TROUBLES OF A LOCKHEE TOOL CRIB GIRL
My job is full of troubles and I'll relate a few,
Of all the unpleasant things that I am forced to do
And if I weren't naturally a really virtuous miss
I wouldn't hold my job long enough to tell you this.
A dozen times a day my modesty is shocked,
and I am surely thankful that the tool crib door is locked.
I do not mind such decent things as uncleaned drills and shears,
But the tools these fellows ask for make me red behind the ears.
A fellow cleaning bearing-cones will ask to see my balls
And I don't recover from the shock, before another calls.
They ask for cocks to put on pipes, for counter box and tits,
And when they ask for a screw it scares me int fits.
For reamers to enlarge their holes, least that's what they say
and Ask if I have any nuts a hundred times a day.
They ask me for a ratchet drill and for a bastard file
and dirty things like bitch dogs which makes my temper rile.
They ask me for a female gage, which really makes me wail.
They know I never learned to tell a female from a male.
Another fellow came to me as I came back from lunch
And asked me from the window, if I'd seem his big prick punch.
Another one too long a third one finds his tool to weak,
Another one to strong,
One asks if I can put him wise to any good tool stock.
Another will want a bunch of waste to wipe a plumbers cock.
The foreman looked around one day, for a tool to cut a slot.
He shouted "Open up your drawers and show me what you've got."
So all this only goes to prove and you have to admit a poor hard
working tool crib girl, has a lot to make her wanta quit.
International News Service.
It has been officially reported that the Japanese have taken Castoria.
The British Foreign Office admits this but doubt their ability to hold it.
The latest bulletin states that the strain upon their rears is tremendous
and they are evacuating along the lines.
The Japs tried to suppress the report, but it slipped out and the
Brittish
got wind of it.
The Japanese now realize the value of paper, thousands have been wiped out.
Joe and John were twins; they were alike in many ways and
only their closest friends could tell them apart. John was
married and Joe was single. Joe was the proud owner of an
old dilapidated rowboat..... a strange thing happened to the
On the day that John's wife died, Joe's rowboat sank. A few
days later a very kind old lady met Joe on the street
and mistaking him for John she said:
"I'm awfully sorry to hear of your misfortune and you must
feel terrible."
Then Joe broke down and said:
"I'm not sorry she was a rotten old thing from the start;
her bottom was all chewed up and she smelled like an old
dead fish. The first time I got in her she made water faster
than anything I ever saw; she had a terrible crack in her
bottom and a pretty bad hole in front; every time I
used her the hole kept getting bigger. I got so I could
handle her all right but when anybody else used her she
leaked; but this is what finished her; four men from the
other side of town asked me if I would rent her; I did; and
warned them as to what she was like, but they said they did'nt
mind. Being over anxious to get going, they all tried to get
into her at the same time and that was just too much; she
cracked right up in the middle and her bottom fell clear out.
The old lady fainted.
"INSTRUCTIONS FOR OPERATION OF THE NEW TELEPHONE"
DEFINITION OF LETTERS APPEARING ON THE DIAL
"TELEPHONES ARE SOMETIMES CONFUSING TO THE AVERAGE
MAN. FOR AN EXAMPLE:
THE LETTER "S" IS FOR SOUTH.
THE LETTER "O" IS FOR OPERATOR
THE LETTER "P" IS FOR PARKWAY
NOW IF YOU WANT SOUTH, YOU PUT YOUR FINGER IN THE "S" HOLE.
IF YOU WANT PARKWAY, YOU PUT YOUR FINGER IN THE "P" HOLE.
IF YOU DON'T GET YOUR PARTY YOU PUT YOUR FINGER IN THE
OPERATORS HOLE AND GENTLY MOVE YOUR FINGER BACK AND
FORTH UNTILE THE OPERATOR COMES.
YOU WILL NOW BE ABLE TO MAKE A GOOD CONNECTION PROVIDED
YOU DON'T GO OFF BEFORE THE OPERATOR COMES.
A soldier returning to camp after a two week furlough
received this letter from his girl. She had written this
song,
M is for the many times you made me
O is for the other times you tried
T is for the trailer camps we stayed in
H is for the hell we raised inside
E is for the everlasting parties
R is for the wreck you made of me
Put them all together they spell "MOTHER"
And BROTHER, that's what I'm going to BE
The next day the soldier answered the letter and
returned the compliment by dedicating this song to
her
F is for your funny little letter
A is for the answer to your note
T is for your tearful accusations
H is for the hope I'd be the goat
E is for the ease with which I made you
R is for the rube you thought I'd be
Put them all together they spell "FATHER"
But you're crazy if you think it's gonna be ME.
May 12 1943
Dear Lu:
I have something in mind that
I have intended to tell you. You will probably
be shocked, but I have tried time & time
again to lead up to this matter; some how I
never could. Since it has been on my mind for
weeks, I have decided to tell you.
As you probably know, when I just began to
know you, my feeling toward you was only friendship
but as days and weeks went by that friendship has
turned into something more beautiful and sincere.
I never thought such a problem as this could
enter my life at such an early stage, yet now it
has.
I don't know if it is proper, or even fair to ask
you this question however, I do know what ever you
reply, you will be kind enough never to mention
it to anyone. You are the only person I could care
to ask this question. So please be positively sincere,
& above all, entirely truthful. Lay aside all thoughts
of modesty & friendship, & tell me.... Do you think
Superman will join the Army.
Love Latta
FART CALENDAR
WHATEVER DAY YOUR BIRTHDAY FALLS ON
THAT DAY IS YOUR FART CALENDAR.
THE MONTH IS NOT NECESSARY
1. Prompt man. Always ready with a fart.
2. Lazy man. Does not mind smelling his own.
3. Disappointed man. Tries to fart and can't.
4. Conceited man. Enjoys smelling his own.
5. Carless man. Farts in church.
6. Smart aleck. Farts in presence of ladies.
7. Clever man. Coughs and farts at the same time.
8. A miser. Bottles his own farts.
9. Never farts for fear of loosing the smell.
10. Timid man. Jumps when he farts.
11. Proud man. Farts tickles his ass.
12. Crooked man. Belches and cheats his ass out of a fart.
13. Unlucky man. Tries to fart and shits
14. Indifferent man. No class farts never stink.
15. Foolish man. Laughs when he farts.
16. Tough guy. Eats 'em alive.
17. Sloven man. Rots his pants with farts and fizzle.
18. Nervous man. Farts startle him.
19. Mean man. Like a cow—can't fart because his ass is flabby.
20. Pretty man. His face is so much like his ass, the fart don't know which way out.
21. Sneaky mam; Blames it on the dog.
22. Grouchy man. Grumbles when a lady farts.
23. Willie boy. Farts in bed and jumps under cover.
24. Fresh guy. Jumps in front of you and farts.
25. Lively guy. Jumps in the air and farts three times before he comes down.
26. Silly man. Tries to fart the candles out and singes his whiskers.
27. Bull shitter. Farts louder than anybody else.
28. Playful man. Sits down and tries to farts holes in the ground
29. Windy man. Raises dust when he farts.
30. Musical man. Tenor or bass clear as a bell, smells like a skunk, sounds like hell.
31. The champion. Farts faster than them all.
UNCLE SAM GETS A FEW $64 QUESTIONS
Springfield, Ill., March 11, 1943--(UP)--
The army is doing all it can expedite answers to
applications for dependency allotments, but occasionally it runs
into difficulties.
Excerpts from letters from, wives, mothers and
servicemen sent to the army's allowance and allotment branch head-
quarters in Washington, D.C. were exhibited today by T. M. Dowling,
Illinois state senator. They included:
" Please send ray elopement, as I have a 4 months
old baby and he is my only support and I need all I can get every day
to buy food and keep him in close."
"Please send my wife's form to fill out."
"Please send me a letter and tell me if my hus-
band made application for a wife and baby."
"Sir, I am forwarding my marriage certificate, and
my two children. One is a mistake as you
can see."
"Please find cut if my husband is dead for certain,
as the man I am living with won't eat or anything until he nose for
sure."
"You changed my little girl to a boy. Does this
make any difference?"
DEAR ——————
I'M SENDING THIS NOTE TO TELL YOU,
THAT THE NEW DEAL HAS TAKEN AWAY
ALL THE THINGS THAT I REALLY NEEDED—
MY WORKSHOP, MY REINDEER, MY SLEIGH,
SO I'M MAKING MY ROUNDS ON MY DONKEY,
AND HE'S OLD, AND HE'S LAME, AND HE'S SLOW;
SO YOU'LL KNOW IF I DON'T SEE YOU CHRISTMAS
THAT I'M OUT ON MY ASS IN THE SNOW.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
(SIGNED) SANTA CLAUS.
7th Race MIDNIGHT HANDICAP
SANTA ANITA
PASSIONATE LADY................................. 2/1
BARE BELLY...................................... 5/1
CONSCIENCE ...................................1000/1
HEAVING BOSOM .................................. 6/1
MERRY WIDOW..................................... 3/1
JOCKEY SHORTS.................................. 50/1
SILK PANTIES................................... 20/1
CLEAN SHEETS.................................. 100/1
BIG DICK........................................ 1/1
THIGHS......................................... 90/1
TWO ELIGIBLES............15 or Over
WEATHER.............Dark
TRACK...............Soft and Springy
Conscience is left at the post. Silk Panties and Jockey Shorts are
off with a rush. Bare Belly shows. Heaving Bosom is being pressed.
Merry Widow is caught between Thighs and Big Dick. Clean Sheets
is under the pack.
THE HALF—
It's Bare Belly on the top. Thighs opens a hole and Big Dick is
coming up. Heaving Bosom is still being pressed. Merry Widow is
caught between Thighs and Passionate Lady trails and Conscience is
completely lost.
AROUND THE FAR TURN—
It's Merry Widow between Big Dick and Passionate Lady. Thighs
is working hard and Bare Belly is under pressure.
INTO THE STRETCH—
Merry Widow cracks under the strain. Big Dick is going into the
drive. Passionate Lady is trying to keep ahead. Bare Belly is closing
up and it's Big Dick over Passionate Lady by a length.
AT THE FINISH—
It's Big Dick trying to push out in the front. But Passionate Lady
takes all he has and as Big Dick blows, it's a dead heat, Heaving
Bosom falls. Bare Belly is exhausted at the finish, Thighs pulls up
one. Clean Sheets never had a chance, and Conscience wasn't even in
the race. Big Dick made a quick squirt and won by a head.
"SNAFU: WHAT IS THE MEANING OF SNAFU?"
The Army has a new catchword,
The Navy uses it, too;
It seems the Marines
Understand what it means.
I don't so I'm asking you.
FIRST CHORUS
Snafu: What is the meaning of Snafu?
What's it all about; can't figure it out.
Is it contagious? Or simply outrageous?
Snafu: You hear it ev'rywhere, Snafu:
Is it like a pill, or is it a thrill?
Is it a military secret?
I asked a louey who at first was rather formal,
And then he laughed and shouted: Situation normal:"
Snafu: The greatest myst'ry in hist'ry.
Fun is fun, but why can't I find anyone
To spill the beans and tell me what Snafu
means?
SECOND CHORUS
Snafu: What is the meaning of Snafu?
is it something new that officers do?
is it a drop kick or only a top kick?
Snafu: You hear ev'rywhere, Snafu:
Is it cold or hot, inspected or not?
Is it a pot of GI coffee?
I wrote my congressman for further informa-
tion:
He said: "You'll have to start your own in-
vestigation.
Snafu: The greatest myst'ry in hist'ry.
Fun is fun, but why can't I find anyone
To spill the beans and tell me what Snafu
means.
VICE - Anything you enjoy that is bad for you.
VIRGINITY - A bubble on the stream of life that vanishes with the first prick.
VIRGIN SHEEP - One that can run faster than the shepherd.
WIFE - A gadget that you screw on the bed to get your housework done.
METEOROLOGIST - A man who can take a look at a platinum blonde and tell whether she is virgin metal or a common ore.
MINUTE MAN - A fellow who double parks in front of a whore house.
MISTRESS - Something between a Mister and a Matress.
OLD MAID - A girl of advanced ago who has gone through life with no runs, no hits, no errors — presumably.
PAJAMAS - Items of emergency taken on a honeymoon in case of a fire.
PANSY - A man who likes his sex vice-versa.
PAPOOSE - Consolation prize for taking a chance on an Indian blanket.
PIMP - A nooky-booky, by necessity a crack salesman.
RHUMBA - An asset to music.
UNDERDOG - A bitch.
ADOLESCENCE - An intermediate stage between puberty and adultery.
ALIMONY - The screwing you get for the screwing you got.
ANGEL - Female spirit who probably spends most of her life wishing she
could swap her harp for an upright organ.
BABY - A tube with a loud noise at one end and a complete lack of responsibility
at the other.
BABY PACIFIER - A bust in the mouth.
BATHROOM MENACE - A man having the misfortune of being circumcised at a
tender age by a cross-eyed Rabbi.
BRASSIERE - A device that makes mountains out of mole hills and vice-versa,
CASTRATED DINOSAUR - A colossal fossil with a docil tossel.
CHIVALRY - A man's inclination to defend a woman against every man but himself.
KEPT WOMAN - One who wears mink all day and fox all night.
KISS - Uptown shopping for downtown business, or propaganda before the invasion.
LOUSY BASTARD - A follow who sits in church and scratches while his parents
are being married.
DEAD STICK - When the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.
DIVORCE - What happens when two people can't stomach each other.
COMPLICATED - A confused situation that makes it hard to got at the works,
something like a knock-kneed virgin.
EXEMA - A goose with a gush, or a lack of rod corpuscles.
FATHERS DAY - Nine months before labor day.
SOB-SISTER - A girl who sits on your lap and bawls and makes it hard for you.
TAXIDERMIST - A man who mounts animals.
TRIPLETS - Taking serious what was poked in fun at you.
To avoid being raped, relax and enjoy it.
THE WOLF
If he parks his little flivver
Down beside the moonlit river '
And you feel him all a-quiver
Baby, he's a Wolf.
If he says you're gorgeous lookin'
And your dark eyes sot him cookin'
But your eyes aint where he's lookin'
Baby, he's a Wolf.
Whan he says that you're an eyeful
But his hands begin to trifle
And his heart pumps like a rifle
Baby, he's a Wolf.
If his arms are strong as sinew
And ho stirs the gypsy in you
And you want him close agin' you
Maybe YOU'RE THE WOLF!
Oh, picture a girl with plenty of zip
Who looks swell in a sweater, really a pip
With long slender legs, generous curves,
A gal who can do things to upset one's nerves.
Now just such a lass was Rosie McQueen,
Who came to the city when she was eighteen,
To work in an office for fifteen a week
And see what adventure a young girl might seek.
Her first day of work was one of delight,
She dated her boss that very same night.
He met her at seven, they dined and they wined
And hit all the night spots her boss had in mind.
At three in the morning with Rosie quite gay,
To her apartment they tiptoed their way.
They sat down together on Rosie's settee,
And she didn't mind his hand on
her knee.
He kissed her, and then, little Rosie cared less,
And gently his hand stole under her dress, [MS over]
APPARENTLY SOMEONE TORE OFF A PIECE.
Hotel Astor hired a new bus driver and instructed him
to meet incoming trains at the depot and shout in a
loud voice:
FREE BUS TO THE HOTEL ASTOR
En route to the station on his first trip, he kept repeat-
ing to himself: "Free Bus to the Hotel Astor," until he
had it perfect. Upon arriving at the station, he became
confused at the noise and hubbub and started speiling
as follows: "Free hotel at the bust your Astor; I mean
free ass at the hotel buster; I mean freeze your ass at
the hotel bastard; I mean freeze your ass at the Hotel
Astor; I mean bust your ass at the hotel freeze it."
Oh shit — take a street car.
Lines to an
Absent Husband
My dear, the house is spick-and-span
Since you are gone, untidy man.
No necktie dangling from a chair,
No muddy footprints on the stair;
My ash trays, I am proud to state,
Are every one immaculate;
And when I dash upstairs to scrub,
There is no ring around the tub,
No socks left lying on the floor,
No shorts hung on the bathroom
door!
This is the way a house should be,
I've always said—but, well, you see,
The clock has stopped; I can't
persuade it
To run the way you always made it.
The door to the garage won't work,
And now the percolator won't perc.
My kitchen knives are dull as care
Without your expert touch, and
there
Is no one to praise my lemon pies
Or comfort me with soothing lies,
Such as, "Of course you're not too
fat!
Well, anyhow, I like you like that!"
A house, I find, though spick-and-
span
Is not much fun without a man!
CHARTER MEMBERSHIP CARD
PALM SPRINGS NUDIST COLONY
All Privileges Extended by
AD ALLEGRINI
Dr. I. Pincher Titts Dr. Belly Bottom Reach
Camp Doctor Camp Director
Miss Squirma Butt
Secretary
IMPORTANT — See other side for Rules and Regulations.
RULES AND REGULATIONS
Positively no clothes permitted, except Jewish members may eat with their hats on.
Ladies permitted to wear wind shields in running games.
All Frenchmen must wear muzzles while on the grounds.
Barefoot nudists will look out for thorns or pricks.
All members playing leap frog must complete the jump.
Positively no Greeks allowed in the leap frog games.
Forest fires must be extinguished with water only.
Baseball players must keep their balls out of the virgin forest.
Sleep walkers must not walk around looking for other sleep walkers.
Positively no female sheep allowed on premises.
No nudists allowed in bushes after 10:00 P. M.
MB. O. STRADDLEPRATT, President.
Membership Open to All Business People Except Fruit
Merchants.
" A SAILORS DREAM"
Last Night as I lay in my bed
I dreamed my love and I were wed
And she so gently said
"DO IT "
And so I with rapture rose
And lifted up her under clothes
She said "darlin no one knows "
" DO IT "
It was a dream so soft and sweet
And when I woke in sweated heat
I found that there upon the sheet
" I DOOD IT "