Bollochy Bill the Sailor Variants of this familiar folk song identifying the protagonist as Abel, Abram or Ephraim are not often encountered, as in this from the Hubert Canfield 1926 collection: [ B ] "Who's that knocking at the door?" Asked the fair ladee [sic]. "Who's that knocking at the door?" "It's Ephrim [sic] Brown, the sailor." "I'm undressed and in my bed," Said the fair ladee. "I'm undressed and in my bed," Said the fair ladee. "Two can sleep as well as one," Said Ephrim Brown, the sailor. "Then lift the latch and come right in," Said the fair ladee. "What's that hairy thing I see?" Asked Ephrim Brown, the sailor. "That's my fairy pincushion," Said the fair ladee. "I have a pin that will just fit in," Said Ephrim Brown, the sailor. "I have a pin that will just fit in," Said Ephrim Brown, the sailor. "Oh, what if I should have a child?" Asked the fair ladee. "I'd wring the son of a bitch's neck," Said Ephrim Brown, the sailor. "What if there should an inquest be?" Asked the fair ladee. "Twould be a damn bad thing for you!" Said Ephrim Brown the sailor. "Now stow your gab and spread your leg," Said Ephrim Brown the sailor. "While I slip in my Long John peg," Said Ephrim Brown the sailor. [ C ] Susan Johns of Austin, Texas, forwarded this by e-mail on June 22, 1996, explaining it was sung (presumably after hours) at Renaissance Fair encampments. Her "Barnacle Bill the Sailor" is sung by groups of men and women alternating the verses. Despite that, the ballad retains its perverse hostility to women. Women: "Who's that knocking at my door? Who's that knocking at my door? Who's that knocking at my door?" Said the fine young maiden Men: "Open the door you fucking whore," Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor. "Open the door you fucking whore," Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor. Women: "Will you take me to the dance? Will you take me to the dance? Will you take me to the dance?" Said the fine young maiden. Men: "Screw the dance and drop your pants," Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor. "Screw the dance and drop your pants," Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor. Women: "What if my parents should come home? "What if my parents should come home? "What if my parents should come home?" Said the fine young maiden. Men: "I'll kill your Pa and fuck your Ma," Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor. "I'll kill your Pa and fuck your Ma," Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor. Women: "What if we should have a girl? "What if we should have a girl? "What if we should have a girl?" Said the fine young maiden. Men: "I'll dig a ditch and bury the bitch," Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor. "I'll dig a ditch and bury the bitch," Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor. Women: "What if we should have a boy? "What if we should have a boy? "What if we should have a boy?" Said the fine young maiden. Men: "I'll take him to sea, so he can fuck like me," Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor. "I'll take him to sea, so he can fuck like me," Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor. [ D ] As "Barnacle Bill the Sailor," this is entered on pages 26 and 27 of the "Black Book of Locksley," a collection of bawdy songs gathered by Joseph Bethancourt of Tucson, Arizona, as sung in Society for Creative Anachronism, Renaissance Fair, and filking circles. The third verse is intrusive, a borrowing from the sea chantey "Whiskey Johnny." "Who's that knocking at my door?" "Who's that knocking at my door?" "Who's that knocking at my door?" Said the fair young maiden. "It's only me from over the sea," Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor. "So open the door you fucking whore," Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor. "I drink my whiskey when I can, For whiskey is the life of man. I drink it from an old tin can," Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor. "I'll come down and let you in, "I'll come down and let you in, "I'll come down and let you in," Said the fair young maiden. "So hurry before I bust in the door," Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor. "I just got laid and I want some more," Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor. "I'm newly come upon the shore," Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor. "I'm newly come upon the shore," Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor. "And this is what I'm looking for," Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor. A jade, a maid, or even a whore," Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor. "Will you take me to the dance? Will you take me to the dance? Will you take me to the dance?" Said the fair young maiden. "Screw the dance and drop your pants," Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor. "I'll fuck you when I have the chance," Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor. "I'll fuck you once, I'll bugger you twice, Then try a different kind of vice It may be fun, but it isn't nice," Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor. "What if my parents should come home? What if my parents should come home? What if my parents should come home?" Said the fair young maiden. "I'll kill your pa and fuck your ma," Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor. "And then I'll give a loud huzzah," Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor. "So get into bed or it's on the floor." 'Cause whattya think I came here for? You're just another stinking whore," Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor. "Oh, your whiskers scrape my cheeks, Oh, your whiskers scrape my cheeks, Oh, your whiskers scrape my cheeks," Said the fair young maiden. "I'm dirty and lousy and full of fleas," Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor. "I'll stick my mast in whom I please," Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor. "My flowing whiskers give me class. The sea horses ate them instead of grass. If they hurt your cheeks, they'll tickle your ass," Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor. "What if we should have a girl? What if we should have a girl? What if we should have a girl?" Said the fair young maiden. "I'll dig a ditch and bury the bitch," Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor. "For I come here to scratch my itch," Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor. "I fuck 'em warm, I fuck 'em cold, I fuck 'em young, I fuck 'em old, I don't care if they're shy or bold," Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor. "What if we should have a boy? What if we should have a boy? What if we should have a boy?" Said the fair young maiden. "I'll take him to sea, and he'll fuck like me," Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor. "He'll wind up on the gallows-tree," Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor. "So tuck your ankles behind your ears, Shut up your mouth and dry your tears. I'm a leering, jeering privateer," Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor. "Oh, when will we be wed? Oh, when will we be wed? Oh, when will we be wed?" Said the fair young maiden. "You foolish girl, it's nothing but sport," Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor. "I've got me a wife in every port," Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor. "Off I go on another tack, To give some other fair maid a whack, But keep it oiled till I come back," Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.