.GAUDEAMUS
Sexiatus mania,
Frustratatum randium,
Sexiatus mania,
Frustratatum randium,
Prostitutum contraceptum,
Manus fingum masturbatum,
Satisfactor relievum,
Satisfactor relievum.
ST LUCIA WAY
We were playing the game, we were playing the game,
St. Lucia way, St. Lucia way,
The boys all on the sideline, they seemed to say,
Bloody forwards can't score, take them away,
Cos they play the game, the old St. Lucia way,
ST LUCIA WAY ....
We were playing the game, we were playing the game,
St. Lucia way, St. Lucia way,
The wingers were stupendous, they ran all day,
But their shots were all wide, fa,r far astray,
'Cos they played the game, the old St. Lucia way,
ST. LUCIA WAY ....
We were playing the game, we were playing the game,
St. Lucia way, St. Lucia way,
The halfbacks and the full backs, hogged all the play,
They demanded cold beer served on a tray,
And they hogged that too, the old St Lucia way,
ST. LUCIA WAY ....
We were playing the game, we were playing the game.
St Lucia way, St. Lucia way,
And the boys had brought their girlfriends to watch them play,
And they tried to crown Dave, Queen of the May,
'Cos he played the game the old St Lucia way,
ST. LUCIA WAY ..
40
SO TIRED
So tired, the aftermath of each game,
With every ache you can name,
I'll not play hockey again,
So tired I feel buggered and dead,
Another game I should dread,
I wish me back in my bed,
And there suddenly appeared before me,
The only glass my hands could over hold,
I sipped it slowly and a flush came o'er me,
And when I looked up the whole room rolled,
So tired I'll not go out there again,
That's just for boys about ten,
Beer drinkin's more to my yen.
ROLL ME OVER IN THE CLOVER
This is number one,
And the fun has just begun,
Chorus;
Roll me over, lay me down and do it again,
Roil me over in the clover,
Roll me over, lay me down and do it again.
Oh, this is number two,
And my hand is on her shoe.
Oh, this is number three,
And my hand is on her knee.
Oh, this is number four,
And we're rolling on the floor.
Oh, this is number five,
And the bee is in the hive,
Oh, this is number six,
And she said she liked my tricks.
Oh, this is number seven,
And we're in our seventh heaven
Oh, this is number eight,
And the nurse is at the gate.
Oh, this is number nine,
And the twins are doing fine.
Oh, this is number ten,
And we're at it once again.
Oh, this is number eleven,
And we start at seven.
Oh, this is number twelve,
And she said "Nu kan jag sjalv."
Oh, this is number twenty,
And she said that that was plenty.
Oh, this is number thirty,
And she said that that was dirty.
Oh, this is number forty,
And she said: "Now you are naug
41
A FRENCHMAN
A Frenchman went to the lavatory,
To have a bloody good shit,
He took his coat and trousers off,
So that he could revel in it,
But when he reached for the paper,
He found that someone had been there before.
Ou est le papier,
Ou est le papier,
Monsieur, monsieur,
Je spread manure,
Ou est le papier.
THE MARRYING KIND
If I were the marrying kind, sir,
And thank the Lord I'm not, sir,
The one I'd wed to share my bed,
Would be a hockey goalie.
For he would kick, and I would kick,
And we would kick together,
Oh what fun in the middle of the night,
KICKING away together.
If I were the marrying kind, sir,
And thank the Lord I'm not, sir,
The one I'd wed to share my bed,
Would be a hockey full back.
For he would bash, and I would bash,
And we would bash together,
Oh what fun in the middle of the night,
BASHING away together.
If I were the marrying kind, sir,
And thank the Lord I'm not, sir,
The one I'd wed to share my bed,
Would be a hockey halfback.
For he would push, and I would push,
And we would push together,
Oh what fun in the middle of the night,
PUSHING away together.
Winger ... run,
Inner ... flick,
Centre ... shoot,
Umpire ... blow,
Spectator ... root,
Innkeeper ... keep it in,
Ground'girl ... sow seeds,
Selectors .,, stuff it up,
Urger ... urge,
Masseur ... rub,
Manager... manage,
Forward ... dribble,
Wing half.., roll.
42
MARYANNE
All day, all night, Maryanne?,
Who do you think I am? SUPERMAN?
SEVEN OLD LADIES
Oh dear, what can the matter be,
Seven old ladies locked in the lavatory,
They were there from Sunday to Saturday,
Nobody know they were there.
They said they were going to have tea with the vicar,
They went in together, they thought it was quicker,
But the lavatory door was a bit of a sticker,
And the vicar had tea all alone.
The first was a wife of a deacon in Dover,
And though she was known as a bit of a rover,
She liked it so much she thought she'd stay over,
And nobody know she was there.
The next old lady was old Mrs Bickle,
She found herself in a desperate pickle,
Shut in a paybooth, she hadn't a nickel,
And nobody knew she was there.
The next was the Bishop of Chichester's daughter,
Who went into pass some superfluous water,
She pulled on the chain and the rising tide caught her,
And nobody knew she was there.
The next old lady was Abigail Humphrey,
Who settled inside to make herself comfy,
And then she found out she could not got her bum free,
And nobody knew she was there.
The next old lady was Elizabeth Spender,
Who was doing all right till a vagrant suspender,
Got all twisted up in her feminine gender,
And nobody know she was there.
The last was a lady named Jennifer Trim,
She only sat down on a personal whim,
But she somehow got pinched 'twixt the cup and the brim,
And nobody know she was there.
But another old lady was Mrs McBligh,
Went in with a bottle to booze on the sly,
She jumped on the seat and fell in with a cry,
And nobody knew she was there.
SHOW ME THE WAY TO GO HOME
Show me the way to go home,
Said the girl on Bondi Beach,
I had a little swimsuit 'bout an hour ago,
But it's floated out of my reach,
And all that I have now,
Is seaweed, sand and foam,
So give me a page of the Sunday Age,
And show me the way to go home.
43
SECOND VERSION,
Show me the to go home,
I'm tired and I want to go to bed,
I had a little drink about an hour ago,
But it's gone right to my head,
Wherever I may roam,
On land or sea or foam,,
You will always hear me singing this song,
Show me the way to go home.
NEW VERSION.
Indicate the route to my abode,
I'm fatigued and I want to retire,
I had a little snort 60 seconds ago,
But it's gone right to my cranium,
Wherever I may perambulate,
On land or sky or agitated water,
You will always hear me crooning this melody,
Indicate the route to my abode.
THE OLD GREY MARE
The old black horse said,
"Let's have anotherie,
Down by the shrubbery,
I'll supply the rubbery",
The old grey mare said,
"You can go to buggery,
I've been stuffed before".
ACCIDENTS ARE CAUSED BY PEOPLE AND VICE VERSA.
MERRY MONTH OF MAY
And in her hair she wears a yellow ribbon,
She wears it in the Springtime and the merry month of May,
And if you ask her why the hell she wears it,
She wears it for a hockey player far far away,
FAR AWAY,
FAR AWAY (not far enough),
She wears it for a hockey player far, far away,
Behind the door her father keeps a shotgun,
Ho keeps it in the Springtime and the merry month of may,
And if you ask him why the hell he keeps it,
He keeps it for a hockey player far, far away,
FAR AWAY,
FAR AWAY, (not far enough),
He keeps It for a hockey player far, far away.
And in the park she wheels a perambulator,
She wheels it in the Springtime and the merry month of May,
And if you ask why the hell she wheels it,
She wheels it for a hockey player far, far away,
FAR AWAY,
FAR AWAY (not far enough),
She wheels it for a hockey player far, far away.
44
And far away the hockey player's laughing,
He's laughing in the Springtime and the merry month of may,
And if you ask him why the hell he's laughing,
He's laughing 'cos he's very, very far, far away.
FAR AWAY,
FAR AWAY (not far enough),
He's laughing 'cos he's very, very far, far away.
ARSE HOLES
Arseholes are cheap today,
Cheaper than yesterday,
Small boys are half a crown,
Standing up or bending down,
Bigger boys are three and six,
Because they have much bigger pricks.
AIN'T GOING TO GRIEVE MY LORD
LEADER: Oh the Deacon went down (group repeats) to the cellar to
pray (group repeats ...),
He done got drunk (group repeats ...) and he stayed all day (group repeats
...).
ALL: Oh the Deacon went down to the cellar to pray,
He done got drunk and stayed all day.
Chorus:
I ain't gonna grieve my lord no more,
Oh! I ain't a-gonna grieve my Lord no more,
I ain't a-gonna grieve my lord no more.
Oh! you cant go to heaven on roller skates,
Cos you'll roll right past those pearly gates.
Oh! you cant go to heaven in a woman's arms,
'Cos the Lord denies those feminine charms.
Oh! you cant go to heaven with poor blind Nell,
'Cos she's booked up to go to hell.
Oh! you cant go to heaven on a pair of skis,
'Cos you'll slide right past St Peters knees.
Oh! you cant go to heaven with a keg of beer,
'Cos the Lord has a rule "No grog in here".
Oh! you cant go to heaven and live on air,
'Cos the Lord above bans nudists there.
Oh! you cant go to heaven in a limousine,
'Cos the lord above has no benzine.
Oh! you cant go to heaven in an aeroplane,
'Cos the Lord don't stock no high octane.
Oh! you cant go to heaven in a P. B. Y. ,
'Cos the goddamned things won't fly that high.
Oh! you cant go to heaven in a Tiger Moth,
'Cos they'll fly so high, then the wings'll fall off.
Oh! you cant go to heaven with Mrs Black,
'Cos she strayed right off the beaten track.
Oh! you cant go to heaven with a radio,
'Cos the ABC goes' down below.
Oh! you cant go to heaven in Robbie's car,
'Cos the darned old thing won't go that far.
Oh! you cant go to heaven in a Ford coupe,
'Cos the Lord has shares in Chevrolet.
Oh! you cant go to heaven in a Berlei bra,
'Cos the goddamned things wont lift that far.
Oh! you cant go to heaven with the Hockey club,
'Cos the Hockey Club stops at every pub.
Oh! you cant go to heaven with a Sports Tele,
'Cos up there the Truth is given free.
Oh! you cant go to heaven in a cap and gown,
'Cos if you're dressed like that you'll be sent right
down.
Oh! you cant go to heaven on a motor bike,
So it'll be a bloody long hike.
Oh! you cant go to heaven on a satellite,
'Cos you'll give the Lord a helluva fright.
45
Oh! you cant go to heaven with a shady past,
'Cos the Lord will say you've lived too fast.
Oh! you cant go to heaven with a floozie called
Ann,
'Cos the Lord will say "You're a dirty old man".
Oh! you cant go to heaven if you drink Four-x,
'Cos the Lord don't want no drunken wrecks.
Oh! you cant go to heaven in a black Maria,
Or they'll send you down to stoke the fire.
Oh! I wanna go to heaven all dressed in white,
I wanna be good and do things right,
Oh! if you go and do things right,
Just bore a hole and pull me through.
SHARES IN THE VERY BEST COMPANIES,
(Tune. "Botany Bay").
I've shares in the very best companies,
In tramways, tobacco, and tin,
In brothels in Rio de Janeiro,
Oh how the money rolls in.
Chorus:
Singing oh the money rolls in,
Singing oh how poor bastards must pay,
Singing oh the money rolls in,
The money rolls in every day.
With wealth in the big German steel works,
No wonder I helped Hitler win,
For when he suppressed the trade unions,
My God how the money rolled in.
My father sent field guns to France,
My brother raised loans for Berlin,
My uncle sent scrap iron to Tojo,
To make sure the money rolled in.
My cousin's a starting price bookie,
My mother sells synthetic gin,
My sister sells sin to the sailors,
My God how the money rolls in.
My brother's a curate in Sydney,
He's saving the girlies from sin,
He'll save you a blonde for a dollar,
My God how the money rolls in.
My father manufactures French letters,
My mother, she pricks them with pins,
My sister performs the abortions,
My God how the money roils in.
My mother keeps a girl's Seminary,
She's teaching young girls to begin,
She doesn't say where they're to finish,
My God how the money rolls in.
We've started an old fashioned gin shop,
A regular palace of sin,
The principal girl is my grandma,
My God how the money rolls in.
My auntie's a boarding house keeper,
At night when the evening grows dim,
She hangs a red light in the window,
My God how the money rolls in.
My cousin's a medical student,
With instruments long, sharp and thin,
He only does one operation,
My God how the money rolls in.
46
THE SONG OF THE SALVATION ARMY
Chorus:
Away, away with rum by gum,
With rum by gum,
With rum by gum,
Away, away with rum by gum,
The song of the Salvation Army.
We cannot eat fruitcake, cause fruitcake's got rum,
One drop of rum turns a man to a bum,
Oh can you imagine a sorrier sight,
Than a man eating fruitcake till he is tight.
We cannot oat cookies, cause cookies have yeast,
And one taste of yeast turns a man to a beast,
Oh can you imagine a greater disgrace,
Than a man in the gutter with crumbs on his face.
Away with Aboriginals, cos Abos have gins,
And one little gin turns a man to sin,
Oh can you imagine a sorrier sight,
Than a poor Abo bloke with no gin for the night.
Away with Tasmania cause Tassie has hops,
And one drop of hops and we call in the cops,
Oh can you imagine a greater delight,
Than the whole of Tasmania in the clink for the night.
SHE WAS ONLY A FISHERMAN'S DAUGHTER BUT BY GOD SHE COULD HANDLE A FLY.
OLD KING COLE
Old King Cole was a merry old soul,
And a merry old soul was he,
He called for his wife in the middle of the night,
And he called for his fiddlers three;
Now every fiddler had a fine fiddle,
And a bloody fine fiddle had he,
"Oh fiddle like hell, like hell" said the fiddlers,
"Merry merry men are we,
There's none so fair as can compare
With the boys of the varisty",
Chorus;
"Oh how's your father?"
"All right,"
"How's your mother?"
"Up tight,"
"How's your sister?"
"She might,"
"When did you get it?"
"Last night....,"
Oh umpah-umpah,
Stick it up your jumper.....
Flautist -— flute — root toot toot,
Juggler — 3 balls — balls in the air in the air,
Barmaid — pump -— pull it out, pull it out pull it out,
47
Tailor —- needle — stick it in,
Cyclist — bike — round and round,
Painter — brush — slap it-up and down,
Carpenter — hammer — bang away, bang away,
Coalman —— sack — heave it in the back or the front,
Surgeon —- knife — cut it round the knob, make it throb,
Butcher —- block -— slap it on the block, chop it off,
Parson -— book — goodness gracious me,
Fisherman. — rod ---- I've got one this long,
Huntsman — horn — up with a horn in the morn.
SWAN LAGER
Swan Lager, Swan Lager, you killed my old man,
Swan Lager, Swan Lager, kill me if you can,
I'd rather drink whisky, I'd rather drink rum,
But good old Swan Lager puts hairs on your chest.
VIVE LA COMPAGNIE
With a girl on the left and a girl on the right,
Vive la compagnie,
In love and good fellowship let us unite,
Vive la compagnie,
Vive la - vivola - vive 1'amour,
Vive la - vive la - vive 1'amour,
Vivo Tamour, vivo 1'amour,
Vive la compagnie.
Our goalie, the Piggy, he plays fast and loose,
For he trains on vodka and pineapple juice.
Our hard hitting full back's as blind as a bat,
He'll knock off your b&$@ at the drop of a hat.
Our Romeo halfback played up on the train,
He says for a penny he'll do it again.
Our dashing left winger can go like a beaut,
He thought it was legal to shoot with his boot,
Our State centre forward went early to Perth,
On hockey and social grounds he got. in first.
Our bodgie right inner has far too much hair,
He doesn't dig hockey, his passes are square.
Mai and his girlfriend were in the back seat,
They could only be seen by the soles of their feet.
Gooey our captain went out on a spree,
He met another and now there are three.
Our goalie came out in one of his sprawls,
And landed fair smack right on his pants.
And here's to ourselves, we're the best of the crowd,
Too modest to sing our praises loud.
Let every good fellow now join in this song,
Success to each other and pass it along.
48
"To the hills men",
"What about the women?"
"Stuff the women."
"Is there time?"
THEY'RE PULLING DOWN THE PUB
LEADER They're pulling down the pub.
REPLY Boo!
LEADER They're going to build a bigger one.
REPLY Hooray!
It's only going to have one bar.
Boo!
One mile long.
Hooray!
They're not going to serve beer in jugs.
Boo!
They're going to serve it in buckets.
Hooray!
The barmaids all wear tin pants.
Boo!
Can openers supplied.
Hooray!
They're not going to serve beer on Sundays.
Boo!
They're going to give it away.
Hooray!
It's not going to have any windows or doors.
Boo!
No walls either.
Hooray!
The barmaids all wear knee length dresses.
Boo!
Of clear plastic.
Hooray!
WHILE THE TRAIN IS IN THE STATION
While the train is in the station,
Please refrain from urination,
Have regard for railway property,
If you want to pass some water,
Go and ask a railway porter,
He will show you to the lavatory.
While the train is stationary,
And you want to go quite 'heavy',
Do not drop your bundle from the train,
From the carriage you must wander,
And a penny you must squander,
And relieve yourself with might and main.
ROTO MARIO
There once was a gay caballero,
An exceedingly gay caballero,
Who was very proud of his roto mario,
Oh, roto mario.
He went to a low-down casino,
An exceedingly low-down casino,
And of course he took his roto mario,
Oh, roto mario.
He met there a gay senorita,
An exceedingly gay senorita,
And of course he used his roto mario,
Oh, roto mario.
He caught there a nasty disease,
An exceedingly nasty disease,
Right on the tip of his roto mario,
Oh, roto mario.
So he went to a learned, doctrano,
An exceedingly learned doctrano,
Who cut off the tip of his roto mario,
Oh, roto mario.
Now he sits by the side of the Rio Grando,
The exceedingly wide Rio Grando,
And plays with the stump of his roto mario,
Oh, roto mario.
So beware all you gay caballeros,
You exceedingly gay caballeros,
If you don't want the pox, put socks on your cox,
Oh, roto mario.
THE WILD WEST SHOW
In this cage, ladies and gentlemen,
we have the hippopotamus,
The hippopotamus?,
Yes, the hippopotamus is an amazing animal,
When its eyes are open, its arsehole is closed,
And when its eyes are closed, its arsehole is open,
Someone threw pepper in its eyes,
And, Christ, he's got diarrhoea!
Chorus: Oh we're off to see the wild west sho-o-
oh,
The elephant and the kangaroo-oo-oo,
Never mind the weather, so long as we're together,
And we're off to see the wild west sho-o-oh.
In this cage, ladies and gentlemen ,
we have the oomi-doodle bird,
The oomi-doodle bird?
Yes, the oomi-doodle bird is an amazing animal,
It flies, but has no legs,
And when it lands, oomi-doodle.......
In this cage, ladies and gentlemen,
we have the giraffe,
The giraffe?
Yes, the giraffe is an amazing animal,
It is the only animal in the jungle that
can go into a bar,
And say, "The highballs are on me".
In this cage, ladies and gentlemen,
we have the sphinx,
The sphinx?
Yes, the sphinx is an amazing animal,
It is the only animal with a triangular arsehole,
It shits bricks, hence the pyramids.
In this cage, ladies and gentlemen,
we have the tight skinned lizard,
The tight skinned lizard?
Yes, the tight skinned lizard is an amazing animal,
Whenever it blinks it flips itself,
Someone threw pepper in its eyes,
And it flogged itself to death.
In this cage, ladies and gentlemen,
we have the rhinoceros,
The rhinoceros?
Yes, the rhinoceros is an amazing animal,
it is the richest animal in the world,
Its name comes from the ancient Greek,
Rhine meaning money, soarse meaning piles,
It has piles and piles of money.
In this cage, ladies and gentlemen,
we have the orang-utan,
The orang-utan?
Yes, the orang-utan is an amazing animal,
It has balls of steel, and as it swings
from vine to vine through the jungle,
Its balls go orang-utan, orang-utan.
In this cage, ladies and gentlemen,
we have the Ooh-ah bird,
The Ooh-ah bird?,
Yes, the Ooh-ah bird is an amazing animal,
The male of the species lives at the north pole,
The female of the species lives at the south pole,
In spring they migrate,
And when they meet, oooohh-aaaahh.
50
In this cage, ladies and gentlemen
we have the elephant,
The elephant?
Yes, the elephant is an amazing animal,
It eats twelve hours a day,
but only shits once a week,
And when it shits it ...,
Move away there sonny,
As I was saying, it eats all week, but only shits .,.,
Please move away there sonny,
And when it shits it shits
Has anyone got a shovel?
In this cage, ladies and gentlemen,
we have the mountain goat,
The mountain goat?
Yes, the mountain goat is an amazing animal,
It farts and jumps from crag to crag,
It has science baffled,
As to whether the farts make it jump,
Or the jumps make it fart.
In this cage, ladies and gentlemen,
we have the kri-kri bird,
The kri-kri bird?,
Yes, the kri-kri bird is an amazing bird,
It lives in the remote snow covered Himalayas,
And comes down to the villages where it
steals the children's bread and butter.
Not so much for the bread, but for the butter
with which it greases its arse
And slides down the icy slopes,
Calling out "kri-kri-kri-krist its cold."
In this cage, ladies and gentlemen,
we have the ostrich,
The ostrich?
Yes, the ostrich is an amazing bird,
Ostrich see snake in grass,
ostrich eat snake in grass,
Snake crawls out ostrich arse,
Ostrich see snake in grass,
ostrich eat snake in grass,
Ostrich backs up to fence,
snake crawls out through hole in fence,
Ostrich see snake in grass,
ostrich eat snake in grass,
Ostrich puts head up own arse,
Loop the loop you bastard.
in this cage, ladies and gentlemen,
we have the leopard,
The leopard?
Yes, the leopard is an amazing bird,
It has 365 spots, one spot for every day of the year,
What's that madam? What about a leap year?
Would someone lift up the leopard's tail.
In this cage, ladies and gentlemen,
we have the fuckauri tribe,
The fuckauri tribe?
Yes, the fuckauri tribe is a most amazing tribe,
It is a tribe of African pygmies
who live in darkest Africa,
Where the grass is extremely high,
And at the end of a day's march the chief leads his
tribe to the top of the nearest hill and they all yell
out,
"Where the fuck are we?".
In this cage, ladies and gentlemen,
we have the wirra wirra mouse,
The wirra wirra mouse?
Yes, a most amazing animal and it
comes in three sizes,
The small sized wirra wirra mouse
runs round in ever decreasing circles
Until it disappears up the fundamental orifice
Of the medium sized wirra wirra mouse,
The medium sized wirra wirra mouse
runs around in ever decreasing circles
And finally says: "Wirra Wirra the hell do I go?"
In this cage, ladies and gentlemen,
we have the laughing hyena,
The laughing hyena?
Yes, the laughing hyena is an amazing animal,
It eats but once a week, drinks but once a month,
And copulates but once a year.,
Why is it laughing? Tonight's the night.
In this cage, ladies and gentlemen,
we have the wombat,
The wombat?
Yes, the wombat is a most amazing animal,
It eats roots, shoots and leaves.
In this cage, ladies ,and gentlemen,
we have the crocodile,
The crocodile?
Yes, the crocodile is a most amazing animal,
It has an enormous appetite and
takes enormous mouthfuls,
What's that madam? Can it eat your hole?
No madam. It spits that bit out.
In this cage, ladies and gentlemen,
we have the wow lady,
The wow lady?
Yes, the wow lady is a most amazing lady,
She has a W tattooed on one cheek
And another W tattooed on the other cheek
And when she bends over "WOW".
And lastly, ladies and gentlemen,
in this cage we have man,
Man?
Yes, man is a most perplexing animal,
He spends nine months inside a woman
trying to get out,
Then spends the rest of his life
trying to get back in.
51
ALCOHOLICS ANTHEM
(Tune; Men of Harlech)
What's the use of drinking tea,
Indulging in sobriety,
And tee-total per-ver-sity,
It's healthier to booze,
What's the use of milk and water,
These arc drinks that never oughter,
Be allowed in any quarter,
Come on, lose your blues.
Mix yourself a Shandy!,
Drown yourself in Brandy!,
Sherry Sweet,
Or Whisky neat,
Or any kind of liquor that is handy,
There's no blinking sense in drinking,
Anything that doesn't make you stinking!,
There's no happiness like sinking,
Blotto to the Floor!
Put an end to all Frustration,
Drinking may be your Salvation,
End it all in dissipation,
Rotten to the core!
Aberrations metabolic,
Ceilings that are hyperbolic,
These are for the Alcoholic,
Lying on the Floor!
Vodka for the Arty,
Gin to make you Hearty,
Lemonade was only made,
For drinking if your mother's at the Party,
Steer well clear of home made beer,
And anything that isn't labelled clear,
There is nothing else to fear,
Bottoms up - my Boys!
WE WANT HER PANTIES
We want her panties (A few times),
We've got her panties (A few times).
SHE WAS ONLY AN ENGINEERS DAUGHTER BUT SHE KNEW HOW TO SCREW UP THE NUTS.
ARMY LATRINES
My job is to clean the army latrines,
I've a plan for the pan that everyone uses,
The paper's OK on both sides the news is,
So you can read while in my latrine.
I scrub it all night, I scrub it all day,
I keep it the way, the way you'd expect it,
And when it gets high I just disinfect it,
And everything's clean in my latrine,
I scrub it again at four in the morning,
My cobbers join in, we polish the chain,
And though we are scrubbing, and scrubbing forever,
We wonder if ever we'll get out the stain.
What motions divine, what raptures I've seen,
But along comes the crowd to destroy what's created,
They just let it fly, don't care where they place it,
You see what I mean in my latrine.
If a man is a freak, and must leak like a creek, let him pay,
I've placed pots for his shots misdirected,
I've sandpapered each face so each base is connected,
But it all goes unseen in my latrine.
And though the seats are all neat with complete wooden ledges,
The bastards still wet it right 'round the edges,
But I stand aloof 'cause they can't hit the roof,
That's the one place that's clean in my bloody latrine!
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WEE WEE POT
When I was just a wee, wee tot,
They took me from my wee, wee cot,
And put me on my wee, wee pot,
To see if I could wee or not.
After I had weed a lot,
They took me from my wee, wee pot,
And put me in my wee, wee cot,
And couldn't give a damn if I weed or not.
THE BOY SCOUTS AND THE GIRL GUIDES.
WOODPECKER
I put my finger in the woodpecker's hole,
And the woodpecker said "God bless my soul."
Take it out, take it out, take it out,
REE.... MOVE IT.
I my finger from the woodpecker's hole,
And the woodpecker said "God bless my soul."
Put it back, put it back, put it back,
REE.. PLACE IT.
S o I REE .... PLACED my finger in the woodpecker's hole,
And the woodpecker said "God bless my soul."
Turn it round, turn it round, turn it round,
REE....VOLVEIT.
So I REE .... VOLVED my finger in the woodpecker's hole,
And the woodpecker said "God bless my soul."
The other way, the other way, the other way,
REE.... VERSE IT.
So I REE .... VERSED my finger in the woodpecker's hole,
And the woodpecker said "God bless my soul"
Slow it down, slow it down, slow it down,
REE....TARDIT.
So I REE .... TARDED my fmger in the woodpecker's hole,
And the woodpecker said "God bless my soul."
Take it out, take it out, take it out,
REE.... MOVE IT.
So I REE .... MOVED my fmger from the woodpecker's hole,
And the woodpecker said "God bless my soul."
Smell it now, smell it now, smell it now,
REE.... VOLTING.
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SIR ROGER OF KILDARE
(Tune. "John Brown's Body!'.
Oh, please Mother darling, may I go to the fair,
May I go with Sir Roger, Sir Roger of Kildare?
And he loves me for my sake,
Oh, please, Mother darling may I go the fete?
Oh, yes, my darling daughter you may go the fair,
You may go with Sir Roger, Sir Roger of Kildare,
But although he's young and handsome,
And he loves you for your sake,
Just take the bread and butter when he offers you the cake.
Oh, poor little Mabel, she went to the fair,
She went with Sir Roger, Sir Roger of Kildare,
And he offered her some candy,
And he offered he some cake,
And it wasn't very long before her turn began to ache.
.And all you young maidens, just beware, just beware,
Beware of Sir Roger, Sir Roger of Kildare,
For there is another version,
But we've brushed it up with care,
So sing the other version - if you dare, if you dare!
She wears a silken nightie in the summer when it's hot,
She wears her red pyjamas in the winter when it's not,
And sometimes in the springtime and sometimes in the fall,
She slips between the sheets with nothing on at all
Glory, glory for the summer when it's hot,
Glory, glory for the winter when it's not,
Glory for the springtime and glory for the fall,
When she slips between the sheets with nothirig on at all
Oh! Sir Roger do not touch me,
Oh! Sir Roger do not touch me,
Oh! Sir Roger do not touch me,
As she lay between the sheets with nothing on at all.
She's a very naughty lady,
She's a very naughty lady,
She's a very naughty lady,
As she lay between the sheets with nothing on at all
(Refrain to be sung with successive omissions.).
CAVIAR
Caviar comes from the virgin sturgeon,
The virgin sturgeon's a very fine fish,
The virgin sturgeon needs no urgin',
That's why caviar is my dish,
My flamin' oath it is,
My flamin' oath it is.
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I gave caviar to my girlfriend,
She was a virgin tried and true,
I gave caviar to my girlfriend,
She does what I want her to,
My flamm' oath she does,
My flamm' oath she does.
I gave caviar to my grandpa,
Grandpa's age was eighty-three,
I gave caviar to my grandpa,
He chased grandma up a tree,
My flamin' oath he did,
My flamin' oath he did.
My father was the keeper of Eddystone Lighthouse,
Slept with the mermaids every night,
He had offspring one, two, three,
Two were fishes and the other was me,
My flamin' oath I was,
My flamin' oath I was.
FOUR-X DRINKING SONG,
(Hockey Women - Tasmania, I960).
Drink, drink, drink to him with the four-x sign,
on the top of his hat,
Drink, drink, drink to glasses that sparkle with,
Four-x that never goes flat,
Here's a hope that the brewery will stand,
Ever to refill this glass in my hand.
I will always uphold this sign, the sparkling Xs,
This love of mine,
Drink, drink, swallow it down,
Drink, drink, you'll never drown,
Drink, drink, drink, let every true Queenslander,
Guzzle it down - Let's drink!
PINT POT
Here's good health to the Pint Pot, good health to barley malt,
Here's good health to the Pint Pot, good health to barley malt.
Chorus:
Here's to the Pint Pot, jollity, quality, try a little drop more,
Here's good health, good health to barley malt,
PAUSE.
Here's good health to the Quart Pot, good health to barley malt,
Here's good health to the Quart Plot, good health to barley malt.
Chorus.
Here's to the Quart Pot, Pint Pot...,
PAUSE.
Here's good health to Hobart, fine hockey you have played,
Though we think you'd do much better, on a little more Cascade.
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Here's good health to Adelaide, fine hockey teams you send,
To try to win the Syme Cup, to fill it with West End.
Here's good health to Melbourne, your Richmond's rotten stuff,
Your Carlton beer is lousy, but your hockey's fair enough.
Here's good health to Sydney, your harbour and Domain,
It's there we left the Syme Cup, but it's there it didn't remain.
Chorus:,
Here's to Sydney, Melbourne,..,
LONGER PAUSE.
Here's good health to Queensland, your Bulimba and Four-x,
They came up here quite healthy, but we sent them home as wrecks.
Chorus:,
Here's to Queensland, Sydney,
EXTRA LONG PAUSE,
Here's good health to West Australia,
Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da,
Da-da-da-da-da-da-da,
Da-da-da-d.a-da-da.
The BASTARDS didn't come.
Chorus,
Here's to West Australia, Queensland, Sydney, Melbourne,
Adelaide, Hobart, Quart Pot, Pint Pot, jollity, quality, try a little drop
more,
Here's good health, good health to barley malt.
HOCKEY FOUND GRACE IN THE EYES OF THE LORD,
(Tune; "Noah found Grace in the Eyes of the Lord").
The Lord looked down from his goalmouth in the sky,
Said "They created hockey - I'm damned if I know why,
Nothing but carnivals since the game began -
They try to win the Syme Cup and drink it if they can."
Chorus:
Hockey found grace in the eyes of the Lord,
So let's fill the Syme again.
So let's fill the Syme again.
So let's fill the Syme again.
"Oh, Lord" said the West, "We won't be there this year."
For our examinations are getting mighty near,
We'll see you next year and raise a rousing cheer,
And then we'll fill you up with gallons of beer.
Chorus:
The West found grace in the eyes of the Lord,
So let us be forewarned.
So let us be forewarned.
So let us be forewarned.
The Lord said "Adelaide, there's gonna be a flood,
There's gonna be some water and there's gonna be some mud,
So take off your boots and take off your socks,
Take off your jock straps - hit it in the goalie's box.
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Chorus: Adelaide found grace in the eyes of the Lord,
But they had to hide their shame.
But they had to hide their shame.
But they had to hide their shame.
"Oh, Lord" said Tassie, "Help us if you could."
The Lord said, "Tassie better lay on the wood,
Never know what you can do, till you have a try -
So hit 'em in low and hit 'em in high."
Chorus: Tassie found grace in the eyes of the Lord,
So they couldn't hit astray,
So they couldn't hit astray.
So they couldn't hit astray.
The Lord said, "Melbourne, the Games will all be tough,
There's gonna be some beer and there'll be blood and guts,
So roll out the kegs and throw away your mugs,
'Cos these are the boys who drink it down in jugs.".
Chorus: Melbourne found grace in the eyes of the Lord,
So they put more kegs away.
So they put more kegs away.
So they put more kegs away.
The Lord came down to look around a spell,
And he found the Sydney team were doing rather well,
So we won't mind what goals they have scored,
'Cos Sydney found grace in the eyes of the Lord.
Chorus: Sydney found grace in the eyes of the Lord,
So he sent them out to play.
So he sent them out to play.
So he sent them out to play.
FOGGY FOGGY DEW
When I was a bachelor, I lived all alone,
I worked at the weaver's trade,
And the only thing I ever did wrong,
Was to woo a fair young maid,
I wood her in the winter time, and in the summer too,
And the only thing that I ever did wrong,
Was to keep her from the foggy, foggy dew.
One night she came to my bedside,
When I lay fast asleep,
She laid her head upon my bed and she began to weep,
She sighed, she cried, she damn near died,
She said what shall I do,
So 1 hauled her into bed and I covered up her head,
Just to keep her from the foggy, foggy dew.
Now 1 am a bachelor, I live with my son,
We work at the weaver's trade,
And every single time that I look into his eyes,
He reminds me of the fair young maid,
He reminds me of the summertime, and the winter too,
And the many, many times that I held her in my arms,
Just to keep her from the foggy, foggy dew.
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GROGGING ON
Chorus;
No cares have we to grieve us,
No pretty little girls to deceive us,
And all we need's a .... to relieve us,
As we go grogging on, (grogging on),
Grogging on, (grogging on),
Grogging on, (grogging on),
As we go grogging on,
And we'll be full before long,
As we go grogging on.
Here's to Aces, jolly jolly Aces,
Here's to Aces, a-written on the hill,
He wanted to change it, couldn't arrange it,
So it's Aces Cavern still.
Here's to Austin, jolly jolly Austin,
Again he's with us - a Casanova true,
For smooth seduction and reproduction,
His rivals number very few.
Here's to Stringer, jolly, jolly Stringer,
OF man River's got nothing on the Doc,
While beer's still flowing, Stringer's still going,
Drinking his way around the clock.
Here to Shakespeare, jolly, jolly Shakespeare,
Poor, poor fellow, he must be kept in debt,
We wanted to send him money to spend on,
Good old products of Gillette.
Here's to Taylor, jolly, jolly Taylor,
He was skipper of the Tassie side,
Thee final bell rang as his goal went bang,
And Sydney's expectations died.
Here's to Hobart, jolly, jolly Hobart,
We've been in Hobart for the Syme to win,
We've nothing to spend on good old West End,
But Cascade will do tonight.
Here's to Queensland, jolly, jolly Queensland,
They brought with them a mascot for the tour,
And Bubbles was here, and Bubbles was there,
And Bubbles was bloody near everywhere,
Here's to Sydney, jolly jolly Sydney,
Their bald eagle is giving us the shits,
They can draw it where they like, they can flush it down the dyke,
Or shove it up any arse it fits.
Here's to Melbourne, jolly, jolly Melbourne,
It seems their mascot is just a woman's toy,
It scratches her back, her bum or her
Producing erotic carnal joy,
Here's to Tassie, jolly, jolly Tassie,
Here's to Tassie they gave us quite a time,
Their hockey was good as we hoped it would,
And now at last they've won the Syme,
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NIGHT UPON THE TORRENS
Night upon the Torrens, we were doing Med,
The students were all up, the nurses all in bed,
When I was First Year, it was my game,
And to my shame, I must complain,
They made me mount a dogfish,
When I was a first year Med,
Night upon the Torrens, we were doing Med,
The students were all up, the nurses were in bed,
When I was a Second Year, I did condemn,
The S.C.M, and Biochem,
And all I passed was water,
When I was a Second Year Med.
Night upon the Torrens, we were doing Med,
The students were all up, the nurses were in bed,
When I was a Third Year, I did condemn,
Called Bowden Sal, on Knuck's Canal,
That's what we called the Torrens,
When I was Third Year Med.
Night upon the Torrens, we were doing Med,
The students were all up, the nurses all in bed,
When I was a Fourth Year, was my face red,
When 5C1 Fred, came up and said,
"Your pills are much too little",
When I was a Fourth Year Med.
Night upon the Torrens, we were doing Med,
The students were all up, the nurses were in bed,
When I was a Fifth Year in shoes of suede,
My plans were laid, I raped a maid,
That's how I passed my Gyne,
When I was a Fifth Year Med.
Night upon the Torrens, we were doing Med,
The students were all up, the nurses were in bed,
When I was a Sixth Year, my pro-in-vice,
She was so nice, I kissed her twice,
But accidents will happen,
Now she'll be doing Med.
LAVATORY,
(Tune; Lemon Tree).
Lavatree very dirty,
Lavatree is always full,
Cause the chain on the cistern is impossible to pull.
When I was just a lad often,
My father said to me,
Stay away from lavatree.
Lavatree very dirty,
Lavatree is always full,
Cause the chain on the cistern is impossible to pull.
The flies they are so big my son,
They'll carry you away,
So promise me that in the lavatree you will not play.
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RICKETTY TICKETTY TIN
About a maid I'll sing a song,
Sing Ricketty Ticketty Tin,
About a maid I'll sing a song,
Who didn't have her family long,
Not only did she do them wrong,
She did every one of them in, them in,
She did every one of them in.
One morning in a fit of pique,
Sing Ricketty Ticketty Tin,
One morning in a fit of pique,
She drowned her father in a creek,
The water tasted bad for a week,
And they had to make do with gin, with gin,
And they had to make do with gin.
Her mother too she never could stand,
Sing Ricketty Ticketty Tin,
Her mother too she never could stand,
And so a cyanide soup she planned,
Her mother died with the spoon in her hand,
And her face in a hideous grin, a grin,
And her face in a hideous grin.
She sot her sister's hair on fire,
Sing Ricketty Ticketty Tin,
She set her sister's hair on fire,
And as the smoke and flames rose higher,
She danced around the funeral pyre,
Playing a violin, a-lin,
Playing a violin.
She weighed her brother down with stones,
Sing Ricketty Ticketty Tin,
She weighed her brother down with stones,
And sent him down to Davey Jones,
And all they ever found was bones,
And an occasional piece of skin, of skin,
And an occasional piece of skin.
One day when she had nothing to do,
Sing Ricketty Ticketty Tin,
One day when she had nothing to do,
She cut her baby brother in two,
And served him up as an Irish Stew,
And invited the neighbours, in, in,
And invited the neighbours in,
When at last the cops came by,
Sing Ricketty Ticketty Tin,
When at last the cops came by,
Her little pranks she did not deny,
For to do so she would have had to lie,
And lying she knew was a sin, a sin,
And lying she know was a sin.
My tragic tale I won't prolong,
Sing Ricketty Ticketty Tin,
My tragic tale I won't prolong,
And if you don't enjoy my song,
You've yourself to blame if it's too long,
You should never have let me begin, begin,
You should never have let me begin.
COME AND JOIN US
Chorus;
Come and join us, come and join us,
Come and join our happy army,
Come and join us, come and join us,
Come and join our happy throng.
Sister Anna, you'll carry the banner,
But I carried it last time,
You'll carry it this time, next time, and every bloody time,
But I'm in the family way,
You're in everybody's way,
But I'm pregnant,
You're stagnant.
The whip, the whip,
No, anything but the whip,
Anything?
The whip, the whip.
Come with me to the bedroom,
But I want to go to the pictures,
There are pictures on my wall,
But I want to go to the movie pictures,
They will soon be moving.
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Come with me to the woods,
But I'm only thirteen,
Little girl, this is no time to be superstitious,
I'll tell the vicar,
Little girl, I am the vicar.
Come with me to the casbah,
But mummy wouldn't like it,
Your mummy's not going to get it.
Where are you?
I'm hiding, I'm hiding,
Where are you?
I'm still hiding,
When I catch you I'm going to .... you,
I'm under the stairs, I'm under the stairs.
I like taking experienced girls home,
But Pm not experienced,
You're not home yet.
Owing to many recent arrivals in this village, those members of the
congregation who have been placing
buttons in our collection plate are requested to replace the same by SAFETY
PINS.
Members of the congregation are requested not to write racing information in
the backs of our hymn
books as the practice is irreligious and the information contained therein is
most ERRONEOUS.
Members of the congregation are requested not to throw banana peel around
this establishment as several
of our young ladies have SLIPPED OF LATE.
Members of the congregation are requested not to throw their cigarette buts
into the urinals as it makes
them soggy and hard to light.
Members of the congregation are requested to have their building fund
contributions in by Thursday as I
will be leaving the parish on FRIDAY.
During my absence wife will be carrying on as usual WITH THE BISHOP.
All those young ladies wishing to join the mother's club are requested to see
me in the vestry AFTER
THE SERVICE.
In order to combat growing alcoholism in this community, next Sunday we will
ceremoniously empty all
wine barrels into the river. We shall now sing hymn number 352 in the red book
or number 426 in the
white book, "SHALL WE GATHER AT THE RIVER."
SIPPING CIDER
Walking dawn the lane, (repeat),
Pretty maid I saw (repeat),
Just sipping cider thru a straw,
Walking down the lane (repeat),
Pretty maid I saw (repeat),
Just sipping cider thru a straw.
I said to her, (repeat),
Pretty what for,
Do you sip cider thru a straw,
I said to her, (repeat),
Pretty maid what for (repeat),
Do you sip cider thru a straw.
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She said kind sir (repeat),
There ain't no law (repeat),
'Gainst sipping cider thru a straw,
She said kind sir (repeat),
There no law (repeat),
'Gainst sipping cider thru a straw.
So cheek by cheek (repeat),
And jaw by jaw (repeat),
O! we sipped cider thru a straw,
So cheek by cheek (repeat),
And jaw by jaw, (repeat),
O! we sipped cider thru a straw.
And now I have (repeat),
A ma-in-law (repeat),
Thru sipping cider thru a straw,
And now I have (repeat),
A ma-in-law (repeat),
Thru sipping cider thru a straw.
Now children one, (repeat),
Two, three and four (repeat),
Thru sipping cider thru a straw,
Now children one (repeat),
Two, three and four (repeat),
Thru sipping cider thru a straw.
O! how I hope (repeat),
There ain't no more (repeat),
Thru sipping cider thru a straw,
O! how I hope (repeat),
There ain't no more (repeat),
Thru sipping cider thru a straw.
O! how I wish (repeat),
There was a law (repeat),
'Gainst sipping cider thru a straw,
O! how I wish (repeat),
There was a law (repeat),
'Gainst sipping cider thru a straw.
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