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MEMOIRS
of
FANNY HILL
MEMOIRS
of
Hill
by
JOHN CLELAND
\
new and genuine edition
from the original text (London, 1749)
PARIS
ISIDORE LISEUX
19, PASSAGE CHOISEUL
1888
THE NEW TORI
PUBLIC LIBRARY
817823 A
ASTOF, LENOX and
T1LDEN FOUNDATIONS
ft 1036
l
NOTICE OF CLELAND
ohn Clbland, the author of the
famous romance which we present
here in its original form, was born
in 1707; the biographers do not
indicate the place of his birth. He was the son
of Colonel Qeland, the original of
Will Honey-
comb, one of the members of the fictitious
Spectator Club of Steele and Addison. The dissi-
pation of his father left John Qeland without
fortune, but he had the advantage of a good
education, received at the Westminster School,
after leaving which he received an appoint-
ment in the public service, as consul at Smyrna.
vi
Later he occupied a post of some kind under
the Government of the Bombay Presidency, but,
in consequence of a quarrel with his chiefs, he
suddenly resigned and returned to England.
There, without employment, and having no
regular means of existence, he fell into a state
of penury bordering on misery; and among the
unhappy experiences forced upon Cleland by
want, it is said that he made practical acquaint-
ance with the warm side of the prison walls.
It was in these circumstances, they add, that
the Devil found him a ready prey, and that,
tempted by one of those Booksellers, c who
disgrace their profession », he wrote the celeb-
rated
Memoirs of Fanny Hill, and so sullied
his name with « a stigma that time will not
wash away ». Bat, with the leave of the squeam-
ish critic who takes the liberty to censure,
in this presumptuous fashion, a work displaying
proof of knowledge and keen observation, we
make- bold to say that
Fanny Hill is not a slip-
shod job, done to order in a hurry, but, on the
contrary, the production of a true literary artist,
a work conceived and executed
con. amort and
finished with all the care and talent of which
the author was capable. It is very likely indeed
— vii —
that Qeland sold his manuscript, but what is
more legitimate ?
Be that as it may, the story has it that Qeland
was summoned before the Privy Council for this
publication, and, pleading poverty as his excuse,
the President, Earl Granville, on condition of
his abstaining from such writings for the future,
generously had a pension of £ 100, a year,
bestowed on him. He enjoyed this pension till
his death, and faithfully observed the condi-
tions.
With the exception of two or three novels,
the best known of which is
The Memoirs of a
Coxcomb, and some pieces for the theatre, Qe-
land produced no other literary work of note.
He possessed a rich library of rare books, was
an excellent linguist, speaking the principal lang -
uages with fluency and ease, and he devoted
the latter part of his life to philological and poli-
tical writings. His conversation was particul-
arly entertaining and his society much courted
by a circle of choice friends, whom he charmed
with his rich humour and out of his inexhaust-
ible store of curious knowledge and witty anec-
dote. Remorse for his
Fanny, the capital sin
of his hot youth, lay lightly on his soul. He
— VUl —
died in quiet retirement in 1789, at the advanced
age of 82 years.
Students disagree about the date upon which
Fanny Hill
first saw the light. It is possible
that the first edition appeased in 1747 or 1748.
The old editions (like the rest, that of 1749,
which we reprint here, preserving the orthogra-
phy (1) of the period as nearly as possible) bear
the title of Memoirs of a Woman of pleasure,
London, printed by G. Fenton, in the Strand
(2 vols, in-12). In 1750, the bookseller Grif-
fiths, publisher of «
The Monthly Review *, issued
a very mild imitation of it under the title of
Memoirs of Fanny Hill, which he announced
with excessive praise in his Review. There is
every probability that it was he who printed the
original edition, and it is stated that the book
brought him a round sum of £ 10,000 in two
or three years, upon which he retired from
business. But it is rather difficult to believe this
statement, when one knows the small propor-
tions to which the sale of a clandestine work is
reduced, and it is impossible to suppose that
(1) This orthography is sometimes irregular; for
example:
indispensibU, indispensable; curtsy, curtsey, courtesy.
— ix —
(1) PSsanus Fraxi makes no mention of the edition
of 1749, which is used for the present reprint, contain-
ing 172 and 187 pages, including titles; it is illustrated
with engravings, some of which have no reference to
the subject. The edition of same year that he mentions
contains 228 and 250 pages, including titles.
(2) There exists now a complete and literal French
translation :
hUmoirts d$ Fanny Bitty par John CUkmd
(xvm« ufcXE),
tntiirment traamis de TAnglais pour la
Griffiths could have made such profit or his
expurgated edition, which he sold at three shil-
lings, bound in calf.
The bibliography of works of this kind,
often printed without date, antidated or counter-
feited, is always obscure and almost impossible
to establish. The bibliography of
Fanny Hill
exists, however, and as fully as one can wish,
in the last volume of Pisanus Fraxi,
Catena
librorum tacendorum, London, 1885, in-40 (1).
Besides the English editions, indications are
given in this publication of pretended French
translations : these (all of the last century) are
so abridged that they must be considered as
simple
analyses rather than translations, and
have no value whatever beyond that of the good
or bad engravings that accompany them (2).
— X —
premiere fois, par Isidore Liseux. Impriml d 16$ exemplaires
pour Isidore Liseux el ses amis. Paris,
1887, small 8vo.
As to the English editions of late years, the
only ones that can be obtained without great
trouble, but costing very dear (£ 3 to £. 4),
one cannot imagine any thing more detestable
and wretched. Without speaking of bad paper
and microscopic print, the text is incomplete and
curtailed in many places; moreover, .the whole
matter is impudently falsified, under the pretext
of modernising, thus completely disfiguring the
work.
The Memoirs of Fanny Hill deserve better
treatment : it is an agreable book that one
reads from end to end with genuine pleasure
and without fatigue. The story is simple, light
and well sustained; the characters, being taken
from nature, are neither artificial nor forced;
and the language is relatively chaste and free
from vulgarity. English literature does not
possess in this class any work more remark-
able, nor, in fact, more innocent, if one com-
pares it with the monstrosities of the Sadie
school with which recent publications are
— xi
steeped. Every thing in Fanny is human and
perfectly natural, a rare quality in erotic works,
and for which Qeland merits an honourable
place after Nicolas Chorier, the inimitable
author of the
Aloisia.
Paris, July, 1888.
\
}
MEMOIRS
OF
FANNY HILL
letter the first
i
1
MEMOIRS
OF
FANNY HILL
letter the first
SCadau,
sit down to give yon an undeniable
proof of my considering your desires
as indispensible orders. Ungracious then
as the task may be, I shall recall to
view those scandalous stages of my life, out of
which I emerged, at length, to the enjoyment of
every blessing in the power of love, health, and for-
tune to bestow; whilst yet in the flower of youth,
and not too late to employ the leisure afforded me
by great ease and affluence, to cultivate an under-
standing naturally not a despicable one, and which
had, even amidst the whirl of loose pleasures I had
been toss'd in, exerted more observation on the
characters and manners of the world than what is
common to those of my unhappy profession, who,
looking on all thought or reflection as their capital
enemy, keep it at as great a distance as they can,
or destroy it without mercy.
Hating, as I mortally do, all long unnecessary
prefaces, I shall give you good quarter in this, and
use no farther apology, than to prepare you for seeing
the loose part of my life, written with the same
liberty mat I led it.
Truth I stark naked truth, is the word; and I
will hot so much as take the pains to bestow the
strip of a gauze wrapper on it, but paint situations
such as they actually rose to me in nature, careless
of violating those laws of decency that were never
made for such unreserved intimacies as ours; and
you have too much sense, too much knowledge of
the originals, to snuff prudishly and out of cha-
racter at the pictures of them. The greatest
men, those of the first and most leading taste, will
not scruple adorning their private closets with nudi-
ties, though, in compliance with vulgar prejudices,
they may not think them decent decorations of the
stair-case or saloon.
This, and enough, premised, I go souse into my
personal history. My maiden name was Frances
Hill. I was born at a small village near Liverpool,
fn Lancashire, of parents extremely poor, and, I
piously believe, extremely honest.
My father, who had received a maim on his limbs,
that disabled him from following the more laborious
branches of country drudgery, got, by making of
nets, a scanty subsistence, which was not mnch
enlarged by my mother's keeping a little day-
school for the girls in her neighbourhood. They
had had several children; bat none lived to any age
except myself, who had received from nature a
constitution perfectly healthy.
My education, till past fourteen, was no better
than very vulgar: reading, or rather spelling, an
illegible scrawl, and a little ordinary plain work,
composed the whole system of it; and then all my
foundation in virtue was no other than a total
ignorance of vice, and the shy timidity general to
our sex, in the tender age of life, when objects
alarm or frighten more by their novelty than any
thing else. But then, this is a fear too often cured
*
at the expense of innocence, when Miss, by de-
grees, begins no longer to look on a man as a crea-
ture of prey that will eat her.
My poor mother had divided her time so entirely
between her scholars and her little domestic cares,
that ;he had spared very little to my instruction,
having, from her own innocence from all ill, no
hint or thought of guarding me against any.
I was now entering on my fifteenth year, when
the worst of ills befell me in the loss of my fond,
tender parents, who were both carried off by the
small-pox, within a few days of each other; my
father dying first, and thereby hastening the
— 6 —
death of my mother: so that I was now left an
unhappy friendless orphan (for my father's coming
to settle there was accidental, he being originally
a Kentish man). That cruel distemper which had
proved so fatal to them, had indeed seized me, bat
with such mild and favourable symptoms, that I was
presently out of danger, and, what then I did not
know the value of, was entirely unmarked. I skip over
here an account of the natural grief and affliction
which I felt on this melancholy occasion. A little
time, and the giddiness of that age, dissipated too
soon my reflections on that irreparable loss; but
nothing contributed more to reconcile me to it,
than the notions that were immediately put into my
head, of going to London, and looking out for a
service, in which I was promised all assistance and
advice from one
Esther Davis, a young woman that
had been down to see her friends, and who, after
the stay of a few days, was to return to her place.
As I had now nobody left alive in the village,
who had concern enough about what should be-
come of me, to start any objections to this scheme,
and the woman who took care of me after my
parents' death, rather encouraged me to pursue it,
I soon came to a resolution of making this launch
into the wide world, by repairing to London, in
order to seek my fortune, a phrase which, by the
bye, has ruined more adventurers of both sexes,
rom the country, than ever it made or advanced.
Nor did Esther Davis a little comfort and inspirit
me to venture with her, py piquing my childish
curiosity with the fine sights that were to be seen in
London : the Tombs, the Lions, the King, the
Royal Family, the fine Plays and Operas, and, in
short, all the diversions which fell within her sphere
of life to come at; the detail of all which perfectly
turned the little head of me.
Nor can I remember, without laughing, the in-
nocent admiration, not without a spice of envy,
with which we poor girls, whose church-going
cloaths did not rise above dowlas shifts and stuff
gowns, beheld Esthers's scoured sattin gowns, caps
bordered with an inch of lace, taudry ribbons, and
shoes belaced with silver: all which we imagined
grew in London, and entered for a great deal into
my determination of trying to come in for my share
of them.
The idea however of having the company of a
townswoman with her, was the trivial, and all the
motives that engaged Esther to take charge of me
during my journey to town, where she told me,
after her manner and style, « as how several maids
» out of the country had made themselves and all
» their kin for ever : that by preserving their
» vartub, some had taken so with their masters,
» that they had married them, and kept them
o coaches, and lived vastly grand and happy; and
» some, may-hap, came to be Dutchesses; luck
* was all, and why not I as well as another? »;
with other almanacs to this purpose, which set me
a tip-toe to begin this promising journey, and to
leave a place which, though my native one, con-
— 8 —
taincd no relations that I had reason to regret, and
was grown insupportable to me, from the change
of the tenderest usage into a cold air of charity,
with which I was entertained, even at the only '
friend's house that I had the least expectation of
care and protection from. She was, however, so
fust to me, as to manage the turning into money
the little matters that remained to me after the debts
and burial charges were allowed for, and, at my
departure, put my whole fortune into my hands;
which consisted of a very slender wardrobe, packed
up in a very portable box, and eight guineas with
seventeen shillings in silver, stowed in a spring-pouch,
which was a greater treasure than ever I had yet
seen together, and which I could not conceive
there was a possibility of running out; and indeed,
I was so entirely taken up with the joy of seeing
myself mistress of such an immense sum, that I
gave very little attention to a world of good advice
which was given me with it.
Places, then, being taken for Esther and me in
the Chester waggon, I pass over a very immaterial
scene of leave-taking, at which I dropped a few
tears betwixt grief and joy; and, for the same
reasons of insignificance, skip over all that hap-
pened to me on the road, such as the waggon-
er's looking liquorish on me, the schemes laid for
me by some of the passengers, which were defeated
by the vigilance of my guardian Esther; who, to do
her justice, took a motherly care of me, at the
same time that she tax'd me for her protection by
I
— 9 —
2
making me bear all travelling charges, which I
defrayed with the utmost chearfolness, and thought
myself much obliged to her into the bargain. She
took indeed great care that we were not over-rated,
or imposed on, as well as of managing as frugally
as possible : expensiveness was not her vice.
It was pretty late in a summer evening when we
reached the town, in our slow conveyance, though
drawn by six at length. As we passed through the
greatest streets that led to our inn, the noise of
the coaches, the hurry, the crowds of foot passen-
gers, in short, the new scenery of the shops and
houses, at once pleased and amazed me.
But guess at my mortification and sorprize when
we came to the inn, and our things were landed and
delivered to us, when my fellow traveller and pro-
tectress, Esther Davis, who had used me with the
utmost tenderness during the journey, and pre-
pared me by no preceeding signs for the stunning
blow I was to receive, when I say, my only depen-
dance and friend, in this strange place, all of a sud-
den assumed a strange and cool air towards me, as
if she dreaded my becoming a burden to her.
Instead, then, of proffering me the continuance
of her assistance and good offices, which I relied
upon, and never more wanted, she thought herself,
it seems, abundantly acquitted of her engagements
to me, by having brought me safe to my journey's
end, and seeing nothing in her procedure towards
me but what was natural and in order, began to
I embrace me by way of taking leave, whilst I was so
— 10 —
confounded, so struck, that I had not spirit or sense
enough so much as to mention my hopes or expec-
tations from her experience, and knowledge of the
place she had brought me to.
Whilst I stood thus stupid and mute, which she
doubtless attributed to nothing more than a con-
cern at parting, this idea procured me perhaps a
slight alleviation of it, in the following harangue :
« That now we were got safe to London, and that
» she was obliged to go to her place, she advised
» me by all means to get into one as soon as pos-
» sible; that I need not fear getting one; there were
» more places than parish-churches; that she ad-
» vised me to go to an intelligence office; that if she
» heard of any thing stirring, she would find me
» out and let me know; that, in the mean time, I
» should take a private lodging, and acquaint her
» where to send to me; that she wished me good
» luck, and hoped 1 should always have the grace
» to keep myself honest, and not bring a disgrace
» on my parentage. » With this, she took her
leave of me, and left me, as it were, on my own
hands, full as lightly as I had been put into hers.
Left thus alone, absolutely destitute and friend-
less, I began then to feel most bitterly the severity
of this separation, the scene of which had passed in
a little room in the inn; and no sooner was her back
turned, but the affliction I felt at my helpless
strange circumstances, burst out into a flood of
tears, which, infinitely relieved the oppression of
my heart; though I still remained stupified, and
— ii —
most perfectly perplexed how to dispose of myself.
One of the drawers coming in, added yet more
to my uncertainty, by asking me, in a short way, if
I called for anything? to which I replied innocently:
« No ». But I wished him to tell me where I
might get a lodging -for that night. He said he
would go and speak to his mistress, who accord-
ingly came, and told me drily, without entering
in the least into the distress she saw me in, that I
might have a bed for a shilling, and that, as she
supposed I had some friends in town (there I fetch-
ed a deep sigh in vain I), I might provide for
myself in the morning.
It is incredible what trifling consolations the
human mind will seize in its greatest afflictions.
The assurance of nothing more than a bed to lie on
that night, calmed my agonies; and being ashamed
to acquaint the mistress of the inn that I had no
friends to apply to in town, I proposed to myself to
proceed, the very next morning, to an intelligence-
office, to which I was furnished with written direc-
tions on the back of a ballad of Esther's giving me.
There I counted on getting information of any
place that such a country girl as I might be fit for,
and where I could get into any sort of being, before
my little stock should be consumed; and as to a
character, Esther had often repeated to me, that
I might depend on her managing me one; nor,
however affected I was at her leaving me thus, did
I entirely cease to rely on her, as I began to think,
good-naturedly, that her procedure was all in
12
coarse, and that it was only my ignorance in life
that had made me take it in the light I at first did.
Accordingly, the next morning I dressed myself
as dean and as neat as my rustic wardrobe would
permit me; and having left my box, with special
recommendation, to the landlady, I ventured out
by myself, and without any more difficulty than can
be supposed of a young country girl, barely fifteen,
and to whom every sign or shop was a gazing trap,
I got to the wish'dfor intelligence office.
It was kept by an elderly woman, who sat at the
receipt of custom, with a book before her in great
form and order, and several scrolls made out, of
directions for places.
I made up then to this important personage,
without lifting up my eyes or observing any of the
people round me, who were attending there on the
same errand as myself, and dropping her curtsies
nine deep, just made a shift to stammer out my
business to her.
Madam heard me out, with all the gravity and
brow of a petty minister of State, and seeing at one
glance over my figure, what I was, made me no
answer, but to ask me the preliminary shilling, on
receipt of which she told me places for women were
exceedingly scarce, especially as I seemed too
slight built for hard work; but that she would look
over her book, and see what was to be done for
me, desiring me to stay a little, till she had dis-
patched some other customers.
On this I drew back a little, most heartily mor-
tified at a declaration which carried with it a killing
uncertainty, that my circumstances could not well
endure.
Presently, assuming more courage, and seeking
some diversion from my uneasy thoughts, I ven-
tured to lift up my head a little, and rent my eyes
on a course round the room, where they met full
tilt with those of a lady (for such my extreme inno-
cence pronounced her) sitting in a corner of the
room, dressed in a velvet manteel (in the midst of
summer), with her bonnet off; squob-fat, red faced,
and at least fifty.
She looked as if she would devour me with her
eyes, staring at me from head to foot, without the
least regard to the confusion and blushes her eyeing
me so fixedly put me to, and which were to her, no
doubt, the strongest recommendation and marks of
my being fit for her purpose. After a little time, in
which my air, person and whole figure had under-
gone a strict examination, which I had, on my part,
tried to render favourable to me, by primming,
drawing up my neck, and setting my best looks,
she advanced and spoke to me with the greatest
demureness :
« Sweet heart, do you want a place ? »
« — Yes, and please you, » (with a curtsey down
to the ground).
Upon this she acquainted me she was actually
come to the office herself, to look out for a ser-
vant ; that she believed I might do, with a little of
her instructions; that she could take my very
— 14 ~
looks for a sufficient character; that London was a
very wicked, vile place; that she hoped I would be
tractable, and keep out of bad company; in short,
she said all to me that an old experienced practitioner
in town could think of, and which was much more
than was necessary to take in an artless unexpe-
rienced country maid, who was even afraid of becom-
ing a wanderer about the streets, and therefore
gladly jumped at the first offer of a shelter, espe-
cially from so grave and matron-like a lady, for
such my flattering fancy assured me this new mis-
tress of mine was; I being actually hired under the
nose of the good woman that kept the office, whose
shrewd smiles and shrugs I could not help observ-
ing, and innocently interpreted them as marks of
being pleased at my getting into place so soon :
but, as I afterwards came to know, these beldams
understood one another very well, and this was a
market where Mrs.
Brown, my mistress, frequently
attended, on the watch for any fresh goods that
might offer mere, for the use of her customers,
and her own profit.
Madam was, however, so well pleased with her
bargain, that fearing, I presume, lest better advice
or some accident might occasion my slipping
through her fingers, she would officiously take me
in a coach to my inn, where, calling herself for my
box, it was, I being present, delivered without the
least scruple or explanation as to where I was
going.
This being over, she bid the coachman drive
— 15 —
to a shop in St. Paul's Churchyard, where she
bought a pair of gloves, which she gave me, and
thence renewed her directions to the coachman to
drive to her house in.....street, who accordingly
landed us at the door, after I had been cheared up
and entertained by the way with the most plausible
flams, without one syllable from which I could
conclude anything but that I was, by the greatest
gook luck, fallen into the hands of the kindest mis-
tress, not to say friend, that the Tarsal world could
afford; and accordingly I entered her doors with
most complete confidence and exultation, promis-
ing myself that, as soon as I should be a little
settled, I would acquaint Esther Davis with my rare
good fortune.
You may be sure the good opinion of my place
was not lessened by the appearance of a very hand-
some back parlour, into which I was led and which
seemed to me magnificently furnished, who had!
never seen better rooms than the ordinary ones in
inns upon the road. There were two gilt pier-glasses,
and a buffet, in which a few pieces of plate, set out
to the most shew, dazzled, and altogether persuaded
me that I must be got into a very reputable family.
Here my mistress first began her part, with telling
me that I must have good spirits, and learn to be free
with her; that she had not taken me to be a com-
mon servant, to do domestic drudgery, but to be
a kind of companion to her; and that if I would be
a good girl, she would do more than twenty mo-
thers for me; to all which I answered only by th
16
profoundest tod the awkwardest curtsies, and a
few monosyllables, such as « yes 1 no 1 to be sure 1»
Presently my mistress touched the bell, and in
came a strapping maid-servant, who had let us in.
« Here,
Martha, » said Mrs, Brown. « I have just
» hired this young woman to look after my lin*
x en; so step up and shew her her chamber;
» and I charge yon to use her with as much
» respect as you would myself, for I have taken
» a prodigious liking to her, and I do not know
» what I shall do for her. »
Martha, who was an arch jade, and, being used
to this decoy, had her cue perfect, made me a kind
of half courtesy, and asked me to walk up with her;
and accordingly shewed me a neat room, two pair
of stairs backwards, in which there was a handsome
bed, where Manna told me I was to lie with a
young gentlewoman, a cousin of my mistress, who
she was sure would be vastly good to me. Then
she ran out into such. affected encomiums on her
good mistress! her sweet mistress! and how happy
I was to light upon her 1 and that I could not have
bespoke a better; with other the like gross stuff,
such as would itself have started suspicions in any
but such an unpractised simpleton, who was per-
fectly new to life, and who took every word she
said in the very sense she laid out for me to take it;
but she readily saw what a penetration she had to
deal with, and measured me very rightly in her
manner of whistling to me, so as to make me
pleased with my cage, and blind to the wires.
— 17 —
In the midst of these false explanations of the:
nature of my future service, we were rung for down
again, and I was reintroduced into the same parlour,
where there was a table laid with three covers -r and
my mistress had now got with her one of her
favourite girls, a notable manager of her house, and.
whose business it was to prepare and break such
young Fillies as I was to the mounting block; and
she was accordingly, in that view, allotted me for
a bed-fellow, and, to give her the more authority,
she had the title of cousin conferred on her by the
venerable president of this college.
Here I underwent a second survey, which ended
in the full approbation of Mrs.
Phoebe Ayres, the
name of my tuteress elect, to whose care and in-
struction I was affectionately recommended.
Dinner was now set on the table, and in pursuance
of treating me as a companion, Mrs. Brown, with a
tone to cut off all dispute, soon over-ruled my most
humble and most confused protestations against
sitting down with her Ladyship, which my very
short breeding just suggested to me could not be
right, or in the order of things.
At table, the conversation was chiefly kept up
by the two madams, and carried on in double
meaning expressions, interrupted every now and
then by kind assurances to me, all tending to con-
firm and fix my satisfaction with my present con-
dition : augment it they could not, so very a
novice was I then.
It was here agreed that I should keep myself up
— 18 —
and out of sight for a few days, till such cloaths
could be procured for me as were fit for the cha-
racter I was to appear in, of my mistress's compa-
nion, observing withal, that on the first impres-
sions of my figure much might depend; and, as
they rightly judged, the prospect of exchanging my
country cloaths for London finery, made the clause
of confinement digest perfectly well with me. But
the truth was, Mrs. Brown did not care that I should
be seen or talked to by any, either of her custo-
mers, or her Does (as they called the girls provided
for them), till she had secured a good market for
my maidenhead, which I had at least all the appear-
ances of having brought into her Ladyship's
service.
To slip over minutes of no importance to the
main of my story, I pass the interval to bed time,
in which I was more and more pleased with
the views that opened to me, of an easy service
under these good people; and after supper, being
shewed up to bed, Miss Phoebe, who observed a
kind of reluctance in me to strip and go to bed, in
my shift, before her, now the maid was with-
drawn, came up to me, and beginning with unpin-
ning my handkerchief and gown, soon encouraged
me to go on with undressing myself; and, still
blushing at now seeing myself naked to my shift,
I hurried to get under the bed-cloaths out of sight.
Phoebe laugh'd, and was not long before she pla-
ced herself by my side. She was about five and
twenty, by her most suspicious account, in which,
— 19 —
according to all appearances, she mnst have sunk
at least ten good years : allowance, too, being
made for the havoc which a long course of
hackneyship and hot waters must have made of
her constitution, and which had already brought
on, upon the spur, that stale stage in which those
of her profession are reduced to think of showing
company, instead of seeing it.
No sooner then was this precious substitute of
my mistress lain down, but she, who was never
out of her way when any occasion of lewdness
presented itself, turned to me, embraced and kiss'd
me with great eagerness. This was new, this was
odd; but imputing it to nothing but pure kindness,
which, for ought I knew, it might be the London
way to express in that manner, I was determined
not to be behind-hand with her, and returned her
the kiss and embrace, with all the fervour that per*
feet innocence knew.
Encouraged by this, her hands became extremely
free, and wandered over my whole body, with tou-
ches, squeezes, pressures, that rather warmed and
surprised me with their novelty, than they either
shocked or alarmed me.
The flattering praises she mtermingled with
these invasions, contributed also not a little to
bribe my passiveness; and, knowing no ill, I fearM
none, especially from one who had prevented all
doubts of her womanhood, by conducting my
hands to a pair of breasts that hung loosely down,
in a size and volume that full sufficiently distin-
— 20 —
*
guished her sex, to me at least, who had never
made any other comparison.
I lay then all tame and passive as she could wish,
whilst her freedom raised no other emotion but
those of a strange, and, till then, unfelt pleasure.
Every part of me was open and exposed to the
licentious courses of her hands, which, like a lam-
bent fire, ran over my whole body, and thawed
all coldness as they went.
~ My breasts, if it is not too bold a figure to call
so, two hard, firm, rising hillocks, that just began
to shew themselves, or signify anything to the
touch, employed and amused her hands a while,
till, slipping down lower, over a smooth track,
she could just feel the soft silky down, that had but a
few months before put forth and garnished the mount-
pleasant of those parts, and promised to spread a
grateful shelter over the sweet seat of the most
exquisite sensation, and which had been, till that
instant, the seat of the most insensible innocence.
Her fingers played and strove to twine in the young
tendrils of that moss, which nature has contrived at
once for use and ornament.
But, not contented with these outer posts, she
now attempts the main spot, and began to twitch,
to insinuate, and at length to force an introduction
of a finger into the quick itself, in such a manner,
that had she not proceeded by insensible grada-
tions, that inflamed me beyond the power of mo-
desty to oppose its resistance to their progress,
— 21 —
I should have jumped out of bed and cried for
help against such strange assaults.
Instead of which, her lascivious touches had
lighted up a new fire that wantoned through all my
veins, but fixed with violence in that center ap-
pointed them by nature, where the first strange
hands were now busied in feeling, squeezing, com-
pressing the lips, then opening them again, with a
finger between, all an o Oh! » expressed her
hurting me, where the narrowness of the un-
broken passage refused it entrance to any depth.
In the meantime, the extension of my limbs,
languid stretching, sighs, short hearings, all con-
spired to assure that experienced wanton, that 1
was more pleased than offended at her proceedings,
which she seasoned with repeated kisses and excla-
mations, such as « Oh 1 what a charming creature.
» thou art I... What a happy man will he be that
* first makes a woman of you!... Oh! that I were a
» man for your sake I... » with the like broken ex-
pressions, interrupted by kisses as fierce and sala-
cious as ever I received from the other sex.
For my part, I was transported, confused, and
out of myself; feelings so new were too much
for me. My heated and alarmed senses were in a
tumult that robbed me of all liberty of thought;
tears of pleasure gushed from my eyes, and some-
what assuaged the fire that raged all oyer me. . .
Phoebe herself, the hackney'd, thorough-bred
Phoebe, to whom all modes and devices of pleasure
were known and familiar, found, it seems, in this
— 22 —
exercise bf her art to break young girls, the grati-
fication of one of those arbitrary tastes, for which
there is no accounting. Not that she hated men, or
did not even prefer them to her own sex; but when
she met with such occasions as this was, a satiety
of enjoyments in the common road, perhaps, too,
a great secret biass, inclined her to make the most
of pleasure, wherever she could find it, without dis-
tinction of sexes. In this view, now well assured that
she had, by her touches, sufficiently inflamed me for
her purpose, she rolled down the bed cloaths gently,
and I saw myself stretched naked, my shift being tur-
ned up to my neck, whilst I had no power or sense
to oppose it. Even my glowing blushes expressed
more desire than modesty, whilst the candle, left (to
be sure not undesignedly) burning, threw a full
light on my whole body.
« No! » says Phoebe, « yon must not, my sweet
» girl, think to hide all these treasures from me.
» My sight must be feasted as well as my touch...
» I must devour with my eyes this springing
» bosom... Suffer me to kiss it... I have not
» seen it enough... Let me kiss it once more...
» What firm, smooth, white flesh is here!... How
» delicately shaped!... Then this delicious down 1
» Oh ( let me view the small, dear, tender cleft 1...
» This is too much, I cannot bear itl... I
» must... I must... » Here she took my hand,
and in a transport carried it where you will easily
guess. But what a difference in the state of the same
thing 1... A spreading thicket of bushy curls
marked the full grown, complete woman. Then
the cavity to which she guided my hand easily re-
ceived it; and as soon as she felt it within her, she
moved herself to and fro, with so rapid a friction,
that I presently withdrew it, wet and clammy,
when instantly Phoebe grew more composed, after
two or three sighs, and heart-fetch'd Oh's! and gi-
ving me a kiss that seemed to exhale her soul through
her lips, she replaced the bed-doaths over. us:
What pleasure she had found I will not say; but
this I know, that the first sparks of kindling na-
ture, the first ideas of pollution, were caught by
me that night; and mat the acquaintance and
communication with the bad of our sex, is often
as fatal to innocence as all the seductions of the
other. But to go on. When Phoebe was restored to
that calm, which I was far from the enjoyment of
myself, she artfully sounded me on all the points
necessary to govern the designs of my virtuous
mistress on me, and by my answers, drawn from
pure undissembled nature, she had no reason but
to promise herself all imaginable success, so far
as it depended on my ignorance, easiness, and
warmth of constitution.
After a sufficient length of dialogue, my bed-
fellow left me to my rest, and I fell asleep, through
pure weariness, from the violent emotions I had
been led into, when nature (which had been too
warmly stirred and fermented to subside without
allaying by some means or other) relieved me by
one of those luscious dreams, the transports of
which are scarce inferior to those of waking real
action.
In the morning I awoke about ten, perfectly gay
and refreshed; Phoebe was up before me, and
asked me in the kindest manner how I did, how
I had rested, and if I was ready for breakfast ? care*
fully, at the same time, avoiding to encrease the
confusion she saw I was in, at looking her in the
face, by any hint of the night's bed scene. I told her
if she pleased I would get up, and begin any work
she would be pleased to set me about. She smiled;
presently the maid brought in the tea equipage,
and I just huddled my cloaths on, when in waddled
my mistress. I expected no less than to be told of,
if not chid for, my late rising, when I was most
agreeably disappointed by her compliments on
my pure and fresh looks. I was « a bud of beauty »
(this was her style),« and how vastly all the fine men
would admire me 1» to all which my answers did
not, I can assure you, wrong my breeding; they
were as simple and silly as they could wish, and. no
doubt, flattered them infinitely more than had
they proved me enlightened by education and a
knowledge of the world.
We breakfasted, and the tea things were scarce
removed, when in were brought two bundles of
linen and wearing apparel: in short, all the neces-
saries for rigging me out, as they termed it, com-
pletely.
Imagine to yourself, Madam, how my little co-
quet heart fluttered with joy at the sight of a white
lutestring, flowered with silver, scoured indeed,
but passed on me for spick and span new, a Brus-
sels lace cap, braided shoes, and the rest in pro-
portion, all second hand finery, and procured
instantly for the occasion, by the diligence
and industry of the good Mrs. Brown, who had
already a chapman for me in the house, before
whom my charms were to pass in review; for he
had not only, in course, insisted on a previous
sight of the premises, but also on immediate
snrrending to him, in case of his agreeing for
me; concluding very wisely, that such a place
as I was in, was of the hottest to trust the keeping
of snch a perishable commodity in, as a maiden
head.
The care of dressing, and tricking me out for
the market, was then left to Phoebe, who acquitted
herself, if not well, at least perfectly to the satis-
faction of every thing but my impatience of seeing
myself dressed. When it was over, and I viewed
myself in the glass, I was no doubt, too natural,
too artless, to hide my childish joy at the change:
a change, in the real truth, for much the worse,
since I must have much better become the neat
easy simplicity of my rustic dress, than the awk-
ward, untoward, tawdry finery, that I could not
conceal my strangeness to.
Phoebe's compliments, however, in which her
own share in dressing me was not forgot, did not
a little confirm me in the now first notions I had
ever entertained concerning my person; which, be
4
— 26 —
it said without vanity, was then tolerable to justify
a taste for me, and of which it may not be out of
place here to sketch you an unflattered picture.
I was tall, yet not too tall of my age, which, as I
before remarked, was barely turned of fifteen; my
shape perfectly straight, thin waisted, and light
and free, without owing any thing to stays; my
hair was a glossy auburne, and as soft as silk,
flowing down my neck in natural buckles, and did
not a little set off the whiteness of a smooth skin ;
my face was rather too ruddy, though its features
were delicate, and the shape was a roundish oval,
except where a pit on my chin had far from a dis-
agreeable effect; my eyes were as black as can
be imagined, and rather languishing than sparkling,
except on certain occasions, when I have been
told they struck fire fast enough ; my teeth, which
I ever carefully preserved, tore small, even and
white; my bosom was finely raised, and one might
then discern rather the promise, than the actual
growth, of the round, firm breast, that in a little
time made that promise good. In short, all the
points of beauty that are most universally in re-
quest, I had, or at least my vanity forbid* me to
appeal from the decision of our sovereign judges
the men, who all, that I ever knew at least, gave
it thus highly in my favour; and I met with, even
in my own sex, some that were above denying me
that justice, whilst others praised me yet more
unsuspectedly, by endeavouring to detract from
me, in points of person and figure that I obviously
— 27 —
excelled in. This is, I own, too much, too strong
of self-praise; but I should be ungrateful to nature,
and to a form to which I owe such singular bles-
sings of pleasure and fortune, were I to suppress,
through an affectation of modesty, the mention of
such valuable gifts.
Well then, dress'd I was, and little did it then
enter into my head that all this gay attire was no
more than decking the victim out for sacrifice,
whilst I innocently attributed all to mere friendship
and kindness in the sweet good Mrs. Brown; who,
I was forgetting to mention, had, under pretence
of keeping my money safe, got from me, without
the least hesitation, the driblet (so I now call it)
which remained to me after the expenses of my
journey.
After some little time most agreeably spent
before the glass, in scarce self-admiration, since
my new dress had by much the greatest share in
it, I was sent for down to the parlour, where the
old lady saluted me, and wished me Joy of my
new cloaths, which she was not ashamed to say,
fitted me as if I had worn nothing but the finest
all my life-time; but what was it she could not see
me silly enough to swallow? At the same time,
she presented me to another cousin of her own
creation, an elderly gentleman, who got up at my
entry into the room, and on my dropping a
curtsy to him, saluted me, and seemed a little af-
fronted that I had only presented my cheek to
him: a mistake, which, if one, he immediately
corrected, by glewing his lips to mine, with an
ardour which his figure had not at all disposed me
to thank him for : his figure, I say, than which
nothing could be more shocking or detestable; for
ugly, and disagreeable, were terms too gentle to
convey a just idea of it.
Imagine to yourself, a man rather past three-
score, short and ill made, with a yellow cadaverous
hue, great gogling eyes, that stared as if he was
strangled; an out-mouth from two more properly
tusks than teeth, Hvid lips, and a breath like a
jakes; then he had a peculiar ghastliness in his
grin, that made him perfectly frightful, if not dan-
gerous to women with child; yet, made as he was
thus in mock of man, he was so blind to his own
staring deformities, as to think himself born for
pleasing, and that no woman could see him with
impunity : in consequence of which idea, he had
lavished great sums on such wretches as could
gain upon themselves to pretend love to his person,
whilst to those who had not art or patience to dis-
semble the horror it inspired, he behaved even bru-
tally. Impotence, more than necessity, made him
seek in variety the provocative that was wanting to
raise him to die pitch of enjoyment, which he too
often saw himself baulked of by the failure of his
powers : and this always threw him into a fit of
rage, which he wreaked, as far as he durst, on the
innocent objects of his fit of momentary desire.
This then was the monster to which my con-
scientious benefactress, who had long been his pur-
— 29 —
vcyor in this way, had doomed me, and sent for
me down purposely for his examination. Accor-
dingly she made me stand up before him, turned
me round, unpinned my handkerchief, remarked to
him the rise and fall, the turn and whiteness of
a bosom just beginning to fill; then made me walk,
and took even a handle from the rusticity of my
charms : in short, she omitted no point of
jockeyship; to which he only answered by gracious
nods of approbation, whilst he looked goats and
monkeys at me : for I sometimes stole a corner
glance at him, and encountering his fiery eager
stare, looked another way from pure horror and
affright, which he, doubtless in character, attri-
buted to nothing more than maiden modesty, or at
least the affectation of it.
However, I was soon dismissed, and recon-
ducted to my room by Phoebe, who stuck close to
me, by way of not leaving me alone, and at leasure,
to make such reflections as might naturally rise
to any one, not an idiot, on such a scene as I had
just gone through; but to my shame be it con-
fessed, that such was my invincible stupidity, or
rather portentous innocence, that I did not yet
open my eyes on Mrs. Brown's designs, and saw
nothing in this titular cousin of her's, but a
shocking hideous person, which did not at all con-
cern me, unless that my gratitude for my bene-
factress made me extend my respect to all her
cousinhood.
Phoebe, however, began to sift the state and
— 30 —
pulses of my heart towards this monster, asking
me how I should approve of such a fine gentleman
for a husband? (fine gentleman, I suppose she
called him, from his being daubed with lace). I
answered her very naturally, that I had no thoughts
of a husband, but that if I was to choose one, it
should be among my own degree, sure I so much
had my aversion to that wretch's hideous figure
indisposed me to all fine gentlemen, and con-
founded my ideas, as if those of that rank had
been necessarily cast in the same mould that he
was. But Phoebe was not to be beat off so, but
went on with her endeavours to melt and soften
me for the purposes of my reception into that hos-
pitable house : and whilst she talked of the sex in
general, she had no reason to despair of a com-
pliance, which more than one reason shewed her
would be easily enough obtained of me; but then
she had too much experience not to discover that
my particular fixed aversion to that frightful cousin,
would be a block not so readily to be removed, as
suited with the consummation of their bargain and
sale of me.
Mother Brown had in the mean time agreed the
terms with this liquorice old goat, which I after-
wards understood were to be fifty guineas per-
emptory, for the liberty of attempting me, and a
hundred more at the complete gratification of his
desires, in the triumph over my virginity : and as
for me, I was to be left entirely at the discretion of
his liking and generosity. This unrighteous con*
tract being thus settled, he was so eager to be put
in possession, that he insisted on being introduced
to drink tea with me that afternoon, when we were
to be left alone; nor would he hearken to the pro-
curess's remonstrances, that I was not sufficiently
prepared, and ripened for such an attack; that
I was too green and untamed, having been scarce
twenty-four hours in the house : it is the cha-
racter of lust to be impatient, and his vanity arm-
ing him against any supposition of other than
the common resistance of a maid on those occa-
sions, made him reject all proposals of a delay,
and my dreadful trial was thus fixed, unknown to
me, for that very evening.
At dinner, Mrs. Brown and Phoebe did nothing
but run riot in praise of this wonderful cousin, and
how happy that woman would be that he would
favour with his addresses : in short my two gossip s
exhausted all their rhetoric to persuade me to
accept them : « that the gentleman was violently
» smitten with me at first sight... that he would
» make my fortune if I would be a good girl and
* not stand in my own light... that I should trust
» his honour... that I should be made for ever,
» and have a chariot to go abroad in... », with all
such stuff as was fit to turn the head of such a
silly ignorant girl as I then was : but luckily here
my aversion had taken already such deep root in
me, my heart was so strongly defended from him
by my senses, that wanting the art to mask my
sentiments, I gave them no hopes of their em
plover's succeeding, at least very easily, with me.
The glass too march'd pretty quick, with a view,
I suppose, to make a friend of the warmth of my
constitution, in the minutes of the imminent
attack.
Thus they kept me pretty long at table, and
about six in the evening, after I was retired to my
apartment, and the tea board was set, enters my
venerable mistress, followed close by that satyr,
who came in grinning in a way peculiar to him,
and by his odious presence, confirmed me in all
the sentiments of detestation which his first appear-
ance had given birth to.
He sat down fronting me, and all tea time kept
ogling me in a manner that gave me the utmost
pain and confusion, all the marks of which he still
explained to be my bashfulness, and not being
used to see company.
Tea over, the commode old lady pleaded urgent
business (which indeed was true) to go out, and
earnestly desired me to entertain her cousin kindly
till she came back, both for my own sake and
hers; and then, with a « Pray, sir, be very good,
» be very tender of the sweet child », she went
out of the room, leaving me staring, with my
mouth open, and unprepared, by the suddenness
of her departure, to oppose it.
We were now alone; and on that idea a sudden
fit of trembling seized me. I was so afraid, without
a precise notion of why, and what I had to fear,
that I sat on the settee, by the fire side, motionless,
and petrified, without life or spirit, not knowing
how to look or how to stir.
But long I was not suffered to remain in this
state of stupefaction : the monster squatted down
by me on the settee, and without farther ceremony
or preamble, flings his arms about my neck, and
drawing me pretty forcibly towards him, obliged
me to receive, in spite of my struggles to disen-
gage from him, his pestilential kisses, which quite
overcame me. Finding me then next to senseless,
and unresisting, he tears off my neck handkerchief,
and laid all open there to his eyes and hands : still
I endured all without flinching, till emboldened by
my sufferance and silence, for I had not the power
to speak or cry out, he attempted to lay me down
on the settee, and I felt his hand on the lower part
of my naked thighs, which were crossed, and
which he endeavoured to unlock... Oh thenl I
was rouzed out of my passive endurance, and
springing from him with an activity he was not
prepared for, threw myself at his feet, and begged
him, in the most moving tone, not to be rude,
and that he would not hurt me : — « Hurt you,
» my dear? » says the brute, < I intend you no
» harm... has not the old lady told you that 1 love
» you?... that I shall do handsomely by you? —
» She has indeed, sir, » said I; « but I cannot
» love you, indeed I cannot!... pray let me alone...
» yes! I will love you dearly if you will let me
» alone, and go away... » But I was talking to the
wind; for whether my tears, my attitude, or the
S
— 34 —
disorder of my dress proved fresh incentives, or
whether he was now under the dominion of de-
4
sires he could not bridle, but snorting and foaming
with lust and rage, he renews his attack, seizes me,
and again attempts to extend and fix me on the
settee : in which he succeeded so far as to lay me
along, and even to toss my petticoats over my
head, and lay my thighs bare, which I obstinately
kept close, nor could he, though he attempted
with his knee to force them open, effect it so as to
stand fur for being master of the main avenue; he
was unbuttoned, both waistcoat and breeches, yet
1 only felt the weight of his body upon me, whilst
I lay struggling with indignation, and dying with
terrors; but he stopt all of a sudden, and got off,
panting, blowing, cursing, and rehearsing upon
me, « old and ugly I » for so I had very naturally
called him in the heat of my defence.
The brute had, it seems, as I afterwards under-
stood, brought on, by his eagerness and struggle,
the ultimate period of his hot fit of lust, which
his power was too short-liv'd to carry him through
the full execution of; of which my thighs and
linen received the effusion.
When it was over, he bid me, with a tone of
displeasure, get up : « that he would not do me
» the honour to think of me any more... that the
» old b.... h might look out for another cully...
» that he would not be fool'd so by e'er a country
» mock modesty in England... that he supposed I
» had left my maidenhead with some hobnail in
— 35 —
» the country, and was come to dispose of my
» skim-milk in town, » with a volley of the like
abuse; which I listened to with more pleasure than
ever fond woman did to protestations of love from
her darling minion : for, incapable as I was of
receiving any addition to my perfect hatred and
aversion to him, I looked on this railing, as my
security against his renewing his most odious car-
esses.
Yet, plain as Mrs. Brown's views were now come
out, I had not the heart, or spirit to open my eyes
on them : still I could not part with my depen-
dence on that beldam, so much did 1 think myself
her's, soul and body: or rather, 1 sought to de-
ceive myself with the continuation of my good
opinion of her, and chose to wait the worst at her
hands, sooner than being turned out to starve in
the streets, without a penny of money or a friend
to apply to : these fears were my folly.
While this confusion of ideas was passing in my
head, and I sat pensive by the fire, with my eyes
brimming with tears, my neck still bare, and my
cap fallen of! in the struggle, so that my hair was
in the disorder you may guess, the villain's lust
began, I suppose, to be again in flow, at the sight
of all that bloom of youth which presented itself
to his view, a bloom yet unenjoyed, and in course
not yet indifferent to him.
After some pause, he asked me, with a tone
of voice mightily softened, whether I would make
it up with him before the old lady returned, and
- 36 -
all should be well; he would restore me his affec-
tions, at the same time offering to kiss me and
feel my breasts. But now' my extreme aversion, my
fears, my indignation, all acting upon me, gave
me a spirit not natural to me, so that breaking
loose from him, I ran to the bell, and rang it,
before he was aware, with such violence and
effect, as brought up the maid to know what was the
matter, or whether the gentleman wanted any
thing; and before he could proceed to greater
extremities, she bounced into the room, and
seeing me stretched on the floor, my hair all dishe-
velled, my nose gushing out blood, which did
not a little tragedize the scene, and my. odious
prosecutor still intent of pushing his brutal point,
unmoved by all my cries and distress, she was
herself confounded and did not know what to do.
As much, however, as Martha might be prepared
and hardened to transactions of this sort, all wo-
manhood must have been out of her heart, could
she have seen this unmoved. Besides that, on the
face of things, she imagined that matters had gone
greater lengths than they really had, and that the
courtesy of the house had been actually consum-
mated on me, and flung me into the condition I
was in : in this notion she instantly took my part,
and advised the gentleman to go down and leave
me to recover myself, and « that all would be
» soon over with me... that when Mrs. Brown
r
» and Phoebe, who were gone out, were returned,
» they would take order for every thing to his
— 37 —
» satisfaction... that nothing would be lost by a
» little patience with the poor tender thing... that
» for her part she was frightened... she could not
» tell what to say to such doings... but that -she
» would stay by me till my mistress came home. »
As the wench said all this in a resolute tone, and
the monster himself began to perceive that things
would not mend by his staying, he took his hat
and went out of the room murmuring, and pit-
ting his brows like an old ape, so that I was deli- -
vered from the horrors of his detestable presence.
As soon as he was gone, Martha very tenderly
offered me her assistance in any thing, and would
have got me some hartshorn drops, and put me to
bed; which last I, at first, positively refused, in
the fear that the monster might return and take
me at that disadvantage. However, with much
persuasion, and assurances that I should not be
molested that night, she prevailed on me to lie
down; and indeed I was so weakened by my
struggles, so dejected by my fearful apprehensions,
so terror-struck, that I had not power to sit up, or
hardly to give answers to the questions with which
the curious Martha plied and perplexed me.
Such too, and so cruel was my fete, that I
dreaded the sight of Mrs. Brown, as if I had been
the criminal, and she the person injured : a mis-
take which you will not think so strange, on dis-
tinguishing that neither virtue or principles had
the least share in the defence I had made, but
only the particular aversion I had conceived against
- 38 -
this first brntal and frightful invader of my tender
innocence.
I passed then the time till Mrs. Brown came
home, under all the agitations of fear and despair
that may easily be guessed.
About eleven at night my two ladies came
home, and having received rather a favourable
account from Martha, who had run down to let
them in, for Mr.
Crofts (that was the name of
my brute) was gone out of the house, after wait-
ing till he had tired his patience for Mrs. Brown's
return, they came thundering up stairs, and seeing
me pale, my face bloody, and all the marks of the
most thorough dejection, they employed them-
selves more to comfort and re-inspirit me, than in
making me the reproaches I was weak enough to
fear, I who had so many juster and stronger to
retort upon them.
Mrs. Brown withdrawn, Phoebe came presently
to bed to me, and what with the answers she
drew from me, what with her own method of pal-
pably satisfying herself, she soon discovered that
I had been more frighted than hurt; upon which,
I suppose, being herself seized with sleep, and
reserving her lectures and instructions till the next
morning, she left me, properly speaking, to my
unrest; for, after tossing and turning, the greatest
part of the night, and tormenting myself with the
falsest notions and apprehensions of -things, I fell
through mere fatigue into a kind of delirious doze,
out of which I waked late in the morning, in a
violent fever: a circumstance which was extremely
critical to rcprive me, at least for a time, from the
attacks of a wretch, infinitely more terrible to me
than death itself.
The interested care that was taken of me during
my illness, in order to restore me to a condition
of making good the bawd's engagements, or of
enduring further trials, had however such an effect
on my grateful disposition, that I even thought
myself obliged to my undoers for their attention to
promote my recovery; and, above all, for the
keeping out of my sight that brutal ravisher, the
author of my disorder, on their finding I was too
strongly moved at the bare mention of his name.
Youth is soon raised, and a few days were suf-
ficient to conquer the fury of my fever : but, what
contributed most to my perfect recovery and to
my reconciliation with life, was the timely news,
that Mr. Crofts, who was a merchant of conside-
rable dealings, was arrested at the king's suit, for
near forty thousand pounds, on account of his
driving a certain contraband trade, and that his
affairs were so desperate, that even were it in his
inclination, it would not be in his power to renew
his designs upon me : for he was instantly thrown
into a prison, which it was not likely he would get
out of in haste.
Mrs. Brown, who had touched his fifty guineas,
advanced to so little purpose, and lost all hopes of
the remaining hundred, began to look upon my
treatment of him with a more favourable eye; and
as they had observed my temper to be perfectly
tractable and conformable to their views, all the
girls that composed her flock were suffered to visit
me, and had their cue to dispose me, by their
conversation, to a perfect resignation of myself to
Mrs. Brown's direction. <
Accordingly they were let in upon me, and all
that frolick and thoughtless gaity in which those
giddy creatures consume their leisure, made me
envy a condition of which I only saw the fair side;
insomuch, that the being one of them became even
my ambition : a disposition which they all care-
rally cultivated; and I wanted now nothing but to
restore my health, that I might be able to undergo
the ceremony of the initiation.
Conversation, example, in short all, contri-
buted, in that house, to corrupt my native purity,
which had taken no root in education; whilst now
the inflammable principal of pleasure, so easily
fired at my age, made strange work within me,
and all the modesty I was brought up in the habit,
not the instruction of, began to melt away like
dew before the sun's heat; not to mention that
I made a vice of necessity, from the constant fears
I had of being turned out to starve.
I was soon pretty well recovered, and at certain
hours allowed to range all over the house, but
cautiously kept from seeing any company till the
arrival of lord 2?..., from Bath, to whom Mrs. Brown,
in respect to his experienced generosity on such
occasions, proposed -to offer the perusal of that
— 41 —
trinket of mine, which bears so great an imaginary
yalne; and his lordship being expected in town in
less than a fortnight, Mrs. Brown judged I would
be entirely renewed in beauty and freshness by that
time, and afford her the chance of a better bargain
than she had driven with Mr. Crofts.
In the mean time, I was so thoroughly, as they
call it, brought over, so tame to their whistle,
that, had my cage door been set open, I had no
idea that I ought to fly any where, sooner thati
stay where I was; nor had I the least sense of re-
gretting my condition, but waited very quietly for
whatever Mrs. Brown should order concerning me,
who on her side, by herself and her agents, took
more than the necessary precautions to lull and
lay asleep all just reflections on my destination.
Preachments of morality over the left shoulder;
a life of joy painted in the gayest colours; caresses,
promises, indulgent treatment: nothing, in short,
was wanting to domesticate me entirely and to
prevent my going out any where to get better
advice. Alas 11 dreamed of no such thing.
Hitherto I had been indebted only to the girls
of the house for the corruption of my innocence :
their luscious talk, in which modesty was far from
respected, their description of their engagements
with men, had given me a tolerable insight into
the nature and mysteries of their profession, at
the same time that they highly provoked an itch
of florid warm spirited blood through every vein :
but above all, my bed fellow Phoebe, whose pupil
6
* -
— 42 —
I more immediately was, exerted her talents in
giving me the first tinctures of pleasure : whilst
nature, now warmed and wantoned with discov-
eries so interesting, piqued a curiosity which Phoebe
artfully whetted, and leading me from question to
question of her own suggestion, explained to me
all the mysteries of Venus. But I could not long
remain in such an house as that, without being an
eye-witness of more than I could conceive from
her descriptions.
One day, about twelve at noon, being thorougly
recovered of my fever, I happened to be in Mrs.
. Brown's dark closet, where I had not been half an
hour, resting upon the maid's bed, before I heard
a rustling in the bed chamber, separated from the
closet only by two sash doors, before the glasses
of which were drawn two yellow damask curtains,
but not so close as to exclude the full view of the
room from any person in the closet.
I instantly crept softly, and posted myself so,
that seeing every thing minutely, I could not
myself be seen; and who should come in but the
venerable mother Abbess herself! handed in by a
tall, brawny young horse granadier, moulded in
the Hercules style : in fine, the choice of the most
experienced dame, in those affairs, in all London.
Oh! how still and hush did I keep at my stand,
lest any noise should baulk my curiosity, or bring
Madam into the closet!
But I had not much reason to fear either, for
she was so entirely taken up with her present great
— 43 —
concern, that she had no sense of attention to
spare to any thing else.
Droll was it to see that clumsy fat figure of tier's,
flop down on the foot of the bed, opposite to the
closet door, so that I had a full front view of all
her charms.
Her paramour sat down by her: he seem'd to be
a man of very few words, and a great stomach; for
proceeding instantly to essentials, he gave her some
hearty smacks,' and thrusting his hands into her
breasts, disengaged them from her stays, in scorn
of whose confinement they broke loose, and
swagged down, navel low at least. A more enor-
mous pair did my eyes never behold, nor of a
worse colour, flagging soft, and most lovingly con-
tiguous : yet such as they were, this neck beef-
eater seemed to paw them with a most unenviable
gust, seeking hi vain to confine or cover one of
them with a hand scarce less than a shoulder of
mutton. After toyirg with them thus some time,
as if they had been worth it, he laid her down
pretty briskly, and canting up her petticoats, made
barely a mask of them to her broad red face, that
blushed with nothing but brandy.
As he stood on one side, unbuttoning his waist-
coat and breeches, her fat brawny thighs hung
down, and the whole greasy landscape lay fairly
open to my view; a wide open mouth'd gap, over-
shaded with a grizily bush, seemed held out like
a beggar's wallet for its provision.
*BfJt I soon had my eyes called off by a more
striking object, that entirely engrossed them.
Her sturdy stallion had now unbuttoned, and
produced naked, stiff, and erect, that wonderful
machine, which I had never seen before, and
which, for the interest my own seat of pleasure
began to take furiously in it, I stared at with all
the eyes I had : however, my senses were too
much flurried, too much concentered in that now
burning spot of mine, to observe any thing more
than in general the make and turn of that instru-
ment ; from which the instinct of nature, yet more
than all I had heard of it, now strongly informed
me, I was to expect that supreme pleasure which
she had placed in the meeting of those parts so
admirably fitted for each other.
Long, however, the young spark did not remain
before giving it two or three shakes, by way of
brandishing it, he threw himself upon her, and his
back being now towards me, I could only take his
being ingulphed for granted, by the directions he
moved in, and the impossibility of missing so star*
ing a mark; and now the bed shook the curtains
ratled so, that I could scarce hear the sighs and
murmurs, the heaves and pantings that accompa-
nied the action, from the beginning to the end;
the sound and sight of which thrilled to the very
soul of me, and made every vein of my body cir-
culate liquid fires : the emotion grew so violent*
that it almost intercepted my respiration.
Prepared then, and disposed as I was by the
discourse of my companions, and Phoebe's minute
detail of every thing, no wonder that such a sight
gave the last dying blow to my native innocence.
Whilst they were in the heat of the action,
guided by nature only, I stole my hand up my pet-
ticoats, and with fingers all on fire, seized, and yet
more inflamed that center of all my senses: my
heart palpitated, as if it would force its way through
my bosom: I breathed with pain; I twisted my
thighs, squeez'd, and compressed the lips of that
virgin slit, and following mechanically the example
of Phoebe's manual operation on it, as far as I could
find admission, brought on at last the critical
extasy: the melting flow, into which nature, spent
with excess of pleasure, dissolves and dies away.
After which my senses recovered coolness
enough to observe the rest of the transaction be-
tween this happy pair.
The young fellow had just dismounted, when
the old lady immediately sprung up, with all the
vigour of youth, derived, no doubt, from her late
refreshment; and making him sit down, began in
her turn to kiss him, to pat and pinch his cheeks,
and play with his hair : all which he received with
an air of indifference and coolness, that shewed
him to me much altered from what he was when
he first went on to the breach.
My pious governess, however, not being above
calling in auxiliaries, unlocks a little case of cor-
dials that stood near the bed, and made him pledge
her in a very plentiful dram : after which, and a
little amorous parley, Madam set herself down
upon the same place, at the bed's foot; and the
young fellow standing sidewise by her, she, with
the greatest effrontery imaginable, unbuttons his
breeches, and removing his shirt, draws out his
affair, sp shrunk and diminished, that I could not
but remember the difference, now crest-fallen, or
just faintly lifting its head : but our experienced
matron very soon, by chaffing it with her hands,
brought it to swell to that size and erection I had
before seen it up to.
I admired then, upon a fresh account, and with
a nicer survey, the texture of that capital part of
man : the flaming red head as it stood uncapt, the
whiteness of the shaft, and the shrub growth of
curling hair that embrowned the roots of it, the
roundish bag that dangled down from it, all exacted
my eager attention, and renewed my flame. But, as
the main affair was now at the point the indus-
trious dame had laboured to bring it to, she was
not in the humour to put off the payment of her
pains, but laying herself down, drew him gently
upon her, and thus they finished, in the same
manner as before, the old last act.
This over, they both went out lovingly together,
the old lady having first made him a present, as
near as I could observe, of three or four pieces; he
being not only her particular favourite on account
of his performances, but a retainer to the house;
from whose sight she had taken great care hitherto
to secret me, lest he might not have had patience
— 47 —
to wait for my lord's arrival, but have insisted ou
being his taster, which the old lady was under too
much subjection to him to dare dispute with him;
for every girl of the house fell to him in course,
and the old lady only now and then got her turn,
in consideration of the maintenance he had, and
which he could scarce be accused of not earning
from her.
As soon as I heard them go down stairs, I
stole up softly to my own room, out of which I
had luckily not been missed : there I began to
breath more free, and to give a loose to those
warm emotions which the sight of such an en-
counter had raised in me, I laid me down on the
bed, stretched myself out, joining and ardently
wishing, and requiring any means to divert or
allay the rekindled rage and tumult of my desires,
which all pointed strongly to their pole, man. I
felt about the bed as if 1 sought for something
that I grasped in my waking dream, and not find-
ing it, could have cried for vexation; every part
of me glowing with stimulated fires. At length, I
resorted to the only present remedy, that of vain
attempts at digitation, where the smallness of the
theatre did not yet afford room enough for action,
and where the pain my fingers gave me, in striving
for admission, though they procured me a slight
satisfaction for the present, started an apprehension,
which I could not be easy till I had communi-
cated to Phoebe, and received her explanations
upon it.
The opportunity, however, did not offer till next
morning, for Phoebe did not come to bed till long
after I was gone to sleep. As soon then as we were
both awake, it was but in course to bring onr
ly-a-bed chat to land, on the subject of my uneasi-
ness : to which a recital of the love scene I had
thus, by chance, been spectatress of, served for a
preface.
Phoebe could not hear it to the end without
more than one interruption by peals of laughter,
and my ingenuous way of relating matters did not
a little heighten the joke to her.
But, on her sounding me how the sight had
affected me, without mincing or hiding the plea-
surable emotions it had inspired me with, I told
her at the same time that one remark had per-
plexed me, and that very considerably. — « Ayl »
says she, « what was that ? — Why, » replied I,
» having very curiously and attentively compared
» the size of that enormous machine, which did
» not appear, at least to my fearful imagination,
» less than my wrist, and at least three of my hand-
» fuls long, to that of the tender small part of me
» which was framed t o receive it, I could not conceive
» its being possible to afford it entrance without
» dying, perhaps in the greatest pain, since she
> well knew that even a finger thrust in there,
» hurt me beyond bearing... As to my mistress's
» and yours, I can very plainly distinguish the dif-
* ferent dimensions of them from mine, palpable
» to the touch, and visible to the eye; so that, in
— 49 —
7
» short, great as the promised pleasure may be,
% I am afraid of the pain of the experiment. »
Phoebe at this redoubled her laugh, and, whilst
I expected a very serious solution of my doubts
and apprehensions in this matter, only told me,
that « she never heard of a mortal wound being
» given in those parts, by that terrible weapon,
» and that some she knew younger, and as deli*
» eatery made as myself, had outlived the opera-
» tion; that she believed, at the worst, I should
» take a great deal of killing; that true it was,
» there was a great diversity of sizes in those
» parts, owing to nature, child-bearing, frequent
» over-stretching with unmerciful machines, but
» that at a certain age and habit of body, even
» the most experienced in those affairs could not
» well distinguish between the maid and the
» woman, supposing too an absence of all artifice,
» and things in their natural situation : but that
» since chance had thrown in my way one sight of
» that sort, she would procure me another, that
» should feast my eyes more delicately, and go a
» great way in the cure of my fears from that ima-
» ginary disproportion. »
On this she asked me « if I knew Polly Philips ?
» — Undoubtedly, » says I, « the fair girl which
• was so tender of me when I was sick, and has
» been, as you told me, but two months in the
» house. — The same, » says Phoebe. « You must
» know then, she is kept by a young Genoese
» merchant, whom his uncle, who is immensely
— 50 —
» rich, and whose darling he is, sent over here
» with an English merchant, his friend, on a pre-
» text of settling some accounts, but in reality to
» humour his inclinations for travelling, and seeing
» the world. He met casually with this Polly once
» in company, and taking a liking to her, makes
» it worth her while to keep entirely to him. He
» comes to her here twice or thrice a week, and she
» receives him in the light closet up one pair
* of stairs, where he enjoys her in a taste, I sup-
» pose, peculiar to the heat, or perhaps the ca-
» prices of his own country. I say no more, but
» to-morrow being his day, you shall see what
» passes between them, from a place only known
» to your mistress and myself. »
You may be sure, in the ply I was now taking,
I had no objection to the proposal, and was rather
a tip-toe for its accomplishment.
At five in the evening next day, Phoebe, punc-
tual to her promise, came to me as I sat alone in
my own room, and beckoned me to follow her.
We went down the back stairs very softly, and
opening the door of a dark closet, where there was
some old furniture kept, and some cases of liquor,
she drew me in after her, and fastening the door
upon us, we had no light but what came through a
long crevice in the partition between ours and
the light closet, where the scene of action lay; so
that sitting on those low cases, we could, with the
greatest ease, as well as clearness, see all objects
(ourselves unseen), only by applying our eyes close
— si —
to the crevice, where the moulding of a pannel
had warped, or started a little on the other side.
The young gentleman was the first person I saw,
with his back directly towards me, looking at a
print. Polly was not yet come : in less than a
minute tho', the door opened, and she came in;
and at the noise the door made he turned about,
and came to meet her, with an air of the greatest
tenderness and satisfaction.
After saluting her, he led her to a couch that
fronted us, where they both sat down, and the
young Genoese helped her to a glass of wine, with
some Naples biscuit on a salver.
Presently, when they had exchanged a few kisses,
and questions in broken English on one side, he
began to unbutton, and, in fine, stript unto his shirt.
As if this had been the signal agreed on for
pulling off all their cloaths, a scheme which the
heat of the season perfectly favoured, Polly began
to draw her pins, and as she had no stays to
unlace, she was in a trice, with her gallant's
officious assistance, undressed to all but her shift.
When he saw this, his breeches were immedia-
tely loosened, waist and knee bands, and sliped
over his ancles, clean off; his shirt collar was
unbuttoned too : then, first giving Polly an encou-
raging kiss, he stole, as it were, the shift off the
girl, who being, I suppose, broke and familiarized
to this humour, blushed indeed, but less than I did
at the apparition of her, now standing stark naked,
just as she came out of the hands of pure nature,
— 52 —
with her black hair loose and a-float down her
dazzling white neck and shoulders, whilst the deep-
ened carnation of her cheeks went off gradually
into the hue of glazed snow : for such were the
blended tints and polish of her skin.
This girl could not be above eighteen : her face
regular and sweet featured, her shape exquisite; nor
could I help envying her two ripe enchanting
breasts, finely plumped out in flesh, but withal so
round, so firm, that they sustained themselves, in
scorn of any stay : then their nipples, pointing
different ways, marked their pleasing separation;
beneath them lay the delicious tract of the belly,
which terminated in a parting or rift scarce discern-
able, that modestly seemed to retire downwards,
and seek shelter between two plump fleshy thighs :
the curling hair that overspread its delightful front,
cloathed it with the richest sable fur in the universe
i
in short, she was evidently a subject for the
painters to court her sitting to them for a pattern
female beauty, in all the true pride and pomp of
nakedness.
The young Italian (still in his shirt) stood gazing
and transported at the sight of beauties that might
have fired a dying hermit; his eager eyes devoured
her, as she shifted attitudes at his discretion :
neither were his hands excluded their share of the
high feast, but wandered, on the hunt of pleasure,
over every part and inch of her body, so qualified
to afford the most exquisite sense of ft.
In the mean time, one could not help observing
— 53 —
the swell of bis shirt before, that bolstered out, and
pointed out the condition of things behind the
curtain : but he soon removed it, by slipping his
shirt over bis head; and now, as to nakedness,
they had nothing to reproach one another.
The young gentleman, by Phoebe's guess, was
about two and twenty; tall and well limbed. His
body was finely formed, and of a most vigorous
make, square shouldered, and broad chested : his
face was not remarkable any way, but for a nose
inclining to the Roman, eyes large, black, and
sparkling, and a ruddiness in his cheeks mat was
the more a grace; for his complexion was of the
brownest, not of that dusky dun colour which
excludes the idea of freshness, but of that dear,
olive gloss, which glowing with life, dazzles perhaps
less than fairness, and yet pleases more, when it
pleases at all. His hair being too short to tye, fell
no lower than his neck, in short easy curls; and
he had a few sprigs about his paps, that garnished
his chest in a stile of strength and manliness. Then
his grand movement, which seemed to rise out of
a thicket of curling hair, that spread from the root
all over his thighs and belly up to the navel, stood
stiff and upright, but of a size to frighten me, by
sympathy for the small tender part which was the
object of its fury, and which now lay exposed to my
fairest view; for he had, immediately on stripping
off his shirt, gently pushed her down on the couch,
which stood conveniently to break her willing fall.
Her thighs were spread out to their utmost exten-
— 54 —
sion, and discovered between them the mark of the
sex, the red-centered deft of flesh, whose Hps ver-
milioning inwards, expressed a small rabid line in
sweet miniature, such as Guido's touch or colouring
could never attain to the life or delicacy of.
Phoebe, at this, gave me a gentle jog, to prepare
me for a whispered question: « Whether I thought
» my little maindenhead was much less ? » But my
attention was too much engrossed, too much
inwraped with all I saw, to be able to give her any
answer.
By this time the young gentleman had changed
her posture from lying breadth to length-wise on
the coach: but her thighs were still spread, and the
mark lay fair for him, who now kneeling between
them, displayed to us a side view of that fierce
erect machine of his, which threatened no less
than splitting the tender victim, who lay smiling at
the uplifted stroke, nor seemed to decline it. He
looked upon his weapon himself with some plea-
sure, and guiding it with his hand to the inviting
slit, drew aside the lips, and lodged it (after some
thrusts, which Polly seemed even to assist) about
half way; but there it stuck, I suppose from its
growing thickness : he draws it again, and just
wetting it with spittle, re-enters, and with ease
sheath'd it now up to the hilt, at which Polly gave a
deep sigh, which was quite in another tone than
one of pain; he thrusts, she heaves, at first gently,
and in a regular cadence; but presently the trans-
port began to be too violent to observe any order
or measure; their motions were too rapid, their
kisses too fierce and fervent for nature to support
such fury long : both seemed to me out of them-
selves: their eyes darted fires : « Ohl oh!... I can't
» bear it... It is too much... I die... I am going... »
were Polly's expressions of extasy : his joys were
more silent; but soon broken murmurs, sighs heart-
fetched, and at length a dispatching thrust, as if he
would have forced himself up her body, and then
the motionless languor of all his limbs, all shewed
that the die-away moment was come upon him;
which she gave signs of joining with, by the wild
throwing of her hands about, closing her eyes, and
giving a deep sob, in which she seemed to expire
in an agony of bliss.
When he had finished his stroke, and got from
off her, she lay still without the least motion,
breathless, as it should seem, with pleasure. He
replaced her again breadth-wise on the couch, unable
to sit up, whjth her thighs open, between which I
could observe a kind of white liquid, like froth,
hanging about the outward lips of that recent
opened wound, which now glowed with a deeper
red. Presently she gets up, and throwing her arms
round him, seemed far from undelighted with the
trial he had put her to, to judge, at least, by the
fondness with which she eyed, and hung upon him.
For my part, I will not pretend to describe
what I felt all over me during this scene; but from
that instant, adieu all fears of what man can do
unto me! they were now changed into such ardent
- 56 -
desires, such ungovernable longings, that I could
have pulled the first of that sex that should present
himself by the sleeve, and offered him the bauble,
which I now imagined the loss of would be a gain I
could not too soon procure myself.
Phoebe, who had more experience, and to whom
such sights were not so new, could not, however,
be unmoved at so warm a scene; and drawing me
away softly from the peeping hole, for fear of being
over heard, guided me as near the door as possible,
all passive and obedient to her least signals.
Here was no room either to sit or lie, but mak-
ing me stand with my back towards the door, she
lifted up my petticoats, and with her busy fingers
fell to visit and explore that part of me, where now
the heat and irritations were so violent, that I was
perfectly sick and ready to die with desire; that the
bare touch of her finger, in that critical place, had
the effect of a fire to a train, and her hand instantly
made her sensible to what a pitch I was wound up,
and melted by the sight she had thus procured me.
Satisfied then with her success, in allaying a heat
that would have made me impatient of seeing the
continuation of the transactions between our amo-
rous couple, she brought me again to the crevice, so
favourable to our curiosity.
We had certainly been but a few instants away
from it, and yet on our return we saw every thing
in good forwardness for recommencing the tender
hostilities.
The young foreigner was sitting down, fronting
— 57 —
8
as, on the conch, with Polly upon one knee, who
had her arms ronnd his neck, whilst the extreme
whiteness of her skin was not undelightfully con-
trasted by the smooth glossy brown of her lover's.
Bat who could count the fierce, unnumbered
kisses given and taken? in which I could often
discover their exchanging the velvet thrust, when
both their months were double tongued, and seemed
to favour the mutual insertion with the greatest
gust and delight.
In the mean time, his red-headed champion, that
had so lately fled the pit, quelled and abashed, was
now recovered to the top of his condition, perked
and crested up beween Polly's thighs, who was not
wanting, on her part, to coax and keep it in good
humour, stroaking it, with her head down, and
receiving even its velvet tip between the lips of not
its proper mouth : whether she did this out of any
particular pleasure, or whether it was to render it
more glib and easy of entrance, I could not tell;
but it had such an effect, that the young gentleman
seemed by his eyes, that sparkled with more
excited lustre, and his inflamed countenance, to
receive increase of pleasure. He got up, and taking
Polly in his arms, embraced her, and said some-
thing too softly for me to hear, leading her withal
to the foot of the couch, and taking delight to slap
her thighs and posteriors with that stiff sinew of
bis, which hit them with a spring that he gave it
with his hand, and made them resound again,
but hurt her about as much as he meant to hurt
- 58 -
her, for she seemed to have as frolic a taste as
himself.
But guess my surprize, when I saw the lazy
young rogue lie down on his back, and gently pull
down Polly upon him, who giving way to his
humour, stradled, and with her hands conducted
her blind favourite to the right place; and following
her impulse, ran directly upon the flaming point ot
this weapon of pleasure, which she staked herself
upon, up-pierced, and infixed to the extremest hair
breadth of it : thus she sat on him a few instants,
enjoying and relishing her situation, whilst he toyed
with her provoking breasts. Sometimes she would
stoop to meet his kiss : but presendy the sting of
pleasure spured them up to fiercer action; then
began the storm of heaves, which, from the under-
most combatant, were thrusts at the same time, he
crossing his hands over her, and drawing her home
to him with a sweet violence : the inverted strokes
of anvil over hammer soon brought on the critical
period, in which all the signs of a close conspiring
extasy informed us of the point they were at.
For me, I could bear to see no more; I was so
overcome, so inflamed at the second part of the
same play, that, mad to an intolerable degree, I
hugged, I clasped Phcebe, as if she had where-
withal to relieve me. Pleased however with, and
pitying the taking she could feel me in, she drew
towards the door, and opening it as softly as she
could, we both got off indiscovered, and she recon-
ducted me to my own room, where, unable to keep
— 59 —
■
my legs, in the agitation I was in, I instantly threw
myself down on the bed, where I lay transported,
though ashamed at what I felt.
Phoebe lay down by me, and asked me archly,
« if, now that I had seen the enemy, and fully
» considered him, I was still afraid of him? or did
» I think I could come to a close engagement with
» him ? » To all which, not a word on my side; I
•sighed, and could scarce breathe. She takes hold of
my hand, and having rolled up her own petticoats,
forced it half strivingly towards those parts, where,
now grown more knowing, I missed the main
object of my wishes; and finding not even the
shadow of what I wanted, where every thing was
so flat, or so hollow, in the vexation I was in at
it, I should have withdrawn my hand, but for fear
of disobliging her. Abandoning it then entirely to
her management, she made use of it as she thought
proper, to procure herself rather the shadow than
the substance of any pleasure. For my part, I now
pined for more solid food, and promised tacitly to
myself that I would not be put off much longer
with this foolery of woman to woman, if Mrs. Brown
did not soon provide me with the essential specific.
In short, I had all the air of not being able to wait
the arrival of my lord B..., though be was now
expected in a very few days : nor did I wait for
him, for love itself took charge of the disposal ol
me, in spite of interest, or gross lust.
It was now two days after the closet scene, that
I got up about six in the morning, and leaving my
— 60 —
bedfellow fast asleep, stole down, with no other
thought than of taking a little fresh air in a small
garden, which our back parlour opened into, and
from which my confinement debarred me, at the
times company came to the house; but now sleep
apd silence reigned all over it.
I opened the parlour door, and well surprised
was I at seeing, by the side of a fire half out, a
young gentleman in the old lady's elbow chair, with
his legs laid upon another, fast asleep, and left
there by his thoughtless companions, who had
drank him down, and then went off with every
one his mistress, whilst he stayed behind by
the curtesy of the old matron, who would not
disturb or turn him out in that condition at one in
the morning; and beds, it is more than probable,
there were none to spare. On the table, still
remained the punch bowl and glasses, strewed
about in their usual disorder after a drunken revel.
But when I drew nearer, to view the sleeping
estray, heavens! what a sight! No! no term of
years, no turn of fortune, could ever erase the
lightning-like impression his form made on me...
Yes! dearest object of my earliest passion,
I com-
mand for ever the remembrance of thy first ap-
pearance to my ravished eyes... it calls thee up,
present; and I see thee now!
Figure to yourself, Madam, a fair stripling,
between eighteen and nineteen, with his head
reclined on one of the sides of the chair, his hair
in disordered curls, irregularly shading a face, on
— 61 —
which all the roseate bloom of youth and all the
manly graces conspired to fix my eyes and heart:
even the langour and paleness of his face, in which
the momentary triumph of the lilly over the rose
was owing to the excesses of the night, gave an
inexpressible sweetness to the finest features imagi-
nable : his eyes, closed in sleep, displayed the meet-
ing edges of their lids beautifully bordered with
long eye-lashes; over which no pencil could have
described two more regular arches than those that
graced his forehead, which was high, perfectly
white and smooth; then a pair of vermilion hps,
pouting and swelling to the touch, as if a bee had
freshly stung them, seemed to challenge me to get
the gloves of this lovely sleeper, had not the
modesty and respect, which in both sexes are
inseparable from a true passion, checked my im-
pulses.
But on seeing his shirt collar unbuttoned, and
bosom whiter than a drift of snow, the pleasure
of considering it could not bribe me to lengthen it,
at the hazard of a health that began to be my life's
concern. Love, that made me timid, taught me
to be tender too : with a trembling hand I took
hold of one of his, and waking him as gently as
possible, he started, and looking at first a little
wildly, said, with a voice that sent its harmonious
sound to my heart: « Pray, child, what a clock is
» it ?» I told him, and added that he might catch
cold if he slept longer with his breast open in the
cool of the morning air. On this he thanked me
62
with a sweetness perfectly agreeing with that of his
features and eyes; the last now broad open, and
eagerly surveying me, carried the sprightly fires
It seems, that having drank too freely before he
came upon the rake with some of his young com-
panions, he had put himself out of a condition to
go through all the weapons with them, and crown
me in a loose undress, he did not doubt but I was
one of the misses of the house, sent in to repair his
loss of time; but though he seized that notion, and
a very obvious one it was, without hesitation, yet,
whether my figure made a more than ordinary
impression on him, or whether it was his natural
politeness, he addressed me in a manner far from
rude, though still on the foot of one of the house
pliers come to amuse him; and giving me the first
kiss that I ever relished from man in my life, asked
me if I could favour him with my company, assur-
ing me that he would make it worth my while :
but had not even new born love, that true refiner
of lust, opposed so sudden a surrender, the fear of
being surprised by the house was a sufficient bar to
my compliance.
I told him then, in a tone set me by love itselt,
that for reasons I had not time to explain to him,
I could not stay with him, and might not even ever
see him again, with a sigh at these last words,
which broke from the bottom of my heart. My
conqueror, who, as he afterwards told me, had been
the night with getting
- 6*3 -
struck with my appearance, and liked me as much
as he could think of liking any one in my supposed
way of life, asked me briskly at once, if I would be
kept by him, and that he would take a lodging for
me directly, and relieve me from any engagements
he presumed I might be under to the house. Rash,
sudden, undigested, and even dangerous as this
offer might be from a perfect stranger, and that
stranger a giddy boy, the prodigious love I was
struck with for him, had put a charm into his voice
there was no resisting, and blinded me to every
objection; I could, at that instant, have died for
him : think if I could resist an invitation to live
with him! Thus my heart, beating strong to the
proposal, dictated my answer, after scarce a
minute's pause, that I would accept of his offer,
and make my escape to him in what way he pleased,
and that I would be entirely at his disposal, let it be
good or bad. I have often since wondered that so
great an easiness did not disgust him, or make me
too cheap in his eyes; but my fate had so appointed
it, that in his fears of the hazzard of the town, he
had been some time looking out for a girl to take
into keeping, and my person happening to hit his
fancy, it was by one of those miracles reserved to
love, that we struck the bargain in the instant,
which we sealed by an exchange of kisses, that the
hopes of a more uninterrupted enjoyment engaged
him to content himself with.
Never, however, did dear youth carry in his head
more wherewith to justify the turning of a girl's
- 64 -
i
t
head, and making her set all consequences at
defiance, for the sake of following a gallant.
For, besides all the perfections of manly beauty
which were assembled in his form, he had an air
of nearness and gentility, a certain smartness in the
carriage and port of his head, that yet more distin*
guished him; his eyes were sprightly and full of
meaning; his looks had in them something at
once sweet and commanding; his complexion out
bloomed the lovely coloured rose, whilst its inimi-
table tender vivid glow clearly saved it from the
reproach of wanting life, of raw and dough-like,
which is commonly made to those so extremely
fair as he was.
Our little plan was, that I should get out about
seven the next morning (which I could readily
promise, as I knew where to get the key of the
street door), and he would wait at the end of the
street with a coach to convey me safe off; after
which, he would send and clear any debt incurred
by my stay at Mrs. Brown's, who, he only judged,
in gross, might not care to part with one, he
thought, so fit to draw custom to the house.
I then just hinted to him not to mention in the
house his having seen such a person as me, for
reasons I would explain to him more at leisure.
And then, for fear of miscarrying, by being seen
together, I tore myself from him with a bleeding
heart, and stole up softly to my room, where I
found Phoebe still fast asleep, and hurrying off my
few cloaths, lay down by her, with a mixture of joy
- 65 -
*
and anxiety, that.may be easier conceived than
expressed.
The risks of Mrs. Brown's discovering my pur-
pose, of disappointments, misery, ruin, all vanished
before this new kindled flame. The seeing, the
touching, the being, if but for a night, with this
idol of my fond virgin heart, appeared to me a
happiness above the purchase of my liberty or life.
He might use me ill, let him : he was the master;
happy, too happy, even to receive death at so dear
a hand.
To this purpose were the reflexions of the
whole day, of which every minute seemed to me a
little eternity. How often did I visit the clock! nay,
was tempted to advance the tedious hand, as if that
would have advanced the time with it! Had those
of the house made the least observations on me,
they must have remarked something extraordinary
from the discomposure I could not help betraying;
especially when at dinner mention was made of the
charmingest youth having been there, and stayed
breakfast.*« Oh! he was such a beauty!... I should
» have died for him!... they would pull caps for
» him!... » and the like fooleries; which, how-
ever, was throwing oil on a fire I was sorely put to
it to smother the blaze of.
The fluctuations of my mind, the whole day,
produced one good effect; which was, that, through
mere fatigue, I slept tolerably well till five in the
I morning, when I got up, and having dressed myself,
waited, under the double tortures of fear and impa-
9
— 66 —
tience, for the appointed hour. It came at last, the
dear, critical, dangerous hour came; and now,
supported only by the courage love lent me, I
ventured, a tip-toe, down stairs, leaving my box
behind, for fear of being surprized with it in
going out.
I got to the street door, the key whereof was
always laid on the chair by our bed side, in trust
with Phoebe, who having not the least suspicion of
my entertaining any design to go from them (nor,
indeed, had I but the day before), made no reserve
or concealment of it from me. I opened the door
with great ease; love, that embolden'd, protected
me too : and now, got safe into the street, I saw
my new guardian angel waiting at a coach door,
ready open. How I got to him I know not : I
suppose I flew; but I was in the coach in a trice,
and he by the side of me, with his arms clasped
round me, and giving me the kiss of welcome.
The coachman had his orders, and drove to them.
My eyes were instantly filled with tears, but
tears of the most delicious delight: to find myself
in the arms of that beauteous youth, was a rapture
that my little heart swam in; past or future were
equally out of the question with me; the present
was as much as all my powers of life were sufficient
to bear the transport of without feinting. Nor were
the most tender embraces, the most soothing
expressions wanting on his side, to assure me of his
love, and of never giving me cause to repent the
bold step I had taken, in throwing myself thus
- 67 -
entirely upon his honour and generosity. But, alas!
this was no merit in me, for I was drove to it by
a passion too impetuous for me to resist, and,
I did what I did, because I could not help it.
In an instant, for time was now annihilated with
me, we were landed at a public house in Chelsea,
hospitably commodious for the reception of duet
parties of pleasure, where a breakfast of chocolate
was prepared for us.
An old jolly stager, who kept it, and understood
life perfectly well, breakfasted with us, and leering
archly at me, gave us both joy, and said, « we were
» well paired, i' faith I that a great many gentlemen
» and ladies used his house, but he had never seen
» a handsomer couple... he was sure I was a fresh
» piece... I looked so country, so innocent! well,
» my spouse was a lucky man!... » all which,
common landlord's cant, not only pleased and
soothed me, but helped to divert my confusion at
being with my new. sovereign, whom, now the
minute approached, I began to fear to be alone
with : a timidity which true love had a greater
share in than even maiden bashfulness.
I wished, I doated, I could have died for him;
and yet, I know not how, or why, I dreaded the
point which had been the object of my fiercest
wishes; my pulses beat fears, amidst a flush of the
warmest desires. This struggle of the passions, how-
ever, this conflict betwixt modesty and love-sick
longings, made me burst again into tears; which he
took, as he had done before, only for the remains
— 68 —
of concern and emotion at the suddenness of my
change of condition, in committing myself to his
care; and, in consequence of that idea, did and
said all that he thought would most comfort and
re-inspirit me.
After breakfast, Charles (the dear familiar name
I must take the liberty henceforward to distinguish
my Adonis by), with a smile full of meaning, took
me gently by the hand, and said: « Come, my
» dear, I will shew you a room that commands a
» fine prospect over some gardens »>; and without
waiting for an answer, in which he relieved me
extremely, he led me up into a chamber, airy and
lightsome, where all seeing of prospects was out of
the question, except that of a bed, which had all
the air of recommending the room to him.
Charles had just slipped the bolt of the door,
and running, caught me in his arms, and lifting me
from the ground, with his lips glewed to mine, bore
me, trembling, panting, dying, with soft fears and
tender wishes, to the bed; where his impatience
would not suffer him to undress me, more than
just unpinning my handkerchief and gown, and
unlacing my stays.
My bosom was now bare, and rising in the warm-
est throbs, presented to his sight and feeling the
firm hard swell of a pair of young breasts, such as
may be imagined of a girl not sixteen, fresh out of
the country, and never before handled : but even
their pride, whiteness, fashion, pleasing resistance
to the touch, could not bribe his restless hands
- 69 -
from roving; but, giving them the loose, my petti-
coats and shift were soon taken up, and their
stronger center of attraction laid open to their
tender invasion. My fears, however, made me me-
chanically close my thighs; but the very touch of
his hand insinuated between them, disclosed them
and opened a way for the main attack.
In the mean time, I lay fairly exposed to the
examination of his eyes and hands, quiet and unre-
sisting ; which confirmed him in the opinion he pro-
ceeded so cavalierly upon, that I was no novice in
these matters, since he had taken me out of a
common bawdy house; nor had I said one thing to
prepossess him of my virginity; and if I had, he
would .sooner have believed that I took him for a
cully that would swallow such an improbability,
than that I was still mistress of that darling trea-
sure, that hidden mine, so eagerly sought after by
the men, and which they never dig for but to
destroy.
Being now too high wound up to bear a delay,
he unbuttoned, and drawing out the engine of love
assaults, drove it currently, as at a ready made
breach... Then! then t for the first time, did I feel
that stiff horn-hard gristle, battering against the
tender part; but imagine to yourself his surprise,
when he found, after several vigorous pushes,
which hurt me extremely, that he made not the
least impression.
I complained, but tenderly complained : « I
could not bear it... indeed he hurt me I... » Still he
— 70 —
thought no more, than that being so young, the
largeness of his machine (for few men could dispute
size with him) made all the difficulty; and that possi-
bly I had not been enjoyed by any so advanta-
geously made in that part as himself: for still, that
my virgin flower was yet uncropped, never entered
into his head, and he would have thought it idling
with time and words, to have questioned me upon
it.
He tries again, still no admittance, still no pene-
tration; but he had hurt me yet more, whilst my
extreme love made me bear extreme pain, almost
without a groan. At length, after repeated fruitless
trials, he lay down panting by me, kissed my falling
tears, and asked me tenderly « what was the mean-
» ing of so much complaining? and if I had not
» borne it better from others than I did from
» him ? » 1 answered, with a simplicity framed to
persuade, that he was the first man that ever served
me so. Truth is powerful, and it is not always that
we do not believe what we eagerly wish.
Charles, already disposed by the evidence of his
senses to think my pretences to virginity not entire-
ly apocryphal, smothers me with kisses, begs
me, in the name of love, to have a little patience,
and that he will be as tender of hurting me as he
would be of himself.
Alas I it was enough I knew his pleasure to sub-
mit joyfully to him, whatever pain I foresaw it
would cost me. '
He now resumes his attempts in more form :
first, he put one of the pillows under me, to give
the blank of his aim a more favourable elevation,
and another under my head, in ease of it; then
spreading my thighs, and placing himself standing be-
tween them, made them rest upon his hips; applying
then the point of his machine to the slit, into
which he sought entrance, it was so small, he
could scarce assure himself of its being rightly
pointed. He looks, he feels, and satisfies himself:
then driving on with fury, its prodigious stiffness,
thus impacted, wedge-like, breaks the union ot
those parts, and gained him just the insertion of
the tip of it, lip deep; which being sensible of, he
improved his advantage, and following well his
stroke, in a straight line, forcibly deepens his pene-
tration; but put me to such intolerable pain, from
the separation of the sides of that soft passage by a
hard thick body, I could have screamed out; but,
as I was unwilling to alarm the house, I held in my
breath, and crammed my petticoat, which was
turned up over my face, into my mouth, and bit it
through in the agony. At length, the tender texture
of that tract giving way to such fierce tearing and
rending, he pierced something further into me :
and now, outrageous and no longer his own master,
but borne headlong away by the fury and over
mettle of that member, now exerting itself with a
kind of native rage, he breaks in, carries all before
him, and one violent, merciless lunge, sent it,
imbrued, and reeking with virgin blood, up to the
very hilt in me... Then! then all my resolution
— 72 —
deserted me: I screamed oat, and feinted away
with the sharpness of the pain; and, as he told me
afterwards, on his drawing out, when emission was
over with him, my thighs were instantly all in a
stream of blood, that flowed from the wounded
torn passage.
When I recovered my senses, I found myself
undressed and a-bed, in the arms of the sweet re-
lenting murderer of my virginity, who hung
mourning tenderly over me, and holding in his hand
a cordial, which, coming from the still dear author
of so much pain, I could not refuse; my eyes,
however, moistened with tears, and languishingly
turned upon him, seemed to reproach him with
his cruelty, and ask him, if such were the rewards
of love. But Charles, to whom I was now infinitely
endeared by his complete triumph over a maiden-
head, where he so little expected to find one, in
tenderness to that pain which he had put me to, in
procuring himself the height of pleasure, smothered
his exultation; and employed himself with so much
sweetness, so much warmth, to sooth, to caress,
and comfort me in my soft complainings, which
breathed, indeed, more love than resentment, that
I presendy drowned all sense of pain in the plea-
sure of seeing him, of thinking that I belonged to
him: he who was now the absolute disposer of
my happiness, and, in one word, my fete.
The sore was, however, too tender, the wound
too bleeding fresh, for Charles's good-nature to put
my patience presently to another trial; but as I
- 73 —
10
could not stir, or walk a-cross the room, he ordered
the dinner to be brought to the bed side, where it
could not be otherwise than my getting down the
wing of a fowl, and two or three glasses of wine,
since it was my adored youth who both served,
and urged them on me, with that sweet irresistible
authority with which love had invested him over me.
After dinner, and everything but the wine was
taken away, Charles very impudently asks a
leave, he might read the grant of in my eyes, to
come to bed to me, and accordingly falls to un-
dressing; which I could not see the progress of
without strange emotions of fear and pleasure.
He is now in bed with me the first time, and in
broad day; but when thrusting up his own shirt
and my shift, he laid his naked glowing body to
mine... oh! insupportable delight! oh! super-
human rapture! what pain could stand before a
pleasure so transporting ? I felt no more the smart
of my wounds below; but, curling round him like
the tendril of a vine, as if I feared any part of him
should be untouched or unpressed by me, I re-
turned his strenuous embraces and kisses with a
fervour and gust only known to true love, and
which mere lust could never rise to.
Yes, even at this time, that all the tyranny of
the passions is fully over, and that my veins roll no
longer but a cold tranquil stream, the remembrance
of those passages that most affected me in my
youth, still cheers and refreshes me; let me pro-
ceed then. My beauteous youth was now glewed to
— 74 —
me in all the folds and twists that we could make
our bodies meet in; when, no longer able to rein
in the fierceness of refreshed desires, he gives his
steed the head, and gently insinuating his thighs
between mine, stopping my mouth with kisses of
humid fire, makes a fresh eruption, and renewing
his thrusts, pierces, tears, and forces his way up
the torn tender folds, that yielded him admission
with a smart little less severe that when the breach
was first made. I stiffled, however, my cries, and
bore him with the passive fortitude of an heroine;
soon his thrusts, more and more furious, cheeks
flushed with a deeper scarlet, his eyes turned up in
the fervent fit, some dying sighs, and an agoniz-
ing shudder, announced the approaches of that extatic
pleasure, I was yet in too much pain to come in
for my share of.
Nor was it till after a few enjoyments had numbed
and blunted the sense of the smart, and given me
to feel the titillating inspersion of balsamic sweets,
drew from me the delicious return, and brought
down all my passion, that I arrived at excess of
pleasure through excess of pain. But, when succes-
sive engagements had broke and inured me, I
began to enter into the true unallayed relish of that
pleasure of pleasures, when the warm gush darts
through all the ravished inwards; what floods of
bliss! what melting transports! what agonies of
delight! too fierce, too mighty for nature to sus-
tain !... well has she therefore, no doubt, provided
the relief of a delicious momentary dissolution, the
— 75 —
approaches of which are intimated by a dear deli-
rium, a sweet thrill, on the point of emitting those
liquid sweets, in which enjoyment itself is drowned,
when one gives the languishing stretch out, and
dies at the discharge.
How often, when the rage and tumult of my
senses had subsided, after the melting flow, have I,
in a tender meditation, asked myself cooly the
question, if it was in nature for any of its creatures
to be so happy as I was ? Or, what were all fears of
the consequence, put in the scale of one night's
enjoyment, of any thing so transcendently the taste
of my eyes and heart, as that delicious, fond, match-
less youth?
Thus we spent the whole afternoon, till supper
time, in a continued circle of love delights, kissing,
turtle-billing, toying, and all the rest of the feast. At
length, supper was served in, before which Charles
had, for I do not know what reason, slipped his
doaths on; and sitting down by the bed side, we
made table and table cloth of the bed and sheets,
whilst he suffered nobody to attend or serve but
himself. He eat with a very good appetite, and
seemed charmed to see me eat. For my part, I was
so transported with the comparison of the delights
I now swam in, with the insipidity of all my past
scenes of life, that I thought them sufficiently cheap,
at even the price of my ruin, or the risk of their
not lasting. The present possession was all my
little head could find room for.
We lay together that night, when, after playing
repeated prizes of pleasure, nature, overspent and
satisfied, gave us up to the arms of sleep: those of
my dear youth encircled me, the consciousness of
which made even that sleep more delicious.
Late in the morning I waked first; and observing
my lover slept profoundly, softly disengaged
myself from his arms, scarcely daring to breath,
for fear of shortning his repose; my cap, my
hair, my shift, were all in disorder, from the
rufHings I had undergone; and I took this oppor-
tunity to adjust and set them as well as I could:
whilst, every now and then, looking at the sleeping
youth, with inconceivable fondness and delight,
and reflecting on all the pain he had put me to,
tacitly owned that the pleasure had overpaid me for
my sufferings.
It was then broad day. I was sitting up in the
bed, the cloaths of which were all tossed, or rolled
off, by the unquietness of our motions, from the
sultry heat of the weather; nor could I refuse my-
self a pleasure that solicited me so irresistibly, as this
fair occasion of feasting my sight with all those
treasures of youthful beauty I had enjoyed, and
which lay now almost entirely naked, his shirt
being trussed up in a perfect wisp, which the
warmth of the season and room made me easy
about the consequence of. I hung over him enam-
oured indeed! [and devoured all his naked charms
with only two eyes, when I could have wished
them at least an hundred, for the fuller enjoyment
of the gaze.
— 77 —
Oh! could I paint his figure as I see it now,
still present to my transported imagination! a
whole length of an all-perfect manly beauty in full
view. Think of a face without a fault, glowing with
all the opening bloom and verdant freshness of an
age, in which beauty is of either sex, and which
the first down over his upper lip scarce began to
distinguish.
The parting of jthe double ruby pout of his hps
seemed to exhale an air sweeter and purer than
what it drew in: ah! what violence did it not cost
me to refrain the so tempted kiss!
Then a neck exquisitely turned, graced behind
and on the sides with his hair, playing freely in
natural ringlets, connected his head to a body of
the most perfect form, and of the most vigorous
contexture, in which all the strength of manhood
was concealed, and softened to appearance by the
delicacy of his complexion, the smoothness of his
skin, and the plumpness of his flesh.
The platform of his snow white bosom, that was
laid out in a manly proportion, presented, on the
vermilion summit ot each pap, the idea ot a rpse
about to blow*
Nor did his shirt hinder me from observing that
symmetry of his limbs, that exactness of shape, in
the fall of it towards the loins, where the waist ends
and the rounding swell of the hips commences;
where the skin, sleek, smooth, and dazzling white,
burnishes on the stretch-over firm, plump, ripe flesh,
that crimped and ran into dimples at the least
- 7« -
pressure, or that the touch could not rest upon,
but slid over as on the surface of the most polished
ivory.
His thighs, finely fashioned, and with a florid
glossy roundness, gradually tapering away to the
knees, seemed pillars worthy to support that
beauteous frame; at the bottom of which I could not,
without some remains of terror, some tender emo-
tions too, fix my eyes on that terrible machine,
which had, not long before, with such fury broke
into, torn, and almost ruined those soft, tender
parts of mine, that had not yet done smarting with
the effects of its rage; but behold it now I crest
fallen, reclining its half caped vermilion head over
one of his thighs, quiet, pliant, and to all appear-
ance incapable of the mischiefs and cruelty it had
committed. Then the beautiful growth of the hair,
in short and soft curls round its roots, its white-
ness, branched veins, the supple softness of the
shaft, as it lay fore-shortened, rolled and shrunk up
into a squab thickness, languid, and borne up from
between his thighs, by its globular appendage,
that wondrous treasure bag of nature's sweets,
which revelled round, and pursed up in the only
wrinkles that are known to please, perfected the
prospect, and altogether formed the most interest-
ing moving picture in nature, and surely infinitely
superior to those nudities furnished by the painters,
statuaries, or any art, which are purchased at
immense prices; whilst the sight of them in actual
life is scarce sovereignly tasted by any but the few
— 79 —
whom nature has endowed with a fire of imagina-
tion, warmly pointed by a truth of judgment to the
spring head, the originals of beauty, of nature's
unequalled composition, above all the imitations of
art, or the reach of wealth to pay their price.
But every thing must have an end. A motion
made by this angelic youth, in the listlessness of
going-off sleep, replaced his shirt and the bed
cloaths in a posture that shut up that treasury from
longer view.
I lay down then, and carrying my hands to that
part of me in which the objects just seen had begun
to raise a mutiny, that prevailed over the smart
of them, my fingers now opened themselves an
easy passage; but long I had not time to consider
the wide difference there*, between the maid and
the now finished woman, before Charles waked,
and turning towards me, kindly enquired how I
had rested ? and, scarce giving me time to answer,
imprinted on my lips one of his burning rapture
kisses, which darted a flame to my heart, that from
thence radiated to every part of me; and presently,
as if he had proudly meant revenge for the survey I
had smuggled of all his naked beauties, he spurns
of! the bed cloaths, and trussing up my shift as
high as it would go, took his turn to feast his eyes
on all the gifts nature had bestowed on my person;
his busy hands, too, ranged intemperately over
every part of me. The delicious austerity and hard-
ness of my yet unripe budding breasts, the whiteness
and firmness of my flesh, the freshness and regularity
of my features, the harmony of my limbs, all seemed
to confirm him in his satisfaction with his bargain;
bnt when curious to explore the havock he had
made in the centre of his over fierce attack, he not
only directed his hands there, but with a pillow
put under, placed me favourably for his wanton
purpose of inspection. Then, who can express the
fire his eyes glistened, his hands glowed with I
whilst sighs of pleasure, and tender broken exclama-
tions, were all the praises he could utter. By this
time his machine, stiffly risen at me, gave me to
see it in its highest state and bravery. He feels it
himself, seems pleased at its condition, and, smiling
loves and graces, seizes one of my hands, and
carries it, with a gentle compulsion, to this pride
of nature, ana its richest master piece.
I, struggling faintly, could not help feeling what
I could not grasp, a column of the whitest ivory,
beautifully streaked with blue veins, and carrying,
fully uncapt, a head of the liveliest vermilion : no
horn could be harder or stifier; yet no velvet more
smooth or delicious to the touch. Presently he
guided my hand lower, to that part in which nature
and pleasure keep their stores in concert, so aptly
fastened and hung on to the root of their first
instrument and minister, that not improperly he
might be stiled their purse bearer too: there he
made me feel distinctly, through their soft cover,
the contents, a pair of roundish balls, that seemed
to play within, and elude all pressure, but the ten-
derest, from without*
— 81 —
ii
But now this visit of my soft, warm hand, in
those so sensible parts, had put every thing into
such ungovernable fury, that, disdaining all further
preluding, and taking advantage of my commodious
posture, he made the storm fall where I scarce
patiently expected, and where he was sure to lay
it : presently, then, I felt the stiff intersection
between the yielding, divided lips of the wound,
now open for life; where the narrowness no longer
put me to intolerable pain, and afforded my lover
no more difficulty than what heightened his plea-
sure, in the strict embrace of that tender, warm
sheath, round the instrument it was so delicatry
adjusted to, and which now cased home, so gorged
me with pleasure, that it perfectly suffocated me
and took away my breath; then the killing thrusts!
the unnumbered kisses 1 every one of which was a
joy inexpressible; and that joy lost in a crowd of
yet greater blisses! But this was a disorder too
violent in nature to last long : the vessels, so
stirred and intensely heated, soon boiled over, and
for that time put out the fire; mean while all this '
dalliance and disport had so far consumed the
morning, that it became a kind of necessity to lay
breakfast and dinner into one.
In our calmer intervals Charles gave the follow-
ing account of himself, every tittle of which was
true. He was the only son of a father, who, having
a small post in the revenue, rather overlived his
income, and had given this young gentleman a
very slender education : no profession had he bred
— 82 —
him up to, but designed to provide for him in the
army, by purchasing him an ensign's commission,
that is to say, provided he could raise the money,
or procure it by interest, either of which clauses
was rather to be wished than hoped for by him. On no
better a plan, however, had this improvident father
suffered this youth, a youth of great promise, to
run up to the age of manhood, or near it at least,
in next to idleness; and had, besides, taken no sort
of pains to give him even the common premoni-
tions against the vices of the town, and the dangers
of all sorts which wait the unexperienced and
unwary in it. He lived at home, and at discretion
with his father, who himself kept a mistress; and
for the rest, provided Charles did not ask him for
money, he was indolently kind to him : he might
lie out when he pleased; any excuse would serve,
and even his reprimands were so slight, that they
carried with them rather an air of connivance at
the fault, than any serious control or constraint.
But, to supply his calls for money, Charles, whose
mother was dead, had, by her side, a grandmother,
who doated upon him. She had a considerable
annuity to live on, and very regularly parted with
every shilling she could spare, to this darling of
tier's, to the no little heart-burn of his father; who
was vexed, not that she, by this means, fed his
son's extravagance, but that she preferred Charles
to himself; and we shall too soon see what a fatal
turn such a mercenary jealousy could operate on
the breast of a father.
- 83 -
Charles was, however, by the means of his grand-
mother's lavish fondness, very sufficiently enabled
to keep a mistress, so easily contented as my love
made me; and my good fortune, for such I must
ever call it, threw me in his way, in the manner
above related, just as he was on the look-out for
one.
As to temper, the even sweetness of it made him
seem born for domestic happiness: tender, natur-
ally polite, and gentle-manner'd; it could never
be his fault, if ever jars, or animosities ruffled a
calm he was so qualified every way to maintain or
restore. Without those great or shining qualities
that constitute a genius, or are fit to make a noise
in the world, he had all those humble ones that
compose the softer social merit : plain common
sense, set oft with every grace of modesty and good
nature, made him, if not admired, what is much
happier, universally beloved and esteemed. But, as
nothing but the beauties of his person had at first
attracted my regard and fixed my passion, neither
was I then a judge of that internal merit, which I
had afterwards full occasion to discover, and which,
perhaps, in that season of giddiness and levity,
would have touched my heart very little, had it
been lodged in a person less the delight of my eyes,
and idol of my senses. But to return to our situa-
tion.
After dinner, which we ate a-bed in a most
voluptuous disorder, Charles got up, and taking a
passionate leave of me for a few hours, he went to
- 84 -
town, where concerting matters with a young sharp
lawyer, they went together to my late venerable
mistress's, from whence I had, but the day before,
made my elopement, and with whom he was deter-
mined to settle accounts, in a manner that should
cut off all after reckonings from that quarter.
Accordingly they went; but by the way, the
Templer, his friend,1 on thinking over Charles's
information, saw reason to give their visit another
turn, and, instead of offering satisfaction, to
demand it.
On being let in, the girls of the house flocked
round Charles, whom they knew, and from the
earliness of my escape, and their perfect ignorance
of his ever having so much as seen me, not having
the least suspicion of his being accessary to my
flight, they were, in their way, making up to him;
and as to his companion, they took him probably
for a fresh cully. But the Templer soon checked
their forwardness, by enquiring for the old lady,
with whom he said, with a grave judge-like counte-
nance, that he had some business to settle.
Madam was immediately sent for down, and the
ladies being desired to clear the room, the lawyer
asked her, severely, if she did know, or had not
decoyed, under pretence of hiring as a servant, a
young girl, just come out of the country, called
Frances or Fanny Hill, describing me withal as
particulary as he could from Charles's description.
It is peculiar to vice to tremble at the enquiries
of justice : and Mrs. Brown, whose conscience was
- 8s -
not entirely clear upon my account, as knowing as
she was of the town, as hackneyed as she was in
buffing through all the dangers of her vocation, could
not help being alarmed at the question, especially
when he went on to talk of a justice of peace,
Newgate, the Old Baily, indictments for keeping a
disorderly house, pillory, carting, and the whole
process of that nature. She, who, it is likely, imagin-
ed I had lodged an information against her house,
looked extremely blank, and began to make a thou-
sand protestations and excuses. However, to abridge,
they brought away triumphantly my box of things,
which, had she not been under an awe, she might
have disputed with them; and not only that, but
a clearance and discharge of any demands on the
house, at the expense of no more than a bowl of
arrack punch, the treat of which, together with
the choice of the house conveniences, was offered
and not accepted. Charles all the time acted the
chance companion of the lawyer, who had brought
him there, as he knew the house, and appeared in
no wise interested in the issue; but he had the
colateral pleasure of hearing all that I had told him
verified, so far as the bawd's fears would give her
leave to enter into my history, which, if one may
guess by the composition she so readily came into,
were not small.
Phoebe, my kind tutress Phoebe, was at that
time gone out, perhaps in search of me, or their
cooked up story had not, it is probable, passed so.
smoothly.
_- 86 —
This negotiation had, however, taken up some
time, which would have appeared much longer to
me, left, as I was, in a strange house, if the land-
lady, a motherly sort of a woman, to whom
Charles had liberally recommended me, had not
come up and borne me company. We drank tea,
and her chat helped to pass away the time very
agreeably, since he was our theme; but as the
evening deepened, and the hour set for his return
was elapsed, I could not dispel the gloom of im-
patience, and tender fears which gathered upon me,
and which our timid sex are apt to feel in pro-
portion to their love.
Long, however, I did not suffer : the sight of
him over paid me; and the soft reproach I had
prepared for him, expired before it reached my lips.
I was still a-bed, yet unable to use my legs
otherwise than awkwardly, and Charles flew to me,
catches me in his arms, raised and extending mine
to meet his dear embrace, and gives me an account,
interrupted by many a sweet parenthesis of kisses,
of the success of his measures.
I could not help laughing at the fright the old
woman had been put into, which my ignorance,
and indeed my want of innocence, had far from
prepared me for bespeaking. She had, it seems,
apprehended that I fled for shelter to some relation
I had recollected in town, on my dislike of their
ways and proceedings towards me, and that this
application came from thence : for, as Charles had
rightly judged, not one neighbour had, at that still
- 87 -
hoar, seen the circumstance of my escape into the
coach, or, at least, noticed him; neither had any in
the house, the least hint or clue of suspicion of my
having spoke to him, much less of my having clapt
up such a sudden bargain with a perfect stranger :
thus the greatest improbability is not always what
we should most mistrust.
We supped with all the gaiety of two young
giddy creatures at the top of their desires; and as I
had given up to Charles the whole charge of my
future happiness, I thought of nothing beyond the
exquisite pleasure of possessing him.
He came to bed in due time; and this second
night, the pain being pretty well over, I tasted, in
full draughts, all the transports of perfect enjoy-
ment : I swam, I bathed in bliss, till both fell fast
asleep, through the natural consequences of satisfied
desires, and appeased flames; nor did we wake but
to renewed raptures.
Thus, making the most of love, and life, did we
stay in this lodging in Chelsea about ten days; in
which time Charles took care to give his excursions
from home a favourable gloss, and to keep his
footing with his fond indulgent grandmother, from
whom he drew constant and sufficient supplies for
the charge I was to him, and which was very trifl-
ing, in comparison with his former less regular
course of pleasure.
Charles removed me then to a private ready fur-
nished lodging in D.....street, St. James's, where
he paid half a guinea a week for two rooms and a
— 88 —
closet on the second floor, which he had been some
time looking ont for, and was more convenient for
the frequency of his visits, than where he had at
first placed me, in a house, which I cannot say but
I left with regret, as it was infinitely endeared to me
by the first possession of my Charles, and the
circumstance of losing, there, that jewel, which can
never be twice lost. The landlord, however, had no
reason to complain of any thing, but of a procedure
in Charles too liberal not to make him regret the
loss of us.
Arrived at our new lodgings, I remember I
thought them extremely fine, though ordinary
enough, even at that price; but, had it been a
dungeon that Charles had brought me to, his
presence would have made it a little Versailles.
The landlady, Mrs. Jones, waited on us to our
apartment, and, with great volubility of tongue,
explained to us all its conveniences : « that her
» own maid should wait on us... that the best of
» quality had lodged at her house... that her first
» floor was let to a foreign secretary of an embassy,
» and his lady... that I looked like a very good
» natured lady... » At the word lady, I blushed out
of flattered vanity : this was too strong for a girl of
my condition; for though Charles had had the pre-
caution of dressing me in a less taudry flaunting
stile than were the cloaths I escaped to him in,
and of passing me for his wife, that he had secretly .
married, and kept private (the old story) on account
of his friends, I dare swear this appeared extremely
- 89-
12
apocryphal to a woman who knew the town so well
as she did; but that was the least of her concern :
it was impossible to be less scruple-ridden than she
was; and the advantage of letting her rooms being
her sole object, the truth itself would have far from
scandalized her, or broke her bargain.
A sketch of her picture, and personal history,
will dispose you to account for the part she is to
act in my concern.
She was about forty six years-old, tall, meagre,
red haired, with one of those trivial ordinary laces
you meet with every where, and go about unheeded
and unmentioned. In her youth she had been kept
by a gentleman, who, dying, left her forty pounds
a year during her life, in consideration of a daughter
he had by her : which daughter, at the age of
seventeen, she sold, for not a very considerable
sum neither, to a gentleman who was going an
envoy abroad, and took his purchase with him,
where he used her with the utmost tenderness, and,
it is thought, was secretly married to her: but had
constantly made a point of her not keeping up the
least correspondence with a mother base enough
to make a market of her own flesh and blood.
However, as she had no nature, nor, indeed, any
passion but that of money, this gave her no further
uneasiness, than, as she thereby lost a handle oi
squeezing presents, or other after advantages out
of the bargain. Indifferent then, by nature of consti-
tution, to every other pleasure but that of increasing
the lump, by any means whatever, she commenced
— 9° —
a kind of private procuress, for which she was not
amiss fitted, by her grave decent appearance, and
sometimes did a job in the match-making way; in
short, there was nothing that appeared to her under
the shape of gain, that she would not have under-
taken. She knew most of the ways of the town,
having not only herself been upon, but kept up
constant intelligences in promoting a harmony be-
tween the two sexes, in private pawn-broking, and
other profitable secrets. She rented the house she
lived in, and made the most of it, by letting it out
in lodgings; though she was worth, at least, near
three or four thousand pounds, she would not
allow herself even the necessaries of life, and pinned
her subsistence entirely on what she could squeeze
out of her lodgers.
When she saw such a young pair come under
her roof, her immediate notions, doubtless, were
how she should make the most money of us, by
every means that money might be made, and which,
she rightly judged, our situation and inexperience
would soon beget her occasions of.
In this hopeful sanctuary, and under the clutches
of this harpy, did we pitch our residence. It will
not be mighty material to you, or very pleasant to
me, to enter into a detail of all the petty cut-throat
ways and means with which she used to fleece us;
all which Charles indolently chose to bear with,
rather than take the trouble of removing, the diffe-
rence of expense being scarce attended to by a
young gentleman who had no ideas of stint, or even
- 9i —
economy, and a raw country girl who knew nothing
of the matter.
Here, however, under the wings of my sove-
reignly beloved, did the most delicious hours of
my life flow on; my Charles I had, and, in him,
every thing my fond heart could wish or desire.
He carried me to plays, operas, masquerades, and
every diversion of the town; all which pleased me,
indeed, but pleased me infinitely the more for his
being with me, and explaining every thing to me,
and enjoying, perhaps, the natural impressions of
surprize and admiration, which such sights, at the
first, never fail to excite in a country girl, new to
the delights of them; but to me, they sensibly
proved the power and dominion of the sole passion
of my heart over me, a passion in which soul and
body were concentered, and left me no room for
any other relish of life but love.
As to the men I saw at those places, or at any
other, they suffered so much in the comparison my
eyes made of them with my all-perfect Adonis, that
I had not the infidelity even of one wandering
thought to reproach myself with upon his account*
He was the universe to me, and all that was not
him, was nothing to me.
My love, in fine, was so excessive, that it
arrived at annihilating every suggestion or kindl-
ing spark of jealousy; for, one idea only, tending
that way, gave me such exquisite torment, that my
self-love, and dread of worse than death, made me
for ever renounce and defy it: nor had I, indeed,
— 92 —
occasion; for, were I to enter here on the recital
of several instances wherein Charles sacrificed to
me women of much greater importance than I dare
hint (which, considering his form, was no such
wonder), I might, indeed, give you full proof of his
unshaken constancy to me : but would not you
accuse me of warming up again a feast, which my
vanity ought long ago to have been satisfied with ?
In our cessations from active pleasure, Charles
framed himself one, in instructing me, as far as his
own lights reached, in a great many points of life,
that I was, in consequence of my no-education,
perfectly ignorant of: nor did I suffer one word to
fell in vain from the mouth of my lovely teacher :
I hung on every syllable he uttered, and received,
as oracles, all he said; whilst kisses were all the
interruption I could not refuse myself the, pleasure
of admitting, from lips that breathed more than
Arabian sweetness.
I was in a little time enabled, by the progress I
had made, to prove the deep regard I had paid to
all that he had said to me : repeating it to him
almost word for word; and to shew that I was not
entirely the parrot, but that I reflected upon, that
I entered into it, I joined my own comments, and
asked him questions of explanation.
My country accent, and the rusticity of my gait,
manners, and deportment, began now sensibly to
wear off: so quick was my observation, and so
efficacious my desire of growing every day worthier
of his heart.
— 93 —
As to money, though he brought me constantly
all he received, it was with difficulty he even got
me to give it room in my bureau; and what cloaths
I had, he could prevail on me to accept of on no
other foot, than that of pleasing him by the greater
nearness in my dress, beyond which I had no
ambition. I could have made a pleasure of the
greatest toil, and worked my fingers to the bone,
with joy, to have supported him : guess, then, if I
could harbour any idea of being burthen some to
him; and this disinterested turn in me was so
unaffected, so much the dictate of my heart, that
Charles could not but feel it; and if he did not love
me as much as I did him (which was the constant
and only matter of sweet contention between us),
he managed so, at least, as to give me the satis*
faction of believing it impossible for man to be
more tender, more true, more faithful than he was.
Our landlady, Mrs. Jones, came frequently up to
my apartment, from whence I never stirred on any
pretext without Charles; nor was it long before she
wormed out, without much art, the secret of our
having cheated the church of a ceremony, and, in
course, of the terms we lived together upon; a
circumstance which far from displeased her, consider-
ing the designs she had upon me, and which, alas I
she will have too soon room to carry into execution*
But in the mean time, her own experience of life
let her see, that any attempt, however indirect or
disguised, to divert or break, at least presently, so
strong a cement of hearts as ours was, could only
— 94 ~
i
end in losing two lodgers, of whom she had made
very competent advantages, if either of as came to
smoke her commission, for a commission she had
from one of her customers, either to debanch, or
get me away from my keeper at any rate.
Bnt the barbarity of my fete soon saved her the
task of disuniting ns. I had now been eleven months
with this life of my life, which had 'passed in one
continued rapid stream of delight: but nothing so
violent was ever made to last. I was about three
months gone with child by him, a circumstance
which would have added to his tenderness, had he
ever left me room to believe it could receive an
addition, when the mortal, the unexpected blow of
separation fell upon us. I shall gallop post over the
particulars, which I shudder yet to think of, and
cannot, to this instant, reconcile myself how, or
by what means I could out-live it.
Two live-long days had I lingered through with-
out hearing from him, I who breathed, who existed
but in him, and had never yet seen twenty-four
hours pass without seeing or hearing from him.
The third day my impatience was so strong, my
alarms had been so severe, that I perfectly sickentd
with them; and being unable to support the shock
longer, I sunk upon the bed, and ringing for Mrs.
Jones, who had far from comforted me under my
anxieties, she came up, and I had scarce breath and
spirit enough to find words to beg of her, if she
would save my life, to fell upon some means of
finding out, instantly, what was become of its only
— 95 —
prop and comfort. She pitied me in a way that
rather sharpened my affliction than suspended it,
and went oat upon this commission.
For she had but to go to Charles's house, who
lived but an easy distance, in one of the streets
that run into Covent Garden. There she went into
a public house, and from thence sent for a maid
servant, whose name I had given her, as the pro-
perest to inform her.
The maid readily came, and as readily, when
Mrs. Jones enquired of her what had become of
Mr. Charles, or whether he was gone out of town,
acquainted her with the disposal of her master's
son, which, the very day after, was no secret to
the servants. Such sure measures had he taken,
for the most cruel punishment of his child for hav-
ing more interest with his grand-mother than he
had, though he made use of a pretence, plausible
enough, to get rid of him in this secret abrupt
manner, for fear her fondness should have inter-
posed a bar to his leaving England, and proceeding
on a voyage he had concerted for him; which pre-
text was, that it was indispensibly necessary to
secure a considerable inheritance that devolved to
him by the death of a rich merchant (his own
brother) at one of the factories in the South Seas,
of which he had lately received advice, together
with a copy of the will.
In consequence of which resolution, to send
away his son, he had, unknown to him, made the
necessary preparations for fitting him out, struck a
-96 -
bargain with the captain of a ship, whose punctual
execution of his orders he had secured, by his
interest with his principle owners and patron; and,
in short, concerted his measures so secretly, and
effectually, that whilst his son thought he was
going down the river, that would take him a few
hours, he was stopt on board of a ship, debarred
from writing, and more strictly watched than a State
criminal.
Thus was the idol of my soul torn from me, and
forced on a long voyage, without taking leave of
one friend, or receiving one line of comfort,
except a dry explanation and instructions, from his
father, how to proceed when he should arrive at
his destined port, enclosing, withal, some letters of
recommendation to a factor there : all these par-
ticulars I did not learn minutely till some time
after.
The maid, at the same time, added, that she was
sure this usage of her sweet young master would
be the death of his grand-mamma, as indeed it
proved true; for the old lady, on hearing it, did
not survive the news a whole month, and as her
fortune consisted in an annuity, out of which she
had laid up no reserves, she left nothing worth
mentioning to her so fatally envied darling, but
absolutely refused to see his father before she died.
When Mrs. Jones returned, and I observed
her looks, they seemed so unconcerned, and
even nearest to pleased, that I half flattered
myself she was going to set my tortured heart at
— 97 —
ease, by bringing me good news; but this, indeed,
was a cruel delusion of hope : the barbarian, with
all the coolness imaginable, stabs me to the heart,
in telling me, succinctly, that he was sent away, at
least, on a four year's voyage (here she stretched
maliciously), and that I could not expect, in reason,
ever to see him again : and all this with such
pregnant circumstances, that I could not escape
giving them credit, as they were, indeed, too true I
She had hardly finished her report before I feinted
away, and after several successive fits, all the while
wild and senseless, I miscarried of the dear pledge
of my Charles's love : but the wretched never die
when it is fittest they should die, and women are
hard-lived to a proverb.
The cruel and interested care taken to recover
me, saved an odious life; which, instead of the
happiness and joys it had overflowed in, all of a
sudden presented no view before me of any thing
but the depth of misery, horror, and the sharpest
afflicuon.
Thus I lay six weeks, in the struggles of youth
and constitution, against the friendly efforts of
death, which I constantly invoked to my relief and
deliverance; but which proved too weak for my
wish. I recovered at length, but into a state of stu-
pefaction and despair, that threatened me with the
loss of my senses, and a mad house.
Time, however, that great comforter in ordinary,
began to assuage the violence of my suffering, and
to numb my feeling of them. My health returned
- 9« -
to me, though I still retained an air of grief, de-
jection, and languor, which taking off from the
ruddiness of my country complexion, rendered it
rather more delicate and affecting.
The landlady had all this while officiously pro-
vided, and seen that I wanted for nothing : and as
soon as she saw me retrieved into a condition of
answering her purpose, one day, after we had
dined together, she congratulated me on my reco-
very, the merit of which she took entirely to her- .
self, and all this by way of introduction to a most
terrible, and scurvy epilogue : « You are now, »
says she, « Miss Fanny, tolerably well, and you are
» very welcome to stay in these lodgings as long as
» you please; you see I have asked you for nothing
» this long time, but truly I have a call to make up
» a sum of money, which must be answered. »
And, with that, presents me with a bill of arrears
for rent, diet, apothecaries' charges, nurse, etc.,
sum total twenty-three pounds, seventeen and six-
pence : towards discharging of which, I had not in
the world (which she well knew) more than seven
guineas, left by chance, of my dear Charles's
common stock, with me. At the same time, she
desired me to tell her what course I would take for
payment. I burst out into a flood of tears, and told
her my condition : that I would sell what few
cloaths I had, and that, for the rest, would pay her
as soon as possible. But my distress, being favour-
able to her views, only stiffened her the more.
She told me, very coolly, that « she was indeed
99
» sorry for my misfortunes, but that she must do
» herself justice, though it would go to the very
» heart of her to send such a tender young creature
0 to prison.....» At the word « prison! » every drop
of my blood chilled, and my fright acted so strongly
upon me, that, turning as pale and feint as a crimi-
nal at the first sight of his place of execution, I was
on the point of swooning. My landlady, who
wanted only to terrify me to a certain point, and
not to throw me into a state of body inconsistent
with her designs upon it, began to sooth me again,
and told me, in a tone composed to more pity and
gentleness, that « it would be my own fault, if she
» was forced to proceed to such extremities; but
» she believed there was a friend to be found in
» the world, who would make up matters to both
» our satisfactions, and that she would bring him
» to drink tea with us mat very afternoon, when
» she hoped we would come to a right understand-
» ing in our affairs. » Jo all this, not a word of
answer : I sat mute, confounded, terrified.
Mrs. Jones, however, judging rightly that it was
time to strike while the impressions were so strong
upon me, left me to myself and to all the terrors of
an imagination, wounded to death by the idea of
g6ing to prison, and, from a* principle of self pre-
servation, snatching at every glimpse of redemption
from it.
In mis situation I sat near half an hour, swal-
lowed up in grief and despair, when my landlady
came in, and observing a death-like dejection in my
— 100 —
countenance, still in pursuance of her plan, put on
a false pity, and bidding me be of good heart :
« Things, » she said, « would not be so bad as I
» imagined, if I would be but my own friend; » and
closed with telling me « she had brought a very
» honourable gentleman to drink tea with me, who
» would give me the best advice how to get rid of
» all my troubles. » Upon which, without waiting
for a reply, she goes out, and returns with this
very honourable gentleman, whose very honourable
procuress she had been, on this, as well as other
occasions.
The gentleman, on his entering the room, made
me a very civil bow, which I had scarce strength,
or presence of mind enough to return a curtsey to :
when the landlady, taking upon her to do all the
honours of the first interview (for I had never, that
I remember, seen the gentleman before), sets a
chair for him, another for herself. All this while
not a word on either side : a stupid stare was all
the free I could put on this strange visit.
The tea was made, and the landlady, unwilling,
I suppose, to lose any time, observing my silence
and shyness before this entire stranger : « Come,
» Miss Fanny,» says she, in a coarse familiar style,
and tone of authority, « hold up your head, child,
» and do not let sorrow spoil that pretty free of
» yours. What! sorrows are only for a time; come,
» be free, here is a worthy gentleman who has
» heard of your misfortunes, and is willing to serve
» you: you must be better acquainted with him, do
— 101 —
» not you now stand upon your punctilios, and
» this and that, but make your market while you
» may.»
At this so delicate, and eloquent harangue, the
gentleman, who saw I looked frighted and amazed,
and, indeed, incapable of answering, took her up
for breaking things in so abrupt a manner, as
rather to shock than incline me to an acceptance of
the good he intended me; then, addressing himself
to me, told me « he was perfectly acquainted with
» my whole story, and every circumstance of my
» distress, which he owned was a cruel plunge for
» one of my youth and beauty to fall into;.... that
» he had long taken a liking to my person, for
» which he appealed to Mrs. Jones, there present;
» but finding me so deeply engaged to another, he
» had lost all hopes of succeeding, till he had heard
» the sudden reverse of fortune that had happened
» to me, on which he had given particular orders
» to my landlady to see that I should want for no-
» thing; and that, had he not been forced abroad
» to the Plague, on affairs he could not refuse him-
» self to, he would himself have attended me
» during my sickness;.... that on his return, which
» was but the day before, he had, on learning my
» recovery, desired my landlady's good offices to
» introduce him to me, and was as angry, at least,
» as I was shocked, at the manner in which she
» had conducted herself towards obtaining him
» that happiness; but, that to show me how much
» he disdained her procedure, and how far he was
— 102 —
» from taking any ungenerous advantage of my sit-
» nation, and from exacting any security for my
» gratitude, he would before my free, that instant,
» discharge my debt entirely to my landlady, and
» give me her receipt in full; after which I should
» be at liberty either to reject or grant his suit, as
» he was much above putting any force upon my
» inclinations. »
Whilst he was exposing his sentiments to me, I
ventured just to look up to him, and observed his
figure, which was that of a very well looking
gentleman, well made, of about forty, dressed in a
suit of plain cloaths, with a large diamond ring on
one of his fingers, the lustre of which played in my
eyes, as he waved his hand in talking, and raised
my notions of his importance. In short, he might
pass for what is commonly called a comely black
man, with an air of distinction natural to his birth
and condition.
To all his speeches, however, I answered only
in tears that flowed plentifully to my relief, and
choaking up my voice, excused me from speaking,
very luckily, for I should not have known what to
say.
The sight, however, moved him, as he afterwards
told me, irresistibly, and by way of giving me some
reason to be less powerfully afflicted, he drew out his
purse, and calling for pen and ink, which the land-
lady was prepared for, paid her every frrthing of
her demand, independent of a liberal gratification
which was to follow unknown to me, and taking a
— 103 —
receipt in rail, very tenderly forced me to secure it,
by guiding my hand, which he had thrust it into,
so as to make me passively put it into my pocket.
Still I continued in a state of stupidity, or melan-
cholic despair, as my spirits could not yet recover
from the violent shocks they had received; and the
commode landlady had actually left the room, and
me alone with this strange gentleman, before I had
observed it, and then I observed it without alarm,
for I was now lifeless, and indifferent to every
thing.
The gentleman, however, no novice in affairs ot
this sort, drew near me; and, under the pretence
ot
comforting me, first with his handkerchief dried my
tears as they ran down my cheeks: presently he ven-
tured to kiss me; on my part, neither resistance nor
compliance. I sat stock still; and now looking on
myself as bought by the payment that had been
transacted before me, I did not care what became
of my wretched body : and wanting life, spirits, or
courage to oppose the least struggle, even that of
the modesty of my sex, I suffered, tamely, what-
ever the gentleman pleased; who proceeding insen-
sibly from freedom to freedom, insmuating his
hand between my handkerchief and bosom, which
he handled at discretion : finding thus no repulse,
and mat every thing favoured, beyond expectation,
the completion of his desires, he took me in his
arms, and bore me, without life or motion, to the
bed, on which laying me gently down, and having
me at what advantage he pleased, I did not so
much as know what he was about, till recovering
from a trance of lifeless insensibility, I found him
buried in me, whilst I lay passive and innocent of
the least sensations of pleasure: a death-cold corpse
could scarce have less life or sense in it. As soon
as he had thus pacified a passion which had too
little respected the condition I was in, he got off,
and after recomposing the disorder of my cloaths,
employed himself with the utmost tenderness to
calm the transports of remorse and madness at my-
self, with which I was seized, too late, I confess,
for having suffered, on that bed, the embraces of
an utter stranger. I tore my hair, wrung my hands,
and beat my breast like a mad woman. But when
my new master, for in that light I then viewed him,
applied himself to appease me, as my whole rage
was levelled at myself, no part of which I thought
myself permitted to aim at him, I begged of him
with more submission than anger, to leave me
alone, that I might, at least, enjoy my affliction in
quiet. This he positively refused, for fear, as he
pretended, I should do myself a mischief.
Violent passions seldom last long, and those of
women least of any. A dead still calm succeeded
this storm, which ended in a profuse shower of
tears.
Had any one, but a few instants before, told me
that I should have ever known any man but
Charles, I would have spit in his free; or had I been
offered infinitely a greater sum of money than that
I saw paid for me, I had spurned the proposal in
— 10$ —
cold blood. But our virtues and our vices depend
too much on our circumstances; unexpectedly beset
as I was, betrayed by a mind weakened by a long
severe affliction, and stunned with the terrors of a
goal, my defeat will appear the more excusable;
since I certainly was not present at, or a party in
any sense, to it. However, as the first enjoyment is
decisive, and he was now over the bar, I thought I
had no longer a right to refuse the caresses of one
that had got that advantage over me, no matter
how obtained; conforming myself then to this
maxim, I considered myself as so much in his
power, that I endured his kisses and embraces
without affecting struggles or anger; not that they,
as yet, gave me any pleasure, or prevailed over the
aversion of my soul, to give myself up to any sen-
sation of that sort: what I suffered, I suffered out of
a kind of gratitude, and as a matter of course after
what had passed.
He was, however, so regardful as not to attempt
the renewal of those extremities which had thrown
me, just before, into such violent agitations; but,
now secure of possession, contented himself with
bringing me to temper by degrees, and waiting at
the hand of time for those fruits of generosity and
courtship, which he since often reproached him-
self with having gathered much too green, when,
yielding to the invitations of my inability to resist
him, and overborne by desires, he had wreaked his
passion on a mere lifeless, spiritless body, dead to
all purposes of joy, since taking none, it ought to
be supposed incapable of giving any. This is, how-
ever, certain, my heart never thoroughly forgave
him the manner in which I had fallen to him,
altho', in point of interest, I had reason to be pleased
that he found, in my person, wherewithal to keep
him from leaving me as easily as he had had me.
The evening was, in the mean time, so far ad-
vanced, that the maid came in to lay the cloth for
supper, when I understood, with joy, that my
landlady, whose sight was present poison to me,
was not to be with us.
Presently a neat and elegant supper was intro-
duced, and a bottle of Burgundy, with the other
necessaries, were set on a dumb waiter.
The maid quitting the room, the gentleman in-
sisted, with a tender warmth, that I should sit up in
the elbow chair by the fire, and see him eat, if I
could not be prevailed on to eat myself. I obeyed
with a heart full of affliction, at the comparison it
made between those delicious tete-a-tetes with my
very dear youth, and this forced situation, this new
awkward scene, imposed and obtruded on me by
cruel necessity.
At supper, after a great many arguments used to
comfort and reconcile me to my fate, he told me
that his name was £T..., brother to the earl of
and that having, by the suggestions of my land-
lady, been led to see me, he had found me perfectly
to his taste, and given her a commission to procure
me at any rate, and that at length he had succeeded,
as much to his satisfaction as he passionately
— 107 —
wished it might be to mine; adding, withal, some
flattering assurances, that I should have no cause
to repent my knowledge of him.
I had now got down at least half a partridge,
and three or four glasses of wine, which he compelled
me to drink by way of restoring nature; but whe-
ther there was any thing extraordinary put into the
wine, or whether there wanted no more to revive
the natural warmth of my constitution, and give fire
to the old train, I began no longer to look with
that constraint, not to say disgust, on Mr. H.....,
which I had hitherto done; but, withal, there was
not the least grain of love mixed with this soften-
ing of my sentiments : any other man would have
been just the same to me as Mr. H....., that stood
in the same circumstances, and had done for me,
and with me, what he had done.
There are not, on earth at least, eternal grids;
mine were, if not at an end, at least suspended :
my heart, which had been so long overloaded with
anguish and vexation, began to dilate and open to
the hast gleam of diversion or amusement. I wept
a little, and my tears relieved me; I sighed, and my
sighs seemed to lighten me of a load that oppressed
me; my countenance grew, if not cheerful, at least
more composed and free.
Mr. H..., who had watched, perhaps brought on
this change, knew too well not to seize it : he
thrust the table imperceptibly from between us, and
bringing his chair to face me, he soon began, after
preparing me by all the endearments of assurances
io8
and protestations, to lay hold of my hands, to kiss
me, and once more to make free with my bosom;
which, being at fall liberty from the disorder of a
loose dishabille, now panted and throbbed, less with
indignation than with fear and bashfulness, at being
used so familiarly by still a stranger. Bat he soon
gave me greater occasion to exclaim, by stooping
down and slipping his hands above my garters;
thence he strove to regain the pass, which he had
before found so open, and unguarded : but now he
could not unlock the twist of my thighs; I gently
complained, and begged him to let me alone; told
him I was not well. However, he saw there was
more form and ceremony in my resistance, than
good earnest; he made his conditions for desisting
from pursuing his point, that I should be put in-
stantly to bed, whilst he gave certain orders to the
landlady, and that he would return in an hour,
when he hoped to find me more reconciled to his
passion for me, than I seemed at present. I neither
assented nor denied, but my air and manner of
receiving this proposal, gave him to
did not think myself enough my own
refuse it.
Accordingly he went out and left r
minute or two after, before I could recover myself
into any composure for thinking, the maid came in
with her mistress's service, and a small silver por-
ringer of what she called a bridal posset, and
desired me to eat it as I went to bed, which conse-
quently I did, and felt immediately a heat, a fire
see that I
mistress to
ie. when a
4
— 10$ —
run like a hue-and-cry through every part of my
body; I burnt, I glowed, and wanted even little of
wishing for any man.
The maid, as soon as I was lain down, took the
candle away, and wishing me a good night, went
out of the room, and shut the door after her.
She had hardly time to get down stairs, before
Mr. H..... opened my room door softly, and came
in, now undrest, in his night gown and cap, with
two lighted wax candles, and bolting the door, gave
me, though I expected him, some sort of alarm.
He came a tip-toe to the bed side, and saying with
a gentle whisper : « Pray, my dear, do not be
» startled.... I will be very tender and kind to
» you. » He then hurried oil his cloaths, and
leaped into bed, having given me openings enough,
whilst he was stripping, to observe his brawny
structure, strong made limbs, and rough shaggy
breast.
The bed shook again when .it received this new
load. He lay on the outside, where he kept the
candles burning, no doubt for the satisfaction of
every sense; for as soon as he had kissed me, he
rolled down the bed cloaths, and seemed transported
with the view of all my person at full length, which he
covered with a profusion of kisses, sparing no part
of me. Then, being on his knees between my
thighs, he drew up his shirt, and bared all his hairy
thighs, and stiff staring truncheon, red topt, and
rooted into a thicket of curls, which covered his
belly to the navel, and gave it the air of a flesh
brash; and soon I felt it joining close to mine,
when he had drove the nail up to the head, and
left no partition bnt the intermediate hair on both
sides.
I had it now, I felt it now; and, beginning to
drive, he soon gave nature such a powerful sum-
mons down to her favourite quarters, that she
could no longer refuse repairing thither: all my
animal spirits then rushed mechanically to that
center of attraction, and presently, inly warmed,
and stirred as I was beyond bearing, I lost all re-
straint, and yielding to the force of the emotion,
gave down, as mere woman, those effusions of
pleasure, which, in the strictness of still faithful
love, I could have wished to have kept in.
Yet oh! what an immense difference did I feel
between this impression of a pleasure merely animal,
and struck out of the collision of the sexes, by a
passive bodily effect, from that sweet fury, that rage
of active delight which crowns the enjoyments of a
mutual love passion, where two hearts, tenderly
and truly united, dub to exalt the joy, and give
ft a spirit and soul that bids defiance to that end
which mere momentary desires generally terminate
in, when they die of a surfeit of satisfaction 1
Mr. H....., whom no distinctions of that sort
seemed to distract, scarce gave himself or me
breathing time from die last encounter, but, as if
he had tasked himself to prove that the appearances
of his vigour were not signs hung out in vain, ra a
few minutes he was in a condition for renewing
Ill
the onset; to which, preluding with a storm of
kisses, he drove the same course as before, with
unbated fervour; and thus, in repeated engagements,
kept me constantly in exercise, till dawn of morn-
ing, in all which time he made me rally sensible of
the virtues of his firm texture of limbs, his square
shoulders, broad chest, compact hard muscles, in
short a system of manliness, that might pass for no
bad image of our ancient sturdy barons, whose race
is now so thoroughly refined and frittered away
into the more delicate and modern built frame of
our pap-nerved softlings, who are as pale, as pretty,
and almost as masculine as their sisters.
Mr. H....., content, however, with having the
day break upon his triumphs, resigned me up to
the refreshment of a rest we both wanted, and we
soon dropt into a profound sleep.
Though he was some time awake before me, yet
he did not offer to disturb a repose he had given
me so much occasion for; but on my first stirring,
which was not till past ten o'clock, I was obliged
to endure one more trial of his manhood.
About eleven in came Mrs. Jones, with two
basons of the richest soup, which her experience
in these matters had moved her to prepare. I pass
over the fulsome compliments, the cant of the
decent procuress, with which she sainted us both;
but though my blood rose at the sight of her, I
supprest my emotions, and gave all my concern to
reflections on what would be the consequence of
this new engagement.
112
Bat Mr. H....., who penetrated my uneasiness,
did not long suffer me to languish under it, and
acquainted me, that having taken a solid sincere
affection to me, he would begin by giving me one
leading mark of it, in removing me out of a house
which must, for many reasons, be irksome and
disagreeable to me, into convenient lodgings, where
he would take all imaginable care of me; and de-
siring me not to have any explanations with my
landlady, or be impatient till he returned, he dressed
and went out, having left me a purse with two and
twenty guineas in it, being all he had about him, as
he exprest it, to keep my pocket till further supplies.
As soon as he was gone, I felt the usual conse-
quence of the first launch into vice (for my love
attachment to Charles never appeared to me in that
light). I was instantly borne away down the stream,
without making back to the shore. My dreadful
necessities, my gratitude, and above all, to say the
plain truth, the dissipation and diversion I began to
find in this new acquaintance, from the black cor-
roding thoughts my heart had been a prey to, ever
since the absence of my dear Charles, concurred to
stun all contrary reflections. If I now thought of
my first, my only charmer, it was still with the
tenderness and regret of the fondest love, embit-
tered with the consciousness that I was no longer
worthy of him. I could have begged my bread with
him all over the world, but wretch that I was! I had
neither the virtue or courage requisite not to outlive
my separation from him.
Yet, had not my heart been thus preengaged,
Mr. H..... might probably have been the sole
master of it; but the place was full, and the force of
conjunctures alone had made him the possessor of
my person : the charms of which had, by the bye,
been his sole object and passion, and were, of
course, no foundation for a love either very deli-
cate or very durable.
He did not return till six in the evening, to take
me away to my new lodgings; and my moveables
being soon packed, and conveyed into a hackney
coach, it cost me but little regret to take my leave
of a landlady whom I thought I had so much reason
not to be over pleased with; and as for her part,
she made no other difference to my staying or
going, but what that of the profit created.
We soon got to the house appointed for me,
which was that of a plain tradesman, who, on the
score of interest, was entirely at Mr. H.....'s devo-
tion, and who let him the first floor, very genteelly
furnished, for two guineas a week, of which I was
instated mistress, with a maid to attend me.
He staid with me that evening, and we had a
supper from a neighbouring tavern, after which,
and a gay glass or two, the maid put me to bed.
Mr. H.....soon followed, and notwithstanding the
fatigues of the preceding night, I found no quarter
nor remission from him : he piqued himself, as he
told me, on doing the honours of my new apart-
ment.
The morning being pretty well advanced, we got
15
to breakfast; and the ice now broke, my heart, no
longer engrossed by love, began to take ease, and
to please itself with such trifles as Mr. H.....'s
liberal liking led him to make his court to the
usual vanity of our sex. Silks, laces, ear rings,
pearl necklace, gold watch, in short, all the trinkets
and articles of dress were lavishly heaped upon mc;
the sense of which, if it did not create returns of
love, forced a kind of grateful fondness, something
like love : a distinction which it would be spoiling
the pleasure of nine tenths of the keepers in the
town to make, and is, I suppose, the very good
reason why so few of them ever do make it.
I was now established the kept mistress in form,
well lodged, with a very sufficient allowance, and
lighted up with all the lustre of dress.
Mr. H.....continued kind and tender to me; yet,
with all this, I was far from happy : for, besides my
regrets for my dear youth, which, though often
suspended or diverted, still returned upon mc in
certain melancholic moments with redoubled vio-
lence, I wanted more society, more dissipation.
As to Mr. H....., he was so much my superior
in every sense, that 1 felt it too much to the disad-
vantage of the gratitude I owned him. Thus he
gained my esteem, though he could net raise my
taste; I was qualified for no sort of conversation
with him, except one sort, and that is a satisfaction
which leaves tiresome intervals, if not filled up by
love, or other amusements.
Mr. H....., so experienced, so learned in the
ways of women, numbers of whom had passed
through his hands, doubtless, soon perceived this
uneasiness, and, without approving, or liking me
the better for it, had the complaisance to indulge
me.
He made suppers at my lodging, where he
brought several companions of his pleasures, with
their mistresses; and by this means I got into a
circle of acquaintance, that soon stripped me of all
the remains of bashfulness and modesty which
might be yet left of my country education, and were,
to a just taste, perhaps, the greatest of my charms.
We visited one another in form, and mimicked,
as near as we could, all the miseries, the follies,
and impertinencies of the women of quality, in the
round of which they trifle away their time, without
its ever entering into their little heads, that on
earth there cannot subsist any thing more silly,
more flat, more insipid and worthless, than, gene-
rally considered, their system of life is: they ought
to treat the men as their tyrants, indeed! were they
to condemn them to it.
But though, amongst the kept mistresses (and I
was now acquainted with a good many, besides
some useful matrons, who live by their connexions
with them), 1 hardly knew one that did not per-
fectly detest their keepers, and, of course, made
little or no scruple of any infidelity they could
safely accomplish, I had still no notion of wronging
mine : for, besides that no mark of jealousy on his
side started me the hint, or gave me the provoca-
tion to play him a trick of that sort, and that his
constant generosity, politeness, and tender atten-
tion to please me, forced a regard to him, that,
without affecting my heart, insured him my fide*
lity, no object had yet presented that could over-
come the habitual liking I had contracted for him;
and I was on the eve of obtaining, from the move-
ments of his own voluntary generosity, a modest
provision for life, when an accident happened which
broke all the measures he had resolved upon in my
favour.
I had now lived near seven months with
Mr. H....., when one day returning to my lodgings,
from a visit in the neighbourhood, where I used to
stay longer, I found the street door open, and the
maid of the house standing at it, talking with some
of her acquaintance, so that 1 came in without
knocking; and, as I passed by, she told me
Mr. H.....was above. I stept up stairs into my own
bed chamber, with no other thought than of pulling
off my hat, etc., and then to wait upon him in the
dining room, into which my bed chamber had a
door, as is common enough. Whilst I was untying
my hat strings, I fancied I heard my maid
Hannah's
voice, and a sort of rustle, which raised my curio-
sity ; I stole softly to the door, were a knot in the
wood had been slipt out, and afforded a very com-
manding peep-hole to the scene then in agitation,
the actors of which had been too earnestly employed
to hear my opening my own door, from the land-
ing place of the stairs, into my bed chamber.
— H7 —
The first sight that struck me was Mr. H.....
pulling and hauling this coarse country strammel
towards a couch that stood in a corner of the
dining room; to which the girl made only a sort of
awkward holdening resistance, crying out so loud,
that I, who listened at the door, could scarce hear
her : « Pray Sir, don't... let me alone... I am
» not for your turn... You cannot, sure, demean
» yourself with such a poor body as I... Lord! Sir,
» my mistress may come home... I must not
» indeed... I will cry out... » AH which did not
hinder her from insensibly suffering herself to be
brought to the foot of the couch, upon which a
push of no mighty violence served to give her a
very easy fall, and my gentleman having got up his
hands to the strong hold of her vartoe, she, no
doubt, thought it was time to give up the argu-
ment, and that all further defense would be vain;
and he, throwing her petticoats over her face,
which was now as red as scarlet, discovered a pair
of stout, plump, substantial thighs, and tolerably
white; he mounted them round his hips, and com-
ing out with his drawn weapon, stuck it in the cloven
spot, where he seemed to find a less difficult
entrance than perhaps he had flattered himself with
(for, by the way, this blouse had left her place in the
country for a bastard), and, indeed, all his motions
shewed he was lodged pretty much at large. After
he had done, his dearee gets up, drops her petti-
coats down, and smooths her apron and handker-
chief. Mr. H..... looked a little silly, and taking
— u8 —
out some money, gave it her, with an air indiffer-
ent enough, bidding her be a good girl, and say
nothing.
Had I loved this man, it was not in nature for
me to have had patience to see the whole scene
through : I should have broke in and played the
jealous princess with a vengeance. Bat that was not
the case : my pride alone was hart, my heart not,
and I could easier win upon myself to see how far
he would go, till I had no uncertainty upon my
conscience.
The least delicate of all affairs of this sort being
now over, I retired softly into my closet, where I
began to consider what I should do. Mv first
scheme, naturally, was to rush in and upbraid them;
this, indeed, flattered my present emotions and
vexations, as it would have given immediate vent
to them; but, on second thoughts, not being so
clear as to the consequence to be apprehended
from such a step, I began to doubt whether it was
not better to dissemble my discovery till a safer
season, when Mr. H..... should have perfected the
settlement he had made overtures to me of, and
which I was not to think such a violent explana-
tion, as I was indeed not equal to the management
of, could possibly forward, and might destroy. On
the other hand, the provocation seemed too gross,
too flagrant, not to give me some thoughts of
revenge; the very start of which idea restored me
to perfect composure; and delighted as I was with
the confused plan of it in my head, I was easily
— 119 —
mistress enough of myself to support the part of
ignorance I had prescribed to myself; and as all
this circle of reflections was instantly over, I stole a
tip-toe to the passage door, and opening it with a
noise, past for having that moment come home;
and after a short pause, as if to pull off my things,
I opened the door into the dining room, where I
found the dowfly blowing the fire, and my faithful
shepherd walking about the room, and whistling,
as cool and unconcerned as if nothing had hap-
pened. I think, however, he had not much to brag
of having out dissembled me; for I kept up, nobly,
the character of our sex for art, and went up to him
with the same open air of frankness as I had ever
received him. He staid but a little while, made
some excuse for not being able to stay the evening
with me, and went out.
As for the wench, she was now spoiled, at least
for my servant; and scarce eight and forty hours
were gone round, before her insolence, on what
had passed between Mr. H.....and her, gave me so
fair an occasion to turn her away, at a minute's warn-
ing, that, not to have done it would have been the
wonder : so that
hi could neither disapprove it,
nor find in it the least reason to suspect my original
motive. What, became of her afterwards, I knew
not; but generous as Mr. H.......was, he undoubt-
edly made her amends : though, I dare answer,
that he kept up no farther commerce with her of
that sort; as his stooping to such a coarse morsel, was
only a sudden sally of lust, on seeing a wholesome-
— 120 —
looking, buxom country wench, and no more
strange than hunger, or even a whimsical appetite's
making a flying meal of neck beef, for change ot
diet.
Had I considered this escape of Mr. H..... in
no more than that light, and contented myself with
turning away the wench, I had thought and acted
right; but, flushed as I was with imaginary wrongs,
I should have held Mr. H.....to have been cheaply
off, if I had not pushed my revenge farther, and
repaid him, as exactly as I could for the soul of
me, in the same coin.
Nor was this worthy act of justice long delayed :
I had it too much at heart. Mr. H.....had, about
a fortnight before, taken into his service a tenant's
son, just come out of the country, a very hand-
some young lad, scarce turned of nineteen, fresh as
a rose, well shaped and clear limbed: in short, a very
good excuse for any woman's liking, even though
revenge had been out of the question; any woman,
I say, who was disprejudiced, and had wit and
spirit enough to prefer a point of pleasure to a
point ot pride.
Mr. H.....had clapped a livery upon him; and
his chief employ was, after being shewn my lodg-
ings, to bring and carry letters or messages between
his master and me; and as the situation of all kept
ladies is not the fittest to inspire respect, even to
the meanest of mankind, and, perhaps, less of it
from the most ignorant, 1 could not help observing
that this lad, who was, 1 suppose, acquainted with
121
my relation to his master by his fellow servants,
used to eye me in that bashful confused way, more
expressive, more moving, and readier catched at
by our sex, than any other declarations whatever :
my figure had, it seems, struck him, and modest
and innocent as he was, he did not himself know
that the pleasure he took in looking at me was love,
or desire; but his eyes, naturally wanton, and now
enflamed with passion, spoke a great deal more
than he durst have imagined they did. Hitherto,
indeed, I had only taken notice of the comeliness
of the youth, but without the least design : my
pride alone would have guarded me from a thought
that way, had not Mr. H.....'s condescension with
my maid, where there was not half the temptation,
in point of person, set me a dangerous example;
but now I began to look on this stripling as every
way a delicious instrument of my designed retalia-
tion upon Mr. H....., of an obligation for which I
should have made a conscience to die in his debt.
In order then to pave the way for the accomplish-
ment of my scheme, for two or three times that
the young fellow came to me with messages,
I managed so, as without affectation to have him
admitted to my bed side, or brought to me at my
toilet, where I was dressing; and by carelessly
shewing, or letting him see, as if without meaning
or design, sometimes my bosom rather more bare
than it should be; sometimes my hair, of which I
had a very fine head, in the natural flow of it, while
combing; sometimes a neat leg, that had unfortu-
16
nately slipt its garter, which I made no scruple of
tying before him, easily gave him the impressions
favourable to my purpose, which I could perceive
to sparkle in his eyes, and glow in his cheeks :
then certain slight squeezes by the hand, as I took
letters from him, did his business compleatly.
When I saw him thus moved, and fired for my
purpose, 1 inflamed him yet more, by asking him
several leading questions, such as : « Had he a
» mistress?... was she prettier than me?... could he
» love such a one as I was?... » and the like; to
all which the blushing simpleton answered to my
wish, in a strain of perfect nature, perfect unde-
bauched innocence, but with all the awkwardness
and simplicity of country breeding.
When I thought 1 had sufficiently ripened him
for the laudable point I had in view, one day that I
expected him at a particular hour, 1 took care to
have the coast clear for the reception I designed
him; and, as I laid it, he came to the dining
room door, tapped at it, and, on my bidding him
come in, he did so, and shut the door after him. I
desired him, then, to bolt it on the inside, pretend-
ing it would not otherwise keep shut.
I was then lying at length upon that very couch,
the scene of Mr. H.....'s polite joys, in an undress,
which was with ail the art of negligence flowing
loose, and in a most tempting disorder : no stays,
no hoop...., no incumbrance whatever. On the
other hand, he stood at a little distance, that gave
me a full view of a fine featured, shapely, healthy
sweet-heart, came with a message from his master,
Mr* H....., to know how I did. I had taken care to
send my maid on an errand into the city, that I
was sure would take up time enough; and, from
the people of the house, I had nothing to fear, as
they were plain good sort of folks, and wise enough
to mind no more of other people's business than
they could well help.
All dispositions then made, not forgetting that of
lying in bed to receive him, when he was entered
the door of my bed chamber, a latch, that I govern-
ed by a wire, descended and secured it.
I could not but observe that my young minion
was as much spruced out as could be expected from
one in his condition : a desire of pleasing that
could not be indifferent to me, since it proved that
I pleased him; which, I assure you, was now a
point I was not above having in view.
His hair trimly dressed, clean linen, and, above
all, a hale, ruddy, wholesome country look, made
him out as pretty a piece of woman's meat as you
should see, and I should have thought any one
much out of taste, that could not have made a
hearty meal of such a morsel as nature seemed to
have designed for the highest diet of pleasure.
And why should I here suppress the delight I
received from this amiable creature, in remarking
each artless look, each motion of pure undissembled
nature, betrayed by his wanton eyes; or shewing,
transparently, the glow and suffusion of blood
through his fresh, clear skin, whilst even his sturdy
18
- 138 -
rustic pressures wanted not their peculiar charm ?
Oh! but, say you, this was a young fellow of too
low a rank of life to deserve so great a display.
May be so : but was my condition, strictly con-
sidered, one jot more exalted ? or, had I really been
much above him, did not his capacity of giving
such exquisite pleasure sufficiently raise and enoble
him, to me, at least? Let who would, for me,
cherish, respect, and reward the painter's, the sta-
tuary's, the musician's art, in proportion to the
delight taken in them: but at my age, and with my
taste for pleasure, a taste strongly constitutional
to me, the talent of pleasing, with which nature has
endowed a handsome person, formed to me the
greatest of all merits; compared to which, the vul-
gar prejudices in favour of tides, dignities, honours,
and the like, held a very low rank indeed. Nor per-
haps would the beauties of the body be so much
affected to be held cheap, were they, in their na-
ture, to be bought and delivered. But for me, whose
natural philosophy all resided in the favourite center
of sense, and who was ruled by its powerful instinct
in taking pleasure by its right handle, I could scarce
have made a choice more to my purpose.
Mr. H.....'s loftier qualifications of birth, fortune
and sense, laid me under a sort of subjection and
constraint, that were far from making harmony in
the concert of love; nor had he, perhaps, thought
me worth softening that superiority to; but, with
this lad, I was more on that level which love de-
lights in.
We may say what we please, but those we can
be the easiest and freest with, are ever those we
like, not to say love the best.
With this stripling, all whose art of love was the
action of it, I could, without check of awe or re-
straint, give a loose to joy, and execute every
scheme of dalliance my fond fancy might put me
on, in which he was, in every sense, a most exqui-
site companion. And now my great pleasure lay in
humouring all the petulances, all the wanton frolic
of a raw novice just fleshed, and keen on the burn-
ing scent of his game, but unbroken to the sport:
and, to carry on the figure, who could better
thread the wood than he, or stand fairer for the
heart of the hunt ?
He advanced then to my bed side, and whilst he
faultered out his message, I could observe his co-
lour rise, and his eyes lighten with joy, in seeing
me in a situation as favourable to his loosest wishes,
as if he had bespoke the play.
I smiled, and put out my hand towards him,
which he kneeled down to (a politeness taught
him by love alone, that great master of it) and
greedily kissed. After exchanging a few confused
questions and answers, I asked him if he would
come to bed to me, for the little time I could ven-
ture to detain him. This was just asking a person,
dying with hunger, to feast upon the dish on earth
the most to his palate. Accordingly, without further
reflection, his cloaths were off in an instant; when,
blushing still more at this new liberty, he got
under the bed cloaths I held np to receive him,
and was now in bed with a woman for the first time
in his life.
Here began the usual tender preliminaries, as
delicious, perhaps, as tbe crowning act of enjoyment
itself; which they often beget an impatience of,
that makes pleasure destructive of itself, by hur-
rying on the final period, and closing that scene of
bliss, in which the actors are generally too well
pleased with their parts, not to wish them an eter-
nity of duration.
When we had sufficiently graduated our advances
towards the main point, by toying, kissing, clip-
ping, feeling my breasts, now round and plump,
feeling that part of me I might call a furnace mouth,
from the prodigious intense heat his fiery touches
had rekindled there, my young sportsman, embold-
ened by every freedom he could wish, wantonly
takes my hand, and carries it to that enormous
machine of his, that stood with a stiffness! a hard-
ness! an upward bent of erection! and which,
together with its bottom dependance, the inestim-
able bulse of ladies jewels, formed a grand show
out of goods indeed! Then its dimensions,
mocking either grasp or span, almost renewed my
terrors. I could not conceive how, or by what
means I could take or put such a bulk out of
sight. 1 stroaked it gently, on which the mutinous
rogue seemed to swell, and gather a new degree of
fierceness and insolence; so that finding it grew
not to be trifled with any longer, I prepared for
rubbers in good earnest.
Slippiog then a pillow under me, that I might
give him the fairest play, I guided officiously with
my hand this furious battering ram, whose ruby
head, presenting nearest the resemblance of a
heart, I applied to its proper mark, which lay as
finely elevated as we could wish; my hips being
born up, and my thighs at their utmost extension,
the gleamy warmth that shot from it, made him
feel that he was at the month of the indraught,
and driving fore right, the powerfully divided lips
of that pleasure-thirsty channel received him. He
hesitated a little; then, settled well in the passage,
he makes his way up the straights of it, with a
difficulty nothing more than pleasing, widening as
he went, so as to distend and smooth each soft
furrow : our pleasure increasing deliciously, in
proportion as our points of mutual touch increased
in mat so vital part of me in which 1 had now
taken him, all in-driven, and completely sheathed;
and which, crammed as it was, stretched splitting
ripe, gave it so gratefully strait an accommodation!
so strict a fold I a suction so fierce 1 that gave and
took unutterable delight. We had now reached
the closest point of union; but when he backened
to come on the fiercer, as if I had been actuated
by a fear of losing him, in the height of my fury,
1 twist my legs round his naked loins, the flesh of
which, so firm, so springy to the touch, quivered
again under the pressure; and now I had him
— 142 —
every way encircled and begirt; and having drawn
him home to me, I kept him fast there, as if I had
sought to unite bodies with him at that point. This
bred a pause of action, a pleasure stop, whilst that
delicate glutton, my nether mouth, as full as it
could hold, kept palating, with exquisite relish,
the morsel that so deliciously ingorged it. But
nature could not long endure a pleasure that so
highly provoked without satisfying it : pursuing
then its darling end, the battery recommenced
with redoubled exertion; nor lay I unactive on my
side, but encountering him with all the impetuosity
of motion I was mistress of, the downy cloath of
our meeting mounts was now of real use to break
the violence of the tilt; and soon, indeed! the high-
wrought agitation, the sweet urgency of this to-
and-fro friction, raised the titillation on me to its
height; so that finding myself on the point of
going, and loath to leave the tender partner of my
joys behind me, I employed all the forwarding mo-
tions and arts my experience suggested to me, to
promote his keeping me company to our journey's
end. I not only then tightened the pleasure-girth
round my restless inmate, by a secret spring of fric-
tion and compression that obeys the will in those
parts, but stole my hand softly to that store bag of
nature's prime sweets, which is so pleasingly attach-
ed to its conduit pipe from which we receive
them; there feeling, and most gently indeed,
squeezing those tender globular reservoirs, the
magic touch took instant effect, quickened, and
~ 143 —
brought on upon the spur the symptoms of that
sweet agony, the melting moment of dissolution,
when pleasure dies by pleasure, and the mysterious
cugine of it overcomes the titiUation it has raised
in those parts, by plying them with the stream of
a warm liquid, that is itself the highest of all titilla-
tions, and which they thirstily express and draw
in like the hot natured leach, which, to cool itself,
tenaciously extracts all the moisture within its
sphere of ex suction. Chiming then to me, with
exquisite consent, as I melted away, his oily bal-
samic injection, mixing deliciously with the sluices
in flow from me, sheathed and blunted all the
stings of pleasure, whilst a voluptuous languor pos-
sest, and still maintained us motionless, and fast
locked in one another's arms. Alas! that these de-
lights should be no longer-lived! for now the point
of pleasure, unedged by enjoyment, and all the
brisk sensations flattened upon us, resigned us up
to the cool cares of insipid life. Disengaging myself
then from his embrace, I made him sensible of
the reasons there were for his present leaving me;
on which, though reluctantly, he put on his
cloaths, with as little expedition, however, as he
could help, wantonly interrupting himself, between
whiles, with kisses, touches and embraces I could
not refuse myself to. Yet he happily returned to his
master before he was missed; but, at taking leave,
I forced him (for he had sentiments enough to re-
fuse it) to receive money enough to buy a silver
watch, that great article of subaltern finery, which
— 144 —
he at length accepted of, as a remembrance he was
carefully to preserve of my affections.
And here, Madam, 1 ought, perhaps, to make
you an apology for this minute detail of things,
that dwelt so strongly upon my memory, after so
deep an impression : but. besides that this intreague
bred one great revolution in my life, which histo-
rical truth requires I should not sink from you,
may I not presume that so exalted a pleasure
ought not to be ungratefully forgotten, or sup-
pressed by me, because I found it in a character in
low life; where, by the by, it is oftener met with,
purer, and more unsophisticate, than among the
false, ridiculous refinements with which the great
suffer themselves to be so grossly cheated by
their pride: the great! than whom, there exist few
amongst those they call the vulgar, who are more
ignorant of, or who cultivate less, the art of living
than they do; they, I say, who for ever mistake
things the most foreign to the nature of pleasure
itself; whose capital favourite object is enjoyment
of beauty, wherever that rare invaluable gift is
found, without distinction of birth or station.
As love never had, so now revenge had no
longer any share in my commerce in this hand-
some youth. The sole pleasures of enjoyment were
now the link I held to him by : for though nature
had done such great matters for him in his outward
form, and especially in that superb piece of furni-
ture she had so liberally enriched him with;
though he was thus qualified to give the senses
— 145 —
i9
their richest feast, still there was something more
wanting to create in me, and constitute the pas-
sion of love. Yet Will had very good qualities too:
gentle, tractable, and, above all, grateful; silentious,
even to a fault: he spoke, at any time, very little,
but made it up emphatically with action; and, to
do him justice, he never gave me the least reason
to complain, either of any tendency to encroach
upon me for the liberties 1 allowed him, or of his
indiscretion in blabbing them. There is, then, a fa-
tality in love, or have loved him I must; for he
was really a treasure, a bit for the bonne bouche
of a dutchess; and, to say the truth, my liking for
him was so extreme, that it was distinguishing very
nicely to deny that 1 loved him.
My happiness, however, with him did not last
long, but found an end from my own imprudent
neglect. After having taken even superfluous pre-
cautions agaiost a discovery, our success in repeated
meetings emboldened me to omit the barely neces-
sary ones. About a month after our first intercourse,
one fatal morning (the season Mr. H.....rarely or
never visited me in) I was in my closet, where my
toilet stood, in nothing but my shift, a bed gown
and under petticoat. Will was with me, and both
ever too well disposed to baulk an opportunity. For
my part, a whim, a wanton toy had just taken me,
and I had challenged my man to execute it on the
spot, who hesitated not to comply with my humour:
1 was set in the arm chair, my shift and petticoat
up, my thighs wide spread and mounted over the
arms of the chair, presenting the fairest mark to
Will's drawn weapon, which he stood in act to
plunge into me, when, having neglected to secure
the chamber door, and mat of the closet standing
a jar, Mr, H.....stole in upon us, before either of us
was aware, and saw us precisely in these convicting
attitudes.
I gave a great scream, and dropped my petticoat:
the thunder-struck lad stood trembling and pale,
waiting his sentence of death. Mr. H.....looked
sometimes at one, sometimes at the other, with a
mixture of indignation and scorn; and, without
saying a word, spun upon his heel and went out.
As confused as I was, I heard him very distinctly
turn the key, and lock the chamber door upon us,
so that there was no escape but through the dining
room, where he himself was walking about with
distempered strides, stamping in a great chafe, and
doubtless debating what he should do with us.
In the mean time, poor William was frightened
out of his senses, and, as much need as I had of
spirits myself, I was obliged to employ them all to
keep his a little up. The misfortune I had now
brought upon him, endeared him the more to me,
and I could have joyfully suffered any punishment
he had not shared in. I watered, plentifully, with
my tears, the face of the frightened youth, who sat,
not having strength to stand, as cold and as lifeless
as a statue.
Presently Mr. H.....comes in to us again, and
— H7 —
made us go before him into the dining room,
trembling and dreadiogthe issue. Mr. H.....sat down
on a chair whilst we stood like criminals under
examination; and, beginning with me, asked me,
with an even firm tone of voice, neither soft nor
severe, but cruelly indifferent, what I could say for
myself, for having abused him in so unworthy a
manner, with his own servant too, and how he had
deserved this of me ?
Without adding to the guilt of my infidelity,
that of an audacious defence of it, in the old style
of a common kept miss, my answer was modest,
and often interrupted by my tears, in substance as
follows : « That I never had a single thought of
» wronging him » (which was true), « till I had
» seen him taking the last liberties with my servant
» wench » (here he coloured prodigiously), « and
» that my resentment at that, which I was over
» awed from giving a vent to by complaints, or
» explanations with him, had driven me to a course
» that I did not pretend to justify; but that as to
» the young man, he was entirely fautless; for that,
>» in the view of making him the instrument of my
» revenge, I had down right seduced him to what
» he had done; and therefore hoped, whatever he
» determined about me, he would distinguish
» between the guilty and the innocent; and that,
» for the rest, I was entirely at his mercy. »
Mr. H..., on hearing what I said, hung his head
a little; but instantly recovering himself, he said to
— 148 —
me, as near as I can retain, to the following
purpose :
« Madam, I take shame to myself, and confess
» you have fairly turned the tables upon me. It is
» not with one of your cast of breeding and send-
» ments, that I should enter into a discussion of
» the very great difference of the provocations: be
» it sufficient that I allow you so much reason on
» your side, as to have changed my resolution, in
» consideration of what you reproach me with;
» and I own, too, that your clearing that rascal
» there, is fair and honest in you. Renew with you
» I cannot: the affront is too gross. I give you a
» week's warning to go out of these lodgings;
» whatever I have given you, remains to you; and
» as 1 never intend to see you more, the landlord
» will pay you fifty pieces on my account, with
» which, and every debt paid, I hope you will own
» I do not leave you in a worse condition than
» what I took you up in, or than you deserve of
» me. Blame yourself only that it is no better.»
Then, without giving me time to reply, he
addrest himself to the young fellow :
« For you, spark, I shall, for your father's sake,
» take care of you : the town is no place for such
» an easy fool as thou art; and to-morrow you
» shall set out, under the charge of one of my men,
» well recommended, in my name, to your father,
» not to let you return and be spoil'd here. »
At these words he went out, after.my vainly
attempting to stop him, by throwing myself at his
— 149 —
feet. He shook me off, though he seemed greatly
moved too, and took Will away with him, who, I
dare swear, thought himself very cheaply off.
I was now once more a-drift, and left upon my
own hands, by a gentleman whom I certainly did
not deserve. And all the letters, arts, friends,
entreaties that I employed within the week of
grace in my lodging, could never win on him so
much as to see me again. He had irrevocably pro-
nounced my doom, and submission to it was my
only part. Soon after he married a lady of birth and
fortune, to whom, I have heard, he proved an
irreproachable husband.
As for poor Will, he was immediately sent down
to the country to his father, who was an easy
farmer, where he was not four months before an
inn-keeper's buxom young widow, with a very good
stock, both in money and trade, fancied, and
perhaps preacquainted with his secret excellencies,
married bim : and I »am sure there was, at least,
one good foundation for their living happily
together.
Though I should have been charmed to see him
before he went, such measures where taken, by
Mr. H.....'s orders, that it was impossible; other-
wise I should certainly have endeavoured to detain
him in town, and would have spared neither offers
nor expense to have procured myself the satisfac-
tion of keeping him with me. He had such powerful
— 150 —
holds upon my inclinations as were not easily to be
shaken off, or replaced; as to my heart, it was
quite out of the question : glad, however, 1 was
from my soul, that nothing worse, and as things
turned out, probably nothing better could have
happened to him.
As to Mr. H....., though wiews of convemency
made me, at first, exert myself to regain his affec-
tion, I was giddy and thoughtless enough to be
much easier reconciled to my failure than I ought
to have been; but as I never had loved him, and
his leaving me gave me a sort of liberty that I have
often longed for, I was soon comforted; and flatter-
ing myself, that the stock of youth and beauty I
was going into trade with, could hardly fail of pro-
curing me a maintenance, I saw myself under a
necessity of trying my fortune with them, rather
with pleasure and gaiety, than with the least idea
of despondency.
In the mean time, several of my acquaintances
among the sisterhood, who bad soon got wind of
my misfortune, flocked to insult me with their mali-
cious consolations. Most of them had long envied
me the affluence and splendour I had been main-
tained in; and though there was scarce one of them
that did not at least deserve to be in my case, and
would probably, sooner or later, come to it, it was
equally easy to remark, even in their affected pity,
their secret pleasure at seeing me thus discarded,
and their secret grief that it was no worse with me.
Unaccountable malice of the human heart! and
which is not confined to the class of life they
Were of.
But as the time approached for me to come to
some resolution how to dispose of myself, and I
was considering round where to shift my quarters
to, Mrs.
Cole, a middle aged discrete sort of woman,
who had been brought into my acquaintance by one
of the misses that visited me, upon learning my
situation, came to oner her cordial advice and
service to me; [and as I had always taken to her
more than to any of my female acquaintances, I
listened the easier to her proposals. And, as it hap-
pened, I could not have put myself into worse, or
into better hands in all London : into worse, because
keeping a house of conventency, there were no
lengths in lewdness she would not advise me to go,
in compliance with her customers; no schemes of
pleasure, or even unbounded debauchery, she did
not take even a delight in promoting: into a better,
because no body having had more experience of
the wicked part of the town than she had, was fitter
to advise and guard one against the worst dangers
of our profession; and what was rare to be met
with in those of hex's, she contented herself with a
moderate living profit upon her industry and good
offices, and had nothing of their greedy rapacious
turn. She was really too a gentlewoman born and
bred, but through a train of accidents reduced to
this course, which she pursued, partly through
necessity, partly through choice, as never woman
delighted more in encouraging a brisk circulation
of the trade, for the sake of the trade itself, or
better understood all the mysteries and refinements
of it, than she did; so that she was consummately
at the top of her profession, and dealt only with
customers of distinction: to answer the demands of
whom she kept a competent number of her daugh-
ters in constant recruit (so she called those whom
their youth and personal charms recommended to
her adoption and management: several of whom,
by her means, and through her tuition and instruc-
tions, succeeded very well in the world).
This useful gentlewoman, upon whose protection
I now threw myself, having her reasons of state,
respecting Mr. H....., for not appearing too much
in the thing herself, sent a friend of her's, on the
day appointed for my removal, to conduct me to
my new lodgings, at a brush-maker's in R.....street,
Covent Garden, the very next door to her own
house, where she had no conveniencies to lodge
me herselt : lodgings that, by having been for
several successions tenanted by ladies of pleasure,
the landlord of them was familiarized to their ways;
and provided the rentwas paid, every thing else was
as easy and commodious as one could desire.
The fifty guineas promised me by -Mr. H.....,
at his parting with me, having been- duly paid me,
all my cloaths and moveables chested up, which
were at least of two hundred pounds value, I had
them conveyed into a coach, where I soon followed
them, after taking a civil leave of the landlord and
his family, with whom I had never lived in a degree
of familiarity enough to regret the removal; but
still, the very circumstance of its being a removal,
drew tears from me. I left, too, a letter of thanks
for Mr. H....., from whom I concluded myself, as
I really was, irretrievably separated.
My maid I had discharged the day before, not
only because 1 had her of Mr. H....., but that I
suspected her of having some how or other been
the occasion of bis discovering me, in revenge,
perhaps, for my not having trusted her with it.
We were soon got to my lodgings, which, though
not so handsomely furnished, nor so showy as
those I left, were to the full as convenient, and at
half price, though on the first floor. My trunks were
safely landed, and stowed in my apartments, where
my neighbour, and now governante, Mrs. Cole,
was ready with my landlord to receive me, to whom
she took care to set me out in the most favourable
light, that of one from whom there was the clearest
reason to expect the regular payment of bis rent :
all the cardinal virtues attributed to me, would not
have had half the weight of that recommendation
alone.
I was now settled in lodgings of my own, aban-
doned to my own conduct, and turned loose upon
the town, to sink or swim, as I could manage with
the current of it; and what were the consequences,
20
together with the number of adventures which betel
me in the exercise of my new profession, will com-
pose the matter of another letter : for surely it is
high time to put a period to this.
1 am,
MADAM,
Yours, etc., etc., etc
XXX.
tub end of tub first letter
t
MEMOIRS
op
FANNY HILL
letter the second
0
20 Mi
I
I
I
I
MEMOIRS
of
FANNY HILL
letter the second
Madam,
p I have delayed the sequel of my his-
tory, it has been purely to allow my-
self a little breathing time, not without
some hopes, that, instead of pressing
me to a continuation, you would have acquitted me
of the task of pursuing a confession,, in the course
of which my self esteem has so many wounds to
sustain.
I imagined, indeed, that you would have been
cloyed and tired with uniformity of adventures and
expressions, inseparable from a subject of this sort,
— 160 —
whose bottom, or ground work being, in the
nature of things eternally one and the same,
whatever variety of forms and modes the situations
are susceptible of, there is no escaping a repeti-
tion of near the same images, the same figures, the
same expressions, with this further inconvenience
added to the disgust it creates, that the words
joys, ardours, transports, ecstasies, and the
rest of those pathetic terms so congenial to, so
received in the practice of pleasure, flatten and
lose much of their due spirit and energy by the
frequency they indispensibly recur with, in a nar-
rative of which that practice professedly composes
the whole basis. I must therefore trust to the can-
dour of your judgment, for your allowing for the
disadvantage I am necessarily under in that respect;
and to your imagination and sensibility, the pleasing
task of repairing it, by their supplements, where
my descriptions flag or fail: the one will readily
place the pictures I present before your eyes; the
other give life to the colours where they are dull,
or worn with too frequeut handling.
What you say besides, by way of encouragement
concerning the extreme difficulty of continuing so
long in one strain, in a mean tempered with taste,
between the revoltingness of gross, rank and vul-
• gar expressions, and the ridicule of mincing meta-
phors and affected circumlocutions, is so sensible,
as well as good-natured, that you greatly justify me
to myself for my compliance with a curiosity that
is to be satisfied so extremely at my expense.
- 161 —
21
Resuming now where I broke off in my last, I
am in my way to remark to you, that it was late in
the evening before I arrived at my new lodgings,
and Mrs. Cole, after helping me to range and se-
cure my things, spent the whole evening with me
in my apartment, where we supped together, in
giving me the best advice and instruction with re-
gard to this new stage of my profession I was now
to enter upon; and passing thus from a private de-
votee to pleasure into a public one, to become a
more general good, with all the advantages requisite
to put my person out to use, either for interest or
pleasure, or both. « But then », she observed, « as
» I was a kind of new face upon the town, that it
» was an established rule, and mystery of trade, for
» me to pass for a maid, and dispose ot myself as
» such on the first good occasion, without prejudice,
» however, to such diversions as I might have a
» mind to in the interim; for that nobody could
» be a greater enemy than she was to the losing
» of time. That she would, in the mean time, do
» her best to find out a proper person, and would
» undertake to manage this nice point for me, if
» I would accept of her aid and advice to such good
» purpose, that, in the loss of a fictitious maiden-
» head, I should reap all the advantages of a native
» one.»
As a too great delicacy of sentiments did not ex-
tremely belong to my character at that time, I con-
fess, against myself, that I perhaps too readily clos-
ed with a proposal which my candor and ingenuity
— 162 —
gave me some repugnance to : but not enough to
contradict the intention of one to whom I had now
thoroughly abandoned the direction of all my steps.
For Mrs. Cole had, I do not know how, unless by
one of those unaccountable invincible sympathies
that, nevertheless, form the strongest links, especi-
ally of female friendship, won and got entire posses-
sion of me. On her side, she pretended that a strict
resemblance, she fended she saw in me, to an only
daughter whom she had lost at my age, was the
first motive of her taking to me so affectionately
as she did. It might be so : there exist as slender
motives of attachment, that, gathering force from
habit and liking, have proved often more solid and
durable than those founded on much stronger rea-
sons ; but this I know, that though I had no other
acquaintance with her, than seeing her at my lodg-
ings, when I lived with Mr. H....., where she had
made errands to sell me some millinary ware, she
had by degrees insinuated herself so far into my
confidence, that I threw myself blindly into her
hands, and came, at length, to regard, love, and
obey her implicidy; and, to do her justice, I never
experienced at her hands other than a sincerity of
tenderness, and care for my interest, hardly heard
of in those of her profession. We parted that night,
after having settled a perfect unreserved agreement;
and the next morning Mrs. Cole came, and took me
with her to her house for the first time.
Here, at the first sight of things, I found every
thing breath an air of decency, modesty and order.
- l6j -
Id the outer parlour, or rather shop, sat three
young women, very demurely employed on milli-
nary work, which was the cover of a traffic in more
precious commodities; but three beautifuller crea-
tures could hardly be seen. Two of them were ex-
tremely fair, the eldest not above nineteen; and
the third, much about that age, was a piquant bru-
nette, whose black sparkling eyes, and perfect har-
mony of features and shape, left her nothing to
envy in her fairer companions. Their dress too had
the more design in it, the less it appeared to have,
being in a taste of uniform correct nearness, and
elegant simplicity. These were the girls that com-
posed the small domestic flock, which my gover-
ness trained up with surprising order and manage-
ment, considering the giddy wildness of young
girls once got upon the loose. But then she never
continued any in her house, whom, after a due
noviciate, she found untractable, or unwilling to
comply with the rules of it. Thus had she insensibly
formed a little family of love, in which the mem-
bers found so sensibly their account, in a rare
alliance of pleasure with interest, and of a necessary
outward decency, with unbounded secret liberty,
that Mrs. Cole, who had picked them as much for
their temper as their beauty, governed them with
ease to herself and them too.
To these pupils then of hers, whom she had pre-
pared, she presented me as a new boarder, and
one that was to be immediately admitted to all
the intimacies of the house; upon which these
— 164 —
charming girls gave me all the marks of a welcome
reception, and iodeed of being perfectly pleased
with my figure, that I could possibly expect from
any of my own sex : but they had been effectually
brought to sacrifice all jealousy, or competition of
charms, to a common interest, and considered me
as a partner that was bringing no despicable stock
of goods into the trade of the house. They gathered
round me, viewed me on all sides; and as my
admission into this joyous troop made a little
holiday, the shew of work was laid aside; and
Mrs. Cole giving me up, with special recommenda-
tion, to their caresses and entertainment, went
about her ordinary business of the house.
The sameness of our sex, age, profession, and
views, soon created as unreserved a freedom and
intimacy as if we had been for years acquainted.
They took and shewed me the house, their respect-
ive apartments, which were furnished with every
article of conveniency and luxury; and above all,
a spacious drawing room, where a select revelling
band usually met, in general parties of pleasure;
the girls supping with their sparks, and acting their
wanton pranks with unbounded licentiousness;
whilst a defiance of awe, modesty or jealousy
were their standing rules, by which, according to
the principles of their society, whatever pleasure
was lost on the side of sentiment, was abundantly
made up to the senses in the poignancy of variety,
and the charms of ease and luxury. The authors
and supporters of this secret institution would, in
- I65 -
the height of their humour, style themselves the
restorers of the golden age and its simplicity of
pleasures, before their innocence became so unjust-
ly branded with the names of guilt and shame.
As soon then as the evening began, and the shew
of a shop was shut, the academy opened; the mask
of mock-modesty was completely taken off, and all
the girls delivered over to their respective calls ot
pleasure or interest with their men : and none of
that sex was promiscuously admitted, but only
such as Mrs. Cole was previously satisfied of their
character and discretion. In short, this was the
safest, politest, and, at the same time, the most
thorough house of accommodation in town : every
thing being conducted so, that decency made no
intrenchment upon the most libertine pleasures; in
the practice of which too, the choice familiars of
the house had found the secret so rare and difficult,
of reconciling even all the refinements of taste and
delicacy, with the most gross and determinate
gratifications of sensuality.
After having consumed the morning in the dear
endearments and instructions of my new acquaint-
ance, we went to dinner, when Mrs. Cole, presid-
ing at the head of her cluck, gave me the first
idea of her management and address, in inspiring
these girls with so sensible a love and respect for
her. There was no stiffness, no reserve, no 'airs of
pique, or little jealousies, but all was unaffectedly
gay, chearful and easy.
After dinner, Mrs. Cole, seconded by the young
— 166 —
ladies, acquainted me that there was a chapter to
be held that night in form, for the ceremony of my
reception into the sisterhood; and in which, with
all due reserve to my maidenhead, that was to be
occasionally cooked up for the first proper chapman,
I was to undergo a ceremonial of initiation they
were sure I should not be displeased with.
Embarked as I was, and moreover captivated
with the charms of my new companions, I was too
much prejudiced in favour of any proposal they
could make, to so much as hesitate an assent;
which, therefore, readily giving in the style of a
carte blanche,
I received fresh kisses of compliment
from them all, in approval of my docility and good
nature. Now I was « a sweet girl... I came into
» thiogs with a good grace... I was not affectedly
» coy... I should be the pride of the house... »,
and the like.
This point thus adjusted, the young woman left
Mrs. Cole to talk and coocert matters with me,
when she explained to me, that « I should be
» introduced, that very evening, to four of her
» best friends, one of whom she had, according to
» the custom of the house, favoured with the
» preference of engaging me in the first party of
» pleasure; » assuring me, at the same time, « that
» they were all young gentlemen, agreeable in their
» persons, and unexceptionable in every respect;
» that united, and holding together by the band
» of common pleasures, they composed the chief
» support of her house, and made very liberal
— 167 —
» presents to the girls that pleased and humoured
» them, so that they were, properly speaking, the
» founders and patrons of this little seraglio. Not
» but that she had, at proper seasons, other custo-
» mers to deal with, whom she stood less upon
» punctilio with, than with these; for instance, it
» was not on one of them she could attempt to
» pass me for a maid: they were not only too
» knowing, too much town bred to bite at such a
» bait, but they were such generous benefactors
» to her, that it would be unpardonable to think
» of it. »
Amidst all the flutter and emotion which this
promise of pleasure, for such I conceived it, stirred
up in me, I preserved so much of the woman, as
to feign just reluctance enough to make some
merit of sacrificing it to the influence of my patro-
ness, whom I likewise, still in character, reminded
of it perhaps being right for me to go home and
dress, in favour of my first impressions.
But Mrs. Cole, in opposition to this, assured
me « that the gentlemen I should be presented to
* were, by their rank and taste of things, infinitely
» superior to the being touched with any glare of
» dress or ornaments, such as silly women rather
» confound and over-lay, than set off their beauty
» with; that these veteran voluptuaries knew better
» than not to hold them in the highest contempt:
» they with whom the pure native charms alone
» could pass current, and who would at any time
» leave a sallow, washy, painted dutchess on her
— 168 —
» hands, for a ruddy, healthy, firm fleshed country
» maid; and as for my part, that nature had done
» enough for me, to set me above owing the least
» favour to art; » concluding withal, that for the
instant occasion, there was no dress like an
undress.
I thought my governess too good a judge of
these matters, not to be easily over ruled by her :
after which she went on preaching very patheti-
cally the doctrine of passive obedience and non-
resistance to all those arbitrary tastes of pleasure,
which are by some styled the refinements, and by
others the depravations of it; between whom it was
not the business of a simple girl, who was to profit
by pleasing, to decide, but to conform to.
Whilst I was edifying by these wholesome les-
sons, tea was brought in, and the young ladies,
returning, joined company with us.
After a great deal of mixed chat, frolic and hum-
our, one of them, observing that there would be a
good deal of time on hand before the assembly
hour, proposed that each girl should entertain the
company with that critical period of her personal
history, in which she first exchanged the maiden
state for womanhood. The proposal was approved,
with only one restriction of Mrs. Cole, that she,
on account of her age, and I, on account of my
titular maidenhead, should be excused, at least till
I had undergone the forms of the house. This
obtained me a dispensation, and the promotress of
this amusement was desired to begin.
— 169 —
32
Her name was Emily : a girl fair to excess, and
whose limbs were, if possible, too well made, since
their plump fulness was rather to the prejudice of
that delicate slimness required by the nicer judges
of beauty; her eyes were blue, and streamed inex-
pressible sweetness, and nothing could be prettiei
than her mouth and lips, which closed over a range
of the evenest whitest teeth. Thus she began:
« Neither my extraction, nor the most critical
» adventure of my life, are sublime enough to
» impeach me of any vanity in the advancement of
» the proposal you have approved of. My father
» and mother were, and, tor aught I know, are still,
» farmers in the country, not above forty miles
» from town : their barbarity to me, in favour of a
» son, on whom alone they vouchsafed to bestow
» their tenderness, had a thousand times determined
» me to fly their house, and throw myself on the
» wide world; but, at length, an accident forced me
» on this desperate attempt at the age of fifteen. I
» had broken a china bowl, the pride and idol of
» both their hearts; and as an unmerciful beating
» was the least I had to depend on at their hands,
» in the silliness of these tender years, I left the
» house, and, at all adventures, took the road to
» London. How my loss was resented I do not
» know, for till this instant I have not heard a syl-
» lable about them. My whole stock was two broad
» pieces of my godmother's, a few shillings, silver
» shoe-buckles and silver thimble. Thus equipped,
— 170 —
» with oo more cloaths than the ordinary ones I
» had on my back, and frightened at every foot or
» noise I heard behind me, I hurried on; and I
» dare swear, walked a dozen miles before I stopped,
» through mere weariness and fatigue. At length I
» sat down on a stile, wept bitterly, and yet was
» still rather under increased impressions of fear
» on the account of my escape; which made me
» dread, worse than death, the going back to free
» my unnatural parents. Refreshed by this little
» repose, and relieved by my tears, I was proceed-
» ing onward, when I was overtaken by a sturdy
» country lad, who was going to London to see
» what he could do for himself there, and, like
» me, had given his friends the slip. He could not
» be above seventeen, was ruddy, well featured
» enough, with uncombed flaxen hair, a little
n flapped hat, kersey frock, yarn stockings, in
» short, a perfect plough boy. I saw him come
» whistling behind me, with a bundle tied to the
» end of a stick, his travelling equipage. We walked
» by one another for some time without speaking;
» at length we joined company, and agreed to keep
» together till we got to our journey's end; what
» his designs or ideas were, I know not : the
» innocence of mine I can solemnly protest.
» As night drew on, it became us to look out
» for some inn or shelter; to which perplexity
» another was added, and that was, what we should
» say for ourselves, if we were questioned. After
» some puzzle, the young fellow started a proposal,
— 171 —
» which I thought the finest that could be; and
» what was that? why, that we should pass for hus-
» band and wife : I never once dreamed of conse-
» quences. We came presently, after having agreed
» on this notable expedient, to one of those hedge
» accommodations for foot passengers, at the door
» of which stood an old crazy beldam, who seeing
» us trudge by, invited us to lodge there. Glad of
» any cover, we went in, and my fellow traveller,
» taking all upon him, called for what the house
» afforded, and we supped together as man and
» wife; which, considering our figures and ages,
» could not have passed on any one but such as
» any thing could pass on. But when bed time came
» on, we had neither of us the courage to contra-
» diet our first account of ourselves; and what was
» extremely pleasant, the young lad seemed as
» perplexed as I was, how to evade lying together,
» which was so natural for the state we had pre-
» tended to. Whilst we were in this quandary, the
» landlady takes the candle, and lights us to our
» apartment, through a long yard, at the end of
» which it stood, separate from the body of the
» house. Thus we suffered ourselves to be con-
» ducted, without saying a word in opposition to
» it; and there, in a wretched room, with a bed
» answerable, we were left to pass the night toge-
» ther, as a thing quite of course. For my part, I
» was so incredible innocent, as not even then to
» think much more harm of going into bed with
» the young man, than with one of our dairy
— 172 —
» wenches; nor had he, perhaps, any other notions
» than those of innocence, till such a fair occasion
» put them into his head.
» Before either of us undressed, however, he put
» out the candle; and the bitterness of the weather
» made it a kind of necessity for me to go into
» bed : slipping then my cloaths off, I crept under
» the bed cloaths, where I found the young strip-
» ling already nestled, and the touch of his varm
» flesh rather pleased than alarmed me. I was in-
» deed too much disturbed with the novelty of my
» condition to be able to sleep; but then 1 had not
» the least thought of harm. But, ohl how powcr-
» ml are the instincts of nature! how little is there
» wanting to set them in action 1 The young man,
» sliding his arm under my body, drew me gently
» towards him, as if to keep himself and me warmer;
» and the heat I felt from joining our breasts,
» kindled another that I had hitherto never felt,
* and was, even then, a stranger to the nature of.
» Emboldened, I suppose, by my easiness, he ven-
» tured to kiss me, and I insensibly returned it,
» without knowing the consequence of returning
» it : for, on this encouragement, he slipped his
» hand all down from my breast to that part of me
» where the sense of feeling is so exquisitely criti-
• cal. as I men experienced by its instant taking
» fire upon the touch, and glowing with a strange
» tickling beat: there he pleased himself and me,
» by feeling, till growing a little too bold, he hurt
» me, and made me complain. Then he took my
— 175 —
» hand, which he guided, not unwillingly on my
» side, between the twist of his closed thighs,
» which were extremely warm; there he lodged
» and pressed it, till raising it by degrees, he made
» me feel the proud distinction of his sex from
» mine. I was frightened at the novelty, and drew
» back my hand; yet, pressed and spurred on by
» sensations of a strange pleasure, I could not help
» asking him what that was for? He told me he
» would shew me if I would let him; and, without
» waiting for my answer, which he prevented by
» stopping my mouth with kisses I was tar from
» disrelishing, he got upon me, and inserting one
» of his thighs between mine, opened them so as to
>» make way for himself and fixed me to his pur-
+
» pose; whilst I was so much out of my usual
» sense, so subdued by the present power of a new
» one, that, between fear and desire, I lay utterly
» passive, till the piercing pain rouzed and made
» me cry out. But it was too late : he was too firm
» fixed in the saddle for me to compass flinging
» him, with all the struggles I could use, some of
» which only served to further his point, and at
» length an irresistible thrust murdered at once my
>» maidenhead, and almost me. I now lay a bleeding
» witness of the necessity imposed on oar sex, to
» gather the first honey off the thorns.
» But the pleasure rising as the pain subsided, I
» was soon reconciled to fresh trials, and before
» morning, nothing on earth could be dearer to me
» than this rifler of my virgin sweets : he was every
— 174 —
« My tather was neither better nor worse than a
» thing to me now. How we agreed to join fort-
» unes; how we came up to town together, where
» we lived some time, till necessity parted us, and
* dro^e me into this course of life, to which I had
» been long ago battered and torn to pieces before
» 1 came to this age, as much through my inclina-
» tion, had it not been for my finding refuge in
» this house : these are all circumstances which
» pass the mark I proposed, so that here my narra-
» rive ends. »
In the order of our sitting, it was Harriefs mm
to go on. Amongst all the beauties of our sex, that
I had before, or have since seen, few indeed were
the forms that could dispute excellence with her's;
it was not delicate, but delicacy itself incarnate,
such was the symmetry of her small but exacdy
fashioned limbs. Her complexion, fair as it was,
appeared yet more fair, from the effect of two black
eyes, the brilliancy of which gave her face more
vivacity than belonged to the colour of it, which
was only defended from paleness, by a sweetly
pleasing blush in her cheeks, that grew fainter and
fainter, till at length it died away insensibly into the
overbearing white. Then her miniature features
joined to finish the extreme sweetness of it, which
was not belied by that of a temper turned to indol-
ence, languor, and the pleasures of love. Pressed
to subscribe her contingent, she smiled, blushed a
little, and thus complied with our desires :
~ 175 ~
» miller near the city of York; and both he and my
» mother dying whilst I was an infant, I fell under
» the care of a widow and childless aunt, house-
» keeper to my lord
N....., at his seat in the country
» of..., where'she brought me up with all imaginable
» tenderness. I was not seventeen, as I am not now
» eighteen, before I had, on account of my person
» purely (for fortune I had notoriously none), sev-
» eral advantageous proposals; but whether nature
» was slow in making me sensible in her favourite
» passion, or that I had not seen any of the other
» sex who had stirred up the least emotion or cu-
» riosity to be better acquainted with it, I had, till
» that age, preserved a perfect innocence, even of
» thought: whilst my fears of I did not well know
» what, made me no more desirous of marrying
» than of dying. My aunt, good woman, favoured
» my timorousness, which she looked on as childish
» affection, that her own experience might probably
» assure her would wear off in time, and gave my
» suitors proper answers for me.
» The family had not been down at that seat for
» years, so that it was neglected, and committed
» entirely to my aunt, and two old domesticks to
» take care of it. Thus I had the full range of a
» spacious lonely house and gardens, situated at
» about half a mile distance from any other habita-
» tion, except, perhaps, a straggling cottage or so.
» Here, in tranquillity and innocence, I grew
» up without any memorable accident, till one fatal
» day, I had, as I had often done before, left my
» aunt asleep, and secure for some hours, after din-
» ner; and resorting to a kind of ancient summer
» house, at some distance from the house, I carried
» my work with me, and sat over a rivulet, which
» its door and window freed upon. Here I fell into
» a gentle breathing slumber, which stole upon my
» senses, as they fainted under the excessive heat
» of the season at that hour; a cane couch, with
» my work basket for a pillow, were all the conven-
» iences of my short repose; for I was soon awak-
» ed and alarmed by a flounce, and noise of
» splashiog in the water. I got up to see what was
» the matter; and what indeed should be but the
» son of a neighbouring gentleman, as I afterwards
» found (for I had never seen him before), who
» had strayed that way with his gun, and heated
» by his sport, and the sultriness of the day, had
» been tempted by the freshness of the clear stream;
» so that presently stripping, he jumped into it on
» the other side, which bordered on a wood, some
» trees whereof, inclined down to the water, form-
» ed a pleasing shady recess, commodious to
» undress and leave his cloaths under.
» My first emotions at the sight of this youth,
» naked in the water, were, with all imaginable
» respect to truth, those of surprize and fear; and,
» in course, I should immediately have run out,
» had not my modesty, fatally for itself, interposed
» the objection of the door and window being so
» situated, that it was scarce possible to get out,
» and make my way along the bank to the house,
— 177 —
*3
» without his seeing me : which I could not bear
» the thought of, so much ashamed and confounded
» was I at having seen him. Condemned then to
» stay till his departure should release me, I was
» greatly embarrassed how to dispose of myself: I
» kept some time betwixt terror and modesty, even
» from looking through the window, which being
» an old fashioned casement, without any light be-
» hind me, could hardly betray any one's being
» there to him from within; then the door was so
» secure, that without violence, or my own con-
» sent, there was no opening it from without.
» But now, by my own experience, I found it
» too true, that objects which affright us, when we
» cannot get from them, draw our eyes as forcibly
» as those that please us. I could not long with-
» stand that nameless impulse, which, without any
» desire of this novel sight, compelled me towards
» it; emboldened too by my certainty of being at
» once unseen and safe, I ventured by degrees to
» cast my eyes on an object so terrible and alarm-
» ing to my virgin modesty as a naked man. But
9 as 1 snatched a look, the first gleam that struck
» me, was in general the dewy lustre of the whit-
9 est skin imaginable, which the sun playing upon
» made the reflection of it perfectly beamy. His
» free, in the confusion I was in, I could not well
» distinguish the lineaments of, any farther than
9 that there was a great deal of youth and freshness
» in it. The frolic and various play of all his fine
» polished limbs, as they appeared above the sur-
- i78 -
» face, in the course of bis swimming or wanton-
» ing with the water, amnsed and insensibly de-
ft lighted me : sometimes he lay motionless on
» his back, water-borne, and dragging after him a
» fine head of hair, that, floating, swept the stream
» in a bush of black curls. Then the overflowing
» water would make a separation between his
» breast and glossy white belly, at the bottom of
» which I could not escape observing so remar-
» kable a distinction, as a black mossy tuft, out of
» which appeared to emerge a round, sottish,
» limber, white something, that played every way,
» with every the least motion or whirling eddy.
» I cannot say but that part chiefly, by a kind of
» natural instinct, attracted, detained, captivated
» my attention: it was out of the power of all
» my modesty to command my eye away from it;
» and seeing nothing so very dreadful in its appear-
» ance, I insensibly looked away all my fears :
» but as fist as they gave way, new desires and
» strange wishes took place, and I melted as I
» gazed. The fire of nature, that had so long lain
» dormant or concealed, began to break out, and
» make me feel my sex for the first time. He had
» now changed his posture, and swam prone on
» his belly, striking out with his legs and arms,
» finer modeled than which could not have been
» cast, whilst his floating locks played over a neck
» and shoulders, whose whiteness they delightfully
» set off. Then the luxuriant swell of flesh that
» rose from the small of his back, and terminates
\
— 179 —
its double cope at where the thighs are set off, per-
fectly dazzled one with its watery glistening
gloss.
» By this time I was so affected by this inward
involution of sentiments, so softened by mis
sight, that now, betrayed into a sudden transition
from extreme fears to extreme desires, I found
these last so strong upon me, the heat of the
weather too perhaps conspiring to exalt their
rage, that nature almost fainted under them. Not
that I so much as knew precisely what was want-
ing to me : my only thought was, that so sweet
a creature, as this youth seemed to me, could
only make me happy; but then, the little likeli-
hood there was of compassing an acquaintance
with him, or perhaps of ever seeing him again,
dashed my desires, and turned them into tor-
ments. I was still gazing, with all the powers of
my sight, on this bewitching object, when, in
an instant, down he went. I had heard of such
things as a cramp seizing on even the best swim-
mers, and occasioning their being drowned; and
imagining this so sudden eclipse to be owing to
it, the inconceivable fondness this unknown had
given birth to, distracted me with the most kil-
ling terrors; insomuch, that my concern giving
the wings, I flew to the door, opened it, ran
down to the canal, guided thither by the mad-
ness of my fears for him, and the intense de-
sire of being an instrument to save him, though
I was ignorant how, or by what means to effect
— i8o —
» it: but was it for fears, and a passion so sudden
» as mine, to reason ? All this took up scarce the
» space of a few moments. I had then just life
» enough to reach the green borders of the water-
» piece, where wildly looking round for the young
» man, and missing him still, my night and con-
» cern sunk me down in a deep swoon, which
» must have lasted me some time; for I did not
» come to myself, till I was roused out of it by a
» sense of pain that pierced me to the vitals, and
» awak'd me to the most surprising circumstance
» of finding myself not only in the arms of this
» very same young gentleman I had been so soli-
» citous to save, but taken at such an advantage
» in my unresisting condition, that he had ac-
» tually compleated bis entrance into me so far,
» that weakened as I was by all the preceding con-
» flicts of mind I had suffered, and struck dumb
» by the violence of my surprise, I had neither the
» power to cry out, nor the strength to disengage
» myself from bis strenuous embraces, before,
» urging his point, he had forced his way and
» completely triumphed over my virginity, as he
» might now as well see by the streams of blood
» that followed his drawing out, as he had felt by
» the difficulties he had met with consummating
» his penetration. But the sight of the blood, and
» the sense of my condition, had (as he told me
» afterwards), since the ungovernable rage of his
» passion was somewhat appeased, now wrought
» so far on him, that at all risks, even of the worst
» consequences, he could not find in his heart to
» leave me, and make off, which he might easily
» have done. I still lay all discomposed in bleeding
» ruin, palpitating, speechless, unable to get off,
» and frightened, and fluttering like a poor wounded
» partridge, and ready to feint away again at the
» sense of what had befallen me. The young gentle-
» man was by me, kneeling, kissing my hand,
» and with tears in his eyes, beseeching me to
» forgive him, and offering all the reparation in
» his power. It is certain that could I, at the in-
» stant of regaining my senses, have called out, or
» taken the bloodiest revenge, I would not have
» stuck at it: the violation was attended too with
» such aggravating circumstances, though he was
» ignorant of them, since it was to my concern for
» the preservation of his life, that I ow'd my
» ruin.
» But how quick is the shift of passions from
» one extreme to another 1 and how little are they
» acquainted with the human heart who dispute it!
» I could not see this amiable criminal, so suddenly
» the first object of my love, and as suddenly of
» my just hate, on his knees, bedewing my hand
» with his tears, without relenting. He was still
» stark-naked, but my modesty had been already
» too much wounded, in essentials, to be so much
» shocked as I should have otherwise been with
» appearances only; in short, my anger ebbed so
» fast, and the tide of love returned so strong upon
» me, that 1 felt it a point of my own happiness
— 18a —
» to forgive him. The reproaches I made him
» were murmured in so soft a tone, my eyes met
» his with such glances, expressing more languor
» than resentment, mat he could not but presume
» his forgiveness was at no desperate distance; but
i» still he would not quit his posture of submission,
» till I had pronounced his pardon in form; which
» after the most fervent entreaties, protestations,
» and promises, I had not the power to withold.
» On which, with the utmost marks of a fear of
» again offending, he ventured to kiss my lips,
» which 1 neither declined or resented : but on
» my mild expostulation, with him upon the barbar-
» ity of his treatment, he explained the mystery
» of my .ruin, if not entirely to the clearance, at
» least much to the alleviation of his guilt, in the
» eyes of a judge so partial in his favour as I was
» grown. It seems that the circumstance of his
» going down, or sinking, which in my extreme
» ignorance I had mistaken for something very
» fatal, was no other than a trick of diving, which
» I had not ever heard, or at least attended to,
» the mention of; and he was so long-breath'd at
» it, that in the few moments in which I ran out
* to save him, he had not yet emerged, before
» I fell into the swoon, in which, as he rose,
» seeing me extended on the bank, his first idea
» was, that some young woman was upon some
» design of frolic or diversion with him, for he
» knew I could not have fallen asleep there
» without his having seen me before : agreeably
»
»
»
» to which notion he had ventured to approach,
» and finding me without sign of life, and still
» perplexed as he was what to think of the adven-
» ture, he took me in his arms at all hazards, and
carried me into the summer-house, of which he
observed the door open : there be laid me down
» on the couch, and tried, as he protested in good
» faith, by several means to bring me to myself
» again, till fired, as he said, beyond all bearing by
» the sight and touch of several parts of me,
» which were unguardedly exposed to him, he
» could no longer govern his passion; and the
» less, as he was not quite sure that his first idea
of this swoon being a feint, was not the very
» truth of the case: seduced then by this flattering
» notion, and overcome by the present, as he
» styled them, super-human temptations, combined
» with the solitude and seeming security of the
» attempt, he was not enough his own master not
» to make it. Leaving me then just only whilst he
» fastened the door, he returned with redoubled
» eagerness to his prey : when, finding me still
» entranced, he ventured to place me as he pleased,
» whilst I felt, no more man the dead, what he
» was about, till the pain he put me to roused me
» just time enough to be witness of a triumph
» I was not able to defeat, and now scarce regretted:
» for as he talked, the tone of his voice sounded,
» methought, so sweetly in my ears, the sensible
» nearness of so new and interesting an object to
» me, wrought so powerfully upon me, that, in the
— 184 —
» rising perception of things in a new and pleasing
» sight, I lost all sense of the past injury. The
» young gentleman soon discerned the symptoms
» of a reconciliation in my softened looks, and
» hastening to receive the seal of it from my lips,
» pressed them tenderly to pass his pardon in the
» return of a kiss so melting fiery, that the impres-
» sion of it being carried to my heart, and thence
» to my new discovered sphere of Venus, I was
» melted into a softness that could refuse htm
» nothing. When now he managed his caresses
» and endearments so artfully, as to insinuate the
» most soothing consolations for the past pain and
» the most pleasing expectations of future pleasure,
» but whilst mere modesty kept my eyes from
» seeing his and rather declined them, I had a
» glimpse of that instrument of the mischief which
» was now, obviously even to me, who had scarce
» had snatches of a comparative observation of it,
» resuming its capacity to renew it, and grew
» greatly alarming with its increase of size, as he
» bore it no doubt designedly hard and stiff against
» one of my hands carelessly dropt; but then he
» employed such tender prefacing, such winning
» progressions, that my returning passion of desire
» being now so strongly prompted by the engaging
» circumstances of the sight and incendiary touch
» of his naked glowing beauties, I yield at length
» to the force of the present impressions, and he
m obtained of my tacit blushing consent all the
» gratifications of pleasure left in the power of my
— 18$ —
24
» poor person to bestow, after he had cropt its
» richest flower, during my suspension of life, and
» abilities to guard it.
» Here, according to the rule laid down, I should
» stop; but I am so much in motion, that I could
» not if I would. I shall only add, however, that
» I got home without the least discovery, or sus-
» picion of what had happened. I met my young
» ravisher several times after, whom I now
» passionately loved, and who, though not of age
» to claim a small but independent fortune, would.
» have married me; but as the accident that pre-
» vented it, and its consequences, which threw
» me on the public, contain matters too moving
» and serious to introduce at present, I cut short
» here. »
Louisa, the brunette whom I mentioned at first,
now took her turn to treat the company with her
history. I have already hinted to you the graces of
her person, than which nothing could be more
exquisitely touching; 1 repeat touching, as a just
distinction from striking, which is ever a less
lasting effect, and more generally belongs to the
fair complexions; but leaving that decision to every
one's taste, I proceed to give you Louisa's narrative,
as follows :
« According to practical maxims of life, I ought
» to boast of my birth, since I owe it to pure
» love, without marriage; but this 1 know, it was
— 186 —
» scarce possible to inherit a stronger propensity
» to mat cause of my being than I did. I was the
» rare production of the first essay of a journeyman
» cabinet-maker, on his master's maid: the conse-
» quence of which was a big belly, and the loss of
» a place. He was not in circumstances to do much
» for her; and yet, after all this blemish, she
» found means, after she had dropt her burthen,
» and disposed of me to a poor relation in the
» country, to repair it by marrying a pastry-cook
» here in London, in thriving business; on whom
» she soon, under favour of the compleat ascend-
» ant he had given her over him, passed me for
n a child she had by her first husband. I had, on
» that footing, been taken home, and was not six
» years old when this father-in-law died, and left
» my mother in tolerable circumstances, and
» without any children by him. As to my natural
» father, he had betaken himself to the sea; where,
» when the truth of things came out, I was told
» that he died, not immensely rich you may think,
» since he was no more than a common sailor. As
» I grew up, under the eyes of my mother, who
» kept on the business, I could not but see, in her
» severe watchfulness, the marks of a slip, which
» she did not care should be hereditary; but we
» no more* choose our passions than our features or
» complexions, and the bent of mine was so
» strong to the forbidden pleasure, that it got the
» better, at length, of all her care and precaution,
» I was scarce twelve years old, before that part
— 187 —
» which she wanted so much to keep out of
» harm's way, made me feel its impatience to be
» taken notice of, and come into play : already
» had it put forth the signs of forwardness in the
» sprout of a soft down over it, which had often
» flattered, and I might also say, grown under my
» constant touch and visitation, so pleased was
» I with what I took to be a kind of title to
» womanhood, that state I pined to be entered of,
» for the pleasures I conceived were annexed to it;
» and now the growing importance of that part to
» me, and the new sensations in it, demolished at
» once all my girlish play-things and amusements.
» Nature now pointed me strongly to more solid
» diversions, while all the strings of desire settled
» so fiercely in that little centre of them, that
» I could not mistake the spot I wanted a play-
» fellow in.
» I now shunned all company in which there
» was no hopes of coming at the object of my
» longings, and used to shut myself up, to indulge
» 4n solitude some tender meditation on the pleas-*
» ures I strongly perceived the overture of, in
» feeling and examining what nature assured me
» must be the chosen avenue, the gates for the
» unknown bliss to enter at, that I panted after.
» But these meditations only increased my
» disorder, and blew the fire that consumed me.
» I was yet worse when, yielding at length to the
» insupportable irritations of the little fairy charm
» that tormented me, I seized it with my fingers,
— 188 —
» tearing it to no end. Sometimes, in the rations
» excitations of desire, I threw myself on the bed,
» spread my thighs abroad, and lay as it were
» expecting the longed-for relief, till finding my
» illusion, I shut and squeezed them together again,
» burning and freting. In short, this devilish thing,
» with its impetuous girds and itching fires, led me
» such a life, that I could neither, night or day, be
» at peace with it or myself. In time, however, I
» thought I had gained a prodigious prize, when
» figuring to myself that my fingers were something
» of the shape of what I pined for, I worked my
» way in with one of them with great agitation and
» delight; yet not without pain too did I deflour
» myself as far as it could reach; proceeding with
» such a fury of passion, in this solitary and last
» shift of pleasure, as extended me at length breath-
» less on the bed in an amorous melting trance.
' » But frequency of use dulling the sensation, I
» soon began to perceive that this work was but a
» paultry shallow expedient, that went but a little
» way to relieve me, and rather raised more flame
» than its dry and insignificant titillation could
» rightly appease.
» Man alone, I almost instinctively knew, as well
» as by what I had industriously picked up at
» weddings and christenings, was possessed of the
» only remedy that could reduce this rebellious
» disorder; but watched and overlooked as I was,
» how to come at it was the point, and that, to
» all appearance, an invincible one; not that I did
» not rack my brains and invention how at once to
» elude my mother's vigilance, and procure myself
» the satisfaction of my impetuous curiosity and
» longings for this mighty and untasted pleasure.
» At length, however, a singular chance did at
» once the work of a long course of alertness. One
» day that we had dined at an acquaintance over
» the way, together with a gentlewoman-lodger
» that occupied the first floor of our house, there
» started an indispensable necessity for my mother's
» going down to Greenwich to accompany her:
» the party was settled, when I do not know what
» genius whispered me to plead a head-ache,
» which I certainly had not, against my being
» included in a jaunt that I had not the least
» relish for. The pretext however passed, and my
» mother, with much reluctance, prevailed with
» herself to go without me; but took particular
» care to see me safe home, where she consigned
» me into the hands of an old trusty maid-servant,
» who served in the shop, for we had not a male
» creature in the house.
» As soon as she was gone, I told the maid I
» would go up and lie down on our lodger's bed,
» mine not being made, with a charge to her at
» the same time not to disturb me, as it was only
» rest I wanted. This injunction probably proved
» of eminent service to me. As soon as 1 was got
» into the bed-chamber, I unlaced my stays, and
» threw myself on the outside of the bed-cloaths,
» in all the loosest undress. Here I gave myself up
» to the old insipid privy shifts of self-viewing,
» self-torching, self-enjoying, in fine, to all the
»• means of self knowledge I could devise, in search
» of the pleasure that fled before me, and tantal-
» ized with that unknown something that was out
» of my reach; thus all only served to enflame
•> myself and to provoke violently my desires,
» whilst the one thing needful to their satisfaction
» was not at hand, and I could have bit my fingers
» for representing it so ill. After then wearying
» and fatiguing myself with grasping shadows,
^ whilst that most sensible part of me disdained
» to content itself with less than realities, the strong
d yearnings, the urgent struggles of nature towards
» the melting relief, and the extreme self-agitations
» I had used to come at it, had wearied and thrown
» me into a kind of unquiet sleep: for, if I tossed
» and threw about my limbs in proportion to the
» distraction of my dreams, as I had reason to
» believe I did, a by-stander could not have helped
w seeing all for love. And one there was it seems;
» for waking out of my very abort slumber, I found
» my hand locked in that of a young man, who
» was kneeling at my bed-side, and begging my
» pardon for his boldness : but that being son
» to the lady to whom this bed-chamber, he
» knew, belong'd, he had slipped by the servant
» of the shop, as he supposed, unperceived, when
» finding me asleep, his first ideas were to with-
» draw; but that he had been fixed and detained
» there by a power he could better account for,
» than resist.
« What shall I say ? my emotions of fear and
» surprise were instantly subdued by those of the
» pleasure I bespoke in great presence of mind
» from the turn this adventure might take. He seem-
» ed to me no other than a pitying angel, dropt
» out of the clouds: for he was young and perfectly
» handsome, which was more than even I had
» asked for, man, in general, being all that my ut-
» most desires had pointed at. I thought then I
» could not put too much encouragement into my
» eyes and voice; I regretted no leading advances;
n no matter for his after-opinion of my foiwardness,
9 so it might bring him to the point of answering
» my pressing demands of present ease; it wis not
» now with his thoughts, but his actions, that my
» business immediately lay. I raised then my head,
» and told him, in a soft tone, that tended to pre-
n scribe the same key to him, that his mamma was
» gone out and would not return till late at night:
» which I thought no bad hint; but as it proved, I
» had nothing of a novice to deal with. The im-
» pressions I had made on him, from the discov-
» ertes I had betrayed of my person in the disor-
» dertd motions of it, during his view of me
9 asleep, had, as he afterwards told me, so fixed and
» chajmingly prepared him, that, had I known his
9 dispositions, I had more to hope from his vio-
> » lence, than to fear from hb respect; and even less
9 than the extreme tenderness which I threw into
— 192 —
» my voice and eyes, would have served to encou-
» rage him to make the most of the opportunity.
» Finding then that his kisses, imprinted on my
» hand, were taken as tamely as he could wish, he
» rose to my lips; and glewing his to them, made
» me so faint with overcoming joy and pleasure,
» that I fell back, and he with me, in course, on
» the bed, upon which I had, by insensibly shifting
» from the side to near the middle, invitingly made
» room for him. He is now lain down by me, and
» the minutes being too precious to consume in
» untimely ceremony, or dalliance, my youth pro-
» ceeds immediately to those extremities, which
» all my looks, humming and palpitations, had assur-
» ed him he might attempt without the fear of a
» repulse : those rogues the men, read us admira-
» bly on these occasions. I lay then at length pant-
» ing for the imminent attack, with wishes far
» beyond my fears, and for which it was scarce
» feasible for a girl, barely thirteen, but tall and
» well grown, to have better dispositions. He
» threw up my petticoat and shift, whilst my
» thighs were, by an instinct of nature, unfolded
» to their best; and my desires had so thoroughly
» destroyed all modesty in me, that even their
» being now naked and all laid open to him, was
» part of the prelude that pleasure deepen'd my
a blushes. dt| more than shame. But when his hand.
» and touches, naturally attracted to their center,
» made me feel all their wantonness and warmth in,
» and round it, oh I how immensely different a
— 193 —
*5
» sense of things did I perceive there, than when
» under my own insipid handling I And now bis
» waistcoat was unbuttoned, and the confinement
» of the breeches burst through, when out started
» to view the amazing, pleasing object of all my
» wishes, all my dreams, all my love, the king
» member indeed 1 I gazed at, I devoured it, at
» length and breadth, with my eyes intently direct-
» ed to it, till his getting upon me, and placing
» between my thighs, took from me the enjoyment
» of its sight, to give me a far more grateful one,
» in its touch, in that part where its touch is so
» exquisitely affecting. Applying it then to the min-
» ute opening, for such at that age it certainly
» was, I met with too much good will, I felt with
» too great a rapture of pleasure the first insertion
» of it, to heed much the pain that followed: I
» thought nothing too dear to pay for mis the
richest treat of the senses; so that, split up, torn,
» bleeding, mangled, I was still superiourly pleas-
» ed, and hugged the author of all this delicious
n ruin. But when, soon after, he made his second
» attack, sore as every thing was, the smart was
» soon put away by the sovereign cordial; all my
» soft complainings were silenced, and the pain
» melting fast away into pleasure, I abandoned
» myself over to all its transports, and gave it the
» full possession of my whole body and soul; for
» now all thought was at an end with me; I lived
» but in what I felt only. And who could describe
» those feelings, those agitations, yet exalted by
— 194 —
» the charm of their novelty and surprise? when"
» that part of me which had so long hungered for
» the dear morsel that now so delightfully cram-
» med, forced all my vital sensations to fix their
» home there, during the stay of my beloved guest;
» who too soon paid me for bis hearty welcome,
» in a dissolvent, richer far than mat I have heard
» of some queen treating her paramour with, in li-
» quified pearl, and ravishingly poured into me,
» where, now myself too much melted to give it a
» dry reception, I hailed it with the warmest con-
» fluence on my side, amidst all those ecstatic rap-
» tures, not unfamiliar I presume to this good
» company. Thus, however, I arrived at the very
» top of all my wishes, by an accident unexpected
» indeed, but not so wonderful; for mis young
» gentleman was just arrived in town from college,
» and came familiarly to bis mother at her apartment,
» where he had once before been, though, by
» mere chance, I had not seen him: so that we
» knew one another by hearing only; and finding
» me stretched on his mother's bed, he readily
» concluded, from her description, who it was.
» The rest you know.
» This affair had however no ruinous consequenc-
» es, the young gentleman escaping then, and
» many more times undiscovered. But the warmth
» of my constitution, that made the pleasures of
» love a kind of necessary of hfe to me, having
» betrayed me into indiscretions fatal to my private
» fortune, I fell at length to the public, from which,
» it is probable, I might have met with the worst
» of rain, if my better fate had not thrown me into
» this safe and agreeable refuge. »
'Here Louisa ended; and these little histories
having brought the time for the girls to retire, and
to prepare for the revels of the evening, I staid
with Mrs. Cole, till Emily came, and told us the
company was met, and waited for us.
Mrs. Cole on this, taking me by the hand, with
a smile of encouragement, led me up stairs, preced-
ed by Louisa, who was come to hasten us, and
lighted us with two candles, one in each hand.
On the landing-place of the first pair of stairs,
we were met by a young gentleman, extremely
well dressed, and a very pretty figure, to whom
I was to be indebted for the first essay of the
pleasures of the house. He saluted me with great
gallantry, and handed me into the drawing room,
the floor of which was overspread with a Turkey
carpet, and all its furniture voluptuously adapted
to every demand of the most studied luxury; now
too it was, by means of a profuse illumination,
enlivened by a light scarce inferior, and perhaps
more favourable to joy, more tenderly pleasing,
than that of broad sunshine.
On my entrance into the room, I had the satis-
faction to hear a buzz of approbation run through
the whole company, which now consisted of four
gentlemen, including my particular (this was the
cant term of the house for one's gallant for the
— i$6 —
time), the three young women, in a neat flowing
dishabille, the mistress of the academy, and myself.
I was welcomed and saluted by a kiss all round, in
which, however, it was easy to discover, in the
superiour warmth of that of the men, the distinction
of the sexes.
Awed, and confounded as I was, at seeing
myself surrounded, caressed, and made court to by
so many strangers, I could not immediately famil-
iarize' myself to all that air of gaiety and joy,
which dictated their compliments, and animated
their caresses.
They assured me that I was so perfectly to their
taste, as to have but one fault against me, which I
might easily be cured of, and that was my modesty:
this, they observed, might pass for a beauty the
more with those who wanted it for a heightener;
but their maxim was, that it was an impertinent
mixture, and dashed the cup so as to spoil the
sincere draught of pleasure; they considered it
accordingly as their mortal enemy, and gave it no
quarter wherever they met with it. This was a
prologue not unworthy of the revels that ensued.
In the midst of all the frolic and wantonnesses,
which this joyous band had presently, and all natu-
rally, run into, an elegant supper was served in,
and we sat down to it, my spark elect placing
himself next to me, and the other couples without
order or ceremony. The delicate cheer and good
wine soon banished all reserve; the conversation
grew as lively as could be wished, without taking
he could be settled there; but meeting with an
agreeable and advantageous match in that kingdom,
he chcse the wiser part, and forebore sending for
me, but at the same time took care that 1 should
receive a very magnificent present, which did not
however compensate for all my deep regret on my
loss of him.
This event also created a chasm in our little so-
ciety, which Mrs. Cole, on the foot of her usual
caution, was in no haste to fill up; but then it redoubl-
ed her attention to procure me, in the advantages
of a traffick for a counterfeit maidenhead, some
consolation for the sort of widowhood I had been
left in; and this was a scheme she had never lost
prospect of, and only waited for a proper person to
bring it to bear with.
But I was, it seems, fated to be my own caterer
in this, as I had been in my first trial of the market.
I had now passed near a month in the enjoyment
of all the pleasures of familiarity and society with
my companions, whose particular favourites (the
baronet excepted, who soon after took Harriet home),
had all, on the terms of community established in
the house, solicited the gratification of their taste
for variety in my embraces; but I had with the ut-
most art and address, on various pretexts, eluded
their pursuit, without giving them cause to com-
plain ; and this reserve I used neither out of dislike
of them, or disgust of the thing, but my true rea-
son was my attachement to my own, and my ten-
derness of invading the choice of my companions,
who outwardly exempt, as they seemed, from jeal-
ousy, could not but in secret like me the better
for the regard I had for, without making a merit
of it to them. Thus easy, and belov'd by the whole
family, did I go on; when one day, that, about five
in the afternoon, I step'd over to a fruit shop in
Covent Garden, to pick some table fruit for myself
and the young women, I met with the following
adventure.
Whilst I was chaffering for the fruit I wanted, I
observ'd myself followed by a young gentleman,
whose rich dress first attracted my notice; for the
rest, he had nothing remarkable in his person, ex-
cept that he was pale, thin made, and ventured
himself upon legs rather of the slenderest. Easy
was it to perceive, without seeming to perceive it,
that it was me he wanted to be at, and keeping his
eyes fixed on me, till he came to the same basket
that I stood at, and cheapening, or rather giving the
first price ask'd for the fruit, began his approaches.
Now most certainly I was not at all out of figure to
pass for a modest girl. I had neither the feathers,
nor fumet of a taudry town miss : a straw hat, a
white gown, clean linen, and above all, a certain
natural and easy air of modesty (which the appear-
ances of never forsook me, even on those occasions
that I most broke in upon it, in practice) were all
signs that gave him no opening to conjecture my con-
dition. He spoke to me, and this address from a
stranger throwing a blush into my cheeks, that still
set him wider of the truth, I answered him, with
— 223 —
an awkwardness and confusion the more apt to im-
pose, as there really was a mixture of the genuine
in them. But when proceeding, on the foot of hav-
ing broke the ice, to join discourse, he went into
other leading questions, I put so much innocence,
simplicity, and even childishness, into my answers,
that on no better foundation, liking my person as
he did, I will not answer for it, he would have been
sworn for my modesty. There is, in short, in the
men, when once they are caught, by the eye especi-
ally, a fund of cuUibility that their lordly wisdom
little dreams of, and in virtue of which the most sa-
gacious of them are seen so often our dupes.
Amongst other queries he put to me, one was, whe-
ther I was married ? I replied, that I was too young
to think of that this many a year. To that of my
age, I answered, and sunk a year upon him, passing
myself for not above seventeen. As to my way of
life, I told him 1 had served an apprenticeship to a
milliner in Preston, and was come to town after a
relation, that I had found, on my arrival, was dead,
and now lived journey-woman to a milliner in town.
That last article, indeed, was not much of the side
of what I pretended to pass for; but it did pass,
under favour of the growing passion I had inspired
him with. After he had next got out of me, very
dexterously as he thought, what I had no sort of
design to make reserve of, my own, my mistress's
name, and place of abode, he loaded me with fruit,
all the rarest and dearest he could pick out, and
— 224- —
sent me home, pondering on what might be the
consequence of this adventure.
As soon then as I came to Mrs. Cole's, I related
to her all that passed, on which she very judiciously
concluded, that if he did not come after me there
was no harm done, and that, if he did, as her pre-
sage suggested to her he would, his character and
his views should be well sifted, so as to know
whether the game was worth the springes; that in
the mean time nothing was easier than my part in
it, since no more rested on me than to follow her
cue and promptership throughout, till the last act.
The next morning, after an evening spent on his
side, as we afterwards learnt, in perquisitions into
Mrs. Cole's character in the neighbourhood (than
which nothing could be more favourable to her de-
signs upon him), my gentleman came in his chariot
to the shop, where Mrs. Cole alone had an inkling
of his errand. Asking then for her, he easily made
a beginning of acquaintance by bespeaking some
millinery ware : when, as I sat without lifting up
my eyes, and pursuing the hem of a ruffle with the
utmost composure and simplicity of industry, Mrs.
Cole took notice, that the first impressions I made
on him ran no risk of being destroyed by those of
Louisa and Emily, who were then sitting at work by
me. After vainly endeavouring to catch my eyes in
rencounter with his (I held my head down, affect-
ing a kind of consciousness of guilt for having, by
speaking to him, given him encouragement and
means of following me), and after giving Mrs. Cole
direction when to bring the things home herself,
and the time he should expect them, he went
out, taking with him some goods, that he paid
for liberally, for the better grace of his intro-
duction.
The girls all this time did not in the least smoak
the mystery of this new customer; but Mrs. Cole,
as soon as we were conveniently alone, insured me,
in virtue of her long experience in these matters,
« that for this bout my charms had not missed
» fire; for by his eagerness, his manner and looks,
» she was sure he had it : the only point now in
» doubt was his character and circumstances, which
» her knowledge of the town would soon gain her
» the sufficient acquaintance with, to take her mea-
» sures upon. »
And effectively, in a few hours, her intelligence
served her so well, that she learned that this conquest
of mine was no other than Mr.
Norbert, a gentleman
originally of great fortune, which, with a constitu-
tion naturally not the best, he had vastly impaired
by his over-violent pursuit of the vices of the town;
in the course of which, having worn out and staled
all the more common modes of debauchery, he
had fallen into a taste of maiden-hunting, in which
chase he had ruined a number of girls, sparing no
expense to compass his ends, and generally using
them well till tired, or cooled by enjoyment, or
springing a new face, he could with more ease
disembarrass himself of the old ones, and resign
them 13 their fate, as his sphere of achievements of
*9
226
that sort lay only amongst such as he could proceed
with by way of bargain and sale.
Concluding from these premises, Mrs. Cole
observed, that a character of this sort was ever a
lawful prize; that the sin would be, not to make
the best of our market of him; and that she thought
such a girl as me only too good for him at any
rate, and on any terms.
She went then, at the hour appointed, to his
lodgings in one of our inns of court, which were
furnished in a taste of grandeur that had a special
eye to all the conveniences of luxury and pleasure.
Here she found him in ready waiting, and after
finishing her business of pretence, and a long
conduit of discussions concerning her trade, which
she said was very bad, the qualities of her servants,
'prentices, journey-women, the discourse naturally
landed at length on me, when Mrs. Cole, acting
admirably the good old prating gossip, who lets
every thing escape her when her tongue is set in
motion, cooked him up a story so plausible of
me, throwing in every now and then such strokes
of art, with all the simplest air of nature, in
praise of my person and temper, as finished
him finely for her purpose, whilst nothing could
be better counterfeited than her innocence of his.
But when now fired and on edge, he proceeded
to drop hints of his design and views upon me,
after he had with much confusion and pains brought
her to the point (she kept as long aloof from as
she thought proper) of understanding him, without
— 227 —
now affecting to pass for a dragoness of virtue, by
flying ont into those violent and ever suspicious
passions, she stuck with the better grace and effect
to the character of a plain, good sort of a woman,
that knew no harm, and that getting her bread in
an honest way, was made of stuff easy and flexible
enough to be wrought upon to his ends, by his
superior skill and address; but, however, she
managed so artfully that three or four meetings
took place, before he could obtain the least favour-
able hope of her assistance; without which, he
had, by a number of fruitless messages, letters, and
other direct trials of my disposition, convinced
himself there was no coming at me, all which too
raised at once my character and price with him.
Regardful, however, of not carrying these diffi-
culties to such a length as might afford time for
starting discoveries, or incidents, unfavourable to
her plan, she at last pretended to be won over by
mere dint of entreaties, promises, and, above all,
by the dazzling sum she took care to wind him up
to the specification of, when it was now even a
piece of art to feign, at once, a yielding to the
allurements of a great interest, as a pretext for her
yielding at all, and the manner of it such as might
persuade him she had never dipped her virtuous
fingers in an affair of that sort.
Thus she led him through all the gradations of
difficulty, and obstacles, necessary to enhance the
value of the prize he aimed at, and in conclusion,
he was so struck with the litde beauty I was
— 228 —
mistress of, and so eagerly bent on gaining his
ends of me, that he left her even no room to boast
of her management in bringing him up to her
mark, he drove so plum of himself into every
thing tending to make him swallow the bait. Not
but, in other respects, Mr. Norbert was not clear
sighted enough, or that he did not perfectly know
the town, and even by experience, the very branch
of imposition now in practice upon him : but we
had his passion our friend so much, he was so
blinded and hurried on by it, that he would have
thought any undeception a very ill office done to
his pleasure. Thus concurring, even precipitately,
to the point she wanted him at, Mrs. Cole brought
him at last to hug himself on the cheap bargain he
considered the purchase of my imaginary jewel
was to him, at no more than three hundred guineas
to myself, and an hundred to the brokeress : being
a slender recompense for all her pains, and all the
scruples of conscience she had now sacrificed to
him for this the first time of her life; which sums
were to be paid down on the nail, upon delivery
of my person, exclusive of some no inconsiderable
presents that had been made in the course of the
negociation : during which I had occasionally, but
sparingly been introduced into his company, at
proper times and hours; in which it is incredible
how little it seemed necessary to strain my natural
disposition to modesty higher, in order to pass it
upon him for that of a very maid : all my looks
and gestures ever breathing nothing but that inno-
— 229 —
cence which the men so ardently require in us,
for no other end than to feast themselves with the
pleasure of. destroying it, and which they are so
grievously, with all their skill, subject to mis-
takes in.
When the articles of the treaty had been fully
agreed on, the stipulated payments duly secured,
and nothing now remained but the execution of the
main point, which centered in the surrender of ray
person up to his free disposal and use, Mrs. Cole
managed her objections, especially to his lodgings,
and insinuations so nicely, that it became his own
mere motion and urgent request, that this copy
of a wedding should be finished at her house: « At
» first, indeed, sne did not care, not she, to have
» such doings in it... she would not for a thou-
» sand pounds have any of the servants or appren-
» tices know it... her precious good name would
» be gone for ever... », with the like excuses.
However, on superior objections to all other expedi-
ents, whilst she took care to start none but those
which were most liable to them, it came round at
last to the necessity of her obliging him in that
conveniency, and of doing a little more where she
had already done so much.
The night then was fixed, with all possible re-
spect to the eagerness of his impatience, and in the
mean time Mrs. Cole had omitted no instructions,
nor even neglected any preparation, that might
enable me to come off with honour, in regard to
the appearance of my virginity, except that, favour-
— 2j0 —
ed as I was by nature with all the narrowness of
stricture in that part requisite to conduct my de-
signs, I had no occasion to borrow those auxiliaries
of art that create a momentary one, easily discov-
ered by the test of a warm bath; and as to the
usual sanguinary symptoms of defloration, which,
if net always, are generally attendants on it, Mrs.
Cole had made me the mistress of an invention of
her own, which could hardly miss its effect, and of
which more in its place.
Everything then being disposed and fixed for
Mr. Norbert's reception, he was, at the hour of
eleven at night, with all the mysteries of silence
and secrecy, let in by Mrs. Cole herself, and intro-
duced into her bed-chamber, where, in an old
fashioned bed of her's, I lay, fully undressed, and
panting, if not with the fears of a real maid, at
least with those perhaps greater of a dissembled
one, which gave me an air of confusion and bash-
fulness that maiden-modesty had all the honour of,
and was indeed scarce distinguishable from it, even
by less partial eyes than those of my lover : so let
me call him, for I ever thought the term « cully »
too cruel a reproach to the men, for their abused
weakness for us.
As soon as Mrs. Cole, after the old gossipery, on
these occasions, used to young women abandoned
for the first time to the will of man, had left us
alone in her room, which, by the by, was well
lighted up, at his previous desire, that seemed to
bode a stricter examination than he afterwards
made, Mr. Norbeit, still dressed, sprung towards the
bed, where I gpt my head under the cloaths, and
defended them a good while before he could even
get at my lips, to kiss them : so true it is, that a
false virtue, on this occasion, even makes a greater
rout and resistance than a true one. From thence
he descended to my breasts, the feel of which I
disputed tooth and nail with him, till tired with my
resistance, and thinking probably to give a better
account of me, when got into bed to me, he hurri-
ed his cloaths off in an instant, and came into bed.
Mean while by the glimpse I stole of him, I could
easily discover a person far from promising any
such doughty performances as the storming of
maidenheads generally requires, and whose flimsy
consumptive texture gave him more the air of an
invalid mat was pressed, than of a volunteer on such
hot service.
At scarce thirty he had already reduced his strength
of appetite down to a wretched dependance on forced
provocatives, very litde seconded by the natural
power of a body jaded, and racked off to the lees by
constant repeated over-draughts of pleasure, which
had done the work of sixty winters on his springs
of life: leaving him at the same time all the fire and
heat of youth in his imagination, which served at
once to torment and spur him down the precipice.
As soon as he was in bed, he threw off the bed
cloaths, which I suffered him to force from my hold,
and I now lay as exposed as he could wish, not
only to his attacks, but his visitation of the sheets;
where in the various agitations of the body, through
my endeavours to defend myself, he could easily
assure himself there was no preparation : though,
to do him justice, he seemed less strict an examin-
ant than I had apprehended from so experienced a
practitioner. My shift then he fairly tore open, find-
ing I made too much use of it to barricade my
breasts, as well as the more important avenue : yet
in every thing else he proceeded with all the marks
of tenderness and regard to me, whilst the art of
my play was to shew none for him. I acted then
all the niceties, apprehensions, and terrors, suppos-
able for a girl perfectly innocent to feel, at so great
a novelty as a naked man in bed with her for the
first time. He scarce even obtained a kiss but what
he ravished; I put his hand away twenty times from
my breasts, where he had satisfied himself of their
hardness and consistence, with passing for hitherto
unhandled goods. But when grown impatient for
the main point, he now threw himself upon me,
and first trying to examine me with his finger,
sought to make himself further way, I complained
of his usage bitterly : « I thought he would not
» have served a body so... I was ruined... I did
» not know what I had done... I would get up, so
» I would... »; and at the same time kept my thighs
so fast locked, that it was not for strength like his
to force them open, or do any good. Finding thus
my advantages, and that I had both my own and
his motions at command, the deceiving him came
so easy, that it was perfectly playing upon velvet.
In the mean time his machine, which was one of
those sizes that slipt in and out without being mind-
ed, kept pretty stiffly bearing against that part,
which the shutting my thighs barred access to; but
finding, at length, he could do no good by mere
dint of bodily strength, he resorted to entreaties
and arguments : to which I only answered, with a
tone of shame and intimidity, « that I was afraid he
» would kill me... Lord!... 1 would not be served
» so... I was never so used in all my born days...
» I wondered he was not ashamed of himself, so I
» did... », with such silly infantine moods of repulse
and complaint as I judged best adapted to express
the character of innocence, and afright. Pretending,
however, to yield at length to the vehemence
of his insistence, in action and words, I sparingly
disclosed my thighs, so that he could just touch the
cloven inlet with the tip of his instrument: but as
he fatigued and toiled to get it in, a twist of my
body, so as to receive it obliquely, not only thwart-
ed his admission, but giving a scream, as if he had
pierced me to the heart, I shook him oft me, with
such violence that he could not with all his might
to it, keep the saddle: vexed indeed at this he seem-
ed, but not in the style of displeasure with me
for my skittishness; on the contrary, I dare swear
he held me the dearer, and hugged himself for the
difficulties that even hurt his instant pleasure. Fired,
however, now, beyond all bearance of delay, he
remounts and begged of me to have patience, stroak-
ing and soothing me to it by all the tenderest
30
— 234 —
endearments and protestations of what he would
moreover do for me; at which, feigning to be some-
what softened, and abating of the anger that I had
shewn at his hurting me so prodigiously, I suffered
him to lay my thighs aside, and make way for a
new trial; but I watched the directions and manage-
ment of his point so well, that no sooner was
the orifice in the least open to it, but I gave such a
timely jerk as seemed to proceed not from the
evasion of his entry, but from the pain his efforts
at it put me to : a circumstance too that I did not
fail to accompany with proper gestures, sighs and
cries of complaint, of which, c that he had hurt
» me... he killed me... I should die..., were the
most frequent interjections. But now, after repeated
attempts, in which he had not made the least im-
pression towards gaining his point, at least for that
time, the pleasure rose so fast upon him, that he
could not check or delay it, and in the vigour and
fury which the approaches of the height of it in-
spired him, he made one fierce thrust, that had al-
most put me by my guard, and lodged it so far that
I could feel the warm inspersion just within the ex-
terior orifice, which I had the cruelty not to let him
finish there, but threw him out again, not without
a most piercing loud exclamation, as if the pain had
put me beyond all regard of being overheard. It
was then easy to observe that he was more satis-
fied, more highly pleased with the supposed mo-
tives of his baulk of consummation, than he would
have been at the full attainment of it. It was on this
— 235 —
foot that I solved to myself all the falsity I em-
ployed to procure him that blissful pleasure in it,
which most certainly he would not have tasted in
the truth of things. Eased however, and relieved
by one discharge, he now applied himself to sooth,
encourage, and to put me into humour and patience
to bear his next attempt, which he began to pre-
pare and gather force for, from all the incentives
of the touch and sight which he could think of, by
examining every individual part of my whole body,
which he declared his satisfaction with, in raptures
of applauses, kisses universally imprinted, and
sparing no part of me, in all the eagerest wanton-
ness of feeling, seeing, and toying. His vigour how-
ever did not return so soon, and I felt him more
than once pushing at the door, but so little in a
condition to break in, that I question whether he
had the power to enter, had I held it ever so open;
but this he then thought me too little acquainted
with the nature of things, to have any regret or
confusion about, and he kept fatiguing himself and
me for a long time, before he was in any state to
resume his attacks with any prospect of success;
and then I breathed him so warmly, and kept him
so at bay, that before he had made any sensible
progress in point of penetration, he was deliciously
sweated, and wearied out indeed: so that it was deep
in the morning before he achieved his second let-
go, about half way of entrance, I all the while cry-
ing and complaining of his prodigious vigour, and
the immensity of what I appeared to suffer splitting
- i}6 -
up with. Tired, however, at length, with such ath-
letic drudgery, my champion began now to give
out, and to gladly embrace the refreshment of some
rest. Kissing me then with much affection, and re-
commending me to my repose, he presently fell
fast asleep : which, as soon as I had well satisfied
myself of, I, with much composure of body, so as
not to wake him by any motion, with much ease
and safety too, played off Mrs. Cole's device for
perfecting the signs of my virginity.
In each of the head bed-posts, just above where
the bedsteads are inserted into them, there was a
small drawer, so artfully adapted to the mouldings
of the timber-work, that it might have escaped
even the most curious search: which drawers were
easily opened or shut by the touch of a spring, and
were fitted each with a shallow glass tumbler, full
of a prepared fluid blood, in which lay soaked, for
ready use, a spunge, that required no more than
gently reaching the hand to it, taking it out and
properly squeezing between the thighs, when it
yielded a great deal more of the red liquid than
would save a girl's honour; after which, replacing
it, and touching the spring, all possibility of dis-
covery, or even of suspicion, was taken away; and
this was not the work of the fourth part of a mi-
nute, and of which ever side one lay, the thing
was equally easy and practicable, by the double
care taken to have each bed-post provided alike.
True it is, that had he waked and caught me in the
fact, it would at least have covered me with shame
and confusion; but then, that he did not, was,
with the precautions I took, a risk of a thousand to
one in my favour.
At ease now, and out of all fear of any doubt or
suspicion on his side, I addressed myself in good
earnest to my repose, but could obtain none; and
in about half an hour's time my gentleman waked
again, and turning towards me, I feigned a sound
sleep, which he did not long respect; but girding
himself again to renew the onset, he began to kiss
and caress me, when now making as if I just waked,
I complained of the disturbance, and of the cruel
pain that this little rest had stole my senses from.
Eager, however, for the pleasure, as well of con-
summating an entire triumph over my virginity, he
said every thing that could overcome my resistance,
and bribe my patience to the end, which now I
was ready to listen to, from being secure of the
bloody proofs I had prepared of his victorious vio-
lence, tho' I still thought it good policy not to let
him in yet a while. I answered then only to his
importunities in sighs and moans, « that I was so
» hurt, I could not bear it... I was sure he had done
» me a mischief; that he had... he was such a sad
» man! » At this turning down the cloaths, and
viewing the field of battle by the glimmer of a
dying taper, he saw plainly my thighs, shift, and
sheets, all stained with what he readily took for a
virgin effusion, proceeding from his last half pene-
tration : convinced, and transported at which, no-
thing could equal his joy and exultation. The
illusion was complete, no other conception entered
his head, but that of his having been at work upon
an unopened mine: which idea, upon so strong an
evidence, redoubled at once his tenderness for me,
and his ardour for breaking it wholly up. Kissing
me then with the utmost rapture, he comforted
me, and begged my pardon for the pain he had put
me to : observing withal, that it was only a thing
in course; but the worst was certainly past, and
that with a little courage and constancy, I should
get it once well over, and never after experience
any thing but the greatest pleasure/ By little and
little I suffered myself to be prevailed on, and
giving, as it were, up the point to him, I made my
thighs, insensibly spreading them, yield him liberty
of access, which improving, he got a little within
me, when by a well managed reception I worked
the female screw so nicely, that I kept him from
the easy mid-channel direction, and by dexterous
wreathing and contortions, creating an artificial
difficulty of entrance, made him win it inch by
inch, with the most laborious struggles, I all the
while sorely complaining: till at length, with might
and main, winding his way in, he got it complete-
ly home, and giving my virginity, as he thought,
the
coup de grace, furnished me with cue of setting
up a terrible outcry, whilst he, triumphant, and like
a cock clapping his wings over his down-trod
mistress, pursued his pleasure : which presently
rose, in virtue of this idea of a complete victory, to
a pitch that made me soon sensible of his melting
— 239 —
period; whilst I now lay acting the deep wounded,
breathless, frightened, undone, no longer maid.
You would ask me, perhaps, whether all this
time I enjoyed any perception of pleasure ? I assure
you, little or none; till just towards the latter end,
a faintish sense of it came on mechanically, from
so long a struggle and frequent fret in that ever
sensible part; but, in the first place, I had no taste
for the person I was suffering the embraces of, on
a pure mercenary account; and then, I was not
entirely delighted with myself for the jade's part I
was playing, whatever excuses I might plead for
my being brought into it; but then this insensi-
bility kept me so much the mistress of my mind
and motions, that I could the better manage so
close a counterfeit, through the whole scene ot
deception.
Recovered at length to a more shew of life,
by his tender condolences, kisses and embraces, I
upbraided him, and reproached him with my ruin,
in such natural terms, as added to his satisfaction
with himself, for having accomplished it; and
guessing, by certain observations of mine, that it
would be rather favourable to him, to spare him,
when he some time after, feebly enough, came on
again to the assault, I resolutely withstood any
farther endeavours, on a pretext that Mattered his
prowess, of my being so violently hurt and sore,
that I could not possible endure a fresh trial. He
then graciously granted me a respite, and the next
morning soon after advancing, I got rid of further
— 240 —
importunity, till Mrs. Cole, being rung for by him,
came in and was made acquainted, in terms of the
utmost joy and rapture, with his triumphant cer-
tainty of my virtue, and the finishing stroke he had
given it, in the course of the night: of which, he
added, she would see proof enough in bloody
characters, on the sheets.
You may guess how a woman of her turn of
address and experience humoured the jest, and
played him off with mixed exclamations of shame,
anger, compassion for me, and of her being pleased
that all was so well over : in which last, I believe,
she was certainly sincere. And now, as the objection
which she had represented as an invincible one, to
my lying the first night at his lodgings (which were
studiously calculated for freedom of intrigues), on
the account of my maiden fears and terrors, at the
thoughts of going to a gentleman's chambers, and
being alone with him in bed, was surmonted, she
pretended to persuade me, in favour to him, that
I should go there to him, whenever he pleased,
and still keep up all the necessary appearances of
working with her, that I might not lose, with my
character, the prospect of getting a good husband,
and at the same time her house would be kept the
safer from scandal. All this seemed so reasonable,
so considerate to Mr. Norbert, that he never once
perceived that she did not want him to resort to
her house, lest he might in time discover certain
inconsistencies with the character she had set out
— 241 —
with to him; besides that this plan greatly flattered
his own ease, and views of liberty.
Leaving me then to my much wanted rest, he
got up, and Mrs. Cole, after settling with him all
points relating to me, got him undiscovered out of
the house. After which, and I was awake, she came
in, and gave me due praises for my success. Be-
having too with her usual moderation and dis-
interestedness, she refused any share of the sum I had
thus earned, and put me into such a secure and
easy way of disposing of my aflairs, which now
amounted to a kind of little fortune, that a child of
ten years old might have kept the account and
property of them safe in its hands.
I was now restored again to my former state of
a kept mistress, and used punctually to wait on
Mr. Norbert at his chambers whenever he sent a
messenger for me, which I constantly took care to
be in the way of, and managed with so much
caution, that he never once penetrated the nature
of my connections with Mrs. Cole; but indolently
given np to ease and the town dissipations, the
perpetual hurry of them hindered him from looking
into his own aflairs, mnch less to mine.
In the mean time, if I may jndge from my own
experience, none are better paid, or better treated,
during their reign, than the mistresses of those
who, enervate by nature, debaucheries, or age,
have the least employment for the sex : sensible
that a woman must be satisfied some way, they
ply her with a thousand little tender attentions,
3i
presents, caresses, confidences, and exhaust their
inventions in means and devices to make up for
the capital deficiency; and even towards lessening
that, what arts, what modes, what refinements of
pleasure have they not recourse to, to raise their
languid powers, and press nature into the service
of their sensuality ? But here is their misfortune,
that when by a course of teasing, worrying, handl-
ing, wanton postures, lascivious motions, they have
at length accomplished a flashy enervate enjoyment,
they at the same time light up a flame in the object
of their passion, that, not having the means them-
selves to quench, drives her for relief into the next
person's arms, who can finish their work; and
thus they become bawds to some favourite, tried
and approved of, for a more vigourous and satisfac-
tory execution; for with women, of our turn espe-
cially, however well our hearts may be disposed,
there is a controuling part, or queen-seat in us,
that governs itself by its own maxims of state,
amongst which not one is stronger, in practice
with it, than in matter of its dues, never to accept
the will for the deed.
Mr. Norbert, who was much in this ungracious
case, though he professed to like me extremely,
could but seldom consummate the main-joy itself
with me, without such a length and variety of pre-
parations, as were at once wearisome and inflam-
matory.
Sometimes he would snip me stark naked on a
carpet, by a good fire, when he would contemplate
— 243 —
me almost by the hoar, disposing me in all the
figures and attitudes of body that it was susceptible
of being viewed in; kissing me in every part, the
most secret and critical one so far from excepted,
that it received most of that branch of homage.
Then his touches were so exquisitely wanton, so
luxuriously diffused and penetrative at times, that
he had made me perfectly rage with titillating fires,
when, after all, and much ado, he had gained a
short liv'd erection, he would perhaps melt it away
in a washy sweat, or a premature abortive effusion,
that provokingly mocked my eager desires; or, if
carried home, how faultered and unnervous the
execution! how insufficient the sprinkle of a few
heat-drops to extinguish all the flames he had
kindled! •
One evening, I cannot help remembering, that
returning home from him, with a spirit he had
raised in a circle hb wand had proved too weak to
lay, as I turned the corner of a street, I was over-
taken by a young sailor. I was then in that spruce,
neat, plain dress, which I ever affected, and perhaps
might have, in my trip, a certain air of restlessness
unknown to the composure of cooler thoughts.
However, he seized me as a prize, and without
farther ceremony threw hb arms round my neck,
and kbsed me bobterously and sweetly. I looked
at him with a beginning of anger and indignation
at hb rudeness, that softened away into other senti-
ments as I viewed him : for he was tall, manly
carriaged, handsome of body and face, so that I
— 244 —
ended my stare, with asking him, in a tone turned
to tenderness, what he meant; at which, with the
' same frankness and vivacity as he had begun with
me, he proposed treating me with a glass of wine.
Now, certain it is, that had I been in a calmer state
of blood than I was, had I not been under the
dominion of. unappeased irritations and desires, I
should have refused him without hesitation; but I
do not know how it was, my pressing calls, his
figure, the occasion, and if you will, the powerful
combination of all these, with a start of curiosity to
see the end of an adventure, so novel too as being
treated lite a common street-plyer, made me give
a silent consent; in short, it was not my head
that I now obeyed, I suffered myself to be towed
along as it were by this man-of-war, who took me
under his arm as familiarly as if he had known me
all his life time, and led me into the next conven-
ient tavern, where we were shewn into a little
room on one side of the passage. Here, scarce
allowing himself patience till the drawer brought in
the'wine call'd for, he fell directly on board me :
when, untucking my handkerchief, and giving me a
snatching buss, he laid my breasts bare at once,
which he handled with that keeness of gust that
abridges a ceremonial evermore tiresome than
pleasing on such pressing occasions; and now,
hurrying towards the main point, we found no
conveniency to our purpose, two or three disabled
chairs, and a ricketty table, composing the whole
furniture of the room.
— 245 —
Without more ado, he plants me with my back
standing against the wall, and my petticoats up;
and coming out with a splitter indeed, made it
shine, as he brandished it, in my eyes; and going
to work with an impetuosity and eagerness, bred
very likely by a long fast at sea, went to give me a
taste of it. I straddled, I humoured my posture,
and did my best in short to buckle to it; I took
part of it in, but still things did not jee to his
thorough liking : changing then in a trice his
system of battery, he leads me to the table and with
a master-hand lays my head down on the edge of
it, and, with the other canting up my petticoats
' and shift, bares my naked posteriors to his blind
and furious guide; it forces its way between them,
and I feeling pretty sensibly that it was going by
the right door, and knocking desperately at the
wrong one, I told him of it: — « Pooh! » says he,
c my dear, any port in a storm. » Altering, how-
ever, directly his course, and lowering his point,
he fixed it right, and driving it up with a delicious
stiffness, made all foam again, and gave me the
tout
with such fire and spirit, that in the fine disposition
I was in when I submitted to him, and stirred up
so fiercely as I was, I got the start of him, and
went away into the melting swoon, and squeezing
him, whilst in the convulsive grasp of it, drew
from him such a plenteous bedewal, as joined to
my own effusion, perfectly floated those parts, and
drowned in a delnge all my raging conflagration of
desire.
When this was over, how to make my retreat
was my concern; for, though I had been so ex-
tremely pleased with the difference between this
warm broadside, poured so briskly into me, and
the tiresome pawing and toying to which I had owed
the unappeased flames that had driven me into this
step, now I was cooler, I began to apprehend the
danger of contracting an acquaintance with this,
however, agreeable stranger;, who, on his side,
spoke of passing the evening with me and continu-
ing our intimacy, with an air of determination
that made me afraid of its being not so easy to get
away from him as I could wish. In the mean time
I carefully concealed my uneasiness, and readily
pretended to consent to stay with him, telling him
I should only step to my lodgings to leave a ne-
cessary direction, and then instantly return. This
he very glibly swallowed, on the notion of my
being one of those unhappy street errants, who
devote themselves to the pleasure of the first
ruffian that will stoop to pick them up, and of
course, that I would scarce bilk myself of my
hire, by not returning to make the most of the job.
Thus he parted with me, not before, however, he had
ordered in my hearing a supper, which I had the
barbarity to disappoint him of my company to.
But when I got home, and told Mrs. Cole my
adventure, she represented so strongly to me the
nature and dangerous consequences of my folly,
particularly the risks to my health, in being so
open-legged and free, that I not only took resolu-
— 247 —
tions never to venture so rashly again, which I
inviolably preserved, but passed a good many days
in continual uneasiness, lest I should have met
with other reasons, besides the pleasure of that
rencounter, to remember it; but these fears wronged
my pretty sailor, for which I gladly make him this
reparation.
I had now lived with Mr. Norbert near a quarter
of a year, in which space I circulated my time very
pleasantly, between my amusements at Mrs. Cole's,
and a proper attendance on that gentleman, who
paid me profusely for the unlimited complaisance
with which I passively humoured every caprice of
pleasure, and which had won upon him so greatly,
that finding, as he said, all that variety in me alone,
which he had sought for in a number of women, I
had made him lose his taste for inconstancy, and
new faces. But what was yet at least as agreeable,
as well as more nattering, the love I had inspired
.him with, bred a deference to me, that was of great
service to his health : for having by degrees, and
with much pathetic representations brought him to
some husbandry of it, and to insure the duration of
his pleasures by moderating their use, and correct-
ing those excesses in them he was so addicted to,
and which had shattered his constitution and
destroyed his powers of life in the very point for
which he seemed desirous to live, he was grown
more delicate, more temperate, and in course more
healthy; his gratitude for which was taking a turn
very favourable for my fortune, when once more
the caprice of it dashed the cup from my lips.
His sister, lady L....., for whom he had a great
affection, desiring him to accompany her down to
Bath for her health, he could not refuse her such
a favour; and accordingly, though he counted
on staying away from me no more than a week at
farthest, he took his leave of me with an ominous
heaviness of heart, and left me a sum far above the
state of his fortune, and very inconsistent with the
intended shortness of his journey; but it ended in
the longest that can be, and is never but once
taken : for, arrived at Bath, he was not there two
days before he fell into a debauch of drinking with
some gendemen, that threw him into a high fever,
and carried him off in four days time, never once
out of a delirium. Had he been in his senses to
make a will, perhaps he might have made favour-
able mention of me in it. Thus, however, I lost
him; and as no condition of life is more subject to
revolutions than that of a woman of pleasure, I
soon recovered my cheerfulness, and now beheld
myself once more struck off the list of kept-
mistreses, and returned into the bosom of the com-
munity, from which I had been in some manner
taken.
Mrs. Cole still continued her friendship, and
offered me her assistance and advice towards another
choice; but I was now in ease and affluence enough
to look about me at leisure; and as to any consti-
tutional calls of pleasure, their pressure, or sensi-
bility, was greatly lessened by a consciousness of the
— 249 —
ease with which they were to be satisfied at
Mrs. Cole's house, where Louisa and Emily still
continued in the old way; and my great favourite
Harriet used often to come and see me, and enter-
tain me, with her head and heart full of the happi-
ness she enjoyed with her dear baronet, whom she
loved with tenderness and constancy, even though
he was her keeper, and, what is yet more, had
made her independent, by a handsome provision
for her and hers.
I was then in this vacancy from any regular
employ of my person in my way of business, when
one day, Mrs. Cole, in the course of the constant
confidence we lived in, acquainted me that there
was one Mr.
BarvilU, who used her house, just
come to town, whom she was not a little perplexed
about providing a suitable companion for; which
was indeed a point of difficulty, as he was under
the tyranny of a cruel taste: that of an ardent desire,
not only of being unmercifully whipped himself,
but of whipping others, in such sort, that though
he paid extravagantly those who had the courage
and complaisance to submit to his humour, there
were few, delicate as he was in the choice of his
subjects, who would exchange turns with him so
terrible at the expense of their skin. But, what yet
increased the oddity of this strange fancy, was the
gentleman being young; whereas it generally
attacks, it seems, such as are, through age, obliged
to have recourse to this experiment, for quickening
the circulation of their sluggish juices, and deter-
mining a conflux of the spirits of pleasure towards
those flagging, shrivelly parts, that rise to life only
by virtue of those titillating ardours created by the
discipline of their opposite*, with which they have
so surprising a consent.
This Mrs. Cole could not well acquaint me with,
in any expectation of my offering my service : for,
sufficiently easy as I was in my circumstances, it
must have been the temptation of an immense
merest indeed, that could have induced me to
embrace such a job; neither had I ever expressed,
or indeed felt, the least impulse or curiosity to
know more of a taste, that promised so much more
pain than pleasure to those that stood in no need
of such violents goads : what then should move me
to subscribe myself voluntarily to a party of pain,
foreknowing it such ? Why, to tell the plain truth,
it was a sudden caprice, a gust of fancy for trying a
new experiment, mixed with the vanity of approv-
ing my personal courage to Mrs. Cole, that deter-
mined me, at all risks, to propose myself to her,
and relieve her from any further look-out. Accord-
ingly, I at once please and surprised her, with a
• frank and unreserved tender of my person to her
and her friend's absolute disposal on this occasion.
My good temporal mother was, however, so
kind as to use all the arguments she could imagine
to dissuade me : but, as I found they only turned
on a motive of tenderness to me, I persisted in my
resolution, and thereby acquitted my offer of any
suspicion of its not having been sincerely made, or
out of compliment only. Acquiescing then thank-
fully in it, Mrs. Cole assured me « that bating the
» pain I should be put to, she had no scruple to
» engage me to this party, which she assured me
» I should be liberally paid for, and which the
» secrecy of the transaction preserved safe from the
» ridicule that otherwise vulgarly attended it; that
» for her part, she considered pleasure, of one sort
» or other, as the universal port of destination,
» and every wind that blew thither a good one,
» provided it blew nobody any harm; that she
» rather compassionated, than blamed those un-
» happy persons, who are under a subjection they
» cannot shake off, to those arbitrary tastes that rule
» their appetites of pleasures with an unaccountable
» control : tastes too, as infinitely diversified, as
» superior to, and independent of all reasoning, as
» the different relishes or palates of mankind in
» their viands, some delicate stomachs nauseating
» plain meats, and finding no savour but in high-
» seasoned, luxurious dishes, whilst others again
» pique themselves upon detesting them. »
I stood now in no need of this preamble of en-
couragement, or justification; my word was given,
and I was determined to fulfil my engagements.
Accordingly the night was set, and I had all the
necessary previous instructions how to act and
conduct myself. The dining room was duly prepared
and lighted up, and the young gentleman posted
there in waiting, for my introduction to him.
I was then, by Mrs. Cole, brought in, and pre-
seated to him, in a loose dishabille fitted, by her
direction, to the exercise I was to go through, all
in the finest linen and a thorough white uniform :
gown, petticoat, stockings, and satin slippers, like
a victim led to sacrifice; whilst my dark auburn
hair, falling in drop-curls over my neck, created a
pleasing distinction of colour from the rest of my
dress.
As soon as Mr. Barville saw me, he got up, with
a visible air of pleasure and surprise, and saluting
me, asked Mrs. Cole, if so fine and delicate a
creature would voluntarily submit to such suffer-
ings and rigours, as were the subject of his assigna-
tion . She answered him properly, and now, reading
in his eyes that she could not too soon leave us
together, she went out, after recommending to him
to use moderation with so tender a novice.
But whibt she was employing his attention,
mine had been taken up with examining the figure
and person of this unhappy young gentleman,
who was thus unaccountably condemned to have
his pleasure lashed into him, as boys have their
learning.
He was exceedingly fair, and smooth com-
plexioned, and appeared to me no more than
twenty at most, though he was three years older
than what my conjectures gave him; but then he
owed this favourable mistake to a habit of fatness,
which spread through a short, squab stature; and a
round, plump, fresh coloured face gave him greatly
the look of a Bacchus, had not an air of austerity,
not to say sternness, very unsuitable even to his
shape of face, dashed that character of joy, neces-
sary to complete the resemblance. His dress was
extremely neat, but plain, and far inferior to the
ample fortune he was in full possession of; this too
was a taste in him, and not avarice.
As soon as Mrs. Cole was gone, he seated me
near him, when now his face changed upon me,
into an expression of the most pleasing sweetness
and good humour, the more remarkable for its
sudden shift from the other extreme, which 1 found
afterwards, when I knew more of his character,
was owing to an habitual state of conflict with, and
dislike of himself, for being enslaved to so peculiar
a gust, by the fatality of a constitutional ascendant,
that rendered him incapable of receiving any
pleasure, till he submitted to these extraordinary
means of procuring it at the hands of pain, whilst
the constancy of this repining conciousness stamped
at length that cast of sourness and severity on his
features : which was, in fact, very foreign to the
natural sweetness of hb temper.
After a competent preparation by apologies, and
encouragement to go through my part with spirit
and constancy, he stood up near the fire, whilst I
went to fetch the instruments of discipline, out ot
a closet hard by : these were several rods, made
each of two or three strong twigs of birch tied to-
gether, which he took, handled, and viewed with
as much pleasure, as I did with a kind of shudder-
ing presage.
Next we took from the side of the room a long
broad bench, made easy to lie at length on by a
soft cushion in a callico-cover; and every thing
being now ready, he took his coat and waistcoat
off; and at his motion and desire, I unbuttoned his
breeches, and rolling up his shirt rather above his
waist, he tucked it in securely there : when di"
recting naturally my eyes to that humoursome
master-movement, in whose favour all these dis-
positions were making, it seemed almost shrunk
into his body, scarce shewing its tip above the sprout
of hairy curls that cloathed those parts, as you may
have seen a wren peeping its head out of the grass.
Stooping then to untie his garters, he gave
them me for the use of tying him down to the
legs of the bench, a circumstance no farther neces-
sary than, as I suppose, it made part of the humour
of the thing, since he prescribed it to himself,
amongst the rest of the ceremonial.
I led him then to the bench, and according to
my cue, played at forcing him to lie down: which,
after some little shew of reluctance, for form-sake,
he submitted to; he was straigthway extended flat
upon his belly, on the bench, with a pillow under
his face; and as he thus tamely lay, I tied him
sligthly hand and foot, to the legs of it; which
done, his shirt remaining trussed up over the small
of his back, I drew hb breeches quite down to his
knees; and now he lay, in all the fairest, broadest
display of that part of the back-view; in which a
pair of chubby, smooth-cheeked and passing white
posteriors rose cushioning upwards from two stout,
fleshful thighs, and ending their cleft, or separation,
by an union at the small of the back, presented a
bold mark, that swelled, as it were, to meet the
scourge.
Seizing now one of the rods, I stood over him,
and according to his direction, gave him, in one
breath, ten lashes with much good-will, and the
utmost nerve and vigour of arm that I could put to
them, so as to make those fleshy orbs quiver again
nnder them; whilst he himself seemed no more
concerned, or to mind them, than a lobster would
a flea-bite. In the mean time, I viewed intently the
effects of them, which to me at least appeared
surprisingly cruel : every lash had skimmed the
surface of those white cliffs, which they deeply
reddened, and lapping round the side of the further-
most from me, cut specially, into the dimple of h,
such livid weals, as the blood either spun out from,
or stood in large drops on; and, from some of the
cuts, I picked out even the splinters of the rod that
had stuck in the skin. Nor was this raw work to be
wondered at, considering the greenness of the twigs
and the severity of the infliction, whilst the whole
surface of the skin was so smooth-stretched over
the hard and firm pulp of flesh that filled it, as to
yield no play, or elusive swagging under the stroke,
which thereby took place the more plump, and cut
into the quick.
I was however already so moved at the piteous
sight, that I from my heart repented the under-
- a56-
taking, and would willingly ha ve given over, think
og he had full enough; but, he encouraging and-
beseeching me earnestly to proceed, I gave him
ten more lashes; and men resting, surveyed the
increase of bloody appearances. And at length,
steeled to the sight, by his stoutness in suffering,
il continued the discipline, by intervals, till I
observed him wreathing and twisting hb body, in
a way that I could plainly perceive was not the
effect of pain, but of some new and powerful sensa-
tion : curious to dive into the meaning of which,
in one of my pauses of intermission, I approached,
as he still kept working, and grinding his belly
against the cushion under him; and, first stroaking
the untouched and unhurt side of the flesh-mount
next me, then softly insinuating my hand under
his thigh, felt the posture things were in forwards,
which was indeed surprising : for that machine of
hb, which I had, by its appearance, taken for an
impalpable, or at least a very diminutive subject,
was now, in virtue of all that smart and havock of
hb skin behind, grown not only to a prodigious
stiffness of erection, but to a size that frighted even
me : a nonpareil thickness indeed 1 the head of it
alone filled the utmost capacity of my grasp. And
when, as he heaved and wriggled to and fro, in the
agitation of his strange pleasure, it came into view,
it had something of the air of a round filltt of veal,
and like its owner, squab, and short in proportion
to its breadth; but when he felt my hand there, he
begged I would go on briskly with my jerking, or
*
he should never arrive at the last stage of pleasure.
Resuming then the rod and the exercise of it,
I had fairly worn out three bundles, when, after
an increase of struggles and motion, and a deep
sigh or two, I saw him lie still and motionless; and
now he desired me to desist, which I instantly did;
and proceeding to untie him, I could not but be
amazed at his passive fortitude, on viewing the skin
of his butchered, mangled posteriors, late so white,
smooth and polished, now all one side of them a
confused cut-work of weals, livid flesh, gashes and
gore, insomuch that when he stood up, he could
scarce walk; in short, he was in sweet-briars.
Then I plainly perceived, on the cushion, the
marks of a plenteons effusion, and already had his
sluggard member run up to its old nestling-place,
and enforced itself again, as if ashamed to shew
its head, which nothing, it seems, could raise but
stripes inflicted on its opposite neighbours, who
were thus constandy obliged to suffer for his
caprice.
My gendeman had now put on his cloaths and
recomposed himself, when giving me a kiss, and
placing me by him, he sat himself down as gingerly
as possible, with one side off the cushion, which
was too sore for him to bear resting any part of his
weight on.
Here he thanked me for the extreme pleasure I
had procured him, and seeing, perhaps, some marks
in my countenance of terror and apprehension of
retaliation on my own skin, for what I had been
33
258
the instrument of his suffering in his, he assured
me, « he was ready to give up to me any engage-
» ment I might deem myself under to stand him,
» as he had done me, but that if I proceeded in my
» consent to it, he would consider the difference
» of my sex, its greater delicacy and incapacity to
» undergo pain. » Reheartned at which, and piqued
in honour, as I thought, not to flinch so near the
trial, especially as I well knew Mrs. Cole was an
eye-witness, from her stand of espial, to the whole
of our transactions, I was now less afraid of my
skin, than of his not furnishing me with an oppor-
tunity of signalizing my resolution.
Consonant to this disposition was my answer,
but my courage was still more in my head, than
in my heart; and as cowards rush into the danger
they fear, in order to be the sooner ride of the
pain of that sensation, I was entirely pleased with
his hastening matters into execution.
He had then little to do, but to unloose the
strings of my petticoats, and lift them, together
with my shift, naval-high, where he just tucked
them up loosely girt, and might be slipt up higher at
pleasure. Then viewing me round with great seem-
ing delight, he laid me at length on my face upon
the bench, and when I expected he would tie me,
as I had done him, and held out my hands, not
without fear and a little trembling, he told me,
« he would by no means terrify me unnecessarily
» with such a confinement; for that though he
» meant to put my constancy to a trial, the stand-
» ing it was to be completely voluntary on my
» side, and therefore I might be at full liberty to
» get up whenever I found the pain too much for
» me. » You cannot imagine how much I thought
myself bound, by being thus allowed to remain
loose, and how much spirit this confidence in me
gave me, so that I was even from my heart care-
less how much my flesh might suffer in honour
of it.
All my back parts, naked half way up, were now
folly at his mercy; and first, he stood at a conven-
ient distance, delighting himself with a gloating
survey of the attitude I lay in, and of all the secret
stores I thus exposed to him in fair display. Then,
springing eagerly towards me, he covered all those
naked parts with a fond profusion of kisses; and
now, taking hold of the rod, rather wantoned with
me, in gentle inflictions on those tender trembling
masses of my flesh behind, than any way hurt
them, till by degrees, he began to tingle them with
smarter lashes, so as to provoke a red colour into
them, which I knew, as well by the flagrant glow
I felt there, as by his telling me, they now emu-
lated the native roses of my other cheeks. When
he had thus amused himself with admiring, and
toying with them, he went on to strike harder, and
more hard; so that I needed all my patience not to
cry out, or complain at least. At last, he twigged
me so smartly as to fetch blood in more than one
lash : at sight of which he flung down the rod,
flew to me, kissed away the starting drops, and
— i6o —
sucking the wounds eased a good deal of my pain.
Bnt now raising me on my knees, and making me
kneel with them straddling wide, that tender part
of me, naturally the province of pleasure, not of
pain, came in for its share of suffering : for now,
eyeing it wishfully, he directed the rod so that the
sharp ends of the twigs lighted there, so sensibly,
that I could not help winching, and writhing my
limbs with smart; so that my contorsions of body
must necessarily throw it into infinite variety of
postures and points of view, fit to feast the luxury
of the eye. But still I bore every thing without
crying out : when presently giving me another
pause, he rushed, as it were, on that part whose
hps, and round about, had felt his cruelty, and by
way of reparation, glews his own to them; then he
opened, shut, squeezed them, plucked softly the
overgrowing moss, and all this in a style of wild
passionate rapture and enthusiasm, that expressed
excess of pleasure; till betaking himself to the rod
again, encouraged by my passiveness, and infuriate
with this strange taste of delight, he made my poor
posteriors pay for the ungovernableness of it; for
now shewing them no quarter, the traitor cut me
so, that I wanted but little of fainting away, when
he gave over. And yet I did not utter one groan,
or angry expostulation; but in heart I resolved
nothing so seriously, as never to expose myself
again to the like severities. '
You may guess then in what a curious pickle
those soft flesh-cushions of mine were, all sore,
— 26l —
| 111 | ||
| •j | .iii | |
, that I scarce knew how to contain myself; the
art of the lashes was now converted into such a
raw, and in fine, terribly clawed off; bat so far from
feeling any pleasure in it, that the recent smart
made me pout a little, and not with the greatest air
of satisfaction receive the compliments, and after-
caresses of the author of my pain.
As soon as my cloaths were huddled on in a
little decency, a supper was brought in by the
discreet Mrs. Cole herself, which might have piqued
the sensuality of a cardinal, accompanied with achoice
of the richest wines : all which she set before us,
and went out again, without having, by a word or
even by a smile, given us the least interruption,
or confusion, in those moments of secrecy, that we
were not yet ripe to the admission of a third to.
I sat down then, still scarce in charity with my
butcher, for such I could not help considering him,
and was moreover not a little piqued at the gay,
satisfied air of his countenance, which I thought
myself insulted by. But when the now necessary
refreshment to me of a glass of wine, and a little
eating (all the time observing a profound silence)
had somewhat cheared and restored me to spirits,
and as the smart began to go off, my good humour
returned accordingly: which alteration not escaping
him, he said and did every thing that could confirm
me in, and indeed exalt it.
But scarce was supper well over, before a change
so incredible was wrought in me, such violent, yet
pleasingly irksome sensations took possession ot
— 262 —
prickly heat, such fiery tinglings, as made me sigh,
squeeze my thighs together, shift and wriggle
about my seat, with a furious restlessness; whilst
these itching ardours, thus excited in those parts*
on which the storm of discipline had principally
fallen, detached legions of burning, subtile, stimu-
lating spirits, to their opposite spot and center of
assemblage, where their titillation raged so furious-
ly, that I was even stinging mad with them. No
wonder then, that in such a taking, and devoured
by flames that licked up all modesty and reserve,
my eyes, now charged brirnful of the most intense
desire, fired on my companion very intelligible signals
of distress: my companion, I say, who grew in them
every instant more amiable, and more necessary
to my urgent wishes and hopes of immediate ease.
Mr. Barville, no stranger, by experience, to
these situations, soon knew the pass I was brought
to, soon perceived my extreme disorder; in favour
of which, removing the table out of the way, he
began a prelude that flattered me with instant re-
lief, to which I was not, however, so near as I ima-
gined : for as he was unbuttoned to me, and tried
to provoke and rouse to action his unactive torpid
machine, he blushingly owned that no good was to
be expected from it, unless 1 took it in hand to re-
excite its languid loitering powers, by just refresh-
ing the smart of the yet recent blood-raw cuts,
seeing it could, no more than a boy's top, keep up
without lashing. Sensible then that I should work
as much for my own profit as his, I hurried my
— 263 —
compliance with his desire, and abridging the ce-
remonial, whilst he leaned his head against the
back of a chair, I had scarce gendy made him feel
the lash, before I saw the object of my wishes give
signs of life, and presently, as it were with a magic
tonch, it started np into a noble size, and distinc-
tion indeed. Hastening then to give me the benefit
of it, he threw me down on the bench; but such
was the refreshed soreness of those parts behind,
on my leaning so hard on them, as became me to
compass the admission of that stupendous head
of his machine, that I could not possibly bear it. I
got up then, and tried, by leaning forwards, and
turning the crupper on my assailant, to let him at
the back avenue ; but here it was likewise impos-
sible to stand his bearing so fiercely against me, in
his agitations and endeavours to enter that way,
whilst his belly battered directly against the recent
sore. What should we do now? both intolerably
heated : both in a fury; but pleasure is ever inven-
tive for its own ends : he strips me in a trice stark
naked, and placing a broad settee cushion on the
carpet before the fire, oversets me gently, topsy-
turvy, on it; and handling me only at the waist,
whilst you may be sure I favoured all my disposi-
tions, brought my legs round his neck; so that my
head was kept from the floor only by my hands
and the velvet cushion, which was now bespread
with my flowing hair : thus I stood on my head
and hands, supported by him in such manner, that
whilst my thighs clung round him, so as to expose
— 264 —
to his sight all my back figure, including the
theatre of his bloody pleasure, the center of my
fore part fairly bearded the object of its rage, that
now stood in fine condition to give me satisfaction
for the injuries of its neighbours. But as this pos-
ture was certainly not the easiest, and our imagi-
nations, wound up to the height, could suffer no
delay, he first, with the utmost eagerness and
effort, just lip-lodged that broad acorn fashioned
head of his instrument; and still befriended by the
fury with which he had made that impression, he
soon stuffed in the rest; when now, with a pur-
suit of thrusts, fiercely urged, he absolutely over-
powered and absorbed ail sense of pain and uneasi-
ness, whether from my wounds behind, my most
untoward posture, or the oversize of his stretcher,
in an infinitely predominant delight; when now all
my whole spirits of life and sensation rushing im-
petuously to the cock-pit, where the prize of plea-
sure was hotly in dispute and clustring to a point '
there, I soon received die dear relief of nature from
these over-violent strains and provocations of it;
harmonizing with which, my gallant spouted into
me such a potent overflow of the balsamic injec-
tion, as softened and unedged all those irritating
stings of a new species of titillation, which I had
been so intolerably maddened with, and restored
the ferment of my senses to some degree of
composure.
I had now achieved this rare adventure ultimately
much more to my satisfaction than I had bespoke
— 265 —
34
the nature of it to turn out; nor was it much
lessened, you may mink, by my spark's lavish
praises of my constancy and complaisance, which
he gave weight to by a present that gready surpassed
my utmost expectation, besides his gratification to
Mrs. Cole.
I was not, however, at any time re-enticed to
renew with him, or resort again to the violent
expedient of lashing nature into more haste than
good speed : which, by the way. I conceive acts
somewhat in the manner of a dose of Spanish flies;
with more pain perhaps, but less danger; and might
be necessary to him, but was nothing less so than
to me, whose appetite wanted the bridle more than
the spur.
Mrs. Cole, to whom this adventurous exploit
had more and more endeared me, looked on me
now as a girl after her own heart, afraid of nothing,
and, on a good account, hardy enough to fight
all the weapons of pleasure through. Attentive
then, in consequence of these favourable con-
ceptions, to promote either my profit or pleasure,
she had special regard for the first, in a new
gallant of a very singular turn, that she procured
for and introduced to me.
This was a grave, staid, solemn, elderly gentle-
man, whose peculiar humour was a delight in
combing fine tresses of hair; and as I was perfectly
headed to his taste, he used to come constandy at
my toilet hours, when I let down my hair as loose
as nature, and abandoned it to him, to do what he
— 266 —
pleased with it; and accordingly he would keep me
an hour or more in play with it, drawing the comb
through it, winding the curls round his fingers,
even kissing it as he smoothed it; and all this led
to no other use of my person, or any other liber-
ties whatever, any more than if a distinction of
sexes had not existed.
Another peculiarity of taste he had, which was
to present me with a dozen pair of the whitest kid-
gloves at a time : these he would divert' himself
with drawing on me, and then biting of! their
fingers ends; all which fooleries of a sickly appetite,
the old gentleman paid more liberally for, than
most others did for more essential favours. This
lasted till a violent cough, seizing and laying him
up, delivered me from this most innocent and
i nsipid trifler, for I never heard more of him after
his first retreat.
You' may be sure a by-job of this sort interfered
with no other pursuit, or plan of life; which I led,
in truth, with a modesty and reserve that was less
the work of virtue than of exhausted novelty, a
glut of pleasure, and easy circumstances, that made
me indifferent to any engagements in which
pleasure and profit were not eminently united; and
such I could, with the less impatience, wait for at
the hands of time and fortune, as I was satisfied I
could never mend my pennyworths, having evi-
dently been served at the top of the market, and
*
even been pampered with dainties; besides that, in
the sacrifice of a few momentary impulses, I found
— 267 —
a secret satisfaction in respecting myself, as well as
preserving the life and freshness of my complexion.
Louisa and Emily did not carry indeed their
reserve so high as I did; but still they were far
from cheap or abandoned, though two of their
adventures seemed to contradict this general
character, which, for the singularity, I shall give
you in course, beginning first with Emily's :
Louisa and she went one night to a ball, the first
in the habit of a shepherdess, Emily in that of a
shepherd : I saw them in their dresses before they
went, and nothing in nature could represent a
prettier boy than this last did, being so fair and
well limbed. They had kept together for some
time, when Louisa, meeting an old acquaintance
of hers, very cordially gives her companion the
drop, and leaves her under the protection of her
boy's habit, which was not much, and of her
discretion, which was, it seems, yet less. Emily,
finding herself deserted, sauntered thoughdess
about a-while, and as much for coolness and air
as any thing else, at length pulled off her mask and
went to the side-board; where, eyed and marked
out by a gendeman in a very handsome domino,
she was accosted by, and fell into chat with him.
The domino, after a little discourse, in which
Emily doubdess distinguished her good nature and
easiness more than her wit, began to make violent
love to her, and drawing her insensibly to some
benches at the lower end of the masquerade room,
got her to sit by him, where he squeezed her
— 268 —
hands, pinched her cheeks, praised and played
with her fine hair, admired her complexion, and
all in a style of courtship dashed with a certain
oddity, that not comprehending the mystery of,
poor Emily attributed to his falling in with the
humour of her disguise; and being naturally not
the cruellest of her profession, began to incline to
a parly on those essentials. But here was the stress
of the joke : he took her really for what she
appeared to be, a smock-faced boy; and she,
forgetting her dress, and of course ranging quite
wide of his ideas, took all those addresses to be
paid to herself as a woman, which she precisely
owed to his not thinking her one. However, this
double error was pushed to such a height on both
sides, that Emily, who saw nothing in him but a
gentleman of distinction by those points of dress to
which hb disguise did not extend, warmed too by
the.wine he had plyed her with, and the caresses
he had lavished upon her, suffered herself to be
persuaded to go to a bagnio with him; and thus,
losing sight of Mrs. Cole's cautions, with a blind
confidence, put herself into hb hands, to be carried
wherever he pleased. For hb part, equally blinded
by hb wishes, whibt her egregious simplicity
favoured hb deception more than the most exqui-
site art could have done, he supposed, no doubt,
that he had lighted on some soft simpleton, fit for
hb purpose, or some kept minion broke to hb
hand, who understood him perfectly well, and
entered into hb designs. But, be that as it would,
— 269 —
he led her to a coach, went into it with her, and
brought her to a very handsome apartment, with a
bed in it; but whether it was a bagnio or not, she
could not tell, having spoke to nobody but himself.
But when they were [alone together, and her
inamorato began to proceed to those extremities
which instandy discover the sex, she remarked,
that no description could paint up to the life, the
mixture of pique, confusion and disappointment,
that appeared in his countenance, joined to the
mournful exclamation: « By heavens a woman! »
This at once opened her eyes, which had been
shut in downright stupidity. However, as if he had
meant to retrieve that escape, he still continued to
toy with and fondle her, but with so staring an altera-
tion from extreme warmth into a chill and forced
civility, that even Emily herself could not but take
notice of it, and now began to wish she had paid
more regard to Mrs. Cole's premonitions against
ever engaging with a stranger. And now an excess
of timidity succeeded to an excess of confidence,
and she thought herself so much at his mercy and
discretion, that she stood passive throughout the
whole progress of his prelude : for now, whether
the impressions of so great a beauty had even made
him forgive her sex, or whether her appearance or
figure in that dress still humoured his first illusion,
he recovered by degrees a good part of his first
warmth, and keeping Emily with her breeches still
unbuttoned, stript them down to her kness, and
gently impelling her to lean down, with her free
against the bed-side, placed her so, that the doable
way, between the double rising behind, presented
the choice fair to him, and he was so fairly set on
a mis-direction, as to give the girl no small alarms
for fear of losing a maidenhead she had not
dreamt of. However, her complaints, and a resi-
stance, gentle, but firm, checked and brought him
to himself again; so that turning his steed's head,
he drove him at length in the right road, in which
his imagination having probably made the most of
those resemblances-that flattered his taste, he got,
with much ado, to his journey's end : after which,
he led her out himself, and walking with her two or
three streets length, got her a chair, when making
her a present not any thing inferior to what she
could have expected, he left her, well recommended
to the chairmen, who, on her directions, brought
her home.
This she related to Mrs. Cole and me the same
morning, not without the visible remains of the
fear and confusion she had been in, still stamped
on her countenance. Mrs. Cole's remark was, that
her indiscretion proceeding from a constitutional
facility, there were little hopes of any thing curing
her of it, but repeated severe experience. Mine was,
that I could not conceive how it was possible for
mankind to run into a taste, not only universally
odious, but absurd, and impossible to gratify; since,
according to the notions and experience I had of
things, it was not in nature to force such immense
disproportions. Mrs. Cole only smiled at my igno-
— 271 —
ranee, and said nothing towards my undeception,
which was not effected but by ocular demonstra-
tion, some months after, which a most singular
accident furnished me, and I will here set down,
that I may not return again to so disagreeable a
subject.
I had, on a visit intended to Harriet, who had
taken lodgings at Hampton-court, hired a chariot
to go out thither, Mrs Cole having promised to
accompany me; but some indispensable business
intervening to detain her, I was obliged to set out
alone; and scarce had I got a third of my vay,
before the axle-tree broke down, and I was well off
to get out, safe and unhurt, into a public-house, of
a tolerable handsome appearance, on the road.
Here the people told me that the stage would come
by in a couple of hours at farthest; upon which,
determining to wait for it, sooner than lose the
jaunt I had got so far forward on, I was carried
into a very clean decent room, np one pair of
stairs, which I took possession of for the time I
bad to stay, in right of calling for sufficient to do
the house justice.
Here, whilst I was amusing myself with looking
out of the window, a single horse-chaise stopt at
the door, out of which lightly leaped two young
gentlemen, for so they seemed, who came in only
as it where to bait and refresh a little, for they
gave their horse to be held in readiness against
they came ont. And presently I heard the door of
the next room, where they were let in, and called
about them briskly; and as soou as they were
served, I could just hear that they shut and
fastened the door on the inside.
A spirit of curiosity, far from sudden, since I do
not know when I was without it, prompted me,
without any particular suspicion, or other drift or
view, to see what they were, and examine their
persons and behaviour. The partition of our rooms
was one of those moveable ones that, when taken
down, served occasionally to lay them into one,
for the conveniency of a larger company; and now,
my nicest search could not shew me the shadow of
a peep hole, a circumstance which probably had
not escaped the review of the parties on the other
side, whom much it stood upon not to be deceived
in it; but at length I observed a paper patch of the
same colour as the wainscot, which I took to
conceal some flaw : but then it was so high, that
I was obliged to stand upon a chair to reach it,
which I did as soft as possible; and, with a point
of a bodkin, soon pierced it, and opened myself
espial-room sufficient. And now, applying my eye
close, I commanded the room perfectly, and could
see my two young sparks romping and pulling one
another about, entirely, to my imagination, in
frolic and innocent play.
The eldest might be, on my nearest guess,
towards nineteen, a tall comely young man, in a
white fustian frock, with a green velvet cape, and
cut bob-wig.
The youngest could not be above seventeen.
— *73 —
(i) Here may be inserted two paragraphs which are
found only in one if the old editions, mentioned by Pisanus
fair, ruddy, completely well made, and to say the
truth, a sweet pretty stripling: he was too, I fancy,
a country lad by his dress, which was a green plush
frock, and breeches of the same, white waistcoat
and stockings, a jockey cap, with his yellowish
hair, long and loose, in natural curls.
But after a look of circumspection, which I saw
the eldest cast every way round the room, probably
in too much hurry and heat not to overlook the
very small opening I was posted at, especially at
the height ft was, whilst my eye close to it kept
the light from shining through and betraying it, he
said something to his companion that presently
changed the face of things.
For now the elder began to embrace, to press
and kiss the younger, to put his hands into his
bosom, and give him such manifest signs of an
amorous intention, as made me conclude the other
to be a girl in disguise : a mistake that nature kept
me in countenance for, for she had certainly made
one, when she gave him the male stamp.
In the rashness then of their age, and bent as
they were to accomplish their project of pre-
posterous pleasure, at the risk of the very worst
of consequences, where a discovery was nothing
less than improbable, they now proceeded to such
lengths as soon satisfied me what they were (i).
35
— 274 —
Fraxi (Catena librorum tacendorum, London, 1884, in-40,
p. 60). They are likely interpolated :
« For presently the eldest unbuttoned the other's
breeches, and removing the linen barrier, brought out to
view a white shaft, middle sized, and scarce fledged, when
after handling and playing with it a little, with other dalliance,
all received by the boy without other opposition than
certain wayward coynesses, ten times more alluring than
repulsive, he got him to turn round, with his face from him,
to a chair that stood hard by, when knowing,
1 suppose, his
office, the Ganymede now obsequiously leaned his head
against the back of it, and projecting his body, made a fair
mark, still covered with his shirt, as he thus stood in a side
view to me, but fronting his companion, who, presently
unmasking his battery, produced an engine that certainly
deserved to be put to a better use, and very fit to confirm
me in my disbelief of the possibility of things being pushed
to odious extremities, which I had built on the disproportion
of parts; but this disbelief I was now to be cured of, as by
my consent all young men should likewise be, that their
innocence may not be betrayed into such snares, for want
of knowing the extent of their danger, for nothing is more
certain than that ignorance of a vice is by no means a
guard against it.
» Slipping, then, aside the young lad's shirt, and tucking
«
The criminal scene they acted, I had the patience
to see to an end, purely that I might gather more
facts and certainty against mem in my design to do
their deserts instant justice; and accordingly, when
they had re-adjusted themselves, and were preparing
to go out, burning as I was with rage and
indignation, I jumped down from the chair, in
order to raise the house upon them, but with such
— 275 —
it up under hit cloaths behind, he shewed to the open air
those globular fleshy eminences that compose the Mount
Pleasants of Rome, and which now, with all the narrow vale
that intersects them, stood displayed and exposed to his
attack; nor could I without a shudder behold the disposi-
tions he made for it. First, then, moistening weU with
spittle his instrument, obviously to make it glib, he pointed,
he introduced it, as I could plainly discern, not only from
its direction, and my losing sight of it, but by the writhing,
twisting, and soft murmured complaints of the young
sufferer; but at length, the first straights of entrance being
pretty well got through, every thing seemed to move and
go pretty currently on, as on a carpet road, without much
rub or resistance; and now, passing one hand round his
minion's hips, he got hold of his redtopped ivory toy, that
stood perfectly stiff, and shewed, that if he was like his
mother behind, he was like his father before; this he
diverted himself with, whilst with the other he wantoned
with his hair, and leaning forward over his back, drew his
face, from which the boy shook the loose curls that fell over
it, in the posture he stood him in, and brought him towards
his, so as to receive a long breathed kiss; after which,
renewing his driving, and thus continuing to harass his
rear, the height of the fit came on with its usual symptoms,
and dismissed the action. »
an unlucky impetuosity, that some nail or ruggedness
in the floor caught my foot, and flung me on my
face with such violence, that I fell senseless on the
ground, and lay there some time before any one
came to my relief; so that they, alarmed, I suppose,
by the noise of my fall, had more than the necessary
time to make a safe retreat. This they effected, as I
learnt, with a precipitation nobody could account
— 2j6 —
for, until, when come to myself, and composed
enough to speak, I acquainted those of the house
with the whole transaction I had been evidence to.
When I came home 'again, and told Mrs. Cole
this adventure, she very sensibly observed to me,
« that there was no doubt of the due vengeance
» one time or other overtaking these miscreants,
» however they might escape for the present; and
» that, had I been the temporal instrument of it,
» I should have been put to a great deal more
» trouble and confusion than I imagined; that as
* to the thing itself, the less said of it was the
» better; but that though she might be suspected
» of partiality, from its being the common cause of
» woman-kind, out of whose mouths this practice
» tended to take something more than bread, yet
» she protested against any mixture of passion,
» with a declaration extorted from her by pure
» regard to truth, which was, that whatever effect
» this infamous passion had in other ages and
» other countries, it seemed a peculiar blessing on
» our air and climate, that there was a plague-spot
» visibly imprinted on all that are tainted with it,
» in this nation at least; for that among numbers
» of that stamp whom she had known, or at least
» were universally under the scandalous suspicion
» of it, she could not name an exception hardly to
» one of them, whose character was not, in all
» other respects, the most worthless and despicable
» that could be; stript of all the manly virtues of
» their own sex, and filled up with only the worst
— 277 —
» vices and follies of ours; that, in fine, they were
» scarce less execrable than ridiculous in their
» monstrous inconsistence, of loathing and con-
» temning women, and at the same time apeing
, » all their manners, airs, lisps, scuttle, and, in
» general, all their little modes of affectation, which
» become them at least better, than they do these
» unsexed, male misses. »
But here, washing my hands of them, I re-plunge
into the stream of my history, into which I may
very properly ingraft a terrible sally of Louisa's,
since I had some share in it myself, and have
besides engaged myself to relate it, in point of
countenance to poor Emily. It will add, too, one
more example to thousands, in confirmation of the
maxim, that when women get once out of compass,
there are no lengths of licentiousness, that they are
not capable of running.
One morning then, that both Mrs. Cole and
Emily were gone out for the day, and only Louisa
and I (not to mention the house-maid) were left
in charge of the house, whilst we were loitering
away the time, in looking through the shop
windows, the son of a poor woman, who earned
very hard bread indeed by mending of stockings,
fn a stall in the neighbourhood, offered us some
nosegays, ranged round a small basket; by selling
of which the poor boy eked out his mother's
maintenance of them both; nor was he fit for
any other way of livelihood, since he was not
only a perfect changeling, or idiot, but stammered
to that there was no understanding even those sounds
his halPdozen animal ideas, at most, prompted him
to utter.
The boys and servants in the neighbourhood
had given him the nick-name of good-natured
Dick, from the soft simpleton's doing every thing
he was bid at the first word, and from his naturally
having no turn to mischief; then, by the way, he
was perfectly well made, stout, clean limbed, tall
of his age, as strong as a horse, and, withal, pretty
featured; so that he was not, absolutely, such a
figure to be snuffled at neither, if your nicety could,
in favour of such essentials, have dispensed with a
face unwashed, hair tangled for want of combing,
and so ragged a plight, that he might have disputed
points of shew, with e'er a heathen philosopher of
them all.
This boy we had often seen, and bought his
flowers, out of pure compassion, and nothing more;
but just at this time, as he stood presenting us his
basket, a sudden whim, a start of wayward fancy,
seized Louisa; and, without consulting me, she
calls him in, and beginning to examine his nose-
gays, culls out two, one for herself, another for
me, and pulling out half a crowu, very currently
gives it him to change, as if she had really expected
he could have changed it: but the boy, scratching
his head, made his signs explain his inability in
place of words, which he could not, with all his
struggling, articulate.
Louisa, at this, says : « Well, my lad, come up
— 279 —
» stairs with mc, and I will give yon your due, »
winking at the same time to me, and beckoning
me to accompany her, which I did, securing first
the street-door, mat by this means, together with
the shop, became wholly the care of the faithful
house-maid.
As we went up, Louisa whispered me « that she
» had conceived a strange longing to be satisfied,
» whether the general rule held good with regard
» to this changeling, and how far nature had made
» him amends, in her best bodily gifts, for her
» denial of the sublimer intellectual ones; begging,
» at the same time, my assistance in procuring
» her this satisfaction. » A want of complaisance
was never my vice, and I was so far from opposing
this extravagant frolic, that now, bit with the same
maggot, and my curiosity conspiring with hers, I
entered plump into it, on my own account.
Consequently, as soon as we came into Louisa's
bed-chamber, whilst she was amusing him with
picking out his nosegays, I undertook the lead, and
began the attack. As it was not then very material
to keep much measures with a mere natural, I made
presently very free with him, though at my first
motion of meddling, his surprise and confusion
made him receive my advances but awkwardly: nay,
insomuch that he bashfully shyed, and shyed back
a little; till encouraging him with my eyes, plucking
him playfully by the hair, sleeking his cheeks, and
forwarding my point by a number of little wan-
tonnesses, I soon turned him familiar, and gave
— 280 —
nature her sweetest alarm : so that aroused, and
beginning to feel himself, we could, amidst all the
innocent laugh and grin I had provoked him into,
perceive the fire flighting in his eyes, and diffusing
over his cheeks, blend its glow with that of his
blushes. The emotion in short of animal pleasure
glared distinctly in the simpleton's countenance;
yet struck with the novelty of the scene, he did
not know which way to look or move; but tame,
passive, simpering, with his mouth half open, in
stupid rapture, stood and tractably suffered me to
do what I pleased with him. His basket was dropt
out of his hands, which Louisa took care of.
I had now, through more than one rent, dis-
covered and felt his thighs, the skin of which seemed
the smoother and fairer for the coarseness, and
even dirt of his dress, as the teeth of Negroes seem
the whiter for the surrounded black; and poor
indeed of habit, poor of understanding, he was,
however, abundantly rich in personal treasures,
such as flesh, Arm, plump, and replete with the
juices of youth, and robust well-knit limbs.
My fingers too had now got within reach of the
true, the genuine sensitive plant, which, instead of
shrinking from the touch, joys to meet it, and
swells and vegetates under it : mine pleasingly
informed me that matters were so ripe for the
discovery we meditated, that they were too
mighty for the confinement they were ready to
break. A waistband that I unskewered, and a rag-
of a shirt that I removed, and which could not
— 28l —
$6
have covered a quarter of it, revealed the whole of
the idiot's standard of distinction, erect, in full
pride and display : bnt snch a one 1 it was positively
of so tremendous a size, that prepared as we were
to see something extraordinary, it still, out of
measure, surpassed our expectation, and astonished
even me, who had not been used to trade in triffles.
In fine, it might have answered very well the
making a shew of; its enormous head seemed, in
hue and size, not unlike a common sheep's heart;
then you might have trolled dice securely along
the broad back of the body of it; the length of it
too was prodigious; then the rich appendage of the
treasure-bag beneath, large in proportion, gathered
and crisp'd up round in shallow furrows, helped to
fill the eye, and complete the proof of his being a
natural, not quite in vain, since it was full manifest
that he inherited, and largely too, the prerogative
of majesty which distinguishes that otherwise most
unfortunate condition, and gave rise to the vulgar
saying : «
That a foots bauble is a lady* splay fellow, »
Not wholly without reason : for, generally
speaking, it is in love as it is in war, where the
longest weapon carries it. Nature, in short, had
done so much for him in those parts, that she
perhaps held herself acquitted in doing so little for
his head.
For my part, who had sincerely no intention to
push the joke further than simply satisfying my
curiosity with the sight of it alone, I was content,
in spite of the temptation that stared me in the
— 28a —
face, with having raised a May-pole for another
to hang a garland on : for, by this time, easily
reading Louisa's desires in her wishful eyes, I
acted the commodious part, and made her, who
sought no better sport, significant terms of encou-
ragement to go through stitch with her adventure;
mtimating too that I would stay and see fair play :
in which, indeed, I had in view to humour a new
born curiosity, to observe what appearances active
nature would put on in a natural, in the course of
this her darling operation.
Louisa, whose appetite was up, and who, like
the industrious bee, was, it seems, not above
gathering the sweets of so rare a flower, though
she found it planted on a dunghill, was but too
readily disposed to take the benefit of my cession.
Urged then strongly by her own desires, and
emboldened by me, she presently determined to
risk a trial of parts with the idiot, who was by this
time nobly inflamed for her purpose, by all the
irritation we had used to put the principles of
pleasure effectually into motion, and to wind up .
the springs of its organ to their supreme pitch; and
it stood accordingly stiff and straining, ready to
burst with the blood and spirits that swelled it...
to a bulk! No I I shall never forget it.
Louisa, then taking and holding the fine handle
that so invitingly offered itself, led the ductile
youth, by that master-tool of his, as she stept
backward towards the bed, which he joyfully gave
- a83 -
way to; under the incitations of instinct, and
palpably delivered up to the goad of desire.
Stopt then by the bed, she took the fall she
loved, and leaned to the most, gently backward
upon it, still holding fast what she held, and taking
care to give her cloaths a convenient toss up, so
that her thighs duly disclosed, and elevated, laid
open all the outward prospect of the treasury of
love : the rose-lipt overture presenting the cock-
pit so fair, that it was not in nature even for a
natural to miss it. Nor did he : for Louisa, fully
bent on grapling with it, and impatient of dalliance
or delay, directed faithfully the point of the
battering-piece, and bounded up with a rage of so
voracious appetite, to meet and favour the thrust
of insertion, that the fierce activity on both sides
effected it with such pain of distention, that Louisa
cried out violently, that she was hurt beyond
bearing; that she was killed. But it was too late :
the storm was up, and force was on her to give
way to it; for now the man-machine, strongly
worked upon by the sensual passion, felt so man-
fully his advantages and superiority, felt withal the
sting of pleasure so intolerable, that maddening
with it, his joys began to assume a character of
furiousness, which made me tremble for the too
tender Louisa. He seemed, at this juncture, greater
than himself; his countenance, before so void of
meaning, or expression, now grew big with the
importance of the act he was upon. In short, it
was not now that he was to be played the fool
— 284 —
with. But, what is pleasant enough, I myself was
awed into a sort of respect for him, by the comely
terrors his motions drest him in : his eyes shooting
sparks of fire; his face glowing with ardours that
gave another life to it; his teeth churning; his
whole frame agitated with a raging ungovernable
impetuosity: all sensibly betraying the formidable
fierceness with which the genial instinct acted
upon him. Butting then and goring all before him,
and mad and wild like an over-driven steer, he
plows up the tender furrow, all insensible to
Louisa's complaints; nothing can stop, nothing can
keep out a fury like his: with which, having once
got its head in, its blind rage soon made way for
the rest, piercing, rending, and breaking open all
obstruction. The torn, split, wounded girl cries,
struggles, invokes me to her rescue, and endeavours
to get from under the young savage, or shake him
off, but alas! in vain : her breath might as soon
have stilled or stemmed a storm in winter, as all
her strength have quelled his rough assault, or put
him out of his course. And indeed, all her efforts
and struggles were managed with such disorder,
that they served rather to entangle, and fold her the
faster in the twine of his boisterous arms; so that
she was tied to the stake, and obliged to fight the
match out, if she died for it. For his part, instinct- *
ridden as he was, the expressions of his animal
passion, pertakiog something of ferocity, were
rather worrying than kisses, intermixed with
eager ravenous love-bites on her cheeks and neck,
— 285 —
(1) Shakespeare,
the prints of which did not wear out for some days
after.
Poor Louisa, however, bore up at length better
than could have been expected; and though she
suffered, and greatly too, yet, ever true to the
good old cause, she suffered with pleasure and
enjoyed her pain. And soon now, by dint of an
enraged enforcement, the brute-machine, driven
like a whirlwind, made all smoke again, and
wedging its way up, to the utmost extremity, left
her, in point of penetration, nothing to fear or to
desire; and now,
« Gorg'd with the dearest morsel of the earth, »(1)
Louisa lay, pleased to the heart, pleased to her
utmost capacity of being so, with every fibre in
those parts, stretched almost to breaking, on a rack
of joy, whilst the instrument of all this over-fulness
searched her senses with its sweet excess, till the
pleasure gained upon her so, its point stung her
so home, that catching at length the rage from
her furious driver and sharing the riot of his wild
rapture, she went wholly out of her mind into that
favourite part of her body, the whole intenseness
of which was so fervously filled, and employed :
there alone she existed, all lost in those delirious
transports, those ecstasies of the senses, which her
winking eyes, the brightened vermilion of her lips
— 286 —
and cheeks, and sighs of pleasure deeply fetched,
so pathetically expressed. In short, she was now
as mere a machine, as much wrought on, and had
her motions as little at her own command, as the
natural himself, who, thus broke in upon her,
made her feel with a vengeance his tempestuous
mettle he battered with; their active loins Quivered
again with die violence of their conflict, till the
surge of pleasure, foaming and raging to a height,
drew down the pearly shower that was to allay
this hurricane. The purely sensitive idiot then first
shed those tears of joy that attend its last moments,
not without an agony of delight, and even almost a
roar of rapture, as the gush escaped him; so sensible
too for Louisa, that she kept him faithful company,
going off, in consent, with the old symptoms : a
delicious delirium, a tremulous convulsive shudder,
and the critical dying oh 1 And now, on his getting
off, she lay pleasure-drenched, and re-gorging its
essential sweets; but quite spent, and gasping for
breath, without other sensation of life than in
those exquisite vibrations that trembled yet on the
strings of delight, which had been so ravishingly
touched, and which nature had been too intensely
stirred with, for the senses to be quickly at peace
from.
As for the changeling, whose curious engine
had been thus successfully played off, his shift of
countenance and gesture had even something droll,
or rather tragi-conric in it: there was now an air
of sad repining foolishness, superadded to his
— 287 —
natural one of no meaning and idiotism, as he
stood with his label of manhood, now lank,
unstiffened, becalmed, and flapping against his
thighs, down which it reached half way, terrible
even in its fall, whilst under the dejection of spirit
and flesh, which naturally followed, his eyes, by
turns, cast down towards his struck standard, or
piteously lifted to Louisa, seemed to require at her
hands what he had so sensibly parted from to her,
and now ruefully missed. But the vigour of nature,
soon returning, dissipated the blast of faintness
which the common law of enjoyment had subjected
him to; and now his basket re-became his main
concern, which I looked for, and brought him,
whilst Louisa restored his dress to its usual
condition, and afterwards pleased him perhaps more
by taking all his flowers off his hands, and paying
him, at his rate, for them, than if she had embar-
rassed him by a present, that he would have been
puzzled to account for, and might have put others
on tracing the motives of.
Whether she ever returned to the attack I know
not, and, to say truth, I believe not. She had had
her freak out, and had pretty plentifully drowned
her cariosity in a glut of pleasure, which, as it
happened, had no other consequence than that the
lad, who retained only a confused memory of the
transaction, would, when he saw her, forget her
in favour of the next woman, tempted, on the report
of bis parts, to take him in.
Louisa herself did not long outstay this adventure
— 288 —
at Mrs. Cole's (to whom, by the by, we took care
not to boast of our exploit, till all fear of conse-
quences were clearly over): for an occasion present,
ing itself of proving her passion for a young fellow,
at the expense of her discretion, proceeding all in
character, she packed up her toilet, at half a day's
warning, and went with him abroad, since which
I entirely lost sight of her, and it never fell in my
way to hear what became of her.
But a few days after she had left us, two very
pretty young gentlemen, who were Mrs. Cole's
especial favourites, and free of her academy, easily
obtained her consent for Emily's and my acceptance
of a party of pleasure, at a little but agreeable house,
belonging to one of them, situated not far up the
river Thames, on the Surry side.
Every thing being settled, and it being a fine
summer day, but rather of the warmest,- we set out
after dinner, and got to our rendezvous about four
in the afternoon; where, landing at the foot of a
neat, joyous pavilion, Emily and I were handed
into it by our 'squires, and there drank tea with
a cheerfulness and gaiety, that the beauty of the
prospect, the serenity of the weather, and the
tender politeness of our sprightly gallants, naturally
led us into.
After tea, and taking a turn in the garden, my
particular, who was the master of the house, and
had in no sense schemed this party of pleasure for
a dry one, proposed to us, with that frankness
which his familiarity at Mrs. Cole's entitled him t o
— 289 —
37
as the weather was excessively hot, to bathe together,
under a commodious shelter that he had prepared
expressly for that purpose, in a creek of the river?
with which a side door of the pavilion immediately
communicated, and were we might be sure of having
our diversion out, safe from interruption, and with
the utmost privacy.
Emily, who never refused any thing, and I, who
ever delighted in bathing, and had no exception to
the person who proposed it, or to those pleasures
it was easy to guess it implied, took care, on this
occasion, not to wrong our training at Mrs. Cole's,
and agreed to it with as good a grace as we could.
Upon which, without loss of time, we returned
instantly to the pavilion, one door of which opened
into a tent, pitched before it, that, with his marquise,
formed a pleasing defense against the sun, or the
weather, and was besides as private as we could
wish. The lining of it, imbost cloth, represented a
wild forest foliage, from the top, down to the sides,
which, in the same stuff, were figured with fluted
pilasters, with their spaces between filled with
flower vases, the whole having a gay effect upon
the eye, wherever you turned it.
Then it reached sufficiently into the water, yet
contained convenient benches round it, on the dry
ground, either to keep our cloaths, or....., or......
in short for more uses than resting upon. There
was a side-table too, loaded with sweet-meats,
jellies, and other eatables, and bottles of wine and
cordials, by way of occasional relief from any
rawness, or chill of the water, or from any faintness
from whatever cause; and in fact, my gallant, who
understood
chert entiere perfectly, and who, for
taste (even if you would not approve this specimen of
it) might have been comptroller of pleasures to a
Roman emperor, had left no requisite towards
convenience or luxury unprovided.
As soon as we had looked round this inviting
spot,' and every preliminary of privacy was duly
settled, strip was the word : when the young
gentlemen soon dispatched the undressing each
his partner, and reduced us to the naked confession
of all those secrets of person which dress generally
hides, and which the discovery of was, naturally
speaking, not to our disadvantage. Our hands,
indeed, mechanically carried towards the most
interesting part of us, skreened, at first, all from
the tufted cliff downwards, till we took them away,
at their desire, and employed them in doing them
the same office, of helping off with their cloaths :
in the process of which, there passed all the little
wantonnesses and frolick that you may easily
imagine.
As for my spark, he was presently undrest, all
to his shirt, the fore lappet of which, as he leaned
languishingly on me, he smilingly pointed to me
to observe, as it bellied out, or rose and feel,
according to the unruly starts of the motion behind
it; but it was soon fixed, for now taking off his
shirt, and naked as a cupid, he shewed it me at so
upright a stand, as prepared me indeed for his
— 291 —
application to me for instant ease; but, though
the sight of its fine size was fit enough to fire me,
the cooling air, as I stood in this state of nature,
joined to the desire I had of bathing first, enabled
me to put him off, and tranquillize him, with the
remark, that a little suspense would only set a
keener edge on the pleasure. Leading then the
way, and shewing our friends an example of con-
tinency, which they were giving signs of losing
respect to, we went hand in hand into the stream,
till it took us up to our necks, where the no more
than grateful coolness of the water gave my senses
a delicious refreshment from the sultriness of the
season, and made more alive, more happy in
myself, and, in course, more alert, and open to
voluptuous impressions.
Here I laved and wantoned with the water, or
sportively played with my companion, leaving
Emily to deal with hers at discretion. Mine, at
length, not content with making me take the
plunge over head and ears, kept splashing me, and
provoking me with all the little playful tricks he
could devise, and which I strove not to remain in
his debt for. We gave, in short, a loose to mirth;
and now, nothing would serve him but giving his
hand the regale of going over every part of me,
neck, breast, belly, thighs, and all the
et catera,
so dear to the imagination, under the pretext of
washing and rubbing them; as we both stood in
the water, no higher now than the pit of our
stomachs, and which did not hinder him from
feeling, and toying with that leak that distinguishes
our sex, and is so wonderfully water-tight : for
his fingers, in vain dilating and opening it, only
let more flame than water into it, be it said
without a figure. At the same time he made me
feel his own engine, which was so well wound up,
as to stand even the working in water, and he
accordingly threw one arm round my neck, and
was endeavouring to get the better of that harsher
construction bred by the surrounding fluid, and
had in effect won his way so far as to make me sen-
sible of the pleasing stretch of those nether lips,
from the in-driving machine, when, independent
of my not liking that awkward mode of enjoyment,
I could not help .interrupting him, in order to
become joint spectators of a plan of joy, in hot
operation between Emily and her partner; who,
impatient of the fooleries and dalliance of the bath,
had led his nymph to one of the benches on the
green bank, where he was very cordially proceeding
to teach her the difference betwixt jest and earnest.
There setting her on his knee, and gliding one
hand over the surface of that smooth polished
snow-white skin of hers, which now doubly shone
with a dew-bright lustre, and presented to the
touch something like what one would imagine of
animated ivory, especially in those ruby-nippled
globes, which the touch is so fond of and delights
to make love to, with the other he was lusciously
exploring the sweet secret of nature, in order to
make room for a stately piece of machinery, that
— 293 —
stood up-rear'd, between her thighs, as she conti-
nued sitting on his lap, and pressed hard for
instant intromission; which the tender Emily, in a
fit of humour deliciously protracted, affected to
decline, and elude the very pleasure she sighed
for, but in a style of waywardness so prettily put
on, and managed, as to render it ten times more
poignant; then her eyes, all amidst the softest
dying languishment, expressed at once a mock
denial and extreme desire, whilst her sweetness
was zested, with a coyness so pleasingly provoking,
her moods of keeping him off were so attractive,
that they redoubled the impetuous rage with
which he covered her with kisses : and kisses that
she seemed to shy from or scuffle for, the cunning
wanton contrived such sly returns of, as were
doubtless the sweeter for the gust she gave them,
of being stolen or ravished.
Thus Emily, who knew no art but that which
nature itself, in favour of her principle end,
pleasure, had inspired her with, the art of yielding,
coyed it indeed, but coy'd it to the purpose; for
with all her straining, her wrestling, and striving
to break from the clasp of his arms, she was so
far wiser yet than to mean it, that, in her struggles,
it was visible she aimed at nothing more than
multiplying points of touch with him, and drawing
yet closer the folds that held them every where
entwined, like two tendrils of a vine intercurling
together; so that the same effect, as when Louisa
— 294 —
strove in good earnest to disengage from the idiot,
was now produced by different motives.
Mean while, their emersion out of the cold
water had caused a general glow, a tender suffusion
of heightened carnation over their bodies; both
equally white and smooth-skin'd; so that as their
limbs were thus amorously interwoven, in sweet
confusion, it was scarce possible to distinguish
who they respectively belonged to, but for the
brawnier, bolder muscles of the stronger sex.
In a little time, however, the champion was
fairly in with her, and had tied at all points the
true lover's knot, when now, adieu all the little
refinements of a finessed reluctance! adieu the
friendly feint! She was presently driven forcibly out
of the power of using any art; and indeed, what'
art must not give way, when nature, corresponding
with her assailant, invaded in the heart of her
capital and carried by storm, lay at the mercy of
the proud conqueror, who had made his entry
triumphantly and completely ? Soon, however, to be-
come a tributary: for the engagement growing hotter
and hotter, at close quarters, she presently brought
him to the pass of paying down the dear debt to
nature; which she had no sooner collected in, but,
like a duellist who has laid his antagonist at his
feet, when he has himself received a mortal wound,
Emily had scarce time to plume herself upon her
victory, but, shot with the same discharge, she,
in a loud expiring sigh, in the closure of her eyes,
the stretch-out of her limbs, and a remission of
— 395 —
her whole frame, gave manifest signs that all was as
it should be.
For my part, who had not with the calmest
patience stood in the water all this time, to view
this warm action, I leaned tenderly on my gallant,
and at the close of it, seemed to ask him with my
eyes, what he thought of it; but he, more eager
to satisfy me by his actions than by words or looks,
as we shoal'd the water towards the shore, shewed
me the staft of love so intensely set up, that had
not even charity, beginning at home, in this case,
urged me to our mutual relief, it would have been
cruel indeed to have suffered the youth to burst
with straining, when the remedy was so obvious
and so near at hand.
Accordingly we took to a bench, whilst Emily
and her spark, who belonged it seems to the sea,
stood at the side-board, drinking to our good
voyage : for, as the last observed, we were well
under weigh, with a fair wind up channel, and full
freighted; nor indeed were we long before we
finished our trip to Cythera, and unloaded in the
old haven; but, as the circumstances did not
admit of much variation, I shall spare you the
description.
At the same time allow me to place you here an
excuse I am conscious of owing you, for having,
perhaps, too much affected the figurative style :
though surely, it can pass no where more allowable
than in a subject which is so properly the province
of poetry, nay, is poetry itself, pregnant with
— 296* —
every flower of imagination and loving metaphors,
even were not the natural expressions, for respects
of fashion and sound, necessarily forbid.
Resuming now my history, you may please to
know, that what with a competent number of
repetitions, all in the same strain (and, by the by,
we have a certain natural sense that those repeti-
tions are very much to the taste), what with a
circle of pleasures delicately varied, there was not a
moment lost to joy all the time we staid there,
till late in the night we were re-escorted home by
our 'squires, who delivered us safe to Mrs. Cole,
with generous thanks for our company.
This too was Emily's last adventure in our way :
for scarce a week after, she was, by an accident
too trivial to detail to you the particulars, found
out by her parents, who were in good Circumstances,
and who had been punished for their partiality to
their son, in the loss of him, occasioned by a cir-
cumstance of their over indulgence to his appetite :
upon which the so long engrossed stream of
fondness, running violently in favour of this lost
and inhumanly abandoned child, whom if they had
not neglected enquiry about, they might long
before have recovered, they were now so overjoyed
at the retrieval of her, that, I presume, it made
them much less strict in examining the bottom of
things : for they seemed very glad to take for
granted, in the lump, every thing that the grave
and decent Mrs. Cole was pleased to pass upon
— 297 —
3*
them; and soon afterwards sent her, from the
country, handsome acknowledgement.
But it was not so easy to replace to our com-
munity the loss of so sweet a member of it: for, not
to mention her beauty, she was one of those mild,
pliant characters, that if one does not entirely
esteem, one can scarce help loving, which is not
such a bad compensation neither. Owing all her
weaknesses to good nature, and an indolent facility
that kept her too much at the mercy of first im-
pressions, she had just sense enough to know that
she wanted leading strings, and thought herself so
much obliged to any who would take the pains to
think for her, and guide her, that with a very little
management, she was capable of being made a
most agreeable, nay a most virtuous wife: for -vice,
it is probable, had never been her choice, or her
fate, if it had not been for occasion, or example,
or had she not depended less upon herself than
upon her circumstances. This presumption her con-
duct afterwards verified: for presendy meeting with a
match, that was ready cut and dry for her, with a
neighbour's son of her own rank, and a young man
of sense and order, who took her as the widow of one
lost at sea (for so it seems one of her gallants, whose
name she had made free with, really was), she
naturally struck into all the duties of her domestic
life, with as much simplicity of affection, with as
much constancy .and regularity, as if she had never
swerved from a state of undebauched innocence
from her youth.
These desertions had, however, now so far thinned
Mrs. Cole's cluck, that she was left with only me,
like a hen with one chicken; but though she was
earnestly entreated and encouraged to recruit her
corps, her growing infirmities, and, above all, the
tortures of a stubborn hip gout, which she found
would yield to no remedy, determined her to break
up her business, and retire with a decent pittance
into the country, where I promised myself, nothing
so sure, as my going down to live with her, as
soon as I had seen a little more life, and improved
my small matters into a competency that would
create in me an independence on the world : for I
was now, thanks to Mrs. Cole, wise enough to
keep that essential in view.
Thus was I then to lose my faithful preceptress,
as did the philosophers of the town the white crow
of her profession : for besides that she never ran-
sacked her customers, whose taste too she ever
studiously consulted, she never racked her pupils
with unconscionable extortions, nor ever put their
hard earnings, as she called them, under the con -
tribution of poundage. She was a severe enemy to
the seduction of innocence, andxonfined her acqui-
sitions solely to those unfortunate young women,
who, having lost it, were but the juster objects of com-
passion : among these, indeed, she picked out such as
suited her views, and taking them under her pro-
tection, rescued them from the danger of the public
sinks of ruin and misery, to place, or form them, well
or ill, in the manner you have seen. Having then
settled her affairs, she set out on her journey, after
taking the most tender leave of me, and at the
end of some excellent instructions, recommending
me to myself, with an anxiety perfecdy maternal.
In short, she affected me so much, that I was not
presently reconciled to myself for suffering her at
any rate to go without me; but fate had, it seems,
otherwise disposed of me.
I had, on my separation from Mrs. Cole, taken a
pleasant convenient house at Marylebone, but easy
to rent and manage from its smallness, which I
furnished neady and modesdy. There, with a
reserve of eight hundred pounds, the fruit of my
deference to Mrs. Cole's counsels, exclusive of
clothes, some jewels, and some plate, I saw myself
in purse for a long time, to wait without impatience
for what the chapter of accidents might produce in
my favour.
Here, under the new character of a young gentle-
woman whose husband was gone to sea, I had
marked me out such lines of life and conduct,
as leaving me a competent liberty to pursue my
views, either out of pleasure or fortune, bounded
me nevertheless strictly within the rules of decency
and discretion : a disposition, in which you cannot
escape observing a true pupil of Mrs. Cole's.
I was scarce, however, well warm in my new
abode, when going out one morning pretty early
to enjoy the freshness of it, in the pleasing outlet
of the fields, accompanied only by a maid, whom
I had newly hired, as we were carelessly walking
among the trees, we were alarmed with the noise
of a violent coughing : turning our heads towards
which, we distinguished a plain well-dressed elderly
gentleman, who, attacked with a sudden fit, was so
much overcome, as to be forced to give way to it,
and sit down at the foot of a tree, where he seemed
suffocating with the severity of it, being perfectly
black in the face : not less moved than frightened
with which, I flew on the instant to his relief, and
using the rote of practice I had observed on the
like occasion, I loosened his cravat and clapped
him on the back; but whether to any purpose, or
whether the cough had had its course, I know not,
but the fit immediately went of; and now recovered
to his speech and legs, he returned me thanks with
as much emphasis as if I had saved his life. This
naturally engaging a conversation, he acquainted
me where he lived, which was at a considerable
distance from where I met with him, and where he
had strayed insensibly on the same intention of a
morning walk.
He was, as I afterwards learned in the course of
the intimacy which this little accident gave birth to,
an old batchelor, turned of sixty, but of a fresh
vigorous complexion, insomuch that he scarce
marked five and forty, having never racked his
constitution by permitting his desires to over-tax
his ability.
As to his birth and condition, his parents, honest
and failed mechanics, had, by the best traces he
could get of them, left him an infant orphan on the
parish; so that it was from a charity-school, that,
by honesty and industry, he made his way into a
merchant's compting house; from whence, being
sent to a house in Cadiz, he there, by his talents
and activity, acquired not only a fortune, but an
immense one, with which he returned to his native
country; where he could not, however, fish out so
much as one single relation out of the obscurity he
was born in. Taking then a taste for retirement,
and pleased to enjoy life, like a mistress in the dark,
he flowed his days in all the ease of opulence,
without the least parade of it; and, rather studying
the concealment than the shew of a fortune, looked
down on a world he perfecdy knew himself, to his
wish, unknown and unmarked by.
But/as I propose to devote a letter entirely to
the pleasure of retracing to you all the particulars
of my acquaintance with this ever, to me, memor-
able friend, I shall, in this, transiently touch on no
more than may serve, as mortar, to cement, or
form the connection of my history, and to obviate
your surprise that one of my blood and relish of
life, should count a gallant of three score such a
catch.
Referring then to a more explicit narrative, to
explain by what progressions our acquaintance,
certainly innocent at first, insensibly changed
nature, and run into unplatonic lengths, as might
well be expected from one of my condition of life,
and above all, from that principle of electricity that
scarce ever fails of producing fire when the sexes
— 302 —
meet, I shall only here acquaint yon, that as age
had not subdued his tenderness for our sex, neither
had it robbed him of the power of pleasing, since
whatever he wanted in the bewitching charms of
youth, he attoned for, or supplemented with
the advantages of experience, the sweetness of his
manners, and above all, his flattering address in
touching the heart, by an application to the under-
standing. From him it was I first learned, to any
purpose, and not without infinite pleasure, that I
had such a portion of me worth bestowing some
regard on; from him I received my first essential
encouragement, and instructions how to put it in
that train of cultivation, which I have since pushed
to the little degree of improvement you see it at;
he it was, who first taught me to be sensible that
the pleasures of the mind were superior to those of
the body; at the same time, that they were so far
from obnoxious to, or incompatible with each
other, that, besides the sweetness in the variety and
transition, the one served to exalt and perfect the
taste of the other, to a degree that the senses alone
can never arrive at.
Himself a rational pleasurist, as being much too
wise to be ashamed of the pleasures of humanity,
loved me indeed, but loved me with dignity; in a
mean equally removed from the sourness, or for-
wardness, by which age is unpleasingly character-
ised, and from that childish silly dotage that so
often disgraces it, and which he himself used to
turn into ridicule, and compare to an old goat
affecting the frisk of a young kid.
In short, every thing that is generally unamiable
in his season of life, was, in him, repaired by so
many advantages, that he existed a proof, manifest
at least to me, that it is not out of the power of
age to please, if it lays out to please, and if, making
just allowance, those in that class do not forget,
that it must cost them more pains and attention,
than what youth, the natural spring-time of joy,
stands in need of: as fruits out of season require
proportionally more skill and cultivation, to force
them.
With this gentleman, who took me home soon
after our acquaintance commenced, I lived near
eight months; in which time, my constant com-
plaisance and docility, my attention to deserve his
confidence and love, and a conduct, in general,
devoid of the least art and founded on my sincere
regard and esteem for him, won and attached him
so firmly to me, that, after having generously trusted
me with a genteel, independent settlement, pro-
ceeding to heap marks of affection on me, he
appointed me, by an authentic will, his sole heiress
and executrix : a disposition which he did not outlive
two months, being taken from me by a violent
cold that he contracted, as he unadvisedly ran to
the window, on an alarm of fire at some streets
distance, and stood there naked breasted, and
exposed to the fatal impressions of a damp night
air.
— 3©4 —
Alter acquitting myself of my duty towards my
deceased benefactor, and paying him a tribute of
unfeigned sorrow, which a little time changed into
a most tender, grateful memory of him, which I
shall ever retain, I grew somewhat comforted by
the prospect that now opened to me, if not of
happiness, at least of affluence and independence.
I saw myself then in the full bloom and pride of
youth (for I was not yet nineteen), actually at the
head of so large a fortune, as it would have been
even the height of impudence in me to have raised
my wishes, much more my hopes to; and that this
unexpected elevation did not turn my head, I owed
to the pains my benefactor had taken to form and
prepare me for it, as I owed his opinion of my
management of the vast possessions he left me, to
what he had observed of the prudential ceconomy I
had learned under Mrs. Cole, the reserve of which
he saw I had made, was a proof and encourage-
ment to him.
But, alas! how easily is the enjoyment of the
greatest sweets in life, in present possession,
poisoned by the regret of an absent one I but my
regret was a mighty and just one, since it had my
only truly beloved Charles for its object.
Given him up, I had, indeed, completely, having
never once heard from him since our separation;
which, as I found afterwards, had been my misfor-
tune, and not his neglect, for he wrote me several
letters which had all miscarried; but forgotten him
I never had. And amidst all my personal infidelities,
- 305 —
39
not one had made a pin's point impression on a
heart impenetrable to the true love passion, but for
him.
As soon, however, as I was mistress of this un-
expected fortune, I felt more than ever how dear
he was to me, from its insufficiency to make me
happy, whilst he was not to share it with me. My
earliest care, consequently, was to endeavour at
getting some account of him; but all my researches
produced me no more light, than, that his father
bad been dead for some time, not so well as even
with the world; and that Charles had reached his
port of destination in the South Seas, where, finding
the estate he was sent to recover, dwindled to a
trifle, by the loss of two ships in which the bulk of
his uncle's fortune lay, he was come away with the
small remainder, and might, perhaps, according to
the best advice, in a few months return to England,
from whence he had, at the time of this my
inquiry, been absent two years and seven months.
A little eternity in love!
You cannot conceive with what joy I embraced
the hopes thus given me of seeing the delight of
my heart again. But, as the term of months was
assigned it, in order to divert and amuse my im-
patience for his return, after settling my affairs
with much ease and security, I set out on a journey
for Lancashire, with an equipage suitable to my
fortune, and with a design purely to revisit my
place of nativity, for which I could not help retain-
ing a great tenderness; and might naturally not be
sorry to shew myself there, to the advantage I was
now in pass to do, after the report Esther Davis
had spread of my being spirited away to the plant -
ations, for on no other supposition could she
account for the suppression of myself to her, since
her leaving me so abruptly at the inn. Another
favourite intention I had, to look out for my
relations, tho' I had none besides distant ones, and
prove a benefactress to them. Then Mrs. Cole's
place of retirement lying in my way, was not
amongst the least of the pleasures I had proposed to
myself in this expedition.
I had taken nobody with me but a discreet
decent woman, to figure it as my companion,
besides my servants, and was scarce got into an
inn, about twenty miles from London, where I was
to sup and pass the night, when such a storm of
wind and rain came on, as made me congratulate
myself on having got under shelter before it began.
This had continued a good half an hour, when
bethinking me of some directions to be given to
the coachman, I sent for him, and not caring that
his shoes should soil the very clean parlour, in
which the cloth was laid, I stept into the hall
kitchen, where he was, and where, whilst I was
talking to him, I slantingly observed two horsemen
driven in by the weather, and both wringing wet;
one of whom was asking if they could not be
assisted with a change, while their cloaths were
dried. But, heavens! who can express what I felt at
the sound of a voice, ever present to my heart,
— 3©7 —
and that it now rebounded at! or when pointing
my eyes towards the person it came from, they
confirmed its information, in spite of so long an
absence, and of a dress one would have studied for
a disguise : a horseman's great coat, with a stand-
up cape, and his hat flapp'd... but what could escape
the alertness of a sense truly guided by love ? A trans-
port then like mine was above all consideration, or
schemes of surprise; and I, that instant, with the
rapidity of the emotions that I felt the spur of,
shot into his arms, crying out, as I threw mine
round his neck : « My life!... my soul!... my
» Charles!... » and without further power of
speech, swoon'd away, under the pressing agitations
of joy and surprise.
Recovered out of my entrancement, I found my-
s elf in my charmer's arms, but in the parlour, sur-
rounded by a crowd which this event had gathered
round us, and which immediately, on a signal from
the discreet landlady, who currently took him for
my husband, cleared the room, and desirably left
us alone to the raptures of this re-union; my joy at
which had like to have proved, at the expense of
my life, its power superior to that of grief at our
fatal separation.
The first object then, that my eyes opened on,
was their supreme idol, and my supreme wish,
Charles, on one knee, holding me fast by the hand
and gazing on me with a transport of fondness.
Observing my recovery, he attempted to speak,
and give vent to his impatience of hearing my voice
again, to satisfy him once more that it was me;
bat the mightiness and suddenness of the surprise
continuing to stun him, choaked his utterance : he
could only stammer out a few broken, balf-form'd,
faultering accents, which my ears greedily drinking
in, spelt, and put together, so as to make out their
sense : « After so long!... so cruel an absence 1...
» my dearest Fanny!... can it?... can it be you?...»
stifling me at the same time with [kisses that,
stopping my mouth, at once prevented the answer
that he panted for, and increased the delicious
disorder in which all my senses were rapturously
lost. However, amidst this crowd of ideas, and all
blissful ones, there obtruded only one cruel doubt,
that poisoned nearly all the transcendent happiness :
and what was it, but my dread of its being too
excessive to be real. I trembled now with the fear
of its being no more than a dream, and of my
waking out of it into the horrors of finding it one.
Under this fond apprehension, imagining I could
not make too much of the present prodigious joy,
before it would vanish and leave me in the desert
again, nor verify its reality too strongly, I clung to
him, I clasped him, as if to hinder him from escap-
ing me again : « Where have you been?... how
» could you... could you leave me?... Say you are
» still mine... that you still love me... and thus!
» thus! » (kissing him as if I would consolidate
lips with him) « I forgive you... forgive my hard
» fortune in favour of this restoration. » All these
inteijections breaking from me, in that wildness of
— 309 —
expression that justly passes for eloquence in love,
drew from him all the returns my fond heart could
wish or require. Our caresses, our questions, our
answers, for some time observed no order; all
crossing, or interrupting one another in sweet con-
fusion, whilst we exchanged hearts at our eyes, and
renewed the ratifications of a love unbated by time
or absence : not a breath, not a motion, not a
gesture on either side, but what was strongly
impressed with it. Our hands, locked in each other,
repeated the most passionate squeezes, so that their
fiery thrill went to the heart again.
Thus absorpt, and concentered in this unutter-
able delight, I had not attended to the sweet author
of it being thoroughly wet, and in danger of catch-
ing cold, when, in good time, the landlady, whom
the appearance of my equipage (which, by the by,
Charles knew nothing of) had gained me an
interest in, for me and mine, interrupted us by
bringing in a decent shift of linen and cloaths,
which now, somewhat recovered into a calmer
composure by the coming in of a third person, I
prest him to take the benefit of, with a tender
concern and anxiety that made me tremble for his
health.
The landlady leaving us again, he proceeded to
shift; in the act of which, though he proceeded
with all that modesty which became these first
solemner instants of our remeeting, after so long
an absence, I could not refrain certain snatches of
my eyes, lured by the dazzling discoveries of his
— 3io —
naked skin, that escaped him as he changed his
linen, and which I could not observe the unfaded
life and complexion of without emotions of tender-
ness and joy, that had himself too purely for their
object, to partake of a loose or mis-timed desire.
Ke was soon dressed in these temporary cloaths,
which neither fitted him, nor became the light my
passion placed him in, to me at least; yet, as they
were on him, they looked extremely well, in virtue
of that magic charm which love put into every
thing that he touched, or had relation to him : and
where, indeed, was that dress that a figure like his
would not give grace to? For now, as I eyed him
more in detail, I could not but observe the even
favourable alteration which the time of his absence
had produced in his person.
There were still the requisite lineaments, still
the same vivid vermilion and bloom reigning in his
face, but now the roses were more fully blown; the
tan of his travels, and a beard somewhat more dis-
tinguishable, had, at the expense of no more
delicacy than what he could well spare, given it an
air of becoming manliness and maturity, that sym-
metrized nobly with that air of distinction and
empire with which nature had stamped it, in a
rare mixture with the sweetness of it; still no-
thing had he lost of that smooth plumpness of
flesh, which glowing with freshness, blooms florid
to the eye, and delicious to the touch; then his
shoulders were grown more square, bis shape more
formed, more portly, but still free and airy. In
short, his figure showed riper, greater, and perfecter
to the experienced eye, than in his tender youth;
and now he was not much more than two and
twenty.
In this interval, however, I picked out of the
broken, often pleasingly interrupted account of
himself, that he was, at that instant, actually on
his road to London, in not a very paramount plight
or condition, having been wrecked on the Irish
coast, for which he had prematurely embarked, and
lost the little all he had brought with him from the
South Seas; so that he had not, till after great
shifts and hardships, in the company of his fellow-
traveller, the captain, got so far on his journey;
that so it was (having heard of his fathers's death
and circumstances) he had now the world to begin
again, on a new account: a situation, which he
assured me, in a vein of sincerity, that, flowing
from his heart, penetrated mine, gave him no
farther pain, than that he had not in his power to
make me as happy as he could wish. My fortune,
you will please to observe, I had not entered upon
any overture of, reserving to feast myself with the
surprise of it to him, in calmer instants. And as to my
dress, it could give him no idea of the truth, not
only as it was mourning, but likewise in a style of
plainness and simplicity that I had ever kept to
with studied art. He pressed me indeed tenderly to
satisfy his ardent curiosity, both with regard to my
past and present state of life, since his being torn
away from me : but I found means to elude his
questions, by answers that shewing his satisfaction
at no great distance, won upon him to wave his
impatience, in favour of the thorough confidence
he had in my not delaying it, but for respects I
should in good time acquaint him with.
Charles, however, thus returned to my longing
arms, tender, faithful, and in health, was already
a blessing too mighty for my conception : but
Charles in distress I... Charles reduced, and broke
down to his naked personal merit, was such
a circumstance, in favour of the sentiments I had
for him, as exceeded my utmost desire; and accord-
ingly I seemed so visibly charmed, so out of time
and measure pleased at his mention of his ruined
fortune, that he could account for it no way, but
that the joy of seeing him again had swallowed up
every other sense or concern.
In the mean time, my woman had taken all pos-
sible care of Charles's travelling companion; and,
as supper was coming in, he was introduced to me,
when I received him as became my regard for all
of Charles's acquaintance or friends.
We four then supped together, in the style ot
joy, congratulation, and pleasing disorder that you
may guess. For my part, though all these agitations
had left me not the least stomach, but for that un-
cloying feast, the sight of my adored youth, I
endeavoured to force it, by way of example for
him, who I conjectured must want such a recruit
after riding; and, indeed, he eat like a traveller,
but gazed at, and addressed me all the time like a
lover.
After the cloth was taken away, and the hour of
repose came on, Charles and I were, without
further ceremony, in quality of man and wife,
shewn up together to a very handsome apartment,
and, all in course, the bed, they said, the best in
the inn.
And here, Decency, forgive me! if once more I
violate thy laws, and keeping the curtains undrawn,
sacrifice thee for the last time to that confidence,
without reserve, with which I engaged to recount
to you the most striking circumstances of my
youthful disorders.
As soon then as we were in the room together,
left to ourselves, the sight of the bed starting the
remembrance of our first joys, and the thought of
my being instandy to share it with the dear pos-
sessor of my virgin heart, moved me so strongly,
that it was well I leaned upon him, or I must have
fainted again under the overpowering sweet alarm.
Charles saw into my confusion, and forgot his own,
that was scarce less, to apply himself to the re-
moval of mine.
But now the true refining passion had regained
thorough possession of me, with all its train of
symptoms; a sweet sensibility, a tender timidity,
love-sick yearnings tempered with diffidence and
modesty, all held me in a subjection of soul, in-
comparably dearer to me than the liberty of heart
which I had been long, too long! the mistress of,
40
— 3^4 —
in the course of those grosser gallantries, the con-
sciousness of which now made me sigh with a
virtuous confusion and regret. No real virgin, in
short, in view of the nuptial bed, could give more
bashful blushes to unblemished innocence, than I
did to a sense of guilt; and indeed I loved Charles
too truly not to feel severely that I did not deserve
him.
As I kept hesitating and disconcerted nnder this
soft distraction, Charles, with a fond impatience,
took the pains to undress me; and all I can re-
member amidst the flutter and discomposure of my
senses, was, some flattering exclamations of joy
and admiration, more especially at the feel of my
breasts, now set at liberty from my stays, and
which panting and rising in tumultuous throbs,
swelled upon his dear touch, and gave it the wel-
come pleasure of finding them well formed, and
unfailed in firmness.
I was soon laid in bed, and scarce languished an
instant for the darling partner of it, before he was
undressed and got between the sheets, with his
arms clasped round me, giving and taking, with
gust inexpressible, a kiss of welcome, that my
heart rising to my lips stamped with its warmest
impression, concurring to my bliss, with that deli-
cate and voluptuous emotion which Charles alone
had the secret to excite, and which constitutes the
very life, the essence of pleasure.
Mean while, two candles lighted on a side-table
near us, and a joyous wood fire, threw a light into
— 3*5 —
the bed, that took from one sense, of great import-
ance to our joys, all pretext for complaining of its
being shut out of its share of them; and, indeed,
the sight of my idolized youth was alone, from the
ardour with which I had wished for it, without
other circumstance, a pleasure to die of.
But as action was now a necessity to desires so
much on edge as ours, Charles, after a very short
prelusive dalliance, lifting up my linen and his own,
laid the broad treasures of his manly chest close to
my bosom, both beating with the tenderest alarms:
when now, the sense of his glowing body in naked
touch with mine, took all power over my thougths
out of my own disposal, and delivered up every
faculty of the soul to the sensiblest of joys, that
affecting me infinitely more with my distinction of
the person, than of the sex, now brought my heart
deliciously into play: my heart, which eternally
constant to Charles, had never taken any part in
my occasional sacrifices to the calls of constitution,
complaisance, or interest. But ah! what became of
me, when as the powers of solid pleasure thickened
upon me, I could not help feeling the stiff stake
that had been adorned with the trophies of my
despoiled virginity, bearing hard and inflexible
against one of my thighs, which I had not yet
opened, from a true principle of modesty, revived
by a passion too sincere to suffer any aiming at the
false merit of difficulty, or my putting on an imper-
tinent mock coyness.
I have, I believe, somewhere before remarked,
that the feel of that favourite piece of manhood
has, in the very nature of it, something inimitably
pathetic. Nothing can be dearer to the touch, or
can affect it with a more delicious sensation. Think
then ! as a lover thinks, what must be the consum-
mate transport of that quickest of our senses, in
their central seat too! when, after so long a
deprival, it felt itself re-inflamed under the pressure
of that peculiar sceptre-member, which commands
us all: but especially my darling, elect from the face
of the whole earth. And now, at its mightiest point
of stiffness, it felt to me something so subduing, so
active, so solid and agreeable, that I know not
what name to give its singular impression : but the
sentiment of consciousness of its belonging to my
supremely beloved youth, gave me so pleasing an
agitation, and worked so strongly on my soul, that
it sent all its sensitive spirits to that organ of bliss
in me, dedicated to its reception. There concenter-
ing to a point, like rays in a burning glass, they
glowed, they burnt with the iutensest heat; the
springs of pleasure were, in short, wound up to
such a pitch, I panted now with so exquisitely
keen an appetite for the eminent enjoyment, that I
was even sick with desire, and unequal to support
the combination of two distinct ideas, that delight-
fully distracted me : for all the thought I was
capable of, was that I was now in touch, at once,
with the instrument of pleasure, and the great
seal of love. Ideas that mingling streams, poured
such an ocean of intoxicating bliss on a weak vessel,
all too narrow to contain it, that I lay overwelmed,
absorbed, lost in an abyss of joy, and dying of no-
thing but immoderate delight.
Charles then roused me somewhat out of this
ecstatic distraction, with a complaint softly mur-
mured, amidst a croud of kisses, at the position,
not so favourable to his desires, in which I re-
ceived his urgent insistence for admission, where
that insistance was alone so engrossing a pleasure,
that it made me inconsistently suffer a much dearer
one to be kept out; but how sweet to correct such
a mistake! My thighs, now obedient to the intima-
tions of love and nature, gladly disclose, and with
a ready submission, resign up the soft gateway to
the entrance of pleasure : I see, I feel the delicious
velvet tip!... he enters me might and main, with...
oh! my pen drops from me here in the ecstasy
now present to my faithful memory! Description
too deserts me, and delivers over a task, above its
strength of wing, to the imagination : but it must
be an Imagination exalted by such a flame as mine
that can do justice to that sweetest, noblest of all
sensations, that hailed and accompanied the stiff
insinuation all the way up, till it was at the end
of its penetration, sending up, through my eyes,
the sparks of the love-fire that ran all over me and
blazed in every vein and every pore of me : a
system incarnate of joy all over.
I had now totally taken in love's, true arrow from
the point up to the feather, in that part, where
making no new wound, the lips of the original one
- }i8 -
of nature, which had owed its first breathing to this
dear instrument, clung, as if sensible of gratitude,
in eager suction round it, whilst all its inwards
embraced it tenderly, with a warmth of gust, a
compressive energy, that gave it, in its way, the
heartiest welcome in nature; every fibre there ga-
thering tight round it, and straining ambitiously to
come in for its share of the blissful touch.
As we were giving then a few moments pause to
the delectation of the senses, in dwelling with the
highest relish on this intimatest point of re-union,
and chewing the cud of enjoyment, the impatience
natural to the pleasure soon drove us into action.
Then began the driving tumult on his side, and the
responsive heaves on mine, which kept me up to
him; whilst, as our joys grew- too great for utter-
ance, the organs of our voices, voluptuously inter-
mixing, became organs of the touch... how deli-
cious 1... how poignantly luscious 1... And now!
now I felt, to the heart of me I I felt the prodigious
keen edge, with which love, presiding over this
act, points the pleasure : love! that may be styled
the Attic salt of enjoyment; and indeed, without it,
the joy, great as it is, is still a vulgar one, whether
in a king or a beggar; for it is, undoubtedly, love
alone that refines, ennobles and exalts it.
Thus happy, then, by the heart, happy by the
senses, it was beyond all power, even of thought,
to form the conception of a greater delight than
what I was now consummating the fruition of.
Charles, whose whole frame was convulsed with
— 3*9 —
the agitation of his rapture, whilst the tenderest
fires trembled in his eyes, all assured me of a per-
fect concord of joy, penetrated me so profoundly,
touched me so vitally, took me so much out of my
own possession, whilst he seemed himself so much
in mine, that in a delicious enthusiasm, I imagined
such a transfusion of heart and spirit, as that
coalescing, and making one body and soul with
him, I was him, and he me.
But all this pleasure tending, like life from its
first instants, towards its own dissolution, lived too
fast not to bring on upon the spur its delicious
moment of mortality : for presently the approach
of the tender agony discovered itself by its usual
signals, that were quickly followed by my dear
lover's emanation of himself, that spun out, and
shot, feelingly indeed 1 up the ravished indraught:
where the sweetly soothing balmy titillation opened
all the sluices of joy on my side, which ecstatically
in flow, helped to allay the prurient glow, and
drowned our pleasure for a while. Soon, however,
to be on float again I for Charles, true to nature's
laws, in one breath, expiring and ejaculating, lan-
guished not long in the dissolving trance, but re-
covering spirit again, soon gave me to feel that
the true mettle springs of his instrument of pleasure
were, by love, and perhaps, by a long vacation,
wound up too high to be let down by a single
explosion : his stiffness still stood my friend. Re-
suming then the action afresh, without dislodging
or giving me the trouble of parting from my swee,
tenant, we played over again the same opera, with
the same harmony and concert: our ardours, like
our love, knew no remission; and all the tide serv-
ing my lover, lavish of his stores, and pleasure-
milked, he over-flowed me once more from the
fulness of his oval reservoirs of the genial emulsion:
whilst on my side, a convulsive grasp, in,the
instant of my giving down the liquid contribution,
rendered me sweetly subservient at once to the
increase of joy, and to its effusions : moving me
so,, as to make me exert all those springs of the
compressive exsuction, with which the sensitive
mechanism of that part thirstily draws and drains
the nipple of Love; with much such an instinctive
eagerness and attachment, as, to compare great
with less, kind nature engages infants at the breast,
by the pleasure they find in the motion of their
little mouths and cheeks, to extract the milky
stream prepared for their nourishment.
But still there was no end of his vigour : this
double discharge had so far from extinguished his
desires, for that time, that id had not even calmed
them; and at his age, desires are power. He was
proceeding then amazingly to push it to a third
triumph, still whithout uncasing, if a tenderness,
natural to true love, had not' inspired me with
self-denial enough to spare, and not over-strain
him; and accordingly, intreating him to give him-
self and me quarter, I obtained, at length, a short
suspension of arms, but not before he had exulting-
ly satisfyed me that he gave out standing.
The remainder of the night, with what we bor-
rowed npon the day, we employed with unwearied
fervour in celebrating thus the festival of our re-
meeting ; and got up pretty late in the morning,
gay, brisk and alert, though rest had been a
stranger to us; but the pleasures of love had
been to us, what the joy of victory is to an army:
repose, refreshment, every thing.
The journey into the country being now entirely
out of the question and orders having been given
over-night for turning the horses heads towards
London, we left the inn as soon as we had-break-
fasted, not without a liberal distribution of the tokens
of my grateful sense of the happiness I had met
with in it.
Charles and I were in my coach; the captain and
my companion in a chaise hired purposely for them,
to leave us the conveniency of a tite a tftte.
Here, on the road, as the tumult of my senses
was tolerably composed, I had command enough
of head to break properly to him the course of life
that the consequences of my separation from him
had driven me into: which, at the same time that
he tenderly deplored with me, he was the less
shocked at; as, on reflecting how he had left me
circumstanced, he could not be entirely unprepared
for it.
But when I opened the state of my fortune to
him, and with that sincerity which, from me to
him, was so much a nature in me, I begged of him
4i
— 322 —
his acceptance of it, on his own terms. I should
appear to yon perhaps too partial to my passion,
were I to attempt the doing his. delicacy justice.
I shall content myself then with assuring you, that
after his flatly refusing the unreserved, uncondi-
tional donation that I long persecuted him in vain
to accept, it was at length, in obedience to his
serious commands (for I stood out unaffectedly,
till he exerted the sovereign authority which love
had given him over me), that I yielded my consent,
to wave the remonstrance I did not fail of making
strongly to him, against his degrading himself, and
incurring the reflexion, however unjust, of having,
for respects of fortune, bartered his honour for
infamy and prostitution, in making one his wife,
who thought herself too much honoured in being
but his mistress.
The plea of love then over-ruling all objections,
Charles, entirely won with the merit of my senti-
ments for him, which he could not but read the
sincerity of in a heart ever open to him, obliged
me to receive hb hand, by which means I was in
pass, among other innumerable blessings, to bestow
a legal parentage on those fine chidren you have
seen by this happiest of matches.
Thus, at length, I got snug into port, where, in
the bosom of virtue, I gathered the only incorrupt
sweets: where, looking back on the course of vice
I had run, and comparing its infiunous blandish-
meats with the infinitely superior joys of innocence,
I could not help pitying, even in point of taste,
those who, immersed in gross sensuality, are
insensible to the so delicate charms of virtue, than
which, even pleasure has not a greater friend, nor
vice a greater enemy. Thus temperance makes
men lords over those pleasures that intemperance
enslaves them to: the one, parent of health, vigour,
fertility, cheerfulness, and every other desirable
good of life; the other, of - diseases, debility,
barrenness, self-loathing, with only every evil
incident to human nature.
You laugh, perhaps, at this tail-piece of morality,
extracted from me by the force of truth, resulting
from compared experiences: you think it, no doubt,
out of character; possibly too you may look on
it as the paultry finesse of one who seeks to mask a
devotee to vice under a rag of a veil, impudently
smuggled from* the shrine of Virtue : just as if one
was to fancy one's self completely disguised at a
masquerade, with no other change of dress than
turning one's shoes into slippers; or, as if a writer
should think to shield a treasonable libel, by con-
cluding it with a formal prayer for the king. But,
independent of my flattering myself that you have
a juster opinion of my sense and sincerity, give
me leave to represent to you, that such a suppo-
sition is even more injurious to Virtue than to me:
since, consistently with candour and good nature,
it can have no foundation but in the falsest of fears,
— 3*4 —
thtt its pleasures cannot stand in comparison with
those of Vice; but let truth dare to hold it up in
its most alluring light: then mark, how spurious,
how low of taste, how comparatively inferior its
joys are to those which Virtue gives sanction to,
and whose sentiments are not above making even
a sauce for the senses, but a sauce of the highest
relish; whilst Vices are the harpies that infect and
foul the feast. The paths of Vice are sometimes
strewed with roses, but then they are for ever
infamous for many a thorn, for many a canker-
worm : those of Virtue *are strewed with roses
purely, and those eternally unfading ones.
If you do me then justice, you will esteem me
perfectly consistent in the incense I burn to Virtue.
If I have painted Vice in all its gayest colours, if I
have decked it with flowers, it has been solely in
order to make the worthier, the sblemner sacrifice
of it to Virtue.
You know Mr C.....O....., you know his estate,
his worth, and good sense: can you, will you pro-
nounce it ill meant, at least of him, when anxious
for his son's morals, with a view to form him to
virtue, and inspire him with a fixed, a rational
contempt for vice, he condescended to be bis
master of the ceremonies, and led him by the hand
through the most noted bawdy-bouses in town,
where he took care he should be familiarized with
all those scenes of deoanchery, so fit to nauseate
a good taste? The experiment, you will.cry, is
dangerous. True, on a fool: but are fools worth so
much attention?
I shall see you soon, and in the mean time think
candidly of me, and believe me ever,
MADAM,
Yours, etc., etc., etc.
XXX.
THE END.
printed
by
CHARLES UNSINGER
Rut 4a Bac, &• 8j,
PARIS