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 Cucumbers (llewrtaH)
Version 1:
A lusty young lady from Texas
 Has developed a wonderful trend;
To purchase cucumbers for pleasure,
 'Cause she found they are better than men.
chorus: So line up your cucumbers, ladies,
They're selling for two bucks apiece.
 Your days of frustration are over,
'Cause cucumbers don't carry disease.
 In Thailand they're eaten with chilies,
 In England they're put between bread.
 But here we just use them for willies,
'Cause we know they will never want head.
 A cucumber has interesting ridges;
Comes in sizes from gherkin to great.
 And when they grow limp you can ditch 'em,
A buy a fresh one for your date.
They'll never leave stains on the mattress;
 They're happy to live in the fridge.
The loo seat is never left standing,
And I've never seen cucumber kids.
They always rise to the occasion;
 They never go soft halfway through.
 Stay firm and like any position,
And they'll never come before you.
A cucumber never is jealous
 Of the courgette sat in the veg tray.
 You don't have to diet or dress up,
 Or worry you're cucumber's gay.
 Cucumbers don't sulk or get selfish,
They don't take up all of the bed.
And if you do not want to fuck it,
You can dice it and eat it instead.
 So watch out, you self-centered he-men;
 You're not quite as great as you think.
 You can't guarantee when it's working,
And we can't trade you in when it shrinks.
A cucumber won't balk at anal;
It performs for hours on end.
 Keeps it up until you've had your pleasure;
 Cucumbers are better than men.
A cucumber won't get you pregnant,
So you don't have to carry a sheath.
And if you don't share a cucumber,
It won't give you venereal disease.
 So line up for a cucumber dildo;
I've zucchinis if you need a change.
Aunt Hilda she loves a stuffed marrow,
Or aubergines, -- try the whole range.
Version 2:
The attraction of a cucumber
Must be said, is amazingly queer.
 appends some who like nothing better,
 Than to stick a big one up their rear.
Now this is a tale of a fellow,
 We will call him the Cucumber Kid,
With a fetish for those salad items;
Let me recount the odd things he did.
 One day he hobbled in casually,
 With each step he emitted some gas.
 And the doctors, they found a cucumber,
 Rammed tight up the poor kid's sore ass.
He promised no longer to do it,
 Though he found it erotic and nice.
 The next day he limped back to the doctor,
Up his ass they discovered two mice.
Once more he swore never to do this,
But returned, he pants covered with shit.
 A cucumber stuck out of his rectum;
 His anus was ragged and split.
The kid had this very strange fetish
Which he found he could only assuage,
 By sticking huge veg up his asshole,
But he miscalculated the guage.
 For an asshole is only designed
 For the size of the turd you produce.
 And not as an entrance for veggies,
 For which the lad had such strange use.
 They suggested vibrators or dildoes,
Would be safer for his preferred vice.
Cucumbers are downright disastrous;
 Rodentophilia is cruelty to mice.
 For a few week we no longer saw him,
Then one day he limped back to the door.
And when we examined his asshole,
 A cucumber was wedged there once more.
He told us he'd tried the vibrator,
 And the dildo, but they were too thin.
He only got kicks from cucumbers,
 How they stretched him when he forced them in.
Alas, the poor kid he is dead now; perotinitis took him away
Some say he is pushing up daisies, more likely cucumbers, we say.