SILAS: Hello, Ezry.

EZRA: Hello.

SILAS: What you doing down this way?

EZRA: Well, I jes' come down here to the grocery
store to buy a few provisions and things to
take home. Gosh all thunderation, just
about keeps me busy nowadays buying provender of one kind or another.

SILAS: suppose you heard we had city boarders this
summer, did ye?

EZRA: Yes, I heard tell as how you was taking in
summer boarders.

SILAS: Well, we got 'em up there, we got dadoo-
dles of 'em. Y' ought to come up an' see
us sometime, Ezry, we do have some of
the doggonedest times since them summer
boarders come. [Loughs] Well, sir, I had an
experience the other night, Ezry, I calculate will
last me just about as long as I live.

EZRA: What were you doing, Silas?

SILAS: Well, I'll tell ye, I was a-learning one of them
city gals how to milk. I had the milk pails
and I was a-going out in th' barnyard an' one
o' them gals come up to me an' wanted to
know if I'd learn her how to milk. I told her I
reckoned I would, though I didn't think she'd
m— cut much of a caper milking. Well, she
went along with me out in the barnyard an' I
sot 'er down 'longside of that brindle cow of
ours—you know ol' Brindle—well, anybody
could milk her; she's so dog gone gentle she
wouldn't kick a fly off herself. I calculate if
you put the milk pail 'tween her legs she'd
come pretty near milking herself.

Well, I sot that city gal down alongside of
ol' Brindle an' she got ahold of one of ol'
Brindle's tits, well, sir, I had to turn around
an' laugh. She held the tit in her hand for
about five minutes an' kind of felt on it an'
looked at it an' I said to her, "Well, that ain't
no way to milk, why don't ye squeeze on it
an' get the milk out on it," and I'll be danged
if you can imagine what she said. 

EZRA: Well, what did she say, Silas?

SILAS: Well, sir, I kind of hate to tell ye, I had to go
around behind the barn to laugh.

She sat there holding the tit, I said, "Well,
you'll never learn to milk that way, now
you better squeeze on it or do something or
other." She said, "Well, I will when it gets
ready." I said, "Well, what're you waiting
for?" She said, "Why, I'm a-waiting for it to
get hard." 

Well, sir, Dan was very sick. Dan had been
drinking again, and the doctor had to come and see
Dan and straighten him out. Dan was just about to
have the symptoms of delirium tremens or something
like that, so Mary Ellen—that's Dan's wife—she said,
"Dan, I'm going to have the doctor come for you,"
and when the doctor come, she said, "Now, doc-
tor, I want you to tell Dan something that will scare
the life out of him." The
doctor said, "Dan, do you
know what will happen to
you if you keep on drinking
in this manner," and Dan
said, "Well, I don't know,
I suppose I'll have the jim-
mies." The doctor said,
"No, Dan. That will not hap-
pen to you. Your guts will
pass away from you like
a tapeworm and it'll kill
ye." Dan said, "Well, beg-
orra, Doctor, I'll drink no
more."

Well, Dan was sober
for a long time, and then
he went on another big
drunk and he was sick in
bed and that Mary Ellen
said, "Dan, I suppose I'll
have to get the doctor for
you now, and I'll be after
telling the doctor how you
have been doing." He said, "You'll do nothing of the
kind. You'll get no doctor. You go out and kill a chick-
en for me. Make a broth for me; I'll keep that on me
stomach and be all right."

Well, while Mary Ellen was killing the chicken
she thought of a good idea. She took the warm guts
out of the chicken and she sneaked in and Dan was
a-laying there in bed asleep and she put the guts
between his legs and Dan woke up; he said, "Oh
wowow, oh wo-wo-wo-wo-wo-wo-wo-wow! Oh, me guts
is all over the bed—Mary Ellen, go after the doctor,
wo wo wo wo wo wo wo wo wo wow!"

Well, sir, Mary Ellen went after the doctor. She
told the doctor of the joke
she'd played on Dan and
told him not to be in a
hurry but give Daniel a
good scare. Well, when
the doctor come, he said,
"Well, Dan, what's the
matter with ye?" Dan said,
"Oh, doctor, I disobeyed
you and now me guts is all
over the bed, oh wowow,
what to do me, what to do
me, oh wowow." The doc-
tor said, "Well, I'll see what
can be done for ye, Dan."
So he raised up the covers
and there wasn't a thing in
the bed, only a stain on the
sheets, and the doctor said,
"Why, Dan, I don't see any-
thing here now." He said,
"No, doctor, there, that's
what's worrying me. While
Mary Ellen was going after
you, I commenced to be that impatient about the
matter, that with the aid of a clothespin and a little
vaseline I have them back again, but oh wowow,
doctor, whether I have them straight or not, damn
me if I know, oh wowowowowow!"

Hamlet's Soliloquy, otherwise called Gimlet's
Soliloquy, by Manly Tempest.
To pee or not to pee, that is the question.
Whether it is better in the flesh to suffer the stings
and smarts of this outrageous clap or taking physic
against the damn disease and with it —a syringe
and [end] it. 'Tis a consummation to —devoutly
to be wished: to dose and piss no more, and by a
course of drugs to end the chordee and the thousand
cursed pains sore cocks are heir to. To drug, and pee;
to pee! perchance to burn—ay, there's the rub, when
we've unrolled this cotton coil, for in that voiding act
what stings, what smarts come must give us pause.
There's the respect that makes calamity of chronic
gleet. For who would bear the shame and scorn of
self, the doctor's sneer, the boon friend's bandinage,
the pangs of disappointing stands, the weakened
tool, the insolence of whores, and all the spurns the
undefiled of him who suffers takes, when he him-
self might his quietus make with a glass syringe?
Who would these fardels bear to grunt and sweat
because of sickly tool? But the dread of something
in the dose, some unknown drug whose caustic burn
there is no escape, puzzles the will and makes us
rather bear the clap as 'tis than brave the pains the
syringe brings. Thus gonorrhea makes us cowards
all, and thus the moment's gritty resolution is sicklied
oe'r with weak temerity, and bold resolves of clean-
ing out the thing grow weak and faint and tamely die
away, and love them in inaction. Soft—you now! The
fair Belinda, bitch, in thy wild orgies be my sick cock
remembered.
Say, Jack—Once I had a dog who could tell a rascal
from an honest man.
Charley—What became of him?
Jack—He bit me and I gave him away.

The Whores' Union.
From the Secretary's office, New York, April first,
eighteen hundred and eighty five.
The following resolutions were adopted.
Whereas, it having become known to the frail
angels of New York that the recent arrival of whores
from France has materially injured our legitimate
profession by their low prices, it was resolved at the
last regular meeting of this union that we do not
allow ourselves to be out-fucked by anything that
wears hair.
Therefore, be it resolved that the following scale
of prices be agreed upon, as follows:

• Common old-fashioned fuck: one dollar.
• Rear fashion: one fifty.
• Back-scuttle fashion: one seventy-five.
• Pudding jerking: two dollars.
• Tasting (French): two fifty.
• Single go—Patient in chair: two seventy-five.
• Wheelbarrow: three dollars.
• French fashion with use of patent balls: three
fifty.
• Three up and one down (two shots): three fifty.
• All night, with use of towel and rosewater: five
dollars.
• All night, cunt well cleansed: five dollars.
• All night, country cunt with maidenhead (our
own importation): twenty-five dollars.

NB.—Liberal allowance is made for button-hole
pricks, commonly called cunt robbers, hair curlers,
liver disturbers, kidney wipers, belly ticklers, bowel
starters, et cetera. Anything above fourteen inches
barred out.

Signed, Ophelia Openhole, President.
Sarah Broadass, Secretary.

A special dispatch from our war department.
Washington, D. C, June third, eighteen hundred and
ninety two, to the Associated Press.

Last evening as the pretty little clipper Frances
Folsom was cruising about, she was observed by the
government ram, Grover Cleveland, which immediately
hove down upon her with the intention of boarding her.
The Frances, seeing there was no way of avoiding the
encounter, pluckily lay to, threw her stern into posi-
tion, and bared poles for action. The Grover managed
to strike the Frances with two balls between wind and
water, intending thereby to impede the action of her
pump. As he bore down upon her, the Grover's polished
ram thrust the Frances at the water line, penetrating
her interior to a considerable depth. Although some-
what at a disadvantage, the Frances kept up a spirited
opposition until the Long Tom of the Grover was dis-
charged, which virtually put an end to the contest, as he
immediately threw off, somewhat disabled, not a spar
left standing. It was at first thought that the Frances was
uninjured, but upon close examination it was found that
there were two holes in her bottom, and at an early
hour this morning, she was pumping water.

A few conundrums:
What did Adam do when he discovered the differ-
ence between himself and Eve?
Answer: he split the difference, raised Cain, and
did it again when he got Abel.
Another. She was a ballet girl, and this was what she
said: she dances, first on one leg, and then on the
other; between the two, she makes a living.
Abram led his son Isaac to Mount Mariah. The old
man was wrong.
Minister to young lady: "Why—how your face is bitten
up by mosquitoes."
Young lady: "Lord sakes, that's nothing! You should
see my legs!"
"By the way, John, what is the difference between a
flag and a frig?"
"Well, one is bunting, and the other is cunting!"

The following is a humorous record by Charley
Smith of Kankakee. It represents a meeting of the
board of aldermen in Bloomfield, N G Y J. [Clears
throat.]
The town of Bloomfield contemplat-
ed building a reservoir. The people in the town
had been kicking at the water supply, and they
concluded to appoint a committee of three to inves-
tigate a good location for a reservoir. The
committee appointed were a countryman, a
German, and an Irishman. After a little contem-
plation, the German and the countryman
concluded to give the Irishman the go-by, that
is, to freeze him out of the committee and work the
thing on their own responsibility. The Irishman noticed this and didn't say anything at the time
but felt very much hurt. At a meeting of the board of
aldermen to receive the report, the following is
a see [scene?]— illustration. [Cears throat.]
CHAIR: Are the parties that were appointed
to making an investigation on the, uh,
reservoir present?
Well, yes sir, I [cough, cough] I'm here, sir,
I was appointed.
Mister Wilkins?
Yes, sir.
Well what what report have you
to make?
Well, sir, I'm the chairman of that commit-
tee, sir, and I've got a very good location
up here on Spot Pond, and I think, sir, that
it is the very best location we can get for for the reservoir, sir, it's all right and
uh, the, w-, the ground is high and it's
perfectly right.
Are the other members of the committee
here?

Yes, I was here, sir, I was
appointed already at once out on that
committee, sir. And whatever farm-
er Vilkins here says is all right, sir.
Well I thought Mister— Reilly was on
that committee.
I was on it, sir, begod, sir, I was on it, sir,
but I was froze out of it, sir!
You were what?
I was froze out of it, sir. By God, sir, I- I
hadn't been on that committee for three
days, sir, before I was froze entirely out
of it.
Well, what's the trouble?
Well, sir to make it— well, say, I'd like
to say a few words in reference to this
damn pond they are speaking about, sir.
Why, sir, that little pond up here, sir, is
no good at all, sir, why, to my knowledge,
we don't know other than it's drownded
three cats, two goats and a pig in there
last week.
What?
Why, sir, to make a long story short, sir, I
could stand on the— on the edge of it, sir,
and piss halfway across it, sir.
Uh, Mister Reilly, you are out of order.
What?
You're out of order.
Well, by God, sir, if I was in order I could
piss the whole damn way across it, sir!
[Laughter in background]
A humorous little ditty, entitled: Did He Charge
Too Much for the enh-eh, enh-eh,* commonly called
Shit.
JUDGE: Now, gentlemen, in reference to this manure
case, I would say that I have obtained the ser-
vices of an expert on manure, and I'm 'bout
to question him to settle this difficulty between
Mister Smith and Mister Jones that's been
pending here in the court for the last week.
Now, Mister Reilly? Will you please step here.
Mister Reilly? What would you think a good
fair price for a cartload of manure?
What d'ye mean, a cartload of shit?
Well, not exactly that, cartload of fertilizer, to
fertilize the soil.
Well, sir, the price of manure varies, sir,
according to circumstances, sir.
Yes, I don't doubt it.
And I'm damn sure of it. I want to relate a
little story in reference to that, sir, to prove
to you what I say is the real thing. My
wife one time, sir, employed, that is, she
hired a little girl to work in the kitchen, and
the little girl had a very wide bottom on
her and large titties, and naturally me being
a sporty boy I had preference, that is, I had
the desire to dally with the little girl. Well,
sir, I didn't have a chance at all, sir, because
my old woman she watched me very sharp-
ly, but one day, on a Wednesday, she went
to church, to the sewing circle of the ladies
at the church, and left me alone with the
little girl. Mm, well, I takes the little girl and
I takes her out in the woodshed and says I
to her, says I, "You're a nice little girl." And I
put me hand on her and at that, after working about an hour, I get me trousers down
and I get me big bogey-bow out and I—just
about to have a little game of sink the wienie-wurst with the little girl when I see me
wife a-coming down the walk to the shed,
she'd just come back from the meeting to get
her needle and some thread or something.
There I were with me pants down, the girl,
she simply dropped her dress and she
run away out of the place. And me with me
pants down and me dallier dandling* there.
My wife comes in and says she, "Denny?
What are you doing here?" I says, "Darling,
I'm shitting." "Shitting, are ye," says she. "I
am, darling," says I. "Show it to me," says
she. "Show it to me!" May it please your
honor and gentlemen of the court, I'd have
given fifty dollars for a bit of a turd a half
an inch long. That shows you the price of
manure will vary, sir, according to the circum-
stances under which it is pooped.
Dennis Reilly as a Policeman selection by Sally Smith of New York City.
What's the first case now this morning?
The first case, your reverence, sir, is the case
of this man here, that I arrested, sir, this
gentleman here, in the park this morning.
On what charge?
A charge—yes, the charge that he blew
in the young lady, that's the charge that I
arrested him on, sir.
What do you mean, I don't understand you.
Well, he's arrested for charges—and
for the in-, indecent exposure of the—
posterior extremity.
Posterior extremity, you mean—
Ass, sir. Ass.
Always speak to the court plainly.
Yes, sir, well, I was beating up and down the
path, this man came in the path with the
young lady on his arm, and says, "Here's
where we go," and says she, "No." And—
Said what no?
She said, "No, I'll not do it."
Do what?
I don't know what he wanted to do anyhow. He
was saying "Come on, it will not hurt you," and
she said, "No, I'll not," and anyhow, they
were talking between themselves and they
went along and I watched them, sir, for
fear that the young lady might get some
seduction, don't wonder, and, um—they
walked off of the path, sir, into the bushes,
sir. And I kept me eye on them, and knowing
that the man was a gentleman I thought as
I'd not spoil his little mite of a game that he
might going to be playing sir. And I comes
back in about ten minutes sir, and the gen-
tleman was in there under the bushes, sir,
and the lady's legs were pointing up in the
air, sir, and the gentleman's legs were point-
ing down there, sir, and his bare ass was
exposed to view, sir, and as I came near, he
beckoned with his ass for me to keep back.
Yes, yes, I see.
Yes, so did I see, sir; in fact, there was the
whole-— part of the young girl.
What was this other man arrested for?
The other man is a son-of-a-bitch, this other
man, God da—
Watcher, Mister Reilly.
Damn it, I can't hardly control me angry
feelings towards this man. I was— I was
beating up and down, sir, and when I, when I
noticed this man here committing a nuisance
in the laurels, "What are you doing there?"
says I. "Shitting," says he. "Sure you can't
do it there," says I. "Well I've done it fucking
well already," says he. "Come out of that,"
says I. "I'm not in it," says he. "I'll not have
it done," says I. "Well, you can eat it raw,"
says he. "It's agin the law," says I. "You're
a liar, it's agin the bushes," says he. Upon
that, your honor, I struck him a blow, sir, and
I nicked him, when I struck him again, sir,
and he let a fart, your worship, that would
crack a plate, and as I stepped back for fear
I'd be shot, he wiped his ass on the tail of
me coat, and he says, "A friend in need is a
friend indeed." God damn it.
Yes, thirty days.
Thirty days for what, sir? A good thing, sir.
For you, Mister Reilly.
For me? What for? What for me thirty days,
what for me thirty days?
For indecent conduct in the court.
Indecent shit and— oh, what the hell. That's
a nice thing to get, Reilly. God damn such
luck as this, Jesus Christ!
Remove Mister Reilly, please.
Oh, that's all right, I'll remove meself.
Sim Hadley on a Racket, a pathetic little recita-
tion by Willy Fathand of New York City.
Now, I'll bet you one thing, that is I ain't
going around here with my pecker on
dress parade any more, I'm going to sink
my sausage into something that costs a half
a dollar, and I don't give a damn who
knows it neither. Hih, heh, ha! They told
me this number four hundred here was
an assignation pecker shop—just go
on in and get a little assignation right on
my pecker right now. Hih, heh. Gee whiz,
if I'm—if I'm caught going in there I'll lose
my job, that's all this business. [Knocking]
Yes, be a little mite easy. [Knocking] Come on
there, going to sleep in there? What's 'a
matter? [Door opens]
How do you do?
Is this the flesh factory?
What?
I said is this a pecker shop?
What do you want?
I want a fuck, what the hell do you suppose?
Well, won't you come in?
Well, suppose I'm going to try them on the
doorstep? Of course I'll come in.
All right, come on in. [Door closes] What kind
of a lady would you like?
Well give me a little girl with big titties
and a wide arse.
All right. Maud! Maud!
[in distance] What?
Gentleman in the parlor.
All right, I'll be down in a minute.
Shit, every old cunt's named Maud.
[unintelligible speech or singing in back-
ground,* then:] Hello, darling.
Oh you go shit in your hat, now I want to
get screwed [scrouged], papered, get out,
how much is it?
I want one dollar an hour.
Give ye twenty five cents for fifteen minutes.
All right, come on.
No shit, I thought so—Christ! Doing a lend
lease business here. Ha, hee. [Sound of
feet on stairs] Eh, say, how far up is this?
Come on up, come on up, little higher.
No shit.
Well, come on now, I'm ready.
What in the hell you got to get ready?
Well, come on.
Well, just wait will I get ready, come up here
and sit down here and get the broad
small of [swallow] my manhood and pull
him and push him through [[muddled]]. Hey!
Come on, put him in double, any old way.
Eh, blow off m' balls when they're spend-
ing, you just let me work this now. Can't
you stand on your head and let me drop
it in?
What do you think I am, an acrobat?
Well, I guess as how you will have to blow
through it, I think it's plugged up a little.
Nyuk, or maybe it has to pee.
Oh, you go to hell.
Gimme a dollar.
You may kiss me ass.
Gimme a dollar.
No fuck, no dollar.
Gimme a dollar.
Go to hell, I'm going down to the school-
house, take a piece of Nancy Tuttle, that's
a teacher at the school, I don't give a
damn.
Come here!
Go to hell.
Come here!
Go and shit in your hat!
Come here!
Sim Hadley on a Racket, a very pathetic recita-
tion by little Willy Brown.
Hih, hih! By Jesus, I'll tell you just one
thing, that is, I ain't going round this double
asshole town any longer with my pecker
on dress parade.  I'm going to sink
my sausage if it costs fifty cents and I don't
give a damn who knows it. Sim Jones, he
told me this number four hundred and sixty
eight was an assignation whorehouse, I'm
going in to get a little of that 'ere assig-
nation on the end of my pecker.
[Knocking] Whew, by God, if Mandy saw
me now there'd be hell in the household!
[Knocking] Come on in there, God damn it,
come to the door. Oh, look at this coming,
there's a face on ye, bend a nail, says I.
Well, sir, what do you want?
Well, is this here one of them 'ere whore-
houses?
What?
Whorehouse! Sausage factory! Place where
you get your flesh scraped!
Oh! It's not exactly a place of that kind, but
we have ladies here.
Well, you just show me one of them and be
damn quick about it.
Won't you come in?
Won't I come in? Well, God damn it, d' you
suppose I'm going to scrouge out here on the
doorstep?  Certainly I'll come in.
What kind of a girl would you like?
Oh, well, I reckon a little girl with big titties
and a wide arse.
All right, step in the back parlor. Maud!
Maud! Maud! It's a gentleman in the parlor.
I'll be down in a minute. I've got three
Spanish fellows here buying wine.
No shit, every old bag's named Maud.
[Singing] Sailing, sailing, over the bound-
ing main, in many a stormy—[spoken] why,
hello, darling!
Oh, yes, darling me ass, how much do you
want for a scrouge?
Well, I want just one nice dollar.
Yes, you will get just one nice scrouge and
twenty-five cents for fifteen minutes.
That's all right, I won't do it less than a
dollar.
Well, here's your dollar. Come on upstairs,
dear. No,* I guess I'll get my scrouge first.
Come on, I'm ready.
Ready? What in hell you got to get ready?
God damn it, I'm the one's got to get
ready, this old sausage of mine
won't come up.  Jesus, I bet when
I get into you you'll think a creamery
exploded in your ass.
Come on.
And you will have to get down and blow
through it, I guess the damn thing's
plugged up or something.
Look here, what do you take me for?
Oh well, that's all right, then, I'm going
home, I can get done other places.
You just give me a dollar!
You just go and scratch your ass—Jesus,
no scrouge, no dollar, that's the way it is
with me.
You give me a dollar or I'll have you arrested.
You go and shit in your hat, you damn gall
bladder*!  No dollar, no scrouge,
no scrouge, no dollar. 
Michael Casey Exhibiting His Panorama, a
humorous selection by Willy Smith.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, I take plea-
sure tonight in introducing to you Mister—
Mister Michael Jeremiah Casey, the great
American explorer from New York City. He has
tonight that he's going to show to you their panny-murra, pa-, panny-ma, panny-
CASEY: Aw, sit down, you're making a bollocks of the
whole damn business, what the hell's the mat-
ter with you, sit down.  Gentlemen,
I'll introduce myself. Now I have tonight that
I'm going to show to you a panorama and
I hope that you will all be pleased with the
pictures and if you don't, well, I don't give
a shit anyhow, turn the crank there. [Music
played on harmonica] Turn back, turn back,
God damn it. [More music] There. Gentlemen,
this is the first picture. Faith, Hope—and
Charity.  I'll ask you to notice the tit-
ties on Hope and the arse on Faith and the
snatch on Charity.  It is rumored that
Hope took it in the pooper, that is the cause
of her wide arse, turn the crank there, turn it.
[Music played on harmonica] Wait, wait. [More
music] Turn back, God damn it, you'll break
that machine. Turn back! There. Gentlemen,
this is the next picture. Daniel in the lion's
den. You know that Daniel was thrown in
the lion's den by the King of Ireland, and
the king's name was Brown, and he had a
very beautiful daughter named Brown, and
Daniel being very fond of Brown and thought
she'd make good brown and tried to get up
her brown.  Well, anyhow, the King
thrown him in and one day he comes along
and says, "Hey, hello, Daniel, you're in the
hole." "What hole," says Daniel. "Arse hole,"
says the King.  "Kiss it," says Daniel,
which shows that Daniel was full of repartee.
 Ow, turn the crank, turn her away
there. [Music played on harmonica] Wait,
wait, what the hell's the matter with you, God
damn it, wait. Here—gentlemen, here's the
next picture. This is Venus. You know a Venus
was a cousin to a Penis, and one night when
Venus was way in [weighing Penis out of sight,
says Venus to Penis, "Sure, by God, I couldn't
tell there was anything between us."
Oh, owow, turn away, turn away, turn away,
run it along. [Music played on harmonica]
INTERJECTION: Say, Reilly, why the devil don't the
lions bite Daniel?
CASEY: Bite your ass, God damn it, the lions have
no teeth, what the hell is the matter with you,
turn the crank, turn it, turn it. There, gentlemen, the next
picture. This is the horse's arse. Note that the
horse's arse is the east end of a cow's tits
going south.  And that's the kind of a
man I am. 
INTERJECTION: Ah, you're a fakir, Reilly, you're a
fakir.
CASEY: Who's a fakir, who's a fakir, I'll come down
there and lick that man.
Dennis Reilly at Maggie Murphy's Home After
Nine O'clock, a humorous selection by Willy
Brown.
Heh, heh. Maggie! Maggie? Maggie, God
damn it!
What do you want, Denny?
Come here, I've something I want to show to
you.
MAGGIE: Well, that's all right, I've seen all you
have.
You're a damn liar, you never saw this,
what the hell is the matter with you?
Don't you lock the door, now. Don't you
dare to lock that door.
I don't want the door to fall down, what
talk have you?
It will not fall down, you open the door.
REILLY: Oh open me ass, what the hell is the mat-
ter with you, lay on the lounge there, ow
wow, wow.  Oh, but those are
pretty stockings you have on.
MAGGIE: Now stop, Denny, take your hand off that,
what do you want to do?
REILLY: I don't know yet what I'm going to do, I
think I'm going to tear off a little piece of
you.
MAGGIE: Now stop, now, put that up, what's that
you're pointing at me, put it up, now.
REILLY: You bet your life, I'll put it up in your pee-
pee munch hole in a minute.
MAGGIE: Ah, that's all right, now, put it up.
REILLY: Certainly, I'll put it up in you.
MAGGIE: Oh, look out, look out, there's a button
right there, look out, there's a button—
REILLY: Oh, button me ass, what's the matter with
you, lay over there. There, that's the stuff.
MAGGIE: Ah, Denny, don't. Don't, Denny, I've me
monthlies, I can't, I can't, I've me monthlies.
REILLY: I don't give a damn if you have your
Harper's Weeklies or your Frank Leslies, I'm
going to get a bit out of you, that's all about
it.  Turn over, there, now let her go.
MAGGIE: Oh, Denny, look out, look out, you're going
in me bottom!
I'm going in your bottom? Well, I may as
well catch the diarrhea as any old disease,
g'wan now, work her up again.
Ah, Denny, I never could take that in the
wide, wide world.
Well, who the hell wants you to take it in the
wide, wide world, I want you to take it in
your pee hole.  Work her up now,
leave her go.
Oh, Denny! Now a little on the east side. Now
a little on the north side. Now a little on the
south side. Now a little on the west si—
Aw, west side me ass, you think I'm sur-
veying you, I'm not, I'm fucking, g'wan, get
a wiggle on you, work her up, now.
Oh, Denny! Denny, me heart is leaving me!
Your heart is leaving you!  Well, it'll
not come out this hole, I can tell you that,
I have it plugged up!  Work her up
again, now, g'wan, let her go.
Ah, Denny! Denny, wait, wait, wait, I've a
stitch in me side.
You've a stitch in your side, well, I wish you
had it in your pee hole.  Begorry,
that's bigger than a horse bollock, g'wan,
let her up now, let her up.
Ah, Denny! Ah, Denny, the likes of this was
never made for man, kiss me, Denny, ah
Denny—
Ah, kiss kiss kiss, what's the matter with
you, g'wan, I'm cramming you, g'wan now,
work her up.
"Oh, Denny!" "Oh, Maggie!" [Bell starts]
Jesus, there's someone at the door. Jump
up quick. Maggie, have you a towel?
No, I've no towel, Denny.
Well, I'll have to wipe that on me shirt— oh,
look at that, but I can't help it. 
15. Stroll on Capitol Hill
I went out last Sunday night
for a quiet walk with Will;
we strolled around the shady park,
and upon Capitol Hill.
"We'll sit here on this cozy bench,"
my dear William said.
It was then I thought of mother's warning
look out for my maidenhead.
Will's arm stole around my well-formed waist
"Of fucking, dear, I've—never had a taste
"Oh, Will," I cried, "how dare you
talk with me so bad.
If I should lose my maidenhead,
my mother would feel very sad [bad].'
He gently loosened up my dress
and fingered round my titties—
one hand was still inside my dress,
the other inside my britches—
to that funny place, you know,
the place men call perfect bliss;
in other words, that little hole,
with which I have to piss.
Then I let him go ahead,
and thought of what my papa said
when fingering my dear mother:
"I hope, my dear, you do not forget that
one good turn deserves another."
And so I gently opened up his pants
and grasped his prick.
It scared me when I found
it was so long and thick.
He took me gently from the bench
and laid me on the grass;
one hand he placed beneath my head,
with the other beneath my ass.
It was then he stuck it into me,
such fucking and such kissing;
I found my cunt had better ends
than just used for pissing.
It hurt a little now and then,
but still I begged him shove
and locked my legs around the ass
of William in true love.
We strolled like hell for half an hour,
we fucked like sons of bitches,
and Will pulled out just in time
to spend all over my britches.58
16. A Hard Head [Hit]
She laid back naked on a bed,
so plump, so fair, so chubby.
I lay down close beside her;
in each hand I clasped a bubby.
I gazed into her laughing eyes,
and smiled to see her frightened look,
and beneath her chin did chuck her.
And then our limbs became entwined,
and I began to fuck her.
"Pull out," she cried, "don't spend inside
or I shall get in trouble."
I did, and on her snowy breast
the stream of life did bubble.
And as the bubbles burst,
I said to her, "My dear,
that's the youngest son
you ever nursed."
She took it up in her soft hands
and laughed a soft ha-ha
and threw it in my face and said,
"Go, son, kiss your papa."59
17. The Virtues of Raw Oysters
Oh, Jamey, come screw me; I'm dying for skin—
you know how we tried it, but it wouldn't go in.
I never had it but twice in my life;
make me, just for tonight, your dear little wife.
You remember the day we went
and met on the lawn,
when we watched the old bull
and thought it no harm?
When you asked me to show your—
you my hairy thing?
How I blushed as your finger
worked its way into [-—]
I lay down on the grass with my toes up high;
they covered my face and I was ready to cry,
but when I felt your prick [---] inside,
I thought if this thing would kill,
it was pleasant to die.
Panting for breath as we lay on the grass,
my hand on your prick, yours on my ass,
I tickled his head and pushed the skin back,
and he raised himself up for another attack.
What thrills of delight that nothing could blunt
as the head of your tricker [trigger]
pressed into my cunt,
but the struggle was short,
as our powers were spent
and the gash 'tween my legs
was pretty well rent.
Oh, if ever I live to enjoy it again,
your prick, dear Jamey, shall not suffer in vain,
for the crack is larger since you broke the bones,
and now, dear Jamey, I can take in your stones.
So, Jamey, come over tonight after nine;
the old folks will be fast asleep by that time.
Now don't disappoint me, I'd be so forlorn;
You eat some raw oysters—get a hard on.
So Jamey came over tonight after tea;
we had things as nice and cozy as could be.
I lay down on the lounge and braced my back;
Jamey was soon at the mouth of my crack.
We made the chaff fly as he gave such hoisters;
he's convinced me there's virtue
in eating raw oysters.
Whenever a real nice fucking you need,
be sure your Jamey on raw oysters you feed.60
18. A Northern drummer traveling through the
South was awakened one morning by a knock at
the door and a question: "Any water? Any tow-
els? Any soap?" Recognizing the voice as that of
a typical Southern coon, he sprang from his bed,
opened the door, and invited her in. Upon enter-
ing, he lost no time in making his wants known,
and before view of Miss Coon stood about eight
inches of regular New England blue-headed
Yankee prick. She assented, and they were soon
at it. When they had finished, he wanted to make
good and asked, "How much do I owe for that?"
She answered, "Oh, about ten cents." He said,
"You won't get very rich at that price." "Oh, I don't
know, suh. I'm meeting expense this morning."
19. Little Johnny asked his teacher the following
conundrum: "What is it that begins with A, that
we sit down upon, and sometimes smells bad?"
The teacher began to reprimand him when little
Johnny explained: "Automobiles!"
Here lies the body of Timothy Keeling,
upon his grave his wife is kneeling.
If he was up and had his feeling,
she'd be down, and he'd be kneeling.
There was a young lady from Alaska;
She wouldn't fuck everyone that asked her.
The high-toned bitch
Would fuck only the rich,
Same as Jay Gould and John Jacob Astor.
Here's to the duck that swims in the pond
and never commits adultery.
Here's to the lass who lays on her ass
and fucks for the good of her country.
Damn this old maid who lays in the shade,
jerks herself off with a candle.62
A minister having had various troubles with
his congregation dreamt one night that he
died and went to heaven. Saint Peter met him at
the gate and, after admitting him, was showing
him around heaven when all at once the min-
ister asked, "Where's the water closet?" After
being shown, he got ready to sit down when all
at once he exclaimed, "Saint Peter!" Saint Peter
answered. Said the minister, "I can't use this!"
"Why?" said Saint Peter. "Because," said the
minister, "I can see my congregation way down
below here." "Shit on them," said Saint Peter.
"They did on you when upon Earth."
Mary had a little watch;
she swallowed it one day,
and now she's taking Castanets
to pass the time away.
The Castanets did not work,
the watch they did not pass,
and now to tell the time of day,
you must look up Mary's ass.63
Who was the first farmer? Adam.
He plowed Eve's pea patch.
Who was the first carpenter? Eve.
She made Adam's banana stand.64
He was tall and she was fair,
light blue eyes and curly hair.
She placed her head upon his breast,
she pressed the button, he did the rest.
He tried her on the sofa,
he tried her on the chair,
he tried her on the window seat,
but couldn't do it there.
He tried her up against the wall,
and standing on the floor,
he tried her sitting on his lap
and against the parlor door.
He tried her this and that way—
oh, how it made me laugh
to see the different ways
he tried to take her photograph.65
A social glass and a social lass
go mighty well together,
but a social lass with a social ass
to my mind's a damn sight better.
So here's to the glass, the lass, and the ass,
may we find them all together
and drink from the glass while we tickle the ass
to make the lass feel better.66
Here's to true affection,
here's to close connection,
their hair was always catching,
true lovers never wash.
[Sung to the tune of "Rosin the Bow":]
Oh, my father's a hedger and ditcher,
My mother does nothing but spin,
My sister gets screwed for a quarter,
Great Scott [God] how the money comes in.
Oh, I jumped over hedges and ditches,
Was up to my ass in snow,
The girls unbuttoned my britches
To peep at old Rosin the Bow.67
Mary had a little lamb, cunning as a fox.
He put his nose under Mary's clothes
and he smelt at Mary's box.
Now Mary was a saucy girl,
she didn't care a damn,
She give the lamb another smell,
and killed the god-damn lamb.
The squirrel has a bushy tail,
the skunk perfumes the air,
The rabbit has no tail at all
and leaves his asshole bare.69
Mary had a little cat with curly short black hair,
and every place that Mary went,
the little cat was there.
There was a lot of naughty boys,
and Mary knew the brats,
who with their little squirt-guns
were always shooting cats,
but Mary kept her little cat
beneath her undershirt,
and puss was always free from harm and [—]
Now, Mary had a nice young man,
and he, like all young beaux,
had a naughty squirt-gun
concealed within his clothes.
One day while he was passing her,
and by her side he sat,
he reached beneath her underclothes
and caught her pussy-cat.
Do you think that Mary strained or screamed,
or did she cry and holler?
Oh no, she let him squirt away
and charged him half a dollar.70
His name was Tom Towser,
his prick was a rouser,
His bollocks weighed ninety-five pounds.
If I had Johanner, I'd fuck her God damn her,
I'd nail her old ass to the ground.71
The Lady's Friend
The little fly flew by the door,
he flew right into the grocery store,
shit on the cheese and pissed on the ham
and wiped his ass on the grocery man.
When the grocery man saw what the fly had done,
he loaded up his Gatling gun.
He chased the fly all up and down
and tried to shoot him in the brown.
But the little fly was much too slick;
he showed the grocery man a trick.
He flew around the room and then
went and shit in the ham again.
When he had finished his dirty work,
he flew onto the lady clerk
and up her leg he took a stroll
and took a bath in the lady's hole.
The lady laughed and said, "Oh my!
Ah there, stay there, you naughty fly!"
What made her laugh she did not know,
but something up there tickled her so.
She felt so gay she rolled on the floor
and cried "I never felt so good before."
She closed her legs and held her breath,
and the poor little fly was smothered to death.72
[Song]
Oh, Johnny and the teacher
were studying stars.
Teacher said to Johnny,
"Did you ever see Mars?"
"No," said Johnny, as he answered very cute:
"I never saw Mar's, but Paw's got a beaut."
The Irishman's Prayer
Lord, deliver me from the realms of the kicking heart,
the crooked horn bow, the frogs that lie deep in the
muddy waters, the owl that flies over me house at
night a-hollering, oh siree, who the hell are ye?
Two men meet on the sidewalk. One of them says,
"Pat, I have a new conundrum for you this morning."
Pat says, "What is it?" Says, "what's the difference
between an Irishman and a fart?" "Begorra," says
Pat, "I don't know, what is it?" Says, "one of them
can go back to the country he come from, and the
other one can't." "Begorra," says Pat, "that's pretty
good, but I'll not keep it long." So he's going down
the street, the first man he meets is a Jew. He knows
him, steps up to him and he says, "Isaac, I have a
new conundrum for you this morning." Isaac says,
"What is it?" Says, "What's the difference between
an Irishman and a fart?" "Oh, Jesus Christ," he says,
"there's no difference, they're both stinkers."
Good Old Ben Adhem! May his tribe increase,
his days be many and calmly end in peace.74
A Maid on a Dare*: Sally was her name,
who led the village pool at every game.
She could run, jump, whistle,
everything in short
the boys and girls had ever devised for sport.
In running races, many a lusty lout
had often tried to tucker Sally out,
but all in vain: whatever they could surmise,
Sally was sure to carry off the prize.
At length one balmy day in leafy June
the boys was lying on the grass at noon,
when, coming down the lane
with swinging stride
and head erect, the maiden they espied.
Up jumped Jim Tompkin: "Boys, I have it now!
We'll beat Sal Adams this time, anyhow!"
"How?" cries each lad. Says Jim,
"Out peckers all,
and see who will piss the highest on the wall."
No sooner said than done, and as they went,
and against the school house door
full many a stream was sent,
some weak and pretty little rills
cast rows higher than the windowsills,
while others greater in head did soar
high up the clapboards, halfway up the door.
While thus engaged in merry sport,
the maid approached the group.
They greeted her with many a lusty whoop.
Jim Tompkin, sending high his stream in air,
cries: "There, Sal Adams, beat that if you dare."
Sal slowly whistled, "Well, if I must, I must.
Stand back! I'll beat that boy if I bust."
Then well to the front she raised them round,
and bending till her head almost
touched the ground,
she grasped between her finger and her thumb
the muzzle [muscle] of her gay old doodle-dum,
and standing round her slender supple wrist,
she gave the thing a sort of a rifle twist,
then swiftly tossed back her homespun skirt,
she braced herself for an almighty squirt.
High in air her round plump butt she raised,
and against the schoolhouse door
full tilt she blazed.
Whsssht, it sounded [a sound of] the rocket's flight,
sent heavenward on a gay Fourth of July night.
They looked and lo! the stream that Sally pissed
was full four clapboards higher than the rest.75
. The farmer's sitting in the grandstand chair
with lice in his britches and shit in his hair.
His voice rang clear through the balmy air:
"She'll win in a walk, by Jesus!
"She has a record!
She can't go slow,
she's out of Black Bess by Hungry Joe,
and she'll win in a walk, by Jesus!
She's out in the paddock!
And they let her loose,
she slips along like shit through a goose,
and she'll win in a walk, by Jesus!
The race is on! She's third,
she crawls up second, slips in a turd,
falls in the ditch, that son of a bitch,
and loses the race, by Jesus!"76
[Song:]
There was a girl in Lewiston town,
For a cigar she wouldn't go down,
A man come along and he offered her five,
And now she takes them and eats them alive.
I sit here thinking, Will, of you
and of many [merry] days gone by,
the good old church where oft we sang
together, you and I.
But thoughts of one rehearsal night
will constantly arise
till I can read my title clear
to mansions in the skies.
I'm thinking of the rainy night
the rest had hurried home
and we in Deacon Foster's pew
were sitting all alone.
You were a seeker then, dear Will,
but not of things above.
The length, the depth, the breadth, the height
of everlasting love.
And I was on the anxious seat,
uncertain how to move,
within thine arms of love embraced,
thy constancy to prove.
And oh, the promise you made,
you were my own dear Will.
What peaceful hours I once enjoyed,
how sweet their memory still.
Oh what sweet words of love you spoke
and kissed away the tears
And how I trembled at the thought
lest someone should appear.
But when you turned the lights all out
to guard against surprise
I bid farewell to every fear
and wiped my weeping eyes.
And then you fixed the cushions up
and I reclined at ease
The pulpit pillow beneath my head
and you on bended knees.
With your warm kisses on my lips
how could I stay your hand
The veil was lifted and by faith
you viewed the promised land.
And oh the raptured feelings
which thrilled my every nerve, and when
I cried, Oh Lord, my heart is touched,
you shouted out Amen.
My very soul was all ablaze
I thought that I could see
the land of rest, the saints' delight,
the Heaven prepared for me.
I thought a charge to keep I had
with mingled fear and shame
How anxious I was, dear Will,
till you come 'round again.
In my distress I vainly strove
to check the welling tears.
The precious blood poured freely fourth
and conquered all my fears
But that was many years ago
and I've no doubt that you
Remember still the rainy night
in Deacon Foster's pew.
But oh my first experience
will not forgotten be
while down the stream of life we glide
to our eternity.
I'm married now, the good man thinks
in me he has a prize.
Ah me, where ignorance is bliss,
it is folly to be wise.
Of you, dear Will, is nothing known,
and so my heart is at rest,
and not a wave of trouble
rolls across my peaceful breast.77