More Toasts (1922)

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MORE TOASTS

Jokes, Stories and Quotations

Compiled by

MARION DIX MOSHER
Librarian, Genesee Branch, Rochester (N.Y.) Public Library

New York
The H. W. Wilson Company
London: Grafton & Co.

1922

* * * * *

BOOKS OF JOKES, STORIES
AND QUOTATIONS

TOASTER'S HANDBOOK. Peggy Edmond and
Harold Workman Williams. 501p. $1.80

MORE TOASTS. Marion D. Mosher. 552p. $1.80

* * * * *

CONTENTS

PREFACE

INTRODUCTION
The Divine Gift of Humor
The Function of Humor
Importance of Humor

MORE TOASTS

INDEX

PREFACE

The success of the Toaster's Handbook has encouraged its publishers to
compile another that will supplement it and bring it up-to-date. New
subjects keep coming to the front, and the up-to-date toaster needs
up-to-date stories to fit the up-to-date subjects. No public occasion
of today is complete without its joke on the nineteenth amendment, the
allied debts, the income tax, etc.

In offering the toasts, jokes, quotations and stories in this
second volume, the editor has endeavored to bring further aid to the
distracted toastmaster, to the professional after-dinner speaker who
must change his stories often, and to individuals inexperienced in
public speaking and so unfortunate as to have public addresses forced
upon them. He views the product with much the same feeling as did
Alexander Pope, who said, "O'er his books his eyes began to roll, in
pleasing memory of all he stole."

Paolo Bellezze expressed the same feelings in the introduction to his
work "Humor" when he said "Of this work of mine, I must confess it is
a great lot of stuff gathered from everywhere except from my brain....
It is a necklace of pearls strung upon a slender cord; that, I have
put there; the pearls have been furnished me by the most famous
jewelers, native and foreign. This said, I can--without being accused
of pride--recommend it to my respectable customers as an article of
great value and of absolute novelty."

In making this collection, files of such magazines as Life, Judge,
Puck and Punch were drawn on extensively; also magazines having
humorous pages or columns, such as the Literary Digest, Ladies' Home
Journal, Everybody's, Harper's; also Bindery Talk and various other
house organs. According to Samuel Johnson "A man will turn over half
a library to make one book," and the compiler of this one makes humble
acknowledgment to a whole library of books and periodicals where most
of these jokes have already appeared. It has been impossible to give
credit unless the place of first publication was definitely known.

The compiling of "More Toasts" was in large measure cooperative. The
test of the humor of a story or joke is in its efficacy when applied
to normal people under ordinary circumstances. With this philosophy in
mind the editor made it a rule to include nothing until it had first
been "tried on the dog." The original material was first graded into
three classes and, before being accepted, each joke had to stand the
test of appealing to the sense of humor of several persons. The result
is a collection of very carefully selected jokes and stories, only
about fifty per cent of the material originally chosen being used.
If any over-critical reader fails to find them humorous, may not the
fault possibly be due to his own imperfect sense of humor?

There is also much truth in the statement that the point of a jest
lies in the telling of it and often much of the subtle humor is lost
in the reading. The personality of the speaker is a necessary factor
and is frequently more important in the effect produced by the story
than the story itself. Elbert Hubbard once said "Next in importance to
the man who first voices a great thought is the man who quotes it."

The clever compiler, like a good chef, must not only know what to
select but in what order to present it. Knowledge consists in being
able to find a thing when you want it and accordingly an attempt has
been made to pigeonhole each joke where it would be most useful. Such
a classification is at best a difficult and debatable question, and
numerous cross references have been placed wherever it was thought
they might direct the reader to the subject wanted.

With these few explanatory words, the editor presents this little
volume, sincerely hoping that it may prove a friend in need to all who
seek the relaxation of humor, and a lifesaver to that legion of
humble men whose knees tremble when the chairman speaks those fateful
words--"The next speaker of the evening...."

M.D.M.

November, 1922.

INTRODUCTION

What can be more fitting than that a compiled book should have a
compiled introduction? Why should one with great pains and poor
prospects of success attempt to do what has already been well done?
Knowing that all readers of this book have a sense of humor and that
they will approve our decision we begin with a quotation from an
article[1] by Mr. E. Lyttelton.

[Footnote 1: The Nineteenth Century. July, 1922.]

The Divine Gift of Humor

The subject of humor has an attraction peculiarly its own,
because it deals with a mystery which yet is pleasantly
interwoven with the daily life of each one of us. We often say
of one of our neighbors that he has no sense of humour. But he
often laughs; he never spends a day without at least trying to
laugh, tho it remains but an attempt, an effort, an aspiration
after something which he seems to have lost but wishes to
recover. Either, that is, he remains grave when others laugh,
or he laughs, as Horace says, "with alien jaws," by constraint
rather than because he cannot help it. He has a confused idea
that it is expected of him. Such laughter is apparently the
outcome of an uneasy sense of duty, a dismal travesty of the
real thing....

Certainly humour is a singularly elusive thing, and I doubt
if anyone alive can explain it; but its elusiveness gives it
something of its charm; and, moreover, the illustrations which
are necessary to an inquiry into its nature, its scope and
meaning, are apt to be amusing without being irrelevant.

Humour has often been roughly described as a sense of the
incongruous. More satisfying, however, is the following, which
has been ascribed to Dean Inge: It is a sense of incongruous
emotions. As soon as we think of the emotions being stirred
we see that the strange difference between humourous and
unhumourous people is not an intellectual matter, but follows
the general law of emotional susceptibility, viz., that it is
independent of the reason and varies within wide limits
with each individual, and obviously with each nationality.
Moreover, it appears that, as it is compounded of two
emotions, one man may feel one of the emotions but be dull
to the other, according to his temperament. It is a matter of
sensitiveness, and in sensitiveness no two of us are alike.

Crudely judged, then, humour may be described as a blessing of
nature bestowed on all, but in widely varying measure, so
that in the case of some of our acquaintance we deplore its
non-existence, but never in ourselves. Nobody really believes
that he is wholly without it, partly because, in proportion as
the sense is really defective, the defect must be in its own
nature unperceived, but also because the gift is so precious,
so winsome, that no one could bear to believe that it has
been denied him. By a merciful law of nature, the delusion is
unsuspected, for assuredly, if any wholly unhumorous person
once realised the full extent of his privation, nothing could
save him from "wretchlessness" and despair.

I prefer to believe that, like the sense of beauty, the love
of music, the thrill of admiration for uncalculating heroism,
we have here a wondrous aid to us in our life's pilgrimage,
but that if we trace it to a sense of our self-interest, we
not only vulgarize it, but we turn it into a caricature. For
there is in humour this singular property; its aroma is so
subtle, delicate and undefinable that the effort to buttress
it upon coarse, common utility is doomed to fail, and in the
mere attempt humour vanishes. There is something deliciously
contagious about laughter that is quite sincere and
unthinking; whereas the only people who contrive to be always
absurd, but never amusing, are those who laugh from a sense of
duty.

Humour, then, in the young is restricted in scope, their
experience of life being small; in women it is quicker than in
men, but shallower; in the Scotch it is reticent, in the Irish
voluble and refined, but cold. But wherever it is found
free from counterfeit, wholesome and contagious, it is the
offspring of man's heaven-bestowed power of seeing in the
meannesses of earth the true presence of the Divine.

Darwin says the causes of humor are legion and exceedingly complex and
various disquisitions upon humor and laughter would seem to support
him. Its social nature is emphasized by Edwin Paxton Hood:

The sources of all laughter and merriment are in the cordial
sympathies of our nature. Laughter is very nearly related
to the highest and most instinctive wisdom; it stands at no
distant remove from Judgment on the one hand, and Imagination
on the other; and it is a proof of a healthy nature, for both
thinking and acting.

C.S. Evans in his article "On Humor in Literature" gives a hint of the
evolutionary process of its mechanism and its higher refinement:

On the lower plane of humor you get a laugh by the most
unimaginative means--merely conceive a recognized humorous
situation, or bring several things together according to a
recipe, and the thing is done. Every practised comedian,
in literature or on the stage, is an adept at it. But the
creation of character, the expression--in terms of the words
and actions of men and women--of that "social gesture" which
is laughter's source, is a much greater thing, for there we
touch the symbolism which is the soul of art.

The Function of Humor

In an article entitled "Why Do We Laugh?" William McDougall discusses
scientifically the value of laughter:

Laughter of man presents a problem with which philosophers
have wrestled in all ages with little success. Man is the only
animal that laughs. And, if laughter may properly be called an
instinctive reaction, the instinct of laughter is the only one
peculiar to the human species....

We are saved from this multitude of small sympathetic pains
and depressions by laughter, which, as we have seen, breaks
up our train of mental activity and prevents our dwelling upon
the distressing situation, and which also provides an antidote
to the depressing influence in the form of physiological
stimulation that raises the blood-pressure and promotes
the circulation of the blood. This, then, is the biological
function of laughter, one of the most delicate and beautiful
of all nature's adjustments. In order that man should reap the
full benefits of life in the social group, it was necessary
that his primitive sympathetic tendencies should be strong and
delicately adjusted. For without this, there could be little
mutual understanding, and only imperfect cooperation and
mutual aid in the more serious difficulties and embarrassments
of life. But, in endowing man with delicately responsive
sympathetic tendencies, nature rendered him liable to suffer
a thousand pains and depressions upon a thousand occasions of
mishap to his fellows, occasions so trivial as to call for no
effort of support or assistance. Here was a dilemma--whether
to leave man so little sympathetic that he would be incapable
of effective social life; or to render him effectively
sympathetic and leave him subject to the perpetually renewed
pains of sympathy, which, if not counteracted, would seriously
depress his vitality and perhaps destroy the species. Nature,
confronted with this problem, solved it by the invention
of laughter. She endowed man with the instinct to laugh on
contemplation of these minor mishaps of his fellow men; and
so made them occasions of actual benefit to the beholder;
all those things which, apart from laughter, would have
been mildly displeasing and depressing, became objects and
occasions of stimulating beneficial laughter....

For laughter is no exception to the law of primitive sympathy;
but rather illustrates it most clearly and familiarly; the
infectiousness of laughter is notorious and as irresistible
as the infection of fear itself.... The great laugher is the
person of delicately responsive sympathetic reactions; and his
laughter quickly gives place to pity and comforting support,
if our misfortune waxes more severe. Such persons are in
little danger of giving offense by their laughter; for we
detect their ready sympathy and easily laugh with them; they
teach us to be humorous.

H. Merian Allen in his essay "Little Laughs in History" says "The
relaxation of a full laugh clears the brain, restores fit contact
with one's fellows, and so smoothes the way for the solving of knotty
problems."

Linus W. Kline, Ph.D., further elucidates the psychical office of
humor as follows:

The psychical function of humor is to delicately cut the
surface tension of consciousness and disarrange its structure
that it may begin again from a new and strengthened base. It
permits our mental forces to reform under cover, as it were,
while the battle is still on. Then, too, it clarifies the
field and reveals the strategetic points, or, to change the
figure, it pulls off the mask and exposes the real man. No
stimulus, perhaps more mercifully and effectually breaks the
surface tension of consciousness, thereby conditioning the
mind for a stronger forward movement, than that of humor. It
is the one universal dispensary for human kind: a medicine for
the poor, a tonic for the rich, a recreation for the fatigued
and a beneficient check to the strenuous. It acts as a shield
to the reformer, as an entering wedge to the recluse and as a
decoy for barter and trade.

Humor is as necessary to our mental and spiritual life as are vitamins
to our physical well-being. Ruskin has called our attention to the
tendency of rivers to lean a little to one side, to have "One shingly
shore upon which they can be shallow and foolish and childlike, and
another steep shore under which they can pause and purify themselves
and get their strength of waves fully together for due occasions," and
has likened them to great men who must have one side of their life
for work and another for play. Action and reaction must be balanced:
seriousness and lightness. "Men who work prodigously must play with
equal energy," says one commentator. "Humor is the gift of the deeply
serious man," remarks another. "There have been very few solemn men,
but their solemnity was evidence, not of their gifts, but of their
defects; as a rule greatness is accompanied by the overflow of the
fountain of life in play." "The richly furnished mind overflows
with vitality and deals with ideas and life freely, daringly, often
audaciously."

The function of the catalyst in chemical reactions is to help other
bodies to get on together, but in doing this it only lends its
presence.

CATALYST. A chemical body which by its presence, is capable
of inducing chemical changes in other bodies while itself
remaining unchanged.

In quite the same way humor, by its mere presence, serves to smooth
the way in all human relations. It contributes a socializing touch.
"Humor makes the whole world akin."

Importance of Humor

Not only the toastmaster needs to have a sense of humor and a
collection of funny stories, and not only the preacher, the public
speaker and entertainer, but everyone, as well, who must influence
others. The "voice with a smile" wins because behind the voice is a
sense of humor. We have more confidence in those who have a sense
of humor. The following is quoted from a persuasive advertisement
entitled "The Gentle Art of Telling a Humorous Story Well":

The most successful men and women are those who know how to
get along with their fellow-beings, who know how to win and
hold good will. In fact, the biggest problem in business and
society today is the human problem, the problem of making
people like you and making people feel kindly towards each
other.

And nothing oils the wheels of human relationship so nicely
as humor. Abraham Lincoln understood this when he saved many
a critical situation by the introduction of one of his famous
anecdotes. Humor has its place in serious business life, and
in social life it is the universal passport to popularity.

The importance of humor in our daily life, often emphasized by
scientists and philosophers, has been well summarized by Justin
McCarthy in an article "Humor as an Element of Success":

I am strongly of the opinion that the quick and abiding sense
of humour is a great element of success in every department
of life. I do not speak merely of success in the more strictly
artistic fields of human work, but am willing to maintain that
even in the prosaic and practical concerns of human existence,
the sense of humour is an exciting and sustaining influence to
carry a man successfully thru to the full development of his
capacity and the attainment of his purpose....

In the stories of great events and great enterprises we are
constantly told of some heaven-born leader who kept alive,
thru the most trying hours of what otherwise might have been
utter and enfeebling depression, the energies, the courage and
the hope of his comrades and his followers.

During thousands of years nature has developed in the human body many
"safety first" signal systems. For example, when the body becomes
chilled this signal system causes us to shiver and tickles the throat
making us cough and in this way thru exercise stimulates the blood
circulation.

Perhaps in ages to come nature will find a way to tickle our sense
of humor when we are angry, discouraged, or otherwise mentally
discomfitted and will thus help us thru laughter to throw off the soul
chill and to regain spiritual poise.

MORE TOASTS

ABSENT-MINDEDNESS

This story is told of an absent-minded professor at Drew Theological
Seminary. One evening while studying he had need of a book-mark.
Seeing nothing else handy, he used his wife's scissors, which lay on
the sewing-table. A few minutes later the wife wanted the scissors,
but a diligent search failed to reveal them.

The next day the professor appeared before his class and opened his
book. There lay the scissors. He picked them up and, holding them
above his head, shouted:

"Here they are, dear!"

Yes, the class got it.

Deep in a ponderous calculation, the professor leaned over his desk.
One hand held his massive brow; the other guided the pencil.

Suddenly the library door was flung open, and a nurse entered, smiling
broadly.

"There's a little stranger upstairs, professor," she announced, of
course referring to the very latest arrival.

"Eh?" grunted the man of learning, poring deeply over his problem.

"It's a little boy," remarked the nurse, still smiling.

"Little boy," mused the professor. "Little boy-eh? Well ask him what
he wants."

A story is current concerning a professor who is reputed to be
slightly absent-minded. The learned man had arranged to escort his
wife one evening to the theater. "I don't like the tie you have on. I
wish you would go up and put on another," said his wife.

The professor tranquilly obeyed. Moment after moment elapsed, until
finally the impatient wife went upstairs to learn the cause of the
delay. In his room she found her husband undressed and getting into
bed.

"How will you have your roast beef?" asked the waiter.

"Well done, good and faithful servant," murmured the clerical-looking
diner absent-mindedly.

_See also_ Habit; Memory.

ACCIDENTS

Hearing a crash of glassware one morning, Mrs. Blank called to her
maid in the adjoining room, "Norah, what on earth are you doing?"

"I ain't doin' nothin', mum," replied Norah; "it's done."

A big Irishman, while carrying a ladder through a crowded street
had the misfortune to break a plate-glass window in a store. He
immediately dropped his ladder and broke into a run, but he had been
seen by the shopkeeper, who dashed after him in company with several
salesmen, and was soon caught.

"Here you big loafer!" shouted the angry shopkeeper, when he had
regained his breath. "You have broken my window!"

"I sure have," admitted the Celt, "and didn't you see me running home
to get the money to pay for it?"

There was a man who fancied that by driving good and fast
He'd get his car across the track before the train came past;
He'd miss the engine by an inch, and make the train-hands sore.
There was a man who fancied this; there isn't any more.

ACCURACY

In one of the industrial towns in South Wales a workman met with a
serious accident. The doctor was sent for, and came and examined
him, had him bandaged and carried home on a stretcher, seemingly
unconscious.

After he was put to bed the doctor told his wife to give him
sixpennyworth of brandy when he came to himself. After the doctor had
left the wife told the daughter to run and fetch threepennyworth of
brandy for her father.

The old chap opened his eyes and said, in a loud voice: "Sixpenn'orth,
the doctor said."

An editor had a notice stuck up above his desk on which was printed:
"Accuracy! Accuracy! Accuracy!" and this notice he always pointed out
to the new reporters.

One day the youngest member of the staff came in with his report of a
public meeting. The editor read it through and came to the sentence:
"Three thousand nine hundred ninety-nine eyes were fixed upon the
speaker."

"What do you mean by making a silly blunder like that?" he demanded,
wrathfully.

"But it's not a blunder," protested the youngster. "There was a
one-eyed man in the audience!"

ACTORS AND ACTRESSES

FIRST ACTRESS (behind the scenes)--"Did you hear the way the public
wept during my death scene?"

SECOND ACTRESS--"Yes, it must have been because they realized that it
was only acted!"

"These love scenes are rotten. Can't the leading man act as if he were
in love with the star?"

"Can't act at all," said the director. "Trouble is, he is in love with
her."

The teacher was giving the class a natural history lecture on
Australia. "There is one animal," she said, "none of you have
mentioned. It does not stand up on its legs all the time. It does not
walk like other animals, but takes funny little skips. What is it?"
And the class yelled with one voice, "Charlie Chaplin!"

Eight-year-old Robert had been ill for nearly a month with tonsilitis,
and nothing kept him contented but pictures of his favorite, Charlie
Chaplin, clipped from the pages of the motion-picture pictorials.

One morning, as his mother sat beside his bed, he studied earnestly a
full-page drawing of the million-dollar comedian.

"Mother," he asked, "will Charlie Chaplin go to heaven?"

"Why, yes--I hope so," answered the somewhat astonished parent.

"Gee! won't the Lord have some fun then!" was Robert's comment.

Sweeping his long hair back with an impressive gesture the visitor
faced the proprietor of the film studio. "I would like to secure a
place in your moving-picture company," he said.

"You are an actor?" asked the film man.

"Yes."

"Had any experience acting without audiences?"

A flicker of sadness shone in the visitor's eyes as he replied:

"Acting without audiences is what brought me here!"

It was a death-bed scene, but the director was not satisfied with the
hero's acting.

"Come on!" he cried. "Put more life in your dying!"

"Pa, what's an actor?"

"An actor, my boy, is a person who can walk to the side of a stage,
peer into the wings at a group of other actors waiting for their cues,
a number of bored stage hands and a lot of theatrical odds and ends
and exclaim, 'What a lovely view there is from this window!'"

"There were two actresses in an early play of mine," said an author,
"both very beautiful; but the leading actress was thin. She quarreled
one day at rehearsal with the other lady, and she ended the quarrel by
saying, haughtily: 'Remember, please, that I am the star.'

"'Yes, I know you're the star,' the other retorted, eyeing with an
amused smile the leading actress's long, slim figure, 'but you'd look
better, my dear, if you were a little meteor!'"

INTERVIEWER--"What is your wife's favorite dish?"

HUSBAND OF FAMOUS MOVIE ACTRESS--"In the magazines it is peach-bloom
fudge-cake with orangewisp salad, but at home it is tripe and
cabbage."--_Puck_.

The actress stood before her mirror, in doublet and hose, and regarded
her thin legs anxiously.

"I'm not exactly a poem," said she, "but I may pass for heroic verse."

ADVERTISING

_The Question is How Much More?_

TO RENT--In private home, a large, handsomely furnished front room;
also a medium-sized one; every convenience; centrally and very
choicely located; rent more than reasonable. Address, etc.--

Advertising is the test of integrity; the proof of integrity;
that transmits an ever-increasing confidence to both producer and
purchaser.

"I won't pay one cent for my advertising this week," declared the
store-keeper angrily to the editor of the country paper. "You told me
you'd put the notice of my shoe-polish in with the reading-matter."

"And didn't I do it?" inquired the editor.

"No, sir!" roared the advertiser. "No, sir, you did not! You put it in
the column with a mess of poetry, that's where you put it!"

"Paw, what is an advertisement?"

"An advertisement is the picture of a pretty girl eating, wearing,
holding or driving something that somebody wants to sell."

A violinist was bitterly disappointed with the account of his recital
printed in the paper of a small town.

"I told your man three or four times," complained the musician to
the owner of the paper, "that the instrument I used was a genuine
Stradivarius, and in his story there was not a word about it, not a
word."

Whereupon the owner said with a laugh:

"That is as it should be. When Mr. Stradivarius gets his fiddles
advertised in my paper under ten cents a line, you come around and let
me know."

"Oh, we called about the flat advertised."

"Well, I did mean to let it, but since I've read the house-agent's
description of it, I really feel I can't part with it."

CLASSIFIED AD MANAGER--"Your advertisement begins: 'Wanted: Silent
Partner.'"

ADVERTISER--"Yes, that's right."

CLASSIFIED AD MANAGER--"Do you want this placed under Business
Opportunities or Matrimony?"

"Say, Jim," said the friend of the taxicab-driver, standing in front
of the vehicle, "there's a purse lying on the floor of your car."

The driver looked carefully around and then whispered: "Sometimes when
business is bad I put it there and leave the door open. It's empty,
but you've no idea how many people'll jump in for a short drive when
they see it."

Recently the L. P. Ross Shoe Company inserted an advertisement in a
Rochester paper for vampers and closers-up. Among the answers received
was one from a young lady who signed herself Miss Mabelle Jones and
gave her address as General Delivery, Rochester. The letter said in
part:

"_Gentlemen_: I have seen your ad for vampires and close-ups and I
would like the job. I have been studying to vamp for several years and
have been practising eye work for a long while. My gentlemen friends
tell me that I have the other movie vamps backed off the map. I
have made a particular study of Theda Bara. I don't know much about
close-ups, but suppose I could learn. I have a good form, swell brown
eyes, and a fine complexion."

"If you would like, I will call and show you what I can do. I have
been looking for a vampire job, but never saw no ads in the papers
before."
"Yours,"
"MABELLE JONES."

"P. S.--Do you furnish clothes for your vampires? I have just come to
Rochester and so I haven't got many clothes."--_Rochester Herald_.

_His Little Ad_

There was a man in our town
And he was wondrous wise;
He swore (it was his policy)
He would not advertise.
But one day he did advertise,
And thereby hangs a tail,
The "ad" was set in quite small type,
And headed "Sheriff's Sale."

Burton Holmes, the lecturer, had an interesting experience, while in
London. He told some Washington friends a day or two ago that when he
visited the theater where he was to deliver his travelogue he decided
that the entrance to the theater was rather dingy and that there
should be more display of his attraction.

Accordingly, he suggested to the manager of the house that the front
be brightened up at night by electrical signs, one row of lights
spelling his name "Burton" and another row of lights spelling the name
"Holmes."

The manager told him it was too much of an innovation for him to
authorize and referred him to the owner of the theater. Mr. Holmes
traveled several hours into the country to consult with the owner,
who referred him to his agent in the city. The agent in turn sent Mr.
Holmes to the janitor of the theater.

"I talked with the janitor and explained my plan to him for about an
hour," Mr. Holmes said. "Finally, after we had gone into every detail
of the cost and everything else, the janitor told me that the theater
was a very exclusive and high class theater, and that he would not put
up the sign. I asked him why?"

"Because it would attract too much attention to the theater," the
janitor replied.

"What's your time?" asked the old farmer of the brisk salesman.
"Twenty minutes after five. What can I do for you?" "I want them
pants," said the old farmer, leading the way to the window and
pointing to a ticket marked, "Given away at 5.20."

_See also_ Authorship; Beauty, Personal; Salesmen and salesmanship.

ADVICE

The most unfair person is the one who asks you for advice and doesn't
let you know what advice he wants.

Another thing that we sometimes take when nobody's looking is advice.

It is a good divine that follows his own instructions: I can easier
teach twenty what were good to be done, than be one of the twenty to
follow mine own teaching.--_Shakespeare_.

Advice is the most worthless commodity in the world. Those who might
profit by it don't need it, and those who do need it won't profit by
it--if they could, they wouldn't need it.

How often have my kindly friends,
(When Fate has dealt me some shrewd blow),
Recalling random odds and ends
Of counsel, cried: "I told you so!"

But when 'twas I who warned, and they
Who heeded not, and came to woe,
I wonder why they'd never say:
"That's right, old chap, you told me so!"

AFTER DINNER SPEECHES

_Recipe for an After-dinner Speech_

Three long breaths.
Compliment to the audience.
Funny Story.
Outline of what speaker is _not_ going to say.
Points that he will touch on later.
Two Bartlett's Familiar Quotations.
Outline of what speaker _is_ going to say.
Points that he has not time to touch on now.
Reference to what he said first.
Funny Story.
Compliment to the audience.
Ditto to our City, State and Country.
Applause.

N. B. For an oration, use same formula, repeating each sentence three
times in slightly different words.--_Mary Eleanor Roberts_.

"You wrote this report of last night's banquet, did you?" asked the
editor with the copy in his hand.

"Yes, sir," replied the reporter.

"And this expression, 'The banquet-table groaned'--do you think that
is proper?"

"Oh, yes, sir. The funny stories the after-dinner speakers told would
make any table groan."

_See also_ Politicians; Public speakers.

AGE

HE--"How old are you?"

SHE--"I've just turned twenty-three."

HE--"Oh, I see--thirty-two."

A judge asked a woman her age.

"Thirty," she replied.

"You've given that age in this court for the last three years."

"Yes. I'm not one of those who says one thing today and another thing
tomorrow."

"Willie," said his mother. "I wish you would run across the street and
see how old Mrs. Brown is this morning."

"Yes'm," replied Willie, and a few minutes later he returned and
reported:

"Mrs. Brown says it's none of your business how old she is."

"Well, auntie, have you got your photographs yet?"

"Yes, and I sent them back in disgust."

"Gracious! How was that?"

"Why, on the back of every photo was written this, 'The original of
this is carefully preserved.'"

Answering the question, "When is a woman old?" a famous tragedienne
wrote: "The conceited never; the unhappy too soon, and the wise at the
right time."

When saving for your old age, don't neglect to lay up a few pleasant
thoughts.

"To what do you attribute your long life, Uncle Mose?" asked a
newspaper interviewer of a colored centenarian.

"Becuz Ah was bo'n a long time back," the old gentleman replied.

MURIEL--"I don't intend to be married until after I'm thirty."

MABEL--"And I don't intend to be thirty until after I'm
married!"--_Life_.

My first gray hair!
I never knew that you were there,
Nor least expected you would come so soon--
But you are there;
From whence you came or where
I know not, but I care.

You make me stop and wonder
Why I find you there to-night,
Is it some worry or some fright
That leaves you colorless, and oh, so white?
You'll not be seen, oh, no, not yet.
On that your fondest curls you bet,
For just as long as you are there
I'll hide you very neatly--there!
And none will wonder--only I, at you--
My first gray hair.

--_Wells Hawks_.

One great advantage of really being old is that one is beyond being
told he is getting old.

_Twenty-One Plus_

FIRST SUFFRAGIST--"How old do you think Mabel is?"

SECOND SUFFRAGIST--"Well, I should say she had lost about seventeen
votes."

A maiden lady of uncertain age became very indignant when the census
taker asked how old she was. "Did you see the girls next door," she
asked--"The Hill twins?"

"Certainly," replied the census man.

"And did they tell you their age?"

"Yes."

"Well," she snapped, "I'm just as old as they are."

"Oh, very well," said the census man; and he wrote in his book, "Sarah
Stokes, as old as the Hills."

I remember, I remember,
The fir trees dark and high;
I used to think their slender tops
Were close against the sky;
It was a childish ignorance,
But now 'tis little joy
To know I'm farther off from heaven
Than when I was a boy.

PHYSICIAN--"Tell your wife not to worry about that slight deafness, as
it is merely an indication of advancing years."

MR. MEEK--"Doctor would you mind telling her yourself?"

"Ma, is Mr. Jones an awfully old man?"

"No, dear, I don't believe so. What makes you ask?"

"Well, I think he must be, because I heard Pa say last night that Mr.
Jones raised his ante."

AGRICULTURE

"Crop failures?" asked the old timer.

"Yes, I've seen a few in my day. In 1854 the corn crop was almost
nothing. We cooked some for dinner, and my father ate fourteen acres
of corn at one meal!"--_Life_.

_See also_ Farming; Laws.

ALARM CLOCKS

To-day I bought an alarm-clock,
It has a very loud ring.
I think I will call it the Star-Spangled Banner,
For every time I hear it I have to get up.

A Swede was working for a farmer, who demanded punctuality above
everything else. The farmer told him that he must be at work every
morning at 4 o'clock sharp. The "hand" failed to get up in time, and
the farmer threatened to discharge him. Then the "hand" bought an
alarm-clock, and for some time everything went along smoothly. But
one morning he got to the field fifteen minutes late. The farmer
immediately discharged him, in spite of his protestations that his
alarm-clock was to blame.

Sadly returning to his room, the discharged employee determined to
find out the cause of his downfall. He took the alarm-clock to pieces,
and discovered a dead cockroach among the works.

"Well," he soliloquized, "Ay tank it bane no wonder the clock wouldn't
run--the engineer bane daid."

"I heard something this morning that opened my eyes."

"So did I--an alarm clock."

"Have you any alarm-clocks?" inquired the customer. "What I want is
one that will arouse the girl without waking the whole family."

"I don't know of any such alarm-clock as that, madam," said the man
behind the counter; "we keep just the ordinary kind--the kind that
will wake the whole family without disturbing the girl."

_See also_ Philadelphia; Tardiness.

ALIBI

TEACHER--"What is an alibi?"

BRIGHT Boy--"Being somewhere where you ain't."

ALIMONY

_Or Go to Jail_

"Is there any way a man can avoid paying alimony?" asked the Friend
who was seeking free advice.

"Sure," replied the Lawyer. "He can stay single or stay married."

ALPHABET

MOTHER (who is teaching her child the alphabet)--"Now, dearie, what
comes after 'g'?"

THE CHILD--"Whiz!"--_Judge_.

ALTERNATIVES

_See_ Choices.

AMBITION

Every normal man has two great ambitions. First, to own his home.
Second, to own a car to get away from his home.

Ambition makes the same mistake concerning power that avarice makes
concerning wealth. She begins by accumulating power as a means to
happiness, and she finishes by continuing to accumulate it as an
end.--_Colton_.

To wish is of little account; to succeed thou must earnestly desire;
and this desire must shorten thy sleep.--_Ovid_.

The noblest spirit is most strongly attracted by the love of
glory.--_Cicero_.

When once ambition has passed its natural limits, its progress is
boundless.--_Seneca_.

AMERICANS

A French magazine claims to have discovered in a New York paper an
advertisement to this effect: "A gentleman who has lost his right leg
is desirous of making the acquaintance of some one who has lost his
left leg, in order to become associated with him in the purchase
of boots and shoes, size 8." The very observant French editor very
politely comments: "An American may occasionally lose a leg, but he
never loses his head."

"That's the Goddess of Liberty," explained the New Yorker. "Fine
attitude, eh?"

"Yes, and typically American," replied the Western visitor. "Hanging
to a strap."

"William," asked the teacher of a rosy-faced lad, "can you tell me who
George Washington was?"

"Yes, ma'am," was the quick reply. "He was an American gen'ral."

"Quite right," replied the teacher. "And can you tell us what George
Washington was remarkable for?"

"Yes, ma'am," replied the little boy. "He was remarkable because he
was an American and told the truth."

A party of tourists were looking at Vesuvius in full eruption. "Ain't
this just like hell!" exclaimed an American. "Ah, the Americans," said
a Frenchman standing by, "Where have they not been?"

AMUSEMENTS

It was a sweet, sad play, and there was hardly a dry handkerchief in
the house. But one man in the first balcony irritated his neighbors
excessively by refusing to take the performance in the proper spirit.
Instead of weeping, he laughed. While others were mopping their eyes
and endeavoring to stifle their sobs, his face beamed with merriment
and he burst into inappropriate guffaws.

At last a lady by his side turned upon him indignantly.

"I d-don't know what brought y-you here," she sobbed, with streaming
eyes, and pressing her hand against her aching heart; "but if y-you
don't like the p-play you might l-let other p-people enjoy it!"

ANCESTRY

HAMPTON--"Dinwiddow told me his family is a very old one. They were
one of the first to come across."

RHODES--"The grocer told me yesterday that now they are the last to
come across."--_Judge_.

"Pa, what are ancestors?"

"Well, my son, I'm one of yours. Your grandpa is another."

"Oh! Then why is it people brag about them?"

HE--"My ancestors came over in the _Mayflower_."

SHE--"It's lucky they did; the immigration laws are a little stricter
now."

ANIMALS

It was Robert's first visit to the Zoo.

"What do you think of the animals?" inquired Uncle Ben.

After a critical inspection of the exhibit the boy replied: "I think
the kangaroo and the elephant should change tails."

ANTICIPATION

"Mr. Blinks," said she, "do you think that anticipation is greater
than realization?"

"Well," replied Mr. Blinks, "anticipation is broader and higher, but
realization is longer and flatter."

ANTIQUES

"Gee, whiz! Isn't that Smithson who just went by in his automobile?
When I knew him a few years ago he had a junk-shop."

"He still has. Only he moved in to a fashionable street and labeled
the same stock 'Antiques.'"

CUSTOMER--"What! Five hundred dollars for that antique? Why, I priced
it last week and you said three hundred and fifty."

DEALER--"Yes, I know; but the cost of labor and materials has gone up
so!"

AD WRITER--"When do you want me to prepare that copy for the sale of
antiques you have been planning?"

BOSS--"We'll have to hold back on those awhile. The wormhole borers
are on strike in Grand Rapids."

APARTMENTS

MR. LONGSUFFER--"Say, janitor, it's down to zero in my flat."

JANITOR--"Down to zero, is it? That's nothing."

_Necessarily So_

"I wonder if they take children in these apartments."

"They must. Some of the rooms aren't big enough for a grown person."

"How do the Joneses seem to like their little two-room kitchenette
apartment?"

"Oh, they have no room for complaint!"--_Judge_.

APPEARANCES

A man's appearance indicates how his business is prospering, and his
wife's appearance shows how much he is spending.

In civilized society external advantages make us more respected. A man
with a good coat upon his back meets with a better reception than he
who has a bad one. You may analyze this and say, what is there in
it? But that will avail you nothing, for it is a part of a general
system.--_Johnson_.

A miser grows rich by seeming poor; an extravagant man grows poor by
seeming rich.--_Shenstone_.

Polished brass will pass upon more people than rough gold.
--_Chesterfield_.

In all professions every one affects a particular look and exterior,
in order to appear what he wishes to be thought; so that it may be
said the world's made up of appearances.--_La Rochefoucauld_.

APPETITE

"Josh," said Farmer Corntossel to his son, "I wish, if you don't mind,
you'd eat off to yourself instead of with the summer boarders."

"Isn't my society good enough for them?"

"Your society is fine. But your appetite sets a terrible example."

TEACHER--"You remember the story of Daniel in the lion's den, Robbie?"

ROBBIE--"Yes, ma'am."

TEACHER--"What lesson do we learn from it?"

ROBBIE--"That we shouldn't eat everything we see."

APPLAUSE

"You don't attach much importance to the applause an orator receives."

"Not much," admitted Senator Sorghum. "There is bound to be applause.
You can't expect an audience to sit still all evening and do
absolutely nothing."

"The train pulled out before you had finished your speech."

"Yes," replied Senator Sorghum. "As I heard the shouts of the crowd
fading in the distance I couldn't be sure whether they were applauding
me or the engineer."

A slowness to applaud betrays a cold temper or an envious
spirit.--_Hannah More_.

The silence that accepts merit as the most natural thing in the world,
is the highest applause.--_Emerson_.

ARITHMETIC

"Waiter," he suggested mildly, "I want three eggs, and boil them four
minutes."

But the cook, having only one in the place, boiled it twelve minutes.

Which proves the value of higher mathematics.

SCHOOL-TEACHER (to little boy)--"If a farmer raises 3,700 bushels of
wheat and sells it for $2.50 per bushel, what will he get?"

LITTLE BOY--"An automobile."

"Now, then, Johnny," said his teacher, "if your father gave you seven
cents and your mother gave you six and your uncle gave you four more,
what would you have?"

Johnny wrinkled up his forehead and went into silence for the space of
several minutes.

"Come, come," said the teacher impatiently. "Surely you can solve a
simple little problem like that."

"It ain't a simple problem at all," replied the boy. "I can't make up
my mind whether I'd have an ice-cream soda or go to the movies."

In Missouri, where they raise more mules and children than in any
other place in the world, a certain resident died possessed of
seventeen mules and three sons. In his will he disposed of the mules
as follows: One-half to the eldest son, one-third to the next, and
one-ninth to the youngest.

The administrator who went to divide the property drove a span of
mules out to the farm, but when he went to divide the seventeen into
halves, thirds, and ninths he found it was impossible with live mules;
mules not being very valuable, he unhitched one of his own, putting it
with the other seventeen, making eighteen, when he proceeded to divide
as follows: One-half, or nine to the eldest, one third, or six, to the
next son, and one-ninth, or two, to the youngest. Adding up nine, six,
two, he found that it made seventeen, so he hitched up his mule and
went home rejoicing.--_Ladies Home Journal_.

"Now, Harold," said the teacher, "if there were eleven sheep in a
field and six jumped the fence how many would there be left?"

"None," replied Harold.

"Why, but there would," said she.

"No, ma'am, there wouldn't," persisted he. "You may know arithmetic,
but you don't know sheep."

One day, as Pat halted at the top of the river-bank, a man famous for
his inquisitive mind stopped and asked:

"How long have you hauled water for the village, my good man?"

"Tin years, sor."

"Ah, how many loads do you take in a day?"

"From tin to fifteen, sor."

"Ah, yes! Now I have a problem for you. How much water at this rate
have you hauled in all?"

The driver of the watering-cart jerked his thumb backward toward the
river and replied:

"All the water yez don't see there now, sor."

ARMIES

A sentry was giving close attention to his post in the neighborhood of
a British army camp in England, challenging returning stragglers late
after dark. The following is reported as an incident to his vigil:

"Who goes there?" called the sentry at the sound of approaching
footsteps.

"Coldstream Guards!" was the response.

"Pass, Coldstream Guards!" rejoined the sentry.

"Who goes there?" again challenged the sentry.

"Forty-ninth Highlanders!" returned the unseen pedestrian.

"Pass, Forty-ninth Highlanders!"

"Who goes there?" sounded a third challenge.

"None of your d--n business!" was the husky reply.

"Pass, Canadians!" acquiesced the sentry.

_Things in the Army that_

_Increase_ _Decrease_
Your appetite. Your surplus fat.
Your respect for the flag. Your self-conceit.
Your love for your mother. Your fastidiousness.
Your promptness. Your selfishness.
Your democracy. Your carelessness.
Your feet. Your finances.

A few soldiers belonging to part of a Swiss regiment in garrison at
Basel went to a certain cafe for refreshments. One of them sat down
alone at a table. Later a civilian, a German, joined him and the two
began to talk war politics. "Would you shoot on the Germans if they
invaded Switzerland?" asked the German.

"Oh, no, never!" exclaimed the soldier.

"Waiter, a pint of beer and a beefsteak with potatoes for this brave
man," ordered the civilian.

"And your pals sitting at the next table--would they also not shoot
the Germans if they tried to invade this country?"

"Oh, no, never," retorted the Swiss.

"Waiter, a glass of beer for each of the soldiers at the next table!"
ordered the civilian.

And addressing again the soldier, he asked: "Is this generally the
view held in the Swiss Army in regard to a possible German invasion?
Are all the Swiss soldiers so Germanophil?"

"I don't know," replied the soldier.

"But why would you not shoot the Germans?"

"Because we belong to the band."

OFFICER (to private)--"What are you doing down in that shell-hole?
Didn't you hear me say we were out against four to one?"

GEORDIE (a trade-unionist)--"Ay. Aa heard you; but aa've killed ma
fower."--_Punch_.

"The army must be a terrible place," said Aunt Samanthy, looking up
from the evening paper.

"What makes you think so, Samanthy?" asked her dutiful spouse.

"Why, jest think what it must be where beds is bunk and meals is a
mess."

Said the colored lad as he was being mustered out, on being asked
what train he was going to take for home: "Boss, I ain't gonna take
no train. I lives two hundred miles away, and I'se gonna run the first
eighteen, just to make sure they don't change their minds befo' I
leave camp."

A factory foreman who had some 300 hands under him went into the army,
became a captain of a company and could not get into the habit of
calling his soldiers men, but invariably referred to them as my
"hands." Imagine, therefore, the surprise of his commanding officer
when the captain turned in a report of an engagement, in which he
said he "had the very good fortune to have only one of my 'hands' shot
through the nose."

"Were you happy when you started for France?"

"Happy? We were in transports."

_See also_ Conscription; Military discipline.

ART AND ARTISTS

HENRY--"He may be a great artist, but he has a peculiar way of doing
things."

HAPPY--"How's that?"

HENRY--"He says he painted his greatest masterpiece on an empty
stomach."

_Impressionistic_

Whistler once undertook to get a fellow artist's work into the autumn
salon. He succeeded, and the picture was hung. But the painter, going
to see his masterpiece with Whistler on varnishing day, uttered an
exclamation of dismay.

"Good Heavens!" he cried, "you're exhibiting my picture upside down."

"Hush!" said Whistler. "The committee refused it the other way."

"If you do good work, your work will grow after you are gone."

"That's a fact. Rubens left only some 2,000 pictures, but there are
10,000 of his pictures in circulation now."

"Luxurious tastes Richleigh has. He has a Corot in his office."

"That's nothing! I have a whistler in mine."

Two ladies, each with her child, visited the Chicago Art Museum. As
they passed the "Winged Victory" the little boy exclaimed: "Huh! She
ain't got no head." "Sh!" the horrified little girl replied, "That's
art; she don't need none!"

One of those country gentlemen who owns a farm in Brown County, but
lives in Indianapolis and only spends his weekends on the farm, asked
one of his neighbors down in Brown county: "Did you know that T. C.
Steele sold the picture that he painted on your farm?" The farmer made
no reply to this, and then the country gentleman told him the price
Mr. Steele got for the canvas. "I just wish I had known the feller
liked the place well enough to pay that for a picture of it," the
farmer said. "I'd a' sold him the farm for $200 less than that."

ARTIST--"Now, here's a picture--one of my best, too--I've just
finished. When I started out I had no idea what it was going to be."

FRIEND--"After you got through, how did you find out what it was?"

Bessie is a bright one. The other day her teacher set her and her
schoolmates to drawing, letting them choose their own subjects. After
the teacher had examined what the other children had drawn, she took
up Bessie's sheet.

"Why, what's this?" she said. "You haven't drawn anything at all,
child."

"Please, teacher, yes, I have," returned Bessie. "It's a war-picture-a
long line of ammunition-wagons at the front. You can't see 'em 'cause
they're camouflaged."

"Mark Twain was visiting H.H. Rogers," said a New York editor. "Mr.
Rogers led the humorist into his library.

"'There,' he said as he pointed to a bust of white marble. 'What do
you think of that?' It was a bust of a young woman coiling her hair-a
graceful example of Italian sculpture. Mr. Clemens looked and then he
said:

"'It isn't true to nature."

"'Why not?' Mr. Rogers asked.

"'She ought to have her mouth full of hairpins,' said the humorist."

_See also_ Futurist art.

ASTRONOMY

FINNEGAN--"Oh, yis, Oi can undershtand how thim astronomers can
calkilate th' distance av a shtarr, its weight, and dinsity and color
and all thot--but th' thing thot gets me is, how th' divvle do they
know its _name_."

I think the stars do nod at me,
But not when people are about;
For they regard me curiously
Whenever I go out.

Brothers, what is it ye mean,
What is it ye try to say.
That so earnestly ye lean
From the spirit to the clay?

I may have been a star one day,
One of the rebel host that fell,
And they are nodding down to say.
Come back to us from hell.

AUTHORS

A clever author is one who never asks what they are saying when he is
told that everybody is talking about his latest book.

The wife of a successful young literary man had hired a buxom Dutch
girl to do the housework. Several weeks passed and from seeing her
master constantly about the house, the girl received an erroneous
impression.

"Ogscuse me, Mrs. Blank," she said to her mistress one day, "but I
like to say somedings."

"Well, Rena?"

The girl blushed, fumbled with her apron, and then replied, "Veil, you
pay me four tollars a veek--"

"Yes, and I really can't pay you any more."

"It's not dot," responded the girl; "but I be villing to take tree
tollars till--till your husband gets vork."

Kate Douglas Wiggin's choicest possession, she says, is a letter
which she once received from the superintendent of a home for the
feeble-minded. He spoke in glowing terms of the pleasure with which
the "inmates" had read her little book, "Marm Lisa," and ended thus
superbly:

"In fact, madam, I think I may safely say that you are the favorite
author of the feeble-minded!"

Harold Jenks, a syndicate editor of Denver, was talking about the low
rates paid by the magazines.

"They who write for newspaper syndicates, where their work appears
simultaneously in forty or fifty newspapers all over the country,"
said Mr. Jenks, "make a good deal of money. Of course, the magazine
writer, beside such men, isn't one, two, three.

"A seedy magazine writer dropped in on me this morning to borrow a
quarter. As he left, he said:

"'Jenks, old man, the difference between a hen and a magazine writer
is this--while they both scratch for a living, the hen gets hers.'"

_Consolation_

"How did your novel come out?"

"Well," replied the self-confident man, "it proved beyond all doubt
that it isn't one of these trashy best-sellers."

The late Ambassador Walter Hines Page was formerly editor of The
World's Work and, like all editors, was obliged to refuse a great many
stories. A lady once wrote him:

"_Sir_: you sent back last week a story of mine. I know that you did
not read the story, for as a test I had pasted together pages 18, 19,
and 20, and the story came back with these pages still pasted; and so
I know you are a fraud and turn down stories without reading same."

Mr. Page wrote back:

"_Madame_: At breakfast when I open an egg I don't have to eat the
whole egg to discover it is bad."

The great novelist summoned his publisher to his luxurious home.

"Have your salesmen," he asked, "prepared for their semi-annual trip
among the down-trodden booksellers?"

"They have."

"Has your publicity man written the usual biographical notices and
arranged for a series of dinners in my honor?"

"He has."

"Have your great minds selected a title for my forthcoming work?"

"Indeed, yes."

"Then what do you want me to write about?"

The publisher drew from his pocket a paper.

"Here is a wonderful plot," he replied. "It has every element--maudlin
sentiment, mystery, touches of your characteristic humor, profound
insight--everything."

The great author was conservative. He had had experience.

"I haven't time to read it just now," he said. "But are you sure? How
do you know that it is any good?"

"Good!" exclaimed the publisher. "Of course it is good. Why, my dear
sir, it has met with the unqualified approval of every member of our
motion-picture department."

THE PUBLISHER--"How are you going to introduce accurate local color in
your new story of life in Thibet? You've never been there."

THE EMINENT AUTHOR--"Neither has any of my public."--_Judge_.

"So you got your poem printed?"

"Yes," replied the author. "I sent the first stanza to the editor of
the Correspondence Column with the inquiry, 'Can anyone give me the
rest of this poem?' Then I sent in the complete poem over another
name!"

"Ye think a fine lot of Shakespeare?"

"I do, sir," was the reply.

"An' ye think he was mair clever than Rabbie Burns?"

"Why, there's no comparison between them."

"Maybe, no; but ye tell us it was Shakespeare who wrote 'Uneasy lies
the head that wears a crown.' Now, Rabbie would never hae sic nonsense
as that."

"Nonsense, sir!" thundered the other.

"Ay, just nonsense. Rabbie would hae kent fine that a king or queen
either disna ganga to bed wi' a croon on their head. He'd hae kent
they hang it over the back o' a chair."

HOSTESS--"I sometimes wonder, Mr. Highbrow, if there is anything
vainer than you authors about the things you write."

HIGHBROW--"There is, madam; our efforts to sell them."

"No," said the honest man, "I was never strong at literature. To save
my life I could not tell you who wrote 'Gray's Elegy.'"

HENLEY--"How are you getting on with your writing for the magazines?"

PENLEY--"Just holding my own. They send me back as much as I send
them."

Wouldn't it be pleasant if so many authors didn't:

Let their characters converse for hours without any identification
tags, so that you have to turn back three pages and number off odd
speeches in order to find out who's talking.

Overwork the "smart" atmosphere, the suspension points and the
seasonal epidemics of such words as "gripping," "virile," "intrigue,"
"gesture," etc.

Stick up a periscope every now and then, like, "Little did he think
how dearly this trifling error was to cost him," or "She was to meet
this man again, under strange circumstances."

Apply a large hunk of propaganda, like an ice bag, just where the plot
ought to rush ahead.

EDITOR--"Historically, this story is incorrect."

AUTHOR--"But hysterically it is one of the best things I have ever
done."

A man who was a great admirer of Mark Twain was visiting in Hannibal,
Mo. He asked the darkey who was driving him about if he knew where
Huckleberry Finn lived. "No sah, I never heard of the gemmen." Then
he said "Then perhaps you knew Tom Sawyer?" "No, sah, I never met the
gemmen." "But surely you have heard of Puddin'head Wilson?" "Yes, sah,
I've never met him, but I've voted for him twice."

AUTHORSHIP

TED--"I was tempted to read his book by the advertisements, but I was
disappointed."

NED--"That's only natural. The advertisements are better written than
the book."

AUTOMOBILE TOURISTS

"Why do you turn out for every road hog that comes along?" said the
missus, rather crossly. "The right of way is ours, isn't it?"

"Oh, undoubtedly!" answered he, calmly. "As for our turning out,
the reason is plainly suggested in this epitaph which appeared in a
newspaper recently:

"Here lies the body of William Jay,
Who died maintaining his right of way;
He was right, dead right, as he sped along,
But he's just as dead as if he'd been wrong."

A motorist had been haled into court, and when his name was called the
judge asked what the charges were against the prisoner.

"Suspicious actions, your Honor," answered the policeman who had made
the arrest.

"Suspicious actions?" queried his Honor "What was he doing that seemed
suspicious?"

"Well," replied the officer, "he was running within the speed limit,
sounding his horn properly, and trying to keep on the right side of
the street, so I arrested him."

"What kind of a time is he having on his motor-trip?"

"Guess he's having a pretty lively time. He sent me a picture
post-card of a hospital."

A tourist was just emerging from a corn-field by the roadside, bearing
in his arms a dozen handsome roasting ears. A second car approached
and stopped, whereon the tourist reached for his pocketbook and asked
in an embarrassed manner, "How much?"

"One dollar," said the newcomer, and then, after receiving payment,
remarked, "This is a fine field of corn. Wonder who it belongs to?"

AUTOMOBILES AND AUTOMOBILING

"Has this car got a speedometer?" asked an old gentleman to the
auctioneer, at one of the Disposal Board sales. The auctioneer
was equal to the occasion and replied: "At thirty miles an hour it
exhibits a white flag, at forty miles a red flag, and at fifty miles
a gramophone begins to play, 'I'm going to be an angel, and with the
angels dwell'"

"Remember, son, Garfield drove mules on a tow-path and Lincoln split
rails."

"I know, dad; but say, did any of these Presidents ever crank a cold
motor in a blizzard for half an hour before he discovered that he
didn't have any gasoline?"

The time to buy a used car is just before you move, so people in the
new neighborhood will think you were the one who used it.

"I understand that you have a new motor-car."

"Yes."

"Do you drive it yourself?"

"Nobody drives it. We coax it."

"We deny ourselves much. I am saving to build a house."

"Is your wife cheerful about it?"

"Oh, yes. She thinks we're saving for an automobile."

SHE--"Tell me, is an F.O.B. Detroit a reliable car?"

"I have never owned any automobiles," said the man who hadn't yet paid
for his home, "but I can say one thing in praise of them."

"What is that?" inquired Henderson.

"They have made mortgages respectable."--_Judge_.

"I see Smith is building a garage. When did he get a car?"

"He hasn't got one yet, but he's got an option on ten gallons of
gasoline."

An irate customer complained to her butcher about finding pieces of
rubber in the sausage meat and demanded an explanation. The butcher
said, "It is only another proof of how the automobile is taking the
place of the horse."

"Hello, old top. New car?"

"No! Old car, new top."

A farmer was recently arguing with a French chauffeur, who had
slackened up at an inn, regarding the merits of the horse and the
motor-car.

"Give me a 'orse," remarked the farmer; "them traveling oil-shops is
too uncertain fer my likin'."

"Eet is prejudice, my friend." the chauffeur replied; "you Engleesh
are behind ze times; you will think deefairent some day."

"Behind the times be blowed!" came the retort; "p'r'aps nex' time the
Proosians are round Paris and you have to git your dinner off a steak
from the 'ind wheel of a motor-car, you Frenshmen'll wish you wasn't
so bloomin' well up-to-date!"

"What does autosuggestion mean?" asked Pringle.

"That's when your wife begins to figure out how much you would save in
car-fare, and all that, if you had your own machine," replied Teggard,
who had been worked just that way.

An automobile show is a place to which car owners go to hear the
exhibitors confirm their judgment.

"I've stopped riding horseback and got a second-hand car."

"Need more exercise?"

"I suppose you think I'm foolish enough to buy that broken-down old
automobile!"

"Broken-down nothing! With the exception of a busted drive-shaft,
a cracked crank-case, a loose steering-wheel, a bum battery, a
dilapidated differential and faulty ignition, it is just as good as
new. Outside of buying four sets of tires, three new springs, a new
top, two rear axles, a couple of batteries, having the valves ground
sixteen times, the clutch tightened every week and the self-starter
repaired now and then, I have never spent one cent for repairs.
The old boat hasn't been run a mile over one hundred thousand, will
average fourteen gallons to the mile, and absolutely will not exceed
twenty-five miles an hour. It has an extra-fine new coat of paint,
and is fully equipped with a hand pump and switch-key. Because of the
difficulty in shifting gears, I absolutely guarantee your wife will
never be able to drive it, and--"

"Never mind the rest. I'll take it!"

"I thought you owned an automobile."

"I do, but I taught the wife to drive it, and now I'm back to the
street-cars."

"Say, Rastus, I done see de funniest thing t'day."

"How come, niggah?"

"I seed an ottermobile with its reah license B--4."

"Say, bo, doan hand me no truck lak that."--_Judge_.

The only trouble with a 60-horse-power motor is that every darned
horse balks at the same time.

BILL--"Just happened to run into an old friend down-town."

PHIL--"Was he glad to see you?"

BILL--"You bet not. I smashed his whole right fender."

"My brother bought a motor here last week," said an angry man to the
salesman that stepped up to greet him, "and he said if anything broke
you would supply him with new parts."

"Certainly," said the salesman. "What does he want?"

"He wants two deltoid muscles, a couple of kneecaps, one elbow, and
about half a yard of cuticle," said the man, "and he wants them at
once."

An elderly lady of very prim and severe aspect was seated next a young
couple, who were discussing the merits of their motor-cars.

"What color is your body?" asked the young man of the girl at his
side, meaning of course, the body of her motor.

"Oh, mine is pink. What is yours?"

"Mine," replied the man, "is brown with wide yellow stripes."

This was too much for the old lady. Rising from the table, she
exclaimed:

"When young people come to asking each other the color of their bodies
at a dinner-party, it is time I left the room."

"Why didn't you stop when I signaled you?" inquired the officer.

"Well," replied Mr. Chuggins, "it had taken me two hours to get this
old flivver started, and it seemed a shame to stop her merely to avoid
a little thing like being arrested."

_Who Can Tell?_

Dear Sirs,--About the engine. Well,
We write to let you know
We've waded through the booklet on
"What Makes the Engine Go."
It took us close on half a day
To read through all the guff;
The engine goes all right, but don't
Keep goin' long enough.
It's very good to understand
What makes the engine go.
But why the deuce the d--- thing stops
Is what we want to know.
So now we're making this request,
While tears and curses drop,
Please send along a booklet on
What Makes the Engine Stop.
The folk around here all await
With interest your reply:
To them the reasons why she goes
Don't seem to signify.
So while we wait and chew the cud
Don't let the matter flop;
For Gawd's sake write and let us know
What makes the blighter stop.

_See also_ Fords; Garages; Horses; Reputation.

AVIATION

TOMMY (to Aviator)--"What is the most deadly poison known?"

AVIATOR--"Aviation poison."

TOMMY--"How much does it take to kill a person?"

AVIATOR--"One drop!"

ENTHUSIASTIC AVIATOR (after long explanation of principle and workings
of his biplane)--"Now, you understand it, don't you?"

YOUNG LADY--"All but one thing."

AVIATOR--"And that is--?"

YOUNG LADY--"What makes it stay up?"

ENTHUSIAST--"Don't the spectators tire you with the questions they
ask?"

AVIATOR--"Yes. What else do you want to know?"

MANDY--"Rastus, you all knows dat yo' remind me of dem dere flyin'
machines?"

RASTUS--"No, Mandy, how's dat?"

MANDY--"Why becays youse no good on earth."

BACHELORS

It is a safe guess that the man who pokes fun at a woman for shopping
all day and not buying anything isn't married.

MADGE--"You shouldn't say he's a confirmed bachelor unless you know."

MARJORIE--"But I do know; I confirmed him."

It is admitted that married men have better halves but it is claimed
that bachellors generally have better quarters.

BAGGAGE

TOMMY (just off train, with considerable luggage)--"Cabby, how much is
it for me to Latchford?"

CABBY--"Two shillings, sir."

TOMMY--"How much for my luggage?"

CABBY--"Free, sir."

TOMMY--"Take the luggage, I'll walk."

BALDNESS

BALD HEADED GUEST--"Well, sonny, what is it that amuses you?"

YOUNG HOPEFUL--"Nothing; only mother has put a brush and comb in your
bedroom."

SCEPTIC--"If you have such an infallible remedy for baldness, why
don't you use it?"

SUBTLE BARBER (very bald)--"Ah, sir, I sacrifice my appearance to
bring 'ome to clients the 'orror of 'airlessness."--_Punch_.

"That bald-headed man who just went out is the greatest optimist I
ever met," said the druggist.

"That so?" asked the customer.

"Yes," replied the druggist. "When I guaranteed my hair restorer he
bought a bottle, and bought a comb and brush because he felt sure he'd
need them in a few days."

Two traveling men, who had not met in several years, were condoling
with each other on their increasing baldness.

"Well," said Jones, "one comfort is that it's only brain workers who
lose their hair."

"Yes," Smith answered, "only thinkers ever become bald. Isn't that so,
Sam?" appealing to the porter.

"Well, I dunno 'bout dat," the darky replied. "My granddad said dat an
empty bahn doan need no cover."

BANKS AND BANKING

Before the passage of the present strict banking laws in Wisconsin,
starting a bank was a comparatively simple proposition. The
surprizingly small amount of capital needed is well illustrated by the
story a prosperous country-town banker told on himself, when asked how
he happened to enter the banking business:

"Well," he said, "I didn't have much else to do, so I rented an empty
store building and painted BANK on the window. The first day I was
open for business a man came in and deposited a hundred dollars with
me; the second day another man dropped in and deposited two hundred
and fifty; and so, by George, along about the third day I got
confidence enough in the bank to put in a hundred myself!"

A negro bank was opened in a small town in Georgia, and Sam deposited
ten dollars. Several weeks later he returned to draw out his
money. When he presented his check the colored cashier looked at it
doubtfully and said: "Sam, you ain't got any money in dis here bank,
but I'll look on de books an' make sure." In a minute he came back and
said: "Yes, you did have ten dollars; but, nigger, de interes' done
eat up dat money."

"Father," said Nellie, "that bank in which you told me to put my money
is in a bad way."

"In a bad way?" returned her father. "Why, my child, that's one of
the strongest banks in the country. What in the world gives you that
idea?"

"Well," said Nellie, "it returned one of my checks today for $30
marked 'No funds.'"

A Buffalo man stopped a newsboy in New York saying: "See here, son, I
want to find the Blank National Bank. I'll give you half a dollar if
you direct me to it."

With a grin, the boy replied: "All right, come along," and he led the
man to a building a half-block away.

The man paid the promised fee, remarking, however, "That was a
half-dollar easily earned."

"Sure!" responded the lad. "But you mustn't fergit that bank-directors
is paid high in Noo Yawk."

HE--"We'll have to give up our intended summer trip. My account at the
bank is already overdrawn."

SHE--"Oh, John, you are such a wretched financier. Why don't you keep
your account in a bank that has plenty of money?"

A Hebrew by the name of Cohen went into a bank one day and asked the
cashier to discount his note. The bank cashier said:

"Mr. Cohen, I can't discount that note unless you get some one you
know, a responsible man, to indorse it."

Cohen said to the cashier: "You know me, und you're responsible; you
indorse it."

BAPTISM

"You don't know me, do you, Bobby?" asked a lady who had recently been
baptized.

"Sure I do," piped the youth. "You're the lady that went in swimming
with the preacher last Sunday."

Little Edward's twin sisters were being christened. All went well
until Edward saw the water in the font. Then he anxiously turned to
his mother and exclaimed: "Ma, which one are you going to keep?"

Throughout the christening ceremony the baby smiled up beautifully
into the clergyman's face.

"Well, madam," said he to the young wife, "I must congratulate you on
your little one's behavior. I have christened more than 2,000 babies,
but I never before christened one that behaved so well as yours."

The young mother smiled demurely, and said:

"His father and I, with a pail of water, have been practising on him
for the last ten days."

"Tommy," said the Sunday-school teacher, who had been giving a lesson
on the baptismal covenant, "can you tell me the two things necessary
to baptism?"

"Yes'm," said Tommy, "water and a baby."

In a small country church, not long since a little child was brought
forward for baptism. The young minister, taking the little one in his
arms, spoke as follows:

"Beloved hearers, no one can foretell the future of this little child.
He may grow up to be a great astronomer, like Sir Isaac Newton, or a
great labor leader like John Burns; and it is possible he might become
the prime minister of England."

Turning to the mother, he inquired, "What is the name of the child?"

"Mary Ann," was the reply.

BAPTISTS

The mayor of a tough border town is about to engage a preacher for the
new church.

"Parson, you aren't by any chance a Baptist, are you?"

"Why, no, not necessarily. Why?"

"Well, I was just agoin' to say we have to haul our water twelve
miles."

BARGAINS

A thin, anemic woman was accosted by her friend on the street: "Why,
Mary, how pale and thin you look! I thought you were going south for
your health."

"I was," said Mary, "but my doctor has offered me such a lovely
bargain in operations--a major operation for one thousand dollars--and
of course I can't resist that."

"How much vas dose collars?"

"Two for a quarter."

"How much for vun?"

"Fifteen cents."

"Giff me de odder vun."

"Ikey," said the teacher, "can you give me a definition for 'a
bargain'?"

"Sure I can," smiled Ikey. "A bargain's when you get the best of
them."

Dad was not greatly pleased by the school report brought to him by his
hopeful.

"How is it?" he demanded, "that you stand so much lower in your
studies for the month of January than for December?"

Samuel was equal to the emergency. "Why, dad," said he, in an injured
tone, "don't you know that everything is marked down after the
holidays?"

Swapping dollars enriches nobody but swapping ideas enriches both
parties to the trade.

A noted wag met an Irishman in the street one day, and thought he
would be funny at his expense.

"Hello, Pat!" he said. "I'll give you eight (in) pence for a
shilling."

"Will ye, now?" said Pat.

"Yes," he replied.

The Irishman handed over the shilling, and his friend put eight pence
into his palm in return.

"Eight in pence," he explained. "Not bad, is it?"

"No," answered Pat; "but the shilling is!"

BASEBALL

"Baseball," says a Big League magnate, "is the public's luxury." The
small boy will disagree with him, a luxury being something you can do
without.-Puck.

At a ball game between a South Carolina negro team and a visiting team
of similar color a negro preacher was acting as umpire. The pitcher
had gone rather wild, and had permitted all the bases to fill. Another
man came to the bat, and the nervous pitcher shot one over.

"Ball one," yelled the ump.

The pitcher tried again.

"Ball two," was the decision.

Another effort by the hurler.

"Ball three," said the umpire.

The pitcher saw his predicament, and made one master effort to save
the day.

"Ball four," yelled the ump, "and the man's out."

"How come, I'se out?" inquired the enraged batter.

"I'se repelled to put you out, nigger. Don't you see dar's nowhere
else to put you?" reasoned the umpire.

They were getting up a ball game in a small town and lacked one
player. They finally persuaded an old fellow to fill in, although he
said he had never played before. He went to the bat and the first ball
pitched he knocked over the fence. Every one stood and watched the
ball, even the batter. Excitedly they told him to run. "Shucks!" he
said, "what's the use of running, I'll buy you another ball."

An Englishman was seeing his first game of baseball, and the "fan" was
explaining the different plays as they were being made.

"Don't you think it's great?" enthusiastically asked the "fan."

"Well," replied the Englishman, "I think it's very exciting, but also
a very dangerous game."

"Dangerous nothing," replied the fan.

Just then a runner was put out at second base.

"What has happened now?" asked the Englishman.

"Chick Smith has died at second," laconically replied the fan.

"Died at second?" replied the astonished Briton. "I knew it was a
dangerous game."

They arrived at the fifth inning.

"What's the score, Jim?" he asked a fan.

"Nothing to nothing," was the reply.

"Oh, goody!" she exclaimed. "We haven't missed a thing!"

At the base ball game.

SHE--"What's the man running for?"

HE--"He hit the ball."

SHE--"I know. But is he required to chase it, too?"

An Englishman was once persuaded to see a game of baseball, and during
the play, when he happened to look away for a moment, a foul tip
caught him on the ear and knocked him senseless. On coming to himself,
he asked faintly, "What was it?"

"A foul--only a foul!"

"Good heavens!" he exclaimed. "A fowl? I thought it was a mule."

BATHS AND BATHING

"S-s-s-s-sus-say, ma," stammered Bobby, through the suds, as his
mother scrubbed and scrubbed him, "I guess you want to get rid o' me,
don't you?"

"Why, no, Bobby dear," replied his mother. "Whatever put such an idea
into your mind?"

"Oh, nuthin'," said Bobby, "only it seems to me you're tryin' to rub
me out."

PA--"At last I've found a way to make that young scamp of ours stop
winking his eyes."

MA--"Really?"

PA--"Yes; I'll show him the article in this science magazine where it
says that every time we wink we give the eye a bath."

BEAUTY, PERSONAL

"Is she very pretty?"

"Pretty? Say! when she gets on a street-car the advertising is a total
loss."

"I don't like these photos at all," he said, "I look like an ape."

The photographer favored him with a glance of lofty disdain.

"You should have thought of that before you had them taken," was his
reply as he turned back to work.

"We're giving Baxby a farewell dinner and I'm to respond to the toast,
'None but the brave deserves the fair.'"

"Sorry for you, old top. You'll have to prove that Baxby is an utter
coward, or that he isn't getting what is his due."

The Chinese are not given to flattery. A gentleman called at a Chinese
laundry for his clothes. On receiving the package he noticed
some Chinese characters marked upon it. He asked, pointing to the
lettering:

"That's my name, I suppose?"

"No; 'scliption," was the Chinaman's bland reply. "'Lil ol' man,
closs-eyed, no teeth.'"--_Everybody's_.

BEGGING

"Some men have no hearts," said the tramp. "I've been a-tellin' that
feller I am so dead broke that I have to sleep outdoors."

"Didn't that fetch him?" asked the other.

"Naw. He tol' me he was a-doin' the same thing, and had to pay the
doctor for tellin' him to do it."

DEAF-AND-DUMB BEGGAR--"Do you think it looks like rain, Bill?"

BLIND BEGGAR--"I dasn't look up to see--here comes one o' my best
customers!"--_Puck_.

He who begs timidly courts a refusal.--_Seneca_.

The matron passed a handout to the disreputable hobo, remarking
curtly, "If you don't mind, eat it outside."

"Bless yer, I'm used to it," he answered. "When I was at home and
in clover, as it were, it was me daily custom, when donnin' me dress
suit, to announce to me valet, 'Parkins, don't await dinner fer me
tonight. I'm dinin' out.'"

BEQUESTS

"There's a story connected with this diamond," said Heinie, pointing
to a big, handsome stone which sparkled in his shirt front. "A friend
of mine by the name of Meyer lay sick in bed. I being his best friend,
he sent for me and said:

"'Heinie, I'm a very sick man. I ain't got long to live. I'm worth
a lot of money, and I'm going to leave it all to you and my other
friends. But I want you to do me one favor. Take this money and when
I'm dead and laid away buy me a nice stone.'

"Those were Meyer's last words, and the day of the funeral I bought
this stone. But how can I give it to him when he's dead?"

BETTING

"Charley, dear," said young Mrs. Torkins, "I am glad to see you taking
as much interest in politics as you formerly took in racing."

"It is the duty of every man and woman to take an interest in
politics."

"Do you wish me to vote for the same candidate that you do?"

"Why shouldn't you?"

"I thought it might be a good idea for me to vote for the other one.
It would be a satisfaction to feel that one or the other of us has at
last succeeded in picking a winner."

A Scottish gentleman on a trip to New Orleans went to see his first
horse-race. He was feeling very reckless, and decided to risk one
dollar, choosing a forty-to-one shot, as that looked like the largest
percentage of gain. By a miracle his horse won, and upon handing his
ticket to the bookmaker, he received forty dollars.

"Do I get all this for my dollar?" he asked. Upon being assured that
he did, he exclaimed. "Hoots! how long has this been going on?"

Little Pat and big Mike had had a dispute, when Mike in contempt said:
"Ye little runt, Oi bet I could carry yez up to the fifth story in me
hod."

Pat immediately took up the bet, saying: "I'd loike to see ye thry
thot same. I'll bet yez fifty cints on it."

Before he knew it Mike had him in his hod and was going up the ladder.
When he got to the fourth story his foot slipped and he almost fell.
He regained his footing, however, and reached the fifth story in
triumph.

"Oi won!" he said.

"Yez did thot," said Pat, "but Oi had high hopes when yer foot
slipped."

BIBLE INTERPRETATION

Senator Simmons was discussing the proposed war-tax on
automobile-owners. "Making war-taxes," he said, "isn't pleasant work.
It puts one in the position of the facetious minister at Ocean Grove
who took a little girl on his knee, and said:

"'I don't love you, Nellie.'"

All the ladies on the breeze-swept veranda laughed, but little Nellie
frowned and said:

"'You've got to love me. You've got to.'"

"'Got to? How so?'" laughed the divine.

"'Because,' said Nellie stoutly, 'you've got to love them that hate
you--and I hate you, goodness knows!'"

"The Bible tells us we should love our neighbors," said the good
deacon.

"Yes, but the Bible was written before our neighbors lived so close,"
replied the mere man.

WILLIE--"Paw, why is the way of the transgressor hard?"

PAW--"Because so many people have tramped on it, my son."

Little Marie was sitting on her grandfather's knee one day, and after
looking at him intently for a time she said:

"Grandpa, were you in the ark?"

"Certainly not, my dear," answered the astonished old man.

"Then why weren't you drowned?"

A bashful curate found the young ladies in the parish too helpful. At
last it became so embarrassing that he left.

Not long afterward--he met the curate who had succeeded him.

"Well," he asked, "how do you get on with the ladies?"

"Oh, very well indeed," said the other. "There is safety in numbers,
you know."

"Ah!" was the instant reply. "I only found it in Exodus."

Bishop Hoss said at a Nashville picnic:

"The religious knowledge of too many adults resembles, I am afraid,
the religious knowledge of little Eve.

"'So you attend Sunday-school regularly?' the minister said to little
Eve."

"'Oh, yes, sir.'"

"'And you know your Bible?'"

"'Oh, yes, sir.'"

"'Could you perhaps tell me something that is in it?'"

"'I could tell you everything that's in it.'"

"'Indeed,' and the minister smiled. 'Do tell me, then.'"

"'Sister's beau's photo is in it,' said little Eve, promptly, 'and
ma's recipe for vanishin' cream is in it, and a lock of my hair cut
off when I was a baby is in it, and the ticket for pa's watch is in
it.'"

"Bobby, do you know you've deliberately broken the eighth commandment
by stealing James's candy?"

"Well, I thought I might as well break the eighth commandment and have
the candy as to break the tenth and only 'covet' it."--_Life_.

"I thought you were preaching, Uncle Bob," said the Colonel, to whom
the elderly negro had applied for a job.

"Yessah, Ah wuz," replied Uncle; "but Ah guess Ah ain't smaht enough
to expound de Scriptures. Ah almost stahved to deff tryin' to explain
de true meanin' uv de line what says 'De Gospel am free.' Dem fool
niggahs thought dat it meant dat Ah wuzn't to git no salary."

The college boys played a mean trick on "Prexy" by pasting some of
the leaves of his Bible together. He rose to read the morning lesson,
which might have been as follows:

"Now Johial took unto himself a wife of the daughters of Belial." (He
turned a leaf.) "She was eighteen cubits in height and ten cubits in
breadth." (A pause and careful scrutiny of the former page.)

He resumed: "Now Johial took unto himself a wife," etc. (Leaf turned.)
"She was eighteen cubits in height and ten cubits in breadth, and was
pitched within and without--" (Painful pause and sounds of subdued
mirth.) "Prexy" turns back again in perplexity.

"Young gentlemen, I can only add that 'Man is fearfully and
wonderfully made'--and woman also."

_See also_ Drinking.

BIGAMY

_The Bugamist._

A June bug married an angleworm;
An accident cut her in two.
They charged the bug with bigamy;
Now what could the poor thing do?

--_Punch Bowl_.

A tariff expert of Kansas City said in a recent address:

"The average tariff argument is amusing in its ignorance. It reminds
me of a certain Kansas City police court.

"A policeman rose in this court to testify against a prisoner.

"'Wot's this here feller charged with?' the magistrate demanded.

"'Bigotry, judge,' the police answered. 'He's got three wives.'

"'Three!' cried the magistrate. 'Why, you ignoramus, that ain't
bigotry. That's trigonometry!'"

"I left my money at home," said the lady on the train to the
conductor. "You will have to trust me. I am one of the directors'
wives."

"I am sorry, madam," replied the conductor. "I can't do that, even if
you were the director's only wife."

BILLS

COLLECTOR--"Did you look at that little bill I left yesterday, sir?"

HOUSE MEMBER--"Yes; it has passed the first reading."

Daniel Webster was once sued by his butcher for a bill of long
standing. Before his suit was settled he met the butcher on the street
and, to the man's great embarrassment, stopped to ask why he had
ceased sending around for his order.

"Why, Mr. Webster," said the tradesman, "I did not think you would
want to deal with me when I've brought suit against you."

"Tut! tut!" said Mr. Webster, "sue me all you wish, but for heaven's
sake don't try to starve me to death!"

"My doctor told me I would have to quit eating so much meat."

"Did you laugh him to scorn?'"

"I did at first; but when he sent in his bill, I found he was right."

TOMMY--"Why do the ducks dive?"

HARP--"Guess they must want to liquidate their bills."

Bill Sprague kept a general store at Croyden Four Corners. One day
he set off for New York to buy a lot of goods. The goods were shipped
immediately; and as Bill had lingered in New York sightseeing, they
reached Croyden Four Corners before him. The goods in an enormous
packing-case were driven to the general store by the local teamster.
Mrs. Sprague came out to see what had arrived and, with a shriek,
tottered and fell.

"Oh, what's the matter, ma'am?" cried the hired girl.

Mrs Sprague, her eyes blinded with tears, pointed to the packing-case,
whereon was stenciled in large black letters: "BILL INSIDE."

When you do not intend to pay a bill there is nothing like being
decisive in your refusal. The other day a bookseller had an "account
rendered" returned to him with the following reply scrawled across the
billhead: "Dear Sir--I never ordered this beastly book. If I did, you
didn't send it. If you sent it, I never got it. If I got it, I
paid for it. If I didn't, I won't. Now go and hang yourself, you
fathead.--Yours very respectfully, John Jones."

PATIENT--"Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up--something
to put me in fighting-trim. Did you put anything like that in this
prescription?"

DOCTOR--"No. You will find that in the bill."--_Judge_.

_See also_ Debts; Collecting of accounts.

BLUFFING

VISITOR (at private hospital)--"Can I see Lieutenant Barker, please?"

MATRON--"We do not allow ordinary visiting. May I ask if you're a
relative?"

VISITOR (boldly)--"Oh, yes! I'm his sister."

MATRON--"Dear me! I'm very glad to meet you. I'm his
mother."--_Punch_.

Yes, life's like poker sure enough. It pays to know just when to
bluff.

Half-way up the steep hill the stage-coach stopped. For the seventh
time the driver climbed down from his seat and opened and slammed the
rear door.

"What do you do that for?" asked a passenger, whose curiosity had got
the better of him.

"Sh-h; spake aisy. Don't let th' mare 'ear yer," cautioned the driver.
"Every toime she 'ears th' door shut she thinks some one has got down,
and it starrts 'er up quicker loike."

Ollie James is a big man personally and politically. He is a United
States senator from Kentucky, and he weighs a trifle more than three
hundred and fifty pounds.

On one occasion, in traveling from New York to Washington, he barely
caught the midnight train, and discovered that the only berth left was
an upper. Having learned from experience that the process of coiling
up his three hundred and fifty pounds and his six feet three inches in
an upper berth was tough stuff, he was indignant. He was particularly
enraged when he noticed that the lower directly under his berth was
occupied by a small man who tipped the scales at not more than a
hundred and twenty.

Ollie grasped the curtains of the berth, shook them vigorously,
growled once or twice, and remarked vindictively to the porter:

"So I've got to sleep in an upper, have I? The last time I did that it
was on a trip from Frankfort to Washington, and the blamed thing broke
down and mashed the man under me. Throw that grip up there, and I hope
to Heaven the berth will hold me."

Then he went back to the smoker and had a cigar.

When he returned, the little man was in the upper.

_As it is_

Weep and you are called a baby,
Laugh and you are called a fool,
Yield and you're called a coward,
Stand and you're called a mule,
Smile and they'll call you silly,
Frown and they'll call you gruff,
Put on a front like a millionaire,
And somebody calls you a bluff.

A successful old lawyer tells the following story anent the beginning
of his professional life: "I had just installed myself in my office,"
he said, "had put in a phone and had preened myself for my first
client who might come along when, through the glass of my door I saw
a shadow. Yes, it was doubtless some one to see me. Picture me, then,
grabbing the nice, shiny receiver of my new phone and plunging into an
imaginary conversation. It ran something like this: 'Yes, Mr. S.,' I
was saying as the stranger entered the office, 'I'll attend to that
corporation matter for you. Mr. J. had me on the phone this morning
and wanted me to settle a damage suit, but I had to put him off, as I
was too busy with other cases. But I'll manage to sandwich your case
in between the others somehow. Yes. Yes. All right. Goodby.' Being
sure, then, that I had duly impressed my prospective client, I hung up
the receiver and turned to him. 'Excuse me, sir,' the man said,
'but I'm from the telephone company. I've come to connect your
instrument.'"

BOARD OF HEALTH

Strolling along the quays of New York harbor, an Irishman came across
the wooden barricade which is placed around the inclosure where
immigrants suspected of suffering from contagious diseases are
isolated.

"Phwat's this fince for?" he inquired of a bystander.

"Oh," was the reply; "that's to keep out fever and things like that,
you know."

"Indade!" said Pat. "Oi've often heard of the board of health, but
bejabers, it's the first time Oi've seen it!"

BOARDING HOUSES

The fare at a certain boarding-house was very poor. A boarder who had
been there for some time, because he could not get away, was standing
in the hall when the landlord rang the dinner-bell. Whereupon an old
dog that was lying outside on a rug commenced to howl mournfully.

The boarder watched him a little while and then said: "What on earth
are you howling for? You don't have to eat it!"

In the soft firelight even the boarding-house sitting-room looked cozy
and attractive. The warmth and comfort thawed the heart of the "star"
boarder. He turned to the landlady and murmured. "Will you be my
wife?"

"Let me see," replied the landlady, "you have been here four years.
You have never once grumbled at the food or failed to pay my bill
promptly and without question. No, sir, I'm sorry. You're too good a
boarder to be put on the free list!"

BOASTING

The engineer had become tired of the boastful talk he heard from the
other engine drivers at his boarding-house. One evening he began:

"This morning I went over to see a new machine we've got at our place,
and it's astonishing how it works."

"And how does it work?" asked one.

"Well," was the reply, "by means of a pedal attachment a fulcrumed
lever concerts a vertical reciprocating motion into a circular
movement. The principal part of the machine is a huge disk that
revolves in a vertical plane. Power is applied through the axis of the
disk, and work is done on the periphery, and the hardest steel by mere
impact may be reduced to any shape."

"What is this wonderful machine?" was asked.

"A grindstone," was the reply.

Senator Tillman was arguing the tariff with an opponent.

"You know I never boast," the opponent began.

"Never boast? Splendid!" said Senator Tillman, and he added quietly,
"No wonder you brag about it."

They are mighty proud of their one sky-scraper up in Seattle.

It is a long, skinny building that stands on one leg like a stork
and blinks down disdainfully from its thousand windows on ordinary
fifteen-story shacks.

A San Francisco man recently in that city was incautious enough to
express surprise.

"What are those posts sticking out all the way up?" he asked a
Seattleite.

"Those are mile-posts," said the Seattle man.

A gentleman from Vermont was traveling west in a Pullman when a group
of men from Topeka, Kansas, boarded the train and began to praise
their city to the Vermonter, telling him of its wide streets and
beautiful avenues. Finally the Vermonter became tired and said
the only thing that would improve their city would be to make it a
seaport.

The enthusiastic Westerners laughed at him and asked how they could
make it a seaport, being so far from the ocean.

The Vermonter replied that it would be a very easy task.

"The only thing that you will have to do," said he, "is to lay a
two-inch pipe from your city to the Gulf of Mexico. Then if you
fellows can suck as hard as you can blow you will have it a seaport
inside half an hour."

BOLSHEVISM

"The reason you disapprove of Bolshevism is that you don't understand
it."

"Probably. Every time I get with Bolshevists and think I am beginning
to understand, they start a riot and take my mind off the subject."

There's just one thing the Bolshevik in America can do well--he can
dampen the fire under the Melting Pot!

Bolshevism--A blow-out on the tire of world-politics.

BOOKS AND READING

A student assistant, engaged in reading the shelves at the public
library, was accosted by a primly dressed middle-aged woman who said
that she had finished reading the last of Laura Jean Libby's writings,
and that she should like something just as good.

The young assistant, unable for the moment to think of Laura Jean
Libby's equal, hastily scanned the shelf on which she was working and,
choosing a book, offered it to the applicant, saying, "Perhaps you
would like this, 'A Kentucky Cardinal.'"

"No," was the reply, "I don't care for theological works."

"But," explained the kindly assistant, with needless enthusiasm, "this
cardinal was a bird!"

"That would not recommend him to me," said the woman, as she moved
away in search of a librarian who should be a better judge of
character as well as of Laura Jean Libby's peers.

Books are the legacies that genius leaves to mankind, to be delivered
down from generation to generation, as presents to the posterity of
those that are yet unborn.--_Addison_.

"Are you interested in a loose-leaf encyclopedia?"

"Nope, got one."

"Indeed! Whose?"

"The Britannica."

"Didn't know they published a loose-leaf edition."

"Huh! You ought to see mine after the children had used the volumes as
building blocks a few years."

A dressy lady asked one of the assistants for an up-to-date story
such as "Women men love" or the "Adventures of Anne." The assistant
selected a story which she thought this type of reader would
appreciate. After a few minutes the dressy lady again appeared with
the book open, and pointing to a quotation on the title page said
"I would like this book or any other by Proverbs." The astonished
assistant read the quotation which was, "who can find a virtuous
woman, her price is far above rubies." _Proverbs_ 31:10.

"How far have you studied, Johnny?" inquired the teacher. "Just as far
as the book is dirty, ma'am."

Our youngest borrower is a little boy of three who reads surprisingly
well for one so young and selects his own books from the children's
room. The other day, however, his mother complained that lately he has
become "lazy" and refuses to read. As we stood talking the little chap
ran joyfully toward her waving a picture book that had been made at
the branch and said, "No words Mother, no words."

If this is borrowed by a friend
Right welcome shall he be;
To read, to study, not to lend
But to return to me.
Not that imparted knowledge doth
Diminish learning's store,
But books, I find, if often lent,
Return to me no more.

"Books are keys to wisdom's treasures;
Books are gates to lands of pleasure;
Books are paths that upward lead;
Books are friends, come, let us read."

When I consider what some books have done for the world, and what they
are doing, how they keep up our hope, awaken new courage and faith,
soothe pain, give an ideal life to those whose hours are cold and
hard, bind together distant ages and foreign lands, create new worlds
of beauty, bring down Truth from heaven; I give eternal blessings for
this gift and thank God for books.

Mr. Dooley says "Books is f'r thim that can't inj'ye thimsilves in
anny other way. If ye're in good health, an ar-re atin' three squares
a day, an' not ayether sad or very much in love with ye'er lot, but
just lookin' on an' not carin' a rush, ye don't need books," he says.

"But if ye're a down-spirited thing an' want to get away an' can't, ye
need books."

1921--"Did you see that movie called 'Oliver Twist'?" FROSH--"Yes, and
say, wouldn't that make a peach of a book?"

Young Isaac stood in line at the library to draw out a book. When his
turn came he asked, respectfully, "Please give me Miss Alcott's Jew
book."

The young lady looked puzzled. "A book by Miss Louisa M. Alcott?" she
queried.

"Yes," reiterated Isaac, "her Jew book."

"Can you remember the title?"

"No; but it's her Jew book," he insisted.

"Well, I'll read over some of the titles of her books to you, and
perhaps you can tell me the one you want when you hear it read."
Patiently she began, "_Little Women, Little Men, Under the Lilacs,
Rose in Bloom_--"

"That's it, that's it!" cried Isaac--"_Rosenbloom_."

A MAID (handing up two books to a library assistant)--"Will you
change these two books, please, for Mrs. Crawley-Smith?"

ASSISTANT--"Are there any others you wish for?"

MAID--"No. Mrs. Crawley-Smith doesn't mind what they are so long as
they have big print and a happy ending."

_Hard to Find_

LIBRARIAN--"What kind of book do you want--fictional, historical,
philosophical--?"

PATRON--"Oh, any kind that H.G. Wells hasn't written."

LIBRARIAN--"We have none!"

BOOKSELLERS AND BOOKSELLING

William Dean Howells, at a dinner in Boston, said of modern American
letters:

"The average popular novel shows on the novelist's part an ignorance
of his trade which reminds me of a New England clerk.

"In a New England village I entered the main street department-store
one afternoon and said to the clerk at the book-counter:

"'Let me have, please, the letters of Charles Lamb.'

"'Post-office right across the street, Mr. Lamb,' said the clerk, with
a naive, brisk smile."

"You never can tell," said a traveling salesman. "Now you'd think
that a little New England village, chock full of church influence and
higher education, would be just the place to sell a book like 'David
Harum,' wouldn't you? Well, I know a man who took a stock up there and
couldn't unload one of 'em. He'd have been stuck for fair if he hadn't
had a brilliant idea and got the town printer to doctor up the title
for him. As it was, he managed to unload the whole lot and get out of
town before the first purchaser discovered that 'David's Harum' wasn't
quite what he had led himself to suppose."

Remember what Roger Mifflin says: "When you sell a man a book, you
don't sell him just three ounces of paper and ink and glue--you sell
him a whole new life. Love and friendship and humour, and ships at sea
by night--there's all heaven and earth in a book."

PENFIELD--"What do you know about Bestseller's new book?"

CRABSHAW--"Nothing at all. I've merely read all the reviews of
it."--_Life_.

MANAGER--"Can't you find some way to make yourself busy around here?"

BOOKISH NEW SALESMAN--"Milton, in his 'Sonnet on Blindness,' says:
'They also serve who only stand and wait.'"

MANAGER--"Yes, but you must keep in mind that Milton's most famous
book was about a fellow that lost his job and went to hades."

"What do you think of my library?"

"I was just looking it over and I notice that you were visited by the
same book agents who landed me."

"There's a fellow outside with a volume of poems
(The title, I think is 'The Beautiful Gnomes'),
He says it's the best of poetical tomes."
"I'll see him next Christmas," the publisher said.

"There's a gentleman waiting to tell you about
A novel of his, which, without any doubt
(So he says), will make critics with happiness shout."
"Oh, tell him I'm ill or rheumatic--or dead."

"There's also a lady who's just come away
From Russia; she says that the Reds are at bay,
And she's willing to write it at so much a day."
"I've just left for Portugal, China and Mars."

"And then there's a bookseller--looks like a gink--
From somewhere out West; Indiana, I think.
I'll tell him you're out buying authors a drink."
"A bookseller? In with him! Boy, the cigars!"

--_Edward Anthony_.

CANVASSER--"May I have a few minutes of your time?"

PROSPECT--"Yes, if you will be brief. What can I do for you; I'm a man
of few words."

CANVASSER--"Just the man I'm looking for, my specialty is
dictionaries."

BOOMERANGS

_See_ Repartee; Retaliation.

BOOSTING

Boost your city, boost your friend,
Boost the lodge that you attend.
Boost the street on which you're dwelling,
Boost the goods that you are selling.
Boost the people 'round about you,
They can't get along without you,
But success will quicker find them,
If they know that you're behind them.
Boost for every forward movement,
Boost for every new improvement,
Boost the man for whom you labor,
Boost the stranger and the neighbor.
Cease to be a chronic knocker,
Cease to be a progress blocker.
If you'd make your city better
Boost it to the final letter.

Boost, and the world boosts with you,
Knock, and you're on the shelf,
For the world gets sick of the one who'll kick
And wishes he'd kick himself.
Boost, for your own achievements,
Boost for the things sublime,
For the one who is found on the topmost round,
Is the Booster every time.

It takes no more time to boost a man than it does to knock him--and
think how much pleasanter for everybody.

BORROWERS

Mr. Tucker had unexpectedly come face to face with Mr. Cutting, from
whom he had frequently borrowed money.

"Er--aw--what was the denomination of the bill you loaned me?" he
asked nervously.

"Episcopalian, I guess," said Mr. Cutting. "At any rate, it keeps Lent
very well."

"There's a friend in the outer office waiting for you, sir."

"Here, James, take this $10 and keep it till I come back."

ED--"Have you forgotten you owe me five dollars?"

NED--"No, not yet. Give me time, and I will."

Jenkins was always trying to borrow money, and his friends had begun
to avoid him.

One morning he tackled an acquaintance in the street before the latter
had a chance to escape.

"I say, old man," began Jenkins, "I'm in a terrible fix. I want some
money badly, and I haven't the slightest idea where on earth I'm going
to get it from."

"Glad to hear it, my boy," returned the other promptly. "I was afraid
that you might have an idea you could borrow it from me."

One of the shrewd lairds of Lanarkshire had evidently experienced the
difficulties of collecting money lent to friends.

"Laird," a neighbor accosted him one morning, "I need twenty poonds.
If ye'll be guid enough to tak ma note, ye'll hae yere money back agin
in three months frae the day."

"Nae, Donald," replied the laird, "I canna do it."

"But, laird, ye hae often done the like fer yere friends."

"Nae, mon, I canna obleege ye."

"But, laird--"

"Will ye listen to me, Donald? As soon as I took yere note ye'd draw
the twenty poonds, would ye no?"

Donald could not deny that he would.

"I ken ye weel, Donald," the laird continued, "and I ken that in
three months ye'd nae be ready to pay me ma money. Then, ye ken, we'd
quarrel. But if we're to quarrel, Donald, I'd rather do it noo, when I
hae ma twenty poonds in ma pocket."

ASKER--"Could you lend me a V?"

TELLIT--"No, I couldn't."

ASKER--"Have you a friend that would lend me a V?"

TELLIT--"No. I have not a friend to spare."

"Has Owens ever paid back that $10 you loaned him a year ago?"

"Oh, yes; he borrowed $25 more from me last week and only took $15."

An Oriental story tells us of a man who was asked to lend a rope to a
neighbor. His reply was that he was in need of the rope just then.

"Shall you need it a long time?" asked the neighbor.

"I think I shall," replied the owner, "as I am going to tie up some
sand with it."

"Tie up sand!" exclaimed the would-be borrower. "I do not see how you
can do that!"

"Oh, you can do almost anything with a rope when you do not want to
lend it," was the reply.

MISS PRITTIKID--"But, father, he is a man you can trust."

HER PA--"Gracious, girl; what I want is one I can borrow from."

BOSTON

MR. PENN--"They say the streets in Boston are frightfully crooked."

MR. HUBB--"They are. Why, do you know, when I first went there I could
hardly find my way around."

"That must be embarrassing."

"It is. The first week I was there I wanted to get rid of an old cat
we had, and my wife got me to take it to the river a mile away."

"And you lost the cat all right?"

"Lost nothing! I never would have found my way home if I hadn't
followed the cat!"

Owing to the war a distinguished Boston man, deprived of his summer
trip to Europe, went to the Pacific coast instead. Stopping off at
Salt Lake City, he strolled about the city and made the acquaintance
of a little Mormon girl.

"I'm from Boston," he said to her. "I suppose you do not know where
Boston is?"

"Oh, yes, I do," answered the little girl eagerly. "Our Sunday-school
has a missionary there."

The motorist was a stranger in Boston's streets. It was evening. A man
approached.

"Sir," said he, "your beacon has ceased its functions."

"What?" gasped the astonished driver.

"Your illuminator, I say, is shrouded in unmitigated oblivion."

"I don't quite--"

"The effulgence of your irradiator has evanesced."

"My dear fellow, I--"

"The transversal ether oscillations in your incandenser have been
discontinued."

Just then a little newsboy came over and said:

"Say, mister, yer lamp's out!"

Senator Hoar used to tell with glee of a Southerner just home from
New England who said to his friend, "You know those little white round
beans?"

"Yes," replied the friend; "the kind we feed to our horses?"

"The very same. Well, do you know, sir, that in Boston the enlightened
citizens take those little white round beans, boil them with molasses
and I know not what other ingredients, bake them, and then--what do
you suppose they do with the beans?"

"They--"

"They eat 'em, sir," interrupted the first Southerner impressively;
"bless me, sir, they eat 'em!"

The newly married couple had gone West to live, and as the Christmas
season drew nigh she became homesick.

"Even the owls are different here," she sighed.

"And how is that?" he asked.

"Here they say 'To-hoot-to-who,' and in Boston they say
'To-hoot-to-whom.'"

"Lay down, pup. Lay down. That's a good doggie. Lay down, I tell you."

"Mister, you'll have to say, 'Lie down.' He's a Boston terrier."

"Well, the Red Sox won the world's series."

"Yes," said the Boston girl, "we feel very proud of the Red--er--the
Red Hose."

BOY SCOUTS

_A Boy Scout's Will_

I, John W. Bradshaw, pioneer scout of the Wolf Patrol, having attained
the age of maturity and realizing that my Boy Scout days are numbered,
do hereby give, devise and bequeath my scout assets, tangible and
intangible, as follows, to wit:

My uniform, pack and equipment, to Larry O'Toole, the son of my
mother's laundress, to be preserved for him until he is old enough to
use them;

My scout's manual, axe and compass, to George Washington Jackson, 3d,
son of my father's handy man, with the admonition that he organize, if
possible, a troop of scouts among the colored boys of the village;

My strap watch with the "see by night" dial, to Roscoe, my small
brother, who has wanted it ever since he learned to tell time;

My waterproof match box and hunting knife, to James Fanning, to be
held in trust until he can repeat the Scout Oath;

To all boys in general I bequeath the knowledge that the Boy Scout
organization teaches obedience, bravery, loyalty, self-respect,
kindness, thrift, cleanliness and reverence; that it makes men of its
members, and that no boy can possibly go wrong by joining it.

BOYS

"I see they are making shingles out of cement now."

"Then I recall my wish to be a boy again."

One of Theodore Roosevelt's sons, when small, was playing in the
Washington streets when a woman recognized him and said she didn't
think his father would like his playing with so many "common boys."

"My father says there are no common boys," replied the young
Roosevelt.

"He says there are only tall boys and short boys, and good boys and
bad boys, and that's all the kinds of boys there are."

Johnny stood beside his mother as she made her selection from the
green grocer's cart, and the latter told the boy to take a handful of
nuts, but the child shook his head.

"What's the matter, don't you like nuts?" asked the green grocer.

"Yes," replied Johnny.

"Then go ahead and take some."

Johnny hesitated, whereupon the green grocer put a generous handful in
Johnny's cap.

After the man had driven on the mother asked: "Why didn't you take the
nuts when he told you to?"

Johnny winked as he said: "'Cause his hand was bigger'n mine."

Golly! Let him whistle, mother!
He's just boy--that's all.
Let him be one while he can: you'll find it pays.
Jolly little baby brother!
When the shadows fall
You'll be wishin' he was back in boyhood days!
If you'd been in France and seen
All the things that I have seen--
Baby faces that will never
Baby faces be again--
Say! You wouldn't check that whistle
For a million iron men!

Lordy! mother, let him holler!
He's not hurting anything;
And he's carefree as a puppy--just that gay.
Dirty shirt, without a collar--
Never was a king
Happy as that baby yonder, yelling at his play.
Little kiddies over there--
Solemn eyes and tangled hair--
Ten years old? That's still a baby!
What he's doin's baby stuff!
And the dignity of manhood
Will be comin' quick enough!

Let him yell and squeal and whistle,
Rollin' in the sand;
Let him have the freedom of the whole back lot.
Things that hurt like thorn o' thistle
Workin' in your hand
You'll be wishin' some time that those things were not!
When I think of babies--old
From the things that can't be told--
And then look at him a-dancin',
Singin', shoutin', in his joy:
Don't put out a hand to stop him!
Mother--let him be a boy!

William's uncle was a very tall, fine-looking man, while his father
was very small. William admired his uncle, and wished to grow up like
him. One day he said to his mother:

"Mama, how did uncle grow so big and tall?"

His mother said: "Well, when uncle was a small boy he was always a
very good boy, and tried to do what was right at all times; so God let
him grow up big and tall."

William thought this over seriously for a few minutes, then said:
"Mama, what kind of a boy was papa?"

_See also_ Office boys.

BRIDES

And men relate that Mrs. Newlywed went to the grocery store to do her
morning marketing. And she was determined that the grocer should not
take advantage of her youth and inexperience.

"These eggs are dreadfully small," she criticized.

"I know it," he answered. "But that's the kind the farmer brings me.
They are just fresh from the country this morning."

"Yes," said the bride, "and that's the trouble with those farmers.
They are so anxious to get their eggs sold that they take them off the
nest too soon!"

"Hello! Is this you, mother, dear?"

"Yes, Sue? What is it? Something awful must have happened for you to
call me up at this--"

"It's not so awful. But, John, dear, hasn't been feeling well and the
doctor gave him pills to take every four hours. I've been sitting up
to give them to him, and now it's about time for the medicine, and
John has fallen asleep. Should I wake him?"

"I wouldn't if I were you. What is he suffering from?"

"Insomnia."

WIFE--"Oh, George, do order a rat-trap to be sent home today."

GEORGE--"But you bought one last week."

WIFE--"Yes, dear, but there's a rat in that."

"What kind of coal do you wish, mum?"

"Dear me, I am so inexperienced in these things. Are there various
kinds?"

"Oh, yes. We have egg coal, chestnut--"

"I think I'll take egg coal. We have eggs oftener than we have
chestnuts."

BROOKLYN

"Where can I find a map of Brooklyn, old man?"

"There ain't any such thing. No one has ever been able to make one."

BROTHERHOOD

The brotherhood of man begins with the manhood of the brother.

To live is not to live for one's self alone; let us help one
another.--_Menander_.

We must love men, ere to us they will seem worthy of our
love.--_Shakespeare_.

BURBANK

One day Luther Burbank was walking in his garden when he was accosted
by an officious acquaintance who said:

"Well, what are you working on now?"

"Trying to cross an eggplant and milk-weed," said Mr. Burbank.

"And what under heaven do you expect from that?"

Mr. Burbank calmly resumed his walk.

"Custard pie," he said.

BUSINESS

There are two reasons why some people don't mind their own business.
One is that they haven't any mind, the other that they haven't any
business.

"I'm a very busy man, sir. What is your proposition?"

"I want to make you rich."

"Just so. Leave your recipe with me and I'll look it over later. Just
now I'm engaged in closing up a little deal by which I expect to make
$3.50 in real money."

A teacher asked those pupils who wanted to go to heaven to raise their
hands. All except little Ikey's hands went up. The teacher asked him
if he didn't want to go to heaven and Ikey replied that he had heard
his father tell his mother that 'Business had all gone to hell' and
Ikey wanted to go where the business had gone.

The vicar's appeal had been a most eloquent one, and had even
penetrated the depths of Mr. Blackleigh's granite organ. The latter
came forward and offered L50 for the fund.

The worthy cleric was overjoyed.

"I don't know your name, sir," he cried; "but I thank you from the
bottom of my heart. I thank you! May your business prosper, sir!"

Then there was a solemn hush, and the committee looked askance at
their vicar.

"What's the matter?" whispered the clergyman, turning to the chairman.

"Well--er--that donor is an undertaker!"

"There is one respect in which a live business man isn't like a tree."

"What is that?"

"If he remains rooted to the spot, he can't branch out."

During a campaign preceding the election of a Missouri Congressman it
was suggested that, since he posed as a good business man, he might be
willing to tell just what a good business man is.

"That's easy," he explained. "A good business man is one who can buy
goods from a Scotchman and sell them to a Jew--at a profit!"

EDITH--"Dick, dear, your office is in State street, isn't it?"

DICKEY--"Yes; why?"

EDITH--"That's what I told papa. He made such a funny mistake about
you yesterday. He said he'd been looking you up in Bradstreet."

FIRST MERCHANT (as reported in the New York "Trade Record")--"How's
business?"

SECOND MERCHANT--"Picking up a little. One of our men got a $5,000
order yesterday."

"Go away. I don't believe that."

"Honest he did--I'll show you the cancellation."

BUSINESS ENTERPRISE

The story of the rival boot-makers, which appeared recently, is
matched by a correspondent of an English paper with another story,
equally old but equally worth repeating. It concerns two rival
sausage-makers. Again, they lived on opposite sides of a certain
street, and, one day, one of them placed over his shop the legend:

"We sell sausages to the gentry and nobility of the country."

The next day, over the way, appeared the sign:

"We sell sausages to the gentry and nobility of the whole country."

Not to be outdone, the rival put up what he evidently regarded as a
final statement, namely:

"We sell sausages to the King."

Next day there appeared over the door of the first sausage-maker the
simple expression of loyalty:

"God save the King."

"Biddy," remarked the newly wed Irishman, "go down and feed the pigs."

"Faith and I will not," replied the bride.

"Don't be after contradicting me, Biddy," retorted the husband.
"Haven't I just endowed you with all my worldly goods, and if you can
not feed your own property, then it's ashamed of you I am."

This was a new point of view, so off Biddy went.

Presently she returned.

"Have you fed the pigs, Biddy?" demanded her husband, sternly.

"Faith, and I have not," she answered. "I have done a great deal
better. As they were my property I have sold them, and shall not be
bothered with them again."

A business man advertised for an office boy. The next morning there
were some fifty boys in line. He was about to begin examining the
applicants when his stenographer handed him a card on which was
scribbled:

"Don't do anything until you see me. I'm the last kid in line, but I'm
telling you I'm there with the goods."

In one of the back streets in Philadelphia is a little jewelry store
which is making progress--witness this incident:

"What's the price of nickel alarm clocks?"

"Dwenty-fife cends."

"What! Why, how's that? Last week you told my son they were a dollar."

"Yaw, dat is so. Listen: You are a good frien', so I tol' you. Ven I
hat some I sells him for von tollar. Now I ain'd got none I sells him
for dwendy-fife cents. Dot makes me a rebutation for cheabness, und I
don't lose noddings!"

_Commercialomania_

PROFITEER--"One million is the price of a gram of radium!"

HIS PARTNER--"And we never thought of trying to sell any!"

An enterprising young florist, in order to increase his trade,
displayed this sign in his window:

"We give a packet of flower seeds with every plant."

His competitor across the street promptly sought to meet the
competition by placing in his window the following announcement:

"We give the earth with every plant."

A very small but live boy applied to a great merchant for a job.

The great man sized him up with twinkling eyes, for the one situation
open needed a bigger parcel of human experience, and asked what
position he wanted.

"A chance to grow up in the business, Mister."

"Well, we are more or less being depopulated by the drafts. What is
your motto, my son?"

"The same as yours," was the ready answer.

"What do you mean?" asked the puzzled merchant.

"Why, on the door there--'Push.'"

He got the job of keeper of that very door.

The proprietors of two rival livery-stables, situated alongside each
other in a busy street, have been having a lively advertising duel
lately.

The other week one of them stuck up on his office window a long strip
of paper, bearing the words:

"Our horses need no whip to make them go."

This bit of sarcasm naturally caused some amusement at the expense of
the rival proprietor, but in less than an hour he neatly turned the
tables by pasting the following retort on his own window:

"True. The wind blows them along!"

A group of farmers were complaining of the potato bugs' ravages.

"The pests ate my whole potato crop in two weeks," said one farmer.

"They ate my crop in two days," said a second farmer, "and then they
roosted on the trees to see if I'd plant more."

A drummer for a seed house cleared his throat.

"Gents," he said, "all that's very remarkable. Let me tell you,
though, what I saw in our own store. I saw a couple of potato bugs
examining the books about a week before planting time to see who had
bought seed."

UNFORTUNATE PEDESTRIAN (who has been knocked down and dazed)--"Where
am I? Where am I?"

ENTERPRISING HAWKER--"'Ere y'are, sir--map of London, one
penny."--_Punch_.

_Why He Was Not Promoted_

He watched the clock.
He was always grumbling.
He was never at the office on time.
He asked too many questions.
His stock excuse was "it isn't necessary."
He wasn't ready for the next step.
He did not put his heart in his work.
He learned nothing from his blunders.
He chose his friends among his inferiors.
He ruined his ability by half-doing things.
He never acted on his own judgment.
He did not think it worth while to learn how.
He imitated the habits of other men who could stand more than he
could.
He did not learn that the best part of his salary was not in his
pay envelope.
He didn't have to.
He was the President of the Company.

--G.M.

BUSINESS ETHICS

Johnny was at the grocery store.

"I hear you have a little sister at your house," said the grocer.

"Yes, sir," said Johnny.

"Do you like that?" was queried.

"I wish it was a boy," said Johnny, "so I could play marbles with him,
and baseball."

"Well," said the storekeeper, "why don't you exchange your little
sister for a boy?"

Johnny reflected for a minute; then he said sorrowfully:

"We can't now; it's too late. We've used her four weeks."

A Priest in Ireland went to Rome, and a number of his parishioners
asked him to buy things for them. Some gave him the cash; others did
not. When he returned, he brought the articles for those who paid for
them in advance. When the others complained, he said, with a wink:

"While I was at sea I got out all the commissions and spread them on
the deck. On the papers of those who had given me the coin I put the
money. The others had nothing to weight them down. A squall of wind
came up. It blew all the unweighted papers into the sea! So the ones
who gave me the money got what they asked me to get. The others must
ask Father Neptune for theirs."

A New York lawyer had in his employ an office-boy who was addicted to
the bad habit of telling in other offices what happened in that of
his employer. The lawyer found it necessary to discharge him, but,
thinking to restrain him from a similar fault in the future, he
counseled the boy, on his departure, in this wise:

"Tommy, you must never hear anything that is said in the office. Do
what you are told, but turn a deaf ear to conversation that does not
include you."

This struck the boss as such a happy inspiration that, to the end that
his stenographer might learn the same lesson, he turned to her and
said:

"Miss Jones, did you hear what I said to Tommy?"

"No, sir," she returned, promptly.

The firm of Hansen & Fransen was started in wartime and did very well
for a couple of years. But last year things were on the down grade,
and the other day, when the two partners had finished making up their
none-too-good record for the year, Hansen said: "This would make
anyone thoughtful. Now that the good times are over, how about a
little honest business?"

"No, thanks," said Fransen. "I never indulge in experiments."

"There are no more enterprising young men. Why, I remember when it was
a common thing for a young man to start out as a clerk and in a few
years own the business."

"Yes, but cash-registers have been invented since."

The junior partner was harried.

"I shall have to get another typist," he lamented. "Miss Take is
continually interrupting my dictation to ask how to spell a word."

"Dear, dear!" said the senior partner. "That seems a great waste of
time."

"It's not that I mind," responded the other. "But it's so bad for
discipline to keep on saying, 'I don't know'!"

_How Business Men Keep Their Spirits Up_

"Cancel my order at once," came the telegram to the factory. The owner
perpetrated the only new joke in the millennium. His telegram in reply
read: "Your order cannot be cancelled at once. You must take your
turn."

CUSTOMER--"Gee, this is a rotten cigar!"

SHOPKEEPER--"Well, don't complain. You've only got one of them--I've
got ten thousand of the darn things."--_Life_.

EMPLOYEE--"I don't like your methods of doing business, Mr. Grafton. I
resign."

"PRACTICAL" BUSINESS MAN (sneeringly)--"You're a holier-than-thou guy,
eh?"

EMPLOYEE--"No; merely a square peg in a crooked hole."--_Puck_.

A New York lawyer tells of a conversation that occurred in his
presence between a bank president and his son who was about to leave
for the West, there to engage in business on his own account.

"Son," said the father, "on this, the threshold of your business life,
I desire to impress one thought upon your mind: Honesty, ever and
always, is the policy that is best."

"Yes, father," said the young man.

"And, by the way," added the gray-beard, "I would advise you to read
up a little on corporation law. It will amaze you to discover how many
things you can do in a business way and still be honest."

"Dod-burn the luck!" snarled old Gideon Cronk, glaring at the clock.
"That confounded bank is closed! That's a thunderin' pretty howdy-do!"

"Well, you've set round the stove here foolin' with the checkerboard
all the afternoon and let the bank close on you," returned the
landlord of the tavern, "What you kickin' about anyhow?"

"I demand that a public institution shall accommodate its patrons;
that's what!"

"Can't you cash your check in the mornin'?"

"I ain't got no check. But if I had one I'd want to cash it when
I wanted to, wouldn't I? Well, it's the principle of the thing I'm
talkin' about!"

BUSINESS WOMEN

Kate's running a tobacco-shop,
Jane draws a wage from carpentry,
And Amaryllis' patent mop
Defies domestic anarchy;
Marie's so capable that she
Keeps foundry laborers from strife;
She heads a motor company--
But where am I to find a wife?

Eradne's made a wondrous top
That's famed from Maine to Italy;
While Wanda's jointed rabbits hop
Through every modern nursery;
May has a mock canteen, where tea
Is served to sound of drum and fife,
Grace reaps from etymology--
But where am I to find a wife?

Maud's raising a world-famous crop
Where honors tie 'twixt bean and pea;
At Daisy's restaurant each chop
Would rouse a Muse from apathy;
Babette's a broker, who must be
Where rumors anent stocks are rife;
They're all most useful, I agree--
But where am I to find a wife?

I do not know on land or sea,
A girl who'd stay at home with me--
In any varied walks of life.
So how am I to find a wife!
_Charlotte Becker_.

CAMPAIGNS

_See_ Public Speakers.

CANDIDATES

TED--"So you think I'm wasting my time making love to that rich girl?"

NED--"You have about as much chance of winning as a landlord running
for office on a dry ticket."

THE HEELER--"Well, I see that Jimpson, them reformers' candidate f'r
Mayor, is goin' t' have all his meetin's opened with prayer."

THE BOSS--"Good! That means he knows he's licked!"

"What do you think of the candidates?"

"Well the more I think of them the more pleased I am that only one of
them can get in."

_See also_ Politicians.

CANDOR

"How is your wife this morning, Uncle Henry?"

"Well, I dunno. She's failin, dretful slow. I do wish she'd git well,
or somethin'."--_Puck_.

Candor may be considered as a compound of justice and the love of
truth.--_J. Abercrombie_.

Candor is the seal of a noble mind, the ornament and pride of man, the
sweetest charm of woman, the scorn of rascals and the rarest virtue of
sociability.--_Bentsel-Sternau_.

'Tis great--'tis manly to disdain disguise,
It shows our spirit, or it proves our strength.--_Young_.

STATISTICIAN (on the platform)--"These are not my figures, ladies and
gentlemen; they are the figures of a man who knows what he is talking
about."

CAPITAL AND LABOR

WILLIE--"Paw, what is the difference between capital and labor?"

PAW--"Well, the money you lend represents capital, and getting it back
represents labor, my son."

If you divorce capital from labor, capital is hoarded, and labor
starves.--_Daniel Webster_.

CARD INDEX

MINING-STOCK PROMOTER--"Where can I hide? The police are coming!"

CHIEF CLERK--"Get into the card-index case. I defy any one to find
anything in there."--_Judge_.

CARELESSNESS

Care may kill people, but don't care kills more.

The editor in charge of the Personal Inquiry column opened his
seventieth letter with a groan.

"I have lost three husbands," a lady reader had written,
confidentially, "and now have the offer of a fourth. Shall I accept
him?"

The editor dipped his pen in the ink. This was the last straw.

"If you've lost three husbands," he wrote, "I should say you are much
too careless to be trusted with a fourth."

CATALOGING

One of the best examples of the humors of cataloging comes in
Sonnenschein's "Best Books," volume one, page 121, where Prof. Henry
Preserved Smith's well-known Old Testament History appears thus:

_Smith, Prf. Hy._ "Preserved O.T. History."

CAUSE AND EFFECT

It was in one of the social settlements conducted by persons of a
philanthropic turn of mind. The young kindergarten teacher, having
finished the morning's talk on hygiene and sanitation, wished to make
a practical application of the lesson. Turning to one little youngster
whose face, hands and whole appearance bespoke the crying need of soap
and water, she asked:

"Izzy, when the house gets all mussed up and dirty, what does mother
do?"

"We move."

LITTLE BOY--"A penn'orth each of liniment and liquid cement, please."

CHEMIST--"Are they both for the same person, or shall I wrap them up
separately?"

LITTLE BOY--"Well, I dunno. Muvver's broke 'er teapot, so she wants
the cement, but farver wants the liniment. 'E's what muvver broke 'er
teapot on."

An old farmer and his wife drove to market one very wet day when large
pools of water had formed in the roadway between the farm and the
town. On the return journey he met an old friend.

"And how are you today?" was the friendly greeting.

"Very well, thank you," answered the farmer.

"How is the missus?" continued the friend.

"Fine," answered the farmer. "She's behind there"--jerking his thumb
toward the back of the wagon.

"She's not there!" exclaimed the astonished friend.

The old farmer turned and looked over his shoulder. Then he coolly
replied:

"Humph! That accounts for the splash."

CAUTION

A small boy, who was sitting next to a very haughty woman in crowded
car, kept sniffling in a most annoying way, until the woman could
stand it no longer.

"Boy, have you got a handkerchief?" she demanded.

The small boy looked at her for a few seconds, and then in a dignified
tone, came the answer.

"Yes, I 'ave, but I don't lend it to strangers."

CHARACTER

Do not tell me the books you have read; let me glean it from your
conversation. Do not tell me of the people you associate with; let me
observe it by your manners.--_Emerson_.

HOWELL--"What sort of a fellow is he?"

POWELL--"He can make two lemons grow where only one grew before and
then hand them both to you when you are not looking."--_Judge_.

To those who know thee not, no words can paint! And those who know
thee, know all words are faint!--_Hannah More_.

_The Stuff That Counts_

The test of a man is the fight he makes,
The grit that he daily shows:
The way he stands on his feet and takes
Fate's numerous bumps and blows,
A coward can smile when there's naught to fear,
When nothing his progress bars,
But it takes a man to stand and cheer
While some other fellow stars.

It isn't the victory, after all,
But the fight that a brother makes;
The man who, driven against the wall,
Still stands up erect and takes
The blows of fate with his head held high,
Bleeding and bruised, and pale.
Is the man who'll win in the by and by,
For he isn't afraid to fail.

It's the bumps you get and the jolts you get
And the shocks that your courage stands.
The hours of sorrow and vain regret,
That prize that escapes your hands
That test your mettle and prove your worth;
It isn't the blows you deal,
But the blows you take on the good old earth
That shows if your stuff is real.

--_Robert W. Service_.

BORLEIGH--"Some men, you know, are born great, some achieve
greatness--"

Miss KEEN--"Exactly! And some just grate upon you."

CHARITY

A tradesman in a certain town put a box outside his shop one day,
labeled "For the Blind." A few weeks afterward the box disappeared.

"Halloa! What's happened to your box for the blind?" he was asked.

"Oh, I got enough money," he replied. "And," pointing upward to the
new canvas blind that sheltered his shop-window, "there's the blind.
Not bad, is it?"

At a Chamber of Commerce dinner a speaker dwelt at great length upon
the suffering people of China. He suggested that all present should
give something for them. A small dry-goods merchant arose and said:

"You have made for me a feeling already that something should be
given. I move that we give three cheers for China."

"I'm sorry that my engagements prevent my attending your charity
concert, but I shall be with you in spirit."

"Splendid! And where would you like your spirit to sit? I have tickets
here for half a dollar, a dollar and two dollars."

A physician whose sole fee is the consciousness of doing good.

CHEERFULNESS

HE--"There's nothing like cheerfulness. I admire anyone who sings at
his work."

SHE--"How you must love a mosquito!"

CHICKEN STEALING

An old negro was charged with chicken-stealing, and the judge said:

"Where's your lawyer, uncle?"

"Ain't got none, jedge."

"But you ought to have one," returned the Court. "I'll assign one to
defend you."

"No, sah, no, sah, please don't do dat," begged the defendant.

"Why not?" persisted the judge. "It won't cost you anything. Why don't
you want a lawyer?"

"Well, Ah'll tell yo', jedge," said the old man confidentially. "Ah
wants ter enj'y dem chickens mahself."

"Is your husband a good provider, Dinah?"

"Yessum, he's a good providah all right, but I'se allus skeered dat
niggah's gwine er git caught at it."

"Is dem you-all's chickens?"

"Cohse dey's my-all's chickens. Who's chickens did you 'spose dey
was?"

"I wasn' s'posen' nuffin about 'em. But I will say dat it's mighty
lucky dat a chicken won' come a runnin' an' a waggin' its tail when
its regular owner whistles, same as a dog."

Rastus had caught Sambo red-handed.

"Ah'm gwine hab yo' arrested foh stealin' mah chickens, yo' Sambo
Washin'ton-dat's jess what ah'm gwine to do," said Rastus.

"Go ahead, nigguh," retorted Sambo. "Go ahead and hab me arrested.
Ah'll mek yo' prove whar yo' got dem chickens yo'seff!"

JUDGE-"I'm going to fine you five dollars for the chickens you stole
the last two weeks."

RASTUS-"How'll it be if Ah pays seben-fifty, Jedge? Dat'll pay fob up
to an' includin' next Saturday night."--_Life_.

A negro soldier was brought up before his superior officer, who said:
"Sam, you are charged with stealing a chicken from this Frenchwoman's
farm. Now, how about it? Have you any witnesses to stand for you?"

"Witnesses?" echoed Sam in surprise. "No, suh, I ain't hab no
witnesses. When I goes chicken stealing I never hab no witnesses
aroun'."

An old colored uncle was found by the preacher prowling in his
barnyard late one night.

"Uncle Calhoun," said the preacher sternly, "it can't be good for your
rheumatism to be prowling round here in the rain and cold."

"Doctor's orders, sah," the old man answered.

"Doctor's orders?" asked the preacher. "Did he tell you to go prowling
round all night?"

"No, sah, not exactly, sah," said Uncle Cal; "but he done ordered me
chicken broth."

In times of peace Smith might have been an author who had drifted into
some useful occupation, such as that of a blacksmith, but just now he
is cook to the Blankshire officers' mess. Smith sent Murphy into the
village to bring home some chickens ordered for the mess.

"Murphy," said Smith, the next day, "when you fetch me chickens again,
see that they are fastened up properly. That lot you fetched yesterday
all got loose, and tho I scoured the village I only managed to secure
ten of them."

"Sh!" said Murphy. "I only brought six."

CHILD LABOR

SOUTHERNER--"Why are you Northerners always harping on the children
employed in Southern factories?"

NORTHERNER--"Well, for one thing, it detracts people's attention from
the children employed in ours."--Life.

CHILDREN

JOHNNY--"What makes the new baby at your house cry so much, Tommy?"

TOMMY--"It don't cry so very much--and, anyway, if all your teeth were
out, your hair off, and your legs so weak you couldn't stand on them,
guess you'd feel like crying yourself."

A little girl was entertaining the visitors while her mother added
the finishing touches to her toilet. One of the ladies said with a
significant look: "Not very p-r-e-t-t-y," spelling the last word.

"No," said the child quickly; "but awful s-m-a-r-t."

It was time for "baby girl" to be in bed, but no amount of coaxing
could get her there. At last her father offered to lie on the bed
till the "sandman" arrived. Off she went "pick-a-back," and the tired
mother leaned back in her chair with a sigh of content, ready for a
hard-earned rest.

Ten minutes--twenty--half an hour, and she was wondering when her
husband would be down, when all at once she heard a soft, stealthy
pit-a-pat. Nearer came the steps, and then a little white-robed form,
with a tiny finger on her lip, stood in the doorway.

"Hush, hush, muvver," she said. "I'se got farver to sleep."

_Taking a Chance_

Junior was in the habit of coming to the table with a dirty face and,
of course, had to be sent away to wash.

One time his mother, nearly losing patience, said: "Junior, why do you
persist in coming to the table without washing? You know I always send
you away."

"Well," said Junior, meekly, "once you forgot."

TOMMY (after a thumping)--"You're awful hard on me, ma."

MOTHER--"That's because you've been very naughty and wicked."

TOMMY--"Well, gee! You should remember that you didn't die young
yourself."

"Can your little baby brother talk yet?" a kindly neighbor inquired of
a small lad.

"No, he can't talk, and there ain't no reason why he should talk," was
the disgusted reply. "What does he want to talk for when all he has
to do is yell a while to get everything in the house that's worth
having?"

Mrs. Jones was getting dinner ready when in came little Fred with a
happy smile on his face.

"What has mamma's darling been doing this morning?" asked his mother.

"I have been playing Postman," replied little Fred.

"Postman?" exclaimed his mother. "How could you do that when you had
no letters?"

"Oh, but I had," replied Fred. "I was looking in your trunk up in your
room and I found a packet of letters tied 'round with a ribbon, and I
posted one under every door in the street."

A little girl who had visited an Episcopalian church for the first
time described the service as follows:

"When we went in they were standing up, singing, but pretty soon they
sat down and played hide-and-seek."

"Did what?" asked her mother.

"Well, of course no one went and hid, but they all covered up their
faces and counted to themselves."

_Training the Other Woman's Child_

They all sat round in friendly chat
Discussing mostly this and that,
And a hat.

Until a neighbor's wayward lad
Was seen to act in ways quite bad;
Oh, 'twas sad!

One thought she knew what must be done
With every child beneath the sun--
She had none.

And ere her yarn had been quite spun
Another's theories were begun--
She had one.

The third was not so sure she knew,
But thus and so she thought she'd do--
She had two.

The next one added, "Let me see;
These things work out so differently."
She had three.

The fifth drew on her wisdom store
And said, "I'd have to think it o'er."
She had four.

And then one sighed, "I don't contrive
Fixt rules for boys, they're too alive."
She had five.

"I know it leaves one in a fix,
This straightening of crooked sticks."
She had six.

And one declared, "There's no rule giv'n,
But do your best and trust to heav'n!"
She had sev'n.

--_Alice Crowell Hoffman_.

Tom, the country six-year-old, presenting himself one day in even more
than his usual state of dust and disorder, was asked by his mother
if he would not like to be a little city boy, and always be nice and
clean in white suits and shoes and stockings. Tom answered scornfully:
"They're not children; they're pets."

_Up-to-date_

KIND STRANGER--"How old is your baby brother, little girl?"

LITTLE GIRL--"He's a this year's model."

The lawyer was sitting at his desk absorbed in the preparation of a
brief. So intent was he on his work that he did not hear the door as
it was pushed gently open, nor see the curly head that was thrust into
his office. A little sob attracted his notice, and turning, he saw a
face that was streaked with tears and told plainly that feelings had
been hurt.

"Well, my little man, did you want to see me?"

"Are you a lawyer?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I want"--and there was a resolute ring in his voice--"I want a
divorce from my papa and mamma."

"Well," mused six-year-old Harry, as he was being buttoned into a
clean white suit, "this has been an exciting week, hasn't it, mother?
Monday we went to the Zoo, Wednesday I lost a tooth, Thursday was
Lily's birthday party, Friday I was sick, yesterday I had my hair cut,
and now here I am rushing off to Sunday-school."

A little saying from a seven-year-old girl.

NEIGHBOR--"How is your mother this morning?"

LITTLE GIRL--"My mother is at the hospital."

NEIGHBOR--"Why! I did not know your mother was ill."

LITTLE GIRL--"No, it is my aunt who is ill."

NEIGHBOR--"What is the matter with your aunt?"

LITTLE GIRL--"She has a bad headache."

NEIGHBOR--"Why! I did not know any one went to the hospital for a bad
headache!"

LITTLE GIRL (looking up quickly with a very interested, bright look
on her face)--"That is not the real reason, I think; they are spelling
things on me."

A little boy of seven was being scolded in a room adjoining one in
which his grandma lay ill. He motioned toward grandma's room and
quietly said, "Sh--! it's too much for her; it'll wear her out."

Later, grandma thanked him for his consideration, whereupon he
replied, "Don't mention it, gran; that was fifty-fifty--part for you
and part for me."

George was hampered by a mother whose idea of godliness was
cleanliness. Notwithstanding the frequent baths to which he was
condemned George thrived exceedingly. One day a neighbor remarked on
his rapid growth.

"Yes," said George, "that's ma's fault--she waters me so much."

_See also_ Boys.

CHOICES

The Czar was recently complimenting a soldier, and asked him if he
would rather have 100 rubles or the Iron Cross.

"Would your Majesty deign to tell me the value of the cross?" inquired
the private.

"Oh, it is not worth much intrinsically, perhaps two rubles."

"Then, your Majesty, I will take the cross and ninety-eight rubles."

This is an interesting episode, and the most interesting thing about
it is that it also happened during the Franco-Prussian War, the
Crimean War, the Seven Years' War, and the Marlborough campaigns.

_Eyeball or Highball_

An old Scotsman was threatened with blindness if he did not give up
drinking.

"Now, McTavish," said the doctor, "it's like this: You've either to
stop the whisky or lose your eyesight, and you must choose."

"Ay, weel, doctor," said McTavish, "I'm an auld man noo, an' I was
thinkin' I ha'e seen about everything worth seein'."

OFFICER-"Hang it! you've brought the wrong boots. Can't you see one is
black and the other brown?"

BATMAN-"Sure, but the other pair is just the same."

"Let me see! How does that old saying go: 'Of two evils always
choose--?"

"Always choose the one you haven't indulged in before."

CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS

Dorothy, who is six, has a playmate younger than herself whose parents
are Christian Scientists. One day she said:

"Mother, do you know that it is better to be a Christian Scientist
than anything else?"

Mother asked "Why?" and Dorothy said:

"Well, Julia has 'splained it to me. If you get cross with another
little girl, and you knock her down, if you are a Christian Scientist
you won't have to apologize to her, because it won't hurt her any."

_A Mental Error_

The tram-car was hopelessly overcrowded, and several people, who
had achieved the upper deck, were transgressing all regulations by
standing.

"Now, then," called out the girl conductor, with emphasis, "you can't
stand on top."

"Well," said one literalist, smiling blandly as he peered down the
steps, "we are standing, whether we can or not."

The girl answered nothing, but promptly pressed a button. The car
jumped forward, and the literalist involuntarily took a seat on the
floor.

"There," said the girl apparently in complete good humor, quoting the
barrister in a famous play, "you think you can, but you can't."

A Christian Scientist while walking about the plant met a man doubled
up with pain.

"My man," he said, "What is the matter?"

"I was out to a banquet last night," moaned the man, "And oh, how I
ache!"

"You don't ache," answered the apostle of Mrs. Eddy. "Your pain is
imagination. It is all in your mind."

The man looked up in grave astonishment at such a statement and then
replied in a most positive manner:

"That's all right; you may think so, but I've got inside information."

CHRISTMAS GIFTS

"Isn't this too absurd?" said the hostess, as she read a letter the
maid had handed to her. "I sent Marie Burns the loveliest of bags for
Christmas. It had been given to me, I knew, and I had so many I saved
it to give away. I suppose we all do those things."

The guest nodded.

"Well, here's her letter of thanks, and listen to what she says:

"'Dear Grace: When I gave you that bag three years ago on Christmas I
was so fond of it I could hardly bear to part with it. So I thank
you most heartily for remembering me this Christmas with my own gift,
which I parted with so unselfishly. Cordially yours, Marie Burns.'"

BILL--"I hear that Jones always saves the Christmas presents people
give him and gives them back the following year."

PHIL--"I hope he does that to me. I gave him a quart of brandy in
1918."

Instead of the usual just-before-Christmas letter to Santa Claus,
Robbie wrote a prayer letter to God. After enumerating the many and
varied presents he wanted very much, he concluded with: "Remember,
God, the Lord loveth a cheerful giver."

CHURCH

SCOTT--"What is your notion of an ideal church?"

JACKSON--"One that meddles with neither politics nor religion."

He had been around from church to church trying to find a congenial
congregation, and finally he stopped in a little church just as the
congregation read with the minister:

"We have left undone those things which we ought to have done, and we
have done those things which we ought not to have done."

The man dropped into a pew with a sigh of relief.

"Thank goodness," he said, "I've found my crowd at last."

HIX--"I understand your Church has sent the minister to Michigan for a
month."

DIX--"Yes, that's right."

HIX--"For a vacation, I suppose?"

DIX--"Yes; the congregation decided that we were entitled to one."

CHURCH ATTENDANCE

"What's the idea of free pews?"

"Well, it gives everyone a chance to stay away from church at a
minimum expense."

_Why They Went to Church_

Mrs. Clogg went to find out where the missionary meeting would be
held.

Willie Jones went because his mother made him.

His sister went because she had her hair up for the first time.

Sadie Williams went to flirt with the Scott boy.

The Scott boy went to flirt with Sadie Williams.

James B. Jenkins went because he had done so for fourteen years.

The sexton went because he had to pump the organ.

One of the girl ushers in a Flatbush theater had a problem offered her
the other evening. She was showing two women to their seats.

"Is the show this evening fit for church women to see?" asked one of
the pillaresses of a Flatbush congregation.

"I--I don't know," responded the girl. Then she brightened. "You see,"
she said, "I don't have no time to go to church."

Mr. Dickson, a colored barber in a large New England town, was shaving
one of his customers, a respectable citizen, one morning, when a
conversation occurred between them respecting Mr. Dickson's former
connection with a colored church in that place:--

"I believe you are connected with the church in Elm Street, are you
not, Mr. Dickson?" said his customer.

"No, sah, not at all."

"What! are you not a member of the African Church?"

"Not this year, sah."

"Why did you leave their communion, Mr. Dickson, if I may be permitted
to ask?"

"Well, I'll tell you sah," said Mr. Dickson, stropping a concave razor
on the palm of his hand, "it war just like dis. I jined the church in
good fait; I give ten dollars toward de stated gospill de fus' year,
and de church people call me 'Brudder Dickson'; the second year my
business not so good, and I gib only five dollars. Dat year the people
call me 'Mr. Dickson.' Dis razor hurt you, sah?"

"No, the razor goes tolerably well."

"Well, sah, the third year I feel berry poor; had sickness in my
family; and I didn't gib noffin' for preachin'. Well, sah, arter dat
dey call me 'dat old nigger Dickson'--and I left 'em."

CHURCH DISCIPLINE

Two Methodist preachers, one white and the other colored, served rural
charges in Mississippi which were conterminous. The negro received a
considerably larger salary than his white brother, who asked him if it
was not his custom to expel his members who failed to pay. "No, boss,"
he replied, "we would not like to put the gospel on a money basis. We
gets them to subscribe, and if they don't pay we turns them out for
lying."

CITIZENS

All the talk of hypenated citizenship has evidently had its effect
upon a San Francisco youngster, American born, who recently rebelled
fiercely when his Italian father whipped him for some misdemeanor.

"But, Tomaso," said one of the family, "your father has a right to
whip you when you are bad."

Tomaso's eyes flashed. "I am a citizen of the United States," he
declared. "Do you think that I am going to let any foreigner lick me?"

CITY AND COUNTRY

_See_ Country life.

CIVICS

Mrs. Profiteer was very proud of the stunts they were doing at the
smart private school to which she had sent her daughter.

"My dear," she said to her friend, "she's learning civics if you
please."

"What's civics?" asked the friend.

"Civics? My dear, don't you know? Why, it's the science of interfering
in public affairs."

CIVILIZATION

France says it is art.
England says it is conquest.
America says it is energy.
Italy says it is song.
Russia says it is work.
Japan says it is imitation.
Satan says it is his private "movie."

Nations, like individuals, live and die; but civilization cannot
die.--_Mazzini_.

The truest test of civilization is not the census, nor the size of
cities, nor the crops; no, but the kind of man the country turns
out.--_Emerson_.

CLASS DISTINCTIONS

Secretary Hoover said at a banquet: "One difference between Europe
and America is that over there they like to keep you in your
place--stationary, you know, while here we like to see a man rise.

"The European idea is pretty well illustrated by the remarks of
Muggins. Muggins on his return from the pub one Saturday night, said
to his wife:

"'I believe in manly pride and reasonable ambition, but when Sergeant
Todd with his cork leg takes to carryin' a cane besides, it looks
to me as if he was tryin' to climb out of the station what Divine
Providence sunk him into.'"

CLEANLINESS

"Ma, do I have to wash my face?"

"Certainly!"

"Aw, why can't I just powder it like you do yours?"

General Sherman once stopped at a country home where a tin basin and
roller-towel sufficed for the family's ablutions. For two mornings the
small boy of the household watched in silence the visitor's toilet.
When on the third day the tooth-brush, nail-file, whisk-broom, etc.,
had been duly used, he asked: "Say, mister, air you always that much
trouble to you'se'f?"

_See also_ Baths and bathing.

CLERGY

Some time ago a dinner was given in New York at which a well-known
actor, who is something of a freethinker along theological lines, sat
at the guest-table. When the hour for starting the feast arrived the
toastmaster, a very religious man, discovered that no minister of the
Gospel was present, tho several had been invited. In this emergency he
turned to the actor and asked him to say grace.

The actor rose, bowed his head, and in the midst of a deep hush said
fervently:

"There being no clergyman present, let us thank God!"

_Horse-power Misrated_

The new minister drove his two-horse rig up to the mountain ranch of
one of his congregation. There had been some difference of opinion as
to his qualifications. At the gate he was met by a small boy of the
family, who was evidently cogitating a matter of deep perplexity.

"Be you our preacher?"

"I am."

The boy eyed first the preacher and then the horses, his brow puckered
with growing perplexity.

"That's queer," he drawled. "I hern Dad tell the neighbors you was a
one-hoss preacher."

Ting-a-ling-a-ling!

The Rev. George C. Abbitt took down the receiver and placed it to his
ear.

"Is that the Dickel Liquor Company?" a woman asked.

Mr. Abbitt recognized the voice as that of one of his parishioners.

"No," he replied in stern reproof; "it is your rector."

Was there a dull thud?

No.

"Indeed," said the lady, quick as a flash, "and pray what are you
doing there?"

TEARFUL PARISHIONER (saying farewell to departing minister)--"I don't
know what we will do when you are gone, Dr. Blank."

MINISTER--"Oh, the church will soon get a better man than I am."

TEARFUL PARISHIONER--"That's what they all say, but they keep getting
worse and worse."

A clergyman was accustomed to use scientific terms which the people
did not understand. A deputation waited on him with the request that
in the future, whenever he used such terms, he would explain them.

On the following Sunday he used the word "hyperbole," and added:

"As agreed on, I beg to explain this word. Were I to say that at this
moment the whole of my congregation are sound asleep, it would
be hyperbole; but if I say that one-half are asleep, that is not
hyperbole, but the truth."

The next day the deputation again called to say that the minister
need not explain technical terms; they'd learn their meaning from a
dictionary.

A minister came to the Episcopal church, at Williamsport, Pa., to
speak.

"Do you wish to wear a surplice?" asked the rector.

"Surplice!" cried the visitor. "Surplice! I am a Methodist. What do I
know about surplices? All I know about is a deficit!"

The Scotch minister rose and cleared his throat, but remained silent,
while the congregation awaited the sermon in puzzled expectancy. At
last he spoke:

"There's a laddie awa' there in the gallery a-kissin' a lassie," he
said. "When he's done ah'll begin."

A clergyman famous for his begging abilities was once catechizing a
Sunday-school. When comparing himself as pastor of the church to a
shepherd, and his congregation to the sheep, he put the following
question to the children: "What does the shepherd do for the sheep?"

To the confusion of the minister a small boy in the front row piped
out: "Shears them!"

A small town boasts a female preacher. One day when working in her
study she heard a timid knock at her door. Answering the summons she
found a bashful young German on the step.

"Good-afternoon," the preacheress remarked. "What do you wish?"

"Do der minister lif in dis house?"

"Yes, sir."

"Yess? Veil, I vant to kit merriet."

"All right; I can marry you."

The lady's hair is beginning to silver and the German glanced at it.
Then without comment he jammed his hat on his head and hurried down
the walk.

"Will you be back?" she called.

"You gits no chance mit me," he answered. "I don't want you; I haf got
me a girl alreaty."

A clergyman was spending the afternoon at a house in the English
village where he had preached. After tea he was sitting in the garden
with his hostess. Out rushed her little boy holding a rat above his
head. "Don't be afraid, mother," he cried; "he's dead. We beat him and
bashed him and thumped him until"--catching sight of the clergyman, he
added, in a lowered voice--"until God called him home."

Two Irish women in the market place of Cork were talking of the new
curate.

"Arrah, Biddy," said one, "did ye hear him last Sunday when he
preached on 'Hell'?"

"Faith an' I did that same, and shure he might have been born and
reared there, so well did he know all about it."

An Episcopal rector and a Roman Catholic priest had neighboring
churches and didn't get along very well. After some time, however,
they got together and decided to bury the hatchet.

"For, after all," said he of the Episcopal faith, "we are both doing
the Lord's work."

"That is true," said the priest. "Let us therefore do his work to the
best of our ability: you in your way," concluded the priest, and then
added with a twinkle, "and I in his!"

_See also_ Contribution box; Preaching.

CLOTHING

"I simply can't understand the combination of my wife's clothes."

"What puzzles you?"

"Well, when she wants to hide anything, she pokes it down her neck,
but when she wants to get it again it's always in her stocking."

_Why They Don't Wear Old Clothes_

Father--Because he never can tell when he might be detained at the
office on business.

Brother Bill--Because he has got to look his best in case he meets (a)
a certain young lady, (b) her father, (c) her mother, (d) any other
near relative of (a).

Sister May--Because everybody would know it if she put on one of last
year's dresses.

Angela, aged five--Because she has outgrown everything she ever wore.

Tommy, aged seven--Because he has outworn everything he hasn't
outgrown.

The Richest Man in Town--Because he can't afford to look shabby.

The Poorest Man in Town--Same reason.

The Mayor--Because he is mayor.

His Chief Rival--Because he hopes to become mayor.

The President of the Ladies' Federation--Because the newspapers are
forever sending photographers after her.

Mother--Because there's no fun playing the game alone.

Where are the clothes of yesteryear--
And of the year before?
Bare is the cupboard--shelf and hook;
Barren, the garret's cobwebbed nook;
Empty, the darksome drawer!
Why should they strangely disappear--
All the old clothes of yesteryear?

Where are the clothes of yesteryear?
Easy would be the search.
Seek them where duty or pleasure calls;
Seek them in learning's classic halls--
Office or club or church.
Rich and lowly, alike, appear
Wearing the clothes of yesteryear.

Honor the clothes of yesteryear,
Deal with them tenderly;
Don them gladly and make them last,
Friends of an opulent era past;
Stout may their fabric be!
Drink long life to their new career--
Here's to the clothes of yesteryear!

--_Jennie Betts Hartswick_.

"I'm afraid these Louis XV heels are much too high for me. Perhaps you
have lower ones--say about Louis X would do, I think."

I can not wear the old suit
I wore long years ago;
It's shiny at the shoulders,
My knees and elbows show.
But on investigation I
Discover this is true:
I can not wear the old suit,
Nor can I buy a new.

"Is this the hosiery department?" said the voice over the phone.

"Yes," replied the weary saleslady.

"Have you any flesh-colored stockings in stock?" asked the voice.

"Yes," replied the weary saleslady. "Whaddy ya want--pink, yellow, or
black?"

They had been poor all their lives. Then one day Uncle Oscar died,
leaving Henry a large sum of money. He cashed the check, hurried home,
and threw the whole amount in his wife's lap. "At last, my dear," he
said, "You will be able to buy yourself some decent clothes."

"I'll do nothing of the sort," sezz she. "I'll get the same kind that
other women wear."

CLUBS

"A lady, you know, rang up the club the other evening.

"'Please call my husband to--,' she began, but she was interrupted.

"'Your husband ain't here, ma'am,' said the attendant, blandly.

"'My goodness gracious me!' the lady exclaimed, 'You're mighty sure
about it, aren't you? And I haven't told you my name yet, either.
Look here, mister, how do you know my husband isn't at the club when I
haven't told you my name?'

"The attendant answered more blandly than ever:

"'Nobody's husband ain't never at the club, ma'am.'"

COAL

There is a New York scientist who is greatly interested in coal
mining. He decided to subscribe to a press-clipping bureau, to get
every new slant on coal. He said to the clipping bureau: "I want
everything you can find about coal." The first clipping he got was an
article about a man who was suing his wife for a separation because
she hit him on the head with a lump of coal.

COFFEE

Senator Stone, of Missouri, is a lover of coffee, and unless it is
both strong and good the waiter at restaurant or hotel soon hears from
him. Recently he took a little trip to Baton Rouge and went into a
restaurant for dinner. On raising his cup to his lips he made a wry
face and then beckoned to the proprietor.

"What do you call this stuff?" he asked.

"Coffee," meekly replied the man, somewhat surprised.

"Coffee!" repeated Stone with scorn. "I could put a coffee bean into
my mouth, dive into the Mississippi River from the end of this street,
swim 'way up to Vicksburg, and I'll guarantee that any one could bail
up much better coffee than this over the entire route!"

COLLECTING OF ACCOUNTS

DRESSMAKER--"I have come to see you sir, about Mrs. Brown's account."

BROWN (angrily)--"Why don't you see my wife about it and not come to
me?"

DRESSMAKER--"I have, several times, but every time I call she does
nothing but order a new gown."

A young Swede in South Dakota, who had been sent out to collect bills
for the general store, returned with this report:

"Yon Brown, he say he pay when he sell his wheat; Ole Oleson, he
say he pay when he sell his oats; and Yon Yonson, he say he pay in
Yanuary."

"In January?" repeated the proprietor, surprised. "Why, he never set a
date before. Are you sure he said in January?"

"Veil, Ay tank it bane Yanuary. He say it bane dam cold day when you
get your money."

During an epidemic in a small Southern town every infected house
was put under quarantine. After the disease had been checked, an old
negress protested vigorously when the health officers started to take
down the sign on her house.

"Why, Auntie," exclaimed the officer, "why don't you want me to take
it down?"

"Well, sah," she answered, "dey ain' be'n a bill collectah neah dis
house sence dat sign went up. You-all let it alone!"

Little Andrew was playing in the yard, in which there is a coop for
his pigeons. All pigeons were inside with the exception of one which
was walking up and down in front of the door. Andrew ran up to his
mother in great excitement and said:

"Mamma, is that one a collector?"

Whereat his mother asked him why. Then Andrew said:

"Well, he can't get in."

"Hello Millett," called out a neighbor one morning "I saw you starting
away yesterday morning very early on your fishing trip. Did you have
any luck?"

"Great!" was the reply. "While I was away three collectors called."

"I wish to see Mr. Jones about a bill."

"He's away on vacation, sir."

"Did he leave any address?"

"Yes, sir. For bill collectors it's 'Somewhere in America.'"

MERCHANT: "They say you are very successful with old bills and seldom
have to dun them twice. What's the secret?"

BAD-BILL COLLECTOR: "I am afflicted with insomnia and do my collecting
nights."

A Texas tradesman has this pertinent sign in a conspicuous place in
his store:

Man is made of dust.

Dust Settles.

Be a Man!

"Norah," said Mrs. Dedbeat, from the top of the stairs, "tell that man
who is ringing the doorbell that I am not receiving today!"

The servant girl went to the door and said something to the man; then
she stepped into the hall and called upstairs:

"I told him you were not receivin' today, ma'am! But he says he ain't
deliverin', he's collectin'!"

He was running a small provision-store in a newly developed district,
and the big wholesale dealers found him very backward in payment of
his accounts.

They sent him letter after letter, each more politely threatening than
the last. Finally they sent their representative down to give him a
sporting chance.

"Now," said the caller, "we must have a settlement. Why haven't you
sent us anything? Are things going badly?"

"No. Everything's going splendidly. You needn't worry. My bankers will
guarantee me all right."

"Then why haven't you paid up?"

"Well, you see, those threatening letters of yours were so well done
that I've been copying them and sending them round to a few customers
of my own who won't pay up, and I've collected nearly all outstanding
debts. I was only holding back because I felt sure there must be a
final letter, and I wanted to get the series complete."

_Probably Meant Florida_

"So the doctor told you to go to a warmer climate. What was the nature
of the trouble you consulted him about?"

"I went there to collect a bill."

"Why don't you pay your bills?" angrily demanded the collector, after
his tenth fruitless call.

"What?" exclaimed Mr. Dedbete. "Do you imagine I could be so
hard-hearted as to deprive you poor fellows of your employment?"

ARTIST--"I'm awfully sorry I can't pay you this month."

LANDLORD--"But that's what you said last month."

ARTIST--"You see I keep my word; you can have confidence in me."

_See also_ Bills; Debts.

COLLECTION BOX

_See_ Contribution box.

COLLEGE GRADUATES

"There's a college graduate at the door. He wants a job."

"What can he do?" asked the self-made man.

"He says he's pretty good in Greek."

"Umph! Tell him I haven't sold $1 worth of goods to Greece since I've
been in the export business."

COLLEGE STUDENTS

"I am delighted to meet you," said the father of the college student,
shaking hands warmly with the professor. "My son took algebra from you
last year, you know."

"Pardon me," said the professor, "he was exposed to it, but he did not
take it."

RUPERT--"What did you do with the cuffs I left on the table last
night?"

ROLAND--"They were so soiled I sent them to the laundry."

RUPERT--"Ye gods, the entire history of England was on them."

'07--"You are always behind in your studies."

'23--"Well, you see, sir, it gives me a chance to pursue them."

STUDENT (writing home)--"How do you spell 'financially'?"

OTHER--"F-i-n-a-n-c-i-a-l-l-y, and there are two R's in
'embarrassed.'"--_Harper's_.

_See also_ Degrees.

COLLEGES AND UNIVERSITIES

SOPH.--"How does it happen you came to Harvard? I thought your father
was a Yale man."

FRESH.--"He was. He wanted me to go to Yale; I wanted to go to
Princeton. We had an argument and he finally told me to go to
H----."--_Yale Record_.

_On The Aristocracy of Harvard_

I come from good old Boston,
The home of the bean and the cod;
Where the Cabots speak only to Lowells,
And the Lowells speak only to God!

--_Dr. Samuel G. Bushnell_.

_On the Democracy of Yale_

Here's to the town of New Haven,
The home of the truth and the light;
Where God speaks to Jones in the very same tones,
That he uses with Hadley and Dwight!

--_Dean Jones_.

COMMITTEE

BOBBIE--"What is a committee, pa?"

FATHER--"A committee, my son, is something which takes a week to do
what one good man can do in an hour."

COMMON SENSE

A farmer, just arrived in town, was walking across the street and
happened to notice a sign on a hardware store, "Cast Iron Sinks."

He stood for a minute and then said, "Any fool knows that."

Common sense is in spite of, not because of age.--_Lord Thurlow_.

Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.--_H. W. Shaw_.

COMMUNISM

We were talking to our friend O'Doul about politics, and he was calm
enough until somebody announced himself "a violent radical."

"I can stand for Socialism--a little of it, anyway," said O'Doul
fiercely; "but it's this Communism that makes me mad; I'm not going to
stand for any form of government under which a man can come up to me
and say, 'O'Doul, there are too many men just like you in New York.
You go out and live in Columbus.'"

A--"Your communism is stupid. If everything were divided today, in a
very short time your portion would be gone. What then?"

B--"Divide again!"

COMMUTERS

Stationed at the Mont Sec observation post, near St. Mihiel, a French
soldier was showing the scenery to a doughboy.

"I have been in this section ever since the beginning of the war," he
said. "Back there is Commercy, where my home is."

"I suppose you get home once in a while?" said the doughboy.

"Nearly every week," was the response.

"Hell," said the doughboy, thinking of his own home in South Bend,
Ind. Then, calling to a comrade, he added: "Hey, buddie; here's a guy
what commutes to the war!"

FIRST COMMUTER--"Do you have to take such an early train as this?"

SECOND COMMUTER--"No. But I find the earlier the train the less
everybody cares to talk."

COMPARISONS

MR. JOHNSON (indignantly)--"Now see here, yo'! Dat's twice yo' called
me Jackson! If yo' don't know no moah dan to confuse me wif dat
wall-eyed, knock-kneed, bandy-legged, fiat-footed, paraletic nigger
Jackson, we'll call dis game right here!"

MR. PERSIMMONS--"'Scuse me, Johnson-'scuse me! Don't draw a razor on
me like Jackson did de other night wen I called him Johnson. Yo'
two fellahs ain't such a much alike 'cept in youah looks an general
characteristics. Dat's all."

It is said that Mr. Asquith has only once been known to laugh outright
when on a public platform. The record-making occasion was at a
political meeting in Scotland. The Premier was constantly being
interrupted, one of the chief hecklers being a farmer wearing a large
straw hat. Suddenly from someone in the hall came a very personal
remark concerning Mr. Asquith.

"Who said that?" he demanded, quickly.

There was sudden silence. Then a man in the audience stood up, and,
pointing to the farmer with the straw hat, shouted:

"It was him wi' the coo's breakfast on his head!"

The reply was altogether too much for Mr. Asquith, and he had to join
in the general roar of laughter.

COMPENSATION

"There's a bright side to everything."

"To those high food prices?"

"Certainly. Think of the cases of indigestion they have cured."

A little girl who had been out walking with her aunt heard the latter
complaining that her feet were tired. "My feet get tired too, when
I go out walking," said the small maiden, "but I always think what a
nice ride my stomach has been having."

"Anyhow, there's one advantage in having a wooden leg," said the
veteran.

"What's that?" asked his friend.

"You can hold your socks up with thumb-tacks."

COMPETITION

The clergyman's eloquence may have been at fault, still he felt
annoyed to find that an old gentleman fell asleep during the sermon on
two consecutive Sundays. So, after service on the second week, he told
the boy who accompanied the sleeper that he wished to speak to him in
the vestry.

"My boy," said the minister, when they were closeted together, "who is
that elderly gentleman you attend church with?"

"Grandpa," was the reply.

"Well," said the clergyman, "if you will only keep him awake during my
sermon, I'll give you a nickel each week."

The boy fell in with the arrangement, and for the next two weeks the
old gentleman listened attentively to the sermon. The third week,
however, found him soundly asleep.

The vexed clergyman sent for the boy and said: "I am very angry with
you. Your grandpa was asleep again today. Didn't I promise you a
nickel a week to keep him awake?"

"Yes," replied the boy, "but grandpa now gives me a dime not to
disturb him."

"Yes," said the specialist, as he stood at the bedside of the sick
purchasing agent, "I can cure you."

"What will it cost?" asked the sick man, faintly.

"Ninety-five dollars."

"You'll have to shade your price a little," replied the purchasing
agent, "I have a better bid from the undertaker."

COMPLIMENTS

A rector in South London was visiting one of his poorer parishioners,
an old woman, afflicted with deafness. She expressed her great regret
at not being able to hear his sermons. Desiring to be sympathetic
and to say something consoling, he replied, with unnecessary
self-depreciation, "You don't miss much."

"So they tell me," was the disconcerting reply.

"You don't seem to enjoy being referred to as a good loser."

"No," replied Cactus Joe. "In the course of time a good loser comes to
be regarded merely as a poor performer."

_See also_ Tact.

CONCEIT

The small girl was at the table drawing, and her mother asked her what
the picture was to be.

"God," replied the child simply.

"But you can't draw God," protested the mother, "because you have
never seen Him; no one has ever seen Him and no one knows what He
looks like."

The small girl licked her pencil and put in another touch. "They'll
all know when I finish this," she said.

A young lady once asked Oscar Wilde to give her a list of the one
hundred greatest books ever written.

"Impossible, my dear," replied Oscar; "I have only written five."

CONDUCT

_I Resolve_

To keep my health
To do my work
To live
To see to it I grow and gain and give
Never to look behind me for an hour
To wait in weakness and to walk in power;
But always fronting onward to the light
Always and always facing toward the right
Robbed, starved, defeated, fallen wide astray
On with what strength I have
Back to the Way.

--_Charlotte Perkins Stetson_.

_Envoy_

If I am happy, and you,
And there are things to do,
It seems to be the reason
Of this world!

Be Noble! and the nobleness that lies
In other men, sleeping but never dead,
Will rise in majesty to meet thine own;
Then wilt thou see it gleam in many eyes
Then will pure light around thy path be shed
And thou wilt nevermore be sad and lone.

--_Lowell_.

"To every man there openeth
A Way and Ways, and a Way,
And the High soul climbs the High Way
And the Low soul gropes the Low,
And in between on the misty flats,
The rest drift to and fro.
But to every man there openeth
A High Way, and a Low,
And every man decideth
The Way his soul shall go."

--_John Oxenham_.

Half the joy of life is in "letting go" every once in a while, and,
if you let go twice every once in awhile, it seems that you have just
that much more fun.

When days go wrong, remember they aren't self-starters.

I often think that anyone can face
A crisis or a crushing tragedy
With calm, exalted courage, but the place
That needs the greatest strength and energy
Is daily grind: to manage just to laugh
At all the petty hazards of each day--
To smile, whilst sifting life's wheat from its chaff
And strive to see just good along the way.

--_Helba Baker_.

_Promise Yourself_

To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.

To talk health, happiness and prosperity to every person you meet.

To make all your friends feel that there is something in them.

To look on the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come
true.

To think only of the best, to work only for the best, and to expect
only the best.

To be just as enthusiastic about success of others as you are about
your own.

To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater
achievements of the future.

To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and to have a smile ready
for every living creature you meet.

To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no
time to criticise others.

To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear,
and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world--not
in loud words, but in great deeds.

To live in the faith that the world is on your side so long as you are
true to the best that is in you.

CONFESSIONS

_Open Confession is Good for the Soul_

Surgeon's instrument case lost in some saloon. Reward. Dr. H.E. Lebel.
1227 Hennepin.

A certain rector, just before the service, was called to the vestibule
to meet a couple who wanted to be married. He explained that there
wasn't time for the ceremony then. "But," said he, "if you will be
seated I will give you an opportunity at the end of the service to
come forward, and I will then perform the ceremony."

The couple agreed, and at the proper moment the clergyman said: "Will
those who wish to be united in the holy bond of matrimony please come
forward?"

Thereupon thirteen women and one man proceeded to the altar.

The Irish lad and the Yiddish boy were engaged in verbal combat.
Finally the subject came down to their respective churches.

"I guess I know that Father Harrity knows more than your Rabbi," the
little Irish boy insisted.

"Shure, he does; vy not?" replied the Jewish boy. "You tell him
everything."

CONFIDENCES

A man got in a cab at a Southern railway station and said: "Drive me
to a haberdasher's."

"Yaas, suh," said the driver, whipped up his horse and drove a block;
then he leaned over to address his passenger: "'Scuse me, boss; whar
d' you say you wanter go?"

"To a haberdasher's."

"Yaas, suh; yaas, suh." After another block there was the same
performance: "'Scuse me, boss, but whar d' you say you wanter go?"

"To a haberdasher's," was the somewhat impatient reply.

Then came the final appeal: "Now, look-a-here, boss, I be'n drivin'
in dis town twenty year', an' I ain't never give nobody away yit. Now,
you jes tell dis nigger whar't is you wanter go."

CONGRESS

"How is the law made?" asked the instructor in United States history.

"Oh," replied the maiden, cheerfully, "the Senate has to ratify it;
and then the President has to--has to veto it; and then the House
of Representatives has to"--she hesitated for a moment, and knit her
pretty forehead.

"Oh, yes! I remember now," she said. "The House of Representatives has
to adjourn until the next session!"

"Has this bill been endorsed by the Prohibition party?"

"Yes."

"And met with the approval of the I.W.W. and the Bolsheviki?"

"Yes."

"And O.K.'d by Mr. Hearst?"

"Certainly."

"Then instruct Congress to pass it as another great measure restoring
the rights of the people."

CONSCIENCE

Wilson and Wilton were discussing the moralities when the first put
this question: "Well, what is conscience, anyhow?"

"Conscience," said Wilton, who prides himself upon being a bit of a
pessimist, "is the thing we always believe should bother the other
fellow."

A young fellow who was the crack sprinter of his town--somewhere in
the South--was unfortunate enough to have a very dilatory laundress.
One evening, when he was out for a practice run in his rather airy and
abbreviated track costume, he chanced to dash past the house of that
dusky lady, who at the time was a couple of weeks in arrears with his
washing.

He had scarcely reached home again when the bell rang furiously and an
excited voice was wafted in from the porch:

"Foh de Lawd's sake! won't you-all tell Marse Bob please not to go out
no moh till I kin git his clo'es round to him?"

Many a man feels that he could be quite comfortable if his conscience
would meet him halfway.

CONSCRIPTION

He was a homesick colored soldier in a labor battalion, and he saw no
chance of a discharge.

"De nex' wah dey has," he announced to a friend, "dey's two men dat
ain't goin'--me an' de man dey sends to git me."

A negro registrant from a farming district was called to service.
Arriving in town, he found the local board had moved to another
street. At the new address another negro languished in the doorway.

"Is dis whar de redemtion bo'd is at?" queried the newcomer.

"Sho' is," answered the second. "But de blessed redeemer done gone out
fo' lunch."

Zeb Smith was a drafted man. He saw heavy fighting in France and was
wounded. On his return to the United States he was interviewed by one
whose duty it was to interest himself in the men.

"Smith, what do you intend to do when you are released from the
service?"

"Get me some dependents," was the instantaneous reply.

The called-up one volubly explained that there was no need in his case
for a medical examination.

"I'm fit and I want to fight. I want to go over on the first boat.
I want to go right into the front trenches, but I want to have a
hospital close, so that if I get hit no time will be wasted in taking
me where I can get mended right away, so that I can get back to
fighting without losing a minute. Pass me in, doctor. Don't waste any
time on me. I want to fight, and keep fighting!"

The doctor, however, insisted, and, when he got through, reported a
perfect physical specimen.

"You don't find nothing wrong with me, doctor?"

"Nothing."

"But, doctor, don't you think I'm a bit crazy?"

_See also_ Judgment.

CONSERVATIVES

_See_ Radicals.

CONSOLATION

FIRST WALL STREET BROKER--"Anything to do today?"

SECOND WALL STREET BROKER--"Certainly not."

"Come to a funeral with me. It will cheer you up a bit."--_Life_.

CONTENTMENT

Contentment is merely the knack of not wanting the things we know we
can't have.

Contentment consisteth not in adding more fuel, but in taking away
some fire.--_Fuller_.

Contentment travels rarely with fortune; but follows virtue even in
misfortune.--_Leszczinski_.

To be content with what we possess is the greatest and most secure of
riches.--_Cicero_.

CONTRIBUTION BOX

"I can na' get ower it," a Scottish farmer remarked to his wife. "I
put a twa-shillin' piece in the plate at the kirk this morning instead
o' ma usual penny."

The beadle had noticed the mistake, and in silence he allowed the
farmer to miss the plate for twenty-three consecutive Sundays.

On the twenty-fourth Sunday the farmer again ignored the plate, but
the old beadle stretched the ladle in front of him and, in a loud,
tragic whisper, hoarsely said:

"Your time's up noo, Sandy."

An old colored minister announced that he had invented an automatic
collection basket, which would be passed around by the deacons of his
church. "It is so arranged, my brethren," said he, "dat if you drop in
a quatah or half dollah it falls noiselessly on a red plush cushion;
if you drop a nickel it will ring a bell dat can be distinctly heard
by de entiah congregation; but if you let fall a suspender button, my
brethren, it will fiah off a pistol."

"Father," said the minister's son, "my teacher says that 'collect' and
'congregate' mean the same thing. Do they?"

"Perhaps they do, my son," said the venerable clergyman; "but you
may tell your teacher that there is a vast difference between a
congregation and a collection."

"My sermon on thrift made a tremendous impression on the
congregation."

"How do you know?"

"I could tell when I counted the collection."

"Rastus, how is it you have given up going to church?" asked Pastor
Brown.

"Well, sah," replied Rastus. "it's dis way. I likes to take an active
part, an' I used to pass de collection-basket, but dey's give de job
to Brothah Green, who jest returned from ovah thai-ah."

"In recognition of his heroic service, I suppose?"

"No, sah. I reckon he got dat job in reco'nition o' his having lost
one o' his hands."

BESS--"Somebody passed a counterfeit dime on Bob a year ago, and he
hasn't been able to get rid of it since."

MAIDEN AUNT (horrified)--"What! Does that young man never go to
church, then?"

A Scotch minister in need of funds thus conveyed his intentions to his
congregation:

"Weel, friends, the kirk is urgently in need of siller, and as we have
failed to get money honestly we will have to see what a bazaar can do
for us."

It is said that the farthing was coined in response to a demand from
Scotchmen for a satisfactory coin for the collection box. It's value
is a fourth of a cent.

A minister was on his vacation in the country. A neighboring church
heard of it and asked him to preach while their own pastor was away.
He consented and, on the Sunday when he was to supply, he and his boy
walked across the fields to the church. In the vestibule there was a
box for voluntary contributions and the minister after feeling around
in his pocket found fifty cents which he dropped in. After the sermon,
the elders came up to express their appreciation for his fine sermon
and then remembered they hadn't yet paid him. They generously decided
to give him all the collection for that Sunday and on opening the
contribution box they found exactly fifty cents. The minister accepted
it and went on his way home. After walking some distance the boy
noticed his father was very silent evidently pondering over something,
so he said, "Father, how much did you get?"

The father replied "Fifty cents, son."

"Why father, that's just what you put in, wasn't it?" asked the boy.

"Yes, son."

Both walked along in silence for some distance further, then the boy
spoke up and said: "Father, if you had put more in, you'd have got
more out, wouldn't you?"

Tight, who had money to burn but was apparently afraid of fire,
happened in a church one day when a collection was being taken for
foreign missions. Eventually the collector reached Tight, but Tight
didn't make any motions like producing beautiful coin.

"Pardon me," said the collector, placing the box before Tight, "we are
taking a collection for foreign missions. Wouldn't you like to add a
little to the amount?"

"No, sir!" was the decisive rejoinder of Tight. "I never give to
foreign missions."

"Then take a little out of the box," softly responded the collector.
"The money is for the benefit of the heathen."

A church in Kansas was raising funds for a new church and the minister
was calling on members for subscriptions. One of the pillars of the
church rose and said: "I subscribe five dollars." Just at that instant
a piece of plaster fell on his head. Half stunned he mumbled "f-f-five
hundred dollars" and the minister prayed "Oh Lord, hit him again."

CONUNDRUMS

A party of young people were amusing themselves by guessing the
answers to conundrums. One of them asked, "Why is the pancake like the
sun?"

"Because it rises in der yeast and sets behind der vest," was the
answer given by a brilliant young Swede.

They were discussing that joke about getting down off an elephant.

"How do you get down?" asked the jokesmith for the fourth time.

"You climb down."

"Wrong!"

"You grease his sides and slide down."

"Wrong!!"

"You take a ladder and get down."

"Wrong!!!"

"Well, you take the trunk line down."

"No, not quite. You don't get down off an elephant; you get it off a
goose."

COOKERY

"So your husband kept house and cooked his own meals while you were
away. Did he enjoy it?"

"He says he did; but I notice that the parrot has learned to swear
during my absence."

"My husband has had indigestion for the past month."

"Really! I'm so sorry! I had no idea you were without a cook."

OFFICER--"Is that soup ready, Jones?"

OFFICER'S SERVANT--"No, sir, the stove went out, sir."

OFFICER--"Went out! Then why don't you light it again?"

OFFICER'S SERVANT--"'Cos it went out by the roof, sir."

"How do you like my pound cake, dearie?" asked Mrs. Newlywed.

"Why, er-er-er," stammered Mr. Newlywed, "I don't think you pounded it
enough, did you?"

She had not been married long. She made a pie for dinner. During the
meal she hesitatingly remarked to her husband:

"I think I left out something and the pie isn't very good."

After taking a bite he sadly replied:

"You are wrong, my dear! Nothing you left out could make a pie taste
like this. It's something you put in."

COOKS

_See_ Servants

COOPERATION

It is not the guns or armament
Or the money they can pay;
It's the close cooperation
That makes them win the day;
It's not the individual
Or the army as a whole
But the everlasting team work
Of every blooming soul.

--_Kipling_.

CORPULENCE

A very fat old lady who got stuck in the door of a car could get
neither out nor in.

"Sideways, ma'am. Try sideways," the conductor shouted helpfully.

"Oh, drat the feller," panted the old lady. "I ain't got no sideways."

"Excuse me, madam, would you mind walking the other way and not
passing the horse?" said an English cabman, with exaggerated
politeness, to the fat woman who had just paid a minimum fare, with no
fee.

"Why?" she inquired.

"Because if 'e sees wot 'e's been carrying for so little money 'e'll
'ave a fit," was the freezing answer.

CORRESPONDENCE SCHOOLS

_The Stamp of Learning_

"Pa, what's a postgraduate?"

"A fellow who graduates from one of those correspondence schools, I
suppose."

COSMOPOLITANISM

JOE--"'Ere, Curly! You know everything-what's a cosmopolitan?"

CURLY--"Well, it's like this-suppose you was a Russian Jew livin'
in England married to a black woman an' you'd just finished a bit of
Irish stew an' was smokin' an Egyptian cigaret, while a German
band outside was playin' the Blue Bells o' Scotland--you'd be a
cosmopolitan."

COST OF LIVING

"He has got the first dollar that he ever earned!"

"What a bally ass! Think how much more he could have bought with it
had he spent it then!"

"She says she prefers to do her shopping by telephone."

"Why so?"

"Says she can't bear to see how little she is getting for the money."

"How's business?"

"Not too good--thanks to some dishonest rascals who are selling goods
at reasonable prices."

"Did you try the simple plan of counting sheep for your insomnia?"

"Yes, doctor, but I made a mess of it. I counted ten thousand sheep,
put 'em on the train, and shipped 'em to market. And when I'd got
through counting the money I got for them at present prices it was
time to get up."

"Father, I need a new riding habit."

"Can't afford it," he growled.

"But, father, what am I to do without a riding habit?"

"Get the walking habit."

In these days of the high cost of living the following story has a
decided point:

The teacher of a primary class was trying to show the children the
difference between the natural and man-made wonders, and was finding
it hard.

"What," she asked, "do you think is the most wonderful thing man ever
made?"

A little girl, whose parents were obviously harassed by the question
of ways and means, replied as solemnly as the proverbial judge:

"A living for a family."

"Why don't you move into more comfortable quarters, old man?"

"I can't even pay the rent on this miserable hole."

"Well, since you don't pay rent, why not get something better?"

MRS. HOMESPUN--"What'll we contribute to the minister's
donation-party?"

FARMER HOMESPUN--"Wal, I dunno, Hannar! Taters is 'way up, pork is
'way up, fowl is 'way up--we'll save money by giving him money."

A farmer, the other day, took a plowshare to the blacksmith's to be
sharpened, and while the blacksmith worked the farmer chuckled and
bragged about a sale of hogs he had just made.

"Them hogs was only eight months old," he said, "and none too fat,
nuther; but I seen that the buyer was at his wits' end, and by skilful
jugglin' I boosted up the price on him just 300 per cent. Yes, by gum,
I got three times more for them hogs than I uster get before the war."

The plowshare being done, the farmer handed the smith 50 cents.

"Hold on," said the smith, "I charge $1.50 for that job now."

"You scandalous rascal!" yelled the farmer. "What do you mean by
treblin' your price on me? What have you done it for?"

"I've done it," said the blacksmith, "so's I'll be able to eat some of
that high-priced pork of yours this winter."

OLD DAME--"You've had two penn'orth of sweets, my little man, but
you've only given me a penny."

THE LITTLE MAN--"Yes, but farver says one penny's got to do the work
of two in war-time."--_Punch_.

"Of course you have your little theory about the cause of the high
cost of living?"

"I have," replied Mr. Growcher: "too many people are trying to make
political economy take the place of domestic economy."

HE--"Yes, I certainly like good food, and always look forward to the
next meal."

SHE--"Why don't you talk of higher things once in a while?"

HE--"But, my dear, what is higher than food?"--_Life_.

A certain judge, after passing sentence, always gave advice to
prisoners. Having before him a man found guilty of stealing, he
started thus:

"It you want to succeed in this world you must keep straight. Now, do
you understand?"

"Well, not quite," said the prisoner; "but if your lordship will tell
me how a man is to keep straight when he is trying to make boths ends
meet, I might."

And another trouble with the country is that too many are trying to
satisfy a bricklayer's appetite on a school-teacher's salary.

SMALL BOY (much interested in shopman's reason for high price
of eggs)--"But, mummy, how do the hens know we're at war with
Germany?"--_Punch_.

"Don't you object to all this talk about the high cost of everything?"

"Not at all," replied the profiteer. "It prepares the mind of a
customer for what he may expect and saves argument."

"How's this, waiter? You've charged me two dollars and a half for
planked steak!"

"Sorry sir, but lumber's gone up again."

Our Government does not profess to live within its income, but only
within ours.

"Farm products cost more than they used to."

"Yes," replied Mr. Corntossel. "When a farmer is supposed to know the
botanical name of what he's raisin' an' the zoological name of the
insect that eats it, and the chemical name of what will kill it,
somebody's got to pay."

_Its Friendly Way_

"How are we to meet the high cost of living?"

"You don't have to meet it," answered the irritating person. "It
overtakes you."

"What are the luxuries of life?"

"Things that were necessities two years ago."

A couple of Philadelphia youths, who had not met in a long while, met
and fell to discussing their affairs in general.

"I understand," said one, "that you broke your engagement with Clarice
Collines."

"No, I didn't break it."

"Oh, she broke it?"

"No, she didn't break it."

"But it is broken?"

"Yes. She told me what her raiment cost, and I told her what my income
was. Then our engagement sagged in the middle and gently dissolved."

COUNTRY LIFE

UNCLE EZRA--"So ye just got back from New York! What's the difference
between the city and the country?"

UNCLE EBEN--"Wal, in the country you go to bed feeling all in and get
up feeling fine, and in the city you go to bed feeling fine and get up
feeling all in."--_Life_.

Little Mary was visiting her grandmother in the country. Walking in
the garden, she chanced to see a peacock, a bird she had never seen
before. After gazing in silent admiration, she ran quickly into the
house and cried out: "Oh, granny, come and see! One of your chickens
is in bloom."

A man living in the heart of London has recently bought a cow, which
he keeps in his back-yard. Thirty milkmen have already been noticed
looking over the wall to see what a cow looks like.

Little Betty had been greatly interested in watching the men in her
grandfather's orchard putting bands round the fruit trees and asked
many questions.

Some weeks later, when in the city with her mother, she noticed a
gentleman with a mourning band round his left sleeve.

"Mamma," she asked, "what's to keep them from crawling up his other
arm?"

A minister, spending a holiday in the North of Ireland, was out
walking, and, feeling very thirsty, called at a farmhouse for a drink
of milk. The farmer's wife gave him a large bowl of milk, and while
he was quenching his thirst a number of pigs got round about him. The
minister noticed that the pigs were very strange in their manner, so
he said:

"My good lady, why are the pigs so excited?"

The farmer's wife replied, "Sure, it's no wonder they are excited,
sir; it's their own little bowl you are drinking out of!"

An enterprising salesman was trying to persuade a farmer to buy a
bicycle. The farmer was in town for the day, and had determined to see
everything.

"I'd rather spend my money on a cow," said he proudly.

"But think," said the salesman, "what a fool you'd look riding about
on a cow."

"Not half such a fool as I'd look trying to milk a bicycle," answered
the farmer.

"Hiram," said the farmer's wife, "what makes you say 'By gosh!' so
much and go round with a straw in your mouth?"

"I'm getting ready for them summer boarders that's comin' next week.
If some of us don't talk an' act that way, they'll think we ain't
country folks at all."

COURAGE

The swain and his swainess had just encountered a bulldog that looked
as if he might shake a mean lower jaw.

"Why, Percy," she exclaimed as he started a strategic retreat. "You
always swore you would face death for me."

"I would," he flung back over his shoulder, "but that darn dog ain't
dead."

"Who led the army in that recent expedition?"

"I did," replied General Tamale.

"I thought the attack was led by General Concarne."

"It was I who prevented great loss of life. He led them going forward,
but I led them coming back."

A man of courage is also full of faith.--_Cicero_.

Courage consists not in blindly overlooking danger, but in seeing it
and conquering it.--_Richter_.

Few persons have courage enough to appear as good as they really
are.--_Hare_.

Conscience in the soul is the root of all true courage. If a man would
be brave, let him learn to obey his conscience.--_Clarke_.

COURTESY

"How do you like your new music-master?"

"He is a very nice, polite young man. When I made a mistake yesterday
he said: 'Pray, mademoiselle, why do you take so much pains to improve
upon Beethoven?'"

Life is not so short but that there is always time enough for
courtesy.--_Emerson_.

How sweet and gracious, even in common speech,
Is that fine sense which men call Courtesy!
Wholesome as air and genial as the light,
Welcome in every clime as breaths of flowers--
It transmutes aliens into trusting friends,
And gives its owner passport round the globe.

--_J.T. Fields_.

COURTS

A couple of old codgers got into a quarrel and landed before the local
magistrate. The loser, turning to his opponent in a combative frame of
mind, cried: "I'll law you to the Circuit Court."

"I'm willin'," said the other.

"An' I'll law you to the Supreme Court."

"I'll be thar."

"An' I'll law to 'ell!"

"My attorney'll be there," was the calm reply.

In the course of his examination these questions were put to an old
negro who was appearing as a witness:

"What is your name?"

"Calhoun Clay, sah."

"Can you sign your name?"

"Sah?"

"I ask if you can write your name?"

"Well, no, sah. Ab nebber writes mah name. Ah dictates it, sah."

MAGISTRATE (to prisoner)--"What is your name?"

PRISONER--"S-s-sam S-s-sissons, S-s-sir."

MAGISTRATE--"Where do you live?"

PRISONER--"S-s-seventy seven S-s-surrey street. S-s-sir."

MAGISTRATE (to policeman)--"Officer, what is this man charged with?"

OFFICER--"Begorry, yer honor. Oi think he must be charged with soda
wather."

In one of the Brooklyn courts a recent case required the testimony of
a young German immigrant.

"Now, Britzmann," said the lawyer for the plaintiff, "what do you do?"

"Ah vos pretty vell," replied the witness.

"I am not inquiring as to your health. I want to know what you do."

"Vork!"

"Where do you work?" continued the counsel.

"In a vactory."

"What kind of a factory?"

"It vos bretty big vactory?"

"Your honor," said the lawyer, turning to the judge, "if this goes on
we'll need an interpreter." Then he turned to the witness again.

"Now, Britzmann, what do you make in the factory?" he asked.

"You vant to know vot I make in der vactory?"

"Exactly! Tell us what you make."

"Eight dollars a veek."

Then the interpreter got a chance to earn his daily bread.

"Uncle Joe Cannon was asked today what he thought of the outlook for
the Republican party in 1916, and he answered with a story.

"A black man was arrested for horse-stealing while I was
prosecuting-attorney in Vermilion county," he said, "and was placed
on trial after being duly indicted. When his day in court came he
was taken before the judge and I solemnly read the charge in the
indictment to him.

"'Are you guilty or not?' I asked.

"The black man rolled uneasily in his chair. 'Well, boss,' he finally
said, 'ain't dat the very thing we're about to try?'"

JUDGE--"Officer, what's the matter with the prisoner--tell her to stop
that crying--she's been at it fifteen minutes" (more sobs).

OFFICER--"Please, sir, I'm a'thinking she wants to be bailed out."

_See also_ Jury; Witnesses.

COURTSHIP

If he is clean and vigorous, suitable for you and quite perfect in
your opinion; if he is the man you think he is and you want him, don't
put him on a pedestal and worship him as an idol.

Be sensible. Wrap him around your little finger and get a ring on the
next.

Mother was out, and Sister Sue was putting on her best blouse, so
six-year-old Bobby had to entertain Sue's young man. As is the way
with his kind, he began to ply the unfortunate caller with questions.

"Mr. Brown," he began, "what is a popinjay?"

"Why--er--a popinjay is a--eh--vain bird."

"Are you a bird, Mr. Brown?"

"No, of course not."

"Well, that's funny. Mother said you were a popinjay, and father said
there was no doubt about your being a jay, and Sue said there didn't
seem to be much chance of your poppin', and now you say you aren't a
bird at all."

Courtship is a bowknot that matrimony pulls into a hard knot.

IRATE PARENT--"No, siree. You can't have her. I won't have a
son-in-law who has no more brains than to want to marry a girl with
no more sense than my daughter has shown in allowing you to think you
could have her."--_Life_.

_The Lover's Farewell_

"Oh! fare you well, my dearest dear,
Oh! fare you well for a while,
I go away, but I'll come back again,
If I go ten thousand miles."

"But who will take me out," she sighed,
"And who will glove my hands,
And who will kiss my ruby lips
When you are in foreign lands?"

"Your brother will take you out," he said,
"Your mother will glove your hands,
And I will kiss your ruby lips
When I return again."

Will and Mary had been busy courting for over two years, meeting every
night in Hope Street, Glasgow. About a fortnight ago, Will, in parting
with his beloved, made the usual remark:

"I'll meet ye in Hope Street tomorrow nicht. Mind and be punctual."

"'Deed, aye, Will, lad," replied Meg, with a merry twinkle in her eye.
"We hae met noo a lang time in Hope Street, an' I was jist thinkin'
that it was high time we were shiftin' oor trystin'-place a street
farther along. Whit wad ye say to Union Street?"

MAUDE--"What makes you think his intentions are serious?"

MABEL--"When he first began to call he used to talk about the books I
like to read."

MAUDE--"And now?"

MABEL--"Now he talks about the things he likes to eat."--_Life_.

"Cheer up, old man! There's other fish in the sea."

REJECTED SUITOR-"Yes, but the last one took all my bait!"--_Life_.

NEIGHBOR--"Got much money in your bank, Bobby?"

BOBBY--"Gee, no! The depositors have fallen off somethin' fierce since
sister got engaged."

"So you want to marry my daughter, eh?" snorted the old man. "Do you
consider yourself financially able to do so?"

"Well," replied the suitor, "after a fellow has bought candy and
flowers for a girl for a year, and has taken her to the theater twice
a week and is still not broke, I guess he can afford to get married."

MR. GOODTHING--"How does your sister like the engagement ring I gave
her, Bobby?"

HER YOUNG BROTHER--"Well, it's a little too small;--she has an awful
hard time getting it off when the other fellows call!"

MR. SLOW (calling on girl)--"You seem rather--er--distant this
evening."

GIRL--"Well, your chair isn't nailed to the floor, is it?"

_See also_ Love; Proposals.

CREDIT

FIRST CREDIT MAN--"How about Jones of Pigville Center?"

SECOND CREDIT MAN--"He always pays cash, so we don't know how honest
he is!"

A little girl of eight entered a store in a small town and said:

"I want some cloth to make my dolly a dress."

The merchant selected some and handed the child the package.

"How much is it?" she asked.

"Just one kiss," was the reply.

"All right," said the child as she turned to go, "grandma said to tell
you she would pay you when she came in tomorrow."

"Them was nice folk you waited on, Mamie, ain't they?" "No, no, dear!
Appearances is deceitful. They didn't have no charge-account. Paid
cash for everything."--_Judge_.

Mr. Butterworth, the grocer, was looking over the credit sales-slips
one day. Suddenly he called to the new clerk:

"Did you give George Callahan credit?"

"Sure," said the clerk. "I--"

"Didn't I tell you to get a report on any and every man asking for
credit?"

"Why, I did," retorted the clerk, who was an earnest young fellow.
"I did get a report. The agency said he owed money to every grocer
in town, and, of course, if his credit was that good I knew that you
would like to have him open an account here!"

A well-known wholesale merchant, who has a wide patronage throughout
the Piedmont region of the South, received the following letter from
one of his customers a few weeks ago:

"I receive your letter about what I owes you. Now be pachent. I ain't
forgot you and soon as folks pay me I'll pay you, but if this was
judgment day and you were no more prepared to meet your Maker than I
am to meet your account then you sho going to hell."

The credit, it may be noted, was extended.

"Rufus, aren't you feeling well?"

"No, sah; I'se not feelin' well, sah."

"Have you consulted your doctor, Rufus?"

"No, sah; I ain't don' dat, sah."

"Why? Aren't you willing to trust your doctor, Rufus?"

"Oh, yes, sah; but de trubble is he's not so alt'gether willin' to
trus' me, sah."

"My son," said old man Reddit,
"Take this advice from me:
The less you use your credit
The better it will be."

CRIME

Lives of master crooks remind us
We may do a bit of time,
And, departing, leave behind us
Thumb-prints in the charts of crime.--_Life_.

Fear follows crime, and is its punishment.--_Voltaire_.

Responsibility prevents crimes.--_Burke_.

If poverty is the mother of crimes, want of sense is the father.--_La
Bruyere_.

But many a crime deemed innocent on earth
Is registered in heaven; and these no doubt
Have each their record, with a curse annex'd.

--_Cowper_.

CRITICISM

A man must serve his time at ev'ry trade,
Save censure; critics all are ready-made.

--_Byron_.

Damn with faint praise, assent with evil leer,
And, without sneering, teach the rest to sneer:
Willing to wound, and yet afraid to strike,
Just hint a fault, and hesitate dislike.

--_Pope_.

THE ARTIST--"Dubbins, the art critic, has slated my pictures
unmercifully."

HIS FRIEND--"Oh, don't take any notice of that fellow; he has no
ideas of his own--he only repeats like a parrot what everybody else is
saying."

CULTURE

JIGGS--"Townsen can read three languages."

TRIGGS--"What are they?"

JIGGS--"Magazines, sporting pages and railroad time-tables."

HE--"Not quite a lady, is she?"

SHE--"No--but I should say her pearls are 'cultured,'"

That is true cultivation which gives us sympathy with every form
of human life, and enables us to work most successfully for its
advancement.--_Beecher_.

CURES

_A Testimonial_

DOCTOR--"Did that cure for deafness really help your brother?"

PAT--"Sure enough; he hadn't heard a sound for years and the day after
he took that medicine, he heard from a friend in America."

CURIOSITY

"My wife is mourning the loss of a ten-thousand-dollar diamond
necklace."

"Why don't you advertise a thousand reward and no questions asked?"

"Well, I could make good on the thousand, but I doubt my wife's
ability to fulfill the rest of that contract."

William E. Weber of the First National Bank says a woman came up to
his window the other day with a cashier's check for fifty dollars.

"What denomination," asked Mr. Weber in his pleasantest manner.

"Lutheran," replied the woman. "What are you?"

CURRENT EVENTS

MRS. BARR--"Henry, what are current events?"

MR. BARR--"Anything shocking, my dear"--_Life_.

CUSTOM

Foote, the comedian, dined one day at a country inn, and the landlord
asked how he liked his fare.

"I have dined as well as any man in England," said Foote.

"Except the mayor," cried the landlord.

"I except nobody," said he.

"But you must!" screamed the host.

"I won't!"

"You must!"

At length a petty magistrate took Foote before the mayor, who observed
that it had been customary in that town for a great number of years
always to "except the mayor," and accordingly fined him a shilling for
not conforming to ancient custom. Upon this decision, Foote paid the
shilling, at the same time observing that he thought the landlord the
greatest fool in Christendom--except the mayor.

To follow foolish precedents, and wink
With both our eyes, is easier than to think.

--_Cowper_.

Custom does often reason overrule,
And only serves for reason to the fool.

--_Rochester_.

DACHSHUNDS

An Englishman sat at a New York boarding-house table. One of the
boarders was telling a story in which a "dachshund" figured. She was
unable for a moment to think of the word.

"It was one of these--what do you call them?--one of these long German
dogs."

The Englishman dropped his fork: his face beamed. "Frankfurters!"

DAMAGES

The conversation turned to the subject of damage-suits, and this
anecdote was recalled by Senator George Sutherland, of Utah.

A man in a Western town was hurt in a railroad accident, and after
being confined to his home for several weeks he appeared on the street
walking with the aid of crutches.

"Hello, old fellow," greeted an acquaintance, rushing up to shake his
hand. "I am certainly glad to see you around again."

"Thanks," responded the injured one. "I am glad to be around again."

"I see you are hanging fast to your crutches," observed the
acquaintance. "Can't you do without them?"

"My doctor says I can," answered the injured party, "but my lawyer
says I can't."

"I have come here," said the angry man to the superintendent of the
street-car line, "to get justice; justice, sir. Yesterday, as my wife
was getting off one of your cars, the conductor stept on her dress and
tore a yard of frilling off the skirt."

The superintendent remained cool.

"Well, sir," he said, "I don't know that we are to blame for that.
What do you expect us to do? Get her a new dress?"

"No, sir. I do not intend to let you off so easily as that," the other
man replied gruffly. He brandished in his right hand a small piece of
silk.

"What I propose to have you do," he said, "is to match this silk."

DANCING

The minister was dining with the Fullers and he was denouncing the
new styles in dancing. Turning to the daughter of the house, he asked
sternly:

"Do you yourself, Miss Fuller, think the girls who dance these dances
are right?"

"They must be," was the answer, "because I notice the girls who don't
dance them are always left."

DAYLIGHT SAVING

"Is your husband in favor of daylight saving?"

"I think so. He stays out so much at night that I think he'd really
prefer not to use any daylight at all."

Young Hopeful, who lives in the suburbs, was very much interested in
the adjustment of the time, and on the morning when the clocks had
been set back an hour awoke his mother.

"Mother, mother," he called from his little bed, "listen to Mrs.
Jones' chickens! They must have forgotten to tell them to set their
crow back."

"Well, yes," admitted Gap Johnson, of Rumpus Ridge, Ark., "I've heerd
something or nuther about setting the clock for'ards or bac'ards for
some reason. I don't prezisely know what. But it don't make no special
difference at our house one way or tother for the clock runs about
as it pleases till some of us sorter climb up and set it b'guess and
b'gosh as you might say. And if we save or lose an hour or two what's
the odds? We've got all the time there is anyway."

Geordie Ryton, the village cobbler, bought two clocks, one a
grandfather's. He put it in a corner and placed a small nickel clock
on the mantel-shelf. The grandfather's clock has not been altered to
the Daylight Saving Bill's requirements. "Hoo is't, Geordie," asked
a customer, "ye've altered the smaal clock and not the gran'faither's
clock?"

"Wey," replied Geordie, "they said the gran'faither's clock's been
tellin' the truth for ower sixty year, an' Aa can't find it in me
heart te make a liar ov it noo. But the little begger wes made in
Jarmany, so it'll be aal reet, he's as reet as can be for that job."

"What is worrying you now?"

"Oh, nothing much," replied the man who is perpetually pensive. "I
am merely trying to figure out what has become of all the daylight I
saved since we set the clocks forward."

"Jonas," ordered the farmer, "all the clocks in the house have run
down. Wish you'd hitch up and ride down to the junction and find out
what time it is."

"I ain't got a watch. Will you lend me one?"

"Watch! Watch! What d'ye want a watch fer? Write it down on a piece of
paper."

DEAD BEATS

_See_ Bills; Collecting of accounts.

DEBTS

CREDITOR--"You couldn't go around in your fine automobile if you paid
your debts."

DEBTOR--"That's so! I'm glad you look at it in the same light that I
do."

HARDUPPE--"I really must apologize for looking so shabby."

FLUBDUBB--"Oh, clothes don't make the man."

HARDUPPE--"Still, many a man owes a lot to his tailor."

"Look 'ere--I asks yer for the last time for that 'arf-dollar yer owes
me."

"Thank 'evins!--that's the end of a silly question."

A floating debt is a poor life saver.

"Yes," said the world traveler, "the Chinese make it an invariable
rule to settle all their debts on New-year's day."

"So I understand," said the American host, "but, then, the Chinese
don't have a Christmas the week before."

OKE--"Would you be satisfied if you had all the money you wanted?"

OWENS--"I'd be satisfied if I had all the money my creditors wanted."

MR. THURSDAY--"Our friend, Dodge, tells me that he is doing settlement
work lately."

MR. FRIDAY--"Yes, his creditors finally cornered him."

"How did Cranbury ever manage to get so deeply in debt as he is?"

"I wish I knew. I can't even stand my grocer off for more than a week
at a time."

RASTUS--"How much, boss?"

DRUGGIST--"Sixty cents and three cents war tax."

RASTUS--"Boss, Ah done thought de wah was over."

DRUGGIST--"Sure, it is, but we have to pay the debts."

RASTUS--"Boss, Ah always thought de one whut lost paid de debts. Dat's
why I fight so hard."

"I was preparing to shave a chap the other afternoon," says a head
barber. "I had trimmed his hair, and from such talk as I had had with
him I judged him to be an easy-going, unexcitable sort of fellow. But
suddenly his manner changed. Out of the corner of his eye he had seen
a man enter whose appearance upset him."

"Hurry, George!" he muttered to me. "Lather to the eyes--quick, quick!
Here comes my tailor!"

IRATE FATHER--"It's astonishing, Richard, how much money you need."

SON--"I don't need it, father; it's the hotel-keepers, the tailors,
and the taxicab men."

_See also_ Bills; Collecting of accounts.

DEGREES

"You college men seem to take life pretty easy."
"Yes; even when we graduate we do it by degrees."

--_Boston Transcript_.

Our British cousins seem to think we have peculiar ways of getting our
D.D.'s over here. A London newspaper relates how the congregation of a
Southern church, being desirous of honoring their pastor, wrote to the
dean of a certain faculty: "We want to get our beloved pastor a D.D.
We enclose all the money we can raise at present. Be good enough to
send one D. now. We hope to raise sufficient for the other D. by and
by."

DEMAGOG

"Father," said the small boy, "what is a demagog?"

"A demagog, my son, is a man who can rock the boat himself and
persuade everybody that there's a terrible storm at sea."

DEMOCRACY

ADKINS--"Well, the world is at last safe for democracy."

WATKINS--"Just what is democracy, anyway?"

"A democracy is a form of government where one party doesn't do things
as they ought to be done, and the other party tells how much better
they would be done if it were in power."

In his first lecture in New York the visiting English writer and wit,
G.K. Chesterton, protested against prohibition and other limitations
on American freedom. He quoted the phrase from Patrick Henry's
address, "Give me liberty or give me death." Then he said:

"If Patrick Henry could arise from the dead and revisit the land of
the living and see the vast system and social organization and social
science which now controls, he would probably simplify his observation
and say: 'Give me death!'"

Democracy means not "I am as good as you are," but "you are as good as
I am."--_Theodore Parker_.

DENTISTS

"Pardon me for a moment, please," said the dentist to the victim, "but
before beginning this work I must have my drill."

"Good heavens, man!" exclaimed the patient irritably. "Can't you pull
a tooth without a rehearsal?"

Dinah had been troubled with a toothache for some time before she got
up enough courage to go to a dentist. The moment he touched her tooth
she screamed.

"What are you making such a noise for?" he demanded. "Don't you know
I'm a 'painless dentist'?"

"Well, sah," retorted Dinah, "mebbe yo' is painless, but Ah isn't."

DENTIST--"Open wider, please--wider."

PATIENT--"A--A--A--Ah."

DENTIST (inserting rubber gag, towel, and sponge)--"How's your
family?"

A young man who needed false teeth wrote to a dentist ordering a set
as follows:

"My mouth is three inches acrost, five-eighths inches threw the jaw.
Some hummocky on the edge. Shaped like a hoss-shew, toe forward. If
you want me to be more particular, I shall have to come thar."

Dentist, speaking to patient about to have a tooth extracted--"Have
you heard the latest song hit?"

Patient--"No. What is the title of it?"

Dentist--"The Yanks are Coming."

Returning home from the dentist's, where he had gone to have a loose
tooth drawn, little Raymond reported as follows:

"The doctor told me 'fore he began that if I cried or screamed it
would cost me a dollar, but if I was a good boy it would be only fifty
cents."

"Did you scream?" his mother asked.

"How could I?" answered Raymond. "You only gave me fifty cents."

Mr. Harkins had taken his boy, aged ten, to have an offending molar
tooth drawn. When the job had been accomplished, the dentist said: "I
am sorry, sir, but I shall have to charge you five dollars for pulling
that tooth."

"Five dollars!" exclaimed Mr. Harkins, in dismay. "Why, I understood
you to say that you charged only one dollar for such work!"

"Yes," replied the dentist, "but this youngster yelled so terribly
that he scared four other patients out of the office."--_Harper's_.

DEPARTMENT STORES

"I want some shoe-strings, some hairpins, a pair of gloves, and a
tooth-brush," the woman said. "I have to catch a train, and have but a
few minutes."

"Yes, madam!" the floorwalker replied briskly. "That's the beauty of a
department store-get anything you want, right under the one roof! Take
elevator to eleventh floor, shoe department, eight aisles to the
right from the main passageway, for shoe-strings; hairpins in notions
department, east side of basement, three aisles beyond hardware;
gloves in women's wear, fifth floor of annex, reached by passageway
over street; toothbrush in drugs and toilet-articles department, on
balcony, reached by moving stairway, which you will find on your right
as you pass the fountain in the florist shop in the center of the main
floor."

DESTINATION

Where'er I go, in this far land,
The people wish to understand
Where I am going. If I knew
They would not think my answer true;
And if I said I did not know
They would advise me not to go.

The new guard was not familiar with a certain railway run in Wales. Came
to a station which rejoiced in the name Llanfairfechanpwllgogerych. For
a few minutes he stood looking at the signboard in mute helplessness.
Then pointing to the board, and waving his other arm toward the
carriages, he called, "If there's anybody there for here, this is it!"

DETECTIVES

HOKUS--"How does Sleuthpup rank as a detective?"

POKUS--"Great. You know, he used to work in the repair department of
an umbrella factory."

"What has that got to do with being a detective?"

"Why, that fellow can recover an umbrella that has never been stolen."

DETERMINATION

"Thirty years ago," said the man who had traveled to the end of
the earth and most of the way back, "I started out, alone, unaided,
without friends to help me along, with the intention of making the
world pay me the living that it owes me. My only allies were a dollar
bill and a determination to make a million more. Today (and he threw
out his chest proudly) I still have the determination and fifty cents
in change."

When hope seems dim
And the worst's in sight,
When you've lost your vim,
Just hang on tight;
Give blow for a blow,
And don't give in,
Till you've let 'em all know
That you tried to win.

DIAGNOSIS

FRIEND--"What is the first thing you do when a man presents himself to
you for consultation?"

DOCTOR--"I ask him if he has a car."

FRIEND--"What do you learn from that?"

DOCTOR--"If he has one, I know he is wealthy--and if he hasn't, I know
he is healthy."

Starting with a wonderful burst of oratory, the great evangelist had,
after two hours' steady preaching, become rather hoarse.

A little boy's mother in the congregation whispered to her son, "Isn't
it wonderful? What do you think of him?"

"He needs a new needle," returned the boy sleepily.

The telephone rang and the bookkeeper answered it.

"Yes, madam, this is Wilkins's market."

"This is Mrs. Blank. I want you to know that the liver you sent me is
most unsatisfactory. It is not calf's liver at all; calf's liver is
tender and----"

"Just a moment, madam, and I'll call the proprietor."

"What is it?" Wilkins asked.

The bookkeeper surrendered the phone.

"Mrs. Blank," he said. "Liver Complaint."

Axel, a Swede in an outfit at Fort Jay, woke up one morning with a
desire to loaf. He got put on sick-call, thinking it was worth trying,
anyway. At the dispensary the "doc." looked him over, felt his pulse,
and took his temperature. Then he said:

"I can't find anything wrong with you."

No answer.

"See here, what's wrong with you anyway?"

"Doc," replied Axel. "That bane your yob."

"Some un sick at yo' house, Mis' Carter?" inquired Lila. "Ah seed de
doctah's kyar eroun 'dar yestiddy."

"It was for my brother, Lila."

"Sho! What's he done got de matter of'm?"

"Nobody seems to know what the disease is. He can eat and sleep as
well as ever, he stays out all day long on the veranda in the sun, and
seems as well as any one; but he can't do any work at all."

"Law, Mis' Carter, dat ain't no disease what you brothe' got! Dat's a
gif!"--_Everybody's_.

DILEMMAS

The house doctor of a Cincinnati theater sometimes tires of his
office; hence the following:

One evening an excited usher rushed to the doctor's seat and whispered
a brief message. The occupant rose at once and both men left the
orchestra hastily and made for the dressing-rooms.

"It's the leading lady," wailed one of the actresses, meeting them;
"come this way."

"Have you poured water on her head?" inquired the doctor, solemnly.

"Yes, from the fire-bucket."

"The fire bucket!--what a fearful blunder! Here," and he scribbled a
line on a card, "take this to the drug-store and get it filled."

When the leading lady found herself alone with the doctor, she opened
her eyes.

"Doctor," she gasped, "you're a good fellow, aren't you? I know you
are aware that there's nothing the matter with me. I want a day off,
and I don't want to go on in this act. Can you fix it?"

"You bet I can," said the doctor, wringing her hand, sympathetically.
"I ain't no doctor. I came in on this ticket."

A lady's leather handbag was left in my car while parked on Park
avenue two weeks ago. Owner can have same by calling at my office,
proving the property and paying for this ad. If she will explain to my
wife that I had nothing to do with its being there, I will pay for the
ad.

"Mamma, if a bear should swallow me, I should die, shouldn't I?"

"Yes, dear."

"And should I go to heaven?"

"Yes, dear. Why do you ask that question?"

"And would the bear have to go too?"

A new regulation in a certain coal-mine required that each man mark
with chalk the number on every car of coal mined.

One man named Ole, having filled the eleventh car, marked it with a
number one and, after pondering a while, let it go at that.

Another miner, happening to notice what he thought was a mistake,
called Ole's attention to the fact that he had marked the car number
one instead of eleven.

"Yes, I know," said Ole; "but I can't tank which side de odder wan go
on."

Dinah Snow was a colored cook in the home of the Smiths. One morning
on going to the kitchen Mrs. Smith noticed that Dinah looked as if she
had been tangled up with a road-roller.

"Why, Dinah!" exclaimed she, "what in the world has happened to you?"

"Was me husban,'" explained Dinah. "He done went an' beat me ag'in,
an' jes' fo' nothin', too!"

"Again!" cried Mrs. Smith, with increasing wonder. "Is he in the habit
of beating you? Why don't you have him arrested?"

"Been thinkin' ob it several times, missy," was the rejoinder of
Dinah, "but I hain't nebah had no money to pay his fine."

"Yes," said the storekeeper, "I want a good, bright boy to be partly
indoors and partly outdoors."

"That's all right," said the applicant, "but what becomes of me when
the door slams shut?"--_Judge_.

DINING

_Nocturne_

The hour grows late,
And hungrily I wait
To hear her say
Three words--three little words,
Yet great
Enough to bring completeness to the day.

At last she comes,
Cassandra tall and dark--
Oh, very dark! A careless tune she hums,
And pauses shamelessly to mark
How her delay has angered or unnerved
The weak among us. Then she snuffles--Hark!
_"Dinnah am served!"_
--E.W.B.

"Has Bobbie been eating between meals?"

"Bobbie has no between meals."--_Life_.

A farmer who went to a large city to see the sights engaged a room
at a hotel, and before retiring asked the clerk about the hours for
dining.

"We have breakfast from six to eleven, dinner from eleven to three,
and supper from three to eight," explained the clerk.

"Wa-al, say," inquired the farmer in surprise, "what time air I goin'
ter git ter see the town?"

"Mama, I want a dark breakfast."

"Dark breakfast? What do you mean, child?"

"Why, last night you told Mary to give me a light supper, and I didn't
like it."

MOTHER (at the breakfast-table)--"You always ought to use your napkin,
Georgie."

GEORGIE--"I am usin' it, mother; I've got the dog tied to the leg of
the table with it."

DIPLOMACY

"Father," said the small boy, "what is an overt act?"

"My son, an overt act is something that either compels you to be so
rude as to fight or so polite as to pretend you didn't notice it."

"Now, sir," said the persuasive philanthropist, "we want you to be the
chairman of the big meeting which we are to hold."

"How much?" inquired Mr. Cassius Chex, wearily.

"I don't quite follow you."

"How much is the deficit that you expect my subscription to meet?"

Uncle Mose owns and operates an "exclusive shoe-shining parlor" in
a little Northwestern town, and, as customers are rather scarce
thereabouts, he can't afford to offend any of them. But his "parlor"
has to be run on a strict cash basis. So when a man a little too well
known to Uncle Mose as "slow pay" about town came in to have his shoes
shined and suggested to the old negro a desire to pay at a later date,
Uncle Mose did some quick thinking.

"I'se sorry, boss; I sure is," he replied with diplomatic suavity;
"but I jes' cain't do it. You see, de banker on de nex' cohner an'
me--we done made a 'greement dat ef I didn't loan money he wouldn't
shine shoes, an' I jes' cain't break dat 'greement."

Diplomacy has been defined as the art of letting someone else have
your way.

DISARMAMENT

Were half the power that fills the world with terror,
Were half the wealth bestowed on camps and courts
Given to redeem the human mind from ERROR,
There were no need of arsenals and forts.

--_Longfellow_.

"What do you think of this disarmament idea?"

"I'm for it. If those people next door will sell their player piano,
I'll agree to have my daughter stop taking singing lessons."

DISCHARGE

COMMANDING OFFICER--"Snathy, here is your honorable discharge, you
ought to be proud of it."

SNATHY--"Deed ah am Cap. Why in civil life when ah was discharged ah
was jest fired."

DISCIPLINE

The principal of a certain school for girls had occasion to speak
sharply to one of the pupils.

"Marion," he said, "you've neglected your work shamefully, and you
must remain with me an hour after school."

Marion shrugged her thin little shoulders. "Well," she said, "if your
wife doesn't mind it, I'm sure I don't."

In a certain public school very advanced ideas are put into practice.
No pupil is ever punished in any way, for the individuality of every
child is considered too sacred for repression.

One day, soon after her enrollment at this school, little Grace
arrived home, her face streaked with tears and her mouth covered with
blood.

"My precious! What happened?" cried her mother.

The little girl was soon pouring out her story in her mother's arms.
Sammy Gates, it appeared, had struck her and knocked out two teeth.

When Grace had been kissed, comforted, and washed, her father wanted
to know how the teacher had dealt with Sammy.

"She didn't do anything," said Grace.

"Well, what did she say?"

"She called Sammy up to the desk and said, 'Sammy, don't you know that
was very anti-social?'"

HUSBAND--"You'll never get that new dog of yours to mind you."

WIFE--"Oh, yes, I will.--You were just as troublesome yourself at
first."

_See also_ Children; Parents.

DISCOUNTS

SPOKESMAN OF CREDITORS--"Veil, Cohen, we've decided to accept five
cents on a tollar--cash."

COHEN, THE DEBTOR--"Cash, you say? Den, of course, I get der regular
cash discount?"--_Puck_.

DISCRETION

WILLIE--"Pa, what is discretion?"

FATHER--"Oh, that's only another name for lack of nerve, my son."

Discretion is the perfection of reason, and a guide to win all the
duties of life.--_Addison_.

DISPOSITION

"Allow me to congratulate you."

"What for?"

"Oh, for just anything--the sunshine, the blue skies, the fact that
you are up and about. Isn't that something?"

"No!"

"Then congratulate me for not having a disposition like yours."

"Have you heard my last joke?" asked the Pest, as he stopped the
Grouch on the street.

"I hope so," replied the Grouch, as he kept on traveling.

"Why is it, Bob," asked George of a very stout friend, "that you fat
fellows are always good natured?"

"We have to be," answered Bob. "You see, we can't either fight or
run."

"What a cheerful woman Mrs. Smiley is!"

"Isn't she? Why, do you know, that woman can have a good time thinking
what a good time she would have if she were having it."

DISTANCES

The German officer who confiscated a map of Cripple Creek belonging
to an American traveler, and remarked that "the German Army might get
there some time," should be classed with the London banker who said
to a solicitous mother seeking to send cash to San Antonio, Texas, for
her wandering son: "We haven't any correspondent in San Antonio, but
I'll give you a draft on New York, and he can ride in and cash it any
fine afternoon."

At Sadieville, Ky., a tourist called to an old colored man: "Hey
uncle! How far is it to Lexington?"

"I don't know, suh; hit used to be 'bout twenty-five mile, but
ev'ything's gone up so I speck hit's 'bout fohty now, suh."

"Where do you live in the city--close in?"

"Fairly so--thirty minutes on foot, fifteen by motor-car, twenty-five
by street-car, and forty-five by telephone."

DIVORCE

"Binks has married again."

"I knew he didn't deserve that divorce!"

At the present terrific rate of divorce cases, we shall soon need a
new reference-book--"Who's Whose."

SOLICITOR (whose client is thinking of getting a divorce)--"Well,
you can get it for about twenty pounds; everything done quietly and no
publicity."

CLIENT--"And how much will the real thing cost, with lots of publicity
and everything?"

WIFE (trying to think of The Hague)--"Let's see, what is the name of
the place where so much was done toward promoting peace in the world?"

HUB--"Reno, my dear."

"And are the divorce laws so very liberal in your section?"

"Liberal? Say! They are so liberal that nobody ever heard of a woman
crying at a wedding out there."

A divorce suit would not appeal so much to a jury if it was cleaned
before it was pressed.

"What are you cutting out of the paper?"

"An item about a California man securing a divorce because his wife
went through his pockets."

"What are you going to do with it?"

"Put it in my pocket."--_Everybody's_.

"Scotsman, married, desires change."--_Weekly Paper_.

We ought to warn him that the Divorce Court is very congested just
now.

To matrimonial speedsters, divorce is just a detour.

DOCTORS

"What is your greatest wish, Doctor, now that you have successfully
passed for your degree?"

YOUNG DOCTOR--"To put 'Dr.' before my own name, and 'Dr.' after the
name of other people."--_Life_.

"Who is your family doctor?"

"I can't tell you."

"Why not? Don't you know his name?"

"Yes. Dr. Johnson used to be our family doctor but nowadays mother
goes to an eye specialist; father to a stomach specialist; my sister
goes to a throat specialist; my brother is in the care of a lung
specialist, and I'm taking treatments from an osteopath."

A young suburban doctor whose practice was not very great sat in his
study reading away a lazy afternoon in early summer. His man servant
appeared at the door.

"Doctor, them boys is stealin' your green peaches again. Shall I chase
them away?"

The doctor looked thoughtful for a moment, then leveled his eyes at
the servant.

"No," he said.

Once an old darky visited a doctor and was given definite instructions
as to what he should do. Shaking his head he started to leave the
office, when the doctor said:

"Here, Rastus, you forgot to pay me."

"Pay yo for what, boss?"

"For my advice," replied the doctor.

"Naw, suh; naw, suh; I ain't gwine take it," and Rastus shuffled out.

M.D.--"Would you have the price if I said you needed an operation?"

MANNING--"Would you say I needed an operation if you thought I didn't
have the price?"--_Life_.

"How do you pronounce 'pneumonia'?" asked the French boy, who had come
to England to learn the language.

His only chum told him.

"That's odd," replied the young Gaul. "It says in this story I am
reading that the doctor pronounced it fatal."

Mr. Roger W. Babson says that in looking up appendicitis cases he
learned that in 17 per cent. of the operations for that disease the
post-mortem examinations showed that the appendix was in perfect
condition.

"The whole subject," he adds, "reminds me of a true story I heard in
London recently. In the hospitals there, the ailment of the patient,
when he is admitted, is denoted by certain letters, such as 'T. B.'
for tuberculosis. An American doctor was examining these history slips
when his curiosity was aroused by the number on which the letters
'G.O.K.' appeared. He said to the physician who was showing him
around:

"'There seems to be a severe epidemic of this G.O.K. in London. What
is it, anyhow?'

"Oh, that means 'God only knows,'" replied the English physician.

The fashionable physician walked in, in his breezy way, and nodded
smilingly at his patient.

"Well, here I am, Mrs. Adams," he announced. "What do you think is the
matter with you this morning?"

"Doctor, I hardly know," murmured the fashionable patient languidly.
"What is new?"

"When I was a boy," said the gray-haired physician, who happened to
be in a reminiscent mood, "I wanted to be a soldier; but my parents
persuaded me to study medicine."

"Oh, well," rejoined the sympathetic druggist, "such is life. Many a
man with wholesale aspirations has to content himself with a retail
business."

The eminent physicians had been called in consultation. They had
retired to another room to discuss the patient's condition. In the
closet of that room a small boy had been concealed by the patient's
directions to listen to what the consultation decided and to tell the
patient who desired genuine information.

"Well, Jimmy," said the patient, when the boy came to report, "what
did they say?"

"I couldn't tell you that," said the boy. "I listened as hard as I
could, but they used such big words I couldn't remember much of it.
All I could catch was when one doctor said:

"'Well, we'll find that out at the autopsy.'"

YOUNG WOMAN (to be neighbor at dinner)--"Guess whom I met today,
doctor?"

DOCTOR--"I'm afraid I'm not a good guesser."

"You're too modest. Aren't you at the top of your
profession?"--_Life_.

DOCTOR--"My dear sir, it's a good thing you came to me when you did."

"Why, Doc? Are you broke?"--_Life_.

"It's a little hard for young doctors to get a start."

"I know. I'm raising whiskers."

"They will help. And I'll loan you some of my magazines for 1876 to
put in your anteroom."

PATIENT--"I want to see doctor. Be this the place?"

DOCTOR--"This is where I practice."

PATIENT--"Don't want no person for to practice on me; I want a doctor
for to cure me."

FRIEND--"To what do you attribute your rapid rise in your profession?"

SURGEON--"It has been my rule all along never to perform an operation
unless I was sure it would be a success either way."

A doctor who had a custom of cultivating the lawn and walk in front of
his home every spring engaged O'Brien to do the job. He went away for
three days and when he returned found O'Brien waiting for his money.
The doctor was not satisfied with his work and said: "O'Brien, the
walk is covered with gravel and dirt, and in my estimation it's a bad
job."

O'Brien looked at him in surprise for a moment and replied: "Shure,
Doc, there's many a bad job of yours covered with gravel and dirt."

"You say this doctor has a large practice?"

"It's so large that when a patient has nothing the matter with him he
tells him so."

_Why She Objected_

An old woman's son was seriously ill and the attending surgeon advised
an operation. But the mother bitterly objected.

"I don't believe in operations!" she exclaimed. "Even the Scriptures
is agin it. Don't the Bible say plain and flat: 'What God hath j'ined
togither, let not man put asunder'?"

REDD--"The doctor said he'd have me on my feet in a fortnight."

GREENE--"And did he?"

"Sure. I've had to sell my automobile."

SPECIALIST--"You are suffering from nerve exhaustion. I can cure you
for the small sum of $2,000."

PATIENT--"And will my nerve be as good as yours then?"

In a confidential little talk to a group of medical students an
eminent physician took up the extremely important matter of correct
diagnosis of the maximum fee.

"The best rewards," he said, "come, of course, to the established
specialist. For instance, I charge twenty-five dollars a call at the
residence, ten dollars for an office consultation, and five dollars
for a telephone consultation."

There was an appreciative and envious silence, and then a voice from
the back of the theater, slightly thickened, spoke:

"Doc," it asked, "how much do you charge a fellow for passing you on
the street?"

An insurance agent was filling out an application blank.

"Have you ever had appendicitis?" he asked.

"Well," answered the applicant, "I was operated on but I have
never felt quite sure whether it was appendicitis or professional
curiosity."

"Oh, doctor, I have sent for you, certainly; still, I must confess
that I have not the slightest faith in modern medical science."

"Well," said the doctor, "that doesn't matter in the least. You see, a
mule has no faith in the veterinary surgeon, and yet he cures him all
the same."

_A Great Difference_

A noted physician, particularly expeditious in examining and
prescribing for his patients, was sought out by an army man whom
he "polished off" in almost less than no time. As the patient was
leaving, he shook hands heartily with the doctor and said:

"I am especially glad to have met you, as I have often heard my
father, Colonel Blank, speak of you."

"What!" exclaimed the physician, "are you old Tom's son?"

"Certainly."

"My dear fellow," cried the doctor, "fling that infernal prescription
in the fire and sit down and tell me what is the matter with you."

"Father, what is a convalescent?"

"A patient who is still alive, son."

Young M.D.--"Well, Dad, I'm hanging out my shingle; can't you give me
some rules for success?"

"Always write your prescriptions illegibly and your bills very
plainly."

MOTHER (after visitor had gone)--"Bobby, what on earth made you stick
out your tongue at our pastor? Oh, dear!..."

BOBBY--"Why, muvver, I just showed it to him. He said, 'Littul man,
how do you feel?'--and I thort he was a doctor!"

An Irishman coming out of ether in the ward after an operation,
exclaimed audibly: "Thank God! That's over!" "Don't be too sure," said
the man in the next bed, "they left a sponge in me and had to cut me
open again." And the patient on the other side said, "Why they had to
open me, too, to find one of their instruments." Just then the surgeon
who had operated on the Irishman, stuck his head in the door and
yelled, "Has anybody seen my hat!" Pat fainted.

Dr. A., physician at Newcastle, being summoned to a vestry, in order
to reprimand the sexton for drunkenness, dwelt so long on the sexton's
misconduct as to draw from him this expression: "Sir, I thought you
would have been the last man alive to appear against me, as I have
covered so many blunders of yours!"

DOCTOR (to patient)--"You've had a pretty close call. It's only your
strong constitution that pulled you through."

PATIENT--"Well, doctor, remember that when you make out your bill."

A quack doctor was holding forth about his "medicines" to a rural
audience.

"Yes, gentlemen," he said, "I have sold these pills for over
twenty-five years and never heard a word of complaint. Now, what does
that prove?"

From a voice in the crowd came: "That dead men tell no tales."

_See also_ Bills; Remedies.

DOGS

_My Dog_

He wastes no time in idle talk.
His vows of friendship are unspoken.
As in familiar ways we walk,
Our musings by no word are broken.
Or if, perchance, I voice some phrase
(More light and garrulous am I),
He answers with a speaking gaze,
Half-sister to a song or sigh.

Sweet is the silence of a friend
Whose mood so merges with my own,
And sad would be the journey's end
Were I to pass this way alone.
Perhaps the shadows and the dust
Some faint reply would frame for me
Should I demand if Time were just
To merge all waters with the sea.

Thus pondering, a sigh I heave
That thoughts my naked soul should flay.
Yet dreams of death he bids me leave,
And glory in the living day.
Before me in the path he leaps.
He reads my mood, and bids me, "Come!
Sweet Summer's in the wooded deeps!"
And yet men say that he is dumb.

--_Jack Burroughs_.

Frederick was sitting on the curb, crying, when Billy came along and
asked him what was the matter.

"Oh, I feel so bad 'cause Major's dead--my nice old collie!" sobbed
Frederick.

"Shucks!" said Billy. "My grandmother's been dead a week, and you
don't catch me crying."

Frederick gave his eyes and nose a swipe with his hand, and, looking
up at Billy, sobbed, despairingly:

"Yes, but you didn't raise your grandmother from a pup."

_Dogs and their Friends._
_(The Greeting)_

A thousand velvet eyes aglow with thanks,
A thousand tiny paws in welcome waved,
An orchestra of barks and neighs and purrs
Struck up, and maddest gayety betrayed!
Each satin nose will press its owner's hand,
Such happiness and frolic will abound
When Anti-Cruelty meets all its friends
At last, within their Happy Hunting Ground!

--_Marie Bordeaux_.

Dogs will be dogs.
They also serve who only watch at night and bark.
Tis better to have loved a dog than never to have loved at all.
A little battle now and then is relished by the best of dogs.
Hell hath no fury like an angered bulldog.
For a dog, all roads lead home.
Bark and the whole neighborhood barks with you; hide and
you hide alone.
Dogs should be trained but not hurt.
A buried bone is a joy forever.
Fidelity, thy name is Fido.
--_Edmund J. Kiefer_.

A friend may smile and bid you hail,
Yet wish you with the devil;
But when a good dog wags his tail,
You know he's on the level.

_The Seven Wonders of the World._
(_According to Fido_)

His master.
Meat.
Children.
Rags.
The moon.
Being tickled.
Fleas.

He was a very small boy. Paddy was his dog, and Paddy was nearer to
his heart than anything on earth. When Paddy met swift and hideous
death on the turnpike road the boy's mother trembled to break the
news. But it had to be, and when he came home from school she told him
simply:

"Paddy has been run over and killed."

He took it very quietly. All day it was the same. But five minutes
after he had gone to bed there echoed through the house a shrill and
sudden lamentation. His mother rushed upstairs with solicitude and
pity.

"Nurse says," he sobbed, "that Paddy has been run over and killed."

"But, dear, I told you that at dinner, and you didn't seem to be
troubled at all."

"No; but--but I didn't know you said Paddy. I--I thought you said
daddy!"

PUP--"Great cats; That's a nerve! Somebody has put up a building right
where I buried a bone!"--_Puck_.

_See also_ Dachshunds.

DOMESTIC FINANCE

LITTLE TOMMY--"What does 'close quarters' mean, Ma?"

WEARY MOTHER--"It's a definition of my trying to get twenty-five cents
from your father."

"Ma, what does the 'home-stretch' mean?"

"Making a fifteen-dollar-a-week allowance go around, my son."

WIFE--"Ta-ta, dearie; I'll write before the end of the week."

HUSBAND--"Good gracious, Alice, you must make that check last longer
than that!"

"Dearie," said the young married man, "I have to go to New York on
business. It will only take a day or so and I hope you won't miss me
too much while I'm gone, but--"

"I won't," answered his young wife, positively, "because I'm going
with you."

"I wish you could, dear, but it won't be convenient this time. What
would you want to go for, anyhow? I'm going to be too busy to be with
you, and--"

"I have to go. I need clothes."

"But, darling--you can get all the clothes you want right here on
Euclid Avenue."

"Thank you. That's all I wanted."

"I'm just waiting for my husband to complain about my extravagance
this month."

"Ready to give him an argument, eh?"

"You bet I am. By mistake his golf-club checks came to the house, and
I've got 'em."

"You are not economical," said the infuriated husband.

"Well," flashed his wife, "if you don't call a woman economical who
saves her wedding dress for a possible second marriage, I'd love to
know just what you do call economy."

"But your fiance has such a small salary, how are you going to live?"

"Oh, we're going to economize. We're going to do without such a lot of
things that Jack needs."

"Are you an expert accountant," asked the prospective employer.

"Yes, sir," said the applicant.

"Your written references seem to be all right, but tell me more about
yourself."

"Well, my wife kept a household account for thirty days. One night
after supper I sat down and in less than an hour found out how much we
owed our grocer."

"Hang up your hat and coat," said the employer with a glad smile. "The
job is yours."

HE--"My dear, I've warned you before, and now I must insist that we
try to live within our income."

SHE--"Oh, very well, if you want to be considered eccentric by
everybody in our set."

"Now," said the bridegroom to the bride, when they returned from their
honeymoon trip, "let us have a clear understanding before we settle
down to married life. Are you the president or the vice-president of
the society?"

"I want to be neither president nor vice-president," she answered. "I
will be content with a subordinate position."

"What position is that, my dear?"

"Treasurer."

SHE--"When we go anywhere now we have to take the street-car. Before
our marriage you always called a taxi."

HE--"Exactly. And that's the reason we have to go in the street-car
now."

"My wife certainly makes my salary go a long way."

"So does mine--so far that none of it ever comes back."

"I'm having trouble in supporting my wife."

"You don't know what trouble is. Try not supporting her."

WILLIS--"The Highfliers are going to give up their big house this
winter."

MRS. WILLIS--"You must be mistaken. I was talking with Mrs. Highflier
only yesterday."

WILLIS--"Well. I was talking with the mortgagee only this
morning."--_Puck_.

In a certain home-missionary movement every participant was to
contribute a dollar that she had earned herself by hard work. The
night of the collection of the dollars came, and various and droll
were the stories of earning the money. One woman had shampooed
hair, another had made doughnuts, another had secured newspaper
subscriptions, and so on.

The chairman turned to a handsome woman in the front row.

"Now, madam, it is your turn," he said. "How did you earn your
dollar?"

"I got it from my husband," she answered.

"Oh!" said he. "From your husband? There was no hard work about that."

The woman smiled faintly.

"You don't know my husband," she said.

"Before we were married, you used to send around a dozen roses every
week," said she.

"Roses are easy," replied he. "This week I'm going to send around two
tons of coal and a rib-roast."

LANDLADY--"That new boarder is either a married man or a widower."

PRETTY DAUGHTER--"Why, ma, he says he is a bachelor."

LANDLADY--"Well, I don't believe it. When he opens his pocketbook to
pay his board he always turns his back to me."

"Hicks promised to give his wife a dime for every one he spends for
cigars."

"How does it work?"

"First rate. You see we meet every day and he buys me the drinks and I
buy him the cigars."

DOMESTIC RELATIONS

HUSBAND (newly married)--"Don't you think, love, if I were to smoke,
it would spoil the curtains?"

WIFE--"Ah, you are the most unselfish and thoughtful husband in the
world; certainly it would."

HUSBAND--"Well, then, take the curtains down."

Willie's grandmother had come to visit them.

"Are you mamma's mother?" asked Willie by way of conversation.

"No, dear. I'm your grandmother on your father's side."

"Well," said Willie decidedly (he was an observing little fellow),
"all I got to say is you're on the wrong side."

SHE--"Just think of it! A few words mumbled by the minister and people
are married."

HE--"Yes, and, by George, a few words mumbled by a sleeping husband
and people are divorced."

Two friends met in the Strand the morning after an airplane raid.

"Any damage done your way?" the first asked.

"Damage! Rather!" answered the other. "Father and mother were blown
clean out of the window. The neighbors say it's the first time they've
been seen to leave the house together in seventeen years."

_See also_ Families; Marriage.

DREAMS

"Mother, wasn't that a funny dream I had last night?" said a little
boy who was busily engaged with his breakfast cereal.

"Why, I'm sure I don't know!" replied his mother. "I haven't the
slightest idea what your dream was about."

"Why, mother, of course you know!" said the boy reproachfully. "You
were in it."

DRINKING

If all be true that I do think,
There are five reasons we should drink;
Good wine--a friend--or being dry--
Or lest we should be by and by--
Or any other reason why.

--_Dr. Henry Aldrich_.

Maybe one swallow doesn't make a summer, but it would brighten it up
considerably.

_Dangerous Advice_

CURATE--"You should be careful! Don't you know that drink is mankind's
worst enemy?"

JEEMS--"Yes; but don't you teach us to love our enemies?"

"Pussyfoot" Johnson, whose effort to prohibitionize Scotland failed
recently, was discussing his failure with a New York editor.

"Yes, I failed," he ended, "and I'm very sorry. Conditions in Scotland
are very bad."

"Did you ever hear the story of the deacon's daughter? This story
illustrates Scottish conditions very well.

"The wife of a Peebles deacon took a bath one evening, and as it was
rainy, chill November weather, she swallowed a teaspoonful or two of
whisky after her bath to keep herself from catching cold. Then in
her dressing-gown she went to bid her little daughter good night. She
stooped over the child's cot and a kiss was exchanged. After the kiss
the little girl drew back sharply, sniffed and said:

"'Why, mamma, you've been using father's perfume, haven't
you?'"--_Detroit Free Press_.

"Now, Sam," said the speaker, "I want you to be present when I deliver
this speech."

"Yassuh."

"I want you to start the laughter and applause. Every time I take a
drink of water, you applaud; and every time I wipe my forehead with my
handkerchief, you laugh."

"You better switch dem signals, boss. It's a heap mo' liable to make
me laugh to see you standin' up dar deliberately takin' a drink o'
water."

A Washington business man, says the Saturday Evening Post, desiring
to test the relative efficiency of two makes of mucilage, handed the
bottles one morning to his shiny-faced negro messenger.

"Here, John," he said; "try these and see which is the stickiest."

John did not show up at the office again until about noon-time.
He approached his employer's desk somewhat cautiously and gingerly
deposited thereon the two bottles of mucilage.

"Well, John," asked the boss, "which did you find the stickiest?"

"It wuz lak dis, boss," was the reply: "Dis one gummed up ma mouf de
most; but de other one, de taste lasted de longest."

UNABLE SEAMAN--"When I come around again the surgeon, he says to me,
'I'm blooming sorry, mate, I don't know what I was thinking about,'
he says, 'but there's a sponge missin', and I believe it's sewed up
inside yer!' 'What's the odds,' I says, 'let it be.' An there it is to
this day."

GULLIBLE OLD GENTLEMAN--"Bless my soul! Don't it trouble you?"

UNABLE SEAMAN--"I don't feel no particular pain from it, but I do get
most uncommonly thirsty at times, sir."

_See also_ Drunkards; Temperance.

DRUNKARDS

The Lord Mayor of London had been dining pretty well, and Mr. Choate,
Ambassador to England, was seeing his Lordship to the door.

"Now, your Lordship, if you will allow me to advise you," said Mr.
Choate, "when you get to the sidewalk curb you will see two hansoms.
Take the one to the right: the one to the left doesn't exist."

An intoxicated man hailed a cab.

After he had climbed in, the cabby leaned over and asked, "What street
do you want?"

"What streets have you?" he inquired.

"Lots of 'em," smiled the cabby, humoring him.

"Gimme 'em all," he said, waving his arm grandly.

After they had been driving for several hours, the man in the cab
ordered a stop.

"How mush do I owe you?"

"Seven dollars and fifty cents."

"Well--you better drive back till you get to thirty-fi' shents, 'cause
thashall I got."

WIFEY--"I heard a noise when you came in last night."

HUBBY--"Perhaps it was the night falling."

WIFEY (coldly)--"No, it wasn't, it was the day breaking."

DUTCH

BIX--"I see there's a report from Holland that concrete bases for
German cannon have been found there."

DIX--"Don't believe a word you hear from Holland. The geography says
it is a low, lying country."

DYSPEPSIA

_Joy of Eating_

A well-known banker in a down-town restaurant was eating mush and
milk.

"What's the matter?" inquired a friend.

"Got dyspepsia."

"Don't you enjoy your meals?"

"Enjoy my meals?" snorted the indignant dyspeptic. "My meals are
merely guide-posts to take medicine before or after."

"Dyspepsia seldom kills anyone," said Akinside, "but--"

"No," returned old Festus Pester. "It makes them so talkative that
everybody else wants to kill them."

EATING

_If We Didn't Have To Eat_

Life would be an easy matter
If we didn't have to eat.
If we never had to utter,
"Won't you pass the bread and butter,
Likewise push along that platter
Full of meat?"
Yes, if food were obsolete
Life would be a jolly treat,
If we didn't--shine or shower,
Old or young, 'bout every hour--
Have to eat, eat, eat, eat, eat--
'Twould be jolly if we didn't have to eat.
We could save a lot of money
If we didn't have to eat.
Could we cease our busy buying,
Baking, broiling, brewing, frying,
Life would then be oh, so sunny
And complete;
And we wouldn't fear to greet
Every grocer in the street
If we didn't--man and woman,
Every hungry, helpless human--
Have to eat, eat, eat, eat, eat--
We'd save money if we didn't have to eat.

All our worry would be over
If we didn't have to eat.
Would the butcher, baker, grocer
Get our hard-earned dollars? No, Sir!
We would then be right in clover
Cool and sweet.
Want and hunger we could cheat,
And we'd get there with both feet,
If we didn't--poor or wealthy,
Halt or nimble, sick or healthy--
Have to eat, eat, eat, eat, eat--
We could get there if we didn't have to eat.

--_Nixon Waterman_.

ECONOMY

TOM--"I've seen the girl I want to marry. I stood behind her at
the ticket window this morning and she took seven minutes to buy a
five-cent elevated ticket."

ALICE--"Did that make you want to marry her?"

TOM--"Yes, I figured out that she could never spend my income at that
rate."

BOOK AGENT--"This book will teach you the way to economize."

THE VICTIM--"That's no good to me. What I need is a book to teach me
how to live without economizing."

How oft economy grows gay
And boasts of its efficient work,
When it has merely stopped the pay
Of some two-thousand-dollar clerk!

Little June's father had just returned from the store and was opening
up some sheets of sticky fly-paper and placing it about the room. June
watched a minute and then burst out with:

"Oh, papa, down at the corner grocery you can get the paper with the
flies already caught. They have lots of it in the window."

"Well, Albert, I've been acting on your advice. I put a hundred
dollars in the bank this month."

"Fine! It isn't so hard, is it?"

"No; I simply tore up all the bills."--_Life_.

_See also_ Domestic finance; Thrift.

EDITORS

"An editor is a man who puts things in the paper, isn't he?"

"Oh, no, my son; an editor keeps things out of the paper."

The editor of the newspaper in a certain small southern town was given
an article to print, praising in very elegant language the life and
works of a certain southern colonel.

The colonel and the editor were not the best of friends.

The article came out, but in spelling "scarred," in that very
important phrase "battle scarred veteran," one "r" was omitted.

The colonel threatened violence but the editor promised to admit his
error in the next issue.

In the following issue, in large type, appeared: "The editor of this
paper regrets very much an error in spelling in our last issue. In
describing our most worthy colonel, instead of 'battle scared veteran'
it should read, 'bottle scarred veteran.'"

That day the editor ceased to edit. His wife was a widow.

A country editor wrote: "Brother, don't stop your paper just because
you don't agree with the editor. The last cabbage you sent us didn't
agree with us either, but we didn't drop you from our subscription
list on that account."

The girl reporter accepted the editor's invitation to dinner and when
asked how she enjoyed it, said:

"Oh, fine, but I'll never go to dinner with an editor again."

"Why not?"

"Well, the dinner was fine, but he blue-penciled about three-quarters
of my order."

You may know the trade classic about the exchange editor. The new
owner of the newspaper asked who that man was in the corner. "The
exchange editor," he was informed. "Well, fire him," said he. "All he
seems to do is sit there and read all day."

A little boy was given the stunt by his father to write an essay on
editors and here is the result:

"If an editor makes a mistake folks say he ought to be hung; but if
a doctor makes a mistake he buries it and people dassent say nothing
because doctors can read and write Latin. When the editor makes a
mistake there is lawsuits and a big fuss; but if a doctor makes one
there is a funeral, cut flowers and perfek silence. A doctor can use
a word a yard long without anyone knowing what it means; but if the
editor uses one he has to spell it. If the doctor goes to see another
man's wife he charges for the visit but if the editor goes he gets a
charge of buckshot. When the doctor gets drunk it's a case of being
overcome by the heat and if he dies it's from heart trouble; when an
editor gets drunk it's a case of too much booze and if he dies it's
the jim-jams. Any college can make a doctor; an editor has to be
born."

Wanted, an editor, who can read, write and argue politics, and at
the same time be religious, funny, scientific and historical at will,
write to please everybody, know everything, without asking or being
told, always having something good to say of everything and everybody
else, live on wind and make more money than enemies. For such a man, a
good opening will be made in the "graveyard." He is too good to live.

Life in a newspaper office is one compliment after another. "You look
so funny when you think," observed the blandishing Miss Harriette
Underbill as she passed the given point known as our desk late
yesterday afternoon.

COUNTRY EDITOR (to new assistant)--"I shall expect you to write all
the editorials, do the religious and sporting departments and turn out
a joke column."

ASSISTANT--"What are you going to do?"

"Edit your copy."

EDUCATION

Education--the sum total of all the things we haven't been taught.

WILLIE (doing his homework)--"What is the distance to the nearest
star, Auntie?"

"I'm sure I don't know, Willie."

"Well, I hope, then, you'll feel sorry tomorrow when I'm getting
punished for your ignorance."

Henry was the neighborhood magistrate. He had been settling a dispute
between two blockaders. The one in whose favor the verdict was cast
was filled with admiration for the facility with which Henry made out
the papers.

"You are one of those 'read' men, ain't you Henry?"

"Yes, I kin read right smart," modestly admitted Henry.

"You been to school, ain't you?" With just pride Henry nodded his
head.

"I reckon you been through algebra!"

"Yes, I have," said Henry, "but it was night and I didn't see
nothing."

EMPLOYER--"For this job you've got to know French and Spanish, and the
pay is eighteen dollars a week."

"Lord, Mister! I ain't got no edication; I'm after a job in the
yards."

"See the yard-boss. We'll start you in at forty."--_Life_.

When James A. Garfield was president of Oberlin College, a man brought
for entrance as a student his son, for whom he wished a shorter course
than the regular one.

"The boy can never take all that in," said the father. "He wants to
get through quicker. Can you arrange it for him?"

"Oh, yes," said Mr. Garfield. "He can take a short course; it all
depends on what you want to make of him. When God wants to make an
oak he takes a hundred years, but he takes only two months to make a
squash."

Doubtless the old woman in this story from the London Post will now be
able to enlighten her husband on a troublesome subject.

"Doctor," she inquired of a country physician, "can you tell me how it
is that some folks be born dumb?"

"Why--hem!--why, certainly, ma'am," replied the doctor. "It is because
they come into the world without power of speech."

"Dear me," remarked the woman, "just see what it is to have a physical
edication! I'm right glad I axed you. I've axed my old man a hundred
times that there same question, and all he would ever say was, 'Cause
they be.'"

PROFESSOR--"So, sir, you said that I was a learned jackass, did you?"

FRESHIE--"No, sir, I merely remarked that you were a burro of
information."

EFFICIENCY

After many trials and tribulations Mrs. Timson had managed to get a
"maid" of sorts.

"Now, Thurza," said she, "be careful about the water. We only use the
well water for drinking, as we have to pay a man to pump it. The rain
water is good enough for washing up and so on."

After tea Mrs. Timson asked:

"Did you remember about the water, Thurza?"

"Oh, yes, mum!" said Thurza. "I filled the kettle half full of water
from the butt and the other half with water from the well. I thought
the bottom half might as well be getting hot at the same time for
washing up after tea."

An elderly rancher took some fine Kentucky horses to the West in
the early sixties. He was proud of them, and justly so. The old
gentleman's son had once seen a teamster lock one of his wagon-wheels
in going down a declivity. This precaution appealed to the young
fellow's idea of "safety first." He duly reported the occurrence to
his father, and begged him to get a, lock-chain.

"My son," said the old gentleman, "if I ever send you out with a team
that can't outrun the wagon, let 'em go to hell."

SOLICITOR (to business man absorbed in detail)--"I have here a most
marvelous system of efficiency, condensed into one small volume. It
will save you fully 50 per cent of your time, and so--"

BUSINESS MAN (interrupting irritably)--"I already have a system by
which I can save 100 per cent of my time and yours. I'll demonstrate
it now--Good-day!"

The hours I spend at work, dear heart
Are as arithmetic to me;
I count my motions every one apart--
Efficiency.

Each hour a task, each task a test,
Until my heart with doubt is wrung;
I conservate my darndest, but at best
The boss is stung.

O theories that twist and turn!
O frantic gain and laggard loss!
I'll standardize and stint at last to learn

To please the boss
By gum!
To please the boss.

"But," he adds, "as in everything else, there are exceptions. There
was Boggins, for instance. Boggins was a great efficiency man in the
office, but even more so at home. Why, every time Boggins Junior was
naughty his father laid him on the floor and spread a rug over him,
so that the beating would kill two birds with one stone, as you might
say."

A worm won't turn if you step on it right.

Efficiency is an admirable quality, but it can be overdone, according
to Representative M. Clyde Kelly, of Pennsylvania.

"Last election day," Mr. Kelly explains, "the city editor of my
newspaper in Braddock sent his best reporter out to learn if the
saloons were open in defiance of the law. Four days later he returned
and reported, 'They were.'"

"Sambo, I don't understand how you can do all your work so quickly,
and so well."

"I'll tell yuh how 'tis, boss. I sticks de match ob enthusiasm to de
fuse ob yenergy--and jes natchurally explodes, I does."

"Don't be so long-winded in your reports as you have been in the
past," said the manager of the "Wild West" railway to his overseer.
"Just report the condition of the track as ye find it, and don't put
in a lot of needless words that ain't to the point. Write a business
letter, not a love-letter."

A few days later the railway line was badly flooded, and the overseer
wrote his report to the manager in one line: "Sir--Where the railway
was the river is.--Yours faithfully,----."

In Montana a railway-bridge had been destroyed by fire, and it was
necessary to replace it. The bridge-engineer and his staff were
ordered in haste to the place. Two days later came the superintendent
of the division. Alighting from his private car, he encountered the
old master bridge-builder.

"Bill," said the superintendent--and the words quivered with
energy--"I want this job rushed. Every hour's delay costs the company
money. Have you got the engineer's plans for the new bridge?"

"I don't know," said the bridge-builder, "whether the engineer has
the picture drawed yet or not, but the bridge is up and the trains is
passin' over it."--_Harper's_.

"Better consider my course in efficiency training. I can show you how
to earn more money than you are getting."

"I do that now."

The boy was very small and the load he was pushing in the wheelbarrow
was very, very big.

A benevolent old gentleman, putting down his bundles, lent him a
helping hand.

"Really, my boy," he puffed, "I don't see how you manage to get that
barrow up the gutters alone."

"I don't," replied the appreciative kid. "Dere's always some jay
a-standin' round as takes it up for me."--_Puck_.

MRS. CASEY--"Me sister writes me that every bottle in that box we sent
her was broken. Are you sure yez printed 'This side up, with care' on
it!"

CASEY--"Oi am. An' for fear they shouldn't see it on the top, Oi
printed it on the bottom, as well."

COW--"Can you beat it? There's so much system around here now that
they file me in the barn under the letter C."

HEN--"Yes, I have my troubles with efficiency too. They've put a
rubber stamp in my nest so I can date my eggs two weeks ahead."

EGOTISM

SMITH--"You seldom see such beautiful golf as that man plays. His
drives were corking, his approaches superb and he never missed a
putt."

JONES--"How much were you beaten by?"

SMITH--"Why, I won!"

_"I" and "Myself" and "Me"_

When on myself I sometimes turn
My gaze, with introspection stern,
Three persons there I seem to see,
"I" and "Myself," they are, and "Me."

"I" stands alone with confidence,
Pugnacious, quick to take offense,
Assertive, masterful and strong,
Forever right and _never_ wrong,
As Lewis Carroll once avowed,
"I" is extremely "stiff and proud."

"Myself" is rather different,
A chap who is less confident,
Yet full conceited--selfish, too,
And steeped in ego, through and through.
Though others oft "Myself" decry,
He's very, very dear to "I."

Unlike the other two is "Me";
A timid little fellow, he;
Self-conscious, given oft to erring,
My scorn and pity both incurring.
Still, though he's shy as he can be,
While few like "I," a lot like "Me."

--_Eliot Harlow Robinson_.

Many a man thinks he is anxious to please others, when the truth is
that he is only anxious that others be pleased with what he does.

_I And Me_

I wonder just what kind of guy
Am I?
I guess it's time I took
A look inside of me
To see--
But, gee,
I cuss
I'm envious of what the other fellow's got,
I loaf a lot,
And foolish pleasures often buy--
That is the kind of sham
I am.
When things go wrong
I growl along
And take it out
On some good scout
Who's not to blame,
Whatever came--
In fact
The luck I lacked
(Or luck I had,
If mine was bad)
Was mostly my
Own fault. Why.
I
Am not a very pleasant guy,
The poorest on the human shelf--
And, now that I
Size up myself,
Whatever other folks may see,
I do not make a hit with Me.