.33
*

THE FARTING CONTEST
(Tune: Sweet Betsy From Pike)

I'll tell you a story that is sure to please
Of a great farting contest at Sutton-on-Pease
Where all the best arses paraded the field
To compete in a contest for various shields.
Some tighten their arses and fart up the scale
To compete for a cup, or a barrel of ale,
While others, whose arses are biggest and strongest,
Compete in the section for loudest and longest.

Now, this year's event had drawn quite a big crowd
And the betting was even on Mrs. McDowd
For it had appeared, in the evening edition,
That this lady's arse was in perfect condition.
Miss Bingle arrived amid roars of applause
And promptly proceeded to pull off her drawers
For, though she'd no chance in the farting display
She'd the prettiest bottom you'd see in a day!

Now, young Mrs. Porter was backed fi)r a place
though she'd often been placed in the deepest disgrace by dropping a fart on a Sunday in church
And disturbing the sermon of Reverend McGurk!
The ladies lined up, at the sigual to start,
And, winning the toss, Mrs. Jones to first fart;
The people around stood in silence and wonder,
While her wireless transmitted gale ft)rce and thunder!

Now, Mrs. McDowd reckoned nothing of this
For she'd had some weak tea, and was all wind arid piss;
So she took up her place, and her arse opened wide,
But, unluckily, shit, and was disqualified!
Then young Mrs. Porter was called to the front
And started by doing a wonderful stunt:
She took a deep breath, and, clenching her hands,
She blew the damnned roof off the popular stands!

This left young Miss Bingle, who shyly appeared,
And smiled at the clergy, who lustily cheered!
And though it was thought that her chances were small,
She ran out a winner, out-farting them all!
She went to the rostrum with diguified gait,
And took from the Vicar a set of gold plate,
Then she turned to the clergy, with sweetness sublime,
And, smiling, said "Come up and see mc sometime!"

The clergy was shocked by Miss Bingle's remark,
Though some felt a stirring 'neath vestment and sark,
Perhaps t'was the wind - but who could have guessed?
And that was the end of the farting contest!

		-- As collected by Joe Bethancourt and posted in "The Black Book of Locksley"