STAG STORIES
FOR MEN ONLY
Some guys are just lucky. One who
was especially so was the fellow who got
cast ashore on a desert island with six
beautiful girls, all of whom were deter-
mined to make the best of their sad
plight.
After some dickering, it was decided
that each girl would have one day of the
week with this swain, who would be
given Sundays to recuperate from the
wearing grind. This arrangement worked
fairly well for a while, but even with his
day off the pace began to tell on the
male castaway.
Then one day he was walking down
by the beach when he spatted a raft off-
shore with a fellow on it. Overjoyed at
finding this unexpected help, the islander
jumped up and down excitedly waving
his arms and yelled "Hello, there!"
The figure on the raft got daintily to
its feet, started waving a lacey handker-
chief, and cooed "Well hello-oo there!"
The other sat down wearily on the
beach and said, "Well, there goes my
Sundays!"
* * *
On a lonely road, far from any town,
the traveller's car suddenly stopped dead.
A quick examination showed him there
was no gasoline left in the tank. Night
had fallen and he made his way towards
a light in a house some distance away.
A knock on the door brought a beautiful
woman in answer.
"Pardon me, madam," said the tourist,
"but my car has broken down. I wonder
if you couldn't put me up for the night
here?"
"Well," said the lady, "I'm all alone
but I guess I'll take a chance." And she
escorted him to a neat little room on the
next floor.
As he prepared himself for bed the mo-
torist couldn't help thinking of his host-
ess, her beautiful form neatly outlined in
the flimsy wrapper she wore. Finally,
with a sigh, he crawled into bed. But he
could not sleep. He found himself still
thinking of the fair and lonely lady.
Gradually the sheet assumed the form of
a tent above him. There was a sudden,
soft tap at his door.
"Come in," he shouted, glee in his voice.
A smiling face showed itself in the door-
way, a golden, smiling warm, inviting
countenance.
"Would you like company?" the young
lady said, sweetly, softly.
"Would I?" the guest shouted. "You
just bet your life I would."
"That's fine," the lady replied. "You
see, another gentleman whose car broke
down is at the door and wants me to put
him up!"
The climax was nearing. I knew what
was coming, but I did not have the power
to stop him. I was putty in his hands.
Should I accede to his desires? ... I lis-
tened to his passionate appeal and I felt
weak — I was but a woman, alone and
with no one to keep me company . . . What
should I say? ... I tried to get a grip on
myself . . . How could I say no to him? —
the poor sweet boy. Suppose I did do as
he wished. Who would know? Harry was
away. Nevertheless, I felt weak . . .
"All right, boy," I almost whispered,
"I'll subscribe for one year."
One of the Harrimans tell about a
young Negro who was out of a job and
whom he sent to a restaurant he knew
that was being kept by a woman of his
acquaintance. But the next day the Ne-
gro was back shaking his head. "Didn't
you get the job?" he was asked.
"Well, boss, I comes to that woman
and gives her my name and occupation
and everything seems all right. She asks
me to set a table for her, and that was
all right, too. But then she asks me to
show her my testimonials — and I guess
that's where I made my big mistake.
* * *
Dr. Egghorn was lecturing generally on
the experimental phase of science. "In
pursuing your experiments, ladies and
gentlemen," he said, "two things are nec-
essary— courage and observation. Now
here is a glass of fluid. It is urine. I shall
test you out. I will put a finger into the
fluid, then to my lips. Now I want every
one of you to follow my example."
The class shuddered, but one by one
they stepped up to the desk, stuck a fin-
ger into the fluid and applied the nasty
stuff to their lips.
When they were all Anally seated again
Dr. Egghorn smiled. "I give you all a
hundred per cent in courage and zero in
observation. If you had looked carefully,
you would have seen that I put one fin-
ger into the glass and another to my lips."
"Mary had a little skirt,
'Twas split just right in front,
And everywhere that Mary went,
She showed her little calf."
A Marriage-Broker was trying to ar-
range a match between a business man
and a beautiful young girl, but the busi-
ness man was obdurate. "Before I buy
goods from a mill I look at swatches, and
before I get married I must also have a
sample," he said.
"But, my God, you can't ask a virtuous,
respectable girl for a thing like that,"
said the schadchen.
"I'm a man from business," said the
other, "and that's the way it will be
done, or not at all."
The broker went off in despair to talk
with the girl. "I got for you a fine feller
with lots of money," he said. "He's a
business man and his rating is O.K. But
he's eppis a little meshuga. He says he's
a good business man, and wouldn't go
into anything blind. He must have a
sample."
"Listen," said the girl, "I'm so smart
a business man as he is. Sample I wouldn't
give him. References I'll give him!"
* * *
A young man wandered into a lonely
farmhouse to ask shelter for the night
and was informed by the old couple that
if he wanted a bed he would have to
sleep with the baby. Anticipating wet
sheets and similar inconveniences, he
begged them for permission to spend the
night in the hayloft. Morning came, and
he was just opening his eyes when the
barn door opened and a beautiful young
woman showed herself. He had never in
his life seen anything so lovely. "Who
are you?" he asked her.
"I'm the babv," she replied. "Who are
you?"
"Oh. I," he stammered, "I'm the jack-
ass who spent the night in the barn."
I love the girl who does;
I like the girl who don't,
I hate the girl who says she will
And then decides she won't.
But the girl I like the best of all,
And I know you'll say I'm right,
Is the girl who says she shouldn't,
"But just for you I might."
* * *
Becky came to her father with her head
downcast. "Papa," she said, "you know
that rich Mr. Levanthal? Well, he be-
trayed me and I'm going to have a baby
soon."
"My God," said the father, "where is
he, I'll kill him! Give me his address. I'll
moider him." Dashing to the rich man's
home, he cornered him, and in a loud
voice, he told him what he intended to
do. But the rich Mr. Levanthal was quite
calm.
"Don't get excited," he said, "I ain't
running away, and I intend to do the
right thing by your daughter. If she has
a child and it's a boy, she gets fifty thou-
sand dollars. If it's a girl, I'll settle
thirty-five thousand on her. Is that fair?"
The father halted, while the look of
anger on his face changed. "And if it's a
miscarriage," he pleaded, will you give
her another chance?"
* * *
An exceptionally pretty girl, whose
friends were continually telling her that
she had dramatic ability, decided she
would like a stage career. After many
visits to several of the producing man-
agers' offices, she managed to arrange an
interview w7ith one.
"My dear," said the manager, "it will
be necessary for you to answer a number
of questions, some of which will be quite
personal."
"That," replied the young lady, "will
be perfectly satisfactory to me."
So, after quizzing her for several min-
utes, and receiving, quick, intelligent an-
swers to every question, the manager
asked:
"Are you a virgin?"
Being rather uncertain as to whether
the answer to his question would secure
or lose the big opportunity she so ear-
nestly desired, she haltingly stammered:
"Well-er-you see-why-Yes I am, but I'm
not a fanatic about it."
* * *
Los Angeles was crowded to its boun-
daries. Olympic spectators had filled ev-
ery hotel and rooming-house in the city.
Not a room was available, but the young
college student had to find a place to
sleep that night. He had worked hard,
trying to sell to the huge crowd, and he
was thoroughly exhausted.
"Anything will do," he said to the hotel
clerk.
"I can let you have a cot in the ball-
room," replied the clerk, "but there is a
lady in the opposite corner, and if you
don't make any noise she'll be none the
wiser."
"Fine," said the tired man, and into the
ballroom he went. Five minutes later he
came running out to the clerk.
"Say," he cried, "that woman in there
is dead!"
"I know it," was the answer. "But how
did you find out?"
It seems that a little tree only a few
feet high growing at the edge of the for-
est was the butt of curiosity and discus-
sion of everyone strolling by. "My, what
kind of a tree is this?" people would say.
"I don't know" was the usual reply, "but
it sure is a funny little tree." The poor
little thing was really developing an in-
feriority complex and one day after hear-
ing many such remarks, the little tree
turned to the big oak standing a few
yards away and said, "Mr. Oak, you are
a wise old man, can you tell me whether
T am a son of a beech or a son of a
birch?" The old oak looked down at the
little tree with great sorrow and said, "I
am sorry that I can't tell you whether
you are a son of a beech or a son of a
birch, but there is one thing I can tell
you — your mother was the finest piece
of ash in this neck of the woods."
She was madly in love with him. He
was madly in love with her. She was
single, but wanted to marry. He was sin-
gle, but wanted dreadfully to marry her.
He stood on the right hand side of the
room. She stood on the left hand side of
the room. He removed his coat and vest
and tossed them in a heap on the nearby
chair.
She took off her tightly fitted red dress,
and hung it neatly in the closet. He re-
moved his shirt and necktie and threw
them on to the same chair. He removed
his pants and hung them on a hook in
the back of the door. She sat on the left
hand side of the bed and removed her
shoes and stockings. He sat on the right
hand side of the bed and took off his
shoes and stockings.
He stood up and took off his shorts and
undershirt. She stood up and removed
very daintily her panties and brassiere.
There he stood, a large muscular piece of
manly flesh. There she stood, the last
word in feminine loveliness. He put on
some green striped pajamas. She put on
a tight-fitting silk nightie. He climbed
into bed on the right side. She climbed
into bed on the left side.
He reached up and pressed the button
that put out the top light. She reached
up and pulled the cord that put out the
reading lamp at the head of the bed. He
faced toward the left. She faced toward
the right.
He was in the M.I.T. dorms. She was
in the Waldorf in New York. So they both
turned over and went to sleep.
* * *
Home after a long absence with the
forces overseas, Patrick O'Brien became
suspicious of the conduct of his wife
during his absence. She denied his insin-
uations as long as possible, and finally
admitted that she had done a little step-
ping out.
"Who was it?" demanded the irate ser-
geant. But Mrs. O'Brien's only response
was a ren'ewed flood of tears. "Was it
O'Toole?" thundered O'Brien.
She shook her head.
"Was it O'Keefe?"
"No, no!"
"Was it O'Hara, Finnegan, O'Connor?"
her husband raged on.
But she still shook her head and sobbed.
"So!" he burst o-ut, with renewed en-
ergy, "so none of my friends is good
enough for you!"
A certain editor published a tirade
against lewdness with which he» said the
New York theater was infested. Among
other accusations was one that leading
men make violent, physical love to minor
actresses in their dressings rooms and
that leading actresses seduce the young-
er actors.
Soon after the article was published
the editor was openly accused at the
Friars Club of having peeped through
the keyholes of dressing rooms to get
his material.
"How could I?" was his defense. "The
keyholes were stuffed."
* * *
The gallant old gentleman took pity on
the pretty girl swaying on the strap in
the crowded street car. He offered her a
seat on his lap, assuring her that it was
all right as he was an old man. She hesi-
tated a moment and then ensqonced her-
self on his lap. The car bounced along
only a few blocks, when the old gentle-
man spoke up. "Miss," he said, "I think
one of us will have to get up. I am not
as old as I thought I was."
* * *
He grabbed me by my slender neck. I
couldn't yell or scream: he took me to
his dingy room, where he could not be
seen. He stripped me of my flimsy wrap,
and gazed upon my form, for I was wet
and cold and damp, and he was nice and
warm. His feverish lips he pressed to
mine, I gave him every drop. He drained
me of my very self, and I couldn't make
him stop! He made me what I am today
— that's why you find me here ... a brok-
en bottle tossed away ... that was once
full of beer.
The waitress in a one-armed beanery
determined to have some fun with a pa-
tron whose custom it was to study the
menu carefully every day, and then order
ham and eggs. So one day she drew a
line through his favorite dish, and when
he pored over the card she said to him,
"Did you notice, sir, I scratched some-
thing you like?"
Without looking up the customer re-
plied, "Go wash your hands and bring
me some ham and eggs."
* * *
One way of propositioning: "How about
breakfast, baby?"
"All right. Fine. Shall I ring you — or
just nudge you?"
* * *
When business began to sink below the
zero mark, the owner of the Westward
Ho, the sole remaining hotel in a former
prosperous range town, decided to sell
out. He offered his property dirt cheap,
but received no bids.
And then, suddenly, and for no appar-
ent reason at all, his business began to
thrive. The hotel bus brought to his door
five,. ten, and as high as fifteen male
guests upon the arrival of every train.
Finally he decided to investigate. He ap-
proached his colored porter who also
doubled as bus driver.
"Rastus," he said, "just what do you
do at the depot to get all these guests?
They don't climb into your bus of their
own free will and accord, do they?"
"Yas,, dey sho' do. boss," insisted the
colored porter. All Ah says when th' train
stops is 'Free bus to Westward Ho House!'
at th' top of mah voice, and dey all
piles in!"
Here lie the bones of Susie Sly
She sinned no sins
She drank no rye
She was so good
She proved you could
Take it with you when you die.
* * *
Once upon a time there was a beauti-
ful girl who was walking through the
woods when she met a little frog. To her
surprise, he spoke to her:
"Lady, once I was a handsome prince,
but an ugly old black witch turned me
into a frog."
"Oh, what a shame!" cried the girl.
"Can I do anything to help you?"
"Indeed you can," the frog replied. "If
you take me home and put me under
your pillow tonight, I will be saved."
So the beautiful girl took the poor lit-
tle frog home with her. Next morning
when she awoke, there in bed with her
was a handsome young prince.
And do you know something? To this
day, her mother still doesn't believe that
I recall the first time I tried it
I was only a lad of sixteen
And then she was far younger than I
But more composed and serene.
I was eager yet terribly awkward
Uncertain of how to proceed
But she seemed not to notice the
hesitancy
With which I prepared for the deed.
It was out in the barn, I remember
At the close of a lush summer day
And the evening was scented with clover
And the fragrance of new-mown hay.
I remember she made no objection
Showed no evidence of alarm
For I loved her and knew that she
loved me
Since first she came to the farm.
I recall that I spoke to her softly
As I cuddled her face in my hands ,
And I saw in the depths of her wide eyes
the look
Of a loved one who understands.
I remember she moved a bit closer
And the touch of her body was warm
As my fingers slid over her throat
As she nestled her head on my arm.
Looking back on it now I remember
How I stood while my heart seemed to
spin
With the thrill of the thing I was going
to do
Yet reluctant somehow to begin.
Her eyes serene, I thought to rebuke me
For waiting — for being afraid
And even old Lillie, the plow-horse
Looked over her shoulder and neighed.
Long later I stood up uncertain
And gazed long at the setting sun
Tingling with pride, yet shaken and awed
To know that at last it was done.
I remember (it seemed hours later)
How my heart hammered under my
blouse
With the joy of a boy that's turned into
man
As I made my way back to the house.
Twenty years have gone by since that
evening
But I've never forgotten. I vow
The thrill and the joy I felt as a boy
On the day I milked my first cow.
At a seaman's fund benefit, being held
on board one of the big ocean liners, a
professional magician, on his way to
make a European tour, was asked to con-
tribute his services, to which he readily
consented.
When the time came for his perform-
ance, he took the center of the room.
Walking over to a table, he put his hand
over a salt cellar and presto! It disap-
peared.
Standing close to the table was a cage
with a beautiful parrot who was taking
in every move of the magician.
The magician took a handkerchief and
covered one of the water tumblers and
when he raised the handkerchief — presto
— it had disappeared.
This fascinated the parrot who could
not take his eyes off the magician.
The magician then put a napkin over
a decanter filled with water and — presto
— decanter and water was gone.
This was getting to be entirely too baf-
fling to the parrot.
The magician took a table cloth and
covered the entire table, with the inten-
tion of making it vanish, when a terrific
explosion occurred, causing the boat to
sink.
When the smoke cleared away, a
steamer chair was seen floating on top
of the waves. On this chair was the par-
rot. While he was perched there, out of
the water, right by his side, came the
magician.
The parrot looked at him. The magi-
cian went down crying for help. He came
up again, still crying for help, then sank.
He came up for the third and last time
and then disappeared.
The parrot sat on the steamer chair
with his eyes riveted to the spot where
he last saw the magician, when finally
after much thought and awe, he raised
his head, and said:
"MARVELOUS!"
* * *
A woman who kept a Chinese servant
was considerably annoyed by his failure
to knock on the door before entering a
room. Several times he had urbanely
come into her boudoir while she was to-
tally undressed. So she spoke to him
about it. "Don't come into my bedroom
hereafter," she said, "without knocking.
I may not be dressed and I don't want
to be embarrassed."
Charley smiled a bland acquiescence.
Never again did it happen. But Charley
never knocked on the door. Wondering
how he could do it, the madame asked
him. "Velly simple," said Charley. "Be-
flore me come in, me look thlough key-
hole. If no dlessed, me no come in."
* * *
An Englishman who got mixed up in a
poker game with some friends from
America won a big pot. The man next to
him congratulated him. "Lucky dog,"
said he.
"My word!" said the limey. "Are you
insulting me?"
"Why no," exclaimed his friend. "That's
a term of admiration with us, and quite
the proper thing to say on an occasion
like this."
Some days later the Englishman was
playing bridge with his host and hostess
and another guest at a house-party. His
hostess made a grand slam and raked in
the stakes. Admiringly the Englishman
leaned over toward her and said, "Lucky
bitch."
The story is told of a clerk who mar-
ried and spent a pleasant honeymoon
with his bride. But one day he came to
the office with a rather glum expression
on his face. When his fellow clerks asked
him what was the trouble he said: "Gee,
I pulled a terrible boner this morning.
Getting out of bed, I, like an absent-
minded jackass, laid down a five-dollar
bill on the table." The other man con-
soled him. His wife wouldn't think any-
thing of it, they assured him.
"That isn't what bothers me," he an-
swered. "She gave me three dollars
change!"
A dapper fellow walked into a bakery
and ordered a special cake. "I want it
fifty-five inches in diameter — nine lay-
ers— seven colored frostings," he speci-
fied. "In the menter, I want my initials,
R.N. I want it as soon as possible." "I'll
have it for you in a week," was the an-
swer. On the appointed day, he called,
inspected the cake: "It isn't exactly the
way I want it — change the yellow frost-
ing to orchid — and the initials are in
the wrong script — I want them in Old
English." "It'll take me another day to
make the change." On the second inspec-
tion, the fellow was delighted: "Perfect—
perfect." "Where shall I send it, sir?"
"No place — I'll eat it here!"
A big four-masted schooner ran into a
squall. After being tossed about unmerci-
fully she lost her sails and the rudder
was broken. Then came the calm and the
ship floated along helplessly for a week.
She had no radio aboard and there was
absolutely no way of getting assistance.
The food and water supply was exhaust-
ed. The old seafaring captain called the
crew and passengers on deck and said:
"We are in a terrible predicament and
will have to face the situation unflinch-
ingly, otherwise everyone on board will
die of hunger. As the Captain of this
ship I know my duty. I'll kill myself first
and you can eat me."
So saying he took a revolver from his
pocket and pressed it against his temple.
All of a sudden, one of the crew cried:
"Stop! Stop! Don't do that!"
The Captain, his finger on the trigger,
ready to shoot, stopped.
"What is it?" he asked.
"Please, Captain, I beg of you, don't
blow your brains out. That's my favorite
dish."
The best description we have yet heard
of the movie starlet whose reputation is
continually being 'made over night' is that
'she gets passed around like a naughty
story.'
At a Greenwich Village Ball a young
woman presented herself entirely without
clothes. The doorman stopped her, with
these words: "Miss, this is supposed to be
a costume ball. Now we don't mind how
few clothes you have on, but you are
supposed to represent something." The
young woman retired to the ladies' dress-
ing room, and shortly after reappeared
with nothing on save a pair of black
shoes and black gloves. The doorman
again stopped her. "You're just as bad
as you were before," he said, "what are
you supposed to be?"
"Can't you see?" the girl asked, "I'm
the five of spades."
A young man wanted to buy a birthday
gift for his sweetheart. After much con-
sideration he decided on a pair of gloves.
At the same time his sister bought a
pair of panties for herself. In delivery
the packages became mixed and his sis-
ter got the gloves while his girl got the
panties. His surprised sweetheart received
the following note with her birthday gift:
Dearest One:
This little gift is to show you that I
haven't forgotten your birthday. I chose
these because I have noticed that you are
not in the habit of wearing any when
you go out in the evening. If it had not
been for my sister I would have gotten
long ones with buttons. The lady I
bought them from showed me a pair
which she had been wearing for three
weeks, and they were hardly soiled. I
had the salesgirl try them on and they
were very smart looking. How I wish I
could put them on you for the first time,
but no doubt many other gentlemen's
hands will come in contact with them
before I have an opportunity to see them
again. I do not know the size yet, al-
though I should be capable of judging
better than anyone else. Be sure to keep
them on when cleaning them, otherwise
they may shrink. I hope you will like
them and wear them Saturday night.
P.S.— Note the number of times I kiss
the back of them during the coming year.
The salesgirl says the latest style is to
wear them unbuttoned and hanging down
to give that droopy look.
* * *
A luckless mongrell was sniffing along
a railroad crossing when a Jersey Cen-
tral express rolled by and cut off his
tail. The poor mutt howled with pain,
ran for many blocks, cooling himself in
hallways until the pain stopped. Un-
happy oecause of the loss of his tail, he
ran back to the railroad crossing to see
if he could find it. While he was looking
for it, another fast train came along and
cut off his head.
MORAL: It doesn't pay to lose your
head over a little tail.
* * *
A grave digger, absorbed in his
thoughts, dug the grave so deep he
couldn't get out.
Came nightfall and the evening chill,
his predicament became more and more
uncomfortable. He shouted for help and
at last attracted the attention of a drunk.
"Get me out of here," he shouted. "I'm
cold."
The drunk looked into the grave and
finally distinguished the form of the un-
comfortable grave digger.
"No wonder you're cold," he said. "You
haven't any dirt on you."
* * *
There was a young girl from St. Paul
Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
The dress caught on fire
And burned her entire
Front page, sporting section and all.
There was a young girl from Peru,
Who decided her loves were too few;
So she walked from her door,
With a fig leaf, no more
And now she's in bed with the flu.
There was a young nudist named Trete
Who loved to dance on the street,
But one chill December
He froze all his members
And retired to a monkish retreat.
The town wolf had been playing
around with the Sheriff's daughter, and
she came to him tearfully one day and
said she was going to have a baby. "A
baby!" said he, "What are you going to
do?" "I'm going to kill myself!" she
cried. "That's my girl!" said the happy
fellow.
* * *
The inmate of an asylum appeared
before the board requesting his discharge
from the institution on the grounds that
he was no longer insane.
"What would be the first thing you'd
do if we discharged you?" he was asked.
"I'd make me a slingshot and break
every goldarned window in this place,"
he replied.
Of course, his petition was denied and
he was put back in his cell.
Several years later he again appealed
for a discharge.
"What would be the first thing you'd
do if we let you out?" he was asked.
"I'd make me a slingshot and break
every goldarned window in this place,"
was the answer.
Finally, upon his sixth appeal, the
usual question was put to him and he
answered: "I'd make a date with my
girl, Gertie."
The committee perked up. "Well," they
thought, "this sounds like something a
little different. Perhaps now we'll get
somewhere.'
"What would you do on this date?" he
was asked.
"Well," he replied, "I'd hire a car and
take Gertie for a drive out into the
woods, making sure it was plenty dark."
"And then?"
"Then I'd stop the car and make love
to her."
"And then?"
"And then I'd sneak my hand up her
dress."
"And?"
"Then I'd pull off her girdle, tear out
the elastic, make me a nice, big sling-
shot and come back here and break
every gol-darned window in the place."
May you live as long as you want to
And want to as long as you live
If you want to and I'm asleep, wake me
If I'm awake and don't want to, make me
* * *
A thoroughly saturated drunk was
fumbling with a bulky ring of keys in
the doorway of a house when he was
accosted by a suspicious minion of the
law. "Hey, are you sure this is your
house?"
"Shertainly," replied the drunk indig-
nantly, "jusht wait a shecond and I'll
show you." Finally, almost miraculously,
he happened on a key that fit the lock
and magnificently waved the officer in-
side. "Shee, thish ish my housh, come
on in and I'll show ya."
The inebriate wobbled into the house
and started going from room to room,
turning on lights as he went. "Shee,
thish is my living room, all mine! And
thish here ish my library, and in there
ish my kitchen. Now I wantcha to come
upstairs with me."
The amused cop followed the drunk
up the stairs, where the latter flung
open a bedroom door. "This ish my bed-
room, offisher, and see 'at woman in
'at bed? Well 'at's my wife, all mine!
And shee 'at fellow in bed with her,?
'At man, offisher, ish ME!"
He was an American. She was French.
He was in New York to buy furniture
for his store in San Marino. He met
her on an elevator. She looked good to
him. He looked good to her. He took
out a pad and pencil and drew a picture
of a hansom with a question mark after
it. She nodded yes. They went for a ride
in the park. He drew a picture of a
restaurant. She nodded yes. They ate.
He drew a picture of some dancers. She
nodded yes. They danced. Then she took
a pencil and pad. She drew a picture
of a four-poster bed. Now, what he is
trying to figure out is how she knew
he was in the furniture business.
* * *
An officer of ancient Rome, called
away to the wars, locked his beautiful
wife in armor. Then he gave the key to
his best friend with the admonition: "If
I don't return in six months, use this
key. To you, my dear friend, I entrust
it."
He then galloped off to the wars.
About ten miles from home he saw a
cloud of dust approaching and waited.
His trusted friend, on horseback, gal-
loped up and said: "You gave me the
wrong key."
* * *
At the Waldorf, a new waiter was
hired recently and was assigned Miss
Greene's table. This young lady had a
remarkable bust, and was wearing a
very low-cut gown. One of her breasts
popped out of the gown and the waiter,
always ready to help, went over and,
with his bare hands, placed the errant
part of her anatomy back in place.
The headwaiter saw him and hurriedly
called him over. "Where have you work-
ed before this?" he asked.
"Leon and Eddie's, The Zanzibar," said
the waiter.
"I thought so," sighed the headwaiter.
"Here, we use two warm spoons."
An English girl, in the midst of Aus-
terity, was invited to an American ban-
quet. Delighted, she stared at delicacies
she hadn't seen in years—and when
nobody was looking, she grabbed a hand-
ful of lump sugar. The temptation was
just too much. She hid them in her
bosom.
Returning home, she met the vicar,
and invited him in for tea. "Will you
take one or two lumps of sugar?" she
asked.
"My goodness, lump sugar," said the
vicar. "Now where on earth did you
find lump sugar?"
She reached into her bosom, drew out
two lumps of sugar and dropped them
into his tea. Then, bending over him,
she asked: "And will you also take
cream?"
"Oh!" said the vicar, backing away.
"Certainly not!"
* * *
A young man found himself engaged
to a gorgeous girl, and for a time all
was bliss and roses. Then he had to
leave on a buying trip for his firm.
He said he'd be gone a week.
At the end of three weeks, the girl
got this telegram: STILL BUYING. WILL
BE HERE ANOTHER WEEK.
The girl's suspicions were aroused. She
sent this wire winging back: BETTER
COME HOME. SWEETHEART, BEFORE
I START SELLING WHAT I THINK
YOU'RE BUYING.
A lovely society girl fell in love with
a poor beggar. She was willing to marry
him, but he was stubborn. "How do I
know you really love me?" he asked.
"To prove your love, we'll go begging
together. We'll travel all over the coun-
try begging. If you do that I will know
you love me."
"Me?" the girl said. "Begging? With
my social background?"
But she loved him, and she realized
that he was adamant. They got married
and started off begging house-to-house
all over the country.
When the year was up the beggar
turned to his wife. "Well, darling, at last
it's over," he said. "Now we can go
home and live a normal life—no more
begging."
"Fine," said his wife. "But first, let's
finish this row of houses."
A salesman on a road trip stopped
over for a night in a tiny hotel in
Arkansas and, since the town was quite
a way from his own home, there just
wasn't anything for him to do. Finally
he picked up the Gideon Bible that had
been placed in the room. Pasted on the
inside cover was a sticker that read:
"If you are lonely and discouraged, read
Psalms 23 and 27."
Bob turned to the pages mentioned
and read the Psalms. Underneath the
27th Psalm he saw a scribbled note in
a feminine hand. The note read: "If
you're still lonely, call Muriel, phone
184."
* * *
A man had been complaining to an
acquaintance in his office that he'd been
having no luck lately finding attractive
women to take out. His friend said, "I
know just the thing for you. Drive up
late one afternoon at Westport, and wait
at the station for the train to pull in.
You'll see a lot of wives waiting to
drive their husbands home, and there'll
always be a few husbands who miss the
train. Ask one of the girls for a date.
She'll be so mad at her husband that
she'll accept in a minute."
The man agreed that this sounded
feasible, and the very next day he set
off for Connecticut. He was getting im-
patient, and when he passed through
Stamford, he thought: "Why should I
bother going any farther? There's a sta-
tion here—I might as well stop here
and try my luck."
So he waited for the train, and when
the husbands had gotten into cars there
was one beautiful girl left over. He went
over to her and asked her for a date,
and she accepted at once. They dined
and wined and danced, and went back
to her house for another drink or two.
Just as matters were approaching a
natural conclusion, the front door swung
open and the husband came storming in
in a rage. He began screaming curses
at his wife, but his attention was sud-
denly diverted to the man, who was try-
ing unsuccessfully to sneak out the back
way.
"So it's you, you rat!" the husband
screamed. "I told you Westport!"
* * *
A boy and a girl were riding along
in his car. Suddenly the boy asked in a
meaningful voice: "Are you a Camel or
a Chesterfield girl?"
"What do you mean?" she said, puz-
zled.
"Well," said the bov, "do you satisfy,
or do you walk a mile?"
"It's funny how that look on your face
reminds me of Gerald!"
"Now eat like a rabbit!"
"With my husband it's the same old thing
... weak in and weak out!"
"No. NO, ROVER ... DOWN BOY!"
"Mither Thimpthon is bitlty, Mith, but if
you with, I'll be happy to look up your
thize..."
* "Room for one more!"
Said the man: "Tonight, will you be free?"
The girl looked apprehensive. "Well, not ex-
actly free," said she, "but really not expen-
sive."
"On second thought, Mr. Smithers,
buy YOU the Cadillac!"
Ever Felt the Breath of a Hot Susie
on the Back of Your Neck? No?
Beware, for Your Day May Come
It all started innocently enough.
After a grueling evening at the bridge
table I decided to journey to a local
bistro for the usual (chocolate shake
with a beer chaser).
As I pushed through the doorway mob,
my thoughts were far from sex. In fact,
I was thinking of my shins, which had
been bruised during the bidding.
Straddling a counter stool, I reached
for a dog-eared menu. A sudden canine
yelp startled me. I blushed, realizing
that I had mistakenly grabbed a menu-
eared dog.
After placing my order, I scanned the
room, half-expecting to see my room-
mate who had been missing for three
weeks. My bloodshot stare froze on a
pair of luscious legs. Above them was
the face of a queen. Behind them were
the words — "Pevely's Pimple Paste —
Calendar, 1949.
An anemic waitress inbedded a glass
in front of me, sloshing milkshake on
my sweater. I scribbled profane words
on the counter with my only finger—I
lost the others in a Rush Week hand-
shake.
I had just started to pick up my glass
when I felt someone biting my ear lobe.
Turning my head slowly, painfully, I
was consumed by the hot breath of a
woman on my neck. There, big as life
and reeking of perfume, stood a Ste-
phens Susie.
Her face was plastered with pancake
makeup, but underneath those layers
was the sweet innocence of an angry
Cobra. Her body was Esquireish, her
dress Vogueish, and her personality
Police Gagetteish.
"Hullllooo there, big boy," she drawled.
I was in luck. She was one of the
few Susies who could talk.
"Hello, yourself," I answered cleverly.
"Hello, yourself, yourself," she re-
torted.
I was stumped.
She released her hold on my ear lobe
and lit a fag. I gulped my shake in a
haze of marijuana smoke.
Again she spoke, "Gotta car, big boy?"
Cold beads of sweat dripped off my
face, diluting my shake.
"No," I replied shakily.
She squeezed my biceps in a death
grip.
"Oh, that's all right," she purred.
"I know a spot over by Lela Rainey
Woods that'll do just as good."
I tried to pull away, but she had me
pinned to the counter. Her glassy eyes
peered into mine. A slight droll trickled
from the corner of her quivering lips.
"Just as good for—f—for w-what?" I
moaned.
As if you didn't know! Quit stalling,
you man, you!"
With a twist she jerked me off the
stool and led me outside. Again I pro-
tested.
"Look," she sneered, "what've you got
to lose? My ole man is worth two mil-
lion, my uncle owns half of Texas, and
this necklace I'm wearing is pure Tas-
manian pearl."
She pulled down her blouse to show
me her pearls. I looked. They were nice.
"But what if a watchman sees us?" I
sniveled.
"I've bribed them all," she boasted.
"Come on, faster!"
She was dragging me up Broadway,
ignoring startled bystanders.
"But—but I don't even know your
name," I complained.
"Maide. Ella Zithers Maide. But you
call me 'E.Z.'," she panted.
I grabbed a lamp post, but she pulled
me away. We entered an iron gateway.
"We're almost there," she exclaimed
gleefully, kicking off her shoes.
I called to a nearby watchman who
was busily window-peeping. He ignored
me.
"Right behind this hedge," my captor
whispered lustily. It was useless to
struggle any longer. I decided to sub-
mit.
She threw me to the ground, pinning
down my arms. Then she kneeled beside
me.
"Okay, big boy," she gasped, "here's
the lowdown."
I steeled myself for the inevitable.
"I'm taking a course here in the Art
of Love," she confessed. "All the time
this teacher keeps talking about sex.
I've decided I haven't been getting my
share. The minute I saw you I Knew
you were the one to do it."
I blinked, coughed, and hiccupped.
"To do what?"
"Hell, that's up to you. I don't know.
I've only read the first chapter of the
damn book!"
The whole thing ended there.
I hadn't even seen the book, much less
read the first chapter.
We caught the tread of dancing feet
We loitered down the moonlit street,
And stopped beneath the harlot's house.
Inside, above the din and fray,
We heard the loud musicians play
The "Treues Liebes Herz" of Strauss.
Like strange mechanical grotesques,
Making fantastic arebesques,
The shadows raced across the blind.
We watched the ghostly dancers spin
To sound of horn and violin,
Like black leaves wheeling in the wind.
Like wire-pulled automatons,
Slim silhouetted skeletons
Went sidling through the slow quadrille.
They took each other by the hand,
And danced a stately saraband;
Their laughter echoed thin and shrill.
Sometimes a clockwork puppet pressed
A phantom lover to her breast,
Sometimes they seemed to try to sing.
Sometimes a horrible marionette
Came out, and smoked its cigarette
Upon the steps like a live thing.
Then, turning to my love, I said,
"The dead are dancing with the dead.
The dust is whirling with the dust."
But she—she heard the violin,
And left my side, and entered in:
Love passed into the house of Lust.
Then suddenly the tune went false,
The dancers wearied of the waltz,
The shadows ceased to wheel and whirl.
And down the long and silent street,
The dawn, with silver-sandalled feet,
Crept like a frightened girl.
—Oscar Wilde.
News flashes: "A happy gathering of
members of the Community League met
yesterday in their rooms and with busy
fingers and friendly intercourse, passed
the afternoon very pleasantly." (Glou-
cester, Mass. Times).
A certain young lady was being rep-
rimanded for smoking cigarettes. This
by a friend of the family, a very
straight-laced and dignified female of
the old school.
"Why," she exclaimed, "I just think
it's terrible, the way the young girls
smoke nowadays; I would rather com-
mit adultery than smoke a cigarette!"
To which the stream-lined version of
modern womanhood replied: — "Who
wouldn't!"
* * *
Two pretty office girls were being
squashed in the crowded elevator. One
of them, unable even to turn her head
around, asked her friend to look back
of them and tell her if the man stand-
ing there was handsome.
Her friend, with some difficulty, man-
aged a furtive backward glance then
whispered, "Well, Honey, he's young!"—
"Look, Dearie," the girl said with a
trace or irritation in her voice, "I
asked if he was handsome, I can tell
he's young!"
* * *
I've taken my fun where I've found it;
I've rogued an' I've ranged in my
time;
I've 'ad my pickin' o sweethearts,
An' four o' the lot was prime.
One was an 'arf-caste widow,
One was a woman at Prome,
One was the wife of a jemadar-sais,
An' one is a girl at 'ome.
Now I aren't no 'and with the ladies,
for, takin' 'em all along,
You never can say till you've tried 'em
An' then you are like to be wrong.
There's times when you'll think that
you mightn't.
Theres' times when you'll know that
you might;
But the things you will learn from the
Yellow and Brown,
They'll 'elp you a lot with the White!
I was a young un at 'Oogli,
Shy as a girl to begin;
Aggie de Castrer she made me,
An' Aggie was clever as sin;
Older than me, but my first un—
More like a mother she were—
Showed me the way to promotion an'
pay,
An' I learned about women from 'er!
Then I was ordered to Burma,
Actin' in charge o' Bazar,
An' I bot me a tiddy live 'eathen
Through buyin' supplies off 'er pa.
Funny an' yellow an' faithful—
Doll in a teacup she were,
But we lived on the square, like a
true-married pair,
An' I learned about women from 'er!
Then we was shifted to Neemuch
(Or I might ha' been keepin' 'er now),
An' I took a shiny she-devil,
The wife of a nigger at Mhow;
'Taught me the gipsy-folks bolee;
Kind o' volanco she were,
For she knifed me one night 'cause
I wished she was white,
An' I learned about women from 'er!
* * *
An English lady, one of those self-
appointed morality commissioners, ac-
cused a workman of having become a
drunkard because: "With my own eyes I
saw his wheelbarrow standing outside an
inn." The workman made no direct de-
fense. That same evening, he merely put
his wheelbarrow outside her door, and
left it there all night.
You don't want to marry me, honey,
Though just to hear you ask me is
sweet;
If you did you'd regret it tomorrow7
For I'm only a girl of the street.
Time was when Id gladly have listened,
Before I was tainted with shame,
But it wouldn't be fair to you, honey;
Men laugh when they mention my
name.
Back there on the farm in Nebraska
I might have said "Yes" to you then,
But I thought that the world was a
playground
Just teeming with Santa Claus men.
So I left the old home for the city
To play in its mad, dizzy whirl,
Never knowing how little of pity
It holds for a slip of a girl.
You think I'm still good-looking, honey?
But no, I am faded and spent.
Even Helen of Troy would look seedy
If she followed the pace that I went.
But that day I came in from the country
With my hair down my back in a curl,
Through the length and breadth of the
city
There was never a prettier girl.
I soon got a job in the chorus
With nothing but looks and a form.
I had a new John every evening,
And my kisses were thrilling and
warm.
I might have sold them for a fortune
To some old sugar daddy with dough,
But youth calls to youth for its lover—
There was plenty that I didn't know.
Then I fell for the line of a junker,
A slim devotee of the hop;
And those dreams in the juice of the
poppy
Had got me before I could stop.
But I didn't care while he loved me,
Just to lie in his arms was delight;
But his ardor grew cold and he left me
In a Chinatown hop joint one night.
Well, I didn't care, then, what happened;
A Chink took me under his wing,
And down in a hovel of Satan
I labored for hop—and Ah Sing.
Oh, no, I'm no longer a junker.
The police came and got me one day,
And I took the one cure that is certain,
That island out there in the bay.
Don't spring that old gag of reforming,
A girl hardly ever comes back.
Too many are eager and waiting
To guide her feet off of the track.
A boy can break every commandment
And the world still will lend him a
hand,
Yet a girl who has loved, but unwisely,
Is an outcast all over the land.
You see how it is, don't you, honey?
I'd marry you now if I could.
I'd go with you back to the country,
But I know it won't do any good.
For I'm only a poor, scarlet woman,
And I can't get away from the past.
Goodbye, and God bless you for asking,
But I'll stick it out now till the last.
* * *
A young lady with a slight cold went
to a dinner party, and took with her
two handkerchiefs, one of which she
placed in her bosom. At dinner she be-
gan rummaging to right and left in her
bosom for the fresh handkerchief, and
suddenly, engrossed in her search, real-
ized that conversation had stopped com-
pletely. People were watching her, fas-
cinated. In confusion, she murmured: "I
know I had two when I came."
A woman and her baby were shown
into the Welfare Society's office by the
nurse in charge. The doctor, a handsome
young man, examined the baby and
asked the woman, "Is the baby breast-
fed or bottle-fed?"
"Breast-fed," she replied.
"Strip down to your waist," he re-
quested. He then examined her, pressing
each breast, and squeezing each nipple
until it stood erect. Then thoughtfully
he remarked, "No wonder the child is
suffering from malnutrition. You don't
have any milk."
"Naturally," she replied with a faint
flush. "I'm his aunt, but I'm glad I
came."
* * *
"I never love in the morning," said a
certain well known opera tenor. "Not
only is it bad for the voice. It's bad for
the health generally. Besides, you never
can tell whom you're liable to meet dur-
ing the day!"
Mrs. Cohen, whose husband had gone
to Paris on business, learned that he
was frolicking about with the pretty
mademoiselles there. She wired: COME
HOME WHY SPEND MONEY FOR WHAT
YOU CAN GET FOR NOTHING. He im-
mediately wired back: TO HELL WITH
YOUR BARGAINS!
* * *
"I'm quitting," Fifi told the Madam.
"Why? You're one of my best girls.
Last Tuesday you had ten, and Wednes-
day you had twenty."
"That's just it, that's why I'm quitting.
Tuesday, I climbed those three flights
of stairs ten times and Wednesday,
twenty times. I'm telling you, my feet
can't take it."
* * *
An Arabian sheik needed one more
horse for his entourage before setting off
on a trip into the desert. Two horses
from a village nearby were brought to
him, but the owner of each horse, not
wanting to give up his animal, insisted
his horse was worthless, broken-winded,
crippled, old—and so on.
"It's a simple thing to settle," said the
sheik. "We will stage a race between the
horses. The winning horse will be taken."
An advisor stepped forward and
whispered: "It won't work, Your High-
ness. Neither man will let his horse ride
fast."
"They will," said the sheik. "Let each
man ride the other's horse."
One of Stalin's factories, it seems, is
producing something very hush-hush;
the place is guarded three-deep, day and
night. Every day at noon, the story
goes, a workman would appear at the
exit gate with a wheelbarrow full of
straw—and the guards, fearful that he
was stealing valuable material, searched
the straw, the workman and the wheel-
barrow thoroughly every day. Once they
even had the straw analyzed for special
chemical values—but they found noth-
ing, and in spite of suspicion that grew
to certainty, they had to let the work-
man alone.
About a year later, one of the guards
met the workman who was quite pros-
perous. "Now that it's all over," the
guard said in a whisper, "and just be-
tween you and me: what were you steal-
ing from that factory?"
The workman whispered: "Wheel-
barrows."
A traveling salesman, on spending a
night at a small, upstate hotel, was giv-
ing the waitress his dinner order. The
waitress interrupted: "You haven't order-
ed any of our onion soup," she chided.
"I don't like onion soup," said the
traveler.
"Oh, but you must take some here,"
she insisted. "We are famous all over
the state for our onion soup."
"I tell you I don't want any onion
soup," he said testily, and turned away.
The waitress bit her lip and served his
dinner in an aggrieved silence.
Late that night the man who occupied
the next room to the traveler had a
violent attack of indigestion. His wife,
who had much experience with this sort
of thing, rushed down to the lobby and
sought out the hotel physician. "Please
go up to my husband's room," she
begged, "and treat him. A high colonic
always cures him. He'll fight like the
devil against it, but if you simply insist,
he will be completely cured in an hour."
The doctor goes upstairs and, yet—you
guessed it, made a mistake in the room
numbers, with the result that the poor
traveling salesman, despite his earnest
protests and his shrieks of anguish, got
the treatment that was intended for the
man next door.
A couple of weeks later our hero was
talking to an old friend. "Hey, let me
tip you off," says the traveler, "If you
happen to stop in the restaurant at the
hotel, and they try to sell you onion
soup, for the love of Pete take it right
with the dinner, they're bound to give
it to you in one form or another!"
* * *
There was a young lady of wantage
Of whom the Town Clerk took ad-
vantage.
Said the County Surveyor,
"Of course you must pay her;
You've altered the line of her frontage."
It was a foggy morning, and the fish-
ing smacks off Gloucester nosed their
way out of the harbor. Suddenly a sailor
in one hailed another: "Hello, John, I
have news for ye."
"What is it?"
"Wife had a baby, a boy."
"What'd he weigh?" the other voice
called.
"Four pounds," came the reply, through
the fog.
"Hell, you hardly got your bait back!"
* * *
It was a school in the farming district,
and one morning Johnny came late.
"Johnny, why are you late today?"
teacher asked.
"This morning I had to bring the bull
out to the cow, teacher."
"That's no excuse," said the lady.
"Couldn't your father do that?"
"No, teacher," said Johnny, "you got
to have the bull!"
* * *
A young woman on being asked which
one of her suitors she preferred, an-
swered :
"If all things are in proportion I'd pre-
fer the tallest."
* * *
There was a young lady from Thrance,
Whose corsets grew too tight to lace.
Her mother said, "Nelly,
There's more in your belly
Than ever went in through your face!"
Joe Smith sat in the doctor's office,
while the doctor began to sew up a gash
in his forehead. "What happened, Joe?"
the doctor asked. "Get in a fight? Fall
off a ladder?"
"No," Joe said. "It's a long story, Doc.
Twenty years ago I had a traveling job.
One night, when I stopped at a hotel,
I saw a gorgeous girl registering right
ahead of me. Well, I got the room right
next to hers, and after I'd gone to bed
that night I was awakened by a knock
on the door. I opened it, and there she
stood. She asked me for a blanket be-
cause, she said, she was a little chilly.
I gave her mine, and I went back to
bed.
"In about five minutes she was back.
This time she wanted my sheet, because
she was terribly cold. I gave it to her,
and I was nearly asleep by the time
she came back again. This time, she
said she was freezing, and she wanted
to borrow my spare set of pajamas. I
loaned them to her, and went back to
sleep.
"Well, Doc, this morning I was re-
pairing a broken chair. I had a ham-
mer in my hand. And all of a sudden
I realized what that girl really wanted.
I slapped my hand to my head, and
that's now I got this gash in my scalp."
* * *
Jerry was so in love with his girl that
he offered her everything. A house, a
car, mink coats with sable linings, plat-
inum Cadillacs, the Brooklyn Bridge —
nothing was too good for Jerry's heart-
throb.
"There's only one thing I want," she
told him. "All I want is a solid gold
Boy Scout knife."
He offered her Pike's Peak, the en-
tire chain of Statler hotels, mink shoes
—but she insisted. "All I want is a
solid gold Boy Scout knife."
The stunned suitor went out and had
one especially made up. A week later he
brought it to her, and asked her, "Is
this all you want to make vou happy?
Well, what are you going to do with it?"
She opened a huge hope chest and
put the knife in it. Jerry noticed hun-
dreds of other gold knives stuffed into
the chest. His mouth gaped. "Why?" he
asked.
His girl said, "Well, right now I'm very
beautiful and young and everybody
wants me. But some day I'm going to
be old and ugly, and when that happens
—can you imagine what a Boy Scout
will do for one of these?"
A Korean War veteran, now back to
civilian life, still remembers the day he
was inducted into the Army. After his
physical, he was directed to a desk
behind which sat a Sergeant with a
rubber stamp. The Sergeant looked up and
asked him, "Did you go to grammar
school?"
"Yes, sir," said the draftee proudly.
"I went through grammar and high
school, graduated cum laude from col-
lege, completed three years of graduate
studies at U. C. L. A., and acquired my
last two degrees at Columbia."
The Sergeant nodded, picked up the
rubber stamp, and slapped it on the
questionnaire. One word appeared there:
"Literate."
* * *
Too often the hand is quicker than
the thigh.
"Doc," said the guy on the psychi-
atrist's couch, "Doc, I'm awful worried.
There's this horse, see—and Doc, I love
this horse."
"Nothing strange about that," said the
psychiatrist. "Many people have an af-
fection for animals. There's the ASPCA,
and—"
"You don't understand," said the pa-
tient. "I feel very romantic about this
horse. I mean, I love it like you'd love
a human being."
"Well," said the doctor. "Tell me, is
it a male or female horse?"
"Female," said the patient, indigantly.
"What d'you think I am, queer?"
* * *
A young man named Alfred was mar-
ried to the beautiful Arlene, and he
began to suspect that she was running
around with other men. He didn't know
for sure, so when he had to leave for
two weeks he asked his friend Wendell
to watch his house, explaining his prob-
lem.
When he returned he sped immediately
to Wendell's house. "Well? What hap-
pened?" he asked.
Wendell said: "Alfred, the night you
left a very good-looking guy came over
to see your wife. She got dressed in a
sexy red gown and they went out to a
night club. I followed them. They had
a few drinks, and they danced very close
together. Then they went to another club
and had more drinks. Finally, about
three in the morning, they got into a cab
and I followed them. I could see them
hugging and kissing in the cab. They
stopped in front of your house, went
into the living room and had some more
drinks, and then they both went into
the bedroom and turned off the lights,
so I couldn't see any more."
"That's the trouble!" the husband ex-
claimed. "Always that element of doubt!"
The man was boasting about his sis-
ter, who'd disguised herself as a man
and joined the Army.
"But wait a minute," a listener in-
terrupted. "She'll have to dress with
the boys and shower with the boys,
won't she?"
"Sure," the man admitted.
"Well, won't they find out?"
The man shrugged elaborately. "Who
will tell?"
The Lieutenant on duty at the 64th
Precinct station heard an excited lady's
voice over the phone. "Send somebody
right over," she gasped. "There's an
enormous gray animal in my garden
pulling up cabbages with his tail."
"What's he doing with them?" asked
the Lieutenant curiously.
"If I told you," said the voice, "you'd
never believe me."
The director was fed up with the
chorus. No matter what he told them to
do they shuffled awkwardly through a
couple of motions and stopped. Finally
he exploded in a blistering monologue
that not only scored off the intelligence
of the girls but also their moral char-
acter. One chorine left the theater in
tears and came back the next day with
a medical certification of her virginity.
"It's no good," the director said flatly.
"It's dated yesterday."
While dancing with a dapper English-
man, the American girl's brooch became
unfastened and slid down the back of
her gown.
She told her escort about it and asked
him to retrieve the lost article. Some-
what embarrassed, but determined to
lease, he reached cautiously down the
ack of her gown. After a moment, he
said, "Awfully sorry, but I can't seem
to locate it."
"Try further down," she advised. He
did, beginning to blush. Still no brooch.
"Down still further," she ordered.
Looking around and discovering that he
was being watched by every couple on
the dance floor, the Englishman blushed
even deeper and whispered, "I feel a per-
fect ass."
"Never mind that!" she snapped. "Just
get the brooch!"
* # *
Here's to you,
So sweet and good,
God made you.
I wish I could.
The beautiful young lady strolled
through the zoo, and finally stopped in
front of the monkey island. Mystiiied as
to the wnereabouts of tne animals, she
queried the keeper, "Where are all the
monkeys today?"
"Tney're back in the cave, Miss, it's
the mating season."
"Will they come out if I throw them
some peanuts?"
The keeper scratched his head, "I don't
know, Miss. Would you?"
There was a young lady from Spain,
Who demurely undressed on a train.
Then an eager young porter
Did more than he orter
And she promptly cried, "Do it again."
A wanton young lady from Wimley,
Reproached for not acting quite primly,
Answered, "Heavens above,
I know sex isn't love,
But it's such an attractive facsimile."
* * *
Some girls go to such lengths to get a
mink coat that when they finally get
one, they have trouble buttoning it.
* * *
For her first week's salary, the gor-
geous new secretary was given an ex-
quisite nightgown of imported lace. The
next week her salary was raised.
His lordship awoke with an all too in-
frequent feeling of virility and joyfully
announced his condition to his valet. Im-
pressed, the servant asked, "Shall I
notify m'lady?"
"No, just hand me my baggy tweeds,"
replied his lordship. "I shall smuggle
this one into town."
* * *
It was a large, lavish dinner party and
many important dignitaries and members
of society were there.
"I suppose I mustn't offer you wine,"
said the hostess to the guest of honor
seated on her right. "Aren't you the
chairman of the Temperance League?"
"Oh, no," replied her guest with a
smile, "I'm the head of the Anti-Vice
League."
"Oh, of course," said the embarrassed
hostess, "I knew there was something I
shouldn't offer you."
* * *
Man who goes out with flat-chested
woman has right to feel low-down.
A naive father is one who thinks his
daughter has been a good girl because
she returns from a date with a Gideon
Bible in her purse.
Three female members of an exclusive
country club walked into the women's
shower room and were shocked to see
the lower part of a man's anatomy be-
hind the door of one of the shower stalls.
"Well!" said one of the ladies, "that cer-
tainly isn't my husband!" The second
one added, "He isn't mine, either."
And the third, the youngest of the
three, said, "Hell, he isn't even a mem-
ber of the club."
The young reporter was interviewing
a woman who had just reached her 100th
birthday.
"To what do you attribute your re-
markable good health?" he asked.
"Well," she said, thoughtfully, "I've al-
ways eaten moderately, worked hard, I
don't smoke or drink, and I keep good
hours."
"Have you ever been bed-ridden?" the
reporter asked.
"Well, sure," said the elderly lady,
"but don't put that in your paper."
He took a blind date to an amusement
park. They went for a ride on the Ferris
wheel. The ride completed, she seemed
rather bored.
"What would you like to do next?" he
asked.
"I wanna be weighed," she said. So the
young man took her over to the weight
guesser. "112." said the man at the scale,
and he was absolutely right.
Next they rode the roller coaster. After
that, he bought her some popcorn and
cotton candy, then he asked what else
she would like to do.
"I wanna be weighed," she said.
I really latched onto a square one to-
night, thought the young man, and using
the excuse that he had developed a head-
ache, he took the girl home.
The girl's mother was surprised to see
her home so early, and asked, "What's
wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time
tonight?"
"Wousy," said the girl.
* * *
A new make of automobile was offered
on the general market with the higher
priced cars. The new car was poorly re-
ceived by the public and, in attempts to
move one years models to make room
for the newer styles, one dealer adver-
tised that they would give a blonde with
each car.
A delighted young wolf purchased a
car and rode away with his newly-
acquired blonde into the country. Park-
ing on a lonely side road, he whispered
something into her ear.
"No," she replied, "you got that when
you bought the car."
Modern woman put such false front,
man never knows what he is up against.
The bather found herself minus the
top of her bathing suit when she came
to the surface after the dive.
Stricken with embarrassment, she
clambered, out of the pool, her arms
crossed in front of her breasts. She had
almost made the bathhouse unnoticed
when a small boy appeared suddenly in
her path and said "Lady, if you're giving
away those puppies, could I have the
one with the pink nose?"
Sam met his friend Bill at a bar.
"What's new?" he asked.
"Oh, not much," Bill said. "I'm still
with the circus. Hey—that reminds me
I've got a terrific buy for you. I'm going
to sell you an elephant for a hundred
bucks."
"No," said Sam. "What am I going to
do with an elephant? In my apartment
there isn't room for a flea. Absolutely
no."
"Wait a minute. It's a small elephant.
Housebroken. Nice healthy pet. Doesn't
eat so much. You'll love him.
"Once I told you no. I'm telling you
again."
Bill thought for a minute. Then he
said: "Sam, you drive a hard bargain,
but I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll give you
three elephants for two hundred bucks."
"Ah," said Sam, "now you're talking.
It's a deal."
# * *
During the recent Vice crusades in
New York three women were arrested
and haled before Hizzoner. The resound-
ing squawks of innocence meant little,
and the Judge finally silenced them and
got down to business. He looked at the
first girl, and she rolled her eyes and
stretched her legs.
"What's your business?" the Judge de-
manded.
"I'm a dressmaker," she cooed. "And
these awful policemen—"
"Thirty days," said the Judge calmly.
The second girl wes asked the same
question.
"Oh, your Honor," she wept, "I'm a
dressmaker with a family to support, a
crippled mother and a dying baby, and
"Thirty days," the Judge interrupted.
The third girl was called to order.
"What's your business?" the Judge asked.
"I'm a prostitute," the girl replied
frankly.
The Judge looked relieved. "How's bus-
iness?" he asked.
"Just lousy," she said, "what with all
those dressmakers around."
The Related Sale was the subject of a
pep talk given recently by the manager
of a certain super drug store. "For in-
stance, if a customer wants razor
blades," he told employees, "ask him how
he's fixed for shaving cream and after-
shave lotion. That way you can turn a
small sale into a bigger one and earn a
larger commission."
The youngest clerk was very impressed
by the talk and decided to try the
technique on his very next customer.
This turned out to be a rather em-
barrassed gentleman who shyly request-
ed a box of Kotex for his wife. Ten
minutes later, the manager of the store
was amazed to see the customer stagger-
ing out loaded down with assorted fish-
ing equipment, tackle, nets, boots and a
one-man inflatable life-raft. "What hap-
pened?!" the manager gasped, and the
clerk modestly attributed his success to
"The Related Sale."
"Related Sale!" exclaimed the manager.
"But all he wanted was a box of—"
"I know. So I said, 'Look mister, there
isn't going to be much doing around your
house this weekend. Why don't you take
a fishing trip?' "
* * *
"I'm going to have a little one,"
Said the girl, so gay and frisky.
And the boyfriend up and fainted
(Then she told him she meant whiskey).
A wily bandit was finally captured by
the king's troopers. The king, a man
fond of games and riddles, posed this
one to the bandit: "You may make one
statement. If you tell the truth in it, you
will be shot. If you lie, you will be
hanged." The bandit put everything in a
fine mess with this reply:
"I am going to be hanged."
Sally was sent down to the office to
get her aunt's weekly pay. On the way
home, she was accosted by a robber who
took the pay envelope and ran. Sally
rushed up to a policeman and said, "Of-
ficer, a man just stole my aunt's pay.
"Well," said the officer wearily, "if
you'll stop talking pig Latin, maybe I
can help you."
* * *
The Morning After can be pretty horri-
ble on any terms—but it's rather more
so when you wake up in a hospital bed.
That happened to one guy, who peered
up from his bed of pain and asked the
friend standing near him: "What hap-
pened?"
"Well," his friend began, "last night
when we got back to the hotel room you
walked over to the window and said you
were going to fly around the block."
"Why didn't you stop me?" asked the
indignant sufferer.
"To tell you the truth," his friend
said cautiously, "last night I thought
you could do it."
* * *
A man and a woman were talking.
"Tell me," the man said. "Would you
sleep with a man for a million dollars?"
"Why, yes, frankly," the woman said
after some pause, "I think I would."
"Well, would you sleep with a man
for two dollars?" the man persisted.
"What do you think I am?"
"We've settled that," the man said.
"Now we're only haggling about the
price."
* * *
A small ad in a foreign newspaper re-
cently brought a terrific response. "What
every young girl should know best be-
fore she marries," it read. "Profusely
illustrated. Explicit instructions. Sent in
plain wrapper."
Thousands of eager souls requested
the volume. Every one of them received
a very good cook book.
* * *
An elderly French playboy entered the
door of his favorite sporting-house and
asked the Madam if he might have an
audience with Renee.
"Alas, Monsieur," replied the Madam,
"Renie is visiting her dead Mother
in Provence. Would you care to see
Musette?"
The old gentleman smiled. "No, thank
you, chere Madame, I will return another
day. When do you expect Renee to be
back?"
"Saturday next," said the Madam.
"Your devotion is to be admired. But can
you not find diversion in the company
of Clothilde? Or Gaby? Or the lively
Yvette?"
To each suggestion, the old man shook
his head. Curious, the Madam asked,
"Renee is, of course, charming, but what
does she possess that the other girls do
not?"
"Patience, chere Madame," he replied,
"patience."
* * *
Did you ever notice what motel spells
backwards?
I ftaouwtr aun6 MY
Of '
Why you dorling! Married only four hours
and already you're thinking about getting a job!'
VOL. 1, NO. 1— $2.00 THE COPY STAG STORIES, PRINTED IN U.S.A. BY PRIVATE EDITIONS PUBLISHERS
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