"IT IS TO LAUGH"
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Each book contains 64 pages of very funny
Jokes, Stories, Toasts, Conundrums, etc.
No. 1 New Jokes
" 2 New Coon Jokes
" 3 New Irish Jokes
" 4 New Dutch Jokes
" 5 New Hebrew Jokes
" 6 New Book of 400 Toasts
" 7 New Selfct Riddles
" g New After-Dinner
Stories
N'ew Vaudeville Stories
New Book of Monologues
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Prize Jokes
Kid Jokes
The Latest Tramp Jokes
Rube Jokes
Original Clown Jokes
Funny Epitaphs
New Book of Proverbs
New Black Face Min-
strel Jokes
Italian Dialect Joke Book
New Book of Card Tricks
New Book of Coin Tricks
Latest Stage Jokes
New 1 rain Stories
New Actors' Jokes
( 0
' 10
' 11
; 12
8 13
14
' 15
; 10
1 17
' 18
; 19
20
'■ 21
No. 2(3 New Book of Parlor
Tricks and Magic
" 27 Parlor'Games and
Amusements
" 28 Auto Joke Book
" 29 The New Red Hot Joke
Book
" 30 The Fp to-l)ate Bar-
tender's Guide
" 31 Witches' Dream Book
" 32 Hash House Jokes
" 33 Up-to-Date Jitter
Writer
" 34 Trolley Jokes
" 35 Wine, Women and Song
" 36 Fortune Tolling by
Cards
" 37 Ford Jokes and Stories
" 38 Modern Jokes and Mon-
ologues
" 39 Snappy Jokes
" 40 Burlesque and Variety
" 41 Breezy Jokes
" 42 How to Play Checkei-
" 43 How to Play Chess
" 44 Some Jokes
" 45 Saucy Jokes
iny of the above will make you laugh.
A St,00 worth of fun for 10 cents
Any one of the above books sent postpaid upon re<<ipt of
10 its., or twelve books for $1.00 postpaid.
Address, I. & M. OTTENHEIMER, Publishers.
321 W. Baltimore St., BALTIMORE, MD.
-rt^m
OP-IO-DATE : -m
SMART SET JOKES
NO. 48
A selection of original classical jokes, laughable
stories, witty sayings, etc.
I. & &- QTXfiNBEtWET
321 ,W. ftwiMOSE St.
^ BALTIMOEE,MD.
SMART SET JOKES
Blinks—"Where was the Declaration of Independ-
ence signed?" "
Thinks (recently a grass widower.)—"Reno, of
course."
His Sentimentality.
"What are yot t rummaging for ?"
"Some of the love letters I used to write my wife
before we were married."
"That bit of sentiment does you credit. Want to
peruse 'em again, eh?"
"Aw, g'wan. She's away for the summer now.
I promised to write frequently, and I want to give
those old letters to my stenographer to use, as
forms." '
She Knew.
''How useless girls are today. I don't believe you
know what needles are for."
"How absurd" you are, grandma," protested the girl.
"Of course I know what needles are for. They're
to make the fifraphophone play."
Smart Set Jokes
Remained Seated.
At a church adjacent to a big military camp a serv-
ice was recently held for soldiers only.
"Let all you brave fellows who have troubles stand
up," shouted the preacher.
Instantly every man rose except one.
"Ah!" exclaimed the preacher, peering at this lone
individual. "You are one in a thousand."
"It ain't that," piped back the only man who had
remained seated, as the rest of his ^comrades gazed
suspiciously at him. "Somebody's put some cobbler's
"wax on the seat, and I'm stuck."
Her Work.
"He owes his success to his wife."
"That so?"
"Yes. Scarcely a day goes by
from making a fool of himscl
another."
.eeps him
j way or
An Awful Story.
There was once an awful little girl who had an
"awful" to everything. She lived in an awful house
in an awful street, in an awful village, which was
an awful distance from every other awful place.
She went to an awful school, where she had an
awful teacher, who gave her awful lessons out of
awful books. Every d£JT she was so awful hungry
that she ate an awful amount of food, so that she
Smart Set Jokes 5
looked awful healthy. hv \^+ »vas awful small
and her feet were awful-large. When she took
an awful walk she climbed awful hiliS, and when
she got awful tired she sat down under an awful
tree to rest herself. In the summer she found her-
self awful hot, and in winter awful cold. When
it did not rain there was an awful drought, and
when the agfful drought was over there was an
'awful rain. So that^ this awful girl will come to
an awful state, and if she does not get rid of her
vulgar way of saying "awful" about everything, I
am afraid s^ will, by and by, come to an awf***.
end.
A Soft Answer.
The ocean linger was rolling like a chip, but, as
usual in such instances, one passenger was aggres-
sively, disgustingly healthy.
"Sick, eh?" he remarked to a pale-green person
who was leaning on the rail.
The pale-green person regarded the healthy one
with all the scorn he could muster. "Sick nothing!"
he snorted weakly, "I'm just hanging over tlie front
of the boat to see how the captain cranks u."
Mabel—"Have you seen the pet dbg that Bob
gave Bess? He can lie down and play dead, and
sit up on his hind legs and beg!"
Jane—"And Bod will soon be doing the same if
he marries Bess!"
Smart Set Jokes
The Older the Better.
The elderly millionaire was "fessin* up"-to one
of his friends at the club. "Would you consider it
any harm to deceive her about my age?"
- "Perhaps not/'
"l'jn sixty-two. How would it do to confess to
fifty-two?"
"I think your chances with Gladys *tfOuld be bet-
ter if you claimed seventy-five."
Putting Him in His Place.
Dinner was in progress on board the steamer.
A very well-groomed and dignified man was evi-
dently much disturbed by the vulgar way in which
the man who had sat next to him was devouring his
meal. The offender by this time had arrived at a
bone which he was attempting to dispose of in a
very unique fashion, and finally his neighbor could
control his feelings no longer. Turning to the
offending party he said:
"Don't you think you would be more comfortable
if vou took that out on the mat?"
Mrs. Newrich—"We're going to live in a better|
neighborhood hereafter."
Mrs. Keen—"Ah! So are we."
Mrs. Newrich—"Then you are going to move,
too ?"
Mrs. Keen—"No; we're going to stay right hers/'
Smart Set Jokes 7
A Chip Off the Old Block. *
"There goes a millionaire who brags about his
son to evohbody who will listen."
•'Evidently the young fellow is not like the average
heir to great wealth."
"No, indeed. The old,man was trimmed in the
stock market last week, and when he discovered his
own son had turned the trick he was the proudest
man jn the United States."
The man of great financial prominence had met
with an accident.
"We'll have to probe," said the doctor.
just at that moment the man recovered con-
sciousness and' exclaimed:
"If it's n surgical operation go ahead, but if it's
another investigation, give me an anesthetic."
Must Ee Different.
"Dearest, do you think you could be happy with
a man like me?"
"Well, perhaps—if he wasn't too much like you!"
Anxious Patient.
He was ticketed to undergo a slight operation at
a Philadelphia hospital. Simple though the operation
was, the man didn't feel quite easy about himself.
A few minutes before the anesthetic was to be^
applied he sent for his physician, w* ^ -3,S +o handle
the instruments, ,
8 Smart Set Jokes
"Please, doctor," he saie, "ti careful about me."
"Oh, don't worry/' the doctor said with fine as-
surance. "You'll be all,right."
"But I wish you to be careful, doctor," the patient
insisted.
"You seem quite anxious' about 'yourself," the doc-
tor remarked, with a smile. ^
"I am/' the patient replied, nervously. "I have
$900 life insurance, and I don't like my wife."
That Might Efc>.
Jinks—«"Her heart is as ha**d as glass. I can't
even make an impression on it."
Binks—"H&ve you tried a diamond?"
Strictly Accurate.
The editor was pretty mad.
"Are you the chump who wrote up that recruiting
ball?" he said to the quaking reporter. "Oh, you
are? Well, look here: 'Among the prettiest girls
in the room was Colonel Qldnut.' Nice rubbish
that is. The colonel's a man, 1 suppose, isn't he?"
"He may be," said the reporter, brazenly, "but
that is where he was."
A Good Idea.
Mrs. Smart—-"Yes, my husband is a somnambu-
>t."
Mrs* Dulje—"How dreadful."
Smart Set Jokes 9
Mrs. Smart—"Not at all.- You see, when he gets
.up in the night and walks, about the room, I put the
baby in his arms and he never knows it"
The Code.
Emily—''Why are you waving your handkerchief ?"
Angelina—-"Since papa has forbidden Tom the
house we have arranged a code of signals."
| Emily—"What'is it?"
I Angelina—"When he waves his handkerchief five
taniirutes, that means-'Do you love me?' And when
I wave frantically in reply .it means 'Yes, darling.' "
Emily—-"And how do v.you ask other questions?"
Angelina—"Wre don't. That's the whole code."
Pleasure Shared.
\ isitor (at a private hospital)—"Can I see Lieu-
tenant Barker, please?" ,
Matron—"We do not allow ordinary visitors,
Alay I ask if you're a relative?"
Visitor (boldly)—"Oh, yes. I'm his sister."
.Matron—"Dear me! I'm very glad to tn©?* VOU;
I'm his mother." > '
Obliging.
At a certain church in a Jersey town it is the
invariable custom of the clergyman to kiss the bride
after the ceremony. A young woman .who was about
to be married in this church did not relish the pros-
pect, and instructed her prospective husband to tell
lX0 . Smart Set J.okes
the clergyman that she did not wish him to kiss
her. The bridegroom obeyed the instructions given.
"Well, Harry," said the young woman, when he
appeared, ''did you tell the minister that I did not
wish him to kiss me?"
"Yes." ; v
"And what did he say?".
"He said that in that case he would charge only
half the usual fee."
The Facts.
"Dear father," wrote the college student, "pleasu
send me some money. I am taking a special course4,
*-in drawing, and the fees are very high."
But the young man did nor^jjnd it necessary to
explain that the most expensive part of the course,
is when you draw to a four flush and do not fill.
Heard at the Bar.
"You asked her father when he was in a pleasant
frame of mind, eh?"
"Yes; it cost me $5 to get his mind in that state.^
but after it was accomplished he was \ ^--ng to gfve*^
me the whole family!"
Asking Her Pa.
"Sir," said the young man, with mutn respect, "£
know that you are a millionaire and that I am poor.^
It seems presumptuous in me to aspire to the hand
of your daughter. But I have thought the matter
Smart Set Jokes
11
out and with some diffidence I nave resolved to make
my request. Love, sir, is not bound by sordid con-
• siderations, or' by mere social conventions. I have
very real attachment for your daughter, and I pray
that you will put no obstacle in the way of our early
marriage."
The old man seemed interested in the young fellow
and inclined to listen.
"Quite so," said he. "As you know, I am not in
the habit of sticking at trifles, providing the main
purpose is straight. But which of my girls do you
want?"
The young man breathed-a sigh of relief, and
courteously replied, "Oh, I'll leave that to you, sir."
Going Up.
Traveler—"I say, what are you people so proud
about? Last time I came here everybody was very
friendly, and now I can hardly get a person to
speak."
Uncle Eben—' You'll pardon us, but it's our town
pride. You see, Joe Summers picked up a guide-
nook that fell out "*f a motor car last^ week, and we
found that the old tannery swamp is a mountain
tarn, Simmons' stone quarry a precipice, Bill Mood-
1er's beer-house a wayside inn, and the whole coun-
try chock full of historical antidotes *nd delusions/"
12 Smart Set Jokes
A Just Complaint.
Stout, Red-faced Lady^-(tBo you mean to say you
won't give me my money back for this book just be-
cause I have read it? You know you advertised that
that it is your aim to have only satisfied customers."
"Yes, madam, but what is-7the matter? Is the
print imperfect, or anything like that?"
"No." ;..
"Then why are you not satisfied with the novel ?"
"Why, I don't like the way it ends."
« ■ _
"Dead as a Doornail."
Feerful—"Doctor, is it true that people a/e occ$?
sionally buried alive ?"
Dr. Diggs—"It never happens to ray patients'?*"
How It Worked.
A country gentleman recently had his house fiticu
with electric bells, and, giving instructions to his
servant, he said: "Now, I want you to understand
me clearly, Joseph, that when I ring once I wast
you, and when I ring twice I want Maggie, the
housemaid."
The bell rang. Joseph never moved. Presently it
ran,g again, and Maggie hurried to her master, wh®
was very angry. "Why didn't that rascal Joseph
come when I rang for him?" demanded the gentle-
man. "Why, sir," answered Maggie, "Joseph was
busy reading the paper when he heard the first ring.
and he said to me, 'Now, Maggie, wait until the
Smart Set Jokes 13
master i ,ngs again, and then it will be you he <
wants/;'
He Was Married.
"Yes, sir, one hour's uninterrupted reading each
evening would make you------"
"Uninterrupted! Where do you think my wife
spends her evenings?" s^
Joy of Eating.
A well-known banker in a downtown restaurant
was eating mush and milk.
"What's the matter?" inquired a friend.
"Got dyspepsia."
"Don't you enjoy your meals?"
"Enjoy my meals?" snorted the indignant dyspeptic.
"My meals are merely guide posts to take medicine
before or after."
Bargain-counter Golf.
"Fore!"• yelled the golfer, ready to play. But the
woman on the course paid no attention.
"Fore!" he shouted again with no effect.
"Ah," suggested his opponent in disgust, "try her
once with %ree ninety-eight P "
Hadn't the Time.
Mrs. Finnigan's little girl had come at least three
miles to the general store for a box of matches.
When she got nome her mother found that the
14 . , ■ Sfc*A*T Set Jokes
matches wouldn't strike, so off the child had to
trudge those three miles again to inform the grocer
of the fact.
"Mother sez they -ain't no good," said the little
girl, so tired out that she was glad to rest herself t
against a flour barrel. ...
"Ain't no good, eh!" cried the grocer in scorn,
and he snatched the matches from her hand. "Watch
me," he added, as he took out a match and struck it
against his trousers. :) ■ s,
The evidence of the flame didn't seem to convince
the child altogether, as she left the store and once
more wended her weary way homeward.
About three hours later she made her appearance
at the shop again, however.
"Wal, I'll be darned!" said the grocer. "Have
you come back about them matches again ?"
"Yes," returned the little girl, depositing the box
on the counter. "Mother sent me back to tell yer
that she ain't got no time to come 'round here to
strike matches on your pants I Please give me my
money back!"
Rooted Wronf
The visitor was being shown round the big hos-
pital. As he passed through the accident ward he
exchanged words of sympathy with some of the
p-atients. "My word!" he said to one man, whose
head was swathed in bandages and whose
face was badly scarred, "You are knocked about:,
Smart Set Jokes 15
But you must cheer up if you want to get better."
"I've done cheering up/' said the patient.
"Nonsense," replied the visitor.
"There ain't any nonsense about it," answered the
patient. "It was through cheering up that I'm here.
I 'appened to cheer the wrong football team!"
One Illusion Gone.
"You used to say that girl was an angel."
"Yes. And I'm sorry I said it. She is interested
in flying and after seeing her in her aviation costume
I must say she doesn't'look the part"
Resourceful.
"Here you are, sir!" cried th,e hawker, extending
a bouquet. "Buy some beautiful flowers for your
sweetheart ?"
"Nothing doing," responded the young man. "I
haven't got a sweetheart."
"I see!*' was the prompt rejoinder of the hawker.
"Buy some flowers for your wife?"
"Wrong agaihl. I am not married."
"Well, then, guv'nor," exclaimed the resourceful
hawker, "buy, the lot to celebrate your luck!"
Literal Youth.
A la<ly was entertaining her daughter's caller, who
was just back fronr"a summer outing. The conversa-
tion had been somewhat spasmodic, and finally she
decided to try him on some of the new books;
16 . /SmABJ Set J&ki& J
"Have you read 'Freckles/ Mr. Johnson?" she
ventured.
"No, ma'am," he stammered, blushing, "mine are
the brown kind."
Ella—"Jack can only pay his creditors fifty cents
on a dollar!" v
Pauline,—"Then he is practically ruined ?"
Ella—"Oh, no—he has n§. intention whatever of
paying it!"
Agreed.
Willis—"Clothes give a man a lot of confidence."
Gillis—"That's right. I go a tet of places with
them on that I wouldn't go with them off."
Solved.
"Now, Johnny," said the teacher, "suppose vou
wanted to build a $1,000 house and had only $700,
- what would you do ?"
"I 'spose I'd have to marry a girl worth $300,"
answered the young financier.
Rubbing It In.
A septuagenarian said one evening at dinner to his
fair young wife:
"My darling, I have just insured my life in vour
favor for $100,000."
"Oh, you duck," the beautiful girl cried, and. rising
Smart Set Jokes * 17
and passing round the table, she kissed her husband
lightly on his bald-head.
"Darling," he said, taking her slim white hand, "is
there anything else I can do for you ?"
"Nothing on earth/' she answered; and then, with
a little silvery laugh; she added: "Nothing in this
world. Nothing under heaven."
..——■---------------4------------
Heard at the Club.
Yeast—"That's Frec^Darling just coming in. You
know, his wife made him."
Crimsonbfak—"You mean that fellow wearing
corsets, with the Waxed mustache and manicured
nails?"
"Yes,"
"Well, I knew women did fancy work, but I never
knew they did anything as fancy as that."
Mr. Gnaggs—"Remember the woman in the Bible
who turned into a pillar of salt?"
Mrs. Gnaggs—"Yes, she had a Lot to contend
with." _, i
xMuggins—"The beauty about friendship is that it
enables us to be perfectly candid with each other."
Biiggins—"Yes, about other people."
Sillicus—"Wigwag seems very despondent. He
says he doesn't care what happens to him."
Cynicus—"Gee! The first thing you know that
fellow will be going off and getting married." /'
18 Smart Set J0KES
Irate father (to his wild son)—"Your extrava-
gance, sir. must be checked!"
Son (smiling his gratitude and satisfaction)—
"Thank you, father. Sit right down and write the
check now."
The Magistrate—"This lady says you tried to
speak to her at the station."
The Accused—"It was a mistake. I was looking
for my wife's young niece, whom. I'd never seen, but
who'd been described to me as a handsome blond
lady with classic features, fine Complexion, perfect
figure, beautifully dressed and—"
The Witness—"I don't dare to prosecute the gentle-
man. Any one might have made the same mistake."
No Duplicity.
He—"My love, honestly, I wonder when God madp
you how he had anything left for the other angels/'
She—"What I love about you, Jack, is that you
never flatter." >
"Think of having a food dictatorship!"
-"You can get used to it. Our cook has been suc-
cessfully operating one for years."
The End of a Romance.
"No more shall I hear his footsteps cm yonder
walk just as the clock strikes 8,"
"Gracious, Jeannette!"
Smart Set Jokes 19
"And the old {_r.,,i iamp will never burn low for
him again/'
"You don't mean it \"
"I do; and furthermore, he will never sit on this
sofa three nights a week and call me pet names as he
has been doing for two years.
~': "And to-night I am going to burn all the old love
letters."
"B-But why? Are you going to discard him?"
- "Discard him! Why, you goose, I am going to
marry him!"
Taking Long Chances.
Two College students were arraigned before the
magistrate charged with hurdling the low spots in
the road in their motor car.
"Have you a lawyer ?" asked the magistrate.
"We're not going to have any lawyer," answered
the elder of the students. "We've decided to tell the
truth."
A girl may go to Vassar,
Or maybe to Bryn Mawr,
l*hd they at last may pass her
^To medicine or bawr.
But as for bread and biscuit*
Or jellies by the jawr,
It isn't safe to. risk it—
That kind they seldom av> ♦ -
20
Smart Set Jo,kes
Took the Hint.
William—"You look sweet enough to eat !"
Evelyn—"J do fit Where shall we go?"
%. A various Question.
"Wonder what time it is ? I'm invited to dinner
at 6.30 and my watch isn't going/'
"Why, wasn't your watch invited!" •
Just So.
Guest—"Delightful party you are having to-night,
old man."
Host—"Yes. I am giving it for my wife. It is
the twelfth anniversary of her thirtieth birthday."
First Maid—"So you don't like to work for high-
brows ?"
Second Maid—"You bet I don't. I worked for one
pair of them—and never again ! Him and her was
righting continually, and it kept me running back and
forth-between the keyhole and the dictionary all the
time/'
A New Ailment.
"Tohnson has matrimonial dyspepsia."
"What's that?"
"His wife doesn't agree with him."
Smart Set Jokes 21
i\eal Economy in Japan.
Amo..0 the Japanese' thrift is a virtue in high
esteem. Two old misers of Tokyo were one clay
discussing ways and means erf saving.
■ "I manage to make a fan last about 20 years," said
one. "I" don't open the whole fan wastefully and
wave it carelessly about. I open only one section at
a time. That is good for about a year. Then I open
the next, and so on until the fan is used up."
-"Twenty years for a good fan!" exclaimed the
other. "What sinful extravagance! In my family
we use a fan for two or three generations, and this
is the way we do it: We open the whole fan, but
we don't wear it out by waving it. We hold it st?*--
like this, under our nose, and wave our faces.5'
Misunderstood.
The well-to-do manufacturer who made a hobby Oi
archaeological research was traveling in Palestine
when news reached him of "an addition to his fam-
ily. The manufacturer sacrificed archaeological to
parental joys. Providing himself with some water
from the Jordan to carry home for the christening,
he at once set out for Kentucky.-
On the morning appointed for the baptismal cere-
mony ke arrived at the church ahead of the rest of
the fsuni-lgr in order to hand over the precious water
to the preacher. As he pulled the flask-from'his
pocket the minister held up a warning finger.
"Not now; not now/' he said, softly. "Maybe
after church is out."
1
-dyfc£&st&'«»-7
22 Smakt Set Juki:-:
Ira's Joke*
"Ira Beasore drove into town just before me big
rain the other clay, and he saw 'Orla Tattle setting
tubs and barrels under all the spouts around his
house/' says Tully Marshall. "So Ira pulls up and
hollers at Or la :
" 'Hey, Orla ! What ye doin' ?'
" 'Looks like rain, an* I'm settin* out these tubs
so's the woman can have some soft water for her
washing Monday,' answers Orla, all innocent like,
and not thinking about what a great codder Ira is.
'''So/ says Ira. 'You won't., git* no soft water/
" 'Why won't I ?'
" * 'Cause it's goin* to rain hard. Ha-haw-haw !
Git ep!5"
He Didn't Land the Job.
Having advertised for a chauffeur, the multimil-
lionaire sought to test the honesty of an applicant.
"Suppose," said the man of millions, "you were
to find a pocketbook in the machine containing $100,-
000. What would you do about it?"
"I wouldn't do a blamed thing," replied the appli-
' cant, "but live on my income for the rest of my
natural life."
Willis—"Did you have a good time at the Bumps"
last evening?"
Gillis—"Yes. We spent an er'ning of sin."
Willis—"What do you mean?"
Gillis—"My wife cheated ac cards, I lied about my
income, and between us we swiped their best um-
brella."
Diogenes Still Seeking.
Diogenes was sitting on a fire hydrant when a
kindly faced man stopped and addressed him.
"What's wrong with you, old friend?" he asked.
"I've been sorely misused,*' replied the cynic.
"In what way?"
"As I turned yonder corner, carrying my lantern,
a youth approached me. 'Wherefore the glim?' he
asked. I replied that I was Diogenes, looking for an
honest man. The youth laughed. 'You're wasting
time in this town, uncle/ he said. 'Your glim is no
use here.' And what do you think? He took my
lantern away from me, and my hat and my street car
pennies, and ran around the corner. The only thing
he left of any value was my collar button. Do you
wonder that I appear morose?"
"Not at all," replied the kindly faced citizen.
"You are quite excusable. I am a little sorryi how-
ever, that in your search for an honest man you
couldn't have waited until you met me. But. perhaps,
it's just as well."
So saying, .he stooped down suddenly and, snatch-
ing away the philosopher's collar button, ran up the
nearest alley and disappeared.
In the Same Boat
'1 ask yoti to pay me this bill/', said a tailor to a
waggish debtor.
"Do you owe anybody anything?" asked, the wag.
"No, sir-/' replied the tailor.
"Then you can afford to wait." And off he
walked. -
A day or two afterward the tailor called again.
Our wag was not at his wit's end, so, turning to his
creditor, he said:
"Are you in debt to anybody?"
"Yes, sir; I am sorry to say J. am."
"Well, why don't you pay ?"-
"I haven't got the money/' replied the tailor, with
a woebegone countenance. ""
"That's just my. case, my dear sir. I am glad to
perceive that you can appreciate ray position. I al-
ways respect your judgment, sir. Give me your
hand, sir."
An Edible Currency,
At Cobham, a rural station in Central. Virginia^
Mr. Bell is the storekeeper. One day a small negro
came into his store with a single egg. He went up
to Mr. Bell and. displayed the new-laid egg.
"Mr. Bell, mummer says, please, sir, give her a
needle for dis egg."
"You can get two needles for an egg," answered
Mr. Bell.
Smart Sft Jokes 25
"No, sir; mummer don' want two needles; she say,
please, sir, give me de change in cheese."
Hard Times Ahead. ^
The adored daughter was sad.
"Father," she said, "what has come over you?
Since I can remember I never had a wish you were
riot anxious to gratify and you even anticipated my
wants and handed me money for all sorts of things
that I hadn't even thought of. But now I have to
ask you for every cent I need, and you growl and
grunt and ask if I think you are"- made of money,
and you rail at a woman's extravagance and in-
variably ask me what on earth I did with that last
check or dollar or half-dollar you gave me. It is
very strange, ©on't you love me any more, father ?"
"My dear Ethel," her father answered, "I love you
as much as ever. But you are soon to be married
and I am trying gradually to prepare you for tb<*
change."
To Have—Not to Hold.
"Married, old chap?"
"No; I cawn't affawd t' keep a wife."
"Aw, but, I say, what wkh Reno and all tfcat, one
isn't obliged to."
Answered.
"You, there, in the overalls 1" shouted the cross-
examining lawyer, "how much are you paid for tell-
i»g untruths?" ' *
/
v-.:.....
26 " Smart Set Jokes
"Less than you are," 'reiv-ieu the witness, "or you'd
be in overalls, too."
Reasonable Restraint.
Jones—"Is it necessary for you to send your
daughter to Europe to complete her musical educa-
tion r"
Brown—"Yes; J can't stand the infernal racket
here any longer/'
Love's Way.
She—-"I'm afraid, Tom, dear, you will find me a
mine A faults."
He—'"barlmg, it shall be the sweetest labor of my
life to correct them." ^„
She—'(flaring up)—"Indeed, you sha'n't!"
Following of Father.
One afternoon Green was standing on the corner
looking at the jitneys when he was suddenly con-
fronted by an acquaintance of other years. Soon
they were comparing notes and recalling happy
hours.
"So you wrere married ten years ago," said the
acquaintance in response to a statement made by
Brown. "Took place in the cburch, I suppose, with
bridesmaids, flowers, cake and the brass band?"
"Ao;' answered Brown with a reflective ^?ires-
sion, "it was an elopement."
Smart Set Jokes
"An clopment, eh?" returned the acquaintance.
"Did the girl's father follow you?"
"Yes," answered Brown, with something akin to a
sigh, "and he has been with us ever since."
Hard on Blinks.
"Blinks says that when he was young he was "the
architect of his own fortune."
"Didn't they have any building inspectors in those
days?"
Why He Roasted Them.
Highspeed—"Why are you always roasting joy-
riders?"
Dryscreed—"Well, because they are always run-
ning down somebody -or other."
Special.
"Now, this typewriter is -equipped with all the
summer attachments."
"Summer attachments?"
"A small mirror, a miniature clock and 'a ther >
mometer; everything a girl has to consnl fr
quently."
Sorghum's Idea,
"I suppose you hope to be loved for the enemies
you have made?"
"No," replied Senator Sorghum. "The man who
loves you for the enemies you have made is gen-
erally the kind of person who wants to stay under
cover arid let somebody else do the real fighting."
28 Smart Set Jokes
Of Course He Did.
Lady—"How much are these chickens?"
Marketman—'Tour shillings each."
"Did you raise them yourself?'*
"Oh. yes; they were three shillings and sixpence
yesterday." " ■ ■/"*
Wanted to. Start Something.
Creditor-—"Cairt you pay something on account
of that_ bill you owe me?"
■Debtor (grotichily)—"How much do you want?"
Cxedito^^Well, enough to fee a lawyer to ■"■■*■' ;
su<f " ..,«-» trance, anyway."
The Up-ta-Date Girl.
The Man—"Lemme go! I'm all right; I can
swim."
Trie Girl—"I don't care. I'm going to save you.
I want a medal/'
What Pa Was Reading.
"Can't I send pa some books for summer reading?"
"Naw; pa don't want no books He's got a ther-
mometer to read."
Friendly Criticism.
Maude—'"She comes from a very old family."
Edith—"One would know that to look at her."
f ~'~s r Smart Set Jokes 29
In the Swim.
A reviewer in the New York Nation illustrates his
own comhients on a certain new volume of essays by
t\ a story that is worth putting into circulation. Three
\ hearers, he says, of the admired Dr. X.were talking
j in the vestibule after the sermon.
\ "We must admit," remarked the first, "that the
j doctor dives deeper into his subject than any other
v preacher."
"Yes," said the second; "and stays under longer."
"And comes up drier," added the third.
The Rivals.
>Riggs—"Singular, isn't it, that neither of your
stenographers wants a vacation this year?"
Griggs—"No,vit's easily explained. I recently took
A a good looking young man into the office, and neither
of the girls is willing to go away and leave the field
to the other."
The Little Cheater.
Harold Wiblits had a great idea.
"HI hypnotize the widow and then propose!" he
thought. "It won't take any nerve then. I can
hypnotize people. I used to when I was a boy."
So that evening he said to her, as he sat on his
end of the sofa and she sat demurely in the middle,
"Mrs. Weevils, just for fun, you know—tee bee*—
won't you let me try to hypnotize you ?"
%
30 3mart Set Jokes
"Oh, uu:' bi.J a^ reed, for she was a woman who
was in for anything, one of that kind.
"You are completely in my power; sleep, sleep,
sleep!" chanted Harold solemnly, and he passed his
hands foolishly in> front of her face. And, lo! the
fair girl's eyes closed and her head sank on to -
Harold's shoulder.
"Kiss me, I command you!" said Harold. And
obediently she kissed him. Then, with a start, half-
way through the kiss, she opened her lovely eyes.
"Where am I?" she cried, three-quarters way
through the kiss.
"You're here, engaged to marry me!" cried Harold.
"This is so sudden!" she murmured, and never/
told him, though they lived happily for 67 years
afterward, that she hadn't been hypnotized at all.
Described.
He was wandering aimlessly around jn a depart-
ment store when the floorwalker approached him.
"Looking for something?" he asked.
"Yes, my wife," replied the man.
"Describe her."
"Well, she's a sort of limousine, \?tth keavy tread,
and usually runs on low."
True Friendship.
Two boys, one the possessor of a permit, were
fishing on a certain estate when, a gamekeeper sud-
denly darted from a thicket. The lad with the per-
mit uttered a cry of fright, dropped his rod and ran
Smart Set Jokes 3i
off at top speed. The gamekeeper was led a swift
chase. Then, worn out, the boy halted. The man
seized him by the arm and said between pants:
/"Have you a permit to fish on this estate?"
"Yes, to be sure," said the boy, quietly.
"You have? Then show it to me."
The boy drew the permit from his pocket. The
man examined it and frowned in perplexity and
anger.
"Why did you run when you had this permit ?■'
he asked.
"To let the other boy get away," was the reply.
"He didn't have none!" ,'.
Eiymology.
"Why do they call these dentists' offices dental
parlors?" asked Smith of-his friend.
"Why, parlor is the old-fashioned name for draw-
ing-room."
A Painstaking Servant.
One evening in the spring, while a certain New
Yorker was putting in a week at his country place
in New Hampshire, he prepared to fcake a ride in his
motor car, expecting to remain out until late.
He therefore told his new man that he need not
wait for him, instructing him wh~n he had finished,
his work to lock the garage and place the key under
a stone, the location of which the owner described
with much exactness.
When the employer reached home after his ride
32
Smart Set Jokes
he was surprised to find that the key was not in its
place. When his patience had been exhausted after
a fruitless search he awoke the man and received
this explanation:
"Why, sir" I found a much better place for it." ■ *
The Partner's Apology.
During a civil suit in a western court the judge de-
cided a contest point against a young lawyer, where-
upon the latter lost his head.
"Your Honor," said he, in a palpitating voice, fac-
ing the court, "I am amazed."
^Instantly the young lawyer's partner, who hap-
pened to Bfe in the courtroom, sprang to his feet.
''Your Honor," interposed h% "I want to apologize
for the hasty remark of my young partner. By the
time he is as did as I am he will not be amazed at
anything your Honor does."
A Tunnel Tale.
As the Lackawanna train left Hoboken, a little
woman tugged at a window, trying to open it.
Beside her sat a burly man, looking upon her ef-
forts with indifference.
Said a young minister across the aisle: "Shame
on you, sir, to sit there and let that little woman
raise that window-—r"
"She can't; don't worry," responded the burly
man.
Even as he spoke the train plunged into the
smoke and gas of the tunnel.
Smart Set Jokes 32
The Cowardly Sort.
"When I arose to speak," related the martyred
statesman, "some one threw a base, cowardly egg at
me."
"And what kind of an egg might that be?" asked
an attentive listener.
"A. base, cowardly egg" explained the statesman,
"is one that hits you and then runs.".
Preliminary Consultation.
Chief Counsel-—"The first thing to do is to get
at the root of this trouble."
Associate Counsel—"The root of the trouble is
the late Mr. Bigwad's fortune."
Chief Counsel—"Exactly; and we must get at it."
The Responsible One.
If it wasn't for the watch-mender, we-wouldn't
have such a good time.
They Did That Time.
Mistress (coming home unexpectedly)—"What's
the meaning of this? You've got on my blue skirt
and my green silk blouse!"
Maid—"Well, what of it? Don't they go to-
gether?" ~
Feminine Failing.
Cora—"Is her age her trump card ?"
Nora—"It must be. because she is always for-
getting it/? t
34 Smart Set Jokes
The Penalty.
"There seems to be a penalty provided for every-
thing but stealing a man's daughter/'
"There's a penalty for that,, too." **
"I'd like to know what it is."
"Hard labor for life."
Class in Current Events.
Teacher—"What lesson do we learn from the at-
tack oil the Dardanelles ?"
Prize Scholar—"That a strait beats three kings,
Dad says."
The Obstacle.
"Wouldn't you like to sit in a gentl^^n's game?"
insinuated a shifty-eyed casual acqus: ice.
"Nawi" grimly replied Sandsto, > ■ Smith, of
Rampage, Oklahoma, who is tempore -'Ay in our.
midst. "I'm no gentleman !"
Tried Both.
The Widow—"If you married again, I suppose you
would wrant a woman of intellect."
The Widower—"Yes, but just about medium."
The Widow—"Medium?"
The Widower—"Yes. My first wife was a strong-
minded woman and my lecond was a weak-minded
"^man.( and one's about as bad as t'other."
**
Smart Set Jokes 35
What He Used Them For.
Customer—"I want another fire-extinguisher. Used
the fast one all Up last night."
Clerk—"Glad to sell them to you, sir, hut aren't
you rather careless,jit your place. That is the third
one I've sold you in a week.".
Customer—"O, I don't use them for fire. They are
the greatest things on earth for chasing out your
daughter's late callers."
Shot in the Melee.
Loquacious Visitor—"So you were wounded at the
front, my good man?" -
Irishman—"No, begorry* I was wounded in the
rear av me."
* No Wonder.
"What's your husband so angry about?"
"He's been out of work six weeks."
"I should think that would suit him first rate."
"That's it! He's just got a job."
Recessional.
Ham—"When I left the stage last night the audi-
ence went wild with applause."
Sam—"Well, most likely they knew you weren't
riming on again."
36
Smart Set Jokes
The Hint That,Failed.
Visitor (waiting an invitation to lunch)--"Two
o'clock! I fear I'm keeping you from your dinner."
Hostess—"No; but I fear we are keeping you
from yours!"
No Criterion.
Tommy—-"I don't think aunty will stay; she didn't
bring lier trunk."
Johnny—"Huh J Look how long the baby has
stayed, and he didn't bring anything."
sv^ The Humbling of Deacon Todd.
"I tell you, Edgely," said Mr. Todd, rs tliey sat in
the park, "the way women dress these days is ab-
surd! And nine times out of ten it is "he fault of
men. Just for instance, take that v ?an coming
down the path. Some fool husband ha* :oM her she
looks perfectly charming in that outrage ms get-up,
lacking the stamina to come right out bluntly and
tell her that she looks positively ridiculous/'
Since this remark Mr. Todd hag" never been seen
in public1 without his glasses. The woman was Mrs.
Todd.
The Time, The Place, and Girl.
"Are you sure that young Smithson loves you and
you alone?"
"Oh, yes, dad. More then than at air* other time.'%
Smmc Sjet Jokes 3?
The Obvious Reply.
"Pa,"-inquired William, "what is a burlesque?"
"A burlesque, son," replied the /father, "is a take-
off."
-"Take off what?"
"Henry/' interrupted the mother, who*1 had been
listening to the conversation, "if you are going to
answer that question I will leave the room."
Willing to Help.
Mr. Crawford—"The only way for me to avoid
these paj-ments is to put everythirtg I own in your
name."
Mrs. Crawford—"Won't it be just lovely for me
to have all that money to spend!"
In the Future.
Mr. Pee wee—"We demand votes for n*^* . Now
is the time for action! Let us take the bull by the
horns!"
Mr. Homebody—"A point of order! The gentle-
man should have, said, 'Let us take the cow by the
horns.' "
Forged Ahead.
"Nevertheless, I cannot begrudge him a cent of
his fortune. He began at the f@@t and get many a
kick."
"He did?"
"Yes; he was a blacksmith."
38
Smart Set jokes
Well Run.
First Sweet Young Thing—"What did you admire
most at the seashore?"
> Second Sweet Young Thing—"The working of the
tide. It didn't break down once while we "were
there."
Coronation.
Knicker—"Woman's crowning glor„y is her hair."
Bocker—"But she doesn't want anybody to see
her put it on."
Once Bitten, Twice Shy.
A philanthropic lady visited an asylum not long
ago and displayed great interest in the inmates. One
old man particularly gained her compassion. "And
how long have you been here, my man ?" she in-
quired. -
"Twelve years," was the answer.
"Do they treat you well?"
"Yes."
"Do they feed you well?"
"Yes."
After addressing a few more questions to him the
visitor passed on. She noticed a smile broadening
on the face of her attendant, and on asking the
cause heard with consternation that the old man
was none other than the medical ^ superintendent.
She hurried back to make apologies. How sue-
/&«i&_vt, _
Smart °et Jokes 39
cessful she was may be gathe^d from these wotdsj
"I am sorry, doctor. I will never be governed by
appearances again."
A Ready Solution.
A well-to-do farmer in need of legal advice sought
a struggling attorney -with reference to a suit he de-
sired to bring against a neighbor. The lawyer
looked up the statutes and advised his client what
course to pursue. As the latter rose to leave the
office he asked: ''What's your fee ?"
"Oh, say, three-dollars," carelessly responded the
attorney. *
Whereupon the client proffered a five-dollar bill.
The lawyer seemed embarrassed. He carefully
searched his pockets and the drawers of his desk
without finding the necessary change. Finally he
met the exigency by pocketing the bill and observing,
as he reached for a digest:
"It would seem, sir, that I shall haiy/ to °"ive you
two dollars' worth more of advice."
Correct.
"What's an optimist?"
"A man who tells other-people not to worry when
things are coming his way."
His Future.
Hepsey—"That boy of ours seems mighty fond
of tendin' to other folks' business."
40
Smart Set Jokes
Hiram—Guess we'll hev to make a lawyer of him.
Then he'll git paid fof* doin' of it."
As Usual With the Linguist.
"Professor Thinkum speaks seven different lan-
guages."
"Yes," replied Miss Cayenne. "But nobody takes
much interest in what he says in any of them."
The Original.
"Met the original tightwad the other night."
"What did he do?"
"After I bought him dinner, theater tickets and a
midnight supper, he wanted to match me to see who
paid the carfare home."
While the Waiter Waits.
The Embarrassed . One—"You've saved my life
with the fiver. I'll owe you an eternal debt of
gratitude."
The Generous One—"I don't care how long you
owe me your gratitude; but as to the five simoleons
—that's another matter."
The Explanation.
"My dear," said Mr. Hemmandhaw, "I hope you
are not planning to buy a lot of new furniture."
"I am not," replied Mrs. Hemmandhaw, "and I
don't know what gives you the idea."
"This shopping list, gives me the idea."
"What shopping list?"
-5&8K&- -_.. ,,
-5MART Set Jokes ; 4i
"On this paper which I just picked i£ off the
floor is written: 'Wash stand, parlor chairs, dining-
room table, writing desk, refrigerator, taboret, piano
stool, pedestal, stepladder, cedar chest, music cab-
inet and garbage can.'"
"Oh, that is just a record I was keeping of the
fhings the baby has fallen from this week."
That's Why Tfiey Are There.
The visitors were being escorted through the in-
sane asylum.
t"You seem to be very popular with your pa-
tients," remarked one of the sightseers.
"Yes," replied the superintendent, "all the -'nmates
are. just crazy about me."
Qualified as to Fibres.
"Are you good at figures?" asked the business JSpa^-
"I ought to be," replied the woman who had ap*
plied for a position. "I used to be wardrobe mis-
tress for a burlesque troupe."
Sound Finances.
A half dozen New York bankers had met in a
private office to discuss important financial matters.
Before beginning business -one of. them complained
that his kidneys were hurting him. * Another said his
liver was out of order. A third said the bad weather
had knocked his lungs all out. A fourth said his
heart wasn't acting quite right. A fifth began to
I
42
Smart Set, Jokes
r
state his case, when the sixth man stopped hurt.
"Here, here, gentlemen/' he said; "I thought this
was to be a meeting to discuss financial questions, but
it sounds to me more like an organ recital."
In the Suffrage Belt.
Visitor—"What are the boys around the store
talking ' about nowadays ?"
Village Storekeeper—"Politics and the next cam-
paign." . )_ .
Visitor—"Already discussing the chances of the
native sons, eh?"
Village Storekeeper—"Not much. This hen-
pecked crowd here don't dare. They are discussing
the chances of the native daughters."
Heard at the Club.
"J:m?on has become a firm believer in signs,"
remarked Black.
"What caused it?" asked White.
"Why, he picked up a horseshoe in front of his
house yesterday, and when he went in lie found a
note from his wife saying that she'd run away with
the chauffeur."
Lost Track of Time.
Lateboy—"Good night, Miss Cayenne. I'll be g@-
ing now. Had a most pleasant evening."
Miss Cayenne (drowsily, at 1 A. M.)—"Ah7 yes.
You called last evening, didn't you?"
l*-m
4i
• 4*
Smart Set Jcces 43
Hit It Wron-.
"I trust we shall make you feel quite at home,'*
remarked the hotel manager.
"Don't you try i ^"-expostulated the married man.
"I'm away for a good time."
Recognition.
Mollie—"How do'you recognize a gentleman in a
crowded car ?"
Dollie—"By his general get-up.".
No Cause of Action.
"I hear there is a movement on foot to weed out
all unscrupulous lawyers' from the Plunkville bar."
"We investigated and* found there are no "un-
scrupulous lawyers at the Plunkville bar."
"Who investigated?"
* "Us lawyers."
As Near as* He Could Come to It.
"Did you use that money you put by for -a rainy
day in the way you intended?"
"Not exactly. But' I -came as near using it in
that way as I could. I bough", watered stock
with it."
Not Interested.
*'l wish, Mrs. Nurich, you would come over some
time and see my apiary." ■'-'■-
"Thank you, Mr.. Jiggs; but, really, monkeys
never interested me."
44 Smart Set Jqkf
Ouch!
She—"What do you suppose Haroiu meant by
sending me those flowers ?"
Also She—"He probably meant to imply that you
were a dead one/'
Ground for Dislike.
"Wonder why Henpeck dislikes winter so much?"
"I know. In the winter he has to mind both his
wife and the furnace." . ■ ,
Time's Changes.
Black—"Some one just told me that Miss Gay-
way's mother won much fame for the delicate yarns
she used to spin in the olden days ?"
White—"And Miss Gayway^ wins much fame £or
the indelicate ones she spins in modern d^ys/*
Efficiency.
The Answers to Correspondents editor was It a
quandary.
"Here's a. communication from a woman who
wants to* knowr< how long it takes to do up a shirt,"
he said.
"That depends on the laundry/* volunteered the
sporting editor. "The one I patronize will d» up a
shirt in about three washings."
Smart Set Jokes 45
Th<£ Daughter's Idea.
Mrs. Brown was in the habit of introducing her
big daughter as, "This is Jane. She's only fifteen—
you'd never thinly it, would you?"
At last the girl protested. "It's mean of you to
tell everybody how young I am. I could .Jiave a lot
better time if you didn't."
"Perhaps you could. But I don't propose to have
people saying, after you've been out in society a
couple of seasons, 'Don't tell me Jane Brown is orijy
twenty—why she was a grown girl years ago!"
"Just the same," retorted the daughter, "you
vnnldn't like it if I introduced you to my friends as,
*This is my mother; She's only forty-eight—you'd
never think it, would you?'"
Peace.
This was after the lovers' quarrel:
"I can rj£ver forgive you," he cried.' "Last night
you said I was a lobster."
"But, you know, darling," she replied, and her tone
was conciliatory, "yotf know how dearly I love
lobsters." •
With a glad cry he folded her to his breast.
Faulty Deduction.
Sherlopk—That stenographer is at the telephone
describing her new hat tp her chum. From that I
deduce that her^foiployer is out.
Watson—You're wrong, Sherlock. Her boss is
right at hand. He gave her the hat
46 3mart Set Jokes
Built for It.
"Doesn't that youngster of yours toe-in a little
when he tries to stand up?"
"Yes/* replied the fond father. "We have great
hopes of him. It Iqoks to me as if he were naturally
built for an expert golf player/* '/~
Thankless.
Mrs. Bruggs—"Mrs. Van Perkins complains that
her portraits don't look like her."
Photographer—"Complains, does she? She ought
to be grateful/*
Tlie Wherefore.
"Miss Wombat is not a ^irl who wants to talk
all the time. She is willing to listen."
"Yes; somebody once told her that she had beau-
tiful ears/* *
A Hint.
If you really want her, then use this formula in
proposing:
"Will you marry me? And have you any objec-
tion?'*
.Don't you see, "Yes," or "No," you get her either
way. Think it over—spring's comin'.
The Bottom Rupf.
Nainsook—"I'm going to be married."
Lingerie—"To whom, pray?"
Nainsook (shamefacedly)—"A student/*
Smart Set Jokes
47
Lingerie—"Oh, dear me, I'm disappointed/'
Nainsook—"So am I; but, then, a'poor girl-has
to start somewhere." ' .
At thte Exposition.
Farmer—"Gosh, look at that! Ha!"
Guide—"Gosh, look how them there signs are
mixed! There's a figure of a girl with no arms and
it's called 'Venus,' and. right next to it is one labeled
'September Morn—Hands off.' "
Convinced.
"This time she is positive^she is in love."
"What convinced her?"
"His income." * ■ A '
More Like It.
Crawford—"Did he tell you that he was going to
marry the widow?"
Crabshaw—"No; the widow told me; she was going
to marry him."
Suspicious.
* - Mrs. Bilton—"I think you're the dearest, sweetest
man that ever was ("
Bilton (suspiciously)-—-""Were you at some millinery
opening today?"
-?------'-------
Breakers Ahead There!
Thissen—"The girl'dancing there should be a good
swimmer."
Thatten—"Wh(y do you say that ?"
48-* Smart Set Jokes '
ThisseB—"Don't you see the fine overhand stroke
she uses?"
A Deep One.
Mae—"Ruth had a new gown on last night.3
Grace—"Oh, what was it like?"
Mae—-"Why, mostly Ruth."
A Feature.
Movie Operator—"What shall I do with this film?
There is a tear in it that cuts right through tlie hero's
nose?"
Clever Manager—"Ha! just the thing! Bill, it is
a feature in two parts!"
% -------------------------
None Available.
Employer—"Have you no excuse to offer for such
laziness ?".
Hired Man—"I haven't any that will work."
To the Bitter End.
Crabshaw—"Why don't you try to patch things up
with your wife ?" > «
Henpeck—"It's no use; she won't even grant an
armistice."
And Some. ... - •
Boreleigh—"Some men, you know, are born great,
some achieve greatness------"
Miss Keen—"Exactly! And some just grate upon
you." . ■ ' ■.
Smart Set Jokes 49
Curious Formation.
"Professor, you seem interested in my jelly cake."
"Ye?,'1 .said the.eminent geologist; "you seldom see
such regular and sharply defined strata."
Hit for Hat.
Mrs. Toggerblossom—"Vain man! Did you never
observe that designers take a woman's head to adorn
many of your coins r""
Mr. Toggerblossom—"No; but I have observed that
designers take many of my coins to adorn a woman's
head." x
* His Car.
"Where were you last night?" asked one girl of
another. __^^
lil was out ncling with father in his car."
"But I didn't know your father had an automobile."
"He hasn't; he's a motorman."
In Suspense.
Johnny-r-"Pa, what is a 'quandary'?"
Father—"l?s what a man gets into when he tells
his wife a lie and doesn't know whether she believes
it Qr not."
"Birds of a. feather flock together," quoted the
Wise Guy.
"That's •right," agreed the ^Simple Mug. "The fel-
low who throws his mo^ey to the birds is a good bft
of a jay himself."
50 Smart Set Jokes
How He Got It.
"Yes, he's one of our leading citizens. He cer-
tainly has climbed high in a few years. Why, he
holds our best Federal job!"
"Indeed! How did he.get it?"
"His brother-in-law is our leading politician."
Anything But That.
"Do 3'ou think that if I refuse him he will do
something desperate?"
"Nope; he'll probably-live to be glad of it."
'Then I shall marry him, the brute!"
Good Reason.
Lover (passionately)—"Sir, I love the very ground
your daughter walks on!"
Father (grimly)—"No doubf^ypu do; it's worth,
two hundred dollars a front-foot.* «
Professional Jealousy.
Caller—"Pardon me, sir; but is there another artist
in this building?" ^
Artist—"There is not. There is, however, a man
on the fourth floor who paints." >
Question.
"Are you going to the musicale .at the Robinsons*
tonight?"
"I don't know. Are they goinjr to fef "*• music or is
Josephine going to sing?"
Sma&t Set Jokes 51
Couldn't Feaze Her. >^
"Some one played a dirty trick on Widow Jenkins."
"Zasso?"'
"Yes. They turned out the lights in the church at
her third wedding, and then gave her the laugh
when she found her way up to the pulpit in the dark."
J Her Complaint.
"Are you the editor of the paper?" asked the lady
with the d«"ab spats, calling.
."I am," replied the man with the poised pencil.
"Well, I called to ask you if you wouldn't get
larger type. My name was in your paper fjve times
last week, and a neighbor of mine told me she never
saw it."
When Women Vote.
"What was the matter with the Fourth ward?" in-
quired the precinct captain.
"The district leader's wife wore a last-year hat,**
glumlv replied the central committeeman.
A Paradox.
Ted—"Smere sold his sketches of city life for five
thousand."
Ned—"Well, he's the''first artist I ever knew who
made money painting the tow^ '*
52 Smart Set Jokes
40 Logic.
Helen—vTttrn down the light, Boh, and then we can
talk about love."
Bob—"But, my dear, we will then be in the dark
about it."
"T wish I could become famous, too/* sighed the
wife of the Great Man. "I have never done anything
really clever in my whole life."
"You seem to forget, my dear, tljat you married
me," replied the Great Man. :
As the Twig Is Bent.
Hills—"What line does your son take to?"
Mills—"Contracting. Debts. For dad to pay!"
A widow is a fascinating being, with the flavor of
maturity, the spice of experience, the piquancy of
mystery, the tang of practiced coquetry-—and the halo
of one man's approval.
City transportation becomes smoother, quicker and
more reliable every day—but the time when a hus-
band gets home nights is just as wobbly and uncer-
tain as ever.
Tn the mathematics of a bachelor, one kiss makes
a flirtation, two kisses make a conquest, three kisses
make a love affair—and four kisses r*»!:s one tired.
Smart 3ft Jokes ~53
It is very flattering to a woman to be told tte X
she appeals to a man's "nobler self"; but, somehow,
she can't help wondering what other woman is ap-
pealing to the other 99 per cent, of him.
No Need to Bluff.
First 'Waiterv—'^rhat's his wife -he's got with him."
Second Waiter—"What makes you think so?"
First Waiter—"He picked up the quarter and left
me the dime, and she was looking right at him all
the time."
Country Pastor—"I should ■ get a higher salary.
Spiritual food must necessarily advance if other
staples do."
Penurious Deacon—"Well, I'll tell you how to get
around that, parson. Charge the same oM price, but
serve smaller portions."
Lynx-Eyed.
Muriel was a dear, sweet ^hing—very young, very
pretty. She had only left school a month or so ago,
but already a young man stood shyly on the doorstep
every other evening.
Said mother one day:
"Muriel, your father and I know nothing about
this young man. Is he—er—quite nice ?"
"Mamma," she said softly, "Harry is—is just per-
fectly wonderful."
"Yes, Muriel/' replied her mother, understandingly.
54 ■ Smart Set Jokes
# •
"Yes, he is! Why, yc:: and papa have known me
all my life and never noticed it."
"Never noticed what, dear?" ..
"Why, Harry kept looking into my eyes last eve-
ning, and every time he looked into them he whis-
pered to me that each one was just a little bit bluer
than the other!"
An Even Exchange.
When Doctor Creighton wa's Bishop of London he
rode in a train one day with a small, meek curate.
Doctor Cre.ghton, an ardent lover of tobacco, soon
took out his cigar case and said, with *i smile:
"You don't mind my smoking,! suppose?"
The meek, pale little curate bowT'ed arid answered
humbly:
"Not if your lordship doesn't mind my being sick."
Of Two Evils.
"Does my playing the piano annoy" you, papa?"
asked the daughter.
"Oh, no, daughter; go right on," replied the parent.
"It prevents me hearing a lot of your mother's con-
versation !" ' --'
Most after-dinner proposals of marriage are 2 per
cent, pure love and 98 per cent alcohol."
"A man," saith the Cynic, "is like unto a briar pipe
—strong, good, serviceable, seldom beautiful and
never subtle; but a woman resembleth a Turkish cig-
Smari\Set Jokes - 55
arette, whicn is ligp, delicate, unsatisfying, unstable,
quickly kindled—and quickly finished.!"
Her Principal Concern.
Mrs. Newly^d—"Gracious, Henry! I do believe
that I forgot to lock-the'front dgor!"
Mr. Newly wed—"Oh? well, never mind. All the.
valuables are in the safe/' _,
Mrs. Newlywed—"IJknow"; but I didn't get all of
my work done yesterday and the house is all upside
down!" '" — •
A woman likes to drop a love affair with a crash
and a grand fijiale, but a man prefers to drop it inch
by inch—and then crawl out by the stage door.
Before marriage it costs a man a lot of pride and
the price of a box of orchids to "make up" with- a
woman after a-love spat; after marriage it costs him
a few lies and the price of a new hat.N
Some men are destined to make a noise in the
world, and some can't even drop a hint. without*
making a noise like a boiler explosion.
Sillicus—"Do you believe in long engagements?"
Cynicus—-"Sure. The longer you are engaged, the
shorter ti^i'e you have to be married."
Wigg__"What do yojjflliink of Skinnum's hon-
esty.?" \ W ■
S6 Smart Set Jokes
, Wagg—"Well, ril tell you. I said to him tbl
other evening: 'Let's take a walk.' And he said:
'All right, Whose shall we take?5"
Mo Application From Us.
Drug Clerk—-.''Yes, sir; we have iiKftiy applications
"for corns." .
Customer—"That's odd'. Most people want to get
rid of them,"
Other Attractions.
"I fear we are losing our ideals in the mad rush
for wealth."
"Oh, I don't know. The mad rush for the ball-
park will soon begin." /%-.
Love is 99.44 per cent, pure—pure imagination,
pure vanity, pure curiosity, pure folly or whatever
else it happens to be.
It is the noble, unselfish, high-souled woman who
inspires men with chivalry—hut it's the other kind
who gives them a chance to practice it.
To a bachelor a wedding ring on a pretty woman's
finger is the white flag which assures him that he
may proceed (to flirt) with safety.
A "gentleman" is one who covers that ."Let-me-
love-yoti-for-a-little-while"0altitude of the latter day
r
Smart Sea ->k£s 57
swain with af.bushel of devotion and,a sugar coating
of sweet lies:
It requires a little moisture to make a postage
stamp stick and a little cold water of indifference to
make a sweetheart stick.
Of course, there are many different ways of
accumulating a fortune, but the sausage manufac-
turer makes his money, in the wurst way."
"I haven't a friend in the world," complained the
despondent man.
"Which league did you umpire in last season?"
asked the basebail fan.
Mr. Newlywed—"My dear, I should say this was
mutton, not lamb."
Mrs. Newlywed—"I thought the butchei locked
sheepish when he sold it to me."
He Got the Pass.
•"I want a pass."
"Pass? You're not entitled to a pass. You are
not an employe. Sorry/*-
"No; but here the anti-pass law says \free trans-
portation can ba.granted to 'necessary caretakers of
live stock, poultry and fruit' Well, I'm going on
this trip with-an afUnt that's a hen—there's your
poultry; a girl that's a peach—there's your fruit;
5S Smarj Set Jokes
and a nephew that's a mule—there's your livestock.
Gimme a pass."
No Way Out,
"If- we didn't have to give back any change, think
of the money we merchants would make."
^"V>. e all have our troubles/' said the magazine
publisher. ''Sometimes it frets me to ».iave to "print
any reading matter, but I s'pose it must be done."
A Valuable Paper.
Wife (reading)—"After their separation he sent
her a legal document giving her control of their
child." ^
- Husband (with a deep sigh)—"I wish I knew
where we could ge+ a document that would give us
control of our child."
"Kind words never die/' quoted the W'se Guy.
"At any rate, they are never talked to death,"
added the Simple "Mug. .<--.-
"Just look at th$se eggs, dear," said Mrs. Newly-
wed, at the breakfast table. '.'Don't they look simply
delicious? And such a bargain! I got them for
thirty-nine cents a dozen, marked down from sixty."
And then she wondered why Mr. Newly wed didn't
eat any breakfast.
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