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First Edition
Limited to 1000 copies
5
The Rhyme afAllrlesA
Herein is presented
for the reader's instruction
and spiritual guidance
a compilation of limericks
ancient middle-aged and new
composed by the greatest poets
as well as the humblest versifiers
of English and American literature
and dedicated
to the dubious proposition
thai all words are created free and equal
Foreword
T
X HE origin of the limerick like so much of
the merrier side of mankinds story is lost,
forgotten somewhere in the grim chaos of making
history. No matter. Its perpetual rebirth suffices.
It may be said, however, that the limerick is the
most ancient verse form known, as it were, to the
human ear. It has therefore won the sanction of
time if not of the puritans, who, in a shrewd effort
to avoid extinction, invented sin, toward which
they appear remarkably ungrateful.
Dr. Oscar Wells Toomwhite, PhD, Oxford's
late great Egyptologist and author of the song hit
"Mummy", said that in the times of the more
boisterous pharaohs such as the Ptolemys, death
and by no means a pretty onewas the penalty for
a bad limerick. Unfortunately, none of the
Egyptian rhymes has come down to us, perhaps
due to the work of unpoetic priests who held them
to be unprintable or, as the Egyptians doubtless
expressed it, unchiselable.
Among the Greeks, Socrates and Aristophanes
were, according to chroniclers, skilled composers
of limericks, though again none are preserved for
our culture and guidance. (Plutarch informs us
that the stanzas of Socrates were savagely
destroyed by his virago-wife Xanthippe at whom
they were mostly directed after the great
philosopher's draught of the hemlock. She burned
many but ate the more damaging, fearing that even
ashes might be read and immortalized.)
In Roman times, we find that the pungent
Horace and even the stately Virgil were leaders of
thought in limerick form, turning blithely from
their sonorous odes and majestic epics to the more
trenchant favorite. Mark Antony is said to have
despatched by fast trireme many a blunt,
soldierly rhyme to his sultry but not unhumorous
queen, and she to have replied with many a quippy
papyrus born on the wings of a trained ibis. (This
intelligent bird made but one mistake in its discreet
lifetime, when it descended absent-mindedly into
Caesar's patio instead of Antony's.)
XT is not surprising that during the Dark and
Middle Ages the gay limerick is nowhere to be
heard. With the Renaissance and the rise of
English literature, especially during the glorious
Elizabethan period, the limerick flowers like some
merrily winking rose. Shakespeare, Ben Jonson,
Marlowe (unhappily knifed to his end by an
inebriated limerick critic) Donne, Lyly and many
others formed their wit and philosophy to fit the
epigrammatic and irresistibly rhythmic five-line
frame. Indeed, Sir Philip Sidney informs us that
there was no surer entree to the court of Good
Queen Bess than a fetching limerick, "for her
Majestie did dote upon that cheerie rhyme." This
would indicate that Elizabeth's standard of humor
was rather higher than represented in a coarse
and scurrilous play by Mark Twain.
In general, the great writers of English who
have not tried their hand at the limerick are
rarities, and to these may be imputed either too
great pomposity or too fine preciosity for such
robust work. Samuel Johnson, for example, never
wrote a limerick because, as Boswell remarks, "he
knew scarce a word small enough to make but a
single line."
A HE limerick and its aficionados presume
perhaps naively that all words are created free
and equal. Like children, words are unmoral; it is
our own morals and customs which determine
what dress they shall wear and what they will be
when they grow up. The limerick makes no
distinction between the lusty problem children
among words, those interesting but so trying brats
who sleep on the doorstep of lexicography, and the
verbal Little Lord Fauntleroys who go to nice
parties, carry delicate meanings from doctors to
rich old ladies, assist lovers through the shy
period, and so on, thereafter resuming their polite
place in Webster's marble halls. To the limerick-
writer a word is a word and the one that states
the case or draws the picture best gets the job. The
unbathed and laconic few unblessed by Webster
were probably left out because every one knows
them anyway and let him who doth not, cast the
first stone and turn to page 1.
^^^^^^mmm
A lethargic old fellow named Scott
Enticed a young girl to his yacht;
Being too tired to rafie her
He made darts out of fiafier,
Which he listlessly tossed at her twat.
s<
*OME scholars prefer the use of the
word "languidly" to "listlessly" in the
last line. That is for the raconteur
himself (or the raconteuse herself) to
decide___To our editorial ear, however,
"listlessly" better conveys the utter
sadness and despair of senility. It gives
Scott a certain tragic stature yet
sporting withal. ... for he is out, but
not down. On the other hand (known
to scholars as the dexter paw) the word
"languidly" implies mere boredom,
which the circumstances do not warrant.
1
An unfortunate fellow from Butte
Had warts all over his toot;
He 6ut acid on these
And now when he fees
He handles it just like a flute.
w,
HILE ones sympathy may well
go out to this unhappy individual, one
may also reflect that he is forever freed
from the temptation to handle the
instrument like a trombone.
2
An old spinster of Manitowoc
Caused almost no end of lewd talk«
By posting in schoolrooms,
In barrooms, in poolrooms
A piteous j>1ea for some cock.
a
^NE of the most poignant last lines
in all limerick lore. . . . The context oi
the old spinster's plea is unhappily lost,
since she stipulated that copies of the
handbill doubtless a deeply moving
appeal be presented at her door as a
sort of coupon. The print order was for
only 200 and was quickly exhausted. No
second printing has as yet appeared a
tribute in itself to an alert and public-
spirited citizenry.
3
A colonel of Zouaves from Ft. Bliss
Did arise and go for to ftiss;
But the work of a stricture
Took £ee from the picture,
And his ass gave a Jowf mournful hiss.
OYMPATHETIC reaction between
organs of the body is not uncommon
indeed, it seems at times to border on
pu*e sentiment. ... As one eye goesn so
goes the other, in time. . . . ears likewise
remarkable considering the void that
separates them. . . . nor can man ache in
one testicle alone. . . . These phenomena
----invariably irksome to the hapless
concessionaire of the organs seem to
prove that man is little but a walking
nest of rebels surrounded by impotent
skin. . . . This is the first recorded
instance, however, of the rectum vocally
espousing the cause of its gay running
mate.
4
A young girl when far out at sea
Sard MLy God, how it hurts me to $ee!
Aha! cried the mate
That accounts for the state
Of the captain, the purser, and me!
A
CASE of this sort must be reviewed
minutely, if only to give defensive
pointers to other pretty young girls who
may find themselves in a similar
predicament, and in a fair way to be
thrown overboard. . . . Note that the
young girl became afflicted with urinary
pains "when far out at sea.". . . . How
far? Four days, perhaps five?. . . . Quite
enough to indicate some foul Lothario
on board, some oozy first-nighter. . . .
Seafaring men, when interviewed, agreed
that to raise any issue of guilt was
absurd. . . . that the voyage should be
continued on the same pleasant basis
that it began. "What's a few more
gonococcuses ?" scoffed one. "Makes
you feel like a million bugs," concurred
another. ... A ship's cook suggested
rationing.
5
There was a young girl of Machyas
Whose drawers were cut on the bias;
Behind was a Joofi
Through which she could j>oof>
And possibly fee, once or twyas.
A HE somewhat contrived quality of
this stanza stamps it clearly of New
England provenience, probably about
the time of the first Battle of Bull Run.
It is true that there was an undergarment
hurriedly placed on the market after
this battle and named Bull Run Drawers.
These were tight-fitting and highly
shrinkable, hence admitted of little
inaccuracy or diffusion.
8
A lewd ornithologist, Lavery,
Indulged in the worst forms of knavery;
With yowls and howls
He deflowered young owls
In the bowels of an underground aviary.
o.
'UR Engineering Department
informs us that there is no known owl
mine in the world, though it is not
uncommon to run across a rich vein of
bats. Even granting the existence of the
man Lavery*s rare strike, we hold that
his behavior was not that of the true
ornithologist, for in this case he has
clearly invaded the field of taxidermy.
9
A frugal old fellow named Dave
Once screwed a dead whore in a cave;
He said / admit
I'm a bit of a shit,
But think of the money I save!
Hi
.ERE is a rather ghoulish example
of false economy. The saving of a few
miserable dollars, or less, did not justify
the fearful risk taken by Dave. . .. Had
rigor mortis set in during his indulgence,
Dave might well have been in the cave,
as well as in the whore, to this day. . . .
Dead whores should be eschewed until
one can afford a reasonably live one.
10
A lady of Lesbos, in Greece,
SaidVm not so fond of a fiiece;
I prefer my pudenda
Caressed by the enda
The dainty snub nose of my niece.
D,
DEFINITELY a Greek work of the
5th Century B. C. The stately cadence
suggests Sophocles, whereas the
somewhat flippant candor is more in the
vein of Aristophanes,... Surprisingly,
it was not until the 3rd Century B. C.
(the decadent Hellenistic period) that
the long, or Roman nose came into
vogue. This was but a fad, however, as
such noses did not wear well and soon
became snub.
11
A hungry old fellow named heeds
Once swallowed a jacket of seeds;
Great bunches of grass
Came out of his ass
And his balls were covered with weeds
.LfEEDS admirers will be interested
to know that this verdant old gentleman
is the same Leeds who, as a baby,
swallowed a handful of buckshot. His
mother promptly administered a goodly
dose of castor oil. . . . Some few minutes
later baby Leeds was playing in the
barnyard and, bending over to snatch
some trinket, he fired, killing a valuable
mule.
12
A limey was telling some saj>
What it feh like, screwing a Ja£;
He said The sensation
Is like masturbation,
Only somewhat more lonely, old cha$.
1 HIS is a pre-war impression of the
geisha on which we reserve comment,
since a rather formidable group of
inquiring minds may be able, in the not
too distant future, to form a clearly
authoritative symposium on this moot
subject. . . . No longer is Puccini's vision
the sweet harmonics of mere dreams....
no longer need Mad am Butterfly scan
the far horizon in an agony of doubt. . . #
hell be there, baby.
13
A forgetful professor (not me!)
Inadvertently lost his /. T.
He entreated the whores
To ransack their drawers,
Since he wanted it back for a faee.
A
SERIOUS loss, even for a professor.
The learned man held to the theory that
the object somehow came unscrewed.
This seemed a tenable hypothesis until
it was found that an attentive maid had
merely dusted it off. Cried the greatly
relieved scholar "Eurethra!"
14
A market-wise girl of Marseille
Tattooed her $rice on her tail;
Being kind to the blind
She embossed her behind
With sensational bargains in braille.
HE first known instance of a move
toward price-stabilization in the world's
oldest profession. . . . Our doubting
Research Department reports, however,
that the "girlM had worked out an
elaborate system of weak-moment
bonuses, and that the sensational
bargains should have gone, not to the
blind, but to anybody who could see a
foot.
15
There was an old Duchess of Bavaria
Whose twat grew hairier and hairier;
So much that the Duke
When he wanted to fuke
Had to hunt down the hole with a terrier.
A
CHEERY, clarion call here for all
true lovers of the hunt! What nimrod
that cannot see in his mind's eye the
eager terrier nuzzling the fragrant
brush. . .. see the rigid, quivering point
of the true champion. . . . the Duke's
quick advance with his trusty fowling
piece. . . . and hear the glad, lusty voice
of the Duchess shouting "Tally Hole!"
16
There was also a lecherous Jew
Whose wife grew hairier too;
But unlike the Duke
When pursuing his fuke
He'd cry Piss and give me a due.
H,
.ERE we have neither good clean
sport nor tender romance. Indeed, this
is naught but a crude form of navigation.
Our Marine Assistant concurred in this
view, adding that "such methods would
be despised by all semen". Even the
office boy was aroused, intimating that
the foundering Jew had much in common
with the mating salmon.
17
An ingenious young man of Racine
Invented a fucking machine;
'Twas concave and convex
So fit either sex,
And the goddamdest thing even seen.
(colleagues have urged the use
of the alternative last line "and
remarkably easy to clean," Again we
leave that to the good taste of the
raconteur/euse. The editors prefer "And
the goddamdest thing ever seen" feeling
that about such a sublime creation
should hover an aura of the hyper- ii
not, indeed, the supernatural. It should
remain imbued with the warmth and
mystery of the tenderest flesh (which is
also remarkably easy to clean). Neither
in word nor thought should it be lowered
to the regard of a mere utensil. . . . This
beneficent machine-creature has been
aptly named by its inventor "Romiet".
18
There was a young man of Pitlochry
Who took his best girl to a rockery;
She cried out in despair
As he came in mid-air,
This ain't a fuck it's a mockery!
Tenuous though the strains of
literary influence be, the attent ear oi
the scholar cannot but respond to the
unmistakable overtones of Greek
tragedy in this deeply moving stanza. . . .
Tuning out the rather raspy vernacular
of line 5, one hears again the pure
though bitter music of Euripides* ... one
hears, not the whimper of some barmaid
mulcted of her sport, but the agonized
cry of Clytemnestra weeping for-Orestes,
who had been thrown into an Ionian jail
for speeding his chariot as this young
man should have been.
19
A wrestler was about to be thrown
In a tangle of muscle and bone;
To break from the fall
He bit off a ball
But soon learned, alas, 'twas his own.
w,
HEN we discussed this painful
contretemps with a former world's
champion grappler, we learned that the
consumption of balls is a serious problem
in professional wrestling, though self
ball-biting is as rare as it is gauche. The
former champion's solution for the
problem was both cogent and simple. . . .
Said he: "Guys oughta stick ta rasslin*
wit' da ladies den dey know who's
who,"
20
There was a young plumber named Lee
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea;
Said the girl he was plumbing
Hark, I hear some one coming
Said the plumber, still plumbing that's ME!
I HE arrival of a plumber is at all
times a notable event, and great care
must be taken not to frighten the timid
creature away, nor must he be permitted
to search about in his kit for some
missing tool. .. . This girl merits quiet
applause for handling a sensitive and
skittish type with just the right coyness,
not too much aplomb.
21
An amorous young couple named Kelly
Are now living belly to belly,
Because in their haste
They used library faste
Instead of petroleum jelly.
A,
>N interview with the marooned
Kellys having been petulantly refused,
our Research Department sought out
the manufacturer of the paste.. . . He
proved to he a friend of the couple and
brooded in deep distress over the
affair. .. "I firmly disapproved of that
marriage/' said he, "I gave it six months.
But now who knows?" Here the great
man paused a moment, then concluded
in ominous tones: "My paste is of the
highest quality."
22
There was a young lady of Sfiain
Whose face was exceedingly $ain;
But her cunt had a pucker
That made the boys fuck \
Again, and again, and AGAIN!
er
T,
HIS cheery dithyramb may hearten
all ladies of dour and craggy visage who
are beyond aid from the Ardens and
the Rubensteins. No towel over this
girl's face, one may be sure! How to
obtain the astringent, washboard effect
known as a pucker is a secret known
only to qualified hags, who may be
identified by an incongruously beatific
glow in the eyes.
23
There was a young sheik, or sheik
Who was a bit of a sneak, or a snake;
He abducted a belle
From Shepherd's hotel
And kefit her a week, or awake.
T
jL HIS charming stanza is composed
with admirable cleverness, and wisely
avoids settling any trivial question of
pronunciation----- Rather, the highly
provocative last line makes any choice
at all very difficult for the lay reader,
who will emphatically prefer both.
24
A degenerate, horrible youth
Had the sleetfnest sister, named Ruth;
While she s1e$t he would fuck *er
Then in he would tuck *er
And she never found out the truth.
A
QUIET study, somewhat in the
Faulkner manner, of rural life in the
Ozarks. . . . This incestuous youth had
either very great finesse or quite
negligible equipment, .... Cases of
unperceived intercourse known to
medical science as sleeping wellness
are very rare.
25
There was a young girl of Aberistwith
Who went to the mill, some grist with;
But the millers son Jack
Put her flat on her bach,
And they coufiled the things that they fiissed with.
Jlhis stately limerick is by the
immortal Jonathan Swift. It gracefully
relieves the well known phrase* 'He's
been through the mill" of its gloomier
connotations.
26
There was a young girl from Louth
Who came back from a trif> to the south,
Her mother said Nellie,
There's more in your belly
Than ever went in through your mouth.
Ni
ELLIE, a blithe spirit, generously
ignored the truism that the way to a
man's heart is through his stomach
not hers.
27
My sweet little lass of West Hamm
Went home on the very last tram;
The naughty conductor
Didnt charge her any fare
So now she knows what it's worth. Goddam.
A,
>N example of how a cyclone of
inflation can start from a mere breeze
in a streetcar. We view with alarm these
sweet little lassies of West Hamm, ... It
is they who will have us all pushing
money around in wheelbarrows. ... it is
they who will giggle and wink at the
approach of an old friend with a truck
of the stuff.....yes, any way you look
at it, it is they. Down with 'em! Often!
28
A ghost once a£j>eared in a crowd
Without the shred of a shroud;
A thing which is mostly
Considered unghostly
But should the spirit of mortal be firoud?
1JMPHATICALLY it should. No
spectre can expect the respect of flesh-
laden mortals if he can't hold his ether,
go&& staggering about in his hare
ectoplasm giving the hereafter a bad
name. . . . Fortunately, this loutish
wraith was hustled off by a wispy
policeman to the nearest sheet house.
29
A prodigious young fellow named Kent
Had a tool so Jong it was bent;
To save himself trouble
He fiut it in double,
And instead of coming he went.
w,
E do not like the man Rentes
attitude, . . Here is a prodigious young
fellow who is not only bent, but equally
bent on saving himself trouble. This is
sheer laissez faire and takes a good deal
lor granted. His operation is obviously
uncatholic. Further, there is a clear
violation of the parable of the Ten
Talents. Easy come, easy go.. . . Briefly,
we find the fellow a complacent cad.
Never so much as darken the door of
our cow barn, Kent.
30
An insatiable lady of Twickenham
Liked men, but just for the j>rick in 'em;
She was perfectly callous
In graying to Phallus
To lengthen, and strengthen, and thicken 'em
G
'HILDREN sometimes wisK that
the world were made of ice cream and
cake, but when it comes to praying, the
canny little realists stick to what's in
the store. . . . Twickenham had better
do the same. It is doubtful that any
god least of all a capricious one like
Phallus will take kindly to a program
for improving his own handiwork.
31
A young man who was feeling forlorn
Once wished that he'd never been born;
He wouldn't have been
If his daddy had seen
That the end of the rubber was torn.
T.
HE young man is fully entitled to
his melancholic tendencies. . . , indeed,
his case opens up an entirely new field
of study: pre-conceptional influence.
We therefore pose this question: what
effect, other than utter humiliation,
could be expected on the psyche of a
proud and eager young sperm, forced to
creep like a thief in the night through
a pitch-black hole in an odorous old
rubber?____Eh?
32
A certain young man of high station,
Was found by a wealthy relation
Engaged in a ditch
With / wont say a bitch
But a person of no education.
Illiterate intercourse has long
been a baffling and nettlesome? problem
to educators. . . Grammarians, especially,
shudder to think of the split infinitives
and dangling participles employed by
the ignorant young in their tender
discourse. . . . Said a prominent Yale
philologist: "Any Harvard man would
have turned from the girl in erudite
disgust/' A famous chemist took a more
liberal view, holding that a knowledge
of how to make H2-0 was quite sufficient
if done in time.
33
This is the story of hard-luck Jock
Who entered the world with a corkscrew cock:
His whole life long was an ardent hunt
For a miraculous girl with a corkscrew cunt.
He found her and wooed her and droned down
dead
For alas! Her cunt had a left-hand thread.
T
X HE sad fate of a man who did not
know the shape of things to come.
34
A gambling old nudist named Beezers
Urged a groufi of naked old geezers
To a game of strifi fioker
Said he 'Tis no joker,
In my camfi we $ay it with tweezers.
JL O have a good hand raised an entire
armpit would indeed give pause.
35
There was a young girl of Detroit
Whose fucking was very adroit;
She could dose her vagina
To a pinpoint or finer,
Or often it u$, like a quoit.
o.
UR Research Department completed
an exhaustive check-up on this justly
famous young lady and but recently
returned* haggard with confirmation.
36
She met a young man from the Strand
Whose tool was cunningly planned;
He could bugger a midge
Or the arch of a bridge
So between them the screwing was grand.
JL REAKS, monsters, prodigies and
other caprices with which Mother
Nature stifles her yawns are most
fortunate to make such an idyllic
match. . . . The lay reader is advised to
go straight home from the office, not
to browse o night among the giants.
37
An animal hunter named Lee
Bedded down with a fair chimpanzee
The result was most horrid
All ass and no forehead,
Three balls and a $ur$e goatee.
T,
HIS little jungle contretemps raises
a pretty problem of biological status,
not to mention the question of actual
citizenship, . . . Who and what is young
Lee? Sole legal heir to the vast Lee
holdings, will he administer them
wisely? Will he pursue the girls- or
gorillas, books or branches?. . . . The
purple-chinned lad has been christened,
hence i$so facto must have a soul and
other human perquisites. . . . He was
christened, by the way, in honor of an
old Chinese friend of the familyWell
Hung Lee.
38
The wife of a fellow na?ned Perkin
Caught him furtively jerkin' his gherkin;
She screamed You're a laggard,
Small wonder you're haggard
Come Perkin, you're shirkin your furkin.
A<
.CCORDING to the results of a
nation-wide poll (conducted by tactful
but hardy experts) cases ol adult
delinquency such as this are far from
rare. . . . One candid husband took a
romantic and perhaps representative
view oi the problem. He averred that
every towel is potentially a former
sweetheart, whose hand one may never
even have dared touch in the lost, shy
opportunities of youth. . . . but whose
memory is consummated at will until
ones adolescence becames a veritable
swathe of rapine. . . . However, such a
watchful wife as Mrs. Perkin may take
sweet revenge by packing her rivals off
to the laundry for a good mangling.
39
/ cant guess mused a young girl of Grimby
What possible use can my quint be;
The hole in the middle
I know is to fiddle
But what can the hair on the rim be?
i
N this case we are unable to assist
either the Grimby girl or the readier,
since our scholarship does not encompass
any knowledge of the word "quim". . . .
We are informed, however, that hair of
fine quality is often used for polishing
old gentlemen's spectacles.
40
A cheerful young lady was Maude
She chuckled and chortled when flawed;
With each flretty wiggle
She emitted a giggle,
And then when she came she guffawed.
M,
.AUDE should have her risibilities
examined; it is obvious that she is far
too easily entertained. The gay old
proverb "Laugh and grow fat" will have
much truth but few joys for Maude.
41
A jittery German named Stensch
Failed to service an ardent young wench;
So just out of meanness
He choked off his £enis
And shouted in triumph "Revenchf"
A,
^MOTHER clear-cut German
victory; a dangerous salient reduced.
42
Th ere was a Mahatma named Gandhi
Who one morning awoke with a dandy;
He yelled for the maid
To bring him Miss S1ade$
Or the goat, or anything handy.
A,
lN imaginative maid would have
brought the British Viceroy, thus giving
her good master a long-sought chance.
43
An eccentric student at Kings
Said Vm finished with fucking and things;
My only desire
Is a boy in the choir
With a bottom like jelly on springs.
Ihere is, ot course, the known
fraternity who will not consider the
Kings student eccentric in the least, and
would rate such a choir boy as definitely
a collectors item. . . . When found at
long last, however, the lad is said to
have rebuffed the student with some
heat, screaming in a shrill and pious
voice "Get thee behind me, Satan P
44
The Marquise has the butler to thank,
When at dinner she farted and stank;
For true to * his trust
He also let bust
As did the guests, in order of rank.
A
FINE example of social teamwork
amongst the aristocracy and, to the
astute sociologist, a notable clue to its
very surviv al. ... I n m ass
company where any sort of esprit de
cor^s is totally lacking the unhappy
Marquise would have been left stranded
and abashed. The middle class will
break bread with any one, but not
wind hence its insecure position in
the world today.
45
A nimble young fellow named Mose
Liked to 'play with himself with his toes;
He did it so neat
He fell in love with his feet,
And named them Ethel and Rose.
Jealousy is to be feared in a menage
a trois of this sort. . . . Sooner or later
Mose will be accused of ogling other
feet. . . . Ethel will start biting her
nails.... Rose will grow a bunion and
both will ultimately rebel at being
forever followed by a couple of heels. . .
Mose had better keep both feet on the
ground.
4fc
A business-like girl of Kilkenny
Would screw like a mink for a fienny;
For half of that sum
You could go ufi her bum,
Which proved a great saving for many.
o,
^UR Research Department paid a
visit to this vivacious votary of mass
production and low price, only to find
Kilkenny's most cherished plant closed
down, waiting for spare parts. "It was
sabotage," said the shapely factory, "a
big Swede got in the assembly line."
47
T,
A young girl who wished to go wild
Had long kefit herself undefiled,
By thinking of Jesus
And frightful diseases
And the dangers of having a child.
HIS mentally wayward lass needs
a sort of triple-threat man. He must (1)
be an evangelist (2) possess a medical
certificate of even date (3) have a
rubber priority. Such a man, approaching
on foot across a large body of water,
might save her from a nasty neurosis,
if she seemed worth the trouble.
48
There was a young lady named Deever
Whose bath was about to receive her;
She had striked to the skin
And was just sieving in,
When a voice through the keyhole yelled
BEAVER!
T
JL HE contestants diligenceor good
luck is quite wasted. We quote from
the official Beaver Rule Book (OHares,
London, 1912) Section 2, Article 6-----
"Pubic hair shall be deemed out of
bounds and any count disallowed;
furthermore, the observer shall be
penalized such stroke and distance as
he may succeed in gaining as a result
of his find/'
49
There was an old fellow named Ossil
Who found hn unusual fossil,
He could tell by the bend
And the wart on the end
'Twas the fienis of Paul the Afiostle.
T
JL HIS extraordinary find (made in
1511 whilst Ossil was digging for a
notorious Pompeian night club) was
the true cause of the schism between
the Church of England and Rome, and
the subsequent excommunication of
Henry VIII. . . . Pope Leo V issued a
papal bull decreeing the fossil a profane
object and ordered it burned. The profane
object proved its holiness or its
incombustibility by refusing to burn.
With fanatical courage Ossil snatched
it from the embers and fled to England,
piously making no earthly use of the
sacred relic during his journey. Robust
King Henry knighted Ossil and canonized
the fossil. Henry bluntly declared that,
as far as he was concerned, phallic
worship was as good as any.
50
§^n
Mm
I'M*-
A stingy old rake of Boroda
Would not pay a whore what he owed *er;
So with great savoir faire
She hopped on a chair
And pissed in his whiskey and soda.
Wi
E doubt that the author of this
limerick has told his story fully. Let us
examine the evidence. . . . First, it is
reasonable to presume that the highball
was placed on a table. Second, that
table, chair and lady were of average
height. Now, a lady standing on a chair
must needs tower considerably over a
highball on a table. . . we therefore hold
that she could not have hit the highball,
the whole highball, and nothing but the
highball... H owever, the quality of
whiskey being what it is today, the
playful incident may well have passed
unheeded.
51
There was a young girl of Madras
Who had a remarkable ass;
Not round and fiink
As you'd normally think
But gray, with long ears, and ate grass.
I HIS disappointing limerick shows
how far an unscrupulous writer will go
merely to complete tke form. . . . After
gaining the reader's attention in line 2
with an arresting choice of subject, it
becomes clear in line 3 that he is in
difficulties and has nothing new to say
about it. By now the alert reader is
sharply alarmed. The very specious
concession to his intelligence in line 4
is of a distinct odor, and in line 5 comes
the sickening fiasco, revealing the
author as a mere dilettante, devoid of
any true assthetic sense
52
There was a young man of Calcutta
Who did a most marvelous trick;
He covered his asshole with butter
And then he inserted his firick.
He did not do it for pleasure,
Nor did he do it for fielf;
He did it just to oblige a friend
Who said Go fuck yourself.
Ax first blush there seems to be a
touching moral lurking in these crystal*
clear quatrains, a notable example of
christian meekness and willingness to
please__However, our uncompromising
Psychiatric Department holds that (1)
the ostensibly meek young man was
really no more meek than you and we,
but merely testing a new toy. (2) That
he was hoarding butter. . . . We hold,
albeit naively, that he was christian in
motive though grossly unpresbyterian
in deed.
53
The amorous urge of the camel
Is stronger than any one thinks;
After years alone in the desert,
He decided to tackle the Sphinx.
But that lady's intimate organs
Lie dee£ in the sands of the Kile
Which accounts for the gloom of the camel\
And the Sphinxes inscrutable smile.
JL-iET there be no complacence and
pointing with pride on the part of
sanctimonious Egyptologists in re. this
virtuous couj6 of their confounded Sphinx.
Impeccably dressed though she may
have been in her best dune, the facts
remain (1) the camel is an indefatigable
digger, and (2) he unquestionably got
his hump somewhere.
54
Recent exhaustive researches
By Darwin and Huxley and Ball
Have proved beyond doubt that the hedgehog
Cannot be buggered at all.
further conclusive researches
Have mcontrovertibly shown
That comparative safety at Harvard
Is enjoyed by the hedgehog alone.
Ihe wary and skeptical quadruped
is to be found, however, rather nowhere
in the Cantabridgian neighborhood. . . .
reasoning, perhaps, that comparative
safety at Harvard is absolute security
anywhere else.
55
A monstrous young man of Nantucket
Had a cock so Jong he could suck it;
He said You know what?
If my ear was a twat
And I had two bucks / could fuck it.
Jl RIENDS urged this gangling youth to
renounce playing by ear, and to betake
himself either to Hollywood, where he
would be appreciated, or to Texas, where
he would hardly be noticed.
56
i
A mad undergrad of St. Joh ns
Rushed out to bugger the swans;
He was stored by the porter
Who said Take my daughter;
These birds are reserved for the dons.
Ornithologists assure us that
tke swan is a chaste and unapproachable
bird, more than a match for a dozen
dons, and under any circumstances quite
as safe as Harvard's fabled hedgehog.
.... The reader will remember that the
only music attributed to the swan is a
song of farewell, or, to a don, toodle-oo.
57
There was a young man of Dundee
Who thought what a change it would be,
To wind u$ the clock
With the end of his cock,
And screw his wife with the key.
A
COURAGEOUS and by no means
unimaginative revolt from the strictly
utilitarian, or functional, viewpoint. This
young man faced with a gay whimsy one
of the great tragedies of human life: that
all things grow dull. . . . His solution for
the problem was probably no great
comfort to himself or his wife, but the
principle of action is admirable and
the key, being of bronze, doubtless
emerged with a fine patina.
58
A fiious yung maiden of Chichester
Made the sculptured saints in their niches stir;
The mold of her form
When the weather was warm
Made the Bishop of Chichester s britches stir.
i
T must be noted, explains a skilled
ecclesiastical logician, that the saints
stirred in toto, whereas the Bishop
stirred only in part. The stirring of the
saints was one oi holy revulsion which
the bishop could not quite manage in its
entirety. . , . There is no truth, said the
worthy apologist, in the rumor that the
Bishop would be requested to wear his
trousers, like his collar, buttoned behind.
59
The young girls at Fortune and Beasley
All fornicate readily and easily;
In this pleasant way
They augment their £ay,
Which at Fortune and Beasley, is measly.
T.
HIS somewhat statistical item does
much to explain w hy lab or union
organizers have gotten exactly nowhere
at Fortune at Beasley's. ... A pretty
little miss, when queried on this point,
waxed rosily indignant. Said she : "Some
barstid of a lybor-pusher tell us when,
who with and how much? Pah!" ....
F and B's is an open shop in the best
sense.
60
The merry old Bey of Algiers
Proclaimed to his harem My dears,
You may think it odd o* me,
But I'm bored with this sodomy
Well have fucking tonight. Loud cheers!
JLrfOUD cheers, yes, but only from the
gullible. Gloomy Gertrude's comment
on this back-to-normalcy movement was
bitter and succinct. . . . Said she: "Oh
yeah? Well, if you ask me, who knows,
the old Bey bare he ain't what he used
to be." The other girls held with Mark
Twain that it s remarkable what you
can find out by ascertaining.
61
Some whores who lived down the block
Had no bread whatever in stock;
No bread? cried the madam
Some misers have had *em;
No bread! Then let *em eat cock!
A HUS precipitating the second French
Revolution.
62
A shapely young girl, Henrietta,
Liked to wear a very tight sweater,;
Three reasons she had
To heefi warm wasnt bad,
But the other two reasons were better.
JL RETTY colors and a cute stitch,"
tittered Henrietta.
63
There was a young man of Madras
Whose balls were of musical glass;
When they tinkled together
They flayed Stormy Weather
And fiink sharks flew out of his ass.
o,
UR indefatigable Research
Department interviewed our entire list
of young and ardent music-lovers, found
mot one young lady among them who
liked music as much as all that." The
eccentric young student of Kings
expressed interest in the music but
showed some uneasiness about the
sparks.
64
A slumbering lady named Skinner
Once dreamt that her lover was in *er;
She awoke with a start
Thus caused a great fart,
Which was followed by luncheon and dinner.
I
T is uncomfortably well known that
the sharp, unpremeditated wind-break
possesses a presuasive, pied-piperish
quality which easily wins an enthusiastic
following. Discipline, gentle but firm,
is essential from the first stealthy
alarm until the all clear is sounded, or,
if not sounded, made known in its own
pervasive way, so that no breach^ of
confidence need be feared.
A young Greek with a minuscule £enis
Prayed heljt of his gods, also Venus
Tried hand exercises
Had it blown most to bJizes
But it never got cured of its weeness*
A
PITIFUL reward indeed, after
praying long and hard to the gods.
66
There was a young man of Trizes
Who was born with balls of two sizes;
One ball was small
Almost no ball at all
But the other was large, and took prizes.
Thus a oth a great virtue overcome
a small fault.
Aesofi.
67
An athletic young man of Superior
Screwed girls into gales of hysteria;
But when he withdrew it
He asked them to chew it
Which made them feel low, and inferior
T,
ECHNICAL critics voted this
request ill-timed. . . A somewhat broader
view of the matter was taken by a well-
known psychiatrist, whom we may
quote: "Insistence by the male may have
a beneficially humbling effect on the
spoiled or willful female; in the case of
the shy introvert, it is dangerous, as this
type is prone to panic, thus causing a
severe clenching of the teeth."......
and writing finis.
68
OTHER WORKS
by
THE SAME AUTHORS
The Apocrypha
The Aeneid
Canterbury Tales
The Saga of Saxo-Grammaticus
Chronicles (Holinshed)
The Faery Queen
Hamlet
Gulliver's Travels
An Anatomy of Melancholy
Childe Harold's Pilgrimage
Little Women
The Ballad of Reading Gaol
The Jungle Book
Huckleberry Finn
South Wind
Cabbages and Kings
Turnabout
Rain
69