Five Nights Drunk The widow of cowboy song collector and singer Blaine Stubblefield, of Idaho, gave folklorist J. Barre Toelken a sheaf of the songs her husband had gathered in the 1920's and 1930's -- including some bawdy songs typed by Blaine Stubblefield's father. They included this version of "Five Nights Drunk" entitled "High Bob and Cotton John." [ E ] Oh, I went to the barn for to see what I could see, And there I found some gentlemen's horses, one, two, three. "You old fool, you blind fool! Can't you never see? Them there's some milk cows your mammy sent to me." High Bob, and Cotton John, Milk cows with reigns on, the like I never see. Every time I go from home, there's something new to me. Then I looked by the fireside to see what I could see, And there I saw some gentlemen's boots, one, two, three. "You old fool, you blind fool! Can't you never see? Them there's some candle molds your mamy sent to me." High Bob and Cotton John, Candle molds with spurs on, the like I never see. Every time I go from home, there's something new to me. Then I looked up on the wall for to see what I could see, And there hung some gentlemen's coats, one, two, three. "You old fool, you blind fool! Can't you never see? Them there's some coverlids your mammy sent to me. High Bob and Cotton John, Coverlids with buttons on, the like I never see. Every time I go from home, there's something new to me. Then I looked up on the joists for to see what I could see, And there hung some gentlemen's hats, one, two, three. "You old fool, you blind fool! Can't you never see? Them there's some cheeses your mammy sent to me." High Bob and Cotton John, Cheese with a brim on, the like I never see. Every time I go from home, there's something new to me. Then I looked up on the bd for to see what I could see, And there lay some gentlemen, one, two, three. "You old fool, you blind fool! Can't you never see? Them there's some milkmaids your mammy sent to me. High Bob and Cotton John, Milkmaids with whiskers on, the like I never see. Every time I go from home, there's something new to me. Toelken has another variant sung by Les Hartshorn that concludes: Many miles have I traveled, Ten thousands or more, But milkmaids with bollocks on I never saw before! [ F ] The other night I came home drunk as I could be, When I spied a horse in the stable where my horse oughta be. I said to my wife, my pretty little wife, "Explain this thing to me- What's this horse doin' here in the stable where my horse oughta be?" "You blind fool, you drunken old fool, can't you never see? That's nothin' but an old milk cow my granny gave to me." "I've traveled this wide world over Ten thousand miles or more, And a saddle on a milk cow Has never been seen before." The second night I came home drunk as I could be, When I spied a hat on the hatrack where my hat oughta be. I said to my wife, my pretty little wife, "Explain this thing to me- What's this hat doin' here on the hatrack where my hat oughta be?" "You blind fool, you drunken old fool, can't you never see? That's nothin' but an old chamberpot my granny gave to me." "I've traveled this wide world over ten thousand miles or more, And a J.B. Stetson chamberpot has never been seen before." The third night I came home drunk as I could be, When I spied some pants upon the chair where my pants oughta be. I said to my wife, my pretty little wife, "Explain this thing to me- What's these pants doin' here upon the chair where my pants oughta be?" "You blind fool, you drunken old fool, can't you never see? That's nothin' but an old dishrag my granny gave to me." "I've traveled this wide world over ten thousand miles or more, And zippers on a dishrag have never been seen before." The fourth night I came home drunk as I could be, When I spied a head on the pillow where my head oughta be. I said to my wife, my pretty little wife, "Explain this thing to me- What's this head doin' here on the pillow where my head oughta be?" "You blind fool, you drunken old fool, can't you never see? That's nothin' but an old cabbage head my granny gave to me." "I've traveled this wide world over ten thousand miles or more, And a mustache on a cabbage head has never been seen before." The fifth night I came home drunk as I could ... As forwarded by Lorrill Buyens, on July 2, 1996. Ms. Buyens wrote that she learned the ballad "from a folk record I found in my high school's library about 12 years ago, and the record title and singer are long-forgotten." [ G ] When I came home on Monday night, as drunk as drunk could be, I saw a horse outside the door, where my old horse should be. So I called my wife, (audience shouts: "HEY WIFE!") and I said to her, "Would you kindly tell to me, Who owns that horse outside my door, where my old horse should be?" "Oh, you're drunk, you drunk, you silly old fool; Can't you plainly see? That's a lovely sow that my mother sent to me." "Well, it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more But a saddle on a sow I've never seen before!" When I came home on Tuesday night, as drunk as a drunk could be, I saw a coat behind the door, where my coat should be. So I called to my wife, and I said to her, "Would you kindly tell to me, Who owns that coat behind the door, where my coat should be?" "Oh, you're drunk, you drunk, you silly old fool; Can't you plainly see? That's a lovely blanket that my mother sent to me." "Well, it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more But buttons on a blanket I've never seen before!" Wednesday night... a pipe upon the chair... lovely tin-whistle... But tobacco in a tin-whistle I've never seen before! Thursday night... two boots beneath the bed... two geranium-pots... But laces in geranium-pots I've never seen before! Friday night... a head upon the bed... a baby boy... But whiskers on a baby boy I've never seen before! Saturday night... a rise beneath the sheets... a shillelagh... But knackers on a shillelagh I've never seen before! (Or alternatively: Saturday night... a rise beneath the sheets... a hammer... "A hammer with a head like that I've never seen before!") When I came home on Sunday night as drunk as drunk could be, I saw a man walk out the door, a little after three! (Audience shouts: "A.M.!") So I called to my wife, and I said to her, "Would you kindly tell to me, Who was that man walk out the door a little after three?" (Audience shouts: "A.M.!") "Oh, you're drunk, you drunk, you silly old fool; Can't you plainly see? That's an English tax-man my mother sent to me." "Well, it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more But an Englishman that could last till three I've never seen before." As "Seven Nights Drunk," this is attributed to Seamus McCafferty in the collection "The Black Book of Locksley." For more about this Xeroxed anthology forwarded by Susan Johns in June, 1996, see the note under "The Sea Crabb," [ G ]. [ H ] 197. THE TRAVELER (Three Nights Drunk) Melody--Itself I came home on Saturday night, As drunk as I could be, And there was a hat upon the rack, Where my hat ought to be. So I said to my wife, the curse of my life, "Explain this thing to me, Whose is that hat on the rack, Where my hat ought to be?" "Oh, you're drunk, you fool, you silly old fool, You're drunk as a sot can be, That's not a hat upon the rack, But a chamberpot you see." "Well, I've traveled this wide world over, Ten thousand miles or more, But a jerry with a hatband on, I never saw before." I came home on Saturday night, As drunk as I could be, And there was a horse in the stable, Where my horse ought to be. So I said to my wife, the curse of my life, "Explain this thing to me, Whose is this horse in the stable, Where my horse ought to be?" "Oh, you're drunk, you fool, you silly old fool, You're drunk as a cunt can be, That's not a horse in the stable, But a milch cow you do see." "Well, I've traveled this wide world over, Ten thousand miles or more, But a milch cow with a saddle on, I never saw before." I came home on Saturday night, As drunk as I could be, And there was a head on the pillow, Where my head ought to be. So I said to my wife, the curse of my life, "Explain this thing to me. Whose is this head a-lying there, Where my head ought to be?" "Oh, you're drunk, you fool, you silly old fool, You're drunk as a souse can be, That's not a head on the pillow, But a football you do see." "Well, I've traveled this wide world over, Ten thousand miles or more, But a football with a mustache on, I never saw before." I came home on Saturday night, As drunk as I could be, And there was a cock inside my bed, Where my cock ought to be. So I said to my wife, the curse of my life, "Explain this thing to me. Whose is this cock a-standing there, Where my cock ought to be?" "Oh, you're drunk, you fool, you silly old fool, You're drunk as a cunt can be, That's not a cock a-standing there, But a carrot that you see." "Well, I've traveled this wide world over, Ten thousand miles or more, But a carrot with ballocks on, I never saw before." I came home on Saturday night, As drunk as I could be, And there was a stain on the counterpane, And it didn't come from me. So I said to my wife, the curse of my life, "Explain this thing to me. Whose is this stain on the counterpane, Which didn't come from me?" "Oh, you're drunk, you fool, you silly old fool, You're drunk as a cunt can be, That's not a stain on the counterpane, But some baby's milk you see." "Well, I've traveled this wide world over, Ten thousand miles or more, But baby's milk that smelled like come, I never saw before." I came home on Saturday night, As drunk as I could be, And there was a woman inside my bed, Where my dear wife should be. So I said to this woman, who wasn't bad-looking, "Explain this thing to me. Who are you, a-lying there, Where my dear wife should be?" "Oh, you're drunk, you fool, you silly old fool, You're drunk as a cunt can be. This ain't your house, I ain't your wife, You're not living at all with me." "Well I've traveled this wide world over, Ten thousand miles or more, It's the fifth time that I've stuffed this bird, She ain't never complained before." From Paul Woodford, "Hash Hymns II" (Honolulu, Hawaii, 1994). For more about this collection, see "The Codfish Song," version B, above. The theme of the cuckolded husband returning home to outwit his wife and her paramour occurs repeatedly and persistently in folklore. The folktales of old have metamorphosed into jokes, such as this, posted by S.M. King on September 14, 1997 in his "Bawdy.Net All Female Collage #196 .": "Ahuva sends: A husband went to work at 9 in the morning as usual. For some reason he had to be back home later during the day while running some errands. When he entered the house, he was surprised to see his wife in bed with a man whose head was between her breasts. The husband demanded, "What on earth are you doing?" The stranger stammered, "I'm listening to music!" The husband shoved the stranger aside and said, "Let me listen." He also between her breasts. He exclaimed suspiciously, "I can't hear any damn music." "Of course not," quipped the stranger, "You're not plugged in!" Hubert Canfield's collection gathered in early 1926 contained two partial texts, one of which identifies "Our Goodman" as "Rollicking John." Additional printed versions are in Sweet Bunch of Daisies, pp. 21-23.