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63 Wir\e
.Over the Nuts & Wine
Vt"
ver tae
Nuts & Wir\e
hy James ClarenceHarwy
c*4uthot? of \x\j Bohemia-
Published by
H.M.CALDWELL CO. i B oston *=" NewYorjc
sOyer the iits &
yer the Nuts
& Wir\c£
Over the
Nuts
imM-l'J'gWK'l
A pretty rhyme, at proper time,
As everybody knows, Oft has more weight with shifting Fate,
Than yards and yards of prose. Before you judge and cry: " Oh,
Fudge!"
And set me down a sinner, Recall, I pray the things you say,
Before and after dinner.
.Over the J NutsS
Wir\e
n
KERNELS IN THE SHELL
and
BUBBLES IN THE BOTTLE
Dedication . . .
Apologia ....
Toasts ....
The Soul of the Toast .
A Toast to Banquets .
A Toast to the Ladies
A Drink Primer
To the Walnuts and Wine
To Whiskey .
To Cuckoo Clocks .
To the Flowing Bowl .
To Revelling .
To the Future
To the Thrifty Girl .
To the Seasons
To the Line .
Afterward
To Man's Choice .
To Plato ....
7
13 *5 17 18 20
3i
3«
33 34 35 36 37 39 40
41 4a
Over the
Nuts &
Wir\e
To the Past .
To Fair Play .
To Infatuation
To Woman's Needs
To the Future
To the Iceberg
To the Man Who Knows
To the Jealous Man
To the Moth and the Flame
To Insincerity.
To the Last Love
To the Power Behind the Throne
To First Love
In Vino Veritas
The Sweetest Words
To the Sober .
To an Air-Castle .
To Mind Reading .
To the Modeller .
To the Wings
To a Kiss
To the Cup .
To Intuition .
To the Lips That I Love
To the Old Bridegroom
To Man's Hold
Nothing Like Her
To Virtue and Sugar .
To the Naughty Girl .
10
Ov
'er the Nuts & WiiW
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To the Safety of Numbers . To Man's Wisdom |
PAGE 73 |
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74 |
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\ Before and After . . . I To Woman's
Mission . |
76 • • 77 \ 80 |
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81 |
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82 |
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To Her Mouth |
83 |
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To Woman's Method . |
84 |
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A Toast to the Reason |
85 |
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86 |
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To Man, Girl, Money, and Sin |
87 |
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88 |
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Toast to the Overdrawn . |
89 |
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A Toast to the Toot . |
90 |
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To Repentance |
91 |
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1 1 A Toast to All of Them |
92 |
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f H A Toast to a Neighbour . |
93 |
,[ A To Prayer Time . |
• 94 |
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1 To Reconsideration |
■ 95 |
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\ A Toast to Widows . |
96 |
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To the Glass and the Smile |
97 |
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To Regret .... |
. 98 |
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A Toast to Broadway . |
99 |
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To Duty's Call |
100 |
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To Silence .... |
, IOI |
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To Woman's Weakness |
. 102 |
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To an Invitation . / ii |
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^ ?<3^Pver *^e |
z* |
\ Q^k? Nuts |
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y, ^g-> #Wii |
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To a Newly-Married Couple |
104 |
To Man's Weakness |
1 °S |
To Indecision .... |
106 |
To the Future and the Present |
107 |
If I Love You |
108 |
To Time and Place |
no |
To Cocktails .... |
III |
To Man's Indifference . |
112 |
To a Good Fellow |
"3 |
To Woman's Needs |
114 |
The Crusty Old Bachelor's Toast |
115 |
To Woman's Losses . |
116 |
A Toast to Beer . |
117 |
To Woman's Devotion . |
118 |
To Widows' Weeds . |
119 |
A Colour Scheme . |
120 |
To a Little Patriot |
122 |
To the Baby Stare |
123 |
A Toast to an Outing . |
124 |
A Toast to the First . |
125 |
The Real Toast . |
126 |
A Toast to You . |
127 |
To Lasting Love . |
128 |
To the Quiet Man |
129 |
To Mathematics |
130 |
Pink Roses .... |
131 , |
To Opportunity • . |
■ 133 1 |
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„ Over the
J Nuts*
Wir\e
^"vvjver the,,
--^jNuts &
Wine
Over the
Nuts
& \Yiv\e'
Xi
TOASTS
The right thing at the right time is the soul of the toast.
A good toast, well spoken at the proper time, often means that
wide difference between a happy or a dismal dinner.
A toast, like a sonnet, should not be divided and subdivided into
oratorical heads, like the sermon of the old-fashioned minister.
It should be a coherent, cohesive pastel in prose or verse,
illuminating some one particular thought or line of thought, and
when that is complete— sit down.
Many a man has overturned an excellent reputation by not knowing
when to sit down.
Over the Nuts & Wir\£
To illustrate the idea: I could say much more about toasts, but I
stop here, giving you plenty of excuse for reading the next page.
The same experiment will be tried there.
16
A
Over the
Nutscg Wir\e
WttKHxr ?*i'
Over the Nuts ®. Wine
THE SOUL OF THE TOAST
It isn't so much what you say, Or the word — that is heard;
It's the spirit within and the way That the heart-strings are
stirred.
It isn't so much what you drink, Nor the how — nor the where;
It's the truth, in the things that you think, That is fair —that
is rare.
It isn't the drink, in the bowl, With its flow — cheers you so;
It's the radiant glow of the Soul Of the Toast —don't you know!
»7
Over the
JMuts &
Wii-\e
Too many women sell themselves for board and clothes, and then
have to fight for the clothes.
A TOAST TO BANQUETS Of Two or More
Here's to the banquet for twenty;
The colours, the lights, and the wine, With laces and flounces in
plenty —
And everything over at nine.
Here's to the quieter dinner
Of three pretty maids and three men,
Each one with a favourite sinner — And everything over at ten.
Here's to the quadruple party, With brief, little glimpses of
Heaven,
Two couples, responsive and hearty — And everything over at
'leven.
18
Over the J ut.s & Wir\g
N
Why didn't her chaperon warn her?
Here's to the dear tete-a-tete, One, little, red light, in the
corner,
And everything over — quite late.
££
Jt man Is young or old according to the age at which he sets his
wife to say Ing prayers and doing her own house' work.
»9
Over the Nuts
If a man resist a woman, she smiles and says: ** He wilt be
weaker tO'mor» row,'* Bat she roasts him between times*
A TOAST TO THE LADIES
At old King Arthur's table round,
each man, Between the bumper's flow and clink
of can, Rose to his feet, if such was in his
power, To add in some way, to the jovial
hour; Some song or toast or jest, as he was
able, Before he sought repose, beneath the
table.
How much more willing we should be to-night,
Where each one wears a halo of delight,
, Over the Jj Nuts®
Wir\e<
To voice appreciation of a spread
That would have turned King Arthur's royal head.
Had those old knights been entertained like this,
They would have sworn life held no greater bliss.
Could they have seen these frocks, these gowns, these dreams,
And realized that all is as it seems,
They would have drained their cups so long and deep,
They would require a century of sleep.
They would have flashed their knightly swords in air,
With valiant oaths to proudly do and dare.
We modern men who breast the social tide, i Ungirt by swords that
dangle at the \ side,
I May not be quite so brave as knights | of old,
Over the
Nuts &
But ask the ladies if we're not as
bold. But womankind, so all the sages say, Does love a little
danger on her way, And man for boldness may not be to
blame, If woman tells him: "Timid men are
tame!" We may not kill each other for a
glove, To deck our helmets for the girl we
love, As did those knights of good King
Arthur's time, Whose deeds of prowess come to us
in rhyme. We may not drain our cups, just as
they did, Until beneath the table they were
hid, But we do more; — keep sober, lest
we miss A kindly word, a smile, a good-night
kiss.
,Over the
Nuts
For women are to us, like fragrant flowers.
Your mouths are rosebuds, wet with springtime showers.
Your love-lit eyes reflect the sunbeams fair.
And oh! the wondrous bonnets that you wear!
Your voices, in delicious monotone,
Make music sweet, except by telephone;
Your frocks and gowns we rave about until
Some married man recounts the awful bill.
When pain and anguish wring the fevered brow,
To womankind, man certainly will bow,
Nor do I need to specially rehearse
That man bows low, when she is called, " Trained nurse."
But temper, gowns, and bonnets set aside,
23
Over the Nuts #Wir\eH
The man who drank the toast, "Here's to our amusements. Vice and
Religion,'* is in jail for misappropriate ing church funds.
A DRINK PRIMER After this it's your own fault.
A is for Alcohol, known as " The
King." Just give him a chance and he " won't
do a thing."
B is Budweiser, a fancy Dutch name, But the Alcohol stagger is
there, just the same.
C is for Cocktails. The wise drinker
stops And says: " You may serve me the
straight Knock-out Drops."
D is the Drinker who doesn't know when
2S
Over the Nuts &
Wirje
It's time to stop shouting: "Shay! Fill 'em again."
E is for Elephants, purple and green, Which, early "next
morning," are plain to be seen.
F is the Fun that you have, getting
gay-It is also the Fur-coated tongue of next day.
G is for Gin, the familiar old friend, So cheap it's the
healthiest drink, in the end.
H is for High-ball, a popular drink. Some say it is harmless, but
what do you think?
I is the Ink that is used for the Will Of those who are taking
the paces that kill.
26
£H
er the Nuts
S3 Wine
J23TV' !._'*'I
ggggggg£2^^
J is for Jersey, where Lightning is
made And ten cents a shock is the price
that is paid.
K is Kentucky, where kernels are
born And Colonels get corned from the
kernels of corn.
L is for Liquor, a general term. It is full of blue monkeys and
serpents that squirm.
M is the Mixed-drink, you take in
the Spring. The bartender puts in most any old
thing.
N is the Note, which is long overdue.
Quit drinking awhile and the holder won't sue.
27
Over the Nuts
& \Vii\e"
O is til* Opening, just three feet wide, Quiet and cosy, that
Drink will provide.
P is Policeman, a sociable male, Who carries you home when you
should go to jail.
Q is the Quality, rank and impure, Of the stuff that we drink,
but a horse can't endure.
R is for Rum, and whatever you've
had, Poor Rum gets the blame when you
go to the bad.
S is for Silly, the name that fits you, If, after a drink, you
are crazy for two.
T is for Temperance, Tremens, and
Thirst. You get the last two if you don't
have the first. 28
Over the NutsS Wine
U is your Uncle, and isn't it queer? If you drink up your watch,
he will keep it a year.
V is the Varnish for polishing throats, Accepted by men but
refused by the
goats.
W is Wine, which the openers say Is bully at night, but the
devil, next day.
X is the same as above, Xtra Dry, Less harmful, they say, but
that's all in your eye.
Y is the " Yes," with a wink and a nod, Which wins a few drinks
and some
grass-covered sod.
Z is the Zigzag, from clubhouse to
bed. It's also the Zoolak, you take for
your head.
29
'er the Nuts Wi
&
i
When a woman kisses another woman on both cheeks, took oat for
the sting In the middle.
«
TO THE WALNUTS AND WINE
Over the Walnuts and Wine, What mirth and what song and what
laughter! The place and the hour are divine, 'Tis enough. Let the
devil come after.
«
Marriage Is an express train. Mutual trust is the track. If
anything goes wrong with the track, look out for the splinters.
3°
Over the Nuts & Wi
4
The doctor's order for change of air often meant only change of
bed'tlme.
TO WHISKEY
Let those who will, praise fragrant
wine, That slowly brings on dizziness.
Good Whiskey, clear,
To me is dear, For two drinks does the business.
Who can explain that wonderful change that seems to take place In
a woman's character, when she turns her back and walks away from two
or three other women?
3«
Over the Nuts
When a woman flirts with you she Is hunting admiration, not love.
TO CUCKOO CLOCKS
Many a man has heart disease, Because of cuckoo clocks.
Four times an hour,
With noisy power, They thrill with shivering shocks.
You tell your love, in whispered words, Until a kiss is due; You
draw her near, When " Bang!" you hear:
" Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo!"
Man goes Into marriage like a child learning to walk on all
fours. Woman goes up the aisle on tiptoe. 32
Over the
Nuts Wir^e<
s&
Woman despises a coward when A« does not discover that a "Yes" Is
trembling on her lips.
TO THE FLOWING BOWL
Crown the bowl with song
flowers. Fill with song the flying hours. Flood the bowl with
sparkling wine, O'er its rim, let smiles divine Beautify — Wife —
Widow — Maid, Kiss them all. Be not afraid.
There are not many St. Anthonys among men, bat a lot of them love
to olay the part,
33
Over the. Nuts &lk
Wir\e
Knowledge is power. Jill men loom power, and widows know so much.
TO REVELLING
Water, Discretion, and Sleep, We may leave to the slaves and the
clods. Wine, Women, and Song we shall keep And rest on the knees of
the gods.
When a man falls in tove, it iss You Jtngell" and all other women
are idiots. When he falls out of love, it is: '' You She-devil 1"
and all other women become the angels. 34
Over the Nuts
& \ST\Y\d
Ji woman will often hang up a veil of tears to hide some very
important dis* closures.
yf
TO THE FUTURE
Here's to the Pavement of Hell, And the tiresome old teachers who
talk it. Observation has taught That we shall not be caught Entirely
alone, when we walk it.
When far, far away from the lips that we love, we mustn't make
love to the lips that are queer,
35
Over the Nuts
The shafts of wit will pierce armour to all things else
invulnerable.
THE THRIFTY GIRL
Here's to the maid who is thrifty, Who knows it is folly to
yearn,
And picks out a lover of fifty, Because he has money to burn.
Setf'Coneeit wilt drive away friends, but a tittle of It is tike
varnish which not only makes things shine but makes them | last
longer.
36
Over the
Nuts& Wi
When you see a chit of a girl flirting seriously, took around for
some old chap with long, white whisker*.
TO THE SEASONS
When lambkins frisk, upon the green,
I deem a drink divine, And love to quaff, with joyous laugh,
A cup of fragrant wine.
But, when the Summer's noonday heat
Invites the cooling shade, A julep sweet makes life complete,
By tapering fingers made.
And when the Autumn's falling leaves Have left the woodlands
drear,
Fond Memory weaves her golden sheaves, Then, give me whiskey
clear.
37
\0ver the Nuts &■
Wir\e
M Wir
Evil communication! conttruct bad mannerltmt.
TO THE LINE
Here's to the line that women draw, Who would not have a lover,
But how their eyes shine,
When up to that line, They step, for a little peek over.
Jt girl knows more than a young man up to about eighteen. After
that the loses ground rapidly.
39
Over the
Nuts
She who flirts and runs away. Will live to flirt another day.
AFTERWARD
Here's to the halo that crowned her head, When, at her feet, I
tarried. And here's to the hats she wears instead, Since she and I
were married.
The wise man patteth not new wine into old skins, bat the old
fool patteth old wine into his own skin,and thinks he is happy,
40
Over the
Nutsc: Wir\e
If all women looked exactly alike, we should have no lovers.
TO MAN'S CHOICE
Who cares for the woman of sense?
In all her moods and tenses, Men rise and make defence
For the glorious woman of senses.
The man with a reputation for being a heart'breaker stands a
great chance among women. Each one says .• "Pooh' pooh I Not I," and
gives him his oppor* , (unity.
41
Over the
HtS
\Yi17e
Nuts &
If you have wit, your welcome is a*» sared. The peerage of wit is
not filled by inheritance.
42
,Over the Nuts
& \Yir\e"
Wfii
Jt short answer turneth away graft.
»
TO THE PAST
Here's to the past,
Too happy to last, And the faults that we used to condone,
Ere women grew fly,
And set things awry, Keeping tabs, on the telephone.
H
We are bound to have a devil of a time anyway, we may as well
begin and have It over.
43
Over the Nuts & Wir\cT
There Isn't so much naked truth abroad in the world that we need
be afraid to tell it.
«
TO FAIR PLAY
Here's to the man whose vision Is clear enough to see, And who
says: " What is wrong For the rest of the throng Is certainly wrong
for me."
Some rise with the lark and are satis* fied. Some sing tike a
lark and areself' satisfied. Some like a continuous lark and are
never satisfied.
44
Over the
Nuts6£
Wine
The woman who hesitates Is—won,
TO INFATUATION
Here's to the love that flames and
flares, And then burns out and no one cares, For a time, at
least, it was light and
bright, And burned itself out, in a single
night.
So*.
Motions speak loader than words, but look out for the echo.
4S
|^\Over the Nuts &
Wir\e
Beware of the woman who resists you too cleverly — it means
experience.
TO WOMAN'S NEEDS
Man wants but little here below, Save wit, and wine, and love,
Some ready cash to make a show, Below and not above.
Dear woman wanteth naught below.
Her bathing suit's a love, But, at the opera, as we know,
She wants a lot — above.
K
It is not that a woman thinks more that she talks more. It Is
merely a coin stltutional trait to tell what she thinks.
vOver the Nuts H3 Wind
Some people devote their whole lives to digging up ambiguous
reptie* to fool auestlonti
47
(Over the Nuts
'Tls better to looe and run away than never to have loved at all.
TO THE ICEBERG
Here's to the girl who is torrid And sweet, till the man gets
horrid And pleads his hopeless case upon his knees. Here's to the
girl who is pleasing, In spite of tricks and teasing, But fere's to
the girl who knows just when to freeze.
Society puts her restricting finger on the bounding pulse of
complete freedom test the census'takers be overworked.
48
Over the
Nuts® Wir\e
m
The prettier a woman's stockings, the more trouble she has with
her skirts.
TO THE JEALOUS MAN
Here's to the jealous man, Who guards his love with his life,
Who knows that the devil
Is not on the level, When he finds an unoccupied wife.
Don't tell all you know every twenty minutes. The great trouble
with man' kind is that It talks too much, and womankind beats him a
tittle.
5°
,Over the
Nuts
& Wine'
The little women are the dangerous ones. The shorter she is, the
further we have to bow down to please her.
TO THE MOTH AND THE FLAME
Woman quenches passion's fires, Though her heart be yearning.
She has learned that vain desires Have a trick of burning.
Women, unlike men, are not apt to boast of good fortune. In time
of ill' fortune she hides in her breast her deepest sorrows, and is
again unlike
51
Over the Nuts
k\VV.
fou can't teach an old dog new tricks, but an old dog can teach
you patience while you're trying.
TO INSINCERITY
The devil smiles at those who love,
In careless, idle fashion; The recording angel, up above,
Turns down a leaf marked " Passion."
Marriage is a lottery in which you either draw first prixe or
lose every thing. There is no such thing as a con' isolation prize.
.. 52
Over the N uts& Wine
Over the,
Wir\e
TO THE POWER BEHIND THE THRONE
Knowledge is power,
So they say, in the schools, But in this day and hour,
'Tis the petticoat rules.
Pity it akin to love. Many a woman has married a man because she
was sorry for him when he tried to tell her how much he loved her
and couldn't.
Over the
Nuts
CD
It Is strange that in the first love, like the first smoke, you
don't get the fall meaning until afterward.
TO FIRST LOVE
" My First Love " is a woman's toast, " Chance willed that I
should mate you." And to the man she loves the most, She'll say:
"Oh! How I hate you!"
Only two parts for anticipation. Some* thing may happen. Only one
part for realisation. It flies so fast. But, three parts for
retrospection. You* ve got it.
55
Over the Nuts
It is only the very great soul that can be very sorry for a very
small mistake.
IN VINO VERITAS
"In vino Veritas!"
A warning grave to youth. We'll let the warning pass.
Drink deep. Let's have the truth.
ML
There it always a sanctuary in a man's heart where he hides his
tenderest memories until a tenderer memory comes along. Then the old
ones go into the regular stock.
5<5
Over the
Nuts6£
Fools took In where angola fear to peek.
THE SWEETEST WORDS
I asked the maiden, on her modest way; " What are the sweetest
words of tongue or pen?" She answered, in a downcast, blushing way;
" The sweetest words are: ' Love your fellow-men.'"
I asked the buoyant lover, in his youth; " What are the sweetest
words of tongue or pen?" He answered with the ring of perfect truth:
" The sweetest words are: ' Kiss me once again.'"
57
\Qver the Nuts &
Wirje
ite'
I asked the matron, happy in her home: " What are the sweetest
words of tongue or pen?" Her gaze, into the distance seemed to roam.
She answered: "They are these: ' It might have been.'"
I asked the poet, full of passion's fire: "What are the sweetest
words of tongue or pen?" With frenzy's wild, unquenchable desire, He
answered me: "Enclosed find check for ten."
Ji woman often Inspires a man to great and noble deeds and then
proves his greatest obstacle in their achievement,
.s8
.Over the
:&\ Nuts
& Wir^e'
Late hours and late suppers soon pro* dues the late Mr.
So>and-so.
TO THE SOBER
Let us sing a song of Drink, With a groan for the ever sober, For
the spirit grieves When they fall like leaves, Too early in October.
A man often wonders why a woman will not listen to reason. She Is
listen* Ing-to the other man's reasons.
59
Over the Nuts
Jfeoer watch your wife, but keep In sight, so that she can watch
you, and shm won't get into mischief.
TO AN AIR-CASTLE
Here's to my castle in Spain, 'Tis true it is only a bubble,
But, at least, though the bubble is vain, There isn't room in it
for trouble.
When a woman will humiliate a man she has claimed to loves he may
bid good-bye to all possibilities of reinstate' ment.
60
Over the
N uts6£ Wir\e
Don't think because you have natural ability and sprout like a
green bayttree that you don't need pruning now and then.
MIND READING
woman s
man could read thought, How easy his endeavour! ; To terms she
quickly can be brought, With simply: "Now, or never!"
Jt girl of sixteen appeals to my imag-tnation. Jt wife of twenty
appeals to my honour. Jit widow of thirty appeals to my senses. Jk
woman of thirtysix appeals to my reason, but all woman appeal.to my
eye.
61
Over the Nuts &
Wir\§
Woman's modesty ts a great mission* ary» Many a battle has been
won be* cause the man was not brave enough to turn out the light.
62
.Over the
Nuts
Fill up the cup and trust to luck. Good fortune ties ahead.
H
TO THE WINGS
Here's to the wings of Desire, That cross Opportunity's way,
Then Virtue decides to retire, And two have the Devil to pay.
\
There Is sometimes more tntoxieatlon Ih the words that pass a
woman's lips I han In the wine that passes our own, 63
Over the Nuts &Wir(e
^s
Over the
Nuts££ Wir\e*
The same little tricks of coquetry that caught you are the ones
that make men say to you t "{.ucky dog."
TO THE CUP
Who says there is death in the cup?
There is death when too frequent the filling. Let the moderate
man drink it up,
And be glad if he's in at the killing.
Many^a matrimonial barque has been wrecked on the shores of
Curiosity. She Just wondered if hubble was the best love-maker on
earth.
65
rer the
Nuts & Wii^e
k\
Venus, Minerva- Psyche, and the rest of them became great because
they never had to waste time asking: "Is my hat on straight?"
TO INTUITION
Man's reason is a wondrous thing,
To push along fruition. It's slow, so if you're hurrying,
Use woman's intuition.
A man figures out his friend's vices and virtues and credits him
or debits him with the result. Women are not mathematicians, so they
debit and let It go at that.
66
vOver the Nuts & Wi
Over the
Nuts fif Wine"
Don't be a very great saint, nor a very great sinner. Be a happy
mediant.
TO THE OLD BRIDEGROOM
Here's to the old man who marries, The problem of eighteen to
solve, And here's to the haunts where he tarries, When younger men
'round her revolve.
If a girl is traty modest, she finds It very hard to prove that
she is not bow* legged.
68.
Over the Nuts
s
Wir\e
^
Bacchus Is a forgetful guide. He set* dom leads you over the same
path twice* Eros has a better memory.
TO MAN'S HOLD
Here's to man's hold upon woman, And isn't it laughably funny,
Two-thirds of the race that is human, Will simply say: "Well!
Here's to Money!"
//your married life It stormy, you can tcud before It. It Is the
dead calm that prevents your getting ahead.
69
yjOver the
.Nuts &'
Wir\e
Soery man has a Heel of Achilles com cealed about hi* person
somewherl Some particularly stupid women requef* as much as twenty
minutes to find It.
70
,Over the Nuts
& Wine"
// men are roaring lions, going about the world, seeking whom
they may do vour that they may eat 'em up, why do the feminine
lambkins expose them' selves so continuously to danger? 71
Over the
Nuts &Wir\e
Over the
Nuts<S£ Wir\e,
The tears and sighs and mailings of married life are not always
signals of distress. They may only mean monot* any.
TO THE SAFETY OF NUMBERS
If a woman's lover but pleases many, His sweetheart smiles, not
caring a
penny, But let that lover please only one, And a barrel of
trouble is soon
begun.
The whole day is lost for a woman If she does not see the man she
loves, but, with a man, it Is only a pleasure post* poned when he
misses a day,
73
er the uts & Wine
No woman has the right to bring de* light into a man's life
merely for the sardonic pleasure of taking It away.
TO MAN'S WISDOM
Here's to the wisdom of man, A highly essential commodity, In the
feminine school Women call him a fool, While he smiles at their
jocular oddity.
Over the Nuts
When we watch the eternal unrest < f the mighty ocean, it is not
surprising tht t the hearts within us should have the hours and days
of restlessness,
74
Here's to Matrimony. Where would we have been without It?
IT DEPENDS
Here's to the mild flirtation,
That takes a serious turn, And the deep consideration,
When two hearts fondly yearn. Here's to the girl so charming,
Who yields as women must: 'Tis Fate and it isn't alarming,
If you're toasting the girl you trust.
,)
m
Familiarity (with Terrapin) breeds ontemptifor Codfish).
75
Over the Nuts
When a man side-steps, he usually forgets that his companion must
get back to the straight and narrow by a clr» cuitous course.
BEFORE AND AFTER
With buoyant step and joyous tread, With eyes alight and lifted
head,
He's going to see his girl. With laggard step and furrowed
brow, He's been to see his girl and now,
His dizzy senses whirl.
When Temptation rings the bell, me are very apt to put a muffler
on It that we may not hear the subsequent ring of Resistance.
76
Over the
Nutsdg Wir\e
I
*
'J
The mother brokers work harder to sell their daughters nowadays,
than the father brokers do to sell their stocks.
MLLE. ANNE
Oh! Her gowns are tailor-made,
When it blows, And of storm she's not afraid,
When it snows. She is piquant, chic, and witty, Has a large mouth
— that's a pity, But a retrousse, so pretty,
Little nose.
She is something to admire,
Heaven knows! And the pulse she sets on fire
Swiftly flows, For she sat and smiled sedately, When I strove to
woo her, lately, With her cheeks and lips so greatly . Like a rose.
77
Oyer the uits & Wir\e
ik..
At a dance, what deuced bores!
All her beaux! Who by twos and threes and fours,
Stand in rows, nd she sits there so demurely, With them all in
hand, securely. In another fortnight, surely,
I'll propose.
. . . BUT . . .
Could you see her though, at home,
You would stare, When she hasn't used a comb,
On her hair. You would start and say: "By
thunder! What a stupid, silly blunder! Why, she isn't such a
wonder,
I declare."
And the nose, so very cute,
Retrousse', Doesn't seem so well to suit
Me to-day.
Over the
Nuts & Wine
To the heart that truly loves, tempta* ttons are lakes.
TO WOMAN'S MISSION
If a man is bad, reform him. If a man is good, just warm him.
This seems to be a woman's work, in life. For woman, in this age, Is
poet, seer, and sage, She's anything that makes of her — a wife.
If you are Jealous of your wife, don't mention the man you
suspect. Mention the wrong man and watch her locate the right one,
80
Over the
Nuts Wir\e
Jt man Is very strong In his morals If he Is stlll'huntlng In
another direction.
TO HER HAIR
Here's to her hair that makes her
look A queen upon a throne.
Of royal birth,
And sterling worth; I hope it is her own.
You can often judge the breadth of a
woman's views on morality by the nar'
rawness of her foot,
8l
'er the ixts &~
Wir\e
X
The longer a widow's veil, the shorter her widowhood*
TO HER EYES
Here's to her eyes, those homes of
prayer. Ah! How they make me think!
I like them sad.
I like them glad. I love them when they wink.
If you have the key to a woman's heart, don't let it get rusty
front disuse or she will change the lock and place the key
elsewhere.
82
X)ver the
S Nuts
& Win
It's that first kiss. Fire at the end of a powder train will find
the other end.
TO HER MOUTH
Here's to her mouth, a rose-bud
sweet, Where honey-bees might settle.
The upper lip
Would never slip, But, oh! That lower petal!
Don't be a prude. If some women heard the Lord'sprayer in French,
they would say: " How shocking!"
«3
Over the
Nuts
& Wir\£
Never give a portrait unless you can give something of the
original with it.
TO WOMAN'S METHOD
The man who really cares a lot, Should never strive to please.
It's woman's way
To win each day, Her victims by degrees.
Reason, In woman. If it ever existed, is as extinct as the dodo
bird. Afever* thetess, she invariably arrives, on schedule time, by
another route,
84
Jj
Over the Nuts<S Wine
The marriage service should read: " (occasionally) LOVE, (attempt
to) UOJfOVR, and (apparently) OBEY."
REASON
Pon't marry for money, my boy, And miss all your bachelor fun.
Live single and revel in joy, Then marry because you have none.
Don't preach, unless you haoe the right to, and if you have the
right, be noble and don't do it.
tf^
Lots of people can answer back, but very few know how to reply.
TO PUGILISM
Fill up the cup and drink her down. Don't mind Misfortune's ugly
frown. We'll get a little groggy — but, We'll give Bad Luck an upper
cut.
Let a warm heart and a quick sympathy show in the gleam of your
eye and you will Jind more friends than you need.
86
,Over the
Nuts
& \Yiv\d
When a woman endeavours to conceal something, she Is probably
feeling for facts.
TO MAN, GIRL, MONEY, AND SIN
God made Man,
And Man made Money. God made a Girl,
And the Girl made Sin. The Girl took the Man,
And isn't it funny? The Money disappeared,
For she blew it all in.
Up to the last few centuries, there was a tendency to elaborate
Mother Eve's fig leaf. The opera and the seashore testify to a
retrograde movement.
87
Over the Nuts
There's no fooling like the old footing.
AN INVITATION
Come when the clock strikes seven
or eleven; There's a smile and a kiss and a
touch of Heaven. Come with a noise or quietly dumb; It doesn't
much matter, so long as
you come.
An Inactive piece of Iron will rust out tn no time. Many men make
a specialty of Inactivity.
88
Over the Nuts£2 Wir\e
Tell a boy to do what he think* best and he wilt go out in the
backward and ponder, but tell him to do as he please* and he will
light up and go and do It.
A TOAST TO THE TOOT
Here's to the auto, electric, Steam, naphtha, or gasoline. May we
hear every toot And have time to scoot From in front of the old
machine.
Some men get married before they are old enough to know better,
some marry when they are old enough to know better, but the man who
know* better I* a miserable man.
90.
.Over the
:&\ Nuts
& Wiiie*
Send your presents to your wife's dressing-room,bat don't bring
your presence there. You have your private office where you do your
best work. Her dressing-room Is her private office. 9»
Over the
How a lady's pet poodle must pity Her husband.
A TOAST TO ALL OF THEM
Or fat or thin, Or slim or trim,
If only truly human, I proudly boast A bumper toast,
To woman — lovely woman.
When a girl spends twenty minutes telling you how displeased she
Is with you, you are forgiven,
92
Over the NutsS Wir^e
Cultivate repose. It is cheaper than iced drink*.
TO PRAYER TIME
Pray for light when you make a blunder. In times of danger, pray.
Pray, when the clouds are rent asunder And vivid lightnings play.
Pray when the waves roll over and under, Tempting the deeds of Fate.
Pray when you marry and pray like thunder, Then is the danger great
Jt philosopher in petticoats has said that Platonic friendship is
possible only between a man and ..Is wife. Even that is so
apparently lacking sometimes, we wonder why they married.
94
Over the
Nuts & \Vir\e'
Men woo and sue for a woman's hand, forgetting that if they would
woo and sue for the heart the hand would come easily,
95
Over the Nuts
Here's a military toast i I drink to General Joy.
A TOAST TO WIDOWS
Here's to the widows, too dainty to
touch, And here's to their bonnets and ruches and such, And
here's to the shy Little twist of her eye; A toast to the widows!
They all know so much!
Many a woman Insist* upon keeping er hat on for fear It won't be
noticed if I
he
the take* It off.
96
Over the
NutsS
Wii\efer-
It Isn't what a woman does that gets her into troabie, bat what
she appears to do.
TO THE GLASS AND THE SMILE
Wars may come,
And nations pass, If woman will smile,
And there's wine in the glass.
A girl of sixteen ex'dtes love. A girl of twentysix (incites it,
and at thirty six she ln»vites it,
' 97
Over the
Nuts &
Wi r\e
JVo matter what you tell a woman. It does not affect her at much
at what the thinkx you mean.
TO REGRET
Woman says: "All men are bad." And then picks out the worst one.
Then all the rest of life she's mad, For letting go the first
one.
Woman* t love for man Is graven on a rock* Her respect for him Is
traced In sand, but her faith in him it written on water.
98
Q\
'er the Nuts & Wi
Don't blame good liquor, man who took too much.
Blame the
A TOAST TO BROADWAY
Here's a toast to the glittering, bright, white lane, Whoever is
sensible, sober, and sane, May wander away, But never to stay, When
the fever of Broadway is once in the brain.
-L
Lover" * Boundaries: On the west, by the setting sun, on the
east, by the rls' ing moon, on the north by the frigid Arctic
circle, and on the south, by an approaching thaw.
99
Over the Nuts & Wine'
Jt man says: " I love you," as soon as he feels a symptom, but a
woman waits until the fever has run its course and she has proved
her case.
TO DUTY'S CALL
Let Duty call — it must proclaim its
presence with a bell. We hear a woman's whisper from the
furthest shores of — Well! — The prettier the woman the better
we can hear, But Duty always finds us with our
hearing out of gear.
The fruit of the Tree of Knowledge Is twins, called Friendship
and Love. Friendship is sweet when it is green. Love is sweet when
it is dead ripe. Both decay unless you Jind them on the same stem.
100
Over the
Nutscc# Wir\e
Many men are truly womanly in their Inability to keep a secret.
«
:/>
TO SILENCE
To the man who gets and forgets. On his tongue he needs no
fetter, he
May win the prize,
In the ladies' eyes, Because of his good forgettery.
Oa
SWF
The painter must have sittings to re' produce the eyebrow of his
mistress, but when the poet has a sitting, he tear* \ up hi*
manuscript.
101
vOyer the uts &
Wirye
If women would refrain from saying the things they swear they
didn't intend to say, what a tame old world it would be.
TO WOMAN'S WEAKNESS
I told her that I loved her.
She, silent, bent her head. I asked her then to marry,
But never a word she said.
She blushed her acquiescence.
We took the holy vow. She found her voice, began to talk,
And she is talking now.
The average woman Is more than a match for a man. That is why men
pick out the pretty, weak women for life companions.
I02
Over the
Nuts
& Wir\e
/
«s
True love and deep passion turn self' sacrifice into a trifle.
TO AN INVITATION
Blow, and the world drinks with you.
Welch, and you drink alone. For the people of earth are looking
for mirth,
And kick at a minor tone. Shout, and a thousand answers,
In sound of your voice are found. Wink, and you'll think you have
asked to drink: —
A perpetual merry-go-round.
The fruit of the Tree of Knowledge has been maligned and ran down
for centuries, but It continues popular, a* will until the end of
time If a woman serves It.
103
Over the N tit s & Wi r\e
Here's to the promises, newly made, And may they never be brittle
ones.
Here's to the debt of Nature, paid, May the payments all be
little ones.
The little commands that mother gave, and at which we rebelled,
are heeded and obeyed, long after she has passed on into the eternal
future,
104
Over the Nuts® Wir\e
Man's virtue would get little exercise if it were not for the
weak women.
n
TO MAN'S WEAKNESS
"She is deeply, widely, broadly educated. She has a proud and
stately sort of look. Her fortune in six figures, large, is rated."
"I know," said Mr. Smith, "but can she cook?"
«
'Judge me honestly I" says the man, but If woman took him at hi*
word they would never speak again.
i°5
sOver the,,
Nuts &l-
Wir\e
If women spent as much time at their prayers as they do at their
toilets, it would depopulate the world*
TO INDECISION
There are twenty-four hours in the day. Each hour has of minutes,
threescore, And of seconds that fly fast away There are sixty,
sometimes it seems more.
If you tot it all up in your head And get the sum total, you'll
find
What a number of chances it gives To a woman for changing her
mind.
Is it any wonder that woman spends her time enhancing her own
beauty, since man admits her superiority in only that one
particular? ic6
,Over the
Nuts & Wh
Over the Nuts
However Interesting a woman may be In a thrilling romance, she
will close the covers to create material for another.
IF I LOVE YOU
If I love you, it is not strange,
For love is sweet. So dear thou art, love could range. Thou art
complete. In all that maketh woman fair, My love, thou art beyond
compare, It is not strange, Oh! Beauty rare, If I love you.
But, oh! My love, if you love me,
Then love is sweet. If, in your eyes, its sign I see,
Joy is complete.
108
not
Over the
Nuts6£ Wir\e
The tender gleam of love's bright
ray, Shall flood with light, your darkest
day, Without a cloud shall be your way, If you love me.
There are three occasions when a woman will certainly send for
the doc* tor — when she is bored, when she is scared, and when she
thinks he is good* looking.
109
Over the
Nuts &
Wir\e
When you disbelieve a woman she tells you the truth so cleverly
that it Is the biggest lie of all.
TO TIME AND PLACE
When woman leans toward argument,
Then may the saints defend her! It only means 'tis her intent
To make complete surrender.
The heart of the young girl is a rose* bud closed to the
mysteries of the world, but ready to love. It blossoms to maturity
and maternity, knowing all life's mysteries, and is eager for love,
bat, until the last petal has fallen, it is still a rose, fragrant
with the hopes and memories of love,
HO
.Over the Nuts & Wii
I
IVo one man can hold a hundred thousand dollars worth of
intoxicating liquor, but many seem to be making the effort.
ft
TO COCKTAILS
Never drink a cocktail!
Throw it in your face! He's a knowing fellow,
He will find his place. Those who sip their cocktails,
Little bit by bit, Change intoxication
To a drunken fit.
«
Ambition is a balloon, but Prudence Is the little parach?"*e that
lands us safely when the balloon carries us too high.
Ill
Over the Nuts
Wii\e
Man begs and pleads and supplicates for a better half, and then
spends the rest of his life thinking he got the worst of it.
TO A GOOD FELLOW
Be a good fellow. Toasts and stories tell. And let the rafters
ring as you get mellow. Be a good fellow. All will yet be well. What
if there is hereafter! Be a good fellow!
tVhen a woman frowns at you, be careful. When she smites, be on
your guard, but when she laughs at you, you're donejor.
"3
vOver the Nuts &
Wir\g
Men kill themselves for love, but women let love do the killing.
TO WOMAN'S NEEDS
Just show a woman you can fill Her thousand little needs.
For pretty things can pay the bill, And skip the " Noble Deeds."
And in a trice, you soon will find What womankind can do.
She'll do, to all your vices blind, Just twice as much for you.
Speak your thought of woman and forget It, for If you write' It
down, you will laugh at your own Inexperience be* fore the ink Is
dry.
114
.Over the Nuts
The end justifies the means. The only trouble is that the end
isn't always in this world, for the man.
THE CRUSTY OLD BACHELOR'S TOAST
Drink to me only with thine eyes? I'll take a little wine. The
eyes we prize Are full of lies, I'll none of that in mine.
When Fortune comes smiling and knocking at your door, be careful
that you are not at the bar, telling a few friends that you knew a
millionaire when he was poor.
Over the Nuts
Logic Is prose. Woman Is a poem. How can they assimilate?
TO WOMAN'S LOSSES
When sweethearts part, the woman weeps
And does the best she can. Her sacred memories she keeps,
But she doesn't miss the man.
Women don't have to lie. They can warp the truth to fit any
necessity. Il6
,. Over the
J NutsS Wme
The longer at the beer, the sooner on the bier.
A TOAST TO BEER
List to the toast I sing,
Or, more correctly, "holler,"
May we never feel queer
From the beer that is dear,
With its high, seductive collar.
There Is no woman sufficiently <ietf' poised to refrain from
scratching If she Is sufficiently vexed. 117
Over the.
Nuts &'
Wi
me
Ji woman is not always angry when you chide her. It proves to her
that you are not indifferent.
TO WOMAN'S DEVOTION
When woman loves a man, at first,
'Tis only deep emotion, But when she sees him at his worst,
It then becomes devotion.
Some women, tike butterflies, were born to flit. They commit a
crime against the community when they marry.
118
,Over the
Nuts
& Wh^e*
'.tT*:.- ■»» Jki^-NSy^W^J . J*P
Some people buy what they want. Some buy only what they need, but
many people haven't learned the dW* Jerence between what they want
and what they need.
119
Over the Nuts
Woman exchanges her beauty for man's admiration, her leisure
hoars for his support, and her looe for his dominat 'tlon.
A COLOUR SCHEME
What do I care if his hair is red!
What do I care for his purple tie! It's easy to call it an auburn
head
And it matches the chestnut-brown of his eye.
What do I care if his clothes are loud, And his spotless spats of
laundried duck! His magenta gloves will pass, in a crowd, His yellow
waistcoat may mean good luck.
120
„Over the J NutsS
Over the/f L Nuts fcA
Wir\e
& Wirier
The little women are the miniatures from the brash of the
Almighty.
TO THE BABY STARE
A widow may wear
The baby stare, It's a pretty thing and it goes.
Down deep in her heart,
She is playing a part, For she knows that you know that she
knows.
Women adapt themselves to ctrcum> stances with amazing rapidity.
Eve would have sung at her household duties In a fifth-floor flat
two Wf^eks after the apple episode. 123
Over the Nuts
rr
If Time flies, who leaves the footprints on the sands of Time ?
TOAST TO AN OUTING
Here's to the stay-at-home beauty, Whose husband discovered her,
pouting. He said to stay home was a duty, But they very soon had a
short (outing).
Those who act as though they had money to burn in this world
stand a good chance for the flames in the next,
124
Over the
Nuts Wi r\e
V
V
■■-</
fJe&
A*
Jt chain Is only a* strong as its weakest link, and many men are
experts in find' Ing the weakest link In a woman's chain.
A TOAST TO THE FIRST
Here's head first, in a foaming glass! Here's head first, to a
lively lass! Here's head first for a bit of kissing, For the good
don't know the fun they're missing!
Crafty men put their foot on educat tlon. Simple men admire It.
Theschslar sacrifices for It, and the wise man iets it.
1*5
yDver" the
Nuts &
Wir\e
Many a wife Is merely a hired, lady on u small salary.
THE REAL TOAST
Here's to the pretty woman, With whom I love to tarry.
But, being sane and human, Here's to the girl I marry.
The true gentleman will always pay a little tribute of brute
strength to a woman's modesty. Women hate weak men and they want
proofs. Jind then, too, it's such a comfort to say: "What could I
do?"
126
Over the Nuts
& Wirus
If the Intensely virtuous woman would show It less, she might
stand a chance.
TO LASTING LOVE
No wealth of wit or wisdom can I
bring. No song unsung, can I attempt to
sing. Leave that, my dear, to brighter men
than I, But I can love you till the day you
die.
Down through the ages, exclusloenesm has been the sanctifying
principle of choice.
128
.Over the Nuts
Woman can easily put on the brake of resistance to the train of
circumstance until you couple on the car of inclinat tlon.
TO THE QUIET MAN
It isn't the man with the handsome face,
Whose eyes with fervour glisten, That wins the matrimonial race,
It's the man who can sit and listen.
Marriage Is the advertised willingness of two people to exchange
suffering, endurance, and sacrifice for company lonshlp.
Over the Nuts #Wir\e
Many a worm of the dust In the form of a man sleeps late to avoid
being caught by the early bird.
TO MATHEMATICS
The clergyman's work was over and
done, And he proved that one and one
made one. Then the lawyer came and what did
he do, But prove that one from one left
two?
One must believe in signs. To pass under a ladder is surely
unlucky if It falls on you. And to break a mirror, very unlucky! You
have to buy a new one.
130
Over the
Nuts c: Wir\e
»
The difference between a woman'* "No" and her "Yes" Is something
leas than a millionth part of a second.
PINK ROSES
The white rose breathes of pure love, true.
The red rose tells of passion. The pink rose tangles up the two,
In most enticing fashion.
The pink rose, of a sudden, glows, With soft and subtle flushes,
But these the red rose never knows. The red rose never blushes.
The pink rose once was white, 'tis said,
Content as God had formed it, But almost wanted to be red,
When love's first kiss had warmed
131
Over the ixts & Wir^e
The higher a woman*s culture, the nearer she comes to making tove
the most subtle of the fine arts.
%%
TO OPPORTUNITY
If a woman is sure that a sweetheart is lost And the pains of her
heart-strings wrack her, You'll find her so busy at counting the
cost, That then is the time to attack her.
Did the serpent tempt Eve with the apple or did she wheedle it
oat of him ? And why didn't they crosstquestion Eve as they did Adam
?
132
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Nuts
&'
.-, (.•;'■. .**<".-, .?. '•.•>''■-&> > •
Over the Nuts
|