The Beggar's Bennison (1892)

Robert Waddell
was Shipbuilder at Anstruther and Chief Magistrate

Original Founders                       25

of Kilrenny, He was also a zealous Whi£ and lead-
ing supporter of the General. He likewise repre-
sented his native Burgh of Kilrenny in the General
Assembly. The consequence* of the Bailie is so far
seen to-day in the fine old tenement built by him in
the west end of Cellardyke*

Philip Paton

Merchant arid Bailie in Anstruther j afterwards Comp-
troller of the Customs at Kirkcaldy;

William Leslie Anstruther
assumed (though improperly) the title of Lord Newark*
which by the Patent became extinct at the death of
his grandfather) the second Baron*

Robert Hunter

Clerk df Custom^ was his successor as Chief Magis-
trate at West Anstfuthen

Sir Charles Erskine* Bart.
of Cambo, the devoted friend of Prince Charlie, fell
at the Battle of Laffeldt, 1747.

John McNaughton (or McNachtane)
was Collector of Customs at Anstruther till he was
appointed Inspector General at Edinburgh, where he
latterly resided, and instituted there a Branch of the
Beggar's Benison in 1766.

26                         Original Founders

David Aitkenhead

was Chief Magistrate of West Anstruther. He was
especially active in the interest of General Philip
Anstruther of Airdrie, so unpopular as the one Scot-
tish M.P. who supported Walpole in the attempt to
disfranchise the City of Edinburgh over the Porteous
Mob, The Bailie was one of the best wirepullers of
his day; but here the Whig faction was defeated, for
in the general Election of 1741 the General was
ousted from his seat by Colonel John Stuart, one of
the younger sons of the Earl of Moray.

David Row,

Comptroller of Customs at Anstruther. He was
hanged at Carlisle for his share in the Rising of '45.

James Grahame,

an influential Merchant and Bailie of Anstruther. He
was a man of decision and spirit, and ruled the
Council as with a whip.

NOTA BENE

It has been decided to issue the Account of the
Proceedings at the Meetings of the Society together
with the Excerpts from the Toasts, Bon-mots, Recita-
tions* Stories^ and Songs thereat spouted and sung, as

Mmomanik Society, Anstncther             27

a Supplement to the present Book; for, as may be
judged from the foregoing Historical Sketch of the
Club, they contain matter of considerable coarsenesp.

ANSTRUTHER

In closing this brief description of the " Beggar's
Benison," it may be mentioned that contemporane-
ously with its existence and also succeeding its de-
mise there flourished a Musical Society at Anstruther,
whose Seal will be found facsimiled (number
7) on the Plate of Seals facirtg p. 19 ante, con-
taining at the top the Inscription " Vos O Lauri
Carpctm," at the bottom " Sig. Soc. Muso" and in the
middle a Lyre with an anchor (the Burgh Arms)
sufrounded by a Laufel Wreath and the Words
"Hall of Apollo, Amtrnihcr, 1813."

Hereunder is appended a Copy of the Diploma
granted in the year 1815 by this Society to Sir
Walter Scott.

THE MUSOMANIK SOCIETY,

ANSTRUTHER.

Be rr known to all men, by these Presents, that
Whereas Apollo, the Sovereign Lord of Poetry, hath

28                  Sir Walter Scott's Diploma

by particular Predilection, singled us out from the
Prosaic Herd of Men, to be the special Vessels of his
Illumination, and, in consequence of that Choice, hath,
in his high Benignity, shed a generative Ray upon
the naturally barren Soil of our Pericrahiums, thereby
rendering them exceedingly rich and prolific of Odes*
Ballads, Bouts rimes, Acrostics^ Pastorals, Epic Poems >
fend other Rhythmical Effusions ;

And Whereas, Deeming it unwise and unprofit-
able to dissipate the richness and fecundity of dut
Brains in the vulgar Intercourse with men, We have
Associated ourselves into a Musomanik Society and
Club of Rhymers, in order to enjoy, by reflection
of one another's Fire, the Coruscations of our own
festive minds, by that means truly testing, with the
heightened gust of Sel&Administration, the pleasure
of our Poetical existence :

Further, Whereas considering* that, Gifted as
we are with sharp and penetrating Wisdom, we can
easily Discern the Seal of Apollo Stamped upon the
Forehead of our Elect Harmonist Walter Scott,
Whereby it is evident that the Unshorn God Claims
Him for His Own,—

We, the Vigegbrent Subjects of the said Apolto

Sir Walter Scoffs Diploma                29

In Anstruther, Numbering that of the Nine Muses,
Do Hereby Admit, Legitimate, Enfranchise, and
Inaugurate the Said Walter Scott Into our
Musomanik Society, Brotherhood, and Corps—
Freely Bestowing upoo Him all its Rights and
Privileges ; and Granting Him liberty to Rhyme and
Scribble in what Shape, Manner, and Degree he
Will, whether he be pleased to Soar in the Epopee, to
Sink in the Song, to Puzzle in the Riddle, to Astonish in
the Odes, or to 4 muse and Make Merry with the Bouts
rimes.

Given, Signed, Sealed, and Numbered at The
Hall of Apollo in Anstruther,
the Sixteenth day of March, in
our Third Year of Grace One
Thousand Eight Hundred and Fif>
teen.

No. 37, Charles Gray, Laureate Chief.

Andrew Johnston, Bard.

James Dow, Songster.

Wm, Tennant, Recorder.
L,S, Thomas White, Keeper of Seal and Riband,

Will. Cockburn, Treas.

Matt, F. Conoi,ly, Sec, and Dipl*

30                  Sir Walter Scott's Diploma

Andw. G. Carstairs, Chaplain,
David Rodger, Warden,

SUPPLEMENT to the historical

PORTION OF THE "RECORDS OF THE
MOST ANCIENT AND PUISSANT ORDER
OF THE BEGGAR'S BENISON AND
MERRYLAND, ANSTRUTHER," BEING
AN ACCOUNT OF THE PROCEEDINGS
AT THE MEETINGS OF THE SOCIETY,
TOGETHER WITH EXCERPTS FROM
THE TOASTS, RECITATIONS, STORIES,
BON-MOTS, SPEECHES, AND SONGS
DELIVERED THEREAT

ANSTRUTHER

PRINTED FOR PRIVATE DISTRIBUTION ONLY

MDCCCXCII

|E§SlTHOUGH the existence and partial reve-
j|S§i&$ lations of the unique Beggar's Bcnison were
by tradition handed down to the present day, yet the
King of Terrors and the terror of Kings have never
yet broken faith with the secrets of the unknown
bourne, unwritten for the inquisitive.

Repeatedly, for many years, urgent requests for
information were forwarded anent the transactions of
this aristocratic, yea, Royal hilarious Brotherhood.

Half a truth or untruth is more difficult to combat
and rectify than the entire genuine commodity. So,
this secret Lodge got credit for many exploits which
literally never took place.

Owing to the sparse population of the small Burgh
wherein it originated, there was no supply of wenches,
even if such had been in demand.

The only instance of even a stark exhibition, not

6                      Rev. James Roger

for concubinage, was made known at the Manse of
Dunino, when a bride, from Cellardyke, came with
her bridegroom to be wedlocked by the Rev- James
Roger, the Minister of that Parish, who was a
character in his generation. He turned night into
day in his studies, never going to bed until cock-
crowing, summer nor winter. He wore the most
expensive superfine black cloth,—his coat being of
swallow-tail fashion. Around his neck was wound an
enormous choker or table-cloth, under which he
buried his chin. Hence he was soubriqueted " lite
British Linen Co." He was the last in Fife who pow-
dered his hair. He had an only son, the late Rev.
Dr- Charles Roger (or, as he preferred, Rogers), of
Wallace Monument and Grampian Club fame, who
was greatly concerned about the ultimate destiny of
the "B.B." He narrated that he perfectly remember-
ed, whilst a boy of 14, the appearance of the above-
mentioned Marriage-party at his father's Manse,
distant from Anstruther about six miles by road and
about four miles from the ancient city of St. Andrews,
formerly the archiepiscopal metropolis of Scotland.

In a rural Scotch Parish a Wedding is of rare and
extraordinary occurrence. On this occasion it got
wing among the Parishioners that the Bride was a

Novelists and Dramatists                    7

heroine, and after the knot was tied, and at the de-
parture for home, some covetous damsel shouted :—
" Ah! ah ! that's the B-t-h that shewed her hairy
C— and A— to the gentlemen of the Beggar's Beni-
son for Five Shillings."

The present private Type of the yearly revelry of
this Company is not meant to pander to prurience,
but to register the convivial manners and customs of
the Nobility and Land-owners in the 18th century,—
where they convened in a remote out-of-the-way
corner in the East Neuk of the Kingdom of Fife.

The limited restriction of the volume prevents any
opined pimping, inasmuch as it is solely intended
for Antiquaries.

Our most eminent novelists, dramatists, and phy-
siologists indulge in the double entente. The popular
inimitable effusions of Robert Burns, the Scottish
National Bard, and the exquisite Plays of Will.
Shakespere superabound in verbiage not to be quoted
in the presence of the fair sex, nor for " ears polite ";
albeit such are published broadcast. What would be
the feelings of some recherche individuals in hearing
some passages of "Tristx*am Shandy," a book to be
picked up on every book-stall ? Classic authors
(Horace especially) are read as Text-books at schools

8                           Scottish Preachers

and colleges for the education of youth. Our entire
English literature,—even the Bible itself and por-
tions of the Book of Common Prayer,—are not lit for
public nor family reading. Who could read before
ladies the plain language scattered so profusely
through the Books of Moses and elsewhere ?

There has been published from time to time, since
1789, "Scotch Presbyterian Eloquence Displayed"—a
small volume of 159 pages, shewing the style of
Preaching which prevailed in Scotland at the era
when the " B.B." Association was founded. From
the Letters of Samuel Rutherford quoted therein,
the sequel is culled :—" O that I had my fill of
Christ's love! But I know that ill manners make an
uncouth and strange bridegroom. . . I confidently
believe that there is a bed made for Christ and me,

and that we shall take our fill of love in it.....

A kiss of Christ blown over his shoulder,—the paring
and crumbs of glory under his table in heaven,—a
shower, like a thin May mist, of His love, would
make me green, sappy, and joyful."—Sect. III.
Chap. L Page 98 : *' Mr. William Guthrie, preaching
on Peter's confidence, said,—Peter, sirs, was as stal-
wart a fellow as ever had cold iron at his arse, and
yet a hussy with a rock [distaff] feared him."—An*

Scottish Preachers                            g

other Calvinist preacher, inveighing against the
gaudiness of women, spake thus : " Behold the vanity
of women, look to them. You'll see first a satin
petticoat; lift that, there is a tabby one; lift that,
there is a holland smock ; lift that, and there you will
see what they ought not to be proud of—a no very
cleanly spectacle ! Eve (quoth he) was not so vain ;
she covered her ahem with fig-leaves,"—In Perth one
of the Knox-Rabbis preaching, a little before the
Battle of Killiecrankie, delivered himself thus: "Aha!
my beloved, there are not so many towns in all this
muckle county as could hang auld Sawny Satan.
Besides, he's as light as a feather. What, then, will
you do with him,—for he will not hang ? Then some
of you will say, we will drown him. Humph/ my
beloved, there is too much cork in his arse ; he's as
supple as an eel,—he'll not sink." — Mr. Shiels,
preaching at Borthwick, in Roxburghshire, said :—
" Many have religion the day, but will have none the
morn: their religion is soon gone, like a hot lass's
virginity."—One Mr. Strange, in Berwick, preaching
on Acts II. 37, before several ladies of the best
quality, said : " Well now, I doubt not but that
several of you who have come in late have been too
long this holy morning kicking against the pricks. Ye

io                           Artists, &c.

ought to think shame of yourselves for so doing.
Others of you have come here to get a prick of the
gospel x I fear few of you as yet have gotten a prick,
—but some of you may get a prick within a short
time." Seeing some smothering their laughter, he
continued: " Sirs, do not be evil-thoughted, do not
take me up wrong. It is not a natural prick I mean,
but a prick at the heart. I mean not the pricks of
the flesh, but the pricks of the spirit,-—even the sweet
prick of conscience."—At Lilliesleaf, in Teviotdale, a
Mr, Hogg, in an extemporary prayer, fervently spoke
thus ; " Lord, here's a great hantle of bonny, braw,
well-fac'd cummers before Thee this morning of Thy
day: come down, good Lord, and hobble upon their
lily-white wames, and get them full of the bairn of
grace. O, for a long Play-day with Christ."

Nude figures are unconsciously drawn by the
Boarding-school misses and others studying the
graceful poses of the Divine image and form, pour-
trayed by the noblest masters of art. Photos and
Pictures of the highest classic talent are vended and
pricelessly treasured.

Probably we should never desire to see ourselves,
as others behold us, a second time; and this would

Beggar's Benison                        II

likely be the case with those combined in this
felicitous Confraternity of the " B.B." who have all
long ago gone to the Unknown;

NOTES

TAKEN OF THE PROCEEDINGS AT THE
SOCIETY'S HALF-YEARLY MEETINGS

^I733» St. Andrew's Day. 16 present. The engen-
dering of Toads ; The menstruation of Skate ;
and The gender of an Earthworm. Arcana
shewn. Chambers shut in the usual form by
our Sovereign.

1734. Candlemas. 13 Knights present. Chamber
tyled at 3 o'clock, and opened in due manner.
One Feminine Gender, 17, was hired for One
Sovereign, fat and well - developed. She
stripped in the Closet, nude ; and was allowed
to come in with face half-covered. None was
permitted to speak to or touch her. She spread
wide upon a Seat, first before and then behind :
every Knight passed in turn and surveyed the
Secrets of Nature. Afterwards the Sovereign

14                   Proceedings of the Society

closed the Chambers, after Repast in the ac-
customed form. Secresy enjoined upon faith.
1734, Lammas. 18 assembled^ and Frigged upon
the Test Platter. The origin and perform-
ance were discussed. The Platter was filled
with Semen, each Knight at an average did not
" benevolent" quite a horn spoonful.

1734.    St. Andrew's Day. 24 present and 4 Novices
tested and frigged, Betty Wilson, 15, was
hired, but a bad model and unpleasant. Re-
solved against such another row.

1735.    Candlemas. 19 assembled. Enjoyable with
Songs and Sights. One forgetful Knight had
to be escorted out. The Hen for Banquet
being full of Eggs was discussed philosophic-
ally. The Knights revealed their knowledge
of the Secrets of Nature.

1735.    St. Andrew's Day. 24 present. Every Penis
exhibited and compared by erection and frig-
discharge, 3 Novices were tested. A girl of
15 appeared nude for a few minutes: she
shewed herself satisfactorily and was engaged
for next Assembly.

1736.    Candlemas, Usual Banquet at 3. Not a very

Proceedings of the Society                  15

agreeable Assembly, owing to several Knights
turning insubordinate.

1736.    St. Andrew's Day. Very good turn out: 2
Novices tested. Jane Bowman behaved well;
a capital form of humanity. The Knights
compared notes as usual, and dissolved about
3 o'clock a.m.

^I737* Candlemas. 13 present; exhibited and anim-
adverted. Two girls, 16 and 17, posed, exhi-
bited, and danced nude. Nothing inharmoni-
ous.

1737.    St. Andrew's Day. 24 met, 3 tested and en-
rolled. All frigged. The Dr. expatiated.
Two nymphs, 18 and 19, exhibited as hereto-
fore. Rules were submitted by Mr. Lumsdaine
for future adoption. Fanny Hill was read.
Tempest. Broke up at 3 o'clock a.m.

1738.    Candlemas. 19 remained to Banquet, after the
customary Salutations by all the Knights.
Margt. Latty came at 6, and had to be dis-
missed. Several members got combative,
when stricter Regulations were passed in order
for proper and subordinate behaviour in all

i6                      Manuscripts Destroyed

time coming. A Seal and Diploma were
draughted.

N.B.—All Notes and Memoranda lost from this
date until 1806; when another 4to vol. briefly re-
corded Proceedings, and was eventually destroyed by
M. F. Conolly. The old Bell and Hour Glass used
at these Meetings still exist; but there is no trace of
any surviving MS. of the "Grace" said at the
Banquets.

DINNER SENTIMENTS,

BON-MOTS, TOASTS, &c, COLLECTED FROM

SCRAPS WRITTEN IN INK AND PENCIL,

DATED FROM 1732 to 1820.

Plough straight and win the ridge.

It seems a thing to wonder on.

A "Standing" Order, " Same again all round."

Nature abhors a Vacuum.

Juno ! how came it cloven ? Why, you know it is
not that yet, until the Wedge is put in; 'tis
only dimpled.

A Promontory perilous to Touch !

The Path of Rectihide : Fierce not Feeble.

As we are now enclosed in our Castle of Dreel, let
our multiform Drills be now turned out for
Drill on our Merry Island. Sovereign, Com-
mand ! A trophy of Arms is at the bottom of
our individual O-aks,—and over the Trophy is
Mom VenerisJ

i8                    Dinner Sentiments, &c.

In we go and take our chance.

The same Old Thing over again.

The Hole in the Shutter of the Castle of Dreel.

The Beggar's Benison,—the Ramrod Corps!

The School wherein we learnt to Ride.

We meet in secret—doubly sweet,
Oh ! Castle Dreel! our bower to greet.
With Nature's gift of youth and health
We pine and long to come by stealth.

Alas ! how easily things go wrong!
A C--t too moist or a P—k too strong :
Yet who from F—king would refrain,
Let things be never the same again ?

The Prick of Conscience.

Rum Holes in Jamaica. (Lord Kellie's toast.)

Here's to the speedy She-Mason, who can so nimbly
take out first the Mortar, and then throw
down the Steeple, without injuring the Stones.

Firm Erection, fine Insertion, excellent Distillation,
no Contamination.

May our Bald-headed Hermit, when he enters his
Cell, fervently pour forth his Essence of De-
votion,

Any Port in a Storm.

Dinner Sentiments, &c.                   19

The Anvil lasts longer than the Hammer—the only
Consolation the Undermost has !

Once entered in Port and Anchored, no fear then of
Shipwreck.

A Puzzle for a Maiden : Sea, Ewe, Hen, Tea.

Three Qualities in a proper Woman:—Well-hipped,
well-breasted, easy mounted.

No Thing in Nature is both beautiful and small. It
is beautiful when firm and erect in proportion
to the size of the surrounding Landscape.
Colours also enhance the effect.

What is the greatest Curiosity in the world ? A
Woman's I

I lie upon the naked Thing of Love.

A Pushing Man of Business,—Make both Ends meet.

Never be surprised at any Thing.

Navel Battles! Midnight Campaigns! Success
doubtful! Engagement perpetual!

The Sentiment of the Pittenweem Friars:—"Friction
comes, because we all want the Joys of the
front Dormitory ; for, after saying, / I believe
in God,' we end for the night with the
Resurrection of the Flesh I" Given as a Toast
by David Anstruther, at the annual Banquet
in 1743.

20                     Dinner Sentiments, &c.

Before we break up for the season, let us each shew
the best Article for propagating Truth.

A " Maggie Lauder" Anster School Idyll, for

"The Beggar's Benison."
Ram it in. Jam it in.

Still there's more to follow:

Calculus and Mathematics. Bang it in.
Slam it in. What were we made for ?
Rhetorics and Hydrostatics. Hoax it in.
Coax it in. Rub it in.
Club it in. Scold it in.
Drive it in. Mould it in. Hold it in.
Still there's more to follow.

Those who've passed the furnace through,
With powers done, will tell to you
How the Teacher crammed it in,
Pressed it in, caressed it in,
When inside was hollow !

At our Initiation into the Beggar's Benison, when
the Sough Horn sounds, we have warning to
view the motions of the Tested.

Courage is the Starch in the Collar of Success and
Enjoyment.

A fellow with an expensive case for holding his Fly

Dinner Sentiments, &c.                   21

Rod, may, on opening out, have lots of Fun
Fishing; but the Cove with the rustic primit-
ive Wand and the Bag of Worms, gets the
Trouts!

At the Initiation of a Sovereign B.B.—Toast: Nisbet's
" Heraldry" is about to be Undertaken.

Be sure to leave behind you a good Impression.

The Radical Moisture from the Female Cave; the
open space for Cupid's Rudder; the fine
Sheath for the bold Dagger.

"That's a fair thought, to lie between a maid's legs.¹'
(Hamlet.)

" Young men will do't, if they come to't,

By Cock, they are to blame." (Hamlet.)

Made (Maid) of penetrable stuff! Oh ! such a deed
from the body of contraction plucks the very
soul." (Hamlet.)

" Touching her's makes happy my rude hand."

" Tempering extremities with extreme sweet."

How red, how moist, how round, how hot, how stiff,
how nut-brown and Dissolving!

Ovid is the surest Guide
You can name, to shew the way

To any Juvenile or Bride,
Who astride can't Ride A splay.

22                     Dinner Sentiments, &c.

Soft desire and gentle pain.
'Tis ours to love and by surprise to gain.
The Pitch to all ages Nature makes well-known,
Which sticks us both when toiling with one Oar alone.
Entombed we lie, but when crowned we reign.
Arms beneath, near to the spot, and on the moun-
tain's base.
Semper Paratus—Always ready—Cunctando I

We all well understand the Call,
But have not always Wherewithal*

We, to be strong, must put off every dress:—
The fittest armour is our nakedness.

It's very easy to Talk, but not so to Do ;—
Higher up, Skylark, hardest tasks you'll subdue.

Don't grasp at too much at a time, or you'll find, to

your cost, that the (w)hole will be lost.
Forbidden Fruit! Who does not thirst for it ?
•' If I rest, I rust." (German Proverb.)
K-not-With-Standing,—A Bachelor's Bore!

"Bonnie Maggie, Braw Maggie, Bonnie Maggie

Lauder!
She pisht upon the puir folk and farted on her

faither!"
*—Sung standing by the whole Legion of Honour,

Dinner Sentiments, &c.                   23

after dinner discussed. The Discussion was lost in
a burst of laughter at the indelicacy of the sentiment.
" Innergelly" called for a supper of Shceps* Heads at
eight o'clock; "Cambo" seconded,—-"Apart from
egotism, and present company always excepted,—
Skeeps¹ Heads for ever /"

Sir Charles Erskine's Art-Toasts, ordered to
be kept up and copied :

" Hitherto, in our Order of Merryland, and
within our Castle of Dreel, always carefully fenced
and fortified, we have often and frequently produced
the mutual capacity for the chiefest and greatest of
all natural A rt. The results in some are allowed to
be visibly achieved, as an earnest of still greater
success in the future ; but, in others of us, the seed
is sown, while we had rather pray for a downright
bad or no Harvest, In fact, we prefer to this latter,
only sheer Landscape. We only desire won recognition,
to be highly appreciated and intelligently studied as
facts significant, artistically and dexterously deliver-
ed, according to the technical tradition of our intelli-
gent forefathers from Abraham, Solomon, and David
—onwards, upwards, and downwards, To and Fro."

Let us often gaze on the varied inspiriting

24                     Dinner Sentiments, &c.

Nooks of out East Neuk in the Town o' Maggie
Lauder. As we meet, chiefly at our annual Survey,
ideas are produced to be thrown into the common
good* We all admire the Transformation-scenes ex*
hibited at each initiation of our several novices, which
are lost, for the nonce, until they reappear at next
installation. Again they vanish, till, at next oppor-
tune sederunt, new lights appear, which, year by year_f
become the brighter for the more frequent and careful
snuffing.

Bishop Low (after he became Bishop) had his
name obliterated by Mr, Conolly from the Records.
One of his jokes remains. Sic : "Jenny Brodie was
caught one evening in autumn behind the door of
josh's Hen House, by the Milk-woman, who started
back, exclaiming;—' Lord ! wha's there ?'—' Ow ! It's
me: I'm seekin' a Hen.' Old Josh happened to be
Stepping about, and hearing the colloquy, nettled up
and rejoined, *Ah! ye het bitch, ye're no seeking a
Hen~ye^yre seekin' a Cock /'"

An AnsTer Sentiment.—A tiny Boat with Prow of
perfect Ruby; whose shape assumes, in swell
and concavity, a single Pearl, and whose
Rudder is a Strmd of Ivory*

Dinner -Sentiments, &c.                   25

" Boys will be boys, and men will be men,"

As the lassie said to the laddie,
When they saw what the Cock did to the Hen.

"Alas ! " sighed Jenkinson, " to think that I, who
am such a lover of Nature, should discover,,
after my marriage, I am indissolubly wedded
to a mere Fart of Art,—neither adapted for
Fire nor Wire. Anatomists say that we
change entirely every seven years. Lord ! am
I to wait all that time until this narrow con-
traction opens up ?"

A Crab does not crawl backward. It is but made
that way : it is going forward all the time. So
be we all like crabs, while on move.

Are your Barometers conical on the top ?

What did the paper weight for ? And why did the
ink stand, and the pen rack ?

Hymeneal incompatibilities, as a speciality carefully
adjusted :—Tis slavery to detain the hand.
when the quint won't work from aridity; for
there's many a smoke with no tobacco!

Love only shall be current coin; and that let us
lavish to acquire our ends.

The Play's the Thing*

26                   Dinner Sentiments, &c.

The ecstacy of Love is when the Gum oozes from the

Fir-tree,

If you inoculate, both will relish the pox.
Let us hold up our trousers of despair with the

braces of hope.

Stand stane-stili before riding.
Handle her gently and privately. Go darkly to work

with her. That's the way in the Indicative

mood; for, women are light at midnight, and,

as time floats on, always at cock-crowing, hot as

an oven.

Thus, ever, ever may we stick like pitch,
Pitch, pitch, pitch,—Pitch, pitch, pitch !
Maids turned Bottles cry aloud for Corks.—(Rape of

the Lock, Cant 4.)

The more we give, the more is still required.
A smacking Buss—No Words.

Here use thy point, here try thy shocks,

Let this thy sharpest fury feel.
Query—Can the sighs of lovers indicate the size of

both Indicators ? Only the Contents.
An old Tory Toast for Bridegrooms :—Let there be

no Screw loose in the Cabinet.
First and Last Initiation—Bolt upright.
Sane Counsel—Tact is a Great Thing.

Dinner Sentiments, &c.                   27

A Brief Play.

Q. May I ? A. No. — Q. Really ? A. Oh! — Q.
Shall I ? A. Ah !—Q. There ! is it in ? A.
Yes, dear. Oh! How delightful! Oh!
Oh! I am quite exhausted. Don't take it
out. Is that all ? How soon it is over ! I
am quite in a deluge. How wet you make
me I

Query-—Is it better to support a Wife the first night,
or that the Wife should support you ?

Answer—All depends upon circumstances.

There is a great deal in the truth that " a man can
go no farther than his Wife will Let him."

Query—When is a Bridegroom like a Ship ?

Answer—When he rides over the bounding Wave*

Query—Sense in a short sentence for the Night?
Mouth shut, Quint open !

Sent in a Snuff Box to Miss Patullo, of Balhowffie.
" Think when you ope this treasure from your

lover,

Yourself s the Bottom, and that I'm the Cover."
Query—Why is a young Belle like a Fiddle ?
Answer—Because she needs a Beau to Play upon
her.

28                     Dinner Sentiments, &c.

Why are women as a rule in-kneed ? Because Neces-
sity demands satisfaction.

Query—Do you know what Musical Instrument gives
a Miss of 19 the highest satisfaction ?

Answer—A Flute, high-pitched and tightly held.

Query—What is the best Article in the Bed of the
Ocean of Love ?

Answer—A Woman's; for she is the SA^-Anchor.

What grows bigger the more you contract it ?

Query—Why is a Frig worth a difficult F«k ?

Answer—Just because " a bird in the hand is worth
two in the bush/¹

The swell will die away in delicious distillation, in
suffocation, and transformation* Rather than
fail, the touch of her fingers will rectify your
stallion for the plunges to come. The titil-
lating squeezes wedge well!

The Harbour of Refuge and the Fisherman's Port.
Hide and seek at the close of the day.
Courtship Dialogue.

Nymph. My dear, let me look through your Tele-
scope ? What a long one !

Swain. Yes, my darling. Pull it out. That's not the
way* You will twist it.

Dinner Sentiments, Sc.                    29

Nymph. You pull it out, dear ! How nice, now ! I
see through it so far; but it is heavy to hold.

Swain. This one is better. It's a swell affair.

Nymph. Oh ! how curious ! How it magnifies while
I hold it! It discovers my real feelings and
thoughts. Oh! I can neither sit nor stand.
I have got so funny and nervous.

Swain. My darling, lie down, then, beside me !

Benediction.

May we all have grace and power to improve our
Natural Parts and with our magic Rods sound
where hidden treasures may be found. Also,
as Knights Errant of the Beggar's Benison,
let us draw our Rapiers when fallen on the
carpet. But, before action, may we all strive,
with much Self-Examihation, to forecast our
Commodities, so as to prove fit Vessels. Shun
we all Bellies that are like to swell, dowdy
Drabs with arse-shaped breasts, and pert
Punks that mar the Play.
There's danger in Touching—so Beware !
But even an Archangel could not shun the snare,
it is so bewitching.

Let Benison Cocks, like some of our Corks, never
appear in poor spirits: because the Cock is

30                     Dinner Sentiments, &c.

the fulcrum of all Forces to and fro, up and
down, back and fore.

Maidenhead Bridge,

It's pleasant to steer with a girl by your side,
Where the Coxswain stands erect for the tide*
Never heed Rowers steering the opposite way;
Steer you through the Arch with the pillars asplay*
You will soon hear the Echo from Coxswain to crew,
Ah! Oh ! Oh ! Oh ! How delightful this View!
A Sigh was the Echo of Maidenhead Bridge,
A------ was the Echo of Maidenhead Bridge!

An old Light Burgher, strictly brought up, fancied a
brisk widow of the same persuasion; and
both were joined in wedlock. They were
watched and overheard the first night. When
they were under the blankets, the Bridegroom
prayed the Lord to direct him ; when the ex-
perienced Bride rejoined-—" The Lord streng-
then you; but / will direct you !"

Ah ! Ornament that decks a Thing Divine!

The politest Article which a Lady can receive.

May the Test of a Woman's Heart stand the Test,
i.e., the Touchstone of the Metal.

Connubial Bliss : " Hard and Fast."

Dinner Sentiments, &C.                   31

Never object to Coin because it is Tight.

Keep him too long in, and he becomes a Cipher.

The Bent of our Inclinations is always crooked.

" There's no Loss but there's some Profit," quoth the

Lass when her Maiden-Head broke.
" That's a stunning affair," quoth the Damsel when

she was hard pushed.

Query—What is the Spring-time of life ? Answer by
Andrew Johnston : " Our Dancing days.'*—
Rejoinder by Wm. Aytoun : " By my faith—
my wife said last nicht—Willie, we hae danc-
ed lang alow the blankets, and ye're noo a
fashionless decvil; for yere mid leg has nae
spring."—Ordered to be noted by the Recorder,
B.B.

Instructions in Riding: " If you cannot stay on the
bare back, by reason of the kicking and plung-
ing, then secure your seat in the saddle, and
try posting between a pair of shafts !"

May our Friction-Match come up to the Scratch.

Query—Can we repress a Need of Nature ?

Answer—Former transpirations only whet the fleshly
yearnings. Oh ! her rounded bust; the smell
of her intoxicating feminine odour, burning in

32                     Dinner Sentiments, &c.

perspiration from her amorous shape for
mutual shy gratification ; an Archangel could
not but feel his Sinews stiffened with fierce
desire to be suffocated within the yawning
Chasm. We were both dying for it!

Did you hear that little Flute-like sound ? Yes. It
has a choking smell of gunpowder. Let the
Door be opened for Ventilation,

Overheard First Night.—"Ah! My woman,
somebody has been Cooking your Goose before
me ?" " Verra weel, Sawney, you'll get the
RoasHn' o%"

Female Brigade;—Stand and Deliver.

ESSAYS

The Male Organs of Generation,

Read at ike Conference, St. Andrew's Day, 1813,
by M.D.

EPS!HE Penis or Yard is composed of the extremity,
BUsI the body, and the root.

The Extremity or Glaus Penis—Glans is a Latin
word signifying chestnut from its similarity of shape
—is of a somewhat conical shape, rather flattened
from above downwards, and of a deep red colour—
resembling that of the Nut, as noticed, whence it
takes its name—" The Nut of the Yard." The skin
or hood which covers the nut or glans is the prepuce
or foreskin, which the Jews and Mahomedans cut off
in circumcision. Sometimes it is necessary to incise
the foreskin in adults who have it so tight that it
could not be drawn back without great pain in full
erection of the penis. The use of the foreskin is to
keep the glans soft and moist, in order to give it

34                              Essays read

sensitiveness,—although in full manhood it usually
extends but little, and never during erection, over
the point of the penis. We have all noses, hands,
ears, toes, fingers, &c, and all differ, such is the pro-
digious variety in nature. This dissimilitude is also
manifest in the organs of generation, male and female,
no two being exactly alike among the millions that
populate the world. A penis of five or six inches,
the average length, is a good development, propor-
tionate in mathematical circumference, — tapering
from the root to the nut,—the best shape for de-
flowering a virgin. The male organ differs much in
size, especially in men of small stature and fools. So
some females far exceed in capacity mothers who
have had large families, especially when addicted to
the common trick of using their fingers, which three-
fourths of males and females practise, as the most
handy way of allaying their cravings.

The contrivance is termed " Onanism," and is
denounced as fostering insanity with other ills ; but
this was not what Onan was punished for, nor can
the moderate use physically cause these evils any
more than the immoderate acts in the natural way,
albeit, " let all things be done decently and in order/'
It is only a breach of nature.

at the Society's Meetings                  35

At the extremity or tip of the penis is a small
orifice or vertical slit, (all our Holes are of this shape—-
Vesica Piscis or oval) the commencement of the urethra
or passage leading to the bladder, and from which
the semen and urine are discharged. Extending
downwards from this slit is a slightly elevated ridge,
called by anatomists in this and other situations a
RaplUy which gradually merges into a more prominent
and tangible Cord—the Bridle or Frcenum—from its
reining in or checking in some measure the full exten-
sion of the penis when erected,—sometimes to an
extent requiring the division of the cord.

The Base of the Glam is surrounded (except on
the lower side, down which the Frcenum passes), by a
projecting collar, called the Corona or Crown of the
glans, in the hollow of which, and especially in the
neighbourhood of the froenum, are minute glands
(Glandule Odorifera) which give out a fluid having a
fishy scent. This lubricates the parts, but unless
washed off hardens into a curd and smells.

The Body of the penis consists, on the top and
sides, of two cellular bodies (Corpora Cavernosa), and
below, of another, somewhat analogous in structure,
the Corpus Spungiosnm; immediately above which
latter passes the Urethra or pipe, beginning at the

36                              Essays read

neck of the bladder, from which it receives the urine
and is continued to the end of the yard,—about a
foot in length. The Corpora Cavernosa and the Corpus
Spungiosum are composed of erective tissue,—a sort of
network of cells and veins, a cross section of which
would somewhat resemble a honeycomb. When the
yard is in a state of repose, these veins are collapsed
and empty: when erect, a rush of blood is supplied
by the capillaries of the arteries,—the part is filled to
repletion, and a stiff erection of the whole penis is
the result.

(There is a wonderful adaptation of the parts to
these functions. If the yard were perpetually in a
position of erection, it could not possibly escape
injury and derision, negative to its beautiful pur-
poses ; for love and veneration are our highest ex-
quisite passions. In our whole frame, a glance, a
thought, a touch, the merest transient effort of im-
agination can call up the ready instrument of our
desires, and endow it with a power indispensable.)

The Body of the penis is enveloped in a loose,
moveable skin, admirably adapted to increase the
pleasure of the female by admitting of almost un-
limited friction, without abrasion of the skin, which
would be the result were the construction otherwise.

at the Society's Meetings                  37

The Root of the penis spreads out into a broad
base firmly connected by two strong processes to the
front and side bones of the pelvis, and held up to the
conjunction of those bones in front by a fibrous
membrane called the suspensory ligament.

The Testicles are two glandular organs, about the
size of pigeons' eggs, suspended to the abdomen by
the spermatic cord, and are wrapped in a bag
called the scrotum,—composed of two layers, the
integument and a proper covering (the Dartos). The
first is extremely thin, and partially covered with
hair : the latter is a thin layer of peculiar contractile
tissue, between muscular fibre and elastic tissue.

The Sperm Cords connect the testicles with the
interior of the abdomen:—they are composed of
arteries, veins, nerves, &c, and pass through the in-
guinal canal on either side. The substance of the
testicles consists of numerous lobules, comprising
innumerable small tubes, which are connected by
several ducts to a body extending from top to bottom
of the testicle on its outer and posterior border, and
which can be felt as a sort of excrescence on the
stone. The convoluted tubes which from this organ
terminate in a single tube or duct (called the Vas
Deferens) serve as a passage for the semen from the

38                              Essays read

testicles to two glands or reservoirs situated on either
side of the base of the bladder where the semen is
perfected and remains ready for use.

The Seed or semen is a secretion formed in the
body of the testicles, from the blood supplied to the
part by the spermatic artery. In the healthy subject
it is of a rather thick consistence, somewhat resem-
bling thick French starch, and possesses a peculiar
piscatorial scent. The seed contains living animals of
a tadpole shape, which may be seen through a micro-
scope moving freely about through the fluid.

The Act 0/Generation has to be performed under
the mutual adaptability of the parts of both sexes.
Three-fourths of women stigmatised as barren owe
their condition to the worn-out or " indiscreet*' state
of the male, who is the procreative or active agent.

The penis being fully erected and rendered in-
tensely rigid by the distention of its vessels, the
female organs being also in a high state of excitement,
the clitoris erected, and the whole erectile tissue of
the nymphse and vagina distended with blood, so as
considerably to contract the passage, and thereby to
increase the pleasure of the male,—the male organ is
introduced between the external lips and nymphse.

Arriving at the virgin entrance to the vagina,

at the Society's Meetings                  39

more or less difficulty is the first time experienced in
perforating the hymen or maidenhead, which, if it
straitens the passage to any considerable extent, is an
act attended with pain and effusion of blood to the
female. This is termed " Deflowering a Virgin."
Owing to fear, or shyness, or moroseness, some men
have not performed the marriage act with their
wives until three nights after the wedlock-knot was
tied. On the other hand the first night is often one
series of embraces, even to six or eight times, if the
desire is mutually strong—for the least temper or
unpleasantness on one side will instantly mar the
greatest pleasure in the world and cause only disgust.
(One of the four things which lecherous King
Solomon declares in his Book of Proverbs to
" Know not ^M is " The way of a man with a maid.'*
His concubines numbered one thousand, and,
withal, he was obtuse on that head.) When male
and female are of full development, the pain, however
severe to the female, is merged in the rapture of the
moment, by the in-and-out movement of the male
organ, according to natural order and instinct until the
crisis is reached, when the male organ voids or ejects
its seed,—generally accomplished in two or three
minutes after coition commences. The female is

40                              Essays read

equally excited with the male in gratification, holding
him close to her, her inward lips or labia pressing
gently the penis.

Generation is effected in two ways,—by the
medium of seeds or eggs, and by that of offsets. It
has been supposed that there may be a third way,
viz. that of the union of seminal particles furnished
equally by the male and female, without the inter*
vention of eggs.

All Plants are supposed to be propagated by eggs
or seeds, and many by offsets. Some of the intes*
tinal worms are of this description,—such as the
Fluke_r which is also oviparous, the ovaries being
placed laterally. The Earth- Worm propagates its kind
by a similar organization; also the Lamprey, the
Barnacle, and the Conger~Eel.

The Garden-Snail is hermaphrodite, but is incap-
able of breeding singly. In order to accomplish this,
it is necessary that one individual should copulate
with another, the male organ of each uniting with the
female, and the female with the male, by which
means both become impregnated. A single impreg-
nation is capable of producing, in some animals,,
several generations in succession. The common
Cock and Hen are an instance of this ; for, by a single

at the Society's Meetings                   41

act of copulation, fecundity is given to as many eggs
as will produce a whole brood. A similar fact is ob-
servable in many Insects-—d, single impregnation being
sufficient for six or seven generations.

A curious fact has been noticed regarding the
Queen-Bee. She performs a journey through the air
for the purpose of generation, where she meets with
the male insect and copulation is effected. In about
half an hour after, she returns to the hive; and this
single impregnation it is said fecundates all the eggs
she will produce during the ensuing two years, some
say her whole life. Other naturalists repudiate all this;
maintaining that Drones impregnate the Queen, and
that a thousand are needed for this operation,
which accomplished, they " shuffle off this mortal
coil."

The greater number of Fishes have no external
organs of generation, and to all appearance have no
sexual connexion. The female spawns, or casts forth
her ova (known by the term of " hard roe") at a cer*
tain season of the year, in shallow water, where it is
exposed to the sun's rays. It is said that the male
passes over it, and discharges his sperm or milt
(called " soft roe"), which intermingling,, by the aid of
the sun's heat a numerous shoal of fishes is the result.

42                               Essays read

A few, as the shark, skate, &c, have visible organs of
generation; and although no actual connexion can
be proved, there is every reason to suppose that
pairing takes place. Salmon, sturgeon, and some
other fishes migrate many hundred miles in order to
deposit their spawn in fresh water streams* Frogs
procreate in a very similar manner to fishes.

It is curious to observe how variously the
organs of generation in some animals are situated. In
the female Dragon-fly the vagina is situated near the
breast. In the Maw-worm the young are brought
forth from a small opening below the head. In the
Snail the vulva is placed near the neck. The gener-
ative organs of the male spider are at the extremity
of the antennae. The Tapeworm throws off its young
from its joints. Some Plants bear their flowers on
the edge of their leaves.

In most animals which procreate only once a
year, the testes are found exceedingly small during
the months when not under excitement, In the
winter season the testes of the sparrow are no larger
than a pin's head, whilst in spring they are enlarged
to the size of a hazel-nut.

In man the testes, before birth, are situated in
the abdomen, from whence they descend, in the

at the Society's Meetings                  43

seventh or eighth month, into the scrotum. Some-
times the testes do not descend for six or seven
years after birth, and occasionally there are cases
where one or both testes have been retained in the
abdomen; yet in some cases this has been no
hindrance to procreation, while in others there is
evidence to the contrary.

The female Ovaria may be regarded as holding a
similar office to the testes in the male, and were for-
merly called ** female testes,¹¹ as they contain the
necessary parts for the production of the human
being.

The age of puberty is attained by women one or
two years earlier than by men ; and at an earlier age
by those inhabiting warm climates. In the hot
regions of America, Asia, and Africa, girls arrive at
puberty, or shedding their monthly courses, as early
as nine or ten years of age; in the colder parts, as
France or England, about fourteen or fifteen; and in
Sweden, Denmark, and Russia, even two or three years
later. But even in infancy the sexual organs in both
sexes may stand and extend, as mothers and nurses
can testify.

The Act of Generation

The Sequel was delivered by James Lumsdaine of

Siratharthie, Parish of Dekins, 1753.

Dreel Castle, Anstruiher.

jj^HOVEREIGN AND KNIGHTS,—The Motto
Bfe?l upon the Medals which at this 14th Anniver-
sary of our revived Order we now wear is " Be fruitful
and Multiply" That is a Divine command too well and
minutely obeyed. Surely we are not enjoined to en-
gender living plagues. If nature had provided us
with the desire for sexual intercourse merely for the
purpose of procreation, I ask,—Is it likely that she
would have been so lavish in continuing our enjoy-
ment after this object had been accomplished ? If the
operation were only intended for procreation, would
not once a year have been the maximum of our con-
nubial embraces ? At this annual Assembly we have
only two unfortunate Eunuchs, for the Kingdom of
Heaven's sake, so that this is a small exception to

46                               Essays read

the others of us who obey the Divine injunction. But
to return from this interjection. Nature has been a
hundred times more bountiful in her exquisite endow-
ment ; and it becomes us to enjoy the great gift with
thanksgiving,—without, after experience shews us,
being the means of bringing into this world offspring
deformed, consumptive, diseased or idiotic. A kind
charity surely in these circumstances requires us to
relinquish our privileges as husbands and not produce
any more such objects. For we can exist in the full
enjoyment of the mystic union without procreating
such spectacles of woe. There are several checks,
some of which are doubtful; but what I am about to
avouch is certain of accomplishment and success. It
consists in the Male, just previous to the flow of the
vital spoonful, entirely withdrawing his Organ and
placing it between his own abdomen and that of his
consort. Sexual connexion, we all know, is effected
by the Male, who is the active agent, putting his
Penis in full erection into the Vagina of the Fe-
male, who is the "passive voice," as we say in
Grammar. By the in - and - out motion of his
organ, the Semen or seed is emitted, causing the
most intense delight both to Giver and Receiver. The
two sexes may gratify each other without dangerous

at the Society's Meetings                  47

consequences, if the Male be sufficiently cautious to
withdraw entirely and not partially from the Female
just at the instant when the Semen is about to come
out. Many, in being too eager, mar the connubial
bliss, and spill even before penetrating at all. The
playing and dallying beforehand augment the union
or junction; and instead of the mere momentary
gratification so commonly practised, a half-hour's
delight may be prolonged with the Penis erected,
pumping, pushing, and drawing backwards and for-
wards, ere the sport ends by the emission and the
concluding mutual sigh. A loveable virgin may be
secured against conception by this precaution. The
French use " French Letters," but even the best are
full of risk. The first engagement is ever attended
with nervous excitement and difficulty, and although
this night-cap or sheath of fine skin which covers
the Penis may fit, it may burst in the act of copula-
tion, and do damage irreparable by causing impreg-
nation in her whom we so much love. For the least
quantity of Semen we shed at the lips of the vulva
may be sucked up and conception ensue. Alum
about the size of a walnut or nutmeg dissolved in two
gills of water, squirted in the vagina with a syringe,
immediately after the act of coition is over destroys

48                               Essays read

the power of the Semen, But there is bother attend-
ing this performance, and always a doubt in its
-execution. A piece of small sponge attached to a silk
string has been recommended to be pushed up the
vagina, to block up the entrance to the womb,
and on removing it, the male seed is brought out with
it. But if the Penis is of respectable size in
length and circumference, it is liable in its eagerness
to shift the sponge to one side, and some of the seed
■will be lodged at the very door of the womb. Another
evil of the sponge is the annoyance which it often
gives to the Male by causing wounds to the Penis,
Man, by nature, is endowed with the talent of devis-
ing means to remedy or prevent the evils that are liable
to arise from gratifying the highest passion. All
animals enjoy the sexual embrace. Birds kiss, coo,
bill, and tread. Dogs copulate and stick (no other
animal does). Stallions cover. Bulls bull and stirks
attempt this, although libbed or castrated. Our
Sweethearts permit us to feel their breasts, and even
their vulvse, — their eyes swim with desire, fear
of results alone stops penetration. This fact in nine
cases out of ten cannot be gainsaid. Then let us be
men, not brutes nor fiends* True love will produce
sacrifices of the most exalted nature, and yet when

tit the Society's Meetings                  49

the weaker vessel is broken, he who shivered it
seldom tries to mend it. When the golden fruit is
within reach, we pluck and eat: when beauty is
agreeable, ways and means woo us. Few Josephs
reject a sappy hot Mrs, Potiphar, who followed even
to the little Business-House* Surely then, Prevention
or entire Withdrawal is tiie act of loving-kindness,
which in point of justice and honour we owe to her
whose charms we obtain. The passion of Love has
its seat in the whole body. Every healthy
girl, when puberty approaches, feels the natural
passion of desire for coition, " Let us take
our fill of Love," is one of the best Exhortations of
that Book of Scripture which is recited and quoted in
all our jovial meetings—the amorous Song of Songs*
In the old maid the passion of Love, like an over-
flowing gall-bladder, for want of due absorption tinges
every other sensation with bitterness; and the con-
firmed old bachelors, like their feminine compeers,
belong to a sort of sub-animal class; for to be with-
out sexual intercourse or the heavenly passion shews a
pitiable mental defect. What is argued for is this:—
First:—That no married people should have more
children than they wish to have, and can maintain
and bring up with ease. Second:—That no unhealthy

50                               Essays read

or delicate women should produce children at all.
Third:—That there should be no Bastards. Fourth :
—That sexual commerce should be independent
of the dread of a conception which blasts the
prospects of the female. Nine-tenths, at least, of
the misery and ruin which are caused by seduc-
tion result from cases of pregnancy. Perhaps the
unfeeling selfishness of him who fears to become a
father causes him to administer some noxious drug,
to try to cause abortion. In defiance of all doses of
tincture of iron (the most effectual of the kind, cer-
tainly) the little being lives, and society visits with
its bitterest scoffs the bruised spirit of the mother
and the unconscious innocence of the " love-child."
As to the cry of Entire Withdrawal being unnatural, it is
just as unnatural, and no more so, than to refrain in
a sultry summer's day from drinking, perhaps, more
than a pint of water at a draught, which prudence
tells us is enough, while inclination bids us drink a
quart. AH thwarting of any human wish or impulse
may, in one sense, be called unnatural; it is not,
however, the less prudent or proper on that account.
Then, too, if this trifling restraint is to be called un~
natural, what shall we say of celibacy, or of the un-
natural prostitution of the nostrils and mouth to

at the Society's Meetings                   51

snuff and tobacco? Our meats and drinks, our hats,
boots, and shoes, the way we walk and talk, &c, &c,
are all unnatural.

The future human being is formed by the
union in the womb of two very minute cells
of opposite sexes, invisible to the naked eye* called
the sperm (male) and germ (female) cells, which is
effected by the act of copulation. When once this
union has taken place, the embryo, as it is then termed,
possesses life, and the attempt to get quit of it is
procuring abortion, punishable by civil Law. But to
prevent this union from taking place is a totally dif-
ferent matter. Before coition the seminal fluid is no
more than a secretion like the saliva, mucus from a
cough, or sneezing, perspiration, &c. Consequently
it is a total confusion of ideas to associate its loss
with infanticide, as it cannot be murder to destroy
that which has never existed as life. Every time a
woman menstruates, one or more of the germ cells or
eggs is spontaneously discharged, and, of course, is
wasted. So that, instead of being murder, preventing
conception prevents murder, or the bringing into the
world of such creatures as were instanced at the begin-
ning of my address. Before concluding, I may
mention that the emission of a seminal fluid by the

52                               Essays read

female and its mixture with that of the male, when
copulating, is not well-founded. That a mucous fluid
is poured out then by hot women is undoubted ; but
the female has no seminal vessels like the male. Yet
there is a stimulating something which produces the
same desires and the same pleasures.

Sovereign and Knights,—I have at your request
given you freely and frankly my views on a topic
which concerns human beings of whatever class or
sex, and if my simple recommendation were carried
out, the burdens of many a loving couple would be
lightened, and the human race in general be bettered.

The Female Organs of Generation
||j^vjyjHE external parts of generation are included
£§yH§ under one name, the Pudenda, or the Privates.
The opening or the cleft is called the Vulva. The
outer or large lips are named the Labia Majora, and
are two prominent folds of skin bounding the vulva.
They unite below to form the Fourchette, which is
generally ruptured in the first labour. The Labia Majora
are analogous to the scrotum of the male. The Labia
Minora, Nympha or smaller lips, are two folds of

at the Society's Meetings                  53

skin assuming the character of mucous membrane
extending from the internal aspects of the Labia
Majora upwards to the Clitoris, round which they
pass to unite and form the hood and frenum of the
clitoris.

The Clitoris is an erectible organ at the upper
part of the vulva, and is analogous to the male Penis.
The small tubercule which appears at the end of it is
called the Glans of the clitoris.

The Hymen or Maidenlvead is a delicate semi-
circular fold of the membrane, usually ruptured by
the first insertion of the penis.

Addendum to " Essay on the Male Organs of
Generation"

JKTBBHE Dog is the sole animal known that sticks in
ESJb3 copulation. The penis in erection having a
long plate in it becomes transverse, and so prolongs
the intercourse, probably to permit of several ova
being fertilized.

The Walrus has a gigantic bone in the penis like
a club, as large as a man's thigh-bone and as thick.
While Lions and Cats'are in coition stiff spines appear

54          Essays read at the Society's Meetings

on the penis of the male which seem to cause pain
to the female, from their sounds. But no sticking
takes place, as with Dog and Bitch.

Fancy or Performing Animals mixing promiscu-
ously in the same kennel cannot be got to breed. So
a Bull and Stallion prefer strange flesh, because
" Familiarity breeds Contempt."

Some women have such an effect upon men as to
make the penis swell largely immediately before the
ejection of the semen, the inner labia or lips of the
vulva several times pressing the penis. From the
intensity of the pleasure this has been termed " the
Ooynte-grip " or " the Devil's bite*'—tnorsm diaboli.

TO LET

with immediate entry

A SHOP
In the vicinity of the Government Office

With double frontage

Situated just below the Victualling Office

(Directly opposite the Ainster Harbour)

(A ttributed to Nathaniel Murray, Clerk to Collector
John McNanghton.)

piTBHT being an improvable concern, it is well
B£J3 calculated for a young man of industrious
habits, who will, in the short space of one year, find
a visible increase in his original investment. The
premises are of great depth, with spacious and
beautiful frontage. They were formed nineteen years
ago by an able architect, at a great expense and
labour, and have been in a continual state of im-
provement for the last two years, when a material
alteration took place by breaking through a partition

56           Essays read at the Society's Meetings

in the nterior, which some considered a detriment;
but the possessor has found great benefit therefrom,,
it having rendered the frontage more airy, facilitating
ingress and egress.

About six years ago, a shrubbery was planted,
which has so increased as to place the entrance in
embryo, which, although centrically situated, and
having a pair of folding; doors, may be called a private
entrance. It may also be termed a Marine Retreat,,
having a beautiful natural spring of Salt Water in the
interior.

The only reason of the proprietress being desir-
ous to let H, is the death of her husband.

The whole is in substantial repair, and calcu-
lated at present to do a good stroke of business.
Coming in easy,

N JEL—Nona but standing tenants will be treated-

POEMS

Recited at the Meetings

STOLEN KISSES
Sung by Colonel Alexander Monypenny..

"RSSjTOLEN waters are sweet," we're told;

BSgifl Yet stolen kisses sweeter are ;
When you clasp your love with Love's eager hold*.

When your cheek is brush'd by her loosen'd hair,
And her lips meet yours with that thrilling touchy

Which seems so slight—but means so much.

It means surrender to Love's might;

It means your hearts have owa'd his sway;
No monarch holds Diviner right,.

All human souls his laws obey.
And bowing low before his feet

Find there alone that life is sweet.

58                Poems Recited at the Meetings

Which is the sweeter, ye who know ?

The first quick thrill that stirs the blood,
Or the blissful languor creeping through

The throbbing veins, to calm the flood,
Whose surges swept o'er heart and brain,

Till pleasure became akin to pain ?

Your lips part then, your arms unfold,
The dear head droops on your breast so low,

That the story words have never told
Is throbb'd in her ear, while to and fro

Your heart beats out with rhythm true,
" J love you, darling, and only you I"

The breath of roses should be in the air,
Astir with the whisper of shading trees;

Stars should gleam in the skies afar,
A sound of singing float on the breeze;

Then bowing low before Love's feet,
You find 'tis Love that makes life sweet!

Poems Recited at the Meetings              59

A PASTORAL

fETiffl WAS noon in the month of May,
Hill And birds did sing on every brae;

'Neath a spreading tree, nigh Balcarres steep,

A maiden fair lay fast asleep.

Gentle zephyrs from the skies

Had blown the clothes up o'er her thighs;

And a youth, who'd sought the shade to rest

From behind a tree spied Cupid's nest.

But her legs were cross'd—what could he do,

Though Heav'n itself appear'd in view ?—

Till Cupid sent a little fly

Upon the maiden's lily-white thigh.

The maiden, thus tickled and void of care,

Threw one leg here and the other leg there.

The impassion'd youth enraptur'd grew,

Love's " rosy arrow" forth he drew,

And softly bending on his knees,

Gently he lifted her chemise.

Too late the maiden fair awoke,

Love's " arrow" made her sigh each stroke;

Yet bleeding, panting with sweet pain,

She smil'd and bade him try again.

60               Poems Recited at the Meetings

UNHALLOWED PASTIME!

Jpj§3]ANISH from thy shades the solitary Joy—
lijBfrjj The vice of Monks recluse, the early bane
Of rising manhood. Find some soft nymph
Whom tender sympathy attracts to thee.
Sacrifice to her the precious hours,
Now clasp with rapturous fondness
Her yielded waist. With eager kisses press
Her balmy lips. Then hug and kiss again.

Poems Recited at the Meetings              61

[Strictly Private to all except " Brothers/*]

By Order, from St. Ayle's Lodge, Anstruther.

THE LADY FREEMASON

Entered Apprentice, Fellow-craft and Master.
In Paulo Post Futuro at " The Beggar's Benison."

B^SjS a Brother of old from this Lodge was re-
He called on his Sweetheart, with love he was burn-
ing.

He wanted some favours, said she, not so "free,"
Unless you reveal your famed secrets to me.

Agreed 'tis a bargain ; you must be prepared,

Your leg well exposed, your bosom all bared,

Then hoodwinked and silent; says she, " I'll be

mum,"
E'en tho' & poker you clap to my bum.

To a chamber convenient his fair charge he bore,
Plac'd her in due form, having close tiVd the door ;
Then presented the point of his sharp Instrumentis,
And the lady was soon made an "EnteredApprentice."

62               Poems Recited at the Meetings

His Working Tools next to her gaze he presented,
To study them seriously she then consented,
And so handled his Jewels, his Cavil, and Shaft,
Then she in a jiffey was passed " Fellow Craft"

She next wanted Raising, says he, there's no urgency,
She pleaded that this was a case of emergency,
His Column to her eyes look'd somewhat particular,
But she very soon made it assume " Perpendicular."
Well he used his efforts to raise the young elf,
But soon found he wanted raising himself:
The task was beyond him, Oh, shame and disaster!
He broke down in his Charge, and she became "Master."

In her zeal for true knowledge, no labour now shirk-
ing,

His jewels and furniture constantly working,
By night or by day, in the light or the dark—
With pleasure her lover she guides to the " Mark."
Exhausted and faint, still no art could betide him—
For she, like a glutton, soon mounted astride him—
From refreshment to labour, says she " let us march,"
Says he, you're enrolled ; you are now "Royal Arch."

Poems Recited at the Meetings              63

THE AINSTER LASSIE AN' HER CREEL
ll^iS ae day Bob a fishin' gaed frae Ainster to
ISS^S Pittenweem,
A sicht! A buxom wench sat befit west by the Milton

stream i
WP snickerin' host he frichted her. " My lass I jist

tak' yere time;"
When up she sprang as if got shot, like a poacher

catch'd for crime.

The sun was hot, the burn was prime, so Bob jogged

on his way.
When by and bye he peckish got and faiked amang

the hay.
Syne farther up the Dreel he gaed, and cuist his line

again,
But by some awkward management it hanker'd on a

stane.

The Ainster lass was comin' back,—by bad luck chance

she fell,
An' drookit a' her dudds, e'en ane you guess, I sail

not tell.
Whan she got oot—" Laddie," cried she, " didna ye

jist see

64               Poems Recited at the Meetings

A fishin' creel o' curly wurly mak'—which belangs to
me?"

The bluid ran boilin' thro' Bob's veins, when viewin"⁵

a* her charms,
He gently led her to the bank—she plumpt into his

arms:
"Oh! dear laddie," she said, "what's, what's this

Trout I feel?"
" Haud it fast, my bonnie lass,—it's a fine big Silver

Eel."

*' I hav't a¹ richt, its deid, its stiff, and yet its warm

as jeel;

To keep it safe, I'll put it in my ain guid curly creel:
There noo—wheesht, it lifts—there's life in't yet—I

feel,
For I fin' its heid aye dintin¹ on the bottom o' my

creel,"

⁴⁴ Frisk aboot, my lithesome eel, as lively as anither,
Ye canna burst my midleg pouch, its made o' ravin¹

leather,
Oh! laddie," she cried and sighed, " he's deid,

my puir eel—
He's knockit oot a* his brains 'gainst the bottom o'

my creeL"

Poems Recited at the Meetings              65

DREEL CASTLE

Recited by Collector McNachtane, Laureate
of the Beggar's Benison

EjffiSlHERE is a fortress o'er the way,
fU9 Seated upon a rocky stream ;
In former times it had its day,
At present its joys are but a dream.

This ancient Castle is called Dreel,

A leaky boat is for its moat;
While further up the Meal Mill-wheel

Clucks round and round in dashing rote.

As long as grey Dreel Turret lasts,

Its tales will never be forgot;
Around it batter tempest-blasts,

While jim-crack Biggins go to pot.

Confounded in Time's common urn,

Where swains and damsels had their flings:

O ! could such scenes again return,
Like those facund emulgent things!

66               Poems Recited at the Meetings

But, in the evenings when they met!

To brood on't always fires the blood :
There never was a jollier set

Either before or since the flood.

In this retreat, whilom so sweet,
Earl Willie and his Cousin dwelt;

Sometimes they experienced such a heat,
As if their inwards all would melt.

May was not like other lasses,—

From twelve her breasts swell'd in a trice;

Firm they were as two cupping-glasses,
just like peaches, dainty and nice*

They who in her composition

Infus'd the warmth which was the cause
Of such exub'rant nutrition,

Did but the work of Nature's laws.

The sight, in troth, got so bewitching,

That Earl Will couldn't keep from nibbling;

Passion alert, and fingers itching,
Billings and cooings—Oh ! such clinching !

For a whole winter, ev'ry night,

The two join'd one—though near of kin ;

Frantic passion, with its whole might,
Drove May to let Cnz Will within.

Poems Recited at the Meetings              67

O Venus! aweful Queen of Spring—
Here would I pause thy pow'rs to tell,

In adamantine words, write than Sing—
Of loves and hopes and fears as well.

Ah ! " Lose no opportunity,"

Is the motto of Knights* medal—
Draws Bacchus and soft Cupid nigh

Into the nest of Interval.

A well-known local East Neuk toast,

Enshrin'd it is in our own hive—
"A fair wind, with a clearance coast,

Will mak' the gallant ship to drive."

Time never stops his constant whirl,

He bids the prostrate Venus rise;
May at length was married to Will the Earl,

And Pittenweem Prior did solemnize.

68               Poems Recited at, the Meetings

THE SIGNS OF THE ZODIAC

HHJiOME listen well the while I tell
qSsSI A tale that full of sense is,
'Tis all about the Zodiac,
In other words—the menses.

Chorus—Ri fol de riddle
Ri fol de wack
Regulate your Loves, by
The Signs of the Zodiac.

'Tis Month the First, when pipes do burst,

We often find precarious ;
And danger lurks in water-Works,

Beneath the sign Aquarius.

In February your tackle try,

But cautiously, for now it is
A time when you may fix with glue

Beneath the sign of Pisces.

In March take heed to sow your seed—
Your fields of weeds first dispossess,

Desire is great to copulate
Beneath the sign of Aries.

Poems Recited at the Meetings               69

In April, fools neglect their tools

When ladies most adore us
And yield their hearts to counterparts

Beneath the sign of Taurus,

May's scented bowers suggest the flowers

O'er shadowing where we did lie
With our dear flame at the old game,

Beneath the sign of Gemini.

June is the month codlings to catch—

Look out for bait, you forager;
For crabs infest the cuckoo's nest,

Beneath the sign of Cancer.

If in July you coach to town,

And there let out your overflow,
Use letters French upon your wench,

Beneath the sign of Leo.

In August, should you then come back,
If clean and quit of quacks—you know—

Try, instead, a Fife maidenhead,
Beneath the sign of Virgo.

Rest, in September, will do you good—

Perpetual motion is but a saw;
Just weigh the odds against your cods,

Beneath the sign of Libra.

yo                Poems Recited at the Meetings

October is an Autumn month—
If out of sorts, be very slow ;

To give or take may be a snake
Beneath the sign of Scorpio.

November parties now begin,

Inviting, grand, and glorious;
Mind how you sheath your Dart beneath

The sign of Sagittarius,

To keep the Horn not overworn
Let sad December warn us ;

If we would last old goats long past
The sign of Capricornus.

Thus rule your lines, by Zodiac signs,
Which fail not to remember,

As best you can—they run from Jan-
Uary to December.

Poems Recited at the Meetings              71

BOTANY BAY

trDli RITAN NI A, fair guardian of this favour'd land,
jiiEdi To a scheme gave her sanction, by Ministry

plan'd,

For transporting her sons who from honour did stray,
To a sweet spot terrestrial, term'd Botany Bay.

Toll de roll, de roll, toll de roll.
Now this Bay, by dunderheads, we've sagely been told,
Was unknown to the fam'd navigators of old;
But this we deny in terms homely and blunt,

For Botany Bay all through Fife is call'd------.

Toll de roll, &c.

Our ancestor, Adam, 'tis past any doubt,
Was the famous Columbus that found the spot out;
He brav'd ev'ry billow, rock, quicksand, and shore,
To steer thro' the passage none e'er steer'd before.

Toll de roll, &c.

Kind Nature, ere Adam had push'd off to sea,
Bade him be of good cheer—for his pilot she'd be ;
Then his cables he slipp'd and stood straight for the

Bay,
But was stopp'd on the passage about the midway.

Toll de roll, &c.

J2                Poems Recited at the Meetings

Avast, Adam cried, I'm dismasted I doubt,
If I don't take the head of my vessel about.
Take courage, cried Nature, and leave it to me,
For 'tis only the line that divides the Red Sea.

Toll de roll, &c*

Tho* shook by the stroke, Adam's mast stood upright,
His ballast was steady, his tackling quite right;
Then a breeze springing up, down the red straights

he run,

And o'erjoy'd with his voyage, he fir'd off a great gun.

Toll de roll, &c.

High from the mast-head, by the help of one eye,
The heart of the Bay did old Adam espy;
And alarmed at some noise,. to₄him Nature did say,
That it was the Trade Wind, which blows always one
way.

Toll de roll, &c.

So transported was Adam in Botany Bay,

He Dame Nature implor'd to spend there night and

day;

And curious, he tried the Bay's bottom to sound,
But his line was too short by a yard from the ground.

Toll de roll, &c.

Poems Recited at the Meetings              73

The time being out, Nature's sentence had pass'd,

Adam humbly a favour of her bounty ask'd,

That when stocked with provisions and everything

sound,
To Botany Bay he again might be bound.

Toll de roll, &c.

Nature granted the boon both to him and his race,
And said—oft I'll transport you to that charming place,
But never, cried she, as you honour my word,
Set sail with disease or with famine aboard.

Toll de roll, &c.

Then this Botany Bay, or whate'er be the name,
We have prov'd is the spot whence the whole of us

came,

May we there be transported, like Adam our sire,
And never return 'fore the time shall expire.

Toll de roll, &c

74                Poems Recited at the Meetings

Tune—" Push about the Jorum."

||W1 Y honest hearts who love to sing,
HJJ And hate the wretch that's boasting,
Come let us make the chamber ring

With sentimental toasting.
The sacred love of liberty,

And liberty in loving,
In this fond wish we all agree,

However prone to roving.

The mouth that often has two beards,

And swallows without chewing ;
The fair who neither snorts nor girds,

But leaves to bill when cooing;
Life's luscious dish—a brace of cocks,

With the sweet sauce of kisses;
Unlocking well the lock of locks

With key of mortal blisses !

The grave that does cast up the dead,
And buries well the living;

Poems Recited af the Meetings              75

Love's baby rock'd in Nature's bed;

The girl that takes when giving;
The key that slips the maiden out,

And lets the lover enter;
The bird within, the bush without;

Attraction's lovely centre.

May good men ever pleasure taste,

And taste have in their pleasure;
The maid who spends yet will not waste

One atom of her treasure;
The tapping with the pretty teat,

That gives the wench a tumour;
The balls that beauteous women beat

Into a pleasant humour.

The linen mutual passion paints

Success to young beginners ;
Here is the mother of all saints,

And maker of all sinners ;
The human pump when ta'en in hand

With Cupid's cover on it;
The nick that makes the tail to stand,

And bud-rue's scarlet bonnet.

The little pilot, tho' he's blind,
Who steers into love's- harbour ;

76               Poems Recited at the Meetings

The lass who lathers us when kind,
The handsome female barber;

The mouth that spues up all mankind,
The tune of tunes in farces,

Is that duet with parts conjoin'd
I' the opera of A—s.

The middle finger's favourite ring,

That friction sets on fire;
The tuneful bells that always ring

When maidenheads expire ;
The small thatch'd house beneath the hill,

Or fountain in Hair Court, sirs,
May sportsmen have of game their fill,

And huntsmen have good sport, sirs.

Poems Recited at the Meetings              77

The Maid demands

The dues of Venus, when the plumpy breasts
Wanton, exuberant, do tempt the touch ;
Round with the rich moisture from the finished

growth

Redundant now : for the late-shooting tubes
Drank all the blood the toiling heart could pour,
Insatiate; now full-grown they crave no more
Than what repairs their daily waste. But still
There must be loss, nor does the super-plus
Turn all to thrift. For from Love's grotto now
Oozes the sanguine stream thro' many a rill,
Startling the simple lass, that anxious glows
Inward, till bold necessity o'ercomes
Her fond reluctant blushes to consult
Her nurse, well versed in mystic cases deep.

The Sybil solves

Sagely the dubious case.—The rising Down
Now, too, begins to skirt the hallow'd bounds
Of Venus' blest domain. In either sex
This sign obtains. For nature provident,

78                Poems Recited at the Meetings

When both genders stand equal for the fray,
This graceful armour spreads ; and, but for this,
Excoriate oft the tender parts would rue
The close encounter; now they fight secure
Thus harness'd, and sustain the mutual shock
Of war, unhurt, for many a well-fought day.
Oh! Kisses! Sweet repast! Ambrosial joy !
Now press with gentle hand the gentle hand.
And, sighing, now the breasts, that to the touch
Heave amorous. Nor thou, fair maid, refuse
Indulgence, while thy hot lover, timorous,
Aspires no further. Thus, thou may'st expect
Treasure hereafter, when thy Bridegroom, warm,
Eager with keen desire, profusely pours
The rich collection of enamoured years,
Exhaustless, into thy coral grot.
Ye youths and virgins, when your heated blood
Has felt the warmth of sixteen summers, now
Sweet loves invite; now to new raptures wakes
The glowing sense : while stung with keen desire
The burning boy his bashful fetters bursts ;
And, urg'd with inward twitch, the ripened maid,
Conscious and coy, betrays the smarting throbs.
Each to each grudge not the precious hours

Poems Recited at tlic Meetings              79

Nor summer's eves, nor winter's nights
Breathe, speak, live what love inspires
Warm from the heart, relieve its vestal fires.
Love, free as air—can be no sin to Love!
Swain! clasp with firm fondness in your arms
Her yielded waist; now on her heaving bust
Recline your head,—with sappy kisses glue
Her balmy lips,—and sipping from her eyes
Sparks which emit at lightning's touch,—
Then hug and kiss again, stretch'd out supine
Upon the genial couch,—-while intense grows
Thy manly Rod, and panting with desire
Repels all intervening obstacles; for Love,
Whose fervid course mountains nor seas oppose
Can speedily remove barriers so slight.
Then, when her lovely limbs, oft lovely deem'd,
Far lovelier now beheld, thro' all your trembling joints
Increase the fire—forthwith discover to her dazzFd

sight

The stately Novelty, and into her hand usher
The new Acquaintance. She in all likelihood
Averse will start, but half terrified, half pleas'd
With neck retorted and oblique regard will view
The tumid Wonder with indulging curious eye.
Perhaps when you attempt the keen admission

So                Poems Recited at the Meetings

Joyful she'll resist with shy reluctance :—
But nathless you pursue the soft attack
And warmly push the war, till quite o'erpower'd
With love, the melting maid faintly opposes.
On the brink at last arriv'd of giddy rapture,
Plunge not in precipitant, but spare a virgin's pain.
Ah! spare a gentle virgin! spare yourself!
Lest sanguine war love's tender rites profane
With fierce dilaceration and dire pangs, reciprocal,
Shut the door of bliss. Droop not because barricaded,
But rather triumph in this pledge of innocence in-
violable.

Poems Recited at the Meetings              81

PB8J Nymph, to ease your lover's throbbing smart,
BSSfl Yield, and prepare for an ambrosial Dart;
Your honied lips, like fair vermilion bright,
Moist as Dime's with a balmy sweet,
Pouting for kisses, swell to give delight,
And part commodiously with mine to meet.
O come, like Doves, my Sylvia, let us Bill,
Foin, thrust, and parry with ingenious skill.

But stop ! for so excessive is the bliss,
It shoots like poison thro' my vital blood,
With pleasing pain you stab at ev'ry kiss.
O Gods ! and torture while you're kindly good.
Too lovely Maid ! regard my cruel case,
And heal me with a full embrace.

Thy Elysium and the Milky Way I see,
Fair openings to the shades beneath thy waist;
Which, while you strive to hide from liberty,
Just unveils beauties which reveal the rest.
A mole, embrown'd with no unseemly grace,
Grows near, embellishing the sacred space.
O Venus! grant me more, or let me drink
Of Lethe's fountain and forget to think.

RIDDLES

W||| HAT'S that in which good housewives take

Which, tho' it has no legs, will stand upright ?

'Tis often used, both sexes must agree,

Beneath the navel, yet above the knee.

At the end it has a hole ; 'tis stiff and strong,

Thick as a maiden's wrist, and pretty long.

In a soft place 'tis very oft applied

And makes the thing that's used be still more wide.

The women love to wriggle it to and fro,

That what lies under may the wider grow.

By giddy sluts sometimes it is abused,

But by good damsels rubb'd before it's used.

That it may fitter for their purpose be,

When they to regulate the same are free.

Now tell me, merry ladies, if you can,

What this must be, that is no part of man ?

—A Rolling Pin.

Riddles                               83

fi^HJN shaping me both sexes join,
pUS Who must in fit embraces twine
And grow with mutual motions warm
Ere they complete my mystic form;
I please (tho* from the country sprung)
The city and the country throng;
I oft pronounce the balmy kiss,
And music heightens much the bliss.
By me engaged you ne'er can dose,
Yet I procure the soft repose:
And (which increases more your mirth),
Both sexes labour at my birth.

—Country Dancing*

CONUNDRUMS

1.  Why is a woman like a mathematician ?—
Because she wishes to know the longitude.

2.  What is the old Saw which women won't be-
lieve ?—Short and sweet.

3.  Why are youths like ferrets ?—Because they
wish to creep into coney holes.

4.  By what measure do shop-girls like to trade ?
—The yard-

5.—What creatures bear best ? — Asses and
women.

6.—Why are women the weakest vessels ?—Be-
cause they are the soonest cracked.

7.  What kind of jointures do women like the
best ?—Body to body.

8.  What kind of sickness are women most sub-
ject to ?—The falling.

9.  What makes women most alike ?—The dark.

10.  Why is a bad fire like an old maid ?—Be-
cause it wants poking up from the bottom.

11.—Why is an old man's wife like a hot bun ?
—Because she wants to be well butter'd.

Conundrums                           85

12.  Why is a young wench like a comet ?-^s-Be-
cause she has a fiery tail.

13.  Why is a fine girl like a highwayman ?—
Because she makes a man stand.

14.  Why is a man that has taken physic like a
wench ?—Because he is loose.

15.  When is a girl's most taking motion ? —
When she is pricked forward.

16.  What does a woman delight to see out at her
window ?—A yard at her foredoor.

17.  Why is Fanny M------like the Sergeant-at-

Arms?—Because she takes unruly members into
custody.

18.  Who was it that was begot before his father,
born before his mother, and had the maidenhead of
his grandmother ?—Cain.

19.  Why is marriage like a curtain ?—Because it
serves for a blind.

20.  Which is the most wonderful plant ?—That
which grows in your hand.

21.  Why is a gun like a woman ?—Because it
has an apron over the touch-hole.

22.  What part of Grammar is a clap ?—Sin-tax.

23.  Why is Eliza like a cistern ?—Because she
requires plugging.

A FEW

SCOTCH SAWS AND PROVERBS

Spouted at the Meetings
KK^H buskit whore is like a dirty house with a clean

As hasty as a sheep, nae sooner is the tail up
but oot comes the turd.

Everything's stiff aboot ye but the thing that
should be stiff.

He that has his baas in a cleft stick maun wyle
them oot the best way he can.

He that warsels wi' a turd is sure to be s.....n,

whether he fa's upmost or downmost.

He that ance a guid name gets,
May pish the bed and swear he sweats j

But he that ance a guid name misses,
And sweats in bed, they'll say he pishes.

" Here's to ye a', arse over head," as the whore-
bride drank to her maidens.

Scotch Saws and Proverbs                 87

It sticks like the curse o' God till a whore's a—.

" It's a strong seam, tho' it's no very neat,'¹ quo*
the deil, when he sewed up the cook's a— wi' the
jack-chain.

It's a poor kin, that there is neither a whore nor
a thief in.

It's aye a whore that cries whore first.

It's far to seek, and ill to fin', like Meg's maiden-
head.

" It's no very neat, but it's gaudy," quo' the deil
when he painted his a— pea-green.

Love and raw peas mak'a man sigh at baith ends*

Love and pease-brose will mak' their way.

Like Davie Dougal's dochter, bid her sit down
and she'll lie down.

O mither, my back wi' thae sodgers, and mair
comin' the morn !

" Tit for tat," quo* the wife, when she farted at the
thunder.

When's the goose best feathered?—When the
gander's on her.

Why are a woman's petticoats like a pack of
cards ?—Because they are so often turned up.

When your head's down, your a— is rising.

88                   Scotch Saws and Proverbs

Ye*ll no die the death o' Jenkins' hen, wha died
for want o' treadin'.

Ye're a' tripes and trollybags.

Ye're a* guts and gab, like young pyets.

Ye're fingers are made o* the pairins o' ladies'
a—s.

Your nose is over near your ain a—.

You and her pishes in the same nutshell.

Ye're like the leeks, ye ha'e a green tail and a
grey head.

Ye've been gotten gatherin' nuts, ye speak in
clusters.

Ye're worn frae an a— fu' to a c— fu'; and ye
canna measure the distance.

Your heart's wi' the Lord, but your p— is in
jenny Walsh's c—.

FACETIAE BIBLIOTHEC.E

Copied from the Fly Leaves of the Bible usei>

at the Initiation of Members of

The Beggar's Benison

Genesis iv. i, 17, 25. vL 4. ix. 20-25. xvi.
1-5. xvii. 10-14 and 23-27. xix. 4-9 (v. 5) 30-38.
xxv. 21-26. xxvi. 8. xxix. 21-35. xxx. xxxiv. xxxv*
22. xxxviii. 8-10, 13-26, 27-30. xxxix. 7-18.

Exodus i. 15-ig and 20, 21. iv. 24-26. xxii. i6_r
17, 19.

Leviticus v. 3. xii. xv. xviii. 6-23. xx. iq-21-
xxii. 3-5.

Numbers v. 12-29. ^xxv« 6-8. xxxi. 17, 18.

Deuteronomy xxi. 10-14. xxii. 1, 10, 11. xxv-
11, 12. xxvii. 20, 22, 23. xxviii. 57.

Joshua v. 2-8.

Judges iii. 15-25. xix..

go                          Facetice Bibliothecce

Ruth iii. 3-14.

1st Samuel ii. 22. v. g. xviii. 25-27, xxi. 4, 5,
xxv. 22, 34.

2nd Samuel x. 4. xiii. 1-22.

1st Kings i. 1-4. xiv. 10 and 24,

2nd Kings ix. 8. xviii, 27.

1st Chronicles xix, 4.

Esther i. 11. ii. 2-4 and 12-17. ^v*** 8.

Job iii, ii.

Psalm xxxviii. 5-7.

Proverbs v. 17-20. vi. 24-32. vii. 5-23,

Song of Solomon.

Isaiah iii. 17. xx. 2-4. xxvi. 17, 18. xxxii. 11,
.12. xxxvi. 12, lvii. 8^ g. lxvi. 7-12.

Jeremiah i. 5. ii. 20. iii. 1-3 and 6-g {v. g).
v, 7, 8. xi. 15, xiii. 26, 27. xx. 17-18.

Lamentations i. 8, g, and 17.

Ezekiel iv. 12-15. vi. g. xvi. 4-g, 15-17, and
25* 26, 33, 34, 37, 3g, xviii. 6, 11, 15. xxii. g-11.
xxiii. 6-g, 14-21, 28, 41-44.

Hosea iii. 1-5. iv. 10*18 (v. 14). v. 3,4, 7. vi. g,

Facetice Bibliotheccz                     gi

10, vii. 4. viii. 9. ix. 1, 10, n, 14, 16. xii. 3.
xiii. 13.

Joel iii. 3.

Micah i. 7, 8, 11. iv. 9, 10.

Nahum iii. 4-6.

Habakkuk ii. 5,16.

Romans i. 24-27,

1st Corinthians v. 1. vi. 9, 15,16,18. xii. 23. vii.

1st Thessalonians iv. 3-7.

2nd Peter ii. 10-18.

Revelation ii. 20-22. xvii. 1-4.

The End

CONTENTS OF SUPPLEMENT

Introduction                                                    P. 5

Notes of Proceedings at Meetings                          13

Dinner Sentiments, &c.                                         17

Essays.—The Male Organs of Generation             33

The Act of Generation                          45

The Female Organs of Generation         52

Addendum to Essays on Male Organs 53

To Let                                                 55

Poems recited at the Meetings                              57

Riddles                                                                82

Conundrums                                                        84

Scotch Saws and Proverbs                                    86

Facetiae Bibliothccae                                             89