THE BOOK OF
A
THOUSAND
LAUGHS
By
O. U. SCHWEINICKLEOh, die Gedanken. wie die stanken
Aus des Arschlock eines Kranken
LIMERICKS
There was a young lady quite wild,
Though wild, she remained undefiled
By thinking of Jesus and contagious diseases,
And the danger of having a child.
* *
NEW HAMPSHIRE
There was a young lady from Exeter,
So pretty that men craned their necks at her,
And one made so brave
As to violently wave
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
* *
ENGLAND
There are many fine ladies in Birmingham.
Have you heard the awful scandal concerning 'em?
How they lifted the frock
And played with the cock
Of the Bishop while he was confirming 'em.
* *
SIBERIA
There once was a Monk from Siberia,
Who of praying grew weary and wearier,
So he rushed into a Cell with a horrible yell,
And buggered the Father Superior.
* *
CHINA
There was once a heathen Cinhee,
Who went out in the Backyard to Pee,
Said he, what is thisee ? My cockee no pissee,
Helle, God Damee, Cordee.
* *
WISCONSIN
There once was a man from Eau Claire,
Who was banging his girl on a chair,
At the forty-first stroke the furniture broke,
And his gun it went off in the air.
* *
PROBABLY ATLANTIC CITY
There once was a plumber named Plumb,
Who was plumbing his girl by the Sea.
Said the Girl, I hear some one coming,
Oh, no, said the Plumber, that's me.
* *
There was a young man from Calcutta
Who performed a remarkable trick.
He greased his ass hole with butter
And then inserted his prick.
Now he did not do this for pleasure,
Nor did he do it for pelf.
He simply did it to oblige a friend
Who told him to go F. . . himself.
SCOTLAND
There was a young man from Clyde
Who fell in a shit house and died
He had a young brother, who fell in another
Now they both are "interred "Side by side."
THE LOVE ALHABET
A stands for Amour, which begins the affair
B for Boudoir, to which they repair.
C for the Cigarettes which are smoked in between
D for the Drinks, which sometimes are seen.
E for the Elevator which takes them up,
F for French Restaurant, like the Poodle Dog or Pup.
G for the Girl, may her ardor ne'er cool,
H for Husband, silly old Fool.
I for illicit love, long may it reign
J for the joy of it, giving sweet pain.
K for her kisses, provoking encore,
L for her lingerie strewn on the Floor,
M is for Me, dear, Gee ain't it grand.
N for both Nature and Nudity stand,
O for the Ohs, oft heard in the Night,
P for Perfection, which practice makes quite.
Q for Quantity and Quality too,
R for Resistance, 'tis found in a few.
S for her Skin, as fair as a Pearl,
T for Technique, which makes the head whirl.
U for Unity, which Nature has Taught,
V for Virginity, horrible thought.
W for Whirling Spray, noble Invention,
X for Expenses needless to mention,
Y for You, dear, inspiring this rhyme,
Z for the Zest of it, may it endure for all time.
(Parody of the Above)
THE LOVER'S ALPHABET
A for the Artful word he uses
B for the Blush as she gently refuses
C for the Creep of his hand up her legs
D for the Don't as he quietly begs
E for the Excitement when his hand get higher
F for the Feeling of ticklish desire
G for the Gasp as her sweet spot he touches
H for her Helplessness fast in his clutches
I for the Itching which makes her feel hot
J for the Jumps as he touches her spot
K for the Kiss with which he rewards her
L for the Love he now has to her
M for the Move they make into bed
N for the Neat way her legs are outspread
O for the Opening thereby revealed
P for the Pencil already peeled
Q for the Queer feeling she has when it's in
R for the Rapture even though it is sin
S for the Strokes which wax stronger and stronger
T for the Throbs which she wants to last longer
U for the Unction which comes with a rush
V for the Vim which attends a last push
W for the Wishes to do it again
Y for the Yearning which girls have for men
Z for the Zeal which the pleasure inspires.
AND THIS IS THE STORY OF ARDENT DESIRE
—Byron(?)
A frail young lady named Ilder
Went around with a husky young builder
Who thought that he should, that he could—and he would!
Also he did—and he damn near killed her.
* *
The scorpion climbed on the tarantwla's neck
And chortled with fiendish glee
I'll fuck this poisonous son of a bitch
Or—it's a cinch that he'll fuck me.
* *
Hickory is the hardest wood
Jazzing does the ladies good
It brightens their eyes and widens their thighs
And gives their ass good exercise.
* *
If the skirts grow any shorter
Said the flapper with a sob,
I'll have two more cheeks to powder
And another place to bob.
* *
There was a young man from Cape Corn,
Who wished that he never was born,
He wouldn't have been,
But the rubber was thin,
And neither one knew it was torn.
* *
There was a young man from Florida
Got stuck on a nasty, old, horrid whore.
When he got into bed
He said, "God strike me dead,
This ain't a cunt, it's a corridor."
* *
There was once an aesthetic young Miss
Who thought it was heavenly bliss
To fuck herself silly with the stem of a lilly
And sit on a sunflower to piss.
WITH APOLOGIES TO KIPLING
A fool there was and he made a prayer,
Even as you and I,
To a Rag and a Bone and a Hank of Hair;
Then he put the Bone up against the Hair,
And the Dam Fool found that the Rag was there.
For when the one greater scorer comes
To write against your name
He writes not what you won or lost
But how you played the game.
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole
I thank whatever God may be
For my unconquerable soul.
It matters not how straight the gate
How charged with punishment the scroll
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.
* *
IF
If you were to sin, like Elanor Glyn
Would you sin on a tiger skin?
Or would you prefer to err
On some other kind of fur
No—if I would sin like Elanor Glyn
I would sin—
On a White Bare? Skin.
* *
LIMERICKS
A charming young lady named Hopper
Committed a Social cropper
She went to South Bend—with a gentleman friend
And the rest of the story's improper.
* *
SHATTERED IN COLLEGE
There was once a young Vassar B. A.
Who worked at this problem all day.
Where the Quotient could be if C-U-N-T
Were divided by C-O-C-K.
Just then a Yale Student passed by
And she gave him this problem to try.
With the greatest of precision, he made the division,
And the Quotient was B-A-B-Y.
* *
TOASTS
A man may kiss his wife good-by
The Rose may kiss the Butterfly
The Sparkling wine may kiss the glass
But you my friend—farewell.
* *
I want the men I want the wine,
I want the lights that brightly shine;
I want the fun without the price,
I want to be naughty and yet be nice.
I want the thrill of a long drawn kiss
I want the things that good girls miss
I want the heart and arms of a man
And still stay single if I can
Now what I want is a little advice
On how to be naughty and yet be nice.
I don't want to die in the Wintertime
When everything is drear
I don't want to die in the Springtime
When the Summer time is near
I don't want to die in the Summer time
When the fields are ripe with corn,
But if I must die let me die in the Autumn,
On September Morn.
* *
If you were me and I were you
And no one on this earth but just we two
And each were sure that no one knew
I would—would you?
Here's to the Girls
Who GO with you
And Here's to those
Who COME with me.
Here's to the girls who will,
And here's to the girls who won't
And here's to the girls who say they will
And then you find they won't.
But of all the girls I've met
I'm sure you'll say I'm right
The girls I like the very best
Are those who say they won't
That look as though they might.
* *
Sixty years have come and gone
He's now behind the barrier
And what was once a magic wand
Is now, but a water carrier.
* *
The King sat in the counting house
Counting out his wealth
The Queen was in her bed room
Playing with herself
The Maid was in the pantry
Explaining to the groom
That the Vagina, not the Rectum
Is the entrance to the Womb.
* *
Here's to you and me and Blighty,
I in my Pajamas and you in your nighty.
After a few drinks we all get Flighty,
So, why the Pajamas and why the Nighty.
She saw him, and she sought him,
Seeking him, she met him,
Meeting him, she loved him,
Loving him, she let him,
Letting him, she lost him.
There's an old homely adage, 'mongst maidens forlorn,
The older the buck, the stiffer the horn;
But those who have lived down the age to know why,
Say this is a chestnut and all a damn lie.
From 20 to 30, if the man is all right,
Its twice in the morning and three times at night;
From 30 to 40, as sure as you're bom,
Its twice in the night and once in the morn;
From 40 to 50, without any warning,
He drops it at night or else in the morning;
From 50 to 60, its just now then,
And from 60 to 70, its God knows when;
And if he's past 70, as with all mankind,
If he does it at all, its all in his mind.
With women its different, its morning, noon and night
Regardless of whether they live long or right.
Age makes no difference as they are always inclined,
Nothing to get ready, not even their mind.
So its easy to see, after all's said and done
A man at sixty has completed his run
The woman at sixty, as figures don't lie,
Can take the old root until the day comes to die.
I am growing older every year
Gray Hairs are getting thicker, every year,
And my capacity for likker is getting less every year,
And though in some respects I'm bigger
I am slower on the trigger
And I cut less and less of a figger, every year.
SPOONING TIME
King Winter is here with his grouch,
The time when you sneeze and you slouch,
You can't take your women
Canoein' or swimmin'—
But much can be done on a couch.
* *
A MODERN VERSION
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water;
Jill came down with a two-dollar bill,
—Do you think they went for water?
* *
Sailing down the river,
Sitting in the stern:
Her hand in hisn,
And his hand in hern.
* *
A man on a trip through the Grand Canyon decided to make
"Angel Pass" on burros—while going up the grade he describes in a
letter as follows:
"As I sit on my ass in the Angel Pass,
This paradox comes to my mind—
One half of my ass
Is ahead of my ass,
And the whole of my ass is behind."
And that's that.
At a banquet every one present was requested to arise and make a wish. Presuming, of course, that everyone would express himself
as to what his dearest wish would be, one young man said:
"I wish I were a Diamond Ring
On some fair Maiden's hand,
So every time she wiped herself
I'd see the Promised Land."
* *
Who were the three most constipated men mentioned in the Bible?
Cain, because he wasn't able. Moses, because they gave him Tablets and Balam, because he had so much trouble with his ass.
* *
HERE'S HOPING
Here's hoping you live as long as you want to,
Here's hoping you want to as long as you live.
If I am asleep, when you want to, wake me,
And if, when awake, I don't want to—make me.
Tell me, what is worse than being all dressed up and no place
to go?
All undressed and can't come.
* *
If a passionate puppy is a hot dog, what is a constipated kitten?
A tight pussy. * *
NIGARA FALLS! The bridge's second great disappointment!
* *
A BUGGEROR—Says Oscar Wilde—is one who enlarges the
circle of his friends.
* *
What is the most useless space in the world?
Very easy. The space between twin beds.
* *
Life's Irony: One night with Venus. Six months with Mercury.
* *
Are you going to send your wife to the country? "No, I think
I'll fuck her myself."
* *
The height of Ambition:—A flea climbing up an elephant's
hind leg, with intent to commit rape!
* *
The height of Precaution:—An Old Maid putting a cundrum
on her candle.
* *
The most perilous indoor sport is said to be: BUTTON, BUTTON, HERE COMES MY HUSBAND.
* *
"Why is a Ford car called a Henry in Detroit and a Lizzie in
New York?"
"Because by the time it gets to New York it loses its nuts."
* *
Rape: Assult with intent to please.
A dog's idea of heaven: A mile of trees and a belly-full of piss.
A fool and her legs are soon parted.—
* *
Ziegfield chorus girls were sent on a hunt recently for a book
called Life of an African Princess by Erasmus B. Black.
It was said of a certain erotomaniac that he had cunt on his
mind so much that regularly every month he had a nosebleed!
* *
Isn't it peculiar that there are so many more Horses Asses in
the world than there are Horses?
* *
AN EXPERIENCE TABLE
March 4. Advertising for a girl to do typewriting------$ 1.30
" 9. Violets for new typewriter ............................................. .50
" 13. Week's salary of typewriter .......................................... 10.00
" 16. Roses for typewriter......................................................... 2.00
" 20. Miss Remington's salary...................................................... 15.00
" 20. Candy for wife and children over Sunday..........60
" 22. Box of bonbons for Miss Remington........................ 4.00
" 26. Lunch for Miss Remington .......................................... 5.75
" 27. Daisie's salary........................................................................... 20.00
" 29. Theatre and supper with Daisie at Del's ............ 19.00
" 30. Sealskin for wife..................................................................... 225.00
" 30. Silk dress for wife's mother ....................................... 50.00
" 30. Advertising for young man to do typewriting... 1.30
* *
Q. I was told that if I put a piece of wedding cake under my
pillow at night I would dream of my future husband. I did and
dreamed of the 23rd Regiment. Have I cause to worry?
—Arbella Wigglemuch.
A. I'll tell the world.
Q. Why do flappers wear black garters?
A. In memory of those who have passed beyond.
* *
What is the difference between people who live in Boston and
people who live on Long Island.
The people of Boston live on Beans and the Long Island people
live on the Sound.
* *
IN THE MAIL BOX
My sweetheart has bad eyes, and, very often, while sitting with
him in our parlor, I put out the lights, as I feel for the young man.
Am I doing right? —Lunchcounter Lulu.
It's alright, Lulu, providing he doesn't feel for you.
* *
CHANGE YOUR LUCK
Luck is a jade; 'tis hard to brave her
To her stern customs you must bow
There's but one way to win her favor—
A nigger lady told me how!
She is a wife in name only—but her apartment rent is paid.
* *
Here is to woman, creature divine,
She blooms each month
And bears every nine,
She's the only creature this side of Hell
Who can take meat from nuts
Without cracking the shell.
* *
I wish I were a little Fish
Frozen in the ice,
Then, when the girls went skating
God, wouldn't it be nice.
* *
Beneath the spreading Chesnut tree
The Village Smithy stands,
The Smith, a feeble man is he,
McCormick has his glands.
* *
Here's to the girl that does it—
Does it to one and all;
But damn the girl that gets a fellow going
And then won't do it at all.
* *
WHY DONT YOU?
I've encouraged you with sighing
And I've egged you on with song
I've tried weeping on your shoulder
All to help my suit along.
* *
I've been innocent—and daring
Reckless, gay—and wistful too
Other men fell just like ten pins!
Damn you, dearest, why don't you?
* *
What's the difference between a toad in the road and a pair of
girl's bloomers?—There is no difference, they're both in the road.
* *
What's the difference between an eighteen twenty-five girl
and a nineteen twenty-five girl? —The eighteen twenty-five girl
you had to hold her to do it, and the nineteen twenty-five girl you
have to do it to hold her.
* *
Why are a girl's breasts so near her face? —To keep pussy
away from the milk.
* *
What is a prostitute? A flapper who has lost her standing as
an amateur.
* *
What is the modern definition of adultery? The wrong man in
the right place.
Why do all the 1928 flappers pray on Sunday? Because they
go out on Saturday night and sow their wild oats and Sunday they
pray that the crop will be a failure.
* *
What's the difference between a gold fish and a voluptuous
woman? When a gold fish wiggles his tail he's going.
* *
Irving Berlin's latest song, "I cannot leave her behind—alone.
* *
She was the daughter of a butter-fly but he was a son-of-a-bee.
* *
What is a good stenographer? One who never misses a period.
* *
Why is a woman like a Bank?
Because when you withdraw she loses interest.
* *
I had a wet dream last night.
Is that so?
Yes, I dreamed of the Volstead Act.
* *
THE HEIGHT OF EXPECTANCY
A sparrow sitting on a horse's tail awaiting for his dinner.
* *
What must I do to get into the movies?
Be a punk actress and a good kid.
Last night I went automobile riding with a strange young man.
Did I do wrong?—Little Lulu.
Probably, my dear.
* *
I met an excellent young lady last night. I brought her a
dinner at the Ritz, took her to a show and brought her a champagne
supper. Should I have kissed her good night.—Ernie Emptyhead.
No. You did enough for her.
* *
I'm a good girl. I am a wonderful actress. I have been at
Hollywood for five years trying to break into the moves but without
success. What do you think is the reason for my failure?—Cleo
Crummy.
The first sentence in your letter.
* *
Some time ago a Kansas City paper ran a prize contest for men
offering $5000 for the best answer to the question, "What is the
best thing in the world?" The editor got 41,347 answers and they
were all identically the same.
* *
A hotel chambermaid on her honeymoon wrote to her friend:
"You ought to try it without your shoes, Mame, it's great."
I go to an osteopath twice a week to get tuned up and my
mother disapproves of it. What do you think?—Gertie Gump.
Read "Night Life in Paris" by Paul deKock and you won't need
to go to the osteopath. * *
I am nineteen years old and have just married a millionaire
aged seventy seven.
What shall I do to make my marriage happy?—
Sallies Softstuff.
Move next door to a pool room.
* *
Miss Bonedry Nobs was taking a stroll along Pennsylvania
Avenue.
Along tripped a Brazen Hussy. The hussy tipped the Congress-
man a nawsty wink.
"Will you take a walk?" she said.
"Alas, it is too late," said he.
"Too late, your eye," said she. 'Tis but 9 of the o'clock."
"Alas, it is too late," said he—"twenty years too late."
* *
A "stenog" had a quarrel with her boss. After she returned
from lunch she informed her boss she had a "new position." The
boss replied, "Well, lock the door."
* *
A young girl who had married an old man was asked how she
liked living with him. "Oh, it's the same thing, weak in, weak out,"
she answered.
* *
"The reason I don't cheat," said one married man to another,
"is that I find it so hard to keep up with my legitimate screwing."
The two most useless things in the world, says an Italian sage,
are a man's tits and the Pope's balls.
* *
Who are the four biggest liars in the world?
A Male quartette, singing, Yes, we have no Bananas.
* *
Why can't a seal sleep? Could you sleep if you had a couple
of flappers on each side of you.
* *
Why hasn't Santa Claus any children?
Because he only comes once a year and when he does come he
always shoots up the chimney.
What are the four stages of love? First hand in hand, then it
in hand, then hand in it and then It in It.
* *
Darling let me feel you garter
Just an inch above the knee,
And if my hand should slip up higher
Please don't put the blame on me.
Tho' the hairs on mine are silver
And the hairs on yours are gold
Let us put them both together,
Silver threads amongst the gold.
AN ODE TO JULIUS
By Kipyard Rudling
A fool there was and he met a belle,
Even as you and I,
He took her to a swell hotel,
Even as you and I,
He thought himself a smart young gink,
As he wrote "and Wife" with the pen and ink,
And carelessly gave the clerk a wink,
Even as you and I,
He called her dear and she called him pet,
Even as you and I,
He smiled as he thought of what he was to get,
Even as you and I,
Jane was Frisco's most beautiful belle,
And "Browny" was all set to give Jane hell,
But when you pass fifty, you never can tell,
Even as you and I,
They went up the hallway and into the room,
Even as you and I,
Trying to look like a bride and groom,
Even as you and I,
He gazed on her beautiful figure divine,
He put out the light and pulled down the blind,
And thought he was in for a wonderful time,
Even as you and I,
She took off her shirtwaist and showed her white breast,
Even as you and I,
He stripped right to the hair on his chest,
Even as you and I,
He jumped into bed with a yearning desire,
His body was feverish, his brain was on fire,
Then suddenly discovered he had a fiat tire,
Oy Yoy! Oy Yoy! Oy Yoy!
The fool sat down and he made a prayer,
Even as you and I,
To a rag, a bone, and a hank of hair,
Even as you and I,
For once in his life he prayed on the square.
But the beautiful Jane gave up in despair;
She called up a bell boy—gave Julius the air,
This is between you and I.
* *
EXPERIENCE
A Persian Kitty, perfumed and fair,
Strayed out through the kitchen door for air;
When a tomcat, lean and lithe and strong,
Of tortoise shell hue, came tripping along.
He sniffed at the perfumed Persian cat,
As she strutted about with much eclat,
And having a bit of time to pass,
He whispered, "Kiddo, you're some class."
"That's fitting and proper," was her reply,
As she arched the whiskers over her eye;
"I'm ribboned and I sleep on a pillow of silk,
And daily they bathe me in certified milk."
"Cheer up," said the tomcat with a smile,
"And trust your new-found friend awhile;
"You need to escape from your backyard fence,
For, my dear, all you lack is experience."
New joys of living Tom then unfurled,
As he told her tales of the outside world;
Suggesting at last with a lurid laugh,
A trip for them down the primrose path.
The morning after the night before,
The "cat came back" at the hour of four;
The look in her innocent eye had went,
But the smile on her face was the smile of content.
And in after days when the children came
To the Persian Kitty of pedigreed fame,
They were not Persian, but black and tan—
And she told them their pa was a traveling man.
* *
THE DESPERATE KID
The boy stood on the burning deck,
Lashed safely to the mast,
He would not move a single inch.
Till Oscar Wilde went past.
* *
I've been a bad woman, but I was good company.
* *
One of the biggest song hits of the season in New York is
entitled: —"She sits amongst the rusty nails and screws."
* *
B. S.
"Father, tell me what is bull shit?"
Asked an eager, earnest lad.
"Son," replied the loving father,
"Bull shit is both good and bad.
"As a literal translation,
Bull shit is the dung that's found
In the limit of the stock yards
Where the cows and steers abound.
"But in jesting, bar-room parlance,
Bull shit stands for something more;
It is salve to heal the suckers,
Who imagine they are sore.
"When a guy comes in and strings you
With a story fine and fit
All about a check that's coming,
Take my word, son, that's bull shit.
"When another guy approaches
With a lovely tale of woe,
And he mentions that he knew you
In the buried long ago,
"An dhe edges to you closely
At the table where you sit,
And about a small loan whispers,
Just believe me, that's bull shit.
"Now, this flower of stockyard fragrance
Doesn't bloom alone for men:
Women use it to advantage
In their business now and then.
"When a lady lax in morals
Fondly says that you are it,
While your coin is burning warmly,
Lad, she's handing you bull shit.
"If you cop a little fairy
When the lights are burning bright,
And the horse of dawn is riding
Down the beaten track of night,
"And she says it never happened
In her virgin life before,
And that drink and she were strangers
Till you butted in the door.
"And she tells you of her mamma,
And the things she don't permit,
Take a hunch, my son, and cop her—
All those bets, they're just bull shit.
"As a means of fertilizing
Lawns and gardens, you will find
That this product of the stockyards
Has the elements beat blind.
"But for any other purpose
Don't accept it—pass it by;
You may not detect the odor,
But it works both damp and dry.
"It is hard to tell the distance
Frogs can jump from where they sit;
This may illustrate the meaning
Of the classic term: bull shit."
* *
A chap was fooling with his sweetheart and had gotten up, well
about as far as he could. "Ouch," said the girl, "take your hand
awy, your ring is hurting me."
"Huh," said the fellow, "that's not my ring, that's my wrist
watch."
* *
A Southerner, who had the reputation of being a spell binder.
was asked at a Convention to make a speech and it was suggested
feat he talk on "home."
He made a beautiful speech, that brought tears to the eyes of
almost everyone there and just as a final touch he recited the fol-
lowing:
You may talk of some beautiful Bungalow,
On a Hillside by the Sea,
But a nice Black Ass on a Pile of Grass,
Is Home, Sweet Home to me.
A MOTORCYCLE MISHAP
A young girl was riding down a country road one day on a
motorcycle when the machine suddenly stopped.
As she was bending over it, searching for the cause, a country
fellow who was standing by the roadside, approached, and after eye-
ing the machine! a moment remarked: "Looks as if it was out of
juice.
The young lady after looking at the lad, decided to have some
fun with him, so she replied:
"Well, if you would have been between my legs as long as
this machine you'd be out of juice, too."
The country fellow looked at the machine for a time and then
said:
"Well, if I hat as many nuts as this machine, I'd give
you a
hell of a run for your money."
* *
A girl nay pilot an Airoplane
Or drive a Motor Car
But when it comes to riding a horse astride
Tha;'s stretching a "thing" too far.
* *
EPITAPH ON THE DUTCH TWINS
Here lie our twins so dead as nits,
Which Gott has killed mit ague fits,
He would not let them stay mit we,
So took them home to stay mit he,
I say 'Katrine"—that is my frow—
"You nust not weep or worry now,
You nust not weep, you must not fret,
We've got the tools to make 'em yet."
* *
OUT IN FRISCO
(After the Quake)
Out in Frisco.
There's nothing left to burn,
Out in Frisco.
For the red lights now I yearn
Out in Frisco.
Ml the joints are to the bad,
Try Martinis can't be had,
Milk-shakes are all the fad,
Out in Frisco.
Marchand's and Taits' are quiet,
Out in Frisco.
Canned goods are all the diet,
Out in Frisco.
And the famous French cafes,
With their naughty little ways,
All went up in one big blaze,
Out in Frisco.
The Poodle Dog is gone,
Out in Frisco.
And the Mother's lost her pup,
Out in Frisco.
If alone you'd like to to be
There's no place for privacy,
For the sports its 23,
Out in Frisco.
There's no more chance to sin,
Out in Frisco.
No place left to spend your tin,
Out in Frisco.
There's no more sporting life,
No one bothers with your wife,
From here on its way
With their BILLY
At the Richmond now they meet
There's nothing left but strife,
Out in Frisco.
When they want a bite to eat,
Out in Frisco.
If with your babe you would skidoo,
Take a hike to Ocean View,
There's no place left for you,
Out in Frisco.
Conscience need not trouble you
There's nothing left to do
Out in Frisco.
When you're dead they'll toll a bell,
Plant your carcass in an unused well,
You will go no further—-this is Hell,
Out in Frisco.
* *
"A LITTLE"
A little kiss a little smile,
A hand clasp every little while,
A little whisper in the ear,
That no one else must overhear.
A little pressure on the foot,
Upon a snugly buttoned boot,
A scribbed note, a little date,
To meet me when the hour is late.
A little dinner just for two,
A little drink when we are through,
A little room in some hotel,
A little promise not to tell,
A little bathroom all in white,
A little turning down the light,
A little shirtwaist on a chair
A little suit of underwear.
That comes off with a little teasing,
And shows a lovely form most pleasing,
A little blush, a little sigh,
A little promise bye and bye,
A little bed of shiny brass,
A little turning down the gas,
A little night robe, mostly lace,
More kisses and a tight embrace,
A little wrestling in the gloom
A deep sigh and a quiet room,
A pair of little hearts that beat,
A little effort to repeat
A little towel or maybe two,
A little snuggling up to you,
A little sleep 'til half past four,
A little teasing for some more.
Another little sleep and then,
Breakfast in bed at nine or ten,
A little fussing while we dress,
A cigarette and a caress.
A little bill, a little tip,
A little parting, lip to lip,
A little stealing down the stair,
A little secret one can share.
A little weariness next day.
Like little children after play,
A little wish that you and I,
May have another bye and bye.
* *
THE DIABETIC DOG
A farmer's dog came into town
His Christian name was Tige,
His mother showed his pedigree,
It was noblesse oblige.
And as he trotted down the street
'Twas a wonderful sight to see
Him piss against each corner,
And piss against each tree.
He pissed against each gateway,
And pissed against each post,
For pissing was his specialty
And pissing was his boast.
The city dogs looked on amazed
With growing jealous rage,
To see a simple country dog
The pisser of his age.
Some thought that he a king might be,
Of legend most forgot,
Whose are-hole shown like burnished gold,
And smelled like bergamot.
Then each dog smelled him critically,
They smelled him two by two.
But the farmer's dog in high disdain,
Stood still till they were through.
Then just to show his mettle,
And that he didn't care a damn,
He trotted to a grocery store
And pissed upon a ham.
He pissed upon a child's bare leg,
He pissed upon the floor,
'Till the grocer will a bull's eye kick,
Sent him pissing through the door.
Behind him all the city dogs
Lined up with instinct true,
To start a pissing carnival
To see the stranger through.
They showed him every pissing place
They had about the town,
And started in with many a wink
To piss the stranger down.
They sent for champion pissers
In training and condition,
Who sometimes did a pissing stunt,
Or pissed for exhibition.
So he kept pissing merrily,
With hind leg hoisted high,
While others hoisted their legs in bluff
But were pissing mighty dry
Then Tige sought new pissing places
By piles of scrap and rust,
'Till even the boldest pisser
Pissed only a little spurt of dust.
But on and on went pissing Tige
With shining amber rill,
Till the best pisser of them all,
Was pissed to a dead stand-still.
Then followed free hand-pissing
With fancy flirts and flings,
Like "double drop" and "gimlet twist"
And all those graceful things.
But not a wink gave the farmer's dog,
Not even a bark, but with a grin,
He pissed his journey out of town;
Just the same as he came in.
The city dogs, in Latin phrase,
Lost most of their conceitus,
They never dreamed until this day;
That Tige had diabetes.
* *
THE PASSING OF THE OLD BACKHOUSE
When memory keeps me company and moves to smiles or tears,
A weather-beaten object looms through the mist of years.
Behind the house and barn it stood, a half mile or more,
And hurrying feet a path had made, straight to its swinging door.
Its architecture was a type of simple classic art,
But in the tragedy of life it played an leading part.
And oft the passing traveler drove slow and heaved a sigh,
To see the modest hired girl slip out with glances shy.
We had our posey garden that the women loved so well,
I loved it, too, but better still I loved the stronger smell
That filled the evening breezes so full of homely cheer,
And told the night-o'ertaken tramp that human life was near.
On lazy August afternoons it made a little bower
Delightful where my grandsire sat and whiled away an hour.
For there the summer mornings its very cares entwined,
And berry bushes reddened in the streaming soil behind.
All day fat spiders spun their webs to catch the buzzing flies
That flitted to and from the house, where Ma was baking pies.
And once a swarm of hornets bold, had built a palace there,
And stung my unsuspecting aunt—I must not tell you where.
Then father took a flaming pole—that was a happy day—
He nearly burned the building up, but the hornets left to stay.
When
summer bloom began to fade and winter to carouse,
We banked the little building with a heap of hemlock boughs.
But when the crust was on the snow and the sullen skies were gray,
In sooth the building was no place where one could wish to stay.
We did our duties promptly, there one purpose swayed the mind.
We tarried not, nor lingered long on what we left behind.
The torture of that icy seat would make a Spartan sob,
For needs must scrape the goose-flesh with a lacerating cob.
That from a frost-encrusted hall, was suspended from a string—
For father was a frugal man and wasted not a thing.
When grandpa had to "go out back" and make his morning call,
We'd bundle up the dear old man with a muffler and a shawl.
I knew the hole on which he sat—'twas padded all around,
And once I dared to sit there—'twas all too wide I found.
My loins were all too little—and I jack-knifed there to stay,
They had to come and get me out, or I'd have passed away.
Then father said ambition was a thing that boys should shun,
And I just used the children's hole 'till childhood days were done.
And still I marvel at the craft that cut those holes so true,
The baby hole, and the slender hole that fitted Sister Sue;
That dear old country landmark, I tramped around a bit,
And in the lap of luxury my lot has been to sit.
But ere I die I'll eat the fruit of trees I robbed of yore,
Then seek the shanty where my name is carved upon the door.
I ween the old familiar smell will sooth my jaded soul,
I'm now a man, but none the less, I'll try the children's hole.
James Whitcomb Riley. —
* *
Two old maids
Went for
A tramp in the woods.
The tramp
Died.
* *
As I stepped up to the lonesome lady in the hotel lobby, I in-
quired, " Are you looking for a particular person?"
"I'm satisfied," she said, "if you are."
* *
NIGGER STORIES
A colored man was arrested for beating up a man most un-
mercifully and when the Judge questioned him why he did it he
answered that the victim had called him a black Son of a Bitch.
Well, that is no reason for your beating the man up so that
you nearly killed him.
Well, Judge, asked the accused, if a man called you a black
Son of a Bitch, what would you do?
They couldn't call me that, answered the Judge, I am not colored
Well, Judge, answered the Nigger, what would you do if he
called you the kind of a Son of a Birth what you is.
A coon who had been going around for some time with Lindy
Johnson. Taking her home one night he asks that she let him go all
the way.
"Dat's all right with me, Hiram; but it will cost you exactly
two dollahs."
"Look ahere, Lindy Johnson, I'se been going wid you now for
two months; I'se taken you to all de circuses and shows what came
to town; I done buy you all the peanuts and popcorn, and bows and
ribbons and perfume, and now dat I want a little piece of youh ass
you axes me two dollahs."
"Yes, mam, Niggah, it'll cost you two dollahs."
"Look here, Lindy Johnson, I wouldn't give two dollahs for
a piece of elephant ass, and dat am de highest what am."
* *
Two coons are walking along the street, and on the other side
of the street there is passing a Sister of Mercy. Said Mose to Ras-
tus: "Rastus, what am dat queer lookin' woman over dere? I done
nebber see one dressed like dat."
"Don't you know what dat am, Niggah? Dat am a Nun."
"What am a Nun, Rastus? How come! What an a Nun?"
"Why, you ignorant Niggah! A Nun am a lady what nebber
got None and nebbah expects to get None."
* *
THEY KNEW WHAT HE MEANT
Because of a disagreement with the Ladies' Aid Society, Parson
George W. Johnson, of the African M. E. Church, had been asked
to resign, and his farewell address was as follows:
"Brethren and Sistahs: I has recebed yo' resignation, which I
acceps. I leave yo' all wif no regrets. ;I does not say goodby nor
does I say fahwell. I has no vocabulary to express mah feelin's.
Neither does I say au revo,' but as I pass down de centah aisle, I
want each and ebry niggah heath to obserb pahticular de little bunch
ob mistletoe pinned to de tail ob mah coat."
* *
AND BESIDES, THAT'S HARD ON YOU RASTUS!
Mammy Lou passed at the stair door. "Rastus, O Rastus!"
she called.
"Yes, Mammy, what you want?"
"I wants to know what yo' doin?"
"I's just playin' on mah ukilalli."
"Well, jist quit it, you black rascal! Come down here right this
minute an' wash yo' hands, you dinnah am ready."
A young veterinary in the South was called in a hurry to at-
tend a horse, but by the time he arrived the animal was dead. He
asked the farmer if he might not take certain parts of the horse with
him, to preserve in alcohol, so he might have them in his office.
The farmer allowed him to and the vet cut out the heart, liver,
prick and balls of the horse, and threw them into the back of his
buggy. As he drove home over a-rough road, the prick and balls
were shaken out and lay in the road. A couple of negro wrenches
chanced to pass. They stopped to examine the objects in the road,
and then one said in awe-stricken tones: "See what the Ku Klux done
to our pastor!"
Rastus was pained. With no malice aforethought he had re-
turned home several hours earlier than usual, only to find his wife
in bed with the janitor. "Mandy, Mandy," he said, "I sho' am 'shamed
of you." But Mandy only looked up and said, "Look on, nigger,
gaze on an' learn something."
* *
A Negro and his newly-wed bride arrived at a Harlem hotel on
the first night of their honeymoon and immediately prepared for
bed. "Here's where ah cuts de gash dat nevah heals," said the groom
in an exultant voice. "Go easy, sweet papa, go easy, please," the
bride begged. "You all knows ah has a weak heart." "Don't you
worry honey," her husband assured her. "Ah'll go awful easy as
ah passes de heart."
* *
Rastus and Liza were just married, and hastened to their rooms.
A party of their friends, determined that the young couple should
have neither leisure nor rest that first night, undertook to serenade
them. Beneath the windows of the couple this party gathered, and
a frequent intervals made the night full with their noises. Each
time Rastus essayed to draw apart the viel that kept his bride from
becoming his wife, a fearful din would set in, so that he thought
surely his friends were going to break into their privacy, and per-
haps, catch him in
the very act. Finally Liza could stand it no
longer, to hover thus between the single and the married state, so
she called out in peevish accents to her husband that he demand his
friends to desist. He tried again and again, but they would not
heed him. Finally Liza yelled at him, "Rastus, pee on
'em Rastus."
The latter turned a reproachful, yet gentle look on his bride.
"Honey, whare yo' think dey is at, anyway? On de roof 'cross de
street?"
A negro excitedly entered the noted surgeon's office. "Doctor,"
he panted, "ah wants you to castrate me." "What?" marvelled the
medico. "A husky like yourself?" "Doan ask no questions, Doc",
the darky answered. "Castrate me. Heh's yo money." Shrugging
his shoulders, the doctor called his assistant, who administered the
ether, and the negro lost the power of his sex. As he came out of
the ether the doctor leaned over to him and said: "Now that you've
had this done, and while you're on the table, why not be circum-
cised?" "Dawgone, Doc," said the negro in a squeaky voice, "dat
am de word I wanted. Dat's what I want done!"
* *
A weazened little negro was on trial for rape. His accuser sat
in a chair on the stand and testified that on a summer's day he had
come across her in the woods, backed her against a tree and raped
her. There was no sympathy for the little negro. His goose was
cooked. The judge ordered the negress to step up onto the stand.
As she rose it was evident that she was several heads taller than the
defendant. "How comes it," asked the judge, "that a little bit of
a fellow like that was able to attack a large woman like yourself?
It seems to me that standing against a tree, as you say you were,
he could barely reach you." "Well, judge," admitted the plaintiff,
"ah'll admit ah did stoop a little!"
A colored girl was being delivered of a child. Downstairs waited
her Sam. Mandy suffered a great deal of pain, and; altogether, had
a hard time of it. Finally, when it was all over, she sighed and said:
"Ef this yer is what married life is like, you go down and tell Sam
our engagement is off."
* *
"C'mawm, Mammy," pleaded the young master with the cook,
"gimme a piece, c'mawn, lemme screw ya." "Go long, chile," laugh-
ed the black, "you too young. Go on long wid yuh." "Aw, 'mon,
Jes' a little screw," the boy pled. "Gon way chile, you too small, I
tell yuh." But the boy pleaded and pleaded, till finally Mammy
raised her skirts, and, standing against the wall, let the boy put
in his penis. The youth was diddling away with the ardor of puberty,
when the negress suddenly said: "C'mon in bed, chile, you got
talent."
* *
A teacher in a public school said to the children one day: "Now,
children, the principal is coming this afternoon and will put questions
to the class, and I want you to make a splendid showing, and as I
happen to know just what questions he is going to put, I am going
to coach you, and want you to answer him correctly. Now, Johonnie,
you are in seat one. He will ask you, 'Who made you?' and your an-
swer will naturally be, 'God made me.' You, Billy, are in the sec-
ond seat and he will ask you, 'Who were the first people on earth?'
and your answer will be, 'Adam and Eve'." And thus down the line
of scholars she went, instructing each one.
In the afternoon, just a moment before the principal came into
the room, Johnnie asked to go to the toilet. Turning to the first boy,
who in the absence of Johnnie happened to be Billy, he asked: "Who
made you?" The answer came back in a flash, "Adam and Eve."
"What's that! What's that? Don't you know that God made you."
"Not on your life," was the answer. "The fellah that God made is
downstairs taking a shit."
* *
Two chaps, who had studied in Paris, one a painter and the other
a sculptor, and who had roomed together in the Latin Quarter, met
on the street, after not having seen each other for a number of years.
After the usual questions and remarks at their joy about meeting
again after all these years, Jim, the sculptor, asks Bill, the painter,
how he was coming along, and being assured that all was well with
him, and how things were with him. Said Bill: "I want you to come
over to my studio and see my masterpiece. And my model! God!
man she's the most glorious creature in the world. She has hair
like spun gold. Her eyes are azure blue. Her nose, perfect, Her
cheeks like damask. Her mouth a cupid's bow. Her chin, perfection.
Her beautiful neck, like a swan's. The curve of her breasts—well,
man, I just can't describe it. And, say, old man, do you follow me?"
"Jesus Christ, yes, old top," was the answer. "I'm away ahead
of you."
* *
An Englishman was present at a party once during which one
of the guests recited a parody as follows:
"Mary had a little skirt,
'Twas split just right in half,
And everywhere that Mary went,
She showed her little calf."
It was a jolly rhyme, thought the limey, and made a mental
note of it. Back in deah ol'
Lunnon he essayed to repeat it at a
mixed gathering, promising it would amuse the ladies. This is the
rhyme as he read it:
"Mary had a little, er, ah, skirt,
'Twas slit, er . . . dontcherknow, just in front,
And everywhere that, er . . . Mary went,
She showed her little ....
My Gowd, that can't be right."
* *
THE SHIT HOUSE PHILOSOPHER
Said the Senator from Texas to the Senator from Utah: "It
must be hard to be a Mormon."
* *
What do you think she meant, when a girl makes the following
remark: "There are only two things to do on a rainy night, and
I don't like to play cards?"
The nervous groom: He got balled up and kissed the preacher
and handed the bride five dollars.
* *
A bachelor girl is a woman who has never been married.
An old maid is a woman who has never been married nor any-
thing.
* *
Quit eating beans—they talk behind your back.
If alcohol is the King of Spirits then Magnesia must be the
queen of the movies.
Slender women for romance, fat ones for pleasure!
* *
My girl is so good looking that whenever she gets on a street
car, the advertising is a total loss.
Two in the bush is the root of all evil.
* *
A humdinger is a fellow who can kiss a deaf and dumb girl and
make her holler "Hot Dog."
1ST * *
Never sue an editor for libel. He might prove it on you.
Love may be blind, but the neighbors aren't.
The next best thing to ambition is patience.
Manicuring: A nice side line for a pretty girl.
Better to marry a maid and surprise her than a widow and dis-
appoint her.
Will cocktails ruin my complexion?—Fanny Flybynight.
Yes, and other things besides.
Would you advise me to become a chorus girl?—Maryl Muss.
What's the matter; don't you get enough to eat?
* *
Definition of Wickedness: What the other fellow enjoys.
* *
A sense of decency will protect a girl better than iron under-
wear.
* *
I had only two vices and they're both gone. Prohibition took
away one and Old Age the other.
* *
Marriage is a great institution—but who in hell wants to live
in an institution?
* *
Love is the sugar-coating on the cake of trouble.
* *
Alcohol and vaseline are now the principal lines in the drug-
business.
* *
I love to go automobile riding with men, but I love my virtue
better. Would you advise me to accept a little invitation for a ride
now and then?—Gertie Gush.
Yes, but always take along a bicycle. The way back may be
long.
* *
I have a fine face and figure and should like to break into the
movies as a leading lady. Would you advise me to call on the direc-
tor of a film studio some morning?
No. Call on the boss of the studio some evening.
* *
I came home for lunch unexpectedly yesterday and found the
ice man in my wife's bed. What do you suppose he was doing there ?
Mike Muttface.
A hard-working ice man needs lots of sleep, you simp.
My husband comes home every night and never goes out for a
minute. Whad'ye think?—Mrs. Junck.
It must be inconvenient for the other fellow.
* *
WITH COVERS LAID FOR TWO
Would you like a little supper with covers laid for two,
You know the kind of supper that I mean.
And if you are not hungry, you can look the menu through,
You know the kind of hunger that I mean.
We'll have a little duck, celery salad on the side,
A little bottle cold as ice, in which we will confide,
All thoughts of the hereafter, and other things beside,
You know the kind of other things I mean.
When we've had that little supper, with covers laid for two,
You know the kind of supper that I mean
The dessert will soon follow, as desserts always do,
You know the kind of dessert that I mean.
We will have a little fruit, a little coffee on the side,
Then another little bottle, which doubtless will decide
If you're to go home early, and other things beside,
You know the kind of other things I mean.
Yes, I'd like that little supper, with covers laid for two,
I know the kind of supper that you mean.
And I'll come to you quite early, and I'll go the menu through,
And I know the kind of hunger that you mean.
And I'll not go home too early, it is rude to eat and run,
Your menu is a dandy and the dessert's number one
And we'll have that extra bottle, and other things for fun,
You know the kind of other things I mean.
Duet:
We've had that little supper with covers laid aside,
You know the kind of covers that we mean.
And the small hot bird was better for the gravy on its hide.
I know you know the small hot bird we mean.
* *
ON THE ROAD OF ANTHRACITE
The porter sleeps, the drummer creeps,
Into the berth where Phoebe sleeps.
All through the night he holds her tight
Upon the road of anthracite.
The months roll by, and with a sigh
Poor Phoebe says—Now I know why
My corset's tight, it was that night,
Upon the road of anthracite.
The drummer too is feeling blue,
And many a time that night did rue,
Alas poor soul he burnt his pole
Upon the road that burns hard coal.
And as you see if you'd be free,
From ills that hurt you when you pee,
Just travel right by day and night,
Keep off the road of anthracite.
THE NAUGHTY FLY
A little fly flew by the door,
He flew into the grocery store
He pissed on the cheese, and shit on the ham
And wiped his ass on the grocery man.
When the grocery man saw what he had done
He loaded up his gatling gun,
He chased the fly all up and down
An tried to shoot him in the brown.
But the fly was much, oh, much too slick,
He showed the grocery man a trick
He flew around the room and then
Went and shit on the ham again.
When he had done this dirty work
He flew over to the lady clerk
And up her leg he took a stroll
And took a bath in the lady's hole.
The lady laughed and said "Oh My,"
"Now, you're there, stay there, your naughty fly,
What made her laugh she did not know
But something up there tickled her so.
She felt so gay that she rolled on the floor.
And said "I never felt so gay before"
She closed her legs and held her breath
And the little fly was smothered to death.
* *
SHE GOT IT
Employer (to prospective stenographer): "And how much do
you customarily get, Miss Jones?"
Miss Jones: "Twenty-five dollars a week."
Employer: "I'll give you that with pleasure."
Miss Jones: "Making thirty dollars in all."
* *
A man sentenced to jail was visited by his lawyer in the morn-
ing and the Lawyer asked him how he felt.
Just like a bride was the answer.
What do you mean by that his Attorney?
I know what I'm going to get, but not how long.
* *
Man goes into a restaurant, seats himself at a table and asks that
the Proprietor be sent to him. The restaurant owner comes up and
asks, what can I do for you?
What do you charge for crabs? Seventy-five cents each, is the
answer. Put her there, old top, says the diner, sticking out his
hand. Shake hands with a millionaire.
* *
The night after a raid on an apartment house, with a question-
able reputation, the Judge, looking over the women taken in the raid
is horrified to see amongst the women brought before him the wife of
a very close acquaintance of his, a man high up in the financial and
social world. He looks at her and says, Mrs.----------------I am inex-
pressibly shocked and astounded to find you amongst these other
women. Do you mean to tell me that you are a professional Prosti-
tute. No, Judge, she answers, smiling sweetly, but a very enthusi-
astic Amateur.
* *
A woman goes into the New York Aquarium and has a guide
showing her around. He answers the many questions she puts to
him and when they come to a certain tank the guide explains to her
how the female comes and deposits her eggs in a hole in the sand and
swims away and then the male fish comes swimming over to the place
where the eggs are, fanning with his tail and then he swims away
and in that way the fish are propagated. Oh, said the lady. Now I
know why they call them "Poor Fish."
A young lady is giving a party finds that after her list is made
up of those she has invited, that she wants to cut down and takes
the list, takes a pin and punches a hole opposite the names of those
whom she thinks she will eliminate. Her Aunt, with whom she is
living comes in and she says, Aunty I have decided not to invite some
of those who were originally down to receive invitations. Which
ones, asks the Aunt. Oh, answers the girl, the ones with the little
"Oh, well, answers the Aunt," invite them anyway. Maybe they
play cards.
* *
A chap who was in the habit of going into a certain lunch room
day after day, and day after day, ordering the same thing, ham and
eggs, comes in one day, seats himself at the counter and the same
waitress who waited on him every day says, "I'm sorry Mr. Jones,
but I just scratched what you like."
"That's all right Violet," just wash your hands and bring me
some Ham and Eggs.
* *
A kike named Nafskie wanted to change his name and when
asked by the Judge what he wanted to change it to, and why, an-
swered, Vell, it is so Jewish. I like to have it changed to Hurwitz.
A southern colonel, goes into one of the modern hotel toilets,
where you drop a nickel into the slot in order to get into the private
enclosure. When he comes out he hands the colored attended a
fifteen cent tip. Thank you, Sah, thank you, Colonel, I'se much
obliged, in deed I is. What's the matter, asks the Colonel? Isn't
business good? Why, Colonel, says Sambo, all day long it's been
Piss, Piss, Piss, and you'se de first S----t dats been in here today.
* *
A week before the wedding the young girl came to her mother
in tears. "I'm so afraid about getting married," she said. "I'm
afraid I won't be able to please my sweetheart." Her mother, who
wanted to make the girl's trials easier, undertook to explain to her
the secrets of married life. With some hesitation, she began to
explain to the girl what she would have to go through, "Oh, that
doesn't bother me, mother," said the daughter, "I can fuck alright,
but I can't cook."
* *
A Michiganite, who had just purchased one of Mr. Ford's latest
was out for a drive one day when the car suddenly halted and he
could not get it started again. Just then Henry himself drove by
in a Lincoln, saw the man's difficulty and stopped. "I can't seem
to turn the engine over," the customer complained. Ford himself
lifted the head, leaned down into the mechanism and whispered to
it. Immediately the engine began to run. "Oh, Mr. Ford, please
tell me what you told the engine," the man pleaded, "so I won't have
this trouble again." " I just whispered 'Lizzie, this is Henry, turn
over'," said the great inventor.
"I'm going to buy a Studebaker," an old maid said to a friend
of hers. "Don't do it," he counseled, "Get a Buick. If you buy a
Studebaker, you'll get screwed." Next day she had a Studebaker.
A professor of botany was lecturing to a girl's class. "This
twig you will notice," said he, "is composed of bark, hardwood, and
pith Of course you know what pith is." The class stared at him
blankly. "Don't you know what pith is?" the professor repeated.
"You, Miss Brown, you know what pith is, do you not?" "Yeth,
thir," said Miss Brown.
* *
The Dinktown band was doing its best when someone called the
piccalo player a son of a bitch. The leader's baton beat a tatoo on
his music stand, and the players became silent. He turned to his
audience. "Who called my piccalo player a son of a bitch?" he
demanded. A voice in the rear of the theatre yelled back: "Who
called that son of a bitch a picollo player?"
* *
Said the young girl to the physician, Oh, Doctor, where does
the baby come out? Where it went in, was the answer. Oh, I know,
Lincoln Park.
* *
PROOF OF PROTECTION
"Marion certainly must be a good girl."
"Why so?"
Her name came up in the barber shop last night and no one
knew anything about her."
* *
JEWISH STORIES
Becky came to her father with her head downcast. "Papa," she
said, "you know that rich Mr. Leventhal? Well, he knocked me up,
and I'm going to have a baby soon." "My God," said the father,
"Where is he, I'll kill him, the bastard, the moiderer, the son-of-a-
bitch. Give me his address. I'll moider him." Dashing to the rich
man's home, he cornered him, and in a loud voice, he told him what
he intended to do. But the rich Mr. Leventhal was quite calm. "Don't
get excited," he said, "I ain't running away, and I intend to do the
right thing by your daughter. If she has a child and it's a boy I'll
settle on her fifty thousand dollars. If it's a girl, I'll settle thirty-
five thousand on her. Is that fair?" The father halted, while the
look of anger on his face changed. "And if it's a miscarriage," he
pleaded, "will you give her another chance?"
Bernstein met Cohen on the street and seemed to be very angry.
"Cohen," he yelled, "you got to make that boy of yours behave, or
I" break every bone in his body." Cohen, demanded to know what
had happened to cause this outburst. "He came to my house last
night," said Bernstein, "and went with my daughter in the parlor.
Like a good feller I left them alone. Now listen Cohen, I don't
throw it up to you that he laid by Becky over on the couch. I don't
throw it up to you that he screwed my Becky there; but what gets
me real angry is why does the son-of-a-bith have to wipe his schwanz
on my plush portieres?" * *
Edelson had retired from business and was enjoying life, till
one day his eldest son came to him and demanded ten thousand dol-
lars. "I knocked up a girl," he said, "and I got to have it, or there'll
be terrible trouble. You must save the family name." "This is
terrible " said the old man, "but I can't see the family disgraced.
Here is my check." Several days later his other son came to him.
"Papa," he said, in an agonized voice, " I've got to have twenty
thousand. I knocked up a girl and if I don't have the money we are
all ruined." "Gevald," said the father, "that takes away nearly
mine whole fortune. But I can't see the family named disgraced.
Here's the money." A few days later his daughter came to him and
confessed, "Papa, I'm pregnant." "Thank God, business is picking
up," said the old man.
* *
The doctor had just delivered a young woman on the west side
of a lovely child, and he complimented her, asking to see the father
of such a wonderful baby. "I'm ashamed to admit it, doctor," said
the young woman, "But my husband is on the road. The father of
this child is Meyer Ginsburg." "Oho," thought the doctor, "one of
those cases," and went on his way. In a few days he was called to
confine a woman on the east side, and she also said the father of
her child was Meyer Ginsburg. The following week a woman in
Brooklyn attributed the parenthood of her child to Meyer Ginsburg.
In short the doctor answered about a dozen cases, in each of which
the father was named Meyer Ginsberg. The last straw came when
he was called to the Bronx to a family named Ginsburg, and delivered
the woman of triplets. "Pardon me," said the doctor, "but is your
husband named Meyer?" "Yes," answered the woman, "Do you
want to see him?" He's downstairs in the yard, sawing some wood."
The doctor went down, to see this marvel, and found him a weazened
little Hebrew. "Listen, Meyer," said the doctor, "I confined in the
last few weeks twelve women in all parts of the city, uptown, down-
town, east side, west side, Brooklyn, Queens and the Bronx, and
each one said you are the father of the child. My God, man, how
do you do it?" "It's easy doctor," Ginsbery replied, "I got a bicycle."
* *
Goldstein's wife had died. Goldstein made the house ring with
his lamentations. Finally his brother persuaded him to go to his
room, to quite himself. For three days nothing was heard of Gold-
stein. His brother, alarmed, went up to see him, and found him
screwing the maid. "Meyer," he said, in an injured tone, "Only
a few days your wife is dead Meyer, and what are you doing?"
Meyer stopped long enough to look up. He pleaded, "In my grief, I
should know what I'm doing?"
This story recites how Levy came home early one day, to find
his wife in bed under the vigorous strokes of a stranger. "Rebecca!"
said Levy, "To think that after all these years, after all I did for
you, after I made you a lady and gave you from the finest, and you
should do such a thing to me. Rebecca, I took you when you was
a poor girl and . . . ain't you even got respect enough to stop
while I'm talking to you?"
* *
Abrams frantically dashed up the stairs of his home. "Sarah,"
he panted, "we got to move out of here right away. I just found
out the most terrible thing. I just learned that the janitor from this
house screwed every woman in it but one." "Yeh, I know," said
Sarah, "that's that stuck up thing on the third floor."
A marriage-broker was trying to arrange a match between a
business man and a beautiful young girl. But the business man was
obdurate. "Before I buy goods from a mill I looked at snatches,
and before I get married I must also have a sample," he said. "But,
my God, you can't ask a virtuous, respectable girl for a thing like
that," said the schadchen. "I'm a man from business," said the
other "and that's the way it will be done, or not at all." The broker
went off in despair to talk with the girl. "I got for you a fine feller,
with lots of money," he said. "He's a business man and his rating
is O.K. But he's eppis a little meshuga. He says he's a good busi-
ness man, and wouldn't go into nothing blind. He must have a
sample." "Listen," said the girl. "I'm so smart a business man
as he is. Sample I wouldn't give him. References I'll give him!"
* *
Four or five Jewish women were sitting on the veranda of a
Jewish Golf Club, when one of them said, "Look, aint that a shame.
Way over there are two fellows peeing up against the fence, vat
right they got to behave so?"
Mrs. Cohen, who couldn't see very well without her lorgnette,
lifts it up to her nose, and says, "that's a real chutzpa, vy, dey aint
even members."
* *
The old couple had just gone to bed. "Nu, Meyer, do some-
thing," prompted the old woman. "No," said Meyer, "no. Honest,
Becky, I'm too tired to think of anyone."
* *
Cohen and Goldberg were partners and were quite successful,
when suddenly, out of a clear sky, ruin fell on them. Cohen ran
about the place, tearing the hair out of his head by the handful.
Goldberg, on the other hand, seemed to be more calm about it. He
strutted up and down, his hands in pockets. "Bastard!" yelled Co-
hen. "Louse! Look how you enjoy this trouble. I'm going around
tearing the hair from my head and you walk around like a sport."
"Never mind, Cohen," said Goldberg, "I'm tearing my hair out too.
But nobody sees me."
* *
Mrs. Goldberg greeted her husband with tears when he arrived
home aftered a hard day in the shop. "Doctor Cohen says I got
tuberculosis and must die yet," she moaned. "What!" shouted Gold-
berg, "That loafer told a big, fat woman like you that you got T. B. ?
I'll run see him right away." He rushed to the doctor's office and
burst in on him. "Doctor Cohen," he said, "what do you mean by
telling my wife she's got tuberculosis and must die? I'm Goldberg."
The physician looked him over slowly, then said, "I never told your
wife that. What I said was that she's got too big
a tokus and must
diet."
* *
"You're asking am I a good cook?" said the wife of a travelling
man to a friend. "Why, my Abie is just crazy for the pot roast I
make. In fact, when he comes home from the road that's the second
thing he asks for!"
* *
A kike sitting in a coach on a local train, looked across the
aisle and saw a detective, who had with him a chap with his hands
tied behind his back. The kike leans over and asks, vats the matter
vid dot feller. The detective answers, Bugs. The kike didn't un-
derstand and asked him again, what is the matter vi dot feller. Nuts,
Nuts, answered the detective. Still the kike didn't get it, Mister, he
said, please tell me vot is the matter vid dot feller. He's crazy, was
he answer. Oh, said the kike, a light dawning. No wonder, vid
bugs and his nuts and his hands tied behind his back. No vonder
he's crazy.
Mr. Ginsburg writes to his former friend Mr. Lazinsky as fol-
lows: Dear Sir: I wish you to be in my office tomorrow morning at
ten o'clock sharp. I understand you have ben yenzing my wife. He
received a letter from Lazinsky, which started as follows: Dear
Mr. Ginsburg: Your circular letter received. I will be at the con-
ference.
* *
Do you know, Mrs. Issacson, said Mrs. Cohn, that Becky Mor-
genstern is engaged to be married to Izzy Braunstein from Yonkers.
I feel sorry for that young man, said Mrs. Issacson, why that
Morgenstern girl has been intimate with almost every young man in
Yonkers. Why should he worry, Yonkers isn't such a big place.
* *
Beck Glickstein goes to the doctor and asks him to give her a
thorough examination, saying she believes she is in a family way.
"I am sure of it, Doctor, because I feel life."
After giving her a thorough examination, the Doctor says:
"Nonsense! You don't feel life. That's a bed bug in your navel."
* *
POOR OLD BOY
At the close of our existence
When we've climbed life's golden stairs,
And the chilling winds of autumn
Kindly toss our silvered hairs,
When we feel our manhood ebbing
And we're up to life's last ditch,
And we find our faithful Peter
Soundly sleeping at the switch,
Gosh, almighty, ain't it awful,
Don't it make us deathly sick,
When the hateful fact confronts us,
That we've got a lifeless Dick.
Ain't it sad for us to know,
When we take him down the street,
That he ne'er again will wrestle
With the pussies that we meet.
That he never again will bristle
On a wet and windy day,
When some maiden shows her stocking,
In that naughty, cunning way.
Oh, my poor old loyal King Pin,
How my heart goes out to you,
For I can not but remember,
All the stunts you used to do.
How you charmed the maids and maidens
And the dashing widows too,
How you had the whole bunch begging
For a little bit of you.
Do you think I have forgotten,
When each charming girl you tried,
I would never make you quit her,
Till she sighed, I'm satisfied.
Do you think I'll now forget you,
Just because you are so dead,
And because when I command you,
You can't lift your pallid head?
No, indeed, my valiant comrade,
Naught shall rob you of your fame,
Henceforth you shall be my Pisser,
And I'll love you just the same.
THE BOOB
We were sitting on the sofa in the golden long ago,
With soft pedal on the gas light chandelier,
And the rays on her kimona, brought a sensuous sort of glow
Of a longing, checked by verdancy and fear.
Leaning over in the dimness, she remarked, we're all alone,
And the chance you miss tonight you will repent,
Then with a sigh of resignation, settled back and gave a groan
And I've really often wondered what she meant.
Once again, down at Tortoni's, for a little German lunch,
While the whirl-i-gig electric buzzers fanned,
She did something very funny, and I've often had a hunch
She was peeved, because I didn't understand,
For she marred the meditation of my half delightful doze
As she murmured: "Don't forget, this isn't lent."
Then she pressed a piece of herring underneath my nodding nose,
And I've really often wondered what she meant.
* *
Lord Cholmondely called his valet to him. "I'm bored this eve-
ning, he said, "Bring me a whore." His valet went on the errand
and soon returned with a fairly presentable young English girl,
blond-haired and blue-eyed. "Undress," said m'Lord, "Lie on that
couch there." As the girl complied, he removed his waistcoat and
trousers, and mounted her. He was laboring with great diligence
when the lady, to let him have the thrill that went with each of her
affairs, gave him a moist tongue kiss. "Here now," said the Lord,
"don't get personal, or I shall jolly well stop screwing you!"
* *
An Englishman was pacing up and down the corridor of the hos-
pital, waiting while his wife was being confined. Suddenly the doc-
tor emerges from the room and says, "I have to congratulate you.
You are the father of a fine seven pound boy." "Oh, I say," said
the Englishman, "that's ripping, doctor, ripping." The doctor dis-
appears into the room again and after a few minutes the English-
man sees a nurse run hurriedly in. Ten minutes later the doctor
comes out again and says, "Sir, I have to congratulate you again,
You are the father of another fine six pound boy." "Oh, my royal
aunt," ejaculates the Englishman, "that's quite wonderful." A short
time later the doctor again emerges, with his bag and putting on
his gloves. "I say, doctor" said the new father, "would you mind
doing me a favor?" "If I can," says the doctor, "certainly." "Well,
just go back and have another look around. You see, my wife she's
such a roomy old thing."
* *
Standing on the curb in London was an American. He was
jammed in a big crowd, who were waiting to see the King go by in
a parade. All of a sudden, he hears then commence cheering and
throwing their hats in the air. Rather disgusted at the fuss made
over Royalty, he answers a Cockney, who is crying, The King, The
Kin, Oh, f---------the King. F---------him? F---------him? Why, I
say, old chap, you cawnt even approach him.
* *
An Englishman returned home suddenly one day from a meet-
ing in the House and directed that his wife be sent to him. "Madame
is in her boudoir," the butler replied. "Very well, then I'll go to
her," said m'Lord. "I'm afraid, Sir, she has company," suggested
the servant. True enough when the M. P. softly opened the door
of his wife's bedroom he saw her, or more properly her legs, high
in the air, under the vigorous stroking of her lover. The Englishman
seized his hunting rifle from a rack and levelled it on the offenders.
"Remember, Sir, you're a sportsman," softly whispered the butler,
"Get him on the rise."
* *
A London cabby was arrested for using abusive language to a
lady passenger. The court was reproving him: "Don't you know
any better than to use such language to a lady?" said the judge.
"She's no lady," said the cabby. "Indeed!" said the judge. "And
would you recognize a lady if you saw one?" "That I would, yer
wushup," was the reply. "I had a lady fare only last week. I drives
'er from Trafalgar Square to 'er 'ouse about four mile distant and
she gives me a guinea. 'Pardon, lady, yer change,' says I. But
she says, 'Stick the change up yer arse.' That's what I calls a lady
yer wushup."
An Englishman who used (before prohibition) to get in every
morning and take his morning drink, would ask an Irishman, who
was a hanger-on, to take a drink with him. He was never refused,
and the Irishman would always say, "I'll take the same." The Eng-
lishman thought he would play a joke on the son of Erin, so one
evening he dropped into the place and told the bartender that the
next morning he would take a certain
egg drink and would ask for a
"Poop Cocktail." "And put a rotten
egg in the Irishman's" he said.
Coming in the next morning and going up to the bar he asked
for a "Poop Cocktail." "What will you have?" he asked the Irish-
man, who was there on deck. "I'll have the same." The bartender
did as told, and when he started drinking, after one taste, the Irish-
man stopped and said, "Bartender, phat was it yez called this here
drink?" "A 'Poop Cocktail'," answered the white-coated one. "Well,
all I can say is this, ye moight have pooped in his, but I tink ye shit
in moine."
It used to be the custom of an ex-prize fighter to stand on the
corner of Broadway and 45th Street and address young women who
went by with this question: "Do you fuck?" A friend of his rem-
onstrated with him. "Don't you get many a slap in the face?" he
asked. "Yes," the pug answered, "But you'd be surprised what a
lot of fucking I get, too."
* *
CAN YOU BLAME HER?
Judge—And what are your grounds for divorce?
Young Bride—Harry snores.
Judge—How long have you been married?
Y. B.—Two weeks.
Judge—Granted, he shouldn't snore.
* *
A LOVELY PROGRAM
It was at a hop where the name of each waltz on the program
was inscribed against the number, and he strolled up to her an asked
for a dance or two. She handed him her card.
"May I have 'Nights of Gladness'?" he inquired, pencil in hand.
"Certainly," she replied with a far away look in her eyes. Then
she glanced at her card again.
"That comes after 'A Thousand Kisses,' doesn't it?"
* *
A lady walks into a grocery store and immediately begins to
sniff. She asks the Grocer, "Is it my fancy, or do I smell Fish?"
"It must be your fancy, Madam," replied the Grocer, "W don't
sell Fish."
* *
Three traveling men whose territory was in the South were dis-
cussing the hard times that prevailed in their respective territories.
Said the first one: "I just came back from Alabama and the
men there are wearing suits they had had for six or seven years and
their shoes they have re-soled five and six times."
That's nothing said the second one: "I just came from Texas.
Terrible hard times there and scarcity of money. All due to the
terrible drought they have had. Why, there were frogs down there
seven years old that don't know how to swim."
Well, said the third man: "I just came from New Orleans, and
while walking down the street the other day I kicked something and
picked it up and by God, it was a condrum that had been vulcanized
four times."
* *
WHY?
Why do nurses take a new born baby and lay it on its back the
very first thing?
Why, to see whether its Put or Take.
IN THE COUNTRY
A school teacher in a country district got horsy one afternoon,
and making up her mind she would have a piece, determined that she
would keep Big Bill Simpson, her largest scholar, in after school to
accommodate her. Now Bill was an innocent country lobster, and
hardly knew he was alive, and when the teacher said, "Bill Simpson,
you will remain in after school to assist me in some work," he replied,
"All right, ma'am."
After all the other scholars had gone on their way she got to
fooling with Bill and finally said: "Let's take a walk." They went
down the lane, and she raised her skirts up to her thighs in jumping
mud puddles and getting over fences, but the unsophisticated Bill
never took notice. Finally they reached a barn, and she said "Let's
go in here." So they went in, and she climbed the ladder to the
loft and he followed her. When she got up in the hay she pulled her
clothes clear up to her neck and said, "Come on, Bill, let's do some-
naughty." "All right," said Bill, "let's both shit in the hay."
* *
THE STEREOPTICON LECTURE
Mr. Patrick O'Brien had recently purchased a worn-out stere-
opticon outfit and with the assistance of his friend Larry, he was
giving his first public exhibition, it being at a church social. When
O'Brien purchased the outfit he was given verbal instruction in re-
gard to the lecture which accompanied the pictures, but the most
of the lecture had already slipped his mind. After the usual pre-
liminary arrangements had all been made, O'Brien stepped forward
and made the following announcement:
"Ladies and gentlemen and little children;
"I take great pleasure in introducing to you our celebrated
pictures which have been exhibited before all the crowned heads
of Europe, Asia, Africa and parts of New Jersey. The pictures
are principally taken from biblical history, and are interspersed with
others taken from 'Goldsmith's Animated Nature.'
"The first picture which I shall show you represents 'Denial in
the Lion's Den.' Denial not giving a damn for the Denial; you will
easily distinguish Denial by the green coat he wears. Denial was
a Kerry man. Wether the lions in
the background bitin' the fleas
have anything to do with the picture I don't know.
In the morning Nebuchadhezzar came to Denial and said; 'Look
out Denial, the lions will bite you.' 'Bite me arse' said Denial, 'they
have no teeth.' 'Who pulled them,' said the king. 'The Lard pulled
them,' said Denial. And the king said 'Denial, hadst thou not dis-
pleased me you would not have been cast into this dark hole'. 'What
hole?' said Denial. 'Arse hole' said the king, and the drinks was
on Denial."
At this part of the lecture several in the audience commenced
to show signs of uneasiness, and O'Brien stepped to the front of
the platform and said: "Let no one leave their seats as the best
part of the show is yet to come.
"Larry, turn the crank just a little more—that will do.
"The next picture, ladies and gentlemen, is Faith, Hope and Char-
ity. Look at it boys, look at it; ain't it grand? The one on the left
with the pretty face is faith, the one in the center with the big tits
is Hope, but Lard Gard, boys, look at the arse on Charity. Arrah
Gorrah, boys, if I was only there.
"Let no one leave their seats.
"The next picture is taken from Goldsmith's Animated Nature,
and represents the Alligator, a denizen of the Nile; he has a wide and
expansive smoile and it is said that he do agitate the waters when
he enters the satchel of his mate.
"Larry, turn the crank just a little more.
"The next picture represents the Gorilla of the African forests
who, in certain seasons of the year, seizes the female of his species
and flies to the top of the trees with her, and amidst loud cries of
'a-yum-yum," puts the blocks to her.
"Larry, turn the crank.
"Ah, this picture, ladies and gentlemen, represents the Kangaroo
of Australia. It is said that he takes a leap of forty and seven feet
like the devil going through Athlone, and every time he leaps he
farts and every time he farts he leaps. Long lectures have been
delivered and large books have been written as to whether he leaps
to fart or farts to leap."
At this part a large number of the audience manifested a desire
to leave the hall, which had the effect of making O'Brien mad, so
he stepped to the front of the platform and in a very severe tone and
injured manner spoke as follows.
"Ladies and gentlemen, during my long career before the pub-
lic, this is the first time that I have ever noticed marks of disap-
probation among the audience. Let no one leave their seats, the best
part of the show is yet to come.
"Larry, turn the crank, not quite so far; ah, that will do.
"This picture represents the 'Mastodon' or Mammoth, of holy
writ. It is similar to the elephant of our days, only it has no hair
on it,' It is said he has intercourse with the female of his species
but once in a thousand years, but when he do, Lard Gard how he
do enjoy himself.
"Let no one leave their seats.
"The next picture represents the Rhinoceros, which means the
richest animal in the world; the words 'Rhimino is from latin and
money. Oceros' a sore arse, means piles—Piles of Money."
"Larry, turn the crank.
HOME SWEET HOME
Home scenes now present a picture,
Dark and gloomy as the tomb,
Susie's fellow has a stricture,
Maud has falling of the womb,
Billie has a chain of chancres
Got from brother William's wife,
Alice's ovaries are busted
And the cook has change of life.
Ma has painful menstruation—
Not a soul around home smiles.
What's your present occupation?
Cracking ice for grandpa's piles.
HERE'S A CUTIE
Said the Big Brown Rooster with a strutting stride,
Say, old kid, I'm getting mine outside,
Said the little Brown Hen with a nervous twitch,
You've nothing on me, you Son of a B------.
* *
TRANSLATED BY EUGENE FIELD
With fond regrets I now remember
Those happy days of youthful fun
When all my limbs were lithe and limber,
Did I say all? "Yes, all but one."
Those happy days have gone forever
Those happy days of youthful fun,
My limbs have all grown hard and stiffer,
Did I say all? "Yes, all but one."
FROM COONTOWN
Rufus Rastus Johnsing Brown,
What you gwine to do if I don't come round,
What you gwine to say, what you gwine to pay
I wish I used my whirling spray,
I've taken my fill of Tansy Tea,
Till I'm as sick as I can be.
I tell you Rufus Rastus Brown,
Dere's gwine to be hell if I don't come roun'.
O. Liza Linda Johnsing Brown,
Do'n tell me about you not comin roun,
I've nothing to say, and nothing to pay,
I don't know nothing bout your whirling spray.
You orter be sick for I'll be boun,
You've diddled all the niggers in this here town,
So Liza Linda Johnsing Brown,
I don't give a dam if you never come roun.
* *
THANK HEAVEN
Electrical appliances have superseded steam,
The old style sailing vessel is an antiquated dream,
We have our horseless vehicles, the bicycles and sich,
And women wear silk hosiery and never knit a stitch,
We've telegraph that's wireless, we talk through air and sea,
We play machine pianos and never touch a key,
The belly ache of old is called appendicitis now,
We've eating cheese and butter not the part of any cow,
We've machines to do our talk, singing, laughing, too, as well,
What next will be surplanted by machines is hard to tell.
Improvement is our motto, and what else may come to stay,
Thank God we'll make the babies in the same old fashioned way.
"RAVEN"
Once upon a Midnight dreary
When of smoking I was weary
And I'd drank my pint of whisky
And was wishing there was more.
Suddenly there came a tapping,
Sounding like a female rapping,
Rapping like the very Devil,
Just without my chamber door.
'Tis some chip thought I that's wishing
To my room to gain admission,
Well I'll rise and let her enter,
Even if she be a whore,
Only this and nothing more
Then I oponed wide the portal,
And there stood such a mortal,
As in all my wildest fancies,
I had never seen before.
She had lost her upper garments,
And of all seductive varmints
She surely was the warmest baby
That woman ever bore.
And each palpitating bubby
Was so smooth and firm and chubby,
That my spirits rose within me,
As I went to close the door,
Just my spirits—nothing more.
And distinctly I remember,
'Twas the 14th of September,
'Twas the 15th when she left me,
When our little dream was o'er.
It was a dream without a sleeping,
With with sad reproach and weeping,
She showed me some red spots,
Made she told me by her hymen's gore.
Aye, the 14th of September
But more clearly I remember,
What I found upon the morning of Sept. 24.
Sequel to ten days before,
All that's left of what passed between us,
Is one one infected penis,
Drooping, sad and retrospective,
Pentinent and very sore.
And that penis never skipping,
Every morning, Dripping, Dripping,
Still is dripping, still is dripping.
Dripping on the bath room floor.
And I murmur vows forgotten,
Every time I change the cotton,
No more rapping, no more tapping,
Not for Uncle — never more.
THE REASON WHY
The dogs once held a meeting,
They came from far and near,
Some came in automobiles
With loud hurrah and cheers.
But before inside the hall,
They were allowed to take a look,
They had to take their ass-holes,
And hang them on a hook.
Then to the hall they went at once,
The Mother, Son and Sire
But hardly were they seated,
When some on hollered "Fire."
When out they ran all in a bunch,
They had no time to look,
And each one took at random,
An ass-hole from a hook.
They got their ass-holes all mixed up,
It made them awful sore,
To think they did not have the one
They always had before.
And that's the reason that you see
When you go down the street,
Each dog will stop to swap a smell
From every dog they meet.
And here's the reason that a dog
Will leave a nice fat bone
To go and smell an ass-hole
'Cause he hopes to find his own.
A good little girl once went to church and made the following:
prayer:
Holy Mother, I do believe, without sin thou didst conceive,
Holy Mother, thus believing, may I sin without conceiving?
The answer was:
Gentle maid, to thy conundrum, I say yes, but use a cundrum.
Shortly after she went again and prayed as follows:
Holy Mother, thee I trusted, but I conceived, the dam things
busted.
* *
IT'S UP TO YOU, GIRLS!
Have you noticed how the women, as along the street they pass,
Pull their dresses tight around them, so the men can see their "arse?"
And the men, the foxy devils, keep their eyes cocked every minute,
Sizing up the nice, plump "arses," wonderin' if there's something in it.
Some women have fine "ares" and 'tis right well they know it,
And most of them seem crazy for a chance so they can show it.
But they tell me now false "arses" are growing in demand,
So 'tis hard to tell the genuine from "arses" made by hand.
I was walking down Monroe St., behind an "arse" quite up to date.
And it kept me in a trance, begad, from Market clear to State:
Then out she went to take a car but her foot slipped on the track,
And part of her "arse" got twisted and slid half way up her back.
I'm
in favor of a curfew law and hope to hear it passes,
But there ought to be another law in regard to women's "arses;"
So we poor men won't be tempted, and let outside "arse" alone,
And attend to little "arses" that are waiting us at home.
All men have their own ideas of what an "arse" should be,
But a chunky, roly-poly "arse" is good enough for me.
For the slobbery "arse" and the flabby "arse" I have no use at all.
And the shiny, stuffed out ragged "arse" is the very worst of all.
But with their wigglin' and their wobblin,' sure they set a fellow crazy
And the man who would not chase one, has paresis or is lazy.
So, they have me like a pump-jack when behind them I am walkin',
With their teeterin' and their totterin', little "arses" don't be talkin!
* *
A traveling man, who made the small Southern towns, had, in
Amarillo, Texas, as a customer an old man about 70 years of age. He
and the old man were very friendly, and on one trip there the old
man told him he was going to be married to a young girl of 25. "You
see," the old man said, "my children are all married and I'm kind
of lonesome, and so I'm going to take this step. I don't care what
people say." The salesman congratulated the old man and wished
Mm much happiness. A few months later he made Amarillo on his
regular trip and coming into the store, he looked around for the old
man. "Where is your father?" he inquired of the son. "Why, didn't
you know Pop is dead?" "What! Dead? That sure is too bad.
When did he die?" "Oh, a month or so after he got married." "What
did he die of?" Arithmetites," answered the boy. "Thats a disease
I never heard of," answered the salesman. You mean appendicitis,
don't you?" "No, I don't," said the boy. "I mean arithmetites.
Trying to see how many times seventy would go into twenty-five."
* *
A Swedish chambermaid, who had been all things to all traveling
men, got married, and a few weeks later, meeting a friend of hers
was asked, "How you like married life, Hulda?" "Oh, it bane joost
fine, she said, "but it seems so funny to always bane doing it in bed
midoud any shoes on."
* * *
A man goes into a butcher shop and grocery store and asks for
some beef hearts. "I haven't any," answered the proprietor, "but I
got some beans. Take those; they'll be farts in the morning."
* *
A chap over in France asked a little French girl if he could kiss
her. "Wiz pleasure," she answered. As he kissed her he could not
help seeing her lovely little breasts, and said, "Gee, I'd like to kiss
your breasts." "Zat is alright wiz me," the girl said. While kissing
her breasts he said, "God, I would like to kiss your sweet little belly."
"Oui, ma cherie, go ahead." As he was kissing her on the last men-
tioned place, she broke wind, and he said: "Have patience, little
ass; your turn will come soon."
* *
Mutts meets Jeff and said: "Jeff, I'm going to the breadery."
"You mean, Mutt, you're going to the bakery." "No, I don't," was
the answer. "When I want bread I go to the breadery and when I
want grain I go to the granery." Jeff leaves him for awhile and
comes back all dolled. "Where are you going, Jeff?" asks Mutt.
"Oh, I'm going to the country."
MENU
Blue Points
Here's to the girl with tailor-made clothes
High heeled shoes and open work hose;
A new style hat, ten inches tall,
And her little pee-hole pays for it all. OH! PICKLE
* *
SOUP
Chicken a la Reine
There was a man named skinner,
Who took his girl out to dinner;
At half past nine they started to dine
And at ten o'clock, it was her.
THE SKINNER? NO
FISH
Red Snapper—Egg Sauce
Here's to the cut that never heals;
The more you rub it the better it feels.
You can rub it, you can scrub it, and pound it like hell,
But you can't get rid of that codfish smell.
OH YOU CODFISH!
* *
ROAST
Turkey—Cranberry Sauce
Here's to Astor, forty and past,
Who lived his life and lived it fast.
Here's to Miss Force, not quite twenty-four,
Who snuggles and snuggles and cries for more;
And' all he can do is buzz and buzz,
And tell what a hell-of-a-fellow he was.
ASTOR USES FORCE
* *
TO THE LADY IN BLACK
Here's to the lady who dresses in black,
Wears a neat-fitting corset that never looks slack, . .
And when she kisses, she kisses so sweet,
She makes things stand that never had feet.
* *
ENTREE
Filet of Beef with Mushrooms
They sailed down the stream a wizzen;
They both sat in the stern;
She had a hold of hisn,
And he had hold of hern. OH WHISKERS
* *
DESERT
Here's to the girl with the high-heeled shoes,
Who eats your dinner and drinks your booze;
Jollies you on and treats you right,
But sleeps with her mother every night.
STINGY THING
CHEESE, ICE CREAM AND BONBONS
If I had a girl that I could call mine,
I'd paint her titties with iodine,
And on her bellie I'd paint a sign—
Keep off the grass, this ass is mine.
THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
De next day was Xmas, the night it was still,
De stockings vas hung up, expecting deir fill.
Und noddings vas stirring at all in der house,
For fear dot St. Nikolas vould nix komm heraus.
Der children were tired und gone by der bed,
Und mudder in night cap and I in bare head.
Vas searching aroun in der closet for toys,
Ve crept around quiet und didn't make no noise.
Now, Mudders night gown vas all up by her face
Und her person exposed all der vay to her vaist.
Ven, as ve approached der crip of our boy,
Our sweetest and youngest, our pride and our joy,
His eyes vas vide open, he peeps through der slats,
Und he sees everything vich his Mudder did hat.
Und ven he did see all dem toys in her lap,
He asks her for vat is de little fur cap
Und his mudder says, sh, und den she laff outright,
Und say, I guess I giff dat to your fadder tonight.
* *
A man who visited a whorehouse was complaining to the madam:
"I've had every kind of treatment here. I've been screwed, sucked,
jerked, everything. I've tried every way. Haven't you got a new
thrill for me?" The madam thought hard for a while, then said,
Have you tried our radio girl?" "No, what' that? Who's that?"
the man asked in surprise. "Why, it's that girl over there," the
madam pointed. "You take her tits, put one
in each ear, and hear
her coming,"
* *
A sailor who had dropped into one of those Broadway dance
palaces was quite struck by one of the hostesses, and gave her a
great deal of attention. As they were dancing their last dance she
snuggled up to him and said, "Aren't you going to take me home?"
"Is there anything in it," asked the tar, brusquely. "Just a little
dust from dancing," she answered coyly.
* *
"Can you come out with the boys tonight? "No, my sister is
getting married tonight and I got to stay home and mind her baby."
* *
Two friends, one of them the owner of a car, used to go "chip-
py-cruising" every night. Invariably they picked up a couple of
girls who didn't care in whose car they rode. One of the friends
would mince no words. "C'mon, pick up your dress and we'll
screw," was the sum and substance of his conversation. One day
Ms friend could endure such grossness no longer. "Why are you
always talking of nothing but screwing?" he remonstrated. "Girls
don't like that. Make conversation, man. Tell them how beautiful
they look. Talk about their clothes, about shows, books, and the
like. Don't always talks cunt." "All right," said the first, "I'll
try out your system tonight, for a change." That evening they
again picked up two girls and the following dialogue took place
between the direct chap and his girl. "Have you seen the
Chauve
Souris?" he asked sweetly. "No," said the girl. "Neither have I,
said the fellow. "Let's fuck!" * *
A travelling man was riding through the country when his car
broke down near a farm house. The farmer saw his predicament
and, as it was just past noon, invited him to dinner. He accepted.
At the table one of the children broke wind. "Do you allow the
children to fart before you?" asked the traveller, with a frown. "We
haf no rules aboud it," the farmer answered. "Sometimes they fart
first, sometimes I do."
* *
"What's that, mam'selle?" the little boy questioned his gover-
ness, as he pointed at the penis of the elephont. The zoo's elephant
was busy pissing. "You mean ze trunk?" asked the lady. "No,"
said the boy, that thing danging down in the middle." "Oh, you
mean ze tail," the lady said. "No, no,'that that thing there," the
child insisted, pointing straight at it. "Oh, zat, zat is nothing," said
the governess. A Frenchman who was standing nearby tipped his
hat. "Mam'selle is blase," he said, lifting his eyebrows.
* *
"I think I'm married to a rabbit," complained a woman la
North Dakota to her lawyer. "He no sooner mounts me than he
shoots his load and is through. I can get no satisfaction out of
him, and I want a divorce." Before the lawyer took the case he
desired to look up the law on the subject, so he asked the woman to
return the next day and he would advise her. When she came in he
said: "Madam, I have carefully looked up the law in your case, and
am sorry to say there's nothing you can do about it. In this state,
when the man is through, the woman is fucked."
Willie caught a squirrel and brought it to school. But the
nervous little beast escaped him, and ran frantically about the
room looking for a place of escape. It found nothing better than the
dark recesses under the skirt of the teacher. "Willie, Willie," she
shrieked in terror, "Get it out, get it out!" "Oh, don't worry
teacher, teacher. When he finds out there's no nuts up there, he'll
come out all right." * *
The girl's father came into the parlor and found a young man
there. "What are you doing here?" he asked sternly. "I'm going
to marry your daughter," the youth said. "What! A bum like you?
Never!" The youth seized him by the nose and twisted it. "I will
marry your daughter," he said. The old man snuffed once or twice,
then said with determination: "You'll have to. Sit down."
* *
"Id like very much to get in the chorus," a young girl said to
the director. "I'd like to get you in," he replied. "But you're not
developed enough." Yielding at last, however, to her tears and
pleading, he said, "Go down to the property man and tell him to
give you a false bust." In a little while she reappeared, with a
pair of enormous breasts on. "Good Christ!" the director ejaculated
"That damn fool didn't give you a bust. That's Falstaff's ass you've
got on."
* *
A city doctor and a country doctor once exchanged offices, the
city doctor yearning for a rest, the country doctor seeking further
experience. The country doctor's practice was small, although his
town was near the site of the summer camp a large department
store maintains for its women employees. The two doctors met in
September to exchange experiences. "I guess you haven't had much
to do in my district." the country doctor said. "Indeed I have," said
the city doctor. "You'd be surprised how many carrots and cucum-
bers I've had to extract from the vaginas of those city girls at the
camp.
* *
A young student was undressing in his bedroom, when he dis-
covered, you may imagine with what joy, that a girl just across the
alley was also undressing. They reached a state of nudity together,
and then she noticed him. He motioned her to join him, but she
shook her head. The young man raised his window a trifle, and she
hers. "Come on over," he whispered. "How?" the girl asked. "Walk
over on this," the youth said, laying his stiff prick on the sill. "Yes,"
said the cautious girl, "But how'll I get back?"
* *
One of the most popular of the many Lincoln stories is con-
cerned with the visit to the Emancipator of a man named Bates, who
brought his family. Permit me, Mr. President," he began, "to in-
troduce my wife, Mrs. Bates, and my daughter, Miss Bates. My
young son, Master Bates." "Make him stop it, "Make him stop it,
said Lincoln. "It's a bad habit."
* *
Mable, and Jack came in late one Saturday night from "Tex's."
They had had a little tiff" early in the evening, and its effect still
lingered. Jack was good-humored, and had not taken the disagree-
ment seriously. Mable, however, still persisted in remaining cold.
Getting far over on her side of the bed, she settled herself at once
for sleep. Jack, as was his custom, adjusted his lamp and began his
bed-time reading. He had been reading quietly for some time when
she felt his hand on her belly, then on her hip, then on her groin.
But when his fingers were dagerously near her placket she turned
on him suddenly and glared angrily. "Oh, don't worry, heart's de-
light. I was only going to wet my finger to turn the page."
* *
The twins were having a bath and both parents watched, fondly.
Suddenly Mary began to cry. "Mamma," I want one of those things
that's hanging from Bobby," pointing to his little pecker. . "Quiet,
now, quiet," mother said. "If you're a good little girl you'll get
one of them." And if you're a bad little girl," said father you'll
get a lot of them."
The waitress leaned over the table and asked the diners what
they would like for dessert. One ordered one dessert, another some-
thing else. "I'll take raisin pie," said Jones. "And you?" asked the
waitress, leaning over the table to the last one. He caught one
glimpse of her well-developed, white breasts, and said, "Mine's rais-
in' too."
* *
One of Ford's stockholders had a dream one night in which
Henry presented himself at the gates of Heaven and St. Peter asked
him why he sought admission. "Because I produced a machine,"
said Ford, which gave great pleasure to most human beings." A
loud fart from within the gates greeted this statement. Ford looked
up in anger and asked who had saluted him thus. "Me," said a voice,
"Adam. I'm the guy that invented the machine that gives the great-
est pleasure to the saps down below. I invented woman." "Well,
maybe you're right," said the deceased Detroiter, in his dream, "But
you certainly know nothing about mechanical principles. For one
thing you put the exhaust too near the intake!"
* *
Si came to New York armed with an address which a travelling
man had given him and the admonition to 'ask for Singer and say
Jack sent you.' Everything went well, and Si spent a delirious night.
Next day he was walking down lower Broadway, when to his surprise
he saw the magazine name Singer on a store window, with some
sewing machines on exhibition. "Jack sent me," beamed Si as he
entered. The girl smiled at him and said, "Would you like one?"
"You bet, How much?" asked Si. "Well, some are eighty dollars,
some sixty-five, and the cheapest are fifty." "Go on," objected Si,
"what are you trying to do. I got one last night for twenty dollars.
"Oh," said the girl, "that's the kind you screw on a table." "No,
ma'am," insisted Si, "I screwed this one in bed!"
* *
Every Sunday morning when the auld folks had gone to the
kirk Annie would be visited by her lover, Jock, and they would sieze
the service hours as opportunity for screwing. One bright Sabbath
day Jock arrived just after the auld folks had departed, and whist-
ling a bonnie air leaped up the steps three at a time to Annie's bed-
room. The lass was removing her waist when Jock bust in, puffing
the final bars of Annie Laurie. His sweetheart gave him a disap-
proving look. Jock apparently didn't notice this, for, putting his
arms around Annie he began another tune. The lass tore herself
from his arms and began to redress. "Why, what is it, Annie?"
asked Jock. "Have I done aught to offend ye?" "Stop it, stop it,"
said the girl. "Ye were whistlin' an' I will no fornicate wi' a man
who whistles on the Sabbath!"
. * *
Two fellows who hadn't seen each other in some time met one
day and one asked the other what he was doing. "Oh, me, I'm a
lion tamer," he said. "What do you mean, a lion tamer?" chaffed
the other. "Well, you see," said the friend," I go into the lion's cage
with a whip, and when I swing it to the right, the lion rolls over
on his right side, and when I swing it to the left, he rolls over on
his left side." "Suppose you whip it straight down in front?" asked
the other? "Gosh, you don't do that, because then the lion leaps
right at you!" "What do you do in a case like that?" "Why then
the only thing to do is to put your hand down inside your trousers,
grab a lump of shit and fling it in his face." "Huh! Where will
you get the shit?" "Don't worry, it'll be there, it'll be there."
* *
A whore, travelling for her health, stopped at a little town in
the west. Her calling soon became known, and she was receiving
visits from the men of the town, young and old, married and single.
So keen was the ardor of her admirers that they visited her again
and again. In fact she had completely demoralized the town. Final-
ly the elders of the church met and determined to put a stop to the
young woman's operation by forcing her out of town. The chief of
police was on his vacation, the mayor would not act in the matter,
and so it devolved on the elders. A committee of three called on
the girl. "We must approach her gently," said the deacon, "and
persuade her to leave without a scandal." But when they got to her
house he again said, "Let us not alarm her by a show of force. You
gentlemen wait down here and I'll go up and speak to her." . . .
Which was done. But the moments turned into minutes, and then
an hour, and still the deacon had not come down. The two who waited
for him began to grumble. One was a butcher, the other a cloth-
ing merchant, and they both had business to attend, without waiting
for the deacon. They discussed it between them and the butcher
left, the other deciding to wait. After another half-hour down came
the deacon. "There is nothing for us to do here," he said shaking
his head, "This young woman has been grossly maligned. In the
short talk I had with her I found her to be, not a bawd, but a most
cultured girl. We have no right to force her to leave town." "All
right," said the other wearily, "if that is your opinion, button your
pants and let's go.
A farmer once wrote to Sears Roebuck & Company to ask for
the price of toilet paper. He received an answer directing him to
look on page 507 of their catalogue. "If I had your catalogue," he
wrote back, "would I ask you for the price of toilet paper?"
* *
A young man was playing with his sweetheart and tried to slip
Ms hand under her skirts. "Please don't," she said. "My Mother
made me promise never to let a fellow put his hand under her skirts.
But if you'll put your hand down my back, it's the second hole you
come to!"
* *
Mrs. Malone and her husband were always quarreling. It got
on the nerves not only of themselves, but of the neighbors. One of
these finally expostulated with Mrs. Malone. "Trate the man nice,
she said. "Whin he comes home bring him his slippers, light his
pipe fer him, wear a niglijay and sit on his lap. Make the ould man
comfy." Mrs. Malone determined to try it. So that evening when
Pat came hime he was greeted like a lover by his mistress. Mrs. Ma-
lone had turned the light low, and was in a transparent flimsy. She
threw her arms about his neck and kissed him lusciously. Leading
him to a soft chair she brought his slippers, filled his pipe and lit
it for him. Then she cuddled up on his lap and began to fondle
him. "Let's go to bed, dearie?" she whispered sweetly. "We might
as well," said Pat. "I'll get hell when I get home anway."
* *
A chap who had his girl out for a ride in his Ford, stopped for a
moment to get a package of cigarettes, but left the engine running.
The gentle vigration of the machine set up a sympathetic trembling
in the young woman. When her beau came out she called to him
passionately, "K-k-iss m-me! Charlie, I'm coming."
* *
Walters was very fond of his daughter, who was very pretty and
just turning five years old, so, while his wife was away, he gave a
bachelor party to some of his cronies, in order that they might see
who smart his young offspring was. It must be admitted, however, that
most of his cronies came, not to see the daughter, but the pretty
governess. They wondered why the Missus had left the slow, old
Walters alone with the governess, who was quite "easy" to look
upon. If their curiosity had been great, their envy as greater when
they gave the governess the once over. She was a "pip." When
she came in with the child it ran to one of the guests and started
prattling. "Me slept with Daddy last night," she said. "That's hot
right," said the governess. "You mean, 'I slept with Daddy.'"
Then a faint dash of color came to her cheeks, and the cronies won-
dered, as they went home, whether Walters was really as slow as
they took him to be.
* *
"I had a funny dream last night," said a woman to her husband.
"I dreamt that I was in a huge auction room and they were auction-
ing off cocks. John Barrymore's brought five thousand dollars. Lou
Tellegen's brought the same. Lowell Sherman's brought two thou-
sand and so on, down the line." "Is that so?" her husband asked,"
what did cocks like mine bring?" Oh, they were sold in lots, at a
dollar a lot." "Well, I had a dream last night, too," said the man.
"But I dreamed of cunts. They were auctioning them off in a huge
place too, and Cleopatra's brought fifteen thousand dollars. That of
Helen of Troy went for thirteen thousand. That of Follies' girls
brought a thousand apiece and so on, down the line." "What did
cunts like mine bring?" he wife demanded. "Oh," said her hus-
band, "that's where they held the auction."
Jack had only had his cozy, new car a few days when he drove
into his garage and ordered that it be re-decorated, and the word
"Mayflower" painted, in elaborate letters, on both sides of the hood.
"Don't be crazy," said his friend, who prided himself on the sound-
ness of his feeling for the fitness of things, especially in respect to
automobiles. "That's a brand-new Buick, what you want to paint
it up like a boat for?" "Well, Bill tell you. I simply got to com-
memorate. Last night a puritan came across in it."
* *
An old rake, determined to marry an innocent girl, went to
a convent to select the choice of his heart. He found there an ad-
■
mirable young woman whom he readily persuaded to come with him.
He took her about the city, to show her the sights, and immediately
after the marriage ceremony, accompanied him to his hotel. As
they sat in the lobby a number of beautiful women, unescorted,
passed before them. "Why are those women alone?" asked the girl.
"And how is it they are dressed so much better than I am?" "Why
those are fast women," said the rake. "What's a fast woman?"
asked the girl. Pleased, the rake told his young bride that a fast
woman was one who received fifty or a hundred dollars a night for
sleeping with a man. "They get all that money?" the girl queried,
amazed. "Why, the priests only gave us an apple."
* *
A henpecked husband begged off one evening to go to a stag
party. There would be only men there, he pleaded, so his wife
needn't be jealous. But to his horror, when he arrived he found four
naked women dancing. He called up his wife immediately. "Un-
intentionally, dearest, I told you a lie," he said. "I thought there
would be only men here, but now naked girls are dancing about.
What shall I do?" "If you think you can do anything, come right
home," said his wife.
* *
"It's been a very bad season, hasn't it?" said one actor to an-
other. "Yep. Outside the Friars' Club they're picking up condoms
with patches and laundry marks on 'em."
* *
A distinguished Shakespearean actor and an eminent English
critic were at lunch together in a London club, when the conversa-
tion, as was natural, turned to the Bard of Avon. "Tell me," asked
the critic of the actor, "is it your opinion that Shakespeare intended
us to understand that Hamlet screwed Ophelia?" "I don't know
what Shakespeare intended," said the tragedian. "Anyway, I al-
ways do." *
*
They were celebrating their golden wedding anniversary and the
old man, in a brave and debonair moment decided he would give his
wife a lasting proof of his affection. When they were alone at last,
and in bed, he intimated to her that he would again attempt to sat-
isfy her, with somewhat the vigor of his youth. As she lay before
him invitingly, more or less, he attempted to induce an erection. In
vain he thought of Jessie Reed, Eva Brady, and other passion-pro-
voking Follies beauties. In vain he manipulated his withered organ.
He might be interested, but the man below was not. At last he
shook his head sorrowfully and said, "Fifty years ago, Becky, you
was ashamed. Tonight, I'm ashamed."
The waitress in a one-armed beanery determined to have some
fun with a patron whose custom it was to study the menu carefully
every day, and then order ham and eggs. So one day she drew a
line through his favorite dish, and when he pored over the card she
said to him "Did you notice, sir, I scratched something you like?"
Without looking up the customer replied, "Go wash your hands and
bring me some ham and eggs."
All the dinner guests were assembled, having given up expect-
ing Dr. Blank, a well known surgeon, who was late, to say the least.
However, he arrived at just that moment, breathless. Making his
apologies to the hostess he explained that he had been hurriedly sum-
moned to the hospital to perform an operation. Instantly the guests
were eager to learn what the operation was, et cetera, et cetera. But
the surgeon said the subject was a delicate one, what with the pres-
ence of so many ladies. This objection was quickly over-ruled by
the ladies themselves, who pointed out that since all present were
married folk there should be no undue modesty. "Well, then", said
the doctor, "we cut through the penis of the patient, who was suffer-
ing from . . . " "Pardon me," interrupted the hostess, "did you have
to saw through the bone?" As one person the assembled company
rose and bowed elaborately to the host!
* *
A man accompanied a whore to her flat one night, and as she
slipped into bed he asked her how much she charged. "Five dollars,"
she said. "Well," said the man, "if you'll keep both hands on the
cheeks of my arse while I'm fucking you, all the time, mind you, I'll
give you two dollars extra." Wondering at this vagary, the whore
complied. Finished the man pulled up his trousers and prepared to
pay her. "Would you mind telling me," said the woman, "just what
thrill you get out of my holding my hands that way." "I don't
get any thrill," said the man, as he drew out a hugh roll of bills,
"I get safety. For two bucks I know your hands are on my arse,
not in my pockets."
* *
The Owl Drug Store in San Francisco have a system by which
any customer dissatisfied with his purchase may exchange it. Re-
cently a negress came into one of the stores and asked, for Mr. Owl.
The manager, not wishing to embarras her, said that "Mr. Owl" was
out to lunch, couldn't he, the manager, do something. "Yes," said
the colored girl. "Your sign says you changes anything if the cus-
tomer ain't satisfied. Well I ain't, and I want you to change this
whirlin' douche spray I bought last year for a couple of bottles of
Mellin's baby food!"
The pastor of the Baptist church in a little Indiana town was
speaking a few words on proper conduct to the Sunday school. "Now,
children, before I close the lesson, I want to ask you a few questions
on the things I have been talking about. Willie," he said to a model
little boy in the front row, "tell me, do you know where little boys
and girls go when they do bad things?" "Sure," piped up the town
terror, whose name also was Willie, and who had for the first time
been lured into the church. "Back of the churchyard.
* *
It was a foggy morning, and the fishing smacks off Gloucester
nosed their way out of the harbor. Suddenly a sailor in one hailed
another: "Hello, John, I have news for ye." "What is it?" "Wife
had a baby, a boy." "What'd he weigh?" the other voice called.
"Four pounds," came the reply, thru the fog. "Hell, you hardly got
your bait back!"
A beautiful brunette was delivered of a fine-looking baby in a
maternity hospital, only,—the infant had red hair. "Ah," said the
doctor, smiling, "father red-heated?" "I don't know," said the bru-
nette. "He kept his hat on."
* *
From his vantage point in the upper berth the travelling man
was watching a lady in the berth below prepare for rest. First she
unscrewed a pair of false breasts. Then she removed a wig. Next
she unscrewed a false eye, and was in the midst of unscrewing an
artificial limb when she spied the peeper. "What are you looking
at?" she shrilled. "What do you want?" "You know damn well
what I want," was the reply. "Unscrew it and throw it up here."
Two married men met on the street. One, a timorous fellow,
said to the other, "Do you cheat?" "Sure," was the reply. The shy
one looked at his friend with envy. "Don't your conscience bother
you," he asked. "Yes, for nine days. After that if everything is
all right . . . ."
After having been stared at for some five minutes, the pretty
young woman went up to the fresh man and said, "What are you
looking at me like that for?" "Well, Miss," said he "if I had a cock
eye you'd be the mother of four children by now."
* *
A notorious whore suddenly got religion and became a Salvation
Army convert. At an experience meeting she was relating the de-
tails of her conversion, while her former crony sat in the auditorium
and listened. "Before I saw the light," said the glorified whore,
"I layed in the arms of many men. I layed in the arms of sailors,
soldiers, civilians, doctors, merchants, lawyers. But now, my friends,
that I have lain in the arm of Jesus ..." "That's right, kid," her
friend interrupted. "Fuck 'em all!"
The train came to a halt with a sudden jar. Two men sprang
into the aisles, one tall man, the other short. Both brandished guns.
"Hands up everybody." yelled the tall man. "You men line up on
this side, women on the other. Now we ain't going to hurt nobody
that behaves. Gents, shell out your dough and jewelry. All the men
are going to be robbed and then we'll fuck all the women." "Easy
now, easy," protested the smaller robber, "never mind that last.
We'll just cop the dough and beat it." "You mind your own busi-
ness," spoke up an old maid. "Who's robbing this train, I'd like to
know."
* *
Senator Hoare of Massachusetts was one day delivering a long
speech against a certain bill for which Senator Roscoe Conkling stood
sponsor. As he outlined his points against the bill Senator Hoare
kept first his right hand, and then his left in his trousers' pockets.
Senator Conkling, who was a noted wit, rose to remark that "the
Senator from Massachusetts seems to be leaving no stone unturned
to prevent the passage of his bill."
The judge looked down on the prisoner with a fierce frown. The
had committed a heinous crime. He had been caught in the act
of screwing his wife, who had been dead several hours. "Before I
pronounce sentence on you," the judge said, "will you tell me, for
my own information, what prompted you to do this deed?" "Honest
Judge " said the defendant, "I didn't know she was dead. She's
been like that for the last twelve years."
A swell girl was one day picked up by a certain handsome actor,
who accompanied her to her apartment. There, with scant formality,
she undressed and the actor screwed her. When they were dressing
again, he said to her, as a matter of courtesy, "Isn't there anything
I can do for you? Do you need some money?" "Why, no," said the
girl. "When I like a man I don't take money from him. But, if
you have a pocket knife you might leave me that as a souvenir." The
actor gladly gave her his knife. She tossed it into a drawer which
he noticed was almost filled with knives of all descriptions. "That's
a strange passion," said the actor. "Would you mind telling me
why you collect, knives, of all things." "Well, you know," said the
girl, "right now I'm young and not bad to look at. But I'm pro-
viding for the future. When I get old and none of my friends will
want to give me a tumble I'll still have these knives. And you know
what a boy'll do for a penknife."
* *
A couple of young girls stopped in front of a fruit stand and
asked the Italian how much the bananas cost. "Fi' cents each, three
for ten," he said. "Dear, ain't they?" commented one. "Oh, well,
'sall right, give us three. We can always eat the other one."
* *
An American who was attending a banquet in a London house
given by Lady Brighton, felt quite embarrassed when the lady broke
wind. One of the Englishmen rose immediately, said, "I beg your
pardon," and sat down again. Once more the lady farted and an-
other English guest rose and apologized. "What's the idea?" asked
the American of his neighbor. "Why don't you know? That's the
gentlemanly thing to do," said the other. Again her ladyship let
go, but this time the American rose, restraining another Englishman
who was about to get up. "I beg your pardon, sir," he said, "but this
one is no me."
* *
Seeing how successful Nick, his Greek friend, was with Say
it With Flowers, Tony who had a fruit stand, adapted it to the tren-
chant Do it With Bananas.
* *
Teacher had asked her pupils to make rhyming verses of two
lines each. Many elegant specimens were submitted, until little
Johnny rose and offered:
"May Jane McKane, of Boston, Mass.
Went into the water up to her ankle."
"Why that doesn't rhyme," said the teacher. "It will," said Johnny,
"when the tides comes in."
Pat was excessively profane over the telephone and the girls
had made many complaints against him. One day, exasperated over
a succession of wrong numbers, he began to cuss out the girl. "Stop
that," she said, "or I'll have to have your phone removed." "Oh,
stick it up your ass," said Pat. Next day two men came from the
company, and were about to take away the instrument, when Pat
asked if he could square matters by apologizing to the girl. They
said he could, and he took down the receiver. "Girlie," he said,"
I'm sorry. You know what I said yesterday, you could stick the
phone up your ass?" "Yes," said she icily. "Well," floundered
Pat, "There's two men to take it out."
"How did you get that black eye?" "I was calling on a gal last
night, and we were in her parlor dancing, while the victrola was
playing, and her old man came in, and the bastard is deaf."
A diner in the Hunting Room at the Astor who had need to go
to the lavatory, was greatly disturbed to discover therein a man in
evening dress, masturbating himself with great vigor. "Here, here,"
he expostulated, "what are you doing, man!" "Don't interrupt me,"
said the other, "I'm a Christian Scientists, and I'm screwing a girl
in Toledo." * *
A gentleman from Idaho was in Paris and didn't want to make
himself too conspicuous. So he asked a cabby to give him the
address of a good whore-house. He went there by himself, quietly,
asked for a private room, and, after selecting his partner, ordered
dinner with lots of wine. After the man entertained himself in
various ways with his playmate, who taught him positions of which
even Elephantis, Aretino and Louisa Sigea were ignorant. Thor-
oughly drained, the gentleman from Idaho went downstairs, where
he asked the madam what his bill was. "There is no charge," said
the lady of the house. Astonished, but not disposed to argue the
matter, her guest left. All next day he hugged his secret to him-
self. He could barely wait till dinner time before he again pre-
sented himself before the bands. Again he went through his per-
formance, but this time, when he made a bluff at paying the piper
he was informed the charges were seven hundred francs. "What!"
he shrieked. "Wasn't I here last evening, and didn't I go through
every kind of screw, and you didn't charge me a sou?" "Mai oui,
said the madam, "but last night was for the movies."
* * *
Several scientists were discussing prostitution, the customs eso-
teric and indigenous to its pursuit. Said one: "It must be exceed-
ingly dissatisfying to a person of intelligence to observe the simula-
tion of passion which a hardened prostitute offers to her patron. I
have often wondered whether there might not be some auto erotic
means of inducing a real passion with each customer." The college
janitor, who was standing nearby interrupted: "You mean you
want to know how to get a whore hot?" "Yes," said the professor.
"To get a whore hot, real hot," said the janitor, "Fuck her and don't
pay her!"
* *
In France a condom is known as capote Anglaise, or "English
cap." A gentleman once went into a French shop, intending to pur-
chase a dark cap, to wear in mourning for his wife, who recently
died. He knew the French word for cap was capote, so he asked
*
for that. Several were shown him, but he wanted one English style,
so he asked for a capote Anglaise. The clerk sent him to the drug
department, where he repeated his request to the lady clerk. She
arched her brows and asked him what color he wanted. "My wife
has just died," he answered," so I want a black one." "Such deli-
cacy!" said the clerk.
The president of a large life insurance company was speaking at
a company dinner. He had been speaking over two hours, and it was
near midnight. Yet none of his employees had dared leave the room.
There was a long list of speakers to follow, and these impatiently
waited for the president to stop speaking. But he just rambled on,
saying nothing at great length. Finally, however, he sat down, after
introducing the next speaker, a visiting English insurance man. The
latter rose and said: "The hour has grown so late, gentlemen, that
I will not deliver my speech, but will instead tell you a little story:
A wee bird was flying about one day, when it suddenly began to
rain. The down-pour drenched the bird and it fell to earth, where
the rain beat on it ceaselessly. Finally, towards noon the sun came
out and warmed the little bird, so that it beat its wings and flut-
tered about. A horse passed by and dropped some breakfast for
the wee bird, and it ate, and it ate till it could eat no more. Then
straight into the air flew the wee bird, and, in good spirits, began
to chirp. And it chirped and it chirped till a hawk, flying high in
the sky, heard it, and swooping down on the little bird, gobbled it
up. "And the moral of this little story," concluded the Englishman,
to the president's discomfiture, "is, that when you're full of horse-
shit, don't chirp too much!"
* *
A couple of bookmakers, standing in front of the Hotel Astor
turned to look after a "Follies" girl who passed. "Gee," said one,
"I feel like screwing that dame again." "What!" said the other,
"you mean to tell me you screwed that swell dame?" "No," was
the answer, "but once before I felt like it."
* *
Jones brought home a parrot which he said he had bought at
auction, and which was supposed to be a wonderful bird. But for
over two months neither Jones nor his wife, who had at first ob-
jected to Polly, could make the pet talk. They tried everything
from "Polly wants a cracker," to "Hello, Polly, pretty Polly" but
with no results. They concluded the bird was deaf and dumb. One
afternoon, while the head of the house was in his office Mrs. Jones
invited the ladies of the sewing circle to her home. One of them
interrupted the gossip to state that she had secured a fine pair of
hose at Gimbles, and lifted her skirt to show them. Another showed
a marvelous corset she had purchased at Bests. A third showed a
neat silk petticoat. Mrs. Jones lifted her skirt and said: "Look
at these wonderful bloomers, all silk, that I bought at Altmans."
The parrot, who had cocked his head from one to the other of the
ladies now chirped up: "Ah, home at last. One of you whores give
me a cigarette."
On a lonely road, far from any town, the traveller's car sud-
dently stopped dead. A quick examination showed him there was no
gasoline left in the tank. Night had fallen and he made his way
towards a light in a house some distance away. A knock on the door
brought a beautiful woman in answer. "Pardon me, madam," said
the tourist, "but my car has broken down. I wonder if you couldn't
put me up for the night here?" "Well," said the lady, "I'm all
alone, but I guess I'll take a chance." And she escorted him to a
neat little room on the next floor. As he prepared himself for bed
the motorist couldn't help thinking how much more pleasant it would
be if the young woman would come into bed with him. It would
lie
a beastly way to repay her hospitality, he thought, to make any ad-
vances, but he could not keep from thinking of her beautiful form,
neatly outlined in the flimsy wrapper she wore. Finally, with a
sigh, he crawled into bed. But he could not sleep. He found him-
self still thinking of the fair and lonely lady . Gradually the sheets
assumed the form of a tent above him. There was a sudden, soft tap
at his door. "Come in," he shouted, glee in his voice. A smiling
face showed itself in the doorway, a golden, smiling, warm, inviting
countenance. "Would you like company?" the young lady said,
sweetly, softly. "Would I?" the guest shouted, "You just bet your
life I would." "That's fine," the lady replied. "You see another
gentleman whose car broke down is at the door and wants me to
put him up."
A New Yorker once boasted that a friend of his was endowed
with a wonderous sense of smell. Just one sniff at an object, in the
dark, and he could tell what it was. So it was decided that his
powers be put to the test and an assortment of twigs was brought
to a room, in which was the wizard, blindfolded. One of the twigs
was held under his nose for an instant. "Pine," said the man with
the keen sense of smell. Another twig he guessed to be birch,
another oak, another hickory and so on, all correctly. One of the
invited company, further to test the powers of this gifted nose
then held under it his middle finger, which had just come from an
exploration of a maid's private parts. "Hollywood," the wizard
guessed.
* *
Mrs. Leech, the proprietor of a large whore-house in Chicago,
needed a loan of three thousand dollars. She desired to make some
improvements on her already elaborate establishment, improvements
which were to contribute to the convenience and comfort of her
guests since they were necessary to greater efficiency and higher
profits. But when she approached her banker for the money he
hesitated. Whereupon she delivered an harangue to the effect that
he knew as well as she that her credit was as good as that of any-
body he had on his books, and that just because she employed all
female labor was no reason why her money—et cetera, et cetera.
Her tongue won the day, and the banker asked her on what terms she
would make re-payment. "I'll pay you the first thousand at the end
of thirty days, the second thousand at the end of sixty, and the third
thousand at the end of ninety." "That's all right, Mrs. Leech. But
I thought you needed the money longer. As long as we are grant-
ing the loan we can give you more time. Only don't pledge your-
self to what you may not be able to do." "Sure I can do it. Don't
we have the Elks' convention in three weeks, the Odd Fellows' next
month, and the Shriners' the month after?" So the loan was ar-
ranged, and madame made her repairs. But at the end of thirty
days she came in with the entire three thousand dollars. "Why, Mrs.
Leech," said the banker, "You have time. How does it happen that
you bring it all in so soon?" "You know, Billy, I plum forgot this
was the month of the Eucharistic congress."
* *
One of those benign lady settlement workers stopped a hard-
looking youngster and asked where his father was. "Ain't got no
father," said the kid. "And your mother?" "Aint got no matter."
"Ah, too bad. When did she pass away?" "I never had no mother."
"Then how were you born?" the lady settlement worker asked in
dulcet tones. "Some damn guerilla knocked up my aunt!"
* *
The following titles are suggested as collaterial reading of es-
pecially pertinent significance to American students:
The Great Rubber Failure Iva Child
A Girl's Anxiety R. U. Cumming
(Also attributed to Mr. Period)
Shepherd's Delight A. Ramsbottom
The Shiek's Demand Musthapaa Boy
Hubby's Delight Mike Hunt
At the Twelfth Time John Henry Bent
The Contented Wife John Thomas Everhard
The Dawn of Love Holden Hizcock
The Easiest Way Eileen Back
The Hungry Lover E. Nawder Titsoff
The Optional Route R. Sole
Limitation of Offspring Dr. Kutcha Kockoff
The Happy Honeymoon Maud Fitzerald and
Gerald Fitzmaud
A large Westerner, who, troubled by a horny feeling which he
had no immediate prospect of relieving, went to a pharmacist to
get something for it, in the way of a bromide. He was somewhat
embarrassed when he found a woman in attendance. "Pardon me,"
he said, "but I'd like to see the boss." "Why, I'm the boss," said
the woman. "Well then, a-er, man clerk," said the Westerner. "We
haven't any," the owner replied, "you tell me what you want. I
won't be embarrassed." "Well," said the stranger, "I've got an
awful hard on. What can you
give me for it?" "Just a minute,"
said the woman, and went to the back of the drug store. In a few
minutes she returned. "I've just been talking to my sister, who
makes up the prescriptions, and who is my partner in this store,"
she said," and the best we can give you is the store and two hundred
dollars."
NIGGER STUFF
Visiting the negro quarter of Chicago, a travelling man accosted
a neat looking wench and asked her what she charged. "My charges,"
said the girl, "is one dollar, and two, or five dollars." "Why the
different prices?" The horny stranger asked. "Well," said the
negress, "for one dollar you gets a straight fuck. For five dollars,
ah makes a perfect fool of mahself."
* *
Mandy:—Ah'd like a little vacation, Missus. Ah wants to go
home arid see man chillun.
Mistress:—Well, Mandy, I didn't know you were married.
Mandy:—Ah ain't, Missus. But ah ain't been neglected.
A colored lady came into Gimble's Department Store the other
day and asked for a pair of drawers. "How do you want them to
button?" the clerk asked, "Front or side?" "Doan make no differ-
ence," the negress replied, "these yere is fer a corpse."
* *
A darky entered a drug-store jubilantly. "Boss," he said "ah's
gettin' married tonight. Gimme ten cents worf ob vaseline. Next
day he came in, contritely. "Pahdon me, boss," he hesitated, "But
could you all change that vaseline fo' me to alum?"
* *
Before the races Alexander took his girl around to the stables to
look over the horses to see if they couldn't pick a winner. The first
stall they looked into was that of a young stallion with a good record.
The beast was in fine fettle, evidently, the way he was waving the
distinguished mark of his horsehood. Pearl considered it a while
with sufficient interest. Then drawing her coon away, she said, "Don't
bet on him, Alec. Dat hoss dere ain't gonna win. He ain't got his
mind on his business.
* *
"GOOD-BY, PARSON."
Because of a disagreement with the Ladies' Aid Society, Rev-
erend Johnston, of the African Methodist Church, had been asked
to resign.
His Farewell address was, in part, as follows:—
Brethern and Sisters: I received your request for my resigna-
tion, which I accept and I shall leave you all with no regrets what-
ever. I shall not say goodby, nor shall I say farewell, because those
words do not express my feelings. Neither shall I say "au revoir,"
but I simply want to call the attention of each and every niggah
here' to the small bunch of Mistletoe pined to my coat tail, as I
passed down the aisle. AMEN.
Liza was large, and colored, and took in washing. One of her
numerous beaus one day asked her: "How come you got such big
hands, Lize?" "Why man," Liza replied, "when I was a chile I used
to make mud pies, and the mud squashed out my hands like that."
"Well, then, how come you got such big feet?" her swain enquired.
"Why that was from walkin' barefoot in the mud," Liza answered.
Her sweetie smiled, and asked: "Sister, did you ever sit in the mud?"
A lady traveling with her little boy on a sleeper had a lower berth
and the little boy an upper berth opposite her. She cautioned him, in
case he had get up in the night and go to the toilet, not to disturb-
any one, if possible. In he night, the little fellow had to get up and
before climbing back in his upper berth, he parted the curtains of his
mother's berth and spoke to her. He told her that in getting down
from his upper, he stepped on a man's back. "Did he say anything?"
asked the mother. "No," replied the lad, "but a woman's voice said
'Oh,Boy.'"
Two men were walking along the street and suddenly saw a
very bow legged man coming along. One turns to the other and
says, I suppose you would say, that chap was bow legged. Yes, he
said, I would. What do you think Shakespeare would have said in
his time if he had seen him. I don't know, answered the other, what
would he have said. What Ho, what strange individuals are these,
who come with their balls in parentheses.
* *
An old chorus girl, who had been a beauty in her day, but who
had dissipation lost her looks and shape and was old and fat, went
to a friend of her's who was a Doctor and told him she wanted to
commit suicide, and what was the best way. He told her the easiest
was to shoot herself through the heart. Right where the nipple is.
The next day she was found dead with a hole in her knee.
* *
A chap takes a girl home and stays a long time in the vestibule.
Coming down and jumping into the Taxi, he suddenly tells the Taxi
driver, for God's sake drive to a doctor. I am all bent double and
can't straighten up. Coming into the doctor's office, he tells the
doctor what the trouble is and the doctor says, no wonder, you can't
straighten up. Your pants button is buttoned to your vest.
* *
A girl looks into a fellow's eyes and says, God, dear I can see
the love light in your eyes. Hell, No, kid, he answers, that's the tail
light you see.
* * *
A little Kike meets a girl on the train going to California. He
had the upper berth and she the lower under him. He invited her to
dinner and they get pretty chummy and he says to her. Say girlie,
how about it to-night. I'd like to get into your berth with you. It
would be O.K. with me, she says, only I have my monthlys and so
there's nothing doing. He goes to bed and after he is in his upper
he hears a rapping from below. What do you want? he asks. Come
down here and chew the rag a while, she says. Say he says, what do
you think I am, a blood hound?
Mandy Lee meets her friend Liza and says, Chile, de odder
night I was out wid de honesest Nigger I ebber saw. He said to me,
Mandy, just let me put him in 2 inches, dats all, I promise you, no
moh and you know, Liza, dats all he did. De next night I done go
out wid him again and he said, Mandy, let me put him in just four
inches, I promise, no moh, and dats all he did. He sure was a honest
Niggah. And the third time, night foh last, I was out wid him agin
and he says, Mandy, done let me put him in just six inch, I promises
you, no moh and sure nuff dats all dat niggah did. Look, yeah,
Mandy Lee said Liza, de fust thing you know, dats Niggah's gwine to
screw you.
* *
A colored fellow came home somewhat earlier than he usually
did and coming into the house, sniffed and said, where dat cigarette
smoke I dun smell come from? And his wench answered, I dun try
to smoke one of dem new fangled cigarettes. And how come dat
bed all mussed up? I done feel so sick honey, I jes had to lay down.
Picking up a towel from the floor, wet at one end, he said, how about
dis? Oh, honey I done feel so bad, I had to put a wet towel aroun
mah neck. He picks the towel up and goes to the bath room. Stay-
ing there a long time, she tip toes to the bath room and sees him
stropping a razor to beat the band. What you all doin, Honey? The
towel was laying on the radiator. If dat towel done dry out limber,
I'se gwine to shave.
* *
Mandy meets her friend Liza who is wheeling a baby carriage
with a little pickaninny in it. "Where you all get the baby, Liza?"
"I got that baby at a raffle." "You got him at raffle, how's that?"
"I took a chance on a sofa."
* *
A young girl in the South, who had been brought up from the
time she was a little baby by her Negro Mammy, got married and
went away with her husband on her wedding trip. After a two
weeks' absence she returned and the old Mammy made up her mind
the next morning she was going to fix dat Chile the kind of a break-
fast she liked. So, piling up a tray with all the appetizing things she
could think of, that her darling liked, she went up and knocked at
the door but was told she didn't want anything and neither did her
husband. Somewhat disappointed, she said to herself, well, for lunch
she would spread herself and she did. Going up with the tray she
received the same answer as before. Not discouraged, she made up
her mind to try it once more and
in the evening she fixes up a tray
with creamed chicken, corne pone, and all the other dishes that her
young mistress loved and took them up, and kicking at the door,
the young woman opens, and says, Oh, Mammy, you all know what
I like.
Yaas, Missy, youh Mammy, she all know what you like, but
Honey, you is got to eat.
* *
Down in Birmingham a lady who had a good looking colored girl
working for her, also had a colored man, Rastus, come in once a
week to do the heavy cleaning. He liked the colored girl pretty well
and was always monkeying around her.
I want you to stop hanging around Sue, said the lady of the
house, she's a nice, clean, virtuous girl and I want you to keep away
from her.
Look here, said Rastus. There am two things in de world what
aint. One am a virtuous nigger, and de odder am a constipated fly.
OY!
Raymond Hitchcock was on a train, sitting and playing solitaire.
A chap watching him asked him if he ever played two handed pino-
chle. Sure, said Hitchcock, sit down and we'll play. My name is
Hitchcock, what's your. Babcock was the answer. They had been
playing a while, when another chap asked if they cared to play
auction. All right the other replied. Sit down, he did and intro-
duced himself as Mr. Alcock. While they were playing a little Kike
asked if he could make the fourth hand. They agreed and he sat
down saying, my name is Kuntz. After they introduced themselves
as Hitchcock, Babcock and Alcock, the Kike said, Oi, what a yenzing
I' going to get.
* *
A kike goes into a Cloak and Suit House and asks the proprietor,
if he could take another look at that No. 943 he saw last week. The
proprietor calls in to his stenographer, Miss Mackenzie, where's that
No. 943. Vats the idea, asked the customer? That Yiddishe girl in
there, you call her Miss Mackenzie. Yes, I know, was the answer,
that isn't her name, ve just call her that. You see, Ma ken se Grab-
bele, Ma ken sie Yenze, etc.
* *
THAT'S WHAT WE THINK
A Jewish traveling man had spent the night with a girl he had
picked up and when he was ready to leave her in the morning he
handed her a dollar. Why, you cheap skate, said the girl, do you
think I'd have stayed all night with you if I knew all you were going
to give me was a dollar? Why, before I'd do that I'd go out and
have it sewed up.
Vell, lady," said Ikey, "dat's all right vid me. "A few stitches
wouldn't hurt any."
IN MEMORIAM
Three Mohels, who ranked high in the Ghetto where they lived
and practiced their profession, were bemoaning the passing away of
one of their compatriots who had been the Chief Mohel in that vici-
nity.
Said one, "ve ought to get up a memorial for our departed
friend, Schmuhl."
"Right," said the second one, "vat shall ve do?"
Said the third, vouldn't it be a good idea to plant a beautiful
tree over his grave as a memorial."
"Fine," said the first one, "let's plant a beautiful veeping villow
tree over his grave, that would be very appropriate."
"No," said number wo, "if ve are going to plant a tree, vy not
plant a wonderful fine oak tree?"
"No," said number three, "if ve are going to plant a tree, vy
not make it a eucalyptus tree?"
Mr. Rifkin goes to a bank and wishes to negotiate a loan. The
banker tells him that from Rifkin's reputation he isn't so sure it
would be a good risk as he has heard so much of Rifkin's poor judg-
ment. However, he says, I'll tell you what I'll do. I have one glass
eye and if you can tell me which of my eyes is the glass one I will
make you the loan. Rifkin looks at him for a few moments and then
says, the left eye. Right, says the banker and I will keep my word,
but tell me this. How could you tell which was the glass eye ? Well,
said Rifkin, that looked more sympathetic than the other one.
Ikey Cohen and Abie Goldstein meet. Says Cohen, where are
you going, Abie ? To Mrs. Zemansky's bridge party. Oh, F------Mrs.
Zemansky, says Ikey. Sure, says Abie, that's the first prize.
* *
At a banquet given every year at the Middlesex Fair a speaker
arose and gave a toast to Middlesex.
Asked to give another he arose and toasted "the Fair Sex."
Once more he was asked to give a toast and he rose and said:
Here's to the Middle of the Fair Sex.
Find em, fondle em, fool em and forget em.
Say, Martha, I bought you one of them new fangled Pianolas.
Well, answered his wife, you'll have to empty it yourself.
* *
A chap who wanted to market Cundrums tried the Saturday
Evening Post, Vanity Fair, Vogue, etc., and no one would take his
Ad. A friend of his told him he knew a chap who could write him
an ad that would pass muster. He took him and introduced him and
the Ad man said. Come back tomorrow morning and I will have
it for you.
He did this and when he came back the following Ad was
handed him.
"If you are married and want children
That's your business.
If you are married and don't want children
That's our business.
U. S. Rubber Co. * *
PERHAPS IT WOULD GROW
"Oh," exclaimed the sweet young thing, as she caught sight
of a little dog with a tail perhaps an inch long, "what a cute little
doggy. But what's the matter with him? Didn't he ever have any
tail?"
"No," replied the dog's hard-boiled owner, "but he's iust a
pup." * *
A teacher in school asked the children if they could tell her
who used the phrase, Don't shoot until you see the whites of their
eyes. One pupil said, Gen. Robt. E. Lee, another U. S. Grant one
Stonewall Jackson, etc. Finally one kid in the back of the room
raised his hand and said I know, Brigham Young.
* *
At a fancy dress party where all the characters were supposed
to come dressed to represent a Shakspearean play, two men were
walking around with a Board on them like the Sandwich men usual-
ly carry. One of them had printed on his board the word "Hard."
The other on only the word "Soft." When asked how they repre-
sented a Character from Shakspeare the answer was." "As you
like it" The other one "Twelfth Night."
Two congressmen one from Maine, who was a red head and
one from Iowa, were bitter enemies. Every chance they had they
would shoot it into each other. Both were invited to a banquet and
the Maine Congressman was asked to get up and say a few words.
He raised his glass and said:
Here's to the American Eagle,
That beautiful bird of prey.
He flies from Maine to Mexico,
And he sh------s on Iowa.
The Iowa Congressman never said a word, till he was called
upon to say a few words. He then arose and gave his answer as
follows:
Here's to the State of Iowa,
Whose soil is soft and rich.
We need no turd from your beautiful bird,
You red headed son of a bitch.
* *
In a pinochle game one of the players inquired, what do I get
paid if I bid Five Hundred?
The man to the left of him remarked, if you bid five hundred,
by jiminy you can sleep with my wife. All right, said the first man,
I bid four hundred and ninety.
* *
Teacher in school asks a little Jewish boy. Abie I want to see
if you know how to define singular and plural ? Now, what is it when
one woman is looking out of a window? Singular, answers Abie.
That's correct. Now, if two women are looking out of a window,
what's that. That's plural, said Abie. Correct again, said the
teacher. Now Abie, what is it if four woman are looking out of a
window? That's a Nafka Bias, answers Abie.
* *
Almost every one knows that the famous John Ruskin, the art
critic and poet was married to a woman very much younger than
himself, and it is also said that, if not impotent, he at least was so
engrossed with his work that he paid very little attention to his beau-
tiful young wife, and failed in his husbandly duties towards her. She
was thus thrown much into the society of his Secretary, John Millais,
who afterward became Sir John Millais, the famous painter. They
came to Ruskin, instead of having a secret liaison and confessed their
love for each other and Ruskin, with great magnanimity, permitted
his wife to get a divorce and marry Millais. They remained friends
however, and shortly after the divorce, Ruskin went to Venice, and
while there wrote his most famous book, "The Stones of Venice, and
, probably the best known book on architecture ever written. He
sent a copy to his former wife asking for her comments and received
from her the following epistle:
You speak of the glories of ancient erection,
You talk of stones to a wondrous degree,
But, alas; in the days of our affection,
You had neither stones nor erection for me.
A man goes into Marshall Field & Co.'s retail store and at the
lingerie counter asks if they have any night gowns three yards long.
We haven't any ladies' night gowns three years long, said the
sales lady, but we can make them to order. All right, was the an-
swer, make me up a half a dozen of them.
Would you mind my being inquisitive, said the sales lady, but
what do you want with a night gown three yards long? Well, you
see, it's this way, lady, answered the man, I like the sensation of
pulling them up.
* *
A swimming meet was being held in the East and one girl who
no one seemed to know beat every one with the greatest ease and
won the prize. The instructor and referee, who had been there a
good many years went up to her and said, lady, I have been here
a good many years and refereed a great many matches, but I never
saw any one win with such consummate ease and tell me, where did
you learn that wonderful rythm that you have in the water. Oh,
she answered, I used to be a street walker in Venice.
* *
A chap picks up a Jane on the street in St. Louis and asks
her to come to the Statler with him to lunch. She does and he asks
her if she will have a drink and she says no. After lunch he asks
her if she will go up to his room with him and she says alright. They
go up and he locks the door and says, come on Kid, lets have a little
party. Alright she says, and strips and gets into bed. He is stand-
ing by the window with all his clothes on, overcoat, hat etc. She
says to him, well for heavens sake aren't you going to take off your
clothes? He opens the window, takes off his overcoat, throws that
out of the window, same with his hat, his coat, vest, collar, tie,
shirt and she says, for heaven's sake what are you doing that for.
God, Kid he says. By the time I get through screwing you, those
clothes will be out of style.
A Mackerel and a Sole were swimming in opposite directions
in as tream. As they passed each other the Sole said, waving his
fin, Ah, Mack. The answer came back, Ah Sole.
* . *
An old man of 75, an oil millionaire married a girl of about
thirty. One of his best friends said to him, for heaven's sake, why
did you do that. Don't you know that kid will run around with at
least ten fellows, all of whom can give her what she wants and
what you can't do. Say, he said, I'd rather have a ten per cent in-
terest in a gusher than a 100 per cent interest in a dry hole.
Charlie Chaplin took the White Sister into the Covered Wagon
and under the Red Robe broke the Ten Commandments and gave
Birth to a Nation.
* *
WANTED TO ADOPT A CHILD
The following conversation took place between a young lady
and the manager of a local newspaper:
Lady— Is the manager in?
Manager—Yes ma'am, I'm the manager.
Lady—Are you the gentlemen who has charge of the advertise-
ments?
Manager—Yes, ma'am.
Lady—I wish to procure a good, healthy child, how much will
you charge to put it in?
Manager—One dollar for three insertions.
Lady—if I don't get a child after three insertions, how much
will you charge to put it in again?
Manager—If you don't get a child after three insertions and I
can keep it standing, I will put it in until you get a child, or until
the matter runs out, for $2.00.
Lady—Well, sir, you can put it in.
Manager—Thanks. I hope to be successful in getting you a
child by the first three insertions.
Lady—I hope so, but am willing that you should keep it stand-
ing for six months, or until I get a child.
CHURCH ANNOUNCEMENTS
Dear Brothers and Sisters—On Sunday next out Annual Bap-
tismal Service will take place. There will be an adult and two adul-
tress.
On Wednesday Eve. out annual Tea will take place—all ladies
giving milk please come early.
On Friday next a concert in aid of the poor, when Miss McGinnis
will sing—"Put me in my little bed."—accompanied by the Pastor.
On Tuesday afternoon there will be a regular monthly meet-
ing of the Little Mothsr' Club—any young lady in the congrega-
tion desiring to become a Little Mother, will please meet the pastor
in his study immediately after the meeting.
We will now sing Hymn. 455—Little Drops of Water,—as our
Organist is ill will some lady please start little drops of water.
* *
In a certain drug store on the upper west side a man entered
one day, and seeing only a woman in attendance asked for the
proprietor, or a male clerk. "I'm the proprietor, ad we have no
male clerk," she said; "tell me what you want." "Well," said the
man, "I want a few condoms." "What size?" asked the woman. "I
don't know. Do they come in sizes?" "Come back here," said the
owner, taking him behind the partition to the rear of the store.
"Put it in," she added, throwing herself on a couch and lifting her
skirts. The customer readily complied, and as he inserted his prober
the proprietor said, "Size 7, take it out. How many do you want?"
In somewhat of a daze the customer left the place, and coming
across Levy told him his adventure. The Yid went immediately to
the same store, where, pretending to be embarrassed he allowed him-
self to be coaxed into asking the woman for condoms. He also af-
fected great surprise to learn they come in sizes, and when he was
invited to the rear of the store he complied readily. "We'll soon
find out what size you are," said the woman, throwing herself again
on the couch. "Put it all the way in." Levy did as he was told,
out neglected to take it until his sperm left him in one grand ejacula-
tion. "You take size 8," said the woman, rising, "how many do you
want." "I don't want any," said Levy, "I just came in for a fit-
ting."
* *
An Englishman entered a drug store and went to the back coun-
ter. "Show me some condoms," he said to the clerk. "What kind,
the twenty-five cent ones or the fifties?" asked the clerk. "Well, I
say, what's the difference?" asked the limey. "The fifty-cent ones
you can wash, and use again and again, he was informed. "Fine,
he said, what an economy, I'll take several." In a few weeks he re-
turned to the drug store, went up to the clerk nd said: "You may
sell me several condoms, but not the fifty-cent ones, that wash."
"Why not, what's the matter?" the clerk asked. "Didn't they work
all right?" "I suppose they did," retorted the Englishman, "but I
got a nasty note from my laundry."
* *
A small boy entered a drug store and whispered to the clerk
that he wanted some condoms. "What size," he was asked, "and
who are they for? "Gimme assorted sizes," he said, "They're for my
sister, she's goin' to the country."
"You'll never be a success as a whore," said one young woman
to another. "You don't know how to get your price. The right
time to ask a man for money is while he's screwing you. When his
eyes get glassy ask him for ten dollars. He can't refuse you." Next
day she met her friend and asked her how the idea had worked out.
"Rotten," said she. "When his eyes got glassy, I went stone blind.
AN INCIDENT OF THE GREAT WAR
At the beginning of the second year of the great war with Ger-
many, Germany had found herself running short of saltpetre, one
of the most important ingredients in the manufacture of gunpowder.
It gave opportunity for the demonstration of the wonderful resource-
fulness of the German nation as is proved in the fact that the fol-
lowing appeared in the Berlin papers as an official advertisement.
NOTICE
The women of Germany are commended to preserve their cham-
ber lye, as it is very needful to the cause of the Fatherland in the
manufacture of gunpowder. Wagons with barrels and tanks will
be sent through the city daily to collect and remove the same.
(Signed) VON HINDENBERG,
Commanding.
A German soldier in the trenches, even with the fear of LES
MAJESTES in his heart, on seeing the advertisement, perpetrated
the following:
Von Hindenberg, Von Hindenberg, you are a funny creature:
You've given to this cruel war a new and funny feature.
You'd have us thik, while every man is bound to be a fighter
The women—bless their darling hearts!—should save their "P" for
nitre.
Von Hindenberg, Von Hindenberg, where did you get the notion
Of sending barrels round the town to gather up the lotion?
We thought a woman's duty was to keeping house and diddling
But now you've put the dears to patriotic piddling.
Von Hindenberg, Von Hindenberg, do pray invent a neater
And somewhat less immodest way of making your saltpetre.
For Fraulein fair, with golden hair, with whom we all are smitten
Must join the line, and jerk their brine, to kill the bloomin' Briton.
* *
A copy of the poetic effort found its way into a British trench,
and an English soldier wrote the following addenda, which was sent
back to the German defences:
Von Hindenberg, Von Hindenberg, we read in song and story,
How many tears, in all the years have sprinkled fields of glory,
But ne'er before have women helped their braves in deed of slaughter
Till German beauties dried their tears and went to making water.
No wonder Von your boys are brave! Who would not be a fighter
If every time he shot his gun he used his sweetheart's nitre?
And vice versa, what would make an allied soldier sadder
Than dodging bullets fired from a pretty woman's bladder?
We've heard it said a subtle smell still lingers in the powder,
And as the smoke grows thicker and the din of battle louder,
That there is found to this compound a serious objection—
A soldier cannot take a sniff without having an erection.
'Tis clear now why desertion is so common in your ranks;
An Arctic nature's needed to withstand Dame Nature's pranks.
A German cannot stand the strain. When once he's had a smell.
He's got to have a piece or bust—The Fatherland to Hell!
* *
JUICY GRETCHEN
I love this white and slender body,
These limbs that answer Love's caresses,
Passionate eyes, and forehead covered
With heavy waves of thick, black tresses.
You are the very one I've searched for
In many lands, in every weather.
You are my sort; you understand me;
As equals we can talk together.
In me you've found the man you care for.
And, for a while, you'll richly pay me
With kindness, kisses and endearments—
And then, as usual, you'll betray me.
He was tall and she was fair,
Light-blue eyes and golden hair.
He laid his head upon her breast,
She pushed the button, he did the rest.
HE TRIED
He tried her on the sofa,
He tried her on the chair,
He tried her on the window-seat
But he couldn't get it there.
He tried her sitting on his lap
And lying on the floor,
He tried her up against the wall
And against the parlor-door.
He tried her this way and that way
And how it made her laugh
To see the different ways he tried
To take her photograph.
* *
POOR GIRL
A simple, girlish maiden, in a little country town,
She thought she'd like the city and its ways,
So one summer's morning dressed in her swellest gown,
She left her home, departed from its joys;
She landed in the city and walked along the street—
It was rather late, in fact 'twas after nine,
She met a gent who told her he thought her very sweet,
And then of course invited her to dine.
Chorus
But the poor girl didn't know the difference,
She had innocence imprinted on her brow;
She didn't think it wrong, so of course she went along,
Well, I think she knows the difference now.
Now during last vacation why pretty Mary Brown,
She thought she'd like to spent the summer months
Away out in the country in some quiet place;
She packed her trunk and started off at once.
She thought she'd go out milking, the sport would be so new,
When she had only been there about a day,
And when she saw the brindles, she said that's what I'll do,
And got a pail and started right away.
Chorus
But the poor girl didn't know the difference,
She started then and there to milk the cow;
But she made a sad mistake, for that cow's name was Jake,
Well, I think the girlie knows the difference now.
WILLIE
When Willie was a little boy,
Not more than five or six,
Right constantly he did annoy
His mother with his tricks.
Yet not a picayune cared I
For what he did or said,
Unless, as happened frequently,
The rascal wet the bed.
He closely cuddled up to me
And put his hand in mine,
Till all at once I seemed to be
Afloat in seas of brine.
Sabean odors clogged the air,
And filled my soul with dread,
Yet I could only grin and bear
When Willie wet the bed.
'Tis many times the rascal has
Soaked all the bed clothes thro',
Whereat, I'd feebly light the gas
And wonder what to do.
Yet, there he lay, so peaceful like—
God bless his curly head—
I quite forgave the little tyke
For wetting of the bed.
Ah, me! those happy days have flown,
My boy's a father too,
And little Willies of his own
Do what he used to do.
And I; a, all tha's left of me
Is dreams of pleasure fled;
Our boys ain't what they used to be
When Willie wet the bed.
* *
ANXIOUS AT BOTH ENDS
A hungry hick came into a restaurant.
"What will you have?" demurely asked the lady biscuit-shooter,
as she handed him the menu.
The gentleman looked pale and hungry and he was evidently
very anxious about something. He scanned the bill of fare.
"Bringe me some------" he began, and suddenly arose from Ms
seat and made a rush for the door marked "Men."
Three minutes later he returned, looking very much relieved.
"Bring me some------"he began again. But before he could finish the sentence, his face flushed purple and he again rushed to the mysterious room.
Once more he reappeared, looking very much assuaged. But before he had taken more than a glance at the menu, Nature again
called him and he made another dive toward the House of Correction.
Again he issued, looking grim and determined not to be mas-
tered by his physical needs again.
"I think," he said sweetly, "I'll have some sardines."
"Will you take them in the can?" inquired the waitress.
"No—for God's sake, bring them quick and I'll eat 'em here."
* *
THE CHAMBERMAID BELIEVED IN SERVICE
England has been changing her ambassadors to America so
often since the war that many little complications have ensued.
One of the smallest yet funniest is the following:
The chambermaid on the third floor of one of the finest hotels
in New York was told to prepare a certain suite with especial at-
tention. "The greatest Peer in England is going to occupy that
suite," the steward told her.
When the great man arrived in his room, he found forty pots
under his bed.
Angrily he called in the chambermaid.
"My word," he fumed, pointing to the pots, "What's this?"
"Well sor," replied the girl, "they told me you were the greatest
Peer in England."
* *
THEM'S OUR SENTIMENTS, POLLY
The fair young damsel was taking a bath. The little canary
hanging in its cage very timidly said: "Peep, Peep." But the polly
on his perch on the other side of the room said: "Peep, Hell, I'm
going to take a damn good look."
* *
IN SCHOOL
A teacher asks her class of boys to compose a sentence with the
word "pistol" in it. One little boy gets up and says, his brother was
in the war and brought him back a German pistol. Another little
boy gets up and says that his father belongs to the militia and goes
once a week for pistol practice. Little Abe Cohen gets up and says,
"Last Sunday my sister Beckie went to a picnic and she drank so
much ginger ale she pissed till Tuesday.
MUTT AND JEFF
Mutt and Jeff are laying in a hospital, on cots side by side. In
the morning the nurse, making her rounds stops at Mutt's bed and
says, "Good morning, Mutt, is there anything I can do for you this
morning?" Mutt says, "Yes, I would like a glass of milk." She
picks up a glass, unbuttons her waist, takes one of her tits out and
squirts the glass full of milk and hands it to Mutt. She turns to
the next bed, in which Jeff is lying, and asks him whether she can
do anything for him. He, having seen what she did for Mutt, an-
swers, "Well, to tell you the truth, I want a glass of water, but you
better bring me a cigar."
AN INTERESTING CEREMONY
A meeting of the London School Board was recently called for
the purpose of presenting Miss Clark, one of the pupil teachers, with
a testimonial on her leaving the school for another sphere of labor.
In making the presentation, Professor Philemore, in a few
chosen words, referred to Miss Clark's extraordinary capabilities.
The Professor said that for quickness of conception, easy delivery,,
and faithful reproduction of all matter imparted to her, Miss Clark
surpassed any lady he had ever had the pleasure of having under him
and which, the Professor factiously remarked, had not been a few.
He further stated that he had never known his efforts with Miss Clark
to miscarry. (Applause)
Miss Clark, in thanking the Professor for his great kindness,
felt bound to refer to his gentleness and firmness in his treatment
of her when she had the pleasure of working under him. Miss Clark
spoke feelingly of his energy, force of action, his power of duration,
his dexterity in grappling with his subject, and above all his deci-
sion in driving home his point. Miss Clark trusted that the germ
so skillfully imparted to her by the Professor would fructify, and
if, as she sincerely hoped, the Professor could find time to visit her
in her new home he would find that his labors had not been in
vain. (Loud cheers)—Reprint from the London Advocate.
* *
HELL
Just what is meant by this word "Hell"
They say sometimes, "It's cold as Hell,"
Sometimes they say, "It's hot as Hell,"
When it rains hard, "It's Hell," they cry
It's also "Hell" when it is dry.
They "hate like "Hell," to see it snow,
It's "A Hell of a wind," when it starts to blow,
Now "How in Hell' can anyone tell
"What in Hell' they mean by this word "Hell?"
This married life is "Hell' they say,
When he comes in late there's "Hell to Pay,"
When he starts to yell, it's "A Hell of a note."
It's "Hell" when the kid you have to tote,
It's "Hell" when the doctor sends his bills,
For a "Hell of a lot" of trips and pills,
When you get this you will know real well
Just what is meant by this word "Hell."
"Hell yes!" "Hell no!" and "Oh, Hell" too!
"The Hell you don't," "The Hell you do."
And "What in Hell!" and "The Hell it is,"
"The Hell with your" and "The Hell with his!"
Now "Who in Hell" and "Oh, Hell, where?"
And "What the Hell do you think I care?"
But "The Hell of it is," "It's sure as Hell,"
We don't know "What in the Hell" is "Hell."
A BRIEF
Speech made by Mrs. Parkhurst on February 18, 1909, before
Congress, pertaining to Woman Suffrage:
"We must have what the men have—It may not be much, but
we must have it. If we cannot have it without friction, we will
have it with friction. If we cannot have it through our organiza-
tion, we will have it through our combination—or without, if nec-
essary. We absolutely refuse to be packed in the gallery any longer
but insist on being placed on the floor of the House. The drunken
loafer at the other end of the house says: 'Down with the petticoats!'
I say 'Up with the petticoats and down with the trousers, and then
things will be visible in the true light."
A SHAKE DOWN
A chap meet a girl and is taking her up to a room and says to
her, Say kid, I've got it my head to slip it to you good and plenty
about six times. He gets her up to the room and takes a joy ride, a
good one. Then she notices that he got up out of bed and is bump-
ing his head against the wall. For God's sake what are you doing?
she asks. Trying to shake the other five down where they belong,
he said.
* *
A tramp was leaning against a home
Close by a window frame,
Inside he heard voices,
Just then a woman exclaimed.
"You simply can't do it this way
Hurry don't you see I can't wait
You alway's let it wobble so,
You just can't keep it straight.
Now, let us try it this way,
But be careful of my dress,
If you let it slip out, you know
You'll make an awful mess.
If you can't do it this way
We can't do it at all,
I think that your's must be too big
Or mine must be to small.
Just have a little patience dear,
And you will surely win,
See now you've got it straight,
For God sake shove it in.
By this time the tramp got excited
And for the window dove
And saw a woman and a man
Fitting stove pipe to a stove.
MEN
IT WOULD BE GREAT TO GET ONE OF THESE
SIGNED EVERY TIME
SAFETY FIRST GUARANTEE
THIS CERTIFIES that I, the undersigned, a female about to
enjoy sexual intercourse with................................................................................................
am above the age of consent, am in my right mind and not under
the influence of any drug or narcotic. Neither does he have to use
any force, threats or promise to influence me. I am in no fear of
him whatever; do not expect or want to marry him, don't know
whether he is married or not, and don't care. I am not asleep or
drunk and am entering into this relation with him because I love
it and want it as much as he does, and if I receive the satisfaction I
expect, am willing to play an early return engagement.
Furthermore, I agree never to appear as a witness against him,
or to prosecute under the Mann White Slave Act.
Signed, before going to bed, this........................day of..............................192
By ......................................
Address ..........................................................................................................................-
(SEAL)
* *
THAT'S ALL
A distinguished, finely dressed man, apparently about 65 years
of age, was walking up and down Fifth Avenue in New York from
34th St. to 42nd, back to 34th, and then back to 42nd, etc.
A policeman walked up to him and wanted to arrest him. What
for? asked the man. Well, said the policeman, I noticed you are
looking at all the young girls and looking particularly at their legs.
Did you see me try to talk to any of them or annoy them in any-
way? No, said the policeman, but I want to know, what in hell
you're doing that for. Merely recharging my batteries, said the
old boy.
Poor Murphy had a bad cold. He couldn't talk above a whisper.
He decided to consult a doctor, and, not finding him in his office,
went to his home. The octor wife opened the door, and Murphy said
in his loudest voice, which was little more than a whisper, "Is your
husband in?" The doctor's wife replied in a whisper, "No, come in."
NAUGHTINESS ON THE NILE
Antony, having left the legions of Rome playing Come Seven
Come Leven in the desert, was calling on Cleopatra in her perfumed
pashhouse on the Nile.
He came up the steps of her royal palace carrying a great bou-
quet of roses in one hand and a bottle of "Marius Fronto's Liquid
Ambition, Guaranteed to Give Results" in the other.
As Antony approached the private chamber, Cleo's maid came
out and said,
"Sorry, your imperial majesty, but my mistress can't see you
today. She's in bed with Tonsilitis."
"Tonsilitis, Tonsilitis!" ejaculated the conqueror of Brutus.
"What the hell's she doing with that Greek?"
Floorwalker (to very nervous and flutered man): "Yes, sir; is
there anything we can do for you today?"
The Man: "Well, my wife sent me down for a casserole or a
camisole, I forget which."
Floorwalker: "Well, that depends on what kind of chicken you
want to put it on."
* *
He (driving): "Shall I stop the car?"
She (indignantly): "Go right ahead!"
He did. And a good time was had by all.
TYPICAL
A Scotchman went up to a filling station and said, "I'd like to
get a little water for my radiator." The attendant gave it to him.
Of course that was free. Then he said, "Can I have a little air for
my tires." Of course that was free also. Finally the Scotchman
said," Have you got a urinal around here anywheres?" "Yes," said
the attendant, "just around the corner to the left, and don't forget
to tip the seat." And the Scotchman went away and peed in his
pants.
* *
WE GET YOU
Traveler: "What is the population of this town?"
Native: "Nine hundred and fifty."
Traveler: "Why that was the population five years ago, don't
you have any births?"
Native: "Well, you see every time a baby is born a man leaves
town."
* *
The following conversation was recently overheard in one of
our leading theatres:
She: "And what do you think of the Susan B. Anthony amend-
ment?"
He: "I don't think much of it."
She: "Just wait, we women are going to show you men some-
thing."
He: "You surely will if fashion continues to shorten your
skirts."
Deep silence!
PREVENTATIVE MEDICINE
A friend of mine returned home earlier than usual the other
night and found his wife sitting on the doctor's lap. Next day he
sent home a barrel of apples. "An apple a day keeps the doctor
away."
* *
NO TIME
Henry: "Just one more, dear; just one more like the last one."
Marge: "But, Henry, there isn't time. You must leave in text
minutes."
THE CONVICT'S DREAM
or
XMAS PUDDING
It was Xmas on the Island,
The convicts all were there
They were seated round the table
Partaking of their fare
When the warden gently entered,
And he glanced around the halls
Merry Xmas to you convicts,
And the convicts answer "balls."
And it so enraged the warden
He swore by all the gods
You shall not have your pudding
You God-Damn bunch of slobs.
Then up spoke an ancient convict,
With a face as hard as brass,
Keep your Dod-Damn Xmas pudding
And shove it up your ass.
* *
KITCHEN AND TABLE LANGUAGE AND ETIQUETTE
"Why Did The Salt Shaker."
Because he saw the spoon holder, the potato masher, the egg
beater, the lemon squeezer, the can opener, the nut cracker, but
when he saw the CORK SCREWER!—IT WAS ALL OFF."
* *
MR. GALLAGHER AND MR. SHEAN
Oh Mister Gallagher, Oh Mr. Gallagher
Have you heard about the greatest sport
In life—I have often heard it said,
That it's usually done in bed, and the
Lady doesn't have to be your wife.
Oh Mr. Shean, Oh Mr. Shean, do you
Really think that I'm so very green?
Do you know what you should wear, when
In bed with a lady fair—Sure a Jock Strap
Mister Gallagher—No a cundrum Mr. Shean.
THE WAY IT STARTED
Pushing his way into a crowd on a corner, little Mose saw two
colored brethern fighting to beat the band. Turning to one of the
bystanders, he asked what the fight was about, and received the an-
swer that they were fighting about an agreement.
"How come, Niggah? How come? Explains dat all to me. I
done heard tell of people fightin' 'bout a disagreement many times,
but I done nebbah heard tell of two people fightin' 'bout an agree-
ment."
"Dat's where you is foolish, Niggah, I explains dat to you all:
De one fellah says to do odder, "My wife am de best piece ob ass in
dis whole town.' And de odder fellah agreed with him. Den de fight
started."
At a dinner table, during a discussion there was occasion for
some one to use the old phrase, Veni, Vidi, Vici, meaning to quote
Julius Caesar, I came, I saw, I
conquered.
"Well," said one of those present, I don't like to blow, but I
think that I can truthfully say, I have Caesar beat a city block."
"How do you make that out?" inquired the others.
"Well," said the chap, "just a few days ago I met a wonderfully
beautiful girl, I took her out to dinner. Oh, well, to make the story
short, I saw, I conquered, I came."
* *
A fellow walks into the biggest department store in a town and
asks a young lady if they have any Pettybockers. She answers in
the affirmative and he asks how many they have. She tells him. To
be sure she would have to inquire of the manager. She comes back
and tells him they have fourteen dozen in stock.
"All right," said the chap, "wrap them up, I'll take them all."
The clerk, thinking it rather strange, tells the manager and he
comes up and asks, "Would you mind telling me what you want with
all these ladies' garments."
"I want to take 'em out and rip 'em all to hell. They're too
dam inconvenient."
* *
A RIDDLE
If an ice box gets one piece a day, and a tablecloth is jerked off
three times a day, and a dentist puts his tool in a lady's mouth for
fifty cents, why in h—ll do we pay a doctor two dollars for coming
once?
A Scotchman was going with a girl and was always promising:
her that if anything happened to her he would take care of her.
Suddenly he disappeared and went to Scotland and remained there
three years. On his return he was walking down the street one day
when he met his old sweetheart walking with a little boy. He
greeted her and asked her whose little boy it was. She said it was
hers, and that he was the father of it. "Why didn't you send for
me when you found you were in that condition, I would have come
back and married you?" "Oh well," said the girl, "I talked it over
with the folks and we all decided we'd rather have a bastard in the
family than a Scotchman.
* *
During the Dempsey-Tunney fight they had a tough little kike
for one of the ushers. A lady came in and handed him her checks.
The kike looks at them and says, "Lady, you're the third aisle, third
row, third seat." "You're wrong," said the lady, "absolutely wrong."
"The kike takes another look and says, "Lady, I'm tellin' you once
again, the third seat, the third row and the third aisle." Looking
daggers at him the lady says, "I want you to understand that I have
a mezzanine box." The answer she got was, "Lady, I don't give
a God-damn if you've got a velvet box with gold trimmin's, you
have the third seat, in the third row, in the third aisle."
IT WAS TERRIBLE
There was a nurse in a hospital, who always concerned herself
about everything that was going on in the hospital. She went away
on a vacation and when she returned she asked if anything unusual
had happened in her absence. A couple of doctors thought that they
would kid her and said, "Why yes, there was a child born here the
other evening without a Penus." "My God, she said, "how terrible,
are you going to leave the child live?" The doctors answered, "Why
yes, we'll leave it live until its to be twenty one and we'll insert
one." It was a girl.
* *
I've been a good fellow, boys,
I earned all I spent,
Paid all I borrowed,
And lost all I lent.
I loved a woman once
That too came to an end
Buy a dog—boys—
Then you'll always have a friend.
* *
A girl who was dying of tuberculosis in a county institution
was threatened with ejection and was telling her troubles to a
girl with whom she had made friends and how was about ready to
leave, the girl said, "Let me take your clothes kid, and I'll go down
on your old beat, and try your old customers." While she was par-
ading the beat a copper picked her up, knowing she wasn't the reg-
ular girl, and asked her who she was. "Well, officer, I'll tell you,
I'm a substitute for a destitute prostitute in an institute."
Two coons meet, one has a wench on each arm and is walking
along with his chest thrown out. Sam says to Rastus, "Say, niggah
"where you all goin'?" Rastus answers, "I'se takin' these two
Janes to a ball." "Huh" says Sam, "I'se doing just the opposite of
you."
* *
Fannie Bryce was out with Tex Rickard one night. They had
lots of food and plenty of wine, and all evening she was using en-
dearing terms—"oh, Tex, you are wonderful," "Tex you are a darl-
ing," "There is no one like you Tex," etc., etc. When they were
ready to go. she held up her mink coat and said, "Hold my coat
Rickard." "How do you get that way" said Tex, "all evening its
been Tex, Tex, Tex, and now all of a sudden it is Rickard." "Well,"
said she "I can't very well say 'hold my coat-Tex.' "
* *
HE DID
A farmer had to leave on a two weeks' trip. It was imperative
that he should go, although he hated to leave on account of the fact
that in that time the pig was expected to have a litter, the cow was
to have a calf and the mare was to have a foal. He called his head
farm hand and told him how he hated to leave and asked him to
take good care of everything, look after things and do the best he
could, which was promised.
On his return after two weeks, he immediately went to his
helper and asked, "Well, is everything all right?"
"No," said the farm hand, "everything went wrong. The pig
had her litter all right, but she rolled over on them and killed them
all, the cow had a fine calf and unfortunately, the calf got drowned
in the brook. The mare had her foal and accidentally kicked it to
death."
"You're a hell of a help, you are," said the farmer, "couldn't
you attend to anything right?"
"You bet," said the helper, "you know that bleeding your daugh-
ter has every month? Well, I stopped that."
* *
A Jew and an Irishman, who had taken up with each other were
down and out and starving. It was a wet, cold night, and they passed
a house where there was light and music, and peering through the
window they saw a number of Priests, seated around a table, heaped
with food, and all drinking wine.
Bejabers, said Pat to Ikey, here's where we eat. They sure
won't turn down a couple of starving men like us. But I think we
better go in one at a time. All right said Ikey, you go in first. In
goes Pat and coming out, says, Ikey, you'll get such a feed as yez
never had before, but watch your step, they're all Catholic in there,
so be sure and say the right thing.
But a few minutes after going in, out bounces Ikey on his ass
and after picking himself up from the sidewalk, Pat inquires; what's
the idea? Didn't you do what I told you. Sure, said Ikey, and I
made it good and strong. I tol them my Fader was a Priest and my
Mudder vas a Nun.
A discussion arose between two friends as to who was the
greatest man in the world. The one insisted it was Abraham Lincoln.
The other agreed Lincoln was a great man but said George
Washington was a greater. He was first in war, first in peace and
first in the hearts of his countrymen.
Yes, said the other but he married a widow.
A chap who had a girl named Belle, said he went to her
house the other evening but didn't go in because he knew she was
sick.
How did you know she was sick? asked his friend.
Easy enough, he replied. There was a sign on the door "Bell
out of order."
* *
LA SAGESSE FRANCAISE
Paul Bourget, the great French novelist, visited American about
fifteen years ago.
A society frump from Fifth Avenue asked him:
"Why do you always write about woman who sin? Why do you
not write about good women?"
Bourget replied: "What is there to write?"
* *
This Is The Kind of Poetry They Write in Greenwich Village
(By Alfred Bryan, from Pagan Love Lyrics, 1921)
Teach me to sin—
In love's forbidden ways,
For you can make me all passion pure;
The magic lure of your sweet eyes
Each Shape of sin makes virtue praise.
Teach me to sin—
Enslave me to your wanton charms,
Crush me in your velvet arms,
And make me, make me love you.
Make me fire your blood with new desire,
And make me kiss—lip and limb,
Till senses reel and pulses swim.
Aye! even if you hate me,
Teach me to sin.
* *
A RURAL BALLAD
Tempt me not away to mountains, to lakes or shady dell,
Nor to the sea shore where the sands are full of fleas;
But take me the country, the place I love so well,
'Mid the hay fields, and the cabbage and peas.
Tempt me not with lovely ladies, with their husbands left at home,
And a bunch of bathers basking at their knees;
I prefer the dairy maiden upon her native loam,
In the land where grows the cabbages and peas;
Where the hay upon the meadow gives a fragrance to the air;
Where the cow and calf are browsing 'neath the trees;
In the golden glow of evening I would greet the maiden fair,
As she sits among the cabbages and peas.
AN AWKWARD MISTAKE
A young man who is engaged to a young lady wishes to buy her
a valentine remembrance. Not being able to decide for himself
he went shopping with his sister, she buying a pair of drawers and
he a pair of gloves for his lady friend. In sending the parcels got
mixed and the drawers were sent to the lady friend with the follow-
ing note:
"Dear One:
I bought this little remembrance for you. Oh! how I wish no
hand would touch them after you put them on, but I know such a
wish is in vain. A thousand hands may touch them while I am not
at your side and other eyes than mine may see them on you at parties.
I bought the smallest size I could get and if they are too large let
them wrinkle down as a great many girls wear them that way. Al-
ways wear them at parties as I want to see how they fit. Some fel-
las may soil them but you can clean them with benzine if you leave
them on to dry. I hope they are not too small. Blow into them be-
fore you put them on.
"Ever Your Own"
CHARLEY
* *
RAFFLE FOR A DOG
WANT A DOG
A nice brown dog, sound as a ring,
Will be eight years old—if he lives till spring;
He will piss on your carpet, shit on your grass.
Has three white feet and a hole in his ass,
His head bulges out and his ass caves in,
But he's a damned good dog for the shape he's in.
TAKE A CHANCE! Tickets 1c to $1.00
No. 23
Name...........................................................................
Address...........................................................
THAT'S HOW
She saw him, and she sought,
Seeking him, she met him,
Meeting him, she loved him,
Loving him, she let him,
Letting him, she lost him.
AND SHE WOULDN'T EAT THE BREAST
OF A CHICKEN
'Tis been erroneously said
That modesty is dead
And I'll prove it to you in a jiffy,
For in our fair town
There is a Miss Brown,
Who's so modest, by gad, it's a pity.
When she retires at night
She'll turn out the light
So not even herself she can see;
And the legs of each chair
She has covered with care;
She wouldn't look at the limb of a tree.
With her high-collared woist,
Boy, I'll say she's a chaste,
And short dresses she abhors.
But, my, how she'll flush
And stutter and blush
When she opens the bureau drawers.
* *
A girl bought a pair of stockings at Marshall Fields' and sent
them back with a note saying they were not up to her expectation.
They sent her another pair and sent her a little note saying, "We
hope that these will tickle your fancy."
* *
A girl seeking a position as a stenographer had made all the
arrangements and when the boss asked her what salary she expected
by er, and she would leave it to him. The first week, in lieu of
by her, and she would leave it to him. The first week, in lieu of
salary, he gave her a beautiful silk, lace trimmed night gown, the
second week he gave her fifty dollars, and the third week he raised
her first week's salary.
* *
A guy meets a girl and sleeps with her. A few nights later he
has a1 wet dream about her, he writes her a note and tells her about
it and encloses five dollars, saying, "I'm poor but I'm honest."
* *
They say that Colgate and Company are going to sue Kotex
people for stealing their slogan "Lays flat on the brush."
* *
At the time that Irving Berlin married Ellen MacKay they say
he wrote a song dedicated to his father-in-law entitled "I don't care,
I've been cut off before."
A girl was going to be baptised. The preacher pulled down
the blinds, stuffed the keyholes, then told her to strip to her naked
skin, which, to comply with the parson's request, she did. He opened
up the Bible and told her to lay on it. Then he mounted her and
said:
The Holy book is under three,
The Holy man is over thee,
The Holy pole is in thy hole—
Now wwiggle yyour ass to
ssave your ssoul.
* *
A police officer arrested a man for speeding in a Ford and when
brought before the Judge the officer testified that he had been going
at the rate of 85 miles per hour.
That is impossible, said the Judge. You never could have been
going 85 miles an hour in a Ford.
Well, you see Judge, answered the accused, I grafted a couple
of nuts from a Stutz onto the Ford and that's how I can go that
fast.
WASTED AMMUNITION
Julius Schmitt came into our editorial sanctum yesterday, look-
ing even more woebgone than usual.
"The wife had twins again," he told us.
"For the love of Mike, Julius," we sympathized, "do you always
get twins?"
"Hell no!" spit out the Solon, "more as tousand times nuddings!"
* *
ANY CONNECTION?
Old Man Grim glanced up from his plate of beans and corn-
bread; his son Johnny closed the door and turned a dejected face
toward the elder.
"What's the matter of yuh?" grunted his father. "I thought
yuh was as good as hired."
"I was—'ntil he made me do a bunch of writin'—then he said
he couldn't keep me."
"Why?"
"He said I—I—was ill—ill—illiterate."
"It's a domm dirty lie," screamed the Old Man. "I married
yer mother six weeks afore yew was born."
* *
SOME MELODY LEFT
A violinist, well past his fortieth year, proposed to a buxom
widow and was refused on account of his age, to which he expostu-
lated, "But remember, dear, an old violin is filled with lots of melody
yet unplayed."
The widow listened to a tune.
* *
CERTAINLY
Judge: "What were you doing chasing those bathing girls at
the beach?"
Youth: "I was enjoying the privileges granted me by the
Constitution—life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness."
TRUTH CRUSHED TO EARTH
Out here in Cleveland the Baptists are uniting with the So-
cialists.
The North Shore Baptist Church of Cleveland holds ."Open
Forum'' every Thursday night, where a slew of washed out Willies
discuss such dumpology as "Sweetness and Light" and "The Rights
of the Proletariat.''
One subject they never discuss is the right of the proletariat
(art-alley for hired hand) to his bucket of beer.
Last Thursday night I sunk in and found them holding a
symposium on the question "What is the most beautiful thing about
a woman?"
One goof us said her eyes. Another her lips. Another her hair.
Another her soul.
A nervous Baptist arose and said, "I make a motion we adjourn
before someone tells the truth!"
* *
A young couple just married were staying at the home of the
groom's parents. Before they went to bed the first night she made
him pray. Next morning at breakfast he said: "Father, I did some-
thing last night that I never did before," and his wife spoke up and
said "Yes, and I intend for him to do it every night." The old
man shook his head and said, "It can't be done."
* *
Lizzie McCarthy, our skinny stenographer ate an olive and the
next day six men left town.
* *
Headline from the Brownsville, (Tex.) International Gazette—
Two American girls attacked below the border.
* *
Prohibition—is the milk of human kindness turned sour.
* *
"I'm not that kind of a girl—and besides, a dollar isn't enough."
* *
Married men tell no tales.
* *
The suffragettes' battle cry: "Down with the trousers and up
with the petticoats."
* *
Heaven will protect the working girl—but she often has to
walk back anyway.
* *
Isn't it remarkable how many women will go into a man's bed-
room to fight for their honor?
* *
Have a good time while you're alive, fellows. Death is so
PERMANENT.
The most common name on hotel registers: John Smith and Wife.
* *
Men buy women valentines and things with lace edges.
When you meet a man of forty and past,
Who has led a life exceedingly fast,
And he marries a girl of twenty and four,
Who is constantly crying for more and more.
And all he can do is to buzz and buzz,
And tell what a hell of a fellow he used to was.
Isn't it awful, Mabel.
* *
ANYWAY, HE SURE GOT HIM
Rats were very plentiful in the cellar. There was a bag of
nuts in one end of the cellar and a bag of apples in the other. John
placed a trap by the bag of apples and one by the bag of nuts. That
evening at supper a noise was heard in the cellar and John hurried
down. He shouted up to Mary: "I got him." And she said: "Where
by the apples?" And he answer: "No."
* *
THE HAND CUFF KING
Pat Murphy and his wife had a child every time they had inter-
course, and as the family was getting entirely too big for Pat's means,
Pat decided that he would see what could be done to prevent this
and still allow him to enjoy his intercourse with Bridget. It might
be mentioned that Pat and Bridget were in the habit of deciding
before they went to it what the child would be named. Pat's friend
told him to use a cundrum and one fine evening just before they were
going to have their little nuki Pat slipped one of these things on.
Bridget said, "Well, Pat, Darlin, if we get a little boy this time, let's
name him Dinny. "Be Jasus," says Pat, "If he gets out of the dam
thing I have on, we'll name him Houdini."
A traveling man who had occasion to stop off on business in
Palm Beach, after a hasty courtship, grabbed off the daughter of a
rich New Yorker, and married her. He sent a telegram to the fa-
ther as follows: Married your daughter this morning. Going to
Tampa with her tonight.
* *
DANIEL IN THE LION'S DEN
It was during the reign of Azar "ass" while in a heated argu-
ment in court as to who the drinks were on, Daniel found occasion
to call the King a Son of a Bitch; and in those days it was con-
sidered no small matter to call the reigning sovereign the off-spring
of a slut; so Daniel was therefore cast into the den of lions.
During the night though, the King's conscience so grieved him
that early the next morning he strode over to the lion's den and be-
hold, se saw Daniel wiping his ass with the tail of the largest lion.
"Good morning," said the King, but Daniel upon seeing him, rolled
up a pile of dung and smote the King on the cheek. "Shit" cried
the King. "Right," quoth Daniel, and the drinks were on the King.
Where goeth the Queen, asked Daniel. To the Royal Crap-Can,
answered the King. Hath she plenty of paper, sayeth Daniel. Three
reams of the best and medicated, answered the King. Good cried
Daniel. I feared she would be compelled to use the ordinary corn
cob and scatch the finest touch-hole that ever pooped a zephyr. At
this, the whole bloody court laughed right heartily and the King was
so pleased that the drinks were on the King and Daniel was hence-
forth kept out of the Lion's Den.
* *
At a musical show a man sitting in E-2 on the aisle wanted to
know what a certain tune was and turning to the lady opposite asked
if she knew what it was. "Go feather your nest" was her answer.
"Oh, go s------ in your hat," he replied, "can't you answer a civil
question?"
* *
REBUS
Letitia has a large one, and so has cousin Luce;
Eliza has a small one, though large enough for use.
A child may have a little one enclosed within a clout
In fact, all females have one, no girl is born without.
But man, nor, boy, nor buck, nor bear, nor ram was ever known
To have one either large or small, to rightly call their own.
All fowls have one, not cocks of course, and though prolific breeders,
The fact that fish have none is known to piscatorial readers
Hermaphrodites have none; mermaids are minus too,
Without it lust has never been, and even love would die,
It's used by all in nuptial bliss, in carnal pleasures found.
Destroy it, life becomes extinct, the world becomes a sound.
Beneath a soft and glossy curl, each lass has one in front,
To find it in an animal, you, at the stern must hunt.
Now tell me what the object is; But pause before you guess it.
If you are mother, maid or nun, I swear you don't passes it.
Answer the Letter—L.
* *
Two Irishmen were working with pick and shovel. One of them
dropped his cigar in a pool where a horse had urinated. He picked
up the cigar and said, Pat, did yet ever taste horse piss? No, said
Pat. Well, he answered, ye didn't miss much.
A lady whose husband snored terribly, went to the Doctor and
asked him if he could suggest a remedy. He told her it was a simple
matter. All she had to do while he was asleep was to spread his
legs apart gently without waking him. After a week she came back
and said, Doctor, your advice was splendid, it worked like a charm.
But tell me, I can not understand how such a simple thing would stop
his snoring. Well, you see, its like this, said the Doctor, when you
spread his legs apart, his testicles drop down over his touch hole,
shutting off the draft and he stops snoring immediately.
A lady goes into a bank in New York and lays down a Russian
Ten Thousand Rouble note and asks the Cashier to please give her
American Money for it.
The Cashier hands her out seventy-nine cents.
Do you mean to tell me, that's all I get for that.
That is all it is worth, madam, answers the cashier.
The dirty Son of a Bitch, she says, and I gave him breakfast,
too.
* *
Some drink to their wives and sweethearts,
And some to actress fair.
But I drink to you, my darling,
And may you never have trouble or care.
Virtue and truth, I grant you,
Are possessed by but very few.
But, please don't come out with a girl like me,
Unless you intend to come through.
* *
A TRAIN STORY
A train stopped at Albany and as is the custom of the Pullman
conductors to lock all the toilets on Pullman cars while standing at a
station, one of the toilets being occupied unbeknown to one of the
car oilers, who usually look after the hot boxes, etc., which are di-
rectly under the toilets. The oiler performs his usual duties, when
all of a sudden the party occupying the toilet pulls the chain and the
entire contents pour all over the oiler. He is furious, gets up and
makes a dash for the Pullman car, running through the car, holler-
ing, "Where's the S. of a B. that was in that toilet." A rather
dignified gentleman suddenly appears and says, "My good man, if
you refer to me, I would have you known I am Oliver P. Belmont."
The oiler says, "I don't give a good God Dam if you are or not; I'm
All over shit Casey."
* *
A policeman walking in Central Park discovered a chap attired
in a frock coat, silk hat, patent leather shoes, gloves, etc., digging a
hole with a shovel that he had in his hand. He could hard!y recon-
cile the two and asked him what he was doing.
"Oh," said the fellow, "I have a date to jazz a hump backed
girl to night and I want her to be comfortable."
* *
The Bird Who Write This Will Regret It Some Day
Customer: "What do you take off for cash?"
Saleslady: "Sir!"
SKUNKED
Two lonesome skunks by the roadside stood,
As an automobile rushed by;
It left an odor far from good,
And a tear was in one's eye.
"Oh, why do you weep?" asked his anxious friend,
"Why do you sob and quake?"
"Because that smell," said the other skunk,
"Is like my mother used to make."
* *
A traveling man was calling on his customer in Little Rock.
Having sold him a nice bill of goods he found by looking at his
watch he had missed his train and would have to stay over until that
night, having the entire afternoon with nothing to do. His cus-
tomer, Mr. Smith, said, "I'll have my daughter take you out for a
drive." The salesman figured she was probably homely as Hell but
much to surprise and delight when she arrived behind a spanking
team of bays he found she was a very beautiful girl. After having
driven for half an hour he started with a few feels, etc., etc., and
before the afternoon was gone he had gotten what he wanted. When
he arrived in St. Louis he found a letter with the address of Smith
in the corner card and opening he found a small piece of a horse
whip with the following in poetry:
I'm sending you a token,
Oh a horse whip that is broken
There were foot prints on my dashboard, upside down.
There were grease stains on my cushion
Which proved there had been pushin'
And my little daughter Venus hasn't come around.
He answered as follows:
I'm the guy that did the pushin'
Put the grease stains on the cushion
Put the foot-prints on the dashboard, upside down.
But since I met your daughter Venus
I've had trouble with my penis,
And I wish I hadn't made your God-damned town.
* *
Shortly after the armistice, a lady walks into a Doctor's office
and asks that he give her a thorough examination. I'm not feeling
at all well, having just gotten over an operation.
Major, asks the Doctor?
No, First Lieutenant, answers the lady.
IT HAPPENED IN SPRINGFIELD
A town in Springfield, Mass., received a visit from an old nigger
friend of his who had developed into quite a sport. The Springfield
coon, not being very wise to sporting ways, went out with his sporty
friend, who asked him had he ever drank champagne. "No," he an-
swers, so his friend treats him to several bottles and gets him so
soused that he has to take him home, and put him to bed. He decided
to sleep with him in the same bed and during the night, he gets quite
an erection and makes up his mind to corn hole his friend. After
he does this a couple of times he gets up and leaves. The next
morning por Rastus is limping down the street, when he meets an-
other nigger acquaintance, and stopping to talk to him, he suddenly
asks, "Mose, did you ever dring champagne in your life?" Mose
says, "many time, Nigger, many time." Say, Mose," says Rastus,
"don't it make youah ass hole soah?"
A prison warder tells a new inmate "It is our practice to let
all prisoners work at the same trade as they were engaged in out-
side. Fine said the new convict. I'm a travelling man.
* *
Do you know why Scotchmen belch? Sure, they want to save
the wear and tear on their ass hole.
* *
What is the difference between a mosquito and a fly? You
can't sew a button on a mosquito.
* *
Do you know what makes a cannon roar? If you lost one ball
every time you shot off you would roar too.
A copper stopped a girl for speeding and after listening to her
sass he said to her "You're a fresh egg,
aren't you. I ought to be,
she replied. I was laid this morning.
* *
One fairy stops another on the street and says, my isn't that
a lovely tie you have on, simply stunning. Where did you get it?
Browning, King he replied. I didn't ask
you how, I asked you
where.
What is the difference between a thrill and a scarce? Twenty
eight days.
* *
A woman who had just moved to a new city wanted to get along
socially and decided she would join some of the swell clubs. First
she went to the riding club and because she had no horse they re-
fused to let her join. Then she tried the Yatch club and because
she did not own a Yacht she was refused admission there. A friend of
her's asked her why she didn't try the Country club.
* *
A man walking with his friend bowed to a girl and his com-
panion asked, "Do you know here?" "Yes, she's my tailor's daugh-
ter and she's the only thing he ever made that fits me.
A colored fellow was calling on his girl and she asked him,
"Rastus, does you believe in a heahafter?" "I certainly does, Man-
dy," he answered, "take off your clothes, you know what I'se heah
after."
* *
Some snappy headings for newspaper stories. Couple eloped
in airoplane. . . . Hi-Diddle Diddle.
Married dentist named as co-respondent. Filled the wrong
cavity.
Shit house turned over in storm with man inside. Interred but
not dead.
* *
What is the difference between a Boutonierre and a syringe?
One you put in your buttonhole and the other is made of rubber.
* *■
What is an INTERNE? One who takes the nurses in turn, one
every night,
* *
The evolution of an egg. In the Rooster's ass today, in the
hen's ass to-night. In my ass in the morning.
* *
WOOLWORTH OR KRESGE?
Here's to the girl from the five and ten
Who diddles herself with a foundtain pen
The cork flew off and the ink ran wild
And now she is nursing a colored child.
* *
ZEPHYRS
A sigh is but a gust of wind
That cometh from the heart
But when it takes a downward course
It's nothing but gas pains.
THE NEW IDEA
A chap who had slept with a girl all night, as he leaves her hands
her a $5.00 bill. It might be added, that he had used a condrum. It'll
be six dollars, said the young ladies. What's the idea, asked the
chap. A dollar cover charge, old dear, was the reply.
* *
Several officers in Paris were out with some French girls and it
just happened that none of them were very tall. One of the girls
remarked: "None of ze Americaine officers are very tall." "No,"
said one, "but we have large privates."
* *
FARM COMFORTS
While traveling through the country,
Selling goods and looking wise,
We see some funny faces,
And we see some funny guys.
The big hotels are costly
Cozy, snug and warm,
But some way, they're not in it,
With the comforts of the farm.
Now, for instance, there's the s-house
As we used to say at home,
Looming up in the garden
Like a big cathedral dome.
It was not so very handsome,
But still it had its charm,
When I think of the happy moments
In the —house, on the farm.
A common old board structure,
Whitewashed and looking swell,
A soap box in the corner,
And a door that squeaked like Hell.
It had no chain, no bell, no strap,
No electric lights adorn,
Still I love that dear old s—house,
That s—house, on the farm.
There's where I screwed the hired girl,
Well, sometimes, twice a day,
That's where I tried to smoke,
Dad's dear old pipe of clay.
There's where my mother spanked me,
Till she nearly broke her arm,
Because I stole a pie and ate it,
In the s—house on the farm.
There's where I hid my books and slate,
While hiding off from school,
There's where the old gent caught me,
While playing with my t---l.
There's where I used to sit and sleep,
So free from care and harm,
And I learned to pull my p---n,
In the s—house, on the farm.
WHANG
I will tell you a little story,
A story that I have heard,
You may think it's a fable,
But it's gospel, every word;
When the Lord made Father Adam,
They, say he laughed and sang,
And he sewed him up the belly,
With a little piece of WHANG.
But when the Lord had finished,
He found He'd measured wrong,
For when the WHANG was knotted,
It was several inches long;
Said he, "Tis but eight inches,
So I guess I'll let it hang;"
So he left on Adams belly,
That little piece of WHANG.
But when the Lord made mother Eve,
I imagine He did snort,
When He found that the WHANG HE
sewed her with,
Was several inches short;
"It leaves an awful gap," said He,
"But I don't give a dang,
She can fight it out with Adam,
For the little piece of WHANG.
So ever since the ancient days,
When human life began,
There's been a constant wage and strife,
Twixt the woman and the man,
The woman swear they'll have that piece,
That on our bellies hang,
To fill that awful gap of theirs,
Where the Lord ran out of WHANG.
So let us not be selfish boys,
With what the woman lack,
But split "fifty-fifty" on the WHANG.
To fill the awful lack;
For the good Lord never intended,
It should always idle hang.
When He left on Adam's belly
That little piece of WHANG.
* *
A certain lady was asked if she had ever gone through bank-
ruptcy. No, she replied, but I have been pushed for money.
NEW STORIES I HAVE HEARD
MEMORANDA
NEW STORIES I HAVE HEARD
MEMORANDA
AROMATIC MUFFLED BEAN CO., Ltd.
CAPITAL — $100,000.00
President, G. Howie Phartz; Vice-Pres., A. Lowe Rumble; Secretary,
Will U. Smellie; Treasurer, C. Sweet O'Dor
Head Office: Arsolia, Cal., U.S.A.
Solicitors, Krapp & Leavitt; Auditors, S. Tink & Company;
Chartered Accountants
The Aromatic Muffled Bean Company, Limited, has been formed
to place upon the market an entirely new agricultural product and
one which, in the opinion of unbiased experts, will be a boon to
the world.
This product is known as the Noiseless Bean and is the result of
crossing the Common Bean with the Tonkabean.
Ever since the dawn of civilization the bean has been esteemed,
in all parts of the world, as one of the most appetizing and nutritious
foods.
Its use, however, especially among refined people, has been some-
what restricted owing to certain results which invaribly follow its
consumptio nat any time of the day or night.
These results are too well known to need recapituation here; it
will suffice to say that they are apt to cause great unpleasantness in
any company the bean-eater happens to be.
But with the Noiseless Bean all the unpleasant aftermath, so to
speak, of bean-eating, has been absolutely eliminated. The bean-
lover can eat the Noiseless Bean with impunity. He can run, jump,
bend or dance and can get into society with proper security. Should
the gas escape the noise is always restrained.
Our chemical staff have also succeeded in scenting the beans
so that they will give forth any of the following popular odors: Violet,
Old Rose, New Mown Hay and Carnation. We have also experi-
mented with Jockey Club but discarded it owing to the horsey smell.
The Noiseless Bean will be a great thing for ladies attending
card parties, receptions, etc. How often have you seen the ladies at
such functions squirming in their chairs, first on one cheek, then on
the other, at last settling down in a comfortable position and then—
What? An awful odor permeates the room; every woman straight-
ens up and looks at her neighbor and then moves slightly away from
the woman she wants to hand it to.
All this can be avoided by substituting the Noiseless for the com-
mon bean. Hostesses of all manner of social functions may arrange
in advance to avoid all clashing odors, by marking in the corner of
each ivitation card, "Violet," "Old Rose," "New Mown Hay," or
"Carnation."
The world-wide adoption of the Noiseless Bean will soon be an
accomplished fact. Nothing can stay its progress because it does
away with all clashing odors, avoids all hard feelings and affords
perfect relief at all times.
Investors are invited to look over our extensive bean gardens
and perfuming works at Arsolia, Cal. In conclusion we may say that
experiments are now progressing in the direction of a musical bean
for use on occasions where conversation is flat and uninteresting. A
method of reproducing the octave has been discovered, but the half-
notes have not yet been located. —G. HOWIE PHRARTZ Pres.
DAS WIRTSHAUSE AUF DER LAHN
Die Frau Wirthen hatte einen Papagei,
Der konnte sachen allerlei
Aber das er mit sein Schnabel,
Klabusterbeeren von arschloch hackt
Das glaub ich ist ein Fabel.
Die Frau Wirthen hatte auch ein Lehrer
Der nahm den Schwanz als Brief Beschwerer
That sich ein Sturm erheben,
So legte Er zur sicherheit,
Die Kloten auch daneben.
Sie hat auch ein Rechtsanwalt,
Den stand er war es noch so kalt
Er stands wie eine Elle
Und hat er zwanzig mal gefickt,
Dan sagt er "Bagatelle."
Sie hatte auch einen Hahn,
Den war sie austerst zugethan,
Der fickte jeden Vormittag,
Wohl an die 100 Hennen,
Ich wurde das nicht konnen.
Sie hatte auch eine Tante,
Das war das grosste Sau im Lande,
Die ging einst in die Fremde,
Und hat sich dort viel Geld verdient,
Mit aufgehobenen Hemde.
Sie hatte auch eine Nichte,
Die jedes Jahr zwei Kinder kriegte,
Und fragt man Sie, wie Sie das machte,
Dann sah Sie nur den Pastor an,
Und dieses Aas, dass lachte.
Sie hatte auch einem Saal,
Das war das reine Ficklokal,
Da stanks nach Bauern, nach kalten,
Es war nicht auszuhalten.
Sie hatte auch einen Lakai,
Der hatte nur ein einziges Ei,
Das andere ging ihm floten,
Bei einer Massenvogelei,
Wurde es ihn abgetreten.
Sie hatte auch einen Staar,
Das war ein Vogel wunderbar,
Er flog ihr in die Meuse,
Und steckte sein kopf aus ihren Arsch hinaus,
Und flotet die Marsellaise.
Die Wirthen hatte einen Vetter,
Der fuckte nur bei schonem Wetter,
Und war das Wetter trube,
Da sas das Aaas bei der ofen Bank
Und putzte seine Rube.
Sie hatte einen Accoucheur,
Den passierte mal ein grosses Malheur,
Als er wollte sie entbinden,
Da fiel er in das loch hinein,
Und war nicht mehr zu finden.
Sie hatte auch ein zweiten Accoucheur,
Den passierte grade das selbe Malheur,
Aber halt, die Sache recht sich,
Jetzt sitzen sie beide in das loch
Und spielen Sechs und Sachszig.
* *
MEIN LIEBCHEN
Mein Liebchen hat ein etwas,
Das ist so hold und suss
Und dieses kleine etwas
Das ist mein Paradis.
Ich will es nicht behaupten
Das Sie allein es hat
Es hat ja jedes Madel
In Dorfchen und in Stadt
Welche haben es fur viele
Und welche nur fur Sich
Aber mein glein herzesliebchen
Hat es allein fur mich
Und dieses kleine etwas
Das ist Ihr susser Mund
Und wenn Sie was anderes dachten,
So sind Sie ein "Schweinehund."
* *
KLAPHORNVERSE
Zwei knaben schissen in dem Sand,
Wo rings rum keine Blume stand,
Da sagt der Eine, Siest d'
Jetzt scheissen wir in die Wuste.
Zwei Damen gingen mal begluckt,
Spasieren im Rosen Garten,
Die eine wurde gleich gefickt,
Die andere musste warten.
Zwei knaben gingen hand in hand,
Heim von der Charite,
Sie hatten sich den Schwanz verbrannt,
Am grunen strand der Spree.
Zwei Madchen spielten sich an dem Ding,
Die eine langsam, die andere Flink.
Da sprach die langsame zur flinken,
Riech wie mir die Finger stinken.
Zwei Manner gingen nach Kamerun
Die wollten dort die Madchen was thun,
Da sprachen die Damen von Kongobecken,
Ihr konnt uns alle urn Arsche lecken.
Zwei Knaben lagen in dem Bette,
Und pfortzen beide um die Wette,
Bis das der eine Kackte,
Da kammen Sie aus dem Tackte.
Ein Nilpferd sass am Ufersand,
Wusch sich den Arsch mit Ufersand,
Ach, konnte dein Herz doch so rein,
Wie dieses Nilpferds Arschloch sein.
* *
ANECDOTEN AUS DES LEBEN BARON MIKOSCH
Mikosch kam mal im feinsten Restaurant in Wein.
Er ging zum Oberkellner und frug Ihn ob er gefallig pisschen
wurde in eine Flasche die Mikosch ihn reichte. Thun Sie das bitte
und gebe ich ihn 5 Kronen. Der Kellner that das und sagte, Bitte,
Baron Mikosch, sagen sie mir, warum wollten sie das ich' in der
Flasche pissche. Ja, sagte, Baron Mikosch, hat mir meinen Artzt
gesagt, mussen sie nehmen Koellner Wasser, habe ich gedacht bei
mir, Oberkellner Wasser war besser.
* *
Mikosch ging einen abend mit sein freund Janosch nach ein be-
kannten Uberbrettel. Janosch merkte wie Mikosch alle die Damen
ansie. Nehme dich in acht, Mikosch, menn du etwas mit eine von die
zu thun hast. Vor das du etwas machst, nehme ein stuckchen Citrone
und drucke erst auf die Pfotze, dan kriegst du nichst. Werde ich
mir merken sagt Mikosch. Mikosch ging mit eine nach hause, Sie hat
sich gleich ausgezogen und auf das Bett gelegt. Da nam Mikosch
eine Citroone und that was Jannosch ihn gesagt hat. Das Madchen
springt auf, haut den Mikosch eins in gesicht und sagt, wos denken
sie eigentlich, meine Pfotz ist a Wiener Schnitzel?
* *
Mikosch spazierte einst im Thiergarten und hinter ihn gingen
zwei Damen. Auf einem mal lasste Mikosch ein furchbaren Pfurz
los. Eine die damen hinter ihn bemerkte, Nein, so was ist mir in
mein ganzen leben noch nie passiert. Ah, sagte Mikosch, gnadige
Frau, habe ich gendacht es war ich gewesen.
* *
Solomon und Rebekkah sind verlobt. Kommt der Hochzeits Tag
und die Mamma sagt zu ihr Kind. Mein Liebchen, weisst du, du hast
ja so wunderschone geschenke bekommen, hast ja alles was dein herz
begehrt und deine Mamma wusste nicht was Sie Dir zum geschenk
geben sollte so habe ich mit meine eigene hande Dir ein wunder-
schones Blau seidenes nacht hemd gemacht, das sollst Du die erste
nacht tragen.
Ja, sagte Rebeckchen, weisst Du, Mamma das ist sehr lieb von
Dir, aber Solomon und ich haben uns verabredet, wir wollen die erste
Nacht nackend yenzen.
BEIDE
Dunn Shiss ist wie die Liebe
Beide verursachen Schmerz
Der eine verwundet das Arsch loch,
Und die andere zerbricht das Herz.
Ein alter Mann von funf und siebsich heiratet ein junges mad-
chen von funf und zwansich. Nach 10 Monaten kommt ein kleiner
Jung zu erscheinen. Ein paar wochen nach er ankamm ist Die Frau
auf und erhalt besuch. Sie sitzt in ihr betzimmer und der Alte ist
im nebenzimmer. Eine junge freundin besucht Sie, bewundert den
kleinen under fragt, Wie heist er eigentlich? Hamlet, antwortet die
Mutter. Wie kommst Du auf so einen nahmen, Hamlet? Die Mutter
schaut nach dem nebenzimmer und sagt. Sein oder nicht Sein, das
ist die Frage. * *
Eine stenographisten die gewonlich um 9 Uhr zur arbeit kommt,
eines schonen Morgens, erscheint im Comptoir gegen 11 Uhr. Ihr
principal, nimmt seine Uhr aus der Tasche, shaut seine Uhr an,
und den die junge Dame, und sagt, in einemn sarcastischen Ton,
Ausgeschlaffen? Nein, kommt die Antwort, Zuhause.
Ein Philadelphier, nimmt sein Freund im Monat November nach
dem Zoologischen Garten. Alles war beschaftig, den die Thiere
kamen eben im Winter Quartier. Er sagte zu seinem Freund, siest
Due, alle die Thiere, die Elephanten, die Lowen, die Tiger, kommen
jeizt im Winter Quartier. Und was macht man mit dem Vogeln?
Ja, antwortet er, die Banke bleiben stehen.
Die Berliner Schusterjungen sind ja beruhmt fur ihre frechheit.
Es triffte mal ein Schusterjung ein Japanese auf der Strasse, und
frug ihn, Wie viele Vater haben Sie eigendlich gehabt? Was meinen
Sie, sie Gottverdammter Schweinehund, frug der Japanese? Ich
habe nur ein Vater gehabt.
Nee, sagte der Schusterjung. Dat konnen Sie mir nit weiss
machen, das Sie von zwei Eier so yelb jeworden sind.
* *
Eine Mutter ging mit ihr kleine Tochter spazieren. Sie gingen
verbei und sahen wie ein kleiner Junge stand gegen ein Baum und
machte Peepee. Die kleine sagte zu die Mutter. Gott, Mamma, sie
mal, wie praktisch.
Eine lehrerin in der Schule frug ein Kleiner Jung wie er hies.
Ich heise Ernst, sagt der kleiner. Wie kommt es das Du Ernst heist?
Ja, sagte er, wie meine Mamma under mein Papa jung waren, mach-
ten Sie mal spaas mit einander, Aus dem spaas wurde Ernest und
der Ernst bin ich.
* *
Ein geschaftsman, Herr Cohn ,hatte ein Buchhalter und als er
mal nach hause kam, fandet er den Buchhalter und seine Frau in
flagrante delicto auf dem Sofa.
Die Frau,. hatte man sagen sollen war alt under furchbar hess-
lich. Der Cohn sah eine minute zu und sagte sein Buchhalter.
Ignatz, Ich muss, aber Du?