The Night of the King's Castration

'Twas the night of the king's castration; the royal ball was coming off.  Counts, discounts, and no-counts stood around the courtyard, camel-dunging one another, for bullshit was as yet unheard-of.
Then in came Daniel, with his balls slung over his shoulder.  "What ho!" cried Daniel.
"Asshole," said the king.
"Then suck it!" roared Daniel, thereby scoring a point for the common people.
Now this made the king very angry, and he ordered Daniel to come forth.  But Daniel slipped on a lion turd and came [in] fifth.
This made Daniel so furious that he picked up the lion turd and threw it at random; but Random ducked and it hit the king.
Now, this made the king even more angry, and so he ordered Daniel to be thrown into the den of lions.  There was Daniel in the midst of all those roaring, snarling beasts.  But, of course, you could easily recognize Daniel by the large green parasol which he always carried.
Suddenly, one of the lions seized Daniel by the left gonad.  
"Ouch!" cried Daniel.  "It tickles."
"What tickles?" asked the king.
"Testicles!" roared Daniel, thereby scoring another point for the common people.  Upon hearing this, all the ladies in the courtyard took out their tits and tittered.
Now, this made the king exceedingly angry, and so he inquired, "Where's the queen?"
"M'lord, she is on the royal crapper."
"And is she well-supplied with paper?"
"M'lord, she has forty reams of the finest linen."
"It is good," said the king.  "And where is the princess?"
"Oh, she [is] upstairs in bed with laryngitis."
"I'll kill that fucking Greek!" cried the king.  "Oh, well, fuck the princess."
And fifty thousand loyal subjects were trampled in the rush, for in those days the king's word was law, and the king ruled with an iron hand.
This made the king exceedingly angry, and in exasperation he cried, "Oh, shit!"
And fifty thousand loyal subjects squatted and grunted in unison, for in those days the king's word was law, and the king ruled with an iron hand.
Later in the evening, the king entered the royal boudoir, and beheld the queen, lying in nature's attire.  "Roll over!" cried the king.
"I'll be fucked if I will!" said the queen.
"You'll be corn-hauled [sic] if you won't!" cried the the king.
Upon hearing this the queen shit a gold brick.  For in those days, a square asshole was a symbol of royalty.
When the king saw this he cried, "Balls!" not because he wanted to, but because he had two. 
And the queen replied, "Balls?  If I had two, I could be king!"

-- Collected by Dean Burson, at UCLA, in 1959 from an 					   unidentified fraternity brother