There was
"Knock, Knock."
"Who's there?"
"Wet string"
"Wet string who?"
"Wet-string home wi' a song in the air..."

and then (Probably UK only)
"Knock, Knock."
"Who's there?"
"Ribena"
"Ribena who?"
"Ribena wild rover for many a year..."

Then there is the home repair song -
"Polycell, oh Polycell, the grout has now begun"

But my all time favourite must have been one of our local characters, Phil Atkinson, delivering the story of how he fell in love with a girl while on holiday in Spain. He wined and dined her, did all the right stuff and eventualy they went for a romantic walk on the beach. He suggested they went for a swim but she confided that she could not! Not to be beaten our lad quickly whipped a life ring from his pocket and inflated it. His lady love donned the swimming aid and stepped into the moonlit ocean - only to be washed away by a savage undercurrent. To which he sings the line...

"Where is the ring I gave to Nancy Spain!"

(Apologies to those who don't know the song and the origibal author)

Cheers

Dave the Gnome

Now ol' Billy Bob here had his eye on a nice looking Rambler down at Honest John's used car lot. Finally, he'd saved up enough money for the down payment and as soon as he picked up the car, he decided he'd go over to his best girl's house and take her for a spin to show off.

They drove around for a while and finally Billy Bob pulled to a stop out on a country road. He began putting the moves on his girlfriend and aluding to some of the car's “finer” features. Well, his girlfriend was a little shy and didn't think she wanted to do anything in broad daylight that might become an embarrasment if anyone should come by and see them.

Not to be discouraged, Billy Bob suggested that they get down under the car where they wouldn't be seen if anyone came by. Finally, she agreed and they hadn't been down under the car for more than five minutes or so when a deputy sheriff came by and stopped his car right next to them. The deputy called out, “Hey, what do you think you're doin' down down there?” Ol' Billy Bob hollered back, “Working on my transmission.” The deputy just laughed and said, “Well you'd better start working on your brakes, your Rambler's down at the bottom of the hill.”

Don't Give Your Heart to a Rambler

Refrain:
Don't fall in love with me darlin' I'm a rambler,
Although you're the sweetest sweetheart in this world,
It's all for your sake dear that I'm leavin',
Don't give your heart to a rambler little girl.

If I never had the blues little darlin',
Or the lure of the road on my mind,
But I'm bound to hear the whistle of a freight train,
And the boxcars as they rattle down the line.

(refrain)

I handed you a line and I'm sorry,
You're just a little sweeter than the rest,
Believe me when I say I don't want to hurt you,
Or do anything to mar your happiness.

      - Mark

You know, what makes me feel so good is knowing that I am so much better than these sad trolls. I run a folk club - White Lion, Manchester, UK, every Monday. I run a festival. Swinton again, every October. I run and go to more sessions than you ever will sad guest and you know why I know this?

Because you can never prove it. Because you hide behind your anonimty. I can call you whatever I want. You can never face me. I can face you whenever and wherever I want.

I know you enjoy these little titbits. And because you do I deign to feed you yet again. Yet without me you would not exist. You cannot win. Everyone I have ever known is better than you. The only way you can clamber out of that pit is to meet me and prove yourself.

You will not. I know I am on a winner...

Cheers and enjoy your moment of glory;-)

Dave the Giant.

Prefer to assume that I'm a cat or a monkey or a robot?

Well pressed, fellow guest

There is a four letter word which must have originated in Manchester that describes our guest/s perfectly.

It begins and ends in T, and is not 'Twit.'

Regards

Ian.

khandu

Don't take it for granted though;-)

Cheers

DtG

Pun intended;-)

I am indeed a sick little gnome!

Cheers

DtG

Knock knock!

Who's there?

M A B it's a big horse.

M A B it's a big horse who?

M A B it's a big horse I'm a Londoner...

LFF

I Used To Kiss Her On The Lips, But It's All Over Now.

or

Don't Sit On The Stove, Grandma. You're Too Old To Ride The Range.

Thank you all for coming (or however you reacted)!

"Give us an F" "Give us a U" "Give us a C" By this time, management are all set to pull the plug "F U C me walking down the street, just walk on by ..."

Knock, knock./ Who's there?/ Edward Albee./ Edward Albee who?/ Edward Albee donw to get you in a taxi, honey...

Knock, knock/ Who's there?/ Allah be praised./ Allah be praised who?/ Allah be praised./ Allah be merciful. Allah be down to get you in a taxi, honey...

This reminds me of that beautiful song about Mrs. Bea White. "....and may all your Chris Mrs. Bea White"

What's a now?

Don Firth

My late friend Adam used to come out with some some good titles as well like "It's been lonesome in the saddle since my horse dropped dead" but what about some more silly intro's?

How many pace eggers does it take to change a light bulb?

One, two, three Jolly boys all in one mind...

Oh dear.

Cheers and thanks for the laughs to date

DtG

Mike Strobel

And while I'm here.....

'Frappe frappe.

Qui est la?

Alors mi.

Alors mi qui?....'