Toasts and Anecdotes (1923)

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TOASTS
AND ANECDOTES
IT
TOASTS
AND ANECDOTES
BY
PAUL W. KEARNEY
NEW YORK
EDWARD J. CLODE
COPYRIGHT, 1923, BY
EDWARD J . CLODE
All right* rettroed
niHTBD IK THK UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
THIS AMBITIOUS LITTLE BOOK,
especially those parts of it inscribed to Love,
Romance and Friendship, is dedicated to
MY AMBITIOUS LITTLE WIFE,
tdii                                CONTENTS
Part Two
PACE
Verse and Prose Quotations from Famods
Authors for Use on Appropriatb Occasions 133
Part Three
Pboyerbs .... ,., . . . . .; . 166
Section III
Historical Anecdotes . . . . . . . . 197
 
INTRODUCTION
It is difficult to put one's finger on the coun-
try of origin of the custom called "toasting."
The early Romans, the Saxons and the Greeks
all followed the practice, and some authorities
contend that the Saxons were its founders.
Be that as it may, toasts were common in all
three countries many centuries ago when not
a few strange practices were identified with
their observance. An old Saxon toast, to cite
one example, was commonly given by a de-
voted lover who would draw the keen edge of
his poniard across his forehead, let the blood
drip into the wine cup, and throw down the
mixture to the health of the maiden who stood
highest in his esteem.
Toasts were very much of a formality in
Rome, as is evidenced by the fact that the
Roman Senate issued a decree that diners must
drink to the health of Augustus at each gather-
ing. Toasts to women were always popular
ix
X
INTRODUCTION
with the early Greeks, but one of their standard
sentiments was a toast consisting of three cups,
one to Mercury, one to the Graces and the
third to Jupiter.
In old England toasting became very cere-
monial. At churchwardens' dinners in West-
minster a toast was always drunk from a large
two- or three-quart cup, filled with a liquor
made from an ancient recipe. The cup was
passed from hand to hand, two attendants
holding the large cover over the head of each
individual as he drank. In Oxford it was con-
sidered quite the thing to get hold of some
famous beauty's slipper and ladle out the wine
for toasts with that.
The history of "toasting" has its sordid side
as well as its jolly phase. Folks went into the
practice so heartily that it promoted untold
drunkenness and provoked many royal decrees
that attempted to either modulate the excesses
or abolish the custom entirely. Even Louis
XIV finally forbade the offering of toasts at
court. Somewhere around the 17th century in
England the Danish custom of drinking toasts
to everybody present and all of one's absent
INTRODUCTION                         xi
friends as well soon proved a popular diver-
sion, much to the delight of the "liquor in-
terests."
Under the code of that system, if thirty-
eight guests were at the table, each one drank
thirty-eight toasts to each other's health—and
then as many more as the strongest of them
could propose! The consequences are easily
imagined! Naturally, considerable well-de-
served criticism was aimed at the advocates of
this practice. Public feeling rose to consid-
erable indignation when the King of Denmark
visited his sister, consort of James I, and at
the dinner tendered him, "the ladies of the
court," as the report runs, "got beastly drunk
in his honor!"
Toasting, nevertheless, has survived these
excesses, chiefly because toasts are the gems of
wit and sentiment that glisten in the crown of
social festivities. The toast is not only a fit-
ting symbol of good fellowship and cheer but
it is also a graceful medium through which
good feelings and noble sentiments can be con-
veyed from one to another.
Drinking songs offered one distinct form of
expression. The song expressed many feel-
xii
INTRODUCTION
ings and many sentiments—often they were
combination songs and toasts, like the famous,
blood-curdling "cholera hymn" of the British
troops in India:
"Here's a glass to the dead alreadj—
Hurrah for the next that dies!"
But where the song was primarily used in
chorus for the relief of what we might call
"mass feelings"—loud, rollicking or melo-
dious, as the case might be—the toast was more
personal, more direct and more polished. It
covered a specific emotion or a specified indi-
vidual to whom respects were being paid. It
was often original with the speaker and it gave
a greater range of possibilities to the clever
and the witty as a consequence.
Drinking songs in this country have never
been as universally popular as they have been
abroad, but the toast has always thrived under
the nourishment of our natural wit.
Customs change, to be sure. We never
resort to the Saxon poniard or to the Roman
constitutional toast. The practice of serving
tiny pieces of toast with the wine (from which
it is to be assumed the term grew) has dis-
INTRODUCTION
xiii
"^
appeared. And now even the wine, to all
intents and purposes, has been discarded.
The Toast, nevertheless, remains with us
—and doubtless will until they discard the
"toasters!"
P. W. K.
THE CROSS-INDEX SYSTEM
A word about the reason for numbering
each individual toast and sentiment: every-
thing in Section I is numbered from 1000 to
1999; the material in Section II bears the num-
bers running from 2000 up; and all the Anec-
dotes in Section III are numbered 3000 and up.
Consequently, when you find at the end of a
toast in Section I a string of reference num-
bers you will know that those numbers repre-
sent other sentiments related to the one cov-
ered in the toast just read. And by the fact
that it is 1000; 2000 or 3000 you can determine
which section it is in.
To further simplify the business of hunting
for related thoughts, the number of the first
and last toast on each page is printed on the
upper outside corner of each individual page.
So instead of looking for the page number, you
merely run through the pages for the senti-
ment number. The page folio has been printed
at the bottom of the page to avoid confusion.
XV
xTi              THE CROSS-INDEX SYSTEM
We hope this attempt at systematization, so
sorely needed in books of this type, will assist
the reader in finding the material he wants with
the least possible expenditure of time and
patience.
THIS BOOK
is divided into three main sections. The first
section consists of 251 original toasts—toasts
which, to our knowledge, have never before
been given at any public or private function
up to the time this book was published. They
were composed exclusively for this volume
and, as far as newness is concerned, rank sec-
ond only to the fresh sentiment coined by the
individual speaker himself for whatever occa-
sion confronts him.
The second section is divided into three
parts. Part I includes 252 "old favorites
—toasts that have come down through the past
generations by virtue of their merit. Part II
is made up of 150 quotations from the prose
and poetry of renowned writers and Part III
consists of 230 old proverbs. These two sec-
tions have been incorporated in this work be-
cause there are innumerable times in the expe-
rience of a speaker or toastmaster when the
pat quotation or the pertinent adage fills a
need that cannot be met half as easily in our
xvii
>»
xviii
THIS BOOK
own words. As we explain on another page,
it is not our intention to offer this book as a
standard volume of quotations—these two
divisions are limited in scope, necessarily. But
they endeavor to offer a few choice sentiments
on common subjects more as a convenience
than as a guide.
Finally, Section III is devoted entirely to
167 historic anecdotes about famous charac-
ters. This department will also be found very
valuable to the speaker who is seeking for that
"dramatic nail on which to hang his story."
There is no better expedient to be found, in
making a desired point in either speaking or
writing, than the anecdote. It is by drama-
tizing our facts that we impress them upon the
minds by which they are received.
Due acknowledgement is made to the in-
numerable sources of this "borrowed" material
and to publications like Beauty, St. Nicholas,
the International Interpreter, Tobacco, Toilet
Requisites, the Kings County Observer, the
Gift and Art Shop, and to the American
Telephone Company's broadcasting station,
W E A F, through which media a portion of
these anecdotes have been previously pre-
sented in different forms by the editor of this
volume.
SECTION I
FRIENDSHIP TOASTS
TOASTS
AND ANECDOTES
FRIENDSHIP TOASTS
(iooo) Here's a toast from your good friend
to my best friend.
t
*     * *
(1001)    A good dog, a good book, a good wife,
perhaps. But in all events, may your life be
long and your pipe sweet.
*     * #
(1002)     May all the good health and wealth
and happiness I wish for myself and mine be
showered on you and yours.
*     * #
(1003)    My friend, I greet you. And may
I never cease to greet you as "my friend."
*     * *
(loo*) Long life and happiness—for your
long life will be my happiness I
3
4               TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
(1005)    To my friend. If we ever disagree,
may you be in the right.
*     * #
(1006)    May your tobacco never run out, your
library never turn musty, your cellar never
go dry and your friends never turn foes.
*     * #
(1007)     To our best friends, who know the
worst about us but refuse to believe it.
*     * *
(1008)     Our friends: may Fortune be as gen-
erous with them as she has been with us in
giving us such friends.
*     * #
(1009)     To the lamp of true friendship. May
it burn brightest in our darkest hours and
never flicker in the winds of trial.
*     * *
(ioio) Our friends—may they never have to
rely on their patience to remain our friends.
*     * *
(ion) To Good Fellowship—may it never
want a good meal and good company.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES              5
(1012)    To our Friends: planets in this great
constellation of acquaintances.
See also Nos. 2045 to 2087; 2220, 2223, 2225, 2239,
2251.
Proverb No. 2451, 2455, 2456, 2457, 2513, 2534,
2551, 2553, 2601.
Quotation No. 2258, 2319, 2320, 2331, 2332, 2338
to 2361.
* * *
■
WEDDING TOASTS
(1013)    To Dan Cupid, Governor of the hap-
piest of States, the State of Matrimony.
(1014)    May our parents-in-law steer clear of
the law.
(ioi5) May your wedding-days be few and
your anniversaries many.
(1016) To your health. You will find that
two cannot live as cheaply as one. But, then,
it is well worth the difference!
6                TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
(1017)     Here's to your happy launching of the
Court Ship on the sea of Matrimony. May
the "rocks" be confined to the cradle!
T& ¥f: ?£
(1018)     A toast to these cooing doves—may
they never become pecking hens.
*     # *
(1019)     To the newliweds: may the newness
wear off everything but their happiness.
*     * *
(1020)     Here's a health to the new man and
wife. May the sweet zephyrs of Love propel
your little skiff through the great ocean of
Matrimony and if you ever do run into a
storm, let it be a gale of Prosperity or a cy-
clone of Luck.
*     # *
(1021)    To the blushing bride and the nervous
groom—after a period of glorious courtship
they are on the verge of discovering the truth
of the old Japanese proverb: "Better the
dumpling than the apple blossom!"
*     * *
(1022)     The newliweds: may your courtship
be endless and your honeymoon last twice as
long!
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES              7
(1028) To the newliweds: triple-plated sil-
ver; twin beds and singular happiness.
*     * #
(1024)    The newliweds—may they strike no
detours on the highway of life.
(1025)    To the Wedding Bells. May their
tongues refrain from setting the other belles
a bad example.
*     * **
(1026)* A toast to the Clergyman who tied
the knot. More power to his arm and more
skill to his knots so that those who try to untie
them will break all their finger nails.
See also Nos. 1035 to 1055 and 2000 to 2044 and Nos.
2088 to 2125.
Quotations Nos. 2310 to 2318. Proverbs No. 2438,
2444, 2454, 2461, 2482, 2498, 2521, 2617.
*     * *
ANNIVERSARY TOASTS
(1027) May your Anniversaries continue until
only the recording angel can recall when the
first one was celebrated.
8              TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
(1028)    A toast on your Anniversary; and a
toast now for every other anniversary until
the Golden dream of your Fiftieth has been
realized.
*     * *
(1029)     To your coming anniversaries—may
they be outnumbered only by your coming
pleasures.
x                                  * # *
(1030)    Anniversaries may come and anniver-
saries may go—but your happiness will go on
forever.
(1031)     Fond recollections of happiness; fer-
vent reiterations of love; fulsome renewal of
youth—may these be numbered among your
anniversary presents.
(1032)    May your fondest hopes be crystal-
lized long before your Crystal Anniversary.
*     * *
(1033)     To your health on this day. May
you reach the happiness of your 50th celebra-
tion before the silver threads begin to mingle
with the golden.
*     * #
(1034)     To Mr. and Mrs.------on their------
Anniversary. If they are half as proud of
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES            . 9
their achievement as we are of them, their
pride nearly equals their other virtues.
*    * *
TO THE GROOM
(1035)     Some men are born lucky; others
have luck thrust upon them. And then there's
this fellow! A toast, gentlemen, to his ex-
treme good fortune.
(1036)    A toast to the Groom—and discretion
to his bachelor friends.
(1037)    To the health, wealth and happiness
of the Groom. He is leaving us for a better
life. But we are not leaving him!
*    * *
(1038)    To the Groom: Happiness, pros-
perity and a sound-sleeping wife.
*    # *
(1039)    a toast to the Groom: May he be
gifted with the power to remember to forget
"the names of his former girls!
10            TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
(1040)     To the Groom: Such a wife not only
multiplies his pleasures and his fortune, but
also his friends.
(1041)   A health to the Groom: He is playing
the role of a model husband with perfection.
May the show never lack a leading lady
* * #
(1042)    A hearty toast to that nervous, fidgety,
restless, impatient, uncomfortable but enviable
fellow, the Groom!
(1043)     To the Groom—Fate was not blind
when she dished out the Brides.
3fr         V         V
(1044)    To the Groom: May the rest of us
fare as well.
?       *        *
TO THE BRIDE
(1045)     Here's to the Bride: May her new
name wear like an old shoe.
(1046)     To the Bride: May her husband never
go broke.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES              11
(1047)    A health to the Bride: May her tears
be as distant as her rivals.
*     * *
(1048)     God bless the Bride. She picked the
best man o' the lot of us!
*     * #
(1049)    To the blushing Bride we pledge fifty
years of cheer. At the Golden Anniversary
we can renew the pledge.
*     * *
(1050)    A bachelor's toast to an adorable
Bride. May her smile light us on the hunt
for a second choice.
*     * *
(1051)    To the Bride: May she share every-
thing with husband, including the dish-wash-
ing.
*     * *
(1052)     Our Bride: May she have warm feet
on cold nights and a cool head always.
(1053)    To the Bride. Let her remember
that we give her this husband on approval.
He can be returned for credit or for exchange,
but her love will not be refunded.
12              TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
(1054)    To the Bride. May she live as many-
years as she has admirers—and keep the ad-
mirers through all the years.
(1055)    The Bride's health. The wonder of
it is she resisted so long for, as they say in
England, "she who is born beautiful is born
married."
For other related sentiments see index under Wed-
ding Toasts.
BIRTHDAY TOASTS
(1056)     To your health! If our birthdays
treated us half as kindly, we'd celebrate
them, too.
*      * *
(1057)    Here's to you. No matter how old
you are, you don't look it.
*      * *
(1058)    A toast, on your birthday, from Im-
maturity to Experience; from Youth to Age;
from Expectation to Accomplishment.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES            13
(1059)    From an old man (or woman) to a
young man (or woman). You do honor to
your opportunity and reflect credit to your
years.
J                            * * *
(1060)    I pledge your health. You make
Age jealous, Time furious—and all of us
envious.
* * #
(1061)    A health, and many of them. Birth-
days were never like this when I had 'em!
(1062)    May you live to be a hundred—and
decide the rest for yourself.
*     * *
(1063)    Here's to your health. May the days
of your birth never be measured by the span
of your girth!
*     * *
(1064)    It is seldom we see you have a birth-
day and seldom we see one who can handle
them better.
*     * *
(1065)    May your hours of reminiscence be
filled with days of good cheer and weeks of
pleasant memories.
14               TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
See No. 8001. Quotations Nos. 2253 to 2257; 2898
to 2401. Proverb Nos. 2442, 2469.
Toasts Nos. 2177, 2203, 2206, 2214, 2C26, 2248.
*     • *
GRADUATION TOASTS
(1066)     To the Graduate: May he live long
enough to learn that he has learned how to
live.
*     * •
(1067)    To the Sweet Girl Graduate: May
she become even more beautiful by degrees.
*     # *
(1068)     To the Graduate—let us pledge his
health with the hope that he will always re-
main in a Class by himself.
*     * *
(1069)    A health to the Graduate. May his
(or her) diploma make a tent large enough to
cover all of his cares.
» * *
(1070)    To the Graduating Class. The World
is waiting for you; when you get started, see
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES             15
* it that you always have to wait for the
World.
Proverbs Nos. 2417, 2*19, 2423, 2427, 2450, 2462,
2469, 2486, 2492, 2496, 2519, 2597.
Quotations Nos. 2262 to 2265; 2283 to 2290; 2369
TO MOTHER
(1071)    A toast to Mother who knows us so
well yet loves us!
*    # *
(1072)    To my Mother. If I weren't her son
I would want to be her husband.
*    * #
(1073)    Here's to the best little Mother ever.
Even with our help, Dad couldn't have shown
better taste.
*    * *
(1074)    Broken-hearted, we run to Mother.
In pain or in trouble, we run to Mother. In
distress or in anxiety; in grief or in joy—we
look toward Mother first and she sees the mes-
sage in our eyes and understands. To-night,
m happiness and thankfulness and true appre-
16               TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
ciation—we look toward Mother. She will
understand what our hearts are saying.
*     # *
(1075)    They were talking about Mothers
when they coined that old Italian proverb:
"Great children and heart aches; little chil-
dren and head aches." To-night let the great
and little drink a toast to Mother.
*     # *
(1076)    To Mother—may she live long enough
to forget what little fiends we used to be.
*     * #
(1077)    To Mother: May the love and appre-
ciation of later days overshadow the worries we
caused her in our childhood.
*     * *
(1078)    Here's to Mother: A compliment to
Dad's taste; a tribute to Womanhood and a
God-send to her children!
(1079)    Adam and Eve had the Garden of
Eden—we have our Mother. A toast to her,
then, and a tear for Adam and his spouse!
*     * *
(1080)     To the woman whose words never tire,
whose advice never fails, whose love never fal-
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES             17
Jers, whose unselfishness never slackens, whose
power never weakens—Mother.
See No. 2164.
* * *
TO DAD
(1081)    A toast to Dad—and a vote of thanks
to his mother for giving him to us.
*    * #
(1082)    To Dad: May his children succeed
in imitating him.
(1083)    To Dad's continued Health; Mother's
continued happiness and our continued For-
tune.
*    * *
(1084)    Father. May the love and respect we
express toward him make up, at least in part,
for the worry and care we have visited upon
him.
(1085)    Grandma's son, Mother's husband,
my Father—our Friend!
18             TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
(1086)    To Dad. May his years outnumber
his children and his children outnumber his
cares.
*     * #
(1087)     To the most stalwart protector; the
most learned tutor; the most sympathetic ad-
viser; the staunchest supporter; the truest
friend; and the most constant companion—my
Father.
*     * *
(1088)     I pay my most hearty respects to the
man who has so singularly honored me—by
being my Father.
*     * *
(1089)     To Dad. May his check stubs out-
number his cigar stubs and balance his happi-
ness.
*     * *
(1090)    To my best friend. If I had the pa-
tience, the spirit, the courage, the wisdom, the
wife and the son (or daughter) that he has,
perhaps I could compare with my Dad.
*     # *
TO OUR HOSTESS
(1091)    A toast to the Hostess. Long may
she wave!
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES              19
(1092)    To our Hostess! She is a gem. We
love her. God bless her. And the devil take
her husband!!
*    * *
(1093)    Our Hostess, Ladies and Gentlemen;
the wife of a lucky dog!
*    * *
(1094)    Here's to our Hostess—a bright star
in a constellation of cooks.
*    * *
(1095)    We'll drink a toast to an incompar-
able Hostess. At last we know why her hus-
band struts so!
(1096)    To the Hostess, friends, with a prayer
for the blind and the absent.
*    * *
(1097)    Five thousand restaurants sell food.
But here, my friends, is a Hostess. To her
health.
*    * *
(1098)    There are none so poor as guests with-
out a Hostess. A toast, then, to the good lady
who has made us wealthy!
20            TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
(1099) To the health of our Hostess. If
wishes were invitations we would be your
guests every evening.
Quotation Nos. 2319, 2320, 2358 to 2361; 2380 to
2389. Toast No. 2093.
* # *
TO THE HOST
(noo) To our Host—living proof of the old
adage, "If you would have happy guests, have
a fine wife."
*      * *
(noi) A health to the Host. If he must
postpone sleep until we tire of his hospitality,
he will have a wakeful night.
*     * *
(H02) He is a fortunate Host who houses
satisfied guests—but not nearly as fortunate
as the guests.
*      * *
(1103) A toast to the Host: May his credi-
tors mislay his address.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES              21
(1104)    Our Host—his hospitality is rivaled
only by his geniality; our gratification rivaled
only by our obligation.
*     # #
(1105)     To our Host: An honor to his table
and a blessing to his friends.
*      * *
(1106)    A real friend; a royal entertainer; a
sterling companion; and a "regular fellow"—
our Host.
(1107)     Our Host. May he go over the course
of life in par with Good Luck as a Caddie and
Good Health as a partner.
*     # #
(1108)    A long life and a merry one to our
most amiable Host. And let him who wishes
otherwise choke on the drink!
See Quotations Nos. 2358 to 2361. Proverb No.
2477.
22              TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
TO OUR GUEST
(1109)    Here's to our Guest. He deserves
what he got. May he always get what he de-
serves.
*    * *
(1110)     To our Guest—who could have have
guessed we were to be so lucky?
*    * *
(mi) To the Guest of Honor. May he (or
she) never find himself in less appreciative
company.
(1112)     To the Guest—may his children take
after him.
*    * *
(1113)    A health to the Guest. We make up
in enthusiasm what we lack in words.
*    * *
(liu) The Guest of Honor. A guest, but
by no means "company."
(1115) I pledge a health to the Guest. Let
him speak his mind—he is among friends.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES              23
(1116)    To our Guest. If he will be our guest
often, we can ask no more.
# * *
(1117)    To enumerate our good wishes would
tire our Guest. Let us pack them all in a
hearty toast—and drink to his health.
(1118)     To our Guest—than whom there is
none more welcome; none more deserving or
none more respected.
(ni9) A health to the Guest. May his
troubles from this night on be as flimsy as
the glasses from which we drink to his For-
tune.
(1120)     Good luck to him who deserves it most
and can receive it most gracefully and share it
most generously—our Guest.

^f        ^t        vfc
(1121)     To our Guest. We have enjoyed his
stay because we adhered to the advice of the
old adage: "Choose thy company before thy
drink!"
See also Quotation No. 2035. Toast Nos. 2211, 2238.

24             TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
TO THE BOSS
(1122)    A toast to the Boss. A hard man to
work for and a hard man not to work for.
#    # *
(1123)     To the Boss: if he is as satisfied as
we are, we're hired for life.
#    # #
(1124)     To our Boss. May he never get a
Bookmaker for a Bookkeeper; may he never
be Shorthanded for Stenographers; may he
never be Keyed Up by the Typewriter or
stabbed by the File Clerk or steam-rollered
by the Pay-Roll.
#    * #
(1125)     A health to the Boss—the only man in
the outfit who can't kick for a raise!
Proverbs Nos. 2420, 2427, 2463, 2465, 2483, 2511.
Quotation Nos. 2393 to 2397.
TO THE FLAG
(1126)    To the Flag—may it protect only
those who honor it.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES              25
(1127)    A toast to the flag. We can defend
jt with ballots or with bullets.
(1128)     The Flag, Gentlemen! May its stripes
outnumber its enemies.
(1129)    To the Flag: May every star in the
heavens be dark before a single star in this
blue field loses its luster.
*      * *
(1130)     Our Flag. May it never be hauled
down in a hurry!
Quotation Nos. 2321, 2322.
*      * *
TO THE MAYOR
(ii3i) A health to our Mayor, the man who
took the "pull" out of municipal.
*     * *
(H32) To our Mayor. If toasts were votes
he would be Governor.
26             TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
TO THE GOVERNOR
(1133)     I pledge a health to the personifica-
tion of the law of reciprocity: a man as big as
his jol)—Our Governor.
*    * *
(1134)     To the Governor: A tribute to the
State which pays him tribute.
*    * #
TO THE PRESIDENT
(1135)     To the President of the United States,
the choice of the choicest people.
*    * *
(1136)     To the President. May he be as boun-
tifully blessed by the Grace of God as he is by
the respect and admiration of his fellow coun-
trymen.
*    * *
(1137)     The President; the safest way to se-
cure a worthy successor is by the method of
reelection.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES              27
(1138)     Our President; his accomplishments
beggar biographers,
*     * *
(1139)    To the President; maker of history
and breaker of useless precedent.
*     * *
TO OUR COUNTRY
(1140) Our Country—may its principles be
as broad as its boundaries.
•     * *
(ii4i) The Republic: Give us the strength
to "lick" those who endanger its "rep."
•     * *
(1142)     Our Native Land: may we never
think a thought that will shed dishonor upon it.
•     * *
(1143)    To the United States. May its Glory
spread from Pole to Pole; its Influence girdle
the Globe, and respect for it saturate our
hearts.
28              TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
(1144)     Our Country. Let us hope that the
monuments to its heroes will always outnum-
ber the gallows for its enemies.
*     * #
(1145)     To America. Let us make our toasts
brief and our good deeds enduring.
*     ♦ *
(H46) A toast to the United States. Since
actions speak louder than words, let us shout
our sentiments and drown out the din with
our accomplishments.
*     ♦ *
(1147)     To our Country. May its prestige
never suffer by the actions of its sons.
*     # #
(1148)    Your land and my land. Your vigi-
lance and my vigilance will keep it unsullied.
*     * #
(H49) Lady Liberty—may she never become
a shrew in the Family of Nations.
(1150) America—let us see to it that foreign
opinion is a true reflection of domestic achieve-
ment.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES               29
(1151)     The United States of America—free
from oppression; free from bigotry; free from
tyranny; and free for all.
(1152)     To Our Country—may the blush of
its western skies always be a blush of pride,
never a blush of shame.
*     * *
(1153)     To our Native Land: more George
Washingtons and no more Benedict Arnolds.
*     * #
(H54) To our Nation of free women and
men; free from the deadening past and free
for the best of the future.
*    * #
(1155) A toast to the United States, the great
Melting Pot. Whatever the fusion be, may
the Simplicity and Sincerity of Lincoln and
the Purity and Vision of Washington remain
undiluted.
See also Nos. 2126 to 2151; 2193. Quotations Nos.
2321, 2322.
GENERAL AND MISCEL-
LANEOUS TOASTS
GENERAL AND MISCEL-
LANEOUS TOASTS
(1156)    To the Cooks—may they never weary
in "well doing."
See Nos. 2169, 2184, 2240, 3030. Quotations Nos.
2297 to 2300.
#     * #
(1157)    A health to the Ladies and God bless
their dressmakers.
See other toasts under caption, "Women," "Romance,"
etc.
#     # #
(1158)    A toast to our Doctors. May they
never become friendly with our undertakers.
See No. 2178. Proverb No. 2528. Anecdote No.
8046.
#     * *
(1159)    To the Police Force. For every
enemy they make in the line of duty, they
have twenty friends.
See No. 2166, 1174.
33

^
84             TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
(1160)     To the Boys and Girls of America:
Hope of Yesterday; the Joy of To-day and
the Guarantee of To-morrow.
See No. 2190.
*    * *
(1161)     A health to our widows. If they ever
marry again may they do as well!
See Nos. 2121, 1188.
*    # *
(1162)     To our wives—as dear as their
clothes.
See Toasts Nos. 2000 to 2044 and Nos. 2088 to 2125.
*    * #
(1163)    A toast to those who make toasts
worth while: our Wives.
*    * *
(1164)     To our Sisters, our parents' best
reason for having sons.
*    * *
(1165)     To our Husbands: men when they
are boys; boys when they are men; and lov-
able always.
» * *
(H66) To our Brothers—hard to please and
hard to replace.

TOASTS AND ANECDOTES               35
(1167)    To the Idle Rich—would to God they
were related to us.
*     * •
(1168)    To our Relatives. Let them forget
our faults and mend their own.
Sec No». 3108, 3127, 3157.
•     * *
(1169)    To our valorous Firemen—may they
never smell smoke in Eternity.
*     # *
(1170)    To Lady Nicotine, the only woman
our wives are afraid of.
See Noi. 1217, 2210, 2230, 224.7.
♦     * *
(1171)    A fond toast to our late lamented
friend, John Barleycorn. May a brandied
cherry tree take root in his grave.
See Nos. 2001, 2046, 2050, 2061, 2069, 2070, 2074,
2124, 2181, 2194, 2195, 2200, 2202, 2216, 2232, 2251,
3163.
#  * *
(1172)    To our enemies and their friends. A
curse on their crutches!
♦     » #
(H78) To the Telephone Girls—when they
call us in error may they get the wrong number.
86            TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
(1174.) To the Policeman: may his heart
never miss a beat.
*    * *
(1175)     To those who are always pleased with
themselves—may they always please the rest
of us.
*     # *
(1176)     A toast to Time. Time is money, and
the way we spend it is the principal thing of
interest about it.
See No. 2203, 2206, 2223, 2239, 2246, 2248, 2250.
3(t           $(£           yfc
(1177)    To the Pessimists. May they be kid-
napped by Optimism, choked by Gaiety and
drowned in Mirth.
(H78) A toast to us all. May Prosperity
pay us a long visit—and bring the children.
See Nos. 1206, 1207, 1208, 1243, 2162 to 2163.
*     # *
(1179)     To the Plumber. When he starts out
to make trouble, may he forget his tools.
*     # *
(1180)    To the next generation—our wisdom,
their strength and our fathers' fortitude.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES            87
(1181)    Here's to the Director of the Mint.
May he stamp all the dimes "dollars."
#    * *
(1182)    To the Dove of Peace. May he fly so
hard getting here that he will have to stay a
long while to rest up.
See Nos. 3096, 2409, 2449, 2509.
#     * *
(1183)    Here's to a Good Memory: one that
forgets the right thing at the proper time.
#     # *
(1184)    A toast to a strong limb and sound
wind put to honorable uses.
#     * *
(1185)     To the man who is not afraid of the
daylight that is not ashamed of the man.
#     * *
(1186)    A toast to Adam's most adorable wife
with a glass of "Adam's ale."
See Nos. 2170, 2189.
(1187)    To Eternity—may we spend it in as
good company as this night finds us.
38              TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
(1188)     To seven widowers for every widow
and seventeen bachelors for every old maid.
*      * #
(1189)     Poetry—sweet music from that vital
organ, the heart.
*      * *
(1190)     To the Diplomatic Corps. May they
sleep peacefully at least!
See No. 1231.
*    * *
(1191)     To our Debtors. May their pros-
perity be crowned with a sharp memory.
See Anecdote No. 3027.
*      * #
(1192)     A health to the Babies: let us hope
they will be as satisfied with their parents as
their parents are with them.
See Nos. 1194, 2165.
*      * *
(1193)     To the Traveling Salesman. When he
"shows his line" to St. Peter may he not find
him "overstocked."
*      * *
(1194)    The Stork: he rivals the Dove as the
love birds; the Eagle as the war bird; and the
Peacock as the bird of pride.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES              39
(1195)     A health to the Postman. Let him
handle the love letters tenderly, the checks gin-
gerly and the bills roughly.
*      * *
(1196)     To Sleep. May those who need it get
it and those who get it appreciate it.
*      * *
(1197)     To our Sweethearts: married or
single, may they always be sweethearts!
See Toasts under the caption, "Romance," and Nos.
2000, 2044.
(1198)     To black eyes and "bobbed" hair and
pretty women everywhere.
*     * *
(1199)     To Cupid—a sharpshooter who some-
times lacks the "punch."
*     * *
(1200)     To Wisdom; difficult to acquire; hard
to counterfeit and impossible to lose.
See Proverbs Nos. 2417, 2419, 2423, 2450, 2462, 2469,
2486, 2492, 2496, 2519, 2597. Quotations Nos. 2262
to 2265; 2283 to 2296; 2369 to 2371.
7$            7&            7&
(1201)     Music, wordless romance and spiritual
Wooing.
40              TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
(1202)    To the Perfect Gentleman who would
rather let his Comfort stand before a lady than
have a lady stand before his Pride.
*      * *
(1203)     To our Ancestors. We forgive them
and trust that they forgive us.
*      # *
(120*) To our Health. May it remain with
us long after we die.
See Toasts Nos. 2152 to 2163; 1250.
*      # *
(1205)     To our Wives. They married us will-
ingly; may we all be dead before they discover
their mistake.
*      * #
(1206)     To Good Luck—a fleeting thing, at
best. Here's hoping it breaks a wing when it
flies near us.
*      * *
(1207)    A health to the prosperity of the com-
pany. May all of us be rich enough to lend
but too wealthy to have to borrow.
*      * *
(1208)     To our Good Fortune. May we leave
more when we die and spend more when we
live than we inherited when we were born.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES              41
(1209)     The Arts—visible evidence of man's
relationship to God.
*     * *
(1210)     The Sciences; Nature's only rival.
They frequently out-nature Nature!
*     * #
(1211)     To the Modern Girl—short of hair;
long of wit; and full of more common sense
than her last four ancestors possessed at her
age!
*     * *
(1212)     The Girl of Today: she may shock
her elders but never her juniors!
*     * *
(1213)     Let us drink to a Respectable Eve-
ning—to a sober crowd but a jolly one.
*     * *
(1214)     The Carpenter—let us emulate his
plane living, his square dealing and his level
headedness.
42              TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
(1215)    To the eagle on the dollar. More
power to his wings on his way to our pockets
and more power to his claws when he arrives.
*    * *
(1216)    Here's to our Industries, the armor-
plate on the Ship of State.
*     * *
(1217)     Tobacco—the young man's fancy and
the old man's solace.
*     * *
(1218)    To the Farmers of America, the back-
bone of our Nation. Let us help them guard
against curvature of the spine!
*     * *
(1219)     To the Cleanly, the Godly—and the
rest of us.
*     * *
(1220)     May our enemies survive their exalta-
tion, recover from their tempers and expire in
remorse.
*     * *
(1221)    To the Church—savagely striving to
defeat our savagery.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES              43
(1222)    A health to the real radio fan. When
Opportunity broadcasts may he tune out Han-
dicap and get perfect Reception.
*     * *
(1223)    To all true lovers—solitude, oppor-
tunity and courage.
*     * *
(1224)     To Milady's Hairdressers—long may
they wave!
*     * *
(1225)    To the Shoemakers. May their im-
mortal souls outlast the soles they have sold us.
*     * #
(1226)    A health to our Nurses—let them be
specialists in the treatment of Broken Hearts,
Cold Feet and Hot Heads.
(1227)    To a good neighbor; the most fruitful
tree that ever grew beside a human habitation.
*     # *
(1228)    To Congress: a body of men sur-
rounded by intelligent voters.
44              TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
(1229)    To my Bootlegger. Here's hoping
he never has to drink any of his own hootch!
#     * #
(1230)    To the modern toper—a fearless man!
#     * *
(1231)    To our Diplomats: May their biog-
raphies run into many editions.
See Anecdotes Nos. 3005, 3043, 3044, 3132, 3156.
Proverbs Nos. 2435, 2502, 2617.
#     * *
(1232)    To our English Cousins: Let them
profit by our example and confine their "dry-
ness" to their humor.
(1233)    To Beauty—may it be Universal, Per-
petual, Inexhaustible and Indelible.
See Nos. 2273 to 2279. Proverbs 2415, 2460. Anec-
dotes 3006, 3007.
(1234)    To the Winning Team: May all their
future victories be as honorable, as skillful and
as well-earned.
See Quotations Nos. 2340 to 2344.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES            45
(1235)     To the Losing Team: A team of true
sportsmen who can lose as gracefully as they
win.
*    * #
(1236)     To Victory—may its laurels bear hid-
den thorns for the dishonorable brow.
*    * #
(1237)     To True Sportsmanship. Let us hope
it will never have to rely on the rule book for
its existence.
*     * *
(1238)     To Victory—with the hope that all
our toasts to the same subject can be couched
in the present tense, never in the past.
*     * *
(1239)     To the one man I admire, trust, hope
for and envy more than any other—my Son.
*     * *
(1240)     To my Son: May his neighbors bene-
fit by his mother's virtues as he profits by his
father's faults.
*     * *
(1241)     To my Daughter. May she inherit
the unselfishness of her mother, but may it
46             TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
never be imposed upon by her husband like
her mother's is!
*    * *
(1242)     I pledge you a toast to that garden of
sweet buds that will soon blossom into the
flowers of womanhood: our daughters!
(1243)     To Prosperity. Let us all have the
good grace to introduce her to our neighbors
when she calls.
*    * *
(1244)     Here's to all of us: may God love us
and the Devil respect us.
See Nos. 2197, 2198.
*    * *
(1245)     To the keen memory and the discern-
ing eye of the Great Umpire, Posterity. May
it overlook none of us.
*    * *
(1246)     To Father Time: May he tarry long
around this table—and return for more.
*    * *
(1247)     To Jupiter Pluvius—long may he
reign.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES              '47
(1248)    To our Grandparents. It was our
good fortune to have known both them and
their children.
*     * *
(1249)    Liberty and Tolerance—may we
never see them in their infirmity.
#     * *
(1250)    To Good Health and Happiness.
Let us hope that we die before they do!
SECTION II
1.    Some Time-Honored Old Favorites.
2.    Verse and Prose Quotations from
Famous Authors.
3.    Proverbs and Adages a Speaker
Might Find Useful.
SECTION II
Not all good things are new, of course.
Consequently it is imperative that we include
in this book some of the best of the old toasts
and sentiments that have graced many a fes-
tive board in by-gone days.
It is obvious that in Paet One of this Sec-
tion the "old favorites" presented do not make
an exhaustive or complete collection in time-
honored toasts that were once popular. Such
an accomplishment would require the space
devoted to this entire book. What we have
tried to do is select from the several thousand
sentiments examined in the compilation of this
work a liberal choice of the best toasts, not only
with respect to the thought and its expression,
but also with an eye to the adaptability of any
particular piece of prose or verse to current
conditions.
Occasional references to various drinks of
the nature now prohibited in the United States
may tempt some to question the "adaptability"
5*
52               TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
of those toasts, so it may be explained that,
being old favorites, coined long before present-
day restrictions, it was deemed advisable to
present them just as they originally were used
so that the reader could use his or her own dis-
cretion in making suitable alterations where
alterations are needed. In a word, we sought
to preserve the "spirit" of each sentiment!
Part Two of this Section presents still an-
other selection of sentiments in the form of
prose and verse quotations from famous
authors, many of which will be found suitable
for use on occasions when a stereotyped, or
even an original, toast will not answer.
In the arrangement of a tiny fraction of the
possible number of pertinent quotations that
might be used in such a volume we have been
guided chiefly by the thought of the purposes
of a dinner or a banquet at which a toastmaster
or a speaker might resort to these quotations.
The sentiments are therefore confined to such
general subjects as Age, Beauty, Character,
Patriotism, Popularity and such other topics
as a speaker might dwell upon in addressing
the guest of honor or the entire assemblage.
There are many books of quotations avail-
able which cover this field more thoroughly and
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES               58
Comprehensively. It is to be hoped, therefore,
that the reader will not misconstrue this effort
as an endeavor to rival those exhaustive works.
Paet Three of this Section presents a
goodly assortment of proverbs and old adages
from various lands in the hope that the speaker
will frequently find aid here in his effort to
dramatize a point in his talk that can better be
made by a terse "saying" than by conventional
wordage. Here, again, we have tried to keep
in mind the circle of possible subjects with
which a speaker might have to deal and we
have not bothered to include any of the prov-
erbs which seem to be off this highway of
thought, good as they may be as individual
adages.
In indexing these proverbs more or less diffi-
culty was encountered. So we have merely
numbered them in their regular order, using
those numbers as cross-indices in other por-
tions of the book when some other toast or quo-
tation or anecdote seems to cover a sentiment
expressed still differently by one of these
proverbs. No other classification has been at-
tempted.
The reader, therefore, who is looking for
sentiments on Beauty will not read the prov-
erbs first but will look under Romantic Toasts
54,               TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
for his original source of supply. At the he-
ginning of those sections he will find a group of
index numbers which will refer him to those
other portions of the book where kindred sen-
timents are to be found.
PART ONE
OLD TOASTS TO WOMEN, LOVE
AND ROMANCE
PART ONE
OLD TOASTS TO WOMEN, LOVE
AND ROMANCE
See also Quotations 2280, 2281, 2310 to 2318 and
2380 to 2390.
Proverbs Nos. 2415, 2460, 2461, 2487, 2495, 2498,
2520, 2521, 2570, 2631.
*     * *
(2000)     May we kiss those we please and
please those we kiss.
(2001)     Here's to old wine and young women.
(2002)     To Woman's love—to man's not akin;
For her heart's a home, while his
heart is an inn.
*     * *
(2003)     To a good young girl—but not too
good, for the good die young.
(2004)     To Woman: the only loved autocrat
who elects without voting; governs without
law and decides without appeal.
57
68             TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
(2003) To the most fascinating of women—
some other man's widow.
(2006)    Woman—she needs no eulogy; she
speaks for herself.
(2007)     May our sweethearts become our
wives and our wives always remain our sweet-
hearts.
* * #
(2008)     I have known many, liked a few;
Loved but one—
So here's to you!
(2009)     To the only true language of love—a
Kiss.
* * *
(2010)    Here's to the old coquette and the old
general; may they both continue to remember
their conquests and to forget their other en-
gagements.—F. B. Wall.
(2011) Here's to the maiden of bashful
fifteen,
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES            69
Here's to the widow of fifty;
Here's to the flaunting, extravagant
queen,
And here's to the housewife that's
thrifty,
Let the toast pass,
Drink to the lass,
I'll warrant she'll prove an excuse
for the glass!
—Sheridan.
#    * *
(2012)    Here's to the light that lies in a
woman's eyes,
And lies, and lies, and lies.
#    * *
(2013)    Woman—the absolute tyrant whose
subjects are slaves, whose slightest caprice is
law, and from whose decision there is no ap-
peal. God grant that she reign forever!
(2014)     To our sweethearts and wives—may
they never meet.
#    # *
(2015)     Bless the wives!
They fill the hives
With little bees and honey;
60
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
They ease life's shocks,
They mend our socks—
But don't they spend the money?
When we are sick
They heal us quick—
That is, if they love us;
If not, we die,
And yet they cry
And raise tombstones above us.
*     * *
(2016)    A toast to Dan Cupid, the great evil-
doer ;
A merciless rogue—may his darts
never grow fewer.
—EsteUe Foreman.
*     # #
(2017)    Here's to love and unity; dark corners
and opportunity.
*     * *
(2018)    Thou hast no faults, or I no faults
can spy;
Thou art all beauty, or all blind-
ness I.
—Codrington.
*     * *
(2019)    Here's to the dearest of all things on
earth,
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES            61
(Dearest, precisely, and yet full of
worth.)
One who lays siege to susceptible
hearts.
(Pocket-books, also—That's one of
her arts.)
Drink to her, toast her, your banner
unfurl—
Here's to the priceless American
Girl.
—Walter Pulitzer.
» * *
(2020) Here's to the girl that gets a kiss,
And runs and tells her mother;
May she live and die an old maid,
And never get another!
But here's to the girl that gets a kiss,
And throws her arms around you I
If you do not love her then,
May all the gods confound you!
* # *
TO MY WIFE
<202i) I don't want no kind of angel with a
lot o' wings and things,
And a golden harp and halo, and
them other signs o' wealth;
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
I jes' want the sort o' woman that
jes' smiles and loves and sings;
And I've got her—may God bless
her!—here's her everlastin"
health!—Oliver Marble.
* * *
WOMAN
(2022) Two things were needed: civilization
to give her a veil, and religion to give her
scruples. Drink to Woman, for the thing is
perfect; she is a secret and she is a sin.
—Anatole Frances,
* * *
TO MY SWEETHEART
(2023) For she is such a smart little craft,
Such a neat little, sweet little craft—
Such a bright little,
Tight little,
Slight little,
Light little,
Trim little, slim little craft.
—Byron.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES             68
TO MY WIFE
(2024)    Were't the last drop in the well,
As I gasped upon the brink,
Ere my fainting spirit fell
"lis to thee that I would drink.
—Byron.
* * *
(2025)                     A toast to the girl I love—
God love her!
A toast for the eyes that tender shine,
And the fragrant mouth that melts
on mine,
The shimmering tresses uncontrolled
That clasp the neck with tendrils of
gold;
And the blossom mouth and the
dainty chin,
And the dimples out and in—
The girl I love—
God love her!
—Langbridge.
(2026)    Drink ye to her that each loves best,
And if you nurse a flame
That's told but to her mutual breast,
We will not ask her name.
—Campbell.
64             TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
(2027)     I fill this cup to one made up
Of loveliness alone,
A woman, of her gentle sex
The seeming paragon—
Her health! And would on earth
there stood
Some more of such a frame,
That life might all be poetry,
And weariness a name!—Pinkney.
*     * *
(2028)     Come, fill 'round a bumper, fill up to
the brim,—
He who shrinks from a bumper I
pledge not to him:
Here's to the girl that each loves, be
her eyes of what hue
.Or luster it may, so her heart is but
true.                           —Moore.
*    * »
SAILOR'S TOAST
(2029) Come, messmates, fill the cheerful
bowl!
To-night let no one fail,
No matter how the billows roll,
Or roars the ocean gale.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES            65
There's toil and danger in our lives,
But let us jovial be,
And drink to sweethearts and to
wives
On Saturday night at sea!
*    * *
(2080) Drink, my jolly lads, drink with dis-
cerning,
Wedlock's a lane where there is no
turning;
Never was owl more blind than lover;
Drink and be merry, lads, half seas
over.
*    * *
(2031)    Drink to her who long
Hath waked the poet's sigh;
The girl who gave to song
What gold could never buy!
(2032)    To Woman: the fairest work of the
Great Author; the edition is large and no man
should be without a copy.
*    * #
(2033)    Drink, Drink, Drink!
Drink to the girl of your heart;
The wisest, the wittiest, the bravest,
the prettiest,
May you never be far apart.
66            TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
(2034) Oh, woman's heart was made
For minstrel's hands alone;
By any other fingers played,
It yields not half the tone!
*    # *
(2085) May we seek the society of woman
but never chase her pleasure away.
*     * *
TO WOMAN
Here's to God's first thought, Man!
And here's to God's second thought,
Woman!
Second thoughts are always best—
So here's to Woman!
*     * *
Here's to the girl that's strictly in it,
Who doesn't lose her head even for
a minute,
Plays well the game and knows the
limit,
And still gets all the fun there's
in it!
(2086)
(2037)
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES             67
Here's to the girl with
Eyes of blue,
Whose heart is kind and
Love is true.
Here's to the girl with
Eyes of brown,
Whose spirit proud you
Cannot down.
Here's to the girl with
Eyes of gray,
Whose sunny smile drives
Care away.
Whate'er the hue of their
Eyes may be,
I'll drink to the girls this
Toast with thee!
* * *
Here's to the lasses we've loved, my
lad,
Here's to the lips we've pressed;
For of kisses and lasses,
Like liquor in glasses,
The last is always the best.
68               TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
TO MY ABSENT LOVER
(2040)    It warms me, it charms me,
To mention her name;
It heats me, it beats me,
And sets me a' on flame!
* * *            —Burns.
(2041)     The woods are full oA fairies,
The sea is full of fish;
But the thing I want is a woman—
And that's a manly wish.
*     * *
(2042)     They say there's microbes in a kiss,
This rumor is most rife,
Come, then, lady, and make of me
An invalid for life.
*     » *
(2048) They talk about a woman's sphere as
though it had a limit;
There's not a place in earth or
heaven,
There's not a task to mankind given,
There's not a blessing or a woe,
There's not a whispered yes or no,
There's not a life or birth,
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES               68
That had a feather's worth of
worth—
Without a woman in it.
* * *
(2044) To every lovely lady bright,
I wish a gallant, faithful knight;
To every faithful lover, too,
I wish a trusting lady true.
—Scott.
TOASTS ON FRIENDSHIP, COM-
PANIONSHIP, AND GENERAL
GOOD FEELINGS
TOASTS ON FRIENDSHIP, COM-
PANIONSHIP, AND GENERAL
GOOD FEELINGS
(2045)    To drink is a Christian diversion
Unknown to the Turk or the
Persian:
Let Mahometan fools
Live by heathenish rules,
And be damned over teacups and
coffee;
But let British lads sing,
Crown a health to the King,
And a fig for the Sultan and Sophy!
—From "the way of the wobld"
by Congreve.
# * #
(2046)     Let us moisten our clay since 'tis
thirsty and porous: No shrinking! no shrink-
ing ! All drinking in chorus!
—Thomas L. Peacock.
73
74              TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
(2047)    Here's to your health and your fam-
ily's. May they live long and prosper.
—Rip Van Winkle's Toast.
*     * *
(2048)    May Friend Ship never founder in
the shallows of deception.
(2049)     May the bud of affection be ripened
by the sunshine of sincerity.
*     * *
(2050)    Let us have wine and women, mirth
and laughter; sermons and soda-water the
day after.—Byron.
*     * *
(2051)    A health to the man on the trail to-
night; may his grub hold out; may his dogs
keep their legs; may his matches never miss
fire.—Jack London.
*     * *
(2052)     Here's to Friendship; Love without
its wings.
*     * *
(2053)    To our absent friends. Though out
of sight, we can see them with our glasses!
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES               78
We'll drink to the friends who will us
well,
So fill to the brim and toast 'em;
And if there be those who wish
us ill—
Why, now is the time to roast 'em I
Grace Irwin.
Here's rest to the weary;
In peace rest his soul:
Good luck to the wanderer
Who's lost the keyhole 1
* # *
A pipe, a book, a fire, a friend,
A stein that's always full;
Here's to the joys of a bachelor's
life,
A life that is never dull.
—Estelle Foreman.
Laugh at all things, great and small
things,
Sick or well, at sea or shore;
While we're quaffing, let's have
laughing—
Who the devil cares for more?
—Byron.
76             TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
(2058)    Here's to the journey of life—and
may you never miss the train of kindly
thought.
* * *
(2059)     Here's to Hell—may we have as good
a time there as we had getting there!
(2060)    Here's a turkey when you are hungry,
Champagne when you are dry;
A pretty girl when you are lonely,
And Heaven when you die.
#     * *
(2061)     Here's to the Stein. 'Tis not so wide
as a church door nor so deep as a well, but
'twill serve!
(2062)     May we be richer in friends than in
money.
#     * »
(2063)     Here's to more such friends and less
need for them.
#     * *
(2064)    Here's to you—may you live long
enough to eat the chicken that scratches on
your grave.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES                 7%
(2065)    The walls have ears. May they hear
nothing here but loud laughter.
*    * *
(2066)    To your health—may the skin of a
gooseberry be big enough to cover all of your
enemies.                 « * *
(2067)     To the rod and line; may they never
part company. » * *
(2068)     Champagne to our real friends and a
real pain to our sham friends.
*     * *
(2069)     To wine; kings it makes gods, and
Meaner creatures, kings.
—Shakespeare.
*     * *
(2070)    Fill the cup—I pledge you a mile to
the bottom.            ♦ # ♦
(2071)    A glass is good and a lass is good,
And a pipe to smoke in cold weather;
The world is good and the people are
good,
And we're all good fellows together.
T«              TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
(2072)     Oh! Be thou blest with what heaven
can send,
Long health, long youth, long pleas-
ure—and a friend!         —Pope.
* # #
(2073)     Turn out more ale, turn up the light;
I will not go to bed to-night.
Of all the foes that man should dread
The first and worst one is a bed.
Friends I have had both old and
young,
And ale we drank and songs we
sung;
Enough you know when this is said,
That, one and all—they died in bed!
—Webb.
(2074)             Of drink there's no end,
And kind Heaven sends
Us drinkers the merriest weather;
So here's to my friend,
His friends, their friends!
We're all good fellows together.
—Holden.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES            79
(2075) Here's to you, and to me, and a bottle,
and bird!
And no one is injured by what he's
not heard.
(2076) There's no satiety
In your society
With the variety
Of your esprit.
Here's a long purse to you,
And a great thirst to you!
Fate be no worse to you
Than she's been to me I
(2077) Here's to you, my friend! I takes my
glass in my right hand; I elevates it on high;
I looks toward you; and I bows, and likewise
says: Here's to you to-day, to-morrow and for
always.—Old Army Toast.
(2078) Come, once more, a bumper!—then
drink as you please,
Tho' who could fill half-way to toasts
such as these?
80            TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
Here's our next joyous meeting—
and, oh, when we meet,
May our wine be as bright and our
union as sweet! —Moore.
*    * *
(2079)    Here's a bottle and an honest friend!
What would you wish for more,
man?
Who knows before his life may end
What his share may be o' care,
man?                        —Burnt.
*    * *
(2080)    Here's to the wings of friendship—
may they never molt a feather.
*     ♦ *
(2081)     May Friendship propose the toast and
Sincerity drink it.
*    * #
(2082)    Here's to the friends we love so well,
To those so far away!
If a drink of cheer would bring them
here,
We would drink the livelong day.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES            81
(2088) May our friends be in our hearts
whether they be remembered in wine or water.
*     * *
(2084) It's hard for you-uns and we-uns;
It's hard for we-uns to part;
It's hard for you-uns and we-uns,
'Cause you-uns has we-uns's heart.
*     * *
(208*) The world is filled with flowers,
The flowers are filled with dew,
The dew is filled with love
For you, and you, and you.
*     * *
(2086)    Then a smile, and a glass, and a toast,
and a cheer
For all the good wine, and we've
some of it here!
In cellar, in pantry, in attic, in hall,
Long live the gay servant that
laughs for us all!—Holmes.
*     # *
(2087)    Then here's to thee, old friend; and
long
May thou and I thus meet,
To brighten still with wine and song
This short life ere it fleet.

^F

TOASTS ON MARRIAGE, HOME,
THE NEWLIWEDS, BACHE-
LORS, ETC.
TOASTS ON MARRIAGE, HOME,
THE NEWLIWEDS, BACHE-
LORS, ETC.
See also Quotations Nos. 2310 to 2318. Proverbs
Nos. 2454, 2482, 2586.
*      * *
(2088)     To the newliweds: May we all be in-
vited to their Golden Wedding.
*      • *
(2089)    A toast to the Newliweds. May their
joys be as deep as the ocean and their cares as
light as its spray.
*      * *
(2090)     Here's to the inside of a good home
and the outside of a good prison.
(2091) Some hae meat and canna eat,
|,\                   And some wad eat who want it;
But we hae meat and we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit.
—Robert Burns.
1.                                    85
 
86            TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
(2092)    To our Bachelors; created by God for
the consolation of our widows and the hope
of our maidens.
* * *
(2093)    To the Hostess! May she be hung,
drawn and quartered. Hung with jewels;
drawn in a coach and four; quartered in a
palace!!
*                                  * * *
(2094)    Here's to the man who loves his wife,
And loves his wife alone;
For many a man loves another man's
wife
When he should be loving his own.
(2095)    To the model husband: some other
woman's.
(2096)    To Home, the place where we are
treated best and grumble most.
(2097) Here's to the happy man—all the
world loves a lover.—Emerson.
(2098) Here's to Matrimony, the high sea for
which no compass has yet been invented.
—Heine.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES             87
(2099)    Here's to the Bride and Mother-in-
Law,
Here's to the Groom and Father-in-
Law,
Here's to the Sister and Brother-in-
Law,
Here's to the Friends and Friends-
in-Law,
May none of them need an Attorney-
at-Law!
*     * *
(2100)     To the have-been's, the are-now's and
the may-be's.
*     # #
(2101)    Here's to the bride that is to be,
Happy and smiling and fair;
And here's to those who would like
to be,
And are wondering when and
where.
(2102) When I said I should die a bachelor,
I did not think I should live 'till I were mar-
ried.—Shakespeare.
88              TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
(2103)    Maids and bachelors married, and
soon so;
Wives and husbands happy, and
long so!
*     ♦ #
(2104)     To Marriage, that happy state which
resembles a pair of shears; so joined that they
cannot be separated; often moving in opposite
directions, yet always punishing anyone who
comes between them.
*     * *
(2105)    Men, dying, make their will, but
wives
Escape work so sad.
Why should they make what all their
lives
The gentle dames have had?
—J. C. Saxe.
*     # #
(2106)     Here's to life's three blessings: Wife.
Children and Friends.
*     * #
(2107)     To the single, married and married
happy.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES              89
(2108)     May those who enter the rosy paths
of matrimony never encounter any of the
thorns-                       * • •
(2109)     To the Bachelors: may they never im-
pale their freedom on the point of a steel pen.
#     * #
(alio) Here's long life to the mother-in-law,
With all her freaks and capers,
For without "dear old ma,"
What would become of the comic
papers?
» * *
(2111)    Here's to the Bachelor, so lonely and
gay;
For it's not his fault, he was born that
way.
And here's to the Spinster, so lonely
and good;
For it's not her fault, she hath done
what she could.
*     * *
TO MY WIFE
(2112)    Here's to the gladness of her gladness
when she's glad!
Here's to the sadness of her sadness
when she's sad!
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
But the gladness of her gladness
And the sadness of her sadness
Are not in it with her madness when
she's mad!
#     # *
TO THE NEWLIWEDS
(2113)    Here's to the health of the happy pair,
May good luck meet them every-
where,
And may each day of wedded bliss
Be always just as sweet as this!
#     * *
(2114)    Here's to you two and to we two;
If you two love we two
As we two love you two,
Then here's to we four;
But if you two don't love we two,
As we two love you two,
Then here's to we two and no more.
#     * *
A GIRL'S TOAST
(2115)     I drink to one, and only one—
And may that one be he
Who loves but one, and only one—
And may that one be me!
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES            91
(2116) Let's be gay while we may,
And seize love with laughter;
I'll be true as long as you,
And not a moment after.
(2117) Here's to love—sweet misery I
WEDDING TOAST
(2118) Let us drink to the health of the bride,
Let us drink to the health of the
groom,
Let us drink to the Parson who tied,
And to every guest in the room.
(2119)    To Love! For heaven and earth adore
him,
And gods and mortals bow before
him.                         —Moore.
(2120)     Pass me the wine. To those that keep
The bachelor's secluded sleep
Peaceful, inviolate and deep.
I pour libation. —Dobson.
92             TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
(2121) The Hoods that cover free heads—
Bachelorhood and Widowhood.
* * *
TO THE BRIDE AND GROOM
(2122) To the bride and the bridegroom!
Come pledge them,
Be the wine of love sweet to their
lips,
The star of good luck in ascendant,
Misfortune for aye in eclipse.
* * #
TO THE BRIDE
(2128) A wife as tender, and as true withal,
As the first woman was before her
fall;
Made for the man, of whom she is a
part,
Made to attract his eyes and keep his
heart.                     —Dryden.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES               9S
TO OUR LOVERS
(2124) Fill a glass with golden wine
And while your lips are wet,
Set their perfume upon mine and
forget
That every kiss we take or give
Leaves us less of life to live.
* * *
THE AMERICAN GIRLS
(212«) From barest rocks to bleakest shore
Where farthest sail unfurls,
That stars and stripes are streaming
o'er—
God bless our Yankee girls I
—Holmes.
* * *
I
PATRIOTIC SENTIMENTS, TOASTS
TO THE ARMY AND NAVY, ETC.
PATRIOTIC SENTIMENTS, TOASTS
TO THE ARMY AND NAVY, ETC.
(2126) To Uncle Sam:
Addition to his friends,
Subtraction from his wants,
Multiplication of his blessings,
Division among his foes.
(2127) To the United States: may the devil
cut the toes of all her enemies so that we may
know them by their limping.
(2128)     To the Army—firm in disaster, cou.
rageous in danger and merciful in victory.
*     * *
(2129)     To the Navy—may it ever sail on &
sea of glory.
*     * *
(2130)     May the soldier who loses an eye in
battle never see distress with the other.
97
98            TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
(2131)    To American Arms—and the hands
to use them.
#    * *
(2132)     One Flag, one Land, one Heart, one
Hand, one Nation evermore.
—Oliver Wendell Holmes.
(2133)     Our Country! In her intercourse
with foreign nations may she always be in the
right—but our country, right or wrong.
—Stephen Decatur.
#     * *
(2134)    It is my living sentiment and, by the
blessing of God, it shall be my dying senti-
ment—Independence now and Independence
forever.—Daniel Webster.
#     * *
(2136) The American Eagle and the Thanks-
giving Turkey:
May one give us peace in all our
States,
And the other a piece for all our
plates.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES             99
(2136)     One great modern Republic. May
those who seek the blessings of its institutions
and the protection of its flag remember the
obligations they impose.—U. S. Grant.
(2137)     To every soldier a long halt; for every
traitor a long halter.
#    * #
(2138)    America and England—may they
never have any division but the Atlantic be-
tween them.—Charles Dickens.
*     * *
(2139)     (To be given by a woman):
The Soldiers of America!
Their arms for our defense,
Our arms their recompense;
Fall in, men, fall in!!
(2140)    America! Half-brother to the world,
with some of the good and the bad of every
land.—Philip Bayley.
100
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
(2141) Here's to the Army and the Navy!
May they never want and never be
wanted.
(2142) Here's to the ships of our Navy
And to the ladies of our Land;
May the first be ever well rigged,
And the latter ever well manned.
—Algernon S. Sullivan.
(2143) Here's to our brave soldiers, ever vic-
torious. May they, in time of peace, always
find shelter in a loving heart.
(2144) Our Navy! May it always be as
anxious to preserve Peace as it is to uphold
the honor of the flag in war.
(2145) Here's to the land that gave me birth,
Here's to the flag she flies;
Here's to her sons, the best on earth;
Here's to her smiling skies;
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES             101
Here's to a heart that beats for me,
True as the stars above;
Here's to the day when mine she'll
be—
Here's to the girl I love!
—Frank S. Piocley.
*     * *
(2146)    Home, boys, home! It's home we
ought to be!
Home, boys, home! In God's coun-
try;
Where the ash and the oak and the
weeping willow tree
And the grass grows green in North
Ameriky!
—U. S. Army Toast in the Philippines.
*     * *
(2147)     To America—half-brother of all the
world!
*     * *
(2148)     Our hearts where they rocked our
cradle,
Our love where we spent our toil,
And our faith, and our hope, and our
honor,
We pledge to our native soil.
—Kipling.
102
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
(2149)    My native land, I turn to you,
With blessing and with prayer;
"Where man is brave and woman true,
And free as mountain air.
Long may our flag in triumph wave
Against the world combined,
And friends a welcome—foes a
grave,
Within our borders find.
—Morris.
*     # *
(2150)    To her we drink, for her we pray,
Our voices silent never;
For her we'll fight, come what may,
The stars and stripes forever!
*     * #
(2151)     To the English-speaking Races: the
founders of commonwealths, the pioneers of
progress, stubborn defenders of liberty—may
they ever work together for the world's wel-
fare.—Curtis.
TOASTS TO FORTUNE, PROS-
PERITY, GOOD LUCK,
HEALTH, ETC.
TOASTS TO FORTUNE, PROS-
PERITY, GOOD LUCK,
HEALTH, ETC.
See Proverbs Nos. 2402, 2407, 2412, 2464, 2473,
2474, 2476, 2478, 2513, 2552, 2553, 2565, 2578, 2588,
2605, 2625.
* * #
(2152)     May your shadow never grow less.
*     * *
(2153)     To the three great commanders—Gen-
eral Peace, General Prosperity and General
Plenty.
(2154)     May Poverty never come to us with-
out Hope.
*     * *
(2155)    May Fortune recover her eyesight and
distribute her gifts.
(2156)     Here's to Luck and hopin' God will
take a likin' to us!—Cowboy Dakota.
*     * #
(2157)    To Success, which can strike its roots
deep only through soil enriched by many
failures.
105
106           TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
(2158)    Here's that ye may never die nor be
kilt 'till ye break your bones over a bushel o'
glory!—Old Irish Toast.
*     * #
(2159)     To all of us, architects of our own
Fortunes!
(2160)    A health to you, good friends of mine,
A plenty to you all;
May each one be at his own house
When Fortune makes her call.
—Alonzo Rice.
(2161)    Here's to us all, God bless us every-
one.—Charles Dickens.
(2162)    Here's a health in homely rhyme
To our oldest classmate, Father
Time;
May our last survivor live to be
As bold and as wise and as tough
as he!
—Oliver Wendell Holmes.
#     # *
(2163)     To Knowledge, the wings wherewith
we fly to Heaven!
MISCELLANEOUS TOASTS OF
BYGONE DAYS
MISCELLANEOUS TOASTS OF
BYGONE DAYS
TO MOTHER
(2i64>} You can multiply all the relations of
life,
Have more than one sister or
brother;
In the course of events, have more
than one wife,
But you never can have but one
Mother!
* * *
BABY'S TOAST
(2165) Here's to me—Mamma's pet and
Pop's boast;
To my solos at night, which they
roast!
Here's to my little pug nose
And my ten curly toes;
How's that for a little "Milk Toast?"
—Life.
109
■P
110           TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
(2166)     The Law: May it ever be a synonym
for Justice.—Carter.
*     * *
(2167)    Here's to Conscience. May it waken
to hear us toast it and then go to sleep again.
*     * *
TO ONE-AND-TWENTY
(2168)     Oh! talk not to me of a name great in
story;
The days of our youth are the days
of our glory;
And the myrtle and ivy of sweet one-
and-twenty
Are worth all your laurels though
ever so plenty.          —Byron.
*     * *
(2169)     God sends meat—and the devil sends
the cooks.               * * *
(2170)     Here's to that which is too weak to be
a sinner, Honest Water—at least it never left
a man in the mire!
*     # *
(2171)    Here's short shoes and long corns to
our enemies.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES            111
TO MAN
(2172)    A toast to Man, the first animal in
creation; he springs up like sparrowgrass,
hops about like a hoppergrass and dies like a
jackass.                  * * *
(2173)     To the lawyers, those learned gentle-
men who rescue our estates from the hands of
our enemies and keep them themselves.
(2174) To Modesty—a handsome dish cover
that makes us fancy there must be something
good underneath.
VIRTUE!
(2175)     May it remain pure as the air of our
valleys and as firm as the rocks of our moun-
tains.
(2176)    Here's to the whole world, for fear
some fool will be angry because he's left out.
T       T        #
(2177)     To Youth—only possessed fully by
those who have passed beyond it.
112           TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
(2178)    Fond of doctors, little health;
Fond of lawyers, little wealth,
*    * *
(2179)    Here's to the smoke that curls in the
air,
Here's to the dog at my feet.
Here's to the girls that have gone
before;
Gad! But their kisses were sweet!
*    * #
(2180)     To the Newspapers, Sir! They are the
most villainous, licentious, abominable, infernal
—not that I ever read them—no; I make it a
rule never to look into a newspaper.
—Sheridan.
*     * *
(8181) God made man, frail as a bubble;
Man made love, love made trouble.
God made the vine—
Then, is it a sin
That man made wine to
Drown trouble in?
*     * *
(2182) To the wise man—he who knows
himself!
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES           113
(2183)    To the man who is master of his
tongue—he is master of himself.
#     # *
(2184)     To Gasteria, the tenth Muse, who pre-
sides over the enjoyments of Taste.
—Brillat-Savarin.
*     * *
(2185)    Here's to old Omar Khayyam,
I'm stuck on that old beggar, I am!
His women and wine are something
divine:
For his verses I don't give a damn!I
TO THE EDITORS!
(2186) "Virtue in the middle," said the Devil
as he sat himself between two of them.
TO THE CHAPERON
(2187) Here's to the Chaperon!
May she learn from Cupid
Just enough blindness
To be sweetly stupid.
—Oliver Herford.
114           TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
(2188)     May every liar be blessed with a good
memory!—Mark Twain.
*    * *
TEMPERANCE TOAST
(2189)    A fig then for Burgundy, Claret or
Mountain,
A few scanty glasses must limit
your wish;
'But he's the true toper that goes to
the fountain,
The drinker that verily "drinks
like a fish!"               —Hood.
*     * *
YOUTH
(2190)    A health for the future, a sigh for the
past;
We love, we remember, we hope to
the last;
And for all the bare lies that the
almanacs hold,
While we've youth in our hearts, we
can never grow old.—Holmes.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES            115
(2191)    A little health, a little wealth,
A little house and freedom;
With some few friends
For certain ends,
But little cause to need 'em,
*     * *
(2192)    To the Bachelor—who is always free!
To the Husband—who, sometime,
may be!
*     # *
TO THE UNITED STATES
(2193)     The poet sings of Switzerland,
Braw Scotland's heathered moor,
The shimmering sheen of Ireland's
green,
Old England's rock-bound shore,
Quaint Holland and the Fatherland,
Their charm in verse relates;
Let me acclaim the land I name:
My own United States!
116
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
DRINKING
(2194)    The thirsty earth soaks up the rain,
And drinks and gapes for drink again;
The plants suck in the earth, and are
With constant drinking fresh and fair.
Why
Should every creature drink but I?
Why, man of morals, tell me why?
*    * *           —Cowley.
(2195)    Who loves not woman, wine and song
Remains a fool his whole life long.
*     * *
(2196)    When I die—the day be far!
Should the potters make a jar
Out of this poor clay of mine,
Let the jar be filled with wine!
*    * * —Stoddard.
TO THE DEVIL
(2197)    Here's to Mephisto! Goodness knows
What we would do without him.
And, good Mephisto, do not spurn
Our toast with mocking laughter;
Nor yet the compliment return
But toasting us hereafter!
—Oliver Herford.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES            117
(2198)                Up friends, up!
To-night we sup,
Though to-morrow we die of revel!
Rise for a toast,
Though to-morrow we roast;
A Health to His Lordship, the Devil!
* * *
(2199)    To the automobile; the rich man's wine
and the poor man's chaser.—Hobart.
TO THE HIGHBALL
(2200)        Here's to the highball;
No slow ball, nor shy ball,
Nor low ball, nor snow ball;
But, once for all
We're sad or we're jolly,
Still, wisdom or folly,
As dear as my eyeball—
The Highball!—Wallace Rice.
(2201)    Here's a health to all those that we
love;
Here's a health to all those that love
us;
118             TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
Here's a health to all those that love
them that love those
That love them that love those that
love us!
(2202)               Drink up
Your cup,
And don't spill wine,
For if you do
'jTis an ill sign.—Herrick.
TO THE PAST
(2203) Drink! Drink! To whom shall we
drink?
To a friend or a mistress? Come, let
me think.
To those who are absent, or those who
who are here?
To the dead that we loved, or the liv-
ing still dear?
Alas, when I look, I find none of the
last!
The present is barren—let's drink to
the past!—Paulding.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES             119
TO SOBRIETY
(2204)     Then fill a straight and honest cup and
hear it straight to me;
The goblet hallows all it holds,
whate'er the liquid be,
And may the cherubs on its face pro-
tect me from the sin
That dooms one to those dreadful
words:
"My dear, where have you been?"
—Oliver Wendell Holmes.
(2205)    And here's to thane and yeoman,
Drink, lads, drink!
To horseman and to bowman,
Clink, jugs, clink!
To lofty and to low man,
Who bears a grudge to no man,
But flinches from no foeman,
Drink, lads, drink!
# * *
(2206)     I drink as the fates ordain it,
Come, fill it, and have done with
rhymes;
Fill up the lonely glass and drain it
In memory of good old times,
—Thackeray.
120
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
(2207)    We meet 'neath the sounding rafter,
And the walls around us are bare;
As they echo our peals of laughter
It seems that the dead are there.
But stand to your glasses steady,
We drink to our comrades' eyes;
Quaff a cup to the dead already,
And hurrah for the next that dies.
—Old Army Toast.
(2208)            Along, come along,
Let's meet in a throng
Here of tinkers;
Let's quaff up a bowl
As big as a cowl
To beer drinkers!
* * *
(2209)    May the beam in the glass never de>
stroy the ray in the mind.
TOBACCO
(2210)    Blessings on old Raleigh's head,
Though upon the block it fell;
For the knowledge he first spread
Of the herb I love so well!
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES             121
TO OUR GUEST
(2211)    Come in the evening, or come in the
morning—
Come when you're looked for or come
without warning;
!A thousand welcomes you'll find here
before you!
And the oftener you come here the
more we'll adore you!
*     * *
(2212)    May the Spring-time of life never be
visited by the Winter of despair.
*     * *
(2213)    Drink to-day and drown all sorrow;
You shall, perhaps, not drink to-
morrow;
Best, while you have it, use your
breath,
There is no drinking after death.
—Beaumont and Fletcher.
*     * *
(2214)    May you live as long as you like and
have all you like as long as you live.
122            TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
(2215)         Fill the bumper fair;
Every drop we sprinkle
O'er the brow of care
Smooths away a wrinkle.
(2216)    Drink—and the world drinks with
you; swear off, and you drink alone!
*     * *
(2217)    May we seek the society of woman but
never chase her pleasure away.
*     * *
(2218)     Here's to Love—the only fire against
which there is no insurance.
(2219)     Here's a toast to all who are here,
No matter where you're from;
May the best day you have seen
Be worse than your worst to come.
$F         ^P         V
(2220)     May our wants be so few as to enable
us to relieve the wants of our friends.
(2221)    Here's to a long life and a merry one \
A quick death and a painless one;
A pretty girl and a loving one;
A cold bottle—and another one.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES            128
(2222)    Here's to blue eyes, brown eyes, to
hazel eyes and gray;
But what are the eyes I drink to to-
day—
No matter the color; O, here's to the
eye
That laughs when I laugh, and cries
when I cry!
*     * *
(2223)    May neither time nor tide make us un-
faithful even if they make us unfortunate.
(2224)    May farewells be forgotten, welcomes
perpetuated.
*     * #
(2225)    Here's to those who love us,
And here's to those who don't,
A smile for those who are willing to
And a tear for those who won't.
*     * *
(2226)    May the memory of past blessings pre-
serve a hope of future fortune.
(2227)    May the bloom of the face never ex-
tend to the nose.
124            TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
(2228)    I wish thee health,
I wish thee wealth,
I wish thee gold in store,
I wish thee heaven upon earth—
What could I wish thee more?
*    * *
(2229)    A woman is only a woman, hut a good
cigar's a smoke.—Kipling.
*    * *
TO TOBACCO
(2230)    Let the learned talk of books,
The glutton of cooks,
The lover of Celia's soft smack—O!
No mortal can boast
So noble a toast
As a pipe of accepted tobacco!
—Fielding.
*     * *
A WOMAN'S TOAST
(2231)     Oh, here's to the good, and the bad
men, too,
For without them saints would have
nothing to do!
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES             125
Oh, I love them both, and I love them
well,
But which I love better, I never can
tell.
PROHIBITION LAMENT
(2282) Ship me somewhere east of Suez,
where the best is like the worst,
Where there aren't no ten command-
ments an' a man can raise a thirst.
—Kipling.
(2233)    Here's to the land we love and the
"love" we "land."
*     * *
(2234)    A full tumbler to every good fellow
and a good tumble to every bad one.
*     * *
(2235)    The hand that rocks the cradle
Is the hand that rules the earth—
But the hand that folds four aces!
Bet on it for all you're worth.
126            TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
(2236)     Then fill the bowl, away with care,
Our joys shall always last;
Our hopes shall brighten days to come,
And memory gild the past.—Moore.
(2237)    To Woman's weapons—water-drops.
TO OUR GUEST
(2238)    Thou art ever a favored guest
In every fair and brilliant throng—
£To wit like thine to make the jest,
No voice like thine to breathe the-
song.—Moore.
* # #
(2239)    May our friendships, like our wine,
improve as time advances.
TO THE COOKS
(2240)    We may live without poetry, music 4
and art,
We may live without conscience and
live without heart;
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES           127
We may live without friends; we may
live without books;
But civilized man cannot live with-
out cooks.—Meredith.
*    * #
(2241)    We'll drink to-night with hearts as
light,
To loves as gay and fleeting
As bubbles that swim on the beaker's
brim,
And break on the lips while meeting.
*    * *
(2242)    May our purses always be heavy and
our hearts always light.
*    * #
(2243)    And let the loving cup go round,
The cup with blessed memories
crowned,
That flows when e'er we meet, my
boys.
No draught will hold a drop of sin,
If love is only well stirred in
To keep it sound and sweet, my boys,
To keep it sound and sweet.—Holmes.
128            TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
(2244)    At all your feasts, remember too,
When cups are sparkling to the
brim
That there is one who drinks to you,
And oh! as warmly drink to him.
CHRISTMAS TOAST
(2245)    Come bring with a noise,
My merry, merry boys,
The Christmas log to the firing,
While my good dame, she
Bids ye all to be free,
And drink to your heart's desiring.
—Herrick.
See Quotations Nos. 2291 to 2293.
*      * *
(2246)    Drink to-day, and drown all sorrow;
You shall perhaps no do't to-morrow.
*      * *
TO THE CIGAR
(2247)    Divine in hookas, glorious in pipe, '
When tipped with amber, mellow, rich
and ripe,
Like other charmers, wooing the caress
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES           129
Most dazzlingly when daring in full
dress;
Yet thy true lovers most admire by far
Thy naked beauties—Give me a cigar!
—Byron.
*     * *
(2248)    Fill high the goblet! Envious Time
Steals, as we speak, our fleeting
prime.
*     * *
(2249)    When Fortune smiles may we never
squander her favors.
» * *
(2260) Drink and live here happy while ye
may;
To-morrow is too late—live but to-day.
(2251) May wine brighten the rays of friend-
ship but never diminish its luster.
i
PART TWO
Verse and Prose Quotations from Famous
Authors for Use on Appropriate Occasions.
ABSENCE
(2252) The joys of meeting pay the pangs of
absence,
Else who could bear it?—Howe.
# * *
AGE (See No. 8001).
(2253)    Men of age object too much, consult
too long, adventure too little, repent too soon,
and seldom drive business home to the full
period but content themselves with a medi-
ocrity of success.—Bacon.
* # *
(2254)    As I approve of a youth that has
something of the old man in him, so I am no
less pleased with an old man that has some-
thing of the youth.—Cicero.
(2255) Age is opportunity no less
Than youth itself, though in another
dress
133
184           TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
And as the evening twilight fades
away
The sky is filled with stars, invisible by
day.—Longfellow.
*    * *
(2256)    His silver hairs
Will purchase us a good opinion,
And buy men's voices to commend our
deeds.—Shakespeare.
*    * *
(2257)    A good gray head which all men knew.
—Tennyson.
ACQUAINTANCES
(2258)     If a man does not make new acquaint-
ances as he advances through life he will soon
find himself left alone. A man should keep
his friendship in constant repair.—Johnson.
*    * *
ACTION
(2259)    Action is eloquence, and the eyes of
the ignorant are more learned than their ears.
—Shakespeare.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES           135
(2260)     The end of man is an action and not a
thought, though it were the noblest.—Carlyle.
*     * #
ADVICE (See Nos. 3000, 3147).
*      * *
(2261)     The worst men often give the best ad-
vice.—Bailey.
*      * *
AMBITION" (See No. 3037)
(2262)     Most people would succeed in small
things if they were not troubled with great
ambitions.—Longfellow.
#     * *
(2263)     Men would be angels, angels would be
gods.—Pope.
#     * *
(2264)    I have no spur
To prick the sides of my intent, but
only
136           TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
Vaulting ambition; which o'erleaps
itself,
And falls on the other.—Shakespeare.
(2265)    Ambition has no rest.
—Bultver-Lytton.
*    # #
ANGER (See No. 3062).
*    * •
(2266)     Nursing her wrath to keep it warm.
*    * *            —Burns.
(2267)    But curb thou the high spirit in thy
breast,
For gentle ways are best, and keep
aloof
From sharp contentions.—Bryant.
*    * #
(2268)    Beware the fury of a patient man.
*    * *         —Dryden.
(2269)     Touch me with noble anger!
And let not women's weapon, water-
drops,
Stain my man's cheeks.—Shakespeare.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES           187
APPETITE (See Nos. 3060, 3061).
(2270)    Now good digestion wait on appetite,
And health on both!—Shakespeare.
(2271)     Gazed around them to the left and
right
With prophetic eye of appetite.
—Byron.
*    * #
(2272)    Appetite comes with eating, says
Angeston.—Rabelais.
*    * *
BEAUTY (See Nos. 3006, 3007).
(2273)     Thou who hast
The fatal gift of beauty.—Byron.
*    * *
(2274)    Old as I am, for ladies' love unfit
The power of beauty I remember yet,
Which once inflam'd my soul, and still
inspires my wit.—Dryden.
138            TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
(2275)    Nature was here so lavish of her store,
That she bestow'd until she had no
more.—Lee.
*     * #
(2276)     She stood a sight to make an old man
young.—Tennyson.
*     * *
(2277)     Thoughtless of beauty, she was beauty
itself.—Thomson.
*     * *
(2278)     Her beauty makes
This vault a feasting presence full of
light.—Shakespeare.
*     # #
(2279)     Beautiful in form and feature,
Lovely as the day,
Can there be so fair a creature
Formed of common clay.
—Longfellow.
*     * *
BLUSHES
(2280)     Come, quench your blushes; and pre-
sent yourself
That which you are, mistress o' the
feast.—Shakespeare.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES            139
(2281)    A blush is no language; only a dubious
flag-signal which may mean either of two con-
tradictories.—George Eliot.
*     * #
CANDOR
(2282)    As frank as rain on cherry blossoms.
—E. B. Browning.
*     * *
CHARACTER
(2283)     Everyone is as God made him and
oftentimes a good deal worse.—Cervantes.
*     * *
(2284)     Many men build as cathedrals were
built, the part nearest the ground finished; but
that part which soars toward heaven, the tur-
rets and the spires, forever incomplete.
—Henry Ward Beecher.
*     * *
(2285)    Handsome is that handsome does.
—Goldsmith.
*     * *
(2286)    None knew thee but to love thee,
None named thee but to praise.
—Halleck.
140            TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
(2287)    Worth makes the man, and want of it
the fellow,
The rest is all hut leather or prunella.
*    * *                  "ope.
(2288)    I am called away by particular busi-
ness, but I leave my character behind me.
*    * * —Sheridan.
(2289)    Who knows nothing base
Fears nothing known.
—Owen Meredith.
(2290)    When a man dies they who survive him
ask what property he has left behind. The
angel who bends over him asks what good
deeds he has sent before him.—From the
Koran.                   0 # #
CHRISTMAS (See No. 2245).
(2291)    The mistletoe hung in the castle hall,
The holly branch shone on the old oak
wall.—Bayly.
*     * *
(2292)    Be merry all, be merry all,
With holly dress the festive hall;
Prepare the song, the feast, the ball.
To welcome Merry Christmas.
—Spencer.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES           141
(2293)    I heard the bells on Christmas Day
Their old familiar carols play,
And wild and sweet
The words repeat
Of peace on earth, good-will to men I
—Longfellow.
#    * *
COQUETRY
(2294)     Coquetry whets the appetite; flirtation
depraves it. Coquetry is the thorn that guards
the rose—easily trimmed off when once
plucked. Flirtation is like the slime on water-
plants, making them hard to handle, and when
caught only to be cherished in slimy waters.
—Ike Marvel.
*     * *
COURAGE (See Nos. 3031, 3038, 3062, 3087,
3093,3094, 3098).
(2295)    But screw your courage to the sticking
place
And we'll not fail!—Shakespeare.
* * *
(2296)     'Tis more brave to live than to die.
—Meredith.
■i
14.2             TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
EATING (See Nos. 3030, 3050, 3060, 3061).
(2297)    Unquiet meals make ill digestion.
—Shakespeare.
*     * *
(2298)     O Hour, of all hours, the most bless'd
upon earth,
Blessed hour of our dinners!
—Meredith.
*     * *
(2299)     Serenely full, the epicure would say,
Fate cannot harm me, I have dined to-
day.—Sydney Smith.
(2300)     They eat, they drink, and in com-
munion sweet
Quaff immortality and joy.
—Shakespeare.
*     * *
GREATNESS
(2301) Nature never sends a great man into
the planet without confiding the secret to an-
other soul.—Emerson.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES           143
(2802) Great is Youth—equally great is Old
Age—great are Day and Night.
Great is Wealth—great is Poverty—
great is Expression—great is
Silence.—Walt Whitman.
*    * *
(2308) Censure is the tax a man pays to the
public for being eminent.—Swift.
*     * *
(2304)    What millions died that Caesar might
be great!—Shakespeare.
*     * *
GUESTS
(2305)     See, your guests approach:
Address yourself to entertain them
sprightly,
And let's be red with mirth.
—Shakespeare.
*     # *
(2306)    Methinks a father
Is, at the nuptial of his son, a guest
That best becomes the table.
—Shakespeare.
144           TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
HAPPINESS
(2307)    Mankind are always happier for hav-
ing been happy; so that if you make them
happy now, you make them happy twenty
years hence by the memory of it.
—Sydney Smith.
# * *
HONOR
(2308)     Life without love can be borne, but life
without honor, never.
—Anna Katherine Green.

^ft vfc v
(2309)     Honor is purchased by deeds we do;
. . . honor is not won,
Until some honorable deed is done.
—Marlowe.
LOVE (See Nos. 8033, 3034, 3116).
(2310)    Mysterious love, uncertain treasure,
Hast thou more of pain or pleasure!
Endless torments dwell about thee:
Yet who would live, and live without
thee.—A ddison.

TOASTS AND ANECDOTES            145
(2311)    But to see her was to love her,
Love but her, and love forever.
—Robert Burns.
(2312)    Why did she love him ? Curious fool—
be still—
Is human love the growth of human
will?—Byron.
#    * *
(2818) We are all born for love. It is the
principle of existence and its only end.
—Disraeli.
*     * *
(2814)    Why so pale and wan, fond lover,
Prithee, why so pale?
Will, when looking well can't move
her,
Looking ill prevail?
Prithee, why so pale.
—Sir John Suckling.
» * *
MATRIMONY (See Nos. 3089, 3090, 3116,
3144, 8145).
(2815)    Misses! the tale that I relate
This lesson seems to carry,
146           TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
Choose not alone a proper mate,
But proper time to marry.
—Cow per.
*    * *
(2316)    God, the best maker of all marriages,
Combine your hearts in one.
—Shakespeare.
*    * *
(2317)    He that hath a wife and children hath
given hostages to fortune; for they are impedi-
ments to great enterprises, either of virtue or
mischief.—Bacon.
*    * #
(2318)     She is mine own;
And I as rich in having such a jewel
As twenty seas, if all their sand were
pearl.—Shakespeare.
*    * *
PARTING
(2319)    'Tis grievous parting with good com-
pany.—George Eliot.
*    * *
(2320)        Must we part?
Well, if we must—we must—
And in that case
The less said the better.—Sheridan.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES             147
PATRIOTISM
(2321)     Be just, and fear not:
Let all the ends thou aim'st at be thy
country's,
Thy God's and truth's; then if thou
fall'st, O Cromwell,
Thou fall'st a blessed martyr.
—Shakespeare.
*     * #
(2322)    We join ourselves to no party that
does not carry the flag and keep step to the
music of the Union.—Rufus Choate.
*     * *
(2323)    A Briton, even in love,
Should be a subject, not a slave.
—Wordsworth.
PHILOSOPHY
(2324.) O Philosophy, thou guide of life and
discoverer of virtue!—Cicero.
*     * #
POPULARITY
(2325) The ladies call him sweet:
The stairs, as he treads on them, kiss
his feet.—Shakespeare.
148             TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
SPEECH (See Nos. 3053, 3123).
(2326)    Let him be sure to leave other men
their turns to speak.—Bacon.
*     * *
(2327)    Discretion of speech is more than elo-
quence; and to speak agreeably to him with
whom we deal, is more than to speak in good
words, or in good order.—Bacon.
*     # *
(2328)    The true use of speech is not so much
to express our wants as to conceal them.
—Goldsmith.
*     * *
STRENGTH
(2829) O, it is excellent
To have a giant's strength, but it is
tyrannous
To use it like a giant.—Shakespeare.
*     * *
SUCCESS
(2330) The race by vigor, not by vaunts is
won.—Pope.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES            149
SYMPATHY
(2831) A fellow feeling makes one wondrous
kind.—Herrick.
*    * *
(2332)    The best society and conversation is
that in which the heart has a greater share
than the head.—De La Bruyere.
TALK
(2333)    Pray thee, let it serve for table talk;
Then, howso'er thou speak'st, 'mong
other things
I shall digest it.—Shakespeare.
*    # *
TRUTH
(2384) Speak truly, shame the devil.
Beaumont and Fletcher.
*    * *
(2335)    No pleasure is comparable to the
standing upon the vantage ground of Truth.
—Bacon.
*    * »
(2336)     Truth has rough flavors if we bite it
through.—George Eliot.
150            TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
(2337)    Plain truth needs no flowers of speech.
—Pope.
#     * *
(2338)    He is the free-man who the truth
makes free,
And all are slaves besides.—Cowper.
#     * *
(2339)    Truth is the summit of being; justice
is the application of it to affairs.—Emerson.
VICTORY
(2340)    Peace with her victories
No less renown'd than War.—Milton.
#     * *
(2341)     Self conquest is the greatest of vic-
tories.—Plato.
#     * #
(2842) To do is to succeed—our fight
Is wag'd in Heaven's approving
sight—
The smile of God is Victory!
—Whittier.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES            151
(2343)     "But what good came of it at last?"
Quoth little Peterkin.
"Why, that I cannot tell," said he;
"But 'twas a famous victory."
—Southey.
(2344)    A victory is twice itself when the
achiever brings home full numbers.
—Shakespeare.
#     * *
VIRTUE
(2345)    Virtue is like a rich stone, best plain
set.                                                 —Bacon.
(2346)     Virtue is not left to stand alone. He
who practices it will have neighbors.
—Confucius.
(2347)     God sure esteems the growth and com-
pleting of one virtuous person more than the
restraining of ten vicious.—Milton.
*     * *
(2348)    There is nothing that is meritorious
tut virtue and friendship; and indeed friend-
ship itself is only a part of virtue.—Pope.
152           TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
(2349) Virtue alone outbuilds the Pyramids;
Her monuments shall last when
Egypt's fall.—Young.
*     * *
(2850)     Virtue, though in rags, will keep me
warm.—Dryden.
*     * *
VOICE
(2851)     Her voice was ever soft,
Gentle, and low; an excellent thing in
woman.—Shakespeare.
WAR
(2352)     All the gods go with you! Upon your
sword
Sit laurel victory, and smooth success
Be strew'd before your feet!
—Shakespeare.
*     * *
(2353)     Black it stood as night,
Fierce as ten furies, terrible as hell,
And shook a dreadful dart.—Milton.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES           153
(2364) To be prepared for war is one of the
most effectual ways of preserving peace.
—George Washington.
*     * *
(2355) War, that mad game the world so
loves to play.—Swift.
*    * #
(2856) Nothing except a battle lost can be
half so melancholy as a battle won.
—Duke of Wellington.
*     * *
WATER
(2357) Till taught by pain,
Men really knew not what good
water's worth;
If you had been in Turkey or in Spain,
Or with a famished boat's crew had
your berth,
Or in a desert heard the camel's bell,
You'd wish yourself where Truth is—
in a well.—Byron.
154            TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
WELCOME
(2358)     The atmosphere
Breathes rest and comfort, and the
many chambers
Seem full of welcome.—Longfellow.
*    * »
(2359)    I hold your dainties cheap, sir, and
your welcome dear.—Shakespeare.
*    * *
(2360)     Sir, you are very welcome to our house;
It must appear in other ways than
words,
Therefore, I scant this breathing cour-
tesy.—Shakespeare.
*    * *
(2361)     Small cheer and great welcome make
a merry feast.—Shakespeare.
*    * *
WIFE (See Nos. 3H4, 3145).
(2362)     But thou dost make the very night
itself
Brighter than the day.—Longfellow.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES           188
(2363) How much the wife is dearer than the
bride!—Lord Lyttelton.
*     * *
(2864) Of earthly goods, the best is a good
wife;
A bad, the bitterest curse of human
life.—Simonides.
*     * *
(2365)    You are my true and honorable wife;
As dear to me as the ruddy drops
That visit my heart.—Shakespeare.
*     * *
(2366)    What is there in the vale of life
Half so delightful as a wife;
When friendship, love and peace com-
bine
To stamp the marriage-bond divine?
*    * *         —Cowper.
(2867) All other goods by Fortune's hand are
given,
A wife is the peculiar gift of heaven.
*    * *             —Pope.
(2368) The wife is a constellation of virtues;
she's the moon, and thou art the man in the
moon!—Congreve.
156           TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
WISDOM
(2369)    A wise man in the company of those
who are ignorant has been compared by the
sages to a beautiful girl in the company of
blind men.—Saadi.
*    * *
(2370)    As for me, all that I know is that I
know nothing.—Seneca.
*    * *
(2371)    Knowledge comes, but wisdom lingers.
—Tennyson.
*    * *
WIT (See Nos. 314,6 to 3166).
(2372)    The next best thing to being witty
one's-self is to be able to quote another's wit.
—Bovee.
*    * *
(2373)     I love a teeming wit as I lore my nour-
ishment.—Ben Jonson.
*    * *
(2374)    Wit and humor belong to genius alone.
—Cervantes.
*    * *
(2375)    Wit is the salt of conversation, not the
food.—Hazliti.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES            157
(2376)    Wit is a dangerous weapon, even to
the possessor, if he know not how to handle it
discreetly.—Montaigne.
*     * *
(2377)     Since brevity is the soul of wit,
And tediousness the limbs and out-
ward flourishes,
I will be brief.—Shakespeare.
*     * *
(2378)    Wit consists of knowing the resem-
• blance of things which differ and the difference
of things which are alike.—Madame de Stael.
*     * *
(2379)    Whose wit in the combat, gentle as
bright,
Ne'er carries a heart-stain away on its
blade.—Moore.
*     * *
WOMAN
(2380)     I've seen your stormy seas and stormy
women,
And pity lovers rather than the sea-
men!—Byron.
158
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
(2381) Oh, woman, perfect woman! What
distraction
Was meant to mankind when thou
wast made a devil
What an inviting hell inventor!
—Beaumont and Fletcher.
*     * *
(2582) A. woman is like—but stay,
What a woman is like, who can say?
There's no living with, or without one;
She's like nothing on earth but a
woman!—Hoare.
*     * *
(2383) Earth's noblest thing, a woman per-
fected.—James Russell Lowell.
*     * #
Disguise our bondage as we will,
'Tis woman, woman rules us still.
—Tom Moore.
*      * *
And when a woman's in the case,
You know all other things give place.
—Gay.
*      * *
(2886) The beauty of a lovely woman is like
music—George Eliot.
(2384)
(2385)
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES           159
(2387) The most beautiful object in the world,
it will be allowed, is a beautiful woman.
*    # # —Macaulay.
(2888) O, woman! in our hours of ease,
Uncertain, coy, and hard to please,
And variable as the shade
By the light quivering aspen made:
When pain and anguish wring the
brow,
A ministering angel thou!—Scott.
*     * #
(2389)    All the reasonings of men are not
worth one sentiment of women.—Voltaire.
*     * *
WOOING
(2390)    That man that hath a tongue, I say is
no man,
If with his tongue he cannot win a
woman.—Shakespeare.
*     * *
(2391)    Win her with gifts if she respect not
words;
Dumb jewels, often in their silent kind,
More quick than words, do move a
woman's mind.—Shakespeare.
160            TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
WORDS
(2392)     Such as thy words are, such will thy
affections be esteemed; and such will thy deeds
as thy affections; and such thy life as thy
deeds.—Socrates.
*    * *
WORK
(2393)    Blessed is he who has found his life's
work; let him ask no other blessedness. He
has a work; a life purpose; he has found it and
will follow it.—Carlyle.
*    * *
(2394)    God did anoint thee with his odorous
oil,
To wrestle, not to reign.
—E. B. Browning.
*    * *
(2395)    It is better to wear out than to rust
out.—Bishop Home.
*    * *
(2396)    Work first, and then rest.—RusMn.
*    * *
(2397)    And still be doing, never done.
—Butler.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES             161
YOUTH (See Nos. 3010, 3011, 3012).
(2398)     The morning of life is like the dawn
of day, full of purity, of imagery and har-
mony.—Chateaubriand.
*     » *
(2399)    Youth holds no society with grief.
—Euripides.
*     • *
(2400)    To be young was very Heaven!
—Wordsworth.
*     » *
(2401)    How beautiful is Youth! how bright
it gleams
With its illusions, aspirations, dreams!
Book of Beginnings, Story without
End,
Each maid a heroine, and each man
a friend!—Longfellow.
*    * »
T
PART THREE
PROVERBS
Old and Honored Adages That Often Make a
Desired Point More Fittingly Than
Pure Rhetoric
PROVERBS
(2402)    Fortune assists the bold and repels the
coward. (Latin)
*     * *
(2403)    A blow from a frying pan, if it does
not hurt, smuts. (English)
*     * *
(2404)    The giver makes the gift more pre-
cious. (Latin)
*     • *
(2405)    He who hunts two hares leaves one
and loses the other. (Japanese)
*     * *
(2406)    It is a hard winter when one wolf eats
another. (French)
*     * *
(2407)    Hope is the dream of a man awake.
*     * *
(2408)     Silence is a virtue of those who are
not wise.
166
166            TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
(2409)    A good swordsman is never quarrel-
some.
*     * *
(2410)    A thousand probabilities cannot make
one truth.
*     * *
(24ii) A wise man reflects before he speaks;
a fool speaks and then reflects on what he has
uttered. (French)
*     * *
(2412)    Better the end of a feast than the
beginning of a fray.
*     * *
(2413)    Every path hath its puddle. (Eng-
lish)
» * #
(2414)    Better ask twice than lose your way
once. (English)
*     * *
(2415)    Beauty draws more than oxen,
(Dutch)
*     * *
(2416)    Civil language costs little and doe's
good.
*     * *
(2417)    Be silent or say something better than
silence. (Scotch)
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES            167
(2418)     Better to give the wool than the sheep.
(Dutch)
*     * ♦
(2419)     Consult with the old and fence with
the young.
*     # *
(2420)    A field has three needs: good weather,
good seed and a good husbandman.
*     * *
(2421)    Two much dispute puts the truth to
flight. (Italian)
*     # *
(2422)    A gift long waited for is sold, not
given.
(2428) Years teach more than books.
*     * #
(2424)    Walk too fast and stumble over
nothing.
*     * *
(2425)    He who has the reputation for rising
early may sleep till noon.
168           TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
(2426)     To know the value of money, borrow
it. (French)
*    * *
(2427)     All time is lost which might better be
employed.
*    * *
(2428)     Nobility has its obligations.
*    * *
(2429)     The understanding is always the dupe
of the heart.
*     * *
(2430)    Hypocrisy is the homage vice pays to
virtue.
*     * *
(2431)     The secret of tiring people is to say
all that can be said.
*     * *
(2432)    The absent are always at fault.
(2433)    At night all cats are gray.
M
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES            169
(2434)     The weakness of the enemy makes our
strength.
*    * *
(2435)    Do not speak of a rope in the house
of one who was hanged.
*    * *
(2436)    He beats the bush and another catches
the bird.
*     » *
(2437)    In a free country there is much clamor
but little suffering.
*     * #
(2438)    Every bird likes his own nest.
*     * *
(2439)    He who serves the public obliges no-
body.
*     * *
(2440)    Let him that hath no heart have legs.
(Latin)
*     * *
(2441)    A hare is not caught with a drum.
(French)
170           TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
(2442) Few persons know how to be old.
*     * *
(2448) Welcome mischief, if thou comest
alone. (Spanish)
*     * *
(2444)     Take a vine of good soil and a daugh-
ter of a good mother. (Italian)
*     * #
(2445)    It is a bad cause that none dare speak
in.
*     * *
(2446)    Large trees give more shade than
fruit.
(2447)    Neither reprove nor flatter your wife
where anyone can hear or see.
*     * #
(2448)    Let not the shoemaker get beyond his
last. (English)
(2449)    Far from Jupiter, far from thunder.
(Latin)
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES            171
(2450)     The living voice teaches better than
dead books.
*    * •
(2451)    We can live without brothers but not
without friends. (Italian)
*     * *
(2452)    Better to fall from the window than
the roof.
*     » *
(2453)    The wearer knows best where the shoe
hurts. (Portuguese)
*     * •
(2454)     The mother-in-law forgets that she
was a daughter-in-law.
*     # *
(2455)    Life without a friend is death without
a witness.
» • *
(2456)     The best mirror is an old friend.
*     * *
(2457)    Have many acquaintances and few;
friends. (English)
172            TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
(2458)    Many words hurts more than swords.
♦     * *
(2459)    To the hungry no bread is bad.
» * •
(2460)    Beauty without virtue is a flower with-
out perfume.
*      * *
(2461) Discreet women have neither eyes
nor ears.
♦     * •
(2462)    Wisdom consists in knowing one's
follies.
#     » *
(2463)     Policy goes further than strength.
(Latin)
*      * *
(2464)    Adversity makes men; prosperity,
monsters.
*     * •
(2465)     Money is a good servant but<a bad
master.
» * #
(2466)     The imagination gallops while judg-
ment goes on foot.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES            178
(2467)     The skin fits closer than the shirt.
(French)
*    * *
(2468)     Eating little and speaking little can
hurt no man.
*    * *
(2469)    Experience and wisdom are the two
best fortune tellers.
*     * •
(2470)    Forgive every man's faults except
your own.
*     • »
(2471)    Go to the country to hear the news
of the town.
*     * *
(2472)    Hasty climbers have sudden falls.
(German)
*     * *
(2473)    Have money and you will have kin-
dred enough.
*     * •
(2474)    Good Fortune comes to him who
makes her welcome.
*     # »
(2476) Good wine needs no crier. (French)
i
174           TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
(2476)    He is rich who is contented.
*    * *
(2477)     He goes not out of his way who visits
a good host.
*     » *
(2478)    He is truly happy who can make
others happy. (English)
*      * *
(2479)    Fools make feasts and wise men eat
them.
» • ♦
(2480)    Desperate cuts have desperate cures.
(Danish)
*     * ♦
(2481)    Don't scuffle with the potter for he
makes money by the damage.
*      * *
(2482)     Marry your son when you please and
your daughter when you can.
*     # *
(2483)    Men with little business are great
talkers. (French)
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES            175
(2484)    Brothers quarrel like thieves inside a
house, but outside their swords leap out in each
other's defense. (Japanese)
*     * *
(2485)    Love and smoke cannot be hidden.
*     * #
(2486)     Patience is bitter but its fruit is sweet.
*     * *
(2487)    Love makes the clever foolish and the
foolish clever.
*     * *
(2488)     The charms of the wit excite admira-
tion; those of the heart impress esteem; and
those of the body lead to love. (French)
*     * *
(2489)     It belongs only to great men to possess
great defects.
*     * *
(2490)     There is an eel under every rock.
176            TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
(2491)    The cat loves fish hut will not wet her
paws. (Latin)
*    * *
(2492)    We learn by teaching, (Latin)
*    * »
(2493)    A good name is better than a girdle
of gold.
*     * *
(2494)    A good lawyer is a bad neighbor.
*     * *
(2498) Women laugh when they can and
weep when they will.
*     * *
(2496)     Never mind what ought to be done—
what can be done?
*     * *
(2497)    It is easy to go on foot when one has a
horse by the bridle.
*     * »
(2498)     Love, knavery and necessity make men
good orators.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES            177
(2499)    Lock your door and keep your neigh-
bor honest.
*     * ♦
(2500)    Lies have short legs but long wings.
(French)
*     * *
(2501)    Nothing is more like an honest man
than a rogue.
*     * *
(2502)    No one has ever repented of having
held his tongue.
*     * *
(2503)    No man is the worse for knowing the
worst of himself. (Spanish)
*     * *
(2504)    No barber shaves so close but what
another finds work.
*     * *
(2505)    The leg of a lark is worth the body
of a kite.
*     * *
(2506)    Pour not water on a drowned mouse.
(Italian)
178            TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
(2507)    Reprove others but correct thyself,
(English)
*     * *
(2508)    An ounce of weight is worth a ton of
melancholy.
*     * *
(2509)    One sword keeps another in the scab-
bard.
« # *
(2510)     Pardon others but not thyself.
*     * *
(2511)    A master sees more than four servants.
(Danish)
*     * *
(2512)     Oil and truth will get uppermost at
last.
*     * *
(2513)     Once in every ten years a man needs
his neighbor.
*     * *
(2514)    Nothing is so hard to bear well as
prosperity.
*     * *
(2515)    Of saving comes having.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES            179
(2516)    Little said, sooner mended.
*    * *
(2517)    Love thy neighbor, but do not pull
down thy hedge. (English)
*    * •
(2518)     Let every man praise the bridge he
goes over.
*     * •
(2519)    Nothing is impossible to a willing
mind.
*     * #
(2520)    Love lives in cottages as well as in
castles.
*     • *
(2521)     Love and lordship like no fellowship.
*     * *
(2522)     In all contentions put the bridle on
your tongue.
*     * *
(2523)     Keep counsel of thyself first.
180            TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
(2524)    There is more delight in hope than
enjoyment. (Japanese)
*     * *
(2525)     Skilful workmen need not travel far.
*     * *
(2526)    Daylight will peep through a very
small hole.
*     * *
(2527)     The heaviest rains fall on the leaky-
house.
*     * *
v(2528) Better no pills than a dull doctor.
*     * *
(2529)     It is better to give one shilling than
lend twenty. (English)
*     * *
(2530)    In a calm sea every man is a pilot.
*     * *
(2531)    Manners make the man.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES            181
(2532)    It is more painful to do nothing than
something.
*    * »
(2533)    He who would deceive the fox must
rise early.
*      * *
(2534)    He is my friend who grinds at my mill.
(Spanish)
*      * *
(2535)    He is fool enough himself who will
bray against another ass.
*     • #
(2536)    Fools worship mules that carry gold.
*      * *
(2537)    He that will eat the kernel must crack
the nut. (Latin)
*      * *
(2538)    He buys honey dear who has to lick
it off thorns.
*     ♦ *
(2539)    a man with a sour face should not
open a shop.
182            TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
(2540)    The man once bitten by a snake fears
every piece of rope.
*     ♦ #
(2541)     If a workman sleeps away goes his
job, if a tiger sleeps off goes its hide.
*     * *
(2542)    The face is the index of the mind.
(Latin)
*     * *
(2543)     A scalded cat fears cold water.
(French)
*     * *
(2544)     From the hand to the mouth the soup
is often lost.
*     * »
(2545)     To be poor without being free is the
worst state into which man can fall.
*• * *
(2546)     Laughing is not proof of an easy
mind.
*     * #
(2547)    An empty purse and a new house
make a man wise, but too late. (Portuguese)
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES           188
(2548)    He that lives in hope dances without
music.
#    * #
(2549)    He who defers his charities till his
death is liberal with another man's rather than
with his own.
#    * *
(2550)     He that strikes with the tongue must
ward with the head.
(2551)     Let us be friends and put out the
devil's eye.
(2552)    Who eats dinner alone must saddle his
horse alone. (Spanish)
*    # #
(2553)    When a friend asks there is no to-
morrow.
(2554.) Better the donkey that carries me than
the horse that throws me.
*     * *
(2555) After praising the wine they sell us
vinegar. (Spanish)
184           TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
(2556) It is better to be the beak of a hen
than the tail of an ox.
*    * *
(2567) A hasty man never wants woe,
*     * *
(2558)    Better go about than fall into the
ditch.
*     * *
(2559)    Hope is the poor man's bread.
*     * *
(2560)    He who gives advice is not often with
a headache. (Italian)
*    * #
(2561)    Truth is the daughter of time.
*     * *
(2562)    Even washing charcoal will not make
it white.
*     * *
(2563)    All men are fools, differing only in
degree. (French)
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES           185
(2564.) Every man complains of his memory
but no man complains of his judgment. (Eng-
lish)
*    * *
(2565)    Mettle is dangerous in a blind horse.
*     * #
(2566)     Lucky men need no counsel.
*     * *
(2567)     It is an ill dog that is not worth the
whistling. (English)
*     * *
(2568)    He who would have a mule without
faults must keep none.
*     # *
(2569)     The ass who thinks himself a stag dis-
covers his mistake when he comes to the hurdle.
*     * ♦
(2370) if Jack's in love he's no judge of Jill's
beauty.
186            TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
(2571)    He that pelts every barking dog must
pick up many stones.
(2572)    Fine words do not feed the cat.
#     * *
(2573)    Good preachers give their heaTers
fruit not flowers.
(2574)     Pinch yourself and know how others
feel.
(2575)    Every fire is the same size when it
starts.
(2576)    When puss mourns for the mouse do
not take her seriously.
#     * #
(2577)     He who lies down with the dogs rises
with fleas. (French)
#    * #
(2578)    Little wealth little care.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES            187
(2579)    Many captains and the ship goes on
the rocks.
*    * *
(2580)    If the sky falls we shall catch larks.
*    * *
(2581)    Good swimmers are drowned at last.
*     * *
(2582)    Handsome apples are sometimes sour.
*     * *
(2583)     Gossips and frogs drink and talk.
(English)
*     * *
(2584)    More die from gluttony than hunger.
*     * ♦
(2585)    Fair flowers do not remain long by
the roadside.
*     * *
(2586)    Fetters of gold are still fetters, and
silken cords pinch.
188            TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
(2587)    Give a wise man a hint and he will do
the business well.
*    * »
(2588)    He dances well to whom Fortune
pipes. (Dutch)
(2589)    Give neither counsel nor salt till you
are asked for it.
*     * *
(2590)     Gentility without ability is worse than
beggary. (English)
*     * *
(2591)    Fair words and foul deeds deceive wise
men as well as fools.
*     * *
(2592)    A word and a stone let go cannot be
recalled.
*     * *
(2593)    Apes remain apes though you clothe
them in velvet.
*     * #
(2594)    Be ye the last to cross the deep river.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES            189
(2595)    Beware of the man who does not talk
and the dog that does not bark.
*    » *
(2596)    The bosoms of the wise are the tombs
of secrets.
*     * *
(2597)    Learning without wisdom is a load of
books on an ass's back.
*     * #
(2598)    Before you mount look to the girth.
(Italian)
*     * *
(2599)     Confession of faults makes half
amends. (English)
*     * *
(2600)     The largest snake has no terrors for
the smallest eagle.
*     * #
(2601)    Friends are like fiddle strings, they
must not be drawn too tight.
*     # *
(2602)    There is nothing new except what has
been forgotten.
190            TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
(2603)    The blind eat many flies.
*    * *
(2604)     He that sleepeth biteth nobody.
(English)
*     * *
(2605)     Better belly burst than good drink
lost. (French)
(2606)     The same knife cuts both bread and
the finger.
*     * *
(2607)     The taste of the kitchen is better than
the smell.
*     * *
(2608)    A bald head is soon shaven.
*     # *
(2609)    Fair words make me look to my purse.
(2610)     Kings and bears often worry their
keepers. (Dutch)
(2611)    Let the church stand in the church-
yard.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES            191
(2612)     A close mouth catches no flies.
*     * *
(2613)     Little boats keep the shore, larger
ships may venture more.
*     * #
(2614)     A cough will stick longer by a horse
than a peck of oats.
*     * *
(2615)     Nothing turns more sour than milk.
(English)
*     * *
(2616)     God deliver me from a man of one
book.
*     * *
(2617)     More flies are taken with a drop of
honey than a gallon of vinegar.
*    * *
(2618)     Say nothing of debts unless you mean
to pay them.
*     # *
(2619)     Mud chokes no eels.
192           TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
(2620)    A fencer always has one trick he has
not taught his pupil.
*    * *
(2621)    We are all Adam's children but silk
makes the difference.
*    * *
(2622)     If you would have your hen lay you
must bear the cackling.
*    * »
(2623)    The thief is sorry to be hanged, not
to be a thief.
(2624)     Some are brave who are afraid to run.
(French)
*    * *
(2625)     The belly hates a long sermon.
(French)
*    # *
(2626)     Cheat me in the price but not in the
goods. (English)
(2627)    A small bird wants but a small nest.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES            193
(2628)    'Tis a foolish sheep that makes the
wolf his confessor.
*    * *
(2629)    A bird is known by its note; a man by
his talk. (English)
*     * *
(2630)     The noisy drum contains nothing but
air. (English)
*     * *
(2631)    Faults are thick where love is thin.
SECTION III
HISTORICAL ANECDOTES
Selected and Arranged for the Use of Toast-
masters and Speakers
I
HISTORICAL ANECDOTES
The value of the Anecdote is not to be
under-estimated by the speaker who seeks to
catch and hold the interest of the audience.
To the Toastmaster the appropriate story, the
story with a hearty laugh or a witty applica-
tion, is often a life saver. After people have
been confined to their chairs for any length
of time listening to a tiresome speaker, a long-
winded orator, a lame talker or, even, to a
good speaker whose remarks have been dra-
matic, pathetic, very intellectual or very tense,
it is highly necessary that they should relax
for a moment.
The shuffling of feet, clearing of throats and
buzz of comment that follow the cessation of
a talk or the applause accorded it are bits of
outward, physical relaxation. The pat anec-
dote often does for the mind what this activity
does for the body. It is, therefore, one means
197
198             TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
by which the Toastmaster can win the friend-
ship of his audience.
Anecdotes, too, can be effectively used in
introductions and even in concluding remarks
if they are chosen with good taste and pre-
sented with that necessary degree of polish.
The speaker himself can also capitalize the
good anecdote in more ways than one. No
matter how ancient is the custom of beginning
one's remarks with a story, it is nevertheless
an excellent way to begin. Naturally, the less
stereotyped your method, the better it will be
received. But the point is that the function
of the anecdote is to capture the attention of
the listeners and convert that attention into
interest.
Most speakers of course, favor the story
with a light touch to it and resort to what we
might call "plain jokes" for their lead-off an-
ecdotes. The risk here is that inasmuch as
nothing has a greater circulation than a joke,
you run the chance of repeating a stale story
that your audience, or a large portion of it,
has already heard. Even though you apolo-
gize for the joke with some preliminary words
to the effect that "you may have heard this
one," that does not sharpen the point one bit.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES             199
Greater safety surrounds the field of his-
torical anecdotes. After we eliminate the
standard tales about Washington and Lincoln
we find that fewer people have ever heard of
the average good anecdote than have heard
the average good joke. And the beauty of it
is that the anecdote can be humorous, ridicu-
lous, farcial or it can be serious, dramatic,
thrilling or pathetic. Furthermore, it carries
with it a certain amount of "self proof" or
authenticity. If you use an anecdote about "a
certain man in Kansas City," it will have to
be easily acceptable to reason and belief or
else your listeners will reject it "as made up
for the occasion." But even an unreasonable
story about an established character in history
is often accepted on its own face by virtue
of the fact that it can, at least, be verified
if the doubter cares to take the trouble to do it.
Historical anecdotes, therefore, carry more
weight. They are more readily accepted.
And, finally, they are entertained with much
more interest and live much longer in the hear-
er's mind because people are always inter-
ested in the lives, especially the intimate lives,
of prominent personages.
But the attention-getting and interest-
200             TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
creating value of the historical anecdote is not
its only virtue. The casual recital of an inci-
dent not commonly known clothes the speaker
with a certain amount of atmosphere which
cannot he attained so easily in any other way.
Acquaintance with facts establishes one more
or less firmly in the mind of a crowd, and if a
speaker is out for anything more than mere
entertainment, it behooves him to become
established firmly just as rapidly as possible.
Last, but not least, the anecdote is priceless
in its ability to dramatize a fact or a theme.
In this respect the Speaker, as distinguished
from the Toastmaster, should never be at a
loss for the most appropriate anecdote. There
is no safer, more indelible way to put over an
impression or a conviction to your audience
than by dramatizing the fact so that out of
many thousands of words of talk delivered to
them on a given occasion they will have one
definite, concrete, tangible story to remember.
The appropriate anecdote, well presented,
serves many ends. That is why we have se-
lected a number to be incorporated in this
book.
ADVICE
(3000)   When Donizetti, composer of "Lucia,"
determined to take up music, his crabbed father
gave him an ivory eraser with the admonition
to "compose as little rubbish as possible." To-
day, more than eighty-five years after its in-
itial performance, we glory in that wonderful
opera and comment on the superfluity of the
father's advice!
See No. 3147. Quotation 2261.
Proverbs Nos. 2414, 2419, 2523, 2560, 2589.
* * *
AGE (Old)
(3001)    Youth is not essential to power. Ma-
dame de Stael was one of France's most
famous social magnets at forty-five; Recaimer
became an idol of the French Royalty at fifty;
Hannah Moore did not attain the peak of her
popularity until her sixtieth birthday had
passed; and when Walpole said that Madame
du Deffand was "the most interesting woman
in all of France," she was eighty—and blind I
See Nos. 3010, 3011, 3112, 3152.
Quotations Nos. 2253 to 2257.
Proverbs Nos. 2419, 2442.
201
202             TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
APPLAUSE
(3002) Lola Montez, the famous Irish dancer
of by-gone days, journeyed to Paris, the goal
of her ambition, after an advance guard of
much publicity had paved the way for her.
Her reputation and her exploits throughout
Europe won for her a big audience on her first
appearance, but, sad to relate, Lola Montez,
no matter what her other charms, could neither
dance nor sing. As a consequence her per-
formance was soon interrupted by jeers and
hisses from the disgusted Parisian audience.
Mad with rage, the Irish Montez shot a
hurried glance around the stage for a conveni-
ent weapon. Nothing in sight, she wavered.
And the loud expressions of disfavor increased
in volume at her pause.
In a trice her left slipper was off. She fired
it blindly into the yawping crowd. It scored.
The right slipper followed close behind. The
hisses diminished. A heavily-buckled garter
■—and then its mate—crashed down on the
nearest bald head in the first row.
And a thunderstorm of applause shook the
very rafters!
Lola Montez, from that minute, was the idol
of France.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES             203
ARGUMENT (Avoiding)
(3003)    When William H. Seward was in the
Upper House of Congress, Senator Judah P.
Benjamin once launched a vicious attack on
Seward personally and on one of Seward's
projects. The tirade lasted for many minutes
and, upon its completion, the Western speaker
retired to his seat, angry and bitter, to await
Seward's retort.
Instead of taking the floor and engaging in
verbal battle with the incensed politician,
Senator Seward strolled casually across the
intervening space and, in his most suave,
genial fashion said:
"Benjamin, give me a cigar. When your
speech has been printed send me two copies."
A few moments later Seward's friends
found him joking with his colleagues in the
cloakroom, puffing contentedly on his oppon-
ent's reluctantly-delivered weed.
* # *
(3004)    John Randolph once made a heated
speech on one of the vital subjects of the day
that went right to the heart of the question
without considering the feelings or the sensi-
bilities of any of its opponents. A deep silence
from the other side greeted this sharp-tongued
204             TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
address and finally, several days later, a friend
reminded him that his remarks had not yet
been answered.
"Sir," said Randolph, in his most curt tone,
"that speech was not made to be answered!"
* * *
(3005) Louis XIV got into an argument one
day with his opponent in a game of back-
gammon. The courtiers surrounding the table,
uncertain as to what course to take, remained
silent while the King expostulated. In the
heat of the discussion one De Grammont en-
tered the room and at sight of him Louis
rushed to his side for his opinion.
"Now, De Grammont," he said, excitedly,
"I want you to judge whether I am right or
wrong in this."
"You are wrong, Your Majesty," answered
De Grammont.
"But," Louis retorted in wide-eyed surprise,
"I haven't even told you what the disagree-
ment is about!"
"True," was the diplomat's response. "But
if you were right, sire, these gentlemen stand-
ing here would be loud in your support!"
Proverbs Nos. 2409, 2411, 2416, 2421, 2481, 2502,
2522.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES            205
BEAUTY                              ^
(3006)    When they hanged Helen of Troy the
executioners were blindfolded because, on two
previous occasions when threatened with death
the famed woman's marvelous beauty had
caused her enemies to falter and rebel at the
deed.                       * ^ #
(3007)     Beauty has not always come easy to
some women. So the ladies of history were
wont to "make up" just as the woman of
to-day does. But the ingredients were differ-
ent. Poppsea, the wife of Nero, used to bathe
in donkey's milk and apply plain, white chalk
for face powder. So Anna Held, and her
famous milk bath, was not so original 1
Quotations Nos. 2273 to 2279.
Proverbs No. 2415, 2460.
* # #
BLACKMAIL
(3008)    When P. T. Barnum's famous Gen-
eral Tom Thumb married Miss Lavinia War-
ren at Grace Church, New York, considerable
rumpus was raised by some of the members
of the church. Other good citizens saw a
possibility of making some money out of it
and one of these was a woman who, according
206             TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
to the biographer, M. It. Werner, came to
Barnum with the manuscript for a pamphlet
which, she said, contained some terrible dis-
closures about Mr. Barnum which would be
published unless he paid a stiff price for the
copyright.
"Madame," said Barnum, "you can say what
you please about me. You can print one hun-
dred thousand copies of that pamphlet saying
that I stole the Communion Service from the
Grace Church altar. All I ask is that you have
the kindness to mention me in some way and
then come to me and I will properly estimate
the value of your services as an advertising
agent!"
The good lady departed and the pamphlet
never appeared!
* * *
BOOKS
(3009) The first book Millard Fillmore ever
bought was a dictionary. Yet on that literary
beginning he proved himself a good farmer;
an expert wool carder; a fine bookkeeper; a
passable school teacher; an accomplished law-
yer, and the best surveyor in his country before
he was twenty-five.
Proverb No. 2616.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES             207
BOYS                                      )
(3010) Boys are not always miscnievous and
troublesome. There was the sixteen-year-old
lad sitting on the deck of a sailing vessel bound
from Boston to Calcutta 'way back in 1838.
He appeared idle enough, hacking away at a
stick with a regular Yankee jack-knife. But
he wasn't idle. He was making something—
the model of a brand new kind of firearm—and
when he got through, this youngster, whose
name, by the way, was Samuel Colt, had the
pattern for the first Colt revolver the world
had ever seen!
* * *
(30ii) One of the most renowned of boys
was Mozart. At the age of six he was invited
to play before the royal household of Austria.
The respected Wagenseil was Court Com-
poser at the time, and when the young genius
was ready to start his private entertainment
for the Emperor, he startled the select audi-
ence by calling for Wagenseil's most difficult
composition. And then, just to rub it in,
possibly, he directed the royal musician to
turn the music for him.
208            TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
(3012)     Leonardo da Vinci displayed great
artistic talent at a very tender age. Perceiv-
ing the boy's unusual gift, his parents put
him under the tutelage of an accomplished
painter who undertook to teach the lad the
rudiments of Art.
One day, working on a painting called "The
Baptism of Christ," the old man gave his
pupil an unimportant angel for his share of the
task. When it was completed, Leonardo
called his instructor to examine it. Dumb-
founded at the child's skill, the man stood
speechless for many minutes. Then he laid
down his brush and swore a solemn vow never
to paint again.
When the work of a pupil was superior to
that of his teacher, he thought, pride itself
demanded that the lesser of the two should
stop!
See Nos. 3043, 3048, 3052, 3058, 3062, 3067, 8073,
3077, 3081, 3097, 3122, 3134, 3152.
Quotations Nos. 2398 to 2401.
* * *
CARDS
(3013)     Charles X was such a devoted lover
of Whist that he was engaged in a "friendly
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES             209
game" while the battle raged which threw him
off the throne.                     ---,
*     » »
(3014)    It was Mazarin, the Italian adven-
turer, who introduced card playing into
France. Mazarin was not only what we might
call a "card sharp," but he was also an enthusi-
ast. On his very deathbed he played his last
game, and when his hands became too weak
for him to manage, he directed a friend to hold
the cards for him and make the plays as he
instructed. Death, closing its icy fingers on
his throat, choked off the directions for the
final "trick."
*     * *
(3015)    M. de Chauvelin, playing cards in the
palace of Louis XV, was fatally stricken with
apoplexy. His head sank to his breast; he
fell over the table and then slid to the floor.
Courtiers jumped to his aid. "He is ill,"
cried one of the guests, looking at Louis.
"He is dead," said Louis. "Spades are
trumps, gentlemen I"
See Nos. 3019, 3142.
210             TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
CEREMONY
(3016)     One evening Napoleon III attended
the opera and discovered that directly across
the theatre from his box Rossini, composer of
"The Barber of Seville," was occupying an-
other box with a party. The Emperor directed
that the stout, genial individual be brought
over to his box. Appearing in a few moments,
the composer apologized profusely for not
being in evening dress for the occasion.
"Your apology is quite superfluous,"
answered the Emperor. "Ceremony is un-
necessary between emperors l"
* * *
CHURCH
(3017)     Charles II, attending church services
one Sunday, eventually followed the lead of
several of his nobles and began to nod sleepily.
One of the courtiers presently snored—where-
upon the minister broke off in the middle of
the sermon and said: "Lord Landerdale, let
me entreat you to arouse yourself; you snore
so loudly you will waken the King!"
Proverb No. 2573, 2611.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES             211
CLEANLINESS
(3018)    They have always called it "the White
House." But it was not until 1850 that the
first bath tub was installed in the presidential
residence. Millard Fillmore was the daring
executive who took this great step toward
cleaner politics!
*     * *
(3019)    Charles Lamb, engaged in a game of
cards, looked up to discover that his oppon-
ent's hands were very dirty. "Martin," he
said, "if dirt were trumps, what a hand you'd
have!"
*     * *
CLUMSINESS
(3020)     To be graceful is a gift not shared by
everybody. There was the man, for instance,
who tried to learn how to dance. He followed
the instructions of his teacher, using a chair
to serve as a partner, in his privacy. He was
so awkward and ungainly that he broke every
chair in the apartment. The man was Na-
poleon!
*     * *
COFFEE
(3021)    At breakfast one morning Madame
Du Barry commanded her King to prepare the
212             TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
coffee himself. Always eager to please, Louis
did as he was commanded, without a word of
complaint.
Pouring a cup, he handed it to his imperious
mistress for her verdict. She sipped it care-
fully. An eye flashed ominously over the edge
of the cup. Then, straightening, she flung
the cup and saucer into the fire with a clatter-
ing crash.
"France!" she snapped. "Your coffee is
as insipid as your conversation."
COINCIDENCE
(3022)     Georges Bizet was ill. At the opera
house his own "Carmen" was being performed.
Madame Galli-Marie, in the title role, was
shuffling the cards in that scene where Carmen
has a premonition of her death.
Two hours later Bizet, the composer, was
dead!
See Nos. 3037, 3103.
COMMON INTERESTS
(3023)    As Police Commissioner, Theodore
Roosevelt was once interviewing a patrolman
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES             218
who had performed several acts of bravery.
In an effort to put the man at his ease he
explained, casually, that they were both
"straight New York"—being the vernacular
for born and bred New Yorkers.
"Then, too," he added, "we have another
thing in common."
"What is that?" asked the policeman.
"You and I were almost the only men in
the Department who picked Fitzsimmons to
beat Corbett," replied Roosevelt.
See No. 3127.
#     * *
COMPLAINTS
(3024)    When Ex-President Roosevelt was
touring the world, he lived at the royal palace
while in Stockholm. On being asked how he
liked the sensation of living in a palace, he
replied: "I don't like them. You can't ring
a bell and complain about your room!"
*     * *
CONCISENESS
(3025)    Louis XIV, who was a professed lover
of a concise style, once met a priest on the
214             TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
road whom he asked curtly: "Where are you
from? Where are you going? What do you
want?"
Knowing Louis' tastes, the priest replied:
"From Burges. To Paris. A contribution."
"You shall have it," replied the king.
Proverbs Nos. 2411, 2431, 2516, 2612.
* * *
CONSCIENCE
(3026) Bacchus had a conscience, it seems.
For once upon a time, according to the old
French legend, he was returning from a party
in a decidedly bad disposition. His "grouch"
got so bad that he decided to turn loose his
tigers on the first person who should cross his
path.
At Fate would have it, the first person hap-
pened to be a beautiful maiden named Ame-
thyst, on her way to make an offering at the
shrine of Diana. Bacchus unleashed the wild
beasts and Amethyst, seeing her doom, mur-
mured a quick prayer to her patron, Diana,
for aid. The Goddess of Beauty answered the
prayer by turning the maiden into a marble
statue.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES             215
Bacchus, of course, witnessed the transfor-
mation and realizing that it was a rebuke from
above, was pricked by his conscience. Taking
a flagon of his most precious, priceless wine,
he offered tribute to his remorse by pouring
the contents over the image before him. In-
stantly she turned from white to a most mar-
velous purple.
Then and there, if you will take the word
of the legend for it, the first amethyst came
into being!
♦ ♦ *
CONTEMPT
(3027) John Marshall, pleading a case before
the bar, was once fined thirty dollars for con-
tempt of court because of a slighting remark
made about the presiding judge.
With a profuse apology and a low bow
Marshall said: "Your Honor, I have the
greatest respect for this court and the judge
who presides over it. I intend to carry out
every wish of this court, sir, and I will there-
fore pay this fine immediately.
"As it happens, however, I have not the
full amount of thirty dollars with me at the
moment and since no one in this court room
knows me better than yourself, Your Honor,
216             TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
I must ask you to lend me that amount so that
I may pay off this assessment at once."
The judge cleared his throat and then recov-
ered his wit. Turning to the clerk he said in
his sternest voice: "Clerk, remit that fine.
The United States Government can better
afford to lose thirty dollars than I!"
(3028)    An Indiana judge once threatened to
fine a lawyer pleading a case before him for
contempt of court.
"I have expressed no contempt for the
court," said the lawyer. "On the contrary, I
have tried very hard to conceal my feelings!"
See Nos. 3045, 3065, 3152.
# * *
CONVERSATION
(3029)    When Robert T. Lincoln, American
Ambassador, arrived in London for the first
time he was entertained at dinner by Mr.
Gladstone. Ambassador Lincoln was noted
for his conversational abilities and Mr. Glad-
stone was anxious to meet him—but his wife
refused to allow him to go unless he promised
to be back at home by ten o'clock that evening.
The agreement made, Gladstone departed
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES             217
under the convoy of a friend. Shortly after
they arrived at the house a discussion arose
on a subject which interested the Prime Min-
ister greatly and he immediately began to
propound his theories on the topic, waxing
eloquent and powerful in his discourse and
talking, without stop, until eleven o'clock.
His friend then reminded him of his promise
to Mrs. Gladstone, and the two left for home.
Outside, in the carriage, his companion asked
for Gladstone's opinion of the American. "He
is very charming, indeed," was the reply, "but
I don't think much of his conversational
ability!"
See Nos. 3123, 3138, 3149.
Proverbs Nos. 24,31, 2458, 2483, 2625, 2629, 2630.
* * *
COOKS
(3030) Boswell, dining one day with Samuel
Johnson asked him if he did not think that a
good cook was more essential to the com-
munity than a good poet.
"I don't suppose," replied the Doctor, "that
there is a dog in town but what thinks so!"
Proverb No. 2607.
218             TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
COURAGE
(3031) Garibaldi, engaged in a revolutionary
fracas, was shot in the neck, the bullet pierc-
ing his jugular vein. As he lay, bleeding pro-
fusely, one of his companions bent over him
tenderly and asked if the Italian fire-eater
had any last word for his mother. "Yes," said
Garibaldi, weakly, but grinning, "Tell her I'll
live to be 76!"
* * #
COURTESY
(3032) Richard Watson Gilder, the biog-
rapher, once boarded a train on which he knew
Grover Cleveland was a passenger. He had
something important to ask him and was
desirous of saving as much time as possible—
hence he made connections with the Presi-
dent's train.
A thorough search, however, failed to show
any sign of Mr. Cleveland anywhere in the
crowded coaches and, as a last resort, Gilder
made for the baggage car in order to ques-
tion the conductor. There, to his unbounded
surprise, he found the Chief Executive—sit-
ting on a crate with his back against the side
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES               219
of the car. A woman with a baby had boarded
the car, it developed, and Cleveland had given
her his seat!
See Nos. 3036, 3088.
Proverbs No. 2416, 2458.
* * *
COURTSHIP
(3033) Thomas Jefferson had two rivals for
the hand of the lady who eventually became
his wife. One Sunday the two rivals met,
quite accidentally, at the gate of Martha's
home. They stared intently at each other for
a moment and then, recalling the captivating
Jefferson, decided to combine forces and make
the call together. They proceeded to the porch
—but there they paused.
A sound came from within. It was music
—the music of a violin. A sweet voice accom-
panied it. The voice was Martha's. How
sweet it was. But the violin? That belonged
to Thomas Jefferson.
With the same quiet understanding with
which they met, the two rivals departed, never
to return. Jefferson single-handed was bad
enough. But Jefferson with his fiddle was
unbeatable!
220            TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
(3034)     The parents of Victor Hugo's sweet-
heart disapproved of the young author and
forbade their daughter his company. Even
his mail was stopped and the pair were at
their wits' ends.
But Hugo was not to be outdone. He got
busy on a novel and, spurred by Love, com-
pleted it in record time. The novel was sold,
and, as goes without saying, was read by the
girl and her parents.
The plot was Victor Hugo's sad plight and
the parents' despicable attitude. After that
he saw her!
See Nos. 3041, 3089, 3090, 3116, 3127, 3131.
* * *
CURIOSITY
(3035)    Man has always complained about
the curiosity of women. Yet he can thank the
curiosity of a little Chinese woman for his
silk socks, his silk shirts and the wonderful
things his wife wears that are made of silk!
Si-Ling-Chi, it seems, was walking through
the royal gardens somewhere around the year
2,000 B.C. Stopping before a mulberry bush,
her curiosity was pricked by a peculiar little
worm she found there. She watched it moving
about; she took some to her rooms and exam-
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES             221
ined them; for days she experimented and
studied over them and the strange glossy
threads they spun.
They were silk worms, of course—and her
experiments led to the weaving of the silvery
threads into the world's first silk.
See No. 3117.
DECORUM
(3036) One of Mark Twain's bad habits, in
the eyes of his wife, was his custom of calling
on neighbors without his collar or necktie on.
One afternoon upon his return from a neigh-
borhood visit in the usual degree of undress,
his wife roundly scolded him for his negligence.
So Clemens departed to his study and in a
few moments sent a small package back to
the neighbor's house. An accompanying note
read somewhat as follows:
"Just a little while ago I visited
you for something like a half-hour
minus my collar and tie. The miss-
ing articles are enclosed. Will you
kindly gaze at them for 30 minutes
and then return them to me?"
See No. 3016.
222             TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
DESIRE
(3037) There is a rather singular anecdote
told of Lord Nelson and a strong desire he
wished to have fulfilled.
At a reception with Sir William Hamilton
and Mr. West, the prominent arist, Nelson
was complaining because of his lack of artis-
tic appreciation. "Nevertheless," he said,
turning to West, "there is one picture which
never fails to hold me spell-bound—that is
your painting, 'The Death of Wolfe.' "
The artist bowed and then, when Nelson
asked why he had never done another like it,
answered, "There are no more subjects!"
"Damn it," said Nelson, "I never thought
of that."
"But," added West, "I fear that further
valor on your part will furnish me with an-
other. I assure you, my Lord, that should
unfortunate catastrophe come to pass, I will
avail myself of the opportunity."
"You promise?" cried Nelson, in sincere
delight. "If you promise that, I hope I shall
die in the next battle!"
He did die in the next battle. And the
picture was painted!
Quotations Nos. 2262 to 2265.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES             223
DETERMINATION
(3038) Henry Clay, the famous American,
statesman, was a determined man. One early
morning as the gray mists of Washington
were quietly stealing off toward the Potomac,
Clay and a hitter enemy faced each other on
the dueling field. At the judge's word, Clay's
opponent fired and a fleck of dust was seen
to rise from Clay's coat lapel as his hody
stiffened strangely and his own gun cracked
in reply.
The opponent's knees bent, he wavered and
then collapsed in a heap. Clay's friends rushed
over to congratulate him—and discovered that
he had been shot in the chest "No matter,"
said Clay, "if he had shot me in the head—I
would have hit him!"
See 3098, 3031
* * .*.
DEVOTION
(3039) When Alexander the Great conquered
Persia, he not only took the kingdom of Darius
but also his wife. The good queen became so
devoted to her second husband that when the
224             TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
young Alexander died, she refused to eat or
drink—and in a few days followed him across
the Styx!
*     * *
(3040)    Andrew Jackson, the widower, was
asked to run for a second term in the White
House. His reply was that he would much
rather go home where he could read his Bible
in front of the picture of his beloved wife—
and imagine that she was still with him.
*     * *
(3041)    Victor Hugo got 30 pounds, sterling,
for his first book. To prove his devotion for
his sweetheart Adele, he hied himself to a
Parisian shop and spent the whole 30 pounds
for a cashmere shawl to grace her shapely
shoulders.
*     * *
(3042)    Antony's devotion to Cleopatra dated
from the day he saw her on the Nile, a royal
passenger in her golden-oared barque with the
perfumed sails—clad in a scarab anklet! Like
most swains, Antony expressed this devotion
in a "little gift" consisting of the entire prov-
inces of Phoenicia, Syria, Galicia and a portion
of Judea and Arabia. Further evidence was
then superfluous!
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES             225
DIPLOMACY
(30*3) One of the very odd practices of the
famous Cardinal Mazarin consisted of his
jumping over chair, by way of exercise, in his
private parlors. One evening, while engaged
in this none-too-graceful pastime, one of the
younger men of the French Court abruptly
entered the room just in time to see the far-
famed dignitary clearing his obstacle.
The dire consequences of having so rudely
interrupted the game were well known, of!
course, to the intruder. But, knowing the
Cardinal and possessing a sharp wit, he turned
off impending disaster with a keen bit of di-
plomacy:
"Not so good, your Highness. I'll bet I
can beat your last jump!"
In a trice the stakes were laid and the two
of them were at it.
* * *
(3044) George Washington, at the early age
of twenty-one, demonstrated his inherent qual-
ities of statesmanship when he was entrusted
226             TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
with a ticklish mission to a grievously offended
Indian Queen, Aliquippa.
The far-sighted Washington armed himself
with two gifts as weapons—a match-coat and
a bottle of rum.
And the mission was carried off with the
greatest success!
See Nos. 3005, 3132, 3156.
Proverb No. 2435, 2502, 2617.
* * *
DISDAIN
(3045) When the great orator and statesman,
Burke, was in Parliament he once had occasion
to make a spirited and animated attack on
Hastings, the Governor-General of India. In
the midst of the speech an admirer of the object
of Burke's wrath arose to his feet and inter-
rupted the speaker.
Burke turned on him viciously. "Am I," he
asked in great indignation, "to be teased by the
barking of this jackal while I am attacking
the royal tiger of Bengal?"
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES             227
DOCTORS
(3046)    Addison was once asked what he
thought of the medical men of the time. In
answer he quoted a statement attributed to
Julius Ca?sar, used in describing the armies
of the ancient Britons:
"Some slay on foot and some in
chariots. If the infantry do not so
much execution as the cavalry, it is
because they cannot convey them-
selves with so much velocity into all
quarters, nor dispatch their business
in so short a time."
Proverb No. 2528.
* * *
DOLLS
(3047)     Sarah Bernhardt will go down in his-
tory as a monarch of the stage. But it is well
to remember that her first applause was earned
in the Grandchamps Convent when, at the age
of 12, she won the everlasting admiration of
her youthful playmates with her art in cutting
paper dresses for their dolls!
228             TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
EARS
(3048)     Mozart, it is said, had the most sensi-
tive ears ever known. He could catch a mis-
take in the playing of a selection as trifling as
a quarter of a tone and could remember the
exact bar in which it occurred for several days.
On one occasion during his youth, Mozart was
standing with some other guests at the Royal
Palace waiting for an audience with the Em-
peror. Upon the approach of the monarch
the trumpeter blew a blast on his instrument
and although the horn was some distance away,
Mozart's ear was so delicate that he fainted
away from the pain.
* * *
(3049)    When Alexander Graham Bell was
experimenting with his embryo telephone he
found himself considerably handicapped for
the ideal receiver. Explaining his difficulties
to the famous Boston surgeon, Dr. Blake, Bell
asked for suggestions. The doctor did more
than offer a suggestion—he presented young
Bell with all the machinery of the human ear
taken from an experimental corpse in his
laboratory. The first telephone, therefore, had
a part made from the ear of a dead man!
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES             229
EATING
(3050) When forks were first introduced in
England for eating purposes during the reign
of Queen Elizabeth, the clergy most bitterly-
denounced this Italian innovation as an "im-
moral luxury intended to undermine the very
fiber of the people and to attract the wrath
of God!"
See No. 3030. Quotations Nos. 2270 to 2272 and Nos.
2297 to 2300.
EGO
(3051) General Robert E. Lee once discov-
ered an army surgeon standing intently before
a mirror, admiring himself with the greatest
satisfaction.
"Doctor," said Lee, "you must be the hap-
piest man in the world."
"Why do you think so?" said the surgeon in
deep wonderment.
"Because, sir, you are in love with yourself
and you haven't a rival in the whole world!"
See Nos. 3080, 3081, 3147, 3158.
Proverb No. 2569.
230             TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
ELOQUENCE
(3052) Back in the days of the American
Revolution a great mass meeting had been
scheduled in New York as a protest against
the Stamp Act. Several good speakers had
been provided for the occasion and after two
or three of them had talked, a lull came in the
proceedings.
The crowd began to get a little restless
during the pause. The outer fringe of the
audience began to break up and straggle
away. And then, without the formalities of
an introduction, a speaker climbed to the
platform who had not been listed on the
program.
He began to talk. "Why, he's only a boy,"
said somebody to his neighbor. "Rats," said
another one, "I came here to listen to men, not
children." Others grumbled the same senti-
ments—but the boy was now launched on his
discourse and the remainder of the crowd
hissed the objectors into silence.
Gradually the audience became very atten-
tive. They moved in closer to the speaker.
The few who had started to go home returned.
And for forty minutes that mob stood hypno-
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES             281
tized by the eloquence of this extemporaneous
orator.
His name was Alexander Hamilton. And
his age was 17!
See No. 3029.
Proverb No. 2411.
* * *
EXPLANATIONS
(3053)    When Theodore Roosevelt was hunt-
ing in Colorado he met a cow-puncher who
had been with the Rough Riders in Cuba.
After welcoming him, the cowboy said that
he had been in jail for a year for killing a man.
"How did you do it?" said the President
who intended to inquire about the circum-
stances.
"Thirty-eight on a forty-five frame,"
answered the cowboy, thinking the President's
interest would be in the gun rather than in
the details of the experience.
* * *
(3054)     One other time another Rough Rider
wrote to President Roosevelt from an Arizona
jail: "I am in trouble. I shot a lady in the
eye, but I did not mean to hit the lady—I was
shooting at my wife!"
282            TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
EXPLORERS
(3055) History has always done justice to
the explorer. Yet there was one exploration
we seem to have overlooked.
It came about during the reign of Louis
XIV because Madame de Maintenon found
herself dissatisfied with the quality of the per-
fume used in the Court. Dutiful Louis, there-
fore, dispatched a squad of courtiers to the
extremities of France with instructions to find
something better.
Months later one of the messengers found
himself in the little village of Grasse, having
scoured the kingdom without avail. Learning
of his mission, the innkeeper there recom-
mended him to the home of one Jasmin, a
struggling chemist. Bored to death and sick
and tired of the smell of perfume, the courtier
listlessly tried the first odor that was handed
to him. Like an electric spark the scent re-
vived his jaded spirits. It was glorious—far
superior to anything Paris had ever known
before.
As fast as the horses could take him, he
got back to Versailles. And on the night of
his return Jasmin, the struggling chemist,
became France's most famous parfumeur!
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES           233
EYES
(3056)     Tradition says that Alexander the
Great had two different colored eyes: one
black and the other green. Charles Lamb had
one hazel eye and one grey-speckled eye.
Byron had one eye larger than the, other. Sir
Walter Scott said that Robert /Burns' eyes
were "the most wonderful eyes in any human
head of the time." Napoleon was famous
for his hypnotic eye and Caesar's flashing,
snapping eyes were one of his greatest assets.
See No. 3054.
Proverb No. 2461.
* » *
FASTIDIOUSNESS
(3057)    Napoleon was an expert with the
sword. But when he tried to clip his finger
nails, he seldom succeeded without breaking
one or more pairs of manicure scissors. As a
consequence he always kept a dozen or more
on hand so that he might never run short in
the middle of the operation. Another one
of his standard stocks was cologne, his per-
fumer sending several dozen bottles to him
at regular intervals.
234             TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
FATHERS
(3058)    The Spanish Ambassador to the Court
of Henry IV entered a semi-public room in
the castle one day without being announced.
To his distinct shock, he surprised the King in
the act of riding around the room on a broom,
accompanied by his small son similarly
mounted.
It was an embarrassing moment for all con-
cerned—except the lad. But Henry rose to
the occasion, saying, with a very solemn coun-
tenance :
"You are a father, Signor Am-
bassador, so we will continue our
ride!"
*    # *
FAILURES
(3059)    Bizet, the great composer, died at the
age of 37, broken-hearted over the supposed
failure of his opera, "Carmen!"
*     * *
FOOD
(3060)     On one of General Grant's long
marches during the Civil War a certain Lieu-
tenant Wickfield, of the Indian Cavalry, was
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES             235
in command of the advance guard. It was a
hundred-mile jaunt, food was low, and when
the Lieutenant came upon a farm house in a
lonely section he decided to approach the
housewife for something to eat. Posing as
General Grant, he had no difficulty whatever
in getting the best and the most the humble
home could afford.
With a ravenous appetite, he ate everything
in sight except the last half of a pumpkin pie;
thanked the family and departed. Not many
hours after Grant himself arrived with his
troops and learned, to his surprise, that his
name had been "used in vain."
Nothing was said—but that night, after the
camp had been made some distance beyond,
the entire regiment was drawn up ten columns
deep; the officers were called to the front, and
the Assistant Adjutant General read the fol-
lowing order from the Commander:
"Lieutenant Wickfield, of the In-
dian Cavalry, having failed to eat
the last half of Mrs. Selvidge's pie
this afternoon, will return to her
house at the crossing of Pocahontas
and Black River Roads with a detail
of one hundred men, consume the
386           TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
rest of the delicacy and report back
to headquarters when these orders
have been carried out."
To the resounding cheers of the assembled
troops, the crestfallen lieutenant set out to
do his duty!
See Nos. 3021, 3061, 3110, 3119.
*  * *
FULL
(3061)     Charles Lamb, returning from a jolly
dinner party, took his seat in a crowded omni-
bus. Shortly after a portly gentleman put in
his head and asked, "All full inside?"
Lamb, who was nearest the inquirer, said:
"I can't speak for the remainder of the com-
pany, sir; but as for myself, that last piece of
oyster pie did the business for me I"
*     * *
FURY
(3062)    Andrew Jackson, as a boy and as a
man, possessed a furious temper that was
always treated with respect by those who
knew it.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES             237
One of its earliest appearances is recorded
during his schooldays when several compan-
ions, seeking to play a practical joke on Andy,
got an old blunderbus and overloaded it to
such a degree that when fired it would knock
a full grown mule head-over-heels.
Handing the gun to young Jackson, they
dared him to shoot it. Jackson, of all people,
never took a dare. He shot it—and it knocked
him about fifteen feet into the dirt.
The "gang" crowded around, all primed to
laugh at their hapless victim. But in a trice
young Andy was up on his feet with his eyes
flashing and his fists clenched.
He ran up to the biggest boy of the lot and
shouted, "If anybody laughs, by God! I'll
kiU him!"
The odds were about eight to one. But
nobody laughed!
See Quotations Nos. 2266 to 2269.
* * *
GEMS
(3063) When Ivan the Terrible decided to
marry he sent his messengers far and wide to
assemble for him five hundred of the most
beautiful women they could find. Choosing
238             TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
the one that suited him, he presented to each
of the remaining four hundred ninety-nine a
gorgeous handkerchief, embroidered in gold
and gems.
(3064)     The famous Koh-i-noor Diamond was
once lost when Sir John Lawrence, the hero
of the Indian mutiny, was Lieutenant-Gover-
nor of Punjab. After a frantic and futile
search for the gem, it was eventually discov-
ered in an old cigar box in the Governor's
room.
(3065)    Madame de Chevreuse once appeared
at the Tuileries most gorgeously arrayed in a
lavish display of diamonds. Napoleon, always
pharmed by such a show, admired the gems and
said, "are they genuine, Madame?" "Mon
Dieu, sire," the lady replied, "I do not know.
But at least they are good enough to wear
here!"
* # *
(3066)     Napoleon the Great carried a diamond
in his sword hilt that he believed to be his lucky
stone. So great was his faith in this talisman
that he insisted upon its being placed in his
casket when he was buried.
See Nos. 3026, 3071, 3130, 3164.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES             239
GENIUS
(3067) The immortal Gounod, as a boy, had
a keen desire to become a musician—a desire
which was by no means shared by his father.
The lad pestered the parent endlessly, never-
theless, for an opportunity to study music and
finally, in despair, the father went to the boy's
school teacher—a gifted musician himself—
and begged him to get the notion out of the
child's head.
By way of complying with the request- the
old master took little Charles aside one day
and questioned him about his ambition. The
boy became enthusiastic, but the old professor
sought to discourage him by pointing out the
accomplishments of Mozart, Rossini and
others when they were his age. But the lad
persisted.
As a final blow, then, the old professor wrote
out on a sheet of paper a song from a popular
opera of the day and, giving it to the boy, told
him to set it to his own original music. In
no time at all the youngster wrote his music
for the lyric and brought it back. "Sing it for
me," said the old man.
Gounod sang. When he finished, he stood
there expectantly waiting for some golden
940             TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
words of praise. Instead—there was a deep
silence. Then a choking sound. And when
the boy looked more closely he saw that the
old man was—crying!
"It is beautiful, beautiful!" he was murmur-
ing, half aloud. Then, in a husky voice: "Be
a musician, then, if the devil pushes you to
it—it is no use to fight against that!"
So Charlie Gounod became a musician!
See Nos. 8000, 3078, 3011, 3012.
*     * *
GENTLE HINT
(3068)     Queen Louise, of Prussia, drinking a
toast to the conquering Napoleon, said with
extreme grace and deftness: "To the health
of Napoleon the Great. He has taken our
states and now he returns them to us."
Napoleon bowed and said, with a smile:
"Do not drink it all, Madame!"
See Nos. 8051, 3081, 3088, 3117, 3127, 3147, 3149,
3156.
Proverb No. 2587.
*     * *
GIFTS
(3069)     Queen Victoria once sent a silver pipe
to the King of Dahomey as a token of her
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES             241
esteem. The savage king took a few puffs
of his favorite tobacco in the costly bowl—
then handed it back to the official emissary
with the terse comment that his own red clay
was a much better pipe for smoking purposes!
*     * *
(3070)    Writing paper has always been a fa-
vored gift with monarchs. Way back in the
year 117 A.D., when the Emperor Ho-ti, of
China, sought the good will of Rome, he sent
by special messenger 1000 sheets of hand-made
writing paper to the Imperial Court. And
it was received with enthusiastic acclaim.
*     * *
(3071)    An aigrette of diamonds having been
sent to Napoleon as a gift from Constanti-
nople, it arrived in his presence while he was
entertaining the Empress and several ladies
of the Court. Directing that the package be
opened, he was immensely delighted with the
costliness and splendor of the present.
Taking it from the servant's hand, he exam-
ined it carefully, expressing his admiration as
he was wont to do. Then, with the utmost
abandon, he took the almost priceless aigrette
242             TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
in his two brawny hands, wrenched it into
several pieces, and dropped a handful of dia-
monds into the lap of each of the astonished
ladies!
#     * *
(3072)     It is said that when Lincoln was
stricken with small-pox he told his attendant
to "Send up the office seekers and tell them
I have something I can give each of them."
See Nos. 3063, 3065, 3133.
Proverbs No. 2404, 2422, 2549.
*    * *
GRACE
(3073)    When Benjamin Franklin was a little
boy he was frequently bored by the long and
tedious Grace his father used to offer before
meals. One day, after the provisions for the
winter had been salted down, he made a sterl-
ing suggestion:
"Father," he said, "why don't you
say Grace over the whole barrel now
and save the trouble every time we
eat some of it?"
The suggestion was not acted upon favor-
ably.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES            243
(3074)     Graft has not always been entirely
harmful to the community! The fact of the
matter is that our first "Town Hall Clock"
—erected opposite Westminster Hall, Lon-
don, in 1288—was paid for by the fine levied
on a public official who had defrauded a tax-
payer!!
* # *
(3075)     Great Greece had one weakness—a
love for money. So when Darius, King of
Persia, found a Grecian army prepared to
attack him he dispatched a dozen couriers to
Athens, Corinth and Thebes, loaded down with
10,000 gold talents. Before long the Grecian
orators and philosophers, not immune to Per-
sian gold, began to talk of the rapacity of
Sparta instead of the danger of Persian in-
vasion. The propaganda was well aimed.
Mistrust grew. And before long an Athenian
army marched on Sparta and the advancing
troops were called home from the proposed
Persian campaign to partake in the Civil War.
By distributing the graft in the proper place,
Darius, the Great King, set the Greeks at
their own throats instead of at his own!
244            TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
(3076)    When old "Sam" Houston was Gov-
ernor of Texas he had several charges brought
against a grafting official and, after having
prosecuted him relentlessly for a time, was
finally accused of having a desire to persecute
him.
Houston made reply to his critics one day,
somewhat in this fashion:
"No, gentlemen, I am not trying
to persecute him. If you will bide
your time, you will see that for your-
selves. I have all the evidence neces-
sary to convict him before any jury;
he will be found guilty and sent to
prison; his appeal will be thrown out
of the superior court, and he will
begin his sentence. Then, gentle-
men, I will pardon him. For, my
friends, I have no desire that the
State Penitentiary of Texas be con-
taminated by such a scoundrel!"
* * *
HANDICAPS
(3077)    Down in Raleigh, N. C, a thirteen-
year-old lad sat cross-legged on a table, plying
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES             245
a needle. He was a tailor's apprentice—and
tailoring was all he knew how to do. He could
neither read nor write but down in his heart
there was a fountain of ambition. By slow
degrees he picked up the rudiments of an
education and at eighteen he could scrawl his
name in a rough hand. Then he married—
married a pretty little school teacher who took
him in hand. While he sewed and cut and
patched, she read to him by the smoke of a
smelly oil lamp. At the tailor's table he got
his education. In two years he became an
alderman in Greenville. Shortly after he
became Mayor. And before he died, he sat
in the President's chair.
The name of the tailor's apprentice was An-
drew Johnson.
* * *
(3078) History is full of men who triumphed
over handicaps. Pope was a hopeless invalid,
unable to stand without the aid of a cruel
steel brace. Cervantes stuttered but he became
a public speaker of remarkable power. Look
at the two sickly, puny children with scarcely
a chance for maturity who turned out to be
Chopin and Roosevelt! Stephen A. Douglas,
hunch-back and statesman; Edison, deaf and
246             TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
perfecting the phonograph; Milton, blind and
writing England's greatest poem—all were
victors over handicaps.
Proverb No. 2413, 2464, 2497, 2630, 2539, 2586.
* * *
IDENTITY
(3079) Daniel Webster, on his way to Wash-
ington to take up his Senatorial duties, was
compelled to make an all-night journey from
Baltimore to the Capitol by stage-coach. The
driver of the stage was a tough looking char-
acter and Webster the only passenger. Pon-
dering over the man's appearance, the Senator
became worried for his own safety and when
darkness began to creep upon them just as
the stage was entering a thick, black section
of woodland, his fears were magnified by his
imagination.
At this point the driver reined in his horses
—and Webster's heart beat rapidlv. Turning
to his fare, the coachman said: "What's your
name?" Webster told him. "Where are you
going?" was the next question.
"To the Capitol," said Webster. "I am
a Senator."
"Thank God!" murmured the driver.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES             247
*'When I first set eyes on you, sir, I thought
you was a highwayman—and I was gettin'
purty scared when we come to this here
forest!"
From that point on both breathed easier!
*     * *
IMITATION
(3080) One evening, in the home of George
Sands, Chopin sat playing the piano before
an enrapt audience. Suddenly the lights went
out—but the music continued without a falter.
In a few minutes the lights were turned on
again. And there at the piano sat Franz Liszt.
The company applauded the clever decep-
tion for none could tell where Chopin stopped
and Liszt began. Rising, in acknowledgment
of the greeting, Liszt bowed:
"Liszt can imitate Chopin," said he. "But
can Chopin imitate Liszt?"
*     * *
IMPATIENCE
(3081) The son of a prominent Bishop once
called on Joseph Choate in Washington to
seek some favor. Choate, being busy, asked
him to have a chair for a moment.
248             TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
The boy was very impatient at the delay,
considering his own importance, and he ob-
jected to Choate by saying, "But, Mr. Choate,
I am the son of Bishop Blank."
"Oh," said Choate, in surprise, "Have two
chairs, then!"
Proverbs No. 2424, 2472.
*     * ♦
INFORMATION
(3082)     The renowned "Stonewall" Jackson,
having been pestered to death by messages in-
quiring for information for the use of the
Confederate Government's War Department
headquarters, eventually lost his remarkably
even temper and sent back the following terse
but highly informative telegram:
"Send me more men and fewer questions."
—Jackson.
*     * *
INGENUITY
(3083)    During the life of P. T. Barnum's
famous old Museum in New York there was
a memorable day when the population of the
city took occasion to visit the strange and
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES             249
interesting place in large numbers. Not only
were the numbers large but they were bent
upon making a day of it—they brought their
lunches. When the ticket sale had to be
stopped because of the crowd, poor Barnum
was up against a possible loss of patronage.
But he solved the problem with typical ingenu-
ity. At the rear of the building there was an
exit leading to Ann Street through which,
according to actual check, three people had
passed during the morning. Barnum rushed
for the sign painter; had a flaring oil-cloth
framed up and decorated with the mystic
words: TO THE EGRESS. The old exit
sign was taken down and the new one put
in its place. And before long the crowds
began to wend their way through the door,
thinking that an "egress" was some new ani-
mal they hadn't seen! To their dismay they
found themselves on the street, unable to
return, without paying another admission feel
* * *
INTELLECT
(3084) When Napoleon banished Madame de
Stael he explained his action to a friend by
saying: "This woman teaches people to
250             TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
think who would not do it of themselves or
who have forgotten how!"
Which is, after all, Tyranny's compliment
to Thought.
* * ft
KISSING
(3085) The records of history say that the
kiss of a ten-year-old girl killed Louis XV.
It all came about one day when Louis was
out riding through the country with his be-
witching partner in crime, Jeanne du Barry.
Passing a field in which a farmer's daughter
was leaning on a hoe, he commanded that the
carriage be stopped.
Crawling out the doddering old monarch
waddled across the road to the youngster and
pinched her cheek affectionately, much to the
disgust of Du Barry. The child seemed stupid
and made no response to the King's advances,
so he patted her on the head, kissed her and
went on his wav.
The child's seeming stupidity was, in reality,
the languor of smallpox. Louis' kiss con-
tracted the disease—and he died soon after the
fatal ride.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES             251
LAZINESS
(3086)     "You must be very fond of your
mother, my lad," said General Robert E.
Lee once to a young student noted for his
lack of energy—"you are so considerate of
her son!"
LOYALTY
(3087)    During Andrew Jackson's career fist-
fights wherever men were gathered was such
a common thing that when one broke out in
the long hall at the racing club where Jackson
was eating with thirty or forty other enthusi-
asts, nobody at the other end of the great
table paid any heed to it at all.
Jackson was sitting at that end of the table
and was no more interested in the figures
behind the closed ring of nearby spectators
than anyone else until a passerby said, "Well,
I guess they'll finish Patten Anderson this
time!"
Like a streak of lightning, Jackson was up.
Patten Anderson was his friend—and down
at the other end of that long room he was in
difficulties. A swift glance showed Jackson
that the crowd was too thick to let him through
2S2             TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
—so he jumped on the table and went tearing
down the long board with giant strides, crush-
ing dishes and food and glasses alike under his
tough boots. Men shouted and protested but
Jackson's one reply was a bull-like roar, "I'm
coming, Patten."
With that the fight spectators turned and
beheld the fire-eyed, fierce looking giant bear-
ing down upon them. Three men were attack-
ing Anderson—Jackson's hand whipped back
to his hip pocket; the click of a pistol hammer
was heard. "Don't shoot!" someone cried—
and the end of the hall was emptied in less
time than it takes to tell it.
Jackson bounded off the end of the table,
threw one arm around his beleaguered friend:—
and with his right hand drew from his hip
pocket—his tobacco box!
Jackson's quick wit and staunch loyalty
saved a friend!
* * *
"MANNERS"
(3088) One day President Lincoln was driv-
ing in a carriage with a typical Southern gen-
tleman when they passed an old colored man
who bowed low and doffed his ragged hat.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES             253
Lincoln smiled in acknowledgment of the
greeting and tipped his own hat in return.
"Why," asked his companion, "should you tip
your hat to a nigger?" "Because," answered
Lincoln quietly, "I prefer not to be outdone
in courtesy by anyone."
See no. 3016, 3036.
Proverb No. 2531.
* * *
MAKRIAGE
(3089) Sir Edward Bulwer Lytton, in his
youth, was one of the best looking young men
in England. Likewise he was a student of
astronomy, clairvoyancy and other kindred
arts. Therefore, it is not to be wondered at
that the day the stunning, black-eyed gypsy
girl stopped the carriage in which he and
several chums were traveling, he should take a
notion to learn more about "fortune telling"
from those who were most renowned in its
practice.
The gypsy girl introduced him to the chief
of the tribe and they made arrangements for
Sir Edward to remain with them for a week.
In that time, of course, the girl fell in love
with him and asked him to marry her accord-
264             TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
ing to the gypsy fashion—the chief would
break a tile at their feet and they would be
husband and wife for five months.
Unfortunately, for the romantic phase of
the story, at least, young Edward declined.
The moral of the story, thus ruined by an un-
imaginative student, is that many years later
when recounting the tale at a gathering of
his friends he said:
"I went much further than that
for a wife in time—and fared worse!"
Proving that in Marriage, as in other affairs,
Opportunity knocks but oncel
See Nos. 3008, 3090.
* * *
MATCHES
(3090) A friend once informed Lord Chester-
field that a certain shrewish old scold of their
acquaintance had been married to a man noted
for his gambling propensities.
"Ah, well!" said Chesterfield. "You know
that cards and brimstone make the best
matches."
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES             255
MISFORTUNE
(3091)    Disraeli was once asked to define the
difference between a misfortune and a calam-
ity.
"Well," he answered, "If Gladstone fell into
the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But
if anybody dragged him out, that would be a
calamity!"
♦ * *
NAMES
(3092)    A soldier in the army of the Duke of
Marlborough once took the name of that gen-
eral for his own. The Duke, learning of it,
sent for the man and reprimanded him for his
effrontery.
"I am not to blame, General," was the sol-
dier's ingenious defense. "I did the best I
could. If I could have found a more illus-
trious name than yours I would have taken
that!"
See No. 3151.
* * *
NERVE
(3093) Garibaldi, the Italian hero and idol,
had an abundance of "nerve." One time when
256             TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
the feeling against him was high and the King
was exerting every effort to capture him, he
entered a Government prison in Rome, single-
handed and unarmed, presented himself at the
door of the cell occupied by one of his con-
federates, received an important message from
that individual, and walked out of the prison
untouched!
* * *
(3094) The same nerve, combined with a
genuine eloquence, served Garibaldi in good
stead on another occasion. He had fled Italy
and had managed to get across the border into
France. Drinking by himself at an inn, one
night, he was identified by one of the idlers
who informed the gathering that this was the
man with such a high price on his head.
The twenty or thirty patrons of the place
closed about Garibaldi in delight. Here,
indeed, was a find! But the Italian never
faltered. He invited them to sit down and
drink with him before they called the soldiery.
Never refusing such an offer, the assembly
complied with the request. They had several
drinks and then Garibaldi began to tell them
of his adventures; his cause; his escapades.
His tales charmed them; their interest
slowly turned to enthusiasm and their enthusi-
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES             25t
asm to fervor. When the troops, who had
been summoned by the fearful landlord, ar-
rived, they found the fugitive surrounded by
a score of staunch defenders who not only put
the prospective captors to rout but accompan-
ied their new found idol back across the border
to Italy.
See Nos. 3031, 3038, 8098.
*     # *
PAPER
(3095)     The credit for developing the paper
industry really belongs to America even
though its invention is attributed to China. It
is said that King George III hated paper
chiefly because it was such a flourishing Ameri-
can institution and in respect for his dislike
an admirer presented him with a book printed
entirely on straw.
*     * *
PEACE
(3096)    When word was brought to Napoleon
at Amiens that the war was over his cryptic
ejaculation was: "Well, well—what a pretty
fix we are in now. Peace has been declared!"
Proverbs Nos. 2409, 2449, 2509.
268             TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
PERSONALITY
(3097)     Personality is a valuable thing to have
in agreeable quantities. A certain grocer's
clerk in Braddock, Pa., had it—and it stood
him in good stead.
One day the famous Captain Jones came
into the store and this clerk waited on him.
Wrapping up the Captain's purchase, the
clerk pushed it across the counter, accompa-
nied by a polite question.
"Is there an opening down at the mill for a
young man?" he asked.
The Captain liked the boy's appearance.
He said there was. The grocer's clerk who
filled the opening was Charlie Schwab.
Quotations Nos. 2283 to 2290.
* * *
PLUCK
(3098)    When Theodore Roosevelt was shot
by a would-be assassin at Milwaukee in 1912,
he was on his way to the Auditorium to make
an address. The attempted murder being
committed on the street, the felon was in-
stantly overpowered under a rush of furious
spectators. Roosevelt's first words were,
"Don't hurt him!"
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES             259
Refusing any but the most cursory aid, he
proceeded to the hall and, with a fractured
rib and a bullet in his breast, spoke to the
amazed audience for forty-five minutes. Paus-
ing a moment, he turned to the doctor who
had accompanied him and said, "How long
have I been talking?"
"Three quarters of an hour," said the doc-
tor. "And that's three quarters of an hour too
long."
"All right," said Roosevelt. "I'll take
another fifteen minutes and then quit."
When he got through, his speech had taken
one hour and a half!
Then he went home to bed!!
See No. 3038.
* * *
POSE
(3099) We all have our mental pictures of
the great statesmen who have distinguished
themselves in our Government since its be-
ginning. We see them as dignified, haughty,
aristocratic, stern, commanding, impressive,
and in various other poses.
We always think of the Secretary of State
as a rather austere person by virtue of his re-
260             TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
sponsible position. Yet when Dicey, the Brit-
ish diplomat, called on William H. Seward in
the Cabinet Offices, he found that red-haired,
homely but exceedingly competent State Sec-
retary with a cigar between his teeth, his vest
unbuttoned and one leg dangling aimlessly
over the arm of his chair!
Seward's ability, like that of his revered
chief, lay in his intellect, not his pose.
*     * *
POVERTY
(3100)    A nobleman, who was an enthusiastic
amateur painter, once took a sample of his
best work to the great Turner for his candid
opinion of it. The artist examined it carefully
and, turning to the gentleman said: "My lord,
you lack nothing but poverty to become a very
excellent painter."
See No. 3127.
Proverb No. 2459, 2527, 2545.
*     * *
PREMONITIONS
(3101)    Lord Nelson ordered his coffin to he
prepared before he sailed for Trafalgar.
When he returned—they buried him in it!
TOASTS AND ANECDOTE§             26l
PRONUNCIATION
(3102)    When Lafayette j oined Washington's
forces during the Revolution the Commander-
in-Chief made "Paris" the pass word in honor
of the illustrious ally.
Returning to headquarters late one night,
Lafayette was halted by a sentry and asked
for the countersign. He gave it. But the
sentry said it was wrong. Again Lafayette
repeated it, but to no avail. Then the guard
called his corporal. He listened to the Gen-
eral's password—and became as obdurate as
the private had been. Finally a lieutenant was
hailed to the scene. He solved the tangle in
the very nick of time.
For Lafayette was pronouncing it, "Paree."
* * *
PROPHECY
(3103)    A little peasant housewife sat on a
stone by the roadside one sunny afternoon in
Monteaux. A group of traveling singers en-
tertained her company, one of them a "musical
prophet." Composing a song for this partic-
ular woman's benefit, he prophesied that her
baby-to-be would develop into a great mu-
sician.
262             TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
Not long after her child was born. Today
we know him as Jules Massenet—composer of
"Thai's," the deathless "Elegie," the opera
"Manon."
A musician indeed—greater than the
prophet!
PUNS
(3104)    When Tom Thumb was in Paris the
Queen asked him what he did during his spare
hours.
"I draw," said Tom, "and I do it pretty
well."
He meant, of course, that he "drew" crowds.
But the good Queen, not familiar with Yan-
kee puns, took the statement at its face value.
And a few days later the little man received
a mahogany paint box with his initials en-
graved on a silver plate affixed to the cover.
The Queen, we fear, never got the joke!
* * *
RECIPROCITY
(3105)    When Joseph H. Choate returned
from a trip to England, a friend remarked
that he was getting stout.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES             263
"Oh, well," Choate replied, "It was neces-
sary to meet the Englishmen half way."
♦ * *
RECOMMENDATIONS
(3106) It is said that Horace Greeley once
discharged a young employee by mail, writing
him a letter in his own peculiar hand to the
effect that his services were no longer required.
The youngster cleared out and did not see
Greeley again for quite a few months. Then
one day, to everybody's surprise, he appeared
in the newspaper office for a chat with his old
boss. The renowned editor remembered him
and said: "You're the fellow I fired some time
ago, aren't you? How are you getting on?"
"Oh, splendidly," answered the ex-employ-
ee. "I landed a much better position after I
left here. You recall the letter you sent me
when you discharged me? Well, sir, nobody
can read your handwriting who is not familiar
with it, so I just took it around and said it
was a letter of recommendation from Horace
Greeley—and no one could prove it wasn't. I
am obliged to you, sir, for your assistance!"
864             TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
REFLECTION
(3107)    Reflection is a powerful element.
Take the case of James A. Garfield when he
was driving a mule team on the Erie Canal.
One winter day a frightened mule jumped
off the tow-path unexpectedly and threw Gar-
field into the icy water. The freezing bath
laid him up in bed for several weeks with a
heavy cough and there, in his solitude, he took
to reflecting on Life in general and his in par-
ticular.
So far he had been a failure—as a farmer,
as a carpenter and as a citizen. And from the
warmth and cheerfulness of his blankets he
resolved to extend himself considerably when
he was again able to move about, studying
and working until he made something of him-
self.
That resolve was carried out admirably—
it brought him to the President's chair!
Proverb No. 2411.
* * *
RELATIVES
(3108)     Chauncey M. Depew, in his memoirs,
tells about a dinner given by Queen Victoria
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES             265
to Liliuokalani, Queen of the Hawaiian
Islands.
"Your Majesty," said the dusky personage,
"Do you know that I am a blood relative of
yours f
"I didn't," said the astonished English mon-
arch. "How so?"
"Why," said Liliuokalani, "my grandfather
ate your Captain Cook."
See Nos. 3127, 3157.
* * *
RESPECT OF GREATNESS
(3109) When David Garrick was a young
actor and Quinn an "old timer" on the English
stage, they both happened to play at the same
theatre one night. A storm raged outside and
when both started home each ordered a coach.
To Quinn's disgust Garrick's coach arrived
first. "Put me in that coach," said the old
veteran with a growl, "And put little Davy
in the lantern."
"With pleasure," retorted Garrick. "I shall
be always happy to enlighten Mr. Quinn in
anything."
266             TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
RETORTS
(3110) Samuel Johnson being the guest of
honor, a certain lady in London had a special
Scotch dish prepared for that gentleman he-
cause of a recent trip of his through Scotland.
After he had tasted it, she inquired politely
how he liked it. Johnson, with typical lack of
courtesy, said it was a "dish fit for the hogs."
"Pray, sir," retorted the lady, "let me help
you to some more!"
See Anecdotes listed under, "wit"—Nos. 3146 to
3169, inc.
RETRIBUTION
(3iii) Ninon de L'Enclos, taking a strange
fancy to the wizened-up animal-like son of a
common laborer, undertook to educate him
and give him a training that would fit him for
better things than Fate promised. The lad
accepted with alacrity and studied hard and
consistently to get the most out of his miracu-
lous opportunity.
In time the boy became well educated and
developed, with the years into an intellectually
powerful man. His devotion for his benefac-
tress amounted to idolatry. But soon they
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES             267
parted ways. He became a revolutionist—she
remained with the aristocracy.
He won. His name was Voltaire!
(3112) One of Du Barry's enchanted admir-
ers, in an effort to demonstrate his feelings,
presented the ex-milliner with a ten-year-old
black boy fresh from Bengal.
This strange gift pleased Jeanne extremely
and one of her favorite occupations was to
dress the child in the most outlandish costumes
and make a fool of him for the amusement
of the assembled guests. The farce always
made the boy so furious that he frothed at the
mouth with rage—but he could do nothing.
Some years later, in the prime of his youth,
he had his revenge. The Revolution, then, was
at its height. Returning one day after an ab-
sence of several hours, the slave appeared in
Du Barry's apartment with a bundle under
his cloak.
"What have you there?" demanded his mis-
tress.
"Something for you, Madame," he answered
with a devilish grin. And before the eyes of
the horror-struck favorite he rolled the bloody
268             TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
head of her current lover across the floor1—
fresh from the guillotine!
*     * *
(3113)    The Comte de Charolois once shot a
tiler off a roof to see just how he would fall.
Brought before Louis XV for reprimand, he
was pardoned for this bit of playfulness.
"But," said Louis, as he pronounced the
pardon, "Remember this—the man who shoots
you will be pardoned, too!"
*     * *
(3114)    John Randolph had a very testy tem-
per. One day he stopped off at a tavern to
rest up and get warmed in the course of a
journey by stage. The tavern keeper, not
knowing who his guest was, was f oolish enough
to try to engage him in conversation. But
Randolph surlily defeated every attempt at
neighborliness.
As the guest prepared to leave, the host
made one more attempt. "Which road will
you take, sir?" he asked politely.
Randolph turned on him. "I have paid your
bill, have I not, sir?" he inquired. The answer
was affirmative. "Then I owe you nothing?"
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES             269
was the second query. "No, not a penny,"
said the astonished host.
"Then, sir," said Randolph with finality.
"I shall take whichever road it pleases me to
take." And he turned on his heel.
At the foot of the hill, not many yards from
the inn, there was a fork in the road. Ran-
dolph did not know which way to go and
neither did his coachman, so the man was sent
back to the tavern for directions. When he
arrived, the inn-keeper eyed him speculatively.
Then he walked to the middle of the road,
within easy hearing distance of the choleric
Randolph at the foot of the hill.
"Yes, sir," he shouted at the top of his voice,
"You have paid my bill. You do not owe me
a penny, sir. You can take whichever road it
pleases you to take, sir I"
And he went inside and slammed the door!
# * *
REVOLUTIONS
(3115) Theodore Roosevelt was talking to
Lawrence F. Abbott and William Hamlin
Childs about the much-debated Panama ques-
tion. "You know," he said, "they claim I
started a revolution in Panama. The truth is
270             TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
that there are always 50 of them there. When
I was president I kept my foot on them. When
the Canal situation arose, it was not necessary
for me to start a revolution: I simply raised
my foot!"
* * *
ROMANCE
(3ii6) Even governors, it seems, have ro-
mances! There was John Sevier, Revolu-
tionary hero and first Governor of Tennessee.
As a Captain in the Army after the close of
the war, his chief occupation was protecting
the whites who lived on the frontier near un-
friendly Indians. On one occasion a band of
Red skins attacked a little hamlet situated
but a few hundred yards from the fort in which
he was stationed.
Sevier was behind the stockade, off duty, and
not aware of the surprise attack. The inhabi-
tants were fleeing their homes, some aimlessly
in a blind effort to escape the invaders—others
with more control of their actions making for
the fort. Among these was a young Colonial
woman named Catherine Sherrill; lovely to
look upon; strong; healthy and athletic. Head-
ing for the side of the stockade considerably
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES             271
in advance of a particularly" desirous Indian
buck, she picked the lowest point in the wall;
got a good start on a gentle incline leading
toward it and a helpful "lift" on the top of a
hogshead fortunately placed against the tim-
bers—and cleared the pointed sticks as grace-
fully as a catamount would have made it.
She landed plump on the dozing captain on
the other side of the enclosure and in this en-
tirely unconventional manner was informally
introduced to her future husband, Captain—
and, later, Governor—John Sevier!
See Nos. 3033, 3034, 3041, 3089, 3090, 3131, 3162.
Proverbs Nos. 2485, 2487, 2498, 2520, 2570.
* * *
SECRETS
(3ii7) Once, when William H. Seward was
Governor of New York, the State Militia was
ordered out to a secret destination. At a dinner
shortly after a charming young woman asked
the Governor where the troops had been sent.
"Madame," Seward replied with a smile, "If
I did not know I would tell you."
Proverb No. 2596.
272             TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
SELF-PROTECTION
(3118) When the New York "Giants" and
the Chicago "White Sox" made their tour of
the world they played a game in Cairo, Egypt,
which the Khedive attended. The boys were
anxious to see how the monarch was taking
the new game and cast frequent looks toward
the royal box. Every time they looked, how-
ever, the Khedive had his back toward the
diamond.
Not being able to understand this, they sent
the renowned "Germany" Schaefer over to
make inquiries. Presently (according to John
McGraw's account of the incident in his book)
"Germany" returned with the word:
"It's all right. I just talked to one
of them fellows with the funny hats.
He
says the Khedive means no dis-
respect to our game, but he's got to
look toward home. With so many of
these American ball players here the
Khedive figures he'd better keep his
eye on his harem."
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES             273
SHIRKERS
(3H9) James G. Blaine was fond of telling
an anecdote concerning a camping trip on
which he and several friends once embarked.
On the first day the hired cook did not show
up, so pending his arrival the party drew lots
to see who would do the cooking and other
odd jobs peculiar to "kitchen police." As it
would happen, the man who liked cooking the
least drew the assignment for the first day.
He began early in his effort to get rid of the
responsibility by putting about a pound of
salt in the soup.
But Blaine and the party were very suspic-
ious. So, when they sat down to eat, the first
man took a spoonful of the briny stuff, swal-
lowed it, smacked his lips, and said:
"My, my! Isn't the soup salty?
But I like it; I like it!" And without
further comment the party drained
their plates to the very last drop,
much to the discomfort of the shirker.
* * *
SHOES
(3120) Augustus Caesar wore the first high-
heel shoes on record in order to make himself
274             TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
appear taller than he really was! The fad soon
spread through aristocratic Rome and before
long the wealthy leaders of fashion were wear-
ing shoes with soles and heels of pure gold!
* # *
SHOPPERS
(3121) Balzac was one of the most adept of
bargain-hunters. One time he priced a vase
in a window that was much too high for his
purse. Not being able to make the shop-
keeper come down very much, he left without
further ado. Collecting a half dozen friends,
he explained his desires to them and they
worked out a plan. The first would enter the
shop and make an offer, lower than the marked
price. Not getting the pottery at his price,
he would walk out. Shortly after another
would enter and make a bid lower than the
first. And so on, down the list, the last bidder
making a violent effort to get it at his ridicu-
lously low figure. Before long Balzac himself
would return, offer more than the last two or
three bids made and trust to luck. The plan
worked—and Balzac got the vase at his price!
/
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES             275
(3122)    When U. S. Grant was eight years
old he discovered a pony he wanted very badly.
The price was $25 and when he told that to his
father, the old gentleman objected to paying
that much for the beast. Young Ulysses in-
sisted upon it, though, and finally his father
said: "All right. I'll give you the money.
But offer him $20 first. If he won't take that,
raise it to $22. If that won't work, then pay
him the full twenty-five."
Breathlessly young Grant rushed off to the
owner of the pony. "Here," he said without
any preliminaries, "is $25 for the pony. Pop
said to offer you $20 first and if you wouldn't
take that, to give you the $25. Where is the
horse?"
# * *
SILENCE
(3123)     Silence is golden. Coleridge once
dined in company with a grave looking person
whose indifference to speech, long silence and
appreciative nods at the proper intervals im-
pressed the author considerably. "This man,"
Coleridge thought to himself, "is a true philos-
opher." But his opinion was wrecked later in
the meal when some apple dumpliags were
placed on the table.
276             TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
His eye falling on them, the "philosopher's"
face beamed all over. Breaking his impressive
silence for the first time, he ejaculated:
"Them's the jockeys for me!"
Silence, you see, is really golden when your
comments are made only of brass!
See No. 3029, 3138, 314,9.
Proverbs Nos. 2408, 2411, 2417, 2445, 2468, 2516,
2595, 2612.
*     * *
SKILL
(3124)     In a hot burst of characteristic wrath,
General Burgoyne told General Gates that
he "was much better fitted to be a midwife than
a soldier."
"Quite true, sir," said Gates—"I have safely
delivered you of 7,000 men!"
*     * *
SMOKING (Women)
(3125)     Charles Dickens, who was never much
of a smoker himself, was invited to dinner
by a charming lady whose invitation Dickens
and his daughter accepted. After the meal the
lady and her guests adjourned upstairs where
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES             277
they were joined by two other ladies. Cigars
were offered to the famous author and he ac-
cepted one more out of politeness than desire.
Much to his surprise the three ladies helped
themselves and in a very few moments had
Dickens hidden in a thick cloud of tobacco
smoke.
♦ * *
(3126)     One of the earliest white women to
take up smoking was Queen Elizabeth. Sir
Walter Raleigh, it seems, was responsible. He
was also responsible for a tricky little catch bet
for which the Queen quite innocently "fell."
Raleigh bet his sovereign that he could weigh
the smoke she exhaled from her pipe. The
wager taken, he filled the Queen's pipe and
before lighting it, carefully weighed it. He
then presented it to her and after she had
finished smoking, he weighed it again before
dumping the ashes—and called the difference
the weight of the smoke!
SOCIAL STATUS
(3127)    When Samuel Johnson first met Mrs.
Porter, who later became his wife, he was
taking pains to impress upon her the fact that
278             TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
socially he was nothing to boast about. To
drive the point home, he said he had "no social
standing, no money and had one uncle who had
been hanged."
Mrs. Porter, not to be outdone, replied:
"And I, sir, have no standing, no money and
while there are none of my relatives who have
been hanged, I have at least fifty who deserve
hanging!"
#    * *
SPANKING
(3128)     Spanking, customarily, is considered a
punishment for children. Consequently, it is
interesting to discover that with the decline of
the blood-thirsty French Revolutionists the
popular feeling turned against the old favor-
ites, the Jacobins. And while their adversaries
often maltreated the male supporters of that
party, the customary sentence pronounced on
a recalcitrant Jacobin's wife was a public
spanking! Rather hard on the wives, it seems!
*     * *
SPEED
(3129)    Just because it took Gray seven years
to write his "Elegy in a Country Churchyard,"
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES             279
folks think all good things must be done slowly.
It is well to remember, therefore, that Rossini
composed that popular opera, "The Barber of
Seveille," in exactly thirteen days!
3(t           3|fr           $fc
SUPERSTITIONS
(3130)     Catherine de Medici was a very super-
stitious woman and to protect herself from
evil she wore a talismanic bracelet, the links of
which were made of bone from the human
skull.
* * *
(3131)    When Grant was a young army officer
he had a strong superstition about turning
back on a road before gaining the objective.
As a consequence, he proposed to his future
wife, Julia Dent, in a pair of her brother's
pants! For just prior to his romantic visit a
storm had washed away the bridge across the
river—and rather than violate his superstition,
Grant swam the raging torrent on his horse.
Wet clothes, of course, don't make the heart
grow fonder. So he was forced to take refuge
in an ill-fitting suit borrowed from his future
brother-in-law.
See No. 3066.
280             TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
TACT
(3132) Burton J. Hendrick has told a story
about Walter Hines Page as the American
Ambassador to England that will live long
as an example of sterling tact and ingenious
diplomacy.
During the early days of the Great War,
before the United States had begun to labor
with the thought of taking a part in the con-
flict, Congress passed a bill admitting foreign
ships to American registry. The act was a
dangerous move, but it was, nevertheless, ap-
proved in spite of every warning.
One of the first developments under the new
law was the purchase of the German ship,
"Dacia," by a Michigan hyphenate who imme-
diately registered it under the American flag
and informed the world that he was going to
fill it with cotton and sail for Germany. The
crisis was at hand. The cargo itself was not
contraband, but the ship was German, and
was subject to seizure as enemy property and
this information was presented to the Presi-
dent by the British Ambassador. It was also
explained that if the "Dacia" got through the
blockade, every interned German ship in the
United States would be bought over under this
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES             281
thin pretext of American registration and
loaded with war materials by German-Ameri-
cans. Either the objectionable materials
would reach their destination—or England
and the United States would become engaged
in a brawl. Whichever developed would in-
sure German satisfaction!
Walter Hines Page, in London, was deep
in thought in the face of this vital problem
which might, obviously, throw the United
States into the war on the side of Germany.
Sir Edward Grey, the Foreign Secretary, was
also harried by the problem, for he was determ-
ined that the "Dacia" would be confiscated
regardless of the consequences. At the height
of the worry and discussion the "Dacia" sailed
—a flaming fire-brand in the arsenal of inter-
national explosives.
The tension grew great. German-Ameri-
cans on this side of the water and Germans
on the other side were elated at the hot water
in which the English found themselves. Page
and the diplomatic corps were at their wits'
ends—the British were pained, but determined.
Sleepless nights and nervous days grew more
strained. And the "Dacia" plowed on
through the waves, drawing nearer and nearer
to the crucial line of threatening men-of-war.
282             TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
Then Page got an idea! The sleepless
nights suddenly crystallized into a tangible
solution. Hastening to the office of Sir Ed-
ward Grey, he assumed all the outward ap-
pearances of calm unconcern, as he dropped
into an easy chair in that statesman's quarters.
"Have you ever heard of the British fleet?"
he asked.
Grey confessed that he had, considerably
at loss to understand the question.
"Well," mused Page, "we've all heard of
the British fleet. In fact, I think we have
heard too much of it. It seems to me that the
British Navy has had altogether too much
advertising. Altogether too much advertis-
ing."
There was a pause. Sir Edward fixed an
intent eye on the American and toyed with
ominous but silent thoughts about the state
of his sanity.
Then Page continued: "But have you ever
heard much of the French fleet? They have a
navy, too, I understand. But as far as pub-
licity goes, none of us have ever heard very
much about it. Now I think that the French
fleet might have a little advertising, too, just at
this opportune time."
He looked directly at the Englishman.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES             283
"What on earth are you talking1 about?" asked
Grey, still deeply baffled by the aimless re-
marks.
"Well," Page resumed, "take the case of
the 'Dacia.' Don't you think it would be
splendid if you let the French fleet seize the
T)acia' and get a little advertising for itself?"
Instantly Sir Edward got the idea.
"Great!" he said delightedly. "We'll let them
take it—we're not gluttons for advertising."
And the "deal" was made.
A French cruiser slipped out of the Channel
that night, overhauled the offending "Dacia"
and took it into a French port, where a French
court promptly condemned it.
Dismayed and chagrined, the expectant sym-
pathizers with Germany swallowed their de-
feat without causing a ripple of hostility on
the surface of the world. For Page, with his
keen insight into the American psychology,
knew that the feeling for France was so high
and unhampered at home that the dire conse-
quences of a British confiscation of the "Dacia"
would be avoided by the simple expedient of
having the French do the job.
See Nos. 3005, 3043, 3044, 3058.
284 ' TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
TAILORS
(3138) One of the most famous tailors who
ever resided in the United States was none
other than Andrew Johnson, Lincoln's suc-
cessor in the White House. Johnson, who
hegan life as a tailor's apprentice in the South,
once made a suit of clothes with his own hands
while President, by way of a novel birthday
gift for an old friend.
* * *
THRIFT
(3134) A young lad living on Staten Island
once asked his mother to lend him $100, with
which he intended to buy a boat. The boat
was not to be a pleasure craft, but was to be
used in a budding enterprise in the young
man's brain. His mother was not poor, by any
means, but she refused to either give or lend
him the money.
But she made a bargain with him. She said
that if he could plow, harrow and plant an
eight-acre field adjoining the house in the 26
days intervening between that date and his
birthday, she would give him the money.
That was a stiff proposition for a boy. But
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES             285
he didn't falter. Instead, he went out and
gathered the "gang." He told them of the
proposition his mother had made, enlisted them
in the scheme on the promise of frequent rides
in the new boat, and the crowd not only com-
pleted the order, but, in addition, built a fence
around the plot (with the stones they cleared
away) that was worth $200.
Needless to say, he got the money. And
the boat. And he started his "budding enter-
prise"—transporting produce for the farmers
—which proved highly successful. He got
another boat—and still more boats. So many,
in fact, that as years went on he came to be
known as "The Commodore."
The 16-year-old son of that thrifty mother
was Cornelius Vanderbilt.
* * *
TOBACCO
(3135) Napoleon only smoked once and then
he was sick for an hour after. It took two of
his courtiers fifteen minutes to show him how to
suck on a pipe instead of blowing through the
stem and when he got it going so he could
draw clearly, he inhaled a powerful puff that
filled his lungs, caught his breath and threw
286             TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
him into a spasm of choking. With tears
streaming down his cheeks he flung the pipe
out of the window and commanded the servants
to do the same with the tobacco. He never
attempted to smoke again.
*    * *
(8136) General Grant smoked 24 cigars on
the second day of the Battle of the Wilderness.
He directed the work at the Battle of Fort
Donelson with a dead cigar stump between
his fingers.
*     * •
(3137) A story is told about General Grant
who, pacing up and down on the dock at City
Point, puffed his ever-present cigar in viola-
tion of the rules.
A negro sentry on duty spied the officer
smoking, approached and informed him that
it was against the regulations to smoke there.
"Are those your orders?" Grant asked.
"Yes, sir," said the sentry, courteously, but
very firmly.
"They are very good orders, sir!" said Grant
as he threw the cigar into the water.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES           287
(3138)     Carlyle and Tennyson once visited
each other by the simple process of sitting
before the fire for three hours without saying-
a word—each puffing his pipe!
*    * *
(3139)     Tennyson once made a tour of Italy
and in the middle of the trip discovered, to his
horror, that he was running out of tobacco.
Without further ado he packed up his belong-
ings and came back to England—because there
was no place in Italy where he could purchase
his favorite brand.
*     * *
(3140)    History says that when Sir Walter
Raleigh stood on the street corner and smoked
his Indian pipe, the clouds of smoke he pro-
duced were so thick and so suffocating that all
the ladies had to cross over to the other side in
order to pass by without choking to death!
See Nos. 3064, 3069, 3125, 3126.
*     * *
TURNING THE TABLES
(3141)    John Marshall, famous Chief Justice
of the Supreme Court, once climbed up on a
288             TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
ladder in his library to get a law book from
the topmost shelf. The eminent jurist was
then very old and rather feeble. And when
several books stuck he tugged and the whole
row came down on his head, he was quite
naturally bowled right over on the floor. Hear-
ing the crash, his servant rushed to the library.
He found his master sitting on the floor under
the avalanche, laughing heartily and rubbing
himself ruefully.
"Well, well," he chuckled. "I've been laying
down the law for a good many years, but this
is the first time I have ever been laid down
by the law."
See Nos. 3111, 3112, 3113, 3114.
* * *
UNDERSTANDING
(3142) Catherine II, of Russia, once dis-
tinguished herself in the eyes of liberal-minded
people at a very elaborate private card party
given by her at the palace.
As she paced up and down the room, watch-
ing out for the comfort and convenience and
enjoyment of her guests who were busily en-
gaged with their games, something caught her
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES             289
eye which required the services of a page. So
she rang for one. None came. She rang
again. Still no response.
Quietly slipping out of the room, she decided
to find out why her summons had been ignored.
Down in the servants' quarters she found an-
other but less regal card game in progress, with
her own page intent upon playing a difficult
hand which might enable him to "break the
bank."
Our distant acquaintane with queens sug-
gests many unpleasant possibilities under such
circumstances. But instead of performing as
the royalty often did with less provocation,
Catherine proved herself a genuine Queen by
taking the page's hand and playing it out suc-
cessfully for him while he went off to do the
errand she had originally wanted him for!
Proverb No. 2429.
WAGERS
(3143) ln the year 1583 Richard Martin, of
London, made a wager with a syndicate of
thirteen English merchants that one William
Gybbons would not die before a specified time.
290             TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
Then and there the parent of what we now
know as life insurance came into being.
See 3043, 3126.
t&         V         %F
WIVES
(3144)     One of the most popular and univer-
sally-beloved wives who ever took charge of
the White House was Mrs. James Knox Polk
—democratic, gracious, hospitable and gen-
erally charming to a high degree. Henry Clay,
meeting her after her husband had defeated
him in the hotly-contested Presidential elec-
tion, in which feelings were heated to a white
pitch, said:
"Mrs. Polk, no matter where I go in the
circles of both our great political parties, I
hear but one opinion of you—and that is an
enviable one. I must confess, I cannot say
the same for your husband!"
* * #
(3145)    We are in the habit of thinking that
the American people elect all of our Presi-
dents. But this is not entirely true. In one
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES             291
case, the primary factor in the election of a
Chief Executive was a charming woman, Mar-
garet Smith.
The daughter of a Maryland farmer, she
married Capt. Zachary Taylor—a man, who in
his own words, "made the tent his house and
the field his home for twenty-five years." When
her husband was sent to Florida to fight the
Seminole Indians, she proceeded to frighten
the country stiff by accompanying him down
to those fever-laden, insect-ridden swamps.
And there, when defeat and sickness and trag-
edy almost overwhelmed the army, suggested
mutiny, to the troops and grim failure to the
officers, Margaret Smith Taylor's deathless
courage, unflagging humor and relentless opti-
mism was the one thing that made these brave
men ashamed of their discouragements.
They stuck it out—and the honor "Old
Zach" Taylor won in Florida brought him
promotions that eventually placed him in the
most strategic position for the Presidency.
The chances are that without the support
of his jewel of a wife he would have "muffed"
the first opportunity!
See No. 3116.
Proverb Nos. 2447, 2454, 2461, 2482, 24877, 2585.
292             TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
WIT
(3146)     Lord Strangford once told Thomas
Moore, the poet, of a rumor he had heard to
the effect that Lady Caroline Lamb had lost
her temper and knocked down one of her pages
with a stool.
"Oh," said Moore with a twinkle in his eye,
"it's nothing unusual for a literary lady to turn
over a page."
"I'd much rather we could say," retorted
Strangford, "that she had turned over a new
leaf!"
*     * *
(3147)    Dean Swift once entered a room at
his host's house in which a young and egotisti-
cal nincompoop had been reclining lazily in a
chair. The youngster recognized the guest and,
rising to his feet, said, "Mr. Dean, I would
have you know that I, too, have been set up
as a great wit."
"You have?" said Swift, musingly. "Then
I would sit down again, if I were you."
*     * *
(3148)     Sir William Curtis, as the guest at a
dinner, was sitting next to an industrialist who
was talking about the qualities of various met-
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES             293
als. "Now for such articles as knives, razors,
forks and the like," he was saying, "there is
nothing as good as cast steel."
"Ay," replied the facetious baronet. "And
soap, too—there's nothing, to my mind, like
Castile soap!"
*     * *
(3149)     Charles Lamb once had the misfor-
tune of being seated next to a very garrulous
and very senseless woman at dinner. She
chattered and chattered incessantly and then,
discovering that the author was paying no
attention to her whatever, rebuked him by
saying: "You seem to be none the better for
what I am telling you!"
"No, madame," he answered, turning the
shaft adroitly, "but this gentleman on the other
side of me must be—for it all went in one ear
and out the other."
*     * *
(3150)    Jerrold, the English journalist, was
at the club one day when a heated argument
took place between a supporter of William III
and an admirer of the Prince of Orange. The
discussion turned to personalities and, those
being exhausted without avail, the Jacobite, a
heavy Scotchman, slammed his fist on the table
294             TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
and shouted: "Bah to you, sir; I spit upon
your King William!"
The adversary, not to be outdone, rose to
his feet and yelled back: "And I, sir, spit upon
James the Second!"
Whereupon Jerrold rang the bell and
shouted, "Waiter—spittoons for two!"
(3151)    Longfellow was once introduced to a
man named Longworth and when the latter
commented on the similarity of names, the poet
said: "Here is a case, I fear, where Pope's
line will apply—'worth makes the man—want
of it the fellow.' "
* * *
(3152)    After the younger Pitt had made his
first speech in the House of Commons, an older
member remarked sarcastically that he noted
"that this youngster has not sown all his wild
oats."
"No," retorted Pitt like a flash, "I still
retain some for the old geese to pick."
V $fc "3f
(3153)    At a reception to Lafayette after the
Revolution, some very sincere and touching
addresses were made by various eloquent
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES             295
speakers. In the middle of one of the most
sentimental speeches an officer, named Colonel
Forest, was so touched by the farewell to his
commanding general that he burst into tears.
Judge Peters, standing beside him, ridiculed
him, saying:
"Why, Tom, my boy—I thought you were
a Forest tree, and you turn out to be a weep-
ing willow!"
*     * *
(3154)    Lord North, who was very corpulent
before a severe illness, said to his physician
after the danger had passed: "Sir, I am
obliged to you for introducing me to some
old acquaintances."
"Who are they, my Lord?" asked the doctor.
"My ribs," replied his lordship, "which I
have not felt for many years until now!"
*     * *
(3155)    When the Hon. J. K. Paulding was
Secretary of the Navy, he once received a
letter from an agent of the department, which
read:
"Dear Sir: Please inform this de-
partment by return mail how far the
Tombigbee River runs up."
296             TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
The Secretary's reply said:
"Dear Sir: In reply to your re-
cent request for information, I have
the honor to say that the Tombigbee
River does not run up at all."
*     * *
(3156)     Charles II was once playing tennis
with a dean who, having scored a skillful stroke
was complimented with the left-handed com-
ment: "That was a good stroke for a dean."
"Ill give it the stroke of a bishop, Your
Majesty, if that would please you more," was
the deft retort!
*     * *
(3157)     "Ugh!" exclaimed Charles Lamb one
day in the zoo, turning away from the monkey
cage. "I dislike them exceedingly. It is not
pleasant to look upon one's poor relations,
is it?"
*     # *
(3158)     "I am going to write a much needed
book on the Popular Ignorance," said an as-
piring young wit to Dean Swift one day.
"I know of no one more competent to under-
take it," retorted the sarcastic Swift.
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES            297
(3159)     The term "wiseacre" is an old one,
often used, yet it is not common to associate
its coining with the retort of a bore.
Nevertheless, the story says that Ben Jon-
son was a guest at a tavern one evening where
his clever discourses were frequently inter-
rupted by a typical rural bore who insisted
upon telling the gathering of his land and
houses. Finally, Ben was unable to put up
with it any longer and he burst out heatedly:
"Be still! What signifies your dirt and clods
to us? Where you have one acre of land, I
have ten acres of wisdom!"
Unabashed, the yokel retorted: "Ah, then,
we shall have to call you Mr. Wiseacre!"
The reply quite stunned Jonson for a bit.
"Well, well," he said, after a pause, "I have
never been so pricked by a hob-nail before!"
* * *
;
(3160)     Alexander Pope was once dining with
Frederic, Prince of Wales. Noticing, with
increasing gratification, that the great satirist
was very complimentary in his remarks, the
prince said:
"How is it, Pope, that you, who are so severe
on kings, should be so flattering with me?"
298             TOASTS AND ANECDOTES
"It is," said Pope, "because I like the lions
best before the claws have grown."
*     * *
(3161)    A companion once reminded Henry
Erskine that "the pun is the lowest form of
wit."
"Truly," said Erskine. "It is the founda-
tion of wit!"
*     * *
(3162)    Thomas Moore and Lord Byron were
once discussing love at first sight. Moore said
it was like a potato "because it shoots from
the eyes."
"Yes," added Byron, "and becomes less by
paring"
*     * *
(3163)     George III once said to Sir John
Irwin: "They tell me, Sir John, that you do
like your glass of wine."
"Those, sire," was the unexpected retort,
"who have so reported me to your Majesty
do me a great injustice—they should have
said 'bottle.' "
*     * *
(3164)    There was once an old superstition
to the effect that if one wore a turquoise, one
TOASTS AND ANECDOTES             299
could never be seriously injured in a fall. Act-
ing on this belief, a king once asked his jester
what would happen if he jumped off the roof
of the castle with his turquoise ring on his
finger.
"The turquoise," answered the wit, "would
be uninjured!"
*     » *
(&165) Lord Erskine, hurrying out of the
House of Commons one night, was accosted
by a colleague going in. "Who's up, Ers-
kine?" he asked. "Windham," replied Ers-
kine. "What's he on?" was the next question.
"His legs," was the retort!
*    # *
(3166) Colman, the English dramatist, was
once asked if he knew Theodore Hooke, that
other English celebrity. "Oh, yes," he said,
"Hooke and Eye are old associates!"
THE END
 


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