I don't wana join the Army
Chorus:
I don't want to join the Army
I don't want to go to War
I'd rather hang around Pick a lilly on the ground
Living off the earnings of a high born lady
I don't want a bullet up my asshole
I don't want my buttocks shot away
I'd rather stay in England
In merry merry England
And fornicate my bloody life away.
Verses:
Monday I touched her on the ankles,
Tuesday I touched her on the knees,
On Wednesday, with success, I lifted up her dress,
Thursday morning oh how slimy
Friday I put my finger on it,
Saturday I gave it a little twitch
On Sunday after supper, I rammed my fucker up her,
And now I'm paying forty bucks a week.
TOP
In the Front Row Tune
I've been a prop forward as long as I know,
And will always do nothing but play the front row.
You might think we're crazy, just stupid or dumb,
But without us you wouldn't win one single scrum.
And it's close, tight, together,
Never back we will go.
Cause we'll always be playing,
In the front row.
I stand in between them, and hooker's my name,
Striking at balls is my favourite game.
Channels and tactics, just give me a call,
Cause I am by far the smartest of all.
Our numbers are easy, they're one, two and three,
Or in the same order, it's a, b and c.
It's common logic, we're always up front,
Ask us a question, we'll probably go HUH
No second or backrow, no scrumhalf or back,
We are the pillars of both team and pack.
You may wonder why, but you will never know,
Unless you have tried to play in the frontrow.
Scrummage is easy, we say
"peace-of-cake",
We push them around until we hear something break.
Referee or others, we don't give a fuck,
We are the best in a fast forward ruck.
Our job in the lineout is to lift and protect,
And hand-off opponents in case they object.
Wheeling a maul is great fun to do,
Cause if we are lucky we get to score too.
You might not believe it, we sometimes do think,
It most likely happens when we need a drink.
Running makes thirsty and energy'is spilt,
that'is why our stomaches
are constantly filled.
Now that you know what the frontrow's about,
Guess what we think when we give you a shout
Dropping a ball may look clumsy to you,
But winning a scrum is what we'are born to do.
TOP
I've played the wild rover for many a year
And I've spent all me money on whiskey and beer.
And now I'm returning with gold in great store,
And I never will play the wild rover no more.
Chorus:
And it's no, nay, never (right up your kilt!)
No, nay, never, no more,
Will I play the wild rover,
No, never, no more.
I went into an alehouse I used to frequent,
And I told the landlady me money was spent.
I asked her for credit, she answered me nay,
Such custom as yours I can have any day.
Repeat Chorus
I reached into me pocket, pulled out sovereigns bright,
And the landlady's eyes opened wide with delight.
She said "I have whiskey and wines, all the best,
And the words that I spoke you were only in jest."
Repeat Chorus.
I went home to me parents, confessed what I oughtta,
And asked them to pardon their prodigal daughter.
And as they caressed me as oft times before,
I promised to play the wild rover no more.
Repeat Chorus.
TOP
Swing low, sweet chariot,
Comin' for to carry me home,
Swing low, sweet chariot,
Comin' for to carry me home.
I looked over Jordan,
and,
What did I see,
Comin' for to carry me home?
A band of angels comin' after me,
Comin' for to carry me home.
Swing low, sweet chariot,
Comin' for to carry me home,
etc..
If you get there before I do,
Comin' for to carry me home,
Tell all my friends I'm comin' too,
Comin' for to carry me home
Swing low, sweet chariot,
Comin' for to carry me home,
etc..
Sometimes I'm up,
Sometimes I'm down,
Comin' for to carry me home,
Yet still my soul feels heavn'ly bound,
Comin' for to carry me home.
Swing low, sweet chariot,
Comin' for to carry me home,
etc..
TOP
When I was a little girl
I had a little thing,
And if I tried I could get,
My little finger in.
Finger in, finger in, finger in,
Finger in, finger in, finger in,
My little finger in!
I've grown into a woman now,
My thing has lost its charm,
And I can get five fingers in,
And half my fucking arm.
Fucking arm, fucking arm, fucking arm,
Fucking aarm, fucking arm, fucking arm,
And half my fucking arm!
Now my age is ninety-two,
And I'm half fucking dead,
Now I get both arms in,
And half my fucking head.
Fucking head, fucking head, fucking head,
Fucking 'eeead, fucking head, fucking head,
And half my fucking head!
TOP
There was an old lady
who lived in the street,
Her passage was blocked up from too much to eat,
She took stomach pills without reading the box,
Before she could think turds were flying for
blocks.
(The Chorus)
Too-ra-li, too-ra-li,
too-ra-lay, too-ra-lay,
A rolling stone gathers no moss so they say,
Sing along, sing along, with the birds, with the birds,
It's a wonderful song but it's all about turds.,
Well she ran to the window and stuck out her arse,
Just at that moment a p'liceman came past,
That poor old p'liceman was eating his pie,
Whena steaming hot turd
hit him right in the eye.
Chorus.
Well he ran to the East and he ran to the West,
When a further consignment hit him right in the chest,
Well he fled to the North and he fled to the South,
When a bloody great turd hit him right in the
mouth.
Chorus.
The next time you walk over Waterloo bridge,
Look out for a p'liceman asleep on the ridge,
His chest bears a plackard, around it these words,
Be kind to this cop who's been blinded by turds".
Chorus (twice)
TOP
My Grandfather's Clock
My Grandfather's cock was too long for his jock,
So it dragged half a yard on the floor,
It was longer by far than the old grandpapa,
And it weighed near a hundredweight more.
He's a horn on the morn of the day he was born,
It was always his pleasure and pride,
But it dropped shrank, never to rise again,
When the old man died.
(Chorus)
Ninety years without cracking it,
What a cock! What a cock!
He spent his life whacking it,
What a cock! What a cock!
But it dropped, shrank, never to rise again,
When the old man died.
My grandfather's cock was too long for his strides,
So he lent it to the woman next door,
She grabbed it by the point, and pulled it out of joint,
So he swore he'd never lend it any more.
(Chorus)
He had a horn on the morn that he was born,
It was always his pleasure and pride,
But it dropped shrank, never to rise again,
When the old man died.
(Chorus)
TOP
Why was he born so beautiful?
Why was he born at all,
He's no fucking use to anyone,
He's no fucking use at all,
He should be publicly pissed on,
He should be publicly shot (bang, bang),
He should be tied to a urinal,
And left there to fester and rot.
So, DRINK chug-a-lug,
Drink chug-a-lug,
Drink chug-a-lug,
DRINK!,
TOP
I Love My Wife
I love my wife,
yes I do,
yes I do,
I love her dearly.
I love the hole (I love the hole),
She pisses through (she pisses through).
I love her tits-diddly-its-diddly-its,
And her big brown asshole.
I'd eat her shit (gobble gobble gobble gobble),
With a rusty spoon (with a rusty spoon)!
Second (or whatever number you're on) verse same as the first,
A little bit louder and a whole lot worse.
I love my wife,
Yes I do,
Yes I do....
TOP
Yogi
I know a bear that you all know,
Yogi, YOGI
know a bear that you all know,
Yogi, Yogi Bear
YOGI, YOGI BEAR, Y OGI, YOGI BEAR
I KNOW A BEAR THAT YOU ALL KNOW, YOGI, YOGI BEAR
Yogi's got a little friend, Booboo, BOOBOO
Yogi's got a little friend,
Booboo, Booboo Bear
BOOBOO, BOOBOO BEAR, BOO, BOOBOO BEAR
YOGI'S GOT A LITTLE FRIEND,
BOOBOO, BOOBOO BEAR
And similarly:
Yogi's got a girlfriend, Suzi, Suzi, Suzi Bear
Yogi's got an enemy, Ranger Ranger,
Ranger Smith
Yogi's got a cheesy knob, cammum, Cammum, Camembert
Suzi likes it on the fridge, polar,
Polar, polar bear
Booboo likes it up the arse, brown,
Brown, brown bear
Suzi hates it up the arse,
something, Something she cant
bear
Yogi's dick is long and green, cucum, Cucum, cucumber
Suzi likes to shave her pubes, grizzly, Grizzly,
grizzly bare
TOP
Yo Ho
He put his hand upon my
toe, yo ho, yo ho,
He put his hand upon my
toe, yo ho, yo ho,
He put his hand upon my toe, I
said
"Hey rugger yer much too
low!"
(Chorus)
Get it in, get it out, quit fuckin'
about. yo ho, yo ho,
He put his hand upon my
knee, yo ho, yo ho,
He put his hand upon my
knee, yo ho, yo ho,
He put his hand upon my knee, I said
"Hey rugger you're killing me!"
(Chorus)
He put his hand upon my thigh, yo ho, yo ho,
He put his hand upon my
thigh, yo ho, yo ho,
He put his hand upon my thigh, I said
"Hey rugger you're making me sigh!"
(Chorus)
He put his hand upon my
clit, yo ho, yo ho,
He put his hand upon my
clit, yo ho, yo ho,
He put his hand upon my clit, I said
"Hey rugger use your dick!"
(Chorus)
He put his hand upon my
tit, yo ho, yo ho,
He put his hand upon my tit, yo ho, yo ho,
He put his hand upon my tit, I said
Hey rugger get back to the clit!
TOP
Buy us a drink
And we'll sing you a song
of the chances you missed,
and the love that went wrong.
If you can't buy whiskey,
Stand us a pint,
And we'll lug'er strait down,
And we'll sing half the night.
Lug'er down,
Lug'er down.
As long as there's light in the day,
For you'll get no more sup, when you're number is up,
And they lay you to rot in the grave.
There's girls in the parlours,
There's girls in the bars.
They paint on the smiles, so you don't see the scars.
They get lots of offers,
But not much respect
For raising three kids on a government cheque.
chorus
TOP
Barnacle Bill the Sailor
WOMAN'S VOICE:
Who's that knocking at my
door?
Who's that knocking at my
door?
Who's that knocking at my
door?
Cried the fair young
maiden.
MAN'S VOICE:
Oh, it's only me from
across the sea.
Cried Barnacle Bill the
Sailor.
WOMAN'S VOICE:
Why are you knocking at
my door?
Why are you knocking at
my door?
Why are you knocking at
my door?
Cried the fair young
maiden.
MAN'S VOICE:
'Cos I'm young enough,
and ready and tough.
Cried Barnacle Bill the
Sailor.
Will you take me to the
dance?
To hell with the dance
down with your pants.
You can sleep upon the
floor.
I'll not sleep on the
floor you dirty whore.
You can sleep upon the
mat.
Oh, bugger the mat you
can't f*** that.
You can sleep upon the
stairs.
Oh, f*** the stairs they
haven't got hairs.
What's that running up my
blouse?
It's only me mitt to grab
yer tit.
You can sleep between my
tits.
Oh, bugger your tits they
give me the shits.
You can sleep between my
thighs.
Bugger your thighs
they're covered in flies.
You can sleep within my
cunt.
Oh, bugger your c*** but
I'll f*** for a stunt.
What's that running in
and out?
It's only me c**k, it's
as hard as a rock.
What's that running down
my leg?
It's only me shot that
missed yer t***.
What if my parents should
find out?
We'll eat your ma and
blow your pa.
What if my mother should
disagree?
If yer ma'll agree we'll
make it three.
What if we should get VD?
We'll pick the sores and
f*** some more.
What if we should get the
(clap!)?
Gotta be willin' to take
penicillin.
What if I should have a
child?
We'll drown the bugger
and f*** for another.
What if we should have a
girl?
We'll dig a ditch and
bury the bitch.
What if we should have a
boy?
He'll play rugby and f***
like me.
What'll we do when the
baby's born
We'll drown the bugger
and f*** for another.
What if you should go to
jail?
I'll pick the lock with
my ten-foot c**k.
What if we should go to
prison?
I'll swing my balls and
knock down the walls.
TOP
Roll Your
Leg Over
(chorus)
Roll
your leg over
Oh roll your leg over
Roll your leg over
And fuck me till noon
I
wish all the girls
Were like amusement park twisters
I ride the bitches
Until they had blisters
(chorus)
I
wish all the girls
Were like holes in the road
I'd be the dump truck
And fill them with my load
(chorus)
I
wish all the mirrors
Were like mirrors on a car
All of our dicks
Would appear larger than they are
(chorus)
I wish all the girls
Were like girls from Connecticut
Swallowing after cumming
Is just proper etiquette
(chorus)
I
wish all the girls
Were just stop their bitchin'
Fuck out my brains
And get busy in the kitchen
(chorus)
I
wish all the girls
Were like tables in bed
When they blew me
I'd rest my beer on their head
(chorus)
I wish all the girls
Were paper machetable
I'd fuck them, discard them,
They're biodegradable
(chorus)
Roll
your leg over
Oh roll your leg over
Roll your leg over
And fuck me till noon
I
wish all the girls
Were like amusement park twisters
I ride the bitches
Until they had blisters
(chorus)
I
wish all the girls
Were like holes in the road
I'd be the dump truck
And fill them with my load
(chorus)
I
wish all the mirrors
Were like mirrors on a car
All of our dicks
Would appear larger than they are
(chorus)
I wish all the girls
Were like girls from Connecticut
Swallowing after cumming
Is just proper etiquette
(chorus)
I
wish all the girls
Were just stop their bitchin'
Fuck out my brains
And get busy in the kitchen
(chorus)
I
wish all the girls
Were like tables in bed
When they blew me
I'd rest my beer on their head
(chorus)
I wish all the girls
Were paper machetable
I'd fuck them, discard them,
They're biodegradable
As the end of the month rolls around
TOP
End of the Month
You can tell by the smell
That she isn't feeling well
As the end of the month rolls around (chorus)
You can guess there's a mess,
Down there underneath her dress
(chorus)
So Ay Ay hey,
What you got to say;
Shout out your orders loud and clear,
We got super, regular, large,
We got rags to fit a barge
(chorus)
you can bet it ain't sweat
when her underwear is wet
(chorus)
you can tell that it itches
by the way she always bitches
(chorus)
So Ay Ay hey,
What you got to say;
Shout out your orders loud and clear,
We got super, regular, large,
We got rags to fit a barge
(chorus)
but it's great
when your favorite date
calls you up and says
Honey, my period ain't late
TOP
Black Velvet Band
They call her the Queen of the land.
And her hair hung over her shoulders,
Tied up with a black velvet band.
In a neat little town they call Belfast,
Apprentice to trade I was found,
Many an hour sweet happiness,
Have I spent in this neat little town,
Till bad misfortune befell me,
Which caused me to stray from the land,
Far away from my friends and relations,
Betrayed by the black velvet band.
Well I was out strolling one
evening,
Not meaning to go very far
When I met with a pretty young damsel
She was selling her trade in a bar
She was both fair and handsome,
And her neck it was just like a
swan,
And her hair it hung it over her
shoulder,
Tied up with a black velvet band.
I took a stroll with this pretty fair maid,
And the gentleman passing us by,
Well I knew she meant the doing of him,
By the look in her roguish black-eye,
The gold watch she took from his pocket,
And placed it right into my hand,
On the very first day that I met her,
Bad luck from the black velvet band.
Next morning before judge and jury
For our trial I had to appear
The judge, he said, "Young fellow
The case against you is quite clear
And seven years is your sentence
You're going to Van Dieman's Land
Far away from your friends and relations
Betrayed by the black velvet band.
So come all you jolly young fellows
I'd have you take warning by me
And whenever you're out on the liquor
Beware of the pretty colleen
They'll fill your with whiskey and porter
Until you're not able to stand
And the very next thing that you know
You're landed in Van Dieman's Land
TOP
Boy Meets Girl
Boy meets
girl, holds her hand,
Visions of
a promised land,
Tender
words, cling and kiss,
Crafty
feel, heavenly bliss,
Nibble
nipples, squeeze thighs,
Gets a
beat, feels a rise,
Eyes
ablaze, drawers down,
Really
starts to go to town,
Legs
outspread, virgin lass,
Fanny
foams like bottled Bass,
Ram it
home, moans of joy,
Teenage
love, girl meets boy,
Love's a
jewel, pearls he's won,
Shoots his
load, what's he done,
Comes the
pay off, here's the rub,
He's got
her in the pudding club,
Comes the
wedding, bridesmaids flap,
Love and
cherish, all that crap,
A tubby
tum, weighty gain,
Prams and
nappies, labour pain,
Begins to
realize what he did,
Nagging
wife and screaming kid,
Sweats his
prick off, works his stint;
Only
pleasure is evening time,
When
mattress creaks she's off again,
Can't
forsake those sexy habits,
Breeding
kids like bloody rabbits.
Bye, Bye, Blackbird
Once a boy was no good,
Took a girl into a wood,
Bye, Bye, Blackbird.
Laid her down upon the
grass,
Pinched her t**s and slapped
her ass,
Blackbird Bye, Bye,.
Took her where nobody else
could find her,
To a place where he could
really grind her,
Bye, Bye, Blackbird.
Rolled her over on her
front,
Shoved his prick right up
her c**t,
Blackbird Bye, Bye,.
But this girl was no sport,
Took her story to a court,
Bye, Bye, Blackbird.
Told her story in the morn,
All the jury had a horn,
Blackbird, Bye, Bye.
Then the judge came to his
decision,
This poor sod got eighteen
months in prison,
Bye, Bye, Blackbird.
So next time, boy, do it
right,
Stuff her c**t with
dynamite,
Blackbird, Bye, Bye.
TOP
Courtin' in The Kitchen
CHORUS:Tooral
ooral ooral a, tooral ooral addy,
Tooral ooral ooral ooral a,
tooral ooral addy.
Come single belle and beau,
unto me pay attention,
Don't ever fall in love for
'tis the devil's own invention.
Once I fell in love with a
maiden so bewitchin',
Miss Henrietta Bell out of
Captain Kelly's kitchen.
At the age of seventeen I
was 'prenticed to a grocer,
Not far from Stephen's Green
where Miss Henry used to go, Sir.
Her manners were sublime,
she set me heart a twitchin',
And she invited me to a
hooley in the kitchen.
Next Sunday being the day we
were to have the flare up,
I dressed meself quite gay,
an' I frizzed and oiled my hair up.
The captain had n-o wife,
faith, he had gone out fishing,
So we kicked up high life
down below stairs on the kitchen.
Just as the clock struck six
we sat down to the table,
She handed tea and cake and
I ate while I was able.
I drank hot punch and tea
till me sides had got a stitch in,
And the hours passed quick
away with the courtin' in the kitchen.
With me arms around her
waist she slyly hinted marriage,
To the door in dreadful
haste came Captain Kelly's carriage
Her eyes soon filled with
hate and poison she was spitting,
When the Captain at the door
walked straight into the kitchen.
She flew up off my knees,
full five feet up or higher,
And over head and heels,
threw me slap into the fire.
My new Repealer's coast,
that I bought from Mr. Mitchell,
With a twenty shilling note,
went to blazes in the kitchen.
I grieved to see my duds,
all smeared with soot and ashed,
When a tub of dirty suds,
right in my face she dashed.
As I lay on the floor and
the water she kept pitchin',
The footman broke the door,
and marched down into the kitchen.
When the Captain came
downstairs, tho' he saw my situation,
In spite of all my prayers,
I was marched off to the station.
For me they'd take no bail,
tho' to get home I was itchin',
But I had to tell the tale,
how I came into the kitchen.
I said she did invite me but
she gave a flat denial,
For assault she did indict
me and I was sent to trial.
She swore I robbed the house
in spite of all her screetchin',
And I got six months hard
for me courtin' in the kitchen.
TOP
Haka
Ka mate Ka mate
It is
death It is death
Ka ora Ka ora
It is
life It is life
Ka mate Ka mate
It is
death It is death
Ka ora Ka ora
It is
life It is life
Tenei Te Tangata Puhuruhuru
This is
the hairy man
Nana i tiki mai whakawhiti te ra
Who
caused the sun to shine again for me
Upane Upane
Up the
ladder Up the ladder
Upane Kaupane
Up to the
top
Whiti te ra
The sun
shines!
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