Humoresque
Passengers will please refrain
 From flushing toilets while the train
Is standing in the station, I love you.
We encourage constipation
While the train is in the station,
 Moonlight always makes me think of you.
 If you wish to pass some water,
Kindly call the Pullman porter,
He'll place a vessel in the vestibule.
 If the porter isn't there,
 Try the platform in the rear,
The one in front is likely to be cool.
If the women's room be taken,
Never feel the least forsaken,
 Never show a sign of sad naivette.
 Try the men's room cross the hall,
 If some man has had the call,
He'll courteously relinquish you his seat.
If these methods all are vain,
 Kindly smash a window pane,
This novel method's used by very few.
We go waltzing through the park,
Goosing statues in the dark,
If Sherman's horse can take it, why can't you.
(Oscar Brand)
Hoboes riding underneath,
Will get it in their eyes and teeth,
And curse the bastard pissing up above.
Listen to it drop and splatter,
Listen to it steam and spatter,
Darling I give to you all my love.
(Jim Duke)
Drinking while the train is moving
 Is another way of proving,
 That control of hand and eye is sure.
We like our clients to be neat,
So please do not wet upon the seat,
Or even worse, don't splash upon the floor.
 If you simply have to go
When other people are too slow,
There is only one thing you can do.
You'll just have to take a chance;
 Be brave and do it in your pants,
But I'll forgive you darling, I love you.
I love to go out after dark,
And goose the statues in the park,
 A lovely pastime at the close of day.
Unperturbed they stand so still,
While it's me that gets the thrill;
It really is a lovely way to play.
I just have noticed lately,
That they stand there very stately,
Out there while the dew is on the ground.
I just love to barely tease them,
And sometimes I do displease them,
 When I don't show up when the sun goes down.
The Thinker is the only one
With whom I never have no fun.
 He sits upon a boulder, rough and coarse.
Napoleon sits on his steed,
I cannot goose him, no indeed,
 And so instead I goose his horse.
Mabel, Mabel, strong and able,
 Get your big ass off the table;
Don't you know the quarter's for the beer.
 As I sit here tearing tissue,
Oh, my darling, how I miss you;
If you can't take it frontwise, try the rear.
(llewtraH)
He'll courteously relinquish you his seat.