Seven Old Ladies

[ B ]



Chorus:
Oh dear, what can the matter be?

Seven old ladies locked in the lava'try,

They were there from Sunday to Saturd'y,

Nobody knew they were there.



They said they were going to have tea with the Vicar,

They went in together, they thought it was quicker,

But the lavat'ry door was a bit of a sticker,

And the Vicar had tea all alone.



The first was the wife of a deacon in Dover,

And thought she was known as a bit of a rover,

She liked it so much she thought she'd stay over,

And nobody knew she was there.



The next old lady was old Mrs Bickle,

She found herself in a desperate pickle,

Shut in a pay booth, she hadn't a nickel,

And nobody knew she was there.



The next was the Bishop of Chichester's daughter,

She went in to pass some superfluous water,

She pulled on the chain and the rising tide caught her,

And nobody knew she was there.



The next old lady was Abigail Humphrey,

Who settled inside to make herself comfy,

And then she found out she could not get her bum free,

And nobody knew she was there.



The next old lady was Pamela Mason,

She couldn't wait so she used the basin,

And that was the water I washed my face in,

I didn't know she was there.



The next old lady was Elizabeth Spender,

Who was doing all right till a vagrant suspender,

Got all twisted up in her feminine gender,

And nobody knew she was there.



The last was a lady named Jennifer Trim,

She only sat down on a personal whim,

But she somehow got pinched 'twixt the cup and the brim,

And nobody knew she was there.



But another old lady was Mrs McBligh,

Went in with a bottle of booze on the sly,

She jumped on the seat and fell in with a cry,

And nobody knew she was there.





This version of the ballad was sent by Charles Baumerich, self-described as "the
 unofficial
 Song Master of the Hash House Harriers, the international Drinking Club
 with a Running Problem". Like his friend and colleague Paul Woodford, Baumerich has compiled what he describes as "a fairly extensive collection of bawdy
 songs (400+) on the WWW at

 http://www.usa.net/~zippy/songtoc1.html

.  

[ C ]

Chorus: 
Oh dear, what can the matter be?
Seven old ladies locked in the lavat'ry,
They were there from Sunday to Saturd'y,
Nobody knew they were there.

They said they were going to have tea with the Vicar,
They went in together, they thought it was quicker,
But the lavat'ry door was a bit of a sticker,
And the Vicar had tea all alone.

The first was the wife of a deacon in Dover,
And though she was known as a bit of a rover,
She liked it so much she thought she'd stay over,
And nobody knew she was there.

The next old lady was old Mrs. Bickle,
She found herself in a desperate pickle,
Shut in a pay booth, she hadn't a nickel,
And nobody knew she was there.

The next was the Bishop of Chichester's daughter,
She went in to pass some superfluous water,
She pulled on the chain and the rising tide caught her,
And nobody knew she was there.

The next old lady was Abigail Humphrey,
Who settled inside to make herself comfy,
And then she found out she could not get her bum free,
And nobody knew she was there.

The next old lady was Elizabeth Spender,
Who was doing all right till a vagrant suspender,
Got all twisted up in her feminine gender,
And nobody knew she was there.

The last was a lady named Jennifer Trim,
She only sat down on a personal whim,
But she somehow got pinched 'twixt the cup and the brim,
And nobody knew she was there.

But another old lady was Mrs. McBligh,
Went in with a bottle of booze on the sly,
She jumped on the seat and fell in with a cry,
And nobody knew she was there.

As "Seven Old Ladies," this is number 159 in Paul Woodford's "Hash Hymns II" (Honolulu, Hawaii, 1994).  Woodford and Baumerich are friends and frequent correspondents, sharing texts for their song books.  This would explain the similarity of their versions perhaps.

[ D ]

This pastiche of verses was sent to the editor by electronic mail on March 26, 1997.  Inadvertantly the name of the correspondent has been lost, but those of his/her sources remain identified by first name.  As with all texts, it is sung to the melody of "Oh, Dear, What Can the Matter Be."


Stephen's:


The next one was old Mrs Humphrey
.
She was there so cosy and comfy
.
She was there cause she couldn't get her bum free
.
Nobody new she was there



The next one was old Mrs Trigger
.
She went there to escape from the Vicar
.
She was quick but the Vicar was quicker
.
Nobody knew she was there.



The first woman's name was Elizabeth Bender
.
She went there to fasten her left leg suspender.

She got it mixed up in the feminine gender
.
Oh, what a sordid affair

.

Bill's:


The second old lady was old Mrs Bridget
.
She'd three cups of tea and started to fidget
.
She went up the stairs just in order to ditch it,

And nobody klnew she was there.



Particia's:


Next in was the Bishop of Chichester's daughter
,
Who had to relieve herself of superfluous water
.
She was doing just fine until a high tide caught her
,
And nobody knew she was there.



The next to go in was fat Mrs. Humphrey
,
Plunked herself down and got real comfy.

Then got caught in the seat and could not get her bum free
,
And nobody knew she was there.



The fourth to go in was poor Mrs. Frickle
,
Who found herself caught in a terrible pickle
.
She needed to go but could not do a trickle
,
And nobody knew she was there.



"Praetorius":


The second one's name was Georgina Porter.

She was the Bishop of Chichester's daughter.

She only went in to pass overdue water,

And nobody knew she was there.



The Third one's name was Dorothy Humphrey
.
She only went in to make herself comfy
.
But then she found that she could not get her bum free.

And nobody knew she was there.