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Compare this copy with G. Legman's incomplete copy which he titled "Be Pure".
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R£. Marks "
S.O.I.I.A.E.S. 3ENS0RED SONGBOOK
In the interests of public morality the executive of the S.O.I.I.A.E.S.
has gathered together the most vile, corrupting and degrading of the student
songs and published them in this single volume, in order that its members
may know the enemy and fight it in its own domain. This may be done by
members singing them often and frequently to as large an audience as
possible, so that the resulting wave of disgust and revulsion will restrain
even the most thick-skinned non member from ever again mouthing these
obscenities.
May 1962
Melbourne
— - itc Society
jU £ Hj
V U
J 1*1 «/KAW**
A t- i-J 1 * j ’/ vj h T"
(PATRON)
Big_PURE
Bor all loyal adherents to the S.C.I.I.A.J2..S.
we publish the words of the anthem "Pure as the
Lily" , sung to the tune of "Ivory Tower".
Be pure, be pure, be pure as the lily,
Reject your old sinful ways,
Don't smoke, don't drink, take your hands off
that filly,
Be chaste for the rest of your days,
Be wholesome, be wholesome,
And rember the words that we say-
Be pure, be pure, be pure as the lily,
But don't ask us to show you the way,
iim« • e> «
SHE WAS PURE BUT SHE iJAS HONEST
She was poor, but she was honest,
Victim of th§ squire's game;
First he loved her. then he left her,
And sh9 lost her honest name.
Chorus: It's the same the whole world over,
It's the poor that gets the blame;
It's the rich that lives in clover,
Ain't that a bleeding shame.
Then she ran away to London,
For to hide her grief and shame.
There she met another squire,
And she lost her name again.
In the bich man's arms she flutters
Like a bird wwth broken wing;
First he loved her, then he left .her,
And she hasn't got a ring.
See him in his splendid mansion,
Entertaining with the best,
While the girl he has ruined.
Entertains a sordid guest.
See him in the house of Commons,
Making laws to put down crime,
While the victim of his passions
Trails her way thro* mud and slime.
Standing on the bridge at midnight.
She says "Farewell, blighted love,"
Then a scream, a splash - Good heavens,
What is she a-doin' of?
Then they dragged her from the river,
Water from her clothes thBy wrang,
For they thought that she was drowned,
But the corpse got up and sang.
It’s the same the whole world over,
It’s the poor that gets the blame,
It’s the rich that lives in clover,
Ain't mit all a bleedin* shame.
CHARLOTTE THE HABLOT LAY DYING
Charlotte the harlot lay dying
A piss hat supported her head
The blowflies were buzzing around her
She rolled on her left tit and said.
Chorus: I've been fucked by the army the navy
By a bullfighting toreador
By dingoes and drongoes and dagoes
But never by maggots before.
So roll back your dirty old forlskins
And give me the cream of your nuts
So they rolled back their dirty old
foreskins
And played "Home sweet Home" on her guts.
Charlotte the harlot repented
She’d never have another bang
She wanted to go to heaven
She lay on her right tit and sang.
Chorus:
Charlotte the harlot was buried
The town was quieter than before
But one nighj at the local brothel
Her ghost it appeared at the door.
Chorus:
THE SHITHOUSE BLUES
Dan, Dan, the sanitary man,
Superintendant of the lavatory pan,
Ho puts out the paper and he changes the towels
Accompanied by the" rhythm of the rumbling bowels
Hot shitl I got the shithouse blues
Hot shit I I wanna do it in my shoes.
JOHN PEEL
'Do ye ken John Peel?' 'Yes, Iknow the bugger well
With a head on his hammer like the Icnhcape bell,
Nine inches on the slack, twelve inches on the swell,
As he revels in the joys of copulation.
Gats on the fooftops, cats on the tiles,
Gats with syphilis, gonorrhea, piles,
Cats with their arseholes breathed in smiles
As they revel in the joys of copulation.
Do ye ken John Peel with a cock in a sling
And his two brass balls going ting-a-ling-a-ling,
He's lying in the grass with a carrot up. his arse
And he won't take it cut till morning.
flow the elephant is a funny bloke
He seldom has a poke
But when he does he lets it soak,
As he revels in the joys of copulation.
The hippopotamus it seems
very rarely has wet drearns,
But when he does it comes In streams
As he revels in the joys cf copulation.
New a funny old fish is the old sperm whale
■'Yith a funny little diddle tucked under his tail,
And he rides his missus in che teeth of a gale
As he revels in the joys of copulation.
Oh the sargeant major leads i solitapylife,
aid he hasn't got a woman, aid he hasn't got a wife
Sc he satisfies himself on the regimental fife,
Ashe revels in the joys of copulation.
If ,'Ou wake up in the morning vith your penis in your
hand,
And you've got a funny feeling in your seminary gland,
If you haven't got a woman, then pull it in yourhand
In the dark early hours of the morning.
The poor domestic doggie on the chain til day,
Never gets a chance,to let himself go ¿ay,
So he licks at his dick in a frantic w.y
As he revels in the joys of copulation
The owls in the trees, the cats on the tiles;
One fucks in solitude, the other fucks in files,
You can heat thehappy howls and the shrieks for miles
As they revel in the joys cf copulation
Now I met a girl and she was a dear,
But she gave me a dose of gonorrhea:
Pools rush in where angels fear....
As I revelled in the joys of' copulation.
When you wake up in the monning with thoughts of
sexual joy
And your wife has got the monthlies and your daughter sa
says she's coy,*
Just rip it up the rectum of your eldest boy,
As you revel in the joys of copulatoin.
NELLIE DARLING
Oh I love the smell of Nellie's perspiration
These little one cannot have too much
But I make one tiny stipulation
That its better from your armpits than your crutch.
Oh your arsehole's like a stovepipe, Nellie darling
And the nipples on your tits are turning green
There's a yard of lint protruding from your vulva
You're the ugliest fucking bitch I've ever seen.
' There's‘a' thousand' crabs' a 'crawling round-your arsehole
And when you piss, youy piss's green as grass
There's enough wax in your ears to make a candle
So make one dear and shove it up your arse.
THE MARRYING KIND
If I were the .marrying kind, Sir
And you can bet I'm not, Sir
The girl I'd choose to share my bed
Would be a .......... girl, Sir.
'Cos I would fuck and she would fuck
And we would fuck together
Oh what fun in the middle of the night
Fucking hard together.
'Cos I would push; bully; bang; hit; etc....
ê
~7
CRAVEN 'A'
Chorus:
Craven A , never heard of fornication
Craven A , silly little fool
Craven A , quite content with masturbation
Thought a cunt was something you were called
at school.
His arrival at the varsity was quite grotesque
He laid his great penis on hte tutor's desk
Said the tutor,'If it stays there in its present state
I'll be forced to use that penis for a paperweight.'
Chorus.....
Yo\. the- tutor' said, "Ihoro is one thing I must impress
You must not masturbate in academic dress'.
So Craven just to show he didn't give a fuck
Tossed himself off on the inkwellshouting,
'One for luck'.
Chorus
Now Suzy was the daughter of the landlady
She brought her cunt up every morning with a cup of tea
and she'd been done so often that the courts declare
Her vagina constitutes a public thofcoughfare.
Chorus......
DIGGING UP FATHERS GRAVE
There digging up Fathers grave,
To build a sewer,
and they're digging it up regardless of expense;
Now they're digging up his remains,
To make way for shithouse drains,
To irrigate some moll's new residence.
COR BLIMEY
Now Father all his life was never a quitter,
And I don't suppose he'll be a quitter now,
For when that john's complete,
he'll justhold that shithouse seat,
and he'll only let them shit when he'll all obi.
COR BLIMEY
_ yj.peli.ie I of . is crap,
>u • -
9
%
Now what's the use of loving a religion,
And to think that when youre dead your troubles cease,
But if some Arts chap,
Wants a pipeline for his crap,
He'll never let the old sod rest in peace.
COR BLIMEY
But wont ther be some constipation,
And wont those shit bound toffs begin to rage,
But they're getting what they deserve,
For having the fucking hkcve,
For fucking around with an old Honest Workman's grave.
COR BLIMEY.
NEVER ROOT
(Tune; Never Smile at a Crocadile)
Never root with a prostitute
Never stop a while and give your bolt a shot,
Dont be taken by her welcome grin
She's imagining how much you'll get when you slip in*
Never root with a prostitute
Even though she says you've got a beaut
Dont be rude, never mock,use your head and not your
cock,
But never root with a prostitute.
Never root with a prostitute
Though you may be well humg
And know how to kiss with your tongue
There's one kind of bag not to slag
when you're on the run.
So never root with a prostitute
Even though she says you've got a beaut
Dont be rude, never mock, use your head
And never root with a prostitute.
and not your
cock.
THE HARLOT OF JERUSALEM
(virgin 1 )
In days of old there lived a maid
Who used to do a roaring trade
A prostitute of ill repute,
The harlot of Jerusalem,
CHORUS:
Hi Ho KafooZalem, Kafoozulem, Kafoozalem,
Hi Ho Kafoozalem, the harlot of Jerusalem.
She- lived 'within the palace walls
And round the walls wbeq hung the balls
Of every cootthat tried to root
The harlot of Jreusalem.
Nearby there lived an arab tall
Who with his-prick could move a wall
It was the pride of nearly all
The harlots of Jerusalem.
One night returning from a spree
He saw her there beneath a tree
And vowed that very night that he
Would lay her in Jerusalem.
He took her to a shady nook
And from his open fly he took
A penis like a butchers hook
The .finest in Jerusalem.
He laid her down upon her back
And tried to shove it up her crack
But had no luck in trying to fuck
The harlot of Jerusalem.
Kafoozalem she gave a grunt
And with a snap she shut her cunt
And threwhim high into the sky
Far beyond Jerusalem.
Away he flew across the sea
Across the Sea of Galliloe
And caught hisbuttocks in a tree
Throe leagues beyond Jerusalem.
And there he hangs unto this day
and seen by all who pass that way
Tho silly ape that tried to rape
The harlot of Jerusalem.
(
CAFOOZALEM
(virgin 2 )
In days of old there lived a-maid
Aprostitute, a renegade,
Who plied her roaring, whory trade
Close by Jerusalem.
CHORUS:
HI Ho Cafoozalem, Cafoozalem, Cafoozalem
Hi Ho Cafoozalem, the harlot of Jreusalem.
There lived our hero by the wall,
Although he only had one ball,
He fucked the harlots one and all
All around Jerusalem,
One day this town was sorely blight
With a dirty shit of an Israelite
Who vowed he'd, spend a pleasant night
In the cunt of Cafoozalem.
He took her to a shady nook
And from beneath his cloak ho took
Apenis like a reaping hook
The scourge of all Jerusalem.
He laid her on the earthen floor
and ground and ground on that old where
j'w’ii his penis grew quite sore
The same as all Jerusalem
Up came our hero full of light
And when he saw that Israelite
Heshove! him up with all his might
The cunt of , Cafcczalum.,
Now Cafoozalem she know her part
She squeezed her cunt and blew a fart
nnd out he shot just like a dart
Out of Jerusalem.
And buzzing like a bumble boo
Ho loft his knackers on a tree
and there they "or all to see
Outside Jerusalema
10
R] HG> DANG DOG
0 she tooA me down into the cellar
And she told me 1 was a very fine feller,
u she fed me wine and whisky too
*»nd she placed my hand on the ..INGY D.-NG D00.
CHORUS
0 the &INGY DAH6 DGO.pray what is that?
With fur oil round like a pussv cat,
»vitfl a hole in the middle ano split in two,
That’s whet they coll the RING^ DANG D00.
2Get out of here",ier father said,
oince you nave lost your maidenhead,
oo she packed her bags and suitcase too
^nd she left t at place with the jvINOY DANG TOO.
0 she went to town and be came a whore,
And bte hung her sign outside her door,
r.nd trey came in ones and two by two,
-Just to sample t, e iovs of the EINGY DANG D00.
0 she left ttet town the son of a bitch,
«•ith a load of the jack and the seven year itch
0 sre had V.D.and syphyllis too,
And she carried it all' in the nINGY DANC D00.
0 the nINGY DANG D00 is a thin^ of the past,
Now all the young lads whop it up the arse.
If you want any more it’s-up to you
Tnat’s all there is of the nINGY DANG D00.
BICYCLE BTTILT FOP TWO
Daisy,Daisy show me your grassy land
I’m half crazy,mv cock is on the stand,
You are of the femine gender
Your crutch-is soft and tender
You. sit in front,1’lltickle vour cunt
On a bicycle built for two.
Johnny,Johnny show me your long red cock,
I’m half cra^y wanting that" Sudden shock.
You are of the masculine gender,
Your cock is long and slender,
I’ll sit in front,you’11 tickle my cunt
On a bicycle built for two.
TINKER TS_SONG
Oh there was a fair young maiden riding
hhomeward from a ball,
Perchance to meet a tinker nissing up against
a wall,
Chorus:
With his great big kidney swiper and his halls
as big as three;
And a yard and a half of foreskin hanging
down below his knee.
Hanging down, swinging free
Inches thick, what a prick,
With a good yard and a half of foreskin
hanging down below his knee.
So she wrote to him a letter and in it
she did say
I’d rather be fucked by tinkers than my
husband any day.
Chorus:
So he mounted on his charger and to the
castle he did ride,
With his tool wrapped round the saddle
and a ball on either side.
Chorus:
He rode up to.the castle and knocked upon
the door,
"God save us", criedthe butler,"he’s come to
fuck U3 all."
Chorus:
Oh he fucked the fair young maiden then he _
fucked the servants all.
But the way he bummed the butler was the
bottler of them all.
THAT BOSOM PAL OF MINE
OH, how I love that bosoip pal of mine (twice)
Oh, how I love that bosom (twice)
Oh how I love that bosom pal of mine.
She hee a lovely country estate
She hae a lovely navel uniform
Oh I can't wait to get in her new car
Have you seen her lovely bottom pet of teeth.
Oh she hee a lovely thy-roid gland.
Oh I?d like to give her a bshy Austin car.
Have you ever seen her drees up on the line?
Oh I'd like to take her pants down to the cleeners.
XHL MONK
There was a conk of greet renown,
There was a monk of great renown,
There was a conk of great renown,
He fucked all the harlots around the town,
He fucked all the herlots around the town.
,0?
Ohorus: ;
The old bastard, The old sod.
What will we do with him?
Fuck him.
Let us spray-
Glory Glory Allelulah— Shit.
Belle to Ir. Winklestein,Winkleetein,Winkleetein,
Ealle to Mr. Winkleetein, dirty old man
For he keeps us waiting while he's masturbating
So balls to Mr. Winkleetein, dirty old men.
He upsem, he downe 'em
He fucke 'em, he drowns 'em
So balls to Mr. Winkleetein, dirty old can.
The monk stood in the Friory Kell, (5)
He fucked a nun against the wall.(?)
The other conks locked up in shame, (5)
And wished that they could do .the same. (2)
There came e maid with downcast eyes,(5)
They bashed it in between her thighs.(2)
They buried her beneath the erase, (3)
Then dug her up and fucked her arse. (2)
MOBILE
Oh the Eishop is a
Oh the Eishop is a
Oh the Eishop is a
And his brother is
And they wop it up
Ohcrue: .
Singing I will
Singing I will
Singing I will
I will
Singing I will
bugger .in Mobile
bugger in Mobile
bugger
another
eech other in Mobile.
if you will so will I
if you will so will I
if you will
if you will
if you will so will I.
Oh, the girls they weoas tin pants in Mobile, etc
But they take them off to dance
Everyone gets a chance in Mobile.
Ohorue.....
There's a shortage of good whores in Mobile, etc
Eut there's keyholes in the doors
And there's knot holes in the floors.
Ohorus.....
There's a prostitute called -Dinah in. Motile, etc
And you'll find that when you grind her
That she's got the best vagina in Mobile.
Ihorue.....
Oh, the parson is perverted in'Mobile, etc
And hie morale are inverted,
Eut there's thousands he's converted in Motile.
Ohorue.....
There's no paper in the bogs in Mobile, etc
So they wait until it clogs
Then they eaw it off in logs in Mobile.
Ohorue.....
Oh, the eagles tlpey fly high in Mobile, etc
And they shit right in your eye
It's a pity cowe contfly in Mobile.
Ohorus.....
Frenchies are in ehort supply in Mobile, etc
And thet's the reason why
You'll see them hanging out to dry in Motile.
Chorus......
There's a poofter toy called Hunt in Mobile,etc
And they think he's got a cunt
Fut he's only back to front in Mobile.
Chorus.......
There's a- bloke by name of Keith in Mobile, etc
You can tell him by the wreath
Of pubic hairs around hie teeth in Mobile.
Chorus......
Oh, the virgins they are rare in Motile,etc
When they get their pubic hair
They're deflowered by the Mayor in Mobile.
Chorus......
There's alad named Dirty Denny in Mobile, etc
And he likes his bit of fanny
And he gets it off his Granny in Mobile.
Chorus......
r * ,
There's a bastard Called K’ercetor in Mobile, etc
Who's the greatest masturbator, fornicator
Cunt inflator in Motile.
Chorus......
There's a girl with no ambit ions in Mobile, etc.
And when ehe isn't wishing, ehe gets it in the kitchen
From the local obstetrician in Mobile
Chorus.....
Gentlemen of the drinking classes, in Mobile, etc.
When you've finished with tour glasses
You can shove them up ypur arses in Mobile.
Chorus...... •
THE CLEAN SONG
There once wi s. a sailor, he looked thru the gloss
; j,nd apied a fr.ir maiden Tilth scales on her
Island wher^ seagulls fly over 'the n^st
She combed the long hair that hung over her
Shoulders and caused it to tickle and itch.
The sailor cried out there’s a beautiful
Mermaid out sitting there on the rocks
The crow came r, running a ’grabbing their
Glasses c.llonger to share in this fine piece of news
That the captain soon heard from the
Watch. He put on his pants v.hich he kept by the door
In case he might someday encounter a _
Mermaid. He new.he must use all of his wits
Crying throw out o line we’ll lasso h.vr
Clippers, feeling free just after the fnr.ee
She spit shed in the waves end fell fl t on her
After coming, with spleen
This song may seem dull but its certainly
Cler n..
IN DAYS OF OLD
In day’s of - old when knights were bold ,
And paper v.as’nt invented.’
They wiped their arse with mallae grass
And had to bo contented.
To be contented, ....
they had to bo contented.
In days of old when knights wore bold,
And frangers weren’t invented
They wrapped their cocks in woolen socks
And had to be contented.
To be.......
In days of old when knights were bold,
And women wera’nt invented
They drilled s hole in a wooden polo
And had to be contented
f *7
THE PASSENGERS
The passengers will please refrein from flushing while the train is in the
Station, Derling, Darling I love you
We encourage constipation while the train is in the ststion
Moonlight always makes me think of you.
If you wish to pass some water, kindly call the Fullasn porter
He will place a vessel in your room,
If the porter isn't near, then try the platform in thexrear
The one in front is likely to be full.
If the women's room be tsken, never feel the least forsaken
Never show a sign of sad defeat,
Try the men's room 'cross the hell, and if some man h8e had to call
He'll graciously relinquish you his seat.
If these efforts are in vain then simply break the window pane
This novel method's used by very few,
We go strolling through the park, using statuee in the dark,
If Mr. Fitt can do it, so can you.
LITTLE ANGELINE.
She was sweet sixteen MttHle Angeline
Always dancing on the village green
Never had e thrill, was a virgin still
Poor little Angeline.
Now the local squire had a low desire
Filthiest barstad in the whole damned shire
He had his heart on the vital part
Of poor little Angeline.
Game the village fair and the squire was there
Masterbating on the village square.
When he chanced to see the dainty knee
Of poor little Angeline
She had raised her skirt to avoid the dirt
As she skipped between the puddles of the squires last squirt
And his knob grew raw at the sight he sow
Of poor little Angeline.
So he raised his hat and he said, "Your cat
Has been run over and is squashed quite flat,
Now my car's in the square, and I'll teke you there"
Foor Little Angeline
Now that filthy turd should have got that bird,
Eut she climbed right in without a word.
As they drove away you could hear them say
Foor little Angeline.
IV
They had not gone far when he stopped the car
And took little Angelina into a bar
Where he gave her a gin just to make her sin
Foor little Angelins.
V/hen he oiled her well, he took her to a dell
And there he gave her. bloody fucking hell
And he tried his luck on a low down fuck
poor little Angeline.
With a cry of rape hs raised his cape,
Foor little Angelica had no escape
Now its time someone came to save the name
Cf poor little Angeline.
Now the village blacksmith was brave and bold
And loved Angeline for years untold
And he vowed he'd be true whatever they'de do to
Foor little Angeline.
But’ sad to say that very seme da y
The blacksmith hod gone to jail to stay
For coming in his pants at the local dance
With poor little Angeline.
Now the window of the cell overlooked the (Jell
Where the squire with Angie was giving, her hell
And there upon the grass he recognized the arse
Of poor little Angeline.
Now he got such a start he let go e fart and
Blew that whole bloody jail apart
And he ran like shit lest the squire should split
His poor little Angeline.
Oh blacksmith oh blacksmith I love you true
And I can tell by your trousers that you love me too
Here I am undressed you can do the rest-
Qried poor little Angeline.
Now it would be wrong here to e nd this song
For the blacksmith had a penis full# one foot long
iind his natural charm was as thick as your arm
Lucky little Angeline.
LIFE PRESENTS A DISMAL FIXTURE
Life presents a dismal picture
Full of sorrow and of gloom:
Father has an anal stricture,
Mother has a fallen womb.
Brother Percy's been deported
For a homosexual crime,
Sister Sue has been eborted
For the forty-second time.
Uncle Sharlie has a chancre
Uaught from uncle Henry's wife
May's in bed with menstruation,
Auntie's at the change of life.
Life presents 9 dismal picture*.
No one hardly ever smiles;
Mine's a gloomy occupation i
Crushing ice for Grandpa's piles.
Life presents a dismal picture-
Found a foetus in s case;
Dr. Eowden says it's murder-
Cf sister Anne there trace
Brother Eill'e emasculated
For the safety of the,
Sister anne is now frustrated
No man'e safe around our place.
As for me I hod a discharge
With mercury I did annoint,
But it was net worth a cracker;
Now I've got a Gharcof's joint.
Gonococcal Salpingitis
It has blocked my tubes for me;
So you see my dearest doctor,
It's no use to do a D. and G.
SEXIATUS MANIA
S xiatue mania
Frustratatum randium
Sexietue manié
Frustratatum ¡raniáum
Prostitutum contraception
Hand et fingum masturbatum
Setisfector relievium
Satisfactor relievium.
TELL US ANOTHERIE
A giddy young trollop at Yale
Had verses tatooed on her tail,
And below her behind
For the sake of the blind
Was a duplicate version in braille.
OHORUS: OH, that was a dirty old rhyme,
Tell us anothery, dirty as buggery,
Tell us anothery, do, please do.
There was a young lady from Thrace,
Whose corsets grew too tight to lace.
Her mother said "Nelly", there's more in your belly,
Than ever went in through your face.™
There once was a lady of the Azores,
Whose cunt was all covered in sores,
Even dogs in the street wouldn't lick the green meat
That hung in festoons from her drawers.
There ®nce was a lady of Exter
Who made all the men crane their necks at her,
And some who were brave would gallantly wsve
The distinguishing marks of their sex at her.
There once was s monk froE Siberia
Whose morals were rather inferior
He did to a nun what he shouldn't have done,
And now she'e a mother superior.
There was a young lady called Starkie,
Who had an affair with a darkie,
The result of this sin wss quadruplets, not twins,
One black, and one white, and two khaki.
There was a young man from Australia,
'Who painted hie rear like a dahlia,
The drawing was fin, the colour divine,
But the smell of the bloom was a failure.
A lesbian once in Khartoum,
Asked a fairy boy up to her room
They spent the whole night in a hell of s fight
As to which should do what and to whom.
The dirty old bishop of Buckingham
Was thinking of tits and of sucking 'em,
While watching the stunts of the cunts in the punts
And the tricks of the pricks that were fucking 'em.
2~ 1
There was a young led free the Yarra
Whose prick was as big as a marrow,
So he raijj to hie tart "Cop this for a start,
And I’ll whell my balls up in s berrow."
There was a young girl from Dakota
Who lived in a Chinese pagode,
The walls of the halls were lined with the bells
And the tools of the fools who had rode her.
There was a young man from Ferth
Who was the dirtiest bastard on earth,
When hie wife was confined, he pulled down the blind
And licked up the green afterbirth.
There was a young man from the Alice
Who pissed in the Archbishop's chalice,
But it wasn't the need which prompted the deed,
But pure sectarian malice.
There was a young lady from Ceit,
Who went to a twopenny closet;
And when she got there, she could only pass air,
That wasn't worth twopene, was it?
In the garden of Eden sat Adam
Ae he played with the twet of his madam;
He chuckled with mirth, as he thought; Oh this earth
There were only two balls, and he had 'erp.
There aws a young man of Kings,
Whose mind dwelt on heavenly things,
Hie earthly desire was e boy from the choir,
With an arse like a jelly on springs.
There was a young lady of fashion,
Who had oodles and oodles of passion,
To the bridegroom she said, on the night ehe was wed
"Here's one thing the State can't ration".
There was a young lady of Erskine
And the cheif of her charms wse a fair skin,
But the sable she wore, (and minks galore)
She earned whilst wearing her bare akin
Oh knock-kneed Son KcC-uzzen
Who married his bow legged cousin.
Some people say love finds a way,
But for Sam and hie cousin it doesn't.
There wee a young lady from York
Said to a Frenchman who gnawed at her fork
nmy cunt is dripping, so stop your'sipping'"
And use your cock as -a .cork." !•' •••*■•'u‘~- '1 ' •)n'i ‘u
There once was a girl from Lieth,
Who sucked young men off with her teeth
It wasn’t for pleasure she adopted this measure
But to get at the cheese underneath
There was a young man from Pardon,
Whose sort sucked him off in the garden
He said "Hey Flo, where did it go?"
She said "Hup, beg your pardon?"
There was a young man from Kildare
Who started s root on a stair,
When the bannister broke, he just quickened his stroke
And finished her off in mid air.
There was a young fellow of Heeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds,
In e month, silly arse, he was covered in grass,
And couldn't sit down for the weeds.
There was a young splinterish lass
Who constructed her panties of brass
When asked Do they chsfe?" She said "Yes, but its safe
Against pinches and pins in your arse."
A midget, once quite indiscreet,
Went to a dance in the street
One frigid December, he froze every member,
And crept away to retreat.
A fanatic gun-lover called Qrust
Was perverse to the point of disgust
His idea of a peach had a 16" breach
And a pearlhandled ¿+4 bust.
There once was a maiden from yultry
Whose knowledge was quite desultery,
She explained like a sage, adolescence- the stage
Between puberty and adultery.
There was a young lady from Sydney
Who could take it right up to the kidney,
But a man from the South got it up to her mouth,
He got hie money's worth didn't hel
There once wae a fellow from Kent
Whose tool was horribly bent
To save himself trouble he put it in double
And instead of cumming he went.
There once wss a chap from St. Kilda
Who took out a girl called Matilda
He said that he could, and he should, end he would
And he did and he fucking well killed her.
There once was a man named Jim
Who h8d a girl who ate hymen
It wesnTt her 6ize that attracted hie eyes
But the crystallized cum on the rim.
There was a young man from Horsham
Who took out his balls to waeh ’em
His mother sai^ "jack, if you don’t put them beck
I'll stand on the buggers and squash 'em".
There was a pert lass from Madras
Who had a peculiar arse
Not rounded and pink like you'd probably think,
But was grey, had long ears and ate grass.
There wae a young man from Nabs
'Who lived on pox pickings and scabs
If he get sick on spew, which he often would do;
His wifes monthly blood brought him through
There was a young man from Bermuda
Who liked his tart nude when he' wooed her
She thought it was rude to be wooed in the nude
But the fellow was shrewder and screwed her
There wae a young lady called Mable
Who liked it best on the table
What a cunt of a whore, she'd take 2C0 or more
And invite any back who were able.
A girl of uncertain nativity
Had a sense of extreme sensitivity
When she eat on the lap of a German or Jap
Sho would sense fifth column activity.
The spouse of a pretty young thing
Game home from the wars in the spring
He was lame but he came with hie hBnd on hiB cane,
A discharge iP a wonderful thing.
There wss a young man from Rangoon,
Who was an unfortunate houn,
He hadn't the luck to be born by a fuck,
But by a wet dream fed in by 8 spoon.
There was a young girl from Bengal
Who went to the birth control ball.
Took all her accessories} letters and pecariee,
And didn't get asked at-all.
A policeman from Tottenham junction
Lost the uee of his sexual function
For the rest of hie life he deceived his wife
By dextrous use of his trunchion.
There wss a young man from St. Fsul
Who h8d ehexagonal ball
The square of his kali date, plus his penis times eight
Was two fifths of five eights of fuck all.
There was a young chap from the cape
Who foolishly took on an ape
The ape said "You f-ool, you'll bugger your tool,
And put my arse out of shape."
There was a young girl in Japan,
There was a young girl in Japan
Who went for a ride in o tram,
The dirty conductor got up and fucked her
And now she's wheeling a pram.
There was a young girl from Bengal
Wore a newspaper dress to a ball,
The dress caught fire, and burnt her entire
Front page, sporting section and all.
A dirty old bastard called Dave
Used to keep a dead whore in a cave,
"I know it's disgusting, but shetonly needs dusting
And think of the money I save". -
There was a young man from Cape Korn,
Who wished that he'd never been born.
He wouldn't have been if his father had seen,
That the end of hie letter wa.e torn.
There was a young Jewess called Grace,
Who sucked off one of her race
In spite of her howls, she sucked cut his bowels
And spat them back into his face. .
There was a young Xedy of Kew,
Who said as the Eis-hop withdrew,
"The vicar was. quicjker and slicker and thicker
An'd'- nine' inches, longer than you."
There was a fellow from Peru,
Who lived on cat's jerk-off and spew,
When he tired of the
There once was a conoetry monk,
Who went off to sleep on a bunk,
He dreamt that Venus was stroking hie penis
A dirty old man from 0alcutt3,
Once raped a young girl in the gutter
There aws an old hag from Jahore,
Who was covered with syphilis sore,
Great sheets of green meat hung in lengths to the street
There once was a dentist named Ohome
Who had e young patient from Pome
In a fit of depravity, he filled the wrong cavity
Nov; ghe's nursing the filling at home.
There once was a lady called Myrtle,
Who had an affair with a turtle
The next day st dawn, she gave birth to e prawn,
Which proved that the turtle was fertile.
Said the Puke to the Euchese elective,
"Is my eyesight becoming defective?
Is the east tit the least te best of the west tit
There was a young man from Rhiems
With commendable wit, he encased them in shit,
And sold them as chocolate creams
There wes a young baker from Tottenham
And whopped off young dogs till they shot in 'em Tiiti liALL OF K£'HY.viOOR
1 gve you hoard of the ball, tho ball of Kerrymoor,
"here four and twenty virgins wer e lying on the floer,
Chorus (No. 1.)
Jingin rrv7FToTll do mo t is time, who’ll do mo now,
Tho one who did -no la^t time nust’vo use a plough.”
First lady forward, second lady oack,
Third lady’s finger up tho fourth lady’s crock.
Chorus (nltornativo)
binging, "Jails to your partner, .-roc against the wall,
There was fucking in too hallways and fucking in the ricks,
handy .icpherson ho c 10 along, it vas a bloody shame,
The Parson’s daughter she was there, the cunning Little runt,
Four and twenty virgins came down from Inverness,
out after the bull was over there were four and. twenty less.
The undertaker he was there, enveloped in a shroud,
Swinging from the chandelier, m d pissing on the crowd.
The village Idiot he war, there, sitting on a pole,
He pulled hi a foreskin over his head, and whistled
sirs• O’ .¡rleoy she was there, she had tho crowd in fits,
The bride was in the kitchen, explaining to the groom,
That thy vagina, not the rectum was the entrance to the womb.
Tho village -agician he wa... there up to his favourite Jick
The village smithy he was there sitting ay the fire
iNiOivf armor hi Iks he was there, ilia ruckle in his hand
The vicar*a wife she was Cher , back ajainat the wall 7 ~7
line vicar ¿c his wife were having lots of fun,
T)ie parson had hi3 finger up another la^ioS bum.
There was fucking on the highway;; & fucking in the lanao,
, And you. could * nt hear the music for the rattling of the
The village doctor he was there, he had his bag of tricks
Father o'Flanagan he uu.. there, and in the corner he sat
There was fucking in the couches, there wo3 fucking in the
And lying up against the wall, were rows of grinning twots.
The villa, e postman he was there, he had a load of pox
Farmer drown he was there, a jumping on his hut,
For half an acre of aia corn was fairly fucking flat.
played a dirty trick, wc canna lot it pass
------ he was there, was drunk without a doot
he tried to stuff the parson’s wife but couldna get the root.
------ had an even stoke, his skill was much admired
he gratified one cunt a time untill his strength expired.
------oh he was t.icro, and he was in despair,
He couldna get his penis through the tangle of the hair.
— did his fucking oot upon the moor
------ he was there a looking for a fuck,
but every cunt was occupied, so he was out of luck.
------when he got there his prick was. long and high
dut when he’d fucked her forty times he w s fucking mighty
------on he was the re, hi3 prick was long and broad,
And when he’d fuckei the farmer's wife she had to to rebored.«
------ he was there, his prick was all alert,
3ut .hen hall' the night was done *twaa dangling in the dirt.
The chimn cy weep he was- there they had to throw him out The doctor’s daughter she was there, she went to gather
¿he couldna find a blade of grass for balls and standing
The village buj Icier, he was there, he brought his bag of
He poured cement in all theholes and blunted half the
Little Jimmy he was there, he had it in his mitt
"Now Uncle .illle he was there, the leader of the choir
Now little Tommy he was-thoro, but he was only'eight
• • -*. - . - ■
Sir Kinston Churchill he was -there, down behind the bar,
There was fucking in the hallways, and fucking' on the
You couldna see the carpet for the bums arid curly hairs.
There was fucking from the charderliors, and. .fucking
Anri you couldna hear the bagpipes for the clanging of
And when the ball was over, they all went home to rest,
PAHNACLh BILL
who’3 that knocking at iny door
Oh it’s only me from across the sea
I’m ycun enough and ready and tough
You .can sleep upon the floor (3)
Cried the fair young maiden
Ch get off the floor you dirty old wh re
Cried Barnacle bill 00«etc, THE CHINESE MAIDEN
in the street of a ’thous'a'ncT arseholes,
3y the sign of the swinging tit,
There lived a Chinese maiden
By the name of Oo-Flang-Shit , '
Chorus
Her greasy t.wat
She sat beneath the. joss .sticks,
With a smile of celestial bliss.
Her breath like scented lotus •
Her eyes like pools of piss. :
Chorus - ......
Shd thought of her lover a bastard,
She thought of her pox-ridden beaux, .
She thought of the scores she’d had on the floors;
Chorus ....
"Oh com-- to me you bag of shiti"
He cried with cock in hand.
"My love for you will last for hours
Chorus
She- raised herself on her starboard tit,
And idly scratched her crack.
With smiles in her eyes, she looked at him,
THa MOM OF PRIORY HALL
There was an old monk of Priory Hall,
There was un old monk of Priory Hall.
Who bashed his balls against & wall.
They were huge balls, large balls,
Balisp-1 h vy as lead,
Balls, Balls
With a dextrous flick of his muscular prick, You can sleep upon the mat (3)
Cried the fair young maiden
You can sleep upon the stairs (3)
Cried the fair young maiden
Oh bugger the stairs they havn't got hairs
Cried Barnacle Bill ••►••etc.
You can sleep between my tits (3)
Cried the fair young maiden
Oh bugger your tits they give me the shits
Cried Barnacle Bill •••••etc.
You can sleep between my thigho (3)
Cried the fair young maiden
Oh bugger your thighs they’re covered in flies
we do when the baby’s born
(3)
Oh -Ve’ll drov;n the bugger and fuck for another She married an Italian
With halls like a Sunken! sttallian. -.
She lived on a fountain
And she pissed like a hloody fountain.
She lived on acattff e-ranch
And shatt like a Moody avalanche...
She married a demon
She hangs like ashithouse door
She sat on tthe window-sill
And sucked until she'd had her fill...
She married a setts roan
Who tickled the twots-invent .. .
She could take any prick
But the huttohers dog's, was to thick.
Iff she were my daughter
She lived" on. malted milkshakes
And rooted likea "bloody rattlesnake;, * SHARES IN THE VERY BEST COMBANIES
I've shares in the very best companies,
In tramwaays, tobacco & tin.
In brothels in Rio Do Janiero,
Oh how the money rolls in,.
Rolls in, rolls in.
See how the money rolls in, rolls in.
Rolls in, rolls in,
My God how tho money rolls in,
With wealth in the big German steel works,
For when he suppressed the traid unions,
My Gr t how the munoy rolled in.
My father sent field guns to France,
My brother raised ldans for Berlin,
My uncle sent scrap iron to Tojo,
To make sure tho money rolled ine
My cousin's a starting price bookie,
My mother sells synthetic gin,
sister sells sin to the sailors,
-God, how tho money rolls in.
My brother's a curate in Sydney,
He's saving the girlies from sin.
He'll save you a blonde for a dollar,
My God how the money rolls in.
Wove started an eld fashioned gin shop,
A regular palace cf sin,
The principal girl is my grandma,
My God how the money rolls in.
My father manufactures french letters,
My mother pricks them with a pin,
My sister performs the abortions.
My God how the money rolls in,
BRITISH GRENADIERS
Some die cf diabetes & some of diarrohea,
Some die of drinking whiskye & some of drinking beer,
From the end of your prick Chariot-fee The Harlot.
I was riding through Texas where.the bullshit
I was ridin through Texas with my hand on
When I suddenly saw her the girl I adore,,
Twas Charlotte the Harlot the eowpunchers
CHORUS:
She's easy, she's greasy she lives on the
And whenever you see her she's always on:
She'll do it for a dollar come less or
She's Charlotte the Harlot the cow punchers
illr¥ay on the bed and was feeling quite fit
So she up with the window and out with her
Pity help the poor bastard who happened to
Chorus;
The poor old night watchman was pounding his
Up and down, up and down, up in the street,
And a bloody great turd hit him right in the
Chorus:
The poor old knightwatchman was blinded for
With seven screaming kidS and a syphillitic
You'll see him on the corner of Market and
With a sign round his k neck saying,"Blinded
Ch orus. CHARLOTTE -THE -HAS-LOT. •
I was ridin' through Texas where the "bullshit
lies thick,
When I suddenly saw her the girl I adore,.
Twas Charlotte the harlot the cowpuneher's whore,
She's easy, she's greasy,, she lives on the street,
more,
She's Charlotte the Harlot the co\ puncher's whore.
She lay on the bed and was feeling quite fit,.
When all of a sudden she felt like a shit:,
So she up with the window and out with her arse,
CHORUS;- She's easy
The poor old night-watchman, was pounding his beat,
When he heard a great thunder, looked up in- the sky
CHORUS;- She 1s easy__________
The poor old night-watchman was blinded for life,
With a sign around his neck saying "Blinded by Shit.
CHORUS;- She 1s easy_________
The first time I met her she was all dressed in
white,
All in white, all in white,
I had my finger in tight,
And she followed me down to the valley below.
The next time I met her she was all dressed in pink,
Oh how my finger did stink,
She followed me down to the valley below.
The next time I met her she was all dressed inpeuce,
I sucked her menstrual juice,
Down in the valley where she followed me. t # ' • *
I'M I
t > ¡
■ r F
35
The next time 'i met* her sh^ vms all dressed in red,
Oh how her .hymen hied,
Down in th£ valley whe,re she followed me.
The next time I met j!ef she was all dressed in., mauve,
All in maullé, fell- trf/pirveT
Fucked hy cinorner cow, J j
Down in the valley vmdri she followed me.
The next time I met her she was all 'Pressed in black,
I got my money back,
Down in the valley where she followed me.
T'rT0 BOLD GENDARMET
From the brothels back in Sydney
v,e fuck 'em all... We fuck 'em all
*,ne fuck 'em all... We fuck 'em all
CQ'JTTRCIAL ADVERTISING
Chinese couple going^Tild
' ant £1 hive ‘f fiijejwjfite child
But find no 'way lot having one
Sideways is the Chinese way
Little fellow pure and white
Tells what he learnt on TV
He out Fersil on his tooley
Use Blue Omo on her fanny
Brushed his balls with Pepsodent." ESKIMO
NELL
Gather round all you whorey #
Gather round and hear this story.
When a man grows old, and his -balls go cold,
And the tip of his prick turns blue;
*.nd it bends in the middle like an old string fiddle
So pull up a chair, and buy me a drink,
And a tale to you I'll tell
And a harlot called Eskimo Nell.
When Dead-eyed Dick and Mexican Pete
When Dead-eyed Dick and Mexican Pete
It's always the c---- that bears the brunt
But the shooting ain't so bad.
Now Dead-eyed Dick and Mexican Pete
And such was their luck, they hadn't a f-----
For well nigh on a week.
»cept a moose or two
And a Cribou and a bison cow or so
Apd as Dead-eye Dick was a great king-prick
He found things f----ing slow.
So dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
As they blazed their noisy trail
No man in their path withstood
And many a bridd, her husbands pride,
A pregnant widow stood.
They reached th9 banks of the Rio Grand
And to slake their thirst, and do thsdr worst,
They sought Red ^Tike's saloon
+ They knew this trick of head-eye dick
And with scarcely worse than muttered curse
And forty whores pulled down their drawers
They saw the fingers of Mexican Ptte
And they didn't wait tut at a fearful rate
Nov/ Dead-eye Dick was breathing quick, with leche
-erous snorts and grunts
So forty arses wpme tared to view, and likewise
forty cunts
Nov/ forty ^rses and forty cunts, if you can use
your wits
And if your slick at Arithmetic, makes exactly
eighty tits.
Now eighty tits is a gladsome sight, to a man
with a mighty strand
It might seem rare on Berkley square, tut it's "o
not on the Rio Grande
Now Dead-eye Dick had fucked a few on the last
preceding night
This he had done just to show his fun, and tp
whet h:3 apetite
His phallic limt was in fucking trim, as he
tacked and took a run
He made a dash to the nearest tart, and scored a
hole in one.
He tore her to the sandy floor, and there he .
fucked her fine
And though she grinned it put the wind up the
other thirty-nine.
■Then Dead-eye Dick lets loose his prick, he's
got no time yo spare
For speed and strength combine with length, he
fairly singes hair
He made a dart at the next spare tart, when into
that harlot's hell
There strode a maid who was ne'er afraid, Her 3'
By this time Dick had got his prick, well into
number two
/hen Eskimo Nell le$ out a yell, she bawled to
him "Hey you!"
He gave a flick of his rauscu ,ar prick, and the
girl flew over his head
his face and his knob were red.
She glanced our hero up and down, his looks she
seemed to decrie
She looked with scorn at his mighty horn, which
rose from his hairy thighs
that steaming knob
And so dead beat was TTexican Pete hat he failed
to do his job.
’fwas Eskimo Nell who broke the spell, in
accents clear and cool
You cunt struck simp of a Yankee pimp, you call
If this here town cant rake this down, she
O
She stripped her garments one by one, with an air
And as she stood in her womanhood, they saw the
great divide
She seated herself on a tabletop, where someone
With a twitch of her tits she crushed it to bits
■She flexed her knees with supple ease, and spresd
And with a friendly nod to the rangy sod, she
to take his time
A girl like this was fucking bliss so he played
the pantomime. He flexed His foreskin to and fro. and made his
balls inflate
Until they looked like a couple of granite globes
on top of a garden gate
He worked his anus in and out, his balls increase
in size
His mighty prick grew twice as thick, till it
nearly matched his thighs.
He polished it up with alcohol and made it steami
-ing hot
And to finish the job he sprinkled the knob with
. a Cheyenne pot
Then he did not take a'run, he did not take a leap
\ forwOrd creep
With piercing eye, he took a sight along his
mighty tool
And the steady grin as he pushed it in was calc-
Have you ever seen the pistons work on a giant
CBR
With a driving force of. a thousand horse, well
Or you think you do! \cut you've yet to learn the
guy like lead-eye Dick
But Eskimo Nell was no infidel, as good as a
1 whole harem
With the strength of ten in her abdomen, and the
Amidships she could
take a stream, like the flush of a water closet
on a National Safe Deposit
If he'd a mind he'd grind and grind for a couple
of solid hours
Nell lay for a while with a subtle smile, the grip
With a squeeze of her cunt she sucked him dry with
classic
The effect on Dick was sudden and quick like an
anaesthetic. He fell to the floor and knew no .¡lore, his passions
extinct and dead
And he did not snout.as his prick came out, though
it surely stripped its thread
Then Mexican Pete jumped to i .3 feet to avenge his
pals afro n't
With a jarring jolt of his blue nosed coit, he
rammed it u{ her cunt.
He rammed it up to the tr igg-i grl. and fired
"I might have known that that would be the best you
two poor cunts could do"
"When next my friends that y1 . Interd to sally
Huy Dead-eye Dick a sugar r'ink and yourself an
elephant gun
I'm going back to the frozen north, where the pricks
are hard and strong
Sack to the land of the frozen strand, where the
nights are sir. months lon&.
Its as hard as tiu when they put it in, in the land
where spark is spunk
Mot a trickling stream of lukew ,rm cream, but a
frozen re l id chunk
Sack to the land where they and- rrtand what it means
to fornicate
//here even the dead share a double bed and the
babies masturbate
Sack to the land where men are men, Terra Bellicum
And there I'll sp-nd a worthy .¡.id, for the North is
calling "Corns."
So Dead -eye Dick and Mexican p '.0. slunk out of
the Rio Grande
Dead -eye Dick with a useless prick
and Pete with ns gun in his hand.
A VERSE CT APPRECIATION
¿/hen a man grows old, and hi.. b..I.'s grow cold BOTO MABIO
There once was a gay caballero
He went to a low down casino
He met there a gay senorino
He caught there a nasty diseaso
So he went to a learned doctoro
Now he sits on a bank of the Bio
So beware all you gay caballeros
You exceedingly gay caballeros
If you don't want the pox, then put sox
on your cooks
Bo- Boto Mario.
THE BBEEZES
Here’s to the breezes-
Wot lifts the girls tweezes,
Above their bare kneezes,
And lets us all seezes,
The-things that us pleases,
Be Jeezes......
The breezes! <1
-------CPTCTB? ^ * ""• - '
An—int-e-re-e Hng~match "took p l's3* hero today, -when the
42-
1a die a c apt nined
by ¿Ir s • We arm c 11.
i Gt.cn
that the men were
cutting and pulling steadily, he and hr. Cox put up a
hr. Woodcock followed and was at the crease twenty minutes
H1'"
from hiss
rnage
\ì l
got
U A.J. viAW. VAA -v AA' V* « V. w«- __to hold it.
lire. R. bavatit drew frequent applause by showing her
The men were -'’ll out by lunch and on resuming it was
miAqus click and :. gro
she w
long one
was an
n was heard v.c she walked back to
avillion.
though he was koepin.. his balls low, i.Iiss Ophelia Twott
;e Hunt was to quick for me", she addmitted later. Miss
a draw and the President, Lady Cumwell, says
eg
s she said
oOo
V
\
:\ \ THE ALPiABET SONG
A is for arseholes all covered in hair
r is the bugger that wished he were,there
C is for cunt all drinning with piss
Eis for eunichs with only one ball
G is for gonorrhoea, goitre and gout
I is injection for clan, pox and itch
K is the king who thought fucking a bore
M is for maidenhood all tattered and torn
0 is for oriface gently revealed
Q is the quaker who shot in his hat
S is the shit pot all full to the brim
U is the usher who taught us at school
W-the wiore who thought fucking a
GIANDFATHERS COCK
My grandfathers cock was to large for his jock JUST A BOY.
1 remember the first' time I tried it
And even though she was much younger
I was eager, yet awkwardly backward
It was out in the barn, I remember,
At the close of a fine summer day,
And the evening was scented with clover
I remember I spoke to her softly
As I moved up lovingly tov/ards her,
While she nestled her head in. my arm.
Looking back on it now, I remember
How I stood when my head seemed to spin,
rrith the thoughts of the thing I planned doing,
Yet somehow afraid to begin.
Then later I found myself standing
Twenty years hove gone by since that evening
The thrill and the joy that I felt as a boy
i;.\00 V azxiin I3HM I MUHm AVd IVHI NO
BUUGABBD
Tune: "Botany Bay"
From rupture to varicose veins.
Singing too-ra-li-oo-ra-li-addity
Neuritis with me is a hobby
I've bunions and corns on my feet
And I seem to breed stones in my bladder
Like fuckin great lumps of concrete.
I've spent a small fortune on chemists
And in spite of the cures I'm taking
I've a stricture in tje tube of my penis
And I don't mind telling you this
I've to whistle "The Last Rose of Summer"
To coax my poor doodle to piss.
A?-d as for a first class erection
So my time's all. spent in the shithouse
Or moaning or groaning in bed
While my friends they all murmur when passing
It's time the poqr-bastard was dead.
o j, . C •
C
corne.,
i w x - fa
thb pidujsg i>n>.
A farmer's dog once came to town,
Eis Christian name was Pete.
His pedigree was two miles long
And as he trotted down the road
Hi3 work on every tree.
He watered every gateway,
He never missed a post,
ibr piddling was his masterpiece
And piddling was his boast.
The city dogs looked longingly on
To seo the simple country dog the piddler of his age
Then all the dogs from far and wide
Tc sniff this country stranger off,
Ar d judge him by his smell.
They sniffed beneath his stumpy tail.
Their praise of him ran high,
And when one sniffed him underneath,
Fote piddled in his eye.
They smelled him over one by one,
They smelled him ywo by two,
And noble Pete in high disdain
He piddled on the onions.
He piddle! on the floor,
And when she grocer kicked him out
Behind him all the city dogs
■They'd start a piddling carnival
They-fi. show him all the piddling posts
They st..-?rted off with many winks
They called the champion piddlers,
Who wore always on the go.
And sometiaes held a piddling comp.,
A ■*% i r rr aVir\ t.r They sprang this on him suddenly,
When halfway through the town.
But Pete just piddled on and on,
And vx>re the champions down,
For Pete was vdth them every trick,
A thousand piddles more or less.
Were all the same to him.
So ha was kicking merrily.
With hind leg kicking high,
When most were lifting iegs in bluff
On and on<>Pete sought new grounds
Till every other dog went dry.
And gave up in disgust.
But on and on went noble Pete,
So water every sandhill.
Till all the city champions
Then Pete ar. exhibition gave
Like '’double trip" and "family flip",
And all the time the country dog
But piddled blithely out of town
The city dogs said"so long friend,
Tour piddling defeats us".
But nc'-one ever put them wise
TOUS. SP003ÎIK& MTS
Your snooning days are over,
Your pilot li^it is out;
What used to be your wtt-r sex-appeal
Is now your water spout.
You used to be embarrased
To make the thing behave
For every blooming morning
It would stand up and vAtch you shave.
But now you are growing old,
It sure gives you the1 blues,
„To . see the thing hang down your leg
LIQUOR MB IXCrGLMITY
The horse and mule live >;M rty
The goat and sheep at twenty die
The cow drinks water by the tons
The cat in milk and water soaks
And then in twelve short years it croaks,,
The modest sober hone dry hen
Lays eggs (for nogs; and dies at ten»
A IX animals are strictly dry;
They sinless Iivej,and quickly die»
But 3inial.skiniulsrum-eoaked men
Stay pickled till the* a. a ninety-two.
SAMAHI SAIL
When the evening sky over Samari is tinged a dusky red
Kwato Head,
When the tall sea pines resounds to the whines of the
nimble anophiles
Twas the time of day.old timers say, they burned old
Dumfries.
Nov; thoce who have been t£r the tropics k2rov what the sun
can do,
When prides hang limp like gutted shrimps,and testicles
stick like glue;
When even a fart can*t raise a start and you'll never no-
You can only clutch at the base of your crutch, and feel
you've been througdi hell.
It was such a day at Lao, 1 could not just get up.
My arse was glued to the seat of the chair, like a rubber
suction cap,
When a trader covea picking his nose, and flicking the
flies from his bum.
He told us the bale of iieck KcPhail as he moodily sniffed
at his rum,
'Nov; in days gone by in Saaari, it was much the same now.
chow. So be scudded east with. his heart at-ease* and his stern
sails set.
Though he'd been In strife with the cops at Fife, ahn_ggdn^
a goat for a bet
He shouted all that long hard day at his sweating Kanaka
crew,
"Toni^at we get to Samari or I have your balls for stew,“
So seS up in the bar of the Evening Star, he strode with
measured tread,
And the local belles who knew him well, cringed back in
silent dread,
But he only smiled at a wayward child.and waved his mighty
cook,
"Why damn your eyes do you think it wise fcfi trifle with
Dumfries Jock?"
With legs astride and with coneious pridp he addressed
"I dinna fear there's a bastard here who villna drink wi'me"
crew.
But they stopped their noise at a sound of a voice they all
Framed in the door was a pointed whore, her vulva curled
in a sneer,
"So there's the Jock with the outsize cock,"She said in a
knowing leer,-
"That sort of prick wpuld'nt take a trick;!iar.d her arse was
spread in a grin,
"It must have been seized with some filthy disease for.it
looks like a rolling
Jock's blue eyes held a mild surprise as he turned to gaze
at the whore,
Those who knew what the prick could do timidly edged to the
door,
A t the sight of his face,they gave him space9but he merely
grazed at the tart,
And said never a word though the closest heard the sibilent
hissof his fart.
Though ypu must admit she had plenty of guts,this well built
stocky maid,
And she was no fool thou^i her only school was a brothel in
Fort Saidg
She'd sucked them dry from the Mo rati to the Panama Canal, . 5o
m- * -*■
•Shis ••hav«uThC" iae p-A««u true etti. tfc« '0073 were
all in town.
ind the local slats picked scabs from their cants as they
slipped their knickers down.,
With rise and fall of battocks and thighs on a. low slung
wicker bench,,
The ADOvas having a go at a ducky Ktsaslis. vr«ch0
Pete Me Click,
W ho smiled and casually burned the hair iron that gent1 a
prick,
A pink.cheeked cadet in a lather ev/e&t van pulling himself
in a glass,
W hile his mate gave a tug at a two pint jug that was jammed
into his arse.
But they stopped their fun at the roar of ?. gun and a voice
like a Sbrth S3A gale
"Gangway,by God,you turd born sod,make way for Jock McPail?
Kow Jock was a man of the Campbell clan,though hie breed
. ' exists no more
Thought he roftmed the seaa8he hailed fiom Dumfries-----was
Scot pure Scot to the core.
I he long low line of the schooner fine was known in every
. port.
When he took hie ease,like a Eorch Sea breezasin inter-
sexual sport.
From Baring Strait to the Golden Gate it had blazed a
* " lusty trail.
Where countless whores had ample cause to rscall the name
Paid him well in trochous shell,had a wad of cash in bank,
oxygen tank*
A whore in Singapore once made the beasef':.! c_y,
That dead or alive.no man in bed her lust could satisfy.
In the chilly dawn when the Sot had gone by the light of
the early ¿armsun.
With palsied hands and ruptured glands,rho repaired the
danayj he had done.
Some Dago scum with the courage of r undone a made an
Ulttmed Jest
Of slipping an old brass cannon down the back r f the
Scotsman''b vest»
With a wriggle and slip and a python grip JocV clenched .
the cheeks of his aroe,
Anj^the wat3*1®13 Saw:>with awe„ j ur. t a mass3 of twisted brass. 5 *
•at !:i e h it Ly never c • red a j ot, o ,;e sLi - Of. ‘ of is
outh of that nuiverin,; crack.
i t’> ~r^«ly p. neusc t tbe „aping ja^s of -.'r." t fur triced
hole,
fh :u-ii the Catchers saw in that cavernous 3w, the hot-
fiics olnvi-v to.'-is,
confident srilla Joe.:
And t c i ’ it' ■ snap she d°cjbscd her trap, on his uasus-
nec.tinr cock.
?or h.o J'-nanesc t rt
i •■>"+ La3
«±*«te shoved her' the art in a
Then, h v-s ancient lire to the hippo.!': 'c. ’ he re a.l ! ad.
never seen it done.
'ey is tine about tlie fa.loni',n. tubes an/’ contr.acting; the
vails of her b .at,
c s a wed - i lb nridc It7«' a prick coulcd be tied in n
»••uifcc inextricable knot.
o the cot v-ns bound, ’ c never hod found s. iilc~a suite
lice ti is,
An d the watchers guessed by the sweat on his chest that
sorjetiling had gone amiss,
"7ith a pig-like grunt,he tugged at her cunt,gave a grunt
you could almost feel,
But never a snuirm her t'?,ot held fir.:,with a grip like
tempered steel.
He vainly thought as a last resort of a .45 calibre col$,
hone with a jolt
As the gun gave a roar,the unruiiled whore caught the slug
in her teeth 52.
But th e b urly Scot never cared a jot, so slipped of his
pants and vest,
And twice his cock,like an earthnuake shock,pounded his
hairy chest,
And thrice it rose and fell to his toes, the foreskin
flickered hack,
And he pushed his ham like a battering ram through the
mouth of that quivering crack.
With hardly a pause at the gaping jaws of that fur-trimmed
hole,
(Though no watchers saw,in that cavernous maw,the bot-flies
playing bowls)
The mouth of that womb soon closed like a tomb on the
confident smiling Jock,
And then with a snap she closed her trap,on his
unsuspecting cock.
For a Japanese tart had showed her the artin a spirit: of
innocent fun
Though twas ancient lore to the Nipponese whore,Sal had
never seen it done.
By twisting about the falopian tubes,and contracting the
walls of her twot,
She showed with pride how a prick could be tied in a-
quite inextricible knot.
So the Scot was bound;he never had found a dilema quite
like this,
And the watchers guessed by the sweat on his chest that
something had gone amiss.
V/ith a pig-like grunt he tugged at her cunt., gave a
groan y ou could almost feel,
But with never a squirm her twat held firm,v/ith a grip
like tempered steel.
He vainly thought as a last resort of a .4-5 calibre colt
So the muzzle he passed up that red-rimmed arse,
jamming it home with a jolt;
As the gun gave a roar,the unruffled whore caught the
slug in her teeth 5"3
Arid t—i's-ting about she spat it out on the hardwood fLoor
beneatrh.
Then Jock fell hack from that^g^dl^grag^, the painted
But Sal I was told relaxed her held when she saw what she
had done.
She massaged his hum with boiling rum,hut the time for
that had passed,
"Take care of your twotJ"cried the gallent Scot,and then
he breathed his last.
Now you know where the giant mangrove stands at the foot
of Sahari Reach,
"'here the old deserted shit-house stands on the sandy beach
the dunes,
And th e trun k of a treeas you still can see was carried
in classic runes.
And still they say at the close of day,when the sky is
dusxy red,
An^> the sun . a crimson ball of flame,dips down past
Ewato lie ad,
,There the tall sea-rines are loud with the whine of
the nimble anophiles,
An d th e wh ite hawk's cry is a lullaby and the roar
of the surf is ceased,
Then th e air is rent by the Cambell's lament to the
lilt of ^ibroch's wail,
As co-ck in hand on the coral strand, strides the ghost
of Jock FcPhail.
A SO-BIRR'S DREAF OF AN A™AS
A little maiden passing by
A little drink a fond caress 5f
A nair of panties mostly lace
A little pillow from the head
Two l.egs about my body twine
A bigger surge of something hot
A little shower when we're through
CHORUS
'Ring the be 1-1 verger, ring the Ire 11, ring;
Perhaps the congregation will condecend to sing.
Ocean liner seven days late
Captain 1s voice comes down the wire
BBC announcer sits
■Twiddling with the typists tits
Boss walks in and says with smiles
Stop twiddling tits and start twiddling dials
Down in the basement cook she lies
In the garage mistress sits
She has chauffer play v/ith tits
Master's voice comes from afar
Stop fucking nistresa and start fucking car*
Up in the belfry the bell man sits
^laying with his monster bit THE WOODPECKER’S HOHE
I put my finger in the ■woodpecker's hole
I . . 1 my'finger from the woodpecker's hale
And the woodpecker said well bless my soul
I replaced my finger in the woodpecker’s hole
I revolved ‘mv finger in the woodpecker’s hole
Turn it back, turn it backrReee-verse itl
I reverse" my finger in the woodpecker’s hole
I reciprocated my finger in the woodpecker’s hole
I retarded my finger in the woodpecker’s hole
1 re tracted my finger from the woodpecker’s hole
RAMONA
Ramona,I’m .iust returning from the hunt
I’ll press it,cpress it and make a mess all over the floor
COLONEL BOGY
■itler has only one brass ball,
Goering has two but very small,
Hut poor old Goebals has no balls a$ all. «t-t
ABDUL
The harems of Egypt are fair to behold
A travelling brothel came down from the north
Abdul came in with a snatch by his side
4
A date was arranged for the spectacle great
And the streets 'were all lined with the harlets assigned
They met on the track with tools hanging slack
They were both quick to rise the crowd gasped at the size
The harlets were shorn, no frenchies were worn
And the caliph who knew had a quick bet or two
They fucked all that night neeth the pale yellow light
But he could not compete with the slew steady beat
Now Ivan had wen and had eheldered hi gun
He bent down to polish his pair '
When something red hot up his great passsge shot
The harlets turned green, the crowd shouted "Queen"
They were ordered opart by the Tsar
It was bloody bed luck because Abdul was stuck
Up Ivan Skavinsky Scavar
The cream of this joke came when they broke 0'REILLY•S DAUGHTZ R
Standing down in O’Reilly’s bar
Chorus
Idi-iyuy, idi-iyo, idi-iya for the ono eyed Reilly
So I up the stairs and into bed
But she laughed like shit when the deed was over.
I fucked her till her tits ~: r. sore
If she doos’nt have twins then she bloody well or to.
I heard a footstep on the stairs
Who should it be but one eyed Reilly
Two horse pistols in his hand
Looking for the bugger who upped his daughter.
I grabbed O’Reilly by the balls
Abloody sight harder than I’d upped his daughter.
As I go walking down the street
People flock from every qu rter
Just to catch o glimpse of me
The man who'd upped O’Reilly’s daughter.
WAY DOWN IN THE VALLEY
Way down in the volley
Along came a swaggi .all tattered and torn
Down went his britches end up went his horn
Three months later all was well
Six months she beg-n to swell
Nino months 1 .ter she gave a grunt
And six little sw.ggies lapt out of her cunt. THE WILD WEST SHOW
Here ladies and gentlemen we have the hippopotamus,
Yes the hippopotamus is an amazing aninal
And Christ he's got diarrhoea.'
CHORUS
Oh we're off to see the wild west show,
The elephant and the kangaroo-oo -oo
Never mind the weather,we're all in this together
We're off to see the wild west show.
Here Ladies and gentlemen we have the Ooligooli bird
Yes the ooligooli bird is an amazing bird
It flies but it has no legs
And when it lands,ooooli - gooooli.'
Here ladies and gentlemen we have the giraffe
Yes the giraffe is an amazing animal
Here ladies and gentlemen we have the sphinx
Yes the sphinx is an .amazing animal
It i s the only animal with a triangular arsehole
It shits bricks, hence piramids.'
Here ladies and gentlemen we have the tight skinned
lizard
The tight skinned lizard?
Yes the tight skinned lizard is an amazing animal
And it flogged itself to deathi
Here ladies and gentlemen we have the rhinoceros
Yes the rhinosorarse is an amazing animal,
Its name comes from the ancient greek Here ladies and gentlonem we have the Oohah bird
Yes the oohah bird is an amazing bird
Here ladies and gentlemen we have the elephant
Yes the elephant is an amazing animal
It eats twelve hours a day,but only shits once a week
And when it shits it........
Move away there please sonny
Please move away sonny
Has anyone got a shovel?
Here ladies and gentlemen we have the orangatang
Yes the orangatang is an amazing animal
Its balls go orang - a - tang,orang - a - tang!
Here ladies and gentlemen.we have the mountain goat
The mountain goat is an amazing animal,
It fartc and jumps from crag to crag
As to whether the farts make it jump,or the jumps
make it fart! c I
MUNICIPAL dunny cart
The municipal dunny cart was loaded to the brim
like home".
Urrr-iiine,Yippee-i-ooo,nig'tmen in the sky.
They fished him out,it was too late,the maggots did
their work,
They left him by the roadside for the passersby to jerk.
The moral of this storyt'en,if you should shovel shit.
Don't throw yourself into your work or you may drown in it.
A R?*!Y LATRTNE8
y job is to clean the army latrines,
I'm the man with the plan for the pan that everyone uses.
So you can read while in my latrine.
We scrub it all night, we scrub it all day,
I keep it the way,the way you'd expect it:
And when it gets high I just disinfect it,
And everything's clean in my latrine,
I scrub it again at four in the morning,
And then we are scrubbing away forever,
And wondering if ever we'll get out that stain.
What motions divine - what raptures I ve seen
But along comes a crowd to destroy the work I’ve created
They gust let it fly,don't care where they place it;
You see what I mean in my latrine.
If a man is a freak and must leak like a creak, let him pay
direction
I've sandpapered each face so each base can establish
connection
But it all goes ur seen in my latrine.
No they won’t keep it clean,that bloody latrine,
Though the setts are all neat and »omplete underneath
* woodenledges
But they still get it wet like an artist's pallette
round the edges.
But I stand aloof - they carft hit the roof,
That's the one place that's clean,in my latrine. ROLL ME OVER IN THE CLOVER
Well this is number one and the fun has just begun.
again.
CHORUS
Roll me over in the clover,
Roll me over,lay me down and do it again.
Well this is number two and his hand is on my shoe,
Well this is number three and his hand is on my knee
Well this is number four and he's got me on thefloor
Well this is number five and his hand is on my thigh
Well this is number sijc and his meat' sbetween myhips
Y/ell this • is number seven and now it feels like heaven
%
Well this is number eight and the doctor's at the gate * C3
Show Die the Way to go Home
Show me the way to go home,
Said the girl or the Bondi beach,
I had a little swimsuit 'bout an hour ago,
But it's floated out of my reach,
And all that I have now
So give me a page of the Sunday Sun,
And show me the way tc go home.
Gro .gmtn.g On
No cares have we to grieve us
No pretty little girls to deceive us
All we need is a piss to releive us
As we go grogging on
Grogging on, grogging on (repeat)
As we go grogging on
And we’ll be full before long
As we go grogging on.
Drunk Last Nr ghjfc
Drunk last night, drunk the night before,
Going to get drunk tonight like we never got
drunk before,
Here we are as happy as can be,
’Cause we are the boys of the varsity.
Glorious, victorious,
One jug of beer between the four of us,
Thank God there are no more of us,
'Cause one of us could drink the bloody lot.
(Without his pants on)
'Cause one of us could drink the bloody lot.
(Roll over Katie.
Your navel's on tie other side.)
Violate Yo
Violate me in the violet time
Ravage me, savage mo, bruise me and damage me,
On me no mercy bestow.....
The best things in life are free and oblivious,
Give me a girl who is lewd and lascivious,
Violate me, in the violet time,
In the vilest way that you know.
/ FOGGY FOGGY DEW
Once I was s bachelor, I lived all alone
And the only, only thing that T ever did wrong
I woodd her in the winter time and in the summer too,
One night she came to my bedside
She laid her heed upon my by and ehe began to weep,
She sighed, she cried, she damn near died
So I pulled her into bed and covered up her heed,
Just to keep her from the foggy foggy dew.
Now I am a bachelor, I live with my son,
We work at the weavers' trade;
And every, every time that I look into hie eyes
He reminds me of the winter time and of the summer too
THE ENGINEERS' SONG
An Engineer told me before he died
He said no matter how he tried,
Hie-wife was never satisfied.
\
So he made him a tool of tempered steel,.
Fowered by apulley and a bloody great wheel,
With two brass balls he filled with cream,
And the whole bloody issue was powered bjr steam.
\
Round and round .went the bloody great gtaeet,
In end out went the tool of steel,
'Til at last his poor wife cried,
Enough, enough, l!m satisfied
Now this is the pl,ace cf the bitter bit:
There was no way of stopping it,
From cunt to arse-hole she was split,
And the whole bloody issue was covered in shit. GUOL OH' i VENUS
'Twas on the good ship Venus
The captain's name wse slugger
He vise 3 dirty bugger
He wasn't fit to shovel shit on any
On any bugger’s lugger
The first mate's name was Paul
Put with that .f.tcker he rolled tobacco
The second mst ;1 a name was Andy
His b.,'.'..v ero big end bandy
They ' 1 d hi , arse with molten brass
For 1 iseing - the brendy.
The third mate's name was Morgan
The captain's wife was Mabel
And whenever she was able
She gave the crew their daily screw
Upon the meeeroom table.
The captain's beautiful daughter
Was swimming in the water
And delighted squeals came from the eels
As thQv found her sexual quarter
A cook whose name was Freeman
Another cook was O'Malley
The boson's name was Lester
He was ? hymen .aster
Through hymens thick he shoved hie prick (>1
The Engineer was K^Tavish
A homo was the purser
Another one as Cropper
Oh Christ he had a whopper
Twice 'round the Heck and 'round his neck
And up his bum for a stopper.
The cabin-boy was Kipper
They trikec his arse with broken glass
The ship's dog's name was Rover
The whole c-rew did him over
They ground and ground that faithful hound
From Singapore to Dover
The end cf this nerration
For the ship was sunk in a see of spunk
TUB MONKEY AFP THE ALLIGATOR
The monkey and the alligator sat on the graes
Don't let my baby know.
"Monkey", said the alligator, "Be a kind soul,
Mena is in bed. Fapa on the top,
The child ie in the cradle crying L7
THREE PROMINENT BASTARDS.
Pur parents forge 1r ioo geit married,,
Ouzr parents forgpf 1to get:
Dor each flaminA time file wedding hells rang
So its thanks lie. our kind--haarted" parents,,
A hanker,, admit or and aWashingfon joker,,
THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS.
O n file----th: day of elir.isfmas my true love said fo me...
TvoeLve t witching f.vofs
Eleven lecherous lesMans r
Ten fired trollops . r
Six sexy sisters
Four hoy s(courts_____i_______________________
Three windmill girls
Two Virgin meu.cTsrt » -
And a French. postcard very filth®',..
WHEN YCJ ARE OLD AND OREY - TOM LEHRER.
An awful lj ahlity
I’ 11 lojs.e. my virility ->
And you: your fei Alii tty
And oGSirali; ify o
And this lj alili Ay of fatal, sterility
Will lead fo to 3 T.laty
An d ser.se- o.f facility
So lets act? v Ah agility
W ile we sfj?3i he 'x the
Por we:11 cor recek senility
And lose the * E fy„ 0
* £?>
• THESE FOOLISH THINGS
A trace of lipstick on that old french letter
A book on birth control with well thumbed pages
A pair of underpants with semen stains on
a night of passion in an old tin lizzie
That half smoked reefer that still still sends mo dizzy
My public hair in strings
These foolish things remind mo of you.
That whiskye bottle that I used to piss in
That ripe banana that you used when alone
That worn out frenchie that I used So come in
That rod hot pokc-r that you used before
a brothel ticket in my left hand pocket
Thai, leather sofa that we had those shags on Caviar
(The Virgin Sturgeon)
Caviar comes from the virgin sturgeon,
The virgin: sturgeon's a very fine fish,,
The virgin, sturgeon needs no urgin,
Thats why cavier is my dish..
My ruddy it is..
I gave caviar to my girlfriend,
She was a virgin tried and true,
Ever since she had that caviar
My ruddy oath there ain' t..
I gave cavier to my grandpa,
Grandpa's age is ninetythree,
And next time I saw grandpa
My ruddy oath he did.
My father awas the keeper of the Eddystone
lighthouse,
Slept with mermaids every night,.
He had offspring, one, two, three,
Two were fishes and the other was me,
My ruddy oath he had.
Case of the Ill-Starred Lovers
They were married but. not to-each other;
(Now I might as well make this explicit:)
norse,
And were they forced to a passion «lllcit*
With no hope for a happy finale„
With a future that led to a bleak end,
They agreed to enact a sad suicide pact
In a riotous fling on the weekend,
In a tourist motel by a rocks side,
Without any regrets they turned on the jets-,,
They awaited the carbon monoxide,
(they preferred it' to shootin' or stabthn' ,
saved in time' s nick
By the spouses who shared the next cabin. VO
RHODIANS SCHOOL
We are from Rhodians,Rhodians' girls are we,
'*Te take no pride in our virginity,
We take no precautions,we like our abortions,
For we are from Rhodians school-up school-up school
La la-la la-la la-la-la-la. HOI !1
Our school mispress you cannot beat
We sell our titties for threepenny bit tie's
Our school docter she is a beaut
She teaches us to swerve when our boyfriends shoot:
It saves many marraiges and forced miscarraiges
Our sports mistress she is the best
Our school porter he is a fool
He's only got a teeny-weeny tool ?
It's all. .right, for keyholes and. little girls' peeholes
We have a new girl her name is Flo
Nobody thought that Flo would have a go
But she suprised the Vicar by rousing him quicker
Than'any other girl at Rhodians school-up etc.
These girls from Cheltenham they are just sissies
4
•TS
And woke with s handful of’spunk.
The heat of the sun burnt e hole in his bum
And melted his balls into butter.
For the dogs to lick up and gnaw.
Cr is it my lack of perspective?"
Who used to have wet dreams,
Who used to bake pies and put snot in 'em
She also interned the turds of the birds,
if you’ve never been shagged on a ..Saturday nir-ht
You’ve never ocen shagged at all.
You could’nt hear the music for tho swish 1 nj o’ the prick:-;.
he fucked a lassie forty times, arn would’na take her home.
'with poison ivy up her arse., and thistle up her cunt.
through tee hole.
a jumping off the mantiapioce, -nd bouncing off her tits.
Pulling his foreskin over his heed and standing; on hi a prick.
Doing abortions by trie score with a lump of red-hot wire.
and every time he swung around he circumcised the band.
"Tut your money on the table boys I’m fit to do you all.
stones.
And in between the dances, he was sterilizing pricks.
Amusing himself by abasing hi «as o If, and catching it in his
hat.
cots
he coaldna get a woman, so ho ahaggo3 a letter box.
he showed a lass his mighty prick and shoved it up her arse.
It was, he though, much nicer than a fucking on the floor.
dry.
For every time he passed his wind the room was filled with soot
sticks
pricks.
tricks
pricks•
He had the inclination but he couldna make it spit.
He bit the balls off all thcr boys'"to make their voices
higher.
lie couldna root the women so he had .to masturbate.
.hen he couldna raise a fat he used a bleak cigar.
stairs
in the halls
the calls.
They all enfoyed the music, but the fucking was the best.
Who’s that knocking at my door
Who’s that knocking at my door
Cried the fair young maiden«,
Cried Barnacle bill the sailor«.»*.
Cried. Barnacle bill the sailor«
Was forever hot.
Then in walked Wun-Hung-Low.
Like ice upon the desert sand."
And she said "Go fuck your hat!"
He could fiing ’em right over his head,
Oh bugger the mat you can’t fuck that
Cried Barnacle Bill •••••etc*
Cried Barnacle Bill •••••etc.
fair young maiden
Crie d Barnacle Bill •••••etc.
Who washed her with semen-,..
Swings hack for more and more,..
IS make her cut; ’ em shorter....
No wonder I helped Hitler win.
But of all the worlds diseases
Theres none that can compare
With the drip, dr ip, drip,
Of the British Gonorrhea,
lies thick,
my prick„
whore,
street,
heat,
come more,,
« whore
When all of a sudden she felt like a shit,
arse,
m pass.
beat,
When he heard great thunder, he looked up in
the sky,
eye.
life x
wife,
Pitt,
By Shit."
CHORUS:-
And whenever you see her she's always on. heat,
She'll do it for a dollar, come less or come
Pity help the poor bastard who happened to pass.
Up and down, up and down, up in the street,
And a bloody great turd hit him fair in the eye.
With seven screaming kids and a syphillitic wife,
You'll see him an the corner of Market and Pitt,
All in pink, all in pink,
All in peuce, all in peuce,
All in red, all in red,
All in black, all in black,
To the cunt-struck: Japanese
We have left a trail of bastards
And no iinlr men' af'e* tfcese
But if we meet a dying harlot
Or a syphilitic twat...
v,e fuck 'em all... We fuck 'em all
vre'ye got the harlots on the run
rre fuck 'em all... We fuck 'em all
There's not one that cant be done.
Seek advice what can be dcjne
They watch TV and while they sit
They find a way of having it
On the job without delay
Baby born with great delight
Father proud arid full of glee.
"Hooley Dooley, he no fooley
vrifey, Wifey, very canny
bonder '"he»e -fche ye 1 low -want
He can tell you athing or two.
Of dead-eyed Dick, of Mexican Pete,
Go forth in search of fun
Its Dead-eyed Dick that slings the prick
And Mexican Pete the gun.
Are sore, Depressed and sad,
Lived down by Head Mans Creek
Set forth for the Rio Grand
Dead-eye Dick with his mighty prick
And Pete with gun in hand.
On top of a blazing noon
And as they pushed the great doors wide
Both prick and gun flashed free
Avoid the sex you bleeding wrecks
You'll drink or you'll Fu— with me!
From the TTain to Panama
Those dagos sought the tar
The girls knew too his playful ways
Down at the Rio Grande
At Dead-eye Dickt.s command,
Itch on the trigger grip
Those whores tegan to strip.
name? It v/as Eskimo Nell!
And he wheel -d about with an angry shout, and
She blew the smoke from the cigarette, right over
that thing a tool?
sne red to those cowering whores
Here's one little cunt that can do the stunt,
here’s Eskimo Nell's for yours,
of conscious pride
had left his glass
between the cheeks of her arse.
her legs apart
gave him the cue to start
But Dead-eye Dick knew a thing or two, he meant
He did not s$oop, but took a swoop, and a steady
ulating cool
you know what pistons are
ins and outs of the trick
Of the work that's done on a non stop run, by a
rock of ages between
And she gripped his cock like a Chatswood lock,
But dead-eye Dick could not come quick, he meant
to conserve his powers
of her cunt grew keener
the ease of a vacuum cleaner
And so my friends we come to the end of copulation's
twice times three
?ut to his surprise she c ..of ed her eyes and
so pealed :.n ecstacy
She jumped to her feet ri til £ S 1c so sweet
"Dully" she pi, ! ■ for you"
forth for fun
And the tip of his prick turns blue
And the hole in the middle refuses to piddle
I'd say he was fucked, wouldn't you?
An exceedingly gay caballero
And of course he had a Boto Marie
Bo-r Boto, Mario..
An exceedingly low down casino
And of course he took his Boto Marie
Bo- Boto Mario
An exceedingly gay senorino
And of course he used his Boto Marie
Bo- Boto Mario
An exceedingly nasty diseaso
Bight on the tip of his Boto Marie
Bo- Boto Mario
An exceedingly learned doctoro
Who cut off the tip of his Boto Marie
Bo- Boto Mario
The exceedingly fast flowing Bio
And nurses the tip of his Boto Marie
Bo- Boto Mario
And gives us diseases,
Hon. John Everhart! brought over a team of Old Br.str.rdianc
to meet a team of society
The proceedings were
but the chief Umpire ordereddrawers
After tossing was done' with it. \:n
going in first so the ladies assumed
ground.--The 1 .dies captain , however,
node it difficult to force matters, hr. Harden,
last
to bo augmented by
off.
v riouc lotteries,
their
positione on the
in slips and this
succeded at
fine stand. Unfortunately when trying to pull to square leg
hr. Cox mi.scd hie stroke completely and out came his middle
stump.
displaying groat patience. Then fliere was a sharp appeal
Conduct ana the umpire s finger went up. Some
was apparent in the field, when hiss C
sitter in front of the prvillion and hiss
her hand on a hard one but failed
slackness
dropped a
tacock
ability behind tiip sticks but in trying to take a short
oneishe turned a complete somersault.
notices that A. Testicle had been dropped and not suspended
as Was rumoured. Lord boughskin was in his usual place at
covbrpoint, and the first two ladies, Phyl Chambers and
Poppet Tuppor opened, with groat vigour. Cox v as tried
(ana, he kept a beautiful length), but his balls were inclined
,to bump too much to the discomfort of the' lra.dics.
iy Little Miss Virgo Intacta was cheered loudly when she
cp
;hat-appeared to break in her crease and thcr
time.
for one end hooked it to the delight of the crowd,
'herowas some faulty judgement when Miss Philpott shouted
coming, " and there were cries of "Noy and ’’Wait", but
er excitment she started to run, and was run out.
.ready faced the onslaught, but was over anxious and got
rr~~ j_n frorrk of a straight one and had no time to open
afterwards.
like a return match with the ladies on top next-
match was
Heigh Ho said Roily
With a roily"pollv up ’em and stuff 'em
Heigh
D is the drunkard that gave it akiss
F is for fucker with no balls at all
H is the harlot that snread it about
J is tae jerk of adog on a bitch
L is the lesbian who came back for more
N 'is for noble who died whith a horn
? is for penis all pranged up and peeled
R is the roger who rogered the cat
T is the turds that are floating within
V is the virgin who played with his tool
X,Y and Z you can stuff up your arse.
So it dragged ninety yards on the floor
It was bigger by far than the old man himself
And it weighed not a pennyweight more
With ahorh on the morn of the day he was born
And ahorn on the day that he died
But his cock flonped never to rise again
When grandma died.
I was just a green kid of fifteen.
She was far more composed and serene.
Uncertain of how to proceed
But she seemed not to pay much attention
As I prepared to do the deed.
And the fragrance of new mown hay.
And the touch of her body was warm,.
Uncertain to stay or to run
And a feeling of pride then possessed me
As I knew the job was well done.
But I've never forgotten, I vow,
For forty years I've been buggared
With horrible aches and pains
I've had every ailment I reckon.
Too-ra-li-oo-ra-li-aa
Singing too-ra-li-oo-ra-li-addity
Too-ra-li-oo-ra-li-aa.
I've lain months in hospital beds
And the stuff I've taken to shift me
Has torn my poor stomach to shreds.
There':- hardly a day’I'feel fit
And it takes a full pound of gunpowder
Before I can bloody well shit.
The idea is simply absurd
For my cock's like an-undersized maggot
And as soft as a night commode turd.
' '»he. • mi. j
; -I ; t i\,i ’V - -j- >tc ,
>' .iirrr<"> '
j. O v ' 0 a. j *•
£ - v'CXGd. rie./;: th
i in~ '3
wa,
'n - * It * r r* • , on ■ j i ■
- - . '
Tue ?. V To • ml ■ Is age e
: If u i j_ 2 C
IT •;
i , . . k o« '1O a U . ' . v U ’ * . .V' i 'Tl/vh
A no' his looks were hard to heat;
'Twas beautiful to see
His work on every corner,
In deep and jealous rage,
Were summoned with a yell,
Stood till they v;ere through
Then Pete to show those city dogs
He didn;t give a damn,
talked right into a grocer's shop
And piddled on a ham.
He piddled on the door.
Decided what they'd do;
To eta the stranger through.
They fcvw all round the town,
To wear ihe stranger down.
With vigour and with vim,
And piddling mighty drj.
On which to lay thé dust,
Were piddled to a standstill.
Of all the ways to piddle,
And now and then a "dribble".
Did neither wink nor grin,
A c he had piddled in.
That Pete had diabetes,
And watch you shine your shoes.
And never a taale of Scotch or rye*
At eighteen years her life is doneD
The dog at fifteen cashes in
Without the air of rum or gin."
Survive for three score years and ten,
And some of them though very few.
And the sun a crimson, globe of flame dips down past
tice the smell.
There was only one bar0 the,iEvening Star" run by a greasy
» the company,
with a gusty cheer they surged near,that wild and lawless
, knew,
pin."
Her very name brought her fame,they called her Samari Sal,
A, planter tall flicked the starboard e-£ tal*. of laughing
- • Mc.P.hail;
Had a heart of gold and a cock.j^m told?as big as an
. ^ vest,
A id ic-c i.: i • co ck li. • £• • V- , ’ • c. •**t •" 1 r V
r- v. .id ’iS .1 h. *. C! r- a '* u t
: * ’< •' h rice it rose 7 d fell tc is ia: a, he ?’ ’ 'IC’V Vi jC
flickered V rk t
And he mis’.cd his ';a- line •* ba ttcrin; r a, • ^ *» rou i: V g
i’ e ,u uth cf t’i ;t v;c..b coon closed like to. h on the
stiri. cf innocent fun
So the nuzzle he passed, up that red-rimmed-rse,jamming it
At the close of the day a Scottish clay was hurried beaneath
A little twinkling of the eye
A little smile a little date
To meet '"hen th e hour is late
A little -nromise not to tell
Alittle room in some hotel
A little fussing in some chair
A little messing ofthe hair.
A little nuestion,th e answer yes
A little shirt waist shed aside
A little breast that tried to hide
A little hand that went stealing inside
A little pleased with funny feeling
A little coaxing,a little teasing
A form revealed that is most pleasing.
A little "blush upon the face
A little shading of the light
A little "bed with sheets so white
A little lovin g in the gloom
A little sigh,a quiet room
A uair of lins so warm and wet
A little whisper,"Please,not yet."
Slipped "beneath the hips instead
A little effort to "begin
A little heir to get it in
Tvo little arms that grip me tight
And then I ac~k "Does it feel alright? 1
She smiles and says,"Oh,it feels good,"
And I reply,"I thought it would."
T’ o happy eyes look into mine
A little movement to and fro
A little"Ah",a little "Oh".
A little whisper,"Please,all you've got"
Two little' hearts that beat as one
Two little lovers having fun
A little effort to repeat
A little spot upon the sheet
A little drink or maybe two
A little sleep and finally then
Breakfast in bed - at half past ten
A little bill,a little tip
A porter whistling,a pleasant trip
Like little children after play
A little weariness next day
A little wish that you and I
,,:ay have some more another day.
^ING THE BET' VERGER
Perhaps the bloody organist sitting on his stool
Will start playing organ and stop playing tool.
'Cause th e stoker's up the mate,
Stop stoking mate and start stoking fire,
With the butler twixt her thighs
Mistress voice in angry mood
Stop fucking cook and. start fucking food*
Verger's voice ooraes up from hell
Stop nulling pud and start' pulling bell..
And the woodpecker said well bless my soul
Take it out,take it out,Reee-move it;
Put it back,put it back,Reee-place it;
¿;nd the woodpecker said well bless my soul
Turn it round,turn it round,Reee-volve it;
And the woodpecker said well bless my soul.
And- the woodpecker said well bless my soul
In and out,in and out,Reee-ciprocate it;
And the woodpecker said well bless my soul
Slow it down,slow it down,Reee-tard it.’
And the woodpecker said well bless my soul
Pull it out,pâli it out,Reee-tract it*.
And the woodpecker said well bless my soul
Take a whiff,take a whiff,Reee-voltingJ
Ramona,I’M longing for your greasy cunt
I’ll always remember how I slipped my arse through the ddot
Ramona,if you should hear a baby call
Ramona,we’ll drown it in the waterfall
I dread the morn when I awake and find no horn
Ramona,you dirty old wnore.
itimler has something, similar,
The harlots the fairest of fair
The best of all was -ownd-d by s Sheik
Named Abdul A-Pulbul Emir
T'wae run privately for the Tsar
Who wagered a hundred no-one could outroot
CIvan Skavinsky Sksvar
His eye bore a look of desire
and he did brag how he would outshag
Oount Ivan Skavinsky Sksvar
A holiday proclaimed by the Tsar
To Ivan Skavinsky Scavar
The starter's gun shattered the air
Of Abdul A-Bulbul Emir
And that suited Abdul by far
On Tv an
Old Abdul he re ,’ad like a car
Of Ivan Skavinsky Scavar
Twas Abdul A-Pulbul Emir
'Twse laughed at .f'or yesrs by the Tsar
For Abdul the fool had left half hie tool
Up Ivan Skavinsky Scavar
Drinking O’Reilly’s rum end water
Suddenly u thought come to my hood
What say I up O’Reilly's daughter.
Rub it up, stuff it up. balls and all
Zing-a-zing-a-zing tres bon.
Into bed with O’Reilly’s daughter
Not a word the maiden so id
Filled her up rith so py wo ter
She won’t get away with that
Shoved his head in a bucket of rater
Rammed those pistols up his arse
Where nobody goes
There lives a young maiden
Without any clothes
The hippopotamus?
When its eyes are open, its arsehole is closed
And when its eyes are clo^c-d its arsehole is open.
Someone threw pepper in. its eyes,
The ooligooli bird?
The giraffe?
It is the only animal in the jungle that can go into
a bar and say"The high halls are on me.'"
The sphinx?
Whenever it blinks it flips itself
Someone threw pepper in its eyes,
The rhinoceros?
Rhino meaning money,sorarse meaning piles
It is the richest animal in the jungle
It has piles and piles of money.'
The oohah bird?
The male species lives in the north pole
The female species lives in the south pole
In spring they migrate
And when they meet,oooooohh -aahhhhh !
The elephant?
As I was saying it eats all the week and only shits..
And when it shits it shits...
The orangatang?
It has balls of steel,and as it swings from vine
to vine through the jungle,
The mountain goat?
It has science baffled,
The municipal dunny man fell in and could not swim
And as he was a-sinking,a-sinking like a stone
He heard the maggotd crying ouf'There's no place
The paper's O.K.on both sides t're news is.
r.y cobbers join in,we polish the chain;
I've placed pots for theclots who take shots in every
Roll me over in the clover,lay me down and do it
Y/ell. this is number nineand 'the twins are doin' fine
Y/ell this is number ten and here we go again,
Is seaweed, sand, and foam,
In the viols:.!: way 'hat you know,
I worked at the weavers' trade;
Was to woo a fair young tosic
And the only thing that I ever did wrong
Was to keep her from the foggy foggy dew
When I ley fast asleep,
Ah, me! What could I dot
He reminds me of the fair young maid.
And the many, many times that I held her in my arms,
Just to keep her from the fog^y foggy dew.
I don't know whether the bastard lied',
My God yot should have seen us
The figure-hesc was a nud in bed
Sucking ared-hot penis.
He only had one ball
Round the .abiu wall.
He was a silly gorgon
Three times s day he strummed away
Upon his sexual organ.
He was a dirty demon
He fed tvn crew on menetra&letew
And hymens fried in semen
He didn't drily dally
He shot his ’. -It with fcuch a jolt
He white- .a:’ .d half the galley
And left it char-, tr fester
And young girls he did revieh
His missing tool's at Istanbul
He was a trifle lavish
He couldn't have been worser
With all the crew he had e screw
Until they yelled nQh no Sir1'
A 'dirty little nipper
And circjc.cj.sfcd the skipper
Came m jubilation
Caused by masturbation.
The monkey shoved a finger up the alligator's arse
Singing Abadabsdoo, Abadabadoo,
Kindly take your finder out of my arse-hole"
"Fut it in Top",
Our parents wure somewhere: ina "Bred-..
Were jacks in file land of tile- free,,
Three: prom.ina.nc;' ha stands are weu
Nine naughty nuns
E i ghfuusel ess e uirfc Ii£E*>
Eire Choir Boys
lessened utility
loss, of t* Tal^ty-
- s aslhumr. ooscitilify
In all pmo Dorpl. 1 jty °
a dose of syphilis that wont got bettor
And when Ipiss it stings
These foolish things remind mo of you.
That fcontracoptivo that we've used for ages
Abed with creaky springs
These foolish things remind me of you.
Those dreadful evenings when you had the rags on
And when my wet dream clings
Those foolish things remind me of you.
That pair rf stockings with the 'lastic missing
Oh hov/ the slit clings
These foolish things remind me of you.
Those open legs that welcomed me homo
Oh hear those nuts ring
These foolish things remind me of you.
That broken shithouse that you lost your bum in
Oh how my prick stinks
Those foolish things remind me of you.
That ten bob price of the local whore
Seewhat nine months will bring
These foolish things remind me of you.
Two controids in a heart shaped lockc-t
Those little songs you sing
These foolish things remind me of you.
The night I slugged you had the rags on
Oh how the blood stain clings
Those foolish things remind me of you.
There ain't nothing she won't do,
He had grandma on his knee,
They could never cut loose from their marital
In a riotous fling on the weekend.
And awaited the carbon monoxide.
And they were going, but quick, but were
Ruck the school!
She lets us go walking in the street,
Right outside of Rhodians school-up etc.
For we are from Rhodians school-up etc.
She teaches us to develop our chest
So we '"ear tight sweaters and carry french letters
For we a,re from Rhodians school-up etc.
But not much good for Rhodians school-up etc.
They get worked up on one or two kisses
It takes wax candles and lang broom handles
To even exite the girls from Rhodians school-up etc.