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Below is the songbook Not In Polite Company: A Selection of the Rude and Gross Songs So Beloved of Guides and Scouts. If you wish to verify the text below, please download the original MS-Word file.

My Father’s a Lavatory Cleaner
(just one version of many….)

My father’s a lavatory cleaner
He works hard by day and by night
And when he comes home in the evening
He’s covered all over with
Shine your buttons with Brasso
Its only three ha’pence a tin
You can buy it or nick it from Woollies
But I doubt if they'll have any in

Some say that he died of a fever
Some say that he died of a fit
But you and I know what he died of :
He died of the smell of the
Shine your buttons with Brasso
Its only three ha’pence a tin
You can buy it or nick it from Woollies
But I doubt if they'll have any in

Some say that he lies in a graveyard
Some say that he lies in a pit
But I know where my old man is buried:
He's buried in six feet of
Shine your buttons with Brasso
Its only three ha’pence a tin
You can buy it or nick it from Woollies
But I doubt if they'll have any in

NOT IN POLITE COMPANY

A selection of the rude
and gross songs so beloved
of Guides and Scouts :
to be sung with discretion!

HEALTH WARNING : those of a sensitive disposition or lacking in a sense of
humour may find some of these songs offensive : if this could be you, DON’T
teach these songs to your Guides!!

Nobby Hall
(The same tune as "I'm alive, alert, awake, enthusiastic" (minus the "ic") and prolong the pause at the dots..........

Oh his name was Nobby Hall, Nobby Hall;
His name was Nobby Hally, Nobby Hall.
His name was Nobby Hall, cos he'd only got one..... finger,
His name was Nobby Hall, Nobby Hall.

He went to rob a bank, rob a bank,
He went to rob a bank, rob a bank,
He went to rob a bank, on the way he had a ....... sandwich,
He went to rob a bank, rob a bank.

The policeman he came quick, he came quick,
The policeman he came quick, he came quick,
The policeman he came quick and he hit him with his....... truncheon,
The policeman he came quick, he came quick.

The judge's name was Hunt, name was Hunt,
The judge's name was Hunt, name was Hunt,
The judge's name was Hunt, and he was a silly ......... person,
The judge's name was Hunt, name was Hunt.

The sent him off to Venus, off to Venus,
The sent him off to Venus, off to Venus,
The sent him off to Venus where he landed on his ...... elbow
The sent him off to Venus, off to Venus.

He landed in a pit, in a pit,
He landed in a pit, in a pit,
He landed in a pit and it covered him in ....... sawdust,
He landed in a pit, in a pit.

They buried him next to granny, next to granny,
They buried him next to granny, next to granny,
They buried him next to granny with his hand upon her....... shoulder,
They buried him next to granny, next to granny.

Oh, Sir Jasper

This one is DEFINITELY "all in the mind" : repeat the verses, omitting the last word , one more word each time round, and adding expression ad lib.
(To the tune of the chorus of John Brown’s Body – the Battle Hymn of the Republic / Glory, glory hallelujah)

Oh, Sir Jasper, do not touch me
Oh, Sir Jasper, do not touch me
Oh, Sir Jasper, do not touch me
As she lay between the lily-white sheets with nothing on at all

Oh, Sir Jasper, do not touch ….
Oh, Sir Jasper, do not touch …
Oh, Sir Jasper, do not touch ….
As she lay between the lily-white sheets with nothing on at all

Oh, Sir Jasper, do not ……..
Oh, Sir Jasper, do not …….
Oh, Sir Jasper, do not …….
As she lay between the lily-white sheets with nothing on at all

Oh, Sir Jasper, DO …….!
As she lay between the lily-white sheets with nothing on at all

Oh, Sir Jasper! ….. etc
As she lay between the lily-white sheets with nothing on at all

Oh, Sir!……. etc.
As she lay between the lily-white sheets with nothing on at all

Oh!…….. etc.
As she lay between the lily-white sheets with nothing on at all

The girls can get so much innuendo into the later verses that they make you cringe……!

I saw a bird (This one’s a gross one…..)
A repeat-after-me song therefore dead easy to teach

I saw a bird … (I saw a bird..)
With a yellow bill … (with a ... )
It landed on … (It landed on.)
My window sill …………(etc.)
I coaxed it in …………… With a piece of bread ……….
And then I bashed ………………It on the head.

I saw a bird …………. (I saw a bird)
With a yellow bill ……..… (with a ... )
It landed on …………….. my window sill …………..
I coaxed it in …………… with a lump of cheese ……….
And then I whacked …………. Its little knees………..

I saw a bird ………..… (I saw a bird)
With a yellow bill …………… (with a ... )
It landed on …………….. my window sill …………..
I coaxed it in …………… plate of spaghetti…
Then I cut off its wings ..with my little machete.

I saw a bird … …..(I saw a bird)
With a yellow bill …….. (with a ... )
It landed on …………….. my window sill …………..
I coaxed it in ……………with a Spice Girls poster..
And then I put it ……..in the pop-up toaster.

I saw a bird ……… (I saw a bird)
With a yellow bill …….. (with a ... )
It landed on …………….. my window sill …………..
I coaxed it in …………… with a can of Tizer ……
And then I put it….. ……..in the liquidiser.

I saw a bird ……….. (I saw a bird)
With a yellow bill ………… (with a ……….. )
It landed on …………….. my window sill …………..
I coaxed it in …………… with some Chicken Chow Mein, ………
Put a straw up its nose, …….. and sucked out its brain…………..
The Little Green Frog
Another gross version of an old favourite!

"Mm-mm!" went the little green frog one day,
"Mm-mm!" went the little green frog one day,
"Mm-mm!" went the little green frog one day,
And the little green frog went "Mm-mm-ah!"

But we know frogs go "La-di-da-di-da,
La-di-dah-di-dah, La-di-da-di-da,"
We know frogs go "La-di-da-di-da,
La-di-dah-di-dah, La-di-da-di-da,"
They don’t go "Mm-mm-ah!"

"Mm-mm!" went the little green frog one day,
"Mm-mm!" went the little green frog one day,
"Mm-mm!" went the little green frog one day,
And the little green frog went "Mm-mm-ah!"

But we know frogs go "Splat!" when you stand on them,
"Splat!" when you stand on them,
"Splat!" when you stand on them,
We know frogs go "Splat!" when you stand on them,
They don’t go "Mm-mm-ah!"

"Mm-mm!" went the little green frog one day, etc..
But we know frogs go Squish!" on the motorway…..
They don’t go "Mm-mm-ah!"

But we know frogs go "Bdump!" when you run over them,
….. They don’t go "Mm-mm-ah!"

But we know frogs go "Pop!" in the microwave,
….. They don’t go "Mm-mm-ah!"

But we know frogs go "Whizzzz!" in the blender,
….. They don’t go "Mm-mm-ah!"

Lulu had a baby

Lulu had a baby,
She called him Sonny Jim
She put him in the bathtub
To see if he could swim.
He sank right to the bottom
Then floated to the top
So Lulu got excited
And caught him by the
"Cockles and mussels, alive-alive-oh!"

Charlie Had a Pigeon
To a tune I learnt at school as "Ach, du lieber Augustin"

Charlie had a pigeon, a pigeon, a pigeon;
Charlie had a pigeon, a pigeon that flew.
It flew in the morning and flew in the night,
And when it came back it was covered in
Charlie had a pigeon, a pigeon, a pigeon,
Charlie had a pigeon, a pigeon that flew….

Baby Bumble Bee
(Just in case there’s ANYBODY who doesn’t know it….)

I found a little baby bumble bee:
Won’t my mummy be EVER so proud of me;
I found a little baby bumble bee:
Ooh! Look, pretty!

I’m picking up a baby bumble bee,
Won’t my mummy be EVER so proud of me;
I’m picking up a baby bumble bee:
Ow! It stung me!

I’m SQUISHING up the baby bumble bee,
Won’t my mummy be EVER so proud of me;
I’m SQUISHING up the baby bumble bee,
Eugh! All sticky!

I’m licking up the baby bumble bee,
Won’t my mummy be EVER so proud of me;
I’m licking up the baby bumble bee:
Ooh, I feel SICK!

I’m SICKING up the baby bumble bee,
Won’t my mummy be EVER so proud of me;
I’m SICKING up the baby bumble bee:
Hey! Look! Carrots!

I’m cleaning up the baby bumble bee,
Won’t my mummy be EVER so proud of me;
I’m cleaning up the baby bumble bee:
Look - All gone!