Below is the raw OCR of an important untitled marine songbook from ca. 1943. If you would like to verify the text below, please download the PDF of the scanned pages.
This anthology, lite nil uAt2iolo^ia6f sliould be introduced
with en apology* It is not complete, tuiu th* reuuer (or sin gar)
will find the printed versions probably at a *arianee witlx his
own, UiG i no or.plet entity i« uu« to tue Editor's indolence and
iiiability to decipher his own notes on the morning after. The
varittua* in vx>rding ie, of court*** uue to tua jfoat Wt iaofet
pornograpliy is rarely printed* but is handed down by word of
mduth throtightthe years» It was this very reason tlxnt prompted
the Editor years 1150 to start aooumalating the songs, and poems,
and limericks that amused him, and that he could never remember
at the right moment as he gathered with bis cronies around the
ilxwing bowl* He presents this collection for what it was in-
tended ~ conviviality, -which seems to thrive on a good sing
fast* It is not recommended for children, for the squeamish,or
for those unfortunate individuals who do not possess a lusty
taste for life in general*
$fte Editor would particularly lite to acknowledge his debt
to the following men of good cheer. K*C, iuinjirbor, Michigan.
H*A*,Jr*# Honolulu* J*W* of Evanston ahd Washington D*C* A*T*,
London, England, E.MCK#f New Zealand. R*A** Hew Orleans*. *S*»
S* of the Pacific*
rinal1yf It is hoped that following World War II, a new
and fresh group of songs will appear* A few fru& the Pacific
'Theatre have been included here. Thu Baitor is sure that there
are many more to come Both from the Pacific and from the Europ-
ean Theatre* Perhaps, in years to come they will be added to
this collection.
w. w* w*
INDEX OiF TITLES
Abdul, The Bul-bul Emir................. 41
Abraham Lincoln ..................... 28
Alouette ......................t . 33
Augustln ........................ 31
Aura Lee........................ 20 & 30
A Year A#>....................... 20
Badger ..............• ••.•••.••* 33
Ballad of Chambers Street, The.............. 17
Bandoleros • . ................ • "'• . . . 20
Bastard King of England, The.............. 16
Bless 'Em All ...................... 63
Behind the Hill............. . ....... 27
Bell Bottom Trousers.................. 3
Bohemia Hall....... •............... 7
Boy Stood on the Burning Dock, The. .••......•. 5
Brother Noah. ...... ........ ........ SO
Bloody One-One-Eight ........ ..... ..... 61
Bullshit Song...................... 68
Casey Jones..............••••••••• 11
Cathusalem.............••••..•••• 57
Chambermaid, Forty Years A ............... 35
China - Bound Bunboat, The........... . . . . 63
Clementine ....................... 31
Could Be........................ 49
Dermoid Drama, A • •.................. 14
Did You Ever See Nellie?................ 56
Dogface ........ ..... ....•••...•• 10
Dougfs Communique • •.••••»......•.•.•• 55
Down At Yale. ................... . . . 34
Dutch Company, The ..•••.••.....•..•.•. 56
Hi Yale......................... 21
Eph Williams...................... 27
Evelina . . ...... ......••.....••.• 8
Fairy Town ............ ........... 58
Faithful Eriend, To A ................. . 60
Far Above Cayuga's Waters . .5............. 33
Far, Fa* Away ...................... 32
Fascinating Bitch.................... 29
First Lady Fouward................... 28
Fisherman, Fisherman.................. 21
Five Old Maids Caught in the Lavffry .......... 7
The Gatherin* of the Clansmen............. . 4
Good Old Mountain Dow.................. 27
Gracie ......... ....... ......... 60
Grandfather's Balls................... 25
Have You Ever Seen Nellie Make Water? ......... 56
Hedgehog, The ................... t f # # 13
Herefs To Michigan................... 38
Honey.........................# 37
How'd You Like to Be My Little Sweetheart? ....... 58'
I Don11 Want To Be A Soldier .............. 45
I Found a Horseshoe .................* 56
In Guam, The Little Ladies .............• • *6
In The Island of Guam • ............... * 46
I Once Was A Waitress ................ ^ 3
In Bohunkus, Tennessee ................. 35
Itfs The Syme The f01e World Over. ........... 6
I've Got A Girl In New York C*ty ............ 56
I Wanted Wings .................. ^ . ^ 70
John Brown's Body* ................... 10
Johnny Varbeck ..................... 34
Kathleen Mavourneen .................. 39
Keyhole In The Doorf The /♦..... . . . . ♦ . . . • 13
Lament of Miss Ann Cooper Hewitt ............ 24
lady Eleanor ...................... 46
Landlord, Fill The Flowing Bowl ............ S3
Last Night I Sat Tickling ..............* 25
La Ville de St* Naaaire • »••»•«,*.##•«,. 42
Limericks «,,..•«,««»««*.*«»«»»•* 50
Little Bird, The ....... • ........... m 26
Lord Jeffrey Amherst ••«,••....*•»«»»•• 23
Luetic Limericks *»•»».»•«••#*«»#*••# 35
Lydia Pinkham ■ • ', • • , • *«•»••».••# , » • . 40
Mary Ann McCarthy ................... 31
Mother *«**..»•»*««•*.*•»**•*««» 55
My First Trip Up the Chijpewa River .......... 58
My Sweetheart's A Mule in A Mine ........... 28
Night After Christmas, The ♦ ............. m 69
No Balls At All .................... 8
No f No , A Thousand Times No ............. . 59
Ode To A Traning Film ................. 68
One Ball Riley ..................... %
Old Maid, The ..................... 24
Old Rhinoceros, The • ♦................ 57
One, !Two, Three, Four ................. 56
Our Gallant Ship ....... . ........... . 20
Our Fighting Men .................... 48
Paddy Murphy • ...............'.....* 37
Passengers »•*»#«»•«•,*•.»•»••«»,, 62
Piddling Pup, The ••■••..•«♦*♦•♦♦«..... 22
Pope, The....................... 25
Poughkeepsie Course, The ................ mm 32
Raggedy*Assed Marines ................. 67
Redwing ^ ........... 9 ........ m 0 . 60
Reuben and Rachel ................... 40
Ring~Dang~Doo • ••••#. «#«t##*##ft«*t 38
Samuel Hall • •••*••*»**••••••••«•• 15
Sam Houston • ............. ......*. 1
S* B. D« Song ..................... 69
Shall I Wasting • •..*...»*•*»»»••••» 27
Some Die of Drinking Whiskey • ,.,••»»«»••« 10
Solomon Levi ..................... 39
Some Folks Say ♦ «.................. 28
Soao Like To Rido • • ................. 36
Spanish .Town ..•..♦♦. * *..«.«••«•» • 67
Sterilised Heiress, A •••......•••••*••• • 24
Tavern In Our Town, k ................ . 23
The Captain Went Below ................ 56
The Cat Couldn't Kitten ................ 26
The Penis (The Urinal Scoothie) ............ 10
There Was a Little Man ................ 25
•Tiddley Winks ..................... 26
Tinker, the Jolly • ............. . . . . . 26
Tin Soldiers .................. . . . 62
To Williams ....... ...... ......... 28
Travelling Man, Tto .•*#»**»*«,»»«#»*• 29
♦Twas Early in Septeraber ............... 34
fTwas Ono Friday Night ................ U
Uncle Sam • .............. ........ 47
Urinal Slmoothio (Tij© Penis) .............. 10
TVS* Amy . . .................... 47
Virgin Sturg&aa ♦ . . . • ............... 9
•Way Doan Yo&der In The Cornfiold ........... 26
Weaverj Tha ♦ ♦♦••.«.•♦*..••••♦•,.. 38
Wefre Causing •.••••♦*«•♦♦,«♦.,•♦.., 30
West Virginia Virgin . * . . . # . ♦ .*..••♦♦. 37
When Paw • ♦ • •.....•♦••....♦••.•• 39
Whiffenpoofs Song, The ................ 5
Working On the Railroad ................ 58
Ypsi Girls ...................*.* 36
■-.'.'<!)
- SAM HOPSTCK
The big black buli came down the mountain,
Houston* Sam Houston.
The big black bull dame down the mountain,
Long time ago*
Chorus:
Longtime ago, long time ago.
The big black bull came down the mountain,
Long time ago.
He spied a heifer in a pasture grazing,
Houston, Sam Houston.
He spied a heifer in a pasture grazing,
Long time ago*
Chorus: (Substitute "He spied a heifer in a pasture grazing").
- He jumped that fence and he jumped that heifer,
Houston, Sam Houston.
He jumped that fence a#d lie jumped that heifer,
Long time ago.
Chorus: (Substitute "He jumped that fence and he jumped that heifer").
He missed that heifer and he pfffft all over,
•. Houstpn, Sam Houston.
He missed that heifer and he pfffft all over,
Long time ago.
Chorus: (Substitute "He missed that heifer and he pfffft all over").
(SIOWLS-)
The big black bull went home exhausted,
Houston, Sam Houston.
The big black bull went home exhausted,
Long time ago.
Chorus:
Long time ago, long time ago.
The big black bull went home exhausted,
Long time ago.
<2)
QMS BAIL RIIEY
(Tune: Its own)
As I was sitting in old Riley's bar,
listening to the tales of l?lood and slaughter,
This thought came suddenly into my mind:
"Why not shag old Riley's daughter?11
Chorus;
Fiddle-i-ee, fiddle-i-o, fiddley-i-ee for the one balled Riley*
Rig-a-jig jig, ball and all* rub-a-dub dub, shag on♦
I grabbed that little girl by the ass,
First I threw my left leg over
Shag, shag, shag some uidre,
Shag until the fun ivas over*
Chorus:
There came a kiloclein1 at the door,
Who should it be but her (rod-daxnned father.
Two hoss pistols at his side,
Lookin1 for the guy what shagged his daughter •
Chorus:
I grabbed that bastard by his ball,
Shoved his head in a pail of waterv
Rarmi^d those pistols up his ass,
A damn sight further than I'd shagged his daughter.
Chorus:
A$ I go walking down the street,
people sta£e ^from every quarter,
*Ther© goes the God damnedson«-of-a-bitch,
The guy what shagged old Rileyfs daughter"•
Chorus;
,
Fiddle-i-ee, fiddle-i-o, fiddley-i-ee for the one balled Riley.
Rig-a~jig jig, ball and all, rub-a-dub dub, shag on, *
(3)
BELL BOTTOM TROUSERS
When I was a barmaid down in Brury lane,
13y master was so kind to me my mistress was the same.
Along came a sailor from out across the sea,
And he was the cause of all my misery.
Chorus:
Singing bell bottom trousers, coats of Navy blue,
There was friggin* in the riggin1, like the Navies always do.
He asked me for a candle to light his way to bed,
He asked me for a kerchief to tie about his head.
And I, like a foolish maid, thinking it no harm,
Jumped into the sailor's bed to keep that sailor warm.
Chorus:
Singing bell bottom trousers, coats of Navy blue,
A' friggin' in the riggin1 like sailors always do.
Early tfext morning, toward the break of day,
He handed me a five p&und note and this to me did Say,
"This is for your trouble and all that I have done,
You may have a daughter or you may have a son."
Chorus:
Singing bell bottom trousers, coats of Navy blue,
He'll learn to climb the riggin* -like his daddy used to do.
Now, if it be a daughter, just bounce her on your knee,
But if it be a son send the bastard" out to sea.
With bell bottom trpuaers and coat of Navy blue,
He111 do some friggin''in the riggin V like his daddy used to do.
Chorus:
Singing bell bottom trousers, coat' of Navy blue,
He'll learn to climb the riggin' like his daddy used to do.
The moral of this story, as plain-as you can see,
Is ne^er trust a sailor an inch above your knee.
Oh, he'll wine you and he'll dine you and swear that he'll be true,
But twhen he breaks your cherryt it's "Go to heU, with you."
Chorus:
Singing bell bottom trousers and coat of Navy blue,
He/11 learn to climb the riggin1 like his daddy used to do.
(4)
THE CATHERBT 0? THK ClAN3fflEN
(Sung in Scotch dialect)
f Twas agatherin1 of the clansmen
And all the lads wow there
A feelin* up the lassies
Amongst the fcubic hair*
Chorus:
Singing why did ye last nicht, why do ye noo?
The man that had ye last nicht canna hae ye noo,
Mac Pherson^s band was also there,
A gifin out wi*. licks.
But you couldna hear the music
for the swishin' of the pricks.
Chorusj
The deacon1s wife was also there,
A sittin1 down in front,
A "wreath of roses in her hair,
A carrot up her cunt.
Chorus
The queen was in the parlor,
A playini wif her snatch.
The king Was in the garden,
A he at in V out a hatch.
Chorus:
The maid was in the pantry,
A pollshin1 up the brass*
Along came the butler,
And tweaked her on the ass.
1 Chorusi
The bride was. in the kitchen
Explainin1 to the groom.
That the vagina, not the rebtum
Is the entrance to the womb*
Chorus:
The village half-wit, he was there
And he was worse than that.
Amusing himself by abusing himself,
And catchin* it in his hat.
Chorus:
The minister's daughter, she was there,
Her back against the wall,
Cryin1 to the multitude,
"Come each,come one, come .all1*. Chorus?
(5)
THE raiSTEKPOOISf SONG
(Yale) ~~
To the table a down at Moryfs
To the place where Louie dwells,
To the dear old Temple Bar, we love so well,
Sing the Whiffetogoofs assembled,
With their glasses raised on high,
And the magic of their singing casts a spell.
Yes, the magic of their singing
And the songs we love so well:
"Shall I Wasting*, and "Mavourneen", and the rest.
We will serenade our Louie, while life and voice shall last:
Then we'll pass and be forgotten with the rest.
We are poor little lambs who have lest tlieir fray,
Baa, baa, baaI
We are little black sheep who have gone astray,
Baa, baa, baa!
Gentlemen-songsters off on a spree,
Damned fro here to eternity;
God have mercy on such as we,
Baa, Baa, baaJ
THE 3QY STOOD (H THE BURNING DECK
(or Oscar Wilde)
The boy stood on the burning deck,
His ass-hole to the mast*
He swore he would not leave his post,
'Till Oscar Wilde had passed*
Chorus:
Star of the evening, beautiful evening star;
Star of theevening, shining on the shithouse door.
Now, Oscar Wilde, the dirty bitch;
He tossed the boy a bun.
The boy stooped down to pick it/up,
The dirty deed was done.
Chorus:
The boy stood on the burning deck,
The dirty little nipper.
He'd stuffed Ms ass with broken glass,
And circumcized the skipper.
Chorus:
Star of the evening, beautiful evening star;
• • Star of the evening, shining on the shithouse door.
(6)
IT'S THE SBffl THE 'OLE WORLD OVER
I I nil I ll ■ III ■ ■ 111 II Ml i
II----------------■-------T-------------------■ " ■ ■ ------------------------T
She was pore, but she were honest
Victim of a rich man* s whim:
First he fucked her, then 'e left ler,
And she was with child by 'im.
CHORUS:
Itfs the syme, the 'ole world over,
Ain't it all a bleedin' shyme.
It's the rich wot gits the gryvy,
It's the pore wot gits the blymej
Wfy should for with all '*s riches,
Pick on fer, wot was so pore;
Bringin1 shyme on 6r relytions,
Mykin' fer a common 'ore?
CHORUS:
Way up yonder in the village.
Where her sorrowin' paaents lire
Drinkin1 champagne wot she sends fem
But they neve© can forgive.
'■ CHORUS;
Now see 'or ridin' with 'er lover
See fem ridin1 to the 'unt#
She 'as.diamonds on *er fingers,
She 'as warts upon fer cunt*
CHORUS:
See 'im in the *Ouse of Commons,
Makin' laws to put do;vn crime
While the woman what he sullied
Wallers in the muck and slime.
CHORUS:
See fer stanSin' by the lamp-post,
Sellin' matches by the box;
While the lads wot goes out with 'er
Gets a bleedin' dose o' pox.
CHORUS:
See 'er walkin' round the corner,
Tykin' laddies by the arm;
Oh, 'or smile is still allurin',
But fer typpjjr's lost its charm,
CHORUS
See fer lyin1 on the doorstep.
She is dead, beyond a doot.
She is all bashed in an' bleedin',
And her guts is hangin* oat.
CHORUS:
It's the syme the ble world over,
Ain't it all a bleedin' shyme;
It's the rich wot gits the gryvy,
And the pore wot gits the blymej
(7)
FIVE OLD MAIDS CAUGHT IN THE IAV'T'RY
(Tune: "Oh Dear, What Can the Matter Bew)
Oh dear, what can the matter ty3f
Three old maids wer$ locked *<the lav H'ry
They w^re there* from Monday to Saturday
And nobody knew they wer§ there.
The f^rst old maid was Elizabeth Slaughter
She was the bighop of Worcester's datighter
She wunt there to pass some. superfluous water
And nobody knew she was there*
The second old maid was Josephine Spender
She *sent ther% to adjust her suspender
Which snapped up and injured her feminine gender
And ho body knew she was there.
The third old maid was Isabel Humphrey
She went there to endeavor to take a pee
Whsn she sat down she .couldn't get her bum free
Md nobody knew she was there *
fhe fourth old maid was Majry Aan Pickle
She was afjRlicted with reflexes fickle
She hurdled the door when she forgot her nickle
And nobody knew she was there.
The fifth old maid was Margaret Aider
Who vouldn>ft dontrol the whims, of tier bladder
When she got there she was wiser but sadder
And nobody knew she was there.
BOHEMIA HAIL
In BoHemia Hall, In Bohemia.Hall,
In Bohemia Hall, in Bohemia Hall
WS'll^laugh, we,111 dance, wd»11 sing;
With the good wine on the table;
We wy.1 drink..while wq are able;
And wp d$nrt give a damn for any damn man,
In Bohemia Hall.
(8)
NO BAILS AT AIL
JJow come, all you rounders, and listen to mo;
1*11 tell you a tale that will fill you with glee.
Thero ortco was a maiden (so fair and so tall)
Who married a man who had no balls at all*
Chorus:
#o balls at all, no balls at all,
She married a man who had no balls at alii
The very first night, when they climbed into bod,
{Her cheeks they were rosy —- her lips they were red),
She felt for his penis — his peiis was smalli
She felt for his balls ** he had no balls at alii
Chorus:
"Oh Mother, oh Mother, I wish I were dead,
A£d safe in my grave with my poor maidenhead:
My oares they are many, my joys none at all,
For I've married a man who has no balls at allI
Chorus:
Oh daughter, dear daughter, you mustn't feel sad;
I had the sams trouble when I married your Dad,
But there fs many another who111 answer the call
Of the wife of a man who has no balls at alii
Chorus:
So daughter (dear daughter) took mother's advice,
And found the result was exceedingly nice:
A very fine babj was born in the fall
To the wife of the man who had no balls at allI
Chorus:
No balls at all, no balls at all,
She married & man who had no balls at alii
3V3IHJA
Evelina and I went fishing one day;
We fished all over on Chesapeake Bay#
Svelina caught a pickeral and I caught a bass;
Evelina fell in, right up to her —
Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies;
Molina fell in right up to her oyes*
(9)
VIRGIN STURCEa?
Caviar comes from a virgin sturgeon;
Virgin sturgeon's a vary fine fish;
Virgin sturgeon need no urgin1
That's why caviar is my dish.
Caviar knows no papa sturgeon
Ha respects the virgin's wish.
Doe* his urgin1 without nergin':
Thatfs why he is called "poor fish#fl
Just what stirs the mother urge in
Virgin Suigcon, none can state;
But when the virgin yearns to burgeon,
All her boy friends get the gate*
Yet he knows, the wily sturgoon,
Without him the cake's all dough:
No little sturgeon come emergin1
Out of pure, platonlc roe.
Hail, then, to the sturdy sturgoon;
If he shirks or fails, we are
Destined to sing a dirge in
Meitory of caviar*
Now, I gave caviar to my girl friend
She was a virgin tried and true,
But since I gave caviar to this girl friend
There is nothing she won't do.
I gave caviar to my grandpa
Ha was a gent of ninety-three,
Shrieks and groans were heard from grandma,
He had chased her up a tree.
(10)
THE PENIS
(or Urinal Snootily)
' TJig penis is the staff of life;
It satisfies both man and wife;
Its- duty is not small -or mean;
I| swells with pride for any queen.
How would the race perpetuate
0# golden streams evacuate
The bladder! with its urgent function,
Afcovo the ircat Prostatic Junction.
Persistence is its claim to f;ome
To fail its mistress is its shone;
1% scorns to lag or shrink or shirk;
1% throbs and strains to do its work.
■ .'Ifsttill use its head, and knows its place;
^ves all its sot in any case.
Tnis tube has cheered a world of men*
It shoots the works and fills again*
This fountain of eternal youth
Could not be better, nowf forsooth.
It takes a beating/ now and then,
Tn.nt'j; ruli&had'by the best of men.
Dear Duct, beware the spirochete,
And Noissor's gonococcus heat:
The first will put a pox on you,
The second make you run *ith goo*
But here's to the Coccus Everhardtis,
Which,?til old age stands to reward us,
And evon crippled with chordee,
Cries over loud "Love lifted me.,ff
SOME DgS Off DRINKING ?fflI3KSY
Some die of drinking whiskey,
Some die of drinking beer;
Some die of diabetes,
And soma of diarrhear.
But of all those dread diseases,
The on© that I most fear
Is the drip - drip.- drip
And the drop - drop - drop
Of the God-damn*d gonorrhearJ
DOGFACE
You can take the oye from any needle,
Take the tooth from any comb,
Take a leg from any table
And the voice from a gramophone;
Take a neck from any bottle,v
And Lordyi when youfre through,
You can get more lovta* from that God-damned dummy
Than I*ve been getting from you, swoet Dogface —
Than Ifve been getting from youJ
JOHN BROWN'S BODY
John Brownfs body1s in a better place than this,
Far from the clap and the dirty syphilis;
Blue-balls,.and the chancre, and the granulated piss:
His balls are soldered on!
Glory, glory, gonorrheal Glory, glory, gonorrhea.1
Glory, glory, gonorrhea! His balls are soldered on!
(11)
CASET JONES
Come all you rounders, if you want to hear a story fbout a
brave engineer;
Now Casey Jones was this rounder's name; on a six-eight
wheeler, boys, he won his fame.
The caller called Casey at half-past four; he kissed his wife
at the station door;
Then he climbed into the cabin with his orders in his hand
and took a farewell trip into the Promised Land.
Casey Jones 1 Climbed into the cabin!
Casey Jones! With his orders in his hand!
Casey Jones! Climbed into the cabin —
Took a" farewell trip ititfo the Promised Land.
Oh* run in your water and shovel in your ceal; put your head
out the window, watch those drivers roll;
1*11 drive her till she leaves the rail, 'cause I'm eight
> hours late with the Western mail.
Casey looked at his watch, and his watch was slow! He looked
at the water and the water was low!
He turned to the fireman, and then he said: "We're goin' to
get to Frisco, but we'll all be deadJ"
■ *
Casey Jones! Goin' to reach Frisco!
Casey Jones! But we'll all be dead!
Casey Jones! Goin' to reach Frisco!
We're goin' to reach Frisco, but we'll all be dead,
Casey pulled up at the Reno hill, and sounded his whistle
with a hell of a shrill;
The swithhman knew by the enginef s moans that the man at the
throttle was Casey Jones.
He pulled up within three miles of the place; Number Four
was star in' him right in the face;
He turned to the fireman, said "Boy, y1 bet-tar jump, 'cause
there's two locomotives that're goin' to bump."
Casey Jones! Two locomotives!
Casey Jones! That're goin' to bump!
Casey Jones! Two locomotives!
Two locomotives that're goin' to bump!
Now Casey said, just before he died, there was two more roads
that he wanted to ride.
The fireman said, "What can they be?" "The Southern Pacific
and the Santa Fe."
Casey's wif^sat on her bed a-sighin', when they brought her
the news that Casey was dyin';
Said "Go to bed, chil'en, and hush yo* cryin', 'cause y' got
another papa on the Salt Lake Line**
Oil, Casey Jones! Got another papa! Casey Jones! On the Salt Lake Line!
Casey Jones! Got another papa! Got another papa on the Salt Lake Line! /
(12)
LIL
Oh, her name was Lil, and she was a beauty*
She lived in a house of ill reput^e,
Jtaomffar and wide men came to see
Lilliaffi sans her negligee (Repeat last line).
She was young and she was fair
She had long yellow golden hair.
But she drank too deep of the demon rum,
Smoked hashish and o-pee-i-um (Repeat last line)»
Till, day by day her cheeks grew thinner
Prom insufficient proteins in *er#
She grew deep hollows in her chest
And she had to go around completely dressed (Repeat),
Now, clothes may take a woman far
But they hatfe no place on & fille do joie,
Lilly's downfall started when
She concealed her ab-ee~do-men* (Repeat)•
For you must know her clientel-ee
Rested largely on her belly
Whan Lilly had to put on cloth
Her clients waxed exceedingly wroth, (Repeat)♦
So, Lil went to the house physician
To prescribe for her condition.
"You have got", the doctors sqy,
f1Per-nish~ee-ous A-nwe-^^tnee-i-ay* (Repeat),
Lil took treatmentsitn the sua
Lil took Scott1s ee-mnl-shi-un.
Three times daily she took yeast,
But still her clienteley decreased, (Repeat),
And as she lay in her despair
She lifted up her arms in prayer*
But she deeply stained in sin was she,
The good Lord would not hear ther plea, (Repeat).
Then, as she lay in her dishonor
She felt the hand of the Lord upon fer#
"Oh, my Lord, I sure repents,
But that will cost you ninety-nine cents*"
(13)
THE KEYHOLE PT TEE DOOR
*1 left the party early —- ftw$s scarcely after nine;
And by the best of fortune her room was next to mine;
So like the bold Columbus, new regions to explore,
I took a snug position by the keyhole in the door.
CHORUS:
Oh, the keyhole in the door; oh, the keyhole in the doorH
I took a snug position by the keyhole in the door*
Yes up against her chamber door, upon my bended kneet
I took up my position, to see what I could see;
First she took off her evening dress, and throw it on the floor-
My God.1 I saw her do it through the keyhole in the doorf
CHORUS:
She placed a log upon the hearth, and aa the flames arose
She sat before the fire and warmed her rosy toes;
If shefd take off that pink chemise I*d ask for nothing more,
Except tho key which then would fir the keyhole in the door#
CHORUS?
She then removed her silken hose and hung them on a chair,
Aad as she stretched her knees unbound I knew fcbe wished me there;
And then that pink chemise she shed ~~ a sight scarce to deplore—
I knew my plaeo was then beyond the keyhole in tho doorf
CHORUS:
I rapped with eager knuckle upon her chamber door,
A&d after may pleadings, I passed the threshold o!er;
And then lest others see me-, as Ifd seen her before,,
I hung that pink chemise across thfc keyhole in the door*
CHORUS:
Now ancient men of science have gazed with eager eye
Upon the hoary planets that deck the starry sky;
Though Nature has more wonders, more regions to explore,
The telescope has nothing on the keyhole in the door.
THE HEDUEHOG
Oh", recent researches at Harvard, by Darwin and Huxley and Hall
Have conclusively showi that the hedgehog can scarcely be
buggered at all*
Sing too~ra-lioo~ra~liaddy, sing too-ra-lioo-ra-liay,
Sing too~ra~lioo-ra-liaddy, sing too-ra-lioo-ra-liay^
More recent experimentation has incontrovertibly shown
That comparative safety at Harvard ic enjoyed by the hedgehog alone#
Sing too-ra-lioo-ra-liaddy, etc*
(continued on next page)
He's a rough little, tough little bastard, with q,uiils all over
his asg;
.te And Harvard alone has discovered the secret of getting it past*
Sing, etc*, etc*
Now alas for the ass of the hedgehog; alas for the quills on his tail;
When Harvard's culture is triumphant, then Nature's resources must tall.
Sing, etc*, etc.
Now here's to yon virginal hedgehog! And long may his bushy tail twitch!
He*s the fairest of all fair Harvard, the prickly old eon-of-a-bitciu
Sing, 4*0,, etc
In the progress of civilization, from anthropoid ape unto man,
The palm is awarded to (whosis) for self-reproduction by handi
Sing, etc., etc.
A DERMOID DRAMA
(no tune)
A woman there was and she bare a son,
,$o witness if I lie;
He'd coal-black hair* an insolent stare,
And blood-lust in his eye.
The woman sighed and shortly died,
In diabetic coma.
A "post" revealed what lay concealed:
A-cystic'teratoma*
Ejojne calls were there, some stBands of
An assorted set of bones; (hair;
A£d a thing, in a cyst, that should
never be missed*
A layer of rods and cones.
A, rag and a bone and a hank of hair,,
An eye (It seemed a male eye);
Some ehumks of glmo, a tooth or two,
A£d a sustentaculum tali.
A xaaid there was* surpassing fair,
Qf lowliest extraction;
She'd eyes of blue and curly hair,
And an error of refraction.
Now the villain sought to wed the lass,
"Come, be my wife," he hissedt
She replied, "Sir Hugh, I'm not for you,
For£ lovirthat dermoid cyst I1'
"I love the bits of bricabrac
That really are your brother;
I love them so, Ifd never go
; And join me to anotheri";
Such an eye is there, such auburn hair!
Such a graceful set of bones J
, There's a bit of spleen, and Ifve nerer seen
Such heavenly rods and cones!"
Sir Hugh then ground his teeth and frowned,
"You little fool," he hissed,
"How the world wfirId will laugh and the
world will chaff
Should you mate with a dermoid cyst!"
; "I do not care what the world may say
Nor what the world may do;
But Ifdegive my hand to a septic gland
Before Ifd raayry you."
Your wedded wife I'll never bej
My pedigree stands in the way*—
For I'm a persistent R«B.P.,
, Your, a paltry B.O.A,.fn
Sir Hugh then entered Parliament
And added to the list,
A bill whi6h said no-one may wed
A deceased wife's dermoid cyst.
The years rolled on, and she, poor lass,
Grew more and more pathetic;
} And sought tp hide time's awful- tide
With artifice .cosmetic.
Her loverfs hair about her own
She mingled to console herj
And in her plate did incorporate
Her cystic love's premolar*
(cpriUnue^ jDnjiext j>ajge)
(15)
A DERMOID DRAMA (front#)
$q they lent to meet their fate
to young lives sadly blighted;
tod though in life they were separate ,
£4 death ,they were united*
i
Now the little odds and ends were sent
To the Institute of Lister;
The cyst they thought was masculine
Proved a cystic little sister]
SAMUEL HALL
Oh, my name is Samuel Hall, Samuel Hall, (Samuel Hall).1
Oh, my name is Samuel Hall, and I hate you one and all;
YouSre a gang of muckers all, damn your -eyes J \,:.A.-.
Oh, I killed a man, ftis said, sb His said (so His said);
Oh, I killed a man, 'tis said, for I hit him on the head,
And I left him there for dead, damn his *&yesl
Oh, they threw me inW^uod, into quod, (infce~quod);
Oh, they threw me into quod, and they left me there, by God,
With a chain and iron rod, damn their eyes«
*
Oh, the preacher he did come, he did come (he did come);
Oh the preacher he did come, and he looked so frery glum
As he talked of Kingdom Come, damn his eyes1
Oh, the sheriff he came too, he came too, (he cftme too);
Oh, the sheriff he came too, with his boys all dressed in blue;
They're a gang of muckers too, damn thoir eyes J
To the gallows I must go, I must go, (I must go)
To the gallow I must go, 'with my friends all down below
Saying ffSam, I told you so,M Damn their eyesl
I saw Nellie in the crowd, in the crowd (in the crowd);
Iasaw Nellie in the crowd, and she looked so very proud
That I shouted right out loud,"Damn your eyesl11
Let this be my parting knell, parting knell, (parting knell)
Let this be my parting knellf Hope to see you all in Hell
Hope to hell you sizzle well, ftamn your eyes'*
16
The following is a rare old classic which has been attributed to the
famous Rudyard Kipling. Like all "unprintable" soncs. it has
changed (and undoubtable suffered) much since beinr written.
_This is the most nearly complete version of it available just now*
SHE BASTARD KINO OF MGIAND
■ . m, w» in. i—■!■■......iiii.i i . n .mi,, i.......ii. | .1
The minstrels sinr- of an English Kin£.
Who lived lonr: years ago;
He ruled his land with an iron hand
But his mind was weak and low.
• He loved to chase the bounding stag
That roamed the royal wood —
But better than that he liked to go
And pull the royalpud*
The only garment that he wore
Was a hairy leather shirt,
With which he tried to hide the hide,
But couldn't hide the dirt.
He was wild and woolly and full of flies,
And his terrible tool hung down tb his knees;
Hail! to the Bastard King of England.
The Queen of Spain was a sprightly dame,
And a sprightly' dame was she;
She wanted to fool with the royal tool
Of the king across the sea.
So she sent a special message by a special messenger
Requesting the King of England
To spend a ni^ht with her.
Philip pf Stance, he shit his pants
On hearing this report;
He swore the only reason was
Because his dong was short•
So he sent the Duke of Sippensap
To give the Queen a dose of clap
So she could give it to the King of England.
Now when the news of this foul deed
Had reached old Windsors halls,
The King he swore, by the shirt he wore,
That h§'d have that Frenchman's balls.
So he offered half his kingdom
(and a nighit with fair Kortense)
To any loyal subject
Who'd nut the King of France.
The loyal Duke of Suffolk
Betook himself to France,
He swore he was a "fluter™
And the king took down his pants.
Around that dong he slipped a thongs
Jumped on his horse and galloped along
And hauled poor Philip off to Merry England.
(17)
The King he sh-t, an$ threw a fit,
And puked all ofer the floor;
1 F<3fr in the ride, the Frenchinan's pride
Had stretched a yard or more*
So Philip of France usurped the throne.
His sceptor was his royal bone,
With which he scr-wed the Queen of England*
THE BALLAD OF CHAMBERS STREET
by Fritz Irving
Now in the east the glowing whe&l
Of Phoebus1 oar is turning—
And high in a suite on Chambers Street
A light is dimly burning.
And from the door there comes a roar
Which starts from sleep each neighbors
"Oy, Oy," it cries/ "Gewalt, gewaltJM
Big Rosie is in labor*
For twenty years, this flower of love
Had kept herself quite busy
Dispensing screws to lusty Jews*—
To every Ike and Izzy#
The male west-end called her their friend;
With scalped and eager penis
They climbed aboard and oft explored
This much frequented Venus.
But as the pitcher at the wg131#
Was fractured, in thpD^ble~
After the?Borse was pinched* of course,
They then locked up the#stable*
; Now tansy teas and soft bougies
And local applications
Hal nef er returned what most she yearne$~•
Those absent menstruations.
Far up abt>ve the pelvis briia,
Lodged in a soft depression
Beyond the wound-of probe or sound,
There lay her indiscretion*...
The rascal grew, <ar& wriggled, too;
And word was - passed around
Some sprightly wigljt had caught, by night,
Rose ;*■*• with her breeches down* >
The bards may sing of Dido fs plight,
Deserted on the shore, or
Aeneas feay, for down the bay,
Annexing hey angora •
Our heroine did not repine}
Although sha often wondered,
She could not think what festive dink
Had scored an even hundred*
418)
Now full times ten the palled moon
Had risen in the heavins.
And did disclose the pregnant Rose,
Herself at sixes and sevens,
A v^tgue unrest seethes in her breast,
And centers in her belly}
She sits and quakes, and arater makes,
And shakes like guava jelly.
To rescue dames was oft the wont
, Of valiant knights of old,
So Jo-Jo Pratt put on his hat,
And came when he was told*
in 1903, on 0*P,D.,
With potions soporific,
Hefd cured her clap, and made her crap,
And treated her "Specific",
Ba* ere he left the house, he scanned
The pages of his Coopert
To make him sure naught bjrt manure,
Game dcsai the lady's pooper,
Tor Hunter, John, had naught upon
? This suave, verbose physician—
The type and print of Austin Flint,
A damned poor obstetrician*
By Whitbridge Williams, through his brain,
There comes a gleam of light;
f?She must be seen by Charley Green,w
He gurgled with delight*
vBy Charley Green she must be seen,
To banish all despair—
With little hat and walking stick,
.And beard of pubic hair.11
High in the room on Chambers Street,
Ere yet the waters broke.
From pregnaiSt Rose they took her clother,
And never a word they spoke.
They laid her head a cross the bed;
Her legs they had to bend fem;
Witn sterile hands, they made demands
To open heu pudendum.
"Introitus: admits my fist
Without the slightest urginf
Therefore I ween," said Charley Green,
"That Rose is not a virgin,w
And I would dare almost declare
That she has had coition—
Which, in the main, would best explain
Her present sad condition,>
(19)
Now all day long, that summerfs day,
They grappled for the fetus,
With hooks, and hands, and tugs, and bands,
Said Joe, "This sure does beat us."
Now would the Gods, with traction rods,
Though risking many stitches,
Call into view this god-damned Jew,
This prince of sons-of-bitches.
Now when the shades of evening fell*
And night come on at last,
They did conspire to prime, and fire,
And countermine her ass.
High up her sluice, they laid a fuse,
With no-one to detect fem*
They took a pound of dynamite
And stuffed it up her rectum.
Proud Aetna in her palmy days,
Uppn the Sideliam shore t
Did not erupt much more abrupt
Than did this Jewisch whore*
With mangled child she soon defiled
The waters of the gay;
His bails came down in Cambridge town
An'd landed there to s4fey#
His balls, they struck in Cambridge town,
*Twas there they came to earth;
At Boston Light, throughout the night,
They got the afterbirth.
The State House dome, a dirty chrome,
Was smeared with fetal feces;
They said "God-damn" in Farmingham,
And swept up all the pieces *
fTis silent now in Chambers Street;
The crowd has homeward turned.
With reverent tread they be$r the dead
Out of the house th%t burned.
Old Charley Green has not been seen;
And as for Jo-Jo Pratt,
I do not care nor give a damn
Where he now rests his hat.
In mapy a. little tillage spire-
As wanes the parting day—
The curfews toll the parting knell
Remarked upon by Gray.
The lowly kine, "in tardy line,
Pass slowly o'er the lea;
The jumping horse is cropping gorse—
Whatever that may be,
* * #
(20)
ADRA LBE
(YaleT
AS the blackbird In the spring,
'iieath the willow tree,
S$t and piped -~ I heard him sing—
singing Aura Lee.
Aura Lee: Aura Lee J
Maid with golden hairJ
Springtime came along with thee,
Aiid swallows in the air.
fNeath thy blush a rose was born;
Music, when you spake;
Through thine azure eyes the moon,
Sparkling, seemed to break.
Aura Lee J Aura Lee J
Birds of crimson wing
Never song have sung to me
As in that bright, arweet spring*
OUR GALLANT SHIP
fTwas one Friday night when we set Bail,
Vnd we were not far from the land
jhen our captain spied a pretty mermaid
ISELth a comb and a glass in her hand.
CHORUS: Oh, the ocean waves may roll,
And the stormy winds may blow,
While we poor sailors go skipping to
the tftp,
And the landlubbers lie down below,
below, below?
And the landlubbers lie down belowj
Then up spake the captain of our gallant
ship
(And a well-spoken man was he).
"Ihave a wife in Salem Town,
And tonight a widow she111 beJ"
CHORUS:
Then up spake the cook df our gallant
ship,
And a red-hot cook was he:
"Ohk, I care much more for my kettles
and my pots,
Than I do for the bottom of the seal"
CHORUS:
Three times around went our gallant ship,
And three times around went shet
Three times around went our gallant ship,
And she sank to the bottom of the seat
CHORUS:
Oh, the ocean waves may roll,
And the stormy winds may blowt
While we poor sailors go skipping to the
top,
And the landlubbers lie down below, below,
belowj
And the landlubbers lie down below.
A YEAR AGO
A year ago our baby died.
It died from committing suicide-—
Of spinal meningitis—
I know it fties to spite us I
fTwas a nasty old baby, anyhow;
BANDOIEROB (Yale)
We are watching and waiting
For ransom or outpost,
A welcome to strangers,
A carbine for spiesJ
Reaming the mountains,
We are outlaws defiant;
Brave and gallant feandoleros,
We'll conguer or dlej
(21)
ELI YALE
is Freshmen first we came to Yale
Fol-de-rol, de-rol-rol-rolj
lajamlnations made us pale
Foi-de-rol, de-rol-rol~roll.
:ll*Eli,Eli Yale, foi-de-rol-de~rol-rol-rol,
XiiBlifEli Yale, fol-de-rol-de-rol-rol-rol.
■■$. sophomores we have our task
Fol-de-rol, de-*rol-rol~roli
■Bis best perforated by torch and mafck
/Fol-de-rol, de-rol-rol->rol{
11, Eli, etc.
n junior year we take our ease
Fol-de-rol, de^ol-rol-roll
e smoke our pipes and sing our glees
Fol-de-rol, de-rol-rol-rol!
li, Eli, etct
In senior year we play our parts
Fol-de-rol, de-rol-rol-roll
At making love and breaking hearts
Fol-de-rol, de-rol-rol-roll
Ell, Eli, etc.
And then into the world we come
Fol-de-rol, de-rol-rol-roll
We've made good friends and studied som
Fol-de-rol~, de-rol-rol-rolj
Eli, Eli, etc.
The saddest tale we have to tell
Fol-de-rol-, de-rol-rol-rplj
Is when we biil old Yale ferewell
Fol-de-rol, de-rol-rol-rolj
Eli, Eli, etc#
FISHERMAN
Fisherman, fisherman, fare thee well!
Have you any sea-crabs for to sell?
Sing-a-dingy-aye, dingy-aye-day.
Oh yes, sir, yes, sir, one or two or three
Of the finest domn sea-cra&s y'ever did se%J
Sing-a-dingy-aye, dingy-aye-day #
So I took that sea-crafe by the back-bone 9
And I lugged and I tugged, till I got the bastard home.
Sing-a-dingy-aye, dingy-aye-day.
When I got home my wife was asleep, *
So I put him in the p-sspot for to keep
Sing-a-dingy-aye, dingy-ayo-day*
My wife got up and she thought she had to do
And the god-damned sea-crab caught her by the flue J
Sing-a-dingy-aye, dingy-aye-day.
*01d man, old man, as sure as youfre born,
Therd's a devil in the p-sspot, got me by the horni"
Sing-a-dingy-aye, dingy-aye-day.
n01d woman, old woman, why donft you fart
And blow that sea-crab all apart?'1
Sing-a-dingy-aye, dingy-aye-day.
So she tried and she tried, but she couldnlt fart a bit,
But she filled that sea-crabs eyes full of shlt#
Sing-a-dingy-aye, dingy-aye-day.
Now Ifve told you my tale and 1*11 tell you no more;
There fs an apple up my ass, and you can have the core J
Sing-a-dingy-aye, dingy-aye-day. '
22
KPNT~or, TH2 TAL3 OF TH3 YALL3R HTP
A farmer1 s dog came into town;
His Ohrifctian name was runt;
A noble pedigree had he —
"Noblesse oblige*"his stunt.
And as.he trotted down the street
♦Twas beautiful to see
His work on every corner --
His mark on every tree.
He watered every gateway, too,
And neyer missed a post;
For piddling was his specialty *
And piddling was his boast.
The city curs looked on amazed,
With deep and jealous rage,
Tois.ee this simple country dog,
The piddlir of the age.
Then all the dogs from everywhere
Were summoned with a yell
To sniff the country stranger o'er
and judge him by his smell.
Some thought that he a king might be —
Beneath his tail a rose;
So every dog drew near to him
And sniffed it up his nose.
They smellqd him over one by one;
They smelled him two by tvv;
And noble Runt, in high disdain,
Stood still till they were through.
Then, just to show the whole shebang
He didn't give a damn,
He trotted to the corner store
And piddled on a ham.
He piddled on a child's bare leg;
He piddled on the floor;
And when the grocer kicked him out,
He piddled through the door.
Behind him all the city Sogs
Lined up, with instincts true,
To start a piddling carnival
And see the stranger through*
They showed him every piddling post
They had in all the town;
And started in, with meny a wink,
To pee .the stranger down« .
They sent for champion piddlexs.
Who were always on the go
And sometimes did a piddle-stunt
Or gave a piddling show.
They sprung these on him suddenly
When midway through the town;
Runt only smiled, and polished off
The ablest, white or brow&u
For Runt was with them every trick,
With vigor and with vim;
A thousand piddles, more-or less,
Were all the same to hiiru
So he was wetting merrily.
With hind leg kicking hig>it
While most were hoisting legs in bluff
Aud piddling mighty drjr.
And on and on went noble Hunt,
As wet as any rill;
And all those champion city pups
Were peed to a standstill.
Then Runt did free hand piddling*
With fancy flirts and flits,
Like "Double Dip* and "Gimlet Twist"
And all the latest hits.
And all that time the country dog
Did never wink or grin,
But piddled blithely out of town
As he had piddled in.
The city dogs conventions held,
To ask "What did defeat us?*
But no one ever put them wise
That Runt had diabetesJ
23
TH3R5 IS A TAV3RN IN OUR TOWN
There is a tavern in our town (in our town)
And there my true lose sits him down (sits him down)
And drinks his wine, as merry as can be,
And never, never thinks of me (oh, thinks of iae)l
Fare thee well* for I must leave thee;
Do not let this parting grieve thee,
For they tell me that the best of friends must say goodbye.
Adieu, adieu, kind friends, adieu (yes, adieu);
I can no longer stey with you (stay with you),
So I'll hang my harp on a weeping willow tree,
And may the world go well with thee (go vail with thee) I
He left me for a damsel dark (damsel dark);
Each Friday night they used to spark (used to spark);
Ana now my love, who once was true to me,
takes that fair damsel on his kneel
(CHORUS)
Oh, dig my grave both wide and deep (wide and deep);
Place tombstones at my head and feet (head and feet);
And on my breast just place a turtle dove,
To signify I died for love (I died for love).
Fare thee wellK for I must leave thee;
Do not lefcvthis parting grieve thee,
For they tell me that the best of friends must part (must part);
Adieu, adieu kind friends, adieu (yes, adieu);
I can no longer stay with you (stay with you);
So 1*11 hang my harp on a weeping willow tree;
Fare thee well! Fare thee wellI . Fare thee welll
LORD JSifrJamif AMHERST
Oh, Lord Jeffrey Amherst was a soldier
of the king, -.
And he sailed from across the sea;
To the Frenchmen and the Indians he
didn't do a thing
In the wilds ©f this wild country —
In the wilds ofi this wild country:
And for his royal majesty he fought
with all his might,
For he was a soldier, loyal and true;
He conquered all the Indians that came
within his sight,
And he looked around for more when
he was through;
*CHCHJS:
Now, Lord Jeffrey Amherst was the man
that gave his name
-To our fioliegeliiggn the hill;
And the story of his loyalty and
bravery and fame
Abides here among us still —
Abides here among us still.
You may talk about your Elifs and
your Johnny's and the rest,
For they are names that time can never
dim;
But give us our only Jeffrey — hefs
the noblest and the best ~
To the end we will stand fast by him!
CHORUS:
On, Amherst, brave Amherstl
*Twas a n8me known to fame in days of yore!
May she ever be glorious,
Till the sun shall climb the heavens no morel
(repeat chorus, pianissimo)
(24)
A lament of Miss Ann Coopor Hewitt
to the tune of "Iiearned About Women From Her"
Ifm only at sterilized heiress,
A butt for the laughter of rubes;
I'm comely and rich, but a venomous bitch—•
And my mother ran off with my tubes*.
0h> fie on you, mater, you bastard!
Corns back with my feminine toys J
Restore my abdomen and make me a woman—
I want to go otit with the boys*
Imagine my stark consternation
On feeling a surgeonfs rude hands
Exploring my person (page Aimee McPherson),
And then rudely snatching my glands*
Oh fie on you medical monsters;
Come back with my feminine toys}
Restore my abdomen, and make me a woman}
I want to go out with the boys*
The butler and second man snub me;
No more will they use my door fiey;
Our cook (from Samoa) has spermatazoa
For others, but never for jne*
Oh fie on you fickle men servants;
Come back with myjfeminine toys;
I< Restore my abdomen, and make me a woman;
I want to go out with the boys*
What ruling in court can repay me
For losing my peas in a pod?
My joyous fecundity's now moribundity;
Like Pickford, 1*11 have to try God.
Oh fie on the courts and the customs;
Give back my poor bubbles of jest.
Take away the hot flashes and menopause rashes;
I want to feel weight on my chests
9HB QLfa maid SJT BY THE FIRE '
The old maid sat by.the fire,
ler too*cat sat beside her;
^nd when they were all alone,
3he pulled her skirts up higher.
i*he cat saw something naked j
\nd for it a rat did take it:
% he took a swing at the old maidfs ding
*. 'aid berrily did shake it*
The maid she pooped and farted;
The cat he puked and snorted;
They made such a din
That the neighbors came in
And soon the two were parted*
Now old maids all take warning:
D&nft leave your dingoes bare,
Or some tom-cat may take it for a rat,
And pull out all the hair*
THE POPE
The Pope, he leads a jolly life (jolly
f5?is free from every care and life)
strife (care and strife);
He drinks the best of Rhinish*wine
I would the Pope's gay life were mine,
(lepeat)
But still, he is a sorry wight(Sorry
No maiden kisses him goodnight wight):
(him goodnight);
He spends each night alone in bed,
Fbr being Pope, he cannot wed*
(Repeat)
The Sultan better pleases me(pleases me)
His life is full of jollity (jollity);
His wives are many as he will—
I fain the Sultan's throne would fill,
(Repeat)
But yet. he is not happy man (happy man)
He must obey the. Alkoran (Alkoran)
He drinks no drop of Rhinish wine—~
I would not have his life for mfjae*
(Repeat)
So, whan my sweetheart kisses me (kisses ma)
Why tfcsu I'd fain the Sultan be (Sultan b&x/
But whovi ij,y Rhinish wine I tope, why
Why than I'B rather be the Pope!
(Repeat)
THERE WAS A LITTLE MAN
Oh, there was a little man, and he had a little can,
And he used to rush the growler;
He'd go to a saloon on a Sunday aftee?rnoon,
And you ought to hear the old man holler J
"No beer today, notbeer today! You canft buy beer on Sunday!
No beer today, no beer today! You beeter come around on Monday!"
Well, what the hell's the matter with Sunday?
The srweetest girl I know
Has a face like a horse and buggy;
Fireman! Fireman! Save my child)
A boy's best friend is hie mother*
Well, what the hell's the matter with his father?
Oh when a man first goes to kiss his girl,
Oh, he fumbles 'round her jaw all the while, all the while;
Gives her kissed for her mother* her sister and her brother,
Till the old man comes to the door,
Pulls a pistol from his pocket
And swears hefs goin1 to cock it
And blow out his teeny, weeny brains (some brains!)
But then she says he mustnH,
And so of course, he doesn't,
Aftd the lovin' goes on just the same.
The Delta Gamma's love it, the Pi Phi's aren't above it;
The Theta's have a finger in the pie (some pie);
The Alpha Phi's so haughtyf they say they think itls naughty,-
But you bet your life they do it on the sly!
(Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way—-----
Oh what fun it is to ride in a one-hose open shay!)
IAST KIGHT I SAT TICKLING
Last night I sat tickling my grandfather's balls,
With a drop of sweet-oil ofl a feather;
And what seemed to please the old gentleman most:
Was knocking them gently together* (Clink-clink!)
25
ths toner
Oh, there was a jolly Tinker, and be came frox c«r;\n/ France,
And he dearly loved to sing, and he dearly lovud -o dance,
With his Long John tiddley-whackin', belly crackin',
baby-f etchin1, lookin1 for a scrimmage below the belly-bandl
■ i
Now, the Queen was returning from a shindy-dig ball
And she caught the Tinker urinatin' on the castle wall,
With, etc*
• *■■'.
Said the Tinker to the Queen, "Have you any pots to mend?
Hare you any little holes to which a Tinker might attend?"
With, etc.
Said the Queen to the Tinker, "Yes, I have some pots to mend,
And I have a little hole to which a Tinker might attend*.
With, etc.
Oh, he., f-cked her in the kitchen and he f-cked her in the hall;
"My God!" cried the maids, "Is he goin' to f-ck us all?"
With, etc*
Then he took the farmer's daughter to the farmer's ball,
And he screwed the farmer's daughter, right* up ageinst the wall,
With, etc.
"Oh, Mother, oh, mother, I thought that I was able*
But he split my poor vagina from the -sshole to the navel,
With, etc.
t
"Oh daughter* oh, daughter, you God-damn fool,
Screwed by a man with a tool like a mule"
With,tffcto* etc.
When the Tinker died, he went to hell,
And he f-cked all the devils, and he f-cked fem very well,
With, etc.
TIDELEY-WIMKD, YOUNG MAN
Tiddley-winks, young mant Get a woman if you can;
If you ean't get a woman, get a clean young man;
You may take a f-ck at Malta from the Rock of Gibraltar,
But you'll never do it prober till your balls hang low*
Do your balls hang low? Can you swing 'em to and fro?
Can you tie 'em in a knot? Can you tie 'em in a bow?
Can you sling 'em o'er your shoulder like a bloody British soldier?
For you'll never do it proper till your balls hang lowt
TBB LITTL3 BIRD
Ch, there was a little bird, no bigger than e t-rd,
And he landed on a telegraph po-o-ole;
He stretched out his neck, and he sh-t about a peck,
And he puckered up his little -ssho-o-ole.
-sshole, -sshole, -sshole, -ssholeI
He puckered up his little -sshoie-oleJ
(27)
Oh, here *s to the noma of Eph WiliAa^, who :::::L^d a school in Billville, ~
And when he was scalped by the Ind-*uif> he >'f * i his boodly by will.
Sing too-ra-lioo-ra-liaddy (liediy) t sing to- ^aioo-ra-liay,
Sing too-ra-lioo-ra-liaddy (lie^y*, sing ioj^d-Ilno-ra-liayJ
Here's to old Fort Massachusetts, and here's to the old Mohawk Trail,
And harass to the Indian prindesc, who gave Eph his first piec© of tail*
Sing ,etc •
(ream)
And here's to the girls of North Adamsjand here's to the streets that they
And here's to the dirty-faced urchins - God knows but they may be our own!
Sing, et'o-t
§ii, we are the seniors of Williams , with consciences white as the snow;
We sit on the brink of damnation, and p-ss in the cinders below.
Sing, etc*
to wnxuaas
Come, fill your glasses up—to Williams, to Williamstto Williamsl
Come, fill the loving cup~to Williams, to Williaxas, to Williams!
We will drink the wine tonight,
Drinfe the wine that makes hearts light;
So come, fill your glasses up, to Williams, to Williams^ So Williams 1
We will rally on Pratt Field; We will make our rivals yield;
Victory will crown the shield of Williams, of WllliamsJ
SHALL I WASTING (Yale)
.. Shall I wasting in despair
Die because a womans fair?
Or make pale my cheeks with care
'Cause another's rosy are?
Be she fairer than the day
Or the flow'ry meads in May,
If she be not so to me
What care I how fair she be?
Great, or good, or kind, or fair,
I will ne'er the more despair;
If she love me, this believe:
I will die e'er she shall grieve I
If she slight me when I woo,
I can scorn and let her go—
For if she be not for mef
What ca&e I for whom she be?
THE GOOD OID MOUNTAIN SEW
Behind the hiU there is a still
Where the smoke rolls to the skjr;
You can always tell by the whiff or smell
When the liquor, boys, is nigh*
When the liquor; boys, is nigh (is nigh),
When the liquorj boys, is nigh;
You can always tell by the whiff or smell
When the liquor* boys, is nigh.
It fills the air with an inceaSe rare
That's good for me and you;
As home we roll^won't you have another
Of the good old mountain dew? (bowl
Of the good old mountain dnw (yes dew);
Of the good old mountain dew;
As home we roll, won't you have another
Of the good old mountain dew? ( bowl;
This mountain dew is made from grain
And mixed with water pure;
And the alcohol that it contains
Will all your troullee cure.
Will all your troubles^cure (yesrcure)
Will all your troubles- cure.
Oh the alcohol that it contains,
Will all your troubles cure.
(28)
ABRAHAM LINOOIH
Get on your old gray bustle;
B&t your fanny in a bustle;
Jlbr tomorrows the rent day*s due;
While the bees are makin1 honey
Lfet your fanny make some money—
If you can't get flroy-take. two I
(Jot ou t the old blue o intment ,
ife the crabs1 disappointment;
Make an application every other day;
Okt Jesus, how it itches!
B^t it gets the sons of bitches
In that good old-fashioned wqy.
Ge4tout the old rubber bonnet,
And put some goose-grease on it,
f Cause I won't take it any other way,
For I'm a decent lady
And I don't-want a baby,
Before my wedding day.
"Let's get dirty,"said Gamma Phi Gertie;
"X ain't had my sex for a week."
On the shores of Lake Mendota
All the girlies get their quota,
And you ought to ifchear the rumble seat squeaki
•♦Let's get stinkln9" said Abraham Lincoln,
So he hitched old dobbin1 to the slay;
And in the fields of clover,
He slipped one oter,
Before his wedding day.
S(ME JttLBS Siff
Oh, some folBs say that a nigger won't steel
(Way down... .way down..* fay down yonder in
.. a aornfield) t
But I fouhd twc in my eonnfield,
(Way down..#w^y down#«*way down yonder in a
cornf ieil).
Oh, one had e shovel and the other had a hoe,
(Way down ♦♦♦way down^.way down yonder in a
cornfield)*
Now if that Gin11 stealin', X don't know,
(Way down*t#way down.^.way down yonder in a
cornfield).
MY SWEETHEART .
My sweeth#artrs a mule in a mine;
I drive h«r without any line;
On the buakboard I sit,
And tobaeio I spit,
All over my sweetheart's behind.
gBS FIBST LADY FORWARD
(Tun*: Turkey in the Straw)
Oh, the cat couldnH kitten, and the dog couldn't pup
And the old mah fouldn't get his proposition up;
Oh the first la<$f forward and the second lady back
And the third laA^'s finger up the fourth lady's crackt
Bow to Jrour partners, swing your p≤
Kiss my -sar Bof-damn your soul;
Oh, the first lady forward and the second lady back
And the third lady's finger up the fourth lady's crack.
(To the tune of "poily-wolly-doodle")
(or "Good-bye My Lover Good-bye")
A traveling man came home one night* his darling wife to see,
AUd there he found another toan*s hat where his hat ought to be*
"My dear wife, ay good wife, ray darling wife," cried he,
"Whose hat is that upon the rack where my hat ought to be?"
"Ytm darn fool, you damnfd fool, you son-of-a-bitch," said slief
"It's Bothdng but a piss-pot iny mother gave to me*"
"Now I've travelled near and I've travelled far and I've pissed on every
But I nerer saw a piss-pot with a band on it before 1"
shore;
A traveling man came home one nightf his darling wife to see,
AAd there he found another man's pants where his pants ought to be,
"ijy dear wife, my good wife, my darling wife," cried he,
"Whose pants are those uppn the chair where my pants ought to be?ff
You darn fool, you Damn1, fool, you son-of-a-biteh," she said,
"Its nothing but an apron that my mother gave to me«"
Now I've travelled negr and I've travelled far and I've pissed on every
But I never saw an apron with a fly on it before*"
shore}
A traveling man came home one night, his darling wife to see,
AAd there he found another man's head where his head ought to be.
•♦My dear wife, my good wife, my darling wife,* cried he,
"Whose &ead is that upon the bed where my head oufeht to be?"
"You darn fool, you damnr fool, you son-of-a~bitch," said she,
"It's nothing but a cabbafee head my mother gave to me#"
"Now I've travelled near and Ifve travelled far and I've pissed on every
"But I n^ver saw a cabbage head with hair on it before."
shore;*
.
* * -. •
A travelling man came homfc one night, his darling wife to see,
And there he found another man's thing where his thing ought to be#
"My dear wife, my good wife, my darling wife," cried he,
"Whese thing is that within your thing, where my thing ought to be?"
"You darn fool, you damn' fool, you soh-of-a-bitch," said she,
.If1 s nothing but a rolling-pin my mother gave to me,"
Now I've travelled near and I've travelled far and I've pissed on every
Bat I never saw a rolling pin with balls on it toeforel"
shore;
I WISH I WERE
(to the tune of "Inwish I were a fascinating bitch" or "John Peel")
I wish I were a fascinating bitch:
I'd never be poor, I'd always be rich;
I'd work in a house with a little red light;
Ifd sleep all day and work all night.
And once a month lid take a rest
And drive my customers wild!
Oh, I wish I were a fascinating bitch
Instead of a bastard childl
(30)
BROTHER NOAH
Brother Noah! Brother Noah J Can I come in the th&eark of the Lord?
For it's get tin1 very dark, goin' to rain very hard*
TralalooJ Tralalool Tralaloo-loo-loo~loo-lool
No y'can't sirJ No.y'can't sir I No, y'can't come into the ark of the*Lord,
Though it's gettin' vdry dark, goin1 to rain very hard*
Tralaloo, etc•,etc.
Go to hell, then] Go to hell, then I You can go to hell with your damned
old scow,
'Cause it ain't goin1 to rain very hard, anyhow!
Tralaloo, etc*,etc.
Young feller! Young feller J That's a doggoned lie, for y'know damn'well
That1it's gettin' very dark, goin' to rain like holll
Tralaloo. etc•» etc#
(Tune: "Good-byo My Lover, Good-bye")
For forty days and forty nights the rain came down like hell;
It covered everything in sight, and all things else as well.
Old Noah stood upon the ark and trried, but all in vain,
"I wonder where those damn' fools are that said it wouldn't rain!"
AURA IM
As the blackbird in the spring 'neath the willow tree
Sat and piped, I heard him sing, singing Aura Lee.
Aura Lee! Aura Lee! Maid with golden hairl
Sunshine came along with thee, and swallows in the air.
In thy blush the rose was born; music, when you spake;
Through thine azure eyes the moon, sparkling, seemed to break.
Aura Lee, Aura Lee J Birds of crimson wing
Never song have sung to me, as in that bright, sweet springs
Aura Lee, the bird may flee; the willow's golden hair
Swing through winter fitfully, on the stormy air.
Yet if thy blue eyes I see, gloom will sonn depart—
For to me, sweet Aura Lee is sunshine through the heart!
When the mistletoe was green, midst the winter's snows,
Sunshine in thy face was seen, kissing lips of rose.
Aura Lee! Aura Leer Take icy golden ring;
Love and light return with thee, and swallows in the spr.ing!
WE'RE COMING
(Tune: Ihr Kinderlein kommet)
We're coming, we're coming, our brave little band;
On the right side of temperance we now take our stand;
We don't use tobacdo ~~ it's nasty, we think,
And the people who do so are likely to drink.
(31)
In a cavern, in a canyon,
Exoavat ing for a mine f
l)welt a miner, forty-niner,
And, his daughter Clementine,
; Oh, my darling! Oh, my darling!
Oh, my darling, Clementine!
; You ate lost and gone forever--
Dreadful sorry, ClementineI
Light she was, and like a fairyf
Aftd her shoes were number nine:
Hearing boxes without'topses
Sandals were, for Clementine*
Ijjrove she ducklings to the water,
Every morning, just at nine;
Jit her foot against a splinter;
Jell into the foaming brineI
Ruby lips above the water
Blowing bubbles soft and fineJ
Alas for me J I was no swimmer;
So I lost my Clementine.
In a churchyard near the canyon,
Where the myrtle doth entwine,
There grow rostes and other posies,
^fertilized by Clementine*
The the miner, forty-niner,
Soofc began to peak and pine;
Thought he "orter jine* ht& daughter;
Now hefs with his Clement ine#
In my dreqms she still doth haunt me,
Bathed in garments soaked In brine;
Though in life I used to hug hert
Now shefs dead* If 11 draw the line!
AUGTJSTIN
Ach, du lieber August in, August in, August in;
Ach, du lieber Augustin, alios 1st hinJ
Geld 1st weg, Mag*l 1st weg; Augustin liegt in DreckJ
Ach, du lieber Augustin, alles ist weg;
MARY ANN MS OARTiff
Mary Ann McCarthy, she went out to gather clams I
Mary Ann McCarthy,* she went out to gather clams J
Mary Ann McCarthy, she went out to gather clams I
But she didn't get a __^ } claml
Glory, glory, what a hell of a time she had!
Glory, glory, what a hell of a time she had!
Glory, glory, what; a hell of a time fehe had!
But she dldnft get a claml
"First she used her shovel, and then she used her hoe;
But she didn't, etc., etc.
ghe dug up all the mud there was in San "Francisco Bay;
But she didnft, etc, etc.
'■;'■*■"'';'"■"" . (321 '■'
.
THE POUGHKFSrPT.:] COURSE
(Tune;"I'11 Bet My Moneyl>n~"the Bob-Tailed Nag")
The Poughkeepsie Course Is four miles long (sing-a-doo-dah., sing-a-doo-dah);
The Cornell crew is rowing strong (sing-a«~doo"dahf doo~dah, dayl).
Theyfre goin' to row all hlght, they're goin' to row all day;v
Ifll bet my money on the Cornell crew if somebody111 bet on Yale*
The Cornell crew got sttick in the grass (sing-a-doo-dah, sfing-a-doo-dah);
And the Eli crew saw it wasn't any use (sing-a-doo~dah, doo-dah, dayj)«
They're goin', etc., etc*
The Cornell crew done shook femselves loose (sing~a~d-dah, sing-a-de*-dah);
A£d the Eli crew saw it wasnft any use (sing-a-doo-^dah, doo-dah-dayj).
They're goin1f etc., etc. ,
Has anybody here seen Eli? Poor old E-l-i.f
Has anybody here seen Eli? Seen them rowing by?
There was a time when Yale could row,
But that was yfars and yfars ago*
Has anybody here seen Eli? Where the hell is Yale?
They're Comingl They're comingl And their backs are bending low*
I hear those Eli voices calling "Row, Yale, rowl"
FAR, FAR, AHAY
Around her neGk she woee a yellow ribbon—
She wore it in September, and in the month of May—*
And when they asked her why the decoration,
She said 'twas for her lover, who was far, far away.
Far away, (far away)J Ear away, (far away)I
She wore it milking hay and mowing cows;
And when they asked her why the decorations,
She said 'twas for her lover, who was far, faraway.
And ateher side she packed a sawed-off shotguns-
She packed it in September, and in the momth of May—-
And when they asked her why the deadly weapon,
She said 'twas for her lover, who was far, far wway.
*
Far away, etc,, etc.
Around the block she pushed a baby carriage-
She pushed it in September, and in the month of May—•
And when they asked her why the hell she pushed it,
She aaid 'twas for her lover, who was far, far trway.
Far away, (far away) J Far away, (far away) I
She pm«^ied it milking hay and mowing cows;
And when they asked her why the hell she pushed it,
She said Itwas for her lover, who was far, far away.
(33)
ALOUETTE -
Alouette, gentille Alouette; Alauette, je te plumerai.
Je te plumerai la tetef je te plumerai la tete;
Et la tete (et ,1a tete), Alouette (Alouette);
Oh-h-h, Alouette, gentilie Alouette; Alouette, jete plumerai.
Je te plumerai le becy^je te plumerai le bee;
Et le bee (et le bee), et la tete (et la tete), Alouette (Alouette);
Oh~h-h, Alouette, gentille Alouette; Alouette, je te plumerai.
Je te plumerai les yeux,^ etc; la langue, les jambes, les »»••••
BADGER ,
(Tuae: "If You Want to Go to College")
Oh, if you want to be a badger, just come along with me,
By the bright, shining light, by the light of the moon;
Oh, if you want to be a Uadger, just come along with me,
By the bright, shining light of the moonj
By the light of the moon (by the light of the moon!)
By the bright, shining light (by the light of the moofli);
Oh, if you want to be a badger, just cane along with me,
By the bright, shining ligftt of the moon!
FAR ABOVE CAYUGAIS WATERS
Par above Cayuga1 s waters, with its waves of blue,
Stands our nobifce Alma Mater, glorious to teiew.
Lift the chorus, speed it onward; loud her praises tell J
Hail to thee, our Alma Mater I Hail, all hail, Cornell!
Ear above the busy humming of the bustling town,
Reared against the arch of heaven, looks hhe proudly down*
Lift the chorus, speed it onward!2Loud her praises tell!
Hail to thee, our Alma Mater J Hail, all hail, Cornell J
LANDLORD, FILL THE FLOWING BOWL
Cotfe, landlord, fill the flowing bowl, until it doth run overI (Repeat)
For tonight we111 iiorry,&erry be; for tonight we111 merry, merry be;
For tonight we'll merry, merry be— tomorrow we'll be sober!
The man who drinks good whiskey clear, and goes to bed right mellow! (Repeat)
Lives as he ought to live, etc. ~- and dies a right good fellow!
The man who drinks cold water pure, and goes to bed right sober, (Repeat)
Falls as the leaves do fall, etc. —-- so early in October!
But he who drinks good claret punch and getteth half seas over, (Repeat)
Lives till he dies perhaps, etc* — and then lies down in clover!
The giddy girl who geifc a kiss and runs and tells her mother, (Repeat)
Does a very foolish thing, etc.------ and seldom gets another!
(34)
JOHNNY VERBBCK
(Qr"Jflhnny Rebeck" The tune is just slightly modified from the tune
of the verse of "Solomon iLevi".)
There was a little dutchman and his name was Johnny Verbeck;
He was a dealer in sausages and sauerkraut and "speck;"
He made the finest sausages that ever you have seen,
And one day he invented a wonderful sausage machine*
0hf Mr. Johnny Verbeckl Houw could you be so mean?
I kno\* that you9U be sorry for inventing such a machine»
Ail the neighbors cats and dogs will never more be seen-*-
They111 all be grBund to sausage in Johnny Verbecks machine;
One day a little boy came walking in the door;
He bought a pound of sausages and laid them on the floor.
The boy began to whistle, and whifeti&d up a tune,
And all the little saufiggea went dancing around the rooml
Oft* day the Daachin© got busted, the blame9 thing wouldn't go;
So Johnny Verb^ack he erawle^l inside, tp Ǥ* wh*t #*&# it $0i
$$g wife she had a might xnare and while walking in her sle«#
Oave the crank a deuce of a yank -* and Johnny Verbeck wa£ aeait
0ht Mr. Johnny Verbeckl How could you be so mean?
I knew that you'd be sorry for inventing such a machine I
All the neighbor1 s cats and dogs will never more be seeifr—
Theyfve all been ground to sausages in Johhny Verbeck9 s ftachinei
'TWAS BABLY IN SEPTEMBER
(Tune: "Put on Your Old <|ray Bonnet19)
0bfe 9twaa early in September, oh, how well do I remember}
I wae walking down the street with maajy pride (manly pri$e)t
And my heart was all a-flutter as I fell into the gutter,
And a pig ceme up and lay down by my sida.
Oh, my heart was all a-flutter, aa I lay there in the gu*te^;
And a lady passing by was heard to say (heard to say):
"You can tell the man that boozes by the company he choeaegfr.....*
And the pig got up and slowly walked away*
WW AT YAtE
(Tune: "Tue Battle HJmn of the Republic")
"Maw* I want to be a Yale man I Maw9 I want to be a Ya&e man!
Mawf I want to be a Yale Man!19 "My son# jro\*e a god-damned to\ W
For there isnft any tail down at Yale (down at Yale);
0hf there isn't any tail down at Yale (down at Yale)}
So instead of copulation they resort to masturbation-
There *s a hell of a situation down at Y*let"
(35)
IN B0HTNKU5 TBTOSSEE
(Tune$ Our Golden Wedding Day)
In Bohunkus, Tennessee, lived a bastard that was me;
And my father shovelled horshshit from the streets (streets,streets);
In the days when I was young he found diamonds in the dung,
And he sent me here to give you-boys a treat (treat, treat)!
Tramp, tramp, tramp, you masturbatorsj
Raise your thundermugs on high (fway up on high/);
And we'll drink another glass to the biggest horti&s ass
in the brotherhood of Beta Theta Pil
K)RTy TEARS A CHAMBERMAID
(Tune; I *ja a Rambling Wreck from Georgia Tech)
For forty years a chambermaid in a house of ill repute I
For forty years a chambermaid, and never a substitute!
Missing all the fun *— never a gent I mfeet •—
I share in all the infamy, but never the gposs receiptst
Forty years a chambermaid, and never broke a pot J
Forty years a chambermaid, and never a lay I got.
Never a look er word — never a hug or kiss ~
Now alnft that a hell of a life, just emptyin1 thot tof this?
i HJETIC UMERIGKS
(Not to be sung, unless to "Sweet Violets11)
There was a' young man from Back Bay
Who thought syphilis just went away*
He thought that a chancre
Was merely a canker
Acquired from lascivious play
i. fir*t he got acne vulgaris
(The kind that is rampant in Paris);
It covered his skin
i From his head to his shin,
!■. &nd now people ask where his hair is,
jonsider his terrible plight —
3ts eyes won't react to the light,
His hands are apraxic,
Hi# gait is ataxic,
3e»a developing gun-barrel sight J
With symptoms increasing in number,
His aorta1s in need of a plumberj
His heart is cavorting,
His wife is aborting;
And now he1 s acquired a gumma»
There are pains in his belly and knees;
His sphincters have gone by degrees:
Paroxysmal incontinence,
With all its concomitants,
Brings quite unpredictable pees.
Though treated in every known way,
His spirochetes grow day by day;
HeTs developed paresis,
Converses with Jesus,
And thinks he's the Quean of the May.
NOTE* Tiio editors cannot assume responsibility for such liberties as
the author of this has seen fit to take with the natural history of
syphilis or the symptomatology of the disease in its various stages.
They don*t even give a damn about themi
' (36)
. ' S^Jp3r,TG_RIEE
4Tuae: Good-bye', ^"Lcver,"Good-bye)
SOiriQ like to ride the foaming tide.
. ' ' Aiid some, the foraming billow;
But I like to ride the blushing bride,
Witli^ her qss propped up en a pillowj
TPSI GIRLS
Tune: Australia)
Oh, Ypsi girls are very fine girls (haave away! heave away I)
With codfish balls they comb their curls (heave away! heave away!)
Heave away, my bonny, bonny boys (heave away, heave away, heave awayl)
Heave away, my bonny, bonny boys -* we're off for Australia!
With a rum~pum-pum~pum, r\m~pum*pum~pum.
Yiddi-yiddi~yiddi-yiddi, yam~pm^
Oii| Michigan men are very fine men (hoave away, etc*)
All loyal to the U of M (heave aw^y, etc*)
Hoave away, etc*, etc*
Joe Parkers booze is very fine feooze; it makes you tight like a new
pal* of shoes*
I took my girl to the Junior Hop —- wo danced until I thought we'd drop.
And now she's given me the sack; I wish I had my money back!
THE DUTCH COMPANY
Qhf the Dutch company is the best company that ever came otfer from old
Germany2
Therefs the Amsterdam Dutch and the Rotterdam Dutch,
The Potsdam Dutch and the (jod-damned Dutch;
4 the Dutch company is the best company that ever came o-fer from old Germany •
Now there's the Irish, and they're not much: but there a damn sight better
than
the God^damn Dutch) There's the AnisteJrdau Dutch, etc*
Oh, the Dutch company is the best company, thai ever came offer from old
Germany,
Why do you go with the French so much? You r«an get it free from the God-damn
Dutch!
There's the Amsterdam Dutch, etc*
Oh, the Dutch girls' teats are fair and wide; :nstead of milk they have beer
inside!
There's the Amsterdam Dutch, etc.
Oh, the Dutch girls' twats are fcig and stout: instead of Lair ^he? have
sauerkraut!
There's the Amsterdam Dutch, and the Rotterdam Dutch,
The Potsdam Dutch and the Dod-damn' Dutch:
Oh, the Dutch Company is the best company that ever cane over £~osl old
Germany,1
, THE WEST VIRGINIA VIRGIN
("Tune:Shef 11 B© Coming 'Round the Mountain)
Oh, down in West Virginia lived a gal name1 Nancy Brown;
She was the sweetest creature 2n village or in town?
Nancy and the deacon climbed the mountain top oneday,
But when they reached the summit, they did not long there stay:
They came rollin1 down the mountain, rollin' down the mountaiif
Rollin' down the mountain e'er the morn; ana
And she didn't give the deacon that there thing that he was seekin1
. And shefs still as pure as West Virginia corall
Along came a cowboy -*• a cowboy with his song
Took Nancy to the mountain, but she knew right from wrong;
They came rollin1 down the mountain, rollin' down the mountain,
Rollin* down the mountain comin1 back,
And despite the cowboy's urgin* she remained the local virgin,
And she's sit11 as sweet as Pappy fs apple jack.
Then along came a salesman with his twenty dollar bills;
Took Nancy in his Packard, away up in the hills*
And they stayed up in the mountain, stayed up in the mountain,
Stayed up in the mountain all that night;
She returned the next morn early, more a woman than a girlie,
And her Pappy kicked the hussy out of sight I
Now when Nancy reached the city, a greejt success was she:
As soon as night descended she was feusy as a bee;
How shefs livin' in the city, livin' in the city,
Li^rinf in the city mighty well}
Oh, shefs winin1 and she's dinin'; on her fanny shefs reclinin1—
And those West Virginia hills can go to belli
Along came the depression — kicked Nancy in the pants;
Bad business in the city —■ she didn't havd a chance*
So she went back to the mountains, went bafek to the mountains,
Went back to the mountains as of yore;
And the cowboy and the deacon, got that thing that they were seekin'
And now shefs called the West Virginia Whore}
PADDY MURPHY
The night that Paddy Murphy died I never shall for get 1
All the boys got stinking drunk, and some ain't sober yetf
But one thing that they did there did fill my heart with fear*
They took the ice right off the coppse, and put it on theirbeerj
Oh, that's how they showed their respect for Paddy Murphy J
Thatfs how they showed their honor and their pridei
That's how they showed their respect for Paddy Murphy,
On the night poor Paddy, died!
HONEY
Honey, honey, bless yo' heart* You're the honey that I love so
welll
I done been true, my gal, to you — yoifire AJr honey, that I lore
so welll
(38)
THE WEAVER
Oh* I was a weaver and I lived by myself,
And I followed the weaver's trade;
And the only, only thing that 1 ever did wrong
Was to woo a pretty young mail*
I wooed her in the summertime,
And in the winter, too-"*
And the only,6nly thing tha-i I ever did wrong
Was to shield her from the foggy, foggy dewl
One night she oame to my bedside,
While I was fast aslepp.
That pretty young maid came to my bedside,
And there began to weepf
She wept, she cried, she damn1 near died —
AlasJ — what could I do?
So I took her into bed and I covered up her head
Just to shield her from the foggy, foggy dew.
Oh, I am a weaver, and I live with my son,
And we follow the weaver's trade;
AAd every,fcirery time that I look into his eyes
He reminds me of that pretty yougg .maid.
Reminds me of the summertime,
And of the winter too —
When the only, only thing that I ever did wrong
Was to shield her from the foggy, goggy dew J
RINqPANGDOO .
I,had a girl and her name was Jane;
I wish I had her back again/
\ was so good, so kind,so tmn,
She let me ride on her Ring-dang-dool
Iter Ring-dang-doo? Now what is that?
|tfs~soft and warm as Grandma's cat*
|t*s JBSt a hole that's split in two;
That's what&she calls her Ring-dang-do©#
She took me to her father1s cellar;
She said that I was a damn' nice feller;
She fed me wine and whiskey too,
AJxd let me ride on her Ring-dang-doo#
You God-damnf fool," her mother said,
You've gone and broke your maidenhead,
So pack your bag and suitcase too,
And go to hell with your Ring-«dang-dooln
She went to the city and became a whore;
She hung this sign upon her door:
"One dollar down andthe rest IfU do,
• I111 le* you ride on my Ring-dang-doo ♦
They came by one's, they came by two's,
; They came by three's, they came by fours;
They came by fives and sixes too;
They came to ride on her Ring-dang-doo.
HERB'S TO MICHIGAN
Here's to Michigan, I want you to understand,
This I never would miss; come set fem up, set 'em up, set 'em up agalnl
We got the price, so be nice and fill the cups againJ
Hear the rooster crowl 1 don't want to go; Here's to joy and blissl
Here I'm go|nf to stay till the break of day—home was never like this!
(39)
SOLOMON LEVI
Oh, my name is Solomon Levi; I've a store on Barter street;
That's whero you buy your coats and vents, ard everything else that's neat;
Second-handed uisterettos* a'ad everyth.\r»g else.that's fine—
for all the boys they t^ade with mo a;; a ^.vidred and forty-nine I
Oh , Solomon Levi J Tra-le-Ia-la-la-v.i; v.&2
Toot Solomon Lftvil Tra--0.a~la-la-la-ia-lal
0hf my name Is Solomon -Levi, I've a store on Baxter Street;
Thatfs where you bsty your coats and vests $ and everything else that's do at;
Second-handed ulsterettes, and everything else that's fine—
For all the boys they trade with me at a hundred and forty-nine I
WHEW PAW
When Paw was a little boy like me, he used to go in swlmmin' (in swimmin1)
He used to go fway up the creek, where there was no fear of wimmen(of wimmen}*
One day some people came that way and stole all Paw's apparel (apparel)*
He stayed in the water all day long, and at night came home in a barrel(abarrel)
KkT?ILEEN MftVODHNEBW
Kathleen Mavourneen* the grey dawn is breaking;
The horn of the hunter is heard on the hill;
The lark from her light wing the bright dew is shaking{
Kathleen Mavourneen. what I Slumbering still?
Kathleen Mavourneen, whatl slumb'ring still?
It may be for years, and it may be forever-
Then why art thou silent, thou voice of m^ heart?
It may be for years, and it may be forevefi—
Then why art thou silent, Kathleen Mavourneen?
Kathleen Mavourneen, awake from thy slumbers;
The blue mountains glow in the sun's golden light;
Ahl where is the spell that ohce hung on my numbers?
Arise ia they beauty, thou star of my night,
A^lse i& thy beauty, thou star of my night 1
Mavourneen, Mavourneen, my sad tears are falling,
To think that from grin and thee J[ must part I
It may be for years, and it may be forever—
Then why art thou silent, thou voice of my heart?
It may be for years, and it may be forever—
Then why art thou silent, Kathleen Mavourneen?
There's a church in theTgSllfigThg iatOMidaTO0a,IMoTaBVgJlXEr place in the
dale;
NO spot Is so dear to my childhood, as the little brown church in the vale.
OHDKUSi Oh, come, come, come, come, come to the church in the wildwood,
Oh, come to the churchin the vale*
No spot is dodear to my childhood, as the little brown church in the vale.
How sweet on a bright Sabbath mornlgg to list to the clear-ringing bell;
Its tones so sweetly are calling, "Oh, come to the church in the vale*"
CHORUS:
(40)
RETJBM AND RACHEL
Reuben, Reuben, itve been thinking, what a grand world this would be,
If the men were all transported far beyond the Northern sea.
Oh, my goodness gracious, Rachel, what a queer would this would be,
If the men were all transported far beyond the Northern sea*
Reuben, Reuben, i*ve been thinking, what a gay life girls would lead
If they had no men about them: none £o tease them, none to head*
Rachel, Rachel, i»ve been thinking, men would have a merry time,
If at ance they were transported far beyond the aalty brine,
Reuben, Reuben, stop your teasing, if you've any love for me;
I was only just a~foolintf as I thought of course you«4 see.
Rachel, if you til not transport us, i will take you for my wife,
A&d i til split with you my money, every pay-day of my life.
LYDIA PINKHAM
(TU&e; lydla Pinkham)
Oh, we sing (wkn§ing, we sing) of lydia pinkham,
And her love (her very great love) for the human race;
How she sells her vegetable compound,
And the papers publish her face]
Now, Myst Jones had female trouble;
She could have no children at all*
But she drank three bottles of compound;
Now she has one every fall!
Oh, we sing, etc*,etc.,
Mrs. s^^b, she was flat-chested;
She was blank across the bow;
But she drank six bottles of compound;
Now they milk her like a cowl
Ob, we sing, etc., etc.
Lucy Brown, she had no fellers
Siie could get no necking, at all;
But she drank nine bottles of compound
Now she gets it from them all J
Ob, we sing, etc.,etc.
Nancy (jrey, she had . ♦ •......•.
And so on.
(41)
ABDDLi THE BDIrBDL MER
Ohf the sons of the prOphet were brave men and bold.
And quite unaccustomed to fear;
'But the bravest by far, in the ranks of the shah,
Was Abdul, the B^l-bul B»ir»
When they needed a man to encourage the van,
Or to harrass the foe from the rear.
Or to storm a redoubt, then they always sent out
ycr Abdul tlie Bul-bul smir.
j^nd the heroes are many, and well iouarcm to fame
in the troops that were led by tho caar;
But the bravest of all was a man by the name
Of Ivan skavinski skivar*
Ho could imitate Irving, play p&ker* shoot pool,
Or strum on the Spanish guitar;
in fact, quite the cream of the Muscovite team
Was ivan skavinski skivar.
One day this bold Russian he shouldered his gun
And donned his most truculent sneer;
Downtown he did go, where he trod on the toe
Of A^^t *ke BUl-bul ;gmir»
tryoung man," quoth the sul-bul, "has life grown so dull
That you»re anxious to end your career?
Vil© infidel , know, you have trod on the toe
Of Abduli *he Bul-bul Emirt"
Said Ivan, nygj friend, your remarks, in the end,
Will avail you but little, i. fear.
jor you ne»or will survive to repeat them alive,
W^ A^dul, the Bul-bul ebItI"
wuow take you lasttlook at this cool, shady nook,
And send your regrets to the czart
jor by this i imply, you are going ?to die,
count ivan skovinskl gkivar*"
Then tliis bold Mcuaoluke drew h4s trusty skibouk, .
With a cry of fellah akbarj"
And with murdtrous intent he ferociously went
pw iven skavinski s^ivar.
Thuy fought all that night taoath tm pale yellow moon,
A^d tha din it was heard from afar;
Htt<Se multitudes came, so great was the fame
Of A0iiuli £&d iv^a skivar^
(42)
Now as a1**1*!16 lonS kaife was extracting the life—
in fact, he was shouting tiguraah*:!--
He felt himself struck by that wily Kaitauck,
count ivm* gfcavinski giavar*
»
yha sultan, rede up in his gold-plated fly,
Exacting the victor to cheer;
But he only flrew nigh to hear the last sigh
Of Abdul the sul-toul Ewi*#
czar petroviah* too, in his uniform blue,
ROde up in his new crested car,
But arrived just in time to exchange a last line
With jvaa s**vi&ski salvor •
Now a i.*onument stands, where the oauube uoth roll,
ApA tgraved thero in characters clear
is «stranger, in passing, o P*ay for the soul
Qt A^ult the Bul""bul lPir»t»
jjta u Muscovite maiden, her lone vigil keeps
tjjeath th$ light of the pale polar star;
^nd the name that she murmurs so oft as she weeps
is jv&n sk&v&ns*! s^ivar.
■ i:
IA. VILLE BE ST> NAZAIRE
\yhen parching took ihfitip '
Hjhen porshing took the jirst contingent overseas to yranoe,
ge la*wU*a dt a weGturii port that fame had eyed askance;
gut efftor he hud opened up £aS^ section ijuiu&er onC3t
<phb who la .-or Id learned of gt» fta*oire, including Bill *^e H1*11*
But ovgu if the y&^^gs iiadntt put it on the map**!?
gy landing thare to mingle i& the merry little scrap—
tfCwtta ville etait distingue par sa prqtiq,ue urinairettt
And fug** bliould claim the kidney of IA viH<> de- st$ jjazairot
W© &truck the co^t o£e afternoon, a bleak December day,
A**d saw the town that evening as we haltered to the quai»
jha first thing to impress us, as we crossed the cobbled strset,
Vjas hfct the caps and jackets, noi the wooden-covered feet;
trpwad not the foreign clothing that astonished us the most,
But *ke ultra-foreign actions troundthe public pissing-post*
just imagine people pissing, pissing, pissing everywhere*—
And you have our first impression of jja. yiH9 ^° S"t» Nazairet
The city Js a jailor and its basin is the jail,
And the ocean*s there imprisoned when the tide begins to fall*
At first we used to wonder how the gates retained their charge
With coaptation incomplete and leakage free and large;
BUt soon we learned the secret of the harbor ledger ts balancej
The leak is compensated by their urinary talents*
The civic renal aggregate is gravitated there,
And tilus niaintains the harbor at £a yille de s*t Nazaire.
(43)
t^is auid this &aintod seaport on the languid lower Ix>ire
Has traditions that connect it with the exiled Bupor^r
But *Oiie there is now living who can verify the claim,
A&<i it &e*m their quest of glory ought to take a surer aim.
For instancef they mi^t advertise their townsmen true and tried,
Whoae skill at itiicturiton is the civic boast and pride.
This would gain them recognition, and the world would come to stare
A* tos Brobdingnagian pissers of La Ville de St. Nazaire.
Now all the towns in France are uriniferous, of course,
For public pissing is the vogue for man as well as horde;
AAd doubtless many towns will boast of bush-league pissing class,
performers individual or citizens en masse.
But when you come to speaking of the major circuit stuff--
The kind that bats three-fifty and is never known to muff--
The rest of France and all the world you never should compare
With the urinary geysers of La Ville da St, Nazaire*
just stroll along most any street at any time of dayf
But brace yourself, and watch your preconceptions melt away, *
You111 seen see groups of Frenchmen pissing up against the wall,
Or pissing on the cobblestones in splashing waterfall.
They piss in pairs and trios, in parties and platoons—
And the women join the carnival thoughout the afternoons.
They squat along the gutter and they sp&atter everywhere.
An outdoor sport is pissing in La Ville de St. Nazairo,
Their pissingfs never private,not nocturnal, s* they say,
But always in the public gaze and in the light of day*
SO copious the civic diuresis, and complete,
A pungent amber brooklet gurgles down each cobbled street.
Whenever a natives bladder fills, no matter where he ber
He reaches for his pendant and at onee begins to pee,
Ifve seen them spuay the clock upon the crowded public square—
A noble art is "watering the goose" in St. Nasaire.
When natives meet upon the street they never hesitate,
But straightway get their nozzles out and start to urinate.
With marksmanship unerring, as they drain thoir kidney kegs,
Each seds a stream of saffrom trickling down the otherfs legs,
With pissing stalls in every block, constructed for their ease,
They manifest a preference for public walls and trees.
The anti-pissing notices ~ though posted wverywhere —
A^e used for tassel-targets in La Ville de St, Nazairo.
Whene'er a "Frog" siphoning his bladder on the street,
And close beside a lady passes by frith tripping feet,
He nonchalantly greets her with composure absolute>
With one hand on the throttle and the otherjat salute.
The women-folk are filled with admiration of their males,
And pride illumes their faces as they watch them wring their tails
And never dons the thought accur they hafe no business there—
Around the public pisseriessin Ville de St, Nazaire,
(44)
Now these are not mere stations for their comfort set apart,
But shrines for public worship of the lemon-squeezing art.
For pissing is not only a municipal delight,
But alsora religious form -*• a solemn, sacred rite*
Its devotees so long have exercised thsir spurting bungs,
Their kidneys have attained the sise of hypertrophic lungs;
And often you may see them stand, enraptured, as in prayer,
And piss for twenty minutes in La Ville de St# Nazaire.
The educated bladder is a fundamental rule,
And heads the whole curriculum in etfery public school;
Some standard forms of teaching they endeavor to impart,
But the pedagogic emphasis is onethe pissing art,
AS soon as they matriculate, each little lad and miss
is placed before a target and instructed how to piss;
Promotion is contingent on their "TechMque urinaire—n
A pupil has to piss to pass the grades in St* Nazaire.
The stamp with which the edicts of L'hotel de Villa are sealed
Displays a pair of kidneys on a foamy amber field;
Their patron saint is Peter, who was chosen on the hunch
That he had the largest bladder of the apostolic bunch,
They have no apparatus for extinguishing their fires,
Tor nature has provided what necessity requires;
With pissing capabilities so extraordinaire,
They need no fire department in La Ville de St# Nazaire*
They piss through all the weather moods, as seasons come and gcij
But reach the height of ecstasy when pissing in the snow,
And not content wi3ti merely pissing ragged yellow holes,
They write their names and bits of verse with fancy loops and scro41s#
When gazing at these specimens of outdoor penmanship,
you bow in admiration of the peiife they never dip.
They say a man once wrote in snow a chapter from Voltaire,
A£d set the all-time record for La Ville de St* Nazaire#
Anatomists familiar with these super-pissers say
Their projectors are peculiar in a jporphologic way.
These instruments are rifled like a Remington fusee,
And throw a gyroscopic stream with great velocity*
While ordinary pissers say it isn't in the cards,
They deem it merely casual to piss a hundred yards.
And as for pissing up the wind, of which most men despair,
They calmly face a hurricane and piss, in St# Nazaire.
On Bastille Day the city holds its penile Schutzenfest,
And all the pissers gather to determine taho is best*
With kidneys overworking iH this test of marksmanship,
The excretory aggregate would float a battleship.
They try for flat trajectory and parabolic arc,
For plain and fancy pissing and for pissing at a mark J
And when they strive for altitude so high they pierce the air,
A rainbow spreads its iridescence over Stt Nazairef
(45)
jnfin, they choose the winner of this Carnival of Jets,
And post him fromt and center of the Raggedy-Ass Cadets#
The mayor struts upon the scene "avee beaucoup des gestes,"
And hugs and swa$s saliva with the winner of the fest.
"Attention" is ordered, and the Hungry Seven plays;
The womens rooting section cheers and sings the "Marseillaise;w
The victor is paraded and received the "Croix de Guerre"
For pissing all the pissers down in ViUe de St* Nazaire*
Now Cairo connotes pyramids wherein the pundit delves;
When Boston is alluded to, the beans speak for themselves;
Coffee yokes with Rio, and the harem, Istanbul;
With Singapore, its rubber; and with Barcelona, bulli
London is suggestive of the broadened English "a",
While Paris starts me thinking of the old Champs Elyssees*
At mention of Sti Peter1 s dome, I feil constrained to prayer;
Ahd likewise, when I take a piss, 1 think of St* Nazairet
I DON'T WANT TO BE A SOLDIER
Monday I touched her on the ankle*
Tuosday I touched her on the knee*
Wednesday, with success, I lifted up her dress*
And Thursday her chemise * Gor Blimey*
Friday I put me 'and upon it.
Saturday she guv me balls a tweak*
And Sunday dftor supper
I rammed the whole thing up 'er.
And now Ifm makin' seven six a week*
Chorusj
Oh, I don't want to be a soldie£
Qh, I don't want to go to war*
I'd rather hang around Picadilly's underground
Livin' off therearning of a 'ifch born lydy,
I don't want a by'net up me arse hole
I don't want me buttocks shot aw'y*
I'd rather be in England
In bonny, bonny England
Than rodger all me bloody life aw'y*
Call out the Army and the Nyvy,
C&U out the rank and the file*
Call out the Royal Territorials
They'll face danger with a smile - Gor Blymey.
Cnli out the members of the Old Brigade
They'll sut Efi&la&d free.
You can call out me mother,
Me sister and me brothers
But, for God's sake don't call me*
(46)
IN GUAM TBI LITTLE LADIES
In Guam* the little ladies
Tljey are so rery shy,
With their cunning little giggles
Ard their dreamy soft brown eyes.
I thought Ifd learned of loving
In Srisco, New York and Chi;
But with her cart and her carabao
Eelieve me boys she taught me how
To loveJ Whereat? In Guam!
IN IHE ISLAND OF GUAM
In the Island of Guam
Plenty coconut trees
IV s a Veautiful place,
When the* moon is shining over the trees.
There^s a paradise in Guam
'Nativo people are there.
You can hear their song,
The whole day long, in the Island of Guam.
The ships as sailing through the harbor.
The pas&angers are QoraAng.
And many people are waiting
To see the Island of Guam.
So, farewell to Guam,
I must bid you adieu,
Until we meet again
Someday, my friend, on the Island of Guam.
LADY ELEANOR
frttn the White House of the Nation,
Speaking without hesitation,
domes the voice of unchecked knowledge
From the Lady Eleanor.
In the limelight basking gaily,
Speaks the lady - nightly, dally,
Like the brook, that pushes onward,
Ever onward, ~ evermore.
Speaks the expert on great problems.
Home and children, love and war,
Rao* and liquor, sex and more,
Speaks the Lady Eleanor
For this expert, ever flitting,
Never sitting, never quitting,
Never tending her own knitting,
Doles her frills of fancied knowledge,
Wisdom from her bursting store.
For despite her global milling,
Of the voice there is no stilling,
With its platitudes galore.
And it gushes on - advising,
Criticising and chastising,
Moralizing, patronizing,
Paralyzing, evermore,
Advertising Eleanor.
(47)
WCLS 3M
Chorus:
0h| Mr* Sam, Sam, my dear Unile Sam
Won* t you please come back to Guam?
Early Monday morning the Japanese they bomb
People nearly get cra2y, her in Guam*
Chorus *
Ky
My life is in danger, you had better co#e
Come, kill these Japanese, kill them one by one.
Chorus:
Bring us your destroyers, battleships*
Submarines and aircraft carriers, bring them here so quick.
Chorus:
Take off your hat and salute the American flag,
Take down t&at Sun-flag, and kill those yellow rats.
Ghorus:
Oh, Mr* Sam, Sam, my dear Uncle Sam,
Won't you please come back to Guam?
THE U.S. ARMY
Professional grandstander and glory^bound supreme,
Perhaps a little punch drunk (You know just who we mean).
W e like to see him strutting, and everybody knows,
No one should get upset, if a bantam rooster crows.
We waint him /to be cocky; hefs welcome to his pride,
They scratch, him off the muster right at the wasship's side*
He makes the contact for us - that's what it's all about—
The Navy dumps him 1$ there, the Aimy gets him out*
The world is full of ttartars, but finishers are few*
Some may dish it out - we're built to take it too.
For all of us have missions, and each a plefie to fill*
The terrier checks the quarry; the mastiff makes the kill*
If terrier bay the mastiff, when working in the brush,
Should mastiff turn to answer? Or .stop the wild be©rfs rush?
We do not heed the yapping —■ we go our way serene,
For we are in the Army end he is our Marine J
.'•..-••■
..... ■-
.
.--■...
. . :
•
f
(48)
THE MARINES,
OUR BICTCTNO MEN
A Marine told a sailor on Guadalcanal,
"The Army is coming; think of it, pal"*
The Corporal answered him, "All right, then,
Let»s build a clubhouse for Our Fighting Men*
They can have entertainment, and maybe a play,
Recreation advisors from the W*P*A*,
U.S*0. hostesses and sweet nurses galore —
For, the Army gives Morale a very high score*"
"One. thing, " said the Chow-hound, "we'll eat better now,
Depend on those soldiers to drag in that chow.
They'll sfclart past exchanges, have ice cream no end*
Life has to be pleasant for oUr Fighting Men.,f
A seabee *olled up and he asked, "What's the score?
The wagons and cruisers all laying off shore?
And scads of destroyers are sweeping the bay.
Is the Army finally landing today?"
They dashed up the beach when their feoats hit the sand,
Steel helmets, fixed bayonets and rifles in hand,
Marines, washing clothes, yelled, "You lads going far?
What the hell is your hurry? Have you heard of the war?"
"Shut up," said the Sergeant., "Go limber your legs
And swap this Jap helmet for a case of real eggs*
This barking at soldiers will come to an end,
You must be respectful toward Our Fighting Men*"
"Their generals out-rank ours, so they'll take command*
New rules and new orders will govern the land*
They'll have some M.P.'s to push us around#
When the Army takes over it sure shakes the ground*"
"We can take it," said th£ Raider. "It won't be so long
Till the Admiral bellerS, end we'll shove on*
And a little while later we'll be landing again,
To make New Guinea safe for Our Fighting Men*"
(49)
COULD BE
PRESS DISPATCH: "On the 15th instant a group of tourists enroute
to the Solomons-Bismarck area, disembarked in Noumea, New
Caledonia* In their wanderings about the city they were
astonished to fifiscover an ancient American officer seated on
a stone bench surrounded by the ruins of what was ascertained
later to have been the Grand Hotel du Pacifique during the
American occupation* When questioned as to his identity and
duties* he responded:
"Oh, Vm ComSeron and ComSoPac and TJSAFTSPA too, First Island Command,
the SOSf
And a warning service crww; I'm the cook and the steward of Quonset Uevs,
And I supervies Mob Five* Of all the thousands that once were there,
Ifm the only man alive.
In days gone by* I had a try,
At helping to run a war; But the Nips all gled and the JC's said,
That our labors here were o'er. They all got orders fcjit me; and went}
I checked them aboard the ships
And they got under weigh from Dumbea Bay
With jests and merry quips*
Then the Admirals left in PBK* s and the Gonerals in C54's,And, when
all had cleared, then the natives cheered - and me? Stan&ing there
on the shore.
Wellf I waited 'round for a year or two, but the mails were very slow,
And the radio spoke only French; And my funds were running low. Sot
I salvaged myself a broken down truck, And I made the damned thing run.
And peddled the gear my pals had left, and salted away the mun.
I hoisted a flag of my own on a pole, and I said 'I am ComSoPac
And I'll stand right here in the old Flag B^r
fTil the bastards all come back.*
But that hws been so long ago
They've forgotten Halsey's name, and the natives think that I'm the guy,
And they've clothed me with H&lsey's fame.
And I spend my time in the old Flag .Bar,
A drinking of whats to drink, And noting with a grief that it's running
short; And this is what I think:.,».«•
'Oh I'm ComSeron and ComSoPac
And TJSAFESPA* too...
First Ikfcand Command; the SOS;
And a warning service crew,
I'm the cook and steward of Quonstt Mess,
And I supervise Mob Five,
For, of all the people that worked here once,
I'm the only man alive.
(50)
LIMERICKS
*
■
MOTS TO THE READER* It was with considerable hesitation that your Editor
included
\. tjie following few limericks* We are sure that all of you^readers can, and
probably
V will, add to this collection* Some of these, however, neither we, nor our co-
\ editors had ever heard * and so we include them as examples of an ancient, and
still
fjourishingi verse form*
j&ere was e young girl from Dotroit, who, at fucking was very adroit•
: sjie could contract her vagina
/ *o a pin point or finer
f throw it out flat, like a quoit*
V ■ tare was a young man from Boston who bought himself a new Austin*
\ had room for his ass
,d a gallon of gas
\ his balls hung out, rnd he lost 'em.
^ There was a young lady named Myrtle, who had an affair with a turtle
Nine months to a day
She had crabs, so they day
Which proves that a turtle is fertile*
There was a young ledy from Chichester, who made all the saints in their
niches stir*
One morning at matins
Her breasts,; tight in satins,
Made the Bishops prick in his britches stir*
3fcere was a young couple named Kelly, who were stuck belly tfc belly*
Beoause in their teste,
They used library paste
Instead of petroleum Jelly*
\^,ere was a young man from Australia, who painted his ass like a dahlia
(day-lia)
t&e color was fine
The texture divine,
But Tthe odor distinctly a failure*
f
There was a young man from Greenwich, whose balls were covered with spinach,
And so long was his tool -
It was wound on a spool
And he*d play it but inich by inich.
Ihere was a young lady named Esther, who said to the man who undressed her
I tkihk you will find
Ike best hole's behind
The front one's beginning to fester*
There was anyerotlc young miss, whose conception of ultimate bliss.
Waste Jaz« herself silly,
With the stem of a lily,
Than dash out in the garden And piss.
I (51)
T^ere was a young man from Arden, being sucked off by a gal in the garden
3*id he to the fluff,
*$o yoi* wallow that stuff?11
Slid she, with a gulp, "------beg pardon?ff
latere was an old maid from Cape Codr who thought babies came only from God
If wasn't the Almighty
Who lifted her nighty
B»t Hogeiri the lodger, by God J
Tfcere was a young man frora Bfcg Butte, who had warfes all over his root*
T3k put acid on these,
And now, iNhen he pees,
He plays the damn thing like a'flutf.
IJhere was a yongg man named O'Hara, irho tried to bugger a bear*
But'#16 virtuous brute
""^ok a swipe 8t his root,
,_^ing nothing but buttons and hhiuv
There wes a young plumber named Dee, who was plumbing his gifcl by the sea.
Said the girl, "Stop you plumbing,
% hear someone coming**
Said i$a plumber, still plumbing, "Ifc*^ me*,f ^
There Was an old man named McGee, wh<* ^ame home from a terrible spree.
He wound fcpe the clock
With the head of his cock .
And diddled his wife with the key»
.■*■■'''*
*
Ifoere was an old Scot named McTave, w$|o kept a dead whore in a cave*
He said| "I admit
Ifm a bit of a shit,
Put think of the money I save.*
.hero was a young lady named Alice, wt*o peefd in the cathedral chalice*
Tis my earnest belief
Twas done for relief
And not out of Protestant malice.
lkere was a young lady from Devon, who! was raped by a party of seven*
All Anglican priests,
The lecherous beasts.
Of such is the Kingdom of Heaveh*
A perversion both weiftd and unsavory, Jisld the Mayor of Southampton is
slavery.
Mid wild hoots and howls
He deflowered young owls
Which he kept in an underground aviary*
There was a young girl from Dakota, vf4i& lived in a golden pagoda.
And the wells of the hells
* Were festooned with the balls
And the tools Df the fools who'd bestride her*
There was a young man from Dakota, who paid not a whore what he owed hep
So with great savdtr faire
She jumped on a chair
And pissed in his whiskey and soda.
The once was a fairy named Broom, who went to a Lesbian1 s room*
Itoey argued all night
As to who had the right
To do what, with which* and to whom.
There was a young man named Carter, who was a very phenomenal farter.
He could fatt anything
From "God Save the King"
To Beethoven1s "Moonlight Sonata."
There wa$ a young man from Asia, whose length of cock would amaze ya#
It was hard, it was tough
Just fit for the muff
Of Brenda Diana Duff Frazier.
f .
Said nasty old Sappho of Greece, 'How much I prefer .to a piece,
""SCs to have my pudenda
Rubbed by the enda
The pretty pink nose of my niece."
A pretty young girl from St. Paul wore a newspaper dXJess to a ball.
The dress caught on fire
And burne$ her entire
Front page, sporting section* and all.
Said a n8sty old King of Si am, "For fucking I don't give a damn,
I get all my joys
Out of round bottomed boys.
You call me a bugger? I ami"
There was a young man from Rangoon, vtoo was born about 6 months too soon.
He had not the luck
To be Bom of a fuck
But of a wet dream and a spoon.
In the Garden of Eden sat Adam, stroking the thigh of his madam.
It gave him great mirth
To know that on earth
Sfcere were only two balls, and he had fem.
There was a young man named Carter, who could belch the "Moonlight Sonata"
And fart, through his ass
Bach*s B Minor Mass
Or his equally famous Cantata.
(ra)
There wes a young man named Klrkham who was always jerkin1 his gherkin
His master said, "Kirkham,
Stop jerkin1 your gherkin
A gherkin's for ferkinf not jerkin'."
There was a young man named McBride who fell in an outhouse and died.
He had a young brother
Who fell in another
And now they're "in turd" side by side*
There was a young lady at sea who complained that it hurt her to pee*
"Aha", said the mate,
"That explains the sad state
Of the Captain, the Bos'n and me.w
There was a young lady named Alice who used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And part of her rectum in Dallas#
A pirate, so history relates, got into a fight with his mates.
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him mutless,
And therefore quite useless on dates.
There was a young man from Bombay, who fashioned a cunt out of clay.
But the heat, of his prick
Turned the clay into brick
And tore ell his foreskin away.
There was a young man from New Ca(r)stle who wrapped up a turd in a parcel,
And sent it to Spain
With a note to explain
That it came from his grandmothers a(r)sshole.
As Titian was painting Ros8 Mater and Rose was up on a ladder
Her position to Titfcin
Suggested coition
So he went up the ladder and had fer« -
There was a young man from Dundee, Who buggered an ape in a tree*
The result tes most horrid,
All ass end no forehead
Two balls and a purple goatee.
There was a young monk from Siberia, who elpped with a num called Elyria.
He done to that nun
What none should've done,
And now tshs's a mother superior*
!Hiere was b young lady from Sidney, who could take it up to her kidney.
♦Till a man from Quebec
• Shoved it up to her neckf
}low, he had a big one, didn't he?
There was e young girl from St. Paul, Who went to the Birth Control ball.
She brought all her pissaries
And other accessories,
But nobody approached her at all.
There was a young man from Cape Horn, who wished hefd never been born.
J3e wouldn't have been
If his fathfcr knew then
That the end of the rubber was torn.
ijfcere was a young man from Rscine, -who invented a fucking machine.
*toes concave and convex
To fit either sex
And a pan underneath ftoc the cream.
There wps a young couple from Aberistwith,
TSho united the things that they kissed with.
But as they grew older
They also grew Wilder
And joined the things thrt they Jaissed with.
There was a young, girl from Madras, who had a most beautiful ass.
But" it wasn't pink
As you might think,
But was grey, had long ears, and fcte grass#
There was a young man from Madras, whose balls were made of spun glass.
£d In stormy weather
jleVd click them together
And lightening* d fly out of his ass.
Said the beautious Mag da Lupescu, as she mushed to Rumania's rescue,
Ws a wonderful thing
To work under a king.
Is Demooracy better, - I ask you?"
(55)
DOUG'S COMMONIQUE
For tno long years, since blood and tears have been so very-rife,
Confusl'dii in ofir war news burdens more a solftier's life.
But frd& this chaos daily, like a hospice on the way,
Like a shining light to giiide us* rises DOUG'S COMMUNIQUE.
For should we fail to *et the nail * if prisoners wonft talk,
If radios are indisposed and carrier pigions walk;
We have no fear, because wefll hear tomorrowfs news today
And see our operations plan in DOUG'S COMMUNIQUE*
Here, too, is told the Baga bold of virile deathless youth/
in stories seldom tarnished by the plain unvarnished truth*
It's quite a rag* it waves the flag* its inotlf is the ffray,
And modesty is plain to see — In DOUG'S COMMUNIQUE*
"My battleships bombarded the Nips from Maine to Singapore,
My subs have sunk a million tons, they'll sink a billion moref
My aircraft bombed Berlin last night." In Italy they say,
♦♦Our turnSs tonight because it*s right in DOUG'S CONMJNIQUE.
♦♦My aromored tanks have mowed his ranks^ so Rommelfs gone to hide,
And the frozen steppes of Russia see my wild Don Cossacks ride*
My brave beleagured Chetniks make the Axia sweat and pay."
It's got to be'-- it's what we see in DOUG'S COMNro^QUE*
His area is quite cosmic, and aapricious as a breeze,
Ninety times as feig as Texas, bigger than Los Angeles.
It springs from lost Atlantic, up where the angels play
And no speirrow falls unheeded— it's in DOUG'S COMMONIQPE.
He used to s^y, "And with God's.help," but lately, it has seemed,
That his patience ia exhausted and God»s on his second team*
The Cabots and the Lodges, too, have long since ceased to pray,
That theyfll even squeeze a byline into DOUG'S COMMUNIQUE.
And while possibly a rumomnow, same day It will be fact
That the Lord will hear a deep voice say, "Move over God, it's Mac*"
So bet your shoes that all the news, that last great Judgement Day,.
Will go to press in nothing less than DOUG'S1 COLMJNIQUE.
M*0-T-H~31-g
M is for the million times he made me*
£ is for the other times he tried,
j? is for the tourist camps we stayed in,
H is for the hell that's in his eyes.
13 is for the everlasting parties.
R is for the ruin he's made of me*
PUt them all together, they spell MOTHER,
That^s what Itm about to be.
(56)
I FOUND A BOBSESHOE
I found a horseshoe I I found a horseshoe 1 I picked it up and hung it ola*
the door*
•Twas old and rustjT, and full of nailhoies,but itfs brought me good luck
for ever morel
The name o1 the horse that wore it, #&e name o1 the horse that wore it,
Tho name of the horse that wore it, was Bob-tailed Bob;
His time was two-and-a-quarter, his time was two-and-a-quater,
(Slowly)His time was two-and-a-quarter on the old Kentucky Road I
ONE» TWO, THREEi FOUR
Oae, two, three, four: sometimes I wish there were more;
Ein, zwei, drei, vier — I love you more and more, dear!
Eeny, meeny, miney, moj so sang the heathen Chinee;
Boys take care, and girls beware I One, two, and three!
THE CAPTAIN 'TOT BEUOW
The steward wont below (s-s-s^s-s-shl)
To light the cabin lamp (s-s-s-s-s-shl)
The lajnp it wouldn't go (s-s-s-s-s-shJ)
Because the wick was low (s-s-s-s-s-shj)
The captain went below (s-s-s-s-s-shj)
To kick the stewards ass (s-s~6-s-s-shj)
(SHOUT)
FIRE UP, YOU SON-Of-A-BITCH, THE GOLDEN GATE IS PASSED!
THE SPIDER
(Tune: "I'm a Rambling Wreck from Georgia Tech")
There once was a little spider who lived in a water-spout»
Along came a great big thunder shower and washed that spider out*
But when the sun came out again, and dried up all the rainf
Why, that God-damned little son-of-a-bitch crawled up the spout againl
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN NELLIE MAKE WATER?
Have you ever seen Nellie make water?
She pisses a hell of a stream*
She shoots it a mile and a quarter,
AAd you canH see her ass for the steam J
I yVS GOT A GIRL
111 "i i Hi i ii i | ii i i fiin »»mi urn ,n
Ifve got a girl in New York City;.
She's got a freckle on her titty;
She can sing and she can dance ~
Shefs got a mustache in her pantsj
(57)
THE OLD RHINOCEROS
The old rhinoceros, so it seems, very, very seldom has wet dreams;
But when he has, he comes in streams, as he revels in the joys of
copulation.
Chorus;
Cats on the housetops, cats on the tiles; cats with the syphilis,
cats with the piles;
Cats with their assholes wreathed in smiles, as they revel in the joys
of copulation*
The giraffes skin is very, very think, add when he winks, he skins his prick,
Hefs oft been known to pull this trick as he revels in the joy of
masturbation,
CHORUS:
When you wake up in the morning with a fine c-ckedtand,
.
And a funny little feeling in your seminary gland,
Why then GOd-damn it, use your hand, as you revel in the jay of
masturbation.
CHORUS:
When you wake up in the morning with a belly full of joy,
^nd your wife's got a monthly and your eldest daughter's coy,
Rem it up the asshole of your eldest boy, as you revel in the joys of
fornication!
CHORUS:
QAITHUSALEM
In days of old there lived a whore
Pilose asshole stretched a yard or more;
jjer name, it was Cathusalem;
Her father was a rabbi.
Hi« Hi, Cathusalem,
Tto-.H«ript of Jerusalem; f ^
Hi, Hif Cathusalem, <222SiS}
The daughter of the rabbi.
Nearby there lived a Caliph tall
Who with his dong, could lift a wall;
And he had fornicated all
The harlots of Jerusalem.
CHORUS:
One night, returning from a spree
With customary hard on, he
Espied reclining ^eath a tree
The harlot of Jerusalem*
CHORUS:
The Caliph1 s dong was underslung:
He missed her cunt and hit her bung,
Ifo knew it when he felt the dung
In the asshole of Cothusalocu
CHORUS;
His dong was like a gat ling gun-
It weighed nigh on to forty ton,
Ami sawed the seed of many a son
In the asshole of Cathusalem.
CHORUS:
Cathusalem, she knew her part:
She spread her legs,and let a fart,
And blew the giant, like a dart,
Over the walls of Jwruaalem.
CHORUS:
(58)
FAIRY TOWN
(Tuue: Pony Boy)
Fairy Town, Fairy Town J
Thoy all go »*p u&d they never come down;
Even the c**ief of police is queer;
Utooops, my dear! Spinach!
Soon the sailors will come to town,
(Lots fo brownl Plonty of brown J)
Holy by Je»uel Tu»y all got pareses
in Fairy Town I
WORKING ON THE RAHROAP
I knew a girl -~ her name was Grace (tue uovil take her pretty faceJ)
She brought me to the dad disgrace of workin' ox* the railroadt
Now I've been workin1 on the railroad, all the live long day;
I»vo been workin1 on the railroad, just to pass the time away*
Can't you hear the whistle blowln1 (rise up so early in the mornl)~
Can't you hear the captain callin1, "Dinah* blow your horn*.
Dinah, won't you blo-ow, Diuah, wonft you blo-ow,
Dowu on the banks of the Ohio?
Diuah, won't you blo-ow, Dinah, wonft you blow,
Down on the O-hi-o?
Oil, how I love those pretty yellow gals;
Oil, how I love those pretty yellow gals;
Oii, how I love those pretty yellow gals,
Down on the O-hi-ol
MY FIRST TRIP VB THE CHIPPEWA RTBTR
(Tune: "Reuben, Reuben)
My first trip up the Chippewa River ~
My first trip to the Cuiiadian Shore —
Taerel iiiot a Mrs« 0'Fiim«gan,
Commonly known as the Winniptns ijhora*
Come, my lad, I tniak I Knew JfouJ
plop your ass upon my knee J
We will have a bit of jazzin1
Dollar-and-a-half will be my fee.
Sue started fiddlin', I started diddlinf;
I didn't know what 'twas all about;
Tiien she had my cock and watch-ehain;
"Holy Judas* I cried out#
Soao v/eBe diddling, some were daddling;
Sot** ^ere fucking on the floor;
I was over in the corner,
Putting the blocks to the Winnipeg Whore*
Then in came whores and pimps and bitches; -
Must a1 b«en a score or'•more;
You'd af laughed to shit your breeches,
'Swea iuy n&& fly out that door I
HOW+D YOU LIKE TO BE MY SvJEETHEaRT
How'd you like to be my little sweetheart? Help to paddle Life's CuiiOe
along?
Brush away the cobwebs from the sunshine, when life's all wring?
B>w*4 you* like to be my little Home Girl* How'd you like to be my little lass?
How'd you like to build a little Home Swoet Home, girl? How'd you like to kise
my
ass?
(59)
NO, NO, A THOUSAND TIMES NO
She was a fair fa*merfs daughter
Whov/strayed from the straight narrow path;
A red-hot gc cervicitis
Came on as the cruel aftermath*
AS each gonococeus there twisted and squSrmed
She suffered the tortures of hellf
A&d despite my advice that an op« would be nice
The following wordw she would yell;
Chorus: ' No, no, a thousand times no;
You cannot have my cervix!
No, no, a thosand times no;
My answer will always be nix!fl
Only surgery gave a solution,
Which we told her again and again:
To snip off the end of her cervix
Would have ended her trouble and pain.
And then with the toxins all purged from her blood,
■t4 Her genitals shiny and clean,
She'd be strong as an ox and as gay as a stud;
But again and again, she would scream: (CHORUS)
We tried all conservative measures
That had ever been thought of before;
We crammed her with senna and aloes
Till the dung lay knee-deep on the fitoor.
in the depth of despair we pulled out her hair,
Packed her cervix with finely ground meat,
pilled her rectum with &read and left her for dead;
But she screamed like a baboon in heat; (CHORUS)
We referred her to every department
In an effort a cure to contrive.
Derm filled her with soft saap and bismuth
A&d left her more dead than alive.
With high frequency rays shot under her stays
The X-Ray boys all tried their luck;
With radium seeds planted through her like weeds
She'd yell like a castrated duck: (CHORUS)
Now she daily grew weaker and weaker;
Arthritis set in fairly soon;
The toxins then damaged her heart-valves,
And her legs both swelled up like balloons.
Her fingers turned pink like a collie dogfs dink,
And her voice became thin as a rasp.
Though her breath came in snorts, like colonic reports,
She still had the courage to gasp: (CHORDS)
H« exodus came one fine morning;
iPathology waited below.
She hustled her down to the basement
Ajad opened her up for the show.
The gay young prosector,his hands on her tubes,
Felt a rush of cold sweat to his brain,
As faint to his ear, like a ghoulisfaBronx cheer,
Was wafted that phantom refrain: (CHORUS)
(60)
TO A FAITHFUL BRISKD
(No Music)
The rectum is a wondrous hole:
It lightens life, it cheets the sould
Its function — to evacuate
The lower bowel, whence emanate
The feces ~ it*s ossential.
Thus constipation, mankind's curse,
And diarrhea, even worse,
Are cleared up not "by drugs and pills,
Nor laudanum, nor salts, nor squills,
Nor edicts presidential,
But by the lower G-I tract,
Which deals in gas and solid fact,
AS well as liquid matter too —
in fact, most every kind of goo
The body does not care for»
How pluckily it plods along
In silence (or, Alas! in song)!
If treats well, it doesk its tasks
Efficiently, and never asks
The reason why, wherefore•
All hail this modest, sturdy drudge,
Which uncomplaining empties sludge,
And body wastes and useless salts
That wander through its roomy vaults
(And long may it collect 'em!).
And draw a mug of castor oil
To honor now this mortal coil,
Which scorns to whimper or to baast.
Come raise the stein, and drink the toast
To Man's Best Friend — The Rectum!
LITTLE RED WING
There was a little Indian maid,
AAd she was so afraid
That some buckaroo would plug up her flue
While hse lay sleeping in the shade•
So with her pretty brown hand
She filled her box with sand
An| then she knew that no buckaroo
Wotild monkey with the promised Land.
(GBMttJS)
There came a cowboy wise
Who slipped between her thigh*,
Put a big feoboon on the end of his spoon
And made littlo Rod Wing open up her eyes
Aud when she came to life
She snatched her bowie knife {his ass,
Ahd with a spiick pass cut his balls from
And now his dashing days are past*
Oh, the moon shone down on little Red Wing;
' AS she lay sleeping, the cowboys creeping,
Chorus: With one eye open she lay sleeping,
' Keeping watch o8er the Promised Land,
THREE OR FOUR TIMES
I found my girl Grace in the stable;
Her face was all covered with mud;
I said, nmy God, Gracie, What's Happened?"
*My God, I've been raped by a stud
Three or four times, three or four times,
three or four times;
My God, Ifve been raped by a studl1*
I took my girl Gracie out sailing;
We really were going quite fast;
I took a reef in my shirttail
And shoved my jib-boom up her ass,
Three or four times, three or four
times, three or four times;
And shoved my jib-boom up her ass.
I took my girl Gracie out riding;
The horse was a bugger to prance;
And after a while fche said with a smile
"My God, I've gone off in my pants
Three or four times, three or four times,
three or four times;
My God, I*ve gone off in my pants.
(61)
BIOODY QMS ONE EIGHT
(Tune: Oil, Susanna)
Oh, wo are the patients of Bloody One One Eight*
Wo aoed the doctors badly but wo know we'll have to wait.
And when they seo our agony, they rub their hands and smile,
Their motto, "Prolong misery - in true John Hopkins1 stylo,
C.orus: Oh, we are the patients
Of Bloody One One Eight.
We must fee brave, we're near the grave*.
We're undertakers1 bait*
They sent ine out to Ono One Eight, with a slightly funny nose.
They x-rayed and examined me, they stripped off all my clothes,
And when I'd finished all the tests, they gave to iae that day,
I wound up in an iron lung, vffith double pnounon-I-A.
Chorus: Oh, we are the patients
Of Bloody One One Eight.
In the YaLley of the Shadow...
Ue know we wonft be late.
Wo have about the chancos of a snowball down in hell*
We're in the doctor's clutches, wo never ~&11 get well.
They sharpen up their scalpels, they tell us to be brave,
And gently pull our other log, with one foot in the grave.
Chorus: Oh, wo are the patients
Of Bloody Oi e One Ei^ht.
Our sands of life are ebbing fast...
Kind death wo now await*
I had a tiny touch of rash upon my ;ieft fiindcheok,
They gr?ve mo forty pollen tests* It took just on a week*
(They fed me pills_ an<i painted mo ,ojgewe physiotherapy,
And now. I find I'm suffering from acute leprosy*
Chorus: Oh,, we are the patients c —
^- i Of,: Bloody One OncEi^ht^._. r;
, Wovhe^vo a devil date*
In days gone by these Army does charged fees that reached the sky.
Since we don't pay* of course they day' ?Just 3.et the beggars die".
• If,they* should; gtiess appendix, into your gut they'll lunge,
..-■And if ypa live, God help ^you,'for they13.1 no doubt leave a, sponge*
Chorus: Oh*■ we are the pationts ^
Of Bloody One Ore; Eight* •.•..-/<
,. .. ;;Our days on Earth are numbered.**
w WMro near the Pearly. Gate.
Those oily tongues, those siiken smiles, do not fool us one bit.
We know our harps are ordered and we hope our wings will fit.
We r9alize.quite fully wo ard in an awful fix. u;
They've booked one Tway passages across the River Styx.
Qhorus: Oh, down with, the- doctors
.-.,■■.'"■■'. Of Bloody One Ono Eight.
,' -In Baltimore, for evermore,
Wo hope thoy .hibernate*
(62)
PASSENGERS
(Tune: Huooreeque)
Passengers vd.ll please retrain
Stoia flushing toilets while the train
Is standing in the station (I love you);
Wo encourage constipation
While the train is in the station
(Moonlight always makes mo think og you).
W£en you m^ke water, please eall the porter;
He will place a vessel in the ves-ti-bule;
WefU go walking after dark
And goose the statues in the park.
If Sherman's horse can take it
Why can't you?
Are you the guy that did the pushia,f
Left thergrease spots on the cushion,
Footprints on the dash board upside down?
Yesf Ifiu the guy that did the pushin1
Spilt taa groust* ajputs on tue cuaidUm
Footprints on the dashboard upside down.
Since I met your daughter Venus
I've had trouble with xoy penis
Wish I'd never seen your God-damn town.
You'll fcevor *>aow how ouch I miss you
As I peel away the tissue.
Think of me and say
You ^ove me, too.
TIN SOLDIERS
They gave me tin soldiers for Christmas;
I threw all the corpfrais away,
A&d also the captains and the majors,
And played with my privates all day.
(63)
THE CKtN/t-BOPND GONBOAP
I whs strolling Sown Sand Street, one fine Summerf& iiight.
When a striking young dansel, she hove into sights
So I hoisted my numbers, to which she replied,
wIfn a cni:i?i!-Bound Gunboat going out with the tide**
So I pr;.you out a-asm-Mr aixd took uor in tow,
Straight-way we sailed as a couple should go.
fTil we tacked up an alley, not so neat or so clean.
Where wo moored ffore and fjiftt at the end of the stream.
I gazed at her sides and her sides were unscfcaped,
And on her port quatter a red flag was draped.
I gazSd at her counter and saw it was black,
By God it roGQftblod tJ*o stern of a hack.
Oh, she led me aloft to a third-story floor
And in a snug bedroom she soon laid me o'er.
Then'she hauled tight her corsets with a gun-tackel haul
A**i ote laid her right hand on my two-purchase fall.
I gazed in her cabin and found lotf s of room,
And into her bunkers I stowed cy jib-boom*
I gazed at her beam and I saw it was wide.
So, into her stern-sheets I threw a broad-side.
Oh, she burned my jib-rigging, clear down to the hull,
Straightway to the sick-bay, my punt I did skull,
With my main-mast all shattered, my yards all unslung,
Ar-u tut* Doctor said; "Sailor, you jib-boom is sprung.M
Ail you jolly young sailors just in from the sea,
Vol Hu: Hoi Just listen to me,
Set a course north of Send street «ii<* steer ploaty wide,
Of the China-Bound Gunboat going out with the tifie*
BLESS 'EM AIL
Tnoy gout- iov t&o Amy to come to Tulagfc,
But Gen fral Mac Arthur said, *N0,f#
Ho ^va ab ;i» raasoii,
This isn't the season,
Besides tUoy iiave no U.S.O.
T^j#.y Cc llou for two Array to &> to Nuw Georgia,
But old Duo-OmT Douglas said, "No,
We'll sit on our bustles
Ti;is side of the Russells,
AAd let the Gyrenes take the blow."
MacArthur will say in his communique,
"My ships sank the Japnuw&e flaet,
My planes bombed their bases,
But my precious Do^-fncos
Are here where theylre safe from the heat,»
(64)
Tomorrow ho111 say in w release that's gay,
How his army entered the fray,
And forget the Soabeee,
Auu tuis countryfs Navies,
The price t/*e Marines had to pay.
So bless all the Colonels in Muejtftfcur's atnff;
To other arsiod forces they just give a laugh;
So we're saying tsood-byo to them all,
AS back to our fox-holes we crawl*
Tnere'll fee no promotion, this side of the ocean,
So cheer up my lads, fuck 'err* all.
Gaorus:
Tuck fer. all, fuck fem all
The long and the short and the tall.
Blebs ull the s^r^eante and ,/.0.one's
Blasts nil the Carpeoralo &nu thiir bastard sons.
For we're saying r*ood-bye to tueti all
The long short and the tall.
Ther'll be no promotion, this side of the ocean
So elisor up jay lads bless fen all*
A cargo ship1 s leaving Noumea to-day;
Her holds full of borabs arid avgas;
Shef 11 30 tOQNew Georgia
A£d Bougainville,
Though, she may get torpedoed, alas J
The radioman says there fs a submarine
That waits at "Torpedo Junction ;ff
So we'll zitf and wefll zag,
like a man with a jag*
And nope our escorts will function*
We'll hoave in the anchor and run down the jack,
Aftd sail out of Dombia Bay*
Through BuLari Pass
With Hi^i oatane gas,
And brother, that isnft just hay*
Wefll sail through the islands to Iron Botton Bey,
If we ao not dies on the way;
TCitu Guadal on left side,
Tulatsfc to ri^ht.
•■Tiiero cruiisors are sunk, so they say.
So here1 s to tut* uos&eb at ConiSeron,
Tuey donft 31 ve u u^m what we sail on,
So we're saying {soou-l>ye to theja all,
As back up the ladder we crawl.
There'll be iio promotion, This bide of the octan,
So eneer up vjy lude, fuck fem all.
(65)
Fuck tor all, fuck 'or.- nil
T\o Ion:; una the bnort i?;m tAa t<ill.
Bless 5-11 t.«»e Scr-^uitb and W«0»*one's
Bless *-ll t.-ie Corpernls oiia their bastard sons*
For T7Qfro suyiu/; sood-bye to then all*
The loir* cutu tnu bijort nnd the tall.
Tiiora'll be no promotion, tills side of the ocean,
So, cnecr up ny lt-da blesir 'or. ?11.
*****************
They b«y thard'e u troop-Giiip just leaving Frisco,
Its loaded with whisky and beer,
It will stop at Sncosi
Ann flun#ttabu,
But that bastard will never comer here.
There fs a transport just sailing from Guadalcanal,
With six thousand men and a nurse,
But here I rdtll atnad,
On the pain-studded strand
AS I jujve no friends at BuPers.
There's a street back in Frisco called Mnrket;
Ttoit'w «hera the co«*»andoes all stay,
While we becoroe heroes,
By knocking doWn Zorooo,
Anci nopin** we live though the day#
Wo'vo been in these ptr.rts f^r two fcears and more.
With jungle rot, fungus and such;
WE're tired of tho food,
And noit i* the nude,
But of tail we haven't seou nuch.
Here's to connnnuers niiu full Adairals,
Hore'« to the Cr.ptrains and their bastard sons,
For we're saying good-bye to tuoxu «11,
A: back to our grass huts we crawl;
There'll be :»io promotion, this sido of the ocean,
So choor up cy lads, fuclc 'en nil.
Fuck 'on all, fuck 'era ell,
Tho long and the short end the tall.
Bless nil the Ser^et'.nts'aiAA W.O. one's,
Bloss all the corpscrals tuid tueir bastard sons.
For v?e 're saying good-bye to tuatu all
The Ion?', ?.nu tho short ai*a the tall.
There'll be no promotion, this Side of the ocean,
So eneur up uy lads, fuck 'em all.
****************
Nov; I just went CHajy and turned patriotic,
Ajiu r^vo to ;«y country the nod;
I .sloop in ny skivvies,
Ana ;:ever v.erir civies,
For I'n in tue M?:vy, by Goal
(66)
So here's to t;ie Ensigns am all tue Jay Geosf
All trvsu from those schools in the Statesj
They're salty as hell,
Ajid stupid as well,
Be sure 6nd salute them, my mates.
Our future's a problem we canft figure out}
Hope that our wives are alone in their beds,
As we sit on the deck,
Our health just a wreck,
With malarial pains in our heads*
Damn all the bosses at mighty CinCPaC,
They'll see that you stay west of there,
For they have a pool
Where youfre only a tool
Of a lot of old men with gray hair.
So bless all the brass hats who hang aroung Pearl,
They don't give a damn if you have lost your girl;
And we're saying good-bye to them all,
As back to the hatches we crawl.
There'll be no promotion, thissside of the ocean,
So, cheer up my lads, fuck em all*
Fuck fem all, fuck em all,
The long and the shor t and the tall.
Bless dll the Sergeants and W#0. one's,
Bless all the corporals and their bastard sons.
For we're saying good-bye to then all,
The long and the short and the tall,
Theref11 be no promotion, this side of the oceanf
So, cheer up my lads, fuck 'em all.
***************
You can't fight a war without haveing & bar,
Ahd some officer's clubs to aid;
Itfs whiskey we need
To sustain our breed,
And bear up the weight of goad braid.
You canft win a war without officer's clubs
In far remote parts of the world;
The braid are all drunks,
Get poured in their bunks,
As the first streaks of dawn are unfurled.
We went down to Auckland in old New Zealand,
A£d had us a merry old time;
Our sailors were breezy,
The girls were so easy,
And that made adultery fine.
(67)
And now I will telliya, we went to Australia,
Ana had a good time from the start;
We never went swirarriin*
But laid all the women,
AAd caught the "old Joe" from a tart*
Oh bless all the Admirals at old ComSoPac,
They don't give a damn if we ever gat back,
So we're saying good-bye to them all,
AB back through the hatches we crawl.
There'll be no promotion, this side of the ocean,
So, cheer up my mates, fuck fem all*
Fuck fem all, fuck fem all,
Tiie long and the short and the tall*
Bless all the Sergeants and W»0. one's
Bless all the Corporals and their bastard sons.
For we're saying good-bye to them all,
The long and the short and the tall.
There'll be no promotion, this side of the ocean.
So, cheer up my lads, fuck feia all*
*************
RAGGEDY ASSED MARINES
I'd like to see the major in the grave yard;
The captains and the looeys by his side,
I'd like ot see the sergeant in the mess hall;
The privates ahd prisoners running wild.
Chorus:
As we go marching
As the band begins to P-L-A-Y,
T-:You; can hear the people shouting,
The Ramsay Assed Murines are on parade •
SPANISH TOWN
fTwas in a little Spanish town,
TTwas on a nitfht like this,
A v;nore lifteu up her te^as and saivi
"I'll take four bits for this."
I said four bitb is mighty cheap
Ana so we went *o sleep.
Many dollars huve I spent, and still my cock is sore.
I'd 3ive a thousand dollars just to find that goti-de&ed whore*
I mnde a promise,
Tht ent eonethiii'j like this,
"Before I fuck another whore,
I'll jncK-off with iny fist."
(68)
ODE TO A TRAIMING FIIM
We have seen the pictured theses
On venereal diseasest
Seen tho soldier at the newell post of sin,
As he leaves bis lady lightly,
Buttoned upf and weaving slightly -
But we never see the wastrel going in*
We have winced with little Rollo
As the consequences followf
And we see his battered ordnance on display*
Shov/ini? plague that sex will net you
When you bring your plumbing fixtures into play
And you're lax with your ablutions*
Fail to use the right solutions
In the proper prophylactic G#I# way*
So bev/are of fornication
Abstinence is your salvation»
And intercourse is strictly not Gr»I*
You must Keep your hat cries battened
Lest your ramts of sin be fattened
As you give the wink to some mascaraed eye.
When the urge is slightly sexual
Be stern and intellectual
And let the primrose tempress pass you by.
You must save your seed for mating
Though your testes wilt from waiting,
Beware I Don*t shoot I And keep your powder dry.
BULLSHIT SONG
The coffee that they give us,
They say is mighty fine.
Itfs #x>d for cuts and bruises,
And tastes like iodine.
Chorus:
Oh, I don't want any more
of this bullshit,
I just want to go home.
The chidtBBnthat they give us
They say it is the best,
We get the neck and the asshole,
The officers get the rest.
CHORUS;
If you want to go to Erisco,
To get a piece of ass.
Y0ufve got to see the Sergeant Major
And get a goddam pass*
CHORUS:
.?■'■■.■• -;!
(69)
SBD SONG
(Tunei ,fAinH a-Gonna Sin No More11}
I'm going to ground-loop my SBD, Baroomp*
Chorus:
Down by the run-way side, Baroomp
Down by the run-way side, Baroomp
Down by the run-way side, Baroomp
1 fm gonna ground-loop my SBD, Baroomp
Ainft g gonna bomb Rabaul no more*
Gonna tear off my flaps, Baroomp,
Down by the run-way side, etc., etc.,
Gonna ride in an ambulance, Baroomp
Down by the run-way side, etc., etc.,
Gonna drinlf that old freedom Scotch, Baroomp,
Down by Sydney side, Baroomp
Down by Sydney side, Baroomp
Sown by Sj/daoy side, Barcomp
Gonna drink that old freedom Scotchf Baroomp
Ain't a gonna bomb Rabaul no more.
TH3 NIGHT AffTJSR CHRISTMAS
'Tims the night after Christmas, and boy, what a house!
I folt like the devil, and so did the spouse.
, The egg-nog and turkey and candy were swell,
But ton hours later they sure gave me hell.
The stocking weren't hung by the chimney with care—
The dnrn things were sprawled on the back of a chatr.
The children were nestled all snug in their bed,
But I had c. lnr^e cake of ice on my head.
Ana when, at list, I cozed off in a nap
Tho ice ;oko no up «hen it fell in my lap*
Then for some unknown reason, I wanted a drink,
Sof I started in fe&ling my way to the sink#
I *%>t along fine ftil I stepped on tho cat;
I don't recall just what occurred after that*
Jr.en I o^joj to, the house was all flooded with light,
Although under the table, I was high as a kite.
While visions of sugar plums danced in my head,
I somehow got up and then back into bed.
Thon .Jint to by \;andori;.& rdn* should appear,
But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer.
Thon the sleigh secnou. to change to a red fire truck,
And each reinceer turned into a bleary-eyed buckj
I Knew in a moment it must be Old Nlcfa —•
I tried to cry out, but my tongue was too thick.
(70)
The old devil whistled and shouted with glee
Wixlle each buck pawed the earth and looked daggers at met
Tiien he called them by name and the names made me shudder*
When I hoard them I felt like a ship, minus a rudder,
"Now E:$g-NogJ Bacardi J Tour Rosesi and Branayi
Now Fruit OfikeJ Cold Turkey! Grin Rickey 1 and Candy!
To the top of his house, to the top of his skull,
Now whack a.vay, crack away, with thumps that are dull!"
Tr.en in a twinkling I felt on my roof,
The prancing and pawing of each cloven hoof.
How long this went on Ifx.: euro I onnft say,
Tho it seemed an eternity, plus a long day J
But finally the night after Ohristmas had passed
iuid I found that I could really think strnight at last
So I t.bought of the Now Your n fc-j days away,
Aad I've* i;ndc r.e n vow tuat no tempter can sway.
Ifn sticking to water, don't even want ice,
Ibr there1 u nothing as tasty nor nothing aw nice*
Tho :» ir)it after New Year may bother some guys,
But I'vo learned my lesson and, brother, Ifm uiso.
You en Have your rick vi*tuals and liquor that's red,
But v:hat goes to my stomach won't ^o to ray head*
SO A BIG HAEPY NEW YEAR TO YOU *>ND TO iJX,
I'M BACK ON THE v/AGON idSD I HOPE I DON'T FAEXJ
I WANTED WINGS
CHORUS: I wanted wings 'til I .^ot thoso God-damned things
No I con't want them anymore.
Thoy taught no aow to fly
And they left me here to die,
Ifvo had my belly full of war*
You can leave those zeros, for those Goa-darned heroes
Distinguished flying crosses do not compensate for losses* BusterJ
CHORUS:
I'll take the dames
While the rest go down in flames
I've no desire to be burned
Air combatfs called romance
But it nokos xne shit my pants *
1* I'm not a flyer I have learned.
You can leave those Mitsubishis
To those crazy sons-of-bitches.
Ifa rather lay a woman
Than ^ot shot up in a Grurian. Bustorl CHORUS;
Ifn too young to die
In a God-damned P.B#Y*
T.vtfs for the eager, not for me,
I don't trust ny luck
To get picked up by a duck
After I've crashed into the seat
Ifd rather be a bell hop
T'ian a pilot un a flat top
With my hand around a bottle
And not nrounG the God-damned throttle. Buster J CHORUS: