Four Old Whores

This third version of "Four Old Whores," under the title of "The Whorey Crew," is from the Hubert Canfield collection.  It was gathered in the early months of 1926 from an unidentified correspondent who replied to a solicitation Canfield had placed in American Mercury, Nation, and The New Yorker.

[ C ]

There were five whores from New Orleans,
Sipping their beer and wine,
And the only conversation was
"Your woof's no bigger than mine."

"Listen to me," said the first whore,
"My woof's of the largest class.
A ship sailed up one evening
And never touched a mast."

Chorus:
"So tickle my tits, you bastards,
And smell of my slimy slue,
And kiss my arse, you dirty fucks,
I'm one of the whorey crew."

"You're a liar," said the second whore,
"My woof's as big as the moon,
A ship sailed up in November and
Never came down till June."

"You're a liar," said the third whore,
"For mine's the largest of all.
A fleet of steamers floated up,
And never came down at all."

"You're a liar," said the fourth whore,
"For mine's the biggest of all.
The splashing of my monthlies
Is like Niagara Falls."

"You're liars," said the fifth whore,
"My woof's as big as the air.
The sun and moon revolve about
And never singe a hair."

Laast chorus:
"So tickle my tits, you bastards,
And smell of my slimey slue,
R-r-r-r-r-ratttle your nuts against my guts,
I'm captain of the crew."

[ D ]

In a pencilled addenda overleaf, Canfield has written two additional stanzas:

"You're a liar," said the sixth whore.
"For mine's as big as a river.
The ducks swim in and the ducks swim out
And not one rumpled a feather."

"Oh, bullshit," yawned the third one.
"Mine's wide as the heaven's blue.
I've room of Halley's comet
Plus an asteroid or two."

[ E ]

As "Three Old Whores from Tottin'ham," this is sung at Southern California's Renaissance Pleasure Faires -- after hours, to be sure.

Oh, three old whores from Tottin'ham
Sat sipping their cherry wine,
When one whore says to the other one,
"None is bigger than mine."

Chorus:
Oh, pull up the sheets, me hardies,
Scrub the decks with brine.
Bend to the oars, you lousy whores,
For none is bigger than mine.

"You're a liar," says the first old whore, 
"Mine's as big as the sea.
The ships go in and the ships go out
And ne'er do bother me."

"You're a liar," says the second old whore,
"Mine's as big as the air.
The ships go in and the ships go out
And ne'er do tickle a hair."

"You're a liar," says the third old whore,
"Mine's as big as the moon.
The ships go in at the first of the year
And ne'er sail out until June."

"You're a liar," says the first again.
"I ['d] blush to be so small.
For many a fleet has sailed right in
And ne'er sailed out at all."

Furnished in 1994 by Pasadena, California, attorney Roger Gray, who makes annual appearances as a strolling minstrel at the Renaissance Pleasure Faire.

[ F ]

Three old whores from Baltimore
Were drinking sherry wine,
And one of them says to the other two,
"None is bigger than mine."

CHORUS: So haul on the sheets me hearties,
Sprinkle the decks with brine,
Bend to the oars, you lousy whores,
None is bigger than mine. 

"You're a liar," said the second old whore,
"Mine's as big as the sea.
The ships sail in and the ships sail out,
With nary a tickle to me."

"You're a liar," said the third old whore,
"I've had me a thousand men.
There's some go by and there's some go in,
And there's some what never come out again."

"You're both liars," said the first old whore,
"Mine's as big as the air.
Why the sun could set in the crack of my cunt,
And never burn a pubic hair."

As "None is Bigger than Mine," this is from Paul Woodford, "Hash Hymns II" (Honolulu, Hawaii, 1994).  Woodford indicates no melody.