For
Gawdsake
Don't Take Me!
The Songs, Ballads, Verses, Monologues, etc.
of the Call-Up Years, 1939-1963
Edited by Martin Page
Illustrated by Bill Tidy
Hart-Davis, MacGibbon London
Granada Publishing Limited
First published in Great Britain 1976 by Hart-Davis, MacGibbon Ltd
Frogmore, St Albans, Hertfordshire AL2 2NF and
3 Upper James Street, London W1R 4BP
This anthology © 1976 by Martin Page
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be
reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted,
in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying,
recording or otherwise, without the prior permission
of the publisher.
isbn 0 246 10859 2
Filmset in Photon Imprint 11 on 13 pt by
Richard Clay (The Chaucer Press), Ltd, Bungay, Suffolk
and printed in Great Britain by
Fletcher & Son Ltd, Norwich
Index of Titles
A Day in the Life of a Squaddy 32
Aden 94
A Night in Germany - 1944 52
'Ardship 128
'Arpin' 125
A Soldier. His Prayer 62
Aubrey Poop, a victim of wander-lust
and his brother St John, who wisely
stayed at home 174
Aunt Mathilda's Advice Corner 86
Barrack-Room Intelligence 166
Barracuda II 70
Blighty 177
Bumph 161
Carlisle 27
Censorship \ 85
Christmas in Cairo 60
Cobbers 27
Colonel Fiennes, whose disbelief in
modern weapons was his undoing 172
Confidential 90
Corporal, Acting, Unpaid, Lance 155
Daniel and the King 130
Dear John 86
Dirty Gertie 104
Divorce Lawyer's Limerick 91
Drill's the Thing 117
Fairey! Fairey! 73
Forces Food 158
For Gawdsake don't take me! 23
For Honour and for Her! 81
Forty-nine and in the Army 26
Generals ride in Cars 157
Gratitude 139
Home Leave from the Desert 179
I'm Dreaming of a White Mistress 96
Iceland 164
I don't want my name on a Cenotaph 28
If 118
In Italy, 1944 57
Ivan Skavinsky Skavaar 108
I wanna go Home 25
Liberty! 139
Mary Fry, whose carelessness cut short a
promising career in espionage 173
Mersa Matruh 109
Middle Eastern Law Notes 88
Moving On 148
My Love has a Pip on her Shoulder 92
Never go to Mersa 56
No Balls at All 101
Of General Brett, who chbse the wrong
moment to be rude 175
Old Iron 71
Onward, Conscript Soldiers! 24
Our Jim 41
Our Mess on the Hill 150
Professor Voles, a Scientist who was
only too successful 170
Riposte 58
Sergeant-Majors 161
Shark Pie 184
Special Instructions to Fire Watchers 183
Stella! 82
Such a Fucking Crate 72
Thank God for the Red Army 138
Thanks for the Memory! 73
That Bastard Syngman Rhee 147
The Anthem of the Ministry of Fuel and
Power 182
The Army Dance 105
The Aussie's Lament at Port Moresby 164
The Ball of Kirriemuir 98
The Banks of the Imjin 152
The Bar-Room Cads 54
The Blood on the Hills of Korea 147
The Christmas Pud 45
The East 59
The Fucking Mail Run 83
The Fucking Thing was Ours 42
The Fuzzy-Wuzzy Angels 65
The Home Guard Song 183
The Menagerie 124
The Military Police Psalm (Korea) 151
The National Servicemen's Anthem 29
The Sergeant 162
The Ten Commandments 153
They're pulling down the Pub 131
37th Squadron Song 76
This Old Hat of Mine 123
330th Squadron Song 75
Tiger Lil 104
Tommy 184
Trooper 107
Troopship to Malta 50
Uncle Joe 137
Unidentified Objects 68
What Did You Join the Army For? 24
What is a Soldier? 185
Why? 59
Why not forget it? 92
Willie 184
Won't it be Wonderful 112
You can't fuck Farida if you don't pay
Farouk 102
Young Albert 43
Index of First Lines
A certain statement caught my eye 139
Another Heinkel hit the dust, or rather
hit the sea 41
Any old iron! Any old iron! Any any any
old iron! 71
Ashes to ashes and dust to dust 165
'A soldier is a nobody,' 185
At Buckingham Palace, in London 43
By the northern deep sea waters 50
Call up the Army and the Navy! 23
Come to the cookhouse door, boys 165
Deeply I sleep, or do I - I wonder - 32
Descend, O Muse, from Pelion's rocky
height 155
Dirty Gertie from Bizerte 104
Down the flights each fucking morning 83
Do you remember the night that we met 92
Drunk last night, drunk the night before 183
English girls with eager lips 112
Even in India, General Brett 175
Fairey! Fairey! Give me your answer do 73
First came the colonel's wife 99
First there came the general's wife 105
Forty-nine and in the army 26
How I hate the fucking Army (Air
Force/Navy) 30
How many fish and poultry shops 184
I do not like the sergeant's face 162
If it's heat that you require 182
If there's any two things that I can't
stand 148
If there's a trip one way, he said 27
If you can fold a greatcoat 118
I'm dreaming of a white mistress 96
In Oxford, if you poke around 170
In this race for memoranda it is man-
ifestly plain 90
I often think, dear God why 59
It's a man's place in this desert 179
It's called the Barracuda 72
It was in a Maala backstreet 94
James Denning, a lawyer at Bone 91
Many a mother in Australia, when the
busy day is done 66
Me Christmas spirit's burning dim and
me Christmas cheque is slim 60
*Now don't get up,' the sergeant said 162
Now the Colonel's brow was sad, and
the Colonel's language low 45
Oh a little bit of shit fell from the sky
one day 165
Oh Hitler's a non-smoker, and Churchill
smokes cigars 137
Oh I don't want my name on a cenotaph 28
Oh we're all black bastards, but we do
love our king 102
One day, Private Sarky, brave and bold 139
Onward conscript soldiers, marching as
to war! 24
Our Sergeant-Major's got a crown upon
his arm 161
Our SMO, one Colonel Fiennes 172
Outside the moon is riding high 52
Seven seedy bomber types came along to
Saxonby 75
Somewhere a woman, thrusting fear away 81
Stay with me, God. The night is dark 64
Thanks for the memory 73
The colonel's wife was dressing, a-
dressing for a ball 107
The dearest wish of Mary Fry 173
The eighty-eights they whistle by 57
The harems of Egypt were great to behold 108
The man-eating mossies of Moresby 164
The night of the wedding she got into bed 101
The night was dark and stormy 42
'Then join the ASC,' he says 58
The REDCAP is my shepherd 151
There's a tavern in the town in Matruh 109
There is blood on the hills of Korea 147
They're pulling down the old pub! 131
They say that Carlisle is a marvellous place 27
They say that in the army 25
This is the tale of the Gremlins 68
Tis down by the shores of the Imjin 152
Tommy, for his evening game 184
Tommy thinks he holds Tobruk 138
'Twas coming from Gazala that 82
Twas the witching hour of midnight 54
Under the fucking truck, chum 157
We are building a mess on the hill 150
We are the heavy bombers, we try to do
our bit 76
We eat the flies, we eat the shit 56
We have all heard of golden sands 59
We have heard about that island 177
We're Kensington boys from
Kensington Gore 164
We were young, we were gay, we were
lovers 92
What did you join the army for? 25
What man who is a man at all 174
When I was in New Zealand 147
When Mrs Malone got a letter from Pat 85
While battles rage and cannons roar 117
Willie, in his roguish way 184
With arms akimbo, there stands Tiger Lil 104
With reference to 161