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Auctoris ignoti carmen priapeium, etc. Londinii, 1896.
The text of Joe Muggins' Wedding-Night (attributed to William
Makepeace Thackeray), with a Latin translation by Walter
Charles Alan Ker. Printed for private circulation in an edition
of 100 copies. A slightly different version will be found, under the
title "Joe Buggins", in The Gentleman's Spicey Songster [c. 1841],
pp. 35-8.
SHEER PHANTASY
joe muggins's wedding-night
Attributed to Thackeray
Come, list to me: I'll tip you a ditty,
If the time you doesn't grudge,
And, vether it is vise or vitty,
You in course is left to judge!
Vun Joseph Muggins gived a party,
To vich his friends he did inwite
To pass the time, so gay and hearty -
Cos, vy? It vas his vedding night.
They came from Chick Cross and from Cow Cross,
Chicken Alley, and each part;
Some from Duck Lane, some from Brick Lane,
In every sort of wan and cart.
First of all cummed Hookham Snivey,
Vith the werry donkey too,
Vich he used to clean the privy,
As it vas his trade to do.
The clothes they vore - why I can back, it
Equal vas to famed Almack's:
Sam vore his best new flannel jacket,
His welweteens, and ankle-jacks.
Around his vite he had a crape on,
His old voman had gone dead, poor soul!
And then in front he vore a apron,
Acause his breeches had a hole.
Ven they got home they vanted wittels
To fill the wacuum in each tub:
Says Joe: You sees them pots and kittles ?
All on 'em's just chock full of grub!
Then the board he quickly kivers,
And the luxuries of life supplied
With sassengers, and biled cow's-livers,
And taters in nice dripping fried.
The dinner over and off the table,
The lush was brought in, hot and strong:
Says Sam to Poll: I know you're able
Just for to wolunteer a song!
Says Poll: There's many here my betters
At singing; but vy! here goes then
With vat they often writes on shutters,
'Tis often writ with poet's pen.
The Bride now seemed with labour taken:
My eye! how she did kick and toss!
Which made poor Joseph cuss his bacon;
It made him look quite gallus cross.
In course he thought he had been diddled,
Her belly so began to swell -
A pot is brought: nine quarts she piddled;
And then she seemed quite fresh and vell.
Now Hookham, him vat vore the gaiters,
Mizzled, and they thought he'd hupped
To strain the vater off his taters -
What a damn long while he stopped!
The Bride was gone as vel as Snivey;
So arter her Joe downstairs hied,
To find the willain in the privy
Rogering the new-made Bride!
Says Joe: you darned, ungrateful codger!
Coming here my vife to grind:
If you'd given me first roger
Then in course I shouldn't mind!
Says Hookham: I confess with sorrer
My conduct ain't exactly right!
But call round at my place to-morrer -
My old voman's at your service quite!
Now jealousy, like lightning riven,
Through Joe's witals vould have ran -
But, an apology being given,
Vy! he forgave him like a man!
But they took adwantage of the matter:
Set to, and made Joe lushy quite -
And the only cove as wasn't at her
Vas Joe Muggins on his vedding night!
Carmen Priapeium (1896)
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