Faith and Knowledge
One Sunday a colored preacher was delivering a long and
complicated sermon on the subject of Faith and Knowledge, At
times his thoughts rambled off on a series of long and impressive
sounding words which had little meaning* finally he came to an
end of his discourse apd beamed with satisfaction* He felt that
_he had finally-e3q>latoM to his little congregation the difference
between faith and knowledge* He locked over his pulpit and gazed
upon ivir* and Mrs, Sambo Jones, sitting there with their siy
children.
"Mrs, Jones," the preacher said, ffnow do you understand the
difference between faith and knowledge,"
"las suh, Sev. Wo$e.fl Mrs* Jones replied* "When my husband
says he*s got six children and they1re. all his—rthat1s faith,
But when I say I've got six children and they're all mine-r-
thatfs knowledge*"
t-tcOOct^
■HEBOID SBSTOHE
The following stopy can be told effectively
in the first person:
Did I ever tell you about the time I
saved the life of a poor little, half-
starved girl who was trying to sell wilted
flowers one freezing cold winter day?
The temperature was low and a biting
wind seemed to chill the marrow of
your bones. This little girl was hardly
dressed for the kind of weather she was
facing. She wore no gloves, and in her
hand she carried a few wilted flowers
which she tried to sell to people who
passed along the stpeet, She sought what shelter she could in
an op^n doer way, and there X happened to see her as I passed
along the street* Her lips were blue and she was so cold that
her legs and arms were shaking noticeably* As I passed she
extended her hand with the flowers, as a gesture asking me to
buy, I stepped and took out a dollar bill from my wallet.
"Little girl," I said* "What would you do if I should
give you this dollar bill?"
"0hf" gasped the freezing child, "1 would be so happy I
would die frpm Joy.11
So I put the dollar bill back in my pocket and saved the
poor girlrs life*
tcOo^
GENEROSITY
A miserly business man sought admission
to the pearly gates of heaven. "Who are you?"
asked St, Peter*
"I am a "business man," responded the
lately deceased.
"What do you want?"
"I want to get in.n
"What have you done that entitles you
t# admission?" ^
"Well, I saw a decrepit woman on the streets the other day
and gave her a dime.*1
"Gabriel, is that on the records?11 St, Peter asked*
^Xes, St. Peter, it's marked down to his credit,"
"What else have you done?" St* Peter asked*
"Well* the other day I was passing along the street and I
saw a newsboy half frozen to death and gave him a nickel*"
"Gabriel, is that on the records?"
"Tea, St, Peter."
**VJhat else have you dene?"
"Well, responded the "business man, "1 can't recollect
anything else just now.11
"Gabriel," said St* Peter, "what do you think we ought :
to do with this fellow?"
"Oh, give him hack his fifteen cents and tell him to
go to hell.M
stejigs mum -
Que day an elephant escaped from a circus and made its way
far fut into the country. It finally "broke into a cabbage patch
and proceeded to enjoy itself by picking cabbages and eating
them*
She owner of the cabbage patch was a womnr-rvery nervous
and sedate^wh* had lived a secluded life* She had never heard
of such a strange creature as an elephant, much less seen cnef
Therefore, you can imagine her amazement and fear when she
locked into her cabbage patch and beheld this strange and
mammoth animal enjoying itself to the fullest eating her cabbages.
She ran to the telephone to call the sheriff in hopes of getting
the protection cf the law*
"Sheriff, sherifftf* she cried excitedly aver the phone*
"There is a strange creature in my cabbage patch. It is a-huge
beast and has no head* but it lias the biggest tail I have ever
seen on an animal*n
The sheriff was pazsled. He could not think of any animal
which answered this description^*^ huge .beast without a head but
with a^great">ig tail*
(Continued on page 3)
.♦3
"What is the beast doing?" asked the sheriff, in hopes of
getting further information.
"It!s picking up cabbages from my cabbage patch with its
tail," explained the woman.
"And what is it doing with the cabbages?" the sheriff
questioned*
"Oh, Mr. Sheriff," replied the lady, "if I told you, you
wouldnH believe me."
-hdOo~*f
ah: iksibs job
An intoxicated man was sitting at the counter of a beer
parlor drinking a glass of beer when in his fumbling fashion he
.knocked over a glass of beer which spilled all over his lap.
He wasn't capable of realising exactly what he had done, although
he could see that the front of his trousers were all wet. He
turned to the man sitting at his right and asked, "Did you spill
that on me?"
"Ho," replied his neighbor at his rightt "You can see my
glass is still full."
Then the drunk turned to the man at his left and asked
him whether he spilled the beer. "No," replied the man at the
left, "I finished my beer a long time ago."
The drunk shook his head in puzzlement as he gazed at his
trousers. Finally he concluded to himself, "It must have been
an inside job,"
*^-^o0o****»
A EABKBK STOBT
A chocolate darky and his "yaller" gal were walking along
a road together* "I*se skeered mos* to def* Rastus," she said*
"What aiji yo1 skeered of, woman?"
^I!se skeered yo^se gwine to kiss i^e,"
"How kin Ah kiss yo* when Irse got a bucket on mafr haid,
a wash pot in one han1 an1 a turkey gobbler in de udder?"
"Oh, well, yo1 foe, Ah wq.z thinkin* yo * could set de bucket
ob watah on de groun1, put de turkey down an1 turn de* wash pot
ovah him, den set me en de wash pot, frow yo * ahms *rcund me
and des hep yo1seff."
i~~cOc--r
my pariiculah
WAITER: Good morning, Mr. Jones. What will you have for
breakfast this morning?
JOKES* 1*11 have a couple of rotten eggs oh two pieces
of burnt tc>ast.
WAI5BH: Why, wlaat do you mean?
JONES; Well, I*ve got worms* Anything is good enough
for tliem.
Bssa
• .4
Once there was a
temperance lecturer
who sought to put
into the minds of
all people a hate
for alcoholic
drinks of all
kinds*
At this particular
temperance meeting he was
making a special attack on
beer* As he progressed in
his talk the mere passionate
he became in his denunciation
of beers and ales* Finally
he reached the high spot of
his lecture and proceeded
to make use of the following
illustration to drive home
his -point against beer*
"If I place a pail of
beer and a pail ©£ water
in front of a donkejy
from which pail will he drink?1' the temperance lecturer
demanded loudly*
"Prom the pail of water," said a deep^voiced man in the
audience*
The lecturer was waxing enthusiastic, "And why," he
demanded of the man in the audience, "will the donkey drink
the water rather than the beer?"
"Because he!s an ass,tf was.the surprising answer*
FAMILIARITY
Grandma Sarah was well advanced in,age and suffering
from many of the ailments of old age* However* she steadily
refused to see the local doctor or have any sort of medical
examination*
Her daughter, Mary, was worried about Grandma Sarah!s
condition and decided to call in a well known physician from
a nearby city. She was aware of her mother?s stubborn and
unreasonable prejudice against physicians and decided not tp
tell her mother any mere than she had to*
When the doctor arrived Mary ushered him into Grandma*s
room after first informing him about her mother*s prejudice.
She told the doctor to go ahead and conduct his examination
and not pay any attention to what Grandma Sarah might say*
jhen she left the doctor and went out* Sometime later the
doctor concluded his examination and left. Mary entered her
mother*s room.
"What was the nme of that new minister who was in here
to see me?** asked Grandma Saraht
(Continued on page 5)
•. • o
"That was not the new minister,* said daughter Mary.
"That was a doctor from the city that I called in to examine
ycu^tt
"Oh,1* said Grandma Sarah in surprise*
a bit familiar for a minister.*1
nI thought he was
CHEAP, STUFff
A big, red^faced, fresh^frcnwthe^baci>*country sport was
in New York City seeing the town, After walking about the
streets of Broadway he became thirsty and strutted into one of
the swankiest of the swanjs: cocktail bars of the Bright Light
district* He walked up to the highly polished bar, leaned his
elbow on it, reached into his pocket and brought forth a dime.
He slapped the dime down on the counter of the bar and said,
*Gimmie a glass of beer."
The bar keeper was forced to step forward and explain
that the house sold no ten«*cent beer*
"Okay by me, buddy,rf the customer said. uIfll go some-
wheres else. Never could stand that nickel stuff."
wc0o~^
HECTSP^PESS
Here's the reason why women are like newspapers*
There is the bold face type; back numbers are
not in demand} they have a great deal of
influence; every man should have one of his awn
and not chase $ftep kis neighbor's.
A MAJfft S WORTH
A New Tork banking firm was considering the application
of a young map. for an important position. Before making a
final decision on the matter they decided to write to the
young ms,n*s home town of Boston for further information. Thus
they despatched a letter cf inquiry to a prominent Bos tojiian
to whom the young man had ref erred*
In due time the Bostonian answered* The Boston writer
confined himself entirely to the t&a&Xy connections of the
young man. He was, it seemed, a direct descendant of John
Alden on his fathers side and of the Eandolphs of Virginia
on his mother1 s*
^We ere greatly indebted to you for the genealogical
lore,rf wrote the bank, fSbut we wanted the young man for
business and not for breeding purposes.*
~~oOcw-
• • • 6
LIQUDB MBZm
One day a man walked into a restaurant
that sold liquor and went up to the bar*
"I want a glass of 10~yearmold Brink!ey
whisky," he ordered.
The "bar tender did not have 10**year~
old Brinkley so without telling his
customer he substituted another brand.
The customer took one taste of the
liquor served him and said, "This isn't
ICWyear-rold Brinkley, it's Carwell's
five-year-old whisky."
"Tou're right," said the amazed "bar tender. "I made a
mistake,"
The bar tender pour out another substitute brand. The
customer took one taste of it and said, "This isn't Brinkley's^
|t's Johnson's four^year^old whisky."
"You're Vight again," said the-bar tender more amazed than
ever. "It is no use trying to fool you. I havenH got any
Bri^kley* s lCWyear-rold whisky but I'll send out and get some."
The customer said he would wait, and in the meantime a man
who had been standing at the bar and watching with as much
amazement as the bar tender left the room. He returned shortly
with a glass of liquid which he handed to the liquor expert
with the request, "Taste this and tell me what it isf"
The liquor expert took one taste and sp^t it out. "That's
dish water," he said*
"yep," said the bar fly, "but whose and how eld?"
MR. HEW RICH
Many stories are told about iar, New Rich^that fellow who
lived in semi-poverty all of his life and then suddenly at a
late age finds himself possessed with a great deal of money*
He decides to "break into society" and live the life *f a social
butterfly for the last of his declining years*
One of the best stories about Mr, New Rich concerns a
Jewish immigrant who came with his wife and family to -taerica,
worked hard, lived a life of self-denial and sacrifice and
finally woke up to the fact that he had accumulated a large
amount of money but was missing the "better things of life .
This Jewish immigrant and his decided that they should live in
a manner befitting a person with their income, travel and make
the most of the few years left to tbenu In fact, they were in
such a hurry to, start their new life that they didn't know what
to do first, Tney decided that they would build a beautiful^
house, but to save time they would make all their plans for '~ .
the new home and then leave on a trip to Europe while it was
being built♦ Thus when they returned their new home would be
finished and ready for then* to occupy.
(Continued on page 7) ■
♦ ..?
Abie hired the best architect he could get and instructed
him to plan a beautiful heme. The architect drew up his plans
and then submitted them to Abie and Rebecca when they were
ready. The prospective heme owners were delighted with the
plans shown them and the beautiful home which was pictured,
"Only von ting," said Abie, "what I should like more,"
"What is that?" asked the architect,
"I vant in that big hall downstairs a statue of me and
mine wife Rebecca,"
"Well," said the architect, "That should be easy* I
can have a sculptor come out and make some sketches of you
and your wife and from these prepare a suitable statue,ff
"I vant a special kind of statue," said Abie/ "I vant
a statue of me and mine wife standing together with clasped
hands,"
The architect looked puzzled, "What do you mean?f! he
asked,
"For forty long years mine wife and I have worked side-*
by-side. Together we have worked hard and been successful,
I vant now a statue showing my wife and me standing with
clasped hands to show how we have stuck together and worked
together all through the years."
"J don't understand just exactly what you want," pro*-
tested the puzzled architect, ,fbut I'll send ov^r a sculptor
to make some sketches,"
The next day the sculptor came and made his sketches of
Abie and Rebecca, Thus satisfied with everything, the two
left on their trip to Surope, bsing assured by the architect
and sculptdr that everything would be in readiness when they
returned home,
In Europe all Abie and Bebecca could think abtut was
their beautiful new home and the nice statue of them. As
the time approached to return home they became more and more
anxious. Finally their impatience was rewarded and the day
arrived for them to sail back to America,
They couldn't wait until they arrived at their home town
and immediately rushed up to the office of the architect. He
w^s waiting for them and had a car all ready to drive them to
their new home,
Abie and Rebecca almost fainted with joy wfcen the car
turned ^nto a beautiful drive leading up to a magnificent
house, The view from the outside was superb, Abie and
Bebecca were speechless, finally Abie recovered his tongue
and murmured, "Oy, vot a house. Fit for a king,"
They goi out on the spacious and elaborate front perch
and walked between heavy pillars* It was massive; it was
gigantic} it was colossal,
They opened the doer and as they went into the house
thd view of the gorgeous interior took their breath away,
"My, w sighed Rebecca, "vot a lovely mension,"
(Continued on page 8)
• • #8
In the middle of the front hallf in a conspicuous spot,
was the statue, Abie ran up to it, but he almost fainted from
surprise and shock when he took a good look, There were two
perfectly nude figures*~^one of him and the other of his wife*
The artist had made exact representations. There they stood,
entirely naked except around the middle of each figure was a
small pair of pants made of'glass*
"Vot!s disj" demanded Abie. "I told you I vanted a
statue of mine wife and myself mit clasped hands*"
"Jha^s right," answered the architect, "There is a
statue of you and your wife with glass pants*"
"Hot glass pants," Abie roared* "Clasped hands, like
this," he said, clasping his hands together to show the
befuddled architect•
-~<-oOo^
THEY CALL HIM PABEBgWSill
FIEST DOG I0V22U I have three dogs*
SBCOKD: tixat do you call them?
FIHST; I call them Curly, Sluffy and Paderewski. Curly is
the curliest dog in town. Fluffy is the fluffiest
dog in town*
SECOND: And why Paderewski?
FIRST: He's the pianist dog,
IX)VTS GQWm DOIH&S
Novelties are always sought at Hollywood parties attended
by motion picture actors and actresses* At one such party, as
a stunt it was decided to ask each guest to write his or her
epitaph-*~the words which would appear on their graves to ne^^and
when ^called upon to get up and read what they had written* A
much^married movie actress complained to her escort for the
evening that sh© didn't know what to write for her epitaph*
However, he offered to write it for her if she would read it
as he wrote it* She agreed and this is what she read: "At
last she sleeps alone*"
**<-to0o«—*
EXPEBIEMCBD
The great harbor was full of tooting horns and moving
vessels. Two little telephone girls stood in the crowd look-
ing out to a great ship that threaded its way to sea*
!fAin*t it a shame," mourned one, "that these handsome
marines have to go way off to China. What will they ever do
there?"
wlhat will they do?" asked her companion. "Have you
ever had a date with a marine?"
jSPEECESg.
Speeches are like bab|es-^easy to conceive but hard to
deliver*
A LITTLE BIRD TOLD MB THIS OKB
It. was nesting season for the "birds and Mama Hob in was "busy
doing her wifely
chores* Each day, when Papa Robin came home from foraging Mama
proudly displayed
a sky-blue egg, until there in the tidy nest were a total of four*
But on the
fifth evening, Papa Robin glancing into the nest prepared to give
his usual
approbation, met a disturbing spectacle* There lay a white egg,
speckled with
brown, With a look of mingled anguish a,nd anxiety, he turned a
quizzical eye
upon his waiting frau» "Oh, that?" she said with assumed
nonchalance, "Why,
I just laid that for a lark,11
~-*oQo~~
SOME ERROR
Jimmy, who had been climbing trees, came in for the second time
with his
trousers torn* "Go upstairs and mend them yourself," ordered his
harassed mother*
Some time later she went up to see how he was getting along, The
trousers
were there, but no Jimmy. Puzzled, she came downstairs and noticed
that the
cellar door, usually shutf was opea* She went to the door and called
down loudly
and angrily, "Are you running about down there without your trousers
on?"
The reply came sternly in a man*s deep voice. "No, madam! I*m
reading the
gas meter]"
~.oOo-^
CQHSJDSRATB
Little Johnry was asked what he wanted for Christmas. He replied
that he
would like to have a baby sister*
It so happened that by a fortunate circumstance his mother was
taken to a
hospital and a baby sister arrived just in time for Christmas*
The next year he was asked what he would like for Christmas and
he said he*d
like a Shetland pony if it woulduH be too hard on mother*
-<rQ0Or»-f
LAi©LQTOS
A woman used to ask a doctor if she could have children* Now she
asks the
landlord*
-^oQq^t
NOT PARTICULAR
$he third time she strutted across the hotel lobby he stepped up
with,
."Pardon, are you looking for a particular person?"
She looked him up and down and said, "Well,. •. ..I'm satisfied if you are."
-«~o0o~~
K)R AIL PURPOSES
Jack? In this bottle I have peroxide which makes blondes, and in
this bottle
J have dye which makes brunettes*
Alex: And what's in the third bottle?
Jack: G-in, which makes both*
~^o0o-~r
COULD BE
The teacher wrote on tjtie blackboards ,r? didnH have no fun last
night."
Turning to the class she said, "How can I correct this?"
Voice from the rear? "Get yourself a boy friend."
*—*oQo**tt
• •10.
LITTLE DIFFmSSCES
A speaker was called upon to address a mixed crowd of
men and women. Before getting into his talk he thought it
might "be well to pay his respects to the fair sex, so he
started out "by saying very impressively, "Today we have women
doctors,"
At this point, an intoxicated gentleman in the rear of
the hall rose laboriously to his feet with a cry of, "Hurrah
for womfn doctorshi"
Unperturbed* the speaker proceeded* "Today we have
women lawyers*"
Again the drunk arose and shouted, ,fHurrah for women
lawyers,"
1fIn fact," said the speaker, continuing with grim deter-*
minatien, "today we find that "between men and women, there is
very little difference*"
With a supreme effort the intoxicated man once more
hoisted himself to his feet, and uttered a feeble but earnest
cry, "Hurrah for that little difference!"
ypp3SRg-ASB
A new papa received ..the glad tidings in a telegram
which read as follows: "Hazel gave "birth to a little girl
this inorning; hoth doing well." On the message was a
sticker reading: "When y<*u want a "boy call Western Union*"
•—i*o0c—•*
ffi KHEW
There was a little hoy who had a habit of sueking his
thumb, and his mother tried every way to break him* Finally
one day she pointed to a fat man with a very large stomach
and told the little bty that the man had grown a large stomach
because he sucked his thumb. Therefore, that should be a
warning to the little boy never to suck his thumb or he might
develop a very large stomach*
That afternoon the mother took the little boy down to
see a moving picture* In the lobby there was standing a
woman whose stomach was mucfr larger than normal* They little
boy kept staring at her until finally she became very annoyed
and said angrily, "^ou donU know me. Stop staring at me.
You don't know who J am*"
"No," replied the little boy solemnly. "I donH Jkjiow
who you,,are but I-know what you have beexi doing.1*
t^oOot^
• •.11
IHiS CHISELER(SMETHpBa
The old chiseler limped painfully up to the bar and
leaned against it in.an attitude of dejection,
"What's the matter?" asked a sympathetic friend, "Have
an accident?"
"No," replied the chiseler, "Ifve just had a touch
of yoors,"
The sympathetic guy scratched his head, "What's yoors?j
he asked.
"1*11 take straight whisky, thanks."
^~c0o—
A WEE NIPP3B}
SALESMM (addressing company receptionist); Is the "boss in?
OISflGE QI3L; J^m sorry but he's out.
SJaSSIOH; Will he he hack after a little?
OFFICE GIBL: I think he*s out after a little*
A JBSAD GOOD CEBISTIMT
"mother," said little Johnny, "I believe our ashman is
a real good Christian* **
"What makes you think that, son?"
"Well, yesterday, when he was about to dump the ash
barrel into his cart, the bottom of the barrel dropped out
and the ashes went all over him. He was a messf but instead
of getting mad, he brushed himself off, and then sat right
down on the curb and told God all about it."
soM5 bomeo,
FIFE; You knowt I suspect that my husband is having a love
affair with Ids secretary.
&AIB3 I donH believe it. You're only saying that to make
me jealous.
<~~o 0o~~
CiufflLESS
"Why so dejected?"
"My wife found a letter I should have mailed*"
"That*s nothing. Yesterday my wife found a letter I
should have burned."
wo0c~*-
TEE LITTLE pUM
HUBBY (A bit worse for we ar )*•*•" Your re not angry because I
came home last night with this black eye?"
WIPE (Sweetly)—f"lhy no, perhaps you don't remember, but
you didnH have the black eye when you came home.
*--rOOo«r*<-
..12
THOUBLSS
If you run into someone who is complaining of troubles
or if you are giving a talk and need an illustration of min-
imizing one's troubles, here's a good story:
A man with a small bey was traveling on a train. The
man seemed lost in thought when suddenly he brought up his
hand and struck the boy across the face. The boy started to
cry and many annoyed passengers looked around* However, the
man returned to his pose of deep thought and contemplation.
About a half-hour later the man again suddenly struck
the boy with his palm across the face* Many of the passengers
began to resent his action and obvious abuse of the lad# How-
ever, they said nothing. After an elapse of another half-hour
the man again suddenly aroused himself and slapped the boyf
This was too much for the passengers who gathered
together in sympathetic groups to discuss the situation,
Finally one of the passengers came over to the man and said,
"If you strike the boy again we are going to make trouble
for you."
The man looked at the stranger and answered sullenly,
"Huh, youfre going to make trouble for mejf! Then he resumed
his pose of deep thought and contemplation,
About a half**hour later he roused himself suddenly and
once more slapped the lad. This time the passenger came over
and said sternly, !,Didnft 1 tell you that if you slapped that
boy again we would give you t^oublei11
The man leaned back in his seat and sneered, "You give me
trouble. Huh J My wife is in the baggage coach in a coffin.
Uy daughter is at a hospital giving birth to an illegitimate
child, itiy oldest son is in the death cell of the penitezitiary
a.nd will be hanged next week* I am dying of cancer, and this
young kid here dirtied his pants. And yourre going to give
me troubleJ"
WAS EEB PACS BSD
YOUNG GrlHj (peering out of her berth en a sleeper, spying
an elderly gentleman): Sir, have you the time?
OJ4D GEHTIiBMAN: Ho, madam, nor the inclination.
^oOo—
KISTOfiJ
PEC3FESS0K; Can you give an example of a commercial
appliance used in anpient times?
STUDENT: Yes sir. The loose leaf system used in the
Garden of 3den#
"VALUE OF IOHBY
11 My friends,11 said the jurist earnestly, "money is not
all. It is not money that will mend a broken heart or
reassemble the fragments of a dream. Money cannot brighten
the hearth nor repair the portals of a shattered home." He
paused and then continued softly, f,I refer, of course, to
Confederate meney^"
• • • Xo
Little Thoughts
A nudist with varicose veins went as a road map to a masquerade "ball*
Some girls are cold. So is dynamite until you start fooling around*
"It won't "be wrong now,M said the "bride as she walked down the aisle.
There is a story going around about the man on the flying trapeze
who caught his
wife in the act*
Well, that!s one way to look at it, as the fly said when she
walked across the
mirror,
A young girl who had married an old man was asked how she liked
living with him
and she replied, '*0ht it*s always the same—^week in and week out,11
An almost exclusively female disease is claustrophobia~**the fear of confinement.
If you tell lies people won't trust you. If you tell the truth
people won!t
like you.
Some girls like to he kept in suspense. Others prefer apartments.
A wolf is just another peace loving American.
Girls worry about their hats and shoes—and between the two there1
s enough to
worry anybody*
A man with six children is more satisfied than a man with a
million dollars*
A man with a million dollars wants more*
Youth prefers to learn the hard way. Some folks never seem to grow old*
Pick 'em fat. It's easier to live with 200 pounds of curves than
100 pounds of
nerves.
Sign in a restaurant: You may get egg on your vest, hut you'll
get nothing on
the cuff here*,
Niagara falls was the bride's second disappointment. It wasn't as
big as she
had expected*
Gals who eat too much sweets are found to have too much seats*
One look at the brassiere ads is enough to convince one that
honesty is no longer
the bust policy.
There was a dumb girl who thought that nSfo kidding11 was a birth control slogan.
Alice is a natural born artist. She knows exactly where to draw the line*
Many a man has made a monkey out of himself by reaching for the wrong limb.
Our high divorce rate indicates the modern girl hasn't made up
her mind to have
a man for hubby or hobby.
Necking party is an affair which invariably lasts until someqne
gives in, gives up,
or gives out*
• •.14
"HELL"
Just what is meant by. this word 'Hell1?
They say sometimes* "It's cold as Hell*"
Sometimes! "It's hot as Hell."
When it rains hard, it's Kell they cryf
It's also Hell when it's dry*
They hate like Hell to see it snowf
It's a Hell of a wind when it starts to blow,
How how in Hell can anyone tell,
What in Hell they mean by this word Hell?
This married life is Hell they say;
When he comes in late there's Hell to pay.
It's Hell when the kid you have to tote,
When he starts to yell it's, "A Eell of a note,"
It's Hell when the doctor sends his bills,
Jor a Hell of a lot of trips and pills.
When you read this you will know real well
What is meant by this word Bell,
"Hell yes!" "Hell no J" and "Oh Hell," too.
The Eell you don't, and the Eell you do.
And what in Hell and the Eell it is,
The Hell with yours and the Hell with his,
How who in Hell J and oh Hell where?
And what the Hell do you think I care.
But the Hell of it is, it's sure as Bell,
We don't know what in the Hell is Eelll
-^oOofT
JUST LIKE A TOiOy
WIT® (At Pearly Gates); "I have come to join my husband."
ST. ESI2LR: "What was your husband's name?"
"William Smith."
"I'm afraid that will not be sufficient for us
to identify him by. We have a lot of William
Smiths here. Is th^re any other means by which
I can identify him?"
"Tfell, before he died he tcld me that if I ever
kissed another nan he would turn over in his
grave,"
"Oh| I know the chap. Up here we call him
Whirling WillieJ"
•*•—oOo—**'
CU^IASHIOUID UMA (To her daughter): "Be a good girl and
have a good time*
IAUGHTEE (On way to party): "I*»ake up your mind, mother•"
•r-oOo—t
| &•. | K | y*$ | *t * f | :; | |||
| -.->,%•* | W&," • | ||||||
| ^' | u'j V*™'. | '•-• . | ? | ||||
| <? | »* | • *""'. | *" * 4\ | • *-* | |||
| A | "'•"^ | *&y | •F | .AC | ^ |
..15
POWER OF PERSUASION
One day a butcher and a tailor went to the horse races together.
They did not have much money but hoped that they might be able to
get a lucky break.
In the first race there was.-, a horse by the name of "Chopped
Moat." That's a hunch, the butcher thought and so he told his
friend,
the tailor, that Chopped Meat was a lucky hunch and he was go in/*
to
risk ^2.00 on it. On the way over
•to the betting stand he was
approached by a tout who asked him
which horse he was going to bet on.
"Ifm betting on Chopped Meat," said . ... c ? „. . ^-, ,"* - , „
the butcher. "I've got a hunch it •' *** * ^"^
is going to win."
"Chopped Meat" can't win,"said
the tout* "I happen to know that
the horse that is going to win
this race is Tug-of - We r. Put your * *'v r % " .
money on Tug-of-War."
The butcher didn't want to
abandon his hunch, but with great
powers of persuasion the tout
convinced him that he should put his money on Tug-of-War. The
race
was run and Tug-of-Wrr came in last. The horse that won by half a
length was Chopped Meat.
The butcher was naturally down-hearted and blue, especially as
he had no more money to bet. A few races later there was a horse
by the nam* of Overcoat running. "That's a hunch," said the tailor.
"I'm a tailor and there's a horse in this race by the name of
Overcoat, so I'll bet my money on Overcoat and he'll bo sure to come
in first."
The tailor went over to the betting window, but before he got
there the same tout came up to him and asked him what horse he was
going to bet on. The tailor told him Overcoat. "Overcoat hasn't
a chance," said the tout. "I happen to know that Flying Feet will
win this race, so why throw your money away." The tailor was hard
to convince but finally the tout's power of persuasion v/on over and
he put his money on Flying Feet. The race was run and Overcoat came
in last.
Both the butcher and the tailor were very downcast and blue so
they decided they would buy themselves some pop corn and go on home.
The tailor went over to buy the pop corn while the butcher waited
for him near the exit. About ten minutes later the tailor came
back, carrying two bags of peanuts.
"I thought you were going to buy pop corn," said the butcher,
"and here you come back with peanuts. What is the big idea?"
"Well," said the tailor helplessly, l?I met that man again."
--0O0--
• ..16
CHEATING
A diabetic old lady who, though on a strict diet and watched
"by her family, was went to sneak down to the ice hex and snitch
delicacies, After each such raid she was laid up in "bed and
finally after a particularly fancy foray it was necessary to
send her to a hospital where, owing to the crowded conditions,
she was placed temporarily in the maternity,
The next day her young nephew went to visit her, was directed
to the maternity wa.rd where he asked the whereabouts of his
grantoother. Stiff backed, thin nosed Ifurse Jones asked the
boy what he was doing in the maternity ward, who he was looking
for, and why,
Replied the boy, "Me grandmother-f^she's been cheating
again!"
VWW AGAIN
One night in the early hours of morning a drunken man
made his way homeward. He managed to climb the stairs to the
front porch and get to the door, but *try as he might he couldnH
manipulate the key in the door* Finally he gave up the attempt
and decided to walk around the house and climb in through a
window. This he proceeded to do, but just as he was entering
the house through the window a policeman happened to pass and
see him.
The policeman came over to see what was going on and the
drunk tried to explain that he lived in the house and couldnft
get in through the door so he decided to crawl in through a
window. The policeman was skeptical of the story but finally
the drunk persuaded him to folitw him into the house and he
would prove that it was his heme; so the two went in through
the window.
"Shee," said the drunk, "thish is my housh. The lightsh
over here and there'sh the stairs*u
Still the policeman wasn't sure, so the drunk told him to
follow him upstairs. Once upstairs the drunken man opened a
door, switched on the light and sa|.d, "Thish is my bedroom.
Shee that bed over there? Thash my bed* Shee that woman in
the bed? Thash my wife. Shee that man next to her?, Thash
me.*1
0AH2JUES3
f,My husband is so careless of his appearance. He just
canH seem to keep buttons on his clothes#n
"Are you sure it is carelessness? Perhaps they are^wuh^^
not sewed on properly*"
"You may be right, he is terribly careless about his
sewing also."
^~o0c~*
.•.17
TROUBLE STABT5
He dashed up to the "bar and hollered: "Gimmie a double*-
header* quick, "before the trouble starts!"
The "bartender did, and he drank it.
"Gdmmie another double-*header~*before the trouble starts!fl
The bartender, puzzled, did, and asked: "Before what
trouble starts?"
He replied sadly, "It18 started now. I ain't got any
money."
-*~o0o—
SLAU&
Two Yankee tourists, while in England* were standing in
a crowded street car, Nearby an elderly English lady and her
daughter began gathering together their belongings, preparing
to get off at the next street.
Suddenly the elderly lady nudged her daughter and whispered
in evident excitement:
"Mary, mind what I tell you. When we get off, do as I do,
and back down the car. I can!t tell you why now.,f
Dutifully the daughter obeyed and they both backed their
way out of the car and down to the street. Safely arrived on
the pavement, the daughter naturally asked the reascm for her
mother's strange request and action.
"Mary," said the mother, "you saw those two Yankee tourists?
Well, when we started to get out I overheard one of them say
to the other: 'When these two dames get off we'll pinch
their seats!'"
~*c0o~~
TOB LADIES' KIOBE
A popular after-dinner speaker was delivering a speech at
a banqtfet one night. At the outset, he said to the assembled
guests that before opening upon his text, he wished to offer a
toast. Eaising his glass toward the balcony where the ladies
were to be found, he made a grand sweep and said; "To the ladies.
To the ladies. To the ladies. The best part of my life I
spent in the arms of another man's wife~>my mother."
There was an Englishman on the platform whc was to be the
guest at another banquet a week hence. About ten minutes later,
the sentiment which the speaker had expressed made itself
clear to him and he applauded. Then he whispered to his neigh-
bor; "Next week I am going to be a guest at a banquet. That
is a great toast the speaker has given* and I will repeat it
in his very words when I am called upon to speak.11
His banquet, in good time, came on, and he had been praised
by the speakers and was finally introduced to the audience*
He said: "Ladies and gentlemen, before I take up the text of
my address, I wish to offer a toast." He raised his glass in
imitation of the speaker he had heard, cade a sweep toward the
balcony and said: "To the ladies. To the ladies. To the ladies*
The best part of my life I spent in the arms of another manrs
wife-~(he&itation). By Jove J I forget her name!"
• •18
mm
There was a colored mammy who took her "baby to the church
to he baptized. When the preacher saidf "Name this child*"
she said, "Pahsan, I wants him named Onyx."
"Onyx*" said the minister, "is a beautiful name indeed!"
and taking the infant in his arms, he said, "I name thee Onyx
for thou art a jewel."
"Dats not why jib calls him Onyx, Pahson," said the
mother. "I calls him Qnyx because he was onexpected."
~~o0o~«^
SOMB GUY
Some fellows can get away with anything. There1 s one in
our neighborhood that does.
Morals don't mean a thing to him. He's unmarried and lives
openly with a woman he's crazy about; and doesn't care what the
neighbors say or think. He has no regard for truth or law*
The duties of the so-called good citizen are just so much
bunk so far as he's concerned. He doesn't vote at either the
primaries or the general election. He never thinks of paying
a bill.
We have seen him take a two dollar taxi ride without giving
the driver so much as a pleasant look. The driver only stared
at him- and mattered something silly.
He won't work a lick; he won't go to church; he can't play
cards; or dance; or fool around with musical instruments #r
the radi*. So far as known he has no intellectual or cultural
interests at all.
He neglects his abearance terribly, He's so indolent
he'd let the house burn down before hefd turn in an alarm. The
telepfcane can ring itself to pieces and he wouldn't bother to
answer it. Even on such a contr0versial subject as the liquor
question, nobody knows exactly where he stands, because he's
dry one minute and the next minute he's wet.
But we'll say this for him, in spite of all his faults he
comes from a darn good family.
He >s our NEW B4BI.
—•0o*~-
SMALL TOWN
"Smallville is so little that its fire department consists
of a horse cart and four dogs."
"What do the dogs do, haul the cart?"
"Gosh, noJ They find the hydrant.n
"My wife had a frightful experience in that plastic
surgeon's office yesterday*"
"My, what happened?"
"She fell asleep and someone lifted her seat."
—*o0o~«* •
Where He Got It ••!$
""There <ifya get the "black eye, sergeant?"
"In the war J"
"Which war?M
11 The boudoir!
-0O0-
Hert?
Taxi Driver-*-."I take the next tuna, donrt I?"
Muffled Male Voice ?rom Rear Seat—"0hf yeah?"
~o0ot-
HSSHBS'RIStJ
Charlie: "I read somewhere that a few hours1 sleep is as refreshing
as
a good meal."
Margie: "Gome up and have supper with me sometime."
*
Keep Out
"Bill got his nose "broken in three places*11
"17hy doesn«t he keep out of those places?"
* Pea tiny *
* *
* Our grandmothers "believed that there was a destiny which shaped our *
* ~ *
* ends, hut the modern girls place more faith in girdles, *
** + **+***** + ** + *#** + + ***** + + * + + + + + + + + # + * + *
Hot legal
"Judge, Jth wants a divo'ce from Mandy."
"On what grounds, Mose?"
"On de grounds dat it wa'nt legal in &e fust place,"
"Why, how is that, Mose?"
"ih jes1 find out dat Handyfs ole man ain!t got no license to he
carryin1
no gun*"
-0O0-
Suspicious
Father: "Why do you have dates with that girl?"
Son: "Because I want to." •
Pather- (suspiciously) "Want to what?"
*
• .♦20
A Poor Start;
"Listen, Baby-~you play "ball with me, and you*ll go places**1
"Qkay-~*but I don!t want to start in tho bushes*1*
* Smart Boy *
* *
* "What does F~&~E-T spoilt" asked tho teacher of a "backward pupil, "but *
* the boy didn!t know, *
* ^What is it of which a cow has fou?t and of which I have but two?" *
* The boy!s answer indicated a surprising knowledge of anatomy. *
* *
Pft, M?
lurniture Store Advertisement: "Tfou gel* the girl, we* 11 do the
rest.11
Youthful Groom: uIhat*$ hardly fair.11
««~o0o*«t
Bqw*s the Weather?
The husband answering the telephone said: "J don!t know* Call the
weather
bureau*,l
"Who was that?" askod his wife*
"Some fellow asked whether tbe coast is clear J1
«r-o0o**~»
Wasteful
The poor judge who hates to see anything go to waste and almost
heartbroken
when he had to send the beautiful blond to prison for life*
~*-o0o-«m
DidnH Like It
Then there was the secretary who quit her job because her boss drank
Scotch
every afternoon and then would wanna chaser.
<-^oQor~»
Maybe, He Would
Pretty girl to old gent waiting on the first tee of a golf course,
"Would
you like to play a round with me, sir?"
woOo*****
Curious
"Ma," said a small boy, "why are the womon in this country always so
tired?"
"What makes you ask that question, Junior?"
"Well, most every place we go, % soe signs reading tjjadies ftest
Boom**"
Traveler
Ethel: "Is Joe a traveling salesman?"
Hose: "If you donft hold his hands> he is,"
*f**oOow^t
Enough
"Must I bare everything?" she asked her lawyer*
"No-^merely cross your legstf
*--*oQo—-*
A Dog's Life "" x ••21
Magician (sawing woman in half); "Now, after this^woman is sawed, hsr train
will go to science and the rest of her to the dogs.1*
Voice (from the baldheaded circle); "Woof, woof."
~**oo0oo~. *
Cutie (in department store)* *Do you have notions on this
floor?11
floorwalker (appraisingly): HFrequently, "but we can't give way to
them
during business hours,"
* Militaiy Objectives *
* *
* Mary: "What's a military objective, Grace?" *
* - *
* Grace: "Just walk past those soldiers on the corner. You'll find out," *
THICK-SKJKSSD
A girl is thick skinned, indeed, if she doesn't know how her boy
friend feels
about her*-
~o~,
SqggQgtion Wanted
Guy: "How that we are all alone, what are we going to do?"
Girl: "Oh, you silly goose."
Guy; "0. K. , but I think that's a heck of a way to spend an evening,"
~~o0000o-^
Explanation
Bill Brown was dragging down the street with large black circles
under his eyes
and in general looking like he had 'been dragged through a knothole
backwards, when
he met a friend, George.
"Gosh, Bill," said George curiously, "you look all worn out, What's wrong?"
"Aw, I've been doing the work of 10 meii,'1 sighed Sen wearily.
"Ten menI Why, that's impossible."
"That's what you think," groaned Bill. "I*ve been locked up for a
week with
a Jury of eleven women,'*
—.oo0oo~~
NOTICSABIiB
T,Well, I certainly made a good impression on her," said the
cane-bottomed
chair as the artist's model stood up.
*
♦ ♦22
worn side
A guest planned to spend the ni^it with a family and there was no
place to put
him except to share a bed with the little "boy* That nigit when the
two of them got
•undressed to go to "bed the guest noticed that after the youngster
had put on his
night clothes he kneeled at the side of the bed* The guest thought
it would be only
polite and appropriate to follow the example of the little hoy, so
when he put on
his ni^it clothes he kneeled at the other side of the "bed* The
little "boy looked at
him curiously for a foment as though hesitating to speak and then
finally he saidt
^You'll catch it from mother in the morning* Jtfs on this side**1
~o0o»«
NOT HER
A buxom young lady walked into the doctors office with an
undernourished,
skinny little baby* The doctor examined the baby carefully but could
find nothing
organically wrong* After concluding his examination he thou^it it
best to examine
the young lady* He zipped open the front of her dress and examined
one breast and
then the other* nJhe baby is not getting enough nourishment because
you have no
milk-^dxy," he concluded*
151 know,** clearly replied the young lady, wI*m not the baby's
mother* Ifm
just the aunt* but I'm glad I came**
*-o0o~
SHE GUESSED IT
The owner of a large furniture store was in Hew York city to buy
some stock*
While on his business he happened to meet in a hotel elevator a
beautif*ul girl who
gave him a friendly smile* This furniture sljore owner tried to
become acquainted
but he quickly discovered that the girl was French and they couldnH
understand a
word of each other's language* He drew a picture of a taxi and she
shook her head
in agreement so they went for a ride in § taxi*
Ihile riding in the cab he drew a, picture of a table in a
restaurant and again
she shook her head in agreement so they went to a fine restaurant
for dinner* After
dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to a
nightclub and
had a lovely time*
Then the girl indicated she would like to use his pencil and
paper which he
gave to her. She drew a picture of a four-poster bed. rJhe fellow
was dumbfounded.
Hefs never yet been able to figure out how she knew he was in the
furniture
business*
-o0o~
SOME EXPSRIBNCE
Six sailors and one lady were marooned on an island for several
weeks before
they were finally rescued* Y/hen one of the sailors was later
telling about his
experience to his preacher the preacher asked, ^Was she chaste?11
MBoyf was she?" replied the sailor* nProm one end of the island to the other/
«*>o0o«*
PISTUHBINO
A newly married couple boarded a train late at night* Shortly
after they
entered their berth she started to say in a loud voice, l!Johnny, I
just canH coiw
vince myself that we are parried*n
For a long time the bride kept repeating over and over again in a
loud voice,
"Johnny, I just canH convince myself that we are married,11 until
everyone in the
Pullman car was wide a^eke*
finally a loud masculine voice from one end of the car rang out,
nJohnny,
will you convince her so we can all go to sleep?**
~o0o^
wIiips that touch liquor shall nevejp touch mine," said she. *W liquor, that I*-
..23
Gould Bel
OLD LADY: I suppose you and your husband worry a lot "because you
don't
have any children after being married three years,
YOUNG WIIIJ: Oh yesf we've spent many a sleepless night because of it,
—ooOoo-.*
Question Bee
Q. If a bustle is a seat deceiver, what is a brassiere?
A. A flopped stopper*
* Observation *
* *
* As the Indian said the first time he saw a mermaid, "How.1* *
* *
Convincing
Old Maid; "1 canJt decide between the divan and the arm chair,11
Clerk? wlady, you canU raak£ a mistake on a nice comfortable chair
like this*"
Old Maid: "OK, 1*11 take the divan.*r
~-*ooOoo-*~
Quitting Time
Boss.; flI suppose you know when quitting time is?w
New Secretary :n0hf certainly. Whenever somebody knocks on the doorftt
HSR CAHSSR
A, beautiful girl applied for a job in the movies. When her trial
tests
turned out well the director began questioning her about her life,
Finally he
said to her, ^Unmarried?"
**Sure thing,u she replied. "Seven times.*1
-•^ooOoo—
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
/// True Words . ///
As the stork said to the Negro, «I«ve just t$ken a shine to your wife." ///
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////^
:M
SMART ..2U
Once during a severe rain storm, three roosters found themselves
caught xn a
deluge* Two of them ran for the barn, tut the third arid smarter one
made a duck under
the porch*
SECRET
Doctor to husband: You1!! have a different woman when your wife
comes from
the hospitals
Husband; But what if she finds out?
abseht~mi::ded
rhere was an absent-minded scialptor who put his model to bed and
started chisel-
ing on his wif e«
APT BOY
"You are an apt boy. Is your sister apt, too?*
^Oh, yes, if she!s asked, she!s apt to,11
FAN DAHCEK
A fan dancer is a nudist with a cooling system.
WBOKQ- LOLL
A man shopping in a department s-core squeezed one doll and it
hollered, ^Mama**
He squeezed another and it hollered, ttFloorw#l&er*w
WISE GIH&
It's a wise girl who no's ohe fellows.
JUST THE COAI
T&o girls met in a bar. wMazie, are you having one?*1 asked the
first.
^No, it*s just the cut of me c®at.w
COMPORT
An hour*s ride from San Antonio is the town of Comfort, Texas,
flanked by the
villages of Alice and Louise* An auto camp located there displays
the sign* "Sleep
*■ in comfort, between Alice and Louise*11
FIRST LESSON
Father Babbit: How come Junior looked so pleased coming home from
school?
Mrs. R. • He learned how to multiply.
DOIT*T BE STUBBORN
A spinster came to the doctor's offfcce and the nurse began to
fill in a history
€ard for her. When the nurse came to the space for listing number of
children she
automatically put down *©one.H
"But nurse," protested the spinster, *I have a !&*year^old daughter."
r,I thought you told me you were an old maid," said the nur$Q.
»I am," she replied* ttBut I*m npt a stiabbom old maid.*
Hels Sure
..25
A gentleman, on being informed that he was the proud father of
triplets, was so
overjoyed at the news that he rushed immediately to the hospital
where his wife and
newly acquired family were and dashed pellmell into the room.
The nurse, being out at the time, was irritated upon her return
and remonstrated
with the father* "DonH you know better than to come in here in
germ~filled
clothes? Why, you're not sterile,"
He looked at her and said, "Lady, are you telling me?'*
-^ooOoo-^
******$**$**#****$**$************$********
* *
* |ndian Love Gall *
* " ,-, p~ ^^-^ ^
* Indian girl have plenty fun with bean and error• *
* *
********* ^ijj***^******* ********************
The meanest guy in the world is the restaurant owner who pinches
waitress1 tips.
-0O0-
Luck?
Esther? "I dreamed of you again, last sii|£att big boyj"
Frank (ardently): "Did I have any luck, honey?"
woo0oow
Honeymo on Happine s s
A young man and his fiancee had wed and were spending their
honeymoon at a
-Jlarge hotel. When bedtime came the bride went to bed and the groom
sat by the
window and gazed at the moon and stars* The bride called to him and
askedf "Why
don*t you come to bed?"
He replied, "My mother told me my wedding night would be the most
beautiful
night of my life, and $.*m not going to miss a minute of it."
woo0oo~~
Busy
Nothing keeps a woman so busy as an idle roomer.
*
Heed for Speed
. "I'm losing my punch,11 said the young girl, as she left the
cocktail party'
in a hurry.
*
Nudist
Then there was the-Super Ifudist who refused to be covered even by
insurance.
tJBONG IDEA
Once an elderly preacher was traveling in those quaint and
mysterious islands
of the Orient* Here one sees many strange and unusual customsf "but
politeness and
hospitality are outstanding* Everything is done to make the visitor
enjoy the
comforts and the conveniences which he might have had at his own
home*
The preacher stopped late one evening at a public house or inn
and asked if
he might get accomodations for the night there* The clerk made known
in his limited
vocabulary that he would he haopy to arrange for a room and
suggested that the guest
might like a lady to share his room with him* The preacher laughed
good-naturedly
and said he was much too old for that. How ever , the preacher was
not familiar with
the native language and could not make himself understood by the
clerk.
The clerk kept insisting in the few words and signs he could
master that he
could obtain for the stranger a very beautiful young girl. So the
preacher shook
hia head and pointed to his eye glasses and white hair to make the
clerk understand
that he was too old and not interested.
The preacher was shown to his room and about an hour later the
weary and
perspiring cleik knocked on the door and Inhere standing with him
was an elderly
native woman with §rey hair who wa? wearing eye gLasses.
-*o0o-
jjOggy sst
A lady was pricing dogs in a revy fashionable kennel.
her around and said something like this* "That bitch sells
over there sells for $50*00.'*
53ae lady looked very annoyed and shuddered uneasily.
aren't you familiar with the term bitch?" asked the kennel
ttYest but I never heard it applied to dogs*1"
«*oQo~
SERIOUS
"Did Doc really mean it when he told you that he'd Only give you
a week to live
if you don't stop chasing women?n
uYealw*Ifve been chasing his wife.11
~o0o~
BABBITS
Rabbits have a funny face,
Their private life is a disgrace*
You'd be surprised if you but knew
The awful things that rabbits do-~
and often too.
-o0o~
CAN'T WAIT
Tony had lost his wife* He was terribly grieved and carried on
something awful
at the ftoerauU A friend tried to console him and was telling himi,
"Now, Tonyf
donH take it too hard. In sixamonth you will find another beautiful
bambina and
first a thing you know you are married*"
Ofoat remark failed to console Tony and caused him to go into a
rage* "Sixa*.
month|» he cried in anguish. wWhat am I going to do tonight?«
«*oOo-»
DETAILED
nHow old are you?"
"Just reached 21.tt
nIndeed* what detained you?11
••oQcw
The keeper was showing
for $85.00. That bitch
"Tflhat's the matter, lady.
keeper.
Advantage of growing old^you o»n st^nd for more and fall for less*
MISUNDERSTOOD . 07
A young mother overheard her small son doing his arithmetic
homework* nThree
plus one, the son of a "bitch is four,* he was saying. "Three plus
two, the son of
a "bitch is five* Three plus three, the son of a "bitch is six*n And
so on* Horrified,
his mother asked him where on earth he had picked up that language,
rt0h, thatf s the
way they teach us at school,11 he replied. The following day the
mother went to see
his teacher and asked her about it* At tirst she was equally
horrified, thsiher face
broke into a grin* ttJ get itj*$ she cried, ttWe teach t&e children
to say fThrfee plus
one, the sum of which is four* Three plus two* the mm of which is
five."
IMPROPER
A dharming young lady named Stop-oer
Committed a "bad social cropper;
She went to Sou'&h Bend
With a gentleman friend—
The rest of the story1 s improper.
TOO MUCH
Did you hear about the sailor who had so muQh saltpetre fed to
him that he was
writing letters to his wife, HDear Friend"?
BEST KAH
How can the "bride tell who is the "best man when only the groom
goes &n the honey-
moton,7
1TAMV3' CUSTOMS
The missionary was traveling in the far-off Orient where customs
and manners are
different from our own "but showing a guest all possible hospitality
is the prevailing
#sy of doing things* One evening on a small pacific Island this
missionary reached
an inn where he wished to stay overnight* He had trouble making
himself understood
to the natives as he could not speak ^e other's language*
The missionary finally made the native inn-keeper understand that
he wished to
stay there for the night. The innkeeper then went through a n-umber
of motions and
hand waving trying to get across some information to the missionary*
Finally the
missionary understood that the inn^keeper was asking him if he would
like to obtain
a young girl to share his room with him. The missionary iaugjaed
good naturedly and
shook hi $ head to indicate he was not interested*
The hospitable inn-keeper persisted and kept insisting in various
forms of sign
language inviting the missionary to enjoy feminine companionship*
Finally the mission**
ary pointed to his grey hair and his eyeglasses to indicate that he
was much too old
for such sort of thing. This seemed to satisfy the inrvkeeper who
left him alone and
showed him to his room*
About a haif-*hour la,t^r the missionary was considerably upset
and surprised when
the inn-keeper came bursting into his room with an elderly lady who
had grey hair and
wore eyeglasses*
WIV3S AT A CONVENTION
Hl\to, I didn»t enjoy myself at the convention *.-* but I ket>t
my husband from having
fuxuw
OLD MAID?S lAVm •
Typical old maid*s la'ugh: He, he, he*1
WHOSE PBDFSBSION? *'cu
A surgeon was taking a walk with his wife when a yomig and vivid blonde
greeted him gayly. The doctors wife eyed him narrowly* "Where," she asked, "did
you meet that person, my dear?"
"Just a young woman I met professionally," he explained.
"I see," murmured his wife* *'Yours, or hers?"
Jffli IN THS JAMIL Y
Two Broadway characters were walking down the street when two lovely
young
women approached them, walking in the opposite direction.
Immediately the two men
darted in a doorway. "Whew," said one, "That was a close Call, 'That
was ny wife
with my mistress."
"Mine too," said the other.
^o0o~
OLD ROUTINE
A retired army officer met his former orderly on the street one day
and hired
him to do the same duties which he had performed for him in the
army. The retired
officer told his former orderly that he could start his day by
waking him at seven
o*clock in the morning as he used to dof
The next morning, punctually at seven, the ex^orderly strode into
his boss1
bedroom, snook him into wakefulness, then leaned over and spanked
the ex*-off icer's
wife on the lower extremities, saying, "All right, baby, it's back
to town for you,*
-fOOo-
STUCK-UP
A dweller in a large apartment building dragged himself into his
apartment all
beat up and his agonized wife demanded to know what had been the
trouble. "It's
that big Irish janitor in this apartment building," the husband
complained, "He
tried to fell me he has made love to every woman in this building
but one,"
rfHnmpf," replied his wife, "I'll bet that's that stuek~up Mrs,
Harrington on
the fifth floor.*1"
~o0o~
IHD1GNAHT
A hotel clerk refused to give a couple a x^oorn, "Frankly, I
don't think you^re
married."
"girl" screamed the lady. "If my husband was here, he'd make you
eat those
wordsl"
-fOOO-r
HAED TO PL3ASB
A couple of men were standing around waiting at a cigar store
with time on
their hands, so eventually they struck up an acquaintance. Said the
first, "Would
you care to have a cigar?"
"lo," replied the other, "I tried it once and didnTt like it."
"Do you want a drink?" asked the first.
"Ho," replied the other, "I tried it once and. didn't like it."
"Well," suggested the first, "would you like to play a game of billiards?"
"Ho, I tried the game once and I didn't like it," explained the
other. "How~
-ever, my son will be.along soon and he may play a game of billiards
with you,11
The first fellow looked at his new-found acquaintance quest
ioningly and re**
marked, "Your only son, no doubt,"
^o0o~
DSTOUR
Salesman? "I've been trying to see you all week, When may I have an
appointment?"
Manager*' "Make a date with my secretary,"
Salesman; "I did, sir, and we had a grand time but I still want to see you,"