RED RIDER
I came home at a quarter past two,
And there spread in bed was my Sue,
With my neighbo, old Fife,
Going down on my wife
The day that her period came due.
1965
#
Since transplants have proved to be viable,
And my dong is less plied now than pliable,
Why not graft, as a ringer,
My trusty third finger,
Which, these days, is far more reliable?
1970A
#
BUSTER CHERRY SPEAKS
I teach nubile cuties coition:
I charge not a dime for tuition:
I teach 'em the ways
In which a prick plays,
And I fuck 'em in any position!
1966
#
The crabs that so irritate *me*
I got in sex-congress with Bee.
So I paid for the tail
That I got from that frail,
With the crotch-pheasants thrown in for free.
1966
#
Though in fucking I dearly delight,
Now I'm surely the town's saddest sight.
For the hair on my belly
Wore off fucking Nellie,
And my balls are half-frozen at night!
1965
#
NEVER SAY DIE!
Well, I laid there and twiddeld her twat,
And gave the job all that I've got.
Yet my trusty repeater
Somehow couldn't heat her,
Though I worked on that hole quite a lot.
1965
#
Fucking is a filthy deed -- I like it.
It satisfies a normal need -- I like it.
It makes you sick, it makes you well,
It turns your spine to fucking jell,
It damns your soul to Eternal Hell! -- I like it.
(Viariant found without 'I like it') 1957A
#
FIFE'S WIFE
I did feel obliged to friend Fife
For the overnight use of his wife.
But he dropped in today
And insisted on pay --
Such sordidness ours me on life.
The passionate ass on Fife's wife
Should provide me free fucking for life.
The notch on that bitch
Gets so hot it'll twitch:
I will wear out both me and friend Fife.
I think I must speak to my wife,
For she's giving free tail to old Fife.
It isn't the screwing
I mind the fool doing,
It's the 'free' bit that's causing the strife!
1966
#
While forming my coming year's vows,
I promise to stop fucking cows.
To stand on a stool
Is playing the fool,
And it's easier buggering sows.
1971A.
#
I'd much prefer glamorous Miss Blum,
But she yammers for dough till you're numb.
So I bang cute li'l Nevis
Now donates her wet crevice,
Being hot and incredibly dumb.
1965.
#
It's my own fault I've only one ball,
And it's lucky I *have* one at all.
While sittin' and shittin'
I should never have written
My phone number up on the wall!
1970A
#
At the orgy I humped twenty-two
And was glad when the whole thing was through.
I don't find it swinging
To do all that change-ringing,
But at orgies what else can you do?
1965.
#
I fucked her in my dreams,
I listened to her screams.
When I awoke
The bed was soaked,
For I had fucked her in my dreams!
1939-1952L.
#
It seems I impregnated Marge,
So I do sort of feel, by and large,
That some dough should be tendered
For services rendered --
But I can't quite decide what to charge.
1965
#
When Fay missed her last menstruation,
'Twas a highly unpleasant sensation.
And it's getting me down,
I'll not only leave town,
But the county, the state, and the nation!
1966
#
The last time I had an orgasm,
It came with a spine-tingling spasm.
In the midst of our thralls
It burted my balls,
And I smeared all the walls with my plasm!
1969A
#
I once had a hot-tempered sweetie
Who resented, in spades, spermaceti.
The real thing that galls
Is, she'd cut off your balls
Before she'd sign a piece treaty.
1961A.
#
In the house of ill-fame that's next door,
I've sampled the snatch of each whore.
But one of those drabs
Gave me both clap and crabs,
So I WON'T whore next door anymore!
No, the rotten old crotch of each whore
Will feel my John Thomas no more.
Some bitch that I mounted
Had crab lice uncounted,
And, ke-rist! is my genital sore!
1966
#
The harlots of London are frightful,
And the fairies -- those bastards -- so spiteful!
But I'm not in heat,
For I happened to meet
A sheep in Hyde Park. Quite delightful.
1970A.
#
I finally had Adeline plastered,
Her quibbling and delaying all mastered.
All my systems said 'Go!'
When she hollered, 'Oh, no!!'
I forgot my Pill -- pull out, you bastard!'
1966
#
Lil is always forgetting The Pill,
And those babies she has make me ill.
She's great fun in bed --
It's those bastards I dread,
For she always socks *me* with the bill.
1965
#
If you'll just take the knee-chest position,
I can tell more about your condition.
I'll tune up your womb
To make room for the groom,
For I gather, you're planning on coition.
1965
#
I'm terribly sorry you're sick, Nick,
And I'm glad that the poison's not strychnic.
It's that fat girl you are --
What's her name? Oh, yes, Kate.
You just overate on the pyknic.
1967
#
THE WORLD'S WORST LIMERICK
Da-da-da, da-da-da, da-da
Da-da-da, da-da-da, da-da
Da-da-da, da-da-da
Da-da-da, da-da-da
Da-da-da, da-da-da, da-*SHIT*!
1948
#
HIPSTER
I go for fads new and arcane:
Crippled girls, shooting shit -- that's my name!
I'm a sadist, a hustler,
A reformed pussy-muzzler;
Square head-shrinkers say I'm insane.
1977A.
#
When I read my first S.F. literature
I was struck by the front-cover piterature:
A beautiful girl
On some alien wirl
Being (er) wooed by an alien criterature.
1968G.
#
LAUS DEO
I am the Bishop of Yardleigh,
And though you mightn't think it of me,
I've a face like a lamb,
A prick like a ram,
And a mind like a W.C.
1968A.
#
BITCH ARITHMETIC
My dearest, I do love you truly,
But don't expect *me* to get drooly,
Or fall into fits
For a couple of tits
Like the lemniscate drawn by Bernoulli.
1966.
#
There was a young girl from Purdue
Who covered her pussy with glue.
She was minus one tit,
And stunk like shit --
*I* wouldn't fuck her: would you?
1975A.