05/28/2004 Then down from Ur of Chaldees, Came old Abraham just big as you please. With some goats, a few swine, At least one concubine, Who could put a strong man on his knees! 46408 OLD TEST Bare Bones Book P9409 Well, Sarah, his wife had grown old. Chance of having an offspring were cold. She said, "Go, screw the maid And don't be afraid. I'll be happy if it takes ahold!" 46409 OLD TEST Bare Bones Book P9409 Then Ishmal was born of that lay. And it made old Abe happy and gay. Now he had an heir. Sarah said, "I don't care, Just don't let 'em get in the way!" 46410 OLD TEST Bare Bones Book P9409 Now Ishmal, old Abe did anoint. This pushed Sarah's nose out of joint. She said, "This won't work, The kid is half Turk! And you seem to be missing the point." 46411 OLD TEST Bare Bones Book P9409 Old Sarah, she pouted and cried, 'Til an Angel showed up by her side. He said, "Have I got some news! You will mother the Jews." And old Sarah was fit to be tied. 46412 OLD TEST Bare Bones Book P9409 She said, "Look, I am fourscore and ten. As for screwing, I have long lost the yen." Said the Angel, "Don't fret, It will happen yet. So don't think of yourself as has been." 46413 OLD TEST Bare Bones Book P9409 Then spring came and old Sarah foaled, And the Angel had made her quite bold. She said, "Ab'ram, you jerk, You must strip that Turk Of your blessing. It has been foretold." 46414 OLD TEST Bare Bones Book P9409 Old Abe said, "I'd rather be dead That do this deed that's ahead!" And then his first born Of his blessing was shorn, And 'twas given to Isaac instead. 46415 OLD TEST Bare Bones Book P9409 Ishmal figured he got the screw When his Daddy anointed the Jew. He said, "I'm damned mad, 'Cause I've just been had. So to this damned country, adieu.!" 46416 OLD TEST Bare Bones Book P9409 Then off to the dessert he went, Where he bought him a camel-hair tent; Ten goats and a knife And a Bedouin wife; And figured it money well spent. 46417 OLD TEST Bare Bones Book P9409 Abe took Isaac up on a hill, To a pile of rocks, for the kill. God said, "Don't have a stroke, It was only a joke! For your trouble, just send me the bill." 46418 OLD TEST Bare Bones Book P9409 Ish and Ike grew up bye and bye, To be fruitful and multiply. And as lusty young men, They produced lots of kin. But they never did understand why. 46419 OLD TEST Bare Bones Book P9409 Then Gabriel gave him a black stone, In the Kaaba at Mecca it's shown. "You'll walk seven times around For it is Holy ground. Five or six times I will not condone. 46420 OLD TEST Bare Bones Book P9409 Now the Moslem has gone ever since Down to Mecca, oft at great expense, To revere that black stone, And their sins to atone, And to build up their self-confidence. 46421 OLD TEST Bare Bones Book P9409 To the Jew the answer is simple; They just pray at the wall of the Temple. There their prayers are read, As they pound on their head, And put notes into each crack and dimple. 46422 OLD TEST Bare Bones Book P9409 When descendants of the two brothers meet, It most always will generate heat. Jews will use gun and tank, To steal the West Bank. And anything else that looks neat. 46423 OLD TEST Bare Bones Book P9409 The Jews said. "We got you a deal, That is if this bargain we seal, Give us all your good land, We'll leave you the sand And just maybe a little cold steel!" 46424 OLD TEST Bare Bones Book P9409 But Allah says, "Rise up and fight! Because what they're doing ain't right. Their leader's a thief, Who will soon come to grief, When we get him lined up in our sights!" 46425 OLD TEST Bare Bones Book P9409 Abraham got the word from above To give his son, Isaac, a shove. Should you say 'twas Ishmael It's the Tel Aviv Jail -- A lesson in brotherly love. 46426 OLD TEST Arthur Deex P8209 If all men were equal... Ezekiel, And if it were true that, "The meek will..." If men were as brothers... If do unto others... How lovely this Adam/Eve sequel. 46427 OLD TEST Irving Superior P9004 Albimelech! Who could subdue him? A lady of Thebez, to undo him, Dropped a stone on his head. The dying king said, "Kill me, men, lest they say, 'A girl slew him.'" (I assume it is the old testament?) 46428 OLD TEST Ron Ecker "I don't mind if a poem is demanding," Conceded a critic named Blanding, "And I really am fond Of some works by Pound, But this piece passeth all understanding." (Phil 4:7) 46429 OLD TEST A. N. Wilkins P9004 On a clear day the Lord from on high For a contact with Moses did try. But he spoke with concern From a bush that did burn, For there wasn't a cloud in the sky. 46430 OLD TEST Albin Chaplin P9106 Young Joseph's new coat was real nice, Bright colors and cheap at the price. The coat was to take him To Egypt and make him As rich as Lloyd-Weber and Rice. 46431 OLD TEST Cyril Mountjoy Poor Daniel returned to the den. The lions, quite hungry by then.. (Please fill in the blanks) Then the lions gave thanks, For the Lord's most flavored of men. 46432 OLD TEST Murky TP9806 Amid the lions stands Daniel And not in anguish does Dan yell Or go berserk. Instead "If they fare well," Dan said, I'll not fare well, but will farewell." 46433 OLD TEST Irving Superior P8207 In biblical days there were men Who could diddle again and again. They didn't know science But in bed they were giants And the women would never say, "When!" 46434 OLD TEST Neal Wilgus P8207 "My daughter's a good girl indeed, And I'm proud of her," said Mrs. Mead. "Though last night it was late, She came home from her date With a Gideon Bible to read." 46435 OLD TEST A N Wilkins P0211 Cried a pious young fellow, Pat Gagan, "I'm in love with a sinuous pagan. Her legs are just fine, But she cannot be mine, Till Golden Calves all, are forsaken." 46436 OLD TEST A biblical party called Ham, Cried, "Cuss it, I don't give a damn! My father's yard measure I view with great pleasure, Such a bloody great battering ram!" 46437 OLD TEST L1430 When Haman would the Hebrews crush Queen Esther cried, "Up Haman's tush!" Well, anyway, On Purim Day The Hebrews feast on Hamantush. 46438 OLD TEST Irving Superior P8207 God created the earth and the heaven Using firmament as His chief leaven; Then he cried, "Fiat Lux!! GimMe whales; GimMe ducks; GimMe Ho-Jos and Seven-Eleven!" 46439 OLD TEST Robin K. Willoughby P8409 The diary of Nathanial, ecclesiastical, Is actual, true, honest, and factual, It has proclivities exotic And activities erotic, Natural and unnatural (impractical). 46440 OLD TEST There was an old man called Isiah, Who foresaw the coming Messiah. Jonah told tales Of life inside whales, And Moses set bushes on fire. 46441 OLD TEST Richard Long In killing Sisera, young Jael Wasn't worried. There wasn't a gaol At that primitive site, Nor was there in sight A simple American jail. 46442 OLD TEST A. N. Wilkins P9112 When Jael crept in to see Sisera, She aimed a bit up from his kisser, her Blow, as she said, Hit the nail on the head, And avoided much messier viscera. 46443 OLD TEST Bill Greenwell Despondent and given to fits, King Saul, at the end of his wits, Was informed by a ghost That the Philistine host Would chop him, next day, into bits. 46444 OLD TEST Old Test Made Easy P0012 King Saul met defeat as he warred, Was wounded, and couldn't afford To let Philistines nab him. But no one would stab him, So he had to fall on his sword. 46445 OLD TEST Ron Ecker When Lazarus rose from the dead, He still couldn't function in bed. "What good's Resurrection Without an erection?", Old Lazarus testily said. 46446 OLD TEST Anon G2004 A merry old man was Methuselah; At love, though, he's never a luselah. His dick may be shrunken, But when he gets drunken, He'll grab a young girl and he'll gooselah. 46447 OLD TEST Tiddy Ogg Dear Miss, didn't mean to malign The likes of these ladies bovine. I'm just bourgeoisie. Any good said of me, Is like casting (faux) pearls before swine. 46448 OLD TEST Joseph led a real gourmet's life. (Though he always ate peas with his knife.) When the cook cried out, "Sir! Try this great pot-au-feu," Old Joseph tried Potiphar's wife. 46449 OLD TEST All true believers understand There was not other Promised Land. While they the Red Sea walked, Of Promised Land they talked, But God had only promised sand. 46450 OLD TEST Irving Superior P9009 There once was a man named Joshua, Whose followers cried out, "How posh you are! You really show class On your royal ass,-- Which you ride as though he were Nashua. 46451 OLD TEST Jim Jambor P9009 Charles II was always in touch And when biblical students and such Would sometimes request The text he liked best, "Be not righteous," he said, "overmuch." (Ecclesiastes 7:16) 46452 OLD TEST A. N. Wilkins P8605 An Old Testament king, Ebeneezer, Had a cold-blooded wife, couldn't please her. Though you won't find a hint In the Septuagint, He just must have made love in the freezer. 46453 OLD TEST Armand E Singer 230 A daring young lady of Guam, Observed, "The Pacific's so calm, I'll swim out for a lark." She met a large shark; Let us now sing the Ninetieth Psalm. 46454 OLD TEST From reading the Bible I saw, In Solomon's life one big flaw, For all of his wives, 'Bout 905, Each came with one mother-in-law. 46455 OLD TEST Give a thought to the Empress of Sheba, Who thought Solomon called her Mein Liebe. She brought him wild asses, And grapes from Parnassus, Whilst he gave her--what?--heeba-jeeba. 46456 OLD TEST G0183 Sheba's queen was King Solomon's dream, Though their love life was not what 'twould seem. For in those olden days, They had no scented sprays, And she smelled like the Yale football team. 46457 OLD TEST Old Solomon was a great Jew, And was famous for all that he knew. He could multiply seven By nine times eleven, And divide by the square of point two. 46458 OLD TEST P8207 Old King Solomon is admired lots For his wisdom in dealing with tots, And dividing two mothers Of contrasting 'druthers Into either the halves or halve nots. 46459 OLD TEST Loren Fitzhugh P0105 For Joshua it wasn't fun, And he thought that they'd never have done; Telling every last fool Who attended the school That he was the son of a Nun. (Numbers 13:16) 46460 OLD TEST A. N. Wilkins P8907 Explanations are often exotic And maintained with a fierceness despotic. Sollie's Song deals with God? And the Church? My, how odd. To me it seems merely erotic. 46461 OLD TEST Isaac Asimov The people do not understand For all they see is sand and sand. No access road. No lake. Not one foundation stake. "Good Lord! Is this the Promised Land?" 46462 OLD TEST Irving Superior P8207 When God cursed the Tower of Babel, The artisans turned instant rabble. When each tried to speak The result was all Greek To the rest - multi-national scrabble. 46463 OLD TEST Arthur Deex P8207 If you want to get closer to God, Build a tower just like old Nimrod. But make it more stable And if you are able, Top it off with a stout lightning rod. 46464 OLD TEST Gary Hallock Read the message that's writ on the wall, In fiery script ten feet tall, And, in case Hebrew Is all Greek to you, I'll translate: It says Fuck You All! (Mene mene tekel upharsin) 46465 OLD TEST There's a man in the Bible portrayed As one deeply engrossed in his trade. He became quite elated Over things he created, Especially the women he made. 46466 OLD TEST L1585 When Belshazzar gave a great ball, A hand wrote some words on the wall. The Royal Committee For reading Graffiti Declared it made no sense at all. 46467 OLD TEST Bob Maximoff P9011 Belshazzar, from what I recall, Was the first to object to the scrawl Of graffiti artistes Interrupting his feasts, With their handwriting left on his wall. 46468 OLD TEST Indiana Millwart In vain was Belshazzar's complaint, Or a swift application of paint; By the dawn he was dead -- Wonder how? -- no one said. And the Israelites freed from restraint. 46469 OLD TEST Indiana Millwart Said Eve, "When our world was begun, And God's labors were finally done, I and Adam were equal, I wasn't a sequel. We are told so in Genesis One. 46470 OLD TEST - ADAM Laurence Perrine P9209 "I flatly and roundly deny That Adam is older than I. That tale of a rib Is an absolute fib, And Genesis Two is a lie." 46471 OLD TEST - ADAM Laurence Perrine P9209 "And as for that other old fable That Cain, after murdering Abel, Found a woman in Nod-- That's an error, By God! In his genealogical table." 46472 OLD TEST - ADAM Laurence Perrine P9209 His first night, Adam said to his dear, "Darling Eve, you had better stand clear. Since touched by your hand, It's begun to expand, And I don't know how far 'twill uprear." 46473 OLD TEST - ADAM Isaac Asimov A gay rabbi said fervently, "We've Made translations of what we believe To be Genesis pure, And we found out for sure It's the story of Adam and Steve." 46474 OLD TEST - ADAM Don Moore P9209 Our parents were Adam and Eve, Which means we are asked to believe That scumbags and mothers Are sisters and brothers. Oh, Adam! Why did you conceive? 46475 OLD TEST - ADAM Irving Superior I'm not sure that the story's a fake. Could be history has made a mistake. But there is no dispute; Adam did eat the fruit. And we know that he did bare a snake. 46476 OLD TEST - ADAM Jim Weaver Collection Is this the same Eve who made Adam So horny while watching his madam. He took several hens, Goats and sheep from their pens, To the Garden of Eden and had 'em? 46477 OLD TEST - ADAM When God had seen Adam alone, From his rib God made Eve fully grown. But a serpent conned Eve And made Adam believe He'd have been better off with his bone. 46478 OLD TEST - ADAM Warrick Elrod The serpent's temptation brought strife Into Adam and Eve's simple life. Adam, when they began, Took his woes like a man -- He blamed all of them on his wife. 46479 OLD TEST - ADAM A. N. Wilkins P8409 Said God: "That's the fruit, I believe, That I'm certain I told you to leave. What led you to take The advice from a snake?" Said Adam, "I blame it on Eve." 46480 OLD TEST - ADAM Richard Long Said young Adam, while pulling each boot on, As he left Eve bereft on the fouton: "Here's another fine fix That we're in, through your tricks; Let The Serpent eat out your fig-newton!" 46481 OLD TEST - ADAM Allen Wolverton When Adam was long in the tooth, He discovered Original Truth: The indifference of time... The brief span of man's prime... The fleet wings of the sweet bird of youth. 46482 OLD TEST - ADAM William N. Nesbit P9602 Adam should have requested a trial, Asked for witnesses for the espial, Then in manifest fury Demanded a jury And appealed from the Judge's denial. 46483 OLD TEST - ADAM Laurence Perrine P8501 Dear Adam and Eve: Hear our plea. If you ever again chance to be In Eden, take care! Of strangers beware! Don't Sit Under The Apple Tree. (signed) The Andrew Sisters 46484 OLD TEST - ADAM Irving Superior P9209 As hurriedly they left the gate, Did Adam's figleaf fluctuate? And when ten steps away, (The Bible does not say) Did Adam's figleaf stand out straight? 46485 OLD TEST - ADAM Irving Superior P9209 Imagine the first thoughts of Eve When Adam appeared, to perceive His chuckling with mirth With the first hard on Earth Her voluptousness helped him achieve. 46486 OLD TEST - ADAM Grand Prix Lim 532 P8207 Said Adam, "I hope you will pardon My approaching you thus in the Garden, But from seeing you there With your softness all bare, I've got an unbearable hard-on." 46487 OLD TEST - ADAM Lance Payne P9209 When Adam first looked upon Eve, His eyesight he could not believe. Much bigger in breast; Of pelvis, much less; The reason, he could not conceive. 46488 OLD TEST - ADAM Irving Superior P9209 Adam owned the first set of balls, Fuzzy ones that you can't buy in malls. Do they have uses Our dumb Adam muses, Until into the garden Eve crawls. 46489 OLD TEST - ADAM Harry Rubin P9209 Said Adam to Eve when they met, "Please refrain for a moment, my pet. For a part of me, here, Seems to grow as you near, And I fear just how large this might get." 46490 OLD TEST - ADAM Bob Giandomenico P9209 When Adam first looked upon Eve," "Great dissimilarities we've. The worst, I would say, We differ midway. The reason, I cannot conceive." 46491 OLD TEST - ADAM Irving Superior P8312 Yes, Adam and Eve had a fight Over which took the fatal first bite: "Love, do you insinuate..." "Yes! that in sin you ate!" And thus they continued in spite.... 46492 OLD TEST - ADAM Laurence Perrine P9206 Said Adam sadly at the gate, "Why was that angel so irate? And why did he Repeatedly Insinuate in sin you ate?" 46493 OLD TEST - ADAM Irving Superior P8207 Turning over a new leaf would pose No problem for most, except those Who, like the first Adam And his ambitious madam, Use only new leaves for their clothes. 46494 OLD TEST - ADAM P8207 Adam wasn't a man who'd deceive. It's just that he didn't believe He should stir up the fuss It would cause to discuss Sultry Lilith, his first wife, with Eve. 46495 OLD TEST - ADAM A. N. Wilkins P9209 When of Adam and Eve, old Ms. Finder Asked someone in class to remind her How the couple were like Modern students, young Ike Asked, "Was it their good loose leaf binder?" 46496 OLD TEST - ADAM A. N. Wilkins P8508 Adam said, "It's the same everywhere. These young kids go as far as the dare." Eve remembered the time, Way back in their prime, When they hadn't a fig leaf to wear. 46497 OLD TEST - ADAM Neal Wilgus P8407 "Adam, really, it's not such a crime, And you're guilty too, just as I'm. When we hadn't a care We sure did our share." What they did does not fit in this rhyme. 46498 OLD TEST - ADAM Neal Wilgus P8407 If Adam had been unrequited Or Eve had remained unexcited, The worst thing of all That then could befall: This limerick would never be writed. 46499 OLD TEST - ADAM Irving Superior P9307 Curiosity caused as much strife As jealousy in Eve's botched life. Though she called him a skunk, Unless he got drunk, Adam never discussed his first wife. 46500 OLD TEST - ADAM A. N. Wilkins P8811 What made Adam, the first man, unique -- A kind of biological freak? He had no breast to suck on, And no navel button. Created, not born, so to speak. 46501 OLD TEST - ADAM Caroline Donovan P9804 Their own failings were largely the cause, But a wretched existence it was. Yet though ill the two fared, One trial they were spared. Neither Adam nor Eve had in-laws. 46502 OLD TEST - ADAM A. N. Wilkins P9209 For Adam, life was a treadmill; 'Twas boring and offered no thrill. Every day the same beaver, The same wife, couldn't leave her; There weren't other pussies to fill. 46503 OLD TEST - ADAM Dirruk As a person can tell at this distance, Eve succumbed to the serpent's insistence. It wasn't her itch For the fruit, but his pitch. She simply had no sales resistance. 46504 OLD TEST - ADAM A. N. Wilkins P9209 "Abstention," said Adam to Eve, "Means only we could not conceive While still in the Garden, Where peckers don't harden, And you wore no skimpy fig leaf." 46505 OLD TEST - ADAM Irving Superior P9708 If Eve hadn't eaten the apple, Mankind would not have to grapple With sin and temptation, And disapprobation From ladies who worship at Chapel 46506 OLD TEST - ADAM Wendy Cope Said Adam, "My dear, can't you see, Were we wedded, how happy we'd be? Without you I'm lonely! I swear you're the only One girl in the whole world for me!" 46507 OLD TEST - ADAM Laurence Perrine P9209 A scenario based on the Bible Where events we know are liable To mention incest, Lewd Eve undressed, And permissible murder, if tribal. 46508 OLD TEST - ADAM Jim Jambor P9012 "I've covered this thing that I poke In you, Eve, with leaves," Adam spoke. Laughed Eve, "That ain't fig Leaves hidding your rig; You moron, you've used poison oak!" 46509 OLD TEST - ADAM Travis Brasell Finding God's taboos totalitarian, Eve adopted a pose of 'San Fairy Ann', (what's this??) Ate prohibited fruit, Made her mate follow suit, And left us all quite prolapsarian. (prolapsarian - slipping down of a part of the body) 46510 OLD TEST - ADAM Basil Ransome-Davies Although it was a secret to keep, The Church Father's suspicion was deep, That before Eve's creation, To relieve his frustration, Adam frequently rogered the sheep. 46511 OLD TEST - ADAM A. N. Wilkins P9209 "Bone of my bones," was Adam's decree. Concrete term, no abstract thinker, he. Were he romantic instead, He might well have said, "When I look within you, I find me!" 46512 OLD TEST - ADAM Limerick Bible P9706 When the atom he split by his wit, With uranium man made a big hit. But it did not compare To the time Eve laid bare And Adam observed the first split. 46513 OLD TEST - ADAM Al Chaplin P9209 The serpent, smooth, supple, and wily, So subtle and sinister, slyly Snaked out of the garden Without asking pardon, Triumphant, and smug, and so smiley! 46514 OLD TEST - ADAM Laurence Perrine P9209 Adam and Eve in the garden... Eve said, "Beggin' your pardon. The fuit of the day Keeps the doctor away, But it causes some people to harden!" 46515 OLD TEST - ADAM Jane D. Hughes P9209 "These fig leaves will calm down your nerves, And cover your sensuous curves," Said Adam to Eve While stitching a sleeve, "Thank heaven for what fig preserves!" 46516 OLD TEST - ADAM Travis Brasell I was thinking, while supping my soup, That none of us here in this group Would exist if old Adam Had said to Eve, "Madam, I fear I have terminal droop." 46517 OLD TEST - ADAM Peter Wilkins Claimed Adam, while sleeping, his rib Was reworked to become (it's no fib) A beautiful lass With chic and will class, But some think that his tale is too glib. 46518 OLD TEST - ADAM P8205 "Your Honor," a lawyer named Fitch, "Were Adam and Eve ever hitched? If they weren't, you're A bastard for sure!" His Honor: "You son of a bitch!" 46519 OLD TEST - ADAM Irving Superior P8111 The story of Eden is funny, However, it's not "on the money." When Eve saw the "snake," She cried, "Gimme a break." Said Adam: "This ain't no snake, honey!" 46520 OLD TEST - ADAM John K. Roberts P9211 From The Garden, expelled by The Chief, Poor old Adam felt rage mixed with grief; He said: "Eve, wretched wench: You go live with the French; I'll turn over, my dear, a new leaf!" 46521 OLD TEST - ADAM Allen Wolverton A biology Student Miss Rigg Was thrilled when she raised up a twig, And a fat worm was there; But it didn't compare To the worm 'neath the leaf of a fig. 46522 OLD TEST - ADAM Albin Chaplin Young Adam said, "God, though it's fun, All this wanking, you promised me one With a hole for my pole. (Well you said it's more whole- some.)" Said God, "Here's a donut, my son." 46523 OLD TEST - ADAM Peter Wilkins Adam and Eve in Eden, there lovered, While nearby an insurance man hovered. "Two people so smitten, Should be underwritten," Said he, "For I see you're not covered." 46524 OLD TEST - ADAM Bob Giandomenico P9407 When Adam first looked upon Eve, He knew instantly how to deceive. He approached and said, "Madam, Remember me, Adam? We have met before, I believe?" 46525 OLD TEST - ADAM Laurence Perrine P9209 Outside the gate Adam now stands, Oppressed by urinary glands. As he starts to pee, He sing triumphantly, "I've Got The Whole World In My Hands." 46526 OLD TEST - ADAM Irving Superior P9209 "I'm not horny," said Adam. Some Fib! So the Lord came and took out a rib. Lies never do work, And Adam (the jerk) Started all of today's Women's Lib. 46527 OLD TEST - ADAM Theo M. Heller P9209 Now Cain was a sower and reaper, But Abel found keeping sheep cheaper, And when God preferred lamb Over strawberry jam, Cain proved he was no brother's keeper. 46528 OLD TEST - ADAM - CAIN Laurence Perrine P8903 There was a young fellow named Cain, Who was wicked, perverse, and profane. With the leg of a table, He slugged brother Abel, And shouted, "Remember the Maine!" 46529 OLD TEST - ADAM - CAIN When Abel put meat, Cain fruit, on the table, And God preferred meat, Cain, unstable, With his stout knotted cane Beat his brother's brain Thus enabled to disable Able. 46530 OLD TEST - ADAM - CAIN Laurence Perrine P8903 Two brothers named Abel and Cain Were the first sibling rivals, 'tis plain. When Cain killed poor Abel For messing with Mabel, He was no longer prone to complain. 46531 OLD TEST - ADAM - CAIN Neal Wilgus P8207 What occurred, we are led to assume, Was that seeds that were cast in Eve's womb, Came to term as Man's bane In the person of Cain, Prototype of all evil and gloom. 46532 OLD TEST - ADAM - CAIN William N. Nesbit P9602 When Abel brought lamb to the feast, And Cain's grain was liked by God least, Cain, jealous, unstable, With one blow slew Abel. He strongly felt he had been fleeced. 46533 OLD TEST - ADAM - CAIN Laurence Perrine P8903 When Cain in a fit of vexation, Slew Abel, divine condemnation Was swift and gave pain; If he tried it now, Cain Would likely get three years probation. 46534 OLD TEST - ADAM - CAIN Biblical Limericks P9706 As a son, Cain was not all that hot, But with him Adam bettered his lot. For as wise rabbis say, When with Lilith he lay, It was demons which Adam begot. 46535 OLD TEST - ADAM - CAIN A. N. Wilkins P9209 When Cain killed Abel there began The Great Unbrotherhood of Man. And even worse Began the curse That's called the Me-First Survival Plan. 46536 OLD TEST - ADAM - CAIN Irving Superior P8207 Cain and Abel were mother Eve's twosome. Cain, a farmer, liked lettuce and grew some, While Abel kept sheep. God ranked keep about reap: Cain's murder of Abel was gruesome. 46537 OLD TEST - ADAM - CAIN Laurence Perrine P8903 When Adam saw Eve, it was plain He'd no longer have to refrain. So he tried to lay cable When e'er he was able, But Jesus! She sure could raise Cain 46538 OLD TEST - ADAM - CAIN Jim Weaver Collection Eve and Adam together had lain And produced a most fabulous twain. Eve told Abel one night That to kill was not right, But somehow she forgot to tell Cain. 46539 OLD TEST - ADAM - CAIN Clifford M Christ P0202 In Eden, B.C. (before cable) Cuba was discussed at the table. Adam said, "Again I'm going to raise cane." Eve replied, "I don't think you're able." 46540 OLD TEST - ADAM - CAIN Tom Patterson P9602 The neighbors had cause to complain, But their protests were always in vain, There was never a riot, But things rarely were quiet, What with Adam and Eve raising Cain. 46541 OLD TEST - ADAM - CAIN A. N. Wilkins P9209 Was Cain not the killer of Abel? Or is that a biblical fable. Did the children of Noah Watch floodwaters lower. Whilst building the Tower of Babel? 46542 OLD TEST - ADAM - CAIN Richard Long If Abel and Cain were to be Asked about their geneology, "It began," they would say, "With a bit of foreplay 'Neath the shade of the old apple tree." 46543 OLD TEST - ADAM - CAIN Evelyn Bogen P9510 We learn from the Testaments that Descendants of Adam begat And begat and begat And begat and begat And begat and begat and begat.... 46544 OLD TEST - ADAM - CAIN Laurence Perrine P8409 Supposing that Adam and Eve That day had obtained a reprieve - We'd all now be squeezed in The Garden of Eden And rationed the air that we breathe. 46545 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN Irving Superior P8207 A story with a different slant, On Adam and Eve and the plant With the forbidden fruit, And the serpent to boot, And the breaking of big G's command. 46546 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN Tiddy Ogg So Adam, he looked at this tree, Saw the sign: "Private property." Then Eve flashed her eyes, Caused his serpent to rise, As she said "Won't you give it to me?" 46547 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN Tiddy Ogg So eager was he for a fuck, In an instant that apple was plucked. His dick ruled his head, Just as someone has said, And from paradise the two were then struck. 46548 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN Tiddy Ogg And so it has been through the ages, A fair woman, a man's lust engages. Be it Salome or Monica, In Washington or Salonika, Such scenes fill history book pages. 46549 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN Tiddy Ogg It's the ruin of many a man; So many careers down the pan. 'Cause the flash of a tit Or that magical slit, Means abandoning the most careful plan. 46550 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN Tiddy Ogg So aim not for fortune or fame, Life's pleasure is chasing the dame. Say "Bugger the job!" And live like a slob; Spend you energy on Adam's great game. 46551 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN Tiddy Ogg The Dead Sea Scrolls de-classified Will ancient mysteries confide -- To Eden, directions; The Red Sea bi-sections; With bagel recipes inside. 46552 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN Irving Superior Adam said, "I was happy alone. All this Eve does is nag, bitch and moan. She has headaches all day, So please take her away And return, please, my missing rib bone." 46553 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN Bill Nesbit P0205 With Adam from the Garden gone, The Garden tried to linger on, But was among The gardens hung That Hanging Day in Babylon. 46554 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN Irving Superior P8207 Bible wonders just never have ceased. Fact and fable are mixed and released. By one thing I'm distressed Who stood out in the west So that God could put Eden out east? 46555 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN Albin Chaplin P9105 My wife's in the garden, a-weedin', And I am a hoein' and seedin'. "Hey Adam," says she, "I'd much rather be Residin' back there in old Eden!" 46556 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN Brian Belge "Go ahead," retorts I with a slur. "I don't think that God will concur." She says, "For Christ's sake, If it weren't for that snake, From work we could happily abjure. 46557 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN Brian Belge And I'd have me an odorless fleur. And neither of us would mature. And you'd get some pussy galeure. From me, your own virgin d'jour..." "But dear," mutters I, "You're a wheure...!" 46558 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN Brian Belge I was in my garden, a-weedin', Swingin' my hoe and then seedin'. "Oh no," says my wife, The bane of my life, "I'd rather," she sayd, "be in Eden." 46559 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN Brian And then I would never be poor; I'd have me an odorless fleur; I'd never mature; I'd be virgin d'jour; But my love, says I, you're a wheur! 46560 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN Brian While taking a trip through Sweden, Jack discovered the Garden of Eden. He ate of the fruit, And thought Eve was cute, Then watched Adam doing some weedin'. 46561 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN Anon In the shade of the old apple tree, My lady once whispered to me: "Come love, eat this apple, Then we'll have a grapple." We did and the snake laughed with glee. 46562 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN Tiddy Ogg So that was the start of it all. The church calls that day "Mankind's Fall." But to trade paradise For something so nice, That wasn't a bad deal at all. 46563 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN Tiddy Ogg 'Cause really, that Eden was tame. I'd given each creature a name. Then what was to do. If I'd not learned to screw, Each day would have turned out the same. 46564 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN Tiddy Ogg For into each life rain must fall. Pleasure unbounded must pall. It's only the bad Makes you 'preciate the glad; So hell, when you can, have a ball! 46565 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN Tiddy Ogg "Eden" is a fable at best. Just two begat all the rest? The story doth amaze me. No wonder we're crazy, If we all are the product of incest! 46566 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN John K. Roberts P9211 The Bible claims God made it all, From stars to insects that crawl. But when He made Man, It all hit the fan; With the Serpent, the Apple, the Fall. 46567 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN Gifford Wherry Impeccable manners had Jeeves When he butled at Adam and Eve's. He'd hide in the garden To play with his hard-on, While sniffing a pile of her leaves. 46568 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN Gay fundamental espirit Is reflected in Vatican III; "God made, I believe, First Adam then Eve, And then that strange fruit in the tree." 46569 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN Martin Wellborn P9009 When the snake crawled down out of the tree, Well, the symbol was phallic, you see. The apple, they say, Had led them astray. There must have been two; you agree? 46570 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN Al Willis P9602 Eve and Adam, expelled from their birthplace, Packed their fig leaves and moved to a worse place. They were forced to uproot 'Cause they tasted the fruit. But what Jerk put it there in the first place? 46571 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN Worldling If one sees it as some people view it, One sees that there's nothing much to it. They said it was God Or a lowlier Sod That planted the seed of that fru-it. 46572 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN Brian Belge Dear eve, in her birthday suit, Offered Adam the forbidden fruit. Said God, "There's no pardon! You must leave the garden. It's guarded by cherubs, so cute! 46573 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN CM They couldn't devise a disguise To escape from God's all-seeing eyes. Though they ran off and hid, God knew what they did. Why, even His apples were spies. 46574 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN Laurence Perrine P9209 Along came the serpent. Don't wait! You may eat of the fruit, I so state. It does look so nice And it took just a trice. The damage was done! They both ate. 46575 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN Christopher Goodwins In the story of Adam and Eve Two sweet kids, though a little naive. Curious - they ate, Thus sealing their fate. Yahweh, irate, insisted they leave. 46576 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN Lynn Mostafa You should properly read the bible; To tasting apple our Adam was liable. Since it was forbidden, Both were sent off to Eden; And this is our starting - quite tribal. 46577 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN In the Garden of Eden, in grief, There sat Eve with a need for relief. Likewise Adam, so blue, Knowing not what to do -- It was time to turn over a leaf. 46578 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN Albin Chaplin 3024-2975 Said young Adam, when both came to grief: "Eve, you got us in Dutch with the Chief! Wretched woman, begone!" "You know what? From now on, I'll turn over, my dear, a new leaf." 46579 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN Allen Wolverton "I'm sorry to be such a prig, But DON'T dine with Satan, that pig. If you really must munch On fruit for your lunch -- Reach under my leaf for a fig!" 46580 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN Brian Belge When Eden was all lush and green, Along came temptor VIPERINE. And one little bite Destroyed the fine site, Which to man was nevermore seen. 46581 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN Chris Papa Alright now, there is some debate If 'twas "apple" that God did create. If you give a hoot, The scripture says 'fruit'; What was it that they really ate? 46582 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN Observer My intention is not here to preach, But it could have been orange, fig, or peach. The facts I've supplied, So you can decide. And that is the end of my speech! 46583 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN Observer It's helpful the story to neaten 'Cause Eve wasn't really a cretin, But merely misheard Thinking God had averred That this was the Garden Of Eatin'. 46584 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN Hugh Clary Ashamed, they both hid, man and madam. And the Lord God spake, "Where are you, Adam?" But that doesn't show That God didn't know. God knew--but not Eve or Adam. 46585 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN Arthur Deex P9209 When Adam and Eve played in Eden, Only boys came from all of their breedin'. Well, maybe I'm dumb-- Where'd the gals all come from? Did one of their sons go to Sweden? 46586 OLD TEST - ADAM - EDEN Theo M. Heller P9209 They're Irish, the original pair. He looked down and said, "Oh hair." Eve kept her cool And replied, "Oh tool, If you want fun, put it down there." 46587 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE Tom Patterson P9602 Said Eve as she reached for the Apple, And prepared for the primordial grapple: "With the proper sales talk, Adam surely won't balk, For if anyone falls, why, that sap'll." 46588 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE G0007 A young man named Adam from Eden Was never caught stealin' or speedin'. Not one rule he broke, But started to choke When Eve on Adam's apple started feedin'. 46589 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE Tony Burrell God first created young Eve, The pinnacle of his achieve- Ments. None could surpass This fine piece of ass, "She needs though, a mate, I believe." 46590 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE Tiddy Ogg "Now Eve, you're too precious, I'm bound To say, to go tilling the ground, And other such labor. I'll make you a neighbor, From this brainless ape that I found." 46591 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE Tiddy Ogg "He'll be bigger and faster and stronger Than you, and work for much longer. He'll think he's the greatest, 'Cause I made him latest, But baby, he couldn't be wronger." 46592 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE Tiddy Ogg "I'll give to that fellow a fetish, So Eve, if he starts to get pettish, Just a flash of your breasts (That's those lumps on your chest,) Will keep him in order, you bet-ish." 46593 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE Tiddy Ogg "I'll give him two balls and a penis. And if he begins to get mean, as He will, give a squeeze, Then he'll come round with ease, (I think that's a piece of pure genius.)" 46594 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE Tiddy Ogg "But just let him think he's the boss, A bit of pride's all that you've lost, He'll work night and day, And you'll get his pay, For now and again a quick toss." 46595 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE Tiddy Ogg Pretty young Eve in her BOWER, When Adam arrived, began to cower. Saw trouble's root, Ate "Forbidden Fruit", Then more than the apples went sour. 46596 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE Chris Papa A lady named Eve wasn't heedin' Or didn't know much about readin'. She ignored a clear sign That said, "Here Do Not Dine", And got her ass thrown out of Eden. 46597 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE Elrod Warrick P9706 Now Adam was tempted by Eve, And he was quite eager to cleave. So they went to bed, And Eve wisely said, "Let's cap it so I don't conceive." 46598 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE Al Willis P9602 When sex on Eve started to pall, A dress she made, Adam to stall, Of leaves, wove contiguous. "I hope they're deciduous," Cried Adam, "I'll wait for the fall." 46599 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE Tiddy Ogg Said Eve, "No ifs, ands, or buts; Now eat my sweet apple, you putz!" "I'll make you a deal," Said Adam, genteel, "I'll eat it -- if you'll eat my nuts!" 46600 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE Travis Brasell In Genesis, Adam's the winner, Whilst Eve is denounced as the sinner For the fruit that she brings. That's how men see things; He blames her when she brings home dinner. 46601 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE Bill Greenwell Strange subjects, oh my, how we've had 'em. Who's first now the mister or madam? When it comes to the act We believe it's a fact, That Eve always comes before Adam. 46602 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE Tom Patton P0205 When Adam first met up with Eve He said, "I can't laugh up my sleeve, But to me you look queer, When you bring me my beer, And funnier still when you leave." 46603 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE William K. Alsop P9504 "I'll now persuade you to sin. And now is the time to begin." Adam's arms were outspread And quickly Eve said, "It's OK, I give up, dear, you win." 46604 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE Al Willis P9602 Original Sin, more or less, Is a source of much mental distress; But there's something much worse-- It's Original Curse, Which, according to Eve's, PMS! 46605 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE William N. Newbit P9602 When Eve said, "Oh give me a break," She had in her mind to partake Of a zesty young phallus, Without any malice, So she firmly grabbed hold of the snake. 46606 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE Al Willis P9602 Eve wanted a man who would spoil A girl who did not like to toil; "I know nothing of cooking, But am quite tasty looking, And can always bring men to a boil. 46607 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE Bill Backe-Hansen P8311 When Adam saw Eve in her figleaf, he Compared it to Eve in her nudity. And said, "It's my belief, Since now it must be leaf, I'll learn to adore her fig-ura-tive-ly. 46608 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE Irving Superior P8802 I created my Adam so pure; Then came Eve and she wiggled her lure. Think it's fair here to mention, Sex is Eve's own invention; Mortals failed to develop a cure. 46609 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE Will you come to the Animal Fair? All the birds and the beasts will be there." Thus man to his madam. Eve answered, "But Adam, I haven't a thing I can wear." 46610 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE Laurence Perrine P9209 What caused Adam's fall that grim day Wasn't apples, philosophers say. Old Nick caught the pair With a more potent snare. He dressed Eve in a sheer negligee. 46611 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE A. N. Wilkins P8802 Our cunning old grandmother Eva As adept with wit as with cleaver, When she saw Grandpa Adam And knew that he had 'em, Made sure that he'd never deceive her. 46612 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE P8207 Poor Adam saw his new found gain, Soon sang him a doleful refrain, And caused him to grieve, When his wifey Eve, Learned convenient headaches to FEIGN. 46613 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE Chris Papa The Lord said to Adam, "Beget!" And Adam said "Yessir, you bet. I'll do it at once, But I can't find no cunts. You ain't made a gal for me yet." 46614 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE Eva Bekker The Lord then made Eve, you know, And then she was ordered to show (As she was Adam's wife) Him the bright side of life, And the place where his toy had to go. 46615 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE Eva Bekker God must have a great sense of humor. Thought man would need a close roomer. Took a rib out of Adam And then called it Madame; 'Twas the start of the female consumer. 46616 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE Tom Patton P0306 Fig leaf clad and feeling downhearted, From Adam, Eve almost had parted. But an idea was born; She flattered his horn; That's how apple-polishing started. 46617 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE Jane D. Hughes P9209 Eve said, "God, I'm reluctant to say, But your first man, Ramone, may be gay. He avoids sex with me And he sits down to pee." God agreed, and made Adam next day. 46618 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE Bill Nesbit P0205 While Adam was sleeping, God snuck up, With no ether, from Adam God took up The stuff for a wife, And then gave it life. Thus Adam was wed when he woke up. 46619 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE Silvia S Crockett P0104 In the Garden of Eden way back, Eve picked up the dope-peddling knack. She tricked Adam real quick With the leaf-dropping trick, And she gave him his first taste of crack. 46620 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE Albin Chaplin P9602 God made Adam of mud, that's no fib, But for Eve, He was prone to ad lib., For with skilful dissectomy He performed a ribectomy, And pronounced them both Adam and Rib. 46621 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE Al Chaplin P0105 There was an old fellow named Knute, Who knew Hell was the end of his route. He committed each sin With a satisfied grin, Thanking Heaven that Eve ate the fruit. 46622 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE Warrick Elrod Adam wanted us all to believe, Original sin he didn't conceive; So when the time came, To apportion the blame, Just like a man, he blamed Eve. 46623 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE Jim Menger P9206 Well, God said to Adam "Look, son. In this world there's much work to be done, So I'll make you a bimbo, With her legs all akimbo, You'll surely get plenty of fun." 46624 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE When done, you can say `As a perk, I'll let you do all the housework', She'll cook and she'll sew, And will look after yo' 'Til you're ready for yet one more firk. 46625 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE A greedy young lady of Eden, On apples was quite fond of feedin'. She gave one to Adam Who said, "Thank you, madam," And then they were kicked out of Eden. 46626 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE Jim Weaver Collection Eve and Adam were kicked out of Paradise And developed a really big flair for vice. The two would get rowdy And make apple pandowdy And then sit there and eat it and swear it's nice. 46627 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE Don Moore P0205 When God made man on that day Of this creation, he cried nay! Woman, thus born And the god, then did scorn The man; I shall leave as her prey. 46628 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE Adam was surprisingly glib When he discovered he'd lost a rib; "I just can't conceive How to use Eve, But I sure like the cut of her jib!" 46629 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE Charles Barsotti P8207 Our Eve was quite naughty and crude; She liked all her men to be nude. She gave them great head, And then when she bled, She loved to be anally screwed. 46630 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE When Eve went to bathe in the stream, Adam saw her, and started to scream. God said "Calm down, The lady won't drown... But we'll never get all those fish clean!" 46631 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE Evelyn L Adam, before William Gibbs, Had free energy stored in his ribs. One day it let loose When God put it to use To make Eve, and begin Women's Lib. 46632 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE When Adam decided to ball her, Eve thought he would be an enthraller. As he pulled it out, She said, with a pout, "Here, wear this fig leaf that is smaller." 46633 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE Jim Weaver Collection I created my Adam so pure, Then came Eve and she wiggled her lure. It is fair here to mention Sex is her invention; Mortals failed to develop a cure. 46634 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE Ulla "With whom," wondered Eve, "can I tarry Or have me some fun 'fore I marry? It seem (just my luck) That with Adam I'm stuck... How I wish there was Tom, Dick or Harry. 46635 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE Peter Wilkins In the Garden of Eden man's fate Was settled when Eve took the bait. But it wasn't the apple, With which Eve had to grapple, It was Adam's banana she ate. 46636 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE Albin Chaplin 3024 P8511 Of the serpent's beguilment, be wary, For original sin is quite hairy! For the fruit that begot Man's troubles was not Eve's apple, but rather her cherry! 46637 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE Stu Lucas P9512 So Eve boffed the serpent, bore Cain; Thence sprang the criminally insane; The source of great tears Through these many years. Whence else could come Saddam Hussein. 46638 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE Tiddy Ogg In fact, it was Eve had the boobs, Which is known to us all, 'cept the rubes; And with Adam's small size, Though he'd pray to the skies, There was none but the snake in her pubes. 46639 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE Said Eve to her Adam, "You're through! When the Lord operated on you, He took more than a rib And it isn't a fib, That the snake's even better than you." 46640 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE Theo Heller P9209 Eve spoke unto God in the garden: "What do you mean Adam can harden? He looks such a fool A-sportin' that tool!" **Of course, dear, I do beg your pardon!** 46641 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE So God made it limp as a sole And then She gave Eve the control Of that little knob. And we've had the job Since then of controlling the pole. 46642 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE The first clothes designer was Eve. "Just what shall I wear when I leave?" The figleaf was there But few were aware One half of a snake was a sleeve. 46643 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE Irving Superior P9703 Was Adam the first man to fart? Or did Eve give the fart its first start? Was not keeping it in, The very first sin? Or was it thought good to impart? 46644 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE Farting is such a great pleasure, I do it myself to some measure! But maybe the first, Its loss is the worst; 'Twould be a historical treasure! 46645 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE Adam made love to Eve in a dell, Then the Lord came and Eve ran pell mell. In her terror to flee She leapt into the sea, And that is why fish have that smell. 46646 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE Bob Giandomenico P9209 When He was questioned by Eve, God told her "Yes, Adam was first and he's older. If I made you, madam, And then I'd made Adam, You'd have been kibbitzing over my shoulder." 46647 OLD TEST - ADAM - EVE H Myer TP9804 On her Apple, Eve checked with the gang To determine who'd have the first bang. But Adam, he knew Who would get the first screw, For he was the one with the Wang. (Apple computer, Wang Computer) 46648 OLD TEST - ADAM - SCREWING Albin Chaplin P9602 The Garden of Eden was grand; It's where Adam and Eve took a stand. Their stay's interrupted As they were corrupted, When he got the lay of the land. 46649 OLD TEST - ADAM - SCREWING Tom Patterson P9602 To all who Genesis believe-- Naive was Adam when nigh Eve. But once outside the gate-- A world to populate-- Nigh Eve was Adam not naive. 46650 OLD TEST - ADAM - SCREWING Irving Superior P9209 As Adam and Eve lay in the sand, He fondled her hair, each strand. When he searched her bod, She cried out, "Oh God! You have everything well in hand." 46651 OLD TEST - ADAM - SCREWING Tom Patterson P9602 A mathematician named Reeves Said the first sixty-nine, he believes, In Eden occurred And it was, he averred, Simultaneous consumption of leaves. 46652 OLD TEST - ADAM - SCREWING Al Chaplin P9209 Back in the days of old Adam, The grass served as mattress for madam. And they spent the whole day On the sex that today They would bounce on box springs, if they had 'em. 46653 OLD TEST - ADAM - SCREWING G0003 His ardor, young Adam would slake, If Eve he'd be able to take. They nestled with ease Beneath the tall trees, 'Twas then she complained of headache. 46654 OLD TEST - ADAM - SCREWING Jim Weaver Collection Sat Adam and Eve in the garden. When Adam saw Eve's legs a partin', He got a hard dickie, Then had his first quickie, And that's how we all got our startin'. 46655 OLD TEST - ADAM - SCREWING Bob Leclerc Back in Eden on that fateful day God: "Where's Eve?" To which Adam did say: "Sex surpasses my dream, Now Eve's down in the stream." God: "Damn. The fish will all smell that way." 46656 OLD TEST - ADAM - SCREWING Rick Kaplowitz P9706 Adam whispered to Eve, with a grin, "Let us lie in the grass, skin to skin. Let me put mine in yours And we'll see what occurs When we practice Original Sin." 46657 OLD TEST - ADAM - SCREWING William N. Nesbit P9602 It seems Eve just would not go astray, And then Adam became quite risque. "The apples we stole Have now sullied our soul, So we might as well roll in the hay." 46658 OLD TEST - ADAM - SCREWING Al Willis P9602 In Eden lay Adam concerned, That new outlets for pleasure be learned. But the man was a gent For the guy really meant: "We'll be certain no leaf is unturned." 46659 OLD TEST - ADAM - SCREWING Albin Chaplin P9505 "Of apples," God warned them, "be wary. They can make situations quite hairy." But I doubt that's the fruit That gave them the boot; More likely 'twas only a cherry. 46660 OLD TEST - ADAM - SCREWING Jim Weaver Collection Men of science have worked in collusion To bring hydrogen bombs to conclusion. But the Big Blast was second, For the first, we have reckoned, Was when Adam with Eve lay in fusion. 46661 OLD TEST - ADAM - SCREWING Albin Chaplin And then there's the one about Eve Who never had tricks up her sleeve. Of course she was nude When old Adam screwed -- The original trick, I believe. 46662 OLD TEST - ADAM - SCREWING Neal Wilgus P8207 If in Eden he didn't once make His woman nor ever partake Of sexual play, As some preachers say, Adam certainly owed one to the snake. 46663 OLD TEST - ADAM - SCREWING A. N. Wilkins P9209 I've a theory I'd like to propound. It was not, as some scholars have found, The apple aglow, On the tree that brought woe To the world, but that pair on the ground. 46664 OLD TEST - ADAM - SCREWING John Ciardi Now the serpent was wily and crafty, And he moved upon Eve very deftly. He said, "Put it in!" And there began sin. It was then that thing really got nasty. 46665 OLD TEST - ADAM - SCREWING Jim Weaver Collection Now that Adam's been given a mate, He begins by exploring his date. Where her torso adjoins He discoveres some loins, And the ribbing she gives him feels great! 46666 OLD TEST - ADAM - SCREWING Thomas A. Quinine P8409 This movie takes courage and pluck But Disney could use Donald Duck, Where the Lord in His majesty (This won't be a travesty) Shows Adam the right way to fuck. 46667 OLD TEST - ADAM - SCREWING Phil Cannibal P9012 Having watched other animals mating, Adam found his own solace while waiting. So God promised a woman To this first horny human, If the poor sod would stop masturbating. 46668 OLD TEST - ADAM - SCREWING A. N. Wilkins P9209 "Good God! What a terrible flap'll Be caused by that one bite of apple." Said the Lord, but that frolic Was sex (quite symbolic) That's not shown in the old Sistine Chapel. 46669 OLD TEST - ADAM - SCREWING Isaac Asimov When Adam first came across Eve, He said, "We, I would say, are naive. I don't give a hoot About eating the fruit, And I say we should try to conceive." 46670 OLD TEST - ADAM - SCREWING Al Willis P9602 Adam and Eve were instructed to Propagate, what should they do? They had to wait For a later date, Till Archimedes invented the screw. 46671 OLD TEST - ADAM - SCREWING Tom Patterson P9602 When Eve Adam first tried to make, He found it was no piece of cake. So though it seemed odd, Adam beseeched his God, "Please tell me, Lord, what's a headache?" 46672 OLD TEST - ADAM - SCREWING Jane D. Hughes P9209 A Sunday school teacher from Quorn By Bathsheba and David were torn. Should she laud the behavior Of these roots of Our Savior Or denounce the whole story as porn? 46673 OLD TEST - DAVID A. N. Wilkins P8611 King Solomon in Sheba's bower Will wash and rinse her for an hour. But Dave, his dad, Less patience had - He helped Bathsheba take a shower. 46674 OLD TEST - DAVID Irving Superior P8207 To David, Goliath doth crieth, "How dare you to challenge Goliath? And why dost thou stay A stone's throw away?" How quiet Goliath doth lieth. 46675 OLD TEST - DAVID Irving Superior How quiet Goliath doth lieth. Just moments before he had crieth, "Yon David I'll slay But why doth he stay A stone's throw away from Goliath. 46676 OLD TEST - DAVID Irving Superior P8207 God said, "David, did you smite Goliath With a rock and your sling? For he dieth." David said, "That's my sling, But I loaned Jeb the thing." God said, "David, I think that you lieth." 46677 OLD TEST - DAVID William N Nesbit P0209 You do have your myths in a twitht. Old Goliath he never got pithed. He was thtone cold thober When Dave knocked him over. (Dave aimed for hith jewelths but mithed) 46678 OLD TEST - DAVID Ericka Goliath was known for ferocity. An expert in every atrocity, But was knocked in a heap By a boy who kept sheep, A victim of teenage precocity. 46679 OLD TEST - DAVID Frank Richards Young David was hung like a bull. To his girl he said, "Here, have a pull." But she had just eaten, Samuel's meat she'd just beaten. And she said, "Not just now, I'm still full." 46680 OLD TEST - DAVID Neal Wilgus P8207 Once I read in an old tattered book, How David, a shepherd boy, took On giant Goliath, And if it's no lieth, He got that bloke to sling his hook. 46681 OLD TEST - DAVID Tiddy Ogg So David's boss-man, name of Saul, Said "Stone the crows, Jack, was that all, You needed, plus luck, To fell that big schmuck. Come on lad, and we'll now have a ball." 46682 OLD TEST - DAVID Tiddy Ogg "Ogg, you're getting the name wrong!", you cry. "No, leaving escape routes," say I, For giant-killer Jack, Is one devious way back, When this dubious tale goes awry. 46683 OLD TEST - DAVID Tiddy Ogg At the feast Dave says "I beg your pardon, King Saul, but I'm getting a hard on. Is that chick your daughter? She looks just the sorta Gal who'd go well in the garden." 46684 OLD TEST - DAVID Tiddy Ogg "That'll cost you," says Saul, "Many sows and Piglets, sheep and several cows and A great many kine... No, zap Philistines, And bring me some foreskins, a thousand." 46685 OLD TEST - DAVID Tiddy Ogg Dave thinks this a damned strange request, But off he goes at Saul's behest, And to Philis does say "Will you give away Your todger-cowls?" They're not impressed. 46686 OLD TEST - DAVID Tiddy Ogg To his amazement, the Phils are resistant, But our Davey, forever persistent, And a man of few words, Just hacks off their pork swords, And into a cart throws their pistons. 46687 OLD TEST - DAVID Tiddy Ogg The reasoning for this strange mission, From Saul was a total omission. The answer of course is, They're all hung like horses, And providing too much competition. 46688 OLD TEST - DAVID Tiddy Ogg So he travels on home with his booty, On the way, meeting many a cutie, Who whimpers and wails, O'er these Philistine tails, With which they'll no more do their duty. 46689 OLD TEST - DAVID Tiddy Ogg So Saul Gives his girl as Dave's wife, And he leads her a hell of a life, With his battles and fights, And the carnal delights In the whore house on Saturday night. 46690 OLD TEST - DAVID Tiddy Ogg Well my Ermintrude's starting her yelling, And although there's a lot more for telling, Of how he put the bite On Uriah Hittite, I'd better go give her my swelling. 46691 OLD TEST - DAVID Tiddy Ogg When David had counted the throng A noxious disease came along, From Jaweh's own hand, Decimating the land, So the census results were all wrong. (Samuel 24:15) 46692 OLD TEST - DAVID A. N. Wilkins P8512 The bath of Bathsheba, for certain, Caused David the King some big hurtin'; But David repented And then he invented The rod to hold a shower curtain. 46693 OLD TEST - DAVID Travis Brasell Goliath was killed by the rock Of David, who said with much shock: "Oh, I'm feeling shame, 'Twas such a poor aim; I hit his damn head -- not his cock!" 46694 OLD TEST - DAVID Travis Brasell A rock on the cock causes shock, But if you're desiring to knock His head off his shoulder, You need a great boulder, The size of a huge concrete block. 46695 OLD TEST - DAVID Goliath was taller and fatter, Than those he intended to batter. But David stayed calm, He composed a quick psalm, And show them that size doesn't matter. 46696 OLD TEST - DAVID Richard Long So David, the youngest of three, Accepted his challenge. And he With sling aimed at forehead, Just killed the guy stone dead; Beheaded him for all to see! 46697 OLD TEST - DAVID Christopher Goodwins Of Goliath now will I sing: The giant who was slain by a sling. He was killed by a stone, Which was quite nicely thrown By David, who later was king. 46698 OLD TEST - DAVID Thomas A Ratliff P0305 The Lord spake with a tone of affection And for Passover gave His direction. "I have made this provision-- All must have circumcision-- So prepare for a short-arm inspection." 46699 OLD TEST - EXODUS Albin Chaplin P9104 Long before the affair at the stable, This advice came from God--it's no fable: "When the dinner bell rings Show your circumcised things, Or do not take a seat at my table." 46700 OLD TEST - EXODUS Albin Chaplin P9104 Said Moses to God, "If I go And I speak with God's voice, will folks know? Said God, in a jam, "I AM THAT I AM -- Just tell them I am told you so." 46701 OLD TEST - EXODUS Phil Cannibal P9103 From a cloud the good Lord had a yearning To reach Moses on matters concerning I BE THAT I BE, But no cloud could He see. So he spake from a bush that was burning. 46702 OLD TEST - EXODUS Albin Chaplin P9103 Moses, who did not think quick, Showed the people his leprotic prick. When he showed it again It was healthy, amen! And the people knew God did the trick. 46703 OLD TEST - EXODUS Albin Chaplin P9104 To Moses God gave His advice That ventriloquist tricks would suffice. But Moses was numb And terribly dumb That the Lord had to lecture him twice. 46704 OLD TEST - EXODUS Albin Chaplin P9105 Zipporah appeared somewhat miffed That her Moses with God had a rift. So she took a sharp stone, Circumcised her son's bone, And the foreskin was God's bloody gift. 46705 OLD TEST - EXODUS Albin Chaplin P9103 To the ground Moses threw down a rod And a snake did appear on the sod. Then a frog he did kiss And a prince came from this, Which proves the existence of God. 46706 OLD TEST - EXODUS Albin Chaplin P9104 God told Moses to strike up the band And show people his leprous right hand. Then with artful finesse He would cure the whole mess Proving God was the King of the land. 46707 OLD TEST - EXODUS Phil Cannibal P9104 God told Moses to start telling quips. In defense Moses said, "I make slips And my tongue often fails-- I could tell better tales If I only had circumcised lips." 46708 OLD TEST - EXODUS Phil Cannibal P9104 "Though the mind," declared Pharoah, "recoils From the painful afflictions and broils Which the Hebrew priest wrought, The most loathsome, I thought, Were the festering blains and the boils." (Exodus 9:10) 46709 OLD TEST - EXODUS A. N. Wilkins P8512 They marched seven days 'round the walls, And cheered, and blew their trumpet calls. The people went hoarse With their shouting, of course, Till Bang! Crash! Old Jericho falls! 46710 OLD TEST - EXODUS Christopher Goodwins Ruth stood 'midst the alien corn; She's homeless and looks so forlorn. Then over the hill She sees with a thrill Young Joshua blowing his horn. 46711 OLD TEST - EXODUS Tiddy Ogg They claim that horn fells walls and doors, And smites the Philistine (w)hordes. That may be a fable But one thing it's able To do is make Ruth drop her drawers. 46712 OLD TEST - EXODUS Tiddy Ogg As stated, here I will not trouble To tell you of walls turned to rubble, But one thing I'm sure of, Young Ruth wanted more of That treatment she got in the stubble. 46713 OLD TEST - EXODUS Tiddy Ogg It all came to an immediate halt, When Ruth became a pillar of salt. While no one could dick her, At least they could lick her; 'Twas all horny young Joshua's fault. 46714 OLD TEST - EXODUS John Henry When Moses gave Pharoah a "nix", Pharoah said, "That, me off, it sure ticks. Now Moses, my pigeon, You should stick to religion; Keep your nose out of my politics." 46715 OLD TEST - EXODUS Limeric Bible P9706 Down the Nile, a-tisket, a-tasket; Moses in a small wicker basket. Save him not, Pharaoh's daughters! Leave the child on the waters Or The Red Sea will blow up its gasket. 46716 OLD TEST - EXODUS Lynn Mostafa Have you ever considered it odd That a supposedly self-declared God Should punish a grandkid For something his gramp did? It's proclaimed in the Bible, by God. (Exodus 34:6-7) 46717 OLD TEST - EXODUS Laurence Perrine P8902 When the Pharaoh of Egypt first saw Israelites wouldn't bow to his law, He screamed, "Anymore tricks You'll get just earth for bricks!" The dour Hebrews said, "That's the last straw." 46718 OLD TEST - EXODUS Loren Fitzhugh P0201 There was an old man named Isaiah, Who foresaw the coming Messiah. Jonah told tales Of life inside whales, And Moses set bushes on fiah. 46719 OLD TEST - GENESIS Richard Long These four fathers of Genesis knew Their wives when at plus 62, The were heard to say "Whee, This beats AARP, And sitting around with nothing to do. 46720 OLD TEST - GENESIS Limerick Bible P9706 In Genesis one quickly tires Of lists, length, miles-frequent-fliers; It's tough to endure Biblical LONGUEUR, Stretches of sons and their sires. 46721 OLD TEST - GENESIS Chris Papa Since God had no place He could stay, He created a Heaven, they say. He made DAY as a lark And they He added some DARK, And He smiled and He called it a day. 46722 OLD TEST - GENESIS Phil Cannibal P9105 For three days the Lord stood aghast While the morning and evening still passed. It was poorly begun And was done without SUN So the Lord had to do something fast. 46723 OLD TEST - GENESIS Albin Chaplin P9105 God created the MOON for the night, But the MOON had a mind full of spite, For the son-of-a-gun Spent much time with the SUN Leaving men in the dark with no light. 46724 OLD TEST - GENESIS Albin Chaplin P9105 On day four God created the SUN And He made it rule DAY just for fun. And, heaven forbid, It's a good thing He did! Or daylight would cease at day one. 46725 OLD TEST - GENESIS Phil Cannibal P9105 Though the Lord had a salvation plan Ever since the creation began, Yet He still was possessed And was fully obsessed With removing the foreskin of man. 46726 OLD TEST - GENESIS Albin Chaplin P9103 To the gate of St. Peter came Nick. He said, "Open the gate and be quick." But St. Peter said, "Wait, I'll not open the gate Till you show me your circumcised prick." 46727 OLD TEST - GENESIS Albin Chaplin P9104 At ninety Abe's wife did embrace The Lord who did visit her place. Said the Lord, "Abe, take care, For a son she shall bear." And Abraham laughed in God's face. 46728 OLD TEST - GENESIS Albin Chaplin P9103 Old Sarah was stricken and sore But the Lord said her sex he'd restore. "Do you mean I will screw With an orgasm, too?" Said the Lord, "You'll get that and much more." 46729 OLD TEST - GENESIS Albin Chaplin P9103 "It was," Saral said, "a real gaffe. I did not, I know, do it by half, But, Abram, your pardon. Your getting a hard-on At your age! It still makes me laugh." 46730 OLD TEST - GENESIS A. N. Wilkins P8509 It seems Lot had no feeling of fault But his daughters their fucking did halt, So he got drunk again And went out on the plane, Where he fucked a pillar of salt. 46731 OLD TEST - GENESIS Albin Chaplin P9106 As Judah the water did draw, He looked down and his hard-on he saw. He slipped Tamar his cock For a goat from his flock. Thus he fucked with his daughter-in-law. 46732 OLD TEST - GENESIS Albin Chaplin P9106 Living in a cave with their dad And no husband or stud to be had, As his daughters design They make Lot drunk with wine, And get pregnant that night in his pad. 46733 OLD TEST - GENESIS A. N. Wilkins P9508 The daughters of Lot could not bother To look for two men as they oughter, So they got daddy drunk And were screwed in his bunk-- Each now known as fucker of father. 46734 OLD TEST - GENESIS Albin Chaplin P9106 The Creation was done without test And nothing came out for the best. A quadrillion stars ALSO! To create them took gall, so No wonder the Lord had to rest! 46735 OLD TEST - GENESIS Phil Cannibal P9105 Jacob worked out his full stint To win Rachel, with never a hint That aught was awry -- Then Laban so sly Said, "Now, bubbie, read the small print." 46736 OLD TEST - GENESIS Biblical Limericks P0202 To Abraham God thusly spoke, "Thou shalt sacrifice Isaac in smoke." So Abe reached out to slay him, But the angel did stay him. "Ha Ha!" said the Lord, "It's a joke!" 46737 OLD TEST - GENESIS Albin Chaplin P9105 With his cousin, Jake started undressing, Next his sister he started caressing. Then he proceeded to screw Both the handmaidens too, And all with the Lord's holy blessing. 46738 OLD TEST - GENESIS Albin Chaplin P9106 To Jake said the angel, "I came To provide you a change from your name." Some years later God came With his message, the same, "To provide you a change for your name." 46739 OLD TEST - GENESIS Phil Cannibal P9105 It seems the Good Lord had forgot The name change for Abe that he sought. Angel-wrestling at night With Jake was too trite. So God had to wrought a new plot. 46740 OLD TEST - GENESIS Albin Chaplin P9105 Judah's friend was a sheepherder pure-- Hirah's prick only touched sheep manure. Judah fucked in the straw With his daughter-in-law. Hirah relished his role as voyeur. 46741 OLD TEST - GENESIS Phil Cannibal P9106 While looking for whores, Judah saw A harlot with veil, in the raw. When he blew midst her thighs She did yell out, "Surprise! You have just fucked your daughter-in-law!" 46742 OLD TEST - GENESIS Albin Chaplin P9106 From the X-rays old Judah did say That Tamar had twins on the way. A hand poked from her twat-- Wrote, "A girl I am not." But his brother was first to see day. 46743 OLD TEST - GENESIS Albin Chaplin P9105 When the madam did answer the door, It was Onan to visit his whore. She had new carpets laid And was sadly dismayed To see Onan jack-off on the floor. 46744 OLD TEST - GENESIS Albin Chaplin P9106 Since Er behaved badly, God frowned And by God, Er was throttled and drowned. Onan married Er's wife But was slain by God's knife, Because Onan jacked-off on the ground. 46745 OLD TEST - GENESIS Phil Cannibal P9106 When Onan on earth his sperm poured, He was killed by a wrathful God's sword. I conclude from my crimes, Fully five thousand times, I've been killed and revived by the Lord. 46746 OLD TEST - GENESIS Phil Cannibal P9106 Pharoah's butler had dreams in his head. He asked Joseph what God to him said. Joseph told the Lord's view So the baker asked too, But the baker was already dead. 46747 OLD TEST - GENESIS Albin Chaplin P9104 Sons of God have their balls full of cream-- To screw virgins on earth is their scheme. When these ladies are mated, Many giants are created Who then join a pro basketball team. 46748 OLD TEST - GENESIS Albin Chaplin P9105 Sons of God in the heavens did roam-- Where they came from, it never was known. They each other upended, Then to Earth they descended, Where their seed amongst virgins was sown. 46749 OLD TEST - GENESIS Phil Cannibal P9105 The Scripture is really quite clear. There's no marriage in heaven, I fear. Like the angels before (Gen. 6, in verse 4) -- Free love is the answer. Hear! Hear! 46750 OLD TEST - GENESIS Bill Loring P9001 A biblical puzzle I've solved; A saline solution's involved. That nice Mister Lot A divorce never got; The rain came and his wife was dissolved. 46751 OLD TEST - GENESIS Prof Praise the Lord! His name EXALT. Though nosiness was her chief fault. He fixed Lot's wife good, Changed where she stood, Into a hard pillar of salt. 46752 OLD TEST - GENESIS Chris Papa There was an old bloke in the Bible, Built an ark as a means of survival. But due to a flaw, There were fights tooth and claw; Each animal there had a rival. 46753 OLD TEST - GENESIS Richard Long Onan found, as he pondered them o'er, His progenitive duties a bore; He'd have been in there trying, If he'd known he'd be dying For shunning his sister-in-law. 46754 OLD TEST - GENESIS Biblical Limericks P9706 The tale of the Tower of Babel, Another old Christian-type fable, Is all truth, you know, 'Cause scholars can show 'Twas written by god's cousin Mabel. 46755 OLD TEST - GENESIS Jonah mused, as he cruised through the whale, "I'm in guts to my nuts in this jail, But I'll pass through the ass In a mass of hot gas, And depart with a fart through the tail." 46756 OLD TEST - JONAH G1480 When Jonah was inside the whale, He probably went rather pale, And said: "What I wish Is to exit this fish, By the mouth and not via the tail. 46757 OLD TEST - JONAH Richard Long From the bible there comes a tale gory, How the whale swallowed Jonah so hoary. But what boggles the mind Is when you later find How so many men swallowed the story. 46758 OLD TEST - JONAH Albin Chaplin P9104 Old Jonah, the butt of rebuke, All dressed in fine coat and peruke, His fate did bewail, So God spoke to the whale, And the whale on the dry land did puke. 46759 OLD TEST - JONAH Phil Cannibal P9104 In tears sits Jonah in the whale; In darkness Jonah has to bail. "I wet each match I try to scratch." He blubbers and begins to wail. 46760 OLD TEST - JONAH Irving Superior P8207 When Jonah went into the whale, He was spit out again, whole and hale. But that is for looks And the sale of good books. I bet he was shat out the tail! 46761 OLD TEST - JONAH Jim Weaver Collection There once was a postman named Hale Who swam into the mouth of a whale. He looked all about Crying, "Jonah, come out! There's once cent postage due on your mail!" 46762 OLD TEST - JONAH Ogden Nash P9002 Jonah messed with God to no avail, And ended up in the gut of a whale. "If I get out, Oi! I will be a good boy! But this is a whale of a tale!" 46763 OLD TEST - JONAH Jim Weaver Collection I've thought, now and then, as of late, Of that bible fisherman's fate; That Jonah's a fool. He ignored that old rule, "Do not use yourself as the bait!" 46764 OLD TEST - JONAH Tiddy Ogg Old Jonah was told all along "Go to Nineveh and sing them your song." For those not believin' He proved that not even Can a whale stomach prophets for long. 46765 OLD TEST - JONAH John M. Scoot P9704 Cowardly old Jonah set sail And was promptly swallowed up by the whale. Said the fish with disdain, "Lord, I hate to complain, But your prophet is moldy and stale!" 46766 OLD TEST - JONAH Lynn Mostafa There once was a fellow named Aaron While crossing a desert most barren, "No lilacs, no roses, No grass, Holy Moses! Can this be the suburbs of Canaan?" 46767 OLD TEST - MOSES Irving Superior P8207 Said Moses, "The Gold Calf affronts The Lord: and your prayers -- lustful grunts." Then, having his way, Smashed the tablets of clay, Breaking all Ten Commandments at once. 46768 OLD TEST - MOSES Ed Potts P8908 Prophet Moses, that stuttering dunce, Spying Hebrew girls flashing their cunts 'Round that foul Golden Calf, Smashed the tablets in half Breaking all Ten Commandments at once. 46769 OLD TEST - MOSES Robin K. Willoughby P8908 Old Moses though clearly no dunce, Pulled one of the klutziest stunts; While the tablets he gripped, On his robes when he tripped Breaking all Ten Commandments at once. 46770 OLD TEST - MOSES Bob Giandomenico P8908 Now Moses descends and confronts His people at Golden Calf stunts. He drops, with a groan, Two tablets of stone, Breaking all Ten Commandments at once. 46771 OLD TEST - MOSES Laurence Perrine P8908 Moses had been on Mt. Sinai for months, When God found he'd chosen a dunce, While skipping along, Moses tripped on his thong, Breaking all Ten Commandments at once. 46772 OLD TEST - MOSES C. W. Curry P8908 From Sinai came Moses, poor dunce. He discovered idolatrous stunts. Thus chagrined, Moses threw Down the tablets so new, Breaking all Ten Commandments at once. 46773 OLD TEST - MOSES John Dohner P8908 Then God said to Moses: "You're strong; Let's go up this hill, come along." He went, scratched his scabs, Then picked up the slabs, Where God wrote his own bill of wrongs. 46774 OLD TEST - MOSES Tiddy Ogg With boss gone, the tribe had a laugh, They boozed, drank and partied, not half! The gals loosed their tresses, And hitched up their dresses Knee-high, showing much golden calf. 46775 OLD TEST - MOSES Tiddy Ogg Then Mo down the mountain descended, He saw this, and went quite demented, And smashed up his rocks, Put the bits in a box, And thus was the jigsaw invented. 46776 OLD TEST - MOSES Tiddy Ogg Young Moses, it seems had a yearning To pursue a strange method of learning. He ignited the hair Of a lady's affair, And he talked to the bush that was burning. 46777 OLD TEST - MOSES Albin Chaplin 3024-2934 Think of Moses, of biblical fame; He didn't need a second name. His MONONYM was enough, 'Cause when things got rough, He'd get God to set a bush aflame. 46778 OLD TEST - MOSES Norm Brust These are the laws you must keep: Put God first. And images heap In a pile. But Gods name You must never defame. And take a day off for a sleep! 46779 OLD TEST - MOSES Christopher Goodwins Give honor to mom and to dad, And don't murder folk, 'cause that's bad. Adultry's wrong, So is stealing, along With saying your neighbor's a cad. 46780 OLD TEST - MOSES Christopher Goodwins You have all you need in this life, So don't covet things that are rife -- Not animals, spouse, Or possessions, or house! Evil habits cut down with a knife! 46781 OLD TEST - MOSES Christopher Goodwins Moses' cohorts grew restive and whiny, And constructed a gold idol shiny: "We need something more Up-to-date to adore Than some 'shalts' and 'shalt nots' from Mount Sinai!" 46782 OLD TEST - MOSES Biblical Limericks P0202 Old Mo led his folks out of Egypt; They came to a sea; in his toe dipped. He yelled "Lord tell to me, How do we cross this sea, With all of my gear to be trans-shipped." 46783 OLD TEST - MOSES The Lord said: "Go find Habbakuk; And feed loads of beans to that schmuck. Put a plug in his ass, Which will hold back the gas, And in a few days, if you've luck..." 46784 OLD TEST - MOSES So on the bank Hab bared his ass, And let forth a deafening blast. The force of that fart Made the great waters part, And the whole motley crew of them passed. 46785 OLD TEST - MOSES Moses ate food from a trough. It Was disgusting to see how he'd scoff it. He grew round as a ball, But was still loved by all, Because everyone loves a 'fat prophet'. (see Mormon Church - McW) 46786 OLD TEST - MOSES Tim Moses was a constipated man. Once high up on Mt. Sinai, he ran. From a bush, the Lord hissed, "I'll give you an assist; Here's two tablets; they're called Serutan." (Serutan - natures spelled backward is a nostrum - McW) 46787 OLD TEST - MOSES Said Moses to each Israelite: "Now we've come to the Red Sea all right. Now you can get started While the waters are parted - But wait for the little green light." 46788 OLD TEST - MOSES P8207 Old Moses brought laws cut in stone And thought that his flock would atone. But they rejected his gaff, And they made a gold calf, And put the thing up on a throne. 46789 OLD TEST - MOSES Frank Ward Now this pissed him right to the bone, And he busted those tablets of stone. Then went back to the mountain And for forty days countin', Tried getting some more on a loan. 46790 OLD TEST - MOSES Frank Ward Then Jehovah did draw down the screw; This time let him have only two. "Of Commandments, here's Ten, And you had better win! Or I'll wipe out that whole Jewish crew." 46791 OLD TEST - MOSES Frank Ward Then Moses came down in a snit. Said, "I've had enough of your shit! You will obey what is written Or you will be smitten And cast into a bottomless pit!" 46792 OLD TEST - MOSES Frank Ward And then he climbed up on a knoll, And started these laws to extol. "Now, no image you'll make!" Then he cast a bronze snake, And put it up high on a pole. 46793 OLD TEST - MOSES Frank Ward But this seemed to make the Jews madder. He explained, "If you are bit by an adder, Just gaze at my snake. You'll be cured by daybreak. If you can't see it, climb up this ladder. 46794 OLD TEST - MOSES Frank Ward Well this commandment crap got bounced around, And through the long ages was found That all these great rules Were for other damned fools, To keep them from taking your ground! 46795 OLD TEST - MOSES Frank Ward A story not apt to inspire us Was found on an ancient papyrus; It seems that when Moses Came down with sclerosis, He prayed not to God, but Osiris. 46796 OLD TEST - MOSES Butcher Baker P9301 "The Lord," Moses said, "gave us many things Consistent with good kosher upbringings. The rest can be crammed In those little blue cans. Gentiles will eat most anything." (SPAM comes in a little blue can) 46797 OLD TEST - MOSES Will Briggs Ten times cried Moses, "Let us go!" Ten times the Pharaoh answered, "No!" Ten times plus one, Perhaps a pun, "You're not," cried he, "Fair, Oh, Pharaoh." 46798 OLD TEST - MOSES Irving Superior P8207 A horny old Hebrew named Moses Watched girls in unnatural poses, But claiming this odd Vice sacred to God, Came out of it smelling like roses. 46799 OLD TEST - MOSES Armand E Singer 348 God gave Moses a holy command, "To the Pharaoh show tricks in his land." But Moses was short In the magical sport. Said the Lord, "TAKE MY ROD IN YOUR HAND." 46800 OLD TEST - MOSES Al Chaplin P9608 Exterminator: Specialty roses. No poisons -- no traps -- and no hoses. Infestations of frogs, Rodents, plagues, and wild dogs. Free inspection -- will travel -- See Moses. 46801 OLD TEST - MOSES Arthur Deex P8703 When Moses found out what was what, Eight out of ten were SHALT NOT. You may think that strong, But you would be wrong; Nobody intends to get caught. 46802 OLD TEST - MOSES Laurence Perrine P8604 Old Moses loved virgin Zipporah, And also, 'twas rumored, a whorah; Plus Jew Law, you see, So Moses loved three: Zipporah, the whorah, the Torah. 46803 OLD TEST - MOSES Travis Brasell Old Noah thought, "Since this damn flood'll Last months, with the sheep I will huddle;" He heard his wife speak, "This ark sprang a leak; I found, by the sheep, a white puddle!" 46804 OLD TEST - NOAH Travis Brasell A fundamentalist update -- While forty days and nights they wait, Those beasts know as "extincts" (Includes two Missing Links) Are what the other two ate. 46805 OLD TEST - NOAH Irving Superior P9009 "You, Noah, deserve to be saved, For you're not even mildly depraved. Build an ark. Make it huge, To withstand the deluge, Lest you sink to a watery grave." 46806 OLD TEST - NOAH Old Test Made Easy P0110 Depressed were the spermatozoa Born many long eons agoa. With no chance for frolics Or fun in the bollocks Of ancient and wizened old Noah. 46807 OLD TEST - NOAH Peter Wilkins They yearned for the chance to dabble At swimming upstream (what a rabble) But Noah was old And his blood had grown cold, To they ended their days playing scrabble. 46808 OLD TEST - NOAH Peter Wilkins In twos, as they entered the Ark, A "psst psst" made Noah remark, "Mosquitoes 'psst psst' I should check my list," However by then it was dark. 46809 OLD TEST - NOAH Irving Superior P9611 Said God, "This contemptible race Has proved itself shockingly base. Such rascals! Confound them, I fear I must drown them. They're sinning all over the place. 46810 OLD TEST - NOAH Old Test Made Easy P0110 When the dove returned from the dark And fluttered on deck of the ark, Old Noah got a peek Of a bug in its beak, And said, "It is time to debark." 46811 OLD TEST - NOAH Chris Papa Forty days, forty nights, how it poured! They were itchy, rheumatic, and bored. But they weathered the flood, And debarked in the mud. "Last one off is a slug!" said the Lord. 46812 OLD TEST - NOAH Old Test Made Easy P0110 "What's that, Pa?" said Japheth, "A tent?" Said Noah, "Just 'ark and repent!" Said Shem, "It's a sham." "What's it made of?" said Ham. "Gopher Wood," Noah said. So they went. 46813 OLD TEST - NOAH John Doile P9604 When light skin contacts skin that's dark, Perhaps behind shrubs in a park, Such pairings are neat, Though it could face defeat, If Noah should rebuild his Ark. 46814 OLD TEST - NOAH Tucker D. Ott P8911 When Noah was loading his barge, Reb Levi he had to discharge, 'Cause he lost his cool, When he saw Reb's tool; "LEVIATHAN is just too large!" 46815 OLD TEST - NOAH Chris Papa Come to Noah's for wine and strong waters, And for diddling in clean classy quarters. I assure every guest, I've made personal test, Of my booze, and my bed, and my daughters. 46816 OLD TEST - NOAH Anon G0115 Said Noah, "This long heavy shower Has messed up my reckoning power. According to me, We're on the Black Sea - Yet we've just passed the Post Office Tower." 46817 OLD TEST - NOAH P8207 Though the Bible's not apt to remark 'Bout the beasts on old Noah's ark. Confinement is wearing And tempers were flaring, But the bite was no worse than his Barque. 46818 OLD TEST - NOAH P8207 When the Ark was just over Genoa Mrs. Noah burst forth at poor Noah, "Who's this Joan of Arc? You are keeping her dark:" Oh No! I don't know her," said Noah. 46819 OLD TEST - NOAH P8207 The ark had reached Mount Ararat. The Bible says that after that, They rushed outside And multiplied As fast as you can say "begat." 46820 OLD TEST - NOAH Irving Superior P8207 On the ark there was soon a great jam, So Noah ate much veal and young lamb. But the taboos on pig, Made that meat infra dig, Though in secret Noah sometimes ate Ham. 46821 OLD TEST - NOAH While sailing his ark, Captain Noah Had an angry exchange with a boa. For excessive constricting Noah threatened evicting, But the boa pledged Noah "No mo'a!" 46822 OLD TEST - NOAH P8207 Ham saw his father's bare booty, So the Jews treated his kids like cooties; They slaughtered them here And murdered them there; Ol' Noah's butt must have been quite a beauty. 46823 OLD TEST - NOAH Robert Moore The Ark came when the world was ill-fated. Then the rains appeared strong, unabated. There it suddenly sat Atop Mt. Ararat, The only spot uninundated. 46824 OLD TEST - NOAH Loren Fitzhugh P0308 It was valiant Captain Noah who Turned his boat into a floating zoo. But when population grew, And he declared sex taboo, Two gnu withdrew; they'd rather screw. And the crew, it's true, bid Noah adieu. 46825 OLD TEST - NOAH Lynn Mostafa When Noah took the pairs to the Ark, Conditions on board were quite stark. When he sent out a dove Which brought signs from above, He knew he'd find somewhere to park. 46826 OLD TEST - NOAH Arthur Pattaffy Then Noah (his family, too) Assembled an unabridged zoo. "What a stench!" Noah cried, Hanging over the side. "Every one of them needs a shampoo." 46827 OLD TEST - NOAH Old Test Made Easy P0110 As God made his point, the rain stopped, And on to Mt Ararat dropped The Ark. All within it Cried, "Praise God! We've done it! And onto dry land they then popped. 46828 OLD TEST - NOAH Christopher Goodwins Where do you suppose God got the notion Before launching the Ark into motion; Lobsters, Whales, Jellyfish, With free will or free wish, Would climb into that craft from the ocean? 46829 OLD TEST - NOAH Loren Fitzhugh P0011 "I've wondered," confessed Mr Klein, "When it came time out there on the brine To tie up the Ark, So that they could debark, Who was it who caught Noah's line?" 46830 OLD TEST - NOAH Attic Salt P0001 There once was a girl, Salome, Who danced in King Herod's cafe. At her job she worked hard But with no union card, All she earned was a head on a tray. 46831 OLD TEST - SALOME Warrick Elrod Though a biblical strip-teasing tart, Salome was a girl with great heart. The truth is that instead, Of John the Baptist's head, She had asked a more pertinent part. 46832 OLD TEST - SALOME G1976 King Herod, at rest from his duty, Through the casement, he spied him a beauty. "I'd pay any fee If she'd strip off for me. Go courtiers and fetch me that cutie." 46833 OLD TEST - SALOME Tiddy Ogg So one, two, three courtiers went forth, Collected that gal from the north. Not Eskimo Nell, Whose tale you know well, Nor Lucy who sat on the wharf. 46834 OLD TEST - SALOME Tiddy Ogg 'Twas this young Salome they sought, And fetched her in to the court. There she took off veils, seven, And the king was in heaven, 'Cause her garment count then was just nought. 46835 OLD TEST - SALOME Tiddy Ogg "Gee, honey," he said, "That was nice." And then he jacked off in a trice. (Why the silly old fool Didn't use his stiff tool On the girl, I don't know.) "What's your price?" 46836 OLD TEST - SALOME Tiddy Ogg Salome'd a baptising friend, Whose muff-diving pleased her no end. Without thinking she said: "I'd love John Baptist's head In my lap, then to heights I'd ascend." 46837 OLD TEST - SALOME Tiddy Ogg Now the rest of the story's well known; How that dumb-ass that sat on the throne, Gave Salome her head, But the poor sap was dead, And never again was she blown. 46838 OLD TEST - SALOME Tiddy Ogg All the Baptist could see, when she wed (Saw Herodias' daughter), was red; So with veiled sinuosity She entailed reciprocity, Making Herod, then John, lose his head. 46839 OLD TEST - SALOME Thomas A. Quinine P8409 Salome had the grace of a swan As she danced without a stitch on. She raised many eyebrows Amongst biblical highbrows -- Like Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. 46840 OLD TEST - SALOME Ed Wolfert P8407 Although making a prophet, she said, Had been Salome's purpose, instead, Since supply and demand Were not what she'd planned, She settled for getting a head. 46841 OLD TEST - SALOME A. N. Wilkins P8903 Salome danced and Herod pale. Then lust in Herod did prevail. "Take it off," he cried. John the Baptist died. Salome dropped her Seventh Veil. 46842 OLD TEST - SALOME Irving Superior P8308 Of Salome, Herod once said, "I know that her dancing's a dread. Though I make her rehearse, She just keeps getting worse, But none of the others gives head. 46843 OLD TEST - SALOME Pierce Evans A clergyman read from his text, How Samson was scissored and vexed. Then a barber arose, From his sweet summer doze, Got rattled and shouted, "Who's next?" 46844 OLD TEST - SAMSON The stories of Samson are ample To tell of his strength -- here's a sample: He knocked out Phillistines By out-boxing the fiends, With a crushing blow to the temple. 46845 OLD TEST - SAMSON Guy Ben-Moshe Said Delilah to Samson, "Your hair Is too long and unfashionable, I fear. I will give you a trial For a much shorter style." It brought down the house, so I hear! 46846 OLD TEST - SAMSON Anon An eagle whose wings had been clipped Was Delilah's. Oh boy, how she flipped. "If the culprit I find, I will punish in kind!" As you know, Samson's locks were all snipped. 46847 OLD TEST - SAMSON Because of my cock's strength and build, Miss Prim, who directs our town's guild Of actors, is willing To give me top billing In "Samson: Delilah fulfilled." 46848 OLD TEST - SAMSON Travis Brasell Oy, vat a headache you gimmee, Beating to death poor old dim me; Whether Samson or not, What Delilah got Was non-shrinking shank of Shimmee! 46849 OLD TEST - SAMSON Chris Papa That was until she cut his hair And brought poor old Samson despair. With shank but a shrimp, Decidedly limp, The shicksa gave Samson the air. 46850 OLD TEST - SAMSON Chris Papa Said Delilah to Samson, "Your hair Turned me on, when it used to be there. Now to realize my fears, A dick with two ears, Takes its pace on your shoulders so fair! 46851 OLD TEST - SAMSON Oddo Von Schlong TP9901 Said Delilah to Samson, "Your hair Hides such an incredible pair. I'll clip a few snips, So my eager lips Can travel wherever they dare!" 46852 OLD TEST - SAMSON "There goes that lunatic, Sampson, The fellow just can't keep his pants on. Delilah his sweetie's Cutting back on his Wheaties -- And a haircut before they go dancin'." 46853 OLD TEST - SAMSON Arthur Deex P0101 Now about Sampson, nee Myron Clouse, Long haired hippie and bit of a souse. With Delilah, in fact, They put on a wild act, But his encore's what brought down the house. 46854 OLD TEST - SAMSON Loren Fitzhugh P0312 Said Delilah: "It just isn't fair, That the blame for his death I should share. I did fall for Samson; I found him quite handsome; I just don't like men with long hair." 46855 OLD TEST - SAMSON Richard Long Before haircut Samson slew Philistines. In a country far away, like the Phillipines. After his hair was shorn, Or was it just torn, His strength was not worth a hill of beans. 46856 OLD TEST - SAMSON Norm Brust Delilah is truly quite fair With rose hidden where there's no glare. To pick from her garden Will bring you no pardon, Sam's son said he also lost hair! 46857 OLD TEST - SAMSON Samson's short haircut wasn't, you'll find, Nor any such thing of that kind. Which after some length, Cause him to lose his strength, And eventually made him go blind. 46858 OLD TEST - SAMSON Loren Fitzhugh P0304 "Just tie me up tight by my hair," Said Samson. Is that very fair? Delilah stood back When the rope snapped. Bang! Crack! You'll not find my weakness, so there! 46859 OLD TEST - SAMSON Christopher Goodwins Said Samson to Delilah, "Your face Is an ugly outrageous disgrace. And I really don't care What you think of my hair, 'Cause with me, you can't get to first base. 46860 OLD TEST - SAMSON Observer Said Delilah to Samson, "Your hair Causes me great concern and despair. It's long and has curls, Looks much like a girl's, And hangs down to your pink underwear!" 46861 OLD TEST - SAMSON Observer Said Samson, "This is a huge plinth, Not only the width, but the length. With help from above, I push and I shove, But it won't budge an inch nor a tenth. 46862 OLD TEST - SAMSON Observer "I'll push on the pillars instead, The building will fall on my head. I'll smash Philisteens All to smithereens, Alas, we shall all then be dead!" 46863 OLD TEST - SAMSON Observer Your tale of that old story rare, Shows Samson without any care Of his life or limb. Who'd regained his vim, By simply regrowing his hair. 46864 OLD TEST - SAMSON Chris Papa He'd lost it to that movie star, The beauty called Hedy LaMarr. But time marches on, And even she's gone, To much greener pastures, afar. 46865 OLD TEST - SAMSON Chris Papa The people laugh at Sampson's plight; At Sampson's God; his loss of sight. Then Lo! his strength came back Then high, a ceiling crack, And they who laughed soon saw the light. 46866 OLD TEST - SAMSON Irving Superior P8207 Sampson is considered aloof And somewhat difficult. In truth Though cast as tragedian-- He had, as comedian-- An act that could bring down the roof. 46867 OLD TEST - SAMSON Aaron Bell P9412 Said Delilah to Samson, "Your hair Would look better if it was not there. If you don't shave your head, I won't take you to bed. And sex with me is beyond compare." 46868 OLD TEST - SAMSON Delilah to Samson, "Your hair I find is too shaggy to bear!" Samson said, "But my wig Makes my muscles grow big." As he pinched her on her derriere! 46869 OLD TEST - SAMSON Connalt A fellow named Samson once bawled, "Last night I was sure I'd get balled-- But Delilah likes locks Instead of men's cocks-- So this morning I'm totally bald!" 46870 OLD TEST - SAMSON Norm Storer P9112 He plucked a jawbone from the grass And smote each Philistine who'd pass... From that Jawbone Day You still hear people say, That was the greatest piece of ass. 46871 OLD TEST - SAMSON Irving Superior P9309 Sampson, now deprived of sight, The pillars pushed with all his might. And Lo! Walls shake! And High! Ceilings break! And all but Sampson saw the light. 46872 OLD TEST - SAMSON Irving Superior P9309 Said Delilah to Samson, "Your hair Is long and thick, and so fair! So why is your weinie So thin and so teenie? You're hung like a horse - but a mare!" 46873 OLD TEST - SAMSON Said Delilah to Samson, "Your hair Scratches my tongue when I go down there." So she gave him a clip But the scissors did slip; Power lost for the advent of Nair. 46874 OLD TEST - SAMSON The moral of Sampson remains; There is much that brute strength attains. He gives it away For only a lay, Because brawn's not much good without brains. 46875 OLD TEST - SAMSON A. N. Wilkins P9309 "It's known that they like to eat grasses, With Philistines slain by the masses, When using a bone Of the type that is grown In their jaws," cited Samson, Onassis. 46876 OLD TEST - SAMSON Sampson, the strong man, was fickle -- Lots of girls got to play with his pickle. One said, "Sam, you're strong But your not very long. That's not a fuck, that's a tickle!" 46877 OLD TEST - SAMSON Neal Wilgus P8207 Said Delilah to Samson, "Your hair Is so soft and so blonde way down there..." She grabbed hold of a lock That surrounded his cock, And then shaved him until he was bare! 46878 OLD TEST - SAMSON They said Samson was strong as an ox, But his strength was locked in his locks. When they cut his hair, His might vanished in air; He was weak from his head to his hocks. 46879 OLD TEST - SAMSON Thomas A Ratliff P0305 Said Delilah to Samson, "Your hair Is causing the natives to stare. Allow me to clip -- I'll just take a snip -- And you'll be a new man, I swear." 46880 OLD TEST - SAMSON Finnegan When Delilah shaved Sampson's thick locks, He could no longer squeeze water from rocks, His libido was screwed, He was one fucked up dude; A warning to all arrogant jocks. 46881 OLD TEST - SAMSON Said Delilah to Samson, "Your hair Has grown pretty bushy down there. It's really quite thick; I can't see your dick. Are you sure that you still have a pair? 46882 OLD TEST - SAMSON Delilah's afflicting my mind. Delectably lowered behind, My lips seeking rose, She chugs on my nose. Sam's son said it made him go blind! 46883 OLD TEST - SAMSON Said a Palestine pilgrim named Wadham, "For religion I don't give a god damn! I've frequently peed in The Garden of Eden, And buggered my guide when in Sodom." 46884 OLD TEST - SODOM L0569 In Sodom-Gomorrah they wore a Big grin on their faces and swore a Front was a back. When they went to the sack, They would screw 'til their backsides were sore-a. 46885 OLD TEST - SODOM Silvia S Crockett P0104 A biblical worthy named Lot, Lived out where the action was hot. Those guys out in Sodom? Other guys had all rode 'em, Till God noticed and said, "Thou shalt not." 46886 OLD TEST - SODOM Isaac Asimov Said Lot, "I've escaped from Gomorrah, That city of sin, shame, and horrah. It wasn't my fault My wife turned into salt, So I'll marry my daughter tomorra." 46887 OLD TEST - SODOM Lot was a worthless old pest - Drunken, passed out, half undressed. He done with his daughter What he shouldn't have oughter, Inventing what we call 'incest'. 46888 OLD TEST - SODOM Arthur Deex P8207 The wife of Lot, "We'd better halt. I know you'll say it's all my fault, But I've a hunch When I packed lunch, That I forgot to bring the salt." 46889 OLD TEST - SODOM Irving Superior P8207 The greatest of all of the NOTs, The Lord gave to that wife of Lot's. But it never took, She just had to look! When you're salt, it sure cures the hots. 46890 OLD TEST - SODOM Larry Davis P8604 An Israeli lady named Liora, Was known as the world's loudest snorer. The nightly sensation Sets up a vibration, That sounded like Sodom and Gomorrha! 46891 OLD TEST - SODOM Arthur Pattaffy Vile Sodom and tainted Gomorrah Perished in fiery horrah. For re-viewing their odium, Mrs. Lot turned to sodium -- It could happen again, here tomorrah. 46892 OLD TEST - SODOM Biblical Limericks P0105 Vile Sodom and tainted Gomorrab Perished in fiery horrah. Ms Lot in mid-stride Became NaCl; It could happen again, here tomorrah. 46893 OLD TEST - SODOM Arthur Deex P0105 Vile Sodom and tainted Gomorrah Perished in fiery horrah. Ms Lot morphed (her own fault) Into plain table salt. It could happen again, here tomorrah. 46894 OLD TEST - SODOM Arthur Deex P0105 In Sodom, great feasts knew no halting, And Lot was the guest they all called in. Said each host, "We love you, But your wife must come, too. The stew is too flat and needs salting." 46895 OLD TEST - SODOM Don't pity the wife of Old Lot, Who was frozen to salt on the spot; 'Cause she sure got a kick When the the cows came to lick At her highly salacious old twat. 46896 OLD TEST - SODOM Anon Our town has a spinster named Cora. With no one in town to adore her -- No lovers, no beaus -- When she dreams, she goes To Sodom or else to Gomorrah. 46897 OLD TEST - SODOM Irving Superior P8405 In ancient Sodom there would be Such orgies and perversity That even nowadays One hears often the phrase, "And then he tried to Sodom me!" 46898 OLD TEST - SODOM Irving Superior P8207 Though some deities may have been clods, King Solomon played all the odds. Though he liked Jahweh best, He worshipped the rest So as not to offend any gods. 46899 OLD TEST - ZBOOKS A. N. Wilkins P9303 King David lay gasping for air, So they brought him a young virgin fair. She tried warming his schwantz But there was no response; King Dave was too far gone to care. 46900 OLD TEST - ZBOOKS Phil Cannibal P9103 As King David lay sick in a cave, A young virgin was called who was brave. She tried warming his thing, Thus to succor the king, But she failed even unto the grave. 46901 OLD TEST - ZBOOKS Albin Chaplin P9103 So now, Belteshazzar was Dan, And Az was Abidnego, man! And Han was called Shadrach While Mishael was Meshach, All part of old King Nebby's plan 46902 OLD TEST - ZBOOKS Christopher Goodwins Neb wanted some bright young men who Were skillful in knowledge. You'll do Azarmah and Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael -- Nebby gave them new names as you do! 46903 OLD TEST - ZBOOKS Christopher Goodwins Job came out in boils everywhere; A thing that might make a man swear. But sitting in ashes, Job scraped at his rashes, And spent a week pulling his hair. 46904 OLD TEST - ZBOOKS Christopher Goodwins On reading the old book of Judith, A person cannot but concludeth That the ways of our God Are exceedingly odd: A truth that this story exudeth. 46905 OLD TEST - ZBOOKS Armand E Singer 522 The Lord is my shepherd. He leads me Beside the still waters, he feeds me. I walk without fear. Rod and staff show He's near! The feast at his table, soon will be. 46906 OLD TEST - ZBOOKS Christopher Goodwins Comfort my people and speak Says God, and please tell them this week, Their warfare is over, From sins now recover. It's true, both for strong and for weak. 46907 OLD TEST - ZBOOKS Christopher Goodwins God's holiness, greatness, and power We praise, with loud music, each hour! Harp, trumpet, and lute, Cymbals, dancers, and flute! All who breathe -- praise God, our. 46908 OLD TEST - ZBOOKS Christopher Goodwins When Pan, full of classical bonhommie, Met a maiden, she cried, "Don't get onna me! And the goats I keep, too, I forbid you to screw; I have just read a book -- Deuteronomy!" 46909 OLD TEST - ZBOOKS G1205 When the rapist attacked old Miss Rand She got a firm grip on his gland. Said the Lord, breaking wind, "I'm afraid you have sinned. For this I shall cut off your hand." 46910 OLD TEST - ZBOOKS Phil Cannibal P9105 To Samaria the Lord one day slipped. Heads of men with his sword there he clipped, And the children were dashed Into pieces and mashed, And those women with child were all ripped. 46911 OLD TEST - ZBOOKS Albin Chaplin P9106 Jeremiah the Prophet got stuck Laminating parchments with muck. With his beard full of glue, He felt terribly blue -- Quit depressed all the time, the poor schmuck. 46912 OLD TEST - ZBOOKS Jim Weaver Collection "Jerry, boy," spake the Lord with a gleam, "Hide your jockstrap unclean by the stream." Jerry did and did say, "Why it's rotted away!" Spake the Lord with a smile, "So it seem!" 46913 OLD TEST - ZBOOKS Phil Cannibal P9103 Per instructions, the frau of Herr Schwartz In the garbage did bury her shorts. Then she said to him, "Herr, They are unfit to wear." He said, "That's what you get for your sports!" 46914 OLD TEST - ZBOOKS Phil Cannibal P9103 The Lord in His wisdom so smart Says my foreskin and I should both part, But I question His sanity When He asks me with vanity For the foreskin I have in my heart. 46915 OLD TEST - ZBOOKS Phil Cannibal P9104 Eglon of Moab, quite fat, In his penthouse privy sat. Southpaw Ehud Skewered him good. The Israelites laughed at that. 46916 OLD TEST - ZBOOKS Jim Jambor P9106 As the sexual lore, mostly tribal, Became the Law, sacred and scribal, The only sex manual From King David to Daniel Was Leviticus in the old Bible. 46917 OLD TEST - ZBOOKS A. N. Wilkins P9108 The Lord treats me just like a sheep, My wants are all filled in a leap. I must lie in the grass By a lake clear as glass And my soul is made no longer cheap. 46918 OLD TEST - ZBOOKS Arthur Deex P8604 To Naomi, Ruth, "Withered thou growest. And being thou old, whether thou knowest Or not, thou might stray And not find thy way, So therefore I say, "Whither thou goest...'" 46919 OLD TEST - ZBOOKS Irving Superior P9004 God utters the words of creation, Abraham fathers a nation. Old Testament gloom; Jesus raised from his tomb; Acts, Letters, and then Revelation. 46920 OLD TEST - ZBOOKS Richard Long