TOM BROWN'S
JEST BOO K:-
OR, COMPANION TO THE CLOISTER,
The NE PLUS ULTRA of every thing FUNNY.
CONTAINING ALL HIS COMICAL AND HUMOROUS STORIES,
CURIOUS RIDDLES,
Also, without any curtailment, the whole of his unique collection of
AMOROUS TALES AND SONGS, SMUTTY
CONUNDRUMS, QUEER JOKES, W ITTY
SAYINGS, &c, &c, &c.
LONDON:
EDWARD DUNCOMBE,
MIDDLE ROW, HOLBORN.
*Tis often obtain'd with care and cost,
And is no sooner got than lost.
A maidenhead.
Sow f$tcnanfs$
COMPLETE JESTBR*
TOM BROWN being at an assembly, was asked
how he liked a young "lady that was dancing? and
whose complexion was discernably her own manu-
facture ? Really, sir, answered he, I am no connois-
seur in painting.
A young lady, who had been married about six
months, asked Tom Brown if he would stand for
her first child ? Madam, answered he, by the
shortness of, your apron, I am very sure your first
child has already been stood for.
One of the Canons of St. Paul's being in compa-
ny with some ladies, let fall his handkerchief, and
in stooping to pick it up again, he happened^ to
break wind backwards. Bless me, ladies ! cried
out one of them, I believe 'tis his Majesty's birth-
day, for I think I hear one of the cannons at St.
James's. No, madam, answered another lady, then
present, I am sure 'tis not so far off as St. James's,
for I can smell the gunpowder.
A2
6 tom brown's jester.
Tom Brown, being in company with one Mr.
Wake, and another gentleman, it happened that the
former fell asleep ; which the other .gentleman ob-
serving, said, why, Tom, our friend is asleep. I'll lay
you a guinea, cries Tom, that he is a Wake. Done,
cries the other. Well now, says Tom, I'll convince
you that I have won the wager :—Don't you know,
that his grandfather was a Wake, and his father was
a Wake ? and certainly he must be a Wake, even
though he is fast asleep: therefore I have won the
wager.
Tom Brown assured a young lady that he would
do any thing to serve her. If I was poor and ne-
cessitous, said the lady, I make no doubt but you
would express yourself in a different manner. In-
deed, madam, I would not, replied Tom ; for, if
you was naked I would cover you.
Ono Easter Monday, an arch rogue meeting a
blind woman, who was crying puddings and pies,
took her by the arm and said, come along with me,
dame, I am going to Moorfields, where, this holi-
day-time, you may chance to meet with good cus-
tom.—Thank'e kindly, sir, says she. Whereupon
he conducted her to Cripplegate church, and placed
her in the middle aisle. Now, says he, you are in
Moorfields ; which she believing to be true, imme-
diately cried out, Hot Puddings and Pies ! Hot
Puddings and Pies i come they are all hot! &c.
which caused the whole congregation to burst
out in a loud laughter ; and the clerk came
and told her she was in a church ; you are
a lying son of a whore, says she ; which so en-
TOM BROWN'S JESTER.
7
raged the clerk, that he dragged her out of the
church; she cursing and damning him all the
while ; nor would she believe him till she heard
the organ play.(
Two sailors being in company together, were
conversing of the danger of rocks upon the ocean.
D—n my eyes, Jack, says one, that rock upon the
. streights of Ludgate/destroys more than half the
rocks in the universe.
In the reign of King Henry VIII, a facetious
spendthrift nobleman, having lately sold a whole
manor, consisting of nearly a hundred tenements,
came strutting to court in a new rich suit, say-
ing, am not 1 a mighty man, to bear a hundred
houses upon my back. Which Cardinal Woolsey
hearing, said, You had much better have paid your
debts. What you say is very right, replied the no-
bleman, for I owe your father*' three half-pence
for a sheep's head; come, write me a receipt, and
here's two-pence for it.
A young woman, named Cunny, who was of a
free, merry, yet innocent disposition, happened to
lodge in the same house with a gentleman whose
name was Parsley : the latter being asked one day,
how he liked Miss Cunny? Very well, answered
he : but I should like her much better if she was
stuffed with parsley.
A great crowd being gathered about a poor cou-
pler, who had just died in the street, a man asked
* His father was a butcher at Ipswich, in Suffolk.
8 TOM BROWN'S JESTEIt.
Tom Brown what was to be seen ? Only a cob-
bler's end, replied he.
A soldier, who was sadly troubled with the cho-
lic, stopped near a hedge to untruss a point. A
general going that way at the same time, and being
offended at the strong smell, You rascal, says he,
what a stink you do make ! No wonder, general,
answered he ; Do you think a man can s—t musk
with sixpence a day ? The general was so pleased
with this repartee, that he gave him a guinea to
buy musk with.
As Tom Brown was sitting at table with another
gentleman, who speaking of the fair sex in gene-
ral, affirmed that there was not one honest woman
among them all. If it be so, replied Tom, one of
these two things must necessarily follow ; you must
either be a cuckold and a son of a whore, or you
have told a d—-n?d lie.
As a boy was leading a calf with both hands, a ..
nobleman happened to pass by upon the high-way;
the boy, it seems, minded the calf more than the
lord, and went drudging on, without moving his
hat. Why, sirrah, says the nobleman, have you
no more manners than to stand staring me in the
face, with your hat on ? Alas, says the boy, I'll
put off my hat with all my heart, if your lordship
will but 'light, and hold my calf in the mean time.
T. L—, the famous usurer, when he died made
a will to this effect: I give and devise every thing
to whom it is due ; my money to the necessitous,
TOM BROWN S JESTER. 9
my body to the surgeons, and my soul to the devil*
A merry cobbler, as he sat stitching in his stall,
was singing a piece of his own composition, where-
in he very often repeated these words, viz : The
king said to the queen, and the queen said to the
king.—What was it the king said to the queen?
said one who heard him. Crispin snatches up his
strap, and lays it, with all his might, a-cross the
shoulders of the impertinent querist : How now,
sauce-box ! says he, it's a fine age we live in?
when such coxcombs as you must be prying into
matters of state ! I'd have you to know, sirrah,
I am too loyal a subject to betray the king's se-
crets ; and pray get you gone, and don't interrupt
me in my lawful occupation, lest I stick my awl in
your a—e, and put an end to your folly,
Tom Brown told a parson, that he was like a
blind man, holding a lanthorn to light others, but
could receive no light from it himself: Why so ?
said the doctor ; because, answered he, you preach
of charity, chastity, and temperance, and practise
usury, fornication, and giuttony.
A young lady asked a gentleman, who was a law-
yer, what was the most surprising curiosity in all
Sir Hans Sloan's collection ? he answered a virgin
at fifteen years of age. Indeed, sir, replied the
lady, you are mistaken, for I have been told by
several, that, in his whole collection there is no-
thing^so curious as an honest lawyer.
A nurse, who was holding a child by the fire-
10
TOM BROWN'S JESTER.
side, and handling his little bauble ; said to a maid
that stood by, look here, you may see by a penny,
how a shilling is coined.
An Irish servant being struck by his master, cried
out, devil take me if I am certain whether he has
killed me or no ; but if I am dead it will afford me
great satisfaction to hear the old rogue was hanged
for killing me.
A young lady asked a widow her opinion of ma-
trimony. Oh, Madam, answered she, it would be a
heavenly life, if the first night would last always.
Two sailors being in company together, were re-
lating the most remarkable accidents that happened
in their voyages. One swore, they found it so ex-
cessively hot going to Guinea, that they used no fire
to boil their kettle, but dressed all their meat above
deck in the sunshine ; and could bake, boil, fry, or
stew, as well as at a large fire.
The other said, I never was in so hot a climate
as that; but, I have been so many degrees to the
Northward, where it has been so cold, it has frozen
our words in our mouths ; that we could not hear
one another speak, till we came into a warmer lati-
tude to thaw them, and then all our discourses
broke out together like a clap of thunder, that ihere
was never such a confusion of tongues heard at
Babel.
Says his companion, this is very strange, but I
have known stranger things to be true: I was once
sitting upon my chest between decks, picking the
lice out of an old canvass jacket, and a beam of
TOM BROWN'S JESTER. 11
lightning darted and melted one of the guns, and
went through a pair of buckskin-breeches I had on,
and burnt the lappets of a blue shirt, to tinder ;
hissed as it came out like a rattle-snake, but did
my body no manner of damage.
A gentleman talking of the four elements, ex-
pressed great admiration at the creation of water.
Lord, sir, said a merry lady, there's nothing so ve-
ry curious in that, for I can make water.
One having occasion to rise early, bid his man
look out, and see if it was day; the man replied,
it was dark ; you logger-head, says he, why don't
you take a candle and hold it out of the window,
how do you think to see without ?
A fellow going to sleep, put a brass pot under
his head, and finding it hard, stuffed it with fea-
thers, and so lay on it with confidence of softness.
A debauched October parson was reproved by a
citizen, for his loose, disorderly life ; telling him,
that the clergy ought to be the lanthorns of light.
How can we be the lanthorns of light, answered
the parson, when you citizens have got all the
horns ?
A countr}7 maid riding to market, her mare
stumbled, in the middle of the market-place, and
threw her topsy-turvy, showing all for nothing ; but
she receiving no harm by the fall, speedily got up
again, and turning herself to the laughing people,
said, Sirs, did you ever see the like before ? Never
12 tom brown's jester.
but once, said a country fellow, and that was a
black one.
A beggar-woman petitioned a young buck very
hard, to bestow a single half-penny upon her; at
the same time assuring him it was lending to toe"
Lord. Indeed, woman, answered the buck, I'li
not lend the Lord a farthing ; for if I should happen
to go to hell, I should never see him to demand my
debt.
An Italian, who was to preach before some Car-
dinals, in praise of St. Luke, was so confounded
when he was in the pulpit, that he could oniy re-
member his text, Salutat vos Lucas Medicus.
Luke, the physician, greeteth you. Thes$ words
he repeated so often, without being able to remem-
ber any part of his sermon, that the Cardinals,
tired with these repetitions, got up, and as they
were going out, one of them said to the preacher ;
Pray, sir, greet him also in our names.
A woman, whose husband was ill, went to Dr.
RatclifF with some of his urine in a urinal, to desire
him to prescribe for him. The doctor took the
urinal out of the woman's hand, and after emptying
it, made water in it himself. He then asked what
trade her husband was of ? She answered, a shoe-
maker : Why then, said the doctor, do you take
this water of mine to him and if he can fit me with
a pair of boots, by looking at it, then will I pre-
scribe for him by looking at his water.
A lady complaining to the same person of a
TOM BROWN*S JESTER. 13
singing in her head ; Madam, said he, I know no-
thing better than to wipe your a—e with a ballad.
Another complaining to him of a violent pain in
the head, he immediately pulled off her cap. What
do you mean, doctor ? cried the lady ; I only want
to feel where about your pain is, answered he ; you
can't feel it, sir, says she ; nay, then, replied he,
if your pain is so \eiy trifling that it cannot be felt,
you have very little occasion for my advice.
Tom Brown frequently said, that he chose travel-
ling on Sundays for two reasons; one, because he
,nad the prayers of the church ; and the other, be-
cause all the girls he met with had clean linen on.
A person riding along the city in great haste,
Tom Brown called after him, and asked, what play
was acted that night? Says he, you may see that
upon every post. Why, I took you for one, replied
Tom, by your riding so fast.
One was very gravely saying, there were two
sorts of fish allowed to be cried upon a Sunday,
and that was Milk and Mackarel.
A citizen's wife being in the country, and seeing
a goose that had many goslings ; How is it possible,
said she, that one goose should suckle so many gos-
lings ?
Mrs.-------------called to her servants to know
what ill smell was in the kitchen ? they answered,
they were making matches. Well, said she, I have
B
14
TOM BUOWN?S JESTER.
heard matches were made in heaven, but by the
brimstone, one would think they were made in hell.
A gentlemen, who had been very silly and pert
in a*lady's company, at last began to grieve at
remembering the loss of his child, lately dead, A
bishop sitting by, advised him to make himself easy,
because the child was gone to heaven. I believe,
my lord, said the lady, 'tis that which makes him
grieve, because he is sure never to see his child
there.
A sea captain, being just come a-shoro, was in-
vited by some gentlemen to a hunting-match. After
the sport was over, he gave his friends this particu-
lar account of what pastime he had :—Our horses
being completely rigged we manned them, and the
wind being S. W. twenty of us being in company,
away we set over the downs. In the time of half
a watch we spied a hare under a full gale, we tacked
and stood af'er her, coming up close, she tacked,
and we tacked, upon which tack, I had like to have
run aground ; but getting close, off I stood after her
again ; but, as the devil would have it, just about
to lay her a-board, bearing too much wind, I and
my horse over-set, and came keel upwards.
An Irishman went to a shoe-maker's shop, and
told the master he wanted to buy a pair of shoes.
Accordingly he handed him a pair with the toe of
one (as usual) thrust into the other. The Irishman
pot or his old shoos again in a great passion, and
told the shoe-maker he was a cheating knave, to
offer to give him a pair of brogues that the little-
TOM BROWN'S JESTEK.
15
one was big enough to hold the great one in his
belly.
A monkey-faced fellow went to Mr. Garnck, to
enter himself as a player ; That will never do, says
Mr. Garrick, at present; but if you had a tail, no
money should part us.
.......«
A woman, that drank pretty freely of the juniper,
having been married some years and never had any
children, seeing her husband (who was a gardener)
sowing some carrot seeds ; John, says she? tiS ver}'
strange, that the seeds you sow here should come
to perfection, when the seed you sow in the oed
above stairs come to nothing. Wife, rephed the
gardener, the reason is, because my good seen is
too much watered.
Two gentlemen being in a pair of oars, one of
them was affronted by the waterman ; Sirrah, says
the other gentleman, hold your prating, or else I'll
knock your head and the wall together.
A gentleman asked a shepherd, whether taat
river might be passed over or not ? Yes, says he ;
but upon trying, he flounced over head and earsj
Why, you rogue, says he, did you not tell me it
might be passed over ? Indeed, sir, says lie, I
thought so, for'my geese go over and bacii ogam
every day, and I did not doubt but you was as wise
as a goose.
A Lord-Lieutenant going over to Ireland, with
his lady and family, was, in his passage, overtaken
16 tom brown's jester.
by so violent a storm, that the mariners themselves
gave the vessel over for lost, and expected every
instant that she would either founder or go a-shoie.
At this juncture, a sailor observing one of the
menial servants standing pale with fear at the cabin
door, came up to him, and asked him if he had ever
lain with a duchess ? No, said the poor fellow,
frightened at such waggery, in such a dangerous
time; Why, then, says the tar, you have that plea-
sure to come, for by G-d, we shall all lie with her
Grace in less than half an hour. The Duke, who
over-heard this, when the storm abated, and the
danger was over, sent the fellow a handsome pre-
sent, and forgave him the impudence of the joke,
for the sake of its wit.
Tom Brown, hearing a sea captain tell some
extraordinary lies, said, his adventures were more
marvellous, for he was cast away, swallowed up by
a whale, in whose body he resided for some weeks,
till be was digested ; and then the whale hoisted
its bum out of the water, and voided him safe ashore
on the coast of Sussex.
How unnatural a sight it is, said Tom Brown, to
see a parson with a ruby face and double chin, to
preach up abstinence in Lent!
Madame--------—, brought her daughter, (who
was very young) to St. Martin's Church to be mar-
ried. Little Miss looked so unfit for business, that
the parson innoently said to her mother, Madam,
have you brought this child here to be baptised ?
war bhown'S jestkr. If
A certain lady, who was very liberal of her fa-
vours, declared that she looked upon herself as a
queen. Why so, madam ? says a gentleman then
present : Because, says she, there are a great ma-
ny Members enter my House of Commons.
A fribble being invited to supper at a lady's,
"burst into tears the moment supper was brought in.
The lady was surprised at this sudden grief, and
asked the occasion of it? Ah, madam, said he,
sighing, occasion enough :-—you may remember my
poor little lap-dog, that died t'other day of a violent
cold ; and that leg of lamb and spinnage, do so
put me in mind of my Cloe, sunning herself upon
a grass-plat, that I cannot refrain from tears*
One called a man ox, in the presence of his wife,
at which she seemed to be angry : said another,
Why do you call the man ox, when all the parish
knows he is an ass ? He is not an ass neither, re-
plied the wife, for asses never wear horns, and my
husband doos ; therefore I'll swear he is no ass.
An old gentleman, who was making proposals to
a young lady, promised to settle lands upon her to
the amount of 500 acres. Indeed, sir, answered
the lady, I am not mercenary, for with the man Hike,
I shall be better satisfied with a single yard, than
with all your 500 acres.
As two country fellows was talking together in
a bright star-light night, says one of them.—Would
I had but a meadow as large as the sky is ! And I, says
t'other, as many oxen and cows as there are stars
B 2
IS
TOM BBOWN8 JESTER.
in it ! But then, says the first, where would you
put them to graze ? Why, in your pasture, says the
other. Ay, that's if I pleased, answered the first.
Pleased ! says the other, marry, I'd do it in spite
of your teeth. The quarrel, in short, ran so high,
that they came from words to names, and from
names to blows.
A very harmless Irishman, drinking some white
wine mixt with a little claret ; arrah, now, dear
honey, said he, if a little claret gives such a deli-
cious taste, how would white wine taste, if it was
all claret.
A poor man in Sussex, who was deemed very
skilful in prognostications, about the weather, was
asked by a petty-fogging lawyer, when the sun
would change ? when such a wicked lawyer as you
goes to heaven, answered the poor fellow.
WATER DIALECT:
Being Tom Brown's humorous voyage up the River
Thames, in company with an Indian.
No sooner had my Indian and I took water at
Black Friars, and got into the middle of the stream,
but our two watermen began to attack a couple of
fine ladies with a footman, as follows : How now,
you two confederate brimstones, where are you
swimming with your fine top-knots ? I'll warrant
your poor cuckolds are hovering about Change, to
hear what news from Flanders, whilst you, like a
couple of hollow-belly'd whores, are sailing up to
Vaux-hall to cram one end with roasted fowls, and
TOM BROWN'S JESTER.
19
the other with raw sausages. One of the ladies
taking courage, made the following return. Get
you home, you old cuckold, look under your wife's
bed, and see who has been planting a son of a
whore in your parsley-bed : Oh ! how fond the
old fool will be of the fruits of another man's la-
bour, when the midwife vouches the bastard to be
the true picture of his daddy.
No sooner had we saluted each other with these
water compliments, but a western boat, stowed with
a mixture of both sexes, began afresh attack upon
us, in manner following, viz. How now, old dad,
where are your man and you carrying that king of
the gipsies ? why he looks as if he had painted his
face with a child's surreverence, to make his coun-
tenance shine. Out you nasty turd-coloured dog !
born upon a dunghill without a head, that your
mother was forced to supply the defect with a
yellow pumpkin !
My Indian made no reply ; and the next that we
met was a jolly parson, whom our charon accosted
as soon as within hearing, thus : well met, holy fa-
ther, I'll warrant in your time you have drawn as
many tithe pigs in at your mouth and out at your
fundament, as would have stocked Bartholomew
fair for a whole season, or. else you could never
have shown such a fat gut to your lean parishion-
ers. Thou art a wicked reprobate, I'll warrant
thee, replied the priest: prithee desire the minis-
ter of your parish to teach you the Lord's prayer
and the ten commandments, that thou mayest not
be damned in the next world for the sin of wilful
ignorance. Thank you, master, for your advice,
cries old Grizzle ; but I believe it to be the first
20 tom brown's jester.
you ever bestowed so generously without being
paid for it.
No sooner had we steered clear of divinity, hat
we overtook a quaker and his handmaid, with vrhom
our merry pilot thus began his drollery. Well
done, holy ones ; I see Aminadab will have his
Abigail, as well as the wicked ones their harlots.
By and by it will be, when they get in private, -oh,
Abigail ! since the light of thy countenance hath
moved the outward man to uncover thy nakedness,
I say stretch thou forth one leg towards Dan, and
the other towards Barsheba, and hold up thy fleshy
idol, that I may raise seed unto thy husband Abra-
ham, who at present is a weak friend, and cannot,
as he ought, administer the comfort of wedlock un-
to thee his wife.—Out upon thee, says the quaker,
for-a foul friend ! oh generation of vipers ; that this
river Jordan should be so defiled in the hearing of
the saints by thy abominable utterance. Thus our
waterman's language so provoked the quaker, that
the spirit moved him to hold forth ; but rowing
contrary ways we had but a short benefit of his pi-
ous exhortations.
One came into an inn, and asked the host how
long he had lived th§re ?" About three days, sir,
said he : then pray, said the other, how many bar-
rels do you draw in a week ?
One swore an eel was the longest lived of all
creatures ; for it lived longest after it was dead.
A Quaker's Grace before Meat.—By T. Brown.
Bless this our dinner ; bless this tripe, and this
tom brown's jester. 21
loin of veal, for it was a molten calf that made Is-
rael to sin ; bless these potatoes and this custard,
for the land of Canaan flowed with milk and ho-
ney : bless all these tarts, for thy judgments are
tart, unless they are sweetened with the sugar of
thy mercy. Sowse us therefore in the powdering
tub of thy mercy ; that we may be tripes fit for thy
heavenly table. Wa^er us young shrubs with the
dew of thy blessing, that we may grow up into tall
oaks, and live to be sawed into deal boards to
wainscot thy new Jerusalem. Finally, let this din-
ner improve and nourish our bodies, so that we
may with love and holines embrace our sisters, to
the edifying of the spirit, in raising up the new man.
A person going through Cock-court, Ludgate-
hill, asked a young woman the name of it; upon
my word, sir, says she, it is such a nasty name that
I am ashamed to speak it. But pray do, says he :
Why then, replied Mrs. Innocence, 'tis called by
the name of that nasty thing which you men p—s
with.
When the late Mr. Kitchen died, one was say-
ing, What, will Death have his kitchen under
ground ? no, replied another, Death won't keep
the kitchen long, for the devil has bespoke it.
A simple fellow was making a great moan and
said, he had got such a pain in his feet, that he was
not able to lift up his hand to his head.
A Welshman hearing a malefactor, that was tri-
ed before him, say, concerning a mare he had stole,
TZ
TOM BROWN'S JESTER.
that he had brought it up from a colt: when he
came to be examined about a sword he had stolen,
swore by St. Davy it was hur own, for hur had
brought it up from a dagger.
Another Welshman s—tting from a bridge, good
s—t, by St. Bavy? said he, what a devil no plump ?
for he expected to hear his excrement fall in the
water; but all the while he s—t in his coat pocket.
A We'.shman seeing his master tearing some let-
ters, Pray, sir, give hur one, says he, no matter
which, to send to hur friends, for they have not
heard from hur a great while.
A long reach and a little conscience, said Tom
Brown, are as necessary qualifications for a minis-
ter of state, as a long hand and little fingers are for
a man-midwife.
A lady who kept a tame cone}' for amusement,
being weary of it, said to her footman, "John, I
think my coney begins to grow very troublesome ;
'tis always craving for food." If you please, ma-
dam, answered John, I'll feed it as often as you
desire, if it loves to suck gristle.
A Spaniard who was blind of an eye, bJng In
the gallery of a tennis-court, to see people play,
had his other eye struck out with a ball ; which
was no sooner done, but he unconcernedly took off
his hat, and only said to the company, buenos no-
ches, cavelleros, that is to say, good night to you,
gfentiemen.
TOM BROWN'S JESTER,
23
Whilst Claudius was emperor, a mother was at
law with her own son. The son was plaintiff, and
required that his mother might acknowledge him
for her son. The mother disowned him, asserting
he was an impostor. The reasons alleged on both
sides being alike probable, the emperor comdemn-
ed the woman to marry the young man. This wise
sentence, like that of king Solomon, evinced the
truth, and obliged this barbarous mother, rather
than commit incest, to own him for her son.
A young chaplain, who had neither a good voice,
nor skill in singing, yet thought every one admired
nim; often observed an old woman to fall a cry-
viig when the psalm was singing ; for which, one
day, he asked her before some of the chiefestof the
house, what moved her to weep so often when the
psalm was singing ? alas, sir, said she, when I lived
in the country with my husband, we had the mis-
fortune to lose a she-ass which was very profitable
to us, and your voice doth so much resemble
her's, that every time I hear you sing, I cannot
forbear weeping when I think of the poor crea-
ture.
It is, said Tom Brown, the business of the fire-
ships of the navy to burn, sink and destroy, their
enemies, and those of Covent Garden and the
Strand, to burn, sink and destroy, their friends by
whom they live.
The viceroy of Naplas, in a great siege, made a
strict order, that no person should walk in the
streets without a sword, that was above such an
24
TOM BROWN'S JESTER.
age : one day going along to see his order put in
execution, he saw one without a sword, and had
him brought before him ; the order then was read,
and, according to sentence, he was to be banged
upon the next sign-post: the gentleman pleaded
very strongly for himself; but no ways prevailing
desired that the next person might run him through
that came by; immediately appears a gentleman that
had lost even so much as the blade of his sword at
gaming, and had a wooden one fitted to the handle.
This gentleman being informed of the case, what
he was to do, appears very loath to stain his
hands with blood : but seeing he must do it,
he pulls off his cloak, and lifting up his eyes, began
his prayer, and desired that if the person ought not
to die, that his sword might be turned into wood ;
which it did to the wonder of all the spectators, and
the great joy of the condemned gentleman.
An old counsellor in Holborn, used every execu-
tion day, to turn out his clerks, with this compli-
ment ; go, ye young rogues, go to school and
improve.
Tom Brown used to say, " that a whore in the
business of love, was like farthings in the business
of trade; only used for the convenience of ready
change."
Three or four sharpers once dressed themselves
up like country bumpkins ; and putting on the air
and manner of the most ignorant of those kind of
people, they purchased two or three pounds of
TOM BROWN'S JESTER. 25
pork steaks ; and going into a public house, direct^
ly facing an eminent bankers, where the clerks
were counting over a great quantity of gold upon
the counter, and which place they had pitched up-
on for their purpose ; after prevailing with the land-
lady to dress them their steaks, and a cloth was laid
in a little room for their dinner, one of them takes
a pewter plate, that was properly prepared for their
design, and running into the street, without his hat,
bolts directly into the banker's shop ; and with a
west country accent, he goes directly up to the'
counter, where they were telling the money, and
with both hands immediately slaps down his plate
upon a great heap of guineas ; and roaring out at
the same time, zir, an you please, I want a vard?-
north of your best mustard. D—mn your ignorant
blood (quoth the clerk) if you don't get out of the
shop this minute, I will send you to hell for mus-
tard ; what do you come here for mustard for,
you rascal ? at this, the sharper quits his plate with
one hand, to prevent suspicion, and holding it
down carelessly with the other, but with the bot-
tom of it towards his thigh, that the clerk should
not see any thing, he replies to him (with an awk-
ward kind of a bow, and scratching his head with
his other hand) zir, I beg your pardon ; I thought
you zould every thing here ; I am zure the volks o'
th' house, yonder, bid me come o' this side oy th?
way vor't: and zo I hope you ben't angry with me
vor't, zir.
So away he goes over to his companions, much
better freighted than with mustard. For his plate
being charged on the other side with bird lime, it
was stuck as full of guineas as it could hold.
C
26 TOM BROWN S JESTER.
Mr. Jokish and Mr. Jackson, two tradesmen of
London, went to west-Chester fair to lay a little
money out; and being there one night, the cham-
berlain of the inn where they lodged, happened to
conduct them through an apartment where there
were two men in bed together. Mr. Jokish ob-
served that one of them was so plaguy long shank-
ed that his legs were half-way out of the bed ;
which he no sooner saw than he conceived a migh-
ty desire to have a little humour with them. And
as soon as they came into the next room, where
they were to lie, he says to the chamberlain, you
may now leave us, and we will take care of the
candle ourselves.------So when the chamberlain
was retired, he acquainted his bedfellow with his
design.------Did you observe (says he) the man in
the next room, with his legs half a yard out at the
feet of the bed ? Yes, replied Jackson ; and what
then ?------If you will hold the candle just at the
door, answered Jokish, and light me, and take it
away at my signal, I will show you some diver-
sion.------With all my heart! replied Jackson.
So they both of them pulled off their slippers, to
prevent making a noise. And as soon as Jokish
came into the room where the two men lay, he es-
pies by the bedside a pair of spurs; one of which
he takes up, and gently puts it upon the man's na-
ked foot that hung so far out of bed : and as soon
as he had buckled it fist, he beckons his friend
Jackson to take away the candle, and shut the door ;
and then he gives Teague (for he happened to be
an Irishman) a good hard pinch upon the same
foot that he had put the spur upon. The Irishman,
at this, begun to growl confoundedly, and hauling
TOM BROWN S JESTER. 27
up his feet into the bed, (though not awake) he
scratched his bedfellow's legs sadly with the spur ;
who, being a Scotchman, roars out, in a devilish
passion—De'el d—n you, sir, gen ye'fe not gang
out of the bed, and cut your toe nails, by G—d !
ise throw ye oot o1 tii' window !—The Irish-
man being yet asleep, and not in the least sensi-
ble of what had passed, soon after thrust down his
legs as they were before. Then Jokish gave him
another pinch by the toe, and up the Irishman
hauls his feet again, and scratches the Scotchman's
legs as before ; at which the Scotchman began to
pummel the Irishman heartily ; presently after, the
Irishman, rolling his feet about the bed, struck the
rowel of the spur into his own leg, which thorough-
ly awaked him. At this, he with some surprise,
putting down his hand to feel what was the matter
with his foot, cried out in a very great passion—
Arrah, d—n my shoul, but the horstler of dish inn
ish a very great rascal! for, by Chriesht ! but he has
pulled off both my boots, and like a d—d rogue has
left one of my spurs on.
During the time sir Thomas Moore was lord
chancellor of England, he used to send his gentle-
man usher, to his wife's pew to tell her that he was
gone ;—but the next sunday after he had given up
the chancellorship, he came himself to her pew,
and used the words of his gentleman usher, madam,
his lordship is gone.
The same person, when he was sent prisoner to
the tower, one of the officers claimed his upper
garment (meaning his coat) for a fee; he present-
28
TOM BROWN'S JESTER.
ed him his cap, telling him that was his upper gar
ment.
The same person being asked, after his con
demnation, and before his execution, whether he
had changed his mind ? yes, answered he, for I in-
tended to have been shaved ; but, as I am to die
so soon, I will let my heard grow. Whether it is
fashionable in death's icy dominions to wear a beard,.
I know not; but, if it is not, no doubt but his
gloomy majesty has barbers enough in his realm
to shave me.
When a messenger came to acquaint him that
he must prepare for death, he called for a cham-
ber-pot, and having made water in it, he viewed
it, and said, " I see nothing in this water, but that
I may live if the king pleases."
When he was in prison, and had his books and
every thing taken from him, he shut up his win-
dows day and night ; saying, " as his goods and
tqols were taken away, it was time to shut up
shop."
When he was on the scaffold, and going to be
executed, he said to the executioner, Friend, you
will get no credit by cutting off my head, my
neck is so very short. You are mistaken, my lord,
answered the hangman, for if I do it well, I shall
have the greater credit, because a difficult job is
the greatest proof of skill.
A linen-draper being asked by a woman, how
tom brown's jester. 29
much would be sufficient to make a shift, told her,
if she was a reasonable woman she might make a
shift with one yard.
One seeing a bare-legged fellow running, said,
Do you hear, friend ? When those stockings are
worn out, I'll give you a new pair : You may save
yourself the charge, said he, for they have lasted
me these thirty years, without repair, and I have a
pair of breeches of the same, and every whit as
old, and yet you may see, sir, there is but one
small hole in them, about big enough to put your
nose in.
A person told a deformed, ill-natured fellow>
that he was topic enough to convince an atheist that
the world was made by chance; for that the chaos
had more symmetry and proportion.
An Irish officer in Minorca, was found by a gen-
tleman, who came to visit him in the morning; a
little ruffled, and being asked the reason, he repli-
ed, that he had lost a pair of fine black silk stock-
ings out of his room, that cost him eighteen shil-
lings ; but he hoped he should get them again, for
he had ordered them to be cried, with a reward of
half a crown for the person who brought them.
His friend observing, that this was too poor a re-
compense for such a pair of silk stockings : poh,
man, replied he, I directed the crier to say they
were worsted.
A countryman, that lived near Sittingbourn in
Kent, had a very sickly wife, which had reduced
C2
SO TOM BROWN S JESTER.
him to a very low condition, and a doctor of great
repute being come into those parts, his wife per-
suaded him, who was a very ignorant man, to car-
ry her water to the new-come doctor, and see
what his judgment was: accordingly the poor man
goes one morning with her water, and being had
into the room where the doctor was, Good mor-
row to your worship, sir ;. Confusion, says he;
physician, thou would'st say, says the doctor.
Truly, said the countryman, I am no scholard, but
a man very ingrum and unrude ; but ray wife hav-
ing p-------d in a po<? I have brought it to your doc-
torship, beseeching you to taste her water. So the
doctor took the water, and put it into a urinal, and
having viewed it, said, my friend, I find thy wife is
very weak. I found that myself long ago, said the
country man, for I have had a wench this quarter
of a year to lead her up and down the house: I
did not bring her water to know that. Was you
ever with any doctor before ? said the physician.
Yes, indeed, sir, said he, with many a one to my
cost. What did they tell you her distemper was ?
said the doctor. Truly, the}7 tell me she is in a
presumption. Consumption, thou should'st say,
said the doctor. I told you before, said the coun-
tryman, that I did not understand your allegant
speeches : but I believe you speak true enough, for
she has well nigh consumed all that ever I had.
Well, but does she keep her bed ! said the doctor.
3\To, truly, sir ; for being hard put to it for money,
I was fain to sell her bed, a fortnight, ago. Is she
not very costive ? said the doctor. Costly, said the
countryman, your worship's in the right on't there,
indeed; for she hath cost me all that I have upon
TOM BROWN'S JESTER. 31
her already. Said the doctor, you mistake me, 1
do not say costly, but costive : I mean is she loose
or bound ? Indeed, sir, she is bound to me during
life, and I am bound to her too, the more is my
sorrow. Ay, but prythee, said the doctor, tell me
plainly, how does she go to stool ? Why, truly as
she goes to a chair, I am fain to have one to lead
her. Pshaw ! says the doctor, I see thou dost not
yet apprehend ! I must be plain to make thee un-
derstand, how does she go tc s—t ? as to that, sir,
the same way as other folks do, the backward way ;
she has a free passage behind still. But I mean,
says the doctor, is it thick or thin ? Oh, as to that,
says he, in the morning it is so thick, you may cut
it with a knife : and at night, 'tis so thin, your wor-
ship may eat it with a spoon.
A boy was reading, the devil was a lawyer from
the beginning, instead of a Iyer from the beginning.
When Mr. Howell, the celebrated fire-eater,
came first to London, a gentleman in the green-
room at Covent-Garden house said, on reading the
advertisement, it was a pity he had not come soon-
er. to have prevented the mischief done in Corn-
liill ; for, by the account he had given of himself,
he would have eat that fire up presently. And
while they were disputing about the man's abilities,
Sir, says Mr. Quin, I look upon him to be the
greatest man in the world, for he is in no fear of
fire, and may bid the devil kiss his a—se.
One seeing his son do mischief, cries out, sirrah,
did you ever see me do so when I was a boy ?
32
TOM BROWN'S JESTER.
In a popish country, where days of abstinence
are strictly kept, two travellers called for a couple
of pullets for supper. The woman of the house
told them she durst not dress any flesh ; but, about
a mile farther, they might have what they would.
Very good, says one of the travellers, and why not
here as well ? Alas ! says the woman, they are on-
ly sworn, and may do what they please, without
hurting themselves ; but for us, who are bound, it
would absolutely ruin us.
A gentleman playing at romp with a young lady,
complained she had given him a confounded prick
in his hand. 1 am very sorry for it, said the lady ;
but if you are resolved to avenge the affront, you
may give me a prick in my hand, if you choose it.
A countryman passing by the watch in the city,
they stopped him—he told them he was in haste, but
asked them who they watched for ? They said, for
the King (meaning the King's watch.) For the
King ! says he, then by my troth, 1 can bring very
good witnesses that I am no such man ; for T'se
even Johnny Thump, of Yorkshire, and have been
of an errand for my master.
Pope having been lighted home by a link-boy,
offered to give him somewhat less than he expect-
ed ; upon which he demanded more ; Pope protest-
ed that he had no more half-pence left; repeating
a term familiar to him, when a little vexed, God
mend me ! The boy rinding that nothing was to be
got, went away muttering loud enough to be over
iieard, « God mend me—God mend me, quotha!
TOM BROWN'S JESTER.
33
Five hundred such as I might be made before one
such a crooked son of a bitch as you could be
mended lv Pope, on this, called him back, and
gave him half-a-crown as a reward for his wit.
Tom Brown, seeing a very little gentleman with
a prodigious broad brimmed hat, said, give that
gentleman such another hat below, and you may
serve him up to the King's board, between two
dishes.
A gentleman who was always very generous to
his rich relations, and took no notice of his poor
ones, was once riding through a river, in the midst
of which his horse stood still and staled ; whereup-
on his servant wittily said to him—" Sir, your
horse now resembles yourself, for he bestows his
moist bounty to the overflowing streams, when the
ground is almost barren for want of water."
What complaints can my husband make of me !
said a techy wife. I have a mind to all that he has
a mind to ; he has a mind to be master, and so
have I.
There was a poor young woman who had brought
herself even to death's door with grief for her sick
husband ; but the good man, her father, did all he
could to comfort her. Come, child, said he, we are
aH mortal ; pluck up a good heart, my child, for let
the worst come to the worst, I have a better bus
band in store for thee. Alas, sir, said she, wha
do you talk of another husband for ?—why, you
nad as good as stuck a dagger into my heart. No,
IIa
34 tom brown's jester.
110 ; if ever I think of another husband, may------f
Without any more ado, the man dies, and the wo-
man immediately breaks out into such transports
of tearing her hair and beating her breast, that ever
ry body thought she would have run stark m id I
upon it. But, upon second thoughts, she wipes
her eyes, lifts them up and cries, Heaven's will be
done !—and, turning to her father—Pray, sir, snys
she, about the other husband you were talking of;
is he here in the house ?
Tom Brown, drinking some beer at a petty ale
house in the country, which was very strong of the i
hop, and had hardly any taste of the malt, was ask-fj
ed by the landlord if it was not well hopped ? Yes,
answered he, and if it had hopped a little further
it would have hopped into the water.
Tom Brown happening to dine in a pretty large
company, where a num-skul! observing him to help!
himself to some dainties, cried out—What, do you
poets indulge yourselves in such luxuries? Whyj
not, answered he, do you think the wisdom of
Providence designed good things for none but such
blockheads as you ?
A young spark seeing a pretty girl, said, sweet I
heart, give me leave to kiss your hands and feet. '
O lack ! sir, said she, you are in extremes to aim
at both high and low at once ; for I have often
heard there is virtue in the middle, and there you
may kiss—and if you will not you may let it alone.
One having a scolding wife, swore he would
tom brown's jester. 35
drown himself; she followed him, desiring him to
forbear, or at least to let her speak with him
Speak quickly, then, says he. Pray, husband,
if you will needs drown yourself, pray take my
counsel, to go into a very deep place, for it will
grieve my heart to see you long a dying.
A married man having got a wench with child,
was told by the justice, that he thought such a man
as he would not have defiled his bed so. You mis-
take, sir, said he, there was no defiling the bed in
the matter, for it was done in the field.
One Mr. Ash, who was himself a famous punster
in Ireland, coming into an inn, desired the landlord
to lend him a hand to pull off his great coat. In-
deed, sir, said he, I dare not. Dare not ! replied
the other—what do you mean by that ? You know,
sir, answered he, there is an act of Parliament
against stripping of ash.
A very fin3 lady, who had the gout, asked Dr.
M—, what was the occasion of the gout ? Whoring
and drinking, madam, said he.
A pragmatical coxcomb passing along a narrow
street, met a corpse that was carrying upon men's
shoulders, in order to ba interred, and for some
time refused to give way to the corpse. Pray,
sir, said one of the bearers, don't grumble to give
way to your betters ; for the person here inclosed
is now a companion for a king.
Tom Brown being asked by a lady, who was the
36
TOM BROWN'S JESTER.
most unhappy of all men ?—answered, he who I
thinks himself so.
An arch boy being at table where there was a
piping hot appie-pye, putting a bit into his mouth,
burnt it so that the tears ran down his cheeks. A
gentleman that sat by, asked him why he wept ?
Only, sai^ he, because it is just come into my re-
membrance that my poor grandmother died this
day twelvemonth. Phoo J says the other, is that
all ? So, whipping a large piece into his mouth, he
quickly sympathized with the boy ; who, seeing his
eyes brim full, with a malicious sneer, asked him
why he wept ? A pox on you, said he, because you
were not hanged, you young dog, the same day
your grandmother died.
A man being asked by his neighbour how his
sick wife did, made this answer. Indeed, neigh-
bour, the case is pitiful, my wife fears she shall die,
and I fear she will not die, which makes a most
disconsolate house.
Louis the Fourteenth having one day found a
louse on Marshal Basso mpier's clothes, had a mind
to banter him about it; whereupon the Marshal
told him—pray, sir, don't laugh at me for it, lest
your Majesty make people believe there is nothing
but lice to be gotten in your Majesty's service.
A country farmer going across his grounds in the
dusk of the evening, saw a young fellow and a lass
very busy near a five-bar gate, in one of his fields,
and calling to them to know what they were about
, TOM BROWN S JESTER.
S7
No harm, farmer, said the young man, we are only
going to prop-a-gate.
One crossing a King in his hunting, he rides af-
ter him with his sword drawn ; pray, sire, says he,
do not knight me before my eldest brother is dead,
for I am but a younger brother ; which turned the
King's fury off in a laughing humour.
There was a young lady of admired beauty, who
after a long and strait siege of a garrison town,
wherein she dwelt, became exposed, with other vir-
gins, to the violence and fury of the soldiers. One
of these having deflowered this maid, demanded of
her how she felt herself? Oh, said she, never had
a poor distressed maid more pleasure with less sin.
A mistress of a boarding school at Chelsea, who
was very red-faced, taxing one of her scholars with
some faults, the young lady denied it, but coloured
at the accusation. Nay, says the mistress, I am
sure it must be true, for you blush. Pardon me,
Madam, says she, it is only the reflection of your
face.
An old gentleman, the very first night that he
went to bed to his lady, she sent forth a shriek :
and being asked the cause—how could I avoid it,
said she; if the embraces of a husband be so cold,
what coldness shall I find in the arms of death.
A young woman growing big with child, who had
two gallants, one of them with a wooden leg, the
question was put, which of the two should father
D
38 t©m brown's jester.
the child. He who had the wooden leg offered to
decide it thus : If the child, says he, comes into the
world with a wooden leg, I will father it, if not, it
must be your's.
A monk, in his sermon, said to his audience, let
us admire, my brethren, the prodigious strength of
Sampson, who, with the jaw bone of an ass, put a
thousand Philistines to the sword.
An honest curate in the country, remonstrating
to a married couple, whu did not live together in
the most agreeable union, on the indecency and
even sinfulness of their contentions, since they were,
in the eye of God and man, but one. But one!
cried out the husband, surely if you was to come
by the door, and hear us in the height of our quar-
rels, you would swear we were twenty.
A country fellow coming to Blackwell, and see-
ing the ships, asked one who stood by, what they
were ? who told him they were ships. So pointing
to one of them, pray, said hp, how old is that ? They
tcld him two years old. How, says the fellow, and
so big already !—Lord, what a huge massy thing it
will be by that time it is as old as I am.
Two servants discoursing over a pot of ale, of
their master's hospitality, one said, his master kept
a very noble Christmas this year, for he killed an
ox every day; tush ! said the other, my master
killed an ox and a half.
A young lady being compelled by her parents to
TOM BROWN'S JESTER.
39
marry a very old man, on being asked how she
liked matrimony, by one of her acquaintance, gave
the following account :—Upon our wedding-day,
the old fellow was so over-joyed that he had noos-
ed me fast, that he had made himself drunk long
before any of the company were merry, with no-
thing but Canary sops, and was at last forced to be
brought to bed in a chair, just after the manner that
church-wardens send lame beggars to an hospital.
The brideman had no sooner disrobed him of his
wedding plumes, and tumbled him out of his hand-
barrow into kennel, as a scavenger shoots his rub-
bish upon a lay-stall, but he f—ted twrice in the
hearing of the company, and stunk so abominably,
that the guests could not stay to eat the sack-pos-
set, or perform the ancient ceremony of flinging of
the stocking; but wished me much joy of my
cleanly bed-fellow, and so departed the chamber.
By this time he was as dead asleep as if he had eat
nothing for his wedding dinner but opium, and
drank nothing for his evening draught but juice of
poppies. Bless me, thought I, what a snoring
beast of a withered mortal has Heaven sent me for
a husband ! If this be marrying, I believe I shall
continue a maid ; for I cannot conceive myself in
much danger of losing my virginity. I must con-
fess I had a mighty itch to be better satisfied in
what Hymen had sent me ; and at last (thoroughly
assured he was asleep) I ventured, between hope
and fear, to make a manuel enquiry after the nup-
tial pacificator ; but found age had stole away all
the comforts of a married life, and had not left be-
tween us both, so much as one inch of benevo-
lence.
40
Two Irishmen having travelled on foot from
Chester to Barnet, were confoundedly tired and
fatigued with their journey; and the more so,
when they were told they had still about ten .miles
to London. By my shoul and St. Patrick, cries one
of them, it is five miles a-piece, let's even walk on.
A good woman having drank too large a morn-
ing's draught, fell asleep in the church, and at
length began to snore ; upon which one jogged her ;
says she, pray give the cup to my gossip there, for
I can drink no more.
One Chambers and Garret, riding by Tyburn,
says Chambers, Here's a brave tenement, if it had
a garret. I wonder, says Garret, thou shouldest
talk so simply ; there must first be Chambers be-
fore there can be a Garret.
Two scholars passing by a windmill, stood for
some time viewing it; the miller looking out of
a little wicket, seeing them, asked them what they
would have, and what they stared at ? Why, says
one of them, we are looking at this thing: pray
what is it ? Why, says the Miller, don't you see ?
Where are your eyes ? It is a windmill.—We crave
your mercy, sir, said the scholar, we took it for a
jail, seeing a thief looking out of the window.
A gentlewoman being on horseback, and having
a hole in her gown, a country fellow seeing it,
says, Mistress, mistress, you have got a hole in
your a—e! I know that, says she, and you may
come and put your nose in it.
j
TOM BROWN S JESTER. 41
One was reading in the old testament, that Mo-
ses made an ointment for the shins of the people,
instead of Moses made an atonement for the sins of
the people.
A lady was saying she had overthrown her ad-
versary ; at which, one of her servants said, Ay,
Madam, he took a wrong sow by the ear, when he
meddled with your ladyship.
A gentleman and his servant, riding into the
country, they met a fellow a-stride upon a cow.
The man calls out to his master, O, sir, says he,
yonder is a strange sight ! a fellow is on horseback
on a cow, That's a bull, says the gentleman.
Nay, sir, says thu man, it is not a bull, I know it
is a cow by its teats,
A gentleman being once reproached for voting
against his conscience ; the charge is false, said he,
I never had a conscience.
A large first rate whore endeavouring to pick up
a gentleman, who objected to her size, told him,
that a large house might have small apartments.
One having a very good stomach, was invited to
dinner, but having some extraordinary business, he
stayed till they had almost dined. How to get his
belly full, he could not tell, but sits down very
melancholy in a chair ; says he, it is a sad accident
that happened to your neighbour Green just now,
for looking out at a window, he put both his eyes
out; away the company runs to this neighbour's
D2
42 TOM BROWN'S JESTER.
house, in the mean time he makes an end of their
dinner for them ; on their return, they told him
they did not think he was so great a liar; says he
again, what I say is true, for none can put their
heads out, but their eyes must be out likewise.
An apothecary having cheated a country fellow
of a hare, by persuading him it was a cat; his wife,
to be revenged of him, filled a deep pot of t—d,
and puts the depth of three ringers of honey on the
top, which she carried to the apothecary's, and he
being greedy of it at an under rate, bought it: Not
long after, the plot being discovered, his com-
panions jeered him, and asked him, whether the
cat that eiit the hare, had s—t that honey.
A citizen, more tender of his wife than himself,
used to make her go to bed first in the winter-time,
and lie in his place to warm it, and then called her
his warming-pan ; which she not well relishing,
went according to her usual custom to warm his
bed, and left something smoaking in the place $ he
suddenly leaped into it, and finding himself in a
stinking pickle, Wife, said he, I am bes—t; No,
husband, said she, it is but a coal dropped out of
your warming-pan.
A gentleman being asked by a neighbour, how
he did? Do ! sir, said he, why, I think I do very
well; but really I cannot get my wife to think so.
An old gentleman who had married a fine young
lady, being terribly afraid of cuckoldom, took her
to task one day, and asked her if she had consider-
TOM BROWN'S JESTER. 43
ed what a crying sin it was in a woman to cuckold
her husband ? Lord, my dear, said she, what do
you mean ? I never had such a thing in my head,
nor ever will. No, no, replied he, I shall have it
in my head, and you will have it somewhere else.
A deaf fellow coming to London, to sell a tur-
key, at Hyde Park Corner, had occasion to untruss
a point; a gentleman passing by, intended to put
a joke upon him ; Countryman, said he, there's a
t—d under you ; the man thinking he asked the
price of his turkey, said, four shillings, master ; I
say there's a t—d under you, said the other. It is
as good as ever you eat in your life, said the fellow,
either baked or roasted. You rascal, said he, I
could find in my heart to kick you soundly.
Choose^ said the fellow, if you won't another will.
One Hog was to be tried before Judge Bacon?
who told him he was his kinsman ; Says he, no
Hog can be hacon till it is hanged} and then Fll
alloio you to be my kinsman.
A Countess coming into the dressing-room of
her daughter, a young lady about fourteen, whilst
she was at her toilet, and observing her very busy
in setting her person off to the best advantage,
herself being in full dress, and richly adorned with
jewels ; asked the girl, what she would give to be
as fine as her Mamma ? To which miss replied,
Not quite so much as your ladyship would give to
be as young as I am.
One jesting with his maid-servant, who was pass-
44 tom brown's jester.
ably handsome, but very lean ; said, I wonder Jane,
thou art no fatter, thou dost eat thy meat hear-
tily, but dost not thrive upon it; thy mistress
eats not the fourth part of what thou dost, and yet
you see how plump she looks : to which Jane re-
plied, I only eat at set meals, but my mistress hath
her strong broths before dinner, and warm jellies
after dinner ; and puts more into her belly, than
you or I ever saw or heard of.
One Jordan, a precise Mayor, had a Fiddler
brought before him, upon the account of vagrancy
and strolling ; the mayor asked him, What differ-
ence there was between a rogue and a fiddler ? he
told him, The same difference as is between a piss-
pot and a Jordan.
A lawyer's clerk was in love with an extreme
pretty girl, courted her and agreed to marry her.
The wedding entertainment was provided, and
among others, the clerk's master was invited. In
the heat of dancing, a sigh, caused by indigestion
or windy food, escaped the bride the contrary way,
and loud enough to be heard by all the company,
who burst into laughter : She blushed, and the
bridegroom was so confounded and enraged, that
he instantly broke off the match, to which no re-
monstrances nor intreaties could reconcile him ;
he imagined his acquaintance would jeer him for
ever upon this accident, and he left the house in a
pet. Great was now the disorder of the guests !
the clerk's master, who was one of them, and
though a man in years, had eyed the girl with great
attention? and was smitten with her beauty, not oa-
TOM BROWN'S JESTER. 45
ly condemned his clerk's excessive delicacy, but
proposed to repair the injury he had done the girl,
and offered her marriage on the spot. Piqued at
her lover's desertion, and pressed by her friends,
who foresaw the advantages of such a match, she
consented, and they were married immediately.
After marriage, she behaved to him with so much
modesty and discretion, that dying soon after, he
left her mistress of a very opulent fortune. Being
now a widow, handsome, young and rich, she had
many offers of marriage, but accepted only the
Marshal de L'Hospitai's, Governor of Paris ! who
also dying soon after, left her once more a widow,
though with greater additions of honour than of for-
tune. Her person and character were now so ami-
able, that Casinir King of Poland, residing in
France, after his abdication of the throne, fell in
love with her and married her. So great a fortune
perhaps never took its rise from so burlesque an
incident.
A Welshman, in heat of blood challenged an
Englishman at sword and buckler ; but the En-
glishman giving him a lusty blow on the leg, which
vexed him, he threw down his weapon swearing,
Splut, was not hur buckler broad enough, but hur
must hit hur on hur leg.
A templar went at Christmas into Yorkshire,
and took some other templars along with him, and
upon one of the holy-days he would have them to
aa ale-house hard by, where the woman was deaf;
so coming thither, O my young masters, says she,
I have not seen you this seven years ; then he
46
TOM BROWN'S JESTER.
r i
thinking to abuse her, drank to her, saying, here's
to thee, and to all the whores, rogues, and bawds
in England : She seeing his lips go, but could not |
hear him, said, Come, sir, I will pledge you, for I f
know you drank to your father and mother, and ;■
those good gentlewomen your sisters. <
Two men fighting together in a frosty morning,
one stiuck the other's head off; but fearing the
Law, took up the head again, being reeking hot, ,
and clapped it on, which immediately was fro-
zen on. Then they both went to the ale-house
to drink, and he whose head was fastened, his nose
began to drop, and he going to blow it, his neck |*f
being thawed by the great fire, threw it quite into
the fire; which saved the ether's life.
A person asked an Irishman, why he wore his
stockings the wrong side outwards? Who answer-
ed, because there was a hole on the other side.
At a play-house, two commedians being on the .'
stage, the one asked the other, where they should :
meet? who presently looked up in the gallery ,and saw
a young fellow's hands under a wench's petticoats, £
Why, we will meet at the sign of the Hand-in-
Placket; the fellow perceived the discovery, and ~
bashfully withdrew his hand ; nay, says the actor, '
friend, if you take away the sign, we shall never
find the house.
A gentleman having been a hunting, and being
very hungry, came to another gentleman's house,
tom brown's jester. 47
where he found ready a chine of beef, which he
liked so well, that he commanded his servants to
cut out all his beef in chines.
Three great masters of their trade, a vaulter, a
barber, and a fencer, contended together who was
the best experienced in his art; the vaulter said,
he leaped and sat a stag in his full course ; the bar-
ber said, he shaved a goat running ; the fencer, in
a rainy day, said, he so brandished his sword over
his head, that not a drop of rain fell upon him.
Let him judge which was the best, that believes the
story.
One coming along late one night, was stopped
by a constable, who asked him what he did out so
late, and what was his name ? My name, says he,
is Twenty Shillings. Where do you live ? says the
constable. I live, says he, out of the King's do-
minions. So, says the constable, where have yon
been ? Says he again, where you would have been
with all 3'our heart. It may be so, said the con-
stable ; but where are you going ? Where you
dare not go for your ears. I do not intend it, says
the constable, to-night, but you shall go to the
Compter. The next morning, he was brought be-
fore a magistrate, who checked him for answering
the constable so crossly. Sir, said he, it was
partly the truth. As to the first question^ my name
is Mark Noble ; to the second, I live in Little
Britain ; to the third, I had been drinking a glass
of good Sack ; and to the last, I was going to bed
to my wife. So for the joke-sake was dismissed
without fees.
48 TOM BROWN'S JESTER. ")
A gentleman married with a cockney, and being
desirous to show her the country, as they were go-
ing through a meadow, there was a tree, upon one
of the boughs whereof, a mole catcher had hanged .
up many moles that he had taken; the young woman
seeing it, said, look you, husband, wThat a fine .
young Black-pudding Tree is here !
A poet going over Lincoln's-Inn-Fields, one who
pretended himself a maimed soldier, begged an
alms of him ; the poet asked him by what authori-
ty he went begging ? Sir, said the soldier, I have
a license. A license ! said the poet, lice I con-
sider thou mayest have, but sense thou hast none,
to beg money of a poet.
In Bourdeaux, a gentleman being in his vineyard,
saw some hogs there, and in a great passion swore
ihey belonged to some cuckold, cuckold-maker,
rogue, villain, or rascal, and bid his man go turn
them out. His man, hearing what his master said,
returned, crying, Hold, sir, hold, the hogs are your
own. The devil they are, said he, so much the
better ; I cannot help what I said, for it is many
an honest man's case.
A quaker being in bed with his own spouse, in
the middle of the night, about the ninth hour, she
pulled him, saying thus unto him, Ezekiel, awake !
What sayest thou, Tabitha, the wife of my bosom ?
Arise, said she, speedily and quickly, and make no
longer tarrying nor delaying, but enter into the
next room, and nigh unto the place that pays tri-
bute to Caesar, there standeth a wicker-ehair
tom brown's jester. 49
whereon hangeth a garment called a red petticoat;
dive into the pocket, and take out thence two far-
things, then go to Obadiah the tallow-chandler, and
buy two candles, light one of them and bring it
presently, for I fear our youngest son Nehemiah
has bes—t himself.
Two Welshmen at an inn, had a dozen of eggs
for breakfast; and after they had paid, and gone a
mile out of town, one said to the other, he was
glad he was there, for hur did sheat hur landlord
this morning, for in hur shix eggs which hur had,
hur had two chickens and hur paid never a varding
for them.
A young fellow who had more fortune than wit,
being at dinner at the house of a gentleman of dis-
tinction, a young lady that was there, was taken
with a fainting fit, and while every body hastened
to her assistance, some with smelling-bottles, and
some with other helps, proper on such occasions ;
says the spark, with a sneer, " there is no great dan-
ger, 1 suppose it is only a breeding qualm :" Sir,
says a gentleman that sat near him, with a severe
tone, the lady is a. sister of mine, and has been a
widow these two years. Pardon me, replied the
spark, who did not extremely'like his looks, and
was willing to palliate the offence, s3ie looks so
young and so innocent, that I really took her for
a maid.
A lump of ill-manners, sitting by the fire-side,
was very eager with his father to gape, or yawn,
which he refused; whereupon the indulgent mo-
E
50 TOM BROWN'S JESTER.
ther cried, 'Prithee yawn, since the child will have
thee yawn : why then, I will yawn, says he ; the
son seeing that, cried, mother, mother, look yonder,
is that not a vine oven to bake a t—-d in ?
A fellow was blaming his sweetheart, telling her
she was false to him ; she, to clear herself, used
many imprecations, bidding him, to mark her end ;
nay, as for that, said he, I shall not so much mark
your end as I shall your middle.
As a citizen and his wife were crossing the
Thames in a boat, the citizen heartily wished all
cuckolds were thrown into the middle of the river.
Dear husband, said his wife, can you swim ?
A braggadocia swore, that he met with two
great enemies at one time, and he tossed one so
high in the air, that if he had had a baker's basket
full of bread, he would have starved in the fall ;
and the other he struck so deep into the earth,
that he left nothing to be seen but his head and
one arm, to pull his hat off to thank him.
A Dutch schipper being detained in Denmark,
petitioned the Queen that she would intercede for
him with his Majesty, for leave to return to Hol-
land, that his trade might not suffer. If you ob-
tain this favour for me, said he to the Queen, I
will give you two large bales of Holland, finer
than this my shirt is made of, which he showed
her very handsomely through his c-d-piece.
A good old porter to a monastery was used to
TOM BROWN'S JESTER.
51
say, that, generally speaking, their devotions began
by,—I believe in God, and usually, ended with the
resurrection of the flesh.
Two persons eminent for their wit, in order to
exercise their talents, agreed that one should ask
a question in poetry, and the other would answer
it; when one proceeded as follows :—
Suppose our Monarch should command,
A naked woman to the Strand ;
What would you do in such a mattery
To keep the folks from laughing at her ?
To which the other answered—
If such a thing should come to pass9
Why, put your nose into her a—ey
And when the stink begins to stir,
Thetfll laugh at you and not at her,
Some gentlemen being in a tavern, as they were
in the height of their jollity, in came a friend of
theirs, whose name was Sampson. Ah, said one,
we may now be securely merry, fearing neither
Serjeant nor bailiff, for though a thousand such
Philistines should come, here is Sampson, who is
able to brain them all. Sir, replied Sampson, I
may boldly venture on so many as you speak of,
provided you lend me one of your jaw-bones.
A lady having two suitors, one tall, and the
other short; a gentleman asked her, which she
liked best; Indeed, sir, says she, I like the tallest,
if all things are proportionable.
A person having a wry nose, another told him
52 TOM BROWN'S JESTER.
he knew what his nose was made of, and what it
was not made of; why, said he, how is that ? It is
not made of wheat, 'tis made a'wry, replied the
other.
One was talking of a woman that always hit her
husband in the teeth with his horns ; says a sim-
pleton, What a fool was he to let his wife know he
was a cuckold !
A little slender woman was asked how she durst
,venture on so big a man ? O, says she, a little worm
may lay under a great stone.
A gentlewoman told her son, who lived a very
irregular life, that she was very angry with him for
being so fond of a person who had been the death
of his father : If you were a worthy son, you would
endeavour to revenge the murder. Who is it ?
says the son. Intemperance, replied the mother.
A deformed lady sent for a portrait painter, and
asked him how much he must have to draw her
picture ? Twenty guineas, says the painter. That's
too much, replied the lady. Not at all, madam,
says he, for it requires ten times more skill to draw
a mishapen figure to perfection, than it would to
draw a beautiful lady.
A landlord % asked a woman how many children
she had ? She said sixteen ; and how many alive ?
says he ; why, truly, said she, I cannot tell, but I
will reckon them up as well as I can ; first, there's
Tom, then Will,,Jack and Harry, and one great
TOM BROWN'S JESTER.
53
loggerhead-rogue, as like you, landlord, as if he
were spit out of your mouth.
A puritan said, he fasted one day in Lent:
What, says one, was it Good Friday ? No, says he,
it was Ash Wednesday ; and the reason of it was,
I eat so much on Shrove Tuesday, that I had no
stomach to eat anything on Ash Wednesday.
One of our late kings was riding a hunting, and
coming to a gate which he must go through, saw a
country clown at it, and said, Prithee, fellow, open
the gate : The fellow knowing who he was, says,
No, an please your grace, I am not worthy of that
office, hut I will run and tell Mr. Holt, who is a
justice of peace two miles off, and he shall come
and open it f©r your grace. So he ran away, and
left the king to open the gate himself.
A very little gentleman was one day a hunting,
and his servant asked a clown, whether he saw any
gentleman ride that way ; truly, said he, I saw a
hat upon a saddle, galloping that way a while
since.
Tom Br own9 s relation of a humorous dialogue,
which passed between a Buck-wit, and an emi-
nent Physician, at a coffee-house, in Covent-
garden.
Buck. Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, I want some of
your medicines, Doctor :—will you prescribe for
me, Doctor ?
Doctor. What is your disorder, sir ?
Buck. Why, I believe I want purging, Doctor ;
E2
54 TOM BROWN'S JESTER.
for I have a confounded large quantity of crabbed
wit in me ; cannot it be carried off by purging,
Doctor ?
Doctor. What, is it troublesome, then ?
Buck. 'Faith it is, Doctor, damned troublesome,
confounded troublesome; I often procure rae a
broken head by it; and have already, merely on
that account, almost got the ill-will of every body.
Doctor. And yet you cannot leave it off?
Buck. No, Devil take me if I can, Doctor. I
endure all their censures, and ill-usage patiently,*
as I do your impertinence, Doctor.
Doctor. Now, sir, as I have a strong inclination
to be a wit, I should be glad if you would inform
me what are the necessary qualifications.
Buck. Tools, Doctor, tools ; if you were always
with me, Doctor, I should be always qualified for
a wit: but I can do nothing without a tool, Doctor.
Doctor. But let me advise you, young fellow, to
be cautious how you meddle with edge-tools, for
they sometimes prove to be of a very dangerous
consequence.
Buck. Yes, Doctor, in an unskillful hand ; but
I would have you to know, Doctor, that I am able
to manage a tool as well as most people •—I can
handle ye, Doctor, as well, as well as any man.—
But pray now, Doctor, prescribe for me.
Doctor. First explain your case more fully.
Buck. In short then, Doctor, I am so much ad-
dicted to wit, that I would sooner break a limb at
any time, or part with tiie best friend I have in the
world, than lose an opportunity of making a pun,
or a repartee. I would sacrifice my life and repu-
tation for a bon mot. Pray, good Doctor, think
TOM BROWN'S JESTER. 55
of something to cure me of this deplorable
malady.
Doctor. Why, sir, I can prescribe an absolute
remedy ; though, perhaps, you may not have cou-
rage enough to go through the operation ; and yet,
it is so very trifling, that as you so strongly solicit
a cure, you cannot be against it:—'Tis only to cut
your tongue out, sir ; nothing in the world else !
and then you may be assured that you shall never
speak to offend any person again so long as you
live. If you consult the whole college of physi-
cians, they cannot recommend any thing more ef-
fectual.
Buck. Doctor, Doctor, you are mad ! Part with
my tongue ! No, not for a kingdom ! Doctor, Doc-
tor, you are a drug, a mere drug !—When I want
a vomit, I'll come and look at ye, Doctor ; and so
your most obedient humble servant.
In this ceremonious manner the buck-wit took
his leave ; when the Doctor, smiling at his folly
and impertinence, said, his absence was exceeding
good company.
To verify the old proverb, which says, One mis-
fortune seldom comes alone ; another buck, who
pretended to be a great critic, approached the Doc-
tor ; and was so complaisant, or rather impertinent,
as to enquire after his health, &c. ; when the Doc-
tor, being a very affable man, and much of a gen-
tleman, returned his civilities ; and to enforce con-
versation, amongst other things, he asked him what
was the best news ? " The best news,'7 answered
the-buck critic, " is what cannot be exceeded or
equalled ; for the word best, is an adjective of the
56
TOM BROWN S JESTER.
superlative degree; it is the highest degree of com-
parison. Therefore, Doctor, in answer to your
question, the best news exceeds all other news
whatsoever."
The Doctor made no answer ; but I could easily
perceive he was a little displeased ; and to avoid
any further impertinence, took a newspaper in his
hand ; which occasioned the buck-critic to return
to his company again. And I, thinking there was
no more sport going forward, and being a little fa-
tigued with the business of the day, made my exit,
and went home to bed.
A beggar asked Molier for alms ; he gave him,
through absence of mind or mistake, for a less valu-
able piece, a louisdore. The poor fellow on per-
ceiving it, hobbled after him, and told him of it;
upon which Moliere returned it to him, with an
other louisdore, as a reward for his honesty, ex-
claiming, " My God ! what a lodging Virtue has
taken up with there."
A lady, not over favoured by Nature in her per-
son, seeing in a public room a stranger at a loss for
a seat, reached him a chair, which civility the cox-
comb repaid with the following compliment,
" Curse me, madam, though you are not handsome,
you are very obliging."
9 One being invited with his wife and daughter to
"inner on a sabbath-day, brought along with him
two Jittle dogs; and coming to the house, he thus
saluted the inviter with this compliment: " Sir, do
you want any more guests ? I have brought my
TOM BROWN'S JESTER. 5/
whole family with me, myself and two bitches, my
wife and daughter,
A gentleman being at church, had his pocket
picked of his watch, and complaining of it to a
friend of his, he replied, had you watched as well
as prayed, your watch had been secure : but the
next watch you carry about you, remember these
lines :
He that a watch ivould wear, this he must do,
Pocket his -watch, and watch his pocket too.
A poor man who had a termagant wife, after a
long dispute, in which she was resolved to have
the last word, told her, if she spoke pne crooked
word more, he would beat her brains out: " Why,
then, ram?s-horns, you rogue," said she, " if I die
for it."
One told another, who did not use to be cloath-
ed very often, that his new coat was too short for
him ; that is true, answered his friend, but it will
be long enough before I get another.
A gentleman was saying one day, at the Tilt
Yard Coffee House, when it rained exceedingly
hard, that it put him in .mind of the general deluge.
Zoons, sir, said an old campaigner, who stood by,
Who is that ? I have heard of all the generals
in Europe but him.
A wise barber having been to trim a gentle-
man at night, was bid to take a candle to
light him down stairs ; which having done, and
58
TOM BROWN?S JESTER.
lighted himself down, he very orderly brought
it up again, returning thanks, and so went down
stairs again in the dark.
One wept because his wife was dead ; said an-
other, it is the best dish of cold meat you have in
the house ; I wish I had it home, and you had my
wife instead of it, scolding hot.
Some persons talking of a fine lady that had ma-
ny suitors; Well, says one among them, you may
talk of this great man, and that great man, of this
lord, and t'other knight ; but I know a fellow,
without a foot of estate, that will carry her before
them all. Pho ! damme, that is impossible, says
another, unless you mean her coachman.
A gentleman, who loved every thing that was
foreign, and was extremely fond of hard names,
dining at a friend's house, asked him, what the
name of the wine was, of which he had just drank
a glass at table : His friend knowing that it was
but injlifferent, and recollecting that he had bought
it at Stock's Market, told him, it was t'lie true Sio^
ko-Marketto ; upon which he found the wine ex-
cellent, and gave it great encomiums.
A gentleman whose wife was dead, and not yet
buried, had given such extravagant marks of afflic-
tion, that on being missed for a little time, his
friends were afraid he had laid violent hands upon
himself. Upon this, they suddenly burst open the
door of the chamber in which he was, and found
him in the height of a fit of consolation with his
TOM BROWN S JESTER. 59
maid. They began to reproach him for such be-
haviour so soon after the death of his wife : Alas,
said he, gentlemen, I am so distracted with grief,
that I really do not know what I am about.
One telling an old batchelor that a young man
of his acquaintance was just married: Alas, said
he, what a pity it is for one so young to come to
misfortunes.
One saying of an old lady who had married very
improperly, that she was rank flesh, or she had
never taken matrimony into her head at her
years. She has more of the fish in her, says an-
other, for it is plain she was steered by her
tail.
A tradesman newly made mayor of a little coun-
try town, in Scotland, meeting with an old friend,
who spoke to him, and by accident kept his hat
off, imagined it was done out of respect to his new
dignity ; upon which, bridling and composing his
muscles to great gravity, he said, Put on your hat,
sir, put on your hat, I am still but a mon.
A fat rosy abbot, asking a countryman one day,
how many Gods he believed there were ? I believe,
said the countryman, that there is no more than
one God, and he extremely ill-served by you
churchmen, who call yourselves his ministers.
A young fellow very earnest with a mistress who
coyed it with him, but with no great intention to
be much in earnest with her resistance ; said,
60 TOM BROWN S JESTER.
What are you afraid of, my dear ? upon my ho-
nour, I will do nothing to you : Then, upon my
honour, says the girl, J. will have nothing to say to
you.
A geiitlemanin the country, who had three daugh-
ters, discoursing one evening on rural affairs, and
the nature of vegetation, asked one of his daughters
what plant or herb she thought grew the fastest ?
The young lady replied, asparagus ; then he asked
the second, who answered, a pompion or gourd ;
And when the same question was put to the young-
est, she replied the pommel of a saddle ; which
very much surprising the old gentleman, he desired
to know what she meant, and how she could make
it out? Why, said she, when I was one day riding
behind our John, and the ways being so rough, that
I was afraid I should fall off, he cried, " Put your
hand about my waist, and lay hold of the pommel
of the saddle ;,? and I am sure, papa, when I first
took hold of it, it was not much bigger than my
ringer; and in less than a minute, it was thicker
than my wrist.
A Dutch commander being called in before a
board of trade, was told that there was a voyage
in projection of which he was to have the charge,
that it was a very dangerous one, but that it would
produce at least thirty per cent. Mynheer answer-
ed, that if his way to thirty per cent, lay through
hell, he would hazard the singeing of his top-sails.
A person advertising for a horse, thus concludes
his advertisement, " It would be needless for a
TOM BROWN S JESTER. 6l
Yorkshire jockey to apply, the person who wants
the horse being a Yorkshireman himself.7'
Tom Brown once, at dinner, being offered by a
lady, the rump of a fowl, and refusing it, the lady
said, pray, Mr. Brown, take it, the rump is the best
part of the fowl. Yes, madam, said he, and so I
think it is of the fair.
One being sentenced to die, fell on his knees,
and besought the judge to spare his life, for the
sake of his widow and his fatherless children.
A gentleman seeing a lady's legs, she lifting up
her coats a little too high ; said, Madam, you have
a handsome pair of twins. You are mistaken, sir,
answered she, for I have had several between
them.
An ancient lady having had a present made to her
of a fine stallion, going the next day into her sta-
ble-yard, ordered him to be brought out for her to
see, and then would needs have a mare brought out
to him : the groom asked her which ? Old Bess,
said she : Lord ! madam, answered the groom,
that will be to little purpose ! old Bess is too old
to be with foal. No matter for that, cried she, it
will refresh the poor old creature.—By this we may
guess what her ladyship thought a sefreshment for
a poor old creature.
A shoemaker promised a wench a pair of shoes
to lie with her ; according to bargain, after the
business was over, she demands them ; No, said
F
62
TOM IN » JESTER.
he, now the job's over , let him who rides thee next,
shoe thee for me.
A woman going to bury her husband, who had
been very severe to her ; she gathered all the old
shoes she could find, and conveyed them in her
apron to the grave; and when the parson said Ashes
to ashes, and dust to dust, she threw in all the old
shoes, saying, Here's a hole, and in you must, for
I have had many a scurvy kick betwixt you.
An insignificant person valuing himself highly
on being a member of parliament; Yes, says an-
other, whom he was insulting with his distinction,
so you are, but in no greater degree, than nails
and hair, which are excrements or members of the
human body.
One being at his wife's funerai, and the bearers
going pretty quick along, he cried out to them, Don't
go so fast; what need we make a toil of a pleasure ?
What's the reason, pray, that Sir J. C------r looks
so sad when night comes on ? 'Tis not because it
brings darkness along with it, but because day-
light ves him a candle.
Two ambassadors sent by the common-wealth of
Venice to Frederick II., Emperor of Germany,
seeing themselves slighted by him, because they
had no beard, by reason of their youth, said to him,
with a noble boldness, If our common-wealth had
thought your Majesty had valued the beard more
than the prudence of persons, she would have
TOM BROWN'S JESTER.
63
sent you goats with beards as long as you can
desire.
A horse-stealer was brought to be examined be-
fore a justice, who finding the felony apparent,—
Well, sirrah, says he, if thou art not hang'd for this,
I'll be hang'd for you ! I humby thank your wor-
ship, replied the thief, and when the time comes I
deshe you not to be out of the way.
One being choaked with a honey-comb, his
friends began to bemoan him ; Why do you make
such lamentation ? said another, For never did any
man die a sweeter death.
A person having a horse, very hardy, and but
very little stomach, he thought by degrees he might
make him live without hay or oats ; so subtracted
daily something from his meat, till at last the horse
died ; going to carry him off to the crows, his
neighbour asked, How came it to die ? Why, I
thought, answered he, to make him live on nothing ;
and just as I brought him to it, he died.
A person who had raised a handsome fortune
from a small beginning, happened to have some
words with another, who had known him for some
time, was asked, How he could have the impudence
to give himself such airs to one who knew him
seven years ago, when he had hardly a rag to his
a—e ? You lie, sirrah, replied he, for seven years
ago I had nothing but rags to my a—e.
When Madam de Signivi was laying down a large
64 TOM BROWN S JESTER.
sum of money for her daughter's portion, she said,
It is very hard I must give so much money to the
Marquis de Grignon, to lay with my daughter.
Then reflecting a little, she checked herself saying,
He is to lay with her to-morrow night too, and the
next night after, and every night; now I think of
it, he will not be much over paid.
A gentleman said of a young girl, who constant-
ly plied about the Temple, That if she had as much
law in her head, as she had in her tail, she would
be one of the ablest counsel in England.
A refugee minister in England said to one, who
blamed him for exchanging his own church for an-
other, only because it was more lucrative, That he
had seven powerful reasons for it, which were a
wife and six children.
A woman whose husband was to be hanged, the
night before he was to die, she goes to the Sheriff,
desiring him to staad her friend ; Good woman,
says he, your husband must die. I do not come
to desire his life, sir, says she, but that he be the
first hanged in the morning, because I have great
way to go, and my mare is old and lame.
A man was stopped by the watch, who asked
him what was his name ? he answered, Adultery.
Then, sir, I'll commit you ; Sir, says he, if you do,
your wife will be angry with you, for committing
Adultery upon your watch.
As the watch was passing by, a maid servant
tom brown's jester. 65
threw a p—s-pot upon their heads ; they being an-
gry, she asked who they were ? They replied, the
Watch ; Why then, harm watch, harm catch, says
the other.
A scholar blowing his fire, the nose of the bel-
lows dropped off. I see it is cold weather, says he,
for the nose of the bellows drops.
One having got a wench with child ; at which his
friends said, They wondered he could do so ; says
he, What need you wonder at me getting her with
chikl ? Indeed, if she had got me with child you
might have wondered.
A gentleman lying on his death-bed, called to
his coachman, who had been an old servant, and
said, Ah ! Tom, I am going a long and rugged
journey, worse* than ev?ryou drov? me. Oh, dear,
sir, replied the fellow (he having been an indiffer-
ent master) never let that discourage you, for it is
all down hill.
A smart fellow, thinking to show his wit one
night at a tavern, called to the drawer, Here, Mer-
cury, said he, take away this bottle full of empti-
ness. Said one of the company, Do you speak
that, Jack, of your own head ?
When recruits were raising for the late wars, a
Serjeant told his captain, that he had got him a ve-
ry extraordinary man : Ay, says the captain, pri-
thee, what is he ? A butcher, sir, replies the Ser-
jeant, and your honour will have double service of
F2
G6
TOM BROWN S JESTER.
him ; for we have two sheep-stealers in the com-
pany already.
A milk-maid having spilt her milk, said, I had
rather have lost my maidc*:i-head ; for I can't re-
cover my milk again ; but my maiden-head I could
have recovered, though I had lost it over and over.
A countryman used, when he clove wood, to cry
hem ! at every stroke ; and his wife observing that
then he struck with greater force, bid him at night,
when they were in bed, to cry hem ! No, said he,
I must not do so now, I intend only to bore, not to
cleave thee.
A gentleman galloping furiously over ploughed
land towards a town called Tame, meeting one,
says he, Is this the way to Tame ? Ay, says he,
your horse, if he be as wild as the devil.
And old woman, who had a very handsome
daughter, had a great jealousy and fear, that one
Mr. John Turner, a young fellow in the neighbour-
hood, had a great mind to be too busy with her;
and, as she apprehended, watching them pretty nar-
rowly, she caught them in the very fact upon the
bed in the garret ; upon which she hollowed out,
with a dismal groan, O John Turner ! John Tur-
ner ! No, I think, mother, said he, there's no occa-
sion, she lies very well already.
A chandler having had some candles stole, a
friend of his bid him be of good cheer ; For in a
TOM BROWN'S JESTER. ®f
short time, says he, I am confident they'll come to
light.
One meeting a gentleman in Moorfields early in
the morning, asked him for a morning's draught;
to which he answered, That he had been at the
Gun in Moorfields with a wench, and had spent all
his money; the other replied, guns and wenches
are both chargeable.
A jealous-pated fellow pictured a lamb on his
wife's belly, for he was going to sea ; and staying
out a long time, she began to have an itching de-
sire ; and her lover visited her, copied the lamb,
and put a pair of horns upon it; and when her
husband came home, he wondered at the horns :
Why, my dear husband, said she, 'tis two years
since you went, and by that time all lambs have
horns.
One passing by a fellow that was deformed, be-
gan in derision, to praise his arms, legs, face, and
other parts of his body ; which the fellow perceiv-
ing, and knowing himself abused, said, That he had
one property more, which the other had not taken
notice of; and being demanded what it was, look*
ing over his shoulder upon the other, said, This is
my property, I have a wall-eye in my head, with
which I never look over my shoulder, but I behold
a fool.
A woman being with child, her husband was
carving a couple of coneys, and beginning with the
flaps,, his wife called to him, Pray, husband, give me
68 TOM BROWN'S JESTER.
a flap o' th' coney ! What, says he, wife, before all
the company ?
A profound meditation upon a broom-stick,
by Dean Swift.
This single stick which you now behold lying in
that neglected corner, I once knew in a flourishing
state in a forest-; it was full of sap, full of leaves,
and full of boughs ; but now it is at the best but
the reverse of what it was, a tree turned upside
down, the branches on the earth, and the root in
the air; 'tis now handled by every dirty wench,
condemned to do her drudgery, and destined to
make other things clean and be nasty itself: at
length worn to the stumps in the service of the
maids, 'tis either thrown out of doors, or condemn-
ed to the last use of kindling a fire.—When I be-
held this, I sighed, and said within myself, surely
mortal man is a broom-stick ! Nature sent him into
the world strong and lusty, wearing his own hair
on his head, till the axe of independence has
lopped off his green boughs, and left him a wither-
ed trunk.
But a broom-stick, perhaps you will say, is an
emblem of a tree standing on its head ; and, pray,
what is man but a topsy-turvy creature, his head
where his heels should be grovelling on the earth ?
And yet he wallows in the very same pollutions he
pretends to sweep away. His last days are spent
in slavery to women, and generally the least de-
serving ; till worn to the stumps, like his brother
broom, he is eitner kicked out of doors, or made
use of to kindle flames for others to warm them-
selves by.
r
Tom brown's jester. 69
A taylor, blind of one eye, who came home
sooner than his wife expected ; in the mean time
she had entertained her lover, and could not tell
how to convey him out: but she goes to her hus-
band, taking him about the neck, claps her hand
upon his eye, and said, " My dear, I dreamt last
night, you could see with ^your other eye !" In the
mean time her companion slipped out.
Alphonsus, King of Naples, had in his court, a
fool, who used to write down in a book all the fol-
lies of the great men in his time that were at court.
The king one day having a Moor in his household,
sent him to the Levant to buy horses, with ten
thousand ducats. This the fool marked in his
book, esteeming it a pure piece of folly. Some
time after, the king, as he used to do when he had
a mind to be merry, called for the book, and found
at last his own name, with the story of the ten
thousand ducats. The king, being somewhat moved,
asked the reason why his name was there ? Be-
cause, says the jester, you have committed a piece
of folly, to give your money to one you are never
like to see again. But if he does come again, says
the king, and brings me the horses, what folly is
that in me ? Why, if ever he does come again, re-
plies the fool, I'll blot out your name, and put in
his.
A. barber was saying to a mower, That great per-
sons sate bare to him : Puh, said the mower, I can
s—t upon my work, and that you dare not do.
One being asked, Why he married so little a
BatejjjSjBrij&gfajjiU^M^SM
70 TOM BROWN'S JESTER.
wife ? answered, Of all evils we would choose the
least.
A prating woman having lost her teeth, asked a
physician the reason, she being young and health-
ful ? Why, I can't guess at any other reason, said
he, but that your tongue grates too much against■*
them.
One whose mistress's name was Field, said to
another, in the morning, See how I am bedewed
coming over yonder field : No, says the other, It's
rather by laying all night in the Field.
An elder brother commending his younger bro-
ther's green cloak, said it became him passing well:
Faith, brother, replied he, a mourning cloak, atyour
funeral would become me much better.
A gentlewoman who thought her servants always
cheated her when they went to Billingsgate to buy
fish, was resolved to go thither one day herself;
and asking the price of a fish, which she thought I
too dear, she bid the fish-wife about half what she
asked : Lord, madam, said the woman, I must have
stole it, to sell it at that price ; but you shall have
it, if you will tell me what you do to make your
hands look so white : Nothing, good woman, an-
swered the gentlewoman, but wear dog-skin gloves. J
D—n you for a lying b—h ! replied the other, my I
husband has worn dog-skin breeches these ten j
years, and his a—e is as brown as a nutmeg. i
A drunken fellow who h->* «old all his eoods to
TOM BROWN'S JESTER. fl
maintain himself at his pot, except his feather bed,
and at last, made away with that too ; when being
reproved for it by some of his friends, Why, said
he, I am very well, thank God, and why should I
keep my bed ?
A gentleman courting a lady, she told him, she
would not have him, if he would not tie himself
from taking tobacco, for she mortally hated it; to
which he, to please her, agreed : So on the wed-
ding-night he lay as still as if he had been dead ;
with that she asked him the reason of his being so ?
He told her, that she had obliged him not to take
that which made him active in all things, and put
vigour and life into him ; and without it he was al-
ways as inanimate as a stock or stone. With that,
says she, my dear,you shall have some; so she call-
ed the maid to bring up some good tobacco and
pipes; And when he had taken a pipe, he turned
to her and gave her a conjugal kiss, then she called
to the maid again, Prithee, Betty, Bring up a dozen
pipes !
A man whose name was Herring, dropping acci-
dentally into a river, desired one that stood on the
bank, to lend him his hand for the helping him out i
O, no, said he, by no means ; for water is the Her-
ring's proper element.
In a great storm at sea, when all the ship's crew
expected to be cast away, they went to prayers ;
and just as they were at prayers, a boy falls out a
laughing heartily : the captain asked him the rea-
son of it, especially at that dangerous time ? Whjfr
72 tom -brown's jester.
truly, sir, said he, I laugh at that man's fiery nose
there, to think what a hissing it will make by and
by, when it comes into the water.
A lighted candle falling out of a candlestick ;
says one that was standing by, You must stick it
fast, or it will fall again ; for I see it is light-
headed.
Three citizens walking in the fields, one said,
We shall have a great year of black-berries ; for
the last week, I plucked a handful of the fairest red
black-berries that I ever saw. A second person
laughed at him, saying, Red black-berries is a bull!
But the third person, with rcuch gravity, justified
what the former had said, and very sagely ques-
tions, Are not black-berries always red when they
are green ?
A certain man being to go a journey, his friend
advised him not to go that day ; for I believe, says
he, it will rain: No matter for that, says the other5
if it be but dry under feet.
A Spanish commander, that had been against
the Turks, when he came home, he told such im-
possibilities before the council, as all looked upon
not only as ridiculous, but audaciousness in him to
relate ; then the council ordered him to withdraw,
and called in one of the inferior officers, who did
not only back what his commander had said, but
reported a greater lie. One of the council reproved
him for it: O, my lord, says he, you must excuse
me, I do but my duty in following my commander.
TOM BROWN'S JESTER.
73
Then they told him, he had outdone his command-
er. Then I have acquired more honour, says he,
and I hope the king will reward me bountifully
for it.
A very fat gentleman riding through a town,
some of the ruder sort of the town fell a jesting of
him, and told him, That he carried his portman-
teau before, when it should be behind ; meaning
his great belly. O, says the gentleman, I always
carry it before me ; but especially when I ride
through a town where there is nothing but rogues,
whores, and pickpockets, for fear of having it
stole.
A young gentleman who had more good-will than
experience, being alone with a lady who did not
want for either, cried out, in a transport, Oh ! that
I had you but in a wood ! A wood ! says the lady,
smiling, that might be very well; but, methinks,
such a closet as this, with the door shut, and a vel-
vet-couch, is full as convenient a place.
A gentleman coming to an inn in Smithfield, and
seeing the ostler expert and tractable about the
horses, asked how long he had lived there, and
what countryman he was ? Fse Yorkshire, says
the fellow, and ha lived sixteen years here/ I
wonder, replied the gentleman, that in so long a
time so cbver a fellow as you seem to be, have not
come to be master of the inn yourself. Ay, an-
swered the ostler, but maister is Yorkshire too.
An English gentleman being reproached for his
G
Hti
74 tom brown's jester.
amours with Negro wenches, replied that, There
were fine nights as well as fine days.
A QUAKER'S SERMON.
Bear Brethren and loving Sisters,—We are met
and assembled together, and the end and meaning of
our meeting is this, which I shall unfold to you in
as few words, and as clear a sense as the matter
itself will bear.
Obadiah, our dear brother, who followeth the
lawful occupation of making shoes in the town of
Twittenham, near the river Thames, having occa-
sion to go to London, the man arose, took up his
staff, and walked. But, behold, as he was going over
Turnham Green, the north-east corner thereof, he
met with our sister Ruth, who cast such ogling
glances at the unfortunate Obadiah, and squeezed
his hand so sensibly, that the snake peeped from
out of the grass, and our dear friend Obadiah, was
forced to obey the all commanding-power, of the
little unlucky one: Whereupon he said unto her,
Dear sister Ruth, the spirit moveth me to lay thee
down, that I may multiply upon thee ; and she an *
swered him and said, Resist not the spirit, for from
thence proceedeth no evil. So he took her and
laid her down ; and when it came to pass that she
was down, and laid flat upon her back, he took up
her coats, even unto the Holland smock which
covered her nakedness, and covered her face, that
her eyes might not behold the wickedness she was
going to commit! So Obadiah let down his breech-
es, tell with his face downwards on our sister Ruth,
and so followed the motions of the spirit.
TOM BROWN'S JESTER.
75
But, my beloved, the intent was good, and that
appears plainly thus : Our brother was moved with
a fair and tempting object; and such temptations
who can withstand ? And secondly, he did not do
it after the ways of the profane, who say, G—d
dam.n me, 1 will do-so or so, and by G—d, you shall
do so or so ; but he said unto her, dear sister, the
spirit moveth me: whereby you may see his
intention was good, and that he did not do it to
satisfy the sensual and carnal appetite, but to raise
up seed to the brotherhood by propagation.
A person whose name was Noble, was boasting
in public company, that he was worth ten thousand
pounds, and that he had two brothers as rich as
himself: That's very false, replied one in the com-
pany, for by your own confession,* you and youf
two brothers put together make but twenty shillings.
An Irishman being asked why he fled from his
colours? said, his heart was as good as any man's
in the regiment, but he protested his cowardly legs
would run away with him, whatever he could do,
Tom Brown used to say, The Sabbath is a wise
institution, because the breaking of it keeps half
the villages about town.
In the rebellion in the year 1715, wben a dili-
gent search was making for the Earl of Derwent-
water^ in order to bring him to justice for his trea-
* A noble is 6s. Sd. and three iinies that sum is 20s.
76
TOM BROWN'S JESTER.
sonable practices, he was supposed to be conceal-
ed in some chamber in the temple; whereupon
the master of the temple ordered strict search to
be made in every corner by the. two porters of the
temple, and other proper officers. Upon this they
went to work, and in the midst of their search, they
found a gentleman's chambers shut, which they
immediately burst open, and going in his bed-room,
they saw him getting out of his bed, stark naked,
crying out, For heaven's sake, gentlemen, what do
you mean ? What authority have you to break
open my door ? What is your business here ? They
answered, they were come to search for the Earl
of Derwentwater. The templar assured them, he
was not there ; but they would not believe him ;
for one of them said, he saw somebodjr in the bed;
and insisted upon seeing who it was. This put him
in a strange confusion, for he had the head-por-
ter's wife in his bed ; and how to prevent being
discovered, he could not tell. At length a lucky
thought came into his head, and he pulled all the
bed-clothes from her, from the middle downwards,
and what they saw was sufficient to convince them
that it was not the Earl of Derwentwater : nor was
the head-porter wise enough to know, by her pos-
teriors, that it was his wife, nor had he the least
suspicion of it; but each, after peeping a little
while, and grinning at the venerable sight, made
their exit, and seemed very well satisfied.
One said that of all prisons in the world (if he
must needs go to one) he would choose to go to
Ludgate, because none came there but they who
had their freedom.
TOM BROWN'S JESTER. ff
When Tom Holland, who was quartered in
Fleet-street, had raised his landlord's maid'? beily^
whose name was Nell Cotton, it was wittily said,
That lie gave her a yard of Holland, and she gave
him an ell of Cotton ; and what harm is there in
that ?
A gentlewoman loved a doctor of physic, and to
enjoy him, she feigned herself sick ; the doctor be-
ing sent for in all haste, went up und stayed with
her an hour ; and when he came down, her husband
asked him, How she did ? O, says he, she has had
two such extreme fits, that if you had but seen one
of them, it would have made your heart ache. Ay,
and my head too, I am afraid, replied the hus*
band.
A country clergyman meeting a neighbour who
never came to church, although an old fellow of
above sixty, he gave him some reproof on that ac-
count, and asked him, If he never read at home ?
No, replied the clown, I can't read. I dare say,
said the parson, you don't know who made you ?
Not I, in troth, cried the countryman. A little boy
coming by at the same time, Who made you, child ?
said the parson : God, sir. answered the bey.
Why, look you here, quoth the honest clergyman,
Are you not ashamed to hear a child of five or six
years old tell me who made him, when you, who
are so old a man, cannot ? Ay I said the country-
man, it is no wonder that he should remember ; he
, as made but t'other day—it is a great whitej
! easier, sin I was made.
G2
78
TOM BROWN'S JESTER.
A lady ordered a Sun-dial to be made, and the
maker brought it home, with this motto :—
Time rapid flies, embrace it, man,
Alas, thy life is but a span.
The lady immediately ordered it to be altered thus:—
To us on earth few years belong /
This life is but nine inches long.
A rake being stung by a w—e, as"ked a benevo-
lence, and gave a good reason for it, saying, He had
lost all by fire.
A young woman, nineteen weeks after she had
been married, was brought to bed of a fine boy:
How now. wife ; says her husband, raethinks, this
is something too early. No, husband, you mistake ;
we only married a little too late. O, did we so,
says he, if ever we marry again, we will marry
sooner for that trick. But, husband, cried she, you
are ignorant of women going with child, for we go
twenty weeks by day, and twenty weeks by
night ; and I came but a fortnight too soon.
Well, says her husband, then I am contented.
One'was advised to venture at the state lottery;
No, says he, for seldom any body has luck but
cuckolds ; which his wife hearing, said, Pray, hus-
band, venture then, for I am sure you will have
good luck.
An unlucky rogue in Smithfield, being weeping
for some misfortune that befel him, and an old wo-
man coming by, and seeing him, asked him, What
he cried for ? Nothing, says he, but my father has
tom brown's jester. 79
gone the same way to his end that your husband
went. Which way is that, sirrah ? Why, he has
just now took shipping at Newgate, sailed up the
river Holborn, struck against the rocks at St. Giles's,
and was cast away at Tyburn.
Two women were chatting together ; says one,
My daughter has not laid her eyes together these
four nights: You fool, says t'other, how should
she ? Does not her nose lay between ?
Tom Brown says, a woman may learn a very
useful doctrine from a game of backgammon ;
which is, not to take up her man till she is sure of
binding him.
An old fellow, full of vigour and fourscore,
ventured boldly upon matrimony ; and being put
to bed to his young bride, after he had cleared his
utterance by coughing up the phlegm and spitting,
called his man to the bedside, and said, John, John,
turn me to my dear !
One being to go a journey in wet weather, he
over night desired his friend to tell him how he
might ride dry in boots. Why, said he, I know a
way, that is, eat in the morning three pickled her-
rings, and don't you drink all the day after ; and
if you don't ride dry in your boots I'll be hanged.
A French soldier, being to be hanged for deser-
tion, begged very hard of the general, that he would
grant him one small favour after he was dead,
which he promised he would. This, however, did
80 tom brown's jester.
not satisfy the poor fellow, who fell upon his knees
and begged he would swear it. Upon my honour
then I will? says the general.—And what may
this favour be which you have begged so hard to
be granted after you are dead ? Only to kiss my
a—se, says the soldier. Ay, is it so ? says the
general, then set him at liberty immediately ; for
I had much rather forgive his crime while living,
than kiss his a—se when dead.
One man asked another why his beard was
brown, and his hair white ? Because, says he, one
is twenty years younger than the other.
A would-be wit began jesting with a gentleman,
who told him he could not break a jest, but he
could break his head : and did so.
A country fellow came to a turner's shop to buy
a mat; man}^ were shown him, but he liked none.
Then to jeer the bumpkin, the turner brought forth
his wife and his daughter Mat, and told him, there
was all the mats he had : They will not do for me,
says the bumpkin, for I must have one that has
not been laid upon.
A scholar of Christ-church that was whimsical,
or, as we used to say, that had a maggot in his
head, always complained, that when he eat fish
they would rise in his stomach. No wonder, quoth
another, for they rise and leap after the maggots
in your head.
(
A certain couple, going to Dunmow in Essex, to
TOM BROWN* S JESTER.
81
demand the flitch of bacon, which is to be given to
every married couple, who can swear they have had
no dispute, nor once repented of their bargain in a
year and a day; the steward, ready to deliver it,
asked where they would put it ? The husband pro-
duced a bag, and told him in that ; That, said the
steward, is not half big enough. So I told my wife,
answered the good man, and I believe we have had
a hundred words about it. Ay, said the steward,
but they were not such ones as will butter any cab-
bage to be eat with this bacon ; and so hangs the
flitch of bacon up again.
A prodigal gallant, whose penurious mother, be-
ing lately dead, had left him a plentiful estate ; one
day being on his frolics, quarrelled with his coach-
man, and said, You damned son of a whore, how
you drive ! If I was out, I'd kick you into hell.
To which the coachman replied, If you kick me
there, I shall have an opportunity of acquainting
your mother how you spend your estate.
Two very honest gentlemen, who dealt in brooms,
meeting one day in the sreet; one asked the other,
how the d------1 he could afford to undersell him,
every where as he did, when he stole the stuff, and
made the brooms himself? Why, you silly dog,
answered the other, I steal them ready made.
A parson and clerk having a mind for a whet be-
fore service began, went to a tavern, but drinking
rather too mueh, the pastor, while the deputy was
singing a psalm, fell fast asleep in the pulpit; the
clerk observing it, and willing to excuse him, sung
82 tom brown's jester.
the psalm twice over ; but finding the faithful shep-
herd still sleeping, jogged him, and said, Sir, it is
out. To which the parson loudly answered, Why
then fill it again, supposing himself still in the
tavern.
An English gentleman bninjr in Brecknockshire,
often diverted himself with shooting; but, being
suspected not to be qualified by one of the busy
Welch justices, his worsnip told him if he did not
produce his qualification he should not shoot there;
For, said he, I have two little manors. Yes, sir,
said the English gentleman, any body may perceive
tbat. Perceive what ? cries the justice That you
have too little manners, says the other.
A gentleman speaking of Polly -------, the famous
courtezan, who had always abundance of fine
clonths, said, She was like a squirrel, for she cover-
ed her back with her tail.
An honest Highlander, walking along Holborn,
heard a voice cry, Rogue. Scot, Rogue, Scot ! his
northern blood, fired at the insult, drew his broad
sword, and looking round him on every side to disco-
ver the object of his indignation ; at last he found it
come from a parrot perched on a balcony within
his reach. But the generous Scot, disdaining to
stain his trusty blade with such ignoble blood, puts
up his sword again, with a sour smile, saying, Gin
ye were a mon, as ye're a green geuse, I would
split your weem.
The Rev. Mr. Brodie preaching one day at the,
TOM BROWN'S JESTER. 83
Kirk in Edinburgh, on hell torments, represented
them to be intolerable, by the extreme cold they
suffered there. And it being at that time very cold
weather, one of the congregation, after sermon,
took upon him to ask him the reason of so doing,
when all the eminent divines had preached it up to
be the reverse. O, sir, said he, I had good rea-
son ; for if I had told them it was hot, I should
have had them all run away to hell to warm them-
selves.
An Irishman having a looking glass in his hand,
shut his eyes and placed it before his face; another
asking him why he did so? Upon my soul, says
Teague, it is to see how I look when I am asleep.
One asked why a cuckold was said to wear
horns? it was answered, Because the wife was a
beast. Why, replied the other, should not the
wife wear 'em then ? No, says another, the hus-
band is the head, and there they ought to be placed.
A purse-proud, niggardly fellow, willing to leave
something behind him to perpetuate his memory,
ordered his statue to be carved in marble. When
finished and brought home, he asked a friend that
was present, if he thought it like him ? O dear !
sir, says he, nothing can be more so, it resembles
your very body and soul.
When Mr. John Droppe, of Magdalen College,
was proctor, he often met in his walks with one
Stone, a scholar. But Stone running away, and
Droppe being too nimble for him, Stone would often
84 TOM BROWN'S JESTER.
catch falls and do himself much injury ; whereup-
on the scholars used to say,
Gutta eavat lajndem, non vi sed scepe cadendo.
A scholar being locked out of the gates at col-
lege, desired his friend within to get him the keys.
His friend, Mr. Phil. French, of New College, an-
swered, Sir, you had better come in and speak
yourself, for I think I shall scarce procure them.
A parson preaching to his auditory, said, that
they must take up the cross and follow him ; which
an arch fellow hearing, went just beforetthe par-
son had done, and fbtched his wife upon his back,
and waited at the church door for the parson's
coming out ; so when he came, the fellow, with his
wife at his back, followed him home ; Well friend,
says the parson, what do you mean by all this ?
Why, sir, says he, did you not bid me when you
was in the pulpit, Take up my cross and follow
you ? and I have done as you directed me. Ah !
but, says the parson, this is not the cross that I
meant. Ah ! but, says the fellow, it is the only
cross that I have ; and I have been plagued with
her long enough already, and I do not desire to be
troubled with her any more.
A country 'squire being in company with his
mistress, and wanting his servant, cried out, Where
is my blockhead ? Upon your shoulders, sir, said
the lady.
A young lady being married to a very wild
spark, who had made away with a plentiful estate,
tom brown's jester. 85
and was reduced to some straits, said very inno-
cently to him one day, My dear, I want some shifts
sadly. D—me, madam, replied he, how can that
be, when we make so many every day ?
As two gentlemen were standing together, a
young lady passed by them, when one of them said,
There goes the handsomest woman I ever saw.
She hearing him, turned back, and observing him
to be very ugly, answered, I wish, sir, I could in
return, say as much for you. ' So you may, madam,
says he, and tell a d------d lie as I did.
One of a mean fortune, married a handsome gen-
tlewoman of a good estate, yet she must have a
gallant, and being in private with him, told him
how greatly she loved him ; but her husband over-
hearing her, said, believe her not, for she has told
me so these seven years.
The cocket writer at the Custom-house, whose
hand was as unintelligible as you can conceive any
scrawl to be, was one day called upon by the board
to explain his writing ; and after puzzling himself
sometime to no purpose, Gentlemen, said he, I beg
you'll send for some other person to explain it, for
it is no part of my business. I am cocket writer,
and not cocket reader.
At a commencement in Cambridge, Anno 1657,
the Praevaricator (whose name was White) told the
Oxonians that the Dean of Christ Church, Dr.
Owen, had as much powder in his hair as would
discharge eight cannons,—But Mr. Dan. Danvers
H
86 TOM BROWN?S JESTER.
of Trinity College, who was Terra? Fulius at Ox-
ford, told the Cantabs that were there, That he
wondered how the powder could make such a re-
port, seeing it was white, for White makes no report.
A country gentleman, having married a buxom
widow, a few weeks after marriage, found it neces-
sary to withdraw from the business of love for a
little while ; but not caring to let his wife into the
secret, he procured a subpoena, to be sent him to
attend as an evidence at one of the Courts in Lon-
don ; which showing her, he took leave, with
seeming regret, and set forward on his journey,
and was absent about a month. A few days af-
ter his return home, the said gentleman and his
lady were looking out at a window at their cows
grazing in a field adjoining; My dear, said he,
what is become of the bull, which used to be so
brisk among the cows here ? Oh ! child, says she,
he's subpoened, I suppose, to the other end of the
field.
A man who travelled the country, and got his
bread by flying upon a rope off the t' ps of stee-
ples, &c. applied once to a learned Bishop for
leave to fly from the top of the Cathedral, and en-
gaged some people of repute to speak in his fa-
vour ; to whom his lordship replied ; 'Tis incon-
sistent with my duty, and the nature of my func-
tion, to permit any man to fly from the church ;
but your friend may fly to It if he will.
A certain great man having a good living vacant,
by the death of a former incumbent, was solicited
TOM BROWN'S JESTER. 87
by many neighbouring clergymen of great learning,
for the next presentation ; all of whom he refused,
because they could not inform him who was Mel-
chisedeck's father ; which a young fellow of a col-
lege in Oxford hearing, he came to ask it for him-
self; Sir, says he, if you can tell me who was Mel-
chisedeck's father, you may stand a good chance.
That I'll do instantly, replied the young gentle-
man, and who was his mother too. And putting
his hand in one pocket, pulled out a purse of gui-
neas, saying, This is his father, my lord ; then turn-
ing his hand to the other pocket, took another
purse, and this, my lord, is his mother. Well, an-
swered his lordship, this is something to the pur-
pose, I confess; let me only count the syllables of
their names, and if they are right, you shall have
the living.
A friend of mine, near seventy, who was blessed
with a fine genius, but was very wavering and un-
stable in his disposition, was reproached with it by
another gentleman, who told him he could never
hold any resolution. Faith, sir, said he, you are
much mistaken. I have resolved not to kiss the
girls so much as I formerly did, and I am sure I
shall hold to that.
An Oxford scholar being at Cambridge ten days
together, they kept him drinking all night, that he
could never rise before dinner ; being asked how
he liked the place ? he said, Well enough, but the
worst of it is, there is no forenoon in it.
One keeping his chamber by reason of issuing
88 tom brown's jester.
sores in his legs, was asked, How he could keep
in so much, having such running legs ?
An Irishman on board a man of war, was desired
by his messmate to go down and draw a can of
beer; Teague, knowing that preparations were
making to sail, absolutely refused. Arrah ! by my
sboul, says he, and so while I am gone into the
cellar to fetch beer, the ship will sail and leave me
behind.
A gentleman, when a fire broke out in his wife's
apartments, which was just over the stables, cried
out to his servants, Villains, save my horses !
The Lady Francis C------d, took water at the
Old Swan to go to Westminster-stairs : during which
time one of the watermen, who was a very sociable
man, talked to her ladyship a great deal in favour
of women in general, and particularly of his wife's
neatness, which so pleased her ladyship, that she
gave him half-a-crown, for which he was very
thankful. Soon after which she said to him, Pray,
honest man, in what particulars is your wife so
^ neat ? Why, madam, answered he, she never goes
to stool but she first of all lets a bouncimg f—t to
blow the dust from the seat before she sits down.
A citizen was saying in company, that he never
had seen an ear of rye in his life. A young lady
then present, whose name was Miss Rye, said, at
the same time showing him one of her ears, Here,
sir, is an ear of Rye, which, if you please, you may
behold. The gentleman immediately caught hold
TOM BROWN'S JESTER. 89
of her ear and gave her a pinch ; Nay, madam,
said he, you have a ivry face too.
* Tom Br atoll's Will.
Imprimis—my departed shade I trust
To heav'n—my body to the silent dust.
My name to public censure I commit,
To be dispos'd of as the world thinks fit:
My vice and folly let oblivion close,
The world already is o'er-stock'd with those.
My wit I give, as misers do their store,
To those who think they had enough before ;
I give my patience to compose the lives
Of slighted virgins and neglected wives.
To modish lovers I resign my truth,
My cool reflection to unthinking youth :
My honesty to lawyers I devise,
And all my chastity to Polly's thigh's.
All this let my executors fulfil,
And rest assur'd, that this is Tom Brown's will,
Who was, when he these legacies design'd,
In bocty vigorous, compos'd in mind.
A CURIOUS COLLECTION OF CONUNDRUMS.
Why are Tom Brown's Jests like a sore leg ?
Because they are full of humour.
Why is the book called the Whole duty of Man
like a pair of breeches ? Because it contains the
duty of a husband to his wife.
Why is the foul disease like an impudent fellow ?
Because it takes people hold by the nose.
Why is an infant like a certain celebrated au-
thor ? Because it is Young. *
H 2
90 tom brown's jester.
Why are the torments of hell like a circle ? Be-
cause they have rlo end.
Why is H------e W------n like the House of Com-
mons ? Because many Members enter her ?
Why is Tyburn like marriage ? Because it ties
fast for life.
Why is Mrs.---------like the Mansion House ?
Because stones were har chief foundation.
Why is a eunuch like a poor fellow ? Because he
has got no-thing.
Why did Mrs.------make a cuckold of her hus-
band ? Because her conscience is above a yard long.
Why is four shillings and eleven pence like a
king at his coronation ? Because it is under a crown.
Why is a lame man like a good clock ? Because
he never stands.
Why is a leeky barrel like a coward ? Because
it runs.
Why is Scotch coal like a true lover ? Because
it burns with a pure flame.
Why is a cobbler like a parson ? Because he
mends the sole.
Why is day and night like soldiers upon centry ?
Because when one comes the other goes.
Why is a woman's tongue like a good clock ?
Because it never stands still.
Why is the Old and New Testament like a par-
son's gown? Because it contains a complete body
of divinity.
Why are lawyers the best parsons ? Because
they bring most to repentance.
Why is it impossible to ravish some women ?
Because they are willing.
Why is a poor man like a sempstress ? Because
he makes shifts.
tom brown's jester. 91
Why is a red haired lady like a band of soldiers ?
Because she bears fire-locks.
Why is an unbound book like a lady in bed ?
Because it is in sheets.
Why are most pieces of villany like a candle ?
Because they are brought to light.
Why is a lady in her shift like the Hague ? Be-
cause she is in Holland.
Why is a little girl in arms, like a woman that
comes before her time ? Because she is mis-carried.
Tom went out, and his dog with him ; he went^W^
not before, behind, nor on one side of him ; then
where did he go ? On t'other side.
Why are Patty C—t's breasts like a shrewd **■*
tongue ? Because they are provoking.
Why is F^nny M------like a Sergeant at arms?
Because she takes unruly members into custody.
Why is a boy on Shrove Tuesday like a pretty
girl ? Because he no sooner sets up a cock, but he
knocks him down again.
What does a woman delight to see ? A yard at
her fore-door,
Why is a drunkard with a fiery face like a Chris-
tian Monitor ? Because he puts in mind of Hell
fire.
Why is a Prime Minister like a May pole ? Be- .
cause it is a high post.
Why is a grave-digger like a waterman ? Because fl£
he handles skulls.
Why is my Lord Mayor like an almanack ? Be-
cause he serves but a year.
Why is thy wig, reader, like a butcher's shop ?
Because there is a calf's head in it.
Why is a bad pen like a wicked man ? Because
he wants mending.
92 tom brown's jester.
Why is Ireland like a bottle of wine ? Because
it has a Cork in it.
Why is a cobbler's stall like hell ? Because there
are bad soles in it.
Why is the moon like a weather-cock? Because
it often changes.
Where should a lady clap her hands, if a man
should enter a room where she was quite naked ? *
On the man's eyes.
Why is a man like a melon ? Because best raised
in a hot-bed.
Why is a drunken man like a coach wheel ? Be-
cause his head turns round.
Why is marriage like a curtain ? Because it
serves for a blind.
Why is a gun like a woman ? Because there is
an apron over the touch-hole.
Why are men like timber ? Because they often
prop-a-gate.
Why are forward girls like a lucky merchant ?
Because their commodities have an early vent.
Why are young girls like an old crazy ship ? Be-
cause they want breaking up.
W^hy is Betty S------like a cistern ? Because she
requires to be tightly plugged.
Why is a first floor like a lie ? Because it is a
story raised.
Why is a blind man heavier than one that can
see ? Because he is not so light.
Why is a w—e like a comet ? Because she has a
fiery tail.
Why is a woman with child like a gentleman ?
Because she shows her breeding.
Why are weather-cocks like the sea ? Because
they wave.
TOM BROWN'S JESTER. 93
Why is a saddle like a mule ? Because it is be-
tween a horse and an p—e.
Why is a cribbage-board like a new married la-
dy ? Because she is pegged up and down.
Why is a parish-bell like a good story ? Because
it is often tcli'd.
Why is a fish-hook like a bull ? Because it is
sometimes baited.
Why is a man in a fever like a burning candle ?
Because he is light-headed.
Why is a madman like two men ? Because he is
a man beside himself.
Why is a malefactor like the root of a tongue ?
Because he is down in the, mouth.
Why is the keeping a w—e like a gun ? Because
she is chargeable before she fires.
Why is a man with a bad memory like a covet-
ous man ? Because he is for-getting.
Why is a lock like an hospital ? Because it is full
of wards.
Why is a man that is deceived like a girl in.
leading-strings ? Because he is mis-led.
Why is a difficulty overcome like a knight on
horseback ? Because it is sur-mounted.
Why is a looking-glass like a philosopher ? Be-
cause it reflects.
What's a man like that is in the midst of a great
river and can't swim ? Like to be drowned.
Why is a skittish young horse like a coy girl ?
Because he is loath to be mounted.
Why is a drawn tooth like a thing forgot ? Be-
cause it is out of the head.
What is a man like in the midst of a desert,
without meat or drink ? Like to be starved.
94 tom brown's jester.
A COLLECTION OF RIDDLES.
My mother bare me in the field ;
Soon after I was sold ;
And then to kiss a lady's thighs,
I oftentimes made bold.
Soon after I was made divine,
And much admir'd by some;
At length, for which I now repine,
I wip'd a beggar's b-m.
Some hemp ; afterwards made into a shift; the
rags of which made paper, whereon ivas printed a
sermon, which was at length put to a base use,
I know a lady young and fair,
That has a thing o'ergrown with hair;
With which she takes delight in bed,
And dearly loves to have it fed.
A lady^s lap-dog*
Though very strange, 'tis very true,
V/hat I shall now relate ;
I am in number only two,
And yet I'm forty-eight.
Two shillings, which is forty-eight half pence,
I daily breathe, yet have not life,
And kindle feuds, yet cause no strife.
A pair of bellows.
TOM BROWN'S JESTER* 95
My master often lies with me,
His wife I oft enjoy ;
Yet she's no whore, nor cuckold he,
And true to both am I.
My clothes nor woman fit nor man,
Theyr'e neither coat nor gown ;
Yet oft both men and maidens, when
They're naked, have them on.
What's oft my belly, is oft my back,
And what my feet, my head;
And though Fm up, I have a knack,
Of being still a-bed.
Abed.
Fm in every one's way, yet no Christian I stop t
My four horns ev'ry day,
Horizontally play,
And my head is nail'd down to the top.
A turnstile,
1 cannot either eat or drink,
I often speak, yet never thrnk 5
I teach men lessons how to die,
And very seldom tell a lie.
A clock.
My mother is a man,
And all my sisters too ;
Deny it if you can,
That what I say is true.
A person whose name was Man*
9§ TOM BROWN'S JESTER.
My voice is heard a mile or two,
1 talk so very loud ;
I speak when lover's cease to woo3
And when they wear a shroud.
A bell.
I more than women's fancies change,
Yet never leave my post and range.
A weathercock.
*Tis often obtain'd with care and cost,
And is no sooner got than lost.
A maidenhead.
In a small cell I live, that is arch'd overhead,
Not with stone, brick, or plaster, wood, silver, or
lead,
I am grateful to all from the crown to the prince;
Yet excepting my feeling I want every sense.
Tho' sometimes in dainties, and wealth I abound, }
I'm sometimes so poor that I lie on the ground ; >
No liquor or food in my house to be found. j
I travel as well by the night as by day,
And am seldom or ever found out of my way.
If yon touch but my doo^, tho' I can't see or hear,
(As already I've said) yet I know you are there.
If you rap ne'er so gently, as I live all alone,
I strait make all fast, and will open to none.
For to open ray door when with force you contrive,
I'm turn'd out of doors, robb'd and buried alive.
An oyster.
Hi
97
EPIGRAMS, EPITAPHS, TALES, FABLES,
SONGS, &c. &c.
Grace he/ore meat ; spoken extempore by a gentle"
man at the table of a miser, who, once'in his
life, made a sumptuous entertainment.
Thanks to this miracle, for 'tis no less,
Than to eat manna in the wilderness.
Where hunger reign'd, there we have found relief,
And seen the wonder of a chine of beef;
Chimneys have smoak'd that never smoak'd before,
vAnd we have eat, where we shall eat no more*!
epigram.
With Sylvia, said a noble lord,
Few other girls can vie !
She never spoke an idle word,
Nor ever told a lie.
If what is here affirm'd for fact,
Be disbeliev'd by some,
Tell them, whenever they object,
The harmless thing was dumb.
On a Lady, who by falling down, her clothes flew
up behind, and what ivas there, showed to the
view of the company.
Poor Celia slipping, had a fall,
And show'd her naked b-m to all,
Which did such beauteous charms display;
It sham'd the lustre of the day,—
I
98 tom brown's jester.
Transported at the sight, I cry'd,
In pity, gentle Celia, hide
The dazzling beams of your b—ks—e !
For should it lie uncover'd thus,
All human kind would crave a buss.—-
Assist me all ye sacred nine,
To praise a b-m that's all divine ;
Not all the goddesses on high,
Who reign above the starry sky,
Should they turn up their tails to view,
Can show an a—e as fair as you!
The Town Lady to her young Admirer,
Away, young foo! ! give all thy flatt'ries o'er I
I'm neither saint nor angel, but a w—e;
If thou'rt in love, and wounded art by me,
I'll prove thy kind physician for a fee.
If thou hast any fond desire to do't,
Be generous at once, and let's go to't;
Money's alone the god that makes us kind,
For that we give up all you men can find;
For gold we show you all love's pleasing crotchets;
But shut our legs to those that shut their pockets.
Sarah, the ivifc of Abraham, a Taylor.
From Abraham's bosom, full of lice,
To Abraham's breast in Paradise,
The soul of Sarah took its flight,
And bid the lousy rogue good night.
wmmammmamn*
tom brown's jester. 99
Verses written in a lady^s u Sherlock upon Death"
Mistaken fair, lay Sherlock by?
His doctrine is deceiving;
For while he teaches us to die,
He cheats us of our living.
To die's a lesson we shall know
Too soon without a master ;
Then let us only study now,
How we may live the faster.
To live's to love, to bless, be blest
With mutual inclination ;
J Share then my ardour in your breast,
And kindly meet my passion.
But if thus blest I must not live,
And pity you deny ;
To me, at least, your " Sherlock" give,
'Tis 1 must learn to die.
THE V—S POT.
Presumptuous p—s pot, how durst thou offend?
Compelling female's snowy knees to bend.
To kings and queens we humbly bow the knee,
But queens themselves are forc'd to stoop thee.
To thee they cringe, and with a straining face,
They ease their grief by opening their case.
In times of ne^d thy help they do implore,
And oft to ease their ailments make thee roar.
Oh ! that I was.a p—s pot, but to see,
That charming secret they impart to thee !
100
TOM BROWN'S JESTER.
I
An Epitaph on True, Queen Mary's Dog.
Now envious Fate has claim'd his due,
Here lies the mortal part of True ;
His faith and truth all Whitehall knows; )
He ne'er could fawn or flatter those >
Whom he believ'd were Mary's foes* )
Ne'er sculk'd from whence his sov'reigirled him,
Nor ever bit the hand that fed him.
Read this, ye statesmen, now in favour,
And mend your own by True's behaviour.
An Epitaph.
Here lies the body of Barren Teg,
Who had no issue but her leg ;
Which really was so very cunning,
That tho' quite still, 'twas always running,
To a canting Author of Satire against Wit
The simple preacher cries all wit is vain,
Unless 'tis like his godliness—for gain—
Of most vain tilings he may the folly own,
But wit's a vanity he has not known.
Fable— The Candle-fame and Moth.
A candle-flame, one winter-night,
Beheld a moth come flutt'ring by't,
And with endearing softness, said,
" My pretty thing be not afraid ;
" And from me thus so shyly turn ;
(i For tho' I'm lire, I never burn :—
TOM BROWN'S JESTER.
101
" I do assure thee, from my heart,
" I never yet have cans'd a smart ;
" Moon-like, at eve I shine so bright,
" That you and others may have light;
" The artist form'd me for that end,
" And not to scorch and kill a friend,
" Come, then, and lean upon my breast,
" For I'll not hurt thee I protest.5'
The Moth, too credulous to fear,
That instant to the blaze drew near 5
And after flying round about,
Embrac'd the flame and roared out—
6i Oh ! oh ! thou base deceiver,-oh !
"Villain ! how could'st thou serve me so?
Ci Good Gods !—What tortures I endure J
661 quite despair of any cure,
" So burnt am I from head to feet.—
u Rascal, to say thou hadst. no heat!"
Here interrupted icy death,
And quickly fled his vital breath.
Thus men who go within the doors
Of vile diseased common w-------s,
3Lil*e moths, embrace a flaming fire,
And in tormenting pains expire.
An Epigram.
As through the grass a subtile serpent stray'd,
To Strephon's arms ran Sylvia—trembling maid;
But in the swain a subtler serpent found,
Whose sting though sweet, with venom swell'd the
wound.
12
102 tom brown's jester.
Epigram.
GiJes Jolt, as sleeping in his cart he lay,
Some pilPring villains stole his team away.
Giles wakes and cries—u What's here, a~dikin !
what!
" Why, how now, am I Giles ?—or am I not!
cc If he,—I've lost six geldings to my smart:
"Ifnot,—odds boddikins, I've found a cart I
Epitaph.
Here lies the vile dust of the sinfullest wretch,
That ever the devil delay'd to fetch :
But the reader will grant it was needless he should.
When he saw he was coming as fast as he could.
Cloe's Character by Mr. Pope.
Her voice is as clear as'the stream %
Her character light as tire sun ;
Her dealings are hard as a stone ;
But her promise as sure as a gun.
An Epigram.
A ragged prig extoll'd himself,
As born of mon of note ;
Cries Blunt, you've got a coat of arms,
, But no arms to your coat.
On the Death of Tom Brown.
Alas, poor Tom ! his breath is rled,
And he inhabits with the dead ;
Death lov'd his wit, and sternly cried,
" Come, dwell with me,"—and then he died.
■^
TOM BROWN'S JESTER. 103
The Exchange.
While Careful scolds his daughter Molly,
And tells her she's undone,
By tying with her lover Folly,
Their neighbour's eldest son.
My maidenhead is gone (cries Miss),
Yet what care I a farthing :
I gave him mine, but I've got his,
And pleasure in the bargain.
An Epigram.
Once on a time I fair Dorinda kiss'd,
Whose nose was too distinguish'd to be miss'd$
My dear, says I, I fain would kiss you closer, .
But tho' your lips say ay, your nose says, no sir
The nymph was equally to fun inclined,
And plac'd her lovely lily hand behind ;
Here, swain, says she, you may securely kiss,
Where there's no nose to interrupt your bliss.
An Epitaph on a Methodist Lock-smith,
A zealous lock-smith died of late,
And soon arriv'd at Heaven's gate,
Where mute he stood, and would not knock,
Because he meant to pick the lock.
On a window in a coffee house, in Fleet-street.
If kisses were the only joys in bed,
Then women would with one another wed.
Fable.— The Breast and Stays.
Alas ! my heart's with grief opprest !
Thus banish'd from mv Cloe's breast.
104 tom brown's jester.
(
Where sweet ambrosial odours dwell)
And sentenc'd to this gloomy cell
Thus fallen from my happy state/
I stand and peep at Eden's gate,
Thu spake a shorten'd pair of stays,
And thus the breasts, for answer says :—•
I own I was by thee conceal'd,
But Fashion bids me be reveal'd ;
And that, you know, we must observe,
Though it from modesty would swerve ;
For, since 'tis taste to go quite bare,
I'll be as other bubbles are.
Whence came this taste ? the stays replies^
It only feasteth lustful eyes.
The snowy pillows silent lay,
As meditating what to say :
At length, I heard them this repeat:—
All breasts go bare in Catherine-street.
Epitaph on a Cobbler,
Let drop one tear my gentle friend,
And pitty this poor cobbler's end,
This honest fellow work'd so fast,
He wore his awl out, and his last.
On future bliss he can't depend,
His sole was grown too bad to mend.
The Button-hole.—A Tale.
As through the street a Quaker chane'd to pass,
He stopt a girl to treat her with a glass 5
The grateful wench presented in return,
A warmer gift than he could then discern.
'Twas not her maidenhead, the brethren say;
But then 'twas something likelier far to stay;
(
TOM BROWN'S JESTEU. 105
In short, to tell my pious friend's mishap,
She gave Aminadab a scalding clap.
This close companion troubled sore the Friend,
And made him go for counsel. In the end,
The surgeon said, except you lose the part,
Your case is desperate and beyond my art.
How I lose a membeA .—^ry'd the Friend with
grief.
You must, or hope from physic no relief:
There's no compounding ;—instantly comply,
Or,—seriously, prepare yourself to die.
All I possess to save it I would give ;
But since my life's at stake, I choose to live ;
i So use me gently, and perform thy work.
The surgeon slash'd, and did it with a jerk.
Prim view'd with tears his mortified scut,
And noted well the draw'r wherein 'twas put.
The Friend went ev'ry morning to be drest?
And drew this draw'r one day above the rest,
When, lo ! no less than six besides his own !
He grinn'd to think his man was not alone :
And daily ask'd for what they all were kept ?
The surgeon answer'd like a true adept,
A dozen of them shank'd, and finely wrought,
Will make a set of buttons for my coat.
The thought is good, and worthy of thy trade,
Reply'd the Friend ; but ere thy coat be made,
Wilt thou not get as many female moles,
That so thy buttons may have proper holes.
* An Epitaph on a Belloivs^naJcer, at Oxford.
Here lies John Cruker, a maker of bellows,
A lover of ale, and a king of good fellows
106 tom brown's jester.
But when he arriv'd at the minute of death,
He that made bellows could not make breath.
Woman*
How quaint an appetite in woman reigns!
Free gifts we scorn, and love what costs us pains :
Let men avoid us, and on them we leap ;
A glutted market makes provisions cheap,
Epigram.
Come, Megg, be quick, and make the bed,
Now tuck the feet, now place the head;
I'll kiss ye, if you don't bestir ye ;
Quoth Megg, i can't abide to hurry.
The fortunate Sailor.
Honest Jack, and his wife, once to sea took a trip,
When a sudden cross wind overset the light ship ;
Hand-in hand over deck went this couple together,
Susan sunk like a stone, and Jack swam like a
feather.
Thank my stars ! says the man, (safe escapM from;
the flood),
*Tis a bad wind, indeed, that blows nobody good*
To a Lady of Pleasure.
My heart is proud your chains to wear,
But Reason will not stoop ;
I love that angel's face, but fear
The serpent in your hoop.
That circle is a magic speli,
To make the wisest fall ;
Its centre black and deep, like hell*
Contains the Dev'l and all
TOM BROWN'S JESTER. 107
Your eyes discharge the darts of Love ;
But, oh ! what pains succeed !
When darts shall pins-and needles prove,
And love afire indeed !
The Trout.—A Fable.
A trout, the plumpest in the tide,
Had long the angler's skill defied,
With pleasure nibbled ev'ry bait,
And baulk'd his sure expected fate:
While self-conceit enflam'd his breast,
He, to himself, these lines express'd;—
How wise am I to know my good !
What cowards half the finny brood !
I feast on rarities at will,
My sense evades the latent ill.
He spoke; impending in the brook,
A gentle wriggling on the hook,
He nibb'd, with caution, as before, ^
The dainty tempted more and more ;
Grown bold, he snatch'd the rich repast,
And on the hook was catch'd at last.
Compelled to quit the liquid glass,
He beat, till dead, the bending grass.
So fares the maid, whom love inspires,
With tender thoughts and soft desires :
She may, a while, fan up the flame,
And not commit an act of phame :
But soon longs after farther sweets,
Pursues her wish, and ruin meets,
Does wisdom's blissful precepts shun,
Nor sees her folly, till undone.
108 TOM BROWN'S JESTER.
Epigram,
Nature's chief gifts unequally are carv'd,
She surfeits some, while many more-are starv'd :
Her bread, her wine, her gold, and what before
Was common good, is now made private store;
Nothing that's good we have among us common ;
But all enjoy that common ill------a woman.
Polhj.
Polly, the fairest of Love's foes,
What has she now to brag on ?
So long she kept her legs so close,
That they have scarce a rag on.
CompelPd thro' want, this wretched maid,
Did sad complaints bigin ;
Which surely Strephon hearing, said,
It was a shame and sin,
To pity such a lazy jade,
As would not kiss nor spin.
FINIS.
