Up the Noran Water
Me and my auld friend Paddy
We jouked intae a public hoose
In a place called Inglismaddie
We met a richt wee cracker there
She said her name was Anne
She was lovely as the floo'ers in May
And as desperate as Dan.

Nine months or so thereafter
Wee Annie had a bairn
Oh michty, help, she's dropped a whelp
And she wis a single parent
Her mother had a heart attack
And her Da near bust a gut
So Pat and me did baith agree
To keep our big mouths shut

Up the Norran Water
The countryfolk are dim
And Annie's no' that awfy sure
If it was me or him
Some say thet it's Thomas'
And others say it's Chay's
But since the lassie disnae ken
She cannae really say.

Up the Noran Water
The cheery little chappie
Boaks his breakfast doon his bib
And skitters in his nappy
And life at hame wi' Annie noo
I'm sure is far from still
For he cries just like a peacock
And he bellows like a bull

Up the Noran Water naebody ever mocks her
For Annie has a brother whae's
An ex-Olympic boxer
And Oh, the hardness o' his fist
And the madness in his ee
Makes me awfy glad that he
Has never heard of me

Up the Noran Water
She has a new admirer
This laddy seems in a' his dreams
To fervently desire her
He wrote a nice wee song for her
And she was fair impressed
He's so bewitched, they're getting hitched
I think it's for the best.

Notes for non Scots : A "cracker" in Scottish vernacular means a girl who is a "bit of all right" .It does not mean poor white trash! "Desperate as Dan " refers to a well-loved character, Desperate Dan, in a comic magazine xalled the "Dandy".
Some of Davie's rhymes appear to be advenrurous to say the least, but when you hear him sing the song, believe me they work.

Murray