05/28/2004 There once was a method, RG, That gets rid of the infinity. Some say that the bug Is hid by a rug, But maybe that's how it should be. 52902 PHYSICS David Morin et al This answers your hasty request To speed up your medical test: Your increase in weight Is nothing you ate, It's just E over c square; just rest. 52903 PHYSICS Edward H Green On coming home early, old Fred Found Ned with his wife, both in bed. Said old Fred, so severe, "What are you doing here?" "We all have to be somewhere," said Ned. 52904 PHYSICS Albin Chaplin Mathematics is science's queen; Electronics: technology's dean. But all bow in awe Besides Murphy's Law, As the ruler of earthly routine. 52905 PHYSICS Prof M-G As physics gets harder and harder, The physicists seem to get smarter. They now know topology, With its groups cohomology, And those things are just for a starter. 52906 PHYSICS Kay R Devicci The alchemists, so I have read, Tried hard to make gold out of lead; But the more modern cult (With the same end result) Is begging from Congress, instead. 52907 PHYSICS Daniel Mittleman Of all thrills coming to men, The best is the call from Sweden. You've won the Nobel Prize; Your chest increases in size. Mom! Get my suitcase from out the playpen. 52908 PHYSICS Carl A Benz 'tHooft had the realization Of couplings' peculiar relation. He'd only just solve Just how they evolve, Performing renormalization. 52909 PHYSICS Bruce Elliot A simple improvement I've found: Let troublesome numbers be round, And both pi and "e" Be equal to three, And kgm = 2 lb. 52910 PHYSICS Edward H Green For tradition I have great respect, And Sod's Law I'd never suspect. But you can be tricked When these two conflict: Which one can you say is correct? 52911 PHYSICS Tiddy Ogg Now a cat always lands on its feet; So tradition says. And I repeat, Toast when golden brown, Lands butter side down, Or Professor Sod's Law will be beat. 52912 PHYSICS Tiddy Ogg I needed to find out the truth, So I took the cat up to the roof -- All fourteen floors, Though it scratched with its claws, And bit, I must have the proof. 52913 PHYSICS Tiddy Ogg To its back I strapped once slice of bread; With butter, 'twas liberally spread; In the interest of science, Despite his defiance, To the parapet's edge I did tread. 52914 PHYSICS Tiddy Ogg I tossed the cat over the rail; It spat, yowled, and gave a bale- ful glare as it fell, It wished me to Hell... But that's not the end of my tail. 52915 PHYSICS Tiddy Ogg A truck passing by in the street, Its load covered by canvas sheet, By the kitty was caught, And it gallantly fought To cling to the side with its feet. 52916 PHYSICS Tiddy Ogg So now with my news I've regaled You, but my schemings all failed. I've still no evidence Of which takes precedence, And probably soon I'll be jailed. 52917 PHYSICS Tiddy Ogg If time and space are random, It's hard to understand 'em. Things aren't so odd If you picture a God, Quod erat demonstrandum. 52918 PHYSICS Richard Long There once was a tunnel in Texas; To physics, it turned out a nexus. Congress said, "Nay! For this we won't pay; It won't help in building a Lexus." 52919 PHYSICS David Morin et al God said to his cosmos directors, "I've added some stringent selectors. One is the clause That your physical laws Shall be written in terms of 4-vectors." 52920 PHYSICS - ACADEME David Morin To think I spent nine years at Duke To study the physics of Nuke, To get my degree, An unused Ph.D. It's enough to make somebody puke. 52921 PHYSICS - ACADEME Nick Staffa I sing the Am. Phys. Soc's first century, And our labors both bookish and venturey, Now our Physical Reviews Come in multiple hues, Wherein none of it seems elementary. 52922 PHYSICS - ACADEME Peter Price There once was a student with flash, Who set out to make a big splash. But the profs who were rising Had no time for advising; She's back on the streets, selling hash. 52923 PHYSICS - ACADEME David Morin et al Professor, you should be commended On your theory so geniusly splendid. But some say it's luck And that you really suck, 'Cause your theory's not what you intended. 52924 PHYSICS - ACADEME David Morin The chairman of AT&T Said, "Your graduate physics degree Is not worth a penny. Of your kind, we've too many. Perhaps you can program in C?" 52925 PHYSICS - ACADEME Steve Langer PR9703 Said a researcher in nuclear fusion, "My research will dispel all confusion; At least it will later, When I've doctored my data, To make sure it supports my conclusion. 52926 PHYSICS - ACADEME Jim Menger P9205 Neglecting his wife for career, Isaac Newton, his conscience to clear, Brought her biscuits in bed Saying "Love you." She said, "But I couldn't give a fig Newton, dear." 52927 PHYSICS - ACADEME Peter Wilkins There once was a Solid State Phys. Who hated this Quantum Math biz. "Forget all that crap, The band has a gap, And that's just the way that it is." 52928 PHYSICS - ACADEME Devlin Gualtieri There was a physicist named Bohr Who said on Pigalle to a whore: "I'm full of 'hu', How about a good screw? Why, that's what my Fulbright is for!" (to rhyme it is 'hu' but in reality it is 'hv' - McW) 52929 PHYSICS - ACADEME G2574 When young, the lad Isaac Newton, While under a tree that was fruitin', Got hit by an apple, Which forced him to grapple With gravity needin' computin'. 52930 PHYSICS - ACADEME Prof M-G A professor of Physics named May Complained of the classroom today, "The problem, you know, Is that they're too slow. We were far better students than they." 52931 PHYSICS - ACADEME Bruce Elliot PR9703 His friend, a professor named Beecham, Said, "It's true, you don't seem to reach 'em. But they're not to blame, For they haven't the same Class of teachers that we had to teach 'em!" 52932 PHYSICS - ACADEME Bruce Elliot PR9703 A certain Phys Rev referee Considers all papers with glee: "What's new is not true, And what's true is not new, Unless it was written by me." 52933 PHYSICS - ACADEME George Cody PR9703 There are several Great Lies that we know. One is "I'll love you tomorrow." Here's another false word That we've recently heard, "With less money, your research will grow!" 52934 PHYSICS - ACADEME Beall Flower The ad said, for one little fee, You can skip all that grad-school ennui. So sent your tuition, No need for admission! Get your mail-order physics degree! 52935 PHYSICS - ACADEME David Morin et al A grad student's search for advisors Turned up a boatload of misers. There was barely a nickel, Cash flowed in a trickle, And not, as expected, in geysers. 52936 PHYSICS - ACADEME David Morin et al Since the Unending Frontier's demise, A change in perspective seems wise. For no grants will be hatched With string theories attached, While society's eye's on the prize. 52937 PHYSICS - ACADEME Peter Price There once was an academician, Whose papers should've earned the position, But were too-fewly numbered, So untenured he lumbered, Till he fell to the ranks of attrition. 52938 PHYSICS - ACADEME David Morin et al Who needs balance and check? Screw peer review -- what the heck! Send all of your crap To the internet -- zap! Who cares if it's nothing but dreck! 52939 PHYSICS - ACADEME David Morin et al PR9703 "Your physics proposal is clear," Said the fund officer with a sneer. "But I can't grant your dough; Your research is too slow; Only one Nobel Prize every year." 52940 PHYSICS - ACADEME Stanley Bashkin When Physics professors get old, As thousands do yearly, I'm told, And the question is what Should be done with this glut, Why, just kick them out in the cold. 52941 PHYSICS - ACADEME Stanley Bashkin The referee caused him much strife. She sounded so much like his wife. "Accept my derisions On all your revisions, And get the hell out of my life!" 52942 PHYSICS - ACADEME David Morin et al To students unsure of their station, Our colleague made prognostication. Your competitor's facts In ordering acts, Rank physics before fornication. 52943 PHYSICS - ACADEME Phil Best on M Walker An attractive young person named Fader, Though psychiatrists struggled to aid her, Believed that she was A robot because Her physics professor had made her. 52944 PHYSICS - ACADEME A. N. Wilkins P8311 There once was a world full of things, But Ed said "'Tis nothing but strings. With Kaluza extensions To Eleven dimensions, It's really quite simple," he sings. 52945 PHYSICS - ACADEME David Morin et al Our search for the Boson of Higgs Was arrested by Washington bigs. Though we lost our collider, We retain the provider Of bon mots, cause we got Joe Bob Briggs. 52946 PHYSICS - ACADEME Pecos Bill A physicist at MIT Constructed a new T.O.E. He was fit to be tied When he found it implied That seven plus four equals three. (Theory of Everything) 52947 PHYSICS - ACADEME Martin Gardner P9801 Whether abstract, profound, or just mystic, Or boring, or somewhat simplistic, A theory should lead To results that we need In limits, non-relativistic. 52948 PHYSICS - ACADEME David Morin This brilliant academician Was constantly wishin' and wishin', That he could invent A new element, Or an item like nuclear fission. 52949 PHYSICS - ACADEME Al Willis Your units are wrong! cried the teacher. Your church weighs six joules -- what a feature! The people inside Are six hours wide, And eight Gauss away from the preacher. 52950 PHYSICS - ACADEME David Morin et al A fellow with rings in his nose, Had strange insubstantial woes, That lightning might strike Through his schnozz to his psyche, So he grounded himself through his toes. 52951 PHYSICS - ELECT Jan Sand Ampere, combing Volta's toupee, Was arrested (ecstatic, they say), And wired to Watt: "I was shocked; I forgot That Volta'd be Ohm Faraday." 52952 PHYSICS - ELECT Cybergeezer A lady removing her scanties Heard them crackle electrical chanties. Said her husband, "My dear, I very much fear You suffer from amps in your panties." 52953 PHYSICS - ELECT A fellow, Ben Franklin by name, At trying new things, he was game. On dark stormy night, Tied a key to a kite; And proved lightning and 'lectric the same. 52954 PHYSICS - ELECT Gifford Wherry A TV repairman named Spencer Concocted a fucking dispenser. But a fucker did prove If you're not in the groove, When you blow, you will blow a condenser. 52955 PHYSICS - ELECT Albin Chaplin 3024-2316 Grad student Edwin H. Hall, So excited, he'd bounce off the wall, Said, "This brand new effect Causes charge to deflect, Given current and B-field -- that's all." 52956 PHYSICS - ELECT Daniel Koon An electronic scheme promised lots From coherently joined nanodots. But when Coulomb blockaded, The gadgets abraded, And converted their white noise to shots. 52957 PHYSICS - ELECT Peter Price Her waveguide goes into F mode. My cavitron soon will explode. The flux is so great We demodulate. But not before melting a load. 52958 PHYSICS - ELECT H Welchel I once built a stereo amp. I switched on, my palms were damp. No bang! What the heck, I'll plug in the deck. I did it! Aren't I a champ! 52959 PHYSICS - ELECT Tiddy Ogg I put on an old 45, To which I once used to jive. The tone was divine, Like sweet sparkling wine; I really was coming alive. 52960 PHYSICS - ELECT Tiddy Ogg The record came to a stop. Then off to the amp I did hop. There was a strange smell. Oh Shit! Bloody Hell! Smoke's pouring out of the top. 52961 PHYSICS - ELECT Tiddy Ogg That thing never worked again. I threw it right out in the rain. With soldering, I'm done; It's no bloody fun, When your efforts go up in flame. 52962 PHYSICS - ELECT Tiddy Ogg Electrons once wanted to mate In a superconducting s-state... As they circled around, Was isotropy found, Or was d-wave their ultimate fate? 52963 PHYSICS - ELECT Barbara Levi When her circuits she find out of sorts, Her electrician strongly exhorts That her cares will be brief; He can bring quick relief By deftly removing her shorts. 52964 PHYSICS - ELECT Bob Giandomenico P8802 Miss Farad was pretty and sensual And charged to a reckless potential, But a rascal named Ohm Conducted her home -- He decline was, alas, exponential. 52965 PHYSICS - ELECT A P French PR9703 The blood of a miner named Gorth, Was loaded with iron -- one fourth. So his prick when erected, By the poles was affected, And he only could fuck facing North. 52966 PHYSICS - ELECT Albin Chaplin 3024-2089 Implicit in Maxwelll's equations Are truly important relations. While fields are unchanged, Potentials may range, Distinguished by guage transformations. 52967 PHYSICS - ELECT Bruce Elliot I'm workin at this fine power station Looking at all the illumination. From lightning up high, This thundering sky Is now causing me great vexation. 52968 PHYSICS - ELECT Lightbulb You see, I have just the worst luck; When born, with lightning I was struck. And ever since then I'll never know when... Ah, I now see the light. OH FUCK! 52969 PHYSICS - ELECT Lightbulb It's so sad. We'd finally gotten To like you, Lightbulb. Yes it's rotten That you took a jolt From a lightning bolt. Again...You'll be quickly forgotten. 52970 PHYSICS - ELECT Carol Your admission is so full of spice, It required me to cool off in ice. But I feel some dejection As I think in reflection, Could it be that lightning will strike twice? 52971 PHYSICS - ELECT A young electrician called Sparks Held a wire and made some remarks. Which repeated, I hear, Were not fit for the ear, But they meant it was live. I've got marks! 52972 PHYSICS - ELECT Arthur Pattaffy Maxwell had much time to think, While dipping his pen in the ink. Today's computations With Maxwell's equations, Don't leave you the time for a wink. 52973 PHYSICS - ELECT Amikam Aharoni "In a year and a half," says young Moore, The speed of transistors will soar, And eighteen months later, T'will be even greater" Beyond that, though, I dare not keep score!" 52974 PHYSICS - ELECT Norman Storer P0211 This fact you should know evermore, (The formula comes from Ohm's Law) Overcome all resistance, Learn by persistence That V = I x R. 52975 PHYSICS - ELECT Keith Johnson P9204 When using potentials, effective, Remember the one main objective; The goal is to shun All dimensions but one. And then view things with 1-D perspective. 52976 PHYSICS - ELECT David Morin My brother likes lying in hammocks; My sister likes doing ceramics; But I get my kicks From all the neat tricks In quantum electrodynamics. 52977 PHYSICS - ELECT Kay R Devicci A radio ham living in Brent, In time his equipment all bent. If there was a strong breeze, He'd upset local bees, And his signals returned as they're sent! 52978 PHYSICS - ELECT Arthur Pattaffy An electrical dealer from Distance Said, "Ma'am, can I be of assistance?" But he got quite a shock When she took off her frock And said, "Will you test my resistance?" 52979 PHYSICS - ELECT Harold C Bibby When crossing your vectors at school, You'll use your right hand as a tool. But look in the mirror, And then you'll see clearer. You could just use the left-handed rule. 52980 PHYSICS - ELECT David Morin While trimming the tree with the tinsel, Adjusting the lights was essential. So I took hold of the wire And started a fire, Because there was so much potential. 52981 PHYSICS - ELECT Roma Our bouyant new physics instructor Has found a new superconductor. He shouts, "The Tc Is room temp -- do you see!?" While afloat on a magnetic inductor. 52982 PHYSICS - ELECT Jonathan P Dowling A electrical expert named Clark, Tried sparking a girl in the park; Watt he did she resisted, "Take me ohm," she insisted, "In bed where I best strike an arc." 52983 PHYSICS - ELECT Ed Potts P8503 There once was a man named Transistor; His wife was away and he missed her. A girl made a play, But he said "No way!" 'Cause he had the power to resist her. 52984 PHYSICS - ELECT Jim Weaver Collection A bright engineering assistant, Claimed nature to be insconsistent. When he probed a Miss Ohm, In the lab of his home, He found she was quite unresistant. 52985 PHYSICS - ELECT Pierce Evans The thermo exam was quite near-o And he thought everything was quite clear-o; "Why study this junk, I'm sure I won't flunk." But they gave him an Absolute Zero. 52986 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD Kay R. Devicci PR9703 A couple of young guys in Boulder, Cooled their gas cloud down colder and colder. Then with much exhortation, They hit Bose Condensation, And beat out their rivals (much older). 52987 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD Jonathan P. DowlingPR9703 There once were two chemists with zeal; These guys, Boyle and Charles were for real. They combined their gas laws, Which we know to have flaws, 'Cause their gases weren't really ideal! 52988 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD There was a young man named Carnot Whose engine was best in the show. With enough fuel to burn, It gave work every turn, And heat went from high T to low. 52989 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD Ronald K Wangsness A scientist, showing no mirth, Said, "If I owned all of the Earth, I'd give all I've got For a single good shot At the goof who gave cold fusion birth." 52990 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD James Randi McHumbug maintains the delusion, That soon we'll be getting cold fusion. For two weeks he's strove, With an old pot on the stove, To detect neutron flux in profusion. 52991 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD Jonathan P Dowling Put palladium down in a pot, Add water and see what you've got! Cold fusion, said some; Most turned down a thumb: The studies showed clearly it's not. 52992 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD Barbara Levi The physicist made an intrusion, On a conclave that dealt with illusion. "This meeting, by far, Would be better to tar And feather the ghost of cold fusion." 52993 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD James Randi Gabriel Daniel Fahrenheit Was certainly no acolyte Of Celcius' guage -- It just made him rage And use much jargon impolite. 52994 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD Timothy Torkildson For ages the hearth's celebrated; Its warm comfort made chilled folk elated Pets, too, found heat good Snugly stored in the wood, To be later, by flame, liberated. 52995 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD Esther Koch P0201 Raised on the old sod, just by chance; Took things lightly; had no yen to advance. With no child, wood, or coal, Home was a hidey hole Still it was cozy; peat came from kind aunts. 52996 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD Esther Koch P0201 In Fairbanks there blew a big storm; The temperature dropped below norm. To his car ran young Mose With hot water, which froze, And so quickly, the ice was still warm. 52997 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD Albin Chaplin 3024-2805 Pre-revolutionary War, Insulation was very poor. I'm digging it out With quite a big pout; My arms are becoming most sore. 52998 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD I know this is what I should do, But it is a total yuck stew Of corncobs and bats, With jars, old felt hats; Dead mice I cannot but eschew. 52999 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD There once was a physicist, Watt, And great were the marvels he wrought. If you get a letter -- To open it better Make sure that the kettle is hot. 53000 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD Irving Superior P9707 To his colleague, James said, "I've a thought. Tell me please--do you like it or not? Let's relate working force To the strength of the horse!" But his friend, unimpressed, said, "So, Watt." 53001 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD William N. Nesbit P9707 A Yukon Professor quite quizzical Liked studying properties physical. He was very bold; The weather was cold. When he pissed, all he got was a whizzicle. 53002 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD Phillip Devicci A young physicist, surnamed deMurk, Had tough duties he never would shirk. His research, near to zero, Almost made him a hero, But he never could warm to his work. 53003 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD Stanley Bashkin Watt's dream was the cream of steam engines. Instead we get trains with a vengence. A lot of hot air, And 'Travelers Fare', Was this his invention's intentions? 53004 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD Bill Greenwell Wee Jamie, a canny young Scot, Observed, when the kettle was hot, That the steam raised the lid, And it's thanks to this kid That you and I know Watt's watt. 53005 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD Joyce Johnson When the temperature's forty degrees Below zero, coversion's a breeze. From the Fahrenheit scale To the Celsius, they'll Show an equal amount of hard freeze! 53006 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD Prof M-G TP9901 Up the ladder went Celsius in fright, And he shook in great fear at his plight; For the more he went higher, The more he'd perspire -- He did not very well fare in height. 53007 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD Albin Chaplin 3024 P8511 Men vary in rates they acquire New thoughts to fulfill their desire. By exertion of wit Some men, atoms have split, While in Watts, some have learned about fire. 53008 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD Albin Chaplin 3024 P9708 The scientist, Wernher von Keating, Told how to save fuel at a meeting. To get gas we must leach A political speech, And consume it for cooking and heating. 53009 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD Albin Chaplin 3024 P9708 From Centigrade to Fahrenheit-- I never seem to get it right. And now a plus, There's Celsius. So which hot time will I have tonight? 53010 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD Irving Superior P9707 There's no NOTHING FOR SOMETHING to claim, No BREAK EVEN to bring you much fame. It is THERMODYNAMICS, Where a man often panics, For he CANNOT GET OUT OF THE GAME. 53011 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD Al Chaplin P9203 A young engineer from Capri Thought thermodynamics pure glee. From Maxwell to Joule Their works, as a rule, Moved him perpetually. 53012 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD J Simpson I wish my endeavors progress, But I know that they'll always regress. I've used all my strength, Gone to such a great length, Yet all I've achieved is a mess. 53013 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD Nawahl A physicist friend never ceases To tell me that things fall to pieces. You can't fix a border 'Round states of disorder, For entropy ever increases. 53014 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD Tiddy Ogg Yes, entropy sure is a fox, Even leading to Gibb's Paradox. For the universe, however, Does it change, no, not ever. It stays constant like we're in a box. 53015 PHYSICS - HEAT/COLD Nawahl My request may seem a bit dotty, And my knowledge of physics is spotty; But it's just been reported, Photons teleported. I'm ready, so beam me up, Scotty. 53016 PHYSICS - LIGHT SPEED Limerick Savant There once was a woman named Kerr, Who could travel much faster than her. In the course of a day, In a relative way, She'd become the most absolute blur. 53017 PHYSICS - LIGHT SPEED Anon Relativity tells us that light Has a speed firmly fixed. That's all right From dawn until evening, But who is believing That the law can apply in the night. 53018 PHYSICS - LIGHT SPEED Kirk Miller There was a young lady named Bright, Who could fuck much faster than light. She screwed one day, In a relative way, And she came on the previous night. 53019 PHYSICS - LIGHT SPEED A. Reginald Buller To her friends, that Miss Bright use to chatter, "I have learned something new about matter, My speed was so great That is increased my weight; Yet I failed to become any fatter." 53020 PHYSICS - LIGHT SPEED A. H. Buller We've heard of that fellow called Bright, And his trip on that fabulous night. But his increasing mass Would have soon proved so vast, He'd have been a most 'singular' sight! 53021 PHYSICS - LIGHT SPEED When she left Ms Bright was quite tall; On returning she seemed rather small. "I seem to have shrunk," She said to her Unk. "For awhile I was nothing at all!" 53022 PHYSICS - LIGHT SPEED Neal Wilgus P8211 Bright's boyfriend was tall, dark and strong, And what's better, his manhood was long. But after the trip When she asked him to strip, They found he'd a foreshortened dong! 53023 PHYSICS - LIGHT SPEED Neal Wilgus P8211 Spam, in a relative way, Has properties rather outre. It speeds at such rate To your gut from your plate, It's excreted the previous day. 53024 PHYSICS - LIGHT SPEED Jerry Missel A Chinese inventor named Wu Climbed out of a window and flew. At the peak of his flight, He went faster than light, And that's damnably tricky to do. 53025 PHYSICS - LIGHT SPEED Harald S. Green P8510 A fencing instructor named Fisk, In sex was terribly brisk. So fast was his action, The Fitzgerald contraction, Foreshortened his prick to a disk. 53026 PHYSICS - LIGHT SPEED Tony Boucher G2636 L1204 Now Fisk and his disk had a date And he hoped that his girlfriend would mate. But they both knew the risk For with foreplay so brisk, The disk might just slide off the plate. 53027 PHYSICS - LIGHT SPEED Neal Wilgus P8211 Relativistic limericks have the attraction Of being shrunk by a Lorentz contraction. But for readers unwary, The results may be scary, When they see just a fraction... (in action. - McW) 53028 PHYSICS - LIGHT SPEED David Morin et al There once was a fat Anglo-Saxon Who raced 'round while puttin' his slacks on. "My trousers won't fit If they don't shrink a bit, With Lorentz-Fitzgerald's contraction. 53029 PHYSICS - LIGHT SPEED Steve Langer If that meteor is going to go Faster than light, then we'll know That Einstein is right, If it flies out of sight And lands many eons ago. 53030 PHYSICS - LIGHT SPEED PeterW If one tries to fly faster than C, Then M will be big as can be. To accelerate through A constant so true, Would require way too much energy. 53031 PHYSICS - LIGHT SPEED "People can travel," said Albert Einstein, The speed of light in a gadget of mine. When my in-laws go fast, Back into the past, Relatively speaking, they're not mine. 53032 PHYSICS - LIGHT SPEED Kirk Miller There once was a young man named Lee, Charged with running a red light in Philly. "But your honor, 'twas green, At least it had been; I was moving at .2 times c." 53033 PHYSICS - LIGHT SPEED A M Gabrys Albert Einstein was driving one night When he reached a speed faster than light. Then he took a quick peek In his mirror, and "EEK!" -- For his headlights weren't dipped, but on bright. 53034 PHYSICS - LIGHT SPEED Prof M-G What did Einstein, while driving one night At a speed so much faster than light, In his mirror observe That near caused him to swerve? His very own headlights, on bright! 53035 PHYSICS - LIGHT SPEED Prof M-G Now after an evening of sin, you are OD'ing on granny's slow gin, you are Both keeling and reeling, That's much like the feeling Of a drop through the space-time continua. 53036 PHYSICS - LIGHT SPEED At fuck-speed approaching small c, Her throbbing twat triggered my glee. But as I collapsed She poured me a Pabst And claimed that I came before she. (it's i before e except after c...) 53037 PHYSICS - LIGHT SPEED H Welchel Such antics can lead to a crime If m c squared equal a prime. A mathematical converson Of this temporal inversion Can send her too far back in time. 53038 PHYSICS - LIGHT SPEED MrMalo According to Professor Parsifal, It is certainly not quite imparsible That this time machine Spits her out at fifteen, And your situation is incarcerable. 53039 PHYSICS - LIGHT SPEED MrMalo They say there's no space for my pendulum; Guess time is the same old continulum. Just hope my fast frien' Does not warp back past ten, And pinch off my choad at the endulum. 53040 PHYSICS - LIGHT SPEED H Welchel Her climax will come from the past, While into the future I blast. There will be no cheer As you will not hear; The disintegration will happen too fast. 53041 PHYSICS - LIGHT SPEED Roy Herselman Your molecules will rearrange So fast, you won't notice the change. As your parts dissemble, You'll begin to resemble Dennis Rodman with a case of the mange. (D R - Chicago Bulls cross-dressing rebounder 1998) 53042 PHYSICS - LIGHT SPEED MrMalo For things moving free or at rest, Observe what the First Law does best. It defines a key frame, Inertial by name, Where the Second Law then is expressed. 53043 PHYSICS - MECHANICS David Morin Lo, the old Archimedean screw Is still being used in Peru, And they use it in Spain To elevate grain, And in Egypt to irrigate snoo. (Walt Kelly had the first definition in Pogo - McW) 53044 PHYSICS - MECHANICS Cyber Geezer Archimedes while dipped to his waist, Tried screwing a mermaid in haste. But he failed to account For his weight in the mount, Which equaled the water displaced. 53045 PHYSICS - MECHANICS Albin Chaplin 3024 P9708 Said a classicist down in Peru, "When in love you can best follow through, And show your devotion, With the helical motion, Of the great Archimedean screw." 53046 PHYSICS - MECHANICS Archimedes could have not have felt bleaker, As he bathed and swigged wine from a beaker. H20 he displaced But no longer grimaced, As he burst forth with one word, "Eureker." 53047 PHYSICS - MECHANICS Loren Fitzhugh P0109 One morning while eating my Wheaties, I felt the Earth move 'neath my feeties. The cause for alarm Was a long lever arm, At the end of which grinned Archimedes. 53048 PHYSICS - MECHANICS David Morin Archimedes said, "My darling daughter, Please immerse yourself in this water." She said, "Father, I know It's your principle, though Could you please make it just a bit hotter?" 53049 PHYSICS - MECHANICS William N. Nesbit P9707 Long ago Archimedes did shout, "I have found what it is without doubt, The upthrust (or force), Is equal (of course), To the weight of the fluid pushed out." 53050 PHYSICS - MECHANICS Keith Johnson P9204 Could someone inform me, pray tell, The precise sound of a Rebel Yell, Or impart unto me The max velocity Attained by a bat out of Hell? 53051 PHYSICS - MECHANICS Loren C. Fitzhugh P9605 One day you have a clear path To spend your hour in the bath. With arch deities Like Archimedes, And the power of physics and math. 53052 PHYSICS - MECHANICS David Markowitz Another day, but not to bore you; The towel's gone that would restore you. You're late; you fuss; Get hit by a bus. Well, there goes chaos for you. 53053 PHYSICS - MECHANICS David Markowitz There once was a bird filled with gas, Who bobbed back and forth with its mass, For one complete hour, Changing sunlight to power; Its novelty never surpassed. 53054 PHYSICS - MECHANICS Laura Gold Daniel Ripin Said the professor, "Land of Goshen! I teach classes about the ocean. When they leave here, This much I fear, They all study bodies in motion. 53055 PHYSICS - MECHANICS Tom Patton P9708 Said a scientist based at Shipshore, As he fondled the boobs of a whore, "Just the press of my hand Seems to make you expand, Thereby contravening Boyle's Law. 53056 PHYSICS - MECHANICS Hugh Oliver 38c Man's greatest inventions are few, Though pundits are prone to rank two As vitally clever-- The wheel and the lever, More essential by far, is the screw. 53057 PHYSICS - MECHANICS To barbarity man said adieu, As brilliant inventions accrue. To create wheel and lever Was remarkably clever, But divinely inspired was the screw. 53058 PHYSICS - MECHANICS Albin Chaplin G2236 The change in the two cars' momentum Was that which a third car had lent them. Total P was conserved, Until braking, they swerved, And total K E, till it bent them. 53059 PHYSICS - MECHANICS David Morin et al There was an old teacher called Grace, Who often fell flat on her face. The reason you see, Was her C of G, Was somewhat too high for her base. (C of G - center of gravity) 53060 PHYSICS - MECHANICS Keith Johnson P9204 Risking the Fundamentalist's curse And their accusations perverse, Unequivocally It is crystal clear we Share a disorderly universe. 53061 PHYSICS - MECHANICS Loren Fitzhugh P0201 On a merry-go-round in the night, Coriolis was shaken with fright. Despite how he walked, 'Twas like he was stalked, By some fiend always pushing him right. 53062 PHYSICS - MECHANICS David Morin et al PR9703 Here's proof of it, ladies and gents: Those scientist folks are so dense, That no speeds can be reckoned In cubits per second, And that cost us each fifty cents. 53063 PHYSICS - MECHANICS That depends, to some minor extent, On the census. Our nation's intent Is: Spend twenty-four bucks Per person -- That sucks! And get within seven percent. 53064 PHYSICS - MECHANICS For that kind of money I'd measure Each gentleman's most valued treasure; Convert that to meters, Then factor those peters By the cube of their sex partner's pleasure. 53065 PHYSICS - MECHANICS For the girls I would count pussy hairs, And applying the sum of root squares, To whichever is less. I'll bet I could guess A reliable figure like theirs. 53066 PHYSICS - MECHANICS For distance, take initial speed Times time, and then next you'll need Acceleration (And then you'll have fun.) Times half time squared then add distance seed. 53067 PHYSICS - MECHANICS Peter Wilkins Speed is dv by dt; Is this useful? There's no guarantee. If it leads to, "Oh heck!" Take dv by dx, And then write down its product with v. 53068 PHYSICS - MECHANICS Davit Morin If women should all drop their bra, Then gravity would fall so far, The Earth would faster spin And mankind would begin To catapult to yonder star. 53069 PHYSICS - MECHANICS Irving Superior P8802 The few laws of simplified motion Should be taken with good old precaution. When you move too fast, Like a cosmic ray blast, You'd prefer an einsteinian notion. 53070 PHYSICS - MECHANICS Nawahl Razak And here's one more reason to panic: When the time comes for the quantum mechanic, You could be anywhere. What a cause for dispair, If you're microscopically organic. 53071 PHYSICS - MECHANICS Nawahl Razak Force is ma times my mass, Said the driver when starting to pass. But from what we just learned, He was right when he turned, But wrong when he stepped on the gas. 53072 PHYSICS - MECHANICS David Morin To find end velocity v, From starting speed u...let me see... With acceleration a. t time duration... That's v = u + a*t. 53073 PHYSICS - MECHANICS Tiddy Ogg Roger Clemens was stuck on a lake, With no wind, oars, or fuel -- big mistake! So he thought like a rocket And emptied his pocket, And left all his change in his wake. 53074 PHYSICS - MECHANICS David Morin They said F is ma, bar none. What they meant sounded not as much fun. It's dp by dt Which just happens to be Good old ma when g equals 1. 53075 PHYSICS - MECHANICS David Morin "I quite well could have," said Foucault, "Demonstrated all this years ago, But a good rule of thumb Using a pendulum Is, don't leave it just hanging, you know." 53076 PHYSICS - MECHANICS Loren C. Fitzhugh P9707 A man who'd done research in friction Wrote limericks to improve his diction; "These limericks," said he, "In tribology, (study of friction) Arose from some mental affliction." 53077 PHYSICS - MECHANICS Peter Blau P0207 An engineer, full of eclat, Says fuel cells are where it is at: "They'll leave no emissions, And earn such commissions, That gasoline sales will go flat." 53078 PHYSICS - MECHANICS Norman Storer P0211 It filled Galileo with mirth To watch his two rocks fall to Earth. He gladly proclaimed, "Their rates are the same, And quite independent of girth!" 53079 PHYSICS - MECHANICS Bruce Elliot PR9703 Then Newton announced in due course His own law of gravity's force: It goes, I declare, As the inverse square Of the distance from object to source. 53080 PHYSICS - MECHANICS Bruce Elliot PR9703 But remarkably Einstein's equation Succeeds to describe gravitation As spacetime that's curved And it's this that will serve As the planets' unique motivation. 53081 PHYSICS - MECHANICS Bruce Elliot PR9703 Yet the end of the story's not written; By a new way of thinking we're smitten. We twist and we turn, Attempting to learn The Superstring Theory of Witten! 53082 PHYSICS - MECHANICS PR9703 Isaac Newton sat under a tree When an apple began to come free. As he started to duck, He said, "Don't that suck? Or maybe it's just gravity." 53083 PHYSICS - MECHANICS Tom Campbell Sir Isaac Newton's worst fear-- That GRAVITY would disappear. That they would find a flaw And annul the law. Or they'd invent the first brassiere. 53084 PHYSICS - MECHANICS Irving Superior P9707 There once was a fly on the wall; I wonder why didn't it fall; Because its feet stuck, Or was it just luck Or does gravity miss thing so small. 53085 PHYSICS - MECHANICS Robert D. Cowan PR9703 A lust for the feminine cavity, Some chastise as willful depravity. But surely the fact That bodies attract Is due not to sin, but to gravity. 53086 PHYSICS - MECHANICS Norm Storer P9707 A part of what's called gravity-- Whatever's UP soon down will be. (Excepting taxes) Like what relaxes When midway heterosexually. 53087 PHYSICS - MECHANICS Irving Superior P9707 A physicist known as Raj Singh Decided one day, on a fling; So he lined up a chick, But she noticed his prick Resembled a hook and a spring! 53088 PHYSICS - MECHANICS Mark Levy P9707 The turbine designed by young Blair Won prizes at every World's Fair. It was driven by gasses From political asses Who continuously spouted hot air. 53089 PHYSICS - MECHANICS Albin Chaplin 3024-2453 Ms. Pamela Anderson Lee Needs no airbag in her car, you see. In laboratory tests, Some equivalent breasts Survived impacts up to 5 g! 53090 PHYSICS - MECHANICS CeeJay The elegant, smooth, inclined plane Results in some Godawful pain, For Freshmen and women Who'd rather be swimmin' Or doing things much more inane. 53091 PHYSICS - MECHANICS Mark Levy P9707 There was a young fellow from Queens Whose perpetual motion machines Would move forward by jerks, For he kept in the works The best Mexican high-jumping beans. 53092 PHYSICS - MECHANICS Isaac Asimov "Those Motion Laws," grumbled Madge Mears, "Are wrong, and it brings me to tears. I offer this proof: My husband, the goof, Ain't moved off the sofa in years!" 53093 PHYSICS - MECHANICS Travis Brasell A young engineer did debase A hardy young virgin of Thrace. He got into her crevice With a lever and clevis, And a crowbar beside, just in case. 53094 PHYSICS - MECHANICS Albin Chaplin 3024-1331 A physicist ran in a race That was held in reciprocal space. His momentum that day Was h times kj: 'Twas as bad as just running in place. 53095 PHYSICS - MECHANICS Kay R Devicci A stone at the top of a hill Was arrested for being too still. Its energy potential Was quite exponential, But moss sapped its strength and its will. 53096 PHYSICS - MECHANICS Bill One morning while eating my Wheaties, I felt the earth move 'neath my feeties. The cause for alarm Was a long lever-arm, At the end of which stood Archimedes. 53097 PHYSICS - MECHANICS David Morin et al There was an old fellow named Newton, Whose head someone chose to drop fruit on. Galileo first proved That the Earth really moved. Archimedes went out with no suit on. 53098 PHYSICS - MECHANICS Richard Long Discovered by Newton's resources, And set down in all college courses: If the body you date Has a motionless state, You must rub it with external forces. 53099 PHYSICS - MECHANICS Albin Chaplin 3024-2258 And Nicklas DeCusa played ball, And wrote a treatise for all, Regarding the sphere, And how it did steer, Lop-ended, when thrown from a wall. 53100 PHYSICS - MECHANICS For Nicklaus at first he did feel That apples cut round like a wheel, Would roll very fine, And follow a line, 'Less bitten as part of a meal. 53101 PHYSICS - MECHANICS Bowing, he said and opined, "A bowling ball snipped on the rind, So missing an end, When given to send, Will roll not too straight, but will wind!" 53102 PHYSICS - MECHANICS A student of science named Parker, In annals of fame has a marker. In his lab it was where He made studies on air, And discovered that night air was darker. 53103 PHYSICS - MECHANICS Albin Chaplin 3024-2734 There once was a lady named Claire Whose behavior was quantized with care. She vanished one day When bumped in the foyer, And appeared at the top of the stair. 53104 PHYSICS - MECHANICS Anon In vino there's veritas, sure Enough and though it is a bore, You must, if you wanta, Learn more about quanta. You get the glasses, I'll pour. 53105 PHYSICS - MECHANICS Tiddy Ogg A potential may look quite erratic, And its study may seem problematic, But down near a min, You can say with a grin, It behaves like a simple quadratic. 53106 PHYSICS - MECHANICS David Morin A nerd of a fellow named Hector Knew physics from ATOM to VECTOR. But he failed with each girl, When his tool she'd unfurl To expose a spring-loaded ejector! 53107 PHYSICS - MECHANICS Mark Levy P9707 As new concepts began to accrue So with scarcity man was all through. He invented the lever And wheel -- no doubt clever -- But to God, he's in debt for the screw. 53108 PHYSICS - MECHANICS Albin Chaplin 3024 P9708 I'm back for one more round of giggles, Reading how some anatomy jiggles. Brownian motion, I fear, Is the cause of it, here, But 'tis cute how the molecule wriggles. 53109 PHYSICS - MECHANICS SPCA There was an old man who said, "Motion -- The state is of comical notion; It would seem to connote That a single U-boat Could be at two spots in the ocean." 53110 PHYSICS - MECHANICS John St Loe Strachey Whenever we talk about piles, It results in loud guffaws and smiles. This ain't about pains In those swollen veins; I speak of atomic age piles. 53111 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR Jim Weaver Collection A Chicago nymphette, name of Gloria, On a kick of real zany euphoria Took into her bed An atomic warhead-- Bits of Gloria were seen over Peoria. 53112 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR Gar Fowler G2018 Now, those who investigate quarks Are prone to make snotty remarks, About those who maintain That the atom's domain Contains really nothing but snarks. 53113 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR Norm Storer P0012 A student of nuclear fission Made a bomb with official permission. But the Earth disappeared In the bang; it is feared Through an error in simple addition. 53114 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR W. Bernard Wake It's five bombs now, that India blew; They told the rest the world "Go Screw!" Enough of your cries And attempts to chastise, When so many of you have it too. 53115 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR Puff Adder There once was a nuclear plant Whose containment attainment was scant. So the folks in Chernobyl Were suddenly mobile. They'd go home if they could, but they can't. 53116 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR Neal Wilgus P8607 The accident down in Chernobyl, Despite prayers of both Primate and Pope'll Cause crop decimations And hideous mutations -- Litvak newborns'll look like George Gobel! 53117 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR Robin K. Willoughby P8608 With large cracks in three of the piers Of the nuclear plant, there were fears That among those who planned The pile was a band, Which might be called crack engineers. 53118 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR A. N. Wilkins P8803 There once was a fellow named Howard, Whose tool, it was nuclear-powered. While grabbing some ass, He reached critical mass, But think of the girl he deflowered. 53119 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR E equals M times C squared. I wonder if someone erred? I really regret it; And still I don't get it, Perhaps 'cause my mind is impaired. 53120 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR Jim Weaver Collection A physicist whose mind was impaired, Said, "Eureka, I am now prepared To spread news far and wide, Without ego or pride, That E equals M C squared." 53121 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR Al Willis TP9804 There's a law that just simply can't be About time and space fantasy. But Albert Einstein Theorized it just fine, Because E over M is squared C. 53122 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR A four-footer, a really thin runt, Had a cock that was short, thick, and blunt, With a very flat head: Tetrahedral, he said. "Ecstasy equals squared mini-cunt!" (E = M c**2) 53123 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR Jim Weaverr Collection A famous equation will loom As a constant reminder of doom. For E, as we feared, Equals m c (when squared). Who'll be first to square what, and with whom? 53124 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR Bill Backe-Hansen P8506 An atom that came from the tap Had electrons all over its map. But in its interstices Lurked a much worse disease: Decay and a permanent zap. 53125 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR Robert Resnick FDR: Nuclear things might be bad. I could hold it for study a tad. The risk to the race Is so hard to face. But he didn't and we are all glad. 53126 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR Carl A Benz A Latin grammarian, Priscian, Once had a nocturnal emission; It began with a fart That near tore him apart -- The first case of nuclear fission. 53127 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR Armand E Singer 386 They say they've got nuclear fusion Bottled up in a simple solution; We've heard this before; I'm guessing it's more Media hype and confusion. 53128 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR Dr Limerick 03-04-02 'Twas a brilliant informed decision, Getting power from nuclear fission. It would be even smarter That William J Carter To accomplish the fusion collision. 53129 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR Nawahl The power of M's and C-squares Provides us with just cause for scares. Our childhood fright Of a bump in the night, Is now mushrooms from nightmarish prayers. 53130 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR Carl A Benz Vacation wherever you please For a place with a warm sunny breeze. And avoiding the sun Kiev is the one... Cloudy -- 4000 degrees. (contaminated by Chernobyl) 53131 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR Jay Marshall P8607 "In case of The Bomb," Colonel Nye, "Sit down with your hands on your thigh. Now bend forward low As far as you'll go, And then kiss your keister goodbye." 53132 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR Irving Superior P8406 A handsome young man with blue eyes Built an atom-machine of great size. When asked why he did it, He blushed and admitted, "I was wise to the size of the prize." (Lee DuBridge to Ernest Lawrence on winning Nobel Prize) 53133 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR Lee Dubridge P0303 Beware of the plasma fanatics; They're prone to a fusion of antics, That generate heat When hydrogens meet With magnetohydrodynamics. 53134 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR Bruce Elliot Population growth always vexed Tom, And his spirit was never quite calm Until Malthus heard The encouraging word Concerning the nuclear bomb. 53135 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR A. N. Wilkins P8702 The chemist heaved a long sigh, When his filtrate was finally dry. But an unstable fraction, In a quick chain reaction, Formed a mushroom cloud five miles high. 53136 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR Jonathan P Dowling When man his good senses deployed, Then smallpox no longer annoyed. There's a much better plan Which will benefit man -- When the last atom bomb is destroyed. 53137 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR Albin Chaplin 3024-2961 When atoms meet atoms and fuse, There's part of their mass that they lose. The emitted article Is not only a particle, But a wave -- and you don't get to choose. 53138 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR Chuck Baggett There once was this young man named Gant, Who worked hard in a nuclear plant. He died six months later A real 'hot-potater' And his grave stone still glows brilliant! 53139 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR Laurence Craft A Danish professor named Bohr Thought atoms had a nuclear core, "A plum pudding raisin Would scatter just grazing, Not like sine to the negative four!" 53140 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR John Woodward A "nuke" power station near Bradley Wanting better publicity badly, Sent reply-cards: "Come, learn! Tick a date and return!" Those who went, came back ticking madly. 53141 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR Carl Ludvig Kjelsen P8701 India blew up a device. Pakistan said, "That's not nice," Then blew up their own. They wanted it known That India should have thought twice. 53142 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR Frank Spectra Brahmastras, a Vedic fire-bomb -- Don't know what it's called in Islam. But one thing I know, This stand-off could blow, And set off a righteous pogrom. 53143 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR H WHELCHEL "How nice that they both have The Bomb," The alien said with aplomb. "With just a few flashes, They'll top all the clashes We've watched since before Vietnam." 53144 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR John Miller "Just think of the carnage to be," Said the alien, winking at me. "If their hate doesn't fizzle Tens of millions will sizzle -- What a pleasant thing for us to see. 53145 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR John Miller "Is it Hindus and Muslims who fight To prove to each other who's right? Gentle Christians and Jews Should horn in with their views, And some more from the left and the right. 53146 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR John Miller "It really will be quite a show. Do you think the arms merchants will know They've themselves to thank When their children grow lank, Suffused with a soft bluish glow. 53147 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR John Miller "Millions killed, millions maimed and dismembered; Cities blazing, homes burned, charred and embered. And you do it because You must all serve the cause... (If indeed it is ever remembered.) 53148 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR John Miller "With luck then the conflict will spread Until every last human is dead. Then it won't be a sin To quickly move in... Or maybe cockroaches instead. 53149 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR John Miller "Oh, I do think you're so very clever! I knew you were smart but I never Did quite realize You could sterilize, Cleansing your own world forever. 53150 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR John Miller It's so hard to sit here and watch 'em, As their missile launchers, they notch 'em. They'll leave a huge dent In their subcontinent, If we don't pray Dona Nobis Pacem! 53151 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR Irish India thinks the A-bomb's just swell. With Pakistan this does not sit well. While the world said no, They decided to show That they can blow each other to Hell. 53152 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR FB Pakistan matches their Indian brothers In the bomb race that some would smother. But I think it's good; It should be understood; It's less likely they'll attack each other. 53153 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR Puff Adder It seems that our leaders deplore The threat from the power plant core. So they build in devices For preventing the crisis, While preparing for nuclear war. 53154 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR Albin Chaplin 3024-2539 "I married her just for a lark," This Russian was heard to remark. "Now she's my wife And delight of my life; Since Chernobyl, she glows in the dark." 53155 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR Jay Marshall P8607 A babe met a guy from Wyomium, Whose jewels were made out of plutonium. While getting some ass, They reached critical mass; She lamented, "I should have just blownium!" 53156 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR John Griffin Her lips were now made of uranium, And with them, she drove him insanium. Like nuclear fission, She caused an emission, And a meltdown occurred in his branium. 53157 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR Kaylin There was a professor of Chatham Who had an affair with an atom. The result of coition Was nuclear fission... There was a profesor of Chatham. 53158 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR Hugh Oliver 68a A scientist working in Greece A wondrous report did release. He developed at last A big bomb with a blast So great, it was used just for peace. 53159 PHYSICS - NUCLEAR Albin Chaplin 3024-2605 Photons in pairs have a quality With no regard for reality, When on paths that don't meet, They non-locally beat, Testing a Bell inequality. 53160 PHYSICS - OPTICS Michael Reck An optic professor named Mullers Revealed to his class over crullers, "By shooting my gism All over the prism, I can come in the primary colors." 53161 PHYSICS - OPTICS Steve Dr. Young was having a fit. His optics had developed a slit. "My grant will not pay, So I'll use it this way." And you know the rest of this bit. 53162 PHYSICS - OPTICS Devlin Gualtieri An astronomer's swift limousine, Went through a red light in Racine. He was going so fast, That the light which he passed, Through the Doppler effect, showed as green. 53163 PHYSICS - OPTICS The astronomer's face shifted green When he passed the red light in Racine. 'Twas a light on the door Of the house of a whore, Replaced by that fucking machine. 53164 PHYSICS - OPTICS Neal Wilgus P8211 There was a young atom in Hell With a vacancy in an inner shell. An electron high above In his heavenly love, Saw the hole, and in it he fell. 53165 PHYSICS - OPTICS Bunnar Tibell There was a young lassie named Laser, Who never let problems dephase her. Never yielding coherence, She kept up her appearance By wearing a ruby red blazer. 53166 PHYSICS - OPTICS Frank Moser Relativity tells us that light Has a speed firmly fixed. That's all right From dawn until evening, But who is believing That the law can apply in the night? 53167 PHYSICS - OPTICS Stanley Bashkin A man grinding lenses in Guelph Reached up for some tools on the shelf. He fell down between The lens-grinding machine, And a spectacle made of himself. 53168 PHYSICS - OPTICS Albin Chaplin 3024-2608 To Michelson and E. W. Morley Their theory explained rather poorly Why the first beam, of light Reached their eyepiece all right, But the next one arrived just as early. 53169 PHYSICS - OPTICS Daniel Koon The multiport is a thing nefarious. The ways of construction are various. With phases and mirrors, Bewaring of errors, The setups we build are precarious. 53170 PHYSICS - OPTICS Michael Reck The experiment of Michelson and Morley Allows us to say, very surely, "If this ether is real, It has no appeal, And show itself off rather poorly." 53171 PHYSICS - OPTICS David Morin et al The physics of optical fibers Presents us with effects diverse, That will pulses reshape, Interference unmake, With components that light does disperse. 53172 PHYSICS - OPTICS Michael Reck Is light a particle or wave? Corpuscular it seems to behave. But through a double slit, Interference does its bit, Demonstrating that photons do quave. 53173 PHYSICS - OPTICS Chris Matthews A young child looked up in the sky, And said, "It's so blue, Mom, but why?" You see, blue scatters more (There's this power of 4), So it rarely comes straight to your eye. 53174 PHYSICS - OPTICS David Morin et al The sky has a beautiful hue; To scattering of light, it is due. Long wavelengths like red, Through air go unbled, Leaving us seeing the blue. 53175 PHYSICS - OPTICS Chris Matthews There once was a quantum optician Embarked on a ludicrous mission. His goal was to show That all photons are slow, In spite of their massless condition. 53176 PHYSICS - OPTICS Mike Lubell A grating can lead to a blur When its lines cause some ghosts to occur. It showed wriggles and bumps And then also some lumps, But reviewers have yet to concur. (Novel soliton solutions in Rowland ghost gaps) 53177 PHYSICS - OPTICS If you'll just add dE by dt And combine equations, you'll see That waves a la Hertz And photons, in spurts, Both travel with speed equal c. 53178 PHYSICS - OPTICS Roy B Maxwell A splitter for three is a tritter; In labs it's a popular critter. A quarter is four And the device for more: The splitter for five is a quitter. 53179 PHYSICS - OPTICS Anon There was a young lady of Crewe, Whose eyes were excessively blue; So she got an old fellow To rub them with yellow, And so they turned green, which is true. 53180 PHYSICS - OPTICS Punch 1863 (Bibby) There's a program on our radio, That's trying quite vainly to show How all of these part- Icles eat sleep and fart, I'm lost though, and all that I know... 53181 PHYSICS - OPTICS Some bloke squirted jizz through two slits, To find what comes first, and it's A damned fruitless hunt, 'Cause if you've got two cunts, Then sure as hell, somewhere's four tits. 53182 PHYSICS - OPTICS Two slits were wide open, you see. But no photons would land here on me. When they shut down one slit, I received quite a bit. Well now, how could that possibly be? 53183 PHYSICS - OPTICS William Rolnick Have you heard of the latest resort, Where UV rays aren't cut short? The Great Ozone Hole Down at the South Pole. You can tan while the penquins cavort! 53184 PHYSICS - OPTICS Barbara Levi X-ray lasers may calm public fears, But if tests of Excalibur spears Are successful, some claim, At what do they aim? The missles or Senator's ears? (For Roy Woodward APS Szilard award 1993) 53185 PHYSICS - OPTICS Barbara Levi Now SDI never made sense. (Not to mention its soaring expense) With Kurt in the lead, Have we now Gott_fried Of such foolish plans for defense. (For Kurt Gottfried APS Szilard award 1992) 53186 PHYSICS - OPTICS Barbara Levi An X-ray shot out on a tear; Took off for a crystal quite bare. It wasn't the plasticity But that darn periodicity, That reduced its mood to dispair. 53187 PHYSICS - OPTICS Robert Resnick Delta and Sigma, Omega and Psi, Particle physics still can't find the key. The 'J' notwithstanding, I lack understanding, 'Cause somehow it's all Greek to me! 53188 PHYSICS - PARTICLE Irving J Bigio Anti-matter will travel content Throughout space and will cause no event. But on meeting with matter, It creates such a splatter, That one asks, not what came, but what went. 53189 PHYSICS - PARTICLE Albin Chaplin 3024 P9708 That beauty ain't truth, we now know. And yes, truth isn't beauty, but lo, Although they're quite rare, Those two do form a pair. And by "bottom" and "top", they now go. 53190 PHYSICS - PARTICLE William Rolnick Another most keenly observed And for which much acclaim is deserved, We can easily see That for each symmetry, A quantity must be conserved. 53191 PHYSICS - PARTICLE David Morin There was a young spaceman named Gene Who left Earth, never more to be seen. At a point out in space, He essayed the embrace Of a girl who was contra-terrene. 53192 PHYSICS - PARTICLE G2611 When a smart little wave named Swoom Found a particle up in her room, She remembered DeBroglie And the Scriptures so holy: Duality, depression and gloom. 53193 PHYSICS - PARTICLE Robert Resnick An electron, while traveling in space, Met a positron there "face-to-face." The electron then sighed At the sight of his bride, And they "died" in a loving embrace. 53194 PHYSICS - PARTICLE William Rolnick PR9703 An electron is sure hard to please. When spread out, it sometimes will freeze. Though agoraphobic, It's still claustrophobic, And runs off when put in a squeeze. 53195 PHYSICS - PARTICLE David Morin et al PR9703 To Faraday, e was inducible, Equations were almost reducible. Then out of a hole A fast monopole Gave measurements irreproducible. 53196 PHYSICS - PARTICLE I. Joan Lorch P9802 The gravitron's something unique; A particle many would seek. To Earth we are stuck, It seems more by luck, For its coupling's exceedingly weak. 53197 PHYSICS - PARTICLE Bruce Elliot When God said, "Let the Higgs be!" He gave it but slight energy. He said, "You grow thinner, You must have some dinner." So it ate up some W and Z. 53198 PHYSICS - PARTICLE David Morin et al While bemused by my whirling screen saver, I imagined a new lepton flavor. But I'll yet make my mark With a higher top quark, Or an anyon bigger and braver. 53199 PHYSICS - PARTICLE Peter Price Newton was really the thing; A perspective his theory did bring, And Einstein did more, And ran up the score, But these days, they say it's just string. 53200 PHYSICS - PARTICLE Michelle A meson decending in flight Was veering first left and then right. So brisk was its action That the Lorentz contraction Made quite an indelible sight. 53201 PHYSICS - PARTICLE Robert Resnick There once was a hard gamma ray And a nucleus it forced to decay. The resultant bambino Was called the neutrino, Which hasn't been seen to this day. (But does it have mass? No weigh!) 53202 PHYSICS - PARTICLE Robert Resnick Why don't we see more SNU's? For years, it's been something to muse. Though Gallex sees more, It's still a low score. Can electron's neutrinos be mu's? 53203 PHYSICS - PARTICLE Barbara Levi Fermi called the small bugger neutrino, After maybe a bit too much vino. I hate to be crass, But whatever its mass, It's still way too small to be seen-o. 53204 PHYSICS - PARTICLE Daniel Koon From the Sun's core, a neutrino flew Saying, "I've got the Earth to go through. Then I'll reach Super-K But while on the way, I just might turn into a mu." 53205 PHYSICS - PARTICLE David Halliday In caverns deep under the ground, They sniff SNU's like bloodhounds. But maybe their prey Can change 'long the way, And sneak by without being found. (SNU - solar neutrino unit) 53206 PHYSICS - PARTICLE Barbara Levi The poet, J. Alfred Neutrino, Who subsisted sublimely on vino, With a spin of one-half, Wrote his own epitaph: "No rest mass, no charge, no bambino." (neutrinos now have rest mass in 1998) 53207 PHYSICS - PARTICLE Random Walk in Science A fertility freak from Grand Forks, Invented a nuclear dork. But his buyers expired, Melted down with desire, And alas! They could only come quarks. 53208 PHYSICS - PARTICLE Santork The Particle Physics morass Is stuck on the problem of mass. If Higgs can be found, We'll all come around. Till then it's a pain in the ass. 53209 PHYSICS - PARTICLE Bruce Elliot Delta, Sigma, Omega, and Psi, Particle physics still can't find the key. "Parts is parts" they proclaim, (The J notwithstanding,) Find just one: find your fame. (I lack understanding,) Yet somehow it's all greek to me! 53210 PHYSICS - PARTICLE Irving J Bigio Two photons, close-coupled at start, Flew several parsecs apart. Said one in distress, "What you're forced to express, Removes any choice on my part." 53211 PHYSICS - PARTICLE David Halliday PR9703 A physicist grumbled one day, "These protons don't seem to decay. We once had high hopes, But we now feel like dopes, For those darn things -- they just seem to stay." 53212 PHYSICS - PARTICLE Kay R Devicci A physicist, almost in tears, Said, "A proton, it seems, disappears. The GUT's say That it should decay In ten to the thirty-one years. 53213 PHYSICS - PARTICLE Kay R Devicci Hadrons, leptons, bosons, too, Are members of our little zoo. Though in their stalls As little balls, They're really clouds of quantum goo. 53214 PHYSICS - PARTICLE Devlin Gualtieri 'Tis a foolhardy thing to embark On a quest for an authentic quark. The genuine article Is a very small particle And only goes out after dark. 53215 PHYSICS - PARTICLE Ms. Ira Gardner-Smith When we physicists talk about quarks, And "sleptons," "sneutronos," and "squarks," We shouldn't be stunned When Congress won't fund Our big projects -- they think we are dorks. 53216 PHYSICS - PARTICLE Kay R. Devicci PR9703 I haven't a clue why the quark Is like a subliminal spark, Setting ablaze A miniture maze Of particles out on a lark. 53217 PHYSICS - PARTICLE Timothy Torkildson We looked up and down, high and low, For the quark whose strange mass we don't know. Oh, charm please don't fail; The bottommost tail Of top's mass is starting to show! 53218 PHYSICS - PARTICLE Barbara Levi "The quark's a mysterious fellow!" My advisor was oft prone to bellow, "It's red, blue, or green, (Though it's never been seen,) And certainly couldn't be yellow." 53219 PHYSICS - PARTICLE Bruce Elliot It is said with a smidgen of insolence, That one particle is known just by inference. We could see this small honey If we had lots of money, But we won't make a particle of difference. 53220 PHYSICS - PARTICLE Stanley Bashkin "Their three colors are red, white, and blue," The professor said over a brew. A drunk student objected, "That's not been detected! And without any proof, I say screw!" 53221 PHYSICS - PARTICLE Mike Lubell When physicists misuse their brains To give particles whimsical names, Most folks think we're liable To be certifiable And they don't want to fund our mad games. 53222 PHYSICS - PARTICLE Kay R Devicci On one dark and thunderous morn, Ben Franklin went out in the storm, Tied a kite to his dick, For a lightning spark's kick, Alas though, it frazzled his horn. 53223 PHYSICS - PEOPLE UFO's and psychic emanations, EMF and cow mutilations; The TV is awash With reports of goulash Teleported to distant locations. 53224 PHYSICS - PEOPLE Karen Lingel Some people believe in such junk -- Stuff that anyone smart can debunk. But will anyone listen? No! Their brains are out fishin'; I think I'll go out and get drunk. 53225 PHYSICS - PEOPLE Karen Lingel Albert Einstein from his Princeton lair Said, "There are some things I cannot bear. I'll hear no more prating Re: approximating That e almost = m c square." 53226 PHYSICS - PEOPLE Loren C. Fitzhugh P9707 Newton was really the thing; A perspective his theory did bring. And Einstein, with awe, A unity he saw, But these days they say it's just string. 53227 PHYSICS - PEOPLE Michelle When Fermi to Chicago came, He did something that brought him great fame. By mixing atoms of C and U, Went critical right on cue, And the world will never be the same. 53228 PHYSICS - PEOPLE Carl A Benz As the pile multiplied on the grid, Fermi's pocket slide rule slid. K-factors more than one, Were new under the sun. And Fission was no longer hid. 53229 PHYSICS - PEOPLE Carl A Benz Ernst Mach found himself in Nantucket, Where water, he spun in a bucket. He said with a grin As he wiped off his chin, "My, how those distant starts suck it!" 53230 PHYSICS - PEOPLE David Morin et al Some fear physics these days is contractive, Yet complexity keeps the field active. Feigenbaum is chaotic, Mandelbrot most erotic, And I find them strangely attractive. 53231 PHYSICS - PEOPLE Irving J Bigio What would you have thought, Galileo, If instead you dropped cows and said Oh! To lessen the sound Of the moos from the ground, They should fall, not through air, but through mayo. 53232 PHYSICS - PEOPLE David Morin As he viewed the apple plantation, Newton just stared in contemplation. No-one's surprised He'd not realized The GRAVITY of the situation. 53233 PHYSICS - PEOPLE Kitten Said Heisenberg one day to his son, "My principle's not a hard one. Measuring x is an ease, Finding p is a breeze, But determining both can't be done." 53234 PHYSICS - PEOPLE Chris Matthews A quantum mechanic's vacation Has his colleagues in dire consternation. For while studies had shown That his speed was well known, His position was pure speculation. 53235 PHYSICS - PEOPLE There once was a man who said "Damn! I can't possible be in this tram. For how can I know Both how fast that I go And also the place where I am." 53236 PHYSICS - PEOPLE Tom E. Quation, physicist true Liked to derive when he would screw. Each night as he came, He was heard to exclaim "My God! What a glorious proof!" 53237 PHYSICS - PEOPLE Though Sir James (God's-a-formula) Jeans Holds the view that the stars are machines, He admits that behind The machine is a Mind -- Or a Minder apparelled in Jeans? 53238 PHYSICS - PEOPLE R J P Hewison Said philosopher-physicist Jeans: "How many or few are five beans? Friend Einstein says four, Five, six, or more, But I'm blowed if I know what he means." 53239 PHYSICS - PEOPLE R C Owen "I'm English!" he said with a scowl. "My name, I should think, would be 'Joule', And yet as a rule I must answer to 'Joule' Confound that ambiguous vow'll!" 53240 PHYSICS - PEOPLE Edward H. Green An equal of Gordon was Klein, And his work was equally fine. But, lo, what a fate, For in physics of late, His name is replaced by a sine! 53241 PHYSICS - PEOPLE Devlin Gualtieri As principles go, Murphy's rules; For that which is warm, of course, cools. For Entropy's laws Remind us that flaws Can often be found in bright jewels. 53242 PHYSICS - PEOPLE Matthew Montchalin The brightest success will not last, For that which will move will be classed As gradually stopping, And things that are topping Will find themselves bottomed out fast. 53243 PHYSICS - PEOPLE Matthew Montchalin The jolt in a bolt is directly Proportional to how correctly One needs the outcome; Now don't be too glum -- It can't be predicted perfectly. 53244 PHYSICS - PEOPLE Matthew Montchalin On a tropical beach walked Niels Bohr, Transfixed by the waves flowing pure. Then he looked at the sand, And thought it quite grand, How those waves met the grains at the shore. 53245 PHYSICS - PEOPLE David Morin et al Co-ed dated her physics professor, Who proceeded at once to undress her. When she patted his erection, The angle of deflection Proved him rigid enough to impress her. 53246 PHYSICS - PEOPLE Arnie Schoenbrun P0209 A young physicist named Bill Schnieder Had a wife, but he couldn't abider. This frustated schmuk Ran completely amuck, And buggered the super collider. 53247 PHYSICS - PEOPLE Writing with a cramp in my finger, References include Schroedinger, Einstein and Podolsky, Rosen come Sukowski, With Greenberger, Horne, and Zeilinger. 53248 PHYSICS - PEOPLE Michael Reck Though Einstein's equations were firm, There was one thing that did make him squirm. A cosmos expandable Was not understandable, So he added that ill-fated term. 53249 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - EINSTEIN David Morin There once was a man with strange hair; He said, "Other than physics, don't care." He sat down with a book, And had a long look, When he realized that E = mc square. 53250 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - EINSTEIN Sarah Antel Albert Einstein's the man we must credit For being the man who first said it. The name of the game That brought him his fame Was E = mc squared - Get it? 53251 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - EINSTEIN Stanley J. Sharpless Said Einstein, "I have an equation Which science might call Rabelaisian. Let P be virginity Approaching infinity, And U be a constant, persuasion. 53252 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - EINSTEIN L1415 "Now if P over U be inverted, And the square root of U be inserted, X times over P, The result, Q.E.D. Is a relative," Einstein asserted. 53253 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - EINSTEIN L1416 When Einstein said without doubt, By this time he had the most clout, Wrote FDR a letter, The atom is better, But I'm just a high school dropout. 53254 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - EINSTEIN Carl A Benz Tried to fuck at the speed of the light, But it was such a big, hopeless fight. Could not move my hips And have now come to grips With the fact that old Einstein was right. 53255 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - EINSTEIN Dirruk The faster-than-light speed quorem, Einstein shot holes in that theorem. You'd have infinite extension Of erectile dimension And the ladies won't let that thing near 'em. 53256 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - EINSTEIN MrMalo It would also have infinite mass And a warping of space come to pass. As the universe closes You'd find your own hose is Coming 'round to fuck you in the ass. 53257 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - EINSTEIN MrMalo Can the sun, squirting light by the ton, Attract light from a more distant sun? They took up the scent, And found the light bent. Einstein had skeptics on the run! 53258 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - EINSTEIN Carl A Benz That patent clerk -- Al what's-his-name -- Told us energy and mass are the same. To make matters worse, He said, (not in verse) There is no preferred reference frame. 53259 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - EINSTEIN Daniel Koon Einstein sat all night awake. "These equations are so hard to make! With a wave of my hands, The Universe expands, But Omega still puts on the brake." 53260 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - EINSTEIN Devlin Gualtieri "Electrons all jumbled like rice?" Quoth Einstein, "That's too high a price." In reply, answered God, "Well I don't find it odd. So shut up and let me play dice." 53261 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - EINSTEIN Bruce Baskir Of the many effects miscellaneous, The loss of events, simultaneous, Allows A to claim There's no pause in B's frame, Where this last line is not so extraneous. 53262 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - EINSTEIN David Morin As Einstein explored elevators And studied the spinning ice skaters, He eyed as suspicious, The forces, ficticious, Of gravity's great imitators. 53263 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - EINSTEIN David Morin Einstein was known for creativity, And replied, when asked about gravity, "Energy is mass multiplied By the square of the speed of light; I call it my Theory of Relativity. 53264 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - EINSTEIN Tom Campbell When Newton sat under the tree, An apple above him, broke free. A Golden Delicious, It struck him quite vicious. I'm glad it was him and not me. 53265 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - NEWTON Richard Long Newton said as he gazed off afar, "From here to the most distant star, The wonderous ellipses And solar eclipses All come from a 1 over r." 53266 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - NEWTON David Morin et al One day, legend says, Isaac Newton Came a-runnin', a-hollerin', and a-hootin'. He was a-rubbin' his head, And a-wishin' instead Of an apple, he'd picked a rambuten. (rambuten - a liche-like fruit) 53267 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - NEWTON David Morin et al A ballistical student named Rafferty, Went down to the Gentlemen's Laffertry. When the walls met his sight, He said, "Newton was right. This must be the center of graffiti." 53268 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - NEWTON D H Cudmore G2727 Newton looked at the data, numerical, And them made observations, empirical. He said, "But of course, We get the same force From a point mass and something that's spherical. 53269 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - NEWTON David Morin There was a young man of Khartoum, The strength of whose balls was his doom. So strong was his shootin', The Third Law of Newton Propelled the poor chap to the moon. 53270 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - NEWTON G2607 A calculus fit to compute on, White light, and a head to drop fruit on, A mind to absorb it, And soar into orbit. That's all that it takes to be Newton. 53271 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - NEWTON Gina Berkeley While eating that apple he bit, Great Newton decided that it Should be thrown straight up. And then with some luck, Might fall somewhere else where he sit. 53272 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - NEWTON Matthew Montchalin For that which must rise must soon fall; A principle applying to all. That apples plus distance Give rise to resistance, Because, badly beaned, you will crawl. 53273 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - NEWTON Matthew Montchalin But note that the opposite's true, That returning the apple that grew To the branch that had lost it, Depends not on who tossed it, But on the tree and the distance it flew. 53274 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - NEWTON Matthew Montchalin And branches not low, but quite high, Make distances hard to defy. But those that are low, One reaches just so, Without climbing so far as to die. 53275 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - NEWTON Matthew Montchalin 'Neath the tree Newton lay on the green And an apple fell down on his bean. Came the question protracted: Was the apple attracted, Or pushed by some forces unseen? 53276 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - NEWTON Albin Chaplin P9207 Through a prism looked Newton, at light. The spectrum was a curious sight. "This light isn't stained," Sir Isaac explained, "For when recombined, it is white!" 53277 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - NEWTON Chris Matthews The first law of Newton I sing; My voice has a relevant ring: "An object left free Of hassles will be Engrossed in just doing its thing." 53278 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - NEWTON Edward H. Green PR9603 An intrepid young student named Raleigh Deserted a fast moving trolley To discover a flaw In Newton's first law, But this efforts were folly, by golly. 53279 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - NEWTON J Reimer Newton's Fourth Law Of Motion: That bodies is regular motion Quadruple their speed When approaching the need For a multi-orgasmic explosion. 53280 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - NEWTON Peter Wilkins Weightless astronauts getting some action, Were frustrated losing their traction, Thus proving for all Robert Newton's Third Law Of the equal opposing reaction. 53281 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - NEWTON A spaceman and girl in free fall Obeyed the progenitive call. But Newton's Third Rule Grabbed hold of his tool, And shot him across to the wall. 53282 PHYSICS - PEOPLE - NEWTON G2597 Old Mrs Thomas's friend Had a radioactive bell-end; He stuck it up Millie Who lit up Caerphilly, And blew all the lights in Bridgend! 53283 PHYSICS - RADIOACTIVE Jim Weaver Collection The radiation was a small oversight, And Jake died on the nuclear site. To the morticians, his wife said, "Let me take him home instead. He can still keep me warm on cold nights!" 53284 PHYSICS - RADIOACTIVE Laurence Craft For experimental results the world waited On a cloth that was C-14 dated. Disproving Turin's shroud Made atheists proud, But they still must explain how we're created. 53285 PHYSICS - RADIOACTIVE A Neanderthal teacher named Fred Died in his cave in his bed. When his C-14's taken, Its half-life was mistaken, For it proved he was living, not dead. 53286 PHYSICS - RADIOACTIVE An atom that came from the tap Had electrons all over its map. But in its interstices Lurked a far worse disease: Decay and a permanent zap. 53287 PHYSICS - RADIOACTIVE Robert Resnick A proton once said, "I'll fulfill My long-term belief in free will. Though theorists (may) say That I ought to decay, I'm damned if I think that I will." 53288 PHYSICS - RADIOACTIVE David Halliday PR9703 If Albert Einstein hadn't cared, Or maybe even hadn't dared, To tell us so, We never would know That E equals M times C squared. 53289 PHYSICS - RADIOACTIVE Richard Long By mistake (in his lunch) Freddy Mears Ate radium and died with his fears. But the point about Fred, Is now that he's dead, His half-life--sixteen hundred years! 53290 PHYSICS - RADIOACTIVE Keith Johnson P9204 An electron was spinning around, And moving quite close to the ground. Exotic its rapture At the thought of K-capture, Conceiving a brand new compound. 53291 PHYSICS - RADIOACTIVE Robert Resnick The nuclear expert, no doubt, Was blessed with an extra long spout. When at work or at sports, He never wears shorts, 'Cause he's always on guard 'gainst fall-out. 53292 PHYSICS - RADIOACTIVE Arnie Schoenbrun P0312 Rimmey visited Trinity Site Which made him recall with delight: "Sneaking in was a task But 'twas worth it to bask In hard radiation all night." 53293 PHYSICS - RADIOACTIVE John Miller Many people that day were uneasy; That the world would go "Bang" made them queasy. But they set the thing off So the scoffers could scoff, And beating the Japs became easy. 53294 PHYSICS - RADIOACTIVE John Miller But of course that task wasn't the end; You humans just swapped foe and friend. Finding plausible ploys To build deadlier toys, And the government more ways to spend. 53295 PHYSICS - RADIOACTIVE John Miller A mother from Seascale called Pipper Found some nuclear waste in a kipper. When she told them she'd found it, They said, "Eat around it, And keep it away from the nipper." (Seascale - British nuclear reprocessing plant) 53296 PHYSICS - RADIOACTIVE Michael Palin Schroedinger said that a cat Is alive or it's dead, and that's that. But Heisenberg said, "It's alive AND it's dead, And its state can be seen as a stat." (Scientific American contest 2000) 53297 PHYSICS - SCHROEDINGERS CAT Caleb Howard If you care about animal rights, Consider the horrible plights, Of Schroedinger's cat, And others like that, For many long days and long nights. 53298 PHYSICS - SCHROEDINGERS CAT Kay R Devicci There's big news of Schroedinger's cat; Lots of fuss is made about that. The cat had a kitten, And the world is smitten; We've all got to learn to say SCAT! 53299 PHYSICS - SCHROEDINGERS CAT Carl A Benz His cat both dead and alive, 'Til Schrodinger's guests would arrive. Then he'd open the box, And toss in some lox, And the cat would both lay there and thrive. 53300 PHYSICS - SCHROEDINGERS CAT Anon DeBroglie, caught quite unawares, Observed a mixed state of affairs: 'Twas Schroedinger's cat Who quietly sat, While running away down the stairs. 53301 PHYSICS - SCHROEDINGERS CAT Bruce Elliot We all think it's called entanglement, But what we think is not what he meant. The proper translation Of Schroedinger's equation, Is more like what's called entwinement. 53302 PHYSICS - SCHROEDINGERS CAT Michael Reck I'm asking you, please try to delve this, I'm asking you, please, do not shelve this, Re Schroedinger's cat Don't you recognize that It's quite like the status of Elvis???? 53303 PHYSICS - SCHROEDINGERS CAT Crosby Lewy A physicist looks with this eye, Knowing seeing could make the cat die. Puts the poor cat through hell, Just to get his Nobel, As her kittens sob, "Mommy, good bye!" 53304 PHYSICS - SCHROEDINGERS CAT Kay R Devicci The universe came to a junction When Erwin collapsed his wave function. He lifted the lid And found that it hid A pussy in need of Last Unction. (Scientific American contest 2000) 53305 PHYSICS - SCHROEDINGERS CAT Edward Fagen Said the cat in the box, "This is fun. Inside all chances are one. So there could be a kitten With whom I am smitten. Please don't lift the lid till I'm done." 53306 PHYSICS - SCHROEDINGERS CAT Michael Scanlan PETA was out in full force, But not for a dog or a horse. At Schrodinger's place They pleaded their case For the sake of his cat, of course. (PETA - ?? ethical treatment of animals) 53307 PHYSICS - SCHROEDINGERS CAT Devlin Gualtieri PR9703 We hardly know who we should blame For this Schrodinger's kitty-cat game. If gives the appearence Of quantum coherence And NRQM a bad name. (Nonrelativistic quark model - Sci Amer Contest 2000) 53308 PHYSICS - SCHROEDINGERS CAT David J Hall A quantum mechanic named Twitty, Is trying out "Schroedinger's Kitty." The poor felines await, To pry open the crate, Then exalt in great joy -- or great pity. 53309 PHYSICS - SCHROEDINGERS CAT Jonathan P Dowling Erwin's tabby cried out to be fed. In a box he confined her instead. Now she sits there and waits In her superposed states, To find out if she's living or dead. (Erwin Schroedinger) 53310 PHYSICS - SCHROEDINGERS CAT Roger Tobin Another great Dane has made free With a question of Be or Not Be. Now might Schrodinger's puss In descending by schuss, Leave one track on each side of a tree? 53311 PHYSICS - SCHROEDINGERS CAT Peter Price PR9703 If Schroedinger's cat leaps are quantum, Observe we an off-or-an-on tom? To leave's to arrive: He's both dead and alive In two places at once, if you want 'em. 53312 PHYSICS - SCHROEDINGERS CAT Prof M-G The cats suffer agonized fates -- And superposition of states; Not alive or quite dead, Something ghoulish instead, Till a measurement ends their long waits. 53313 PHYSICS - SCHROEDINGERS CAT Kay R Devicci Copenhagen's view may be correct, In entangling observe and effect. Still it seems to me that Only Schroedinger's cat Knows which side of a door to select. 53314 PHYSICS - SCHROEDINGERS CAT Peter Price A rather small student called Brown, Was asked why he danced up and down. He said, "Look you fools, It's the air molecules; They constantly knock me around." 53315 PHYSICS - SOUND Physics For You P9704 There was a strange fellow called Brecht, Whose penis was seldom erect. When his wife heard him humming She knew he was coming, On account of the Doppler effect. 53316 PHYSICS - SOUND G2575 Her voice is so high it's absurd. It's so shrill that you can't hear a word. When she has something to say, She starts running away, So the pitch drops enough to be heard. 53317 PHYSICS - SOUND Dave Coble A scientist living at Staines, Is searching with infinite pains, For a new type of sound, Which he hopes, when it's found, Will travel much faster that planes. 53318 PHYSICS - SOUND R. J. P. Hewison The speed of sound, oft described as MACH, Is source of stress for much of the flock. It's time to relax, Lie some on our backs And absorb the strains of J S Bach. 53319 PHYSICS - SOUND Daniel Ford These days, the ubiquitous db. Reaches corners barely accb.; They say that it wrecks Many aspects of sex, With results that are quite inexprb. 53320 PHYSICS - SOUND A P Cox These days, the ubiquitous decibel (db.) Reaches corners barely accessible; (accb.) They say that it wrecks Many aspects of sex, With results that are quite inexpressible. (inexprb.) 53321 PHYSICS - SOUND Via the bag of Scots piper McKay, His friends played a joke very sly. Through a slit in the skin They piped helium in, So he played a full octave too high. 53322 PHYSICS - SOUND Bob Turvey He had a self-confidant will, And of Gibbs I have had all my fill. He so glibly asserts That you do no work, If your d-volume is equal to nil. 53323 PHYSICS - THERMO Kate Jenkins A very smart girl name of Sandy, At thermo was really quite handy. Request a phase plot And more often than not, Gibbs Phase Rule her modus operandi. 53324 PHYSICS - THERMO Tim Hong A lovely student was in pain; Her last result went down the drain. She could not predict What she was to restrict. The Gibbs Phase Rule strikes again! 53325 PHYSICS - THERMO Raymundo Arroyave "Thermo is beautiful," cried he; "Look at Gibb's Phase Rule and see! Our problems 'twill answer; It can even cure cancer; Just rememnber to add two and not three." 53326 PHYSICS - THERMO Harold Hsiung A student from old MIT Was forced to return her degree, Because she forgot To construct a phase plot Using D + F = 2 + C. 53327 PHYSICS - THERMO Craig Carter There once was a Carter named Craig. "Learn the Gibbs Phase Rule!", he would beg. D + F, it is true, Equals C + 2; About that I'm not pulling your leg. 53328 PHYSICS - THERMO Heather Fireman There once was an old man named Gibbs; All that he said were not fibs. He wrote down a law Which everyone saw. The Phase Rule's now painted on cribs. 53329 PHYSICS - THERMO Michelle Seitz A clueless poor student was Sue, The things that made sense were quite few. But she was no fool 'Cause she knew Gibbs Phase Rule: D plus f equals C plus two. 53330 PHYSICS - THERMO Diana Wu Thermodynamics is hard, I foretold; A challenge but then I was bold. All of Gibbs was exposed And I heard all proposed. Confusion is what I behold. 53331 PHYSICS - THERMO Hao Hu Gibbs was born in an ancient time; Alls he had was but one skinny dime. But he found comething cool: It was the Phase Rule; He celebrated with Tequila and lime. 53332 PHYSICS - THERMO Hao Hu The clock in my system appears To be 24 hours in arrears; Correct it I must, In a second and trust, I won't alter the months or the years. 53333 PHYSICS - TIME Peter Wilkins Well bugger me silly, I say In a purely rhetorical way, I haven't a clue Why my clock went askew By some 24 hours and a day. 53334 PHYSICS - TIME Peter Wilkins An Aussie called Sanders once said, "Things are spinning around in my head. For 'down under' the ground, Time's switched around, So mine should go backward instead!" 53335 PHYSICS - TIME When the church bell at six tolled its dirge, Easter chicks were all meant to emerge. But there wasn't a peep; They were all fast asleep; Changing clocks had killed all waking urge! 53336 PHYSICS - TIME Prof M-G Observe that muons, created, The dilation of time is related To Einstein's insistence Of shrunken-down distance In the frame where decays are belated. 53337 PHYSICS - TIME David Morin My twin is much younger than I; He's traveled a lot, that is why. If I had the brain, I'd be glad to explain, But Einstein I'm not, so why try. 53338 PHYSICS - TIME Edward H Green "The order of nature," quoth he, "Is wondrously brought home to me, When I think that my clock With each tick and each tock Goes two pi the root L over C. 53339 PHYSICS - TIME Linda Marsh Coll There once was a pilot in flight Who daringly dashed out of sight. He hit passing gear, And his front met his rear. Now he travels more quickly than light! 53340 PHYSICS - TIME Penny Kjelgaard Without sounding entirely absurd, From "computer speak" I have observed Time is "digest" or "real." I protest and still feel That time's relative. That's what I've heard. 53341 PHYSICS - TIME Loren Fitzhugh P0303 During work on his famous equation, He took a break for masturbation. Drip by drip came the goo, So he reasoned it's due To the phenomenon of time dilation. 53342 PHYSICS - TIME Two thousand, two thousand, two thousan'; The whole world wide over carousin'. This ain't just New Year Or New Century here, 'Cause the third New Millenium now's in! 53343 PHYSICS - TIME Said a pupil of Einstein, "It's rotten To find I'd completely forgotten That by living so fast, All my future's my past, And I buried before I'm begotten. 53344 PHYSICS - TIME C F Best The effects of dilations of time, Are magical, strange and sublime. In your frame, this verse Which you see is not terse, Can be read in the same length of time As another frame for a similar rhyme. 53345 PHYSICS - TIME David Morin A physicist down in Morocco Discovered, to everyone's shocko, To get time to reverse, You need just chant a curse, Where instead of "O-Clock" you say "Clock-O." 53346 PHYSICS - TIME Nick D Kim The pilot said, "Yes, we are late. But we'll make up for our bad fate. If we travel tonight, Past the speed of light, We'll arrive before we leave the gate." 53347 PHYSICS - TIME Jim Weaver Collection A tachyon, moving quite fast, Was imaginarily-massed; And thus it decayed Before it was made, And traveled from future to past. 53348 PHYSICS - TIME Kay R Devicci The future as good as the past, A present that will last and last; Never over the hill, Time will ever stand still, Loving act that cannot end too fast. 53349 PHYSICS - TIME Joel D Ash In your time machine go to Bombay, On a stage set for grand passion play; Perfumed garden exotic, Time spent there erotic; Perhaps you will stay there all day. 53350 PHYSICS - TIME Joel D Ash In my time machine, sex is pursued; Every chance in advance is reviewed; Find a boudoir in France, Circumstance without pants, Lady craving romance, a night lewd. 53351 PHYSICS - TIME Joel D Ash Sultan's harem of timeless delight, Ladies with unfulfilled appetite; The old master is out, Eunuch nowhere about, The right time to slip in a night flight. 53352 PHYSICS - TIME Joel D Ash These excursions are always so sweet, And it's easy to dial a repeat; Loving Helen of Troy, Perfect moment of joy, That's redone till the treat is complete. 53353 PHYSICS - TIME Joel D Ash Roman orgy you spot in B.C., Simply don an old sheet and go see; You can enter the mix, Do few loving tricks, Disappear into time when you flee. 53354 PHYSICS - TIME Joel D Ash To travel to time's future stations, Great inventors made investigations. But there ain't nothing to it; Any dimwit can do it; All it takes is a little bit patience. 53355 PHYSICS - TIME I had a twin sister Marie, Who went off at a speed close to c. She came back one day In a relative way, And ended up younger than me. 53356 PHYSICS - TIME Kay R Devicci My very dear brother from Boulder, I hear that you've gotten much older. And please tell me why My lower left thigh Hasn't aged quite as much as my shoulder. 53357 PHYSICS - TIME David Morin Mr Wells, in his grand Time Machine, Was smart, young, adventurous and keen. His unresolved flaw Was he'd broken God's law, And arrived back in time 'fore he'd been. 53358 PHYSICS - TIME Anon