The SPUD Hymnal (1971)

Below is The SPUD Hymnal (Him, Him, Fuck Him) raw OCR. If you wish to verify the text below, please download the PDF of the scanned pages. Compare this edition with the printed revised edition issued in 1992 and the 1994 PDF.

THIS IS A BEAUTIFUL WORK
OF FICTION
ANY RESEMS1ANCE TO ANY ACTUAL DATES, PLACES, OR
PEOPLE IX JUST TOUGH SHIT, SORRY ABOUT THAT,
THIS MAGNIFICENT SACRILEGIOUS DOCUMENT IS PUBLISHED
FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF BACK-STABBING, SLANDER,
MUCKRAKING, AND GENERAL HELL-RAISING, ANDS SHALL
HENCEFORTH BE KNOWN AS;

THE
SPUD
HYMNAL
(HIM, HIM, FUCK HIM)

(OR —A ' BR IEFTRORDCCrOMARK INC)
THE.SPUD TRADITION, BEGINNING IN 1965, IS A LONG AND PROUUD ONE, SINC1? THE

ARE NOT WINNING THE WAR AU BY OURSELVES. HOWEVER, ONCE UPON' A' TDffiTBEfORE "TOP-
HEAVY BUREAUCRACY JWD THE AIR FORCE STUCK THEIR THUMBS IN THE PIE, THE 131ST WAS
ALIX»TED TO ARM THEIR MOHAWKS,'" THIS LASTED, UNTIL "THE. BLQW-TORgH JOCK5t WHQ'^QANM
HIT A BULL IN THE BUTT VITHABASS t IQDLB, GOT A CASE OF tHE ASS. FIGURJNG THAT
SIKCE THEY COULDN'T ;TI? ANYTHING WJTH THEIR GUNS AND BOMBS, THEY'D BE DAMNED IF
THEY WOULD LET ANYBODY ELSE TRY TO t>6 IT FOR TKEK. THOSE WERE THE GLORIOUS DAYS .
WHEN SPUD DRIVERS WERE A BOLD LOT, AND DIED A LOT.
SINCE THE NEH NOffifc WAS' ALWAYS. jUPJSfcQFF THE SUpPL? SYSTEM AND. I5TIO ^HE
BUCK MARKET BEFORE IT GpT AS FAR,.N0TH AS. HUE/PHU BAI, PROUD.gAWK DRiyESS;V?R^
FORCED TO WEAR OLD REJECT. AIR FORCE GRAY FLIGHT SUIT:$\ WHICH VB DYED B^ACK TO
BETTER ^IDE GREASY CrRATION STAINS, THEN A COUPLE OF INCIDENTS FORCEJ3 A CHANCE
IN THIS SITUATION. FIRST WAS A SMALL MATTER OF AN IRON SPUD DRIVER AND MIS
FEARLESS TECH OBSERVER WHO WERE SHOT DO^N IN SO*£ DOWNRIGHT HOSTIIE COUNTRYSIDE
THE JOLLY GREENS (AIR FORCE RESCUE ^H53»ss) CAME IN TO PICK THEM UP AND NEARLY
SHOT THEM BOTE* SPOTTING THE BLACK CLOTHES. THE SECOND INCIDENT INVOLVED A
COLONEL WHO TOLD US THAT BUCK FLIC&T SUITS WOUID NOT BE WORN VKIIE FLYING THE
OV-l. OBVIOUSLY A NARROW MINDED BASTARD, PENCE THE REFERENCE TO "HO CRT MINK
WEARS NOME*1*. SEEING AS HOW THE NEW NOKEX, AFTER A FEW YSARS STILL HADN'T MADE
IT AS FAR FROM SAIGON AS PKU BAI, IT PUT A SCREAMING CRAMP ON GETTING ANY FLY-
ING DONE. HOWEVER, WHEN ALL APPEARED LOST, THE HAWK DRIVERS AND T.O.'s OF THE
131st CAME THROUGH IN GRAND TRADITIONAL STYIZ... TKEY STOI£ WHAT THEY KEEDED.
THIS MANEUVER PISSED OFF S0l€ SAIGON WARRIORS WHO WERE ABOUT TO SELL THE STUFF
ON T!^ Bl&CK MARKET,
. SO WHEN YOU SEE REFERENCES IN THE FOLLOWING PAGES TO GUNS, ROCKETS, BUCK
FLYING CLOTHES, USELESS SAIGON WARRIORS, AND iWORTHIESS ARM!? MANAGEMENT, YOU'LL
KNOW JUST WHAT IN THE WILD BILLY TOLL IS COMING OFF* ALSO, SOME OF THE INCI*
DENTS REUTED "EREIN ARE TRUE, BUT MANY ARE BUTANT LIES. TEE LANGUAGE USED
HEREIN IS SHOCKING TO THE FAINT AT HEART OR THE DELICATELY RAISED. BUT ALSO
INTERESTING. AND TOO, SO*£ SALTY O.V SAILOR OR DASHING BLOW TORCH JOCKY OR
CRUSTY SOLDIER WILL STAMP THE MUD OFF HIS BOOTS AND GROWL, "THAT AIN'T THE WAY
I 'JEERED IT." BUT THERE'LL BE A TWINKtE IN HIS EYE AND NO MALICED IN HIS STOUT
!JEART. THIS MISERABLE COUSCTION OF DISGUSTING FILTH SELLS FOR THE OUTRAGEOUS
SUM OF NOTHING—BUT THERE IS A CAN BESIDE !THE HYMTALS-- ANDVB'D APPRECIATE
IT IF YOU WOULD PUT IN A LITTLE CONTRIBUTION FOR THE NEWW ORPHANAGE THAT IS
BEING BUILT IN DA NANG.
CW£ PnOSSER
ILT KIUACKEY
SP5 MIUER
AND ALL OF THE SPUDS THAT CONTRIBUTED
THEIR TIME AND PIRTY MINDS TO THIS
UNDERJAKING.

TESTS ATO__ DEFINITIONS

RAVE YOU EVER LOOKED OVEB YOUR-EHA AVD ASKED YOURSELF, "I WONDER WHAT HE
JCANS BY THIS PHRASE?1' T7ELL PERHAPS THE FOLLOW IMG LIST WILL HELP,

TERM DEFINITION

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED, fc.*4..*.*.. AS COMMITTED NO MAJOR BLUNDERS TO DATE

ACTIVE SOCIALLY. ..*..*.........»«•***•».. DRINKS HEAVILY

CHARACTER AND INTEGRITY ABOVE REPROACH.k..STILL ONE STEP AHEAD OF THE LAW

ITIFB IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY.................. SHE DRINKS TOO

"EALOUS ATTITUDE. .............«•••*...*.. OPINIONATED

UNLIMITED POTENTIAL........••....••».»••* VUt RE TIKE C£ 12 KICKED OUT Shortly

CUICK THINKING......................*.♦.. OFFERS PLAUSIBIE EXCUES FOR-£X£ORS

EXCEPTIONAL FLYING ABILITY............*♦. HAS AN EOUAL NUMBER OF TAKE OFF1 AND
LANDINGS
TAKES PRIDE IN HIS WORK..................CONCEITED

TAHSS ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY
TO PROFRESS........................... BUY'S DRINKS FOR OIC AND NCOIC'S
7X>RCEFUL AND AGGRESSIVE...,.............ARGUMENTIVE

OUTSTANDING............................. FREQUENTLY IN THE RAIND

INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTIONS..............KNOWS MORE THAN SUPERVISORS

TACTFUL WHEN DEALING WITH SUFERVHSORS....'KNOWS WHEN TO KEEP HIS MOUTH SHUT

APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBIEMS WITH
ENTHUSIASM............................FINDS SOMEONE ELSE TO DO THE JOB
A KEEN ANALYST...........................THOROUGHLY CONFUSED

EXPRESSES HIMSELF f4ELL...................SPEAKS ENGLISH FLUENTLY

DEFINITLY NOT A DESK MAN.................DID NOT GO TO COLIECE

OSTEN SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB...... HAS A MISERABLE HOl€ LIFE

A TRUE SOUTHERN GENTLEMAN,.*.............A HILLBILLY

METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL.*;.....A NIT PICKER

DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF IEADERSHIP..... AS A LOUD VOICE

JUDGMENT IS USUALLY SOUND.......,........ LUCKY

MAINTAINS A PROFESSION ATTITUDE.........A SNOB

2

VEEN SENCE~OF HUMOR.•»•••••.............. AS A VAST REPERTOIRE OF JOKES

STRONG AD"ERENCE TO FRINCIFL2S...........STUBBORN

CAREER MINDED.............,..............-#ATES RESERVISTS

GETS ALONG EXTREtELY WELL WIT SUPERIORS
AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE..................A COWARD

AVERAGE OFFICER OR NCO...................NOT TOO BRIGHT

SLIOITLY BELOW AVERAGE...................STUPID

A VERY FINE OFFICER OF GREAT VALUE TO
THE SER VICE..........................USUALLY GETS TO WORK ON TI>£>

DEVELOPS A GOOD "TEAM FEELING" ♦..........4s EVERYBODY MAD AT KIM

OUTSTANDING ABILITY TO (ST THE MAXIMUM
OUT OF HIS >EN AND ALL AVAILABUE
RESOURCES...............................A SLAVEDRIVER

EXCEPTIONALLY EFFECTIVE IN THE UTILIZA-
TION OF RESOURCES....................... STINGY i

OUTSTANDING ABILITY TO COMMUNICATE
IDEAS TO OTHERS.........................'"EXT ASSIGJMNT —INSTRUCTOR DUTY AT
INDIAN HEAD

ACTIVELY SEEKS OUT ADDED RESPONSIBILITIES, BUCKING FOR PROMOTION OR JUST EEAIN
NOSY

CORRECTLY INTERPRETS RATHER DIFFICULT
INSTRUCTIONS,......♦....*............. SPELL IT OUT FOR HIM
3

MISSION DEBRIEF FORM
USED BY FEARLESS SPUD DRIVERS
DATE

MISSION NUMBER__________TIfiE ON TARGET______________
DID YOU FIND TARGET AREA (CHECK ONE) YES NO </o£Wru __.--------

THE AIRCRAFT FELL APART: BEFORE__________AFTER________TfJKE-OFF

DID YOU RECEIVE UNFRIENDLY FIRE: YES________NO______
ESTIMATED NUMBER OF ROUNDS_________ESTIMATED NUMBER OF HIST
CHECK ONE OF THE FOLLOWING:
AK-47-...... M-16________ SAM-2_________ MIG-19_______
MORTARS_______ 52CAL________ SAM-7_________ MID 21_____m^
23MM__________ 57MM_________ SAM-4_________ OTHER
85MM__________ 100MM________ MIG 17________ ALL THE ABOVE
(SEE LIST ABOVE)
STRUTS FLAT
BUTTS FLAT_______
BEERS FLAT_______
PILOT DRUNK______
AUTO PdLOT SLAVED TO
F M RADIO______
WHY DID YOUR ABORT: EXPLAIN ALL IN DETAIL:
WEATHER_____
GROUND FIRE________
T.O. MISSING_______
PILOT MISSING______
AIRPLANE MISSING_______
ENGINES WON'T START_____
PILOT DEAD DRUNK_________
ADF WILL NOT TUNE AFVN
OTHER
DID YOU RECEIVE FRIENDLY FIRE YES______ NO.
£>|4 -\\Ut *\t> fits /»/■ iO- K.------- Jl
AIRCRAFT PROBLIMS ( CHECK APPROPRUTE ITEM)
SENSOR MAL
ENGINE(S) INOP____
ENGINE(S) MISSING
EXCESS BULLET OR "
SHRAPNEL DAMAGE
PILOT OVER-VOLTAGE
LIGHT STAYS ON_____
PANIC BUTTON INOP
TO EJECTION SEAT_____
AND CANOPY MISSIONG__
UPPER FIRING HANDLE
FAILED IN FLIGHT ,
HYDRAULIC FAILHRE___
LIFE RAFT DEPLOYED
INSIDE COCKPIT______
TIRES FLAT________
5

PHU BAI G C A

THIS IS THE TRUE STORY OF AN EPISODE IN THE LIFE OF A YOUNG SPUD PILOT.

"MISS SMITH WAS BORN IN 1912 AND SHE LOST HER FATHER IN THE FIRST WORLD
WAR... HER MOTHER MANAGED TO KEEP THE FAMILY TOGETHER AND KISS SMITH GOT
MARRIED IN 1939 AND BECAM MRS JONES, MR JONES BECOME SERGEANT JONES AND WENT
TO WAR AND IN TWO YEARS MRS JONES GOT A TELEGRAM TELLING HER THAT SHE WAS NOW
THE BIDOW JONES... WELL THE WIDOW JONES STRUGGIED AND KEPT HER FAMILY AND WHEN
HER SON JOHNNY GREW UP HE JOINED THE ARMY AND WENT INTO ARNY AVIATION... THEN
HE WENT TO VIET NAM AND BECAME A SPUD... EVERY DAY THE WIDDOW JONES BENT TO
THE MAILBOX AND PULLED OUT A LETTER FROM JOHNNY... THE ONE DAY THE IETTER DHDN't
COM!...THE NEXT DAY THERE WAS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR 'KNOCK, KNOCK' THE; WIDOW JONES
WENT TO THE DOOR AND THERE STOOD A MAN IN UNIFORM..."OH WONDERFBL" THE WIDOW
JONES DID SAY " YOU MUST BE THE NEW POSTMAN WITH A IETTER FROM MY SON". "NO
MADAM, THIS IS A RATHER SPECIAL TEIEGRAM" THE MAN IN UNIFORM SAID. "OH, I
KNOW ITS A SINGING TEEEGRAM, A SINGING TEIZGRAM FROM MB SON." " WELL, MA'AM
IT'S NOT EXACTLY A SINGING TELEGRAM" THE MAN IN UNIFORM SAID. "OH YES, I
JUST KNOW THAT ITS A SINGING TE IE GRAM---PLEASE MR TELEGRAM MAN SING .ME MY
TE INGRAM..."
AND THIS IS BHAT THE MAN IN UNIFORM SANG: *

YOUR SON IS DEAD, THEY SAY—HE BOUGHT THE FARM TODAY,
HE GOT BELOW GLIDESLOPE ON THE PHU BAI G C A
AND NOW HE'S ON THE GROUND, HEft SORT OF SPREAD AROUND
WHAT.,..MORE...CAN....I ...SAY,...
(CHORUS)
YOUR...SONS COMIN HOME IN A BODY BAG, DOO DAH, DOO DAH
YOHR SONS COMING HOME IN A BODY BAG, DOO DAH, DOO DAH DAY
SHOT THROUGH THE HEAD—THAT MOTHERFUCKERS DEAD
YOUR SONS COMING HOME IN A BOOK BAG, OH DOO DAH DAY

AND THE GRIEVING WIDOW SAID " HOW DID MY SON GO?"
STRAIGHT DOWN 1

"WELL, WHAT WAS MY SON DOING?"
300 KNOTS;
(CHORUS)
WILL L'VE GOT A JOB IN THE ONE THIRTY FIRST, DOO DAH, DOO DAH,
I'M TAKING BETS ON WHO'LL DIE FIRST, OH, DOO DAH DAY
WILL IT BE IR? NO, PERHAPS ITS SLAR,
YOUR SONS COMING HOIE IN A BODY BAG, ALL THE DOO DAH DAY

DON'T WRAP »EM, BAG «EM1» IN BAGGIES!!!
(a

MARB1E MOUNTAIN BLUES

(TUNE OF "ORANCS BLOSSOM SPECIAL)

WELL, I HEAR THAT PLANE A-IIAVING, IT JUST FT£W ROUND THE BEND
I AIN'T SEEN THE WORKD SINCE I DON'T RE1-EMBER WHEN
WELL, I'M STUCKAT MARBLE MOUNTAIN, AND TIME KEEPS DRAGGIN' ON,
I SEE THAT PLANE A-IZAVINC, flEADED DOWN TO OLD SAIGON,

WELL, JUST WHEN I WAS EIGHTEEN, M* MAMMA SAID, "HEY SON
DON'T GO INTO THE ARMY, AND YOUR WON'T WIND UP IN 'NAM,
WELL, I WENT ON AND ENLISTED, GUESS WHERE I AM TODAY,
NOW I WISH THAT C-130, WOULD CARRY MY BLUES AWAY?

WELL, IF THEY FREED J£ FROM OLD MARBLE, IF THAT 130 WAS MIW,
YOU CAN BET I'D FLY IT ON A WHOIE LOT FARTHER DOWN TIE LINE,
WELL, AS FAR FROM MARBLE MOUNTAIN, THAT'S WHERE I WANT TO STAY-
AMD I£T THAT SEVEN FORTY SEVEN, TAKE JE TO THE USA.

WELL, I'LL BET HY BROTHER'S DRIVIN' A BRAND NEW SHINY VETTE,
WHI1E I'M STUCK HERE AT MARBI£» GETTIN' MY ASS SOAKING WET
WELL, I'M STUCK AT MARBIZ MOUNTAIN AND THAT'AS WHERE I'LL REMAEH
TILL THAT SEVEN FORTY SEVEN, TAKES *£ TO THE USA.
I DON'T WANT TO ifolR THE ARMY

OH, I DON'T WANT TO JOIN THE ARMV, I DON*T WANT TO GO TO WAR,
I WOULD RATHER HANG AROUNB THE PICCADILLY UNDERGROUND,
LIVIN' OFF THE EARNINGS OF A HIGH CUSS LADY,

I DON'T WANT A BULIZT UP >E ARSE-HOIZ, I DON'T WANT *£ BUTTOCKS SHOT AWAAY
I'D RATHER STAY IN LONDON, IN BLWEY, BLIMEY LONDON,
AND FORNICATE h£ BLOOMIN' LIFE AWAY, OF BLIJEY

MONDAY I GRABBED HER BY THE ANKI£S, TUESDAY I GRABBED HER BY THE KNEE,
WEDNESDAY WITH GREAT SUCCESS, I FINAIXY LIFTED UP HER DRESS,
THURSDAY I GRABBED HER BY THE THIGH, YIGH, YIGH, YIGH,
FRIDAY I GOT m HANDS UPON IT , SATURDAY I GAVE IT JUST A TWEEK,TWEEK, TWEEK
AND SUNDAY AFTER SUPPER, I RAMMED THE OLD SOU UP HER,
HHD NOW SHE'S GAININ' SEVEN POUNDS A WEEK'. OH BLIIEY.

I DON'T WANT TO JOIN THE ARMY, I DON'T WANT TO GO TO WAR,"
I WOULD RATHER HANG AROUND, THE PICCADILLY UNDERGROUND,
LIVIN' OFF THE EARNIN'S OF A HIGH CLASS LADY,
I DON'T WANT A BULLET UP HS ARSE-H3LE, I DON'T WANT >£ BUTTOCKS SHOT AWAY,
I'D RATHER STAY IN MARBIE, IN BLOODY BLOODY MARB1£»—
A8B MASTERBATE MI BLOOMIN LIFE AWAY....
7

TriS TAITD IS YOUR LAND

THIS LAND IS YOUR LAND, IT'S SURE NOT MY LAND
FROM THE MEKONG DELTA, TO THE CENTRAL HIGHLANDS
FROM THE SSEAMING JUNGLES, TO THE GULF OF TONKIN
THIS LAND WAS MADE FOR ¥OU NOT *£

THIS LAND IS OUR LAND, IT'S SURE NOT M LAND
IF THIS WAS MY LAND, I'D MAKE IT WASTELAND
I'D GET UP WAY HIGH, AND WATCH THE DINKS FLY
THIS LAND WAS MADE FOR YOU NOT ME'.
"NO MDHAWK PILOTS"

OH THERE ARE NO MOHAWK PILOTS IN THE STATES,
OH THERE ARE NO MOHAWK PILOTS IN THE STATES,
THEY'RE ALL ON FOREIGN SHORES-MAKING M3THERS OUT OF WHORES
THERE ARE NO MOHAWK PILOTS IN THE STATES.

OH THERE ARE NO MOHAWK PILOTS IN CKN THO,
OH THERE ARE NO MOHAWK PILOTS IN CAN THO,
THE PLACE IS FULL OF QUEERS, DRESSED IN PANTIES AND BRASSIERES,
OF THERE ARE NO MOHAWK PILOTS IN CAN THO.

OH THERE ARE ANO MOHAWK PILOTS IN OTNG TAU,
OH THERE ARE NO MOHAWK PILOTS IN VUNG TAU,
THEY'RE IN THE U.S.O., WEARING W0>£N'S FANCY CLOTHES,
OH THERE ARE NO MOHAWK PILOTS IN VUNG TAU,

OH THERE ARE NO MOHAWK PILOTS IN PHU HIEP,
OH THERE ARENO MOHAWK PILOTS IN PHU HIEP,
OH YES THEY FIGHT THE WAR, FROM THEIR MILLION DOLLAR BAR,
OH THERE ARE NO MOHAWK PILOTS IN HHU HIEP.

OH THERE ARE NO MOHAWK PILOTS IN LONG THANH,
OH THERE ARE NO MOHAWK PIllOTS IN LONG THANH,
THERE'S JUST A M0TI£Y MOB-WITH A SILLY FUCKING JOB,
OH THERE ARE NO MOHAWK PILOTS IN LONG THANH.

OH THER ARE NO MOHAWK PILOTS IN PHU BAI,
OH THERE ARE NO MOHAWK PILOTS IN PHU BAI,
NO LONGER COULD THEY DALLY-AFTER THEY BURN OUT PISS VALLEY,
OH THERE ARE NO MORE MOKAWK PILOTS IN PHU BAI.
t

(NO K)RE JOHAWK PILOTS—CONT)

THERE*S A BUNCH OF SHAGGY TECH REPS IN DA NANG,
THERE'S A BUNCH OF SHAGGY TECH REPS IN DA NANG,
THEY SIT AROUND AND 3ROOD-AB0UT THE RISING COST OF FOOD,
THERE»SA BUNCH OF SHAGGY TECH REPS IN DA NANG.

THERE ARE A BUNCH OF MDHAWK PILOTS IN DA NANG,
THERE ARE A BUNCH OF MOHAWK PILOTS IN DA NANG,
THEIR BALLS ARE RKTHER BIG-THEY SAY FUCK THE SAMS AND THE MIGH,
THERE ARE A BUNCH OF M3HAWK PILOTS IN DA NANG.

THE ANGELS IN THE WAR FLY IN THE SOUTH,
THE ANGELS IN THE WAR FLY IN THE SOUTN,
SPUDS FLY THROUGH FLAK AND LEAD-WHERE THE ANGELS FEAR TO TREAD,
THE ANGELS IN THE WAR FLY WAAAY DOWN SOUTH.
TCHEPONE

I WAS HANGING AROUND OPS, JUST WASTING MY TI>£,
OFF OF THE SCHEDULE, NOT EARNING A DIKE,
WHEN A MAJOR STEPS UP, AND HE SAYS I SUPPOSE,
YOU FLY A MDHAWK FROM YOUR BUCK FLYING CLOTHES,
WELL YOU FIGURES ME RIGHT SIR, I'M A GOOD ONE I SAY,
DO YOU HAPPEN TO HAVE VE A MISSION TODAY?
HE SAYS YES I HAVE, IT'S A REAL EASY ONE,,
BO SWEAT MY BOY, ITS AN OLD TIME MIKK RUN.

WELL I GETS ALL EXCITED AND I ASKS WHERE ITS AT,
HE GIVES m A WINK AND A TIB OF HIS HAT,
IT'S TWO EIGHT ZERO, AND NINETY FROM HOhE,
A SMALL PEACEFUL HAMLET THAT'S KNOWN AS TCHEPONE.

"OH YOU'LL SURE LIKE TCHEPONE"

I PUTS ON MY HARNES, AND I STRAPS ON MY GUN,
WIRH HELhET AND GLOVES, OUT THE DOOR ON THE RUN,
I FIRES UP MY M3HAWK AND TAKES TO THE AIR,
TWO LOCKED IN TIGHT, WE HAVEN'T A CARE.

IN TWENTY FIVE MINUTES WE'RE OVER THAT TOWN,
FROM EIGHT POINT FIVE THOUSAND WE'RE LOOKING AROUND,
PUSH IN THE BREAKERS AND DIAL IN THE MILS,
RACK UP MY WING AND GO IN FOR THE KILL.

I FEEL A BIT SORRY FOR FOLKB DOWN BELOW,
OF DESTRUCTION THAT'S COMING THEY SURELY DONT KNOW,
BUT THE THOUGHT PASSES QUICKLY, WE KNOW WAR IS ON,
DOWNWARD WE SCREAM TOWARD THAT TOWN CALLED TCHEPONE.
\

"TCHEPONE" (CANT)

"UNSUSPECTING, PEACEFUL TCHEPONE"

MY PANELS ALL HOT, AND THE PIPPER'S JUST RIGHT,
I PICKLES A COUPIE, I LAYS BM IN TIGHT,
I PICKIES THOSE BEAUTIES FROM TOO POINT FIVE GRAND
STARTED MY PULLUP WHEN THE SHIT HIT THE FAN.

THERE'S AN AIR BURST IN FRONT, AND TWO OFF TO MY RIGHT
THERE'S EIGHT OR TEN OTHERS, I SUCKS IT UP TIGHT,
THERE'S SMALL ARMS, THERE'S TRACER, THERE'S HEAVY ACK-ACK,
IT'S SCATTERED TO BROKEN IN ALL KINDS OF FLAK.
WEE I JINXED TO THE IEBT, AND PULLS UP TOWARD THE BLUE
MY WING MAN SAYS::I£AD, THEY'RE SHOOTING AT YOU"
"NO SHIT" I CR Y AS I POINTS IT TOWARD H01£,
STILL COMES THE FIRE FROM THAT TOWN GALLED TCHEPONE.

"DIRTY, DEADLY TCHEPONE"

I GETS BACK TO MARBIE, SIX HOIES IN MY BIRD,
WITH THAT MAJOR WHO SENT *£, I'D SURE LIKE A WORD,
BUT HE'S NOWHERE AROUND, THOUGH I LOOK NEAR AND FAR,
THEY SENT HIM TO SAIGON TO HELP WIN THE WAR.

V7ZLL I'VE BEEN ROUND THIS COUNTRY FOR MANY A DAY
I'VE SEEN ALL THE SHIT THAT THEY'RE THROWING MY WAY,
BUT I'LL BET ALL MY FLIGHT PAY THE KAWK JOCK'S NOT BORN,
WHO CAN KEEP ALLA HIS COOL FLYING OVER TCHEPONE.

"NO DON'T GO TO TCHEPONE"
SAM, SAM

SAM, SAM, THE LAVATORY MAN,
WEIi:H5ES BEE CHIEF INSPECTOR OF THE PUBLIC CAN,
HE BRINGS IN THE PAPER, AND HE BRINGS IN THE TOWELS
AND HE LISTENS TO THE RUMBIE OF THE PEOPIE'S BOWELS.

WELL DOWN, DOWN, DEEP INTHE GROUND
WELL A HEAR THOSE TURDS COhE A TUMBALIN DOWN,
WELL ITS FLIP, FLOP HEAR THEM DROP,
SAMS GOT THE SHIT HOUSE BIBES----DA DA DADADA, SAMS GOT THE S.H. BLUEB.
10

SAVE A MOHAWK PILOT'S ASS

WELL I WAS CRUISING DOWN THE itsKDNG DOING TWO AND TWENTY PER
A CALL CAME FROM MY T.O. HE SAID "WON'T YOU SAVE US SIR
WE GOT FLAK HOLES IN OUR DROP TANKS, WE'RE ALMOST OUT OF GAS,
MAYDAY-WVYDAY-MAYDAY-WE GOT SIX MIGS ON OUR AEE"

CHORUS:

HALLELUJA, HALLELUJA
THROW A NICKEL ON THE GRASS,
SAVE A MOHAWK PILOT'S ASS
HALLELUJA, HALLELUJA
THROW A NICKEL ON THE GRASS
AND YOU'LL BE SAVED'.

I SHOT MY TRAFFIC PATTERN, TO h£ IT LOOKED ALL RIGHT
THE AIRSPEED READ 100, I REALLY RACKED IT TIGHT
THE AIRFRAME GAVE A SHUDDER, AND THE ENGIVES GAVE A WHEEZE
MVYDAY-MAYDAY-MAYDAY^ SPIN INSTRUCTIONS PIDASE.

(CHORUS)

THEY SENT ME OUT TO ATTAPO, THE BRIEF SAID NO ACK-ACK
BY THE TIFE THAT I ARRIVED THERE, MY WINGS WERE MOSTLY FLAK,
I FELT THE AIRFRAME SHUDDER, I WAS T(ffO YOUNG TO DIE.

(CHORUS)

SPLIT S ON MY GUN RUN, I GOT TOO GODDAMNED LOW
L LINED THAT LITTLE PIPPER UP, AND LET THOSE BAGIES GO,
I SUCKED THE STICK BACK SHARPLY, KBD I HIT A HIGH SPEED STALL,
NOW I WON'T SEE M¥ MOTHER WHEN THE WORK'S ALL DONE THIS FALL,

(CHORUS)

THEY SENT ME OUT TO SARAVEEN, I HAD TO LEAVE THE PLANE
I EVADED ALL THAT NIGHT AND DAY, TILL I WAS SSJE AGAIN,
I OHSNED MY SURVIVAL KIT TO SEE WHAT WAS IN IT—
THAT GODDAMNED CAPT SMITH, HAD FILLED IT UP WITH SHIT!
(CHORUS)
//

tk: eallad of the spuds

SCREAMING MDHAVKS IN THE SltY
DRUNKEN PILOTS, WITH BLOODSHOT EYES
KUORS, CAPTAINS, ALL WARRANTS TOO
THESE ARE JEN, THE M3HAWK CREB

(CHORUS)

PILOT WINGS UPON THEIR CHESST
lESAEDHaFKrEKHOlPBnffHEffS'IBDNKHBHEY'RE BEST
I DOTTST'TF'ONS COULD FLY A KITE

*£N WHO L3VE OFF NATURE'S LAND
THAT IS IF NATURE IS IN THAILAND
ONE HUNDRED TRIPS, THEY M&KE EACH MONTH
FOR A PIECE OF ASS, AND A STEAK FBR LUNCH

CHOROUS

BACK AT HOM2 ARE WIVES ALONE
THEY PRAY THEIR HUSBANDS WILL MAKE IT HOKE
IF THE* KNEW HOW THESE GUYS FLY
THEYfD GET INSURANCE, ALL THEY COULD BUY

CHOROUS

PILOTS OF THE ONE THIRTY FIRST
THESE ARE MEN, AMERICA'S WORST
THREE HUNDRED WIN, AND ALL ARE DUDS
THEY MAKE SHE CREW OF THE SHIT HOT SPUDS

CHOROUS
a

TVS HELICOPTER MAN

WELL HE STOMPED INTO OFERATIOITS WITIT A SNEER UPON HIS FACE,
SLAMMED THE DOOR AND GMRED AROUND, JUST LIKE HE OWNED THE PLACE
HE HOLLERED FOR A COFFEE OUR, AND A FEN TO FII£ A PLAN,
WE KJEW FROM HIS SEEDY LOOK—HE WAS A HELICOPTER MAN.

WEEL HE RAN RIGHT OUT AND CRANKED IT UP, THEY DON'T PREFLIGRT THAT BIRD
HE FIRED UP AND DROVE AWAY AND THAT'S THE IAST WE HEARD
SO>EWHERE HE'S OUT THERE SWEARIN THAT WE SABOTAUGED HIS FAN—
A TYPICAL TRUCK DRIVER—HE'S A HELICOPTER MM*.

WELL HE LANDED IN THE PADDIES, AND HE ENDED UP ALL WET,
HE WISHED INSTEAD OF CHOPPERS, HE HAD IEARNED TO FLY A JET.
HE RANTED RAVED AND BLUSTEREDTOO, HE FRETTED FU1-ED ANDFUSSED, "
IE WEPT, HE SIGHED, HE BAWIED, HE CRIED, HE YELLED AND SCREA^D AND CUSSED.

THEN FROM THE TREETOP IEVEL, HE HEARD A FUNNY NOISE,
HE REALIZED HIS SCREAMS HAD BROUGHT----THE FAITHFUL MDHAWK BOYS.
HE SMILED AND WAVED, AND YELLED AND CALLED MANY LOUD AHOYS
TILL THEY PICKED HIM UP AND PACKED HIM OFF TO HIS LITTI£ HUEY TOYS
NOW IF YOU WANT TO FLS MY FRIERD, NOW HERE'S A WORD FBR YOU,
DON'T FLY NO SILLY CHOPPER—GO INTO A M3HAWK CREW
AND THEN BE ON THE LOOHJUT WHEN YOU'RE FLYdNG IN THE LAND
FOR DOWN THERE WAVIN' MADLY IS A HELICOPTER MAN.
M\RBI£

MARBIZ, OH MARBLES A HELL OF A PLACE
THE ORGANIZATIONS A FUCKING DISGRACE
WITH CAPTAINS AND MAJORS, AND LIGHT COLONELS TOO
THEIR THUMBS UP THEIR ASS HOI£S WIAH NOTHING TO DO
THEY STAND ON THE RUNWAY, THEY SCREAM AND THEY SHOUT
ABOUT MANY THINGS THEY KNOW NOTHING ABOUT
IOR ALL THEY ARE DOING, THEY MIGHT AB WELL BE —
SHOVELLING SHIT IN THE SOUTH CHINA SEA

RING DING A DING DING, BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS,
BETTER DAYS ARE COMING BYE AND BYE—BULLSHIT!
OH YOU'LL WONDER THERE TIE YEIXOW WENT—WHEN THE NAPAIil HISTS THE ORIEWT
HO CHI MINH WEARS NOMEX—POSTHUMDUSLY!!

THE RUIES OF ENGAGEhENT ARE MIGHTY STRANGE TOO,
YOU CANT SHOOT THEM BASTARDS--TILL THEY SHOOT AT UOU
THE SKIES THAT WE FLY THROUGH ARE FILLED UP WITH FLAK
WE DONT HSVE PERMISSION—SO WE CANT SHOOT BACK
THEY GAVE *£ PERMISSION, BUT ITS NOT MUCH FUN
THEY GAVE JE A CIEARANCE—AND TOOK OFF MY GUNS
ITS REALLY AMAZING—HOW EVERYONE THINKS
YOU MUST JOHN THE AIR FORCE BEFORE YOU KILL DINKS.
13

OPE TO THE GRUMMAN OV-1
(GRUMMAN »S ULTRA HOG)
TUNE: WABASH CANNONBALL

LISTEN TO THE RATTIE, THE GRUNTIN AND THE WHEEZE,
AS SHE ROLLS ALONG OLD MARBLE, BY THE SAND AND BY THE TKEES,
IEAR THE MIGHTY ROARIN' ENGINES, AS YOU IEAP INTO THE FOG,
YOU'RE FLYIN' THROUGH MIG COUNTRY IN THE GRUMMAN ULTRA HOG.

HERE'S TO MACNAMARA, HIS *^E WILL ALWAYS SMXL,
HE'LL ALWAYS BE REMIMBERED DOWN IN M3HAWK PILOTS" HELL,
HE FRAGS OUT ALL OUR TARGETS, UE PUNDH OUT AND WE RUN,
HE SENDS US INTO COMBAT IN, THE GRUMMAN OV-1

OR-CAhE UP FROM OLD MARBIE, ONE SffEAMY SUMMER DAY,
AS VE'ER MAPPING UP OUR TARGET, YOU COUED HEAR THE T.O, SAY,
»SHE;S BIG AND GAT AND UGLY, SHE'S REALLY QUITE A DOG,
SHE'S KNOWN AROUND MIG COUNTRY AS THE GRUMMAN ULTRA HOG."
ODE TO SHIT-HOT SPUD WIVES

ILLOVE MY WIFE, YES I DO , YES I DO, I LOVE HER DEARLY
I LOVE THE HOIE, THAT SHE PISSES THROUGH
I LOVE HER TITS, HAIRY TITS, AND THE HAIR AROUND HER ASS HOI£
I'D EAT HER SHIT, GQBBIE GOBBLE GOBBIE G0BBI£IF SHE ASKED ME TO
IF SHE ASKED VE TO...
GIVE MI OPERATIONS

DON'T GIVE ME AN OV-1A, IT FLIES LIKE A FIGHTER THEY SAY,
IT STALLS OUT IN TURNS, AND IT CRASHES AND BURNS,
DON'T GIVE }£ AN OV-1A
(CHORUS)
NO, GIVE hE OPERATIONS WAY OUT ON SO^ LONLLY ATOLL,
FOR I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE, I JUST WANT TO GROW OLD.

THOSE SHIT HOOKB EHEY CARRY THE WEIGHT, BUT THE BIADES THEY COUNTERROTATE
ITS A FAIR WEATHER COFFIN, THAT CRASHES SO OFTEN,
?>'OS SKYHOOKS.CA;IRY THE VJEIO!^ ■' . . .
(CHORUS)

DON!T TELL m A' HTgY'IS -HUE,' THE ENGINE' IS - JOUNratt BEHIND,
THEY TUMBIE AND SPIN, AND THEY'LL AUGER YOU IN
DON'T TELL >E A HUEY IS MINE.
(CEK5RUS)

DON'T GIVE JE A C M3DEL HAWK, ABOUT IT THE PILOTS ALL SQUAWK,
IT FLIES LIKE A SPARROW, BUT THE GEAR IS TOO NARROW,
NO, DON'T GIVE !■£ A CM)DEL HAWK.
(CHORUS)
IH

.'
GIVE hE OPERATIONS (CONT)

DON'T GIVE NE A CORXA NO MORE, SHE'S JUST A GROUND LOVING WHORE,
SHE'LL VHINE, MOAN, AND WHEEZE, AND MAKE STRAIGHT FOR THE TREES,
DON'T GIVE h£ A COBRA NO MORE.
(CHORUS)

DON'T GIVE ME A DAMNED OV-1, FOR NIGHT FLYING IT IS NO FUN,
BY DAY ITS A URK, BUI I'M SCARED OF THE DARK,
DON'T GIVE ME A DAMNED OV-1
(CHORUS)

DON'T GIVE MS A LIL' OH-6
WITH BLADES LIKE BROKEN M\TCH STICKS
"DROP FIVE" SAYS THE COACH, "FROM THE BRIGHT BURNING LflACH"
DON'T GIVE h£ AN OH-6
(CHORUS)

DON'T GIVE rfi AN OV-1B, WITH SLAR, RADAR AND TV
SHE'S FAST, I DON'T CARE, SHE BLOWS UP IN MIDAIR,
DON'T GIVE ME AN OV-1B
(CHORUS)

DON'T GIVE ME A C-65, SO SLOW IT STALLS OUT IN A DIVE,
IT'S A GROUND LOOPING BASTARD, YOU'RE SURE TO GET PLASTERED,
DON'T GIVE VE A C-45
(CHORUS)

GIVE ME AN OV-1D, IT'S GOT EVERYTHING--DON'T YOU SEE...
IT'LL COVER YOUR ASS IN THE MU GIA PASS, ,
GIVE ME AN OV-1D
CHORUS)

DON'T GTVE ME OPERATIONS , WAY OUT ON SOME LONELY ATOLL,
A HAWK I'D MUCH RATHER FLY
THE LI3E OF A SPUD IS A BALL
TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

ON THE FIRST DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME,
A HAND JOB IN A PALM TREE

ON THE SECOND DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO hfi,
TBO BRASS BALLS, ANDH HAND JOB IN A PALM TREE

ON THE THIRD DAY OF CHRISTMAS MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME,
TRREEE FRENCH TICKLERS, TWO BRASS BALLS, AND A HAND JOB IN A PALM TREE

(TWELVE DAYS OF XMAS, CONT)

ON THE FOURTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO Ml,
FOUR COCKSUCKERS, THREE FRENDH TICKLERS, TWO BRASS BALLS,
AKD A HAND JOB IN A PALM TREE

ON THE FIFTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME,
FIVE...M3THER...FUCKERS, FOUR COCKSUCKERS, THREE FRENCH TICKLERS,
TWO BRASS BALLS, AND A HAND JOB IN A PAUI TREE.

ON THE SIXTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO JC,
SIX SACKS OF SHIT, FIVE M3THER FUCKERS, FOUR COCKSUCKERS, THREE FRENCH TICKLERS,
TWO BRASS BALLS, AND A HAND JOB IN A PALM TREE.

ON THE SEVENTH DAY OFL CHRISTMAS, MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME
SEVEN SCROTUMS SWINGIN".... (ETC)

ON THE EIGHTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME,
EIGHT ASS HOLES ACHIN' .. .. (ETC)

ON THE NINTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME,
NINE NIPPIES KILLING.;.(ETC)

ONTHE TENTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO >E
TEN TURDS A TUMBLIN*....(ETC)

ON THE EIXVENTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME,
ELEVEN LESBIANS LICKING,....(ETC)

ON THE TWELFTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY TRUE SOVE GAVE TO t€:
TWELVE TEATS A TWITCHIN'
ELEVEN LESBIANS LICKIN'
TEN TURDS A TUMBLIN'
NINE NIPPLES NIPPLtB*
EIGHT ASS HOLES ACHIN*
SEVEN SCROTUMS SWINGIN•
SIX SACKS OF SHIT
FIVE MDTHER FUCKERS
FOUR COCKSUCKERS,
THREE FRENCH TICKLERS
TWO BRASS BALLS
AND A HAND JOB IN A PALM TREE
16

FUCKING BATTIE HYMN OF THE FUCKING SPUDS

WE FLY OUR FUCKING MDHAWKS AT TEN THOUSAND FUCKING FEET
WE FLY OUR FUCKING MOHAWES THROUGH THE RAIN AND SHIT AND SIZET
AND THOUGH WE THINE WE'RE FLYING SOUTH, WE'RE FLYING FUCKING KORTH
AND WE MAKE OUR FUCKING LANDING ON THE FIFTH BF FUCKING FORTH

GLORY, GLORY, WHAT HELL OF A WAY TO DIE,
GLORY, GLORY, WHAT A HELL OF A WAY tO DIE,
GLORY, GLORY, WHAT A HELL OF A WAY TO DIE,
WE MKE OUR FUCKING IAKDING ON THE FIFTH OF FUCKING FORTH

WE FLY THOSE FUCKING M5HAWKSAT ONE FUCKING THOUSAND FKET,
WE FLY THOSE FUCKING MOHAWKS THROUGH THE TREES AND RICE AND WffiAT,
AND THOUGH WE THINK WE FLY WITH SKILL, WE FLY WITH FUCKING LOCK,
WE DON'T GIVE A FUCKING DAMN, OR CARE A FUCKING FUCK

GLORY, GLORY, WHAT A HELL OF A WAY TO DIE,
GLORY, GLORY, WHAT A GELL OF A WAY TO DIE,
GLORY, GLORY, WHAT A HELL OF A WAY TO DIE,
BUT WE DON'T GIVE A FUCKING DAMN, OR CARE A FUCKING FUCK

WE FLY THOSE FUCKING MOHAWKS A T TWELVE THOUSAND FUCKING EEEE.
WE FLY THOSE FUCKlNGMDHAtfKS THROUGH THE FLAK AND SHIT AND 'SLEET,
AND THOUGH WE THINK WE'RE RIEHT SIDE UP, WE'RE FLYING FUCKING DOWN
AND WE BUST OUR FUCKING ASSES WHEN WE HIT THE FUCKING GROUND

GLOBI, GLOHY, WHAT A BELL OF A WAY TO DIE,
GLORY, GLORY, WHAT A HELL BF A WAY TO DIE,
GLORY, GLORY, WHAT HELL OF A WAY TO DIE, <
WHEN WE BUST OUR FUCKING ASSES WHEN WE HIT THE FUCKING (SOUND.
STRAPS THE TOWN AND HILL THE PEOFE
DROP YOUR NAPALM IN THE SQUARE
GET UP EARLY SUNDAY MORNING
CATCH THEM WHILE THEY ARE STILL AT PRAYER

THROW SOM2 CANDY TO THE CHIIDREN
WAIT UNTIL THEY GATHER ROUND
WITH WHJR TWENTY MILLIMETER
M3W THE LITTLE BASTARDS DOWN
17

A S H A U

HELLO ASHAU TOWER, THIS IS MOHAWK FIFTY ONE
I'D LIKE TO USE YOUR RUNWAY, ALTHOUGH IT;S OVER RUN
A CHOPPER FRIEND IS DOWN THERE, HE'S HIDING IN A DITCH
I'D LIKE TO MAKE A PASSENGER STOP AND SAVE THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH

(CHGRUS)
NOW LISTEN TO THE SMALL ARMS, HEAR THE 20 MIKE MIKE ROAR
THOSE Al-E'S ARE BOUNCING OFF THE ASHAU VALLEY FLOOR
HEAR THE ROAR OF ME LYCOMINGS, HEAR HE LONESOME CHOPPER CALL,
WE'LL GET YOU H01C TO MDTHER WHEN THE WORK'S ALL DONE THIS FALL

NOW HE SCRAMBIED OUT OF QUI NHON TO TRY TO SAVE THAT CAMP
TH2Y GOT HIMM IN THEIR GUNSIGHTS AND NOW HIS SHORTS ARE DAMP
THE ENGINE HAS ON FIRE, IT GAVE A FINAL WHEEZE
HS'S HIDING IN THE BUSHES NOW, ALTIMETER SETTING PIEASE
(CHORUS)

THE V C ARE DESCENDING UPON HIS HIDING PUCE
HAVE HIV bEET MY MOHAWK—I'M TURNING ON MY BASE
t SEE HIM OVER YONDER, HE'S RUNNING AWFULLY FAST
WITH A V C RIGHT BEHIND HIM AND AN A-K UP HIS ASS
(CHORUS)

MY WINGMAN SEES A V C, OH STRAFF HIM IF YOU CAN
you'LL HAX5T TO CST HIM QUICKLY TO SAVE THAT CHOPPER MAN
I'VE GOT HIM IN THE COCKPIT, HE'S STANDING ON HIS HEAD
BETTER IZT US TAKE OFF, OR SOON WE'LL BOTH BE DEAD
(CHORUS)

NOW THE TAKEOFF IT WAS FRIGHTFUL, THEY SHOT US FULL OF HOLES,
WE NOW LOOK JUST LIKE A SEIVE, BUT STILL MY MOHAWK ROLLS
THE CHOPPER JOCK IS SHOT TO HELL, I HEAR HIM BREATHE A SIGH,
GOODBY DEAR OED ASHAH, OF LORD I THOUGHT WE'D DIE
(CHORUS)
THE RflARING TRAIN

THE ROARING TRAIN CAME ROUND THE BEND, SHE BIJEW, SHE BLEW,
BIE ROARING TRAIN CA*E ROUOND THE BEND, SHE BIEW, SHE BLEW,
THE ROARING TRAIN CA>£ ROUND THE BEND, FULL OF WHORES AND DRUNIEN MIN
AND SHE BLEW, BLEW, BLEW, BIEW,
SON OF A BITCH, SHE BLEW
BAROOM, BAROOM* BAROOM, BAROOM.BAROOM
18

THE RflARING TRAIN (CONT)

THE miD WAS IN THE PARLOUR CAR, SHE BIEW, SHE BIEW
THE MAID WAS IN THE PARLOUR CAR, SHE BLEW, SHE BLEW
THE MAID TJAS* IN* THE. PARLOUR CAR, FUCKING HESSELF WITH A NICKEL CIGAR

AND SHE BLEW, BIEW, BLEW, BIEW
SON OF A BITCH, SHE BIEW
BAROOM, BAROOM, BAROOM. BAROOM BAROOM

THE PORTER HE WAS MAKIN BEDS, SHE BIEW SHE BIEW
THE PORTER HE WAS MAKIN BEDS, SHE BLEW, SHE BIEW
THE PROTER HE WAS WVKIN BEDS—SWEEPIN OUT THE MAIDENHEADS
AND SHE BLEW, BLEW, BIEW, BLEW, SON OF A BITDH SHE BIEW
(CHORUS)

THE FIREMAN HE WAS SHOVELLING COAL, SHE BIEW, SHE BIEW,
THE FIREMAND HE WAS SHOVELLING COAL, SHE BLEW, SHE BLEW,
THE FIREMAN HE SAS SHOVELLING COAL—UP THE ENGINEER'S ASSHOIE,
AND SHE BLEW, BLEW, BLEW, BLEW, SON OF A BITCH SHE BLEW
(CHORUS)

THE HOBO HE WAS RID IN THE ROD , SHE BEEV, SHE BIEW,
THE HOBD HE WAS RIDIN THE ROD, SHE BIEW, SHE BLEW,
THE BOBO HE WAS RIDIN THE ROD—SIXTY NINE CARS RAN OVER HIS COD
AND SHE BIEW, BLEW, BLEW, BLEW, SON OF A BITCH SHE BLEW
(CHORUS)

THE ENGINEER FORSAW THE WRECK, SHE BIEW, SHE BLEW
THE ENGINEER FORSAW THE WRECK, SHE BIEW, SHE BLEW
THE ENGINEER FORS1W THE WRECK,— HE SfJOOD<ON HIS HEAD, AND HE SHIT ON HIS NECK,
AND SHE BIEW, BLEW, BIEW, BLEW SON OF A BITCH SHE BIEW
(CHORUS)

(SAD VERSE)
THE SWITCHMAN HE BAS AT THE SWITCH, SHE BLEW, SHE BIEW,
THE SWITCHMAN HE WAS AT THE SWITCH, SHE BIEW, SHE BIEW,
THE S^ITCHTAN, HE WAS AT THE SWITCH, THEY RAN RIGHT OVER THAT SON GB A BITCH
AND SHE BIEW, BLEEW, BIEW, BIEW, SON OF A BITCH SHE BIEW
BAROOM, BAROOM, BAROOM, BAROOM, BAROOM, BAROOM.
19

THEJBIG BLACK BULL
(DEDICATED TO BIG FRANCIS C. CALLOWAY)

WELL, THE BIG BUCK BULL CA*£ DOWN FROM THE MOUNTAIN,
HOUSTON, SAM HOUSTON
WELL, THE BIG BUCK BULL CAME DOWN FROM THE MOUNTAIN,
A LONG TI>£ AGO
A LONG TIhE AGO, OH, OH, OH,
A LONG T«C AGO, OH, OH, OH,
WELL, THE BIG BUCK BULL CAME DOWN FROM THE MOUNTAIN,
A LONG TIM AGO.

WELL, HE SWTTED THAT HEIFER IN THE PASTURE A GRAZIBf
HOUSTON, SAM HOUSTON
WELL, HE SPOTTED THAT HEIFER IN THE PASTURE A GRAZIN*
A 10NG TIME AGO
A LONG Tlte AGO, OH, OH, OHtf
A LONG TI1C AGBO, OH, OH, OH,
WELL, HE SOPTTED THAT HEIFER IN THE PASTURE A GRAZIN'
A LONG TIMS AGO

WELL, HE JUMPED THAT FENCE AND HE HUMPED THAT HEIFER,
HOUSTON, SAM HOUSTON,
WELL, HE JUMPED THAT FENCE AND HE HUMPED THAf HEIFER,
A LONG THE AGO
A LONG TlbE AGO, OH, OH, OH,
A LONG TI>£ AGO, OH, OH, OH,
WELL, HE JUMPED THAT FENCE AND HE HUMPED THAT HEIFER
A LONG TIME AGO,
<
MU GIA WATERFALL

BESIDE MU GIAfS WATERFALL, ON A BRIGHT AND SUNNf DAY
BESIDE HIS SHATTERED OV-1 A MDHAWK DRIVER UY,
HIS PARACHUTE HUNG FROM A TREE, HE WAS NOT YET QUITE DEAD,
ANDD AS V.C. GATHERED ROUND HIM, THIS YOUNG HAWK DRIVER SAID.

I'M GOING TO THAT BETTER, WHERE LYCOMINGS ALWAYS ROAR
WHERE THE I.N.E. WORKS PERFECTLY, SMOOTHER IRAN AN OIIED WHORE
WHERE THERE ARE NO SAMS AND MIGS AND B5 ENEMY AROUND
THERfLL BE APPLE PIE AND THE ROCK AND RIE
SPUD PILOTS GO THER WHEN THEY DIE
IN THE ARM* M3HAWK HEAVEN

THE PILOT UY BESIDE THE FALLS, THE *,C. CLUSTERED ROUND
"SPOD HEAVENS SUCH A LOVELY PUCE, ANAD THATWS WHERE I AH BOUND
WITH A PROP BUM IN HIS LIVDR, INBOARD AILERON IN HIS NOSE
HE SAID "IfM UP AND FLYING FAST MY FRIEHD, WHERE EVERY SPUD JOCK GOES"
20

MU GIA WATERFAI1 <C*NT)

"I'M GOING TO THAT BETTER XAND, WHERE MOHAWKS FLY IN STYI£
WHERE THE AUTOMATIC PILOT WORKS, AND WE SIT BACK AND SMIUC
THERE'S A GIRL FOR EVERY OFFICER AND A DOZEN FOR THE CREW,
THERE'LL BE BEDS OF HAY IN THE SENSOR BAY,
THE ALQ-80 FALLS AWAY
IN THE ARMY MOHAWH HEAVEN

HIS BREATH CAME FAST, HE COULDN'T UST, WITH SADNESS THEY ALL EYED HIM
THS V.C, WEPT, THE TEARS ROLI£D DOWN, THE POOLS ROSE UP EESIDE HIM
THE WATERS ROSE, THEY REACHED HIS NOSE, HE FLOATED WHERE HE LAY,
AND AS HE DRIFTED OUT OF SIEHT, THE V.C. HEARD HEM SXY,

"I'M FLYING TO THAT BETTER LAND, WHERE THE FLAK DON'T EVER FLE
WHSRE THE BULLETS ARE ALL COTTON, AND THE SHELLS ARE APPLE PIE
WK2RE THE SHELLS ARE CHAMPAGNE COCKTAILS, AND YOU DRINK THEM ON THE FLY
WELL ITS TIME TO LEAVE, SO DON'T YOU GRIEVE
I'LL BE WEARING WINGS ON MY NOVEX SLEEVE
IN THE ARMY MOHAWK HEAVEN......
SHIT HOT SPUD TEE OH

I'M A SHIT HOT SPUD TEEOH, I Sllfo ON THE RIGHT
I'M BRAVE AND COURAGEOUS, AND WONDERFULLY BRIGHT,
MY JOB IS REMEMBERING WHAT THE CAPTAIN FORGETS,
I NEVER TALK BACK SO I HAVE NO REGRETS
I'M A SHIT HOT SPUD TEE OH, AND A LONG WAY FROM HOME.

I MAKE OUT THE FLIGHT PLAN AND STUDS THE WEATHER
PULL UP THE GEAR, DROP IT, AND STAND BY TO FEATHER
I RUN FOR HIS MAIL CALL AND HIRE HIS WHORES
AND I FLY HIS OLD HAWK TO THE TUNE OF HIS SNORES
I'M A SHIT HOT SPUD TEE OH, AND A LONG WAY FROM HOME

< !£&KE OUT HIS FLIGHT PLAN ACCOFDOT TO HOYLE
T TAKE ALL THE READINGS AND CHECK ON THE OIL
I HUSTLE TO WAKE HIM FOR A MIDNIGHT ALARM
I FLY THROUGH THE CLOUDS WHIIE HE SLEEPS ON MY ARM
I'M A SHIT HOT SPUD TEE OH AND A LONG WAY FROM HOME

T3RING HIM HIS COFFEE, I KEEP HIM IN COKES
I LAUGH AT HffS CORN AND HIS TERRIBLE JOKES
AND ONCE IN A WHILE, WHEN HIS IANDINGS ARE RBSTY
I COME THROUGH WITH "*£SSIREE, CAPTAIN, IT'S GUSTY"
I'M A SHIT HOT SPUD TEE 014 AND A LONG WAY FROM HOME
21

SHtT HOT SPUD TEE OH (CONT)

MY OLD MOHAWK PILOT IS REALLY A STOOGE
I SIT ON THE RIGHT OF THIS HIGH FLYING SCROOGE
SOME DAY I'LL FLK MOHAWKS, AND THEN I'LL BE BIXSSED,
I'LL GIVE MY POOR TONGUE A LONG HELL OF A REST
I'M A SHIT HOT SPUD TEE OH .'AN)A LONG WAY FROM HOM2.
HELLO MARBEE TOWRR

LISTEN TO THE RUMBLE, AND HEAR LYCOMINGS ROAR
I'M FLYING OVER MARBLE LIKE I NEVER FLEW BEFORE
HEAR THE MIGHTY RUSH OF SLIPSTREAM, AND HEAR THE ENGINES MOAN
I'LL WAIT A BIT AND SAY A PRAYER, AND HOPE IT (SITS MS HOME

HELLO MARBLE TOWER, THIS IS MOHAWK 801
I'M TURNIN ON MY DOWNWIND AND MY PROP HAS OVERRUN
m OIL HIS OVERHEATED, THE GUAGE SAYS 1-2-1
YOU'B;BETTER CET THE CRASH CREW OUT, AND GET THEM ON THE RUN

HELLO MOHAWK 801, THIS I S MARBLE "TOWER
I CANNOT CRASH THE CALL CREW OUT, THIS I S THEIR COFFEE HOUR
YOU'RE NOT CLEARED IN THE PATTERN, NOW THAT IS PLAIN TO SEE"
SO TAKE IT ONEE AROUND AGAIN, WOU'RE NOT A V-I-P

HELLO MARBLE TOWER, THIS IS MDHAWK 801
I'M TURNING ON^.MY DOWNWIND I£G, I SEE YOUR SIGNAL GUN
PNE ENGINE'S OVERRUNNING AND THE OTHER 'S GOING TO BLOW
I'M GOING TO LAND THIS OV-1 SO FOLKS, LOOK OUT BELOW

LISTEN MOHAWK 801THIS IS MARBLE TOWER
WE'D LIKE TO LET YOU IN RIGHT NOW, BUT WE HAVEN'T GOT THE POWER.
WE'LL SEND A NOTE THRU CHANNELS ANN WAIT FOR THE REPLY
UNTIL WE GET PERMISSION BACK, JUST CHASE AROUND THE SKY

YQ STII1 THERE MARBLE TOWER, THIS IS MOHAWK OV-1
I"M TURNING ON THE FINAL, AND MY FLYING DAYS ARE GONE
I'M GONNA LAND THIS MOHAWK NO MATTER WHAT YOU SSY
I'VE GOTTA GET MY BAR BILL PAID BEFORE THAT JUDGEMENT DAY.

OK MDHAWK 801, THIS IS JUDGEMENT DAY
YOURE IN PILOT'S HEAVEN, NOW, AND YOU ARE HERE TO STAY
YOU HAVE JUST BOUGHT A MOHAWK, AND YOU HAVE BOUGHT IT WELL
TEE FAMDUS MOHAWK 801 WAS SENT STRAIGHT DOWN TO HELL
22

I WANTED WINGS

I'VE BEEN ALIVE, TWENTY YEARS PLUS FOUR OF FIVE
AND I'VE TRIED MANY A PURSUIT.
WENT TO ARMY PILOT'S SCHOOL, LEARNED THE ROPES AND LEARNED THE RU1£S,
THEN I GOT MY WINGS AND NO*£X SUIT.
AND THEN I WENT CUB (XT UPGRADED, AND LIKE A FOOL I MADE IT,
THEN A M>HAWK I DID FLY, AND THEY SENT *£ OFF TO DIE ..BUSTER.

(CHORUS) I WANTED WINGS TILL I GOT THE GODDAWED THISGS,
NOW I DON'T WANT THEM ANYMORE

NOW I DON'T CARE TO SPIN, OVER DONG HOE OR THE MINH,
FLAK ALWAYS MAKES VE PUKE.. MT LUNCH
WITH MYSELB I NEVER PLAY, WHEN THEY HOLLER BOMBS »OY
AND I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IftY BONES GO "CRUNCK"
FOR THERE'S ONE THING YOU CAN'T LAUGH OFF
AND THAT'S WHEN THEY SHOOT YOUR ASS OFF
I'D RATHER BE HOME BUSTER WITH M* ASS THAN OAK LEAF CLUSTER, BUSTER
(CHORUS)

I'LL TAKE THE DA*£S, WHIIE THE REST GO DOWN IN FIJttES,
I'VE NO DESIRE TO BE BURNED,
AIR COMBAT SPELLS ROMANCE, BUT IT BROWN MY NOlfcX PANTS,
I"M NOT A FIGHTER PILOT I HAVE IZARNED.
IF YOU GET HIT WITH SAHs, YOU'LL FLY FORMATION UP IN HEAVEN
BUT I'D RATHER FUCK A WOMAN THAB BE SHOT DOWN IN A GRUMMAN, BUSTER.
(CHORUS)

NOW THE GRUMMAN OV-1 IS JUST THIRTY EIGHT HALF-TONS
IT'S THE GRUMMAN ULTRA-HOG AS YOU CAN SEE,
TWO TACANS JUST FOR BRUNCH, THREE INVERTERS NOWFOR LUNCH
WITH PIECED FALLING OFF OUR SUPER C
CIRCUIT BOARDS AND WIRES GALORE, IT'S AN EI£CTRICIAN'S WHORE
THE DIRTY SONS OF BITCHES, FILLED IT WITH THREE THOUSAND SWITCHES, BUSTER
(CHORUS)

NOW I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE, IN A GODDAMED PBY
THAT'S FOR THE EAGER, NOT FOR 1^,
I WflN'T TRUST IN LUCK, TO BE PICKED UP IN A DUCK,
AFTER I'VE CRASHED INTO THE SEA
'CAUSE I'D RATHER BE A BELL HOP THAN A PILOT ON A FLAT-TOP
WITH MY HAND AROUND A BOTTIE, NOT AROUND A GODDAMNED THROTTLE BUSTER.
(CHORUS)

I WANTED WINGS TILL I GOT THE GODDAMNED THINGS,
NOW I DON'T WANT THEM ANS MORE,
THEY TAUGHT ME HOW TO FLY, THEN THEY SENT VE OFF TO DIE,
I'VE HAD A BELLY FULL OF WAR,
YOU CAN SAVE THOSE FUCKING MIGH, FOR THE GUYS WITH BALLS SO BIG,
DISTINGUISHED FLYING CROSSES, DO NOT COMPENSTE FOR LOSSES, BUSTER.
23

VOU'LL NEVER MIND
COME AND FLY A MOHAWK
WE'RE A HAPPY BAND THEY SAY
WE NEVER DO A LICK OF WORK
JUST FLY AROUND ALL DAY
WHILE OTHERS WORK AND STUDY HARD
AND SOON GROW OU) AND BLIND
WE TAKE TO THE AIR WITHOUT A CARE
AND YOU WILL NEVER MIHD
(CHORUS)
YOU'LL NEVER MIND, YOU'LL NEVER MIND
SO COME AND FLY A MDHAWK
AND YOU WILL NEVER MIND

COME AND GET PROMOTED JUST
AS HIGH AS YOU DESIRE
YOU'RE RIDING ON A GRAVEY TRAIN
IF YOU'RE A M3HAWK FLIER
AND WHEN YOU GET TO GENERAL, YOU WILL
SURELY FIND,
THE ENGINES COUGH* YOUR WING FALL OFF
BUT YOU WILL NEVER MIND
(CHORUS)

YOU TAKE IT UP AND SPIN IT
AND WITH AN AWFUL TEAR
YOUR WINGS FALL OFF , THE SHIP SPINS IN
BUT YOU WILL NEVER CARE
FOR IN ABOUT ONE MINUTE M3RE
ANOTHER PAIR YOU'LL FIND
YOU'LL DANCE WITH PETE AND HIS ANGELS SWEET
BUT YOU WILL NEVER MIND
(CHORUS)
WHILE FLYING WEST PACIFIC
YOU HEAR THE ENGINES SPIT
YOU WATCH THE TACHS COME TO A STOP
THE GODDAMN THINGS HAVE QUIT
THE SHIP WON'T FLOAT, YOU CAN NOT SWIM
THE: SHORE IS MILES BEHIND
OH, WHAT A DISH FOR CRABS AND FISH
BUT YOU WILL NEVER MIND
(CHORUS)

WHILE FLYING OVER LfiOS IN
A MOHAWK OV-1
THERE • S ONE TARGET ' LOTS OF ffUN
WITH SA-7»S, SAM'S AND MIG'S
GODDAMN IT, IF I'M HIT
IT'LL BE UP THERE AAL BY ITSELF
CAUSE I WILL SHIT ABD GIT
(CHORUS) „

YOU WILL NEVER MIND (CONT)

AND IF SOME WILY MIG-21
SHOULD SHOOT YOU DOWN IN FLAMES
DON'T SIT AROUND AND BELLYACHE
AND CALL THE BASTARDS NAMES
JUST HIT THE SILK, IT'S CREAM AND MILK
AND PRETTY SOON YOU'LL FIND
THERE IS NO HELL AND ALL IS WELL
AND YOU WILL NEVER MIND
(CHORUS)
COLD COLD WATER

ALL DAY AND NIGHT IN THIS MOHAWK KITE
AND IHE ONLY SIGHT IS WATER, COLD WATER
IKS AND I WITH HOPES HELD HIGH
BUT TRACES DIE OVER WATER, COLD SALT WATER

YOU'RE FLYING MIGHTY HIGH, WHEN WE
HEAR THE PILOT SIGH, THAT THE ENGINES
GOING TO DIE, AND I'LL SEE YOU BY
AND BY, IN THE WATER

T.O. CAN'T YOU SEE, THAT BI'G C-B
WHERE THE LIGHTNING'S FLASHING FREE
AND IT'S WAITING FOR YOU AND ME
TO CRASH IN WATER, COLD SALT WATER
ALL DAY WE TRACK, BOTH UP AND BACK
WITHOUT A LACK OF WATER, COLD WATER

WE'RE LATE TO SHAD AND THINGS LOOK BAD
I THINK WE'RE HAD—DANM WATER, COLD SJ&T WATER

KEEP A TURNING FANS, TILL AT LEAST WE'RE
CLOSE TO LAND, WE'RE PARTNERS I'LL BE DAMNED, BUT
WE'D RATHER DITCH IN SAND THAN WATER

T-O. CXN'T YOU SEE, THAT BIG C-B
WHERE THE LIGHTNING'S FLASHING FREE
AND IT'S WAITING THERE FOR YOU AND ME
TO SPLASH—IN WATER, COLD SALT WATER
25

BIG PRICK OF STEEL

I ONCE KNEW A SAILOR BEFORE HE DIED,
I DON"! KNOW BUT THAT BASTA2D LIED,
HE KARRIED A MAIDEN WITH A SNATCH SO WIDE,
THAT SHE COULD NEVER BE SATISFIED,

WOMB, CHI CHI, WOMB CHI CHI, WOMB CHI CHI, WOMB

HE BUILT HIMSELF A Bf G FUCKING WHEEL,
MjUNTED ON IT A BIG PRICK OF STEEL,
TWO BALLS OF BRASS, THEY FILLED WITH BRYLCRAM,
AND THE WHOLE DAMN TH.ING WAS POWERED BY STEAM

WOMB CHI CHI, WOMB CHI CHI, WOMB CHI CHI,WOMB

AROUND AND AROUND WENT THAT BIG FE0KING WHEEL,
IN AND OUT WENT THAT BfG PRICK OF STEEL,
IOTIL ATLAST THE MAIDEN CRYED,
"ENOUGH, ENOUGH," I#M SATISFIED

WOMB CHI CHI, WOMB CHI CHI, WOMB CHI CHI, WOMB

ALSS THER WAS ONE FAULT IN": IT
THER WAS NO WAY OF STOPPING IT,
IT RIPPED THAT P03R MAIDEN FROM ASSHOLE TO TIT,
AND THE WH01E DAMN THING WENT UP IN SHIT,

WOMB CHI CHI, WOMB CHI CHI, WOMB CHI CHI, WOMB
JJz

INTERVIEW WITH A PHANTOM PILOT

THE FOLLOWING INTERVIEW WAS RECORDED WHEN A CIVILIAN CORRESPONDENT INTERVIEWED
A SHY, UNASSUMING AIR FORCE F4 PHANTOM JET FIGHTER PILOT. TO MAKE SURE THE TRIE
ATR FORCE STORY WAS TOKO _ THE _WINC IKsSORMMION OFFICER WAS ON HAND. THE CAPT.
WAS FIRST ASKED HIS OPIRION*-OF THE F5CPH5NT0M
"IT'S SO FUCKING MftNEUVERABLE YOU CAN FLY UP YOUR ftWN ASS WITH IT."
"WHAT THE CAPTAIN JEANS SO SAY IS THAT HE HAS FOUND THE FAC HIGHLY
MANEUVERABLE AT ALL ALTITUDES AND HE CONSIDERS IT AND EXCELLENT AIRCRAFT FOR
ALL MISSIONS ASSIGNED.
HI SUPPOSE CAPTAIN* THAT YOU'VE FLOWN A CERTAIN NUMBER OF MISSIONS IN
F"»RTH VIET HAM. WHAT.DO YOU..THINK OF THE SAM'S USED BY THE NORTH VIETNAMESE?"
."WHY. THOSE gASTA^S COULDN'T HIT A TOLL IN THE ASS WITH A BASS/IDDUE.
Vt FAKE TOT snyr..{jUT~OF *rflEM. TT#S NO SWEAT?" >
"£?*"L7r* r*W*v >^?Axtc ts THAT 1W SUWACE TO ATR MISSILES AROUND
KKHOI POSE A SERIOUS THREAT TO OUR AIR OPERATIONS AND THAT THE PILOTS HAVE A
HEAETHK RESPECT FOR THEM."
"I SUPPOSE, CAPTAIN, THAT YOU'VE FLOWN MISSIONS TO THE SOUTH. WHAT
KIND OF ORDINANCE DO YOU USE AND HHAT KIND OF TARGETS DO YOU HIT?"
"WELL, T CELL YA, MDSTLY VIE AIM TO KICKING THE SKIT OUT OF VIETNAMESE
VILLAGES, AND MY FAVORITE ORDINANCE IS NAPALM, MAN, THAT STUFF JUST' SUCKS THE
AIR RIGHT OUT OF THEIR FRIGGIN LUNGS AND MAKES A SON flF A BBTCHIN FIRE."
"WHAT THE CAPTAIN MEANS IS THAT THE AIR STRIKES IN SOUTH VIET NAM ARE
OFTEN AGAINST VIET CONG STRUCTURES, AND ALL OPERATIONS ARE ALWAYS HNDER THE
POSITIVE CONTROL OF A FORWARD Air, CONTROLLER,OR FAC. THE ORDINANCE EMPLOYED
IS CONVENTIONAL 500 and 750 POUND BOMBS AND 20 MILLIMETER CANNON FIRE."
"I SUPPOSE YOU WENT ON Rt-R IN HONG KQNG. WHAT WAS YOUR IMPRESSION OF
THE ORIENTAL GIRLS?"
"YEAH, I WENT TO HONG KONG, AND AS FAR AS THOSE ORIENTAL BROADS, WELL,
IT DON'T MATTER WHICH WAY THE RUNWAY RUNS, EAST-WEST,NORTH-SOUTH, A PIECE FO
ASS IS A PIECE OF ASS."
"WHAT THE CAPTAIN MEANS IS THAT HE BOUND THE DELICATELY FEATHEED
ORIENTAL GIRS MOST FASCINATING AND WAS VERY EMPRESSEDWITH THEIR FINE MANNERS"
AND THINKS THEIR NEAVETE MDST CHARMING"
"TELL ME, CAPTAIN, HAVE YOU FLOWN ANY MISSIONS OTHER THAN IN NORTH
AND SOUTH VIET NAM?"
"YOU BET HOUR SWEET ASS I'VE FLOWN OTHER MISSIONS THAN IN THE NORTH AND
SOUTH. WE GET FRAGGED EVERY DAY FOR.. .THOSE BASTARDS THROW EVERYTHING AT YOU,
EVEN THE KITCHEN SINK. EVEN THE GODDAMN KIDS GOT SLING-SHOTS."
"WHAT THE CAPTAIN MEANS IS THAT OCCASIONALLY HE FLIES MISSIONS IN THE
EXTREME WESTERN DMZ, AND HE HAS A HEALTHY RESPECT FOR THE FLAK IN THAT AREA."
"I UNDERSTAND THAT NOBODY IN THE 12th TACTICAL FIGHTER WING HAS GOT
A MIG YET. WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM?"
"WHY YOU SCREW HEAD, IF YOU KNEW ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE TASKING
ABOUT THE PROBLEM IS MI6S. IF WE'D GET FRAGGED BY THOSE PECIGR HEADS AT SEVENTH
FOR THOSE ENCOUNTERS IN MIG VALLEY, YOU'D BET YOUR ASS WE'D GET SOME OF THEM
MOTHERS. THOSE GLORY HOUNDS AT UBON GET ALL THE FRAGS WHILE WE GO TO SETTLE
FOR FIGHTIN' THE FRIGGIN' WAR. THftSE ^DTHERS AT UBON ARE SITTION ON THEIR FAT
ASSES KILLINNG MIGS WHILE WE GET STUCK BIMBING THOSE GODDAMN CABBAGE PATCHES."
1 "WHAT THE CAPTAIN MERAS IS THAT EACH ELE1ENT OF THE SEVENTH AER FORCE
27

IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR ASSIGNED JOB IN THE AIR WAR. SOMI ELEiCNTS ARE RESPON-
SIBLE FOR NEUTRALIZING ENEMY AIR STRENGTH WRIU! OTHER ELEfENTS ARE ASSIGNED
BOMBING MISSIONS INTERDICTING ElEMY SUPPLY ROUTES,"
"CAPTAIN, OF ALL THE TARGETS YOU'VE HIT IN VIET NAM, WHICH ONE WAA THE M)ST
SATISFYING?"
"WELL, SHIT. I TELL YOU, IT WAS THAT TlhE I WAS FRAGGED ON A SUSPECTED VC
VEGETABLE GARDEN. I DROPPED NAPiLM IN THE MIDDU? OF THE FUCKING CABBAGE AND

IPSI^^^RFAfffH^A?^^1^!^?0??L™ ** ™ J™* M)THERS M

,fWHAT THE CAPTAIN hENANS IS THAT THE GREAT VARIETY OF TACTICAL TAROITS
AVAILABLE THROUGHOUT VIET NAM MAKE THE F4C THE PERFECT AIRCRAFT TO PROVIDE
FLEXABLE RESPONSE."
"WHAT DO YOU CONSIDER TO m THE M5ST DIBFICULT TARGET YOU'VE STRUCK IN
NORTH VIET NflH?" }'
•THE FRIGGIN' BRIDGES. I MJSTA DROPPED FORTY TONS OF BOMBS ON THOSE SWAYIN
BAMBOO MOTHERS AND I AIN'T HIT ON OF TFE BASTARDS YET."
"WHAT THE CAPTAIN MSANS IS THAT INTERDICTING BRIDGES ALONG ENEMY ROUTES IS
VZRY IMPORTANT AND IS A QUITE DIFFICULT TARffiT. THE BEST WAY TO ACCOMPLISH THIS
TASK IS TO CRATER THE APPROACHES TO THE BRIDES."
"I'VE NOTICED FROM TOURING, VEAROUS SECTIONS OF THE BASE ARE COVERED WITH
ALUMINUM MUTING ON THE TAXEWAYS. WOULD YOU CARE TO COM^NT ON ITS USEFULNESS
AND EFFECTIVENESS IN VIET NAM?"
"YOU'RE FUCKING RIGHT l'fD LIKE TO MAKE A COMMENT, MOST OF US PILOTS ARE
WELL HUNG, BUT YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT HUNG IS UNTIL YOU GET HUNG UP ON ONE OF
THE BUMPS ON THE GfiDDAMN STUFF."
"WHAT THE CAPTAIN MANS IS THAT THE ALUMINUM WtTTING QUITE SATISFACTORY
AS A TEMPORARY EXPED3EDT, BUT REQUIRES SO>£ FINESSE IN TAXING AND BRAKING THE
AIRCRAFT.
¥DID YOU HAVE AN fiPPORTUNITY TO *£ET YOUR WIPE ON UEAVE IN HONOLULU, AND
DID YOU ENJOY YOUR VISIT WITH HER?"
"YEAH, I >E9 MY WIFE IN HONOLULU, BUT I FORGOT TO CHECK THE CALENDEAR
SO THE WHOLE FIVE DAYS WERE PRETTY WELL COMBAT PROOF. A COMPLETE DRY RUN."
"WHAT THE CAPTAIN MEANS IS THAT IT WAS WONDERFUL TO GET TOCSTHER WITH HES
Wire AND FAMILY AND LEARN FIRST HAND JUST HOW THINGS WERE AT HOIC?"
"THANK YOU FOR YOUR TDE CAPTAIN."
"SCREW YOU, WHY DON'T YOU BASTARD^PRINT THE REAL STORY, .INSTEAD OF ALL
THAT CRAP?"
"WHAT THE CAPTAIN 1EANS IS THAT HE ENJOYED THE OPPORTUNITY TO DISCUSS
HIS TOUR WITH YOU?"
"OH, ONE FINAL QUESTION, CAPTAIN, COULD YOU REDUCE YOUR IMPRESSION OF THE S
WAR INTO A SIMPLE PHRASE OR STATEMENT?"
"YOU BET YOUR ASS I CAN, IT' A FUCKED UP WAR?"
"WHAT THE CAPTAIN MEANS IS IT'S A FUCiED UP WAR."
28

THE ATTAPOE JAIL
(TUNE OF TIJUANS JAIL)

WE WENT ONE DAY
ABOUT A MONTH AGO
TO HAVE A LITTLE FUN
AROUND ATAPOE
WE ENDED UP
IN A SHOOTING SBOT
WHERE THE SAMS WERE FIRENG
AND EIGHTY FIVES GLOWED HOT,
(CHORUS)
SO HERE WE ARE, TN THE ATAPOE JAIL
WAITING FOR UNCLE TO GO OUI BAIL
SO HERE WE'LL STAY, CAUSE HE WON'T PAY
JUST SEND OU?v MAIL—TO THE ATAPOE JAIL.

WE WERE SHOOTING DINKS,
RACKING UP THE SCORE
THATfS WHEN I HEARD—THAT MISSILE ROAR
WE STARTED TO JINX,
WHEN THE AIRBORCE BLUE
SAID "SPUD YOU'D BETTER PUNCH OUT
CAUSE HE'S GOT YOU
(CHORUS)

WE IZFT THE PLANE
TUNBLIN1 IN MID AIR
AND THEN WE LANDED
IN THE ATAPOE SQUARE
PULLED OUT OUR THIRTY EIGHTS
DISCOVERED THEN AND THERE
WE WERE SURROUND*0
DIDN'T HVE A PRAYER
(CHORUS)

JUST FIVE MILLION DOLLARS,
AND THEY BILL SET US FREE—
I COULDN'T RAISE FIVE PIASTERS—
IF YOU THREATENED MS
(CHORUS)
29

I'FLY THE LINE
I KEEP A CLOSE WATCH ON THIS COAST OF MINE,
WE KEEP OUR SLAR WIDE OPEN ALL THE TDE,
DIRECTING AIR STRIKES, A SPECIALTY OF MINE
THIS MOHAWK'MINE, I FLY THE LIKE

NIGHT PATROL ROUND DONG HOPS REALLY GREAT,
ITS AN OUT OF COUNTRY MISSION THAT I HATE,
I'LL FLY AND FIND THEM ANYWHERE AND ANY TIMI,
THEIR ASS IS MINE, I FLY THE LH5E.

SMALLS ARMS AND THIRTY-SEVENS I DON'T SWEAT,
S-A-SEVENS, SAMS, AND MIGS IS WHAT I FRET,
THOSE FLAK PUFFS FAR AWAY ARE EAGER SIGH,
THIS SECTOR'S MINE, I FLY THE LINE.

ARMED WITH RADAR AND NOTHING ELSE WE GO.
OUT tH3 MSP WHAT WE CAN'T SEE AND HOPE TO KNOW,
WHERE DBD CHARLIE RUNS AND HIDES BKD SPENDS HIS TIME
THEIR ASS IS MINE, I FLY THE LINE.

WHEN WE FIND CHARLEY ON THE GROUND WE CALL FOR AIR,
THENfWE D9nGE„SAMSnAND-MIGS TILL THEY GET THERE-
THEY'LL HIT-THXrtONV0rRUNKIN,ON m N0RTH.S0UTH LINE
THEIR ASS IS MINE- —I FLY THE LINE.
STRAFE THE DMZ
(TUNE! JINGLE BELLS)
FLYING THROUGH THE SKY, IN A PjWK OV-1A
FLYING THROUGH THE FLAK, NEVER LOOKING BACK.

JINGIZ BELLS, SOUNDS LIKE HELL, MDHAWKS ALL THE WAY,
OH WHAT FUN IT IS TO SHOOT THE DhE EACH DAY, HEY:
SgrarsTfesF£ffl? %H^lLS AKD R0CKETS T0°
30

DA NANG LULLA3YE
(TUKEs .MY BONNIE LIES OVER THE OCEAN)

I WENT OFF TO SOUTHEAST ASIA
TO FIGHT My OWN WAR IN THE AIR
I'VE SPENT HALF MY TOUR IN A BUTCCR
TO LIVE LIKE A RAT JUST AIN'T FAIR

CHORUS
roll in, rollin
my god how the rockess roll in, roll in
roll in, roll in,
my god how the rockets roll in

each day i go off to fly combat
and then have a beer when i return
i usually finish the first one
before incoming rounds siart to burn
(cborus)

each morning we go off to combat
at dawn in the clouds, fos, andrain
the gyreens are up even sooner,
to recapture the ramp at da nang
CHORUS

AND NOW THAT MY TOUR IS ALL OVER
I'LL RESUhE THE Lira THAT I LED
MY WIFE THINKS THAT ITS RATHER SILLY
TO BUILD BUNKERS OVER OUR BED
CHORUS:

WE'VE BEEN MAPPING CHARLIES RAILROAD

WE'VE BEEN MAPPING CHARLIES RAILROAD
EVERY FUCKING DAY
WE'VE BEEN MAPPING CHARLIE'S RAILRflAD
UP TOWARD VINH'S AIRWAYS

UNCLE HO AIN'T GOT NO RAILROAD
NO ROLLING STOCK OR SWITCHES
BUT SAIGON FRAGS US ON THE RAILROAD
THOSE DIRTY SONS OF BITCHES
31

-WE'VE BEEN MAPPIN (CONT)

SAM'S GALORE, THIRTY SEVENS TOO
FIFTY SEVENS, SA-7's TOO
FUCK, PIS, HATE SKIT HOT TOO
SO WHAT THE HELL IS NEW

SONNE'S UP A TREE ON THUD "PGE
SOMEONE'S IN THE DRINK I KMTC C^OOOO
SONENONE'S IN THE KARAT KEAK DONG HOI
SHOUTING ON THE RADIO

SHOUTIN, FEE, FI FIDDLY I OWIH
FEE, FI FIDDLY I OH OH OHOH
FEE, FI JOLLY GEEEN OH
LESS THAN FIVE MDRE DAYS TO CO

I'VE GOT A HUNDRED AND STkTS VC PI THE OPEN
I FOUND A TRUCK LOAD OF EClWil V 2- SIAMESE
I'VE GO TO CALL S01# AIR. a".V A SOIUKE DOWN THERE
BEFORE THEY MAKE IT TO IKE Tj-EKS

I'VE GOT A HUNDRED ANDSJX1T VC IN TIE OPEN,
IT'S A TARGET THAT YOU DCT"1' VHP.) I1VERYDBY
SO I CALLS THE DASC AND I vVa'-C-,? ASK
WON'T YOU PISASE GET SOVE HOIITEIiS ON THE WAY

NOW NUMBER ONE SHOULD HAVE SOW GUNS AND"
A LOAD OF WHAT TIEY CALL "IMOTAJSLL"
SEND NUMBER TWO WITH C£U*e AND "WHEN THEY GET HERE
WE'LL REALLY GONNA GIVE T2FM KLXL

I'VE GOT A HUNDRED AND FEr."V VC IN THE OPEN
AND I'M MARKING THEM Willi I: M)HAWK FROM ABOVE
I'VE GOT MY WILLIE PE2E SPIi SHXNG AT THEIR FEET,
IT'S A SHIT HOT SITUATION THAT I LOVE
32

WELL, SHE WAS PURE, AND SHE WAS IvS:":Vc-
VICTIM OF A RICH MAN'S WHIM
•TIL SHE MET THAT CHRISTIAN GOV'KOR
GEORGE C. WALLACE
AND SHE HAD A CHILD BY HIM. (A CHILD BY HIM)

NOW HE SITS, IN LEGISLATURE,
MAKING LABS FOR ALL MANKIND,
BHILE SHE WALKS, THE STREETS OF DOTHAN ALABAMA
SELLING GRAPED, FROM HER GRAPE VINE. (FROMHER GRAPE VINE)

NOW THE MORAL, OF THIS STORY,
IS TO NEVER TAKE A RIDE
WITH ALABAMA' CHRISTIAN GOV'NOR
GEORGE C. WALLACE,
AND YOU'LL BE, A VIRGIN BRIDE. ( A VIRGIN BRIDE.)
33
-WE'RE GONNA TEAR DOWN THE SPUD BAR BOOOOOO
WE'RE GAONNA BUILD A NEW BAR RAYYYY

IT'S ONLY GONNA BE A FOOT WIDE 829999°
BUT IE'LL BE A MIIZ LONG

THERE'LL BE NO BARTENDERS Ifc OUR BAR BOOOOOOO
WE'RE GflNNA HAVE BARMAIDS AYYYYYY

OHR BARMAIDS WILL WEAR LONG DRESSES nnrwwi
MADE OF CELLOPHANE 1UYYYYY

YOU CAN'T TAKE OUR BARMAIDS HOfE nnnonnrt
THEY'LL TAKE YOU HO*£ RAYYYY

YOU CAN'T SLEEP WITH OUR BARMAIDS BOOOOOO
THEY WON'T LET YOU SLEEP RAYYYYY

BEER IS GONNA BE 50c A GL.-3S BOOOOO
WHISKEY WILL BE FREE RAYYYYY

ONLY ONE DRINK TO A CESS**?* BOOOOO
SERVED IN A BUDKET RAYYYY

NO GIRLS WILL BE ALLO!7!.) X-<'u.: THE FIRST FLOOR BOOOO
WITH THEIR CLOTHES ON RAYYY

THERE'LL BE NO LOVING m f"K DANCING FLOOR BOOOOO
AND NO DANCING ON THE V?n&: -TOOR RAYYYY

SOMEBODi'J JU'iKfER

QUANG TRI ROAD

ALMOST HEAVEN—MARBLE MOUNTAIN
DANARG AIR ^ASE, DOWN IN ROCKET VALI£Y.
MOHAWKS RSSING, OFF TO MEET THE NIGHT
MISTY SHADES OF tftOUND FOG—BLACK OUT COMBAT FLIGHT
(CHORUS)
QUIfflG TRI ROAD, GUIDE ME HOME -
TO THE BASE, I BEtONG—MARBLE MOUNTAIN, BLESSED AIRFIELD,
GUIDE ME HOME, tJUANG TRI ROAD

I HEAR A VOICE IN THE EVENING AS SHE CALLS ME
RADIOS REMIND ME I«M TWELVE THOUSAND MILES FROM HOME.
FLYING DOWN THE ROAD I GEI THE FEELING THAT I SHOUUD
HAVE BEEN HOME YEStERDAY—YESTERDAY
(CHORUS)

ROCKETS FALLIN ALL AROUND US,
SIRENS HAILING, RUNNIN FOR THE BUNKERS
CHOPPERS SCRAMBLIN OFF TO FIND THE FOE-
WE FIND WOUNDED, AND SOME WHO'LL SING NO MORE,
(CHORUS)

I HEAR A VOICE IN THE NIGHT I HEAR HIM CALLIN
STINGER UP ON GUARD TO SAY HE'S LOST FAR FROM HOME-
PANAMA REMINDS HIM THAT HHS FLIGHT PLAN SAYS HE SHOULD
HAVE BEEN HOKE YESTERDAY---YESTERDAY
(CHORUS)

I HEAR A VOICE ON THE RADIO A SCREAMIN
MAYDAY—SPUD IS SHOT TO HELL THREE HUNDRED NOXTH OF HOME
I SIT AND LISTEN HELPLESS AS HE SAYS "I'WISH VB HAD MY
DEROS YESTERDAY—YESTERDAY
(CHORUS)

SOMETIMES AT NIGHT I HAVE HEARD T^"K GHOSTLY ECHOES-
ECHOES OF THE PAIN BB NINE SPUDS u,ONED FAR FROM HOME
PRAYIN THAT THEIR WIVES AND CHID;}:'-*' HACK AT HOME
CONTINUE TO REMEMBER THEM—-REMEMBER THEM

QUANG TRI ROAD, TAKE US HOME
TO THE STATES, WHERE WE BELONG
•CROSS THE OCEAN, MY OWN COUNTRY
FREEDOM BIRD, TAKE US HOME
THESE LYRICS WEEE COMPOSED BY ILT DAVIS, CW-2 PROSSER, AND ILT KILUCKEY
AND DEDICATED (DO THE THIRTY THREE SPUDS—PILOTS AND T.O.'S—WHO HAVE LOST
THEIR LIVES OR BEEN CAPTURED IN THE SIX YEARS THAT WE HAVE WORKED IN THE
REPUBLIC OF VIET NAM.
34