because you're good,
And you're good because God made you,
I wish to God I could!

[There are other instances of this not used as a toast. Check Bedroom Party Literature, Hot House, etc.]

Here's to the girl with the beautiful vine...
Blooms once a month, bears fruit in nine...
She's the only gal this side of hell,
That can get juice from two nuts without breaking the shell!

Variant:

Here's to women, the fruit of the vine,
They bloom once a month, and bear fruit every nine.
They're the only creature this side of hell,
Who can bring juice from a nut without breaking the shell !!

Here's to the tree of life
Long may it stand.
It grows upon two rocks,
Upon the Isle of Man.

Here's to that plant,
That doth around it twine,
It comes in flower every month
And bears fruit in nine.

[1992 Fahey]

Some guys adore a pretty leg,
Some love a pretty curl,
That's not for me, I must admit—
I want the whole darn girl.

[ca 1948 Bedroom Party Literature]

HERE'S TO _____________

Here's to _________, that filthy hag,
That sleazy, slimy slut.
Green fungus lies between her thights
And worms crawl out her butt.

Before I'd scale those scabby legs
Or suck those puss-filled tits
I'd drink a cup of buzzard puke
And die the grizzly shits.

[1991. 335th FS Chiefs Songbook. pg 37 ]

Here's to Madge, that filthy bitch.
Her cunt is lined with the seven-year itch
Between her toes green matter grows
And bloody corruption flows from her nose

Rather than climb those scaley legs
Or suck those festering tits,
I'd drink a quart of dead man's blood
Or bathe in liquid shit.

Cunt, thou deep and bottomless pit,
All matted with hair and covered with shit,
Like a polecat's ass, thou smellest bad.
But cunt, oh, cunt, thou must be had.

[Berkley 1958-1960, learned by Harry A. Taussig. See Cray 1991 pg.269]

Variant:

Here's to Mag, that filthy hag,
That sleazy, slimy slut.
Green fungus lies between her thighs,
And worms crawl out her butt.
Before I'd scale those scabby legs,
Or suck those pus-filled tits,
I'd drink a gallon of buzzard puke,
And die of the drizzly shits.

[Hash House Harrier Hymnal]

Variant:

A Toast To Madge

("Madge" is replaced by the name
of the woman you want to honor.)

Here's to Madge, that filthy bitch
Whose cunt is lined with seven year itch
Green matter oozes between her toes
Filthy corruption flows through her nose.

Yet before I climb those scaly thighs
And suck those crusty tits
I'd rather drink a quart of buzzard's piss
And swim the River Shits.

Oh cunt, oh cunt, thy deep and bottomless pit
All matted with hair and covered with shit
Like a pole cat's ass that smellest so bad
Oh cunt, oh cunt, thou must be had.

[Retrieved from www.desmoinesrugby.com/documents/songs_toastmadge.doc on 2003-09-13]

Another:

Here's to old Mag
that filthy old hag
that slippery slimy slut.
The green moss grows
between her toes
and the maggots crawl out of her butt.

Before I'd climb them scaly legs
or bite those festered tits
I'd drink a quart of buzzard's puke
and die with the grizzling shits.

[From: ward_dw(at) ix.wcc.govt.nz Newsgroups: alt.tasteless.jokes Date: 1994-09-11. He says that it came from the record "Something My Uncle Told Me" ]

Mag, Mag you dirty old Hag
You slippery slimy slut
The worms crawl out of your pussy
and the crud oozes out of your butt
Before I'd climb theses scrawny leg's
and suck theses festered tit's
I'd drink 2 buckets of Buzzard's puck
and die of the screaming shits

[From: Frank (ariz(at) galaxynet.com) Usenet: alt.tasteless.jokes Date: 1998-08-28]

Cunt oh cunt oh slimy slit
All covered with piss and caked with shit
A buffalo's asshole should smell so bad
Still cunt is cunt and must be had.

[21 March 1995 From: jwest(at) netcom.com (Jeff West) Usenet: alt.tasteless.jokes ; This is circulating by itself and not as part of the Mag toast above.]

Cunt, oh cunt, thou dirty slit,
Besmithered with hair, beslabbered with shit,
Like a polecat's ass, thou smellest bad,
But oh thou cunt! thou must -- be -- had.

[1955. Given by a discharged Marine from Redlands, California in Paris.
"It was received with great applause by the Americans present including
several girls." according to Legman in his 1976 "Bawdy Monologues" article
on pg. 118, Southern Folk Lore Quarterly, Vol. 40, #1-2.]

Here's to the old gal I fucked in a graveyard
God damn her old soul she was dead.
Maggots crawled out of her arsehole
And the hair slipped off of her head.

When I finished my job there
I saw that I'd committed a sin
So out of my pocket I drew me a straw
And I sucked out the load I'd shot in!

[Adapted by JP, From: ward_dw(at) ix.wcc.govt.nz Newsgroups: alt.tasteless.jokes Date: 11 Sep 1994 . He says that it came from the record "Something My Uncle Told Me" ; found in conjunction with the above "Here's to Mag" toast. See if this was ever used as a toast.]

Here's to the girl from the Golden West
Who's tits stuck out like hornet's nests
The skin on her belly was as tight as a drum
And the cheeks of her ass would make a dead man come!

Variant:

This 's 't the little old girl who lives in the west
Her tits look just like a hornet's nest
Her eyes & thighs are tight as a drum
The wiggle of her ass would make a dead man come.

[Imbedding in the longer "black toast" on "Just Something My Uncle Told Me" as said by ..... Rounder Records 1980]

Here's to America, land of the push;
Where a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
But if in the bush a fair maiden should stand,
Then a push in the bush is worth two in the hand.

[1958 collected by Robert Griffis in LA, courtesy of Wayland D. Hand. according to 1990 Cray pg. 137; Also 1971 Complete Immortalia]

Another:

Here's to Old England, the land of the push
where a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush
But if in those bushes a lady should stand
then a push in the bush in worth two in the hand

[From: "news.ripco.com" <sysop(at) ripco.com> Date: 1998-04-22 Usenet: alt.fairs.renaissance]

Australian variant:

'Ere's to the U. S.,
The land of the push,
Where a bird in the 'and's
Worth two in the bush.

'Ere's to Orstralia,
Me own native land,
Where a push in the bush,
Is worth two in the 'and".

Variant:

Here's to America,
Land of the puss.
Where one in the hand,
Is worth two in the bush.
But the girls all say,
If you can make it stand,
A push in the bush
is worth two in the hand!

[Retrieved from http://www.southpittrugby.com/songs/song1.htm on 23 April 2003]

Here's to the girl that lives on the hill,
If she won't do it her sister will.
Here's to her sister!

To love:

Man's occupation,
Is to stick his cockulation,
Up the woman's ventilation,
To increase the population,
Of the coming generation.

[Retrieved from http://www.charlotteh3.org/songs.htm
on 6 Jan 2003. Specifically used as a toast. Compare this toast with the non-bawdy wedding toast. ]

Another:

A man's occupation,
is to stick his cockulation,
into a woman's ventalation,
To increase the population,
Of the younger generation,
I got this information,
From the Board of Education,
If you'd like a demonstration,
Lie down.

Variant:

It's only human nature after all
To get your favourite girl against the wall,
And let your accumulation
Meet her accommodation,
And increase the population
Of the coming generation.

[This bawdy ditty as recorded by Ron Edwards from 1938 by Geelong & listed in 1983 Lowenstein pg.26. Lowenstein fails to give the B. variant in her book although she gives the SOURCE for the B variant. ]

Here's to the girl with eyes of brown,
Who makes her living upside down;
Twenty dollars is the regular price
Give her a thirty and she'll do it twice.

Here's to Kotex! Next to the best thing in the world.

[Adapted by JP, from 1934 Anecdota Americana]

Variant:

Here's to panties, not the best thing in the world, but damn close to it.

[Retrieved from http://www.tamut.com/toasts/ on 2003-08-15. Is this found in "the wild"?]

Here's to land we love!
And here's to love we land!

"Here's how." said I, raising my glass.
"Say when." said she, "I already know how."

[1970, Tipsi's Bar Guide]

Here's to the breezes
That blow through the treezes
And lift the chemises
From off ladies kneezes
And shows us what prickles
And tickles, and teases
And gives us diseases
By Jesus!

[1947, Melbourne, Australia, by Ron Edwards as recorded by 1986 Lowenstein pg. 22]

Here's to the breezes
That blow thru' the treeses
That lift little girls' skirts
Above their kneese,
Little boy seeses,
Does as he pleases,
Gets social diseases.

[ca. 1960, Inside Power Room]

Here's to the breezes that blows through the treeses
And lifts the girls skirts up above their kneeses
To show us the things that tease us and please us
And gives us diseases
By Jesus

Variant:

Here's to the breezes that blow through the treeses...
That lifts the skirts up above the girls kneeses...
And between those kneeses, you can do as you pleases...
BUT YOU'D BETTER WATCH OUT FOR THOSE SOCIAL DISEASES

Here's to the breezes that blow through the trees
and lifts the girls skirts above there knees
and shows us the places that teases and pleases,
and gives us diseases
here's to the snatch, down the hatch

[Newsgroups: alt.tasteless.jokes From: jwest(at) netcom.com (Jeff West) Date: 1995-03-21]

Another:

Here's to the breezes that blow through the treeses
And lifts the skirts above the kneeses,
Here's to the spot that's oh so hot,
It teases, it pleases, it spreads diseases,
here's to the snatch, down the hatch

[Retrieved from http://www.public.iastate.edu/~bobbomo/pics/Bandbible.pdf on 25 May 2003 ]

"God sent de gentle breezes
Dat blow tru de treeses
and Lif' up de young girls dresses,
& so dat we can sees'es,
dat ting between der leggses
so I roll ouyt de wrath of Moses,
And push it between those squeezes,
but some time it give use diseases,
You can' t cure by doctors or nurses!
Want no disease, we no want no disease"

"Diseases", from Don't Burn It Down LP by Yellowman

[Retrieved from From: Veryfake(at) address.com (For Sale!) Subject: Yellowman! Date: 1998-01-19 16:13:38 GMT Usenet: rec.music.reggae This is from the record "Don't Burn It Down by Yellowman.]

May your liquor be cold,
May your women be hot.
And may your troubles slide off of you
slicker than snot.

Here's to the woman who gave me this
It hurts each time I take a piss
If she's around when I get well,
I'll get it again. Sure as hell.

Here's to those who write on bathroom walls,
May their shit be little balls.
And to those who read these words of wit,
May they eat those balls of shit!

[From: droberts(at) seas.gwu.edu (David Roberts) Date: 13 Nov 1994 Newsgroups: alt.tasteless.jokes]

A man is only as old as the woman he feels.

[Attributed to Goucho Marx. Verify this and find earlier sources]

Here's to women we love and here's to the women we fuck. Hope they never meet.

[Retrieved from http://www.tamut.com/toasts/ on 15 August 2003; Bawdy variant of "Here's to our wives & sweethearts. May they never meet!]

Here's to the girl in the sailor hat,
Pink shirt waist and white cravat,
Patent leather shoes and blue parasol,
And a little brown spot that pays for them, all.

[1906-03-02. From a dated bawdy manuscript from up-state NY. Copies: Jack Horntip & Ed Cray.]

Here's to the girl that dresses in blue,
She swears to her sweetheart that she'll be true,
But give her a kiss and a cock tail or two,
And God only knows what that girl will do.

[1906-03-02. From a dated bawdy manuscript from up-state NY. Copies: Jack Horntip & Ed Cray.]

Here's to the girl that bangs her hair,
And keeps her pussy in good repair,
Lays on her back and spreads wide her thighs,
Ah, there lay there just my size.

[1906-03-02. From a dated bawdy manuscript from up-state NY. Copies: Jack Horntip & Ed Cray.]

Here's to the lass with the round fat ass,
And fucks right up to the handle,
To hell with the old maid that is always afraid,
And fucks herself with a candle.

[1906-03-02. From a dated bawdy manuscript from up-state NY. Copies: Jack Horntip & Ed Cray.]

Here's to the girl that's not afraid
A gentleman's prick to handle,
But damn the girl who sets on her ass
And fucks herself with a candle.

Here's to the boy who's not afraid
A nice soft cunt to twist,
But to hell with the boy who sets at home
And does the job with his fist.

Unprintable Folklore from the Ozarks. 1927-08-17.

Another:

Here's to the maid who isn't afraid
of her lover's cock to handle.
And to Hell with the lass who sits on her ass
and fucks herself with a candle.

[13 April 2004. Alfred J. Lewis <Alsjazz1457 (at) aol (dot) com>, he says " I heard it from a guy in his late sixties who heard it from a world war one vet sometime in the 1950's. The vet told him it was very a favorite from the trenches in France, which would have been 1917-18. I've tried to use it, but the wife usually elbows me right away.]

I have to post my favorite limerick, dedicated of course:
Here's to the maid who's not afraid her lovers prick to handle,
But damn the lass who sits on her ass and screws herself with a candle,
Here's to the girl who wears the red shoes, who smokes my cigarettes and drinks my booze,
She ain't got no cherry, but that's no sin, cause she still got the box the cherry came in.

Retrieved from http://smartpolitics.tribe.net/thread/3a1195a2-fede-41b8-90fb-3b5dc430acde#7263de26-225e-496b-a0b6-511a6c099734 on 2010-07-31.

Here's to the girl in blue,
Who dresses neat from head to shoe,
She always looks wise and is never surprised,
No matter what you do.

[1906-03-02. From a dated bawdy manuscript from up-state NY. Copies: Jack Horntip & Ed Cray.]

Here's to the man that loves his wife,
And loves his wife alone,
But there is many a man loving another mans wife,
When he ought to be loving his own.

[1906-03-02. From a dated bawdy manuscript from up-state NY. Copies: Jack Horntip & Ed Cray.]

Here's to the man that rocks his babe,
And rocks a babe that is his own,
But there is many a man rocking another mans babe
When he thinks he is rocking his own.

[1906-03-02. From a dated bawdy manuscript from up-state NY. Copies: Jack Horntip & Ed Cray.]

Here's to the girl with hair on her navel,
And the cheeks of her ass as round as a table
The lips of her cunt, as red as a rose,
And how many has fucked her, God only knows.

[1906-03-02. From a dated bawdy manuscript from up-state NY. Copies: Jack Horntip & Ed Cray.]

Here's to the land of the butt-floss Thong,
Where the lights shine brightly, all night long.
Where the Taxes are paid by Liquor and Sin,
Here's to Nevada, where the Residents Win.

[From: "Tom Gauldin" <tgauldin@lvcm.com> Newsgroups: triangle.general Subject: Re: Another rotten first Date: Wed, 3 Apr 2002 19:21:53 -0800]

A good woman is like a good bar ...
liquor in the front and poker in the rear

[From: mathiseh(at) cnsvax.uwec.edu Newsgroups: rec.humor Date: 7 Dec 92]

here's to the girls of (insert name)
And here's to the alleys they roam
And here's to their dirty-faced bastards
God bless 'em, they may be your own!

[Imbedded in the song "Sexual life of the Camel" on this webpage
http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Aegean/4269/johan/song/song_S0004.htm
retrieved on 4 Dec. 2002.]

This Spanish toast starts out with the man
holding his glass above the woman's and saying:

'At times above you,'

Then he moves his glass below hers and says:

'At times below you,'

Then he clinks the glasses and says:

'Always beside you,'

Then he pours a little of whatever
he has in his glass into hers and says:

'And sometimes inside you!'

In Spanish:

"A veces abajo de ti,
A veces debajo de ti,
Siempre a lado de ti,
A veces a dentro de ti!"

[From Hash House Hymnal]

The above is a variant of the non-bawdy toast:

"Never above you.
Never below you.
Always beside you."

I need find another source independent of the Hash.

Another toast (Learned from Burschenschaft Allemania in Heidelberg):

(with glass on the floor): "Auf dem Boden!" (on the floor)
(with glass on privates): "Auf den Hoden!" (on the balls)
(with glass at navel): "Auf den Nabel!" (on the navel)
(with glass at close ready drinking position): "Auf den Schnabel!" (on the beak)

[From:mike the knife Date: 24 Oct 02 - 01:29 PM; Retrieved from http://www.mudcat.org/thread.cfm?threadid=36851 on 31 Jan 2003; See if other people have used this toast. ]

Michael Hunt's Health.

Here's a Health to Mich. Hunt,
And to Mich. Hunt's Breeches;
And why may not I scratch Mich. Hunt,
When Mich. Hunt itches.

[1731 Bog House Miscellany Prt. 1, pg 16. "Mike Hunt" is a way to
say "My Cunt" without actually saying the words. In Australia "Michael"
and "Michael Hunt" are still euphemisms for "My Cunt".]
To the girl I love, true and mighty.
And I long for that night to come,
With my pajamas next to her nighty.

[Contributed by James P. Leary. Learned from an Irishman born in 1885.]
Here's to you and here's to me,
And to all the girls that lick us where we pee.

Retrieved from http://www.chrudat.com/drinking_toasts.html on 2007-08-28.
Here's to those who sit when they pee.
We love 'em in leather,
We love 'em in lace,
But we love 'em the best when they sit on our face.

Retrieved from http://www.chrudat.com/drinking_toasts.html on 2007-08-28.
heres to the girls that love tke cock
they lick my balls till i'm hard as a rock
they suck me off like a baby seal
god damn those tkes there a big fuckin deal!!!!

Retrieved from https://www.facebook.com/topic.php?uid=2204844570&topic=1901 on 2010-11-25.
Here's to the storks that bring pretty babies,
Here's to the crows that bring ugly babies,
and Here's to the swallows that bring no babies.

Posted by PKPcb1417 on 11-12-2007, 09:25 AM
Retrieved from http://www.greekchat.com/gcforums/showthread.php?t=61198&page=6 on 2023-01-15

A toast to birds - to storks, for bringing good lil babies, to ravens for bringing bad lil babies, and to swallows that bring no babies!

Posted by Marc Ryan
@MarcRyanOnAir11:07 AM · May 13, 2011

https://twitter.com/marcryanonair/status/69071227133763585?lang=en retrieved 2023-01-14

Compare the above to the joke:

If storks bring white babies, and crows bring black babies, what kinds of birds bring no babies at all?

Woodpeckers, swallows, cardinals.

Posted by otis, August 21, 2009. Retrieved from https://forums.malwarebytes.com/topic/22238-groaner/ on 2023-01-14.