YOUNG FOLKS, OLD FOLKS -Traditional CHORUS: Young folks, old folks, everybody come Come k) the Sunday School and have a lot of fun Bring a stick of chewing gum and park it at the door (Please check your chewing gum and razors at the door) And we'll teH you Bible stories like you never heard befi)re! God made the world in six days and rested on the seventh According to the contract, it should have been the eleventh But the carpenters were out on strike, the masons wouldn't work So the foremen dug a hole and they filled it up with dirt When they finished with the firmament they started on the sky They hung it overhead and they lefi it there to dry They studded it with stars made of pretty angel's eyes To give us a little light when the moon forgot to rise God made Satan, Satan made sin God made a hot place to put Satan in Satan didn't like it so he said he wouldn't stay He's been acting like the devil ever since that very day! Adam was the first man that ever was invented Along came Eve, and then he was contented Then came the Serpent, knocking at the door Eve et the apple, and Adam et the core! Adam was a gardener and Eve, she was his spouse They got the sack for stealing fruit and went to keeping house They lived a very quiet life, and peaceful in the main Until they had a baby and they started raising Cain! Adam was the first man, we all do believe He had a wife and her name was Eve She was fair to look upon, and oh how she could dance And her dress was made of shredded wheat, and so were Adam's pants Adam had two sons who didn't quite agree The psychiatrists they conferred and said" 'Twas sibling rivalry!" One day young Cain got angry, and somehow lost his head Took out his Colt revolver and filled Abel full of lead! Noah was a mariner and sailed around the sea With half a dozen wives and a whole menagerie He tried his hand a fishing so the Bible tale confirms But he didn't have much luck 'cause he only had two worms! Methuselah was crabby 'cause he couldn't take ajoke He had all the makings of an old and seedy bloke His whiskers got so long that he couldn't see ahead If he'd tucked in all the covers he could have used them for his bed! Methuselah got famous, for he refused to die "When ya gonna croak?" they asked, he answered, "Bye and bye!" And when they pressed him for the date, Methuzy whispered "Hush!" Then laughing thru his whiskers, he hollered "What's the rush?" .89 Esau was a cowboy, a wild and wooly rake Half the ranch belonged to him, and half to brother Jake Now Esau thought the title to the property weren't clear So he sold out to his brother for a sandwich and a beer Onan, son of Judah, was a melancholy kid; He'd jerk and jerk and jerk and jerk, and that was all he did. But the Lord got angry, when Onan shunned his mate So awfully hipped on self-abuse, he wouldn't fornicate! Joseph was a shepherd and he kept his father's goats His Daddy used to dress him in the very loudest coats His brothers they got jealous and they threw him in a well Joseph went to Heaven and the others went to Joseph was a pretty boy, a very handsome kid His boss' wife she eyed him, and straight'way flipped her lid She grabbed him by his you-know-what, and sat him on her lap But Joey wouldn't fall for that - he knew she had the clap! Moses was a prophet, they found him by a brook He was found by Pharaoh's daughter when she went in for a look She took him home to Father, said she found him by the shore Pharaoh merely smiled and said "I've heard that one before!" Moses was a wise old bird who knew some fancy tricks The 'gyppos tried some phoney stuff with magic walking sticks Old Pharoah he pursued him, and the Israelites did flee But Moses hexed the army, and drowned 'em in the sea! Moses was the leader of the Israelitic flock, He used to get spa water just by tapping on a rock. But then, fi-om the multitude there came a mighty cheer, For instead of getting water, he got Foster's Lager beer! Joshua was ajazz cat - the greatest ever born The wall of Jericho fell down when he blew on his horn Pursuing all his enemies, he made the sun stand still The sun it wouldn't listen, so he nailed it to a hill! Here comes Ruth just looking all around Just like the girls in my home town Didn't wear any lipstick, or powder on her nose But she got a fella, as everybody knows! Meshach, Shadrach and Abednego Told the King of Babylon where he could go He put them in the furnace, and gave the door a slam But they wore asbestos BVD's and didn't give a....hoot Daniel was a stubborn man who wouldn't mind the King The King said he'd nver heard of such a naughty thing! Put Daniel in the lion's den, with Daniel underneath But Daniel was a dentist, and he pulled the lion's teeth! Salome was a dancer and she danced befi)re the King She wiggled and she wobbled and she shook most everything "But" said the King, "We must have no scandal here!" "The hell we won't!" Salome said, and kicked the chandelier! .90 Samson was a guy from the P.T. Barnum school He used to lifi five hundred pounds as stronginan in the show 'Til a lady named Delilah got him all fixed up with gin They caught him bald-headed and the coppers ran him in! But Samson wasn't satisfied, the pace got in his hair He mooned around when the act was on and set himself a chair He'd slain ten thousand Philistines with the jawbone of a mouse But that weight-lifi act of Samson's brought down the house! Solomon was a wise man, he had a lot of cash Queen of Sheba came along, and Solly made a mash I guess he thought that royalty was rather underpaid For he took to writing proverbs, tho he was a King by trade! Jeremiah was a wailer who cried both night and day He bawled and bawled just bucketsful, and cried his eyes away They asked him "Whatcha cryin' for?" He grabbed a handkerchief "The worst, dear friends, has happened: my pecker won't get stiff!" Elijah was an astronaut, a very clever flyer He winged up to heaven in a chariot of fire But when he reached the Pearly Gates, the Lord began to frown; "Now listen here, Elijah,just haul those cinders down!" Elijah was a prophet and he worked the County Fairs He advertised his act with a set of dancing bears He held a sale of prophecies 'most every afiernoon And he went up every evening in a gaudy silk balloon Ahab had a lovely wife, her name was Jezebel While hanging out the clothes one day, down off the roof she fell "Your wife has gone all to the dogs," was what they told the King But Ahab said he'd never heard of such a doggone thing! Jonah was an emigrant, so runs the Bible tale He took a steerage passage on a transatlantic whale Jonah in the belly of the whale felt quite compressed So he pushed a little button and the whale did the rest! Goliath was a giant, and he was a rowdy cuss Went around the countryside, looking for a fuss When he saw David, he laughed till he bust Then David heaved a rock and socked him on the crust! John was a Baptist, whose look was hot as fire He took one look at Salome and filled her with desire She propositioned Johnny, but he wouldn't go to bed So Johnny lost that piece of tail, and also lost his head! Paul was a salesman who travelled far and wide But tho he was a bachelor, he never went for hide He scorned every female, and preached that sex was out And 'twas all because Paul's peter was afflicted with the gout! There are plenty of these Bible tales, I'll tell you more tomorrow How Lot with the wife and family fled from Sodom and Gomorrah But his wife turned to salt, to her very great dismay And Lot moved out to the suburbs of L.A.! 91 EXTRA AND VARIANT VERSES: God made Satan, and Satan made sin. God made a cubbyhole to put Satan in. Satan got mad and said he wouldn't stay. The Lord said "You gotta, 'cause you can't get away." Adam was the first man that ever was invented He lived out his life and never was contented He was made all out of mud and that's no lie They hung on a fence in the sun to dry Adam was the first man, Eve she was a mother Cain was a wicked man because he slew his brother Samson was a strong man, Noah built the Ark Jonah was a fisherman got swallered by a shark Adam was the first man, Eve was his spouse, They stopped eating fruit and set to keeping house All was going pretty well, until the baby came And then they started in a-raising Cain! Adam was the first man, Eve was his spouse They started in the Garden, together keeping house All was going pretty well, until the baby came And then they started in a-raising Cain! Noah was a carpenter, walking in the dark Stumbled on a hammer, and built himself an Ark The rain came down in showers fine And the Ark sailed away on scheduled time Noah was a mariner and sailed around the sea With half a dozen wives and a whole menagerie He failed the first season when it rained for forty days In that knd of weather, a circus never pays! Jonah signed up for a transatlantic sail He spent three days in the belly of a whale Jonah got bored, and the whale got depressed So Jonah pushed the button and the whale did the rest Salome was a dancer and she danced the hootchy-cootch She danced before the King and he liked her very much "But" said the King, "We must have no scandal here!" "The hell we won't!" Salome said, and kicked the chandelier! Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego Wouldn't obey the King and so they had to go Put 'em in a furnace to burn 'em up like chaff But they had asbestos BVD's and gave the King a laugh! -- collected by Joe Bethancourt and posted in "The Black Book of Locksley"