The Finest Fucking Family in the Land


Oh, my sister Lily is a whore in Picadilly,
And my mother is another in the Strand.
My father flogs his arsehole 'round the Elephant and 					Castle,
We're the finest fucking family in the land.

There's a man deep in a dungeon with his hand upon his truncheon,
And the shadow of his prick upon the wall.
And the ladies as they pass stick their hatpins up his arse,
And the little mice play billiards with his balls.

There's a little green urinal to the north of Waterloo,
And another a little farther up.
There's a member of our school playing tunes upon his tool,
While the passers-by put pennies in his cup.

Have you met my Uncle Hector; he's a cock and ball inspector
At a celebrated public school.
And my brother sells French letters, and a patent cure for wetters,
We're not the best of families, ain't it cool.

As "My Sister Lily" this is Number 150 in Paul Woodford's large collection of air force and hash songs, "Hash Hymns II" (Honolulu, Hawaii, 1994).  It is sung to the melody of "Do Ye Ken John Peel."  The second stanza seems intrusive in this song of obvious British origins.

In the newly evolving form of Xeroxlore circulating on the World Wide Web, comes this mock letter to newspaper columnist "Dear Abby," forwarded by Jennifer Cray 
 on July 15, 1997:

Dear Abby
:    
     
I am writing to your advice-column because of a serious problem I
 am facing.  You see, I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U. S.
 Marines, and I have a cousin who works for Microsoft.  My mother
 peddles Nazi literature to Girl Scouts and my father (a former
 dentist) is in jail for 30 years for raping most of his patients
 while they were under anesthesia.  The sole supports of our large
 family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my
 uncle (master pick-pocket Benny "The Fingers") and my aunt and kid
 sisters, who are well-known streetwalkers.
    
 
My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most
 beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is just sweet sixteen,
 and we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform
 school. To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and
 start a fake Aztec souvenir factory staffed by child labor.  We
 look forward to bringing our kids into the family business.  But
 -- I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on
 hers, once she has a chance to meet them.
    
 
In your opinion, Abby, should I --  or shouldn't I -- let her
 know about my cousin who works for Microsoft?