Mikal the Ram: "The Tale Of Two Perfect Geese"
The Tale Of Two Perfect Geese
Notes from Mikal:
This bawdy tale is an Arabic invention of such quality that it only takes a
bit of
creativity to imagine it in any time period. I found it in a book in the
juvenile section
of my local library. Kids books must be a lot more fun than I remember.
This version is taken from a much older work, and has gone through several
rewrites.
The punch line is mine for the most part. The original ended in a witty, but
very dated
poetic verse.
This is the most requested of my stories.
KNOW OH NOBLES THAT at one time there were two most perfect geese. And all
day long
these two geese would wander about a certain house and cry to Allah, "Thanks
to you,
oh Allah, for making us the two most perfect geese."
In that house there dwelt a certain merchant who was both blessed and
cursed. He was
blessed by living to a ripe old age, but cursed by having a young wife.
This was not always a curse. For the first year she was contented to be his
wife. The
second year the money that he had was enough of a pleasure for her to stay
with him. But
by the third year she began to yearn for the pleasures that a younger man
could bring.
That year she began to take to her a young lover.
He was poor but comely, and she was greatly pleased with him.
In the morning, the old merchant would kiss his young wife goodbye, and go
to the
haman, or public bath house, and she would welcome her lover from the bushes
where he hid.
In the evening She would kiss her young lover goodbye, and bid him hide
while she kissed
her husband welcome home from his day of work. And so her days were spent,
with the heat
of youth in the heat of the day, and the cool of age in the cool of the
night.
One day she said to her lover, "I am so pleased with you, I would give you
anything you wanted." The young man thought about this and replied, "I would
like to have one of those geese that wander about this house. I would love
to have a good
goose dinner!"
"You shall have it," she replied,. "In fact I shall cook both geese and
you shall have them all, and my husband will not have even one drop of the
gravy!"
That evening she kissed her young lover goodbye, and soon after welcomed her
husband
home. She laid out the dinner cloth, and then sat weeping into her veil most
piteously.
"Why are you crying?" asked her husband. "You must think I am the ugliest
woman alive. I must be vile in your sight. For you have never brought guests
into our
home." She sobbed harder than before.
Her husband tried to calm her. "It is not true. I will bring three guests
home
tomorrow."
But this made her cry all the more. "You must think I am the worst cook in
all the
world! My food must be as poison to you! You have never brought anyone home
to eat with
us!"
The husband got an idea. "I will bring three guests to dinner tomorrow, and
in the
morning I will buy you the finest meats to cook!"
"Oh," the wife cried, "do not waste the money. We have the two most
perfect geese wandering about the house. Kill them and give them to me to
cook."
So the next morning the merchant caught the geese and wrung their necks and
gave them
to his wife. Then she kissed him goodbye and he went to the haman.
She took the geese and cleaned them. Then she stuffed them most cunningly
with sweet
breads and figs and nuts, and wrapped them in grape leaves. Just as she put
them into the
oven, her young lover came, and she told him, "The geese must roast a while.
Perhaps
there is something we could do as we wait?" So as the two geese baked below,
the two
lovers baked above.
When the geese were cooked, she gave them both to him, kissed him goodbye,
and bid him
good eating. Then she laid out the dinner cloth and waited.
The old merchant came in with the first guest, and told her, "I must go and
meet
the other two guests at the end of the street. Please make this one at home
and I will
return shortly.
But as soon as he left, she began to weep into her veil again. The guest,
trying to be
polite, asked her what troubled her. "It is not for me I cry," she said,
"But for you. My husband does not trust me and fears I have a lover. He
wishes to get
a eunuch to guard me, but he is a tight-fisted miser, and will not buy one.
So he has
lured you to this house, and as soon as he returns with his friends, they
will take from
you those gifts that you inherited from your father!"
The guest was horrified. "What can I do?"
"I cannot see this happen to you," the young wife said, "I have an idea!
I will go to the kitchen, where there are rags, and make up a bundle of them
for you. When
you have them, run out into the alley and put them on. My husband will
search for you, but
find only a ragged beggar." So she took up the dinner cloth and made a great
show of
wrapping it about the rags.
When she was near done, and handed the bundle to the guest, her husband came
in the
door with two more guests. "Run!" she whispered to the first guest. "Run to
keep your manhood!"
As soon as the guest heard this he leaped through the window clutching the
bundle to
his chest. At that moment the wife ran to her husband shouting, "Thief!
Thief! That
guest you brought home has stolen both the geese, and we shall have nothing
for
dinner!"
At this the husband and both the other guests dove out the window as well
and began to
chase the first guest. When he saw they chased him he cried out and ran even
harder.
"Stop," they shouted at him. "Never!" he cried.
At last the husband became weary of running, and he called after him, "All
right,
we can deal! We don"t need to take both of them, you can keep one!"
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