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A. Diddlin' Nell
Nell was a schoolteacher way out west
But she gave up teaching. She like diddlin' best
Now it was a standing bet in our home town
There were no two men black or brown
That could frog old Nell and hold her down
'Til one day there strode into the bar
Wild and wooly Piss Pot Pete
Fresh off the range from diddlin' sheep
Pisspot laid his John upon the bar
The old folks say that it reached from thar to thar.
Pete yelled for a bottle then turned as he spoke
Spent a year on the range with a rusty load in my poke
I've palmed a few batches on the hill where I sat
Changed hands and gained a stroke -- caught it in my hat
On a cold winter's nights, I go to bed with the sheep
Then leave my John soak 'til the shit is knee deep.
Now I want a gal, no two bit whore
She must be a good one who knows all the score
There's only one woman any good I hear tell
She's a hustling chippy a bitch called Nell
Now just the sound of that name brought a hush over those walls
The only noise in the room was Pete scratching his balls
So you want old Nell, said a voice from the door.
Well that's what I'm called. I'm that old whore
I hear you are here bragging. I know your sort
There won't be any price. We'll do it for sport
But I'll take a bet -- anything you can name --
Mine against your and only one winner in the game
It's a deal said Pete and the crowd gave a holler
Then the betting began. No odds. Dollar for Dollar.
They all shook hands and the bets were made
For Pete and Nell to screw and spar
Up on the hill behind the bar
When the day arrived thousands fought for a seat
Just to see that half-bread hide his meat
A shout arose when the half-breed came
Dressed and ready for that deadly game
Nell came out and the crowd gave a cheer
For on Nell's face there was a sneer
For this little old shriveled man
That dared to brag he could frog her can
They turned and sparred twisted and squeezed
First one then the other upon their knees
Fought and fought for hours and hours
Tore down trees, grass and flowers
The sneer was gone from old Nell's pan
All her thoughts were on her can
Neither smiled; neither spoke
Suddenly Nell missed a stroke
And Pisspot nailed her as she broke
The ground was torn for miles around
where poor Nell's ass had drug the ground
Nell died that day all broken and tore
They hung her pants on the craphouse door.
Poor, poor Nell.
B. The Legend of Pisspot Pete
Now gather 'round children and I'll tell a story of old,
When men were brave and women were bold.
It all started a way out west,
To settle the bet of who was best.
Now Old Lill fucked everything that crawled or creeped,
And piled her victims in a great big heap.
There wasn't a man for miles around
With a big enough rod to fuck her down.
Now news of this boast traveled far and wide;
Thousands of rod-toters came and died;
When down from Knoxville came Piss-pot Pete,
With eighteen pounds of Swinging Meat.
Eighteen pounds of meat and thirty pounds of cod;
He wasn't a boy--he was a MAN, by God!
Pete laid it out on the Blue Balls Bar;
I'll swear it stretched from thar to...........thar.
Stunk like shit, I thought I'd die;
But he just laughed and let it lie.
Gentlemen, countrymen, boys in blue,
Came to witness this terrible screw.
People came from miles afar,
To place their bets at the Blue Balls Bar.
They met the next morning in the middle of the street,
The Mangey Whore and Piss Pot Pete.
Pete greased his dick with a tub of lard,
And he killed a mule trying to work up a hard!
Old Lill warmed up on an old cross-tie;
Oh my God how the splinters did fly!
Pete came down Main Street like a south-bound freight,
And Old Lil knew she had met her fate.
All she could do was to take a seat,
And let old Pete sink his meat.
With a stretching of flesh, and tearing of skin,
Old Pete drove the first two feet in.
Old Lil screamed and clawed at the grass,
And yelled like a panther with a turpentined ass!
Lil let out a scream, "I can't take any more!"
But Pete pounded away on the smelly old whore.
The earth shook and dark came to the sun;
Pete's eyes rolled back and he fired off his gun.
When the battle was over and the dust had cleared,
Over forty acres, Lill's ass was smeared.
Gallons of love were spilled out in the street.
It was so damn sticky, you couldn't pick up your feet!
Land was torn up for miles around,
Where Old Pete's balls had drug the ground.
Pete reeled in his dick and pounded his chest;
Got on two horses and rode off West.
As a lasting memory to the great Old Whore,
They hung her drawers on the Bar Room door.
And all the soap this side of hell,
Couldn't wash away that whorehouse smell!
Now Old Pete died and went to hell:
Fucked the devil and his wife as well!
The little imps screamed and climbed the wall,
Yelling, "Get him out of here before he fucks us all!"
He fucked ninety-eight and his balls turned blue,
Then he backed off, jacked off, and fucked the other two!
Retrieved from http://www.edge-inc.net/humor/index.cfm/page/one/id/357/t/Joke.htm as recorded in Google cache on Mar 19, 2005 02:24:11 GMT.
C. The Ballad of Big-Ass Lil and Yukon Pete
Grab your glass and get your seat,
And I'll tell you about Big-Ass Lil and Yukon Pete!
Now, Lil was the village queen,
The fuckinest whore you'd ever seen.
While some girls fucked with grace and ease,
Lil blew dick like the summer breeze.
But when she fucked, she fucked for keeps,
She piled her victims up in heaps.
There was a rumor 'round that town,
That no man could put Lil's ass down.
But way up north, where twin rivers meet,
Lived a one-balled half-breed, name Yukon Pete!
Pete was a dirty, motherless soul,
Who fucked bears, sheep and woodchuck holes.
He got a whip for Big-Ass Lil,
Packed up his rubbers, and came down the hill.
He strode into town on size 32 feet,
Dragging sixteen yards of that red-hot meat!
Well, the scene was set at windy mill,
By the brick shithouse, high on the hill.
All the ladies came for a ringside seat,
Just to watch that half-breed sink his meat.
Well, they fucked, and they fucked, and they fucked for hours,
Uprooting trees, shrubs and flowers.
Lil did front flips, back flips, stunts
All unknown to most common cunts.
But Pete caught on to every trick,
And kept on pumping in more dick!
Then Lil gave Pete a hoarhouse squeeze
That brought that half-breed to his knees.
But Pete came back with a Yukon grunt
That popped out her eyes, and split her cunt!
Well, Lil rolled over, cut two farts and sighed:
"Boys, I've been fucked," cut one more, and died.
When they asked that half-breed of his amazing feat,
He just said, "Boys, I'm going back to the Yukon, and beat my meat
- John Valby
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Double-D CD
- Big Ass Lil and Yukon Pete Time: 2:01
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UNITED STATES ACORN THIRTY-FOUR
c/o FLEET POST OFFICE
San Francisco, California
"Lil The Whore"
In a town of Louieville,
There lives a well known whore, named lik,
Now it was known for miles around,
That no two men could hold her down.
Then over the hill came a bare ass greek,
Who said his name was Piss Pot Pete.
He laid his cock across the bar,
It was seventeen inches long and twice as hard.
Lil new then she had met her fate,
But to back out then was to late.
So thay choose a spot up on the hill,
In back of the shit house beside the mill,
He mounted her like a Belgium stud,
And threw her ass into the mud,
And thay fucked and fucked for hours and hours,
Untill thay had killed all the trees and flowers,
Lil tried some stuff, some super stunts,
Unknown to other common cunts.
Finally with a sigh and a cough,
Lil gave up and pete jacked off.
Now Lil is no longer A well known whore.
And Pete is the father of four or more,
They no longer do it behind the mill,
For now they do it on the window sill.
Pete better teach his kids from right from wrong,
Or they will go about a singing this song.
Garter Fixer.
Darling let me fix you're garter,
Just and inch above your knee,
And my hand it slipped up farther,
And she shot all over me.
The text above is from a collection of broadsides found amongst letters dated 1945-47.
Molly Brown
Molly, Molly, Molly Brown,
Said no man could lay her down.
Over the hill comes Piss Ball Pete,
50lbs. of swinging meat.
He laid Molly in the grass,
Suck his cock right up her ass.
Then old Molly blew a fart,
Blew his balls 10 feet apart.
Over the hill comes Piss Ball Pete,
50lbs. of shredded meat.