TOASTS AND
MAXIMS
A BOOK OF -HUMOUR.
TO'PA*S TH TIM© » COLL6CT6D
PROM -VJKSttOXJS SOURC6S
With illustrations by MEISSONIER, CALDERON,
W. L. Wylie, Glendoni, the late
Phil May, P. Jerome Campbell,
Frank Reynolds, Edmund Dulac,
Lawson Wood, etc.
R.F.Fenno &, Company
18 East Seventeenth Street,
New"Ybrk.
II
<
Copyright, 1908
By R. F. Fenno & Company
1
Toasts and Maxims
CONTENTS
PAGE
Preface ........... 7
I. Her Ladyship....... 9
II. The Fruit of the Grape .... 17
III. Words from the Wise ...... 22
IV. Truisms........ 33
V. Proverbs........ 42
VI. Toasts and Sentiments . . . .60
VII. Recipes for Drinks..... 78
VIII. Under the Chestnut Tree .... 85
IX. The Road to Success..... 91
X. Essays in Little...... 97
Illustrations:
By Phil May ... 20, 34, 54 & 84
Types of Diners by F. Reynolds .
facing pp. 29, 37 & 43
Types of Toasters by Edmund Dulac
facing pp. 59, 63 & 69
PREFACE.
THE object of this book is to enable you
to prove that the saying, " When the
wine's in, the wit's out " is incorrect. No
longer need the after dinner speaker be content
with platitudes and prolonged pauses. By the
aid of this book out of his mind will come forth
words of wisdom. He need make no acknowl-
edgment. What he finds here is, like knowl-
edge, the common property of all who seek it.
If he gain a reputation as a wit or as a phi-
losopher we beg leave to state that we decline to
hold ourselves responsible for any damage that
he may thereby incur. Humour is regarded in
business circles as a vice, and we have accord-
ingly been at some trouble to disguise our pleas-
antries. If you cannot see any humour in this
book we congratulate ourselves on our success,
and you may quote any portion of it without
fear of impairing your credit. On the other
hand you will find herein deep truths coated over
like sugared fruits with an easy flippancy. We
wish to help you to instruct your friends with-
out their knowing it. While they think they
are being amused you are all the time prepar-
ing them for the days when the Nonconformist
Conscience will be omnipotent.
In these days when all would be teachers,
scholars must be coaxed.
When the red wine is passed round and the
loving cup is raised on high you may recall to
memory some well turned sentiment, of which
these pages boast not a few, and your words
will bind heart to heart and life to life. Men
forget many things their promises, their loves,
their lives, but never the sincere compliment that
passes with the port:
Here's to those that we love,
Here's to those that love us,
Here's to those that love them that we love
And to those that love them that love us!
5)
TOASTS AND MAXIMS
He laughs longest who laughs last
Somehow a woman with short hair always
makes a man wonder how he would look in
petticoats.
To love is the least fault of the woman who has
abandoned herself to love.
9
I
Drink ye to her that each loves best!
And if you nurse a flame
That's told but to her mutual breast,
We will not ask her name.
Campbell.
Money talks but nobody notices what kind of
grammar it uses.
It is easier to love some women than to have to
tell them why you do.
Marry in haste and repent in the Divorce Court.
10
.": V^5 \ You could not get a girl with freckles to worry
* about such trifles as Consols.
Dolls are made for girls to play with, not for
men to marry.
Women have so much heart that they don't need
any conscience.
ift-. V
\ .v>\
We pass often from love to ambition, but we
seldom return from ambition to love.
The man who thinks he loves his mistress for
her sake is much mistaken.
What could have been the use of Eve's wearing
clothes when there were no other women to be
jealous of them?
Women don't dress to please the men, but to
worry other women.
11
'"■**&£
A man's home is his wife's castle.
Women in love more easily forgive great indis-
cretions than small indelicacies.
Birds of a feather flock together - on a theatre
hat,
A bird on a bonnet is worth five on a plate.
We had better appear to be what we are,
than affect to be what we are not.
Be the same thing ye wa'd be ca'd.
12
He was a man of twenty-one, and he had been
three times disappointed in love. He proposed
the health of the ladies thus:
This wine we quaff with eager sips,
This wine we hold so dear,
Though not so sweet as maidens' lips
Is a darned sight more sincere.
The man of experience knows better:
O! the neatness of their neatness when they're
neat,
O! the fleetness of their fleetness when they're
fleet,
But the neatness of their neatness
And the fleetness of their fleetness
Is as nothing to the sweetness when they're
sweet.
" Go to father," she said when I asked her to
wed,
For she knew that I knew that her father was
dead,
And she knew that I knew what a life he had
It is better to be made a fool of by women than
to be ignored by them.
When a woman has nine children she begins to
have suspicions about some of the beautiful
passages in love stories.
After fifty virtue becomes almost a habit.
It takes nine tailors to make a man and one
woman to break him.
<£ &
A widow's advantage is that she can give
references.
14
Ask me no more the moon may draw the sea,
The corkscrew from its lair extract the cork,
A pickle may be fished out with a fork,
But four small words are all you'll draw from me,
Ask me no more.
Marriage is man's after-thought, but woman's
intention.
Match-making is an amiable trait with a touch
of brimstone about it.
Beauty is only skin deep. But it takes some
time to get through the preliminary enamel.
A wife is a woman who is expected to purchase
without means, and sew on buttons before they
come off.
Here's to the prettiest,
Here's to the wittiest,
Here's to the truest of all who are true,
Here's to the neatest one,
Here's to the sweetest oi
15
Some are born widows, others achieve widow-
hood, whilst others have widows thrust
upon them.
Marriage for love is risky, but it is right.
There are many women who never have had
one intrigue; but there are few who have had
only one.
It was Sir Frank Lockwood who sang:
The fee simple and the simple fee,
And all the fees entail,
Are nothing when compared with thee,
Thou best of fees female.
Woman needs no eulogy; she speaks for
herself.
There are girls whom we fool with
And girls whom we're cool with,
And girls whom we spoon with for fun,
There are girls whom we kiss
And there's girls whom we'd miss,
But we never can love more than one.
16
II. THE FRUIT OF THE GRAPE.
And let me the canakin clink, clink;
And let me the canakin clink;
A soldier's a man;
A life's but a span;
Why then let a soldier drink. Othello.
A QUESTION
Fill all the glasses there, for why
Should every creature drink but I?
Why, man of morals, tell me why?
A cup of wine that's brisk and fine,
And drink unto the leman mine;
And a merry heart lives long-a.
THE FIVE REASONS
If on my theme I rightly think,
There are five reasons why men drink
Good wine, a friend, because I'm dry,
Or else I may be by and by,
Or any other reason why.
17
TILL, THE WORLD GO ROUND.
Come, thou monarch of the vine,
Plumpy Bacchus with pink eyne!
In thy fats our cares be drown'd,
With thy grapes our hairs be crown'd;
Cup us, till the world go round,
Cup us, till the world go round!
Antony and Cleopatra.
THE WAY TO BE WISE.
If wisdom's ways you wisely seek,
Five things observe with care:
Of whom you speak, to whom you speak.
And how, and when, and where.
THE GREAT BOOK TO STUDY.
" The proper study of mankind is man," says
Mr. Pope. " Learning," says Lord Chesterfield,
" is acquired by reading books; but the more
necessary learning, the knowledge of the world,,
is only to be acquired by reading men, and
studying all the various editions of them."
Again: " All are in general, and yet no two
in particular, exactly alike. Those who have
not accurately studied, perpetually make mis-
takes : they do not discern the shades and grada-
tions that distinguish characters seemingly
alike," etc. " Let the great book of the world
be your principal study."
18
'//
ANCIENT&rtODERJJ
Only ihe
young ctie good.
ELL the truth and shame the family.
There's a pen for the wise, but alas t
no pound for the foolish.
What can't be cured must be insured.
Don't take the will for the deed get the deed.
The greatest possession is self-possession.
19
4
If*- hh
f\
" I can gie ye a guid prescription for your cauld!" " What is it ?'
" A wee drap o' Dewar's." "1 can gie ye a better ane!"
"What is it?" "A big drap o' Dewar's."
20
Save your pennies, and your wife's dressmaker
will take care of the pounds.
The law has no penalty for stealing a heart
because the punishment of having it left on
your hands is enough.
To have a thing is little, if you're not allowed
to show it,
And to know a thing is nothing, unless others
know you know it.
If a donkey brays at you, don't bray at him.
LAUGHING AND WEEPING.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you;
Weep, and you weep alone;
For this solid old earth must borrow its mirth,
It has trouble enough of its own.
Sing, and the hills will echo it;
Sigh, and it's lost on the air;
For they want full measure of all your pleasure,
But nobody wants your care.
Feast, and your halls are crowded;
Fast, and they pass you by;
Succeed and give, and they let you live;
Fail, and they let you die.
21
III.WORDS FROM THE WISE.
THE WORLD.
9Tis an excellent world that we live in,
To lend, or to spend, or to give in;
But to borrow, or beg, or to get one's own,
?Tis the very worst world that ever was known.
Folly closely attends us through life. When a
man seems to be wise, it is merely that his follies
are proportionate to his age and fortune.
The love of glory, the fear of shame, the design
of making a fortune, the desire of rendering life
easy and agreeable, and the humour of pulling
down other people, are often the causes of that
valour so celebrated among men.
We brag about the bread our mother made
because we don't have to eat it any more.
" What a sad world we live in," Scandal cries,
I own it will be better when he dies.
No answer is also an answer.
22
The Hand That Cooks the Meal is the Hand
That Rules the World
Handsome is as the photographer does.
Everybody takes pleasure in returning small
obligations; many go so far as to acknowledge
moderate ones; but there is hardly anyone who
does not repay great obligations with ingrati-
tude.
23
SAYINGS.
Honesty in little things is not a little thing.
Little fishes are sweet, and little rooms are warm.
He who lied before will lie again.
Of two evils choose the one least likely to be
talked about.
Look through a key-hole and your eye will be
sore.
In showers the umbrella at home is of no use.
" Beware of the paint," whether on walls or on
women.
" Almost" never shoots a cock pheasant.
If they call you reaper, whet your scythe.
Drink nothing without seeing it, sign nothing
without reading it.
24
vj^t 1 Charity begins at home but ends when you reach
the cook.
Old age gives good advice, when it is no
longer able to give bad example.
!'.*/ - *»'» :
Money makes the mare go, but horses make the
money go.
A tramcar is good enough for a multi-million-
aire; he does not have to indulge in any auto-
mobile bluff. r^T'-^
?.. »"*
Under some circumstances it may not be dis- t*i\''*\ >\
agreeable to have a jealous wife, for she will iL V >*
always be talking of what pleases her husband. *"*'\%:%
Decency is the least of all laws, but the most
strictly observed.
U&4 &
IT?,
i
Matri money is the root of all evil.
An optimist tries to capitalize rainbows.
Rainy days will surely come,
Take your friend's umbrella home.
Necessity is the mother of contention.
Where there's a will there's a law-suit.
26
*
Nobody speaks to Mr. Poor in the street, but
very distant relatives of Mr. Rich find him out,
even among the hills.
People who love in glass houses should pull
down the blinds.
Those who apply themselves too much to little
things, commonly become incapable of great
ones.
The gardener's rule applies to youth and age,
When young sow wild oats, but when old grow
sage.
Unfortunately all contrition is ex post facto.
Honour is without profit in most countries.
A lie in time saves nine.
n
Two ears and but a single tongue
By nature's laws to man belong.
The lesson she would teach is clear,
Repeat but half of what you hear.
No one can safely appear to have money save
he who has not got it.
We assist others, in order that they may assist
us on like occasions.
The man who laughs at his own jokes is like a
hen that cackles after she has laid an egg.
But nobody blames the hen.
28
TYPES OF DINERS
1.Baron and the Baroness Von Schwartzenberg.
TYPES OF DINERS
1.--BARON VON SCHWARTZENBERG AT THE EM-
BANKMENT HOTEL
The Baron can scarcely be called a well-
known type, because there is only one of him,
and in his idea there never has been, and never
will be another quite like him. He has his own
special way of doing everything, or rather of
allowing it to be done, for you see he is not
active, but passive. His coat is being taken off
for him, while he remains immovable.
In fact, if the Baron is to have a class to him-
self, it will be the " Immobile." His ancestral
domain is far away in the forests of Hungary,
and there in his own peculiar way, he shines.
In Vienna, he commands a regiment of the
Guards, and it is needless to say they obey him.
The Baron never smiles, converses, turns his
head, or asks a question. Two things he can do
really well he commands and he shines.
But the Baroness is here also. She too has
her peculiar virtues, that no one dares to imi-
tate. No lady of distinction, from Vienna to
London, was ever known to remove her gloves
with such perfect grace, and the Baron allows
that in her particular sphere of removing her
gloves, she also shines.
But they are types of diners although it
can neither be said that they eat to live, or live
to eat. Both these activities are vulgar. The
Baron and Baroness, on the contrary, live to
dine, which is a fine art. In fact, with the
Baroness, who does not eat, it is the finest of
the arts.
29
He who imagines he can do without the
world deceives himself much; but he who
fancies the world cannot do without him
is under a still greater deception.
Moderation is a dread of incurring that envy
and contempt which attend upon intoxicated
prosperity; it is an ostentation of the strength
of the mind. Moderation in an exalted station
is the desire of appearing superior to fortune.
Repentance is not so much a remorse for what
we have done, as an apprehension of conse-
quences.
When we go home late may we find our wives
where Cain found his in the Land of Nod.
Wine, Women, Mirth, and Laughter,
Sermons and soda water the day after.
While we live, let's live in clover,
For when we are dead, we're dead all over.
Only dull people are dull in this world.
30
them waiting.
Stand on your head and the world will be
upside down.
The milliner cares not who writes the songs, for
she writes the bills.
Matches may be made in Heaven, but they are
sold on earth.
We feel shame not for what we have done,
but for what others know we have done.
Confidence in conversation has a greater
share than wit.
31
THE LAW AND THE PROFIT.
If the claims of a law case attractively draw,
And your case no one can make much of it,
You should never forget that an action-at-law
Is not worth if there isn't a profit.
Hiches are often denied to the good man.
The straight and narrow way is like Chancery
Lane it leads to Carey Street.
The object of our ambition should be to be
happy at home. Our own home is implied.
The alternative is easy.
It is not what we earn but what we can bor-
row that makes some of us rich.
A director is known by the company he keeps.
It is bad form to acknowledge the posession of
a heart, but all the rest of one's inside may be
freely mentioned.
Nowadays one would almost suppose that health
is a state of unnatural existence.
32
IV. TRUISMS.
Ambition is a lust that is never quenched.
To fear the worst oft cures the worst.
An honest man is the noblest work of God.
Good actions crown themselves with lasting days.
The first of all English games is making money.
Genius is only a protracted patience.
By work you get money; by talk you get
knowledge.
Judge of a man by his questions rather than by
his answers.
The worst man often gives the best advice.
Suspicion is the poison of true friendship.
33
" Canst thou minister to a mind diseased
Pluck from memory a rooted sorrow ?'
" Certainly Try a Dewar's."
34
Society's " Come in" depends largely on the
size of your income.
You may lead an ass to knowledge,
but you cannot make him think.
There is no time like the pleasant.
Getting into debt is as easy as falling out of a
balloon, and getting out of debt as easy as
falling up into the balloon again.
Flattery is a sort of bad money, to which our
vanity gives currency.
We often glory in the most criminal passion;
but that of envy is so shameful that we dare
not even own to it.
Did we not flatter ourselves, the flattery of
others could never hurt us.
Moderation resembles Temperance. We are
not so unwilling to eat more, as afraid of doing
ourselves harm by it.
What a foolish man does in the end a wise man
does in the beginning.
Truth and oil always come to the surface
at last.
35
Help someone worse off than yourself, and you
will find you are better off than you fancied.
Never cast dirt into that fountain of which you
have at some time to drink.
As you salute you will be saluted.
The top rungs of the social ladder are red-hot
iron.
Be good and you'll be happy, but you won't get
your name in the papers so often.
Being good is an awful lonesome job.
Precious things are not found in heaps.
The eagle does not catch flies.
36
TYPES OF DINERS
»;
>
Champetriere and Anastasie
Chat Vert Paris.
TYPES OF DINERS
2. Andre de la champetriere at the chat
vert, paris
Andre has been known for many years in the
Latin Quarter as a rising Symbolic Artist. He
has spent many years in rising and this is as
it should be with an idealist who has not risen
yet. He has- unique views, in fact, one view
only, and it is not at all distressing to him to be
so distinguished from the rest. Andre is an
Artist, and lives not to paint pictures or write
poems his one picture is himself, and no one
but he can pose so well no, not even Anastasie,
who faces him at the table.
But the picture that he is to paint when he
has made his dispositions will be the last pic-
ture no one will dare to paint again. Hav-
ing tried to interest many Parisiennes, he now,
with doubtful success, I think, seeks to stimu-
late the enthusiasm of Anastasie. The subject
is, needless to say, the ideal woman of the future,
but as Andre sees her there will only be one
the last of the race.
Jules, who has brought him the wine and her
the cigarette, has known Andre many years, and
many of the fore-runners of Anastasie also.
He is not sanguine about the woman of the fu-
ture of Andre's picture, and from what has gone
before, he has his doubts as to whether it ever
will be painted. But that will not disappoint
Andre de la Champetriere, who is satisfied that,
in his mind, he has already created it.
37
The swift stream is not always powerful, nc
the noisy one deep.
As is the garden so is the gardener.
When at their ease, men burn no incense; but
when trouble comes, they clasp the feet of F6.
Perfection of conversation is not to play a reg-
ular sonata, but like the iEolian harp, to await
inspiration of the passing moment.
Interest speaks all languages, and acts all parts,
even that of disinterestedness itself.
The most brilliant action ought not to pass for
great when it is not the effect of great design.
Prosperity is a stronger trial of virtue than
adversity.
The reason we are not often possessed by a
single vice is, that we are distracted by several.
Samson was a strong man, but even he could not
pay money before he had it.
88
He who is displeased with everybody is much
more unhappy than he with whom nobody is
pleased.
It is more dishonourable to distrust a friend
than to be deceived by him.
When our vices leave us, we flatter ourselves
that we have left them.
The ambitious deceive themselves when they
propose an end to their ambition; for that end,
when attained, becomes a means.
We never desire ardently
what we desire rationally.
The worst of life is that there is so little of it.
A little tailor can cover a multitude of sins.
An obedient wife commands her husband.
39
We are much nearer loving those who hate us,
than those who love us more than we like.
What is justice? To give every man his own.
Never buy what you do not want because it is
cheap.
Men willingly believe what they wish to be true.
Pleasures can undo a man at any time if
yielded to.
Neither great poverty nor great riches will hear
wisdom.
Conscience and wealth are not always
neighbours.
Who lives to fancy never can be rich.
Light empty minds are like bladders, blown up
with anything.
40
Some people are always grumbling. If they
don't go to heaven when they die they will make
things very uncomfortable for the devil.
A man who does not think for himself does not
think at all.
The world is full of willing people some
willing to work and the rest willing to let them.
One could live on next to nothing if one's
friends could live on less.
The man who is careful not to lose two things
his temper and his heart will find it
difficult to escape becoming a millionaire.
41
PROVERBS.
When the tale of bricks is
doubled, Moses comes.
Let every man sweep the snow from before
his own door, and not busy himself about
the frost upon his neighbour's tiles.
When rain wet your brudder, don' laff
same rain can wet you.
Jamaica,
TYPES OF DINERS
-vV"V\> "-
*««
SS»^-3
3. Lord Bob and the Belle. Frivolity Restaurant.
TYPES OF DINERS
LORD BOB AND THE BELLE AT THE FRIVOL- ':'
ITY RESTAURANT /
Every man about Town knows Lord Bob and
his little dinners. He comes of an ancient and
wealthy family, belongs to the right clubs, and
knows his way about. The Belle is also famous
in her way, and My Lord is thinking that the
Belle might be My Lady, if she wished and if
he wished. The waiter with the oyster sauce
knows there are other men about Town with
large estates, belonging to the right clubs, and
is not quite sure whether the Belle inclines to be
My Lady. He will witness and wait. He is a
man of experience, and as a sailor can judge of
the weather by a little puff of wind, or the colour
of the sky, so he knows what the Belle means by
the half disdainful manner in which she handles
her cutlet. For the Belle there are many
chances to be counted. In spite of what Lord
Bob might think, will the aristocratic mansion
provide for her the charm and liberty of a flat
in Charing Cross Road? Will she find the
County families like the boon companions be-
hind the scenes? In fact, will she any longer
be the Belle admired and sought by all, and, in
a certain manner, queen and ruler of them?
These and many other thoughts find place in
her mind between the chatter and the courses.
And so they dine, and will doubtless dine again
as they have often dined before.
43
It is better to wear out than to rust out.
Set not every one's watch by your own dial.
He that is perfectly idle will be perfectly weary.
Don't stop the plough to catch a mouse.
A fool always finds a greater fool to admire him.
A divided orange tastes just as good.
The stone that doesn't meet my foot won't
hurt me.
Mere wishes are bony fish.
Never grudge a penny for a jpenny's worth*
Take things as they come,
Eat crust as well as crumb.
J* <£
More belongs to riding than a pair of boots*
Money calls, but doesn't stay;
Being round it rolls away.
44
Give a duffer a finger and he'll take the
whole hand.
If you don't like crab apples don't plant
crab apple trees.
He hurts the absent who quarrels with a
drunken man.
-<iq0p>
It's easy to poke another man's fire.
He who follows the crowd has many
companions.
It's always dark just under a lamp.
46
.: *.. :'.. «\«;v
A gentle lie turneth away enquiry.
The pension is mightier than the sword.
Wild oats make a bad autumn crop.
A fee in the hand is worth two in the book.
If you can't paint, grind the colours.
He who is doing nothing is seldom without
helpers.
A grand cage does not make a bird sing.
White lies make a black mark on the soul.
In the land of the blind the one-eyed are kings
47
He who stumbles twice over one stone deserves
to break his shins.
It's easy to shout when everyone is shouting,
but who will shout by himself?
The chestnut is for the man who takes its
shell off.
Chop, and there will be chips.
48
Needles are not sharp at both ends.
Make good cheese if you make little.
Buy what you dinna want, and you will sell
what you canna spare.
Where honey is, there you will find bees.
He that stays in the valley will never get over
the hill.
Better some of a pudding than none of a pie.
Fish not with the golden hook, more may be
lost than gained.
Be not too hasty, the last cup of tea is the
strongest.
Men can't smoke and whistle same time.
West Indies.
49
Old Lady (who has just purchased parrot): "Good gracious, is
that what I have just bought?"
Shopman: " Yes, Madam."
Old Lady: "Then, if you don't mind, I think I will change it for
a bowl of gold-fish."
50
Never swap horses while crossing a stream.
He that is surety for a stranger shall be wiser
the next time.
As he brews, so shall he drink.
Bridle your tongue and you saddle your temper0
Our idle days are Satan's busy days.
No fishing like fishing in the sea.
All sun makes a desert.
One seldom meets a lonely lie.
51
r
Pelt all dogs that bark and you will need many
stones.
One lie needs seven lies to wait on it.
Nothing is unclean to a carrion crow.
Pedigree won't sell a lame horse.
One good yawner makes two.
Nuts are given us, but we must crack them
ourselves.
Old dogs are in no hurry to bark.
The sweetest nuts have hardest shells.
Honey is sweet, but bees sting.
Put your foot down where you mean to stand.
He who boasts of his ancestors is like a potato
the best part of him is underground.
Every man is his own ancestor. We inherit
ourselves, and make posterity.
God gave us our relatives. Thank God we can
choose our own friends.
52
That which touches vermilion is red.
Better one word in time than two afterwTards.
He who wants to dig will find a spade
somewhere.
Friendship with a fool is like the embrace of a
bear.
They are never cannie that dogs and bairns
dinna like.
De bes' pussan is made o' de smile and de tear.
Sunshine and rain is what make de cotton.
West Indies.
He that tells a secret is another's servant.
Inquire about your neighbour before you build,
and your companion before you travel.
Patience is bitter, but the fruit of it is sweet.
53
^.iV,
5 ft«^
0**2,
Everybody is a bore to somebody.
54
The five stage-coaches of life:
The Bassinette.
The Tandem.
The Motor.
The Bathchair.
The Hearse.
Society is divided into two classes those who
have more dinners than appetite, and those who
have more appetite than dinners.
HOW I LIVE
Living friendly, feeling friendly,
Acting fairly to all men;
Seeking to do that to others
They shall do to me again;
Hating no man, scorning no man,
Wronging none by word or deed,
But forbearing, soothing, serving,
Thus I live and this my creed.
55
AMENDED PROVERBS
The hand that signs the cheque book rules the
world." Amended Proverbs."
«3* %£*
The doors of opportunity are marked " push "
and " pull."
Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.
There's many a slip 'twist the toe and the heel.
If it were not for the fools in this world the
poor would never get rich.
The way of the transgressor is hard on his
family.
Most friendship wouldn't keep if you
embalmed it.
" Two's company; three's a crowd " must have
originated with Adam when the serpent came
on the scene. Somehow Eve didn't seem to
see it.
Two things you can find in the dark a carpet
tack and a Limburger cheese.
Uneasy lies the King when falls the Ace.
A fool and his money are soon spotted.
56
5 .;&$*<<&
PARALLEL PROVERBS
(English and Japanese).
| vG | |
| ;'i | |
| ff >^ | |
| *i .*' | >*j |
| %A | Rl |
■V'3
Too many cooks spoil the broth. fii£/?$
Too many boatmen will run the boat on to ^Y/*"^
a mountain. i!y?'S /*
Accidents will happen in the best regulated
families.
Even a monkey sometimes falls from a tree.
* There is no accounting for tastes.
Even a worm likes smartweed.
A fountain cannot rise higher than its source.
From the spawn of frogs there will be nothing
but frogs.
Out of evil good may come.
The lotus springs from the slime in the pond.
Avoid even the appearance of evil.
Do not stop to tie your sandal in the melon
patch of another.
57
V » \ * * »
The difficult thing is to get your foot in the
stirrup.
The loosest spoke in the wheel rattles most.
Some men go through a forest and see no
fir trees.
He that buys an old hack will have to buy
another horse.
Many beat the sack and mean to beat
the miller.
Never boil your rabbit till you've got him.
Great gaps may be filled with small stones.
Make your mark, but mind what the mark is
If you have a halter you will get a horse.
Many a pearl is still hidden in its oyster.
He who has, let him hold; he who wants, let
him pull.
58
TYPES OF TOASTERS
1.The Best Man.
HE WHO KNOWS LITTLE SOON TELLS IT.
Fable 1
A country Bumpkin once came to town, where
he met a fine Fellow who explained that he was
a Philanthropist who desired to benefit many.
He paid for one Drink for the countryman, and
then essayed to sell him golden Sovereigns at
one shilling apiece. But the country Fool said:
" I have no shillings: only a five pound note."
Whereupon the Philanthropist replied, " Ah!
but I can give you change." And the Fool
bought five of his Sovereigns. Then the Phi-
lanthropist had to catch a Train.
When the Countryman was alone he tried
to pay a bus fare with one of the Sovereigns
which he had bought. But the Conductor said:
" It is false," and would have called a Policeman,
had the Countryman not explained, when his
wrath was turned to mirth, and he made pre-
tence of plucking Hayseeds from the garments
of his simple fare.
And the Fool, when alone, sighed over the
wickedness of those who dwell in cities, saying:
" It might have gone hardly with me, for I
am a poor Man. But the Change he gave me
is good. If the Sovereigns are bad so was my
five pound note, so I do but gain."
59
VI.
And Sentiments
HERE'S TO THE MAIDEN
Here's to the maiden of bashful fifteen;
Here's to the widow of fifty;
Here's to the flaunting extravagant quean,
And here's to the housewife that's
thrifty!
Let the toast pass;
Drink to the lass;
I'll warrant she'll prove an excuse for
the glass.
Sheridan.
60
THE SOUL
The health of the soul is as precarious as
that of the body, for when we seem the
most secure from passions we are no less
in danger of their infection than we are of
falling ill when we appear to be in good
health.
Our enemies, in their judgment of us,
come nearer to truth than we do to
ourselves.
None deserve the character of being good
who have not spirit enough to be bad;
goodness, for the most part, is either in-
dolence or impotence.
Self-love is the greatest ^
\ of flatterers.
And do as adversaries do in law
Strive mightily, but eat and drink as friends,
Shakespeare
But not all who carry saws are joiners.
Measure three times before you cut once.
The devil always keeps his tools in good repair.
Let us struggle for life though we fear not to
die.
May fortune recover her eyesight, and be just
in the distribution of her favours.
62
TYPES OF TOASTERS
The Head of the Firm.
THE MAN WHO BOASTS THAT HE IS SELF-MADE RE-
LIEVES THE LORD OF A GREAT RESPONSIBILITY.
Fable 2
There was once a Lady who had three Lovers.
They were all handsome, and Wealthy, and the
Lady did not know which to choose. So she
determined to set them a task. The Task was a
difficult and a dangerous one.
The three Lovers set out joyfully and hope-
fully, each confident that the Lady wanted to
test his Love, while all the time she wanted to
exercise her Power and Caprice. But they met
and exchanged views, and came to the conclusion
that the Game was not worth the Candle. So
they all returned, and one being appointed
Spokesman, he addressed the Lady thus:
" We have all three loved you and spent our
weekly salary on you, taking you to the Play
and to Supper, and at times even so far as the
Crystal Palace, and now we find that 3^011 have
deceived us, and we intend to return to our
games at Billiards and our evenings with the
Boys, so good-bye."
And the Lady said, " Bother! "
63
Refinement without dissimulation or honesty
without rudeness.
May hope be the physician when calamity
is the disease.
A good horse, a warm house, a snug estate,
and a pretty wife, to everyone that deserves
them.
May we never find danger lurking on the
borders of security.
Drink to me only with thine eyes,
And I will pledge with mine;
Or leave a kiss but in the cup,
And I'll not look for wine. \
May friendship be the seed of kindness, and
passion the sun which ripens it into love.
A freehold in happy land, untaxed and
unmortgaged.
64
May the lover of harmony never be in want of
a note, and its enemies die in a common chord.
May we never desire what we cannot obtain.
The riotous enjoyment of a quiet conscience.
May we be roused, but not rendered desperate,
by calamity.
May we treat our friends with kindness and
our enemies with generosity.
May we be happy when alone and cheerful when
in company.
To the honest fellow that loves his recreation
at night and his business in the morning.
May we fly from the temptations which we
cannot resist.
May virtue be our armour wrhen wickedness is
our assailant.
66
< &!?:
Here's to matrimony the high sea for which
no compass has yet been invented!
Here's to the Bachelor, so lonely and gay,
For it's not his fault he was born that way.
And here's to the spinster, so lonely and good,
For it's not her fault she hath done what
she could.
Here's to those who love us,
And here's to those who don't,
A smile for those who are willing to,
And a tear for those who won't.
May our faults be written on the seashore,
and every good anchor prove a wave to wash
them out.
am
.*?£: Vi
m1
to
V~?
67
May we never condemn that in a brother which
we would pardon in ourselves.
Clean glasses and old corks.
More men would go to church if there were a
law against it.
' The Hidden Treasure.
May we always look forward to better things5
but never be discontented with the present.
May poverty always be a day's march behind
us.
68
Fable 3
" Darling," faltered the Fortune-hunter, " I
have seen jour father."
" And he consents to our engagement? " cried
the Girl.
" No, he doesn't. He positively refuses."
There was a long Pause.
Then the Lady threw herself into his arms.
" But I shall never give you up," she cried.
" We shall marry without his consent."
« But-------."
" We shall live in a Cottage. You know that
Money is nothing to you. You've told me so
often. And I hate it hate it because it tries
to keep us apart! But it shan't it shan't.
Don't say a Word! I don't care for all the
fathers in the world. I mean to marry you! "
And she wondered why he did not kiss her
as he used to do.
He had fainted.
69
To all who steer their course by the three lines
of Masonry.
Cheerfulness in our cups, content in our minds,
and competency in our pockets.
Uneasy looks the face that wears a frown.
May we never be drunk at night nor dry in
the morning.
May the thorns of life only serve to give
zest to its flowers.
Virtue for a guide, fortune for an attendant.
70
TYPES OF TOASTERS
3.The Major.
IT IS SAFER TO MIX DRINKS THAN RELIGIONS.
Everj^thing of fortune but her instability.
May we laugh in our cups and think when we
are sober.
The sweets of sensibility without the bitters.
May the desires of our hearts be virtuous, and
those desires gratified.
May Britain, like a camomile bed, rise higher
the more it is pressed.
May we never get into a bad cause, and never
fly from a good one.
May we always part with regret and meet again
with pleasure.
A hearty supper, and a soft bed, to the man
who fights the battles of his country.
May we draw upon content for the deficiencies
in fortune.
71
May young married men raise volunteers for
the service of their country, and old bachelors
only be pressed.
May our virtue be healthy without the physic
of calamity.
May we learn to be frugal before we are obliged
to be so.
May the feeling heart possess the fortune which
the miser abuses.
Home is where the mortgage is.
History is only a collection of crimes and
misfortunes.
Dignity and swelled head are kindred vices.
Here's to the press, the pulpit, and the petticoat,
the three ruling powers of the day. The first
spreads knowledge, the second spreads morals,
and the third spreads considerably.
People seldom want your advice when they ask
it; what they really desire is, that you should
agree with them upon the thing they wish.
72
A bad compromise beats a good lawsuit.
In writing a patent medicine advertisement, first .:;'
convince the reader that he has the disease he is
reading about, secondly that it is curable.
The best thing in the world is joy, but only the
sorrowful know it.
Knowledge consists in having a secretary to
delve the information.
To the honest fellow that stands upright in the
presence of a great man.
Here's to all of us !
For there's so much good in the wTorst of us
And so much bad in the best of us,
That it hardly behoves any of us,
To talk about the rest of us.
Here's to a long life, and a merry one,
A quick death, and a painless one,
A pretty girl, and a loving one,
A cold bottle, and another one!
73
Riches without pride or poverty without
meanness.
May we breakfast with Health, dine with
Friendship, crack a bottle with Mirth, and sup
with the goddess Contentment.
May we live as well as we can and die as we
ought.
The honest-hearted girl who owns that she has
passions, but has the prudence to
govern them.
May we always forget, when we forgive, an
injury.
Here's to you, old friend, may you live a
thousand years,
Just to sort of cheer things in this vale of
human tears;
And may I live a thousand too a thousand
less a day,
'Cause I wouldn't care to be on earth and hear
you'd passed away.
74
May the morning have no occasion to censure
the night spent by freemasons.
The three great generals in power general
peace, general plenty, and general satisfaction.
Long may every foe tremble and every friend
rejoice at the arrival of a British fleet.
May the boat of pleasure always be steered
by the pilot reason.
The unconquered navy of Great Britain; and
success to its champions.
May every worthy brother, who is willing to
work and labour through the day, be happy at
night, with his friend, his love, and a cheerful
home.
The sea-girt isle, for which a Wellesley braved
the field and a Nelson dared to die: may it
never yield to fraud or bend to tyranny.
75
^
I drink to the general joy o' the whole
table.
You will never miss water while the
champagne runs dry.
Fox-hunting, coaching, and the ladies.
God bless 'em.
Carlton Blyth*
MUSICIAN'S TOAST.
May a crotchet in the head never bar the
utterance of good notes.
SURGEON'S TOAST
The man that bleeds for his country.
76
IRISHMAN'S TOAST
Liberty all over the world, and everywhere
else.
&
May every patriot love his native country,
whether he was born in it or not.
Saint Patrick was a gentleman,
Who, through strategy and stealth,
Drove all the snakes from Ireland
Here's a bumper to his health.
But not too many bumpers,
Lest we lose ourselves, and then
Forget the good Saint Patrick,
And see the snakes again.
BAKER'S TOAST
May we never be done so much as to make
crusty.
WM
m
m
"* 'A': *
VII RECIPES
WHISKY COCKTAIL
Take half-a-pint tumbler half full of chipped
ice, two dashes of Angostura bitters, two dashes
of orange bitters, two dashes of Curacoa, one
wine glass Dewar's whisky. Stir well, strain off,
and squeeze a little lemon on top.
BRANDY COCKTAIL
Same as above, but add Brandy.
GIN COCKTAIL
Same as above, but add Gin.
CLUB COCKTAIL
Take half-a-pint tumbler half full of chipped
ice, add two dashes of bitters, two dashes of
orange bitters, two dashes of Curacoa, two-thirds
wine glass of sloe gin, one-third wine glass of
unsweetened gin. Strain off and serve in wine
glass.
MANHATTAN COCKTAIL
Take mixing tumbler and half fill with
chipped ice, add two dashes of Angostura bit-
ters, two dashes of orange bitters, one-third
Italian vermouth and two-thirds " Archer " Rye
wThisky. Stir well and strain into wTine glass.
78
MARTINE COCKTAIL
Take a mixing glass and half fill with
chipped ice, add one dash of Angostura bitters,
two dashes of orange bitters, one-third French
vermouth, and two thirds dry gin. Still well
and strain into wine glass.
CLUB SOUR WHISKY
Take shaker half full of chipped ice, and add
one teaspoonful of above mixture, juice of half
a lemon, one jigger of whisky. Shake and
strain off into claret glass. Fill with Rosbach
table water,
CLUB SOUS, GIN
Same as above, substituting gin for whisky.
CLUB SOUR BRANDY
Same as above, substituting brandy for gin.
CLUB SOUR FIZZ
Take shaker half full of chipped ice, add one
teaspoonful of the above mixture, juice of half
a lemon. Shake, strain off, and fill up glass
with champagne.
BRANDY SOUR
Same as above, but add Brandy.
GIN SOUR
Same as above, but add Gin.
79
WHISKY SOUR.
Take shaker half full of chipped ice, add one
teaspoonful of raspberry syrup, juice of a
lemon, half a wine glass of Dewar's whisky,
then shake well and strain off.
GIN SLING
Take tumbler half filled with chipped ice, add
juice of half a lemon, half a wine glass of gin,
and one teaspoonful of powdered sugar, fill with
water, shake up, and serve with straws.
ROCK AND RYE
Take a small tumbler, add juice of half a
lemon, one glass of " Archer " Rye whisky, one
teaspoonful of white syrup. Stir, and serve
with glass of ice water on side.
WHISKY FLIP
Take a tumbler half full of chipped ice, add
one fresh egg, one teaspoonful of powdered
sugar, and half a wine glass of whisky. Shake
well and strain off, then grate a little nutmeg
on top.
BRANDY FLIP
Same as above, but add Brandy.
PORT FLIP
Take shaker half full of chipped ice, add one
egg, one teaspoonful of powdered sugar, one
wine glass of port, one dash of brandy. Shake
well and strain into claret glass.
SHERRY FLIP
Same as Port Flip, substituting sherry for
port.
80
SCOTCH FIZZ
Take one very small piece of ice, add one
teaspoonful of powdered sugar, juice of a
lemon, half a wine glass of whisky. Fill up
with Rosbach and serve with straws. Use small
tumbler.
GIN FIZZ
Same as above, but add Gin.
BRANDY FIZZ
Same as above, but add Brandy.
SILVER FIZZ
Take shaker half full of chipped ice, add one
teaspoonful of powTdered sugar, one glass of gin,
white of one egg, juice of half a lemon. Shake
wTell. Strain into tumbler and fill with table
wrater.
GOLDEN FIZZ
Same as above, substituting yolk of egg for
white.
ROYAL FIZZ
Take shaker half full of chipped ice, add
juice of half a lemon, one teaspoonful of pow-
dered sugar, one glass of gin, one egg, white
and yolk. Shake well. Strain into tumbler and
fill writh table wTater.
81
MILK PUNCH
Take half-a-pint tumbler two-thirds full of
milk and ice, add one teaspoonful of powdered
sugar, half wine glass of whisky, and a dash
of rum. Shake well, strain off, and add a little
nutmeg. Serve with straws.
JOHN COLLINS
Take a small tumbler and add one very small
piece of ice, one teaspoonful of powdered sugar,
juice of a lemon, half a wine glass of gin, fill up
with Rosbach and serve with straws,
ROB ROY
Take a small tumbler half filled with chipped
ice, add three dashes of Angostura bitters, two
dashes of orange bitters, one-third wine glass of
Italian vermouth, and two-thirds of whisky.
Stir well, shake and squeeze in the juice of a
small lemon.
EGG NOGG
Take shaker half full of chipped ice, add one
fresh egg, one teaspoonful of powdered sugar,
a dash of rum, and half a wine glass of whisky.
Shake well, strain off, and grate a little nutmeg.
Serve with straws.
BRANDY MANHATTAN.
Take half-a-pint tumbler and half fill with
chipped ice, add three dashes of Angostura bit-
ters, two dashes of orange bitters, three dashes
of curacoa, one-third wine glass of Italian Ver-
mouth, two-thirds wine glass of brandy.
82
Take a piece of ice the size of a walnut, and
a small piece of rind of a lemon. Add whisky
and table water according to taste.
TOM BROWN
Take a wine glass, add one small lump of ice,
two dashes of Angostura bitters, one-third Ital-
ian vermouth, two-thirds gin.
POUSSE CAFE
Take a Liqueur glass, and add the following
liqueurs, taking care that they do not mix: one-
fifth strawberry syrup, one-fifth curacoa, one-
fifth creme de menthe, one-fifth yellow Char-
treuse, one-fifth brandy. Then set on fire and
serve.
SHERRY COBBLER
Take shaker half full of chipped ice, add one
teaspoonful of powdered sugar, one small dash
of lemon juice. Fill up with sherry and shake
wTell. Do not strain, but turn into tumbler.
Dash the top with claret, and serve with straws.
88
' The silly ass was holding forth on Tariff Reform in
the smoke room, and said he, 4 Take Whisky, for in-
stance ' when the crowd as one man howled, ' Don't
care if I do'; and the poor beggar had to give De-
war's all round.
84
fc
VIII UNDER THE CHESTNUT TREE
A young fellow, who had lived all his life in
the country, recently paid his first visit to a
race course. He mingled in the crowd about the
bookmakers. The excitement prevailing there
communicated itself to him. So he approached a
bookmaker and said " If I put a shilling on a
horse, and it wins, how much do I get? " " If
the horse starts at 50 to 1," the bookmaker an-
swered, " you get 51 shillings. If it starts at
20 to 1, you get 21 shillings. If it starts at
10 to 1, you get 11 shillings." The young
countryman still looked puzzled. " But," he
said, " suppose it starts at one o'clock? "
The Frenchman loves his native wine,
The German loves his beer,
The Englishman loves his 'alf-and-'alf
Because it brings good cheer,
The Irishman loves his " whisky straight"
Because it gives him dizziness;
The American has no choice at all,
So he drinks the whole darned business.
85
In a Scottish village lived what was known
as the " innocent " of the neighbourhood, that
was the village fool. People used to offer him
a silver sixpence and a copper penny, and the
fool would always choose the big coin of small
value. One day a stranger asked: 6i Do you
not know the difference in value that you always
take the penny ? " " Aye, fine, I ken the dif-
ference," replied the fool, " but if I took the
saxpence they wad never try me again."
GUARDING HIS DIGNITY
As a large ocean-going steamer was making
her way down the Clyde the officer in charge
found his passage blocked by a dirty-looking,
empty ballast barge, the only occupant of which
was a man sitting smoking a short pipe. Find-
ing that he did not make any effort to get out
of the way, the officer shouted to him in true
nautical fashion. Taking the pipe from his
mouth, the fellow rose and said:
" An' is it yerself that's the captain of that
£hip?"
" No," was the reply; u but I am the chief
officer."
" Then talk to your equals," said the Irish-
man ; " I am the captain of this."
86
TAKING HIS TIME
Some people are lazy in getting to work and
slow after they do get to it. Probably they
wrap themselves up in the same mantle of self-
complacency that the Irish labourer did when
the section foreman accused him of allowing his
pick to remain too long in the ground at each
successive stroke of the implement. " Sure, and
don't I be after letting it stay as long up in the
air to make up for it? "
SOMETHING NEW
" Anything new this morning? " said the
engine dispatcher, as he leaned his back against
the cylinder and steam chest for the purpose of
warming his vertebral column.
" Nothing," said the roundhouse foreman,
" except that fresh paint that you're leaning up
against."
EASILY DONE
It was in Troon, Scotland, last summer that
a Glasgow professor had gone two rounds with
one of his old pupils and wished to repeat the
experience next day. " Can you come and play
to-morrow, Robert? " he inquired. " Well, pro-
fessor," was the reply, " I was going to get
married to-morrow, but if you wish to play I
can put that off."
87
PROVED IT GENUINE
A man in a Dublin restaurant called a waiter
to him and said:
" Waiter, look here. Isn't this a cow's hair
in my butter? "
The waiter took up the butter, examined the
hair, and then replaced the plate before the
patron with a nod of satisfaction.
" Yes, sir," he said, " that's a genuine cow's
hair. We serve them with our butter, sir, to
show that it isn't oleo-margarine."
SPOILT A KEEN HEARING
A humane sportsman noticed that his game-
keeper attendant suffered from cold ears. So
the first opportunity he purchased a pair of ear
muffs and gave them to him.
Some months after they were out on the
moors again together and the sportsman noticed
that the gillie did not wear the ear muffs.
" What's the matter, Archie," he asked3
" that you don't wear your ear muffs ? "
" Weel, sir," replied the gillie, " ae day a
gentleman asked me to take a glass o' whisky
an' I didna hear him, so I have never worn the
muffs since then."
88
A company-promoter advertised for an office
boy. He received a hundred replies. Out of
the hundred he selected ten, and with the
writers of these ten replies he had a personal
interview. His final choice fell upon a bright
youth, to whom he said: " My boy, I like your
appearance and your manner very much. I
think you may do for the place. Did you bring
a character? " " No, Sir," replied the boy; " I
can go home and get it." " Very well; come
back to-morrow morning with it, and if it is
satisfactory I daresay I shall engage you."
Late that afternoon the financier was surprised
by the return of the candidate. " Well," he
said cheerily, " have you got your character? "
" No," answered the boy; " but I've got yours
an' I ain't coming! "
AVOIRDUPOIS
The length of this line indicates the ton of coal as dug by the miner.
This one indicates the ton shipped to the dealer.
The small dealer gets a ton like this.
This is the one you pay for.
This is what you get.
The residue is:
Cinders and
Ashes.
And this line will give you some conception of the size of the BILL.
89
If you can't drive the engine you can clear the
road.
FIXING IT UP
An automobilist who was touring through the
country saw, walking ahead of him, a wayworn
man, followed by a mangy (Jog. As the ma-
chine drew near them the dog started suddenly
to cross the road. He was hit by the car and
killed. The motorist stopped his machine and
approached the man.
" I'm very sorry, my man, that this has hap-
pened," he said. "Will 10/- settle it?"
" Oh! yes," said the man, " 10/- will suffice."
Pocketing the money as the car disappeared
in the distance, he looked down at the dead
animal. " I wonder whose dog it was? " he said.
90
IX THE ROAD TO SUCCESS
MAXIMS BY THE WAY
Know your business.
Begin as office-boy; make up your mind to
be principal; never give up that idea, and get
there.
Ileal education begins when you leave school.
The grammar-school boy and the University
student start upon the same floor in commerce.
The great advantage of a University edu-
cation is discounted when a young man enters
upon a mercantile career, unless he has acquired
the habit of working with method.
The world holds out the glad hand to
youth, tact, and common-sense.
91
Prosperity is produced by push, pluck, prin-
ciple, patience, prudence, and perseverance.
Think and act for yourself; influence, when
you get a footing, is of no account. Apply
yourself, and go one better than others. Dis-
cover how you can improve your employer's
business, and tell him with all the assurance you
can. Make yourself indispensable.
Opportunity wrill occur; when it does, seize
it and put it in your pocket. Don't spend all
your income. Economy in itself is an asset.
Begin to save something at first start. A bal-
ance at the bank will make you hold up your
head. Beware of a man who offers you more
than 5 per cent, interest.
It does not require a brilliant man to be a
good business man.
Apart from morality, straightforward trad-
ing pays.
A good name is a good passport; an indif-
ferent one is always looked upon with suspicion.
Keep a cheerful face to the world. Never
talk much about your own troubles, the only
result of that being to grieve your friends and
please your enemies.
92
Be constant in all things:
The constant drop of water wears away the
hardest stone,
The constant gnawing Towser masticates the
toughest bone;
The constant cooing lover carries off the blush-
ing maid,
And the constant advertiser is the one who gets
the trade.
Never write a letter which will cause irritation.
If you are in doubt about one you write, keep
it in your desk until the next morning, and
remember it may be read to a judge in court.
Commit yourself to a call, if you can, rather
than a letter.
Never decry an opponent in business. If you
cannot say anything to his credit, say nothing.
You never lose by being charitable or polite.
Never make an enemy; you cannot have too
many friends. Opinions expressed too freely
may get you into trouble in time.
Because a man may be a leader in your chapel,
don't give him any more credit than a man who
belongs to any other denomination.
93
Beware of the man who talks much of his
honesty. There are many who talk millions and
borrow half-crowns. Don't believe all you hear ;
depend upon your own resources. Never be
persuaded to give credit against your own judg-
ment, or enter into a shady transaction, or lend
your name as a director of a company you have
not thoroughly investigated.
Meet liabilities, however small, promptly, and
never make a promise you do not mean to fulfil
absolutely. Never miss an appointment.
An organiser is better than a hard worker;
pay others to do details. The man who wastes
time over small things has little time to look
after big things. Be generous in dealing ; never
argue over trivial matters.
Employ the best possible labour, and pay
well. A good man is cheap at a big price; a
poor man is dear at any price. Consider your
employees, and they will consider you, as far
as possible. Give them a share of profits. Pay
by results. Don't lose a good servant; good
labour commands good pay.
Educate your employees to your ideas. A
servant from an opposition house is seldom satis-
factory ; otherwise the opposition house would
not lose him.
94
Immediate profits are a secondary considera-
tion ; treat a customer so that he will come
again, and be permanently on your books.
Have only one price.
Sell on short credit and small profits, rather
than large profits and long credit. Give the
best value you can afford. Any amount of
advertising is no good except there is value.
Take your percentage, and let others get
theirs live and let live.
Give away as much money as you can afford
to lose; if you w7ish to lose a friend, give him a
loan. Never back a bill outside your own busi-
ness affairs.
Pay attention to small customers, and large
ones will look after themselves.
Learn to act on impulse, and don't waste time
in settling business matters. Condense corre-
spondence and concentrate thought. Stick to
one class of business only.
Never invest outside your ow7n business; what
you make in it you will probably lose outside.
The slowT plod is the only sure way.
95
Let the Stock Exchange, Monte Carlo, and
the Turf look after themselves; you look after
jour business. Don't buy a halfpenny evening
paper solely to see the last winner. " Money
makes the mare go," but horses make the
money go.
Success makes enemies. Pay no heed to crit-
icism ; forge ahead. Don't be sensitive; slander
means success, failure sympathy.
Do not be too independent with customers.
Remember always that he who imagines he can
do without the world makes a very great mistake,
but that he who imagines the world cannot do
without him is under a much greater deception.
If you have time for public business or poli-
tics, go in for them; if not, leave them alone.
Be polite to everybody, but especially your
banker.
«*
96
X ESSAYS IN LITTLE
ON SELF-DENIAL
The greatest mistake our teachers make is in
advocating the doctrine of self-denial. There
is no virtue in denying self. We achieve no
honour by withholding from ourselves what we
ardently wish. Why should we? All the virtue
is in the training of ourselves to desire only that
which we ought to desire. Our great men did
not practise self-denial. It was the fulfilment of
self for which they strove.
Pleasant Company is Always Accepted.
The man who stops smoking for a week in
order to give to the poor does not practise self-
denial. He merely exchanges one pleasure for
another. The pleasure of smoking fades in his
imagination before the pleasure of making oth-
ers happy. He is really quite a selfish man.
The only disinterested action a man ever does
is to die. And that is disinterested because the
man has no choice.
97
HOLIDAYS
" Life would be tolerable," said someone,
" were it not for its amusements." And summer
would be enjoyable were it not for its holidays.
Holidays may be defined as determinate spaces
of time fixed by those who control our actions to
take place at an inconvenient time, during which
we must absent ourselves from business, to the
confusion of our affairs and the detriment of
our health, and go with our household to a com-
fortless lodging by the sea.
Clever people have tried to find excuses for
holidays. But they have failed, for the holiday
institution is based on illogical, unreasonable
inconsistencies. People who desire to make
money never take holidays. They remain in
town and find out how people who are holiday-
making do things. We all go on holidays at
the same time, and the result is overcrowding
in the country. We all go at the same time of
the year, and so we always see the same aspect
of the country. We all spend too much money,
and the result is scrimping when we should have
most to spend.
The writer of this essay has strong objections
to people having holidays. The Fates have
decreed that he must stay in town next summer.
And he is annoyed very.
98
KS^t.
From the original painting by B. Caldcron, R.A.
Patience is a Necessary Ingredient of Genius.
99
7
V;
The only thing that keeps the cult of the
Simple Life from being popular is the question
of expense. Few people can afford to dispense
with luxuries.
The Simple Life is inseparable from associa-
tions of vegetarianism and Ruskin, the theatre
gallery and Bernard Shaw, ill-fitting clothes and
the hatless brigade. These things attract us
because they are denied to us. We eat beans
and we fall ill; we read Ruskin and we are
bored; we go to the gallery and we cannot see
the actors; we sit at the feet of Shaw and we
become fashionable; we wear seedy garments
and the broker's man arrives.
To live according to nature is to be unnatural.
Never in the course of the world's history did
the Simple Life prevail. Aspirations towards
luxury tempted Eve. And even Adam could
not refuse. It is in the nature of man to strive
after the unattainable. That is why there are
so many devotees of the Simple Life to-day.
100
ON CRITICISM
It isn't easy to criticise. On the contrary,
it is very difficult. Here are a few hints:
(a) Art criticism.
If you are called upon to pass an opinion
on a painting look at it steadily, then step
back suddenly and incline your head to one
side. Go forward again, slightly frowning,
From the original painting by Meissonier.
The Painter.
and examine an unimportant detail. If
the picture belongs to someone you wish to
impress, mutter, " I thought so. Oh! very
good. Yes, quite good." You will thus
get a reputation of being accustomed to
very good pictures indeed. But if it be-
longs to, say, a prospective father-in-law,
say delightedly, " The colour scheme is
101
most original! " The owner will take you
for a man of taste and discrimination.
(b) Literary criticism.
Never pass a favourable opinion on any-
thing written during the last fifty years.
All living authors are pot-boilers, without
style, or imagination. Sneer at all authors
who can command a large sale. What
people want to read can never be worth
reading.
(c) Music.
When you go to a concert do not mark
time with your feet or hands. Do not
whistle. Do not say that you like things
with a tune. Do not look as if you were
enjoying yourself. Musical critics never
behave like that. Rather curl yourself up
in your chair and appear to be fast asleep.
If you are compelled to pass an opinion,
say that there is too much brass and too
little wood, and that the strings are not
properly organized. After anyone has
sung in a drawing room, exclaim, " Thanks
so much," and look relieved.
(d) Babies.
Keep at a distance from the subject, sur-
veying it with an easy smile. Then turn to
the mother and murmur, " What a baby ! "
In that way you will avoid complications.
102
If You Don't Get the Best of Whisky It Will Get the Best
of You.
THE GOOD OLD DAYS
There is something pathetic about the way
many people who are no longer young dwell
lovingly on the good old days. It is so cun-
ningly deceitful, and full of harmless malice.
103
They know so well that the good old days were
very uncomfortable, inconvenient days, that liv-
ing was dearer and life was cheaper than it is
now. But they like to let their young friends
think that they have the memory of things
better far than anything in this generation, that
their life has been fuller and more complete than
lives can ever be again.
The desire to possess something, even the
memory of something, which others have not
belongs to the first order of things. It is a
savage instinct, and to it must be traced any-
thing of importance that takes place.
Men, realizing how commonplace they are, aim
at being unique. If they end in being eccentric
they believe they have found success. People
are too busy to differentiate between genius and
eccentricity.
We look back on the past wTith regret and
into the future with fear. We have lived with
the past and shared its joys and sorrows. That
is why we call it " the good old days." We
have not yet been introduced to the future. And
we are punctilious about the friendships we
make. We are afraid they may not turn out
well. But the future changes into the present
even with the thought. So why worry about it ?
104
ON FASHION
Even while Adam and Eve were in the Garden
of Eden the fashion changed. This is the more
remarkable because woman seldom considers man
in the question of fashion.
We do not study fashion in order to be like
fashionable people. We do so in order to show
our superiority to unfashionable people. It gives
us no pleasure to find that our clothes are built
in the same way as those of our smart friends.
But we are satisfied when we note the difference
between them and those of our relatives in the
suburbs.
Some people believe that to be in the fashion is
to lose respectability. Those are they who will
be wearing black silk when the rest of us are
awarded white raiment. Black silk may not in
itself be virtuous, but it gives that impression.
Big things never matter, but we are inex-
pressibly worried over trifles.
105
People who affect to despise fashion deceive
themselves. The only really unfashionable peo-
ple are those who have been certified as of un-
sound mind. It is as impossible to be completely
out of fashion as to be entirely in it. But the
latter is the safer to aim at. To be original is
to be commonplace.
The change of fashion is due to our inability
to care long for anything. We grow tired of
tailor-made gowns and go in for frills and
furbelows. The sight of double-breasted waist-
coats fills us with disgust, so we wTear them
single-breasted. These little details make up
life which it is quite unfashionable just now to
appear to enjoy.
106
After the original painting by H. IMorland.
The Fool Wonders, the Wise Man Asks.
OX THE SENSE OF HUMOUR
The sense of humour is the faculty for laugh-
ing at our own jokes. We grant it to those
who join in the laugh.
The Englishman believes that it takes a gim-
let to let a joke into the head of a Scot. He is
often right. English jokes are implied.
107
He who laughs longest lives longest. It is
the sense of humour that makes the world go
round. Life is too much of a tragedy to be
taken very seriously.
Have you ever noticed how seldom you have
a really hearty laugh? Most men are content
with a fleeting grin. " Laugh and the world
laughs with you."
They who look askance at him who laughs
loudly will leave him alone wThen the time of
weeping comes.
Between the loud laugh that speaks the va-
cant mind, and the cynical smile that points to
a faulty liver, there is little difference. Both
may denote a sense of humour, but the sense
lacks discrimination. The merriest man often
laughs with his eyes alone.
A woman sometimes laughs, not because she
is glad, but because she has good teeth. And
wTe often laugh because wre dare not cry.
Did the sense of humour prevail the millen-
nium would be here. We would take ourselves
less seriously and others more so.
108
ON LIFE
Most of the people who sing, " I wish I were
an angel," would be very much hurt and an-
noyed if their request for a pair of wings were
acted upon.
Those who have hard things to say about the
present existence will probably make worse re-
marks about the Next.
This life is just as full of woe as we imagine
it to be. And it is as happy as we make it. A
whole-hearted bad man is often to be preferred
to a half-hearted good man. Thoroughness in
good or evil must command at least attention.
Death is a misfortune that overtakes our
friends, and from which we often imagine we
are immune.
Life is what gives us the most trouble in the
world, and what we are very loth to give up.
A sense of humour would keep us from
pitying our fellows. We should pity ourselves
instead.
ON THE WORST OF GETTING THE BEST OF IT
There is room for strong suspicion that Mr.
Pickwick, on the morning after his triumph,
had a very bad head. That is the worst of
success. It usually gives us a bad head often
a swollen head.
When, after a long fight, a man attains the
end he has been striving for, his life suddenly
becomes empty and uninteresting. He has got
109
what he wants. What is he to do next? Usu-
ally, he looks about him for something else to
fix his desire upon. Invariably he hasn't far
to look.
This may go on for a long time. In the case
of a very successful man his energies lead him in
a hundred directions. Individual successes ap-
pear so trifling that he pays no attention to
them. He can point to no moment of success
and say, " That was the proudest moment of
my life."
That man is to be pitied. The man really to
be envied is he whose life has been a bundle
of failures. Nothing can compare with his joy
at the most moderate success. It is said that he
that expecteth little shall receive little. But he
that expected much shall receive nothing at all.
Is that net so?
MR. PICKWICK ADDRESSIXG THE MEMBERS OF THE PICKWICK CLUB.
" The Proudest foment of his Existence."
110